Adultery

With Its Pants Down

Cheaters Exposed As

Social Predators Do we have the guts to send the right

message about a serious modern plague?

Do Our Nice Hollywood Words

Actually Free Us From

the Oppressive Victorian Myths

about Exclusive Relationships?

Have we quietly adopted words that

provide cover for and glorify that

same old Destructive Cruel

“Love” That Has No Shame, Just Pain

Is it Liberating?

Or Is it Enslaving?

Escape From the Propaganda of

Hollywood Love Affairs

Exposed!

Adultery With Its Pants Down

The Four Horsemen

of the Adulterer’s Lips:

Pain, Lies, Destruction and Blame

Isn’t it time to take the human cost and damage seriously and focus on what we

can do to help their prey?

Wake Up

Time To Recognize Adultery

As A Destructive Social Pathology

Not A Hollywood Romance

Overdue. It’s high time that we stopped giving a free pass to what are indeed social predators who live among us and commit unacceptable devastating harm. Yet in the name of being enlightened, we applaud - often with gusto - and resort to alluring names for their deeds. In The Open. We need to recognize their prey as going through traumatic stress. We also need to stop buying into pat falsehoods about the need to sweep the damage under the carpet, a.k.a. move on quickly.

Wake Up

Time To Recognize Adultery

As A Destructive Social Pathology

Not A Hollywood Romance

Ironic. We live in an age that pushes back at one careless word as a sign of racism, sexism, or any form of intolerance because of the harm it does to society to accept the unacceptable.

Covered by a Shameful Code of “Honour”. Yet we still live with the callous “words and rules about affairs” that were established in the bygone era of looking the other way on institutionalized strident racism and sexism.

No Shame. Lets step back and see that baggage we carry from that bygone era, when Bertrand Russell could creep past the pledged love of his youth sobbing in her bedroom as he led his “lover” du jour shamelessly into his room.

Take A Look

Are Those Rat Turds On Your

Cheatin’ Heart?

The Truth About Being Untrue

A Lover is not one who feels good while doing bad,

A Lover is not one who says the word Love.

A Lover gives when giving is hard,

And is true when being true is not the only option.

Contents

Chapter 1

◦ What is a “Love Affair”? Chapter 2

◦ What are the Predictable Unavoidable Results? Chapter 3

◦ Delusions for Dummies Chapter 4

◦ A Horror Story for Both partners Chapter 5

◦ When Deceit Defends, It Counter-Attacks Chapter 6

◦ Why Society’s Classic Approaches Are Rigged to Fail

Appendix A: The Trick Question: Why So Judgemental?

Bonus

Appalling Educational Features

Sit Com: “Cheating Father Knows Best”

Reality Game Show: Spot the Cheater

Playschool Flashback:

The Day Before Cheating

Watch The Cheater Try To Slither Out of Being Busted

Will He Fool You and Marry Your Daughter?

Let’s Tell Your Child Now What He Will Learn Anyway

Forward

If you are tired of reading, or even frightened to read

more of the horrible malarkey about Love Affairs,

Finding Out If, Saving Your Marriage, etc ... this is the read

for you.

This doesn’t offer advice on how to get a relationship

“back on track”.

Instead, here we offer plain talk that will

give you the right questions to ask,

equip you with tools and vocabulary

to sort and deal with the massive upside-down blame

thrown in your face.

Forward

Betrayal is about deceit and manipulation and hiding

the truth. It does long-term and massive harm.

You’d think that everybody would see cheating as: • A deceitful attack on those who extend love, commitment

and trust; a heart-breaking assault

• Devastatingly painful, cold, calculated and hard-hearted

• Simply wrong – a fraud, devious lying, false-hearted

• Obviously known as wrong by the people doing it, because

they build massive lies to keep it hidden

Not in our culture. Not in our media. Instead we hear

pro-adultery propaganda that extols the virtue of

cheating, and intentionally hides the true cost.

Forward

Pro-betrayal propaganda is everywhere we live – even

twisting the words we use to talk about it.

Betrayal is endorsed every day - with the blaming

excusing delusion words used by Hollywood and by

the Counselling Industry.

