CHILDREN AND CHILDREN AND DIVORCEDIVORCE

Zaid B. Malik, MDZaid B. Malik, MDAsst. Residency Training DirectorAsst. Residency Training Director

Medical Director, PYAMedical Director, PYADirector C&L Service, ACHDirector C&L Service, ACH

INTRODUCTION INTRODUCTION

Recent demographic trends indicate Recent demographic trends indicate that approximately one-half of that approximately one-half of marriages in the United States end marriages in the United States end in divorce, with increasing numbers in divorce, with increasing numbers of children living with an unmarried of children living with an unmarried or single parent .or single parent .

Approximately one-third of American Approximately one-third of American children will experience significant children will experience significant family instability and grow up living family instability and grow up living with only one parent, especially if with only one parent, especially if they are poor and minority children they are poor and minority children

The Impact of Divorce on The Impact of Divorce on Children Children

While some parents may think or While some parents may think or hope that their conflicting or hope that their conflicting or untoward behavior may have little untoward behavior may have little impact on the child, our clinical impact on the child, our clinical experience with these children experience with these children reveals the heartfelt sensitivity and reveals the heartfelt sensitivity and anguish that the child may feel. anguish that the child may feel.

Example Example

one 5-year-old boy when discussing with one 5-year-old boy when discussing with the child custody evaluator his the child custody evaluator his experience in his family, apprehensively experience in his family, apprehensively stated, “My parents are having a tug of stated, “My parents are having a tug of war and I am the rope.” An 8-year-old war and I am the rope.” An 8-year-old girl, after overhearing part of her girl, after overhearing part of her mother's angry telephone exchange with mother's angry telephone exchange with her father, anxiously asked her mother, her father, anxiously asked her mother, “Do you hate the part of me that is “Do you hate the part of me that is Daddy?” Daddy?”

Psychological risk to be at Psychological risk to be at approximately two times greater for approximately two times greater for children of divorce families as children of divorce families as compared to children from intact compared to children from intact families.families.

About 10% of children in married About 10% of children in married families had serious psychological and families had serious psychological and social problems compared to 20–25% social problems compared to 20–25% of children from divorced families of children from divorced families

Short- and long-term Short- and long-term effects of divorce on effects of divorce on

children children The initial period of separation is The initial period of separation is

immensely stressful for the majority immensely stressful for the majority of children and adolescents, partially of children and adolescents, partially due to the fact that most children due to the fact that most children are uninformed by their parents are uninformed by their parents about the separation or divorce about the separation or divorce

A large number of children are A large number of children are unprepared for their parents' unprepared for their parents' separation and react with an acute, separation and react with an acute, intense sense of shock, disbelief, intense sense of shock, disbelief, distress, sorrow, anxiety, and anger distress, sorrow, anxiety, and anger

Developmental factors Developmental factors

Preschool children :can experience regression, Preschool children :can experience regression, intensified anxiety, fears and neediness, sleep intensified anxiety, fears and neediness, sleep disturbances, and increased aggression. disturbances, and increased aggression.

Middle school–aged children: may experience Middle school–aged children: may experience anxiety, loneliness, and a sense of anxiety, loneliness, and a sense of powerlessness. They may also struggle with powerlessness. They may also struggle with feelings of responsibility for the divorce, feelings of responsibility for the divorce, conflicts of loyalty between the parents, and conflicts of loyalty between the parents, and have fantasies of reconciliation. Their school have fantasies of reconciliation. Their school performance and peer relationships may also performance and peer relationships may also be negatively affected. be negatively affected.

Adolescents: may experience acute Adolescents: may experience acute depression, intense anger, and depression, intense anger, and anxiety about their own future anxiety about their own future relationships. They may also relationships. They may also withdraw socially and accelerate withdraw socially and accelerate their separation and individuation their separation and individuation process from the family. process from the family.

Important To Remember:Important To Remember:

This acute response diminishes or This acute response diminishes or disappears over a period of 1 to 2 disappears over a period of 1 to 2 years.years.

Interestingly, the initial responses Interestingly, the initial responses of children do not necessarily of children do not necessarily predict the longer term predict the longer term consequences for psychosocial consequences for psychosocial adjustment . adjustment .

