Bob's Burgers Spec - Schuett revised

BOB'S BURGERS

"Greens with Envy"

written by

Keegon Schuett

DRAFT 2

06/06/14

ACT ONE

EXT./ESTAB. BOBS BURGERS - DAY

EXT. STREET - SAME

LINDA, GENE, and LOUISE stand outside the restaurant observing the small crowd packed around the storefront next door. BOB comes outside.

BOB

Whats going on out here?

LOUISE

Shh, Dad. Shut your beautiful mouth.

GENE

Theyre gonna cut the ribbon.

BOB

Ribbon? What ribbon?

LINDA

Theres a new restaurant next door.

Looks exciting, Bobby!

A curtain is torn down unveiling the restaurants name: THE SALAD SALOON. A brassy cowgirl with big blonde hair pulls out a pair of scissors. This is SUSANNA.

SUSANNA

Yall ready for a real vegan, no meat,

non-violent western-themed salad

restaurant? Can I get a Yee-haw? *

Another cowgirl with huge red hair appears. This is SUSANNAH.

BOB'S BURGERS "GREENS WITH ENVY" Schuett 1.

SUSANNAH

Yee-haw, cowgirl!

Susanna opens the scissors.

SUSANNAH (CONTD)

Wait, Susanna! *

SUSANNA

What, Susannah? *

SUSANNAH

Dont cut it. Lets untie it.

SUSANNA

Recycling?

SUSANNAH

Recycling.

The two ladies untie the ribbon.

THE SUSIES

Were open, partners!

They point a gun in the air. Fire it and a flower comes out. The crowd applauds. Gene joins in. Louise smacks his hands.

The Susies go inside with the small crowd.

BOB

Salads.

GENE

Did cowgirls invent salads?


LOUISE

What kind of cowgirls dont even eat

cows? Thats my question.

GENE

They dont eat cows?

LINDA

They dont serve burgers, Gene.

GENE

Wait, cows are made out of burgers?

BOB

We dont have anything to worry about,

kids. No business ever lasts long *

there and nobody wants salads anyway.

Right?

A group of shoppers walk by.

PREPPY SHOPPER

Im, like, literally starving.

SURFER SHOPPER

Im gonna actually die.

BOB

Were a restaurant.


BEAUTIFUL SHOPPER

Theres nothing good to eat around

here.

PREPPY SHOPPER

Literally.

BOB

We serve food.

SURFER SHOPPER

Whoa, look.

PREPPY SHOPPER

No way. A Salad Saloon?

BEAUTIFUL SHOPPER

Text everyone. Like, now.

A huge crowd of attractive hipsters run down the street toward the Salad Saloon. They bump into the Belchers and squeeze into the restaurant.

LOUISE

Youre right, Dad. Weve got nothing

to worry about.

INT. ARTS AND CRAFTS ROOM - DAY

TINA is hunched over a crumpled dreamcatcher, gluing feathers to it. MR. FROND stands at the front of the classroom.


MR. FROND

Making dreamcatchers is about

following your dreams, kids. Thats

DREAMS.

He writes on the board DREAMS.

MR. FROND (CONTD)

Decidedly Riveting Expectations And--

TINA

Matching Success.

MR. FROND

Great, Tina! DREAMS, catch them.

Tina looks down at her dreamcatcher. She throws some glitter on it. The door opens.

A teenage guy with long flowing vegan hair enters. This is EARTH.

EARTH

Excuse me, Mr. Frond.

Time slows down. Tina stares at him. Is there wind blowing through his hair? Yes. Its beautiful. *

TINA(under her breath)

Sit next to me.

EARTH

My names Earth. Im new in town.

Like shes dreaming, Tinas chair turns into a globe. Shes *spinning and spinning. Catching glimpses of her new crush. *


TINA

Theres a seat open next to me.

A huge wave crests from behind Earth in the hall way and *completely douses him with water. He shakes his hair like Bo *Derek. *

EARTH

Is it too late for me to join The

Dream Catchers?

