CONTENTS PAGE - London Borough of Brent · 2013-01-30 · CONTENTS PAGE BACK TO TOP OF PAGE CONTENTS PAGE 6553-Brent A5 5-11 BMPDF:Layout 1 22/6/10 09:06 Page 7. Being a good role

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Being a parent can be the most rewarding experience, but it canalso be tough and may be a little daunting at first. Every child isdifferent and at every age we are faced with new challengesand situations to handle. There is no such thing as a perfectparent and we all need a little help and support at times.

We aim to offer practical advice and positive ways to managesome of the challenges you may encounter. You’ll findinformation, warning signs, as well as ideas and tips that can beused to tackle specific issues. There is also information on howto get further support.

We hope you find this guide helpful.

John ChristieDirector of Children and FamiliesBrent Council

Call Brent Children and Families Information Service (CFIS) on020 8937 3001or visit www.brent.gov.uk/parenting

Welcome to the Brent Parenting Handbook, a guide for mums, dadsand carers of 5-11 year olds.

This guide is one of a set of three,covering parenting issues frompregnancy up to 19 years. Readthe right guide/s for your family.

Parents and carersfrom pregnancyup to the age offive

Parents and carersof 11-19 year olds

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http://www.brent.gov.uk/parenting

ContentsAbout you as a parent/carer

All kinds of parents

Parenting roles and responsibilities

Being a good role model - domestic abuse

Being a good role model - drug andalcohol misuse

Help to support you - parenting programmes

New to Brent

Keeping your child safe

Bullying

Babysitting and childminding

Child protection

E-safety

Safety outside the home

Helping your child do the best they can

Achieving at school

Encouraging good behaviour

Healthy lifestyles

Young carers

Helping your child cope with changes in their lives

Growing up

Separation and divorce

Stress and anxiety

Moving school

Help to support you - types of services

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All kinds of parents

My new partner also has a son, who lives withus now. It’s taken a while to get used to the newfamily set up, but it’s great.

Your family is unique.

Different people handle change in different ways.

Children need stability and change canmake them feel especially vulnerable.

Family change takes time to get used to.

Whatever kind of family you have, you’renot alone - if you need help, make contact.

There’s no such thing as an ‘average’family - every family is different.

Going it aloneGrowing up with one parent can be agood thing, leading to a closerelationship. Encourage them to spendtime with their other parent if it’s safeand possible. Let them know both ofyou will be part of their lives and thatit’s okay to love you both.

Coping with a death in the familyEvery child will act differently, some willfeel guilty about still living, others willthink about death and loss and who elsecould ‘leave’ them. Patience and thesupport of family and friends is key atthis time. Support agencies such asCruse have a helpline to help parentscope and useful advice on their website.

Young parentsAs a young parent, you’ll face extrachallenges. All parents struggle attimes, so don’t be embarrassed to askfor support and advice. Your educationmay have been cut short, but don’tgive up on plans for the future. Thinkabout your own needs and try to enjoysome of the things that other youngpeople do. Make sure that you have

good, reliable childcare if you leave yourchild at home.

New familiesIn a new relationship, everyone willneed time to get used to things. If yournew partner has children there couldbe extra challenges. Change can makeus all feel unsafe, so it’s important tomake sure everyone feels secure. Takethings slowly and carefully and try tosee things through each other’s eyes.

Grandparents and familyCan give a welcome extra pair ofhelping hands and are an important linkto family history and a sense ofbelonging. Their experience can beuseful. They have lives of their own sodon’t ask them to do too much. Infamily breakdowns children may losetouch with much-loved family members.

Private fosteringIf you are caring for someone else’schild and you are not a close familymember this is known as ‘privatefostering’. You must inform your localsocial services of this arrangement,which also provides you with theopportunity to get support.

What is a family?

”“

Changes in the way your childacts may signal that they arefeeling insecure. Watch out forfeelings of blame or guilt if yourrelationship with your partner isnot working.

Talk through changes early -children are quick to pick up‘vibes’ and may know if you’rekeeping something from them.Keep talking about the newthings that are happening.

A stable family life is importantto children, however unusual themake-up of your family. Remindthem that they are loved,whatever is happening.

Counselling, mediation andsupport agencies can help tospot possible problems. Knowyour rights. Talk to your child’sschool and find out aboutparenting programmes.

• Brent Children and FamiliesInformation Service (CFIS) on020 8937 3001www.brent.gov.uk/parenting

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Parenting roles andresponsibilities

I am aware that they copy me so I need tobe careful what I say and do. I want to set agood example.

Being a parent is one of the most amazingthings we can do in our lives.

The responsibility that comes with being aparent can be daunting at times.

There is lots of help available to help yousupport your child.

As parents, you are both responsible foryour child in every way.

Your role and responsibilities will change as your child grows.

Being a parent can be one of the mostamazing things we can do in our livesand it can also be one of our biggestchallenges. Your child will rely on youin many ways and you are responsiblefor their safety, health, care andactions. As they grow from toddlerinto child they will develop their owncircle of friends. You will notice theirindependence and interest in theoutside world and slowly they willbecome more independent.

Having a child means a lifelongcommitment to someone who willneed your care and support. If you area parent then you are responsible inthe eyes of the law for the safety,wellbeing and upbringing of yourchild. Your children are a reflection ofyou and your parenting. The mosteffective parenting tool we have is the example we set as good rolemodels early on. This will help yourchild grow into a responsible, healthyand happy adult.

You are responsible for their actions aswell as for keeping them safe and well.At this time you are also responsiblelegally for making sure they go toschool every day. Support them andtake an active interest in their day and go to the school open eveningsand events.

Your child will be starting to developtheir own interests and hobbies. Showan interest and look out for after-school clubs and sessions held locallywhere they can develop their skills.Make sure you know they will be safe.

In Brent we offer local parents andcarers parenting programmes. Brent'sparenting programmes are for anyparent who wants to be supported inimproving their skills. It gives you thechance to chat and exchange ideaswith other parents as well as meetingprofessionals, who can help and offer advice.

It’s your job

”“

Having a child can be one of themost amazing things we can doin our lives and it can also beone of our biggest challenges.

The most effective parenting tool we have is the example weset as good role models early on.This will help your child growinto a responsible, healthy andhappy adult.

Your child relies on you. Find out more about Brent'sparenting programmes. As yourchild grows they will needdifferent kinds of support.

