A short lesson in interpersonal dynamics

Who we are in relation to others What drives us How we respond to stress and conflict

Women’s Work, April 21 Spring Presentation

Part 1: Competing ValuesThere are key components to how we work, alone or with

others. Where we sit on the continuum of flexibility to rigidity.

Our level of internal focus versus external focus.

Our view of short-term and long-term considerations.

The team player

Strengths:You make other people feel valuedYou are good at long-term relationships and goalsYou embrace and share your core valuesYou are seen as friendly and kindYou make a point of including everyone in any gathering

Weaknesses:You are slow to actionYou have a hard time setting and keeping goals

for yourself and othersYou avoid confrontation and unpleasant issuesYou don’t express your opinion openly so you

can be labeled as a “follower”

What is most important to you:Open communication, loyalty, friendship

Your motto: We’re in this together

The adventurer

Strengths:You are the Blue Sky visionaryYou are flexible, nimble, creativeYou love new and different thingsYou don’t like too much order—controlled chaos inspires you

Weaknesses:You tend to overshoot the objectiveYou can take something simple and make it into something much biggerYou tend to micromanage projects and people because you want it done your way

What is most important to you:Creative expression, the challenge of the new, breaking out of routine

Your motto: It’s never been done before

The Queen

Strengths:You are decisiveYou work hard and are dedicated to the task at handYou can juggle a million projects at onceYou are very high energy

Weaknesses:You tend to be controllingYou will do it yourself if you can’t get others to see it your wayYou are in it 100% until you burn out, then you are done

What is most important to you:Success, achieving personal and professional goals, accolades and acknowledgement of your contributions and skills

Your motto: If you want something done right . . .

The Analyst

Strengths:You are efficient and consistentYou can set every step to a long-term goal and get thereYou can analyze the pros and cons of anythingYou are the most organized person you know

Weaknesses:You are risk adverseYou can be inflexibleYou tend to be distrustful of othersYou struggle with some social interactions

What is most important to you:Dependability and reliability, honesty and integrity, intelligence

Your motto: I can prove it

Things to remember We aren’t always operating from the same quadrant “Queen” at home and “Adventurer” with our job

There are strengths and weaknesses to each role The trick is to recognize the weaknesses and adapt.

Why it is called “Competing Values” The quadrant opposite yours is the personality type that

aggravates you the most It operates in direct contrast to what you find rewarding and

important

The other two quadrants complement your style—so conflict is less likely

A strong team has all four quadrants.

So, who are you? Look at the quadrant descriptions for the qualities that seem to fit you.

Then see if you have issues with the qualities directly across from your quadrant—think of someone who fits the bill; do they aggravate you?

If the description seems fairly accurate and the opposite quadrant bugs you, then that is probably where you are.

Now we are going to break into groups—with at least one person representing each quadrant.

Some discussion points for your group

Do your personal and professional personas differ?

Are there qualities from the other quadrants you wish you had?

What do you recognize as your biggest strength and biggest weakness?

Are there any historical reasons why you are in the quadrant you are in? What life lessons put you there or were you born into that personality type?

Part 2: How you fight Now that we understand how we interact, the next step is to

look at how we handle situations where we are in conflict

Conflict The key components Stress response system Conflict types Conflict styles

Stress Response SystemYou have a stress response system Know your personal reaction Escalation—response is heightened, anxiety is overt and expressed Repression—response is controlled and reaction is focused immediately

on possible resolution

And the response you need from others: Escalation Repression

You Them

Escalator

Repressor

Escalator

Repressor

There are only three common combinations: almost no one reacts calmly themselves but wants escalation out of their partner or co-worker.

You need to know who you are and what you look for to feel “heard.” And you need to know your partner and what reaction he needs to see to feel “heard.”

