Conflict ManagementConflict Management

Chek-Yat Phoon, PhD, FCollTChek-Yat Phoon, PhD, FCollTNSD Education DepartmentNSD Education Department

Venue: HKMCVenue: HKMCSept 20, 2009Sept 20, 2009

It may good to sit on the It may good to sit on the problem.problem.

Objectives:Objectives:

1.1. Describe characteristics of conflict.Describe characteristics of conflict.2.2. Identify typical responses when needs are Identify typical responses when needs are

violated.violated.3.3. Distinguish among three stages of conflict.Distinguish among three stages of conflict.4.4. Define the five conflict handling modes Define the five conflict handling modes

discussed in the Thomas-Kilmann discussed in the Thomas-Kilmann Instrument.Instrument.

5.5. Review various conflict management Review various conflict management resources.resources.

6.6. Demonstrate methods to effectively Demonstrate methods to effectively resolve conflict situations.resolve conflict situations.

What do you know about What do you know about conflict?conflict?

Write “True” or “False” next to each statement below…Write “True” or “False” next to each statement below…

1.1. Conflict left alone will take care of itself.Conflict left alone will take care of itself.2.2. Confronting an issue or a person is always Confronting an issue or a person is always

unpleasant.unpleasant.3.3. Conflict within an organization is a sign of poor Conflict within an organization is a sign of poor

leadership.leadership.4.4. It takes two people communicating effectively to It takes two people communicating effectively to

change the direction of a conflict.change the direction of a conflict.5.5. Conflict can be constructive.Conflict can be constructive.6.6. How we respond to others and situations is based How we respond to others and situations is based

on the attitude we take.on the attitude we take.

What do you know about What do you know about conflict?conflict?

7.7. Anger is always negative and destructive.Anger is always negative and destructive.8.8. Communication is 50% verbal and 50% Communication is 50% verbal and 50%

nonverbal.nonverbal.9.9. Conflict is resolved once the goal switches from Conflict is resolved once the goal switches from

solving concrete problems to proving you are solving concrete problems to proving you are right and another person is wrong. right and another person is wrong.

10.10. Communication and emotion are two key Communication and emotion are two key elements of any conflict. elements of any conflict.

11.11. Conflict is best dealt with in the early stages when Conflict is best dealt with in the early stages when the fewest number of people are involved.the fewest number of people are involved.

12.12. In times of conflict it is important to speak loudly In times of conflict it is important to speak loudly and with authority in order to make a point.and with authority in order to make a point.

Objective 1Objective 1

Describe characteristics Describe characteristics of conflictof conflict..

Conflict…Conflict…

Occurs when cares/concerns appear to Occurs when cares/concerns appear to be incompatiblebe incompatible Internal ConflictInternal Conflict: :

a disturbance that rages within a single a disturbance that rages within a single

individualindividual Interpersonal ConflictInterpersonal Conflict::

a disturbance that exists between 2 or a disturbance that exists between 2 or

more individuals/groupsmore individuals/groups

Conflict is….Conflict is….

Something we face everyday.Something we face everyday. A fact of life.A fact of life. An opportunity to create an An opportunity to create an

understanding.understanding. Often a result of miscommunication. Often a result of miscommunication. Not limited to fighting.Not limited to fighting. Not always negative!Not always negative!

Critical Elements of ConflictCritical Elements of Conflict

CommunicationCommunication Verbal communicationVerbal communication

7%7% Non-verbal communicationNon-verbal communication

93%93% Emotional Aspect Emotional Aspect

Is this pushing a “hot button”?Is this pushing a “hot button”? What is your level of commitment to this person?What is your level of commitment to this person? What else is happening in your life?What else is happening in your life? On a scale of 1-10, how important is this?On a scale of 1-10, how important is this?

Emotional Don’ts:Emotional Don’ts:

Don’t get in a power struggle.Don’t get in a power struggle. Don’t detach from conflict.Don’t detach from conflict. Don’t let conflict establish your Don’t let conflict establish your

agenda.agenda. Don’t over-dramatize the situation.Don’t over-dramatize the situation. Don’t “awfulize”!!Don’t “awfulize”!!

Objective 2Objective 2

Identify typical Identify typical responses when responses when

needs are violated.needs are violated.

