by A BEYONDHURTING achel a.v. nelson GONY OF WORDS...GONY OF SELF-INJURY by r achel a.v. nelson 577EZ Hurting Beyond guts 5/27/04 3:21 PM Page 1 “I’ve got to ge t away. I have

HURTINGBEYONDWORDS

THE SILENT AGONY OF

SELF-INJURY

by rachel a.v. nelson

577EZ Hurting Beyond guts 5/27/04 3:21 PM Page 1

“I’ve got to get away. I have to leave.” Waves of panic began to drown Rachel as shesearched for an escape. Social situations werealways the worst. She could never get throughthem without being overwhelmed by her ownthoughts. “You’re worthless. Nothing you say or do is ever right. Why do you even bothercoming—no one cares that you’re here. You’reugly, fat and lazy. You’l l never amount toanything.” Rachel finally slipped away, mumblingsome excuse to the hostess. A few minuteslater, she pulled into the dirt driveway behindher house, relieved no one else was home. Sherushed upstairs to her room, grabbing the knifeshe kept at her desk. Leaving the bathroom

door ajar, she sat on the lid of the toilet andbegan to cut through her skin. These internaltirades always set Rachel off—they had foryears. She could never resist responding withfrantic self-abuse. As she inflicted pain on herskin, she began to feel relief flood throughher. The physical pain shut out the emotionalpain. She tried to hang onto that, but knew it wouldn’t last long enough. Even as she began to clean her wounds, Rachel’s rush of complexthoughts made her feel both guilty andcomforted, alone in her pain yet in control of unexpressed emotions. A freak with asecret. Next time, it would take even more pain to find that brief release.

32


Maybe you can relate to Rachel’s experience. Or

maybe you know someone who is involved in self-harm.

Cutting is the most common form, but as many as

75 percent of all cutters (the slang name used for

self-injurers) use many different methods of injury.1

Though the practice can be traced back to ancient

times, it only began creeping into public awareness

in the past decade. Researchers, calling it ‘the new

anorexia,” differ in opinion on the scope of the problem

and who’s affected by it. Some of the most current

research places the number of self-injurers at about 4

percent of the general population and 1.2 percent of

teens. Almost everyone agrees the majority of teen

cutters are girls, perhaps because they have a stronger

need to express emotion than guys.2

In recent years, several books have been published on

this topic. USA Network aired a TV movie about cutting

and created an online lesson plan to provide

resources to educators.3 Web sites and in-patient

treatment programs such as SAFE (Self-Abuse

Finally Ends) Alternatives®4 have been developed

to help the self-afflicted.

54

The late Princess Diana shed light on cutting

during a highly-publicized 1995 interview on the BBC.

“You have so much pain inside yourself that you try to hurt yourself on the outside

because you want help,”

she said, speaking of her

own experiences with self-injury. 5


Research suggests teens turn to self-injury as a way

of dealing with emotional stress, most of them stumbling

across self-abuse in a moment of desperation, rather

than out of suggestion. Jamie “stumbled” on cutting

and describes her first experience like this: “It happened

spontaneously. I picked up a piece of broken glass and

cut my arm twice. It made me feel better because I could

focus on one thing, injuring myself, instead of things that

I couldn’t control around me. That was something that

I could control.” 6 Rachel also cited control as a payoff.

“Cutting provided proof of the perceived control of the

emotions I felt incapable of describing.”

Some cutters have “learned” to avoid showing emotion

and use self-abuse to express their hurt or anger.

These are the ones who often can’t explain why they

cut, and they may simply lack the words to express

that kind of feeling. For them, self-injury may be the

only way they believe their feelings can be voiced.

“They have no language for their own feelings,” says

psychotherapist Steven Levenkron, “Cutting is the

replacement for the absent language.” 7

76

Artwork on left—[Title: untitled]: by rachel

Cutters are sometimes told they don’t know whatreal pain is and that theyare acting as if the worldrevolved around them.Despite the perceptions of others, the pain a self-injurer feels is real.Accusing a cutter ofintense selfishness ratherthan trying to understandwhat she is feeling maymake her feel even moreisolated in her pain.


Others say they feel “dead” and turn to self-injury in

order to be reminded that they’re still alive.8 The pain

they cause themselves may seem like the only time

they can feel anything at all.