This gags the faithful partner, tilts the table at any

dialogue, and dumbs down the necessary discussion of

damage done. The voice of the person betrayed is

muted.

For you, that day is over. Your voice is restored.

Dedication

This presentation is dedicated to those hurting

faithful partners , parents and children who have

no friends and no voice in a world now

dominated by collaborators:

• Hollywood’s false ideas of lovers and love affairs

• Counsellor’s one-sided jargon about moving on

50-50 with changes needed by all to meet all

unmet needs

• Society’s pushy claim to shame nobody when

they really relish shaming the innocent and giving

a free pass to manipulative torturers.

Dedication Common fairness calls for a shield and compassion

for you, stopping first to heal the pain and then be

free of the deep evil of cheating before moving on.

Instead you are hit with a grotesque model of

adultery and told to buy in and move on quietly,

forgetting unmet promises and muttering about

unmet needs. Society collaborates, you suffer.

You, the faithful partners and children, are the real

lovers. The cheater and other person deal in

pain for their gain – they are false weak cowards ;

we all should puke before the word lover is ever

used for them again.

Preface

Some day most people will use plain talk to speak of

cheating on our partners. For caring people, the

word torment will be top of mind.

Until that day, plain talk found here will be special.

Plain talk gives a voice to the prey, and avoids

excusing and glorifying the predator.

Some of you will be delighted, some of you will be

horrified, and some of you may never recover.

Preface

To those who say I need to put things nicely, avoid

blame, and move on .. I say you are collaborating

with a modern form of wicked torture and

slavery (removing from homes against their will,

inflicting pain on the innocent, separating parents and

children, and taking away the deserved fruits of their

daily toil, smashing all dreams).

To those who say I am indicting people for following

a path that they little intended and meant no pain, I

think you should keep your weeping and wailing for

those actually in pain, not to make gratuitous

allowances for cruelty.

How to Read This

and Make It Stick

Imagine you are hearing the voice of a trusted

grandmother, an uncle or a hero you admire

for an exemplary and caring character.

That worldly-wise voice in your inner ear will

put a touch of class and nerve to these salty

blunt words.

In A Nutshell

You, The Faithful Partner,

Need Real Words

You are the long-term target of a personal predator.

You are in shock. Even finding words to express your

predicament is difficult.

One thing that makes it devastating is that the core

offense against you is a mountain of deceitful

manipulation and lies – a campaign that gives

tortured meanings to the words you care about and

the words you need to express the truth.

In A Nutshell

You Need Real Words

What makes it even worse is that your predicament

is framed with bogus words that tip the table against

you ever speaking openly and honestly:

love affair, lover, pity party, judgemental, letting go,

straying partner, your responsibility, moving on,

resentment, unmet needs, unhappy, rejection,

making changes, jealous, vengeful, incompatible,

failed marriage, - and don’t forget that great

command: forgive.

While I’m

untangling

my mind.

-J Cash

In A Nutshell

You Need A Real Voice

Well, those twisted “approved” words don’t leave much room for your story. If you stray from these words you are viewed as being ill tempered, lacking compassion, or unable to see that it was all just a small “mistake” – maybe you are crazy!

In fact, even if you are advised to journal your feelings as a healing, you will find that it takes a great effort to find the right words and avoid the twisted ones Reading this will help you get your voice back.

Start The Journey Here

With A Re-Awakening Step

If you are like many of the targets of predators, you are in shock and can hardly give words to voice your horror and plead your worthy case.

Everything is upside down and the pieces are spilled and tossed all over the place. Your safe haven is in tatters. The life you nurtured and cared for is a lying horrible wreck.

But you cannot stroll past this stage unless you first rediscover the balm of truth – undo the lies - you re-awaken when you use words that bluntly describe your situation as surviving a predator-prey relationship.

Stop The Journey Into

Victimhood

With no authentic voice, you will bog down as a silent sad “victim” or worse, as somebody who is in guilt, feeling responsible, and still trapped in the lair and snares of an intimate predator, who devours your life while getting you to acknowledge an overriding duty to cater to his unmet needs.

Our culture delights in all the nice words that lend the predator cover, hates blunt words that cast blame on cheaters, and scorns the trusting target of the manipulator.