5 types of conflictData conflictsI do more of the chores at homecauses: lack of information or misinformation different views on what is relevant different interpretations of the facts different assessment proceduresresolutions: reach agreement on what facts are important develop common criteria to assess the facts use third-party experts to gain outside opinion or break

deadlocks

Interest conflictsChores aren’t important to youcauses: perceived or actual competition core interests procedural approaches psychological needsresolutions: look for objective criteria develop integrative solutions that address needs of all

parties search for ways to expand options or resources develop trade-offs to satisfy interests

Structural conflictsYou say you will do the chores but they never get donecauses: destructive patterns of behavior or interaction unequal control or distribution of labor or resources unequal power or authority geographic, physical, or environmental factors that

hinder cooperation time constraintsresolutions: clearly define and change roles replace destructive behavior patterns establish a fair and mutually acceptable decision-making

process change negotiation process from positional to interest-

based bargaining

Value conflictsYou lied about doing somethingcause: different criteria for evaluating ideas or behavior intrinsically different foundational beliefs different ways of life, ideology, and religionresolutions: avoid defining problems in terms of value allow parties to agree to disagree search for overriding goal that all parties share

Relationship conflicts I don’t trust you to do the chorescause: strong emotions misperceptions or stereotypes poor communication or miscommunication repetitive negative behavior

resolutions: control expression of emotions through

procedural ground-rules

Focus on interests (why you want something) versus demands (what you want)

promote expression of emotions by legitimizing feelings and providing a non-combative process to express feelings

clarify perceptions and build positive perceptions

improve quality and quantity of communication

Conflict styles: Questionnaire Time

The Turtle ( WITHDRAWING ) Turtles withdraw into their shells to avoid conflicts. They give up their personal goals and relationships. They stay away

from the issues over which the conflict is taking place and from the persons they are in conflict with. Turtles believe it is hopeless to try and resolve conflicts. They feel helpless. They believe it is easier to withdraw (physically and psychologically) from a conflict than to face it.

The Shark ( FORCING ) Sharks try to overpower opponents by forcing them to accept their solutions to the conflict. Their goals are highly

important to them and relationships of minor importance. They seek to achieve their goals at all costs. They are not concerned with the needs of others. They do not care if others like or accept them. Sharks assume that conflicts are either won or lost and they want to be the winner. This gives them a sense of pride and achievement. Losing gives them a sense of weakness, inadequacy and failure. They try and win by attacking, overpowering, overwhelming and intimidating others.

The Teddy Bear ( SMOOTHING ) To teddy bears the relationship is of great importance while their own goals are of little importance. Teddies want to be

accepted and liked by other people. They think that conflict should be avoided in favour of harmony and that people cannot discuss conflicts without damaging relationships. They are afraid that if a conflict continues, someone will get hurt and that could ruin the relationship. They give up their goals to preserve the relationship. They like to smooth things over.

The Fox ( COMPROMISING ) Foxes are moderately concerned with their own goals and their relationships with others. They give up part of their own

goals and persuade others in a conflict to give up part of theirs. They seek a conflict solution in which both sides gain something - the middle ground between two extreme positions. They compromise; they will give up a part of their goal and relationship in order to find agreement for the common good.

The Owl ( CONFRONTING ) Owls highly value their own goals and relationships. They view conflicts as problems to be solved and seek a solution that

achieves both their own and the other person's goals. Owls see conflicts as a means of improving relationships by reducing tension between two people. They try to begin a discussion that identifies the conflict as a problem to be solved. By seeking solutions that satisfy everyone, owls maintain the relationship. They are not happy until a solution is found that both satisfies everyone's goals and resolves the tensions and negative feelings that may have been present.

Discussion questions

What strategies were you taught for dealing with conflict? For example, was it appropriate to have conflict in public? Were women supposed to respond differently than men?

What are your greatest fears about interpersonal conflict?

Who is someone with whom you have recently found yourself in conflict? What do you think is the key source of your conflict with this person?

competing valuesstress response systemconflict style

Would you do anything differently based on something you heard this evening?

Were you surprised at your results for the conflict style?