MR. FROND

Not at all. Its never too late to

catch DREAMS. Thats Decidedly--

Tina snaps back to reality. *

TINA(so fast shes out of breath and full of love)

Riveting Expectations And Matching

Success. Im Tina.

Earth smiles at her. She taps the chair next to him and swings her hair flirtatiously. It gets stuck in her mouth.

INT. THE SALAD SALOON

GENE and LOUISE look around. There are so many beautiful people eating salads.

GENE

If I ate salads would I look like that

guy?

He points out a THIN MAN with lettuce in his mouth and sucks *in his belly. LOUISE puts her hand on his shoulder.


LOUISE

Gene. Gene, baby. That guy does a lot

more than just eat salads. That guy

looks like a skeleton wearing a man

costume. You...I say this with love...

GENE

Go on...

LOUISE

You look like a donut that eats other

donuts.

GENE

A cannibal donut.

LOUISE

Gene, if youre serious about losing

weight, youre gonna need a trainer.

Somebody wholl keep you in line.

Someone whos stronger than you.

Smarter and more beautiful, but in a

surprisingly original and threatening

way. OK, OK, fine...Ill do it!!

GENE

Im gonna be beautiful.

EXT. STREET - DAY

TINA and EARTH walk together holding their dreamcatchers.


EARTH

Youre really good at making

dreamcatchers, Tina.

TINA

I love you, Earth.

EARTH

What?

TINA

Uhhh, I said, I love the Earth! *

EARTH

Dont we all? You really captured the *

Native Americans plight and the

subversion of natural cultures in

relation to the dichotomy of injustice *

with your piece today. *

TINA

Totally. Thats what I meant to do.

EARTH

I like you, Tina.

TINA

I like you, too.


EARTH

No, I mean, I like you like a vegan *

hippie pansexual.

TINA

Oh, yeah. Thats how I like you too.

EARTH *

Maybe you could be my... *

TINA *

Girlfriend? *

Earth is distracted as they approach the two restaurants. *

EARTH

Oh, thats my place up there.

TINA

Really?

EARTH

My moms run The Salad Saloon. We dont

eat meat. Its cruel.

TINA

Yeah. So youre not into burgers then.

EARTH

No, in fact, I could never love

someone who even thought about

burgers. Where do you live?


TINA

Nowhere. Everywhere. Im a free

spirit. Bye.

She drops her dreamcatcher as she runs away.

INT. THE SALAD SALOON - DAY

GENE and LOUISE look at the menu. TUMBLEWEED GIRL, a sullen *teenage employee, stands behind the counter. *

GENE

Whats a kale?

LOUISE

Maybe its like ginger ale.

GENE

Three kales please. And make it

snappy. Ive gotta run.

LOUISE

Oh, Gene. You need to pace yourself.(to the TUMBLEWEED GIRL)

He doesnt run all that often. Hell

have one kale for here. Thanks.

BOB and LINDA enter the restaurant.

LINDA

Gene? Louise? What are you doing here?

GENE

No time to talk, Mom. (to TUMBLEWEED GIRL)


(MORE)

Make that five kales to go. On the

double. *

BOB

Are you ordering food here?

GENE

Gotta run!

He runs off.

LOUISE

Run faster, you slob! *(to her parents)

Kids these days. Barely know how to *

run! Am I right? *

She follows. The TUMBLEWEED GIRL blows her bubblegum.

LINDA

Excuse me, can you tell us where the

owners are?

She doesnt say anything.

BOB

Just wanna say hi. Were from the

restaurant next door.

Another bubble.

BOB (CONTD)

We serve burgers.

The bubble pops. Everyone in the restaurant stops eating. The TUMBLEWEED GIRL slides away quietly rustling.


GENE (CONT'D)

BOB and LINDA look around. Very worried. They huddle together. Traditional Western stand-off MUSIC plays. *

A single pair of boots start stomping toward them. Spurs clinking as she walks. Its SUSANNA. She swings her full head of blonde hair around. SUSANNAH appears in the background, *arms crossed.

SUSANNA

Susannah, do you smell that? *

SUSANNAH

Yeah. What is that?