Don’t be too hard on yourself,we all need a bit of help fromtime to time.


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Being a good role model

He used to shout at me and be aggressive infront of the kids. He’s getting help now and homelife is so much better for us all.

Many children see abuse happening at home.

Domestic abuse can affect children in seriousand long-lasting ways.

Domestic abuse may be a one-off, but it usually gets worse and more frequent over time.

Pregnant women are more vulnerable todomestic abuse.

Children often blame themselves fordomestic abuse.

Domestic abuse is a problem affectingmany families. It includes threateningbehaviour, violence, psychological,sexual, financial or emotional abuse.

Children who see or hear violence canbe affected in many different ways.Children do hear, they do see, and theyare aware of violence in the family.They will learn how to act from whatthey see. Violence teaches childrennegative things about relationships andhow to deal with people. It can teachthem that violence is the normal wayto sort out arguments. They may nottrust those close to them. Children canthink they are somehow to blame forthe violence.

It can be difficult to understand whypeople stay in or return to violentsituations. Fear, love, the risk ofhomelessness and financial issues canmake it very difficult for partners withchildren to leave and some may justnot want to.

Short-term effectsChildren are affected in many ways bydomestic abuse, even after a shorttime. These can include feelingfrightened, becoming shy and quiet,bedwetting, running away, becomingaggressive, issues with school, poorconcentration and emotional upset.

Long-term effectsThe longer children are arounddomestic abuse, the worse the effectson them are. These can include a lackof respect for the non-violent parent orbeing over protective with them. Lossof self-confidence will affect how theyform relationships in the future. A childcan feel they have lost the ability to bea child.

If you are worried about domesticabuse, talk to someone. You areresponsible for the safety of your child.In continuing to live in a violenthousehold you are putting your childand yourself at risk. If you are violentseek help to stop this behaviour.

Domestic abuse

”“

Any abuse between adults willaffect children badly. Seeksupport and help as soon aspossible. The longer it lasts themore damaging abuse is.

Report your concerns aboutyourself or someone else to thepolice. Talk to them about what is happening.

Children need to talk about thefeelings they have aboutviolence. They need to know it isnot their fault and not normal.

An abusive partner can takeresponsibility for their actions byseeking help to stop. Make surethat you offer a good role modelfor children so that they do notthink violence is acceptable.


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Being a good role model

I thought my drinking was just the same asanybody else’s. I didn’t realise for a long time howthe kids were being affected.

When parents use drink or drugs, it oftenaffects the emotional development andwellbeing of their child.

The safety of children is put at risk.

In families where drug and alcohol are usedit is common for children and young peopleto go on to use them.

Violence at home is often caused by drugand alcohol misuse.

Your behaviour affects your children -whether your answer to a problem or acrisis is to have a drink or take somedrugs, things can progress to the stagethat you are not taking proper care ofyour children or protecting them. Theirsafety could be at risk.

Think about the way you act and whatit says. If you or someone at homedrinks alcohol or takes drugsremember children learn from whatthey see and can begin to think thatalcohol or drugs are a solution toproblems. Often people start usingdrugs to relieve stress or tension. Nomatter how careful you think you are,children are often very aware of theirparents’ behaviour. Both alcohol anddrugs can affect your ability to lookafter your children and have seriouseffects on them as they grow up. Theycould also find drugs and try themleading to serious problems. Make sureyou keep alcoholic drinks out of reach.

It is important that you talk to yourpartner or family member who couldoffer support to you and your children.

Children may not want to talk about itbecause of the shame around alcoholor drugs or fear about what couldhappen. There is support available forchildren to meet with others like them.

If you think you or another adult athome has a problem get advice andsupport. Drugs are illegal andaddictive. Your habit could be affectingthe following:• relationships - has someone spoken

to you about their concerns for you?• your work - have you been late,

missed work or performed poorly asa result of substance use?

• your health - are you having difficulty sleeping, feeling unwell orneeding to use something to makeyou feel better?

• you have come into conflict with the law - have you been drinking and driving or arrested for possessingdrugs?

These are all signs that you should seekhelp. All of these things will affect yourability to look after your child and keepthem safe.

Drug and alcohol misuse

”“

The use of alcohol or drugs athome may result in changes tothe way your child acts. Theymay misbehave or becomesecretive.

Think about your actions - whatdoes your use of alcohol ordrugs teach your children? Areyou sure that your children arenot aware of what you do?

Encourage them to talk tosomeone who can help them.Make sure they do normalthings, like playing with friends.

Think about your use of alcoholor drugs. If you think they maybe causing problems for you oryour family get more informationand seek help and advice.


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Help to support you

I am glad I asked for help. The parentingprogramme has made me feel more confident as a parent now.

Parenting programmes give parents theopportunity to share experiences, learn newskills and help build positive relationships.

If you are finding things difficult help is at hand.

If you feel you or your child needs extrahelp, support can be offered to you both.

Seeking additional advice or support is nota sign you are unable to cope.

Parenting programmes help parentsunderstand their children and how todeal with different situations. There area wide range of parenting programmesavailable within Brent depending onyour needs.

Parenting programmes we offer are:

Positive Parenting Programme(Triple P)This is a parenting programme forparents of children aged up to 11.There are a number of different Triple Pcourses which aim to help parentsimprove their relationships with theirchildren, set boundaries and help withhow to deal with unacceptablebehaviour.

Incredible YearsThis is a programme for parents ofchildren aged up to 12 which helpsparents deal with aggression,behaviour problems and social skills.

Families and Schools Together (FAST)Aims to help parents to get moreinvolved with their child and otherparents. The FAST programme workswell with children aged 0-15 years old.

Strengthening Families,Strengthening CommunitiesThis is a programme for any parent ofchildren aged 3-18 years old. Theprogramme aims to increase parentalself-esteem, confidence and achievepositive change in family relationships.The programme aims to reducebehaviourial difficulties and helpparents build their child’s confidence.

Seeking additional advice or support isnot a sign you are unable to cope.Every parent needs a little extra help atsome point so don’t feel that youcannot ask for help. Brent parentingprogrammes offer lots of differentkinds of support and information.

Parenting programmes

”“

You feel that you cannot cope,your self-confidence as a parentis low and you are unsure whereto go next.

Discuss the parentingprogramme options we haveavailable here in Brent.

