Communicating to Influence€¦ · giving and receiving feedback ... do’s and don’ts of giving feedback ... i demonstrate that i listen by giving full attention reflecting data

Releasing potential through

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© Directory of Social Change 2018 M PhillipsCOM2INF

Communicating to Influence

The following information aims to help you understand the

course content.

It is not intended to provide detailed advice on specific points.

Legal references are not necessarily a full statement of the law.

Trainer:

Mike Phillips

Trainer, Facilitator, Consultant and Coach

Trainer, Facilitator, Consultant and Coach

Delivered on Behalf of: Directory of Social Change

Last Updated: 03/07/2018

This Handouts Pack can be made

available in accessible formats:

Please ask for details

Handouts

Pack



2

© Directory of Social Change 2018 M Phillips/COM2INF

Handouts Pack Contents

ABOUT YOUR TRAINER/FACILITATOR ...................................................................................... 3

PROGRAMME .......................................................................................................................... 4

HOW TO PERSUADE AND INFLUENCE ...................................................................................... 5

AN EFFECTIVE INFLUENCER ...................................................................................................... 8

ASSUMPTIONS AND OVERCOMING THEM ............................................................................... 9

UNDERSTANDING BEHAVIOUR: ............................................................................................. 10

TOP TIPS FOR COMMUNICATION .......................................................................................... 11

INTERPERSONAL SKILLS ......................................................................................................... 15

HOW WE COMMUNICATE: THE THREE V’S............................................................................. 16

WHAT MESSAGE ARE YOU SENDING? .................................................................................... 19

COMMUNICATION STYLES EXPLAINED .................................................................................. 22

REPRESENTATIONAL SYSTEMS ............................................................................................... 27

WHY DON’T WE LISTEN? ........................................................................................................ 29

EFFECTIVE AND INEFFECTIVE LISTENING ................................................................................ 31

TOP TIPS FOR ACTIVE LISTENING ........................................................................................... 33

TOP TIPS FOR QUESTIONING SKILLS ...................................................................................... 35

GIVING AND RECEIVING FEEDBACK ....................................................................................... 37

DO’S AND DON’TS OF GIVING FEEDBACK .............................................................................. 38

CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM ..................................................................................................... 40

UNDERSTANDING CONFLICT .................................................................................................. 42

TYPES OF CONFLICT ............................................................................................................... 44

CONFLICT MANAGEMENT STYLES .......................................................................................... 45

CONFLICT: IS IT NEGATIVE OF POSITIVE? ............................................................................... 48

SEVEN STEPS TO HANDLING CONFLICT .................................................................................. 49

USEFUL RESOURCES ............................................................................................................... 50

STAY CONNECTED .................................................................................................................. 51



© Directory of Social Change 2018 M Phillips/IYTM

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About Your Trainer/Facilitator

Mike is a freelance trainer/facilitator/consultant/coach who is passionate about releasing potential

through learning and development.

Mike has delivered training across London, the UK and

internationally using diverse interactive training techniques

which build upon adult learning, brain-friendly and accelerated

learning principles.

Since establishing a charity in Wales in his 20s, Mike has worked mainly

in the charity sector within health and social care (including HIV, mental

health and dementia).

He has also worked in social services and local government undertaking neighbourhood renewal and

community development work.

Freelance since 2008, in addition to his own broad customer base, Mike works as an associate trainer

with Affinity Training, Blue Phoenix Communications, Directory of Social Change (DSC) and Dementia Path

Finders (formerly Dementia UK - Training).

With a varied career, Mike specialises in topics as diverse as:

▪ Management, Leadership and Team-

building

▪ Personal Effectiveness

▪ HR, Learning and Development

▪ Communication Skills

▪ Care Matters – Health and Social

Care Issues

▪ Dementia Care

▪ Working with Diversity

Qualifications/professional memberships

▪ Associate Chartered Institute of

Personnel and Development

▪ (No. 22743061)

▪ Eden Alternative Associate

▪ Belbin™ Team Roles Accredited

▪ Institute of Equality and Diversity

Practitioner

▪ Dementia Care Mapper

▪ International Association of Facilitators

Further details

Please email [email protected] for details about other course titles available.

Follow Mike Phillips Training on:

http://mikephillipstraining.blogspot.co.uk/

https://www.facebook.com/MikePhillipsTraining

https://twitter.com/MikePTrain

http://www.linkedin.com/in/mikephillipstraining



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Programme

10:00 ▪ Welcome and Introductions

▪ Expectations and Group Agreement

▪ The Effective Influencer

▪ What makes people tick?

▪ Avoiding Assumptions

11:15 Tea Break

11:30 ▪ Building rapport

▪ Communication Styles

13:00 Lunch

13:45 ▪ Active Listening Skills and the 6 E’s of Listening

▪ Signs and Symptoms of Conflict and Handling Potential

Conflict

15:15 Tea break

15:30 ▪ Action Planning

16:30 Summary and Close

Please note that the above timings are approximate.

In respect of your fellow learners and so that we can get through the content of the

day, it would be appreciated if you would take responsibility to ensure that you return

from all breaks on time.




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How to persuade and influence

Influencing Behaviours

So, it’s all just about getting what you want?

No, but it might be about how you get what you want. Persuading and influencing is

part of our everyday communication. In our words, actions and gestures we all

consciously or sub-consciously persuade and influence. It’s about seeking positive

outcomes

Is it about influencing onions then?

Hmmm … you imagine people are just like onions with a ‘heart and soul’ in the middle

and personal layers of values, attitudes and beliefs, feelings and behaviour.