LINDA

I dont smell anything.

SUSANNA

I think its that one smell I really

dont like. Whats that smell again?

SUSANNAH

Oh, you mean burgers? *

SUSANNA

No, that other thing. *

She walks up to BOB and she pushes him.

SUSANNA (CONTD) *

I smell a couple of failures. *

PATRONS *

Oooooooooohhhh.... *


LINDA

Hi, Im Linda and this is my husband

Bobbby. We--

SUSANNAH

We know who you are.

SUSANNA

Youre not welcome here.

SUSANNAH

Unless youre buying a salad.

SUSANNA

Thats right. Are you buying a salad?

LINDA

Bobby?

BOB

Uh, no. No, were not.

SUSANNA

Of course you arent.

BOB

Whats that supposed to mean?

SUSANNA

Take a look around, burger-murder man.


SUSANNAH

Yeah! Look at us. Then look at you.

The beautiful salad-eaters stare at BOB. He sees their beautiful muscles protruding from their fashionable clothing.

BOB *

I dont know what you mean. *

LINDA *

Yeah, what? Do you think hes fat? *

BOB *

Fat? Linda? You think Im fat? *

LINDA *

No, I didnt mean fat-fat. *

BOB *

But you think Im fat. *

LINDA *

Bob, theres no denying you do have a *

little extra-- *

BOB *

Well, you dont exactly have a perfect *

body either! *

LINDA *

OH! Oh, yeah? At least I dont have a *

Bobby Burger Belly. *


BOB *

I dont have a-- *

SUSANNA

Hahaha, Bobbys burger belly!

She lets out a loud cackle.

SUSANNA (CONTD)(a growing chant)

Burger Belly! Burger Belly!

THE SUSIES


EVERYONE


Burger Belly!

Bob runs away! Linda is left alone in a sea of chanting vegetarians. Her stomach starts growling. *

LINDA *

Oh, man. *

END OF ACT ONE


ACT TWO

INT. KITCHEN - MORNING

BOB carries all of the meat products from the refrigerator to the trash. LINDA enters.

LINDA

Whoa, Bobby, whatre you doing?

BOB

Im getting a fresh start. I pulled

out that juicer you got for Christmas

last year that youve never used and *

Im only eating healthy from now on.

LINDA

Is this about what happened yesterday?

BOB

I dont know what you mean, Linda. *

Maybe one of us is a little *

embarrassed about how we treated our *

spouse in public yesterday. *

LINDA *

Oh, are you? Because I was just *

telling the truth. *

BOB

Me too! Im being healthy because I *

want to be. Im an adult, Linda. I

make my own decisions.


LINDA

OK. Well, I make my own decision too! *

Im gonna eat healthy with you. Not *

that I need to because Im not fat. *

BOB *

Neither am I! *

LOUISE and GENE enter.

LOUISE

Breakfast for one and a half.

LINDA

Whats the magic word? *

GENE

Abracadabra?

LOUISE

Ill have bacon and eggs.

GENE

And Ill have--

LOUISE

Two bites of a banana. Gene, jumping

jacks! Cmon!

GENE

Oh, yeah! I will be beautiful!

He starts doing jumping jacks vigorously. His arms knock over *appliances on the counter or photos off the wall as he goes. *


BOB

We dont have bacon or eggs. Were

only eating healthy non-meat products

in this house.

LOUISE

What?! Are you crazy?

TINA enters wearing tie-dye and flowers in her hair.

TINA

Does this mean we dont sell burgers

anymore?

LINDA *

No. We still sell burgers. Your father *

and I just want to eat better. Its a *

decision we made together as a team *

and were sticking with it. *

TINA

Oh, ok, bye.

She leaves.

GENE

I. Will. Be. Beautiful.

He gasps and pants. He falls onto the floor. LOUISE stands on her chair and drops a chunk of a banana into his mouth.

LOUISE

Did I tell you to stop?! KEEP GOING!