You Deserve

To Hear The Truth

The journey before chapter 6 will include all the blunt words

that equip you with a strong voice that you need to be healed and balanced

These new steps are all here:

1. Call out the double-dealing predator for what he is,

2. Mock the glib expressions and oft-voiced panaceas of his adultery cheerleaders,

3. Unmask the underhanded street justice meted out against you by people who care so much that they “don’t want to take sides” – but do.

You Deserve

Lots of Time And Patience

It ain’t easy when your world is blown apart.

Rising above the rubble seems so far away. People telling

you that “time heals all wounds” seem so irrelevant.

At least I can assure you that I know that life just handed

you a few dozen huge bags of manure and razor blades,

and gave you the unjust painful and personal job of dealing

with them. That unwelcome task takes time.

Give it time, no matter what haste “they” urge on you.

You Deserve No Blame,

and No Blame-Words

It ain’t easy when your personal catastrophe is described by others using terms like “love affair” and yet ironically you are the one who really embodies the pledge of love.

And if you, the one with more evident compassion than any betrayer, ever express the hurt bluntly, you are pitilessly blamed as a “vengeful unforgiving judgemental obsessive”.

After a mountain of silly hurtful talk, and a river of bad advice, it is now time for us to speak very plainly.

Shield yourself against the lying experts and petty advisors who use any word that makes you feel even a little blame. Does a bombed city take on blame for being bombed?

You Deserve No Painful

Search For Reasons

Our minds are pre-programmed to find “causes and patterns”

for what happens in our lives. Others around us urge us to

discover the “reason” and work on a solution.

Don’t fall for that. Shut it right off. First you must escape the

prison of lies. Only then is it proper and possible to begin a true

examination of our past choices.

Some day in our distant future we will reflect on whether the

cheater has some attributes that make him more human and

that he got somehow lost. Still, some cheaters are psychopaths

anyway. Don’t spend your time sorting that out now. You

first have to give the proper names for what happened.

You Deserve The Truth

... Always

The manipulator has lied, repeatedly brazenly and hurtfully, to twist you to selfish ends.

Others too have rattled the Hollywood words at us, and “helped” us by drumming the mantra of easy forgiveness, unmet needs and avoiding any bitterness or blame.

I don’t seem to recall anyone saying:

“That cheater is such a massive liar he has contorted everything to his selfish advantage. He doesn’t shirk to blame you and plant lies at you and about you.

All that lying and manipulation against a good person - that’s really disgusting. He is a pain-serving crazy-making rotter not worth listening to.”

Don’t spend your time sorting that out now. You deserve the truth now and forever - and that’s all you need to know.

Cheaters Never Get This Profound Truth

Your Hurt Is Uniquely Deep

For most pains of life, we are assured that we can go to our closest most trusted warmest loving friend. There we are consoled, understood and supported.

Not so with cheating. That best comfort has been ripped away – even worse, the cheater is now a blame-spewing enemy that is capable of using anything we share against us – to justify himself.

But do not despair.

•You can find a alternate support system from those around you.

•You can also find strength in your own heart, since you have many positive contributions and have shown a faithful character.

•Combine that inner strength with good counsel that teaches strong recovery skills, and you will definitely overcome.

Who is

this

stranger?

It’s like

the

Invasion

of the

Body &

Heart

Snatchers

Your Hurt Is Uniquely Yours

But Much More Is Yours Too

Now we must dearly take a hold of ourselves and seek out a

new support system. Here it is said poetically:

What happens if ...

The very place that you call home, is where you can never be.

The very person that you call closest friend, is the one who can never

be that close.

The very special deeds that celebrated your trust and appreciation of

life,

Can never be the same again.

But do not despair. All is not lost by any means.

Your Hurt Is Uniquely Yours

But Much More Is Yours Too

The pure source of that goodness that was in that home and in

that friendship and in that trust, is still a precious bountiful well

deep in your own heart, and is there for you. Nobody can

take that away ever. Nobody should ask you to

surrender it.

That is your treasure for the future. You will again find and

celebrate your strong goodness and be less and less pained as

you bring joy to others even those you have yet to meet.