I DEMONSTRATE THAT I LISTEN BY GIVING FULL ATTENTION REFLECTING DATA REFLECTING FEELINGS SUMMARISING

I DEMONSTRATE THAT I LISTEN BY GIVING FULL ATTENTION REFLECTING DATA REFLECTING FEELINGS

SUMMARISING

I STATE WHAT I WANT OR WHAT ACTION I WANT TAKEN

I DISCLOSE PERSONAL AND WORK INFORMAITON RELEVANT TO THE CURRENT SITUATION

I SPELL OUT THE BENEFITS OF DOING WHAT I WANT AND/OR THE NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES FOR YOU NOT

MEETING MY EXPECTIONS

I FOCUS AND BUILD ON COMMON GROUND

I OPENELY EI OPENELY EXPRESS MY FEELINGS ABOUT THE CURRENT SITUATIONXPRESS MY FEELINS ABOUT THE CURRENT

SITUATION



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Can I assume then that if I know how they behave, then I

‘have their measure’?

▪ Definitely not, certain values do not equal certain behaviour. Be aware of the

following to avoid making assumptions:

Be aware people will behave differently in different situations – as

you do

Be influenced by the positive as well as the negative

Be non-judgemental.

Don’t look with favour because they are like you – or vice versa

Don’t make your mind up on first impressions

Don’t stereotype

Actively listen

So, what can I do?

▪ Acknowledge that people have different influences and therefore different

styles. Always start with the other person – their values, needs, wants,

perspectives and desires.

▪ Be consistent and congruent in putting across your message – people hate

double standards. They will see through the Ivory Tower syndrome and

where your body language belies your words.

▪ Be sure of the facts and state the facts – but do not ignore the feelings.

▪ Check for understanding – both ways.

▪ Learn and choose appropriate approaches and responses.

▪ Most importantly - if what you’re doing isn’t working, change your

approach.

So, if I do the talking and say the right things – that

should do it?

▪ Don’t be so sure. Effective listening with a considered response is a far

better guarantee. Similarly, when you are talking, be aware of how others

are listening – what are they seeing, hearing, feeling, remembering and

associating – what expectations do they have?

▪ Good listeners get listened to – because they help to build rapport.




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But really ‘difficult’ people – there’s no point in bothering

– you get nowhere!

▪ Bottom line – you can change your ways and it can be a huge factor in

helping you communicate with others - but you can’t change other

people.

▪ However, it must be acknowledged that we will all at some time meet

with people with whom we feel we will ‘never get anywhere’. What

counts is that you do what you can, you do your best and if it isn’t good

enough – let this one go – go home and kiss your partner, walk the dog,

cuddle the kids or watch Richard and Judy.

▪ Most days – for most people – our everyday people skills do just fine.

We might occasionally make mistakes or overreact or say the wrong

thing and have to say sorry later – that’s just part of being human and

fallible. But most days it’s ‘good enough’.

Top Tip - Don’t make it personal, don’t take it personally.



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An Effective Influencer

Effective influencers are flexible in their approach and

adapt their communication style to the wants and needs of

those they wish to influence.

I • Indicates the benefits of their idears

N • Neutralises resistenace, in advance

F • Finds alternative ways to influence others

L • Listens carefully to what others say

U • Uncovers wants and needs

E • Expectation

N • Notices others' responses

C • Creates and maintains rapport

E • Eliminates weak statements from their language

R • Rehearses, rehearses, rehearses




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Assumptions and Overcoming Them

Assumptions we make Ways to overcome this

▪ Accent

▪ Age

▪ Appearance

▪ Background

▪ Beliefs

▪ Body language

▪ Clothes

▪ Confidence/networking

▪ Disability

▪ Ethnicity

▪ Experience

▪ Facial expressions

▪ Family/children

▪ Feelings/mood

▪ Friends

▪ Gender

▪ Hair & make-up

▪ Hobbies

▪ How others perceive the person

▪ Music & interests

▪ Nationality

▪ Political affiliation

▪ Position at work

▪ Qualifications

▪ Race

▪ Religion

▪ Reputation

▪ Sexual orientation

▪ Single/married

▪ Tone of voice

▪ Weight

▪ What you don’t say

▪ Where you live/work/study

✓ Accept you are making

assumptions

✓ Act professionally

✓ Ask Questions

✓ Be aware of making assumptions

✓ Be aware people will behave diff in

diff situations – as you do

✓ Be influenced by positive as well

as negative

✓ Be non-judgemental

✓ Challenge your assumptions

✓ Change your reaction

✓ Check before acting on it

✓ Do not jump to conclusion

✓ Don’t look with favour because

they are like you – or vice versa

✓ Don’t make mind up on first

impressions

✓ Don’t stereotype

✓ Have an open mind

✓ Ignore your assumptions, give

space

✓ Listen actively

✓ Observe other people successful

encounters and learn their

winning strategies

✓ Take note of your situation, that

you are responding from your

own perception

✓ Understand that what you value

might be similar to what someone

else values, but the way you show

it might be different

✓ Understand your reaction is only

one possibility



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Understanding Behaviour:

What makes us Tick?

Behaviour is:

▪ A reaction to something that has happened or how we feel

▪ A reflection of what we are thinking or feeling

▪ An attempt to communicate

When we deal with other humans, it is almost as if they were an onion, consisting of

many different layers, from the biology/genetics at the core that makes each of us

unique. The layers build from the values that we develop in early childhood, through

attitudes/beliefs and feelings to the external behaviour.

The challenge in any human interaction is that often we only see the outer layer of the

onion – the behaviour – we do not necessarily see the causes that may lay ‘beneath

the surface’.

This is why when communicating with others we need to use empathy and try to

understand things from the other person’s point of view. It is important to avoid the

trap of assumptions and truly consider the ‘basis’ of the person: who they are, what

they like, how they like to communicate. We need to:




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▪ Look beyond the immediate behaviour of the person – seek out meaning

and feelings behind words and actions

Top Tips for Communication

▪ Allow the other person to finish speaking

▪ Ask questions

▪ Avoid jargon

▪ Be accurate – e.g. don’t ‘guess’ delivery dates

▪ Be aware of body language (including on the telephone!)