Journalist Marilee Strong, who interviewed more than

50 cutters for her book, A Bright Red Scream, gives

this thumbnail sketch of the group:

There are also self-abusers who have come to rely

upon no one and use self-injury as an emotional

release.10 As many as 50 percent of those seeking

treatment at SAFE Alternatives reported childhood

abuse or neglect. Many struggle with eating disorders

8

“Self-injurers are often bright, talented, creativeachievers-perfectionists who push themselvesbeyond all human bounds, people-pleasers whocover their pain with a happy face.”9

and substance abuse.11 These are just a few of the

factors that contribute to this complex issue, and they

may be seen in any combination—or not at all—in a

single cutter. Says Levenkron, “The self-injurer may not

even be aware of what she is doing to herself; and as

for reasons, these most likely elude her as well.”12

Despite the way it may look,

cutting is usually not a failed suicide attempt.13

The progressive, addictive nature of this disorder

can be life threatening. The more desperate a cutter

becomes, the higher the risk of accidental suicide.

According to Dr. Wendy Lader and Karen Conterio,

directors of the SAFE Alternatives program, “One of

the major reasons people come to us is that they’re

afraid they’re going to go too far and accidentally kill

themselves … they’re petrified of that.”14


“Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God.”

Isaiah 50:10


12

A common thread among self-abusers is that

they’ve lost sight of the truth somewhere along

the line. One female cutter explains it this way:

“When you construct your worldview on a

series of misunderstandings, it’s like building a

skyscraper with the foundation out of plumb. A

fractional misalignment at the bottom becomes

a whopping divergence from true by the time

you get to the top.”15 Jesus used this same

picture of a faulty foundation in His parable of

the foolish man who built his house upon the

sand (Matt. 7:26). Cutters can begin building

their houses on the rock of Christ by turning

to His Word for truth and leaving their

misperceptions at the foot of the cross.


RACHEL’S STORY . . .

At the beginning of this booklet, we metRachel. Let’s hear the rest of her story. “I was caught in a web of deception whosestrands were created by myself and others. I could recall and grossly distort any criticismI’d ever heard. Thoughts came in gradually atfirst, then picked up momentum more and morequickly, snowballing into a crushing avalancheof fault-finding remarks. I didn’t know thetruth or how to use it to fight back. Thatoverwhelming misbelief about who I ‘heard’ I was became the cracked foundation uponwhich I based my reality. Frustration andfeelings of helplessness could drive me to the edge in a matter of moments.

14


“I started cutting to silence the clashing voicesthat buzzed like static, drowning out the truth I longed for … prayed for … searched for.The glimpses of truth I did catch filled me with guilt and shame for feeling the way I did.The more I dug into God’s Word, the more itseemed truth was just out of my grasp. I didn’trealize how the enemy was using Scriptureagainst me, just as he did with Jesus in thewilderness (Luke 4:1-13). As a result, my desert’sboundaries seemed to extend into infinity.Because I could not, would not speak of my emotions, I was denied the advantage of prayer support, objectivity and understanding.

As I denied my feelings to stave off guilt, I found they became harder and harder tolocate. I tried mastering my emotions—turningthem on and off like a light switch—discoveringit took a little longer to pinpoint feelings as I went through experiences. I didn’t mind—it waseasier to cope, and I even cut less frequentlyas a result. But, over time, I became moreseparated from my feelings and began toemploy a clerk, of sorts, to file my life intoneat folders and cabinets. ‘Deaths’ go here.‘Bullying’ goes over there. ‘Harsh words’ go way in the back. I filed away life as if it were a peppering of news clippings, eachevent filled with information, yet devoid of emotion. I began to notice that I couldn’t feel, even when I wanted to.

1716


It was as if my clerk had filled out all thepaperwork wrong, and access was consistentlydenied to new or past emotions. I resumedcutting in desperation, to remind myself I wasstill alive. The blood seemed the only evidencethat I wasn’t dead yet, even though myemotional self seemed buried and secretlyplaced in an unmarked grave. I hoped and prayed that the overgrowth would not foreverhide the little-worn path to my emotionalcemetery. Yet I was terrified that each feelingmay have been well-preserved and would jointhe others in a riotous protest some day. Whenyou haven’t felt in years—and your memories offeeling are so intensely distorted—the thoughtof being hit with such a tidal wave of emotionis enough to drive out all hope of normalcy.

19

Artwork above—[Title: flowers and thorns]: by rachel

It is difficult to comprehend that life can come from one who hasbelieved thorny lies of deception for so long. Yet the Bible is clear intelling us who we are in Christ. As the cutter begins to believe the truthabout her identity in Christ, the flowers will begin to overtake the thornyself-image she once had.


