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The Effect of Impenetrable Eye Contact on the Probability of Female Interaction Leading to a

Closer Encounter Later in the Night Over Seafood Linguini and Riesling

By Ryan Kim

 

Objective: To fall in love with a member of the opposite gender without running into the

complications that usually accompany such an action such as jealousy, insecurity, emotional

breakdown, heartbreak, yelling, cheating, drinking, consuming large doses of ice cream, getting caught

with pornography, denying alleged pornography use, screening phone calls in order to hang out with

friends to play video games and watch pornography, and throwing the c-word out there when

accusations of infidelity are inferred from nasty insults, which will all result in love lost and several

weeks of depression, sleepless nights, and poor decisions which may or may not end in drunk dials and

weeping.

Directions and Observations

1. 1. Let the eyes of the observer wander around the room, whether it is a classroom, sanctuary, or

bar, until a subject possessing brown doe eyes, fair skin, and slender frame perhaps of mixed ethnicity

catches those wandering eyes and holds them in place bringing a warm rush of blood flow to the heart

and genitals.

a.  Boner alert. An overflow of blood has flooded into the genitals and a massive

amount of soft tissue has inflated beyond the skinny jean’s capacity. Face is also

receiving overflow of blood and internal temperature has arisen considerably toabout 98 degrees Fahrenheit from the normal temperature of 96.8. Hands have been

strategically placed to hide the erection and the desired subject has not noticed the

observer’s staring.

2. 2. At this point, the observer should calm down if it wants any chance of interacting with the

subject. Breathe deeply to lower heart rate and internal temperature. This is the difficult part of the

experiment and the observer should prepare itself for the initial interaction with the subject. Make

direct eye contact with the subject to ensure mutual interest and only then proceed to step #3. If no

mutual interest is established then proceed directly to step #4.

a.  Eye contact has been established. Sort of. A smile has been detected from the

corner of the subject’s glossy lips. The observer can’t be sure that the subject

wasn’t trying to conceal her laughter at the observer’s partner blank, clueless,

dumb face. The observer continues to stare and another smile has been detected.

This smile is fuller and revealed straight teeth, perhaps straightened by braces and

endless teasing in 6th grade before the subject’s body matured and the teasing was

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replaced by ogling and invitations to online chatting from boys she didn’t know. In

spite of the attention the subject got after puberty, she was still the insecure brace

face who took half an hour every night to floss between the metal in her teeth.

Because of her insecurity, she preferred atypical boys who were as insecure as her,

and lacked the fortitude to ask her out unless she gave an indicator of interest.

Hence, a smile. The subject’s face was warm and inviting much to the observer’sdelight, but again the observer is unsure because his partner still has the same blank 

stare on his face. The observer takes a gamble and approaches subject. Nerves are

being racked.

3. 3. Approach the subject and kindly introduce one’s self. Make small talk about how the weather

has been really up and down, and how it affects the sale of cold and hot beverages at coffee shops.

Laughter is a good sign and will be a good leeway into an invitation out for said cold or hot beverages

at a coffee shop, dependent on weather. Please do not stare at the subject’s chest.

a.  The observer’s hands have started perspiring and the subject’s smile hasfaded. The observer continues to make small talk, but the subject’s eyes have

started wandering. The observer loses heart, but decides for a hail Mary toss by

telling the subject an anti-joke that will lead into the observer asking what the

subject’s plans are for the weekend. He asks the subject what’s worse than finding

a worm in an apple? The subject shrugs her rather round shoulders and the

observer answers, “The holocaust.” He holds his breath as the subject takes in the

answer with brevity and scrunches her face and laughs as if she is ashamed to

laugh at such a terrible joke, but her stifled laughter breaks into a raucous shoulder

shaking joy. The observer is relieved and leads into asking the subject what herplans are for the weekend. The subject, still recovering from the joke, answers that

she is probably going to stay home and utilize her free Netflix trial. The observer

tempts her with offers of coffee and dessert at a nice French café that has the most

delightful fruit tarts. The subject smiles again brightly. Skip step #4.

4. 4. Go home, masturbate, spend five minutes in self-loathing, and enjoy a rerun of “Friends” on

television and take comfort that if Ross got Rachel in the end, there is hope.