▪ Concentrate on what is being said – not on what you’ll say next

▪ Encourage the other person through using open questions

▪ Make the other person feel valued and special

▪ Offer a choice

▪ Share information, ideas and solutions

▪ Summarise what has been said

▪ Take notes as needed



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Understanding the Communication Process

1 •Start with a Message

2 •Transmitter encodes the message

3•Encoded Message is

Transmitted

4 •Encoded message is Received

5•Receiver

decodes the message




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Strategies for building trust and rapport

Rapport means:

▪ Getting your behaviour in harmony with others

▪ Flexibility to behave like others

▪ Not getting them to like you

We can build and develop rapport and trust with customers if we become aware of:

▪ Do they nod or shake their head?

▪ Facial expressions

▪ Hand gestures

▪ Head tipped to one side or upright

▪ Leaning forward, back or upright

▪ Legs are positioned (flat on floor, crossed)

▪ Movement in chest from breathing

▪ Position of body (square to other or sideways)

▪ Seem tense or relaxed

▪ Sitting still vs. moving body position

Techniques for Building Rapport

▪ Be empathetic to the customer’s feelings

▪ Explain your reasons for saying no, where relevant

▪ Let the customer know her or his options

▪ Say “please” and “thank you”

▪ Show your interest in the customer’s needs

▪ Use the other customer’s name



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Building Trust & Rapport

Active

listening

Accurate,

sensitive

responding

Being

fully

present

Reflecting

feelings

Demonstrating

empathy

Being

genuine

Unconditional

positive

regard




15

Interpersonal Skills

Interpersonal Skills

Interpersonal skills are the verbal and non-verbal skills when communicating

with others in face-to-face situations.

Communication

Communication is the CREATING of UNDERSTANDING in the minds of others

which will lead to their being able to take action or respond. Communication

requires using our interpersonal skills in order to influence, inform, persuade

and get others to act.

Verbal Communication

• Words, phrases, sentences

• Speed of delivery

• Tone and volume of voice

• Variation in delivery

Non-verbal Communication

• Eye contact

• Facial expressions

• Gestures of hands

• Movement

• Posture

• Use of space



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How we communicate: The Three V’s

Face-to-face communication involves more than just the words we use.

Also important are how we use the words in our voice (tone, inflection) and what we

do our body while speaking (our facial expression, gestures, posture and so on).

Mehrabian in his famous studies of the 1960s on “Body Language” found that the

“Three V’s” – verbal, vocal, visual – contributed the following percentages to the oral

communication process.

According to the work of Albert Mehrabian when communicating feelings, this divides

into:

The last two V’s together are referred to as “non-verbal communication” (NVC).

Repeated experiments by researchers have confirmed that body language contributes

at least 55% if not even more to face-to-face communication.

55 %38 %

7 %

Elements of Communication

Body Language Tone of Voice Words




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Body language involves at least these elements:

Appearance

▪ Clothing (suit and tie, T-shirt, long skirt, mini skirt); hairstyle (shirt

back and sides, long and flowing); jewellery (pearls, beads, bangles);

shoes (sandals, boots, Doc Martens)….

Face

▪ Facial expression: smiles, scowls, pursed lips, tight lips, open mouth,

wrinkled nose, furrowed brow, inflated cheeks, clenched teeth….

Eyes

▪ Eye contact: direct gaze, eyeball-to-eyeball, eye avoidance, eyes up,

eyes down……… - Eye expression: wide-eyed, squinting, rolled up,

raised brows….

Gestures

▪ Body movements: head nods, shoulder shrugs, arm waving, crossed arms, leg

shifts….

▪ Hand and foot movements: hand signs, clenched fists, finger tapping, foot

tapping….

Posture

▪ Standing: erect, stooped, tense, relaxed, hunched, bowed, legs apart, legs

together…

▪ Sitting: edge of chair, well back, hands in lap, hands on knees, legs crossed,

legs extended, head down, head up, head in hands….

Location

▪ Rooted to the spot, pacing back and forth, shifting from one foot to the other,

sitting on the edge of a table, learning on something, behind something (a

podium, a table, a desk)…..



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Touch

▪ Handshake (firm, limp, one-handed, two-handed); touching (arm, face, hair);

embraces (arm around shoulder, full hugs); kisses (on cheeks, forehead, hair, hand,

mouth)...

Space

▪ Too close (intimidating, invading), too far away (avoiding)…

▪ The list goes on. Everything we do while speaking contributes to the message

conveyed. So be careful. But be confident too. By knowing about body language and

NVC we can use them to our advantage.




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What Message are you Sending?

The words we use – the messages they may convey

The words we use can convey all types of messages, some

of which may not be what we actually intend.

The meaning of any message we send will depend upon

how it is interpreted by the receiver.

Saying Effect conveyed to the other person

I’m sure you don’t need to worry about that Trivialises the other person’s worry

Time will heal – you’ll come to terms with it

eventually

You have resorted to a cliché because you

can’t be bothered to think of anything else

to say

Other people cope with far worse things –

buck up!

Diminishes the other person

Don’t you think you should…? Preaching – implies that you know best

Can we move on to the really important

issues

Impatience – your concerns are more

important

I think you’re right, the real problem is with

someone else

Colluding – covers up the problem

Verbal Communication Skills

K• Keep

I• It

S• Short &

S• Simple



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Clear and Confident Messages

Managing the Message

▪ Acknowledge potential feelings and responses – though don’t assume them.

▪ Acknowledge that in the real world ‘things do go wrong’ and people/things do

move on. “Failure is not falling down, but staying down”.

▪ Be clear and honest about any negative factors and use these factors to

highlight the need for future motivation/commitment/action.

▪ Be clear on the message you want to give.

▪ Be specific and to the point. Don’t give long pre-ambles – it makes people

nervous – and may show your anxiety or lack of confidence.

▪ Don’t try to wing it. Really think it through and practice aloud how different

words, phrases and tones sound.

▪ Use facts and evidence based information.