“I am wounded, but I am not slain. I will lie me down and rest

awhile and rise to fight again.” - From Sir Walter Scott's 'Tales of a

Grandfather'

If You Are OK to Go,

Skip The First Steps

Question. Do you already feel confident that

•You are quite comfortable and

•You can give strong voice to your inner self, and

• You have cheerleaders and supporters who recognize fully what you are going through.

Then perhaps you can feel free now to skip the initial steps and go directly to building a positive affirmation (Chapter 6.)

The journey before chapter 6 will include all the blunt words that our culture hates. I do this only not just to be a refreshing change for you, but mainly because I believe that we do remain silent victims until we let go and rip off the gag placed around a good healthy adult discussion of our pain as targeted prey.

The Goal is Sweet

It’s time to live wholly in the truth about cheating, however blunt you must be, facing down all deceptive nonsense from any direction.

This will be liberating. You will then feel more empowered to:

1. Drop the dark costume of a victim,

2. Take on the sunny attire of one who will no longer be mauled and intimidated by a predator,

3. Be immunized against the horrible words, evasions and nostrums dished out against most faithful partners,

4. Find a very healthy way to affirm all your great worth

5. Make only positive and worthy changes that are fully to your liking and advantage.

The Rediscovered

Dream

Yes, you can have a positive future in all the ways you always worked for. It no longer depends on the cheater, or the time you invested in him. All the goodness within you and the good things for the future are still within reach.

Before we immerse ourselves in a shower of unavoidable nasty words, let’s pause to recall real goodness and good words.

Yes

You Deserve to Dream

Love

Trust

Care

Joy

Relationship

Friendship

Security

Truth

Kindness Understanding

Love

Support

Social Life Giving

Stepping Out Helping Out

Love

True Love

Acceptance Carefree Hugging

Spontaneity

Amazing Sex

Cuddling

Being There for Others

Planning a Homestead

Sharing A Vacation

Sweetness

Touching

Being Touched Faithful Assurances

Affirmation

Memories

Good Places

Trading Genuine Compliments

Friends Fulfilment Adventure

Being Fully Appreciated

Closeness

You Deserve

A Full Loving Life Again Soon

Remember that those good words reflect your inner

strength and great goodness. No one can take that away

– ever.

These words which were once very sweet and special,

were soiled and made to seem part of a cruel ruse.

Wait. They will soon have none of the damaged

associations that hurt you now. They will continue to be

what you always did well and what you will do well.

Come back here often and drink up the sweet words of a

full life – you deserve it – and always did.

You Deserve to Dream A Full

Loving Life Again Very Soon

Yes, no one can take that away – ever.

These good words will have all of the positive associations that strengthen you and bring assurance and joy. I see that in you.

You will rediscover the source of your strength and your great ability to relate to people. You will be truly loved.

Mutual Respect Human Kindness Joy

Compassion Understanding Insights

Attraction Love Fulfillment

Humour Learning Sharing

You Deserve Gentle

Understanding If I were with you today face to face, you would know how

very much I am deeply on your side, and I know you often think that you are alone.

My message is to be calm and breathe slowly, for you are not alone. Many people love you and will love you, you are loveable and blessed. You are not the failed partner.

The pain you are forced to endure is wrong; our society’s glaring neglect of that harm is a appalling callous scandal.

Sorry. For some, this document will dredge up some bad things that you hastily buried, but I believe you are strong enough to give it a proper deep burial and cut it down to a very small size for good. Take your time.

I refuse to line up with the cover-up job that names and blames falsely – all are just lies provided as further torment by the predator’s unfeeling and biased cheerleaders

You Deserve Understanding In

Competent Hands

Get yourself a real counsellor who really understands

the snares of manipulators and the trauma you have

gone through, and is dedicated to equipping you with an

honest caring assessment and a plan.

It’s their job to help you make life choices, set goals that are yours

to cherish, work on recovery, build new dreams, and rediscover all

the greatness in you that will always be there

You can come out of the shadows, but not by carrying

the darkness with you as guilt or false blame. Face the

demons that are not yours to carry, remove their false

names, name them correctly, and drop them.

Use your freed energy that carried the useless burdens

to focus now on making your own positive path.

