8/3/2019 Argosy April 2, 2009

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I n d e p e n d e n t S t u d e n t J o u r n a l o f M o u n t A l l i s o n U n i v e r s i t y

narchy April 2, 2009

In poor taste since pretty much always

Vol. 138 Iss. 21

The

In an unexpected move last week,

Mount Saint Allisons food provider,

Errormark, took a huge step forward

in their quest to make Lemmings

Meal Hall as eco-friendly as it can be,

by making plates no longer available

at dining facilities on campus.

e school administration has

applauded Errormark on this move,

calling it an example for the rest of

the school, and potentially the basisfor a new video contest.

Its innovative thinking like this

that really makes our university stand

out, said Mt. St. A President Cobert

Ramble.

e move, however, has had some

unfortunate consequences; every

flat surface in Lemmings has been

commissioned as a pseudo-plate, with

sneeze guards, wall tiles and the clock

among the first to go.

Campus police are actively

checking students for plates, cutlery,

and Tupperware on their way into

meal hall. And with every available

plate option taken, many students

have been bringing backpacks into

Lemmings under the pretense of

studying while in fact using their

books as plates.

Professors are not pleased with this

turn of events.

First they come late to lab because

the clock is gone, their lab manuals

are covered in spaghetti when the

finally get here, and then when they

leave, all of my beakers are gone!

Plateless diningEnvironmental reasons cited as food providers removal of plates

Sara Saturday RogersFood fight initiator

remarked one irate professor.

e lack of plates has also caused

other problems at meal hall. Packs

of students have been seen scurrying

away from Lemmings at full speed

in fear of the food fights that have

become common this past week.

Its food rage, you know? Someone

diving for that last sandwich will

accidentally knoc k someones food out

of their hands, and before you know

it, its a war zone! said one student,

whose name was lost when he was hit

by a flying sloppy joe.In a strange twist, however, the

removal of plates has actually brought

commerce students out of hiding.

Drawn away from their plasma TVs

by force of the fact that the TVs

were stolen as plates, theyve taken

the lead role in organizing the black

market sale of paper plates, and the

conversion of many residence lounges

into illegal restaurants.

And food isnt the only thing

disappearing from meal hall now.

With more backpacks getting into

meal hall, larger and larger items

have been disappearing, including

meat slicers, grills, and the entire ice

cream cart. e whereabouts of these

items is currently unknown, but it is

suspected that they have been put to

use in the residence restaurants.

Still, the removal of plates hasnt

been all bad. Students have shown

a remarkable cooperation in the

development of a three-second rule

for drinking from the faucet of the

drink dispensers. Faculty have also

noticed a huge increase in the turn-

out to guest lectures, since plates

and cutlery are still provided at the

receptions that follow them. e most

well-attended lecture of the week

was for the Presidents Marathon of

Lectures on the environment.

And for the first time ever,

Bagtown is facing a huge shortage of

off-campus housing, while residences

are reporting record low numbers of

returning students.

Both the town and the university

are thrilled by this development. Mt.

St. A can take in a record number

of new students for the fall, and the

town has approved a proposal for a

new apartment building, standing a

record five stories tall.

While the administration and

town are delighted by the concept,

its uncertain how many more of these

changes students will take. Incensed

students from the newly-formed

group DISH held a protest outside

of the library yesterday, encouraging

students to question Errormarks

real motive in eliminating plates and

cutlery. e protest ended tragically

when the student, dressed as a plