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3The Black Issue Columns

Eureka!That Sai Baba

-Saahil DamaIf you're under the delusion that the issue this time is black because that Sai Baba dude died, you're deeply mistaken. It's because of the Will-Kat wedding. She was my ex-girlfriend. But, that's another story.

The first time I heard about Bhagwan Sri Sathya add-synonym-God Sai Baba was when he was dying. Not the perfect introduction, but if we'd met earlier I'd pretty much have done the honours of topping him off myself. It's not like I don't believe in God and the supernatural. Batman and Harry Potter talk to me all the time. It's just that when a person gains a massive following from duping people by performing magic tricks, it just becomes difficult to digest. What Sai Baba part two did was simple. He exploited the rampant ignorance of people and placed himself on the pedestal of a Messiah by 'manifesting' holy cow ash, watches, necklaces and other petty things. Nothing that Criss Angel, David Blaine and Houdini didn't do better. But then, with the hideous afro, bushy eye-brows and sociopathic expression on his face, he certainly got the necessary at-tention. It's not really difficult to play on peoples' gullibility. People want to be-lieve in an authority who looks over them. Sai Baba merely worked it out for his convenience.

I eat eyeballs for breakfast.

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However, what surprises me is the extent to which this Sai Baba dude success-fully pulled off his delusions, gained millions of followers and minted money, despite doing nothing that 'Gods' are supposed to do. He didn't walk thousand miles to get back a kidnapped wife, didn't hang himself under a banyan tree and certainly didn't get nailed to the cross with rusted nails.

Negative Negative Negative

We must give him due credit, though. He was one of the most cunning, foxy and stealthy God-incarnation ever. Everytime somebody asked him to perform his miracles under scientific conditions, he used to become the most elusive person ever; even more than the invisible man. He kept doing this till all his skeptics either gave up hope or died.

One thing that he has perfected.


There have been many accusations and claims proving Sai Baba's fraudulency but none of them have penetrated the thick skulls of his acolytes. Videos are doing circles of the internet which expose Sai Baba's trickeries. He was proved to be a hypocrite when he stated that he would die at the age of ninety six and would remained healthy till then, but instead ended up dying at eighty four years of age. Apparently, death was beyond his Godly powers. Or he consid-ered it beneath his dignity to postpone his death. But, he didn't die too soon, leaving behind a legacy spanning 166 countries, millions of followers and thousands of crores, along with displaying that in India, even shit sells. I'd be ready to forgive all this, if while dying, he hadn't committed the worst sin pos-sible - die on Sachin Tendulkar's birthday. Now that is just unforgiveable.

‘Yo kid! I hate you so much that I'm going to die on your birthday. Screw you.’

And of course, now that he's dead, there has to be another because this Sai Baba cycle is destined to haunt us forever. After Bhagwan Sri Sathya add-syn-onyms-of-God Sai Baba they ask what next. Judging by the trend, it's probably Superman or an orangutan with hair locks. That's what the hirsute seer of the decade said. Sai Baba part three is going to pop up in Doddamallur. He's going to be called Power Ranger Prema Sai Baba. Job availability on first come first serve basis. Lunacy and bad hairstyles a prerequisite.


I will never understand why they have cooking TV shows. I can only see it. I can't smell it. I can't eat it. I can't even taste it. At the end they hold it up to the camera and the host goes all ‘mmmm’ on it. They might as well put up a disclaimer saying, "We are going to make some delicious looking stuff. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Good-bye."

‘This is delicious, bitch. But you can’t eat it.’

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Sometimes you go to a nice eatery, they put the bill in the little book. This is where the story of the bill begins. Okay, so you ate this. Huh, I ate so less and I am paying so much more. Why is he the one counting money? Why is she kicking at me under the table? And of course, the

IonicFood, News and That

-Nikhil Mane


tip has to be calculated. All this time, the waiter looks on. He does not say a thing but you can feel judgment emanating from him. Then, you try your best to steal as many tissues, toothpicks and mouth fresheners from the place.

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One thing I love about living in Mumbai is it has every different type of people piled together. I am for open immigration, but that sign we have on our foreheads saying, "The door's open, why don’t you pop in?" is just deeply unsettling. I remember seeing the same on a toilet door. Only that it had poop instead of pop.

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Newspapers are pretty bad. The weekend ones are very bad. Sunday's paper is the worst. You want to relax. You want to read Calvin & Hob-bes, Bizarro and Pearls Before Swine. (Not Family Circus. Never that one. No one ages, nothing bad ever happens in Family Circus.) And then the paper goes, “Here's pages of information you had no idea about. Here is how to spend this time this way." Each one of them is supposed to be what is missing from your life. The life that you spend reading newspapers.


EpifunnyBloodred Redemption

-Krushna DandeGather Round for a story, Of a little town named Rory,Though the gates of hell were adjacent, The townsfolk were complacent,And thought everything was Hunky Dory.

But on Friday, July 13,Hell’s very own king and queenRose from the groundWith a godawful soundLike the time they did last Halloween.

The townsfolk came to their knees,And slowly turned to zombiesThey shuffled and moanedAnd stumbled and groanedTheir faces eaten off by fleas.

The town needed the hero To turn the zombie population to zeroHe’d experienced it at home,Even done it in rome,He was a gunslinger named Nero.

He gathered all his ammunition, Thinking he’d get a huge commission,


So humming a little ditty,He left the cityTo the town for his lates mission.

He got off the afternoon train, The place smelling like a clogged drainThe zombies, recently shambling, Started eagerly scrambling, To sink their teeth into his brain.

He got out his trusty gunAnd started having funWith many bangs and crashes,And gunpowder scented flashesHe proceeded to kill everyone

He saw the gates of hell in the horizon,Charged there like a raging bisonSaw the king and queen,Ugliest he’d ever seenAnd punched them out like Mike Tyson.

He walked to town on all fours, Robbed all the clothing stores,He stoleall the cash and a lovely red sash And proceeded to kick down the car doors.

But he couldn’t find a working ride,The batteries had all diedThey found him with the bodies And said his work wasn’t shoddy, But they charged him with multiple zombicide.


MonocleFraaandship Phone

- Sushrut Munje

Along came the Wheel.Along came the Frappuccino.And along came the Cellphone.And this thing then caught on. Cellphones became SmartPhones.Why? Because they got smarter.Very smart?? Yes.Too smart for us??? Nope.*phew*

Cellphones were huge in their early days. Then they became smaller, cuter. An-tennae disappeared and the screen became better. Hang on, computers were get-ting smaller too. Then someone had the guts to bring them together and bang on! Bang on! Then we had something which we weren’t clear what we have. What do I have in my pocket, human? A tiny computer or a smart cellphone that acts like a computer? Gah. Smart + Phone is SmartPhone. Why get confused? Merge them. Merge them both. Bang on!

I’m a not-so-average human but my life, yes I have one, revolves around the smart old gadget I call, lovingly, my phone. Does that make me an average Mumbaikar? No. Does it matter, at all? Nope.

Why, you ask? Why the PHONE?!

Because, the heck, I cannot remember birthdays.I cant remember work appointments.I cant remember phone numbers.Because, my smart old phone can.Why should I do all the work, eh? Phone thingy rules!


My phone is the reason I stay in touch with fraands. My phone is the reason I update my Facebook status at the drop of my hat. Oh wait, did that pigeon just defecate on my table? Golly, my hat just fell off in all that excitement. Hold on. There, status updated. I told you I have a life! And my phone is the reason I pho-tograph myself for my fraands. They then like my pictures and images and pho-tographs (and pics, did I say that?) and they comment. I love it when I realize I’m popular.

My head is spinning with excitement. Mary, stop going round and round.Okay, now I will focus and concentrate.The points are as follows, teacher:

1) Calls, Missed Calls and SMSPhone helps me call people and talk to them and converse with them. Phone helps me send texts to people, my service provider.. message people, message my service provider.. sms them all and so on. I can go on and on and on, no? And oh yes, I can give missed calls to all people too. That is a bonus.

Sometimes people and my service provider (whom I don’t like) call me and dis-turb me when I have food. That is when I get irritated and frustrated. But it is okay. I like my phone number. And I like my ring tone.

2) Music, Songs and RhythmI walk with a swagger. Because it is cool.So I like music very much. My phone can store a lot of songs, music and rhythm in it. With my headphones and earphones, I listen to rock, pop, rap rock, pop rock and rap pop. So I like rhythm very much and shake my head dhup-chik-dhup-chik as I walk. So people like me and smile at me every time. I am so hap-py. I have fun everyday.

3) CameraVery helpful, sir, because I’m a talented and gifted photographer. There are mo-ments, certain movements, you don’t want to miss and you can ‘capture the es-sence of innocence and beauty’ in the camera lens and also in the memory card. Nice, no? My gullphraand smiles and I click her cute pic, image, photograph and pic.Then I upload it on Facebook and say “My cuuutttiieeee pieeeee. Nice haan.” My friends then like it and say “Yessssss mann.” “Wowwww, gr88 haan” “lol lol lol wth lol lol” I am so popular. My camera helps me to be. I am so happy.


I also photograph, click images of flowers and butterflies. Also, many times, both of them together. Very beautiful. Phone is small, lens is at least 2 MP and one but-ton and photo, image, pic is mine. I am so happy.

4) Emails and DocumentsI can email too. So I can forward all emails to all my great grand amazing (Wrong spelling, I mean- ammazinggg) fraand list. So they all forward it and it comes back to me again. Huge circle. So much fun.

I am smart. So I have my resume now. I carry it in my phone and my memory card. What I do is, I can email it to all companies who want a nice employee like me. I can do this on phone. Smart, no? Yes. So I will get employment soon.

5) MapsI am not that smart, you see. So I get lost very often when I miss my station, traf-fic signal, favorite shop and garden gate. But my phone is very smart. So I can see where I am going when it shows me maps. Since I can read and I can press but-tons, I can see the map on my phone. So much more fun!

6) Friends, Fraands, GirlFriend, Gullphraand, and FrndzzzzzI wear bright green converse shoes with bright red laces. So I have many friends and a sweet girl friend. But the problem is, I need to call them up everyday and ask for home work. I call my girl friend up to know what she is listening to on the radio. Then I sing along and she cuts the phone. Why? Because I put the singer to shame. I also need to send her love quotes everyday. I send her lyrics from Back-street Boys songs. She loves them and thinks I write them. Also, I send dirty jokes to my friends. It makes them laugh. They don’t send me messages but it is okay. I am generous and have a life. So you see, phone is very important.

7) Without Phone, I have no life.Yes indeed. Let us see why. It is as follows:● Without a phone, no frustration and irritation.● Without a phone, no dhup-chik-dhup-chik. I dont like ipod of any com-pany.● Without a phone, no one to call, email, text, sms and message.● Without a phone, no fun camera to click, photograph myself.

So you see my life revolves around my phone.


I love my phone.Without it, I’m just a dried leaf lying abandoned in the New York Central Park.Without it, *sobs*, I’m just another college student, no?Without it, I am.. simply.. *sobs harder*.. human.

My Phooooooone!!!What will I ever do without you?!Lots of things! I know! But Still!My Phooooooone!!!