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ASSERTIVENESS

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Learning Outcomes

By the end of this training you will be able to:

1. Name the five ingredients of assertiveness

2. Describe what assertiveness is

3. Identify situations where you would like to improve your assertiveness

4. Learn to say NO

5. Why to concentrate on self-esteem

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What is assertiveness?

Definition of Assertiveness : It is the quality of being self-assured  and  confident  without  being  aggressive. It  is learnable skill and mode of communicationAssertiveness is based on balance :When you are assertive - you ask for what you want but you don't necessarily get it.

Why to be assertive?

1. Get to "win-win" more easily 2. Are better problem solvers 3. Are less stressed 4. Are doers

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Assertiveness at Workplace

Quiz on Assertiveness

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Assertiveness Quiz

Instruction:

On a piece of paper, number from 1 to 10. Write your choice a, b, or c after each number.

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Assertiveness Quiz

1. You are at a store and order a chicken raw, but it is served to you well-done. You would: 

a)  Accept  it  since  you  sort  of  like  it  well-done anyway. b)  Angrily  refuse  the  chicken  and  insist  on  seeing the manager to complain about the poor service. c)  Call  the  person  and  indicate  you  ordered  for chicken raw, then turn it back. 

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Assertiveness Quiz

2. You are a customer waiting in line to be served. Suddenly, someone steps in line ahead of you. You would:

a)  Let  the person be ahead of  you  since he/she  is already in line. b) Pull the person out of line and make him/her go to the back. c)  Indicate  to  the  person  that  you  are  in  line  and point out where it begins. 

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Assertiveness Quiz

3. After walking out of a store where you purchased some items you discover you were short-changed. You would: 

a) Let  it go since you are already out of the store and have no proof you were short-changed. b)  Go  to  the  manager  and  indicate  how  you  were cheated  by  the  salesman,  then  demand  the  proper change. c) Return to the salesman and inform him of the error. 

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Assertiveness Quiz

4. You are in the middle of watching a very interesting television program when your spouse comes in and asks you for a favor. You would: 

a) Do the favor as quickly as possible, then return to the program to finish watching it. b) Say "no," then finish watching your program. c) Ask  if  it can wait until the program is over and,  if so, do it then. 

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Assertiveness Quiz

5. A friend drops in to say hello, but stays too long, preventing you from finishing an important work project. You would: 

a)  Let  the  person  stay,  then  finish  your  work another time. b) Tell the person to stop bothering you and to get out. c)  Explain  your  need  to  finish  your  work  and request he/she visit another time. 

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Assertiveness Quiz

6. You ask a petrol pump attendant for 500 INR worth of petrol. However, he fills up your tank by mistake and asks for 2000 INR. You would: 

a) Pay the 2000 INR since the petrol is already in your tank and you will eventually need it anyway. b) Demand to see the manager and protest being ripped off. c) Indicate you only requested 500 worth of petrol and give him only 500 INR .

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Assertiveness Quiz

7. You suspect someone of harboring a grudge against you, but you don't know why. You would: 

a)  Pretend  you  are  unaware  of  his/her  anger  and ignore it, hoping it will correct itself. b) Get even with the person somehow so he/she will learn not to hold grudges against you. c)  Ask  the  person  if  they  are  angry,  then  try  to  be understanding. 

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Assertiveness Quiz

8. You bring your car to a garage for repairs and receive a written estimate. But later, when you pick up your car, you are billed for additional work and for an amount higher than the estimate. You would: 

a) Pay the bill since the car must have needed the extra repairs anyway. b) Refuse  to pay,  then  complain  to  the Motor Vehicle Department or the Consumer Forum. c) Indicate to the manager that you agreed only to the estimated amount, then pay only that amount. 

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Assertiveness Quiz

9. You invite a good friend to your house for a dinner party, but your friend never arrives and neither calls to cancel nor to apologize. You would: 

a)  Ignore  it,  but  manage  not  to  show  up  the  next time your friend invites you to a party. b)  Never  speak  to  this  person  again  and  end  the friendship. c) Call your friend to find out what happened. 

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Assertiveness Quiz

10. You are in a group discussion at work which includes your boss. A co-worker asks you a question about your work, but you don't know the answer. You would: 

a)  Give  your  co-worker  a  false,  but  plausible  answer so your boss will think you are on top of things. b) Do not answer, but attack your co-worker by asking a question you know he/she could not answer. c) Indicate to your co-worker you are unsure just now, but offer to give him/her the information later. 

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1. Passive : Chooses to be the victim Believes in: You’re Okay, I’m not Okay.

2. Passive /Aggressive : Chooses to be the victim and       creates victims      Believes in: I’m not so Okay and neither are you!        

3. Aggressive : Creates victims. Believes in: I’m Okay. You’re not so Okay

4. Assertive : There are no victims. Believes in: I’m Okay. You’re Okay too.

Behavioral Types

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Styles of Communication

• Passive 

• Passive/Aggressive 

• Aggressive

• Assertive Activity : Role Play along with mimicry

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What is your Personality type?

