ColoradoJournal2016

Acompilationofquotesfrom“WildatHeart”,photos,andjournalingIdidduringourelkhuntingtripSeptember6–17,2016.

Journal9.11.16Granthadhisfirstcloseencounterwithabullelkthismorning.Hewashuntingoutofatentblindandtheelkcamewithin20yards.Grantsaidhewassoclosehecouldhearhimbreathe.Grantnevergotanopenshotandthebullboundedoffafteracow.Grantwondersifhewasaspreparedasheneededtobe–thatmaybehecouldhavemadetheshotifhehaddonesomethingdifferently.Iamgratefulfortheopportunityhehadtocomefacetofacewithsuchamagnificentanimalwithonlyabowandarrow.

“Aman’slifebecomesanadventure,thewholethingtakesonatranscendentpurposewhenhereleasescontrolinexchangefortherecoveryofthedreamsinhisheart.”“Don’taskyourselfwhattheworldneeds.Askyourselfwhatmakesyoucomealive,anddothat,becausewhattheworldneedsispeoplewhohavecomealive.”-GilBailie

IamwritingfromagroundblindIpiecedtogetherthismorning.IhaveyettoseeanelkalthoughKenhasseenfour;hesitsaboutaquartermileawayfromme–Kenny(hisson)isfartherdownyet.Therearetenofusinthishuntingparty–sixguysfromMichigan,threeofusfromSouthCarolina,andonefromNorthCarolina.Wehavebeenplanningthistripforoverayear–itis,byfar,themostexpensivehuntingtripIhaveeverbeenon.ItisalsodoublingasGrant’sseniortrip–yes,hegraduateshighschoolinabouttenmonths.Hewillturn18inMayandenterintoanewstageofmanhood.Iturn50inMayandenteranewstageoflifeaswell–anditisduringthequietandsolitudeofthistripthatIamseekingcluesastowhatthisnextseasonsignifies–whatarethefocalpointsduringmyfifthdecadeonthisplanet?TheplacewhereIamlookingforthoseclues?Myownheart.Ibelievevitalcluesarelockedawaywithinmyheart.IfIcanfindmyheartandlookdeeplywithinitIfeelthatIwillknowwhattodo.ThispursuitofmyhearthasbeeninspiredbymythirdreadingofWildatHeartbyJohnEldredge.TheopeningparagraphissetinthemountainsofColoradoinpursuitofelk.Hecomparesthehunter’spursuitoftheelusiveelkamongtheruggedRockyMountainstohispursuit–andeveryman’spursuit–oftheirownheart.

“It’snotaquestion–it’sthequestion,theoneeveryboyandmanislongingtoask.DoIhavewhatittakes?AmIpowerful?Untilamanknowshe’samanhewillforeverbetryingtoproveheisone,whileatthesametimeshrinkfromanythingthatmightrevealheisnot.Mostmenlivetheirliveshauntedbythequestion,orcrippledbytheanswerthey’vebeengiven.”

JohnbelievestherearethreemythiclongingsintheheartofeverymancreatedinGod’simage:

1. Anadventuretoembarkupon–aquest2. Anenemytodefeat–seeingmyselfasawarriorpreparedforbattle3. Abeautytorescue–thewomanIfightforandwhojoinsmeonmyquest

Wepulledoutofthedrivewayat9:30p.m.onTuesday,September16forour32-hourjourneytowesternColorado.Dreamingofanopportunitytohuntbullelkfromwithin50yards,andthroughthelensofpursuingmyheart,thesearetheobservationsIhavemadethusfar:

1. ElklivewheretheairisthinElkliveinmountains.ForahunterlikemewholivesatsealevelthismeansIhavetoadjusttoan8,500’riseinaltitude.Andsofarthisthinairistotallykickingmybutt!Ihikeabout30–60minuteseachday(twicetoday)togettomystand.Thehiketothestandismostlyuphillandsteepinafewplaces.Andhonestly,Iampanting,myheartpounding,thesweatdripping,andthemusclesinthebackofmylegsburningeverytime.It’snotthatdifficultofahike!Iamindecentshape!But,at8,500’Ifeelweak.TheytellmemybodywilladjusteventuallyandIwillfeelstrongeragain–buttochaseelkIneedtoexerttheefforttobreathethesameairtheybreathe.Honestly,itwouldbemucheasiertohuntdeerinSouthCarolinaorMichigan–butifIwanttohuntelkIneedtoliterallyclimbthesemountainsandbreathethesameair.