Gene doing jumping jacks while laying on the floor. *


LOUISE (CONTD) *

Get up! *

He tries. He slips in his sweat. More horizontal jumping *jacks. *

It looks like hes making sweat angels. *

INT. ARTS AND CRAFTS ROOM - DAY

TINA walks into the room. MR. FROND stands as she enters.

MR. FROND

Tina, ready to catch some DREAMS

today?

TINA

Is Earth here yet?

MR. FROND

No. Do you need to talk, Tina? Are you

feeling feelings for Earth?

TINA

Mr. Frond, I just want to channel all

my feelings into feathers, beads, and

thread.

MR. FROND

Very well.

She sits down at her station. She gets to work.

EARTH enters. He carries her dreamcatcher from the other day.

EARTH

You dropped this.


He gives it to her.

EARTH (CONTD)

Whyd you run away?

TINA

Listen, Earth. I may seem like a girl,

but Ive seen Pretty Woman twice so I

know a thing or two.

EARTH

Tina--

TINA

Dont call me Tina. From now on, my

name is...uh, Iceberg and Im your *

girlfriend whos never even heard of

burgers. What are those? Ive never

heard of them.

EARTH

Do you wanna go protest with me, Tin--

I mean, Iceberg?

TINA

Im all for it. Unless youre against

it.

She swings her hair flirtatiously. It gets in her mouth *again. *

INT. BOBS BURGERS - DAY

BOB stands behind the counter eating a salad slowly. Hes grimacing. Its causing him lots of pain.


LINDA stands next to him, staring down at her salad. She lifts her fork. She frowns.

BOB

Im so happy were doing this as a

family. I feel very happy.

LINDA

Salads. Who knew?

BOB

I cant believe we went so long

without these things in our lives.

LINDA

Yeah, maybe if one of us was more open- *

minded about food, we would have *

discovered them sooner. *

BOB *

Maybe one of us didnt know that the *

other one of us wanted to eat better *

all along. *

LINDA *

Maybe! *

GENE enters wearing sweats and carrying a bottle of water. LOUISE follows.


LOUISE

Gene, thats a two minute break, but

remember...every second youre not

exercising your bodys getting fatter.

Thats science.

BOB

Gene, you dont look so good.

GENE

Thank you. Just exercise and portion

control. Anyone can look this good.

LINDA

What are you doing to him, Louise?

LOUISE

What am I doing? What have you people

done to him?! Look at him. If I hadnt

done anything, people would be

chanting Burger Belly at him in the

streets. Do you want that? Huh?! Do

you?

LINDA

I need some air.

She goes outside. *


GENE

Oh, its a piece of tofu. I just wake

up and do six hundred push-crunches.

Then I jog around the laps until the

sun makes my pores cry. Anyone can do

it. When your bodys tired thats just

your body getting muscle-stronger.

EXT. STREET

LINDA sneaks off to a pay phone. She makes a call. *

GENE jogs with LOUISE behind him.

LOUISE

You call that jogging?

She sees their Mom.

LOUISE (CONTD)

Gene! Stop! Gene!

GENE

Cant stop. The calories are on fire!

LOUISE

Get over here.

They hide behind a bench and listen.

LINDA

No, listen, I cant take it anymore.

You cant come to the house. Meet me

in the alley.


(MORE)

My husband cant know about this.

Yeah. I want it hot and I want it now.

She hangs up and sneaks away. LOUISE and GENE pop their heads up.

LOUISE

Wow! Well, I cant say I didnt see it

coming.

GENE

The Mayan apocalypse?

LOUISE

No. Moms leaving Dad because of his

Burger Belly. You know what that

means, Gene.

GENE

What?

LOUISE

Youve gotta exercise more! Mom

doesnt love fatties! Now move!! No

pain, no gain!

EXT. BOBS BURGERS STOREFRONT - DAY *

EARTH and TINA join the crowd outside of Bobs Burgers. He hands her a sign.

TINA

Uhhhh....

She looks at the sign. It says BOBS MURDERS.


LINDA (CONT'D)

EARTH

Im so glad youre with me. Were

going to stop an evil man today.

