Consultant Jokes.docx

7/27/2019 Consultant Jokes.docx

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Consultant Jokes - # 2

The Oldest Profession

A medical doctor, an engineer, and a management consultant were arguing about what was the

oldest profession in the world.

The doctor started "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adams

body. This must have required surgery, and so I can claim with a high degree of confidence that

mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The engineer responded, and said, "But earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created

the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the

most impressive application of civil engineering. Therefore, dear doctor, you are wrong: mine is

surely the oldest profession in the world."

The management consultant leaned back in his chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but

who do you think created the chaos?"


Light bulbs

How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?

It depends How large is your budget?

We don't know. Theynever seem to get

past the feasibility

study

Three. One to changethe bulb, one to

document the

process and one to

coach him on how to

conform to the

process

Four. One to changethe bulb and three to


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"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man below, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have

made a promise which you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met but now it is somehow

my fault."


Wife or Mistress?

A lawyer, a doctor and a management consultant were discussing the relative merits of having a

wife or a mistress.

The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want to divorce, there are a

number of complex legal problems to resolve and it will probably be very expensive."

The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security and wellbeing lowers

your stress and your blood pressure and is good for your health."

The management consultant says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when your

wife thinks you're with your mistress, and your mistress thinks you're with your wife -- you can go

to the office and get some work done.

Consultant Jokes - # 7The Golden Rules of Project Management

There are Two Golden Rules in Project Management:

1. Never tell anyone all you know

[pause] and thats it!

Thanks to Dick, Edinburgh.


Quality is remembered long after Price is forgotten...

A man walked into a management consultant's office and inquired about the rates for undertaking

an assignment.

"Well, typically we scope, structure and plan the assignment in advance, and charge $50,000 (plus

sales tax and expenses) for three questions", replied the consultant.


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"Isn't that ridiculously expensive?" asked the man.

"Yes," the consultant replied, "and what was your third question?"


Consultant brains

In a village in darkest Africa a sign hung over a Headhunters market stall:

Ordinary brains $10/lb

Engineer brains $8/lb

Doctor brains $7 /lb Accountant brains

$15 /lb

Consultant brains$114 /lb

Asked to explain the relatively high cost of Consultant brains, the Headhunter said "You don't

appreciate how many Consultants we have to catch to get a pound of brains!"

Consultant Jokes - # 10Ethics The Devil tells a Consultant, "OK, I can make you richer, more

successful and more famous than any Consultant alive. In fact, I can make you the greatest

Consultant that ever walked the planet." "Great" says the Consultant, "What do I have to do in

return?" The Devil smiles, "Well, of course you have to give me your soul," he says, "but you also

have to give me the souls of your children, the souls of your children's children and, just for good

measure, you have to give me the souls of all your descendants throughout eternity."

"Wait a minute," the Consultant says cautiously, "What's the catch?"

Thanks to Alexis, NYC.


101 ways


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A management consultant is a man who knows 101 ways to make love but doesnt know any

women.

Consultant Jokes - # 12Monkey Business

A man walks into a pet store looking to buy a monkey. The proprietor takes him to the back of the

store and shows him three identical looking, well cared for and content monkeys each housed in

spacious, animal friendly environments. "This one costs $600," says the owner. "Why so much?"

asks the customer. "Because it can sing and play the Banjo" answers the owner. The customer

inquires about the next monkey and is told, "That one costs $1,200, because it can talk, translate

20 languages and mix cocktails." The man is astonished and asks about the third monkey.

"That one costs $4,000," answers the proprietor. "4,000 dollars!" exclaims the man. "What can

that one do?" To which the owner replies, "To be frank, I've never seen it do anything, but it calls

itself a consultant."


The Consultant and the Frog

A guy was walking through the forest one day when a frog called out to him from the side of the

path...

It said "If you kiss me, I'll turn into an enchanting, beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the

frog, put it in his pocket and continued with his walk.

The frog chimed up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into an enchanting and

beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The guy stopped, took the frog out of his

pocket, smiled fondly at it, returned it to his pocket and resumed his walk.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into an enchanting, beautiful princess, I

will stay with you and you can do anything you want with me." Again the guy took the frog out,

smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asks in exasperation, "What the hell is wrong with you?I've told you I'm an

enchanting, beautiful princess; that I'll stay with you and let you do anything you want with me.

Why won't you kiss me?"

The guy said, "Look, I'm a consultant. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog How

Coolis THAT!! "

Thanks to Tom, Sydney.

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