Talk to your partner aboutgetting involved too.

By doing something at this stageyou are helping yourself andhelping your child in developinga great relationship.


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New to Brent

I was really nervous when we first arrived herebut my whole family has settled in really quickly andthe kids have already made some new friends.

There is lots of support and information ifyou are new to our area.

Make sure you know where to get theservices you need for your family.

Children from abroad help to enrich thevibrant cultural life of Brent.

Make sure you register with a local doctor.

Find out more about the support servicesavailable from our children’s centres.

All children must go to school every dayfrom the age of five.

Large numbers of people arrive inBrent from overseas or move into thearea from another part of the UK.Brent will help support you. Things will of course seem a bit strange at first but with our help we can worktogether.

Teams of social workers, healthworkers, teachers and carers are allready to offer a whole host of servicesto welcome you to our borough.

To get the best start, make sure youregister with a local doctor and findthe best type of childcare or school foryour children. Your local children’scentre and Brent School AdmissionsService will be able to help you. Goingto clubs or sessions will help you allmake new friends and begin a newenjoyable learning experience. Thereare lots of parenting courses andtraining options you could think about,childcare is often available on site.

Try to make new friends yourself, it’snot always easy, but once you’ve madethe effort you will be pleased you did.

Join local clubs or learn a new skill -this way you will immediately havesomething in common with everyoneelse. You may even wish to become avolunteer, which is a great way to getto know people and add to your workexperience. Don’t be afraid to ask forhelp if there’s anything you don’tunderstand.

If English is a second language to youdo try to use it. There are a number of English courses available which will help you settle into the localcommunity. This will not only help you make friends but will help you infinding a job. It is important that yourchildren are able to understand Englishto help them settle into the community.

Caring professionals will aim tounderstand your cultural preferencesand overcome any language barriers,to help make you feel confident andsettled as soon as possible. Rememberyou are not alone - there is an entirenetwork of support for you out there.

A whole new start

”“

You are new to the area and feelalone. You do not know anyone.

Make sure you find out aboutlocal schools. Do not shut othersout - enjoy meeting new peopleand seeing new places.

Try to chat to a least one newperson everyday.

Make sure you use the help thatis on offer to give you and yourfamily the best new start.


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Bullying

I knew something was wrong, they alwayssingled her out. I’m so glad she talked to me astogether we have sorted it out.

Bullying behaviour is never acceptable.

Bullying can take many forms.

Talk to your child if you think they arebeing bullied.

Speak to the school immediately if youhave any concerns.

Children need to know how to protectthemselves and get help.

Encourage them to speak up.

Your child could be pressurised into doingsomething they do not want to by friends.

What is bullying?Bullying is deliberate, is meant to causehurt or harm, is repeated and involvesan imbalance of power. It can becarried out physically, verbally or incyberspace - that means by text oremail. Bullying is a frighteningexperience and it can make your childfeel alone, damage self-confidence andmake them feel they are the only onesthis is happening to. Bullying can havebad long-term effects, leading todepression and low self-esteem.

If your child is being bullied at school:• listen to them and discuss ideas on

how to sort the problem out• plan what to do next together• refer to the school anti-bullying

policy• get them to write a bullying report,

or write it for them listing all theincidents and take it to the school

• get them to keep a bullying diary• meet with school to work out a plan• if you are unhappy with the meeting

or the action taken by school tosupport your child follow the schoolcomplaints procedure.

Cyberbullying is a method of bullyingand can be through text or emailmessages. Physical and verbal bullyingare more common at this age. Yourchild could be bullied into doingsomething they do not want to byfriends. Tell them that just becauseeveryone else is doing something (likekissing someone or being horrible tosomeone) they do not need to followthe crowd. This is called peer pressure.

Look out for unexplained injuries,missing items or money. They may beacting in a secretive way. If your child isbeing bullied they may not want tobother you about it. You need to knowso that you can help this stop. Bullyingcan happen at home with brothers orsisters. Point out that they shouldrespect one another.

If your child is the ‘bully’ tell them thisis wrong and help support them instopping. Often children bully becausethey need help themselves and can bea result of an experience they have hadthemselves. Try to be understanding.

The real story

”“

Running away, staying awayfrom school, unusual changes in behaviour. Injuries with noexplanation. Loss or damage oftheir things.

If they say they are being bulliedlisten carefully and take thisseriously. Talk to the school.

Tell them to refuse to put upwith bullying, walk away, tellsomeone and avoid fighting.Listen and be there for them.Make sure they know somethingwill be done.

Talk to them about their schoolday. Teach them to respectothers and to be kind. Teachthem that prejudice and bullyingis unacceptable.


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Babysitting andchildminding

I’m so lucky I have a good group of trustedbabysitters I can call on. I found out about themfrom other parents who thought they were good.

Children rely on their parents for theirsafety.

Your child has the right to care which isfree from harm.

Make sure your child gets the best quality care.

Select your babysitter carefully.

Avoid leaving your child with someoneunder 16.

Make sure your babysitter knows where to contact you in an emergency.

Who can I leave my child with?

”“

As parents you are responsible for thesafety and wellbeing of your children.As a result it is important that youthink very carefully about the personyou are going to leave them with,whether this is a babysitter,childminder, close relative or a friend.

When you leave your child in the careof someone else you want them to beas well cared for and safe as they arewith you. When choosing a temporarycarer for your child it is important thatyou choose someone with the abilitiesand high standards that you wouldexpect of yourself. This includessomeone who will make sure they arewell fed, changed, kept safe, givenroom to play, feel secure and can dealwith difficulties which may occur.

Generally a babysitter will come toyour home to take care of your child.Make sure you talk to your babysitterbefore you leave. Let them know whento expect you back and they havecontact details in case of emergencies.

Babysitters do not need qualificationsor a certificates to look after children

so anyone can advertise their servicesas a babysitter. The National Society forthe Prevention of Cruelty to Children(NSPCC) recommends that theminimum age of a babysitter should be16. This age limit is linked with thepossible action, which could be takenby the police if anything were to gowrong and an injury resulted. It is most likely that you as a parentwould be held responsible if anythinggoes wrong if your babysitter is under16. A good babysitter will have a good reputation locally and can berecommended.

When choosing a childminder takeyour time and meet a number ofdifferent childminders if you need to.Do not be afraid of asking to seequalifications and certificates. Call induring the day when other children arein their care to see the way they workand make sure you feel comfortable.