SUSANNA and SUSANNAH approach them.

SUSANNA

Earth! You made it! Whos this pretty

person with you?

SUSANNAH(a whisper)

We dont see gender, just aura.

TINA

Im Iceberg. I hate meat and I love

global cooling.

EARTH

Icebergs a free spirit. She doesnt

have a home.

SUSANNA

You can move in with us!

SUSANNAH(a whisper)

Were very open-minded.

TINA

Uhhhhh....


INT. BOBS BURGERS - SAME

BOB hears the commotion and shoves his salad aside. His stomach growls loudly.

CROWD

Tweet if you dont eat meat!

Meat is murder!

Tweet if you dont eat meat!

BOB looks out the window and sees a sea of hot dogs, chicken nuggets, and burgers wearing clothes and carrying protest signs.

BOBS BELLY

Burgerssss.

He grabs his stomach. He opens the door and goes outside. He squints and spots Tina.

BOB

Tina? What are you doing?!

EARTH

Does he know you, Iceberg?

BOB

Come inside right now!

SUSANNA

Are you Burger Bellys daughter?

TINA *

I dont-- Im not-- Look at the time! *

TINA looks around frantically and drops her protest sign, running away.


BOB doubles over, very hungry. GENE, a donut, and LOUISE, a hot dog with pink bunny ears run up to him.

LOUISE

Dad! Weve got something to tell you.

BOB

Not now, hot dog.

LOUISE

Whats wrong with Dad?

The crowd wanders toward The Salad Saloon.

BOB

Whats happening?

The Susies get behind a podium. *

SUSANNA

None of us are happy about the

atrocities happening next door. Did

you know that 98% of all meat-eaters

die before age 46?

BOB *

Thats not even remotely true!! *

CROWD

Meat is murder!


SUSANNAH

So many of you cowgirls and boys just

love burgers, but dont love the guilt

of slaughtering helpless animals,

right?

CROWD

Thats right.

BOB

Oh, no.

SUSANNA

Well, were pleased to announce our

latest menu item.

She unveils the sign. It reads - WANTED: THE MURDER-FREE BURGER.

SUSANNAH

Get em now!

The crowd goes wild and go into The Salad Saloon. BOB puts his head in his hands.

END OF ACT TWO


ACT THREE

EXT. STREET - DAY

BOB has his head in his hands. LOUISE taps him. Shes still a hot dog to him.

LOUISE

This might not be the best time to

tell you, but Mom is meeting a guy in

the alley for...uh, well...

GENE

Something hot right now. *

Bob stands up.

BOB

What?!

EXT. ALLEY - DAY

BOB opens the door to the alley just as LINDA takes a big bite out of a meat-covered piece of pizza. She faces away, hiding the pizza box.

BOB

Linda. Linda!!

She gasps. But finishes eating the piece of pizza before turning around.

LINDA

What?

BOB

Were you just doing what I think you

were doing?


LINDA

What do you think I was doing?

BOB

Listen, I know I dont have a perfect *

body, but Im trying.

LINDA

I know you are, Bobby.

BOB

If you need some other man who doesnt

have a Burger Belly to make you happy,

then I dont know what else I can do.

LINDA

What are you talking about?

BOB

Louise told me everything!

LINDA

Well, you pushed me, Bob! What was I *

supposed to do? *

BOB

I thought we were in this together. *

Now youre meeting men in the alley. *

Its cheesy! *


LINDA

No, Bob. It was meaty. *

BOB *

I dont want to know any more about *

it. I guess this is it for us, Lin. I *

hope the two of you have a great life *

together! *

He storms off angrily. Linda is very confused. She shrugs and *opens the pizza box. She eats another slice. *

EXT. STREET - DAY

TINA sits alone on the bench by the phone booth. She holds her protest sign by her side.

EARTH approaches her.

EARTH

Hey, Iceberg.

TINA

Hi, Earth.

EARTH

Is it true that you live in a burger

restaurant?

TINA

Maybe.

EARTH

You can tell me. I wont be mad. Im

never mad.


