The Good News Arnold is many things. On the one hand, it is an affectionate embrace with theww Trent and Peterborough com-

munities. It aims to look at the lighter side of life within these complicated places, delving into the grins and giggles that rarely shine through all the grit and grime. Yet, it also represents an at times caustic, satirical, and often very angry response to some of the major events and issues that have fuelled controversies and filled the head-lines over the past several years.

In that sense, then, much of the content ap-pearing in this volume should be taken with a grain of salt. A great deal of it should never be taken seriously, and much of it should probably be dismissed outright. Some stories, however, should be re-written in a more serious tone so as to draw attention to issues that require more thoughtful and urgent consideration.

What is important is that in reading this publica-tion you take a risk. You risk laughing uproari-ously in a quiet place on campus, perhaps em-barrassing yourself by contravening the coded silence of the Library’s red zones. You also encounter the possibility of being offended, in which case you should do something produc-tive and creative with those feelings. In the best-case scenario, however, you will read this vol-ume and reflect on the possibility of what could have been if all the bad news suddenly became good news.

Volume 1 | Issue 1 | March 28, 2011

Volume 1 | Issue 1 | March 28, 2011 Arnold page 1

CONTENTSEditorial.......................................................................................... .page 2

Trent abandons private rez...................................................page 3-4

Trent turns to the reds.............................................................page 4

Feature interview.......................................................................page 5-6

Admin. take pay cut...................................................................page 7

News briefs....................................................................................page 7

Winter joggers invade.............................................................page 8

Cars no more.................................................................................page 8

Crossword & Horoscopes.......................................................pwage 9

DISClAIMEr

Volume 1 | Issue 1 | March 28, 2011 Arnold page 2

EditorialTHE TIMES, THEy SAy, ArE A CHANgIN’...ArEN’T THEy?The more we delve into the major stories appearing on the press wire these days, the more we confront an envi-ronment of rather grim, and indeed scarce, possibility.

Fortunately things have shifted, at least insofar as the content of this week’s Arnold is concerned. Our committed staff of reporters and investigative journalists have turned every corner and lifted every rock in order to bring you the top stories corresponding to the Trent and Peterborough communities this week.

Today also marks the launch of the premier issue of this fecund enterprise, and we are overjoyed to bring you some very special news to guide the way that you look critically, and perhaps even optimistically, at the week ahead. For a particularly good news story, turn to page three and bask in appears to be a fortuitous conclusion to the long-standing ordeal with the University over its contentious private residence plans. If that wasn’t glorious enough, then let’s talk revolution on page four, where our reporter Clara Zetkin covers Trent’s new marketing ploy. We guarantee that the juicy details will make your face run red.

If you still aren’t satisfied or satiated, make sure you check out our feature spread at the near midway point of this paper. We’re the only newspaper in Canada, and probably even the planet, that managed to score an inter-view with a prestigious member of the waterfowl community. You don’t want to miss what this character has to say about the tar sands.

Now, if you haven’t totally given up on us yet, then you should check out what remains. Our story on the Univer-sity administration’s decision to accept a wage cut is sure to warm hearts and produce a sense of much needed relief. Here you will also find some news briefs that, while short in content, point to some interesting develop-ments that Arnold will surely follow into subsequent issues.

We certainly don’t want to kill the suspense and let the cat out of the bag, but on page eight we’ve got some pretty important stories regarding the larger Peterborough community. It appears that a disgruntled group is threaten-ing violence if the city does not concede to their demands. Read the story for all the riveting details. We’ve also discovered that the city has passed important legislation that forces private cars off the road in favour of a com-prehensive public transit strategy. Finally, to wrap it all together, you can fill in the blanks of our crossword and see what the stars have to say about your future in our horoscopes section.

While you may be disappointed that this weeks issue paid little attention to some of the more hard-hitting stories that dominated headlines in other papers this week, we all felt that you could use a break in order to capture a bit of the good that exists amidst the bad.

CampusIn a shocking reversal of

past precedent, adminis-trators at Trent University have abandoned plans for a private residence, favoring instead what has been de-scribed as a more “commu-nalistic” housing solution.