Managing the impact

▪ Anticipate responses – or reactions!

▪ Be prepared to listen, answer questions, offer support if appropriate.

Consider how you will manage them.

▪ Do certain people need to hear the message at the same time? Should some

people hear the message before others?

▪ Ensure that the timing and conditions are right. Who needs to know what,

when and how will you communicate?

▪ Set the tone letting people know whether you are having a conversation,

whether you are briefing them and they can reply, whether you are briefing

them and there won’t be opportunity to reply (should be rare if ever) or

whether you are giving them information on a need to know basis.

Managing your delivery

• Be ‘to the point’.




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• Consider the communication style preferences of those receiving the message and

pitch accordingly. You may need to think about the proportion of facts, emotional

impacts, ways forward etc. contained in the message.

• Do you need to stand, sit, roam around – whichever, ensure your body language is

still, expressive where necessary, ‘open’ and mostly, congruent with the words

you are saying.

• Don’t waffle and ramble.

• Give eye contact to the whole group

• Keep your head up right, your eyes focussed, your body and hands and feet still

and your voice at the right volume in the right tone.

• Maintain eye contact with individuals.

• Use ‘I’ or ‘we’ statements as appropriate.

• Use confident behaviours:

• You may need to open on a serious note but finish with words of motivation –

ensure your tone and words communicate this.

Finally, don’t remove your personality from the message – you risk trust!



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The Words we Use

Words that can weaken our message:

▪ Could

▪ I don’t suppose…

▪ May

▪ Maybe

▪ Might

▪ Not usually

▪ Possible

▪ Possibly

▪ Sorry

▪ Try

Power Words

▪ Best

▪ Easy

▪ Enjoy

▪ Evidence

▪ Fun

▪ Future

▪ Guaranteed

▪ Inexpensive

▪ Logical

▪ New

▪ Proven

▪ Reliable

▪ Research

▪ Safety

▪ Save

▪ Security

▪ Stress-free




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▪ Tested

▪ Trouble-free

▪ Trues Free

▪ Unique

▪ Values

▪ Vision

▪ Will feel Like…

▪ Will look like…

▪ Will sound like…

▪ Your Needs

▪ Your perspective

The Power of Positive Behaviour

▪ Actively LISTEN – we learn more from SILENCE

Flexibility – be willing to and prepared to change your approach, as required

▪ Appropriate tone of voice that matches your message

▪ Awareness and empathy to the needs of others

▪ Continually maintain rapport

▪ Control group behaviour and dynamics

▪ Deal with aggression

▪ Handle difficult customers

▪ Live by your values and beliefs

▪ Maintain eye contact

▪ Match body language to your message

▪ Overcome resistance ▪ Reduce words that weaken your message (e.g. “I’m sorry,” “Yes, but…” “you

don’t understand…” etc.

▪ Sensory acuity – pay attention to how others react to you and your messages

▪ Tackle difficult questions

▪ Walk the walk; don’t just talk the talk



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Those we wish to influence

Those we want to influence with our ideas fall into the following types:

▪ Are actively supportive

▪ Are unable to say what they need

▪ Consider it the wrong time

▪ Covertly disagree

▪ Have no/lack sufficient information

▪ Need time to think it over

▪ Must refer the decision to others

▪ Openly disagree

▪ Reluctantly comply

▪ Remain undecided

Dealing with Resistance

▪ Build rapport and a positive relationship

▪ Carefully listen to what the other person(s) is saying

▪ Carefully plan your responses beforehand

▪ Consider what would need to happen for you to be convinced?

▪ Empathise – put yourself in their shoes – see things from their perspective

▪ Ensure you have given acceptable responses to concerns, doubts and fears

▪ Observe their body language – does it contain hidden messages?

▪ Plan for potential responses and think through how you could deal with them

▪ See areas of agreement and common ground and stress them – minimise areas of

disagreement




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Top Tips for Spotting Signs of

Agreement

The following body language and behaviours may be a signal that the other person(s)

may be about to agree and decide in your favour:

▪ Asking for more information

▪ Asking questions such as: “What if we…?” ‘Supposing…”

▪ Checking follow-up plans, support and promises/guarantees you have made

▪ Discussing details about implementation

▪ Head up with good eye contact

▪ Leaning forward, appearing involved and interested

▪ Nodding or smiling in agreement

▪ Picking up your written proposal and checking specific aspects/examples

▪ Requesting you to repeat points you have made earlier

▪ Stroking their chin thoughtfully

▪ Taking notes

▪ Upward inflection in their vocal tone



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Communication Styles Explained

Action

Consider how the words

you use to communicate

with others could be

tailored to appeal to all of

these communication

styles.




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Representational Systems

Sensory acuity (or sensory awareness) is one of the ‘pillars’ of NLP.

We use the five senses in order to take in information about the world around us and

we recreate those sensations in our mind, “re-presenting the world to ourselves using

our senses inwardly.”1

V Visual Sight

A Auditory Sound

K Kinaesthetic Touch

O Olfactory Smell

G Gustatory Taste

Understanding the representational systems can provide clues and cues that help us

recognise our own and the other person’s preferred thinking styles. They can assist us

in understanding how others view and experience the world and therefore

communicate more effectively. It is important to note that there is no ‘right’ or

‘wrong’ way of thinking.

The Visual System

This is used how we create images, pictures, daydream, visualise, imagine or fantasise

within our minds or to recall experiences.

The Auditory System

This is used to listen to music internally, talk to yourself and rehear conversations and

the voices of other people.

1 Source: NLP Workbook; Joseph O’Connor; Element



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The Kinaesthetic System

This refers to our internal and external feelings of touch and bodily awareness and our

emotions are also included in the kinaesthetic system.

The Olfactory System

This is used to remember or imagine smells.

The Gustatory System

This system is made up of remembered or created smells.

Within Western European and American culture the olfactory and gustatory systems

are less important than in other cultures.