TINA

Im not like you, Earth. I grew up

surrounded by burgers. The only thing

Ive ever protested was the school

dress code and I wasnt born with a

cool name like Iceberg. I know that

Im not the girl for you.

EARTH

Nobodys perfect, Iceberg. You can

start over. Escape your old life and

live with me and my moms.

TINA

Just like the end of Pretty Woman?

EARTH

Yeah.

TINA

Ill think about it.

INT. BOBS BURGERS- DAY

BOB spears some lettuce and eats it. The little hot dog with bunny ears returns.

LOUISE

OK, Dad. Enough is enough. This isnt

you.

She smacks the fork out of his hand.


BOB

Hey!

LOUISE

Hey, yourself! I dont like whats

happened to you. The Dad I know liked

his burgers, breakfast, lunch and

dinner...and sure, from time to time,

some mean ladies with big hair would

make fun of his gut, but so what?!

Thats life! Salads all day, thats

not life! I mean, look at whats

happened to you or to Gene!

GENE stands at the window staring at his reflection.

GENE(singing)

My ballads for salads

Youve made me so pretty.

Im a male who eats kale *

Salads help my dream truly sail. *

LOUISE

Snap out of it, Dad!

She slaps him. He sees normally again.


LOUISE (CONTD)

Lets go teach those ladies a lesson

theyll never forget!

BOB *

A cooking lesson. *

LOUISE *

A manners lesson. **


Customers eat the MURDER-FREE BURGER. They seem to be enjoying themselves. TINA carries a small bag and is greeted by the SUSIES and EARTH.

SUSANNA

So youve decided to give up that life

of burgers for a greener life.

TINA

It was a hard decision, but yes.

SUSANNAH

Well, the grass is greener when youre

only eating salads.

The Susies laugh.

SUSANNA

Youll be sleeping in the basement

with Grandma.

TINA

Grandma?

EARTH

And all of her cats.


TINA

What does Grandma smell like?

EARTH *

Oh, youll see. *

TINA *

Dont you mean smell? *

EARTH *

No, shes got like...a cloud around *

her. *

A hush falls over the restaurant. The TUMBLEWEED GIRL rustles away. The sound of boots and spurs clinking as BOB enters the Saloon with LOUISE on his tail.

SUSANNA turns at him. A stand-off. Patrons chew and watch silently.

SUSANNA

Yall came to the wrong western-themed

salad chain restaurant, ya hear?

Youre not welcome.

SUSANNA pulls her gun out of her holster.

SUSANNAH

Susanna, it dont got to be like this.

SUSANNA

I reckon it does, Susannah.

LOUISE

Is that even a real gun?


SUSANNA

Mmhmm. And its loaded too.

BOB

With what? A flower like last time?

SUSANNA

Maybe.

SUSANNAH

We dont believe in violence. Just

quality food.

BOB

You dont serve quality food here.

The crowd gasps.

Bob whips out a shining spatula and spins it like a gun.

SUSANNA

You best get out of here before I

shoot. Git!

BOB(to the CROWD)

You want real food? How about one of

my real burgers?

LOUISE pulls out one and takes a big bite.

SUSANNA

You wouldnt know real food if it was

in a salad bowl in front of you!


BOB

Oh, yeah?

SUSANNA

Yeah!

LOUISE

Oh, yeah?!

SUSANNAH

Yeah!

BOB

Well, I bet if people tried my

burgers, theyd like em a lot better

than your burgers.

SUSANNA

Oh, yeah?!

LOUISE

Yeah!

SUSANNAH

Oh, yeah?!

TINA

Yeah! *

Everyone stares at Tina. *

TINA (CONTD) *

I mean, never mind. *


BOB

I challenge you to a cookoff!

SUSANNA

We accept, Burger Belly!

Her gun misfires. A single white dove flies out of it. It *flies toward the door. It smacks against the glass and falls *to the floor. *

SUSANNA (CONTD) *

Youre free now! *

END OF ACT THREE


ACT FOUR

INT. BOBS BURGERS - DAY

LINDA rushes inside. GENE still admires his reflection.