Alternate plans were an-nounced Friday, March 25 after the provincial govern-ment released full public funding to the University as part of their recently minted capital investment program, Improving Our Schools: Moving forward without steps back.

The plan draws substan-tial funding from the enor-mous level of revenue gen-erated annually in the form of interest payments ex-tracted through the Ontario Student Assistance Program (OSAP), the post-secondary

service administered jointly by the provincial and fed-eral governments.

According to the Trent University news bulletin, the alternative residence will be located within walk-ing distance of Peterbor-ough’s downtown core at the former site of Peter Rob-inson College, located at the Parkhill and George Street intersection.

“Extensive renovations to the original Peter Robinson townhouses will be com-pleted in order to update their design, reduce their impact on the environment through sustainable build-ing techniques, and facili-tate greater levels of student satisfaction and community within the residential build-ings,” the bulletin reads.

A tentative date for the completion of all renova-

tions and additional con-struction at the Peter Robin-son site has been set for the fall of 2012.

When asked whether the renovations would likely be completed on time and within budget, a spokesper-son from the University told Arnold that while it is dif-ficult to predict outcomes, Trent is making “every ef-fort to arrive on time and avoid cost overruns.”

“We’ve engaged in inten-sive planning to circumvent the potential for unexpected errors during the construc-tion process,” the source confirmed.

Past expansion projects at Trent have been frequently marred by a history of poor fiscal planning. In 2003, controversy spread after de-

lays in the construction of Gzowski College forced the University to lease space at an old bible college.

Earlier, in 2001, space shortages resulting from closure and sale of Peter Robinson College made the University unable to provide sufficient housing for incoming students dur-ing the double cohort. This precipitated the administra-tions’ decision to lease back the defunct townhouses at a cost of $200,000 per year.

Despite this history, and the negative public percep-tions it generated, the Uni-versity appears confident that it will avoid any addi-

TrENT AbANDONS prIVATE rESIDENCE Access to new monies allows revaluation of long-term housing plan

by Bea Minor

“It became clear that chasing a $1 mil-lion payment in exchange for what essentially amounted to a permanent sale of the land through the creation of a 99-year lease just wasn’t a very good deal for Trent.” —Board of Governors

BLUEPRINT SHOWING REDESIGN OF PETER ROBINSON TOWNHOUSES

STOrY CONTINueS ON PAGe 4

Volume 1 | Issue 1 | March 28, 2011 Arnold page 3

Alternative housing options coming to Trent after protracted controversay

...continued from page 3

Stereotypical imagery that casts Trent as a haven for ‘leftist radicals’ was actualized this week after the University publically re-branded.

Trent is now self-pro-moting as a Marxist insti-tution in a brazen effort to position itself within the post-secondary education marketplace.

Senior administrators said Thursday that the of-ficial decision was moti-vated by demands from the provincial government that universities realize their economic potential by engaging in a strategy of competitive advantage.

The Ontario Govern-ment’s order builds upon a recent report by the Higher Education Quality Coun-cil, which asks universities

to distinguish themselves by abandoning efforts to do everything and picking only a limited number of specialties.

While most provincially funded universities have responded by initiating cuts to humanities and liberal arts programming,

Trent has taken a markedly different route—replacing its old insignia and logos with familiar communist tropes.

The sign adorning the entranceway to the main Symon’s campus has shift-ed from “Learning to make a world of difference,” to

“Towards a glorious rev-olution.”

Flags atop Bata Li-brary and Gzowski Col-lege now bear the iconic imagery of Che Guevara, the famed revolutionary figure that gained inter-national notoriety during the Cuban Revolution.

Trent University’s De-partment of Information, formerly the communica-tions office, issued a Uni-versity-wide statement on Friday announcing the decision.

“Trent was built with the generous support of the local proletariat,” the statement reads.