Longer term Longer term consequences consequences

Children of divorce are significantly Children of divorce are significantly more likely to have externalizing more likely to have externalizing problems such as conduct disorder problems such as conduct disorder and antisocial behaviors, relationship and antisocial behaviors, relationship problems with peers, parents and problems with peers, parents and authority figures, academic authority figures, academic problems, and internalizing problems, and internalizing symptoms such as depression, symptoms such as depression, anxiety, and low self–esteem anxiety, and low self–esteem

Other potentially long-term negative Other potentially long-term negative effects of divorce include a significant effects of divorce include a significant decline in the economic stability of their decline in the economic stability of their family and the loss of important family and the loss of important relationships with close friends and relationships with close friends and extended family members, including extended family members, including nonresident parents, who are typically nonresident parents, who are typically the fathers. As young adults, these the fathers. As young adults, these children are at risk for weaker marital children are at risk for weaker marital relationships, earlier pregnancies and relationships, earlier pregnancies and lower socioeconomic attainment lower socioeconomic attainment

The psychological impact of the The psychological impact of the divorce on any individual child is divorce on any individual child is dependent on a number of risk and dependent on a number of risk and protective factors protective factors

High levels of interparental conflictHigh levels of interparental conflict— whether in the conflict of the — whether in the conflict of the marriage or in high conflict divorce marriage or in high conflict divorce situations— appear to have an situations— appear to have an especially negative influence on the especially negative influence on the psychological adjustment of children psychological adjustment of children

Protective factors include a good Protective factors include a good relationship with at least one parent relationship with at least one parent or caregiver, parental warmth, and or caregiver, parental warmth, and the support of siblings and peers the support of siblings and peers

Interparental conflict, the Interparental conflict, the psychological health of the parents, psychological health of the parents, and the quality of the parent–child and the quality of the parent–child relationships appear to be among relationships appear to be among the most important predictors of a the most important predictors of a child's adjustment to divorce child's adjustment to divorce

A Role for Child Psychiatry A Role for Child Psychiatry and Allied Disciplinesand Allied Disciplines

In this regard, the knowledge of how In this regard, the knowledge of how divorce affects children and parents divorce affects children and parents should be disseminated not only should be disseminated not only among mental health professionals among mental health professionals but also among other professionals but also among other professionals who work with children who work with children

Teachers, for example, need to be Teachers, for example, need to be alerted to these findings so they can alerted to these findings so they can be sensitive to any changes in be sensitive to any changes in children's behavior and offer them children's behavior and offer them and their parents support and and their parents support and counsel about ways they can cope counsel about ways they can cope with the changes in their lives.with the changes in their lives.

Psychological support for parents Psychological support for parents and children should be made and children should be made available immediately when the available immediately when the divorce proceedings begin.divorce proceedings begin.

Do's And Don'ts: Do's And Don'ts: The Do'sThe Do's ·       ·       Do love your children as much as possibleDo love your children as much as possible

Show them your love through words and actions.Show them your love through words and actions.  

·       ·       Do tell your children divorce is not their Do tell your children divorce is not their faultfaultTell your children this repeatedly, they need to hear Tell your children this repeatedly, they need to hear it more than once.it more than once.  

·       ·       Do reassure your children that they will be Do reassure your children that they will be safesafeAnd let them know both parents will continue to And let them know both parents will continue to provide for them to the best of their ability.provide for them to the best of their ability.

            Do let your children know it is okay to love Do let your children know it is okay to love both Mom and Dad as they did before the both Mom and Dad as they did before the divorcedivorceLet kids know the love they have for both parents Let kids know the love they have for both parents doesn't have to change.doesn't have to change.  

·       ·       Do support your children's relationship Do support your children's relationship with their other parent.with their other parent.Inform the other parent of special events, school Inform the other parent of special events, school functions or extracurricular activities whenever functions or extracurricular activities whenever possible.possible.  

·       ·       Do listen to your children.Do listen to your children.Honor their feelings without judging, fixing or trying Honor their feelings without judging, fixing or trying to change how they feel. Remember, your children's' to change how they feel. Remember, your children's' feelings don't have to reflect your feelingsfeelings don't have to reflect your feelings

·       ·       Do let children know it is okay to express those Do let children know it is okay to express those feelings.feelings.Remember your children will need help learning safe and Remember your children will need help learning safe and healthy ways to express their feelings. Be sure to provide healthy ways to express their feelings. Be sure to provide them with appropriate options.them with appropriate options.  

·       ·       Do reinforce that children are members of two Do reinforce that children are members of two homes.homes.Children should not be made to feel guilty or as if they have Children should not be made to feel guilty or as if they have to choose  which is their "real" or "better" home.to choose  which is their "real" or "better" home.  