GENE(singing)

All it takes is diet and exercise

to be the size youve dreamed of...

LINDA

Gene! Gene! Wheres your father?

GENE

Thank you for noticing. My waist is

much slimmer.

LINDA

Hey! Wheres your father?

GENE

I dont know. Next door?

LINDA

Eat a burger, sweetie. For Mommy?


BOB and LOUISE set up their cooking station. They glare at the SUSIES, EARTH, and TINA.

LOUISE

You got this, Dad. Just remember

everything I taught you.


SUSANNA(to TINA)

OK, Iceberg. You know all your Daddys

weaknesses so youre gonna help us

take him down.

TINA

Uhhhh....

EARTH

Perfect!

TUMBLEWEED GIRL stands before both teams.

TUMBLEWEED GIRL

On your mark, get set, cook!

She rustles away. LINDA enters just as the competition starts.

BOB and LOUISE are cranking out burgers super fast. The SUSIES are a bit behind.

LINDA

Bob! Bob!

BOB

Linda, Im a little busy right now! I *

cant talk. *

LINDA *

I know, Bobby. I just wanted to say

that Im sorry about eating the pizza. *


BOB *

What? *

He stops cooking. *

LOUISE *

What are you doing, Dad?!?! *

LINDA *

I thought you knew. *

BOB *

I thought you were meeting a man in *

the alley. *

LINDA *

I did. The pizza man. *

BOB *

I thought you were cheating. *

LINDA *

I was. On our diet. And youre right, *

Bob. I have no right to call you fat *

when I look the way I do. *

BOB *

No, Lin. Im sorry. I love the way you *

look. I just...it hurt my feelings *

when you called me fat. *


LOUISE *

DAD! GET YOUR FAT BUTT BACK HERE! *

LINDA *

Bobby, I love your burger belly. *

BOB *

I love your love handles. *

LINDA *

I love-- *

LOUISE *

I LOVE THAT WERE LOSING RIGHT NOW. *

BOB *

All right, Louise! Calm down. *

He goes back to his station. He struggles to catch up with *the Susies. BOB and LOUISE look to TINA for help. The SUSIES *and EARTH glare at her. *

TINA

Sorry, Earth. I thought you were my *

world but, Ive got to follow my *

DREAMS.

TINA runs to her DADs side.

TINA (CONTD)

Decidedly Riveting Expectations And

Matching Success!

She throws together some burgers really quickly. Her Dad catches up.


LINDA claps.

LINDA

Bobby! Bobby! Bobby!

CROWD

Bobby! Bobby! Bobby!

The crowd begins to eat the burgers. *

BEAUTIFUL SHOPPER *

I like the Bob burger. *

PREPPY SHOPPER *

No way, murder free all the way. Def. *

SURFER SHOPPER *

I think I like cow meat. I cant *

believe I said that. *

A tally is formed on a board by the counter. Theyre *incredibly close in score. *

Suddenly a cloud begins to waft through the bottom crack of *the basement door at the back of the restaurant. *

Patrons begin to GAG and pinch their noses. *

The door cracks open and CATS emerge slowly. Theyre filthy *and ratlike. Then she emerges: GRANDMA. Shes got green eye *makeup and a ball of yarn dangling from her hair. Two kittens *on either shoulder play with it. *

GRANDMA *

I want to try the burgersssss. *

LOUISE *

Oh, its horrible! *


PREPPY SHOPPER *

Ive like...totally lost my appetite. *

BEAUTIFUL SHOPPER *

Same here. Literally. *

SURFER SHOPPER *

Lets never come back here ever. *

PATRONS *

Yeah! *

Everyone rushes out of the restaurant. The cats gnaw at the *leftover burgers. *

INT. BOBS BURGERS

TINA cleans the floors.

TINA

Im sorry I was a traitor.

BOB

Its OK, Tina. You were there when it

mattered.

TINA

Iceberg always is.

BOB

Whats that?

TINA

Nothing.


END OF ACT FOUR


Documents

Bob's Burgers Spec - Schuett revised