I remained blinded by deception until I began to believe the truth that God loved me passionately and had created me for a purpose (Jer. 29:1 1). In desperation one afternoon, I told a friend about the years of self-injury and was able to start down the road to emotionalrecovery. Through the help of friends and loved ones, I began to experience the truth of Christ’s love, and my heart began to heal as I prayed for help in overcoming my unbelief.


I am Rachel, a recovered cutter and thisbooklet’s author. My story is excerpted fromjournals and snapshots of my own life fouryears ago before I confessed my secret to my roommate. Truthfully, telling my friend was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But it was such a relief to no longer be trapped in secrecy. At last I was able to leave 10 years of cutting, and I’ve neverregretted my decision to walk away.

2322

Artwork above—[Title: thorny overgrowth]: by rachel

After cutting one's self off from emotions, it is as if thorns begin to barricade the way back to feeling. Those thorns can be intimidating for the cutter, seemingly able to rip through one's spirit with untruthful accusations.


Paul reminded the church that “our struggle is not

against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against

the authorities, against the powers of this dark world…”

(Eph. 6:12). But God loved us so much that He sent

Christ to die and set us free from our sin so that we

could be with Him for eternity. In his letter to the

Galatians, Paul explained that “it is for freedom that

Christ has set us free.” He goes on to encourage us

to “stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be

burdened again by a yoke of slavery” (Gal. 5:1). Cutting is

one of the more lonely forms of “slavery” and can be

devastating to the person caught up in it. But there is

hope. It may take time for things to seem better, but

perseverance does pay.

It has been a few years since I walked awayfrom cutting, and sometimes I still have roughdays. As a fellow overcomer put it, “I’m inprocess, receiving victory along the way.”

24

When I’m tempted, though, I force myself

to remember the truth: God loves me

desperately and has incredible plans for my life,

even when it doesn’t feel like it (Jer. 29:11-13).

I’ve learned to talk about my emotions. And Istill fingerpaint when words don’t seem to beenough, using art as a springboard to expressmy feelings to God and to friends. Through itall, though, I know I can rely upon Jesus tocarry me through whatever difficulties come myway. “Surely God is my help; the Lord is theone who sustains me” (Ps. 54:4).

25


THE LIE

I’m worthless, fat, ugly, stupid(you fill in the blank).

I am the only one to blame foreverything that goes wrong inmy life.

I need to go through these hardtimes alone. This is my secret.

Everyone expects me to be strong.

People wouldn’t want to be withme if they knew how I felt.

Better to hurt myself physicallythan to allow my rage to hurtsomeone else emotionally.

I deserve this kind of pain in mylife. I don’t deserve God’s love orforgiveness.

THE PROBLEM

Self-depreciation

Desire for self-control

Isolationism

Unrealistic expectations;Perfectionism

Desire to please others

Self-abuse

Self-condemnation

THE TRUTH

The Creator of the Universe places great value on my life. I am His workmanship (Eph. 2:10), created in His image (Gen. 1:27) and made complete in His Son, Jesus Christ (Col. 2:10). He has bought me with a great price (1 Cor. 6:20, John 3:16). He calls me His friend (John 15:15) and desires a relationship with me (1 John 1:3).

You do need to accept responsibility for your actions, but we’re all subject to being hurt by others in a sinful world. More importantly, God deeply desires to be Lord of your life, to love, comfort, guide and grow you. But He won’t demand it; He wants you to give Him controlwillingly. When you do, He promises to work all things together for your good (Rom. 8:28, Prov. 3:5-6).

“God helps those who help themselves” is nowhere to be found in the Bible. Instead, we’re invited to cast all our anxieties on Jesus, because “He cares for us” (I Pet. 5:7). We’re also told that “the Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave younor forsake you” (Deut. 31:8). So even though tough times come, God is with you and you can rely on Him to stay with you throughout anypainful circumstances you face.

No one is strong all the time. In fact, God values our weakness, because it allows Him to be strong for us. “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Cor. 12:9).

Placing trust in the opinions of others rather than in the promises of God will always lead to disappointment. “If God is for us, who can beagainst us?” the Bible asks (Rom. 8:31). Not only is He our advocate, He also relates to us—Jesus has been there. (Isaiah 53:2-3.)

As Christians, we’re taught to not hurt others, to “turn the other cheek” (Matt. 5:39). But we’re also taught to protect ourselves physically.“Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit lives in you? … For God’s temple is sacred, and you are that temple” (I Cor. 3:16, 17b).