Even with family and trusted friendsyou should establish rules and let themknow your childcare routines.

Children will not always be ableto explain what is wrong. Notechanges in their mood andphysical appearance, talk tothem. Agree with the babysitterto discuss, from the beginning,all accidents and incidents.

Use people you trust to care foryour child or ask them torecommend someone. Speak toother families who have used thebabysitter you are considering.

Tell the babysitter about yourrules. Always leave a contactnumber in case of emergencies.

Make sure you feel completelycomfortable about yourbabysitter before you leave yourchild in their care.


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Child protection

Social work has changed a lot. We work morein partnership with families where there areconcerns to make sure they get support beforethings reach a crisis.

Parents are responsible for their children’ssafety.

Family services become involved onceconcern is shared.

Young people are best cared for by theirown families.

Professionals want to work in partnershipwith families to reduce the risk of harm.

The Local Safeguarding Children Board(LSCB) promotes the welfare of children.

When harm happens to young peoplefamilies also need support. Socialworkers and other professionals getinvolved when parents may be unableto protect their child from harm andneed some help. In some cases thepolice child protection unit willinvestigate with social workers to helpprotect children and decide whetheran offence has been committed.

There have been negative reports inthe media about social workers andwhat happens when concerns aboutchild abuse are reported.

Child abuse can be recognised,prevented or stoppedA young person can clearly tell youwhat has happened. A carefulassessment is needed and whatsupport and protection will best helpthem. A social worker will askquestions about the familycircumstances, consider the frequencyand the seriousness of the incident andthe affects. All of these factors will

help to decide what should happennext. Social workers and the policehave a duty to investigate concerns ofchild abuse.

Professionals are not solelyresponsible for protecting childrenTraditionally, social workers have beenexpected to make sure that children aresafe. In order to do this well, they relyon information from parents, family,other professionals and the localcommunity who all play an importantpart in identifying concerns. This helpsto ensure support is offered before thesituation becomes far worse.

Removing a young person fromhome is not the main aim of socialwork enquiries and rarely happensSocial workers can only removechildren from home with a court order, having demonstrated that there is serious and immediate risk. In emergency situations, the policehave the power to remove a child for72 hours.

Myths and realities

”“

Social workers will get involvedwhen they believe that physicalinjury, neglect, sexual oremotional abuse has occurred oris likely to occur.

Make sure you know what childabuse is and contact the police orsocial services if you think this ishappening. A social worker willmeet you if abuse is reported.

If you are worried about yourown or someone else’s child, seekadvice about what practical andemotional support is available.

It is important they know whatto do when they feel unsafe. Dothey know who to talk to andhow to get a safe place orperson? If you are worried, seekhelp early.


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E-safety

He’s eight, the same age as me. I haven’t methim but we chat on the internet all the time. He’sreally funny. He wants to meet up tomorrow to playfootball. I can’t wait to see what he’s like.

The internet can be fun and is useful.

Have family internet rules to encouragesafer use.

Paedophiles have been quick to use theinternet to approach children.

It is important that parents understand the internet.

Children can be bullied online and by text.

The internet is a fantastic way forchildren to find information, help themlearn and keep in contact with friendsor meet new ones.

Keep it safeKeep an eye on what’s going on bykeeping the computer in a family room,rather than in a bedroom. Learn how touse a computer, access internet sitesand try out a chatroom for yourself soyou understand what can happen.Child Exploitation and Online ProtectionCentre (CEOP) is an organisation whichhas been set up to helpstop internet exploitation.

Social networkingThe minimum age for most networkingsites is 13. Follow the terms andconditions by not allowing childrenunder this age to have access tonetworking sites due to theinappropriate content on them. Thisincludes registered offenders, sexualimages, and abusive messages, whichare open access for most. Settingprivacy settings is not enough.

There are parental control settings on

computers, mobile phones, andgaming consoles like PSP, Nintendo DSand the Wii. This can be done byvisiting the ‘My account’ or ‘Settings’option on most consoles. Parentalcontrols can prevent strangers fromcontacting children playing videogames, on social networks and whileon msn, they can prevent children fromaccessing inappropriate sites, or theycan monitor the use and time limitswhile you are away from the computer.

Set ground rules• limit time spent on the internet • talk about age appropriate websites• tell them to never give out contact

details or post photos of themselveson the internet

• they should always let you know ifsomeone is asking questions orwanting details they don’t feel happyabout giving

• ensure social networking profiles areset to private so only friends can view.

Make sure your child understands whythere needs to be rules. Because theycan’t see or hear the people they chatto, they may not be who they seem.

New technology,old problem

”“

Secrecy when using the internet,changes in behaviour, andunusual sexual questions.

Set up internet use rules andstick to them. Learn about theInternet and how to use it so you can understand whatyour child is viewing and if it is suitable.

Discuss the dangers of using theinternet and unsuitable websites.Make sure personal informationis not passed on to anyone else.If they are worried they must tell you.

Keep the computer in a familyroom, with the monitor facingoutwards. Discuss whichwebsites your child visits andmake them aware of dangers.


• www.brentlscb.org.uk

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http://www.brentlscb.org.uk

Safety outside the home

I allow her out to play with her friends but wealways agree on a time for her to be home.

Remember other homes are not alwayschild-friendly.

Always check a garden is safe and securebefore letting your child play.

Keep your child close when shopping.

Children under eight should not be allowedout alone.

Lead by example when using the road.

Most accidents are preventable.

Some experts say there is no suchthing as an accident and, according toThe Royal Society for the Prevention ofAccidents (RoSPA), most accidents thathappen to young children, such asinjuries from falls or drowning, couldbe avoided with adequate supervision.

If you are visiting friends or relatives,keep a closer eye than usual on yourchild as their house may not be aschild-friendly as yours. Look out fordangerous areas, such as knives sittingon counter tops, drugs such aspainkillers left within reach, or openwindows. Check that the garden issecure and there is no access to pondsor pools.

Keep your child away from roads andhelp them to understand the dangers ofgoing near them alone. It’s important toalways be aware of where your child iswhen you are out. When shopping,always make sure your child stays closeto you - it is easy for them to get lost ina shopping centre or large supermarket.Supervise playground activities - ensure

the playground equipment is suitable foryour child’s age group, to prevent injury.