2. YouhavetobehealthytohuntelkIcaughtacoldacoupleofdaysbeforeheadingwest,andthisillnesshasmadehuntingmuchmoredifficult.Forstarters,Ifeellikecrapmostofthetime.Iamnotbreathingwell,whichmeansIamnotsleepingwell.IhaveapersistentcoughthatIcan’tshake(evenwhensittinginthestand–whichdoesn’thelpmychancesofseeingelk!).IamdoingeverythingIcantospeedthiscoldalong,butit’sgoingtotakerestandtime(thetwothingsIdon’thavetospareonthistrip!)ThecoldvirusIbroughtwithmemakesachallengingquestallthemoredifficult.And,Icouldspreadthevirustoothers,whichwouldhindertheirabilitytohunt.Goodhealthisthefoundationfor…Thatlastsentencewasinterruptedbyrain(youcanseethedropletssmearingtheinkinmyjournal).WhenIlookedaroundInoticedthattheskywasdarkeningandthewindpickingup.Iwillbehonest,myonethoughtwas“Idonotwanttogetstuckonthismountainifitrains!”IpackedupimmediatelyandhikedbacktothetrailanddecidedtoleavethejeepforKenandKennysothatdon’thavetomakethelongwalkbackinthedarkafter15hoursofhuntingtonight.

AsIwalkedbacktheskyclearedandthesuncamebackout–somyanxietysubsidedfortheothers.Asforme,IwashappytobecomingbackbecauseIwantedtocleanup,shave,getasnack,anddosomewriting.IfnotfortherainIwouldhavestayedoutuntildark–mostlynottodisappointGrantandKen(Idon’twantthemtothinkwecameallthiswayandspentallthismoneyandmyheartisn’tintothehunting).EventhoughIdon’twantmyhuntingbuddiestothinkmyheartisn’tfullyintothehunting–it’snot.Iliketohunt,Ienjoyitundercertainconditions–butisitatop10passion?Nope–notanymore.Fifteenyearsagoitwasatop5passionforme,butnotnow.(Bytheway,whydoIcaresomuchaboutproppingupmyhe-manhuntingimage?What’sthatallabout?)

Huntingnow,andthistripinparticular,isfirstandforemostanopportunitytobuildstrongerrelationshipswiththemenIcaremostabout–andGrantis#1onthatlist.WouldIliketokillanelk–heckya!WouldIloveforGranttogetanelk–verymuchso.But,whetherornoteitherofusharvestsanelkthistripisbringingusclosertogetherandwillgiveussomethingtotalkaboutfortherestofourlives.ThesecondreasonIwanttokeephunting?WhatIamexperiencingrightnow–solitudeinGod’screation.MountainssurroundmeasIsitoutsideourcabinwritingthesewords.Thepeakstomyleftswellover10,000’.Theyaremajesticandstrong–justliketheGodwhocreatedthem.WhenIhuntIexperiencequiet,IhavetherareopportunitytobestillandknowthatheisGod.

“…afteryearsoflivinginacage,alionnolongerevenbelievesitisalion…andamannolongerbelievesheisaman.”“Thisiseveryman’sdeepestfear:tobeexposed,tobefoundout,tobediscoveredasanimposter,andnotreallyaman.”