You Deserve Competent Help

Even if your counsellor is imperfect, or has illusions

about your situation, there are ways you can deal with

it.

◦ Some insurance plans and “employee help plans” serve you up

with counsellors that are not highly and ideally qualified to

handle relationships that are run by a manipulator – be they full

time borderlines or part-time, chronic liars, narcissists, or

sociopaths

One purpose of this book is to arm you with a

“counselling decoder ring” so you can parse the

psycho-babble used to “buy in” to adultery. You can

steer clear of the minefield of weasel words of false

blame, and stay in charge of your recovery

You will be miles ahead of those who are intimidated by

post-graduate degrees or are in awe of biased advice

You Have A Life – Attend To It and

It Will Start Attending To You Again Be busy – now and every day. Immerse yourself even when you

don’t feel like doing it.

◦ Idleness is the handmaiden of self-doubt and the enabler of too many sad thoughts to spoil your day

◦ Do you have a job to focus on, children or grandchildren to care for, people who depend on you? Volunteering?

◦ Are you using your skills, improving them, contributing?

Be balanced. Be grateful. Give Back.

◦ Are you better off than others? in some ways luckier?

◦ Can you help or volunteer in a way you enjoy?

Find the Positive. Find a Support System. Pray. Read.

◦ Others can ruin the minute. Only you can let them ruin your every day. But you must act to counter them (Unfair but alas true. It’s up to you.)

◦ Seek out positive people, uplifting sayings, positive motivational videos and positive experiences – they will not just drift your way

You Have A Life – Attend To It and

It Will Start Attending To You Again How To Be Balanced and Grateful.

◦ Are you better off than others? in some ways luckier?

Your predicament is very challenging. And not unique.

Sometimes it helps if we boost our determination and spirits by those who overcame even deeper challenges. Look up these stories of courage and persistence for example:

◦ Terry Fox (cancer walkathon fund raiser)

◦ Rick Hansen (man in motion – paralympian and fund raiser)

◦ Eugenio Senoner (one legged skier)

◦ Christopher Reeves (adult paraplegic star)

◦ Nick Vujicic (limbless but active motivational speaker)

◦ Chris Nolan (award-winning Irish author born quadriplegic and mute)

◦ Every family that experienced the tragedy of debilitating diseases especially of childhood

◦ People who suffer in prison for crimes that they were innocent of

◦ Children left to “the system” and neglected

◦ Families racked by addiction in their midst

You Deserve Enjoyment Yes, enjoy. I like entertainment that deals with second chances, challenging

odds and redemption of the broken spirit

Here are some to lift your spirits:

◦ All Roads Lead Home (deals with reactions to deep loss, Peter Coyote)

◦ To Kill A Mockingbird (Gregory Peck)

◦ The Verdict (Paul Newman)

◦ Bagger Vance (Will Smith, Matt Damon)

◦ Hoosiers (Gene Hackman)

◦ The Greatest Game Ever Played (Shia LaBeouf)

◦ Hurricane (Denzel Washington as Rubin Carter)

◦ Other Side of the Mountain (Marilyn Hassett as Jill Kinmont)

◦ Black Stallion (Mickey Rooney)

◦ The Rookie (Dennis Quaid)

◦ The Renaissance Man (Danny De Vito)

◦ 28 Days (Sandra Bullock)

◦ The Rainmaker (Matt Damon, Danny De Vito)

◦ Taken (Liam Neeson)

◦ Runaway Jury (John Cusack)

Let Life Put A

Smile On Your Face

I hope you find that some of the words you read here resonate with you

I hope that the snappy salty direct answers I soon give to the predator will cause your eyes to twinkle as you nod your head in recognition

I hope the humour brings a glint to your eye and lets you experience some of that broad giggly smile of the true happy child that is still within you and always was

Gradually Put A

Smile On Your Own Face

Take tiny steps each day toward the positive and you will be rewarded – a small smile is a first step but don’t stop there

Yes, laugh. Go experience some of that broad giggly smile of the true happy child that is still within you and always was

It’s going to be you again, with power and confidence, and inner peace and joy you deserve. Be patient. Just you see.

To quote from Bagger Vance: “They say that God is happiest when his children are at play.” Go make him happy a little at a time.