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE

ASSERTIVE

Let’s find out

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Passive Communicators

• Soft voice• Overly agreeable, no point of view expressed• Avoidance• Withdrawn body language• Sound unsure• Beat around the bush• Sound hopeless or helpless

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Passive-Aggressive

• Appears to agree but really does not agree• Tells others but not the source of the concern• Makes subtle digs and sarcastic remarks• Keeps score, sets conditions• Nonverbal message contradicts the verbal message• Holds back expressing concerns or providing

assistance• Criticizes after the fact

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Some Passive/Passive-Aggressive

“Uh…if that is the way you want to do it…hmm, that is fine with me.”

“I don’t know if I could do that.”

“I’ll talk to him soon about that problem; I’ve just been really busy.”

“I’m sorry to ask you.”

“Maybe that’s a good idea.”

“I knew that wouldn’t work.”

“If that’s the way you want it…”

“How could you even think that?”

“ When was the last time you helped me?”

“The problem with Joe is…”

Passive Passive-Aggressive

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Passive-Aggressive

• Blaming, accusing• Intimidating body language• Demanding, ordering• Raised voice• Harsh, personal language• Verbal browbeating

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Assertive

• Takes responsibility & initiative• Speaks up, is direct and constructive• Assumes a confident voice and body language• Addresses concerns directly to the source• Requests needs• Listens actively• Shows sincerity• Is solutions focused

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Some Aggressive & Assertive

“You must…”“Because I said so.”“You idiot!”“You always…”“You never…”“Who screwed this up?”

“Yes, that was my mistake.”“As I understand your

point…”“Let me explain why I

disagree with that point.”“Let’s define the issue and

then explore some options to help resolve it.”

“Please hear me out and then work with me to resolve my concern.”

Aggressive Assertive

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Five Ingredients of Assertiveness

1. Listen

2. Demonstrate you understand

3. Say what YOU think and feel

4. Say specifically what you want

5. Work out joint solutions and consequences

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Why we find it hard to say “No”

1. You want to help2. Afraid of being rude3. Wanting to be agreeable4. Fear of conflict5. Fear of lost opportunities6. Not burning bridges

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Learn to Say NO

1. Have a reason for saying no2. When you want to have some 

time to yourself3. To keep your stress levels 

down4. Remember you aren't 

responsible for everyone and everything

5. You don't have what the other person needs

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Positive ways of Saying No

1.“I can’t commit to this as I have other priorities at the moment.”

2.“Now’s not a good time as I’m in the middle of something. How about we reconnect at X time?”

3.“I’d love to do this, but …”4. “Let me think about it first and I’ll get back to you.”5.“This doesn’t meet my needs now but I’ll be sure to keep you in mind.”

6.“I’m not the best person to help on this. Why don’t you try X?”

7.“No, I can’t.”

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Different ways of Saying No

1. Your Natural No     This is your own personal way you say NO2. Reflective Listening, Then No!     Reflect back the content and feeling of the 

request  and then say no.

3. The Reasoned NoSay  no and give a succinct reason for it.

4. The Rain-Check No    Say no this time, but suggest that the other person asks again.

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Different ways of Saying No

7. The Celebrative No This is a dramatic gesture to signify refusal

5. The Broken Record     For use with very aggressive or manipulative 

people (e.g. sales people). Simply use a one-sentence refusal and repeat it no matter what the other says.

6. The Flat No     Rarely used by assertive persons       but simply saying “no” is appropriate at times.

Team Activity

Case Study Analysis

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Four Personality Model - DISC

DISC  is  a  personality  model  based  on  the  work  of psychologist William Marston. Marston  found  that  observable  behavioral characteristics  can  be  grouped  into  four  major personality types.  

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Exploring DISC

DISC itself is purely an acronym for the four personality types which are:• Dominance  – which relates to control, power and 

assertiveness• Influence – which relates to social situations and 

communication• Steadiness – which relates to patience, persistence, and 

thoughtfulness• Compliance – which relates to structure and organization

What is your Personality Type ?Let us explore

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Exploring DISC

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Building Your Self-Esteem

Self-esteem is a measure of how much you value, respect, and feel confident about yourself.

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Self-Esteem Benefits / Risks

Benefits of High Self Esteem:Increased respect for yourselfIncreased ability to reach goalsIncreased willingness to try new thingsIncreased feelings of value

Risks of Low Self Esteem:Vulnerable to peer pressure

More likely to make unhealthy decisionsMore likely to be critical of self and othersIncreased risk of depression and suicide

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Assertive– Body Language

1. Increase participation, look like you’re listening2. To connect instantly with someone, shake hands3. To stimulate good feelings, smile4. To show agreement, mirror expressions and

postures5. To improve your speech, use soft gestures6. To learn the truth, watch people’s feet7. To sound authoritative, keep your voice down8. To improve your memory, uncross your arms and

legs 

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Tips for building Self-Esteem

1. Make a list of your strengths and weaknesses2. Develop a support system of friends3. Practice positive self-talk4. Practice good health habits5. Avoid doing things just to “go along with the crowd.”

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Tips for building Self-Esteem

6. Give credit where credit is due.7. Set short-term goals that will strengthen your weaknesses8. Don’t be afraid to try something new.9. Nothing puts things in perspective better that volunteering for those in need does

RE-CAP

• Be assertive , not aggressive• Saying No at the right time prevents millions of

problems• Don’t say Yes when you want to say No!

Thank you!