Four BasicFour Basic Psychological Needs: Psychological Needs:

To be valued and treated as an To be valued and treated as an individualindividual

To be in controlTo be in control

To have strong self-esteemTo have strong self-esteem

To be consistentTo be consistent

When needs are violated, When needs are violated, individuals respond.individuals respond.

Retaliate Retaliate MomentaryMomentary Always a mistakeAlways a mistake

Intimidate Intimidate Short tempersShort tempers Strong opinionsStrong opinions Hard on the long term relationshipHard on the long term relationship

When needs are violated, When needs are violated, individuals respond.individuals respond.

Isolate Isolate Appear to accept the situationAppear to accept the situation They may actually be suppressing itThey may actually be suppressing it This is how small problems grow into This is how small problems grow into

huge misunderstandingshuge misunderstandings

CooperateCooperate Confront the issue immediatelyConfront the issue immediately Address the problem by putting it on the Address the problem by putting it on the

tabletable Greatest long term benefitGreatest long term benefit

Is this your wish for all of Is this your wish for all of the difficult people in your the difficult people in your

life?life?

If so, you might If so, you might not be in a not be in a cooperative cooperative spirit! spirit!

Objective 3Objective 3

Distinguish among Distinguish among three stages of three stages of

conflict.conflict.

3 Stages of Conflict3 Stages of Conflict

Stage One: Everyday DifficultiesStage One: Everyday Difficulties Low intensityLow intensity Day-to-day irritationsDay-to-day irritations Discomfort & anger are quickly passed offDiscomfort & anger are quickly passed off ““No big deal” attitudeNo big deal” attitude

Strategies:Strategies: AvoidanceAvoidance ObligingObliging Jointly examine both sidesJointly examine both sides Evaluate the proportion of the reaction to the situationEvaluate the proportion of the reaction to the situation

3 Stages of Conflict3 Stages of Conflict Stage Two: Significant Difficulties Stage Two: Significant Difficulties

Win-lose attitudeWin-lose attitude More personal investmentMore personal investment Self interest & saving face is importantSelf interest & saving face is important Victories/mistakes are rememberedVictories/mistakes are remembered Alliances & cliques are formedAlliances & cliques are formed

Strategies:Strategies: Create a safe environment - informal setting, neutral Create a safe environment - informal setting, neutral

turf, agenda, control, set tone, be vulnerableturf, agenda, control, set tone, be vulnerable Hard on facts and soft on peopleHard on facts and soft on people Do initial work as a teamDo initial work as a team Look for middle groundLook for middle ground Allow enough timeAllow enough time Seat people next to each otherSeat people next to each other

3 Stages of Conflict3 Stages of Conflict Stage Three: Overt BattlesStage Three: Overt Battles

Shift from wanting to win to wanting to hurtShift from wanting to win to wanting to hurt Being right and punishing the wrong is a Being right and punishing the wrong is a

consuming motivationconsuming motivation Positions are polarizedPositions are polarized Logic and reason are ineffectiveLogic and reason are ineffective

Strategies:Strategies: Negotiation - discussion & compromiseNegotiation - discussion & compromise Mediation - third party serves as a go-between Mediation - third party serves as a go-between

in order to reconcilein order to reconcile Arbitration - determination of a case in Arbitration - determination of a case in

controversy by a person selected by the controversy by a person selected by the partiesparties

Objective 4Objective 4

Define the five conflict Define the five conflict handling modes handling modes discussed in the discussed in the Thomas-Kilmann Thomas-Kilmann

Instrument.Instrument.

What’s Your Conflict What’s Your Conflict Management Style? Management Style?

How do you react during a conflict...and How do you react during a conflict...and how do others react to you? how do others react to you?

Thomas-Kilman Instrument (TKI) -Thomas-Kilman Instrument (TKI) -Provides information about an Provides information about an individual’s style of handling conflict, individual’s style of handling conflict, compared to five distinct modes.compared to five distinct modes.

ASSERTIVENESS (Trying to satisfy your ASSERTIVENESS (Trying to satisfy your own concerns) vs. COOPERATIVENESS own concerns) vs. COOPERATIVENESS (Trying to satisfy the other’s concerns)(Trying to satisfy the other’s concerns)

Graph of Conflict Handling Graph of Conflict Handling ModesModes

Accommodating

Compromising

Avoiding

CollaboratingCompeting

CooperativeUncooperative

Ass

ert

ive

Unass

ert

ive

TKI Conflict Handling ModesTKI Conflict Handling Modes CompetingCompeting:: High assertiveness and low High assertiveness and low

cooperativeness —the goal is to “win” cooperativeness —the goal is to “win” Occurs when you take a position that Occurs when you take a position that

meets your concerns but not the other meets your concerns but not the other person’s. A win-lose mode.person’s. A win-lose mode.