Abonusonthistrip?Nocellservice,nointernet,andnointerruptions.Theonlywaysomeonecancontactmewouldbetocallanemergencynumber,radioamessagetotheoutfitter,andthenhewouldcomefindme.Andunlesssomeonediesthatain’tgonnahappen!Thishuntingtripboughtme9daysoftruequiet.Wedidn’tjusttraveltoColorado;wetraveledtothedarksideofthemoon.Andhowmuchisthatworth?Therealizationsthathitmeonthewalkbacktoday?

• IlikehuntingandtrulyappreciatethebenefitsIjustmentioned• But,Ilovewriting.Writingisprobablyatop5passion

OtherobservationsImaywanttofurtherexplore:

3. HuntingelkisagroupeffortHuntinganelk(findingmyheart)involvesaskingothermentohelpme.BJscoutstheelk,clearsthetrails,setsupthestands,andpackstheelkoffthemountainbymule.TimParkerinvitedusintothisgroup.Kenhadthetruckandthegear.Danaloaneduswhatwedidn’thave.MikeandRayhavetheexperience.Ifwegetanelkthisweekit’sonlybecausesomanyothermensteppedintohelp.

4. BowhuntingisupcloseandpersonalTheonlywaytokillanelkwithabowistogetclose.Andgettingclosetoanelktakesalotofplanning,work,andexperience(andprobablyabitofluck).Thereare100differentwaystospookanelk,butonlyafewwaystobringhimclose.

“Everyboy,inhisjourneytobecomeaman,takesanarrowinthecenterofhisheart,intheplaceofhisstrength.Becausethewoundisrarelydiscussedandevenmorerarelyhealed,everymancarriesawound.Andthewoundisnearlyalwaysgivenbyhisfather.”

“Wheredoesamango…tolearnhistruename,anamethatcanneverbetakenfromhim?Thatdeepheartknowledgecomesonlythroughaprocessofinitiation.Youhavetoknowwhereyou’vecomefrom,youhavetohavefacedaseriesoftrialsthattestyou,youhavetohavetakenajourney,andyouhavetohavefacedyourenemy.”

5. ChooseyourguidecarefullySomeguidescan’tbetrustedandshouldn’tbefollowed(neverfollowmeinthewoodsunlessIhaveaGPS–Ihavezerosenseofdirection!)Grantdidn’tgettohuntlastnightbecausetheguytakinghimtothestandgotlost–theywalkedincirclesforhours.

6. NavigatingthemountainsisverytrickyIt’ssoeasytoloseyourwaysearchingforyourheart.WalkingbackbymyselfthismorningItookawrongturn.IfnotformyGPSIcouldhavebeenintrouble.WhenItravelwithasmallgroupofhuntersweseldomloseourway.

7. GettingenoughwaterandcaloriesisreallyimportantIamexpendingalotofenergychasingtheseelkandIfeelhungryallthetime.Mybodyrequiresmorecalories(andtherightkind)andIamalsodrinkingalotofwater.(TheriskofdehydrationisveryrealandifIsuccumbtodehydrationthehuntisover.)

“EvewascreatedwithinthelushbeautyofEden’sgarden.ButAdam,ifyou’llremember,wascreatedoutsidetheGarden,inthewilderness.”“Thecoreofaman’sheartisundomesticatedandthatisgood.”“Desirerevealsdesign,anddesignrevealsdestiny.”

8. SacrificerequiredFamilyandfriendssacrificeforeachothertoharvestanelk.ImadesureGrantwasputintothebeststand.Igotupat4a.m.thismorningeventhoughIfeltveryroughbecauseIthoughtKenneededhelpquarteringhiselk.KengavemehisstandyesterdaybecauseheknewIwasstrugglingwiththealtitude(thestandhehuntedwasafartherwalk,uphill).WhohasGodbroughtintomylifethatheisaskingmetosacrificeforastheysearchoutthemasculineheart?WhodoIlooktoforhelp?

9. TimingiseverythingItturnsoutthattherutislatethisyear–whichmeanswearen’tseeingorhearingasmanyelk.Thereistimingtoelkhuntingthatisoutofyourcontrol.Youmakeyourbestguessandgoforit–butifthetimingisoffit’sgoingtobetough.