·       ·       Do help children feel like they have a home with Do help children feel like they have a home with both parents regardless of the amount of time spent both parents regardless of the amount of time spent with each parent.with each parent.Make sure children feel they have a place in each home that Make sure children feel they have a place in each home that belongs to them even if it is only a section of a room. Giving belongs to them even if it is only a section of a room. Giving children the opportunity to offer input or add their own children the opportunity to offer input or add their own touches to their space can be helpful.touches to their space can be helpful.

              Do provide your children Do provide your children with discipline, as well as love.with discipline, as well as love.Children still need parents to Children still need parents to provide structure and limits provide structure and limits especially during difficult times. especially during difficult times.

Don'tsDon'ts ·       ·       Don't badmouth, judge or criticize your child's Don't badmouth, judge or criticize your child's

other parent.other parent.Children literally view themselves as half Mom and half Children literally view themselves as half Mom and half Dad therefore when you attack the other parent you Dad therefore when you attack the other parent you attack your child. This rule also applies to stepparents attack your child. This rule also applies to stepparents and other significant adults in your child's life.and other significant adults in your child's life.  

·       ·       Don't expose your children to divorce details.Don't expose your children to divorce details.Rarely is it ever in the best interest of children to be Rarely is it ever in the best interest of children to be exposed to information regarding court matters, child exposed to information regarding court matters, child support, financial concerns or intimate details regarding support, financial concerns or intimate details regarding your divorce Typically children feel very confused and your divorce Typically children feel very confused and caught in the middle when parents expose them to adult caught in the middle when parents expose them to adult issues.issues.

·       ·       Don't use your children as messengers or Don't use your children as messengers or spies.spies.Be responsible for finding some way to Be responsible for finding some way to communicate with your ex-spouse.communicate with your ex-spouse.  

·       ·       Don't retaliate when the other parent says Don't retaliate when the other parent says or does damaging things.or does damaging things.Retaliation or giving children "your side of the Retaliation or giving children "your side of the story" continues the cycle of children feeling very story" continues the cycle of children feeling very confused and caught between mom and dad. confused and caught between mom and dad. Instead choose to be supportive of your children by Instead choose to be supportive of your children by using statements such as "I'm sorry you had to hear using statements such as "I'm sorry you had to hear that" or " How do you feel when this happens?"that" or " How do you feel when this happens?"  

·       ·       Don't make your children responsible for Don't make your children responsible for making adult decisions.making adult decisions.Children should not be place in the position of Children should not be place in the position of deciding parenting schedules, where they will live deciding parenting schedules, where they will live or how to handle household matters.or how to handle household matters.  

·       ·       Don't allow your children to become Don't allow your children to become your best friends or confidants.your best friends or confidants.Children should not feel responsible for their Children should not feel responsible for their parent's emotional well being. Make sure you parent's emotional well being. Make sure you develop a supportive network and find other develop a supportive network and find other caring adults to share your feelings with about caring adults to share your feelings with about the divorce.the divorce.  

·       ·       Don't place blame when children Don't place blame when children ask why the divorce happened.ask why the divorce happened.Children should not be placed in the Children should not be placed in the position of judging or taking sides.position of judging or taking sides.  

·       ·       Don't withhold visitation if child Don't withhold visitation if child support is unpaid or fail to pay child support is unpaid or fail to pay child support if the other parent is support if the other parent is withholding visitation.withholding visitation.Both actions are illegal and are viewed as Both actions are illegal and are viewed as separate issues by the court.separate issues by the court.

·       ·       Don't try to buy your child's Don't try to buy your child's love or out buy the other parent.love or out buy the other parent.While children enjoy gifts, they will While children enjoy gifts, they will remember you for how you remember you for how you cherished them not for the material cherished them not for the material things you bought them.things you bought them.

    Don't lose your sense of humor.Don't lose your sense of humor.  It comes in handy during stressful   It comes in handy during stressful times times

How to Help Your How to Help Your ChildrenChildren

If possible, have both parents If possible, have both parents present when telling children about present when telling children about the divorce.the divorce.Discuss what you will tell children Discuss what you will tell children before hand. Also, keep explanations before hand. Also, keep explanations simple and avoid placing blame. Use simple and avoid placing blame. Use general statements such as Mom and general statements such as Mom and Dad can't live together anymore or Mom Dad can't live together anymore or Mom and Dad have decided we would be and Dad have decided we would be happier living in different homes. happier living in different homes.

Tell your children that the divorce Tell your children that the divorce is not their fault.is not their fault.Children need to understand the Children need to understand the decision to divorce had nothing to do decision to divorce had nothing to do with  them or their behavior. Further with  them or their behavior. Further kids should be told there is nothing kids should be told there is nothing they can do to change what is they can do to change what is happening in the family nor is it their happening in the family nor is it their responsibility to fix the family.responsibility to fix the family.