TKI Conflict Handling ModesTKI Conflict Handling Modes AccommodatingAccommodating: : Low assertiveness and Low assertiveness and

high cooperativeness — the goal is to high cooperativeness — the goal is to “yield”“yield” Occurs when you accept a position that Occurs when you accept a position that

meets the other person’s concerns over meets the other person’s concerns over yours. A win-lose mode.yours. A win-lose mode.

TKI Conflict Handling ModesTKI Conflict Handling Modes

AvoidingAvoiding:: Low assertiveness and low Low assertiveness and low cooperativeness — the goal is to “delay” cooperativeness — the goal is to “delay” Occurs when you try not to engage in a Occurs when you try not to engage in a

conflict issue. It is a lose-lose mode.conflict issue. It is a lose-lose mode.

TKI Conflict Handling ModesTKI Conflict Handling Modes

CompromisingCompromising:: Moderate Moderate assertiveness and moderate assertiveness and moderate cooperativeness — the goal is to “find a cooperativeness — the goal is to “find a middle ground" middle ground" Settle for a position that partially Settle for a position that partially

satisfies your concerns and those of satisfies your concerns and those of the other person. A win-lose mode.the other person. A win-lose mode.

TKI Conflict Handling ModesTKI Conflict Handling Modes

CollaboratingCollaborating: : High assertiveness and High assertiveness and high cooperativeness — the goal is to high cooperativeness — the goal is to “find a win-win solution” “find a win-win solution” Occurs when you find a position that Occurs when you find a position that

fully satisfies your own and the other fully satisfies your own and the other person’s concerns. A win-win mode.person’s concerns. A win-win mode.

Uses of Each TKI ModeUses of Each TKI Mode

Scenario: A parent has submitted a Scenario: A parent has submitted a somewhat controversial proposal to somewhat controversial proposal to the Church Board which has led to the Church Board which has led to conflict between the parent and the conflict between the parent and the youth department leader.youth department leader.

We’ll first look at a poor use and then We’ll first look at a poor use and then a more effective use of each mode.a more effective use of each mode.

CompetingCompeting Poor use:Poor use:

Youth leader… “Look, I don’t care what you think or how Youth leader… “Look, I don’t care what you think or how unfair you think this is! Rules are rules, and I’ve been unfair you think this is! Rules are rules, and I’ve been hired to enforce them with no exceptions! I’m right in this hired to enforce them with no exceptions! I’m right in this situation, and the case is closed!”situation, and the case is closed!”

Effective use:Effective use: Youth leader… “I understand that this is an important Youth leader… “I understand that this is an important

issue for you. However, as your proposal is currently issue for you. However, as your proposal is currently stated, it does not fit in the guidelines set by the youth stated, it does not fit in the guidelines set by the youth department. As youth leader, it is my job to enforce the department. As youth leader, it is my job to enforce the rules that have been set no matter how unpopular they rules that have been set no matter how unpopular they may be. The Church Board has set the rules so that the may be. The Church Board has set the rules so that the youth program is within guidelines. I am not asking you youth program is within guidelines. I am not asking you to agree with my position, but I do hope that you will to agree with my position, but I do hope that you will respect it.”respect it.”

AvoidingAvoiding Poor use:Poor use:

Youth leader (has received a call from the secretary)… Youth leader (has received a call from the secretary)… “No, I don’t want to talk to him now. Tell him I’m not in. “No, I don’t want to talk to him now. Tell him I’m not in. No…tell him I’m in a meeting and can’t be disturbed. I No…tell him I’m in a meeting and can’t be disturbed. I don’t care what you tell him…just get rid of him!”don’t care what you tell him…just get rid of him!”