10. TheproblemwithtunnelvisionThereisabeautyinthepursuitofelkthatcanbemissedifyouhavetunnelvisionongettinganelk.Harvestinganelkisagoal–butnottheonlygoal.Infact,notevenmyprimarygoal.GrantandIarechasingthemtogether–exploring,experimenting,strategizing.Wesattogetherforseveralhoursyesterdayandwillhunttogethertherestofthistrip.Thisisthetruewinforme,andIbelieveforhimalso.

“Masculinityisbestowed.”“Femininitycanneverbestowmasculinity.”“Theancientsocietiesbelievedthataboybecomesamanonlythroughritualandeffort–onlythroughthe‘activeinterventionoftheoldermen,’”Blyremindsus.

11. SufferingispartofthejourneyWehikedintherainyesterday–andthensatfortwohourstohunt.Wegotverycold.Itfeltsogoodtomakeitbacktothelodgeandeathotfood.Sufferingsharedforgesabrotherhoodandmultipliesthejoywhenthroughperseveranceweovercome.

12. TherearenoshortcutswhenitcomestorestIslept12hourstwonightsago.Iwantedtochaseelk,butIneededtorestandrecoverfromthiscold.IhaveneededmorerestthanI’vewantedthisweek–butmybestchancetogetanelkwillcomewithsufficientrestandgoodhealth.

WhatpassionsareinmyheartthatGodwantsmetoliveandleadfrom?

1. Avibrant,Christ-centeredministrypartnershipandloveaffairwithSandi.WalkingcloselywithChrist,leadingspiritually,andintimacywithSandihavealwaysbeenapackagedeal(andIhavea30-yeartrackrecordtoproveit).

2. WritingaboutthewayGod’sgraceintersectsmylifeandsharingitwithothersredemptivelyinaconfessionalandinvitationalstyle.

3. Helpingourchildrentowalkinthetruthandequippingandencouragingthemtogrowintokingdomleaders.

4. Tolivenearacollegecampusanddevelopmentoringrelationshipsthatempowerstudentsandfacultyanchoredbyaleadershiproleatalocalchurch.

5. OwningaJeepthatwecancruisearoundtowninandtakeonadventures.

“Godisfiercelycommittedtoyou,totherestorationandreleaseofyourmasculineheart.Butawoundthatgoesunacknowledgedandunweptisawoundthatcannotheal.Awoundyou’veembracedisawoundthatcannotheal.Awoundyouthinkyoudeservedisawoundthatcannotheal.”

Vaguerumblingsinclude:

• Somethingtodowiththestudyandteachingofliterature.Mr.Boyer,Dr.Kigar,andmovieslikeDeadPoetsSocietyspeaktosomethingdeepinmyheartthatIhaveneverfullyexplored.

• Beauty-art.ItwasmyloveofartandmydesiretobeholdbeautythattookmetoEuropeat20.AsateenagerIwrotealotofamateurpoetry-mostofitwasquiteawful.Iyearntobeholdandcreatesomethingtrulybeautiful,butwhatmedium?Writing?Photography?Both?Somethingnew?

• Traveltoexperiencetheculturesandhistoriesofwesterncivilization-allthewaybackthroughmedievalEuropetofirstcenturyRomeandIsrael.

Journal9.15.16AsIsatwithGrantintheblindlastnightIwasremindedofotherparallelsbetweenhuntingelkandhuntingforwhatGodhasplacedinmyheartasamanbearinghisimage.