In the car, make sure your child is in an age-appropriate car seat and theseatbelt is secure. You should also checkthat the car seat is strapped in properly -many road accident injuries occur dueto wrongly strapped seats, which do notrestrain the child adequately on impact.

It can be difficult finding the balancebetween giving your child enoughfreedom to gain confidence andmaking sure they are safe. Childrenunder eight should not be allowed outalone. Teach your child road safetyfrom a young age, so it is habit forthem to check for cars before crossinga road. Older children may be trustedto go out for short periods bythemselves, but always agree a timefor them to return or to phone you.Remind them never to go off withsomeone they don’t know, whateverconvincing story they may have.

Are your children safe?

”“

When you are out you may bedistracted and not see the signsthat your child is at risk of injury.Your child is your responsibility.Keep a close eye on them.

When visiting other people, or ifyou are out, look out for dangerareas, such as low walls or brokenglass. Always keep your childclose to you when shopping.

Remind your child, whatevertheir age, to look before crossinga road. Set a good example. Ask them to take sensibleprecautions if they are oldenough to be out by themselves.

Most accidents involving childrenare preventable with adequatecare and attention. Never leave a small child unsupervised andkeep a close eye on them at all times.


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Achieving at school

I didn’t do especially well at school, I want mykids to make the most of it. I try to spend timetalking about her day and I’ve even enrolled for anIT course myself.

All schools must meet national standards setdown by the Government.

Having a good education will help to giveyour child the best possible start in life.

Children learn all the time, not just at school.

Play is a great way to learn.

Give children lots of praise andencouragement.

We have some great schools here in Brent.

Brent Council’s admissions departmentcoordinates admissions to schools.Primary yearsYou need to return admissions formspromptly. It is very important that youchoose a school place as early aspossible, so it is more likely that youget the place you want. There are lotsof good primary schools here in Brentso do not worry if you do not get yourfirst choice.Secondary schoolsYou will need to apply for a secondaryschool a year in advance. Whenchoosing a secondary school it’simportant to consider your child’s needsand interests. ExclusionsA child who gets into serious trouble atschool can be excluded for a fixedperiod of time. Schools can exclude a child if:They have seriously broken school rulesand allowing them to stay in schoolwould seriously harm their education orwelfare and that of other pupils.There are two types of exclusion: Fixed period exclusions• the headteacher can exclude a child

• your child can't be given fixed period(non-permanent) exclusions whichtotal more than 45 school days in anyone school year

• if your child is excluded for longerthan one school day, the schoolshould set work for them and mark it.

Permanent exclusionsA school will usually only permanentlyexclude a child as a last resort. Thereare exceptional circumstances in whicha headteacher may decide topermanently exclude a pupil for a 'one-off' very serious offence.AttendanceYou are legally responsible for makingsure your child goes to school every day.If your child cannot attend school forany reason you should contact theschool straight away. The EducationWelfare Service is there to checkattendance.Home educationParents can choose to educate theirchildren at home. The local authoritywill need to be satisfied that a child isgetting suitable education at home, andmay ask to meet you, and to look atexamples of work.

A lifelong experience

”“

There may be none; sometimeschildren are not always able totell you they are havingdifficulties at school. Are yousure they are going every day?

If you have any worries orconcerns about your child andtheir education you need todiscuss this with your child’steacher or the headteacher.

Support your child and let themknow how important education,is. Make them feel good aboutlearning.

Make sure your child goes toschool every day, on time andkeeps to the school's rules. Talkto your child and their teacherand let them know who they can talk to if they are havingdifficulties.


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Encouraging goodbehaviour

Things had become a bit difficult and wedidn’t seem as close anymore. Now she seems totrust me and I take the time to listen.

Use positive feedback to build up self-esteem and confidence.

Communication is the key to good familyrelationships.

Children value being listened to, havingtheir opinions asked and their thoughts andfeelings recognised.

Do things together you both enjoy.

A good home life and taking an interest in them will help them in every area of their life.

Learning to listen and talk to your childcan make all the difference to yourrelationship and their behaviour. It isimportant to understand their feelingsand then work with them on dealingwith situations. When you build anemotional closeness with your child,you will find you have much greaterinfluence in your child’s thoughts anddecisions. They will begin to respectyour views and opinions.

Use attention and praise in the rightway. Not only will this have a positiveeffect on their behaviour, it will alsomake them feel happy, loved andsecure. This is the basis of lifelongconfidence and positive self-esteem.

Children gradually learn to make theirown decisions with support and slowlyestablish some independence. Befriendly and supportive and remindthem that you were a child once andthat you are always willing to listen.Children are happier when they haverules and boundaries to follow. Setrules, be firm and consistent. Let your

children know what will happen if rulesare broken. These must be realistic andmatch the nature of what they havedone wrong. For example, you couldask your child to work around thehouse to earn the money to replacesomething they have broken.

Remember to give them the practicalinformation they need about physicaland emotional changes and reassurethem that their development is perfectlynormal. Remember you are animportant source of information andadvice and a role model for your child.Changes in their body and the onset ofpuberty can cause mood swings anddifficult behaviour. This is normal.

If you feel you need support and advicein managing your child’s behaviour lookat the parenting programmes we offer.These parenting programmes are agood idea because they’ll give youmore confidence as a parent and helpyou manage challenging behaviour inan effective way.

Positive parenting

”“

There may be none. Have younoticed any changes in how theyact? Is your child trying to tellyou something?

Be involved and develop a goodrelationship with your childbefore they reach their teens.What you say and how you actcan influence their behaviour asthey grow up.

Let them know you are alwaysthere for them. Talk about theirbehaviour, why they are doing itand what action can be taken to stop it.

Keeping an open relationship,talking will help. Positiveparenting shows young peopleare less likely to get into trouble.


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Healthy lifestyles What they eatMake sure your child eats a goodvariety of foods in sensible amounts -balance is the key. Make meal timesfun and make time to sit down to eatand to enjoy food together as a family.Setting a good example is one of thebest ways of encouraging healthyeating habits early in life.

ExerciseFood is used in our bodies to createenergy. If we don’t use it we get fat.Encourage your children to be as activeas possible. You and your child can getplenty of exercise just by walking tothe shops or to school. Playing sportswith your child is another great way tokeep fit.