God’s word tells us that “there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Rom. 8:1), and that includes self-condemnation.We are all born sinners (Rom. 3:23) and thus deserve the pain of separation from God that sin creates. But God wants to fellowship with us, so He sent His Son. Jesus said: “I tell you the truth, whoever hears My words and believes in Him who sent Me has eternal life and will not be condemned; he has crossed over from life to death” (John 5:24). Not only that, He promises that nothing can separate us from His love (Rom. 8:38-39).


A person involved in a pattern of self-abuse does not

have to stay there. It may take a great deal of time to

recover, and there may be temptations to cut or even

lapses on the road toward healing. Keep in mind that

“God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond

what you can bear. But when [not if] you are tempted,

He will also provide a way out so that you can stand

up under it” (I Cor. 10:13). Life might not seem any easier

for the recovering cutter, but be encouraged with the

truth that “if God is for us, who can be against us?”

(Rom. 8:31). Though someone leaving a habit of

self-injury may still be hit with thoughts and feelings

of worthlessness, simply remembering and believing

the truth can help in “taking captive every thought”

(2 Cor. 10:5). When in doubt, you can even

ask God to help you believe (Mark 9:24).

26THE CUTTER’S GOSPEL GRID

1

2

3

Pull out center spread.

Post in a place where you are most often tempted to cut.

Or give to a friend who struggles with self-injury.


Paul reminded the church that “our struggle is not

against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against

the authorities, against the powers of this dark world…”

(Eph. 6:12). But God loved us so much that He sent

Christ to die and set us free from our sin so that we

could be with Him for eternity. In his letter to the

Galatians, Paul explained that “it is for freedom that

Christ has set us free.” He goes on to encourage us

to “stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be

burdened again by a yoke of slavery” (Gal. 5:1). Cutting is

one of the more lonely forms of “slavery” and can be

devastating to the person caught up in it. But there is

hope. It may take time for things to seem better, but

perseverance does pay.

It has been a few years since I walked awayfrom cutting, and sometimes I still have roughdays. As a fellow overcomer put it, “I’m inprocess, receiving victory along the way.”

27

When I’m tempted, though, I force myself

to remember the truth: God loves me

desperately and has incredible plans for my life,

even when it doesn’t feel like it (Jer. 29:11-13).

I’ve learned to talk about my emotions. And Istill fingerpaint when words don’t seem to beenough, using art as a springboard to expressmy feelings to God and to friends. Through itall, though, I know I can rely upon Jesus tocarry me through whatever difficulties come myway. “Surely God is my help; the Lord is theone who sustains me” (Ps. 54:4).

28


Spotting a Cutter16

Often friends and family are unaware their loved one

is cutting. It would seem the signs would be obvious,

but cutters can be extremely creative at hiding their

wounds. Here are some of the signs to look for:

- Unexplained bruises, cuts, burns or freshly healed scars, especially if coupled with other signs of being troubled.Favorite excuses are “I cut myself while shaving” or “The cat scratched me.”

- A cutter might describe himself or herself as bored or unable to express emotions.

- Wearing long, baggy clothing in the summer to cover the body. Note any signs of an unusual desire for privacy like reluctance to change in gym class.

- A normally outgoing person who retreats and doesn’t want to talk to family and friends anymore.

- Talking a lot about death, “being bad” or “needing to be punished.” Language that expresses low self-worth such as describing self as ugly, fat, lazy or worthless.

3029 If you or a friend needs help to stop cutting,

here are some steps to take:

Tell someone. If you injure yourself, it is

important to talk to someone about it immediately.

It may be difficult for another person to hear that you

hurt yourself, but don’t let concern for that person’s

discomfort keep you from taking this vital first step.

Talk about your emotions, even if you think that talking

so much about yourself is “selfish.” Let yourself be real.

Give your confidant some time to process what you’ve

shared. Realize that most people don’t know what to

say to someone who confesses to self-injury. Ask your

confidant to assist you in getting help.

Find a Christian counselor who has worked with

other cutters and whom you feel is trustworthy. It may

take a few therapists before you find one you work


31 well with. If you aren’t sure how to locate this

kind of professional, call Focus on the Family at

(800) 232-6459 ext. 2700 (8 a.m. to 5 p.m. MT) for a

free referral to a counselor in your area. You may also

need to find a medical professional willing to work

with your counselor who can examine and treat

self-inflicted wounds.

Know your triggers. Try to locate what

makes you want to hurt yourself, and talk with your

therapist about creating a plan for how to handle

those situations.