• Sometimesweconfusethecriesofourheartsforanimitation.ThefistnightonthestandIheardacowmooing(amoo-cow,notafemaleelk).BecauseIhaveneverheardarealelkbugleorcallbeforeIthoughtthemoo-cowwasanelk.Itmadeforafewminutesofexcitement,butintheendIfeltfoolish.WasItheonlyoneincampwhodidn’tknowwhatarealelksoundedlike?AcoupleofnightsagoIheardwhatIwascertaintobeabullelkbugling.Itwasnomoo-cow!AsIwaitedforthegianttoemergefromtheaspenIheardvoices.Twomenfromourhuntingpartywerewalkingdownthetrail–theyweretheones

“Lifeisnotaproblemtobesolved,itisanadventuretobelived.That’sthenatureofitandhasbeensincethebeginningwhenGodsetthedangerousstageforthishigh-stakesdramaandcalledthewholewildenterprisegood.”

bugling.They,ofcourse,weren’telk,buttheywereintentionallyimitatingelk.Iwasfooledagain.Thequestionremains–whatarethedistinctvocalizationsofmyheart?HowdoIknowwhenit’stherealthing?

• Elkhavepredators.Talkingwiththeoutfittertodaywelearnedthatmountainlionsroamtheareaandonoccasiontakedownanelk.Ifoundithardtobelieve,butthesecatscanhuntandkilladultelk.Whenelkpickupthescentofamountainlion,theymoveoutofthearea(theyhidefromthethreat).

Therearepredatorsthatsendmyheartintoapanicandscurryingofftohide.Whatarethey?TheguiltIfeel,orthefearIhaveoffeelingit,whenImightletthewomaninmylifedown.IhavelookedformasculinityfrommymomandthenSandi.IbelievedifIcouldcomethroughforthemandplaytheheroIwouldhaveearnedmyplaceatthemen’stable.Therewasnomaninmylife(untilIwasfifteen)toshowmewhatamanwasandtoanswerthequestionforme:“DoIhavewhatittakestobeaman?AmIcapable?DoIhavepowertoeffectchangeinthisworld?”

“Theymaybemisplaced,forgotten,ormisdirected,butintheheartofeverymanisadesperatedesireforabattletofight,andadventuretolive,andabeautytorescue.”“Itisfearthatkeepsamanathomewherethingsareneatandorderlyandunderhiscontrol.”“TheplacewhereGodcallsyouistheplacewhereyourdeepgladnessandtheworld’sdeephungermeet.”–FrederickBuechner

So,formanyyearsIhavelookedtoSanditoprovidethisaffirmation.Whenourmarriagebeganbreakingdownabout12yearsagoIrealizedshecouldn’tgivemewhatIneeded(Icouldn’tbetheheroforher),andIresentedherforit.DoIstillhaveatraceofresentmentinmyheartforher?Gutanswer?Probably.ThereareprobablystillexpectationsIhaveofSandibeingwildlyhappyandcontentfromwhichIderiveasenseoffulfillment.Sandisnotalwayscontented–stuffhappens,thingsbotherherandshefeelscompelledtotalkaboutthemwithme.Ourpersonalitiesandcommunicationpatternswoundmetimeandagaininmyplaceofwoundedness.IbelievethatGodismakingasurgicalstrike.Willgodlysorrowleadmetorepentanceandlife?Anotherpredatorthatcomestomindisfeelingtrapped–stuck.AsaboyIoftenfelttrappedinalose/losescenariowithmyfamily.Staytogetherandexperiencetheconstantfightinganddrunkenrages.LeaveandloseanychanceofevergettingwhatImostwantedfrommyfather–anidentityandsenseofbelongingandpowerinaman’sworld.ThetwothingsIhatedmostaboutmychildhood:

1. Feelingtrappedinthesoul-grinding,hope-destroyingcycleofaddiction2. Feelingoutofcontrol.Iknewthatthenextexplosionwasjustaroundthe

cornerbutIlackedtheabilitytoforestallorpreventit.Laterthatday…IamsittingintheblindforourfinalhuntandGrantisinastandabout100yardsaway.Weleavearound4amtomorrowmorningfortheverylongridehome.IhavebeentalkingwithGodtonight,andthisiswhatI’mhearing…AsIlookmorecloselyintomyheartIrealizefearandstresshavecrowdedoutmuchofgoodthatGodhasplacedthere.IhavebeensoworriedandstressedaboutparentingchallengesandfinancesoverthepastfewyearsthatIjusthaven'thadmuchenergyordesiretopursueintimacywithGod.Ihavefeltmorelikeamachinethanabelovedson.Somuchjuggling,somanyplatestokeepspinning,andsolittlejoy…Iconfessedmylackoftrustandmyattemptstocarrytheseburdensmyselfassin-andIaskedGodtoforgivemeandtoleadme(byhiskindness)torepentanceandlife.