“The time has come to honour the great sacrific-es of Peterborough work-ers while we position our community on the vanguard of progressive

by Clara Zetkin

TrENT DEClArES ITSElF MArxIST INSITuTIONuniversity adopts long-held stereotype to develop market niche

tional expansion related snafus.“We’ve reached a consensus

within the Board of Governors that growth without thought really just doesn’t work,” said a Trent board member on Tuesday. “The province of Ontario also seems to be revers-ing its earlier, stalwart position.”

The announcement of alternative housing options at Trent comes after a pitched debate within the commu-nity over the issue of a private resi-dence, to be built and operated by

a private corporation on University endowment lands.

“It became clear that chasing only a $1 million payment in exchange for what essentially amounted to a permanent sale of the land through the creation of a 99-year lease just wasn’t a very good deal for Trent,” reads an additional statement issued by the Board of Governors.

The policies are attributed to for-mer Ontario Premier Mike Harris, whose so-called ‘Common Sense

Revolution’ was a source of prov-ince-wide controversy during his time in political office.

“We’ve realized that austerity for our education system makes no sense,” said a spokesperson from the Ontario Ministry of Training, Colleges and Universities. “The days of common-sense are over.”

NEW TRENT MARKETING MATERIALS FEATURING SYMBOLS OF COMMUNISM

Volume 1 | Issue 1 | March 28, 2011 Arnold page 4

Feature

Volume 1 | Issue 1 | March 28, 2011 Arnold page 5

AIN’T N

O rub

bEr Du

CKIE Arnold staff reporters sat down

with a mallard duck this month to get the toxic scoop on Alberta’s

Duck: Absolutely not. Nothing can make up for the full-blown environmental catastrophe that has flowed from the lack of care undertaken by these industry giants. It is ludicrous to think that you can place a monetary value on the envi-ronment, particularly when it is paid to the government and, thus, it will likely just travel back into the tar sands in the form of investments and tax breaks for the bigtime pollut-ers.

A: Where do you see the gov-

ernment’s role in all this?

D: Well, I’ve certainly seen some of the television ads the Alberta government has produced that paint a pretty picture of this supposedly “pristine” land-scape. They even go so far as to feature some of my relatives as promotional devices, and I tell you what, they were never com-pensated or gave their permis-sion for that audacious form of inclusion. It’s all just such a farce really, and just another way that the natural environ-ment is deployed as a market-ing ploy when it serves the in-terests of corporations and the governments that increasingly prop them up. Meanwhile the stream of pollutants continues to flow into the water table and all aspects of the environment.

A: How do you think we can get people to consider the environ-ment when there seems to be a general fixation on the idea of ensuring the prosperity of the economy?

D: Well, I think it’s important to recognize that we’re all strug-gling in these tough times. But I also think it is crucial that people get their ostrich heads out of the sand at some point (for the record, I have nothing

In October 2010, an Alberta judge ruled in favour of fin-ing Syncrude Canada Ltd. $3.2 million for causing the death of over 1,600 ducks. The deaths were caused by the company’s failure to properly monitor, protect, and contain a large tailings pond used as a depository from tar sands re-lated waste products. Arnold sat down with a duck to get the full scoop on the issue from the perspective of those who are very rarely recognized.

Arnold: How do you feel about the recent $3.2 million fine levied against Syncrude? Is this a sufficient form of compensa-tion?

Volume 1 | Issue 1 | March 28, 2011 Arnold page 6

against ostriches). There needs to be some eventual recogni-tion that if the economy takes precedence over finding a more healthy balance with the natu-ral systems that support us, and which we actually require for survival, then at some point there won’t be anything left to secure our continued existence. People might think there will be a magical technological fix somewhere over the horizon, but that is a pretty dubious so-lution to a problem that has been in the works for well over 500 years, or more. Besides, it won’t matter if there are jobs when you can’t breath the air,

drink the water, or eat any of the food. It’ll be a pretty quick withdraw from Bay Street in Toronto when that finally hap-pens…

A: Well thanks for taking the time out of your busy migration schedule to have a chat with us at Arnold.

D: Anytime.

Over the years, a shrink-ing pile of coveted tenure teaching positions has al-lowed administrators to rise to the top of the eco-nomic pyramid within the campus community.