We develop preferences for one of the representational systems over time and will

tend to use that more often. We may use the other systems and it is fully possible for

us to be more practised and comfortable in all three. The skill is to recognise, without

judging, the systems being used and to work with them.

Predicates

Predicates are the words we use that differentiate between representational systems.

If we listen carefully and note the words used by others, we can recognise their

preferred system and understand them better.

Visual Auditory Kinaesthetic Olfactory/ Gustatory

Looks good to

me

Sounds right Feels good Fresh as a daisy

Outside my

picture

Can’t hear myself

think

Heated debate Smell a rat

Seeing eye to eye Singing our tune On common

ground

A sweet person

Shed some light

on…

Clear explanation Hands on Get the flavour

Colourful show Rings bells Smooth operator Whiff of success




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Why don’t we listen?

Selective listening:

▪ Anticipating questions!

▪ Concentrate on what we think is important, what

we agree/disagree with, what we already know.

We are looking for the answer or the flaw in the

argument.

▪ Tendency for selective listening

1. Talking speed versus speed of thought:

▪ Differences in our talking speed and our thinking

speed – On average, we speak at around 125

words per minute and we think at around 500

words per minute

▪ We jump ahead before we realise - waiting for

the speaker to “Catch up!”

2. Lack of interest:

▪ How often do we listen when we are not really

interested?

▪ Our interest is based on: personal interests,

feelings towards the speaker, pre-occupation with

other matters, tiredness

3. Beliefs and attitudes:

▪ How do you feel if someone challenges your

beliefs? Often become emotionally involved,

argue, not listen....

Talks

Listens Prepares Response

Makes point

Interrupts

Person A

Person

B



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▪ We all develop our own beliefs and attitudes about ourselves, our life, others

4. Reactions to speaker:

▪ Stereotypes…often too busy criticising language, background, their dress,

their religion, their nationality etc. to listen

5. Words we hear:

▪ Becomes a competition to see how many times they use that phrase!

▪ Pet phases - e.g.. Now...Right...At the end of the day...

6. Listening expectations:

▪ Tendency to hear what our minds tell us

▪ What we hear and understand is largely shaped by our own expectations and

background

7. Physical distractions:

▪ Noise - only half listening! Something distracting outside etc.

8. Our need to speak

▪ Listen for our turn to speak, to interrupt and the need to sound or look good

● ● ●

"It's a mistake to think we

listen only with our ears. It's

much more important to

listen with the mind, the

eyes, the body and the

heart. Unless you truly want

to understand the other

person, you'll never be able

to listen."

Mark Herndon

US musician

● ● ●




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Effective and Ineffective Listening

Types of listening that limits effective

communication:

Types of listening that make us more

effective as communicators:

Listening for an opportunity to punish

Listening for letting off steam

Listening for making my point

Listening for proving I know best

Listening for telling my story

Listening for you being wrong

Listening to be right

✓ Listening for a way to build relationships

✓ Listening for a way to resolving

breakdowns

✓ Listening for a way to solve a problem

✓ Listening for new possibilities

✓ Listening for possible action

✓ Listening to try to understand

The 8 E’s of Listening

The 8 E’s will have an impact on what we are hearing or what we think we are hearing

▪ Ears – the words we hear but also tone,

accent, or the sound of someone’s voice.

▪ Ego – looking for information that we tell us

that we are right and our opinions are

validated

▪ Emotion – how we are feeling generally,

emotions carried over from previous

conversations / previous things we have

been working on that day, how we feel about

the individual we are talking to

E • Ears

E • Ego

E • Emotion

E • Environment

E • Evaluation

E • Expectation

E • Experience

E • Eyes



32


▪ Environment – how comfortable we feel e.g temperature, hunger, need

for the toilet etc. will impact our conversation

▪ Evaluation – assessing what we hear as we go along, not getting to the

end of the conversation before coming to a conclusion.

▪ Expectation – what we expect to happen from the conversation and how we

expect the person to be

▪ Experience – what we have understood, learned and/or believed before about

the topic being discussed and our own background

▪ Eyes – what we think when we see the person who is talking to us, the

assumptions that we make, things we hear through the body language we see

How to Really Listen

▪ Silent means being verbally silent – shutting up and giving the other

person time to speak and get their message across.

It is

also

about being mentally silent turning offer our

‘inside voice:’ distracting thoughts that get in the

way (e.g. evaluating what is being said; thinking

what to have for dinner tonight.)

● ● ●

“Let a fool hold his

tongue and he will pass

for a sage.”

Publilius Syrus

First Century BC

● ● ●

L.I.S.T.E.N. = S.I.L.E.N.T.




33

Top Tips for Active Listening

▪ Acknowledge feelings

▪ Ask for clarification/ask questions (if you do not

understand)

▪ Ask open questions

▪ Avoid interruptions

▪ Avoid prejudices and assumptions

▪ Concentrate deliberately on what is being said

▪ Do not react personally to emotive words

▪ Eliminate distractions, whether internal (own

concerns) or external (physical environment)

▪ Encourage the person to continue

▪ Expect to hear something useful

▪ Focus on the speaker, look at him/her

▪ Get rid of time pressures

▪ Listen for ideas that you can develop yourself or

may have to question

▪ Listen to yourself and note your own reaction to

the messages being received

▪ Listen with an open mind to understand the

message the person is trying to convey

▪ Listen with full attention to the words and tone of

the person’s voice

▪ Listen with your eyes to the body language

▪ Look for non-verbal cues/messages



34


▪ Look interested

▪ Maintain an open mind

▪ Reflect back on what you hear

▪ Sit so you can see and hear - upright, not slouched

▪ Summarise – by restating in your own language the main points the person

said to show that you have understood

▪ Take notes, even if not necessary, but do not doodle

● ● ●

“Knowledge speaks, but

wisdom listens.”

Jimi Hendrix

● ● ●




35

Top Tips for Questioning Skills

Effective questioning skills are essential to developing effective relationships,

including supervision relationships.

