Bringing Hope to Hurting Teens Through

Interpersonal Forgiveness

Dr. Preston VanLoonIowa Wesleyan College

Iowa Association for Alternative Education

Risky Business Conference

September 2009

“Without forgiveness there is no future… When something is unforgiven, it has physical consequences for us. Unforgiven tension, unforgiven sin, actually has a deleterious impact on the person.”

Desmond Tutu in Exploring Forgiveness

“If you cannot free people from their wrongs and see them as the needy people they are, then you enslave yourself to your own painful past. By fastening yourself to the past, you let your hate become your future.”

Lewis Smedes, Forgive and Forget

Interpersonal Forgiveness follows a deep, long-lasting injury from another person that may be:

Emotional

Relational

Physical

Moral

Adolescents experience hurt and pain in their lives due to:

Parental Divorce

Abuse (Physical, Sexual, Emotional)

Bullying

Betrayal of Trust

Domestic Violence (i.e. boyfriend)

Other?

The Effects of Hurt and Pain in Adolescents:

Behavioral/Emotional Difficulties

Emotional Problems

Poor Grades

Decrease in Self Esteem

Sexual Promiscuity

Effects of hurt and pain continued:

Problems making friends

Parental Conflict

Suicidal Thoughts

Withdrawal

Change in mood/attitude

What are some things that adolescents do to cope with their hurt and pain?

The injury or offense affects us:Cognitively

Emotionally

Behaviorally

How does it affect us in these ways?

Definitions of Forgiveness:

How would you define forgiveness?

Interpersonal Forgiveness Defined:

“Forgiving is choosing to pursue healing and overcome the painful emotions, thoughts, and actions associated with an unjust offense and replace them with hope for one’s future through the practice of compassion, mercy, and the desire to wish one’s offender well.”

Research-The Benefits of Forgiveness:Decrease in depressionDecrease in anxietyDecrease in displacement of angerDecrease in use of defense mechanismsPrevention of escalation of revengeImproved intrapersonal peace

Benefits of Forgiveness continued:Improved interpersonal relationshipsImproved affectImproved self-esteemReduction in stress symptomsLower blood pressureReduction in insomniaLess digestive problems

Reasons for ForgivenessForgiveness allows us to relieve ourselves of

the debilitating effects of chronic anger and resentment.

Forgiveness is being fair to yourself and the wrong suffered, it’s pain and revenge are unfair.

Forgiveness allows us to move beyond our past wounds and see life from a new perspective.

Forgiveness offers the possibility of healing and reconciliation, bringing new life, not death, to a relationship.

Forgiveness gives us the freedom to deal with our wrong realistically and bring healing to our hurts.

Forgiveness is for people who are human, who not only need to forgive, but also need to be forgiven.

Forgiveness allows us to transform the energy invested in our pain and hurt to bring healing to our memory and hope to our future.

Common Myths and Misconceptions:1. Forgiveness means forgetting the offense

never happened and going back the way things were before.

2. Forgiveness is a sign of weakness and vulnerability.

3. Forgiveness doesn’t make things fair to others or ourselves.

4. Forgiveness is only needed for those we care for, can see, or those who want to be forgiven.

5. Forgiveness happens quickly and easily.

6. Forgiveness is our duty and responsibility as human beings.

7. Forgiveness means putting up with or excusing inappropriate behavior.

Characteristics of Forgiveness:1. Happens between people, not a person and

an inanimate object.

2. Follows a significant injury.

3. The offense is an objective reality.

4. Is possible only when the offended party has a sense of justice.

Characteristics continued:

5. Over time, the injured party no longer seeks retaliation.

6. The offender need not apologize for the offended person to forgive.

7. The offender need not have intended the wrong.

8. Arriving at a forgiveness solution will vary depending on the severity, the quality of the relationships of the parties, and the offended person’s ability to understand forgiveness.

Forgiveness & Developmental ChangesMovement toward improved cognition, affect,

and behavior.

Learning about and practicing forgiveness helps develop the ability to forgive.

Changes from feelings of hate and resentment to compassion and love.

A desire to learn and practice forgiveness.

What Interpersonal Forgiveness is Not:Pardon

Reconciliation

Condoning and/or Excusing

Justification

Forgiveness is Not, continued:Forgetting

Allowing emotions to diminish over time

Just saying “I forgive you”

Synonymous with mourning

A one time decision

The Forgiveness Process…

Takes time, often continuing throughout life.Takes work and is not easy.Is an active process, not passiveIs internal with external manifestationsIs an ongoing processIs intentionalRequires a change in attitude

Suggestions to Help Teens Forgive:1. Identify the hurt that was experienced.

2. Discuss the hurt and the effect it has had on one’s life.

3. Express the painful feelings associated with the hurt.

4. Discuss how one has tried to cope with the hurt and pain.

Suggestions continued:

5. Explore alternatives and make a commitment to pursue forgiveness.

6. Do the work of forgiveness: reframing, empathy, compassion, and acceptance.

7. Look for meaning and purpose in life as a result of the offense.

8. Realize that self has needed forgiveness in the past also.

“Forgiveness is love’s antidote for hate, beginning with passive hate, the loss of energy to wish people well…you will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well.”

Lewis Smedes, Forgive and Forget