Tell your children that you love Tell your children that you love them. them. Make sure they understand the love Make sure they understand the love shared between a parent and child shared between a parent and child and is different than the love shared and is different than the love shared between a husband and wife. Kids between a husband and wife. Kids need to know that the love you have need to know that the love you have for them will last forever for them will last forever

Reinforce it is okay to love both Reinforce it is okay to love both Mom and Dad.Mom and Dad.Children should not feel they have to Children should not feel they have to take sides or worry about losing the take sides or worry about losing the love of either parent.love of either parent.

Give children details regarding Give children details regarding how life will change.how life will change.Answer questions such as where they Answer questions such as where they will live and with whom, when they will live and with whom, when they will see each parent, where will the will see each parent, where will the other parent be, how they can contact other parent be, how they can contact either parent, school arrangements, either parent, school arrangements, involvement in activities etc.involvement in activities etc.

Tell children both parents will continue Tell children both parents will continue to be a part of their lives.to be a part of their lives.Let children know what the parenting Let children know what the parenting schedule will be and how they can reach schedule will be and how they can reach each parent. Inform children that they can each parent. Inform children that they can contact either parent when they feel they contact either parent when they feel they need to talk with that parent. Also, if one need to talk with that parent. Also, if one parent chooses not to be involved in a parent chooses not to be involved in a child's life, it is best not to be dishonest child's life, it is best not to be dishonest with your child or misrepresent the truth.with your child or misrepresent the truth.

Minimize changes in your Minimize changes in your children's lives as much as children's lives as much as possible.possible.Such as neighborhood, friends, Such as neighborhood, friends, school, activities and contact with school, activities and contact with extended family members.extended family members.

Inform school and teachers about Inform school and teachers about changes in the family. changes in the family. Provide school with necessary information Provide school with necessary information regarding the divorce such as who will be regarding the divorce such as who will be the primary contact, changes in emergency the primary contact, changes in emergency numbers, who will pick children up and numbers, who will pick children up and when. Respect your children and remember when. Respect your children and remember to be discrete about details. This will also to be discrete about details. This will also help you steer clear of the temptation to help you steer clear of the temptation to drag others into the drama of your divorce.drag others into the drama of your divorce.

Forging ahead... Forging ahead...

Continue to show your children you Continue to show your children you love them through both words and love them through both words and actions.actions.

While you may tell your children with While you may tell your children with your words that you love them they will your words that you love them they will need you to back it up with action.  As need you to back it up with action.  As much as possible be a parent who much as possible be a parent who follows through with commitments and follows through with commitments and is true to their word.is true to their word.

Listen to your children.Listen to your children.Support their right to have feelings about Support their right to have feelings about what is happening in their lives. Help your what is happening in their lives. Help your children find safe and healthy ways to children find safe and healthy ways to express these feelings. express these feelings.

Role model appropriate ways to deal Role model appropriate ways to deal with feelings.with feelings.Find healthy ways to deal with you feelings Find healthy ways to deal with you feelings and help your children develop safe ways to and help your children develop safe ways to process their own feelings. process their own feelings.

Re-establish a sense of security by Re-establish a sense of security by providing structure, consistency as well providing structure, consistency as well as, lots of love.as, lots of love.Children will wonder about the possibility Children will wonder about the possibility of being divorced/abandoned by a parent of being divorced/abandoned by a parent (i.e. Are you going to leave me like you left (i.e. Are you going to leave me like you left each other?). Therefore keeping your word each other?). Therefore keeping your word with children and following through with with children and following through with plans, as well as, promises are very plans, as well as, promises are very important. Bottom line, don't just talk the important. Bottom line, don't just talk the talk; you also need to walk the walk. talk; you also need to walk the walk.

Support your child's relationship Support your child's relationship with their other parent.with their other parent.Children need a relationship with Children need a relationship with both of their parents. Remember, both of their parents. Remember, while a person may not be a good while a person may not be a good marriage partner, they can still be marriage partner, they can still be an excellent parent. an excellent parent.

Work on re-establishing a sense Work on re-establishing a sense of family. of family. Develop new family traditions, Develop new family traditions, rituals or activities such as creating rituals or activities such as creating special ways to spend the holidays, special ways to spend the holidays, getting a family portrait or planning getting a family portrait or planning a weekly  family dinner night. a weekly  family dinner night.