There is an old Irish Saying:

‘Questioning is the door of knowledge.’

Use open questions - good questions to use start with:

‘HOW MUCH/HOW MANY?’

‘TELL ME ABOUT’

‘WHAT?’

‘WHEN?’

‘WHERE?’

‘WHO?’

Useful Questions

✓ Use probing questions to gain

understanding.

✓ Use reflective questions to get your staff to

think through things for themselves

✓ Link questions – useful to move your

member of staff onto another area without

disregarding current area being discussed.

▪ ‘If you are happy with that area, I

would like to move on and discuss…

‘

▪ Scale Questions - it can be useful to

ask questions like:

● ● ●

"Freedom is not worth

having if it does not include

the freedom to make

mistakes."

Mahatma Gandhi

● ● ●

http://thinkexist.com/quotation/questioning_is_the_door_of/158601.html



36


▪ On a scale of 1-10, with 1 being not confident and 10 being very confident,

how confident do you feel in this area?’’

✓ Comparison questions – useful if you are getting conflicting messages from your

member of staff.

▪ ‘As I understood it last time we met, you said…now the situation is…Could

you please explain the difference so I am clear with what has happened.’

✓ Final question – useful to ensure your member of staff has covered

everything they want to and if not it can be addressed in the current, or a

future, meeting.

▪ ‘Is there anything else you would like to discuss that we haven’t

covered today?’

✓ Be positive and constructive, do not be aggressive or negative.

Avoid using some types of questions

Be careful when using ‘WHY?’ It can come across as negative

Closed questions e.g yes/no responses don’t allow conversations to open up.

They can however be useful to confirm details

Asking multiple questions as they can cause confusion

Avoid leading questions

‘I’m sure you agree that… ‘




37

Giving and Receiving Feedback

For most of us, feedback is an essential ingredient of learning and developing. It is important to

make your exchange constructive, so that each person's development is supported.

Guidelines for Giving Constructive Feedback

1. Be timely ✓ Give your feedback as soon as possible

✓ Give in an appropriate setting.

2. Explain importance ✓ People need to understand the context and impact

of their actions and why receiving and acting on the

feedback is important.

3. Be specific ✓ Describe specific behaviours and reactions,

particularly choose those they should keep

and those they should change. What is it that you

are looking for?

4. Be descriptive ✓ Describe what you see, hear and feel. Don't be

judgmental.

5. Describe behaviour ✓ Focus on what someone does, not their

personality. Behaviour is easier to change than

personality.

6. Be constructive ✓ Why are you giving the feedback? Don’t be

destructive or give it to make yourself feel better.

Make sure it is helpful to the receiver?

7. Own your own

feedback

✓ Speak for yourself, not for others.

8. Be future looking ✓ Focus on what can be done.

9. Exchange ✓ Ensure the person can respond and there is

dialogue

EXAMPLE 1: Judgmental, speaking for others, personality focused:

'You should not be so aggressive; it is rude, and it got everyone upset'

EXAMPLE 2: Descriptive, speaking for self, behaviour focused:

'When you interrupted me several times, I felt as though there was no point in

explaining my idea'



38


Do’s and Don’ts of Giving Feedback

Do’s Don’ts

✓ Own your statements (I liked,

I felt) Be vague or impersonal

✓ Focus on what was said or

done Make interpretations,

assumptions or inferences,

mindreading

✓ Be specific Generalise or over-complicate

✓ Be clear and concise Waffle, “wrap it up”, overload the

recipient

✓ Offer information/ideas that

the recipient can use in

his/her own way

Give advice, judge

✓ Listen to the feedback rather

than immediately reject it or

argue with it

Just be negative, but be

constructive

✓ If feedback is unclear, ask for

clarification Focus on things that cannot be

changed

Feedback Model 1

▪ Commend

▪ Recommend

▪ Commend

Ratio - Positive Feedback: Negative Feedback = 2:1




39

Feedback model 2

The Assertiveness Tree

Ensure that your feedback gives a BOOST

● ● ●

“Treat people as if they

were what they ought to

be and you help them to

become what they are

capable of being.”

Goethe

● ● ●

P• Praise

A• Ask

G• Guide

E• Encourage

B• Balanced

O• Observed

O• Owned

S• Specific

T• Timely



40


Constructive Criticism

A definition of criticism:

A statement that sets out to evaluate or analyse.

A process for giving criticism:

Guidance for Givng Criticism

As the manager, you need to:

▪ Use ’I’ statements

Speak for yourself – not others. State your feelings

and opinions clearly

⧫ “I think the presentation you gave was rushed and

lacked thorough preparation”

▪ Criticise the behavior; do not make personal

attacks

Direct your criticism at something said or done.

⧫ “When you keep interrupting others during team

meetings it gives the impression that you do not

value what they are telling you.”

▪ Explain the impact

Tell the person exactly how their behaviour

(precisely what has been done/left undone) has had

an impact the behaviour has an impact

Introduce the issueMake your critism

specific

Ask for a response

to the criticism

Seek suggestions

about changes

Summarise and

clarify suggestions

● ● ●

“Any fool can criticise,

condemn, and complain but

it takes character and self-

control to be understanding

and forgiving.”

Dale Carnegie

● ● ●

http://thinkexist.com/quotation/any_fool_can_criticize-condemn-and_complain__but/13095.html








41

“When you didn’t send out that information in the agreed

timescales, it meant that the client was left feeling confused and

angry and it gave her a bad impression about the organisation as a

whole

▪ Identify desired change

Criticism should be directed at behaviours that the person is actually

able to change in the future

⧫ In the future I want you to start work on time and to get to

the office no later than 09:45. Thank you.

The Appraisee needs to feel free to:

▪ Be involved in identifying and committing to future changes

▪ Explain the situation from their perspective

▪ Express their emotions and be listened to

▪ Give them time to express how they feel about the criticism and reassure

them. Don’t undermine their feelings

● ● ●

“Criticism may not be

agreeable, but it is

necessary. It fulfils the same

function as pain in the

human body. It calls

attention to an unhealthy

state of things.”