Effective use:Effective use: Youth leader… “Look, this is obviously an emotional issue Youth leader… “Look, this is obviously an emotional issue

for you. I know that you have a lot invested in it. Why for you. I know that you have a lot invested in it. Why don’t we take some time away from the issue right now don’t we take some time away from the issue right now and plan to talk again tomorrow? How does 10 a.m. and plan to talk again tomorrow? How does 10 a.m. sound? In the mean time, I will do some research on your sound? In the mean time, I will do some research on your issue to see if I can find additional options for us to issue to see if I can find additional options for us to consider regarding your situation.”consider regarding your situation.”

AccommodatingAccommodating Poor use:Poor use:

Youth leader… “Hey…I understand this is important to Youth leader… “Hey…I understand this is important to you. So, even though your proposal doesn’t fit within the you. So, even though your proposal doesn’t fit within the department’s guidelines, I’ll overlook it this time and department’s guidelines, I’ll overlook it this time and recommend it for approval. You’re an important member recommend it for approval. You’re an important member of the church, and I don’t want to damage our relationship of the church, and I don’t want to damage our relationship in the future.”in the future.”

Effective use:Effective use: Youth leader… “I don’t want to seem unresponsive to your Youth leader… “I don’t want to seem unresponsive to your

concerns on this important issue. However, I don’t have concerns on this important issue. However, I don’t have authority to overturn the Church Board’s decision. So, authority to overturn the Church Board’s decision. So, what I suggest is that I put your issue on the agenda of what I suggest is that I put your issue on the agenda of the next Church Board meeting and invite you to attend, the next Church Board meeting and invite you to attend, to see if the board has some additional options for you to to see if the board has some additional options for you to consider.”consider.”

CompromisingCompromising Poor use:Poor use: Youth leader… “You’ve heard the expression, ‘You scratch Youth leader… “You’ve heard the expression, ‘You scratch

my back, and I’ll scratch yours’? I bet we can come to my back, and I’ll scratch yours’? I bet we can come to some agreement here. You’ve got season tickets to the some agreement here. You’ve got season tickets to the basketball games this year, right? How ‘bout you letting basketball games this year, right? How ‘bout you letting me have tickets for a couple of games, and I’ll see if I can’t me have tickets for a couple of games, and I’ll see if I can’t get this proposal to slip right through the Board? They get this proposal to slip right through the Board? They have so many issues to deal with, they won’t even know!”have so many issues to deal with, they won’t even know!”

Effective use:Effective use: Youth leader… “The Church board has set some pretty Youth leader… “The Church board has set some pretty

tight guidelines for me to follow. However, they tight guidelines for me to follow. However, they understand that there are times that some allowances may understand that there are times that some allowances may need to be made. If you would agree to a revision here in need to be made. If you would agree to a revision here in Part A of your proposal to be in line with the Board’s Part A of your proposal to be in line with the Board’s guidelines, I believe that they would be willing to consent guidelines, I believe that they would be willing to consent to your request in Part B. Would you consider that to your request in Part B. Would you consider that revision?”revision?”

CollaboratingCollaborating Poor use:Poor use: Youth leader… “O.K., we have an obvious difference of Youth leader… “O.K., we have an obvious difference of

opinion here. I’m not willing to take the responsibility opinion here. I’m not willing to take the responsibility by myself, so let’s call together a series of meetings by myself, so let’s call together a series of meetings with the Board, their sub-committees, some other with the Board, their sub-committees, some other Leaders, parents, and members. We’ll see if we can’t Leaders, parents, and members. We’ll see if we can’t research this issue in depth, discuss it extensively, and research this issue in depth, discuss it extensively, and come up with a solution in which all parties are in come up with a solution in which all parties are in agreement. I’m guessing this process will only take agreement. I’m guessing this process will only take about 6-8 months. That’s not too long of a wait for about 6-8 months. That’s not too long of a wait for you, is it?”you, is it?”

Effective use:Effective use: Youth leader… “Since this is such an important issue Youth leader… “Since this is such an important issue

both to you and the youth department, I suggest that both to you and the youth department, I suggest that we sit down at a special meeting of the Board to try to we sit down at a special meeting of the Board to try to better understand each others’ concerns. We don’t better understand each others’ concerns. We don’t want this issue to be unresolved too long, because want this issue to be unresolved too long, because there are a lot of resources involved here, but I do there are a lot of resources involved here, but I do think it is important to try to reach a mutual decision think it is important to try to reach a mutual decision that we can all agree upon. Let’s plan for a one-hour that we can all agree upon. Let’s plan for a one-hour meeting with the Board next week, O.K.?”meeting with the Board next week, O.K.?”