Be accountable to someone. Ask a Christian

adult or mature friend to ask you direct questions

about your self-abuse, and commit to being honest

with that person regularly.

Pray for yourself. Ask others to pray that you

will know and believe the truth. Spend time looking

through God’s Word for verses to use as a defense

when you start to feel overwhelmed. We’ve provided

“The Cutter’s Gospel Grid” in the center of this

booklet to get you started. Memorize comforting

scriptures. Carry them in your pocket. Post them on

your mirror or inside your school locker. Read through

the Psalms and know that there are others who have

felt the same way you do.

Find alternative emotional outlets. Express

yourself creatively. It may help to create a visual

representation of your feelings through artistic

expression. Color or draw. Write your thoughts in

a journal. Play a musical instrument. Some cutters

may need a more physical release, like dancing,

karate or jogging.

32


Rachel’s PrayerMy prayer for those who are involved in self-injury comes from Ephesians: “I keep asking that the God of ourLord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father,may give you the Spirit of wisdom andrevelation so that you may know Himbetter. I pray also that the eyes ofyour heart may be enlightened in orderthat you may know the hope to which He has called you … And I pray that you, being rooted and established in[Christ’s] love, may have power,together with all the saints, to grasphow wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge .. .”

(1: 17-18, 3:17-19).


The Youth Culture department at Focus on the Family equips parents, youth leaders/ministers and youth(ages 12 to 18) with the essential tools that will enable them to understand, navigate and impact the culture in which they live. We provide a variety of resources and information on popular cultural issues.We desire to see young people growing in integrity, character development, holiness, discernment, boldness in sharing their faith and in their understanding of how to interact with their culture from aChristian perspective. Please feel free to contact us at Focus on the Family by calling 1-800-A-FAMILY orby writing Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995. In Canada, call 1-800-661-9800 or write,Focus on the Family, P.O. Box 9800, Stn. Terminal, Vancouver, B.C. V6B 4G3.

Use of this booklet by any person, group or organization is not an endorsement of that person, group or organization by Focus on the Family. This booklet is provided as an information resource only.

4/01

Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture quotations in this publication are from the HOLY BIBLE, NEWINTERNATIONAL VERSION ® NIV ® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society.All rights reserved.

210218YC cutting-outside 5/27/04 4:26 PM Page 2

33Endnotes

1 Conterio, Karen and Wendy Lader, Ph.D., Bodily Harm: The Breakthrough Healing Program for Self-Injurers (Hyperion, 1998), p. 17

2 Pennington, Andrea, M.D., “Self-Injurious Behavior: Profile, Causes and Treatment,” www.discoveryhealth.com, 4/10/03

3 www.usanetwork.com/cableinclassroom/plans/secretcutting.html4 www/focusas.com/SelfInjury.html and www.selfinjury.org5 “Princess Diana—Biography,”

www.angelfire.com/grrl/glassangel/seven/diana.html6 Dateline, October 26, 19987 Kalb, Claudia. “An Armful of Agony,” Newsweek, November 9, 1998.8 Ng, Gina. Everything You Need to Know about Self-Mutilation

(Rosend, 1998), p. 309 Novellino, Teresa, “Coping by Cutting,” ABCNEWS.com, 3/14/0110 Holmes, Ann. Cutting Away the Pain: Understanding Self-Mutilation

(Chelsea House, 2000), p. 1211 www.selfinjury.org/docs/factsht.html12 Levenkron, Steven. Cutting (W.W. Norton and Co., 1998), p. 4213 www.selfinjury.org/docs/factsht.html14 Dateline, October 26, 1998.15 Kettlewell, Caroline. Skin Game (St. Martin’s, 1999), p. 2316 Adapted from Novellino, T., “Coping by Cutting,” ABCNEWS.com,

3/14/01 and Focus on the Family’s Life on the Edge Live! radio broadcast with “Chava,” 2/26/02.

Edited by Rhonda Handlon. Special thanks to Romie Hurley, LPC, and Bradley G. Beck, M.D., M.S.

Notes...


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For Canadian donors, a donation receipt will be issued for funds received that exceed the resource’s price plus taxes by five dollars or more. (GST #1068-45969RT)

All products may not be available outside of North America.

† U.S. only: does not reflect fair market value.

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Documents

by A BEYONDHURTING achel a.v. nelson GONY OF WORDS...GONY OF SELF-INJURY by r achel a.v. nelson 577EZ Hurting Beyond guts 5/27/04 3:21 PM Page 1 “I’ve got to ge t away. I have