Winston Churchill

● ● ●

http://thinkexist.com/quotation/criticism_may_not_be_agreeable-but_it_is/219095.html









42


Understanding Conflict

A Definition of Conflict

People’s Differences Working Against Each Other. Conflict is:

▪ An inevitable part of life – a natural process wherever differences meet – it is

neither good or bad

▪ Many disputes can have a positive outcome

▪ Not necessarily bad, destructive or unproductive

▪ Part of working life – it’s how we deal with conflict that is important

▪ Possible at any level: personal, relationships, groups, the organisation and further

▪ Something that can be handled in many different ways – it doesn’t necessarily

mean there have to be winners and losers

▪ Two or more individuals/parties wanting a limited resource

A perceived legitimacy to that resource by the parties

Conflict is fuelled by:

• Interdependency of the parties – they need each other

• No gross differences in power

Conflict is inevitable in workplaces where people have different views about how to

run the organisation or business. These include differences over aims, methods,

decisions, plans, priorities, resources, and work procedures.

Conflict can exist between: • individual and individual in dispute.

• interest groups within the organisation (eg Unions and management)

• managers of one department and those of another

• members of the same department

• the individual and the organisation

• the organisation and its customers

• the organisation and its suppliers




43

Conflict is normal and potentially beneficial. Creative solutions may emerge out of

conflict can that benefit all sides.



44


Types of Conflict

Intrapersonal

Internal Conflict – when we have a conflict between our personal values, feelings and

thoughts and behaviours – e.g. wanting to give up smoking but finding ourselves

unable to do so

Interpersonal

• Age Clashes – older people/maturity vs. youth

• Clashes of belief/ideology – chauvinism vs. feminism

• Cultural Clashes – Jews vs. Arabs

• Religious Clashes – Protestants vs. Catholics

• Service–related clashes – Service-users vs. Staff

• Temperament clashes – dominant vs. shy

• Value Clashes – liberal vs. conservative

Organisational

• Executive competition for top positions and resources

• Intra and inter-company rivalry

• Management vs. union

• Sector rivalry – health vs. social services

• Service users vs. service-provider (as an organisation)

National

• Civil war

• Wealth clashes – rich vs. poor

International

• The Cold War

• War against terrorism

Other Causes of interpersonal Conflict

• Perceived differences

• Poor Communication

• Spatial relationships – e.g. some people need their own space/will find

overcrowding a source of conflict

Adapted from: Falzon, M. A. (2007). Resolving Conflict Pocketbook. London: Management Pocketbooks.




45

Conflict Management Styles

Conflict is a necessary part of daily life, yet many people find it difficult to deal with

conflict.

Some people will use certain strategies for handling conflict whilst other people will

use different strategies. Often the strategies we use we learned early in life, as

children and they seem to function automatically – we may not even be aware of how

we act in conflict situations as we do so naturally. However, we do have a personal

conflict management style and, because it was learned, we can change it by learning

and developing new and more effective ways of managing conflict in our lives.

Adapted from: Thomas-Kilmann Conflict MODE Instrument (Mountain View, CA: Xicom and CPP, Inc., 1974)

We have to main concerns when we are involved in conflict:

■ Achieving our personal goals

■ Maintaining a positive relationship with the other person.

These two concerns and how important we view them will influence our conflict

management style:



46


Accommodate (The Teddy Bear)

Relationships are of great importance to teddy bears and they want to be liked and

accepted by others.

Their own goals are of little importance and will sacrifice their personal goals to

preserve relationships as they place harmony above all other things. They think

conflict should be avoided and believe that conflicts cannot be discussed by people

without damaging relationships. They fear that if conflict is allowed to continue,

someone will get hurt and the relationship will be ruined. They Teddy Bear will try to

smooth over any conflict out of fear of harming their relationships.

Avoiding (The Turtle)

Turtles withdraw into their shells in order to avoid conflict - ignore the conflict in the

hope that it will go away.

They give up their personal goals and relationships and stay away from the issues over

which the conflict is taking place and from the people with whom they are in conflict.

They feel helpless and believe there is no point or hope in trying to resolve conflicts. It

is easier to withdraw and avoid (physically and psychologically) from a conflict than to

face it.

Compete (The Shark)

Sharks try to overpower opponents by forcing them to accept their solution to a

conflict.

Relationships and the needs of others are of minor importance or concern to sharks.

Rather, they seek to achieve their own goals at all costs as they consider them to be

much more important. The shark’s view is that conflicts are resolved by one side

losing and the other winning and Sharks always want to be the winner as this gives

them a sense of achievement and pride. They will do their best to win by attacking,

intimidating, overwhelming and overpowering others.




47

Compromise (The Fox)

The fox is moderately concerned with their relationships with others and their own

goals.

Foxes seek to give up part of their goals and persuade the other person to give up part

of theirs – a compromise. During a conflict they will seek the middle ground between

highly polarized views. In order to find an agreement they are willing to sacrifice their

own goals and relationships for the common good.

Collaborate (The Owl)

Owls value their relationships and goals highly.

They see conflict as a problem to be faced and solved and they seek a salutation that

achieves their own goals and the goals of the other person. They will face the conflict,

draw people’s attention to it, surface the issues and resolve them in a win/win way by

using a systematic problem solving approach. Owls see conflicts as a way of improving

relationships by reducing tension, maintaining the relationship through considering

resolutions that will satisfy both the other side and themselves. Owls are not satisfied

until a solution is found and the tensions and negative feelings have been resolved.

Conflict Coping Strategies

Conflict

Coping

Strategies

Intellectualising

Regression

Minimising

Fantasy

Fixation

Denial

Repression

Projection

DIsplacement



48


Conflict: Is it Negative of Positive?