SleepAs a parent you know that lack ofsleep can affect your mood and abilityto function at work or as a parent. Thesame is true of children. Lack of sleepcan impact on your child’s behaviourand achievement at school.

SmokingIf you smoke you should protect yourchild from secondhand smoke. This willreduce the risk of them becoming ill.Contact your doctor or local free stopsmoking service who can help you kickthis damaging habit for good.

TeethLook after your child’s teeth and takethem to visit the dentist regularly.Make sure your child brushes theirteeth twice a day with a fluoridetoothpaste. Children are especially atrisk from tooth decay because of thesugary things they eat. If your child hasproblems with their teeth, take themto the dentist, this will help to preventserious problems in the future.

A healthy person should eat abalanced diet, be active, sleepwell, have sufficient energy andgenerally feel that they enjoy life.If this isn’t you and your family,perhaps some basic improvementscould make a difference.

Ask your school nurse or doctorfor diet, exercise and generaladvice on a healthy lifestyle.Make sure your child eats ahealthy balanced diet. Take yourchild to the dentist regularly.Give up smoking.

Remind yourself that you canchange your general state ofhealth. Ask your family andfriends for support in yourdecisions to change.

Too much saturated fat, salt andsugar are bad for the body.Prevent ill health by balancingyour lifestyle. Stop smoking.


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I encourage my children to be as active aspossible. We do a lot of activities as a family whichis good for my health too.

Balance is the key to a healthy lifestyle.

If you eat more calories than your bodyburns, you will put on weight.

Stop smoking and protect your childrenfrom secondhand smoke.

Make sure your child gets plenty of sleepand exercise.

Obesity (being very overweight) isbecoming more common in children.

Looking aftertheir health

”“

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Young carers

She didn’t say anything, but I could tell thathaving to look after me and her sister was havingan affect on Emma. I made a few phone calls andfound out that more help was available.

Young carers are protected by the ChildrenAct 1989, Carers (Recognition and ServicesAct) 1995 and Carers and Disabled ChildrenAct 2000.

Your Local council is there to help and willact once concern is raised.

There are many types of support to helpyou and your child cope with their caring.

You care about your young carer. So makecontact with support groups andorganisations that are there to help.

Many people need special care in theirhomes. They may be ill, disabled orelderly, or they may have drug oralcohol problems. Care from a memberof the family can be a help. When thecarer is a child it is very important tomake sure that they are gettingeverything they need too.

If your child has any caring role, foryourself or another member of thefamily, it is very important that they donot suffer because of their caring.Most importantly, tell your Childrenand Families Services about this. Youdon’t have to cope alone, they canhelp you and your child get thesupport and advice you both need.

EducationYou will want your child to do well atschool. Many young carers achievegood results, but research has shownthat caring can have a bad effect on achild’s education. They can be tired atschool or miss days in order to care foran adult at home. To help stop this, itis important that your child’s school is

told about their caring role. This waythe school can give your child extrahelp if needed and will understand andsupport them.

HealthSometimes young carers can be sobusy looking after others, and parentscan be so unwell that the carers healthcan be forgotten and they can becomeill, stressed or depressed. The best wayto avoid this is to get help from yourdoctor. Let them know all about whatis happening so that they can give thehelp and advice that both you andyour child need.

Extra supportBrent Council can give extra support tocarers. This can include special breaksfor carers and extra support servicesfor particular needs. There are alsomany local and national organisationsset up to help young carers and theirparents. So make contact.

Too busy to be a child

”“

Look out for signs that your childmay be struggling with theircaring role. It is very importantthat you talk and listen to yourchild so you can take action tohelp them cope.

Get as much information as youcan and find out what services,support, benefits and advice areavailable - you’re not alone.

Make sure your Children andFamilies Services and your doctorknow about what is happeningand keep them up to date ifthings change.

Being a young carer could have abad effect on your child’s health,education and wellbeing. Youcan help stop this by makingsure that they get the bestsupport and advice available.


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Growing up

She is growing up fast. I’m pleased we have agood relationship and she knows she can talk tome about anything.

Listening is the key to a good relationship.

Growing up can be frightening for youngpeople so make sure they have theinformation they need.

Puberty generally happens earlier for girlsthan boys. It can happen gradually or overa short space of time.

Hormones set off physical changes, moodswings and changes in feelings.

Pressure from other friends to act in acertain way can be powerful.

As your child begins to grow up youhave an important role in helping them understand the changes thatthey will be going through. This iscalled puberty. Growing up can be achallenging time for all and a bit oflove and understanding goes a longway. Let them know you are alwaysthere for them.

Boy’s bodies can start to change fromaround the age of ten with sexualdevelopment soon after. This willinclude a deepening voice, developingmuscles, hair growth, more activesweat glands and growing quickly.Boys also begin to have ‘wet dreams’when they sleep. They may beembarrassed about this so agree tohave a laundry basket in their room.

Puberty in girls can begin from aroundnine years old. They may have startedhaving periods, talk to them about thisand make sure you have sanitarytowels ready at home. They may alsobegin thinking about sex andrelationships. At this time they willbecome more attractive to boys, you

need to make sure they do not findthemselves in difficult situations (e.g.sleepovers). If they invite boys homemake sure you are always around.

Discussing matters such as friendships,relationships and love are important.This way, you know the informationyour child gets will be fact and notbased on what they have picked upfrom their friends. Be open-mindedand do not judge your child, so theyfeel they can trust you and turn to youwhen they need help and support.

Friendships are very important tochildren and young people. Having aclose friend or group of friends andbelonging to a group helps them feelgood about themselves, learn to dealwith people, and develop their ownidentity. This also helps them learnabout the values and ideas of others.

Support your child by letting themknow they can talk to you. You canteach your child to trust their ownfeelings and values, building up anemotional strength that will help themas they get older.

Changing times

”“

Signs can include, mood swings,arguments, talking back, an‘over-the-top’ interest in hygieneare all quite normal. As well ascoping with emotional changesyour child will also have to dealwith physical changes.

Listening and talking to yourchild will help you understandwhat they are going through.

Talk things through rather thanarguing. You will probably haveto answer lots of questionsabout puberty. Don’t beembarrassed and be wellprepared with simple facts.

Remember you are the adult.Avoid having temper tantrumsyourself. The more informationyour child has the better theywill be able to cope with thechanges that come with puberty.