This changed substantial-ly last week after a coalition of students and contract faculty forced high-paid administrative staffww into accepting a pay cut in z to fund teaching positions.

“Gone are the days of lu-crative private health care packages and free cars for Trent University presi-dents,” chanted an exuber-ant crowd of about 300 students, who assembled March 27 on Bata Podium in celebration of their vic-tory.

The chants referred to the generous, University-paid benefit packages that selective Trent presidents

have enjoyed through their negotiated contracts. Job perks have typically in-cluded access to a free car, private medical exams, and guaranteed tenure follow-ing the conclusion of the presidential term.

“I guess those members of the administration will just have to pull up their boot straps and live like the rest of us,” noted a contract faculty member who spoke with Arnold on the condi-tion of anonymity.

“I know that the wait times in most public hos-pitals are long and taking public transit isn’t always the most convenient, but it is a legitimate sacrifice for Trent to actually operate as a University by, you know, having classes with teachers to fill them.”

The pay concessions re-verse planned cuts total-ing $2.9 million, the brunt of which would have been

shouldered by academic workers such as contract faculty and teaching as-sistants whose contracts would not face the possibil-ity of renewal.

Reductions to academic programming have also been averted through ad-ministrative reshuffling, al-lowing many departments to recoup lost courses that have been recurrently chopped in lieu of repeated cost-cutting occurring over previous academic years.

Other efforts to slash the administrative budget include no longer having regular meetings catered by Aramark, the corpo-rate food provider Trent contracts with for food services. Administrators have been encouraged to bring their own brown bag lunches and snacks instead.

ADMINISTrATOrS ACCEpT pAy CuT, TEACHINg pOSITIONS FuNDEDeconomic hierarchies dramatically reshuffledby Dee Major

briefs‘Trent 8’ memorialized with commemorative plaque

A plaque honoring the activism of a group of eight students that oc-cupied the VP Academic’s office in 2001 has been placed on the en-tranceway to Lady Eaton College.

“This plaque formerly acknowl-edges the courageous efforts of Trent students in bringing attention to the University’s history of poor decision-making within the new millennium,” the inscription reads.

The actual occupation was held to address a number of issues, in-cluding college closures and un-democratic practices within the University.

Former Trent president wins award

On March 20, former Trent University president Bonnie Patterson (MLIS) was awarded the prestigious ‘Ig Nobel’ Prize for achievements in the library sciences.

Patterson has been accred-ited for scoring record profits for her work in restructuring libraries to operate as privately run corporations.

The satirical Ig Nobel prizes are awarded each year to hon-our ‘achievements’ in unusual or trivial scientific research.

Mayor donates homePeterborough Mayor Daryl

Bennett has donated his person-al home for conversation into a public housing facility serving low-income residents.

The commodious, 5000 square foot home will be re-modeled to accommodate a to-tal of five families, according to blueprints.

Volume 1 | Issue 1 | March 28, 2011 Arnold page 7

Volume 1 | Issue 1 | March 28, 2011 Arnold page 8

CommunityRunners are a common sight in Peterborough. Teams

of colourfully-jacketed individuals sporting the latest in running attire regularly flood the streets at all hours, during all seasons.

But now there is cause for concern. Arnold has veri-fied reports that the city’s several local running clubs have organized into a militant splinter group demand-ing an end to winter through the intensification of cli-mate change.

Arnold obtained exclusive video footage of the run-ning group, who are calling themselves the Joggers Alli-ance of Winter (JAW). The raw video features a masked spokesperson outlining the organizations various de-mands.

“Everyday, for approximately four months of the year, we joggers risk certain peril by running on the icy streets of this city,” the unknown man aggressively states.

“The city of Peterborough must immediately revoke their by-law that vilifies idling in private automo-biles. Failure to act will result in swift punishment by our growing membership.”

The group is also calling for the conversion of the Quaker Oats factory on Hunter Street to a coal-fired energy generating station and the scrapping of incen-tives for green-energy investment.

According to JAW’s unnamed spokesperson, Pe-terborough’s long winters specifically target and op-press joggers that are courageous enough to brave the streets.