IalsoaskedGodtosearchmyheartforanyseedofresentmentImaybeholdingontotowardmymomorSandi.Myattemptsatfindingsatisfactionandsignificancethroughrescuingthemandplayingtheherofailed-andIwentthroughaseasonofresentingthemfortheirapparentinabilitytobehappyandcontentenoughthroughwhatIprovided(yes-absolutelycrazy,Iknow).Myidolatryofthemrequiredtheiridolatryofme.

OthergreatquotesfromWildatHeart…“Somanymenmakethemistakeofthinkingthatthewomanistheadventure.Butthatiswheretherelationshipimmediatelygoesdownhill.Awomandoesn’twanttobetheadventure;shewantstobecaughtupintosomethinggreaterthanherself.”“Thisiswhysomanymensecretlyfeartheirwives.Sheseeshimasnooneelsedoes,sleepswithhim,knowswhathe’smadeof.Ifhehasgivenherthepowertovalidatehimasaman,thenhehasalsogivenherthepowertoinvalidatehim.”“WhatIamsayingisthatthemasculinejourneyalwaystakesamanawayfromthewoman,inorderthathemaycomebacktoherwithhisquestionanswered.Amandoesnotgotoawomantogethisstrength,hegoestohertoofferit.”“Womenareoftenattractedtothewildersideofaman,butoncehavingcaughthimtheysettledowntothetaskofdomesticatinghim.Ironically,ifhegivesinhe’llresentherforit,andsheinturnwillwonderwherethepassionhasgone.”

“Adventure,withallitsrequisitedangerandwildness,isadeeplyspirituallongingwrittenintothesoulofman.Themasculineheartneedsaplacewherenothingisprefabricated,modular,nonfat,ziplock,franchised,on-line,microwaveable.Wheretherearenodeadlines,cellphones,orcommitteemeetings.Wherethereisroomforthesoul.Where,finally,thegeographyarounduscorrespondstothegeographyofthesoul.”

“Thenumberoneproblembetweenmenandtheirwomenisthatwemen,whenaskedtotrulyfightforher…hesitate.Wearestillseekingtosaveourselves,wehaveforgottenthedeeppleasureofspillingourlifeforanother.”“Mostmen,yousee,marryforsafety;theychooseawomanwhowillmakethemfeellikeamanbutneverreallychallengethemtobeone.”“Whydon’tmenofferwhattheyhavetotheirwomen?Becauseweknowdowninourgutsthatitwon’tbeenough.ThereisanemptinesstoEveaftertheFall,andnomatterhowmuchyoupourintohershewillneverbefilled.Thisiswheremanymenfalter.Eithertheyrefusetogivewhattheycan,ortheykeeppouringintoherandallthewhilefeellikeafailurebecausesheisstillneedingmore.”“Whatmakespornographysoaddictiveisthatmorethananythingelseinalostman’slife,itmakeshimfeellikeamanwithoutrequiringathingofhim.Thelessaguyfeelslikearealmaninthepresenceofrealwomen,themorevulnerableheistoporn.”“Thosearethetwobasicoptions.Meneitherovercompensatefortheirwoundandbecomedriven(violentmen),ortheyshrinkbackandgopassive(retreatingmen).”“Thetruetestofaman,thebeginningofhisredemption,actuallystartswhenhecannolongerrelyonwhathe’susedallhislife.Therealjourneybeginswhenthefalseselffails.”“Whenyoulookatthestructureofthefalseselfmentendtocreate,italwaysrevolvesaroundtwothemes:seizinguponsomesortofcompetenceandrejectinganythingthatcannotbecontrolled.”