The Negative View of Conflict

When we perceive conflict negatively, we tend to see it as a threat. Our unthinking

reactions are instinctive and emotional: to attack the reasons for the conflict or avoid

facing up to them.

Some common negative reactions to conflict include:

• "It's their fault, not mine..."

• "If I ignore it, it might go away."

• "It's best not to get involved."

• "If we stick our nose in, someone will get hurt."

• "We'll just argue and argue over who said what, when and to whom."

• "I can't let them win."

• "Let them get on with it."

The Positive View of Conflict

When we perceive conflict positively we tend to see it as an opportunity. Most

successful advances in business occur when two sides with different interests put

their heads together to work out a new way forward. Positive views of conflict are

rational and non-emotive.

Some of the rational ways in which we might look at conflict positively include:

• many differences can't be settled quickly, but the differences themselves produce

a valuable creative tension

• when two different forces come together, the result can be more than a sum of

the parts. This is the principle of synergy.

• when people are in disagreement this is a positive sign that they care and want

things to improve

• those against us are still part of us: having differences is like a family discussion.




49

Seven steps to handling conflict

Step 1

Ask the question “What is

going on here?”

▪ i.e. What is the nature and reason for the

differences – facts, information, perception, goals,

methods, roles, values etc.

Step 2

Consider what personal

factors are present

▪ I.e. communication styles and patterns; attitudes and

prejudices, assumptions and perceptions;

personalities - pessimistic/optimistic; cautious/risk-

taking; reactive/reflective; direct/indirect;

rambling/articulate; planned/spontaneous.

Step 3

Ask – what are the possible

outcomes at this stage?

▪ i.e. who else is affected and how - colleagues,

staff/volunteers, partners, supporters, users. Who

wins/loses what? What are the organisational

consequences?

Step 4

Consider – who else might

help resolve this conflict

▪ i.e. are there other parties who should be brought in;

is a mediator or facilitator needed; is an ‘expert’

needed; is a policy maker needed.

Step 5

Consider urgency and

importance – when and

where to handle this

▪ i.e. is there an appropriate forum to ‘handle’ this; is

there a deadline influencing when the conflict needs

to be resolved by in order for mutually beneficial

outcomes; can the situation be ‘let go’/ignored

without recurring incident or consequence.

Step 6

Decide what can be done

next – an initial response –

consider the possible

outcomes of this action

▪ i.e. clarify facts/open discussion – removes

assumptions and perceptions; change own behaviour

- influences others’ behaviour; mutually review goals,

roles, perceptions – mutual understanding; clarify

policies/procedures – allows room for

acknowledgement/change; training/coaching –

opportunity to learn and avoid repetition.

Step 7

Take action - aiming for

win/win outcomes

▪ i.e. What specific action needs to be taken; how and

when will this happen; what useful words or phrases

or approaches might be useful; who will be involved

in this



50


Useful Resources

Adair, J. (1996). Effective Motivation. Pan Books.

Adair, J. (1997). Effective Communication. Pan Books.

Allcock Tyler, D. (2006). It's Tough at the Top - The No-fibbing Guide to Leadership. Directory of Social Change.

Allcock Tyler, D. (2007). The Pleasure and the Pain - The No-fibbing Guide to Working with People. Directory of

Social Change.

Blanchard, K. (2007). Leading at a Higher Level. Pearson Eduction Limited.

Blanchard, K. H. (2000). Leadership and the One Minute Manager. Harper Collins.

Charvet, S. R. (2010). Words That Change Minds: Mastering the Language of Influence. Kendall/Hunt Publishing

Compan.

Covey, S. (1989). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

Gallwey, W. T. (2003). The Inner Game of Work. Texere Publishing.

Goerge, B. (2004). Authentic Leadership: Rediscovering the Secrets of Creating Lasting Value. Jossey Bass.

Goleman, D. (1996). Emotional Intelligence. Bloomsbury Publishing plc.

Goleman, D. (2002). The New Leaders - Transforming the Art of Leadership into the Science of Results. Sphere.

Jeffers, S. (2006). Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. Ballantine Books.

Johnson, S. (1998). Who Moved My Cheese? G. P. Putnam's Sons.

Landsberg, M. (2003). The Tao of Coaching. Profile Books Ltd.

Landsberg, M. (2003). The Tao of Motivation - Inspire Yourself and Others. Profile Books Ltd.

Landsberg, M. (2003). The Tools of Leadership. Profile Books Ltd.

Leary-Joyce. (2007). Inpirational Manager - How to Build Relationships that Deliver Results. Pearson Education

Limited.

Leibling, M. (2010). How People Tick - A Guide to Over 50 types of difficult people and how to handle them. Kogan

Page Ltd.

Leigh, A. (2008). The Charisma Effect - How to Make a Powerful and Lasting Impression. London, UK: Pearson

Education Limited.

Leigh, A. a. (2002). Leading Your Team - How to Involve and Inspire People. Nicholas Brealey Publishing.

Lloyd, M. a. (2007). Leadership 101. Directory of Social Change.

Lundin, S. C., & Onken Jr and Burrows, H. (2000). Fish! A Remarkable Way to Boost Morale and Improve Results.

Hyperion.

Maguire, S. (2008). Core Coaching - Coaching for Great Performance at Work. Directory of Social Change.

Mandela, N. (2001). The Illustrated Walk to Freedom.

Owen, J. (2010). The Leadership Skills Handbook. Kogan Page.

Pardey, D. (2007). Introducing Leadership. Butterworth-Heinemann.

Posner, K. a. (2008). The Leadership Challenge. Jossey-Bass.

Smart, J. (2003). Real Coaching and Feedback - How to Help People Improve Their Performance. Pearson

Education Limited.




51

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● ● ●

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● ● ●


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Documents

Communicating to Influence€¦ · giving and receiving feedback ... do’s and don’ts of giving feedback ... i demonstrate that i listen by giving full attention reflecting data