He added that although the city does their best to clear the sidewalks following snowfall, few efforts are victorious against the onslaught of old man winter.

JAW has reportedly put out a bounty for the cap-ture of old man winter and the resident climate change activists. STOCK FOOTAGE SHOWING WINTER JOGGERS RUNNING

WINTEr JOggErS THrEATEN CITy, ENVIrONMENTby Adam Zapal

Peterborough’s city coun-cil voted unanimously last week to criminalize the use of private vehicles and in-vest heavily in public tran-sit infrastructure.

The legislative move comes after it was deter-

mined—through facts and science— that public tran-sit represents the most ef-ficient, cost-effective, so-cially and environmentally responsible means of travel within the city.

Speaking on behalf of the municipal government,

Public Relations Director Laura McGillis said that the decision arrived at “just the right time to make Peter-borough a destination town for the sustainable ‘green’ economy of tomorrow.”

The plan will funnel $20 million into expanding the city’s public transportation system, including the rein-troduction of light rail tran-sit to the cities downtown core and suburban neigh-

borhoods.A statement from the Pe-

terborough and Lakefield Community Police depart-ment warns that violators of the law, defined as those travelling for non-essential reasons, will be subjected to fines.

CITy COuNCIl AbOlISHES prIVATE CArS, INVESTS IN publIC TrANSITby Chris P. Bacon

ARIES: Today you find yourselves at a crossroads within your ideology. You will find yourself pulling further and further to the left, which will be accompanied by feelings of uncertainty and fear. Do not feel distressed. Big brother will help.

TAURUS: The time has come for you to lay down your horns, dear Taurus. It is very important that you maintain some composure and open yourself up to the benefits of peaceful thinking and action. Make art, not war.

GEMINI: Your confidence supersedes reality today, Gemini. You may feel as though the vanguard will carry you to the lofty heights of righteousness, but the larger problem is the gap between theory and action. Ground yourself within the basics and make sure that your actions speak louder than words.

CANCER: The revolution is growing tiresome of your self-victimizing tendencies, Cancer. Speak up, be proud, and recognize your own agency. But at all times, just remember: be accountable and move beyond the protective confines of your shell.

LEO: Your gratuitous self-stroking of your ego has become a problem. The successes you have experienced, although exemplary of your charm and intellect, have been lost to the problem of image over substance. Shave that mane and open yourself up to divergent positions.

VIRGO: The tendency for your efforts to collapse into obsessive-compulsive criticism of everything in existence makes you unapproachable this week. Remember to breath deeply, drink water, and be compassionate in your efforts to bring tensions to light. You’re great, but the Beatles did say, “love is all you need.” Keep that in mind.

LIbRA: Achieving balance in life represents one of your biggest life goals, Libra. You have to be careful, however, that your commitment to equilibrium doesn’t lead you to sit on the fence at moments that really call for your more active engagement.

SCORpIO: Your calm and cool outside does not sufficiently hide your soft and mushy inside. We all know that you are an incredibly passionate person, and the aloof performance is just a guise. Use those pincers to get a grasp on your feeling function.

SAGITTARIUS: The love of travel that you experience does not represent the balm that removes your privilege. In whatever context, space, or environment you find yourself within during the course of the week, just make sure you are aware of your own presence.

CApRICORN: Your efforts to take over the world will fall apart this week when you realize that domination of everything and everyone is an untenable option in life. It is time that you realize that redistribution is the key to a peaceable existence.

AqUARIUS: You can’t play on all sides, all the time, Aquarius. At some point during this week you will have to commit yourself to one direction while also maintaining your adept quality of approaching issues with an open mind. Just make sure that open mind doesn’t lead you too far astray.

pIECES: Something stinks in your neighborhood this week, and it has nothing to do with your fishy ways. Its time to perform some much-needed spring-cleaning and get out all the cobwebs that have been clouding your vision.

Volume 1 | Issue 1 | March 28, 2011 Arnold page 9

HOrOSCOpES

CrOSSWOrD

Credit: ProProfs Brain Games