What is the Best Way to What is the Best Way to Handle Conflict???Handle Conflict???

No silver bullet or magic formula.No silver bullet or magic formula.

Key is knowing when to use each Key is knowing when to use each strategy, and not to let the situation strategy, and not to let the situation get out of controlget out of control

Remember…Remember…Negative Behavior Negative Behavior never confronted, never never confronted, never changes!!!!!changes!!!!!

Objective 5Objective 5

Review various Review various conflict conflict

management management resources.resources.

Conflict Management Conflict Management ResourcesResources

Thomas, K.W. & Kilmann, R.H. Thomas, K.W. & Kilmann, R.H. Thomas-Kilman Conflict Mode Thomas-Kilman Conflict Mode Instrument, www.cpp.comInstrument, www.cpp.com

Thomas, K.W. Introduction to Conflict Thomas, K.W. Introduction to Conflict Management, Improving Management, Improving Performance Using the TKI, Performance Using the TKI, www.cpp.comwww.cpp.com

Objective 6Objective 6

Demonstrate Demonstrate methods to methods to

effectively resolve effectively resolve conflict situations.conflict situations.

Conflict Management Conflict Management ScenariosScenarios

ScenarioScenario

The President of the board to which you The President of the board to which you are an advisor works hard at each are an advisor works hard at each meeting to make everyone feel meeting to make everyone feel welcome. But, when it comes to welcome. But, when it comes to encouraging committees to work and encouraging committees to work and the members to complete their the members to complete their assignments, nothing positive seems to assignments, nothing positive seems to happen. As advisor you have been happen. As advisor you have been asked by some of the board members asked by some of the board members to resolve this situation. to resolve this situation.

Tips to Handling ConflictsTips to Handling Conflicts

Keep program policies with youKeep program policies with you Listen and ask clarifying questionsListen and ask clarifying questions Write notes and keep record of Write notes and keep record of

conversationsconversations Consider various optionsConsider various options

Tips to Handling ConflictsTips to Handling Conflicts

Learn from the conflictLearn from the conflict What did you do well?What did you do well? What would you like to improve the next What would you like to improve the next

time?time? What changes (if any) need to be made What changes (if any) need to be made

as a result of this issue?as a result of this issue? Real-life examples and tips???Real-life examples and tips???

What do you know about What do you know about conflict?conflict?

Write “True” or “False” next to each statement below…Write “True” or “False” next to each statement below…

1.1. Conflict left alone will take care of itself.Conflict left alone will take care of itself.2.2. Confronting an issue or a person is always Confronting an issue or a person is always

unpleasant.unpleasant.3.3. Conflict within an organization is a sign of poor Conflict within an organization is a sign of poor

leadership.leadership.4.4. It takes two people communicating effectively to It takes two people communicating effectively to

change the direction of a conflict.change the direction of a conflict.5.5. Conflict can be constructive.Conflict can be constructive.6.6. How we respond to others and situations is based on How we respond to others and situations is based on

the attitude we take.the attitude we take.

7.7. Anger is always negative and destructive.Anger is always negative and destructive.8.8. Communication is 50% verbal and 50% Communication is 50% verbal and 50%

nonverbal.nonverbal.9.9. Conflict is resolved once the goal switches from Conflict is resolved once the goal switches from

solving concrete problems to proving you are solving concrete problems to proving you are right and another person is wrong. right and another person is wrong.

10.10. Communication and emotion are two key Communication and emotion are two key elements of any conflict. elements of any conflict.

11.11. Conflict is best dealt with in the early stages Conflict is best dealt with in the early stages when the fewest number of people are involved.when the fewest number of people are involved.

12.12. In times of conflict it is important to speak loudly In times of conflict it is important to speak loudly and with authority in order to make a point.and with authority in order to make a point.

Conflict Quiz ReviewConflict Quiz Review

1.1. FalseFalse

2.2. FalseFalse

3.3. FalseFalse

4.4. FalseFalse

5.5. TrueTrue

6.6. TrueTrue

7.7. FalseFalse

8.8. FalseFalse

9.9. FalseFalse

10.10. TrueTrue

11.11. TrueTrue

12.12. FalseFalse

Questions?Questions?

……for your for your participation for participation for your certificationyour certification