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Separation anddivorce

It was very hard to keep thinking about mydaughter’s needs when we separated. All I wantedto do was curl up in a ball and cry. I wish I’d talkedto her more at the time, as I know she found itreally difficult.

Separation can be as upsetting for yourchildren as it is for you.

Talking helps them understand what will behappening in their lives.

Let them know you will both still be therefor them.

Try not to talk your child into taking sides.

When a relationship breaks down it ishard for the whole family. While youmay think it is kinder to try and protectyour children from the details, thetruth is that the more they understandwhat is going on, the easier they willfind it to cope.

If possible, have both parents therewhen you explain what’s going tohappen and why. Try not to fight infront of them and make clear thateven though you will be living apartyou will both be there for themwhenever they need you. They mayhave mixed feelings during this timeincluding feeling hurt, confused andunloved. You both need to be patientand understanding of their needs aswell as your own.

Children often think that their parentsbreaking up is somehow their fault andthat they’ve done something wrong.They may also feel that if they do thingsdifferently in the future you may getback together. They need to understandthat what’s happened is not their fault.

While most children want contact withboth their parents, a child can viewwhat’s happened differently and mayblame one of you for the break-up.You may find your child taking the side of one parent. Hopefully, this willpass and by explaining the facts, agood relationship can be kept withboth parents.

Learning to listenTalk to your children and listen to whatthey have to say. How you handle thebreak-up is important for theirwellbeing. Try to get them to talk about their feelings and involve them in making choices about the future. As well as feeling like they are losing aparent in some way, they may also beworried that they will have to movehouse or change schools, so tell themabout what may need to happen. Talkto your children about who they willlive with, where and what otherchanges may happen to help them dealwith their own feelings.

It’s not their fault

”“

Saying bad things or fightingwith your partner in front ofyour children is only going tohurt them. Try to keep calmwhen talking about what’s goingto happen as how you handlethings will have a big impact ontheir future.

Tell your children about what’shappening and how it will affecttheir lives. Show them that theirwellbeing is important to youboth by listening to their feelingsand wishes.

Children often think the break-upof their parents is somehow theirfault. Explain that it is nothing todo with things your child mayhave said or done. Always givethem a chance to talk about theirfeelings and worries.

Talk to them so they understandwhy you are breaking up andhow this will affect their lives.Let them know that both of youwill do what you can to keeptheir lives as normal as possible.


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Stress and anxiety

When my son fell out with his friends at schoolrecently he got very upset and anxious. At first, Iwondered what all the fuss was about but then Irealised how important friends can be at his age.

Children can feel stressed for many reasons.

Being bullied at school and parentsdivorcing are two of the most common.

Sometimes parents don’t realise they areputting too much pressure on their child todo well at school.

Exercise is a great way to reduce stress.

Children can pick up on parents stress.

Sometimes children get stressed andanxious and there may be manyreasons why this can happen:• they are being bullied at school.

Feeling in danger every day cangreatly affect a child’s state of mind

• they are not getting on well withtheir friends. It’s natural to want to fitin and falling out with friends canseem like a really important thing toa child

• they are anxious about moving,starting a new school or going backto school after the holidays

• a family member, friend or pet hasdied. Sometimes children can blamethemselves for these things even ifthey have nothing to do with it.

Another reason that children feelanxious is if their parents split up orfight. When they see their parentsarguing it can affect a child’s sense ofsecurity and can make them feel veryalone and frightened. It is worse whenparents make their children choosesides or say hurtful comments aboutthe other parent in front of the child.

Some children worry about schoolwork,tests or exams. It’s normal to want tosee your child do well, but someparents may not realise that they areputting too much pressure on theirchild to do well. Remember to berealistic about your child’s abilities andencourage them to do their best.

Think about what you say - a passingcomment you didn’t really mean canbe blown out of all proportion.Sometimes, children overhear parentstalking about money worries orproblems they are having at work andthey start to feel anxious about thesethings themselves. It can be easy topass on your own anxiety.

You will probably be able to help yourchild when they feel stressed. If theiranxiety goes on for longer than amonth, or if it greatly affects how theyare at home or their behaviour atschool, you might want to speak totheir teacher or ask your health visitor,school nurse or doctor for help.

Helping them cope

”“

Mood swings, trouble sleeping,nightmares, bedwetting, troubledoing schoolwork, stomachaches, headaches, preferring tospend time alone, overreactingto minor problems.

Make sure your child getsenough sleep and a healthy diet.Exercise can reduce stress, soencourage your child to exercise.

Talk to your child about what iscausing their stress. Tell them it isnormal to feel stressed now andagain, but it is also good toknow how to relax and makeyourself feel better when they’reupset.

Make time for your child everyday so they know they can talkto you if they are worried. Lookahead to when your child maybe stressed e.g. before tests, andtalk about it.


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Moving school

We visited his new secondary school and someof his friends from primary are going there too.They are all so excited.

Moving from primary school to secondaryschool will be a big change for your child.

Start thinking about which secondaryschool you’d like them to go to well inadvance.

Find out as much as you can about theirnew school.

It can sometimes be a difficult time forparents too.

Moving school at any time can be scarybut exciting, too, so give your child lotsof support to make it easier for them.Make sure they know what’s happeningand make your decisions together.

Some children can feel anxious andinsecure about the big changes andfear they will miss friends and routinesat primary school. Visiting the schoolwith your child to meet their teachersbefore they start can help. Find outwho else is going to their new school.

There are lots of things that your childwill need when they start at secondaryschool, so try to be prepared - thinkabout their uniform (if they wear one),a bag for their books, sports kit,stationery and equipment.

During the autumn term of year six,you will receive a booklet to guide youthrough the process and there will beforms to complete. If you needadditional help, Choice Advisers canguide and support.

As a parent, you might worry howyour child is going to cope with newfriends and new subjects to learn, orhow they’ll deal with the pressures ofbeing a teenager. While you probablyfeel excited for them, maybe you alsofeel a little sad that your child isgrowing up and doesn’t need you somuch any more. It’s natural to feel likethis sometimes. Try not to let them seethis. Be positive about the excitingchange they’re about to go through .

Talk with your child about bullying andsome ways of dealing with difficultsituations. Let them know you willlisten if they want to talk about it andalso help them to talk with school staffif necessary.

If your child feels nervous, talk abouthow you felt when you changedschools. Explain that it’s natural to feellike this and that everyone in their newyear group is in the same situation.Remind them that there will be lots ofopportunities to make new friends.

Coping with change

”“

Saying they feel too ill to go toschool, refusing to get out ofbed in the mornings, thesefeelings are all quite normal.

Start thinking about whichsecondary school you and yourchild would like to register withwell in advance. Arrange visits tothe local schools and find out asmuch as possible.

If your child feels nervous, talkabout how you felt when youchanged schools. Explain that it’snatural to feel like this and thateveryone in their new year groupis in the same situation.

When your child starts secondaryschool, it’s a big change for them.They’re used to being the oldestin their school - soon they’ll bethe youngest. Talk to your childabout what will happen.


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There are many services that are available for parentsprovided by a number of people such as the council,health services and the voluntary and communitysectors. This section should help give you an idea onwhat is available. All this information is available on thecouncil’s website. Visit www.brent.gov.uk/childcare

Families Information ServicesLocal authorities are under a duty to provide mothers,fathers and other carers with accessible informationabout the services, support and advice available to helpthem support their children up to their 20th birthday. Thisis being delivered through the Families InformationService, which acts as a central information point withlinks to NHS provision, children’s centres, Jobcentre Plus,schools, youth clubs, libraries and other facilities.

Health servicesThe Healthy Child Programme offers every family aprogramme of screening tests, immunisations,developmental reviews, and information and guidanceto support parenting and healthy choices - all services

that children and families need to receive if they are toachieve their optimum health and wellbeing.

The Healthy Child Programme, led by health visitors, isincreasingly being delivered through services that bringtogether children’s centre staff, GP’s, midwives,community nurses and others. Children’s centres are away of delivering community based services and will help:• support mothers and fathers to provide sensitive and

attuned parenting, in particular during the firstmonths and years of life

• ensure that contact with the family routinely involvesand supports fathers, including non-resident fathers

• support the transition to parenthood, especially forfirst - time mothers and fathers

• support parenting using programmes and practitionerswho are trained

• supporting parents through providing timely andaccurate parenting information.

Early learning and childcareEarly years and childcare providers have a critical role insupporting parents and families through the delivery ofhigh quality early learning and childcare in supportingparents to understand the benefit of the early homelearning environment. They can often help parents toaccess other help that they might need if they haveadditional needs.

SchoolsEvery parent should know that they will be supportedand encouraged to play their essential role in their child’seducation. Schools play a crucial role in identifyingneeds of families and ensuring these are addressed aswell as providing or facilitating service delivery directlysuch as extended services. Extended services promotesthe aim of every school providing access to a full coreoffer of before and after school activities; for primaryschools, childcare from 8am to 6pm, 48 weeks a year,delivered on the schools site or through other localproviders; swift and easy access to specialist services;community use of facilities; and parenting and familysupport. To meet the parenting support as part of theextended services offer, schools should provide:• information sessions for parents of pupils joining

reception and on transfer to secondary school• information about nationally and locally available

services and sources of advice and support• access to parenting groups using structured evidence

based parenting programmes, as well as moreinformation opportunities for parents to be involvedwith the school and each other

• family learning sessions to allow children to learnwith their parents.

Help to support youTypes of services

Parent Support Advisers (PSAs) work with families inand around schools, and with a broad range oforganisations that provide support to parents andfamilies and can help to deliver the extended servicesfull core offer. The PSAs role is to work with parents ina school context to support their children’s learning;help improve behaviour and attendance and overcomebarriers to learning; provide targeted preventativesupport and early intervention; and increase thenumbers of parents involved in their child’s education.

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http://www.brent.gov.uk/childcare

ContactsUseful national

Advisory Centre for Education(ACE)0808 800 5793www.ace-ed.org.uk

Barnardo’swww.barnardos.org.uk

Beating Eating Disorders0845 634 1414 www.b-eat.co.uk

Child Accident Prevention Trust(CAPT)020 7608 3828 www.capt.org.uk

ChildLine0800 1111 www.childline.org.uk

Contact a Family0808 808 3555 www.cafamily.org.uk

Cry-sis Helpline08451 228 669 www.cry-sis.org.uk

Cruse Bereavement Care0844 477 9400www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk

Dad Talkwww.dadtalk.co.uk

DrugScope020 7520 7550www.drugscope.org.uk

Families Anonymous0845 1200 660 www.famanon.org.uk

Family Information Directwww.dcsf.gov.uk/familyinformationdirect

Family Planning Association0845 122 8690 www.fpa.org.uk

Family Rights Group0808 801 0366 www.frg.org.uk

Kidscape08451 205 204 www.kidscape.org.uk

Meet A Mum Association (MAMA)0845 120 3746 www.mama.co.uk

National Domestic ViolenceHelpline0808 2000 247www.womensaid.org.ukhttp://refuge.org.uk

National Childminding Association(NCMA)0845 880 0044 www.ncma.org.uk

NHS Direct0845 4647 www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk

NSPCC0808 800 5000 www.nspcc.org.uk

Parentline Plus0808 800 2222www.parentlineplus.org.uk

YoungMinds0808 802 5544www.youngminds.org.uk

www.nhs.uk/change4life

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http://www.ace-ed.org.uk

http://www.dadtalk.co.uk

http://www.womensaid.org.uk

http://www.drugscope.org.uk

http://refuge.org.uk

http://www.barnardos.org.uk

http://www.famanon.org.uk

http://www.b-eat.co.uk

http://www.ncma.org.uk

http://www.dcsf.gov.uk/familyinformationdirect

http://www.capt.org.uk

http://www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk

http://www.fpa.org.uk

http://www.childline.org.uk

http://www.frg.org.uk

http://www.nspcc.org.uk

http://www.cafamily.org.uk

http://www.kidscape.org.uk

http://www.parentlineplus.org.uk

http://www.cry-sis.org.uk

http://www.youngminds.org.uk

http://www.mama.co.uk

http://www.nhs.uk/change4life

http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk

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For local and national contact details call Brent Children and Families Information Service

020 8937 3001www.brent.gov.uk/parenting

This booklet was given to me by

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CONTENTS PAGE - London Borough of Brent · 2013-01-30 · CONTENTS PAGE BACK TO TOP OF PAGE CONTENTS PAGE 6553-Brent A5 5-11 BMPDF:Layout 1 22/6/10 09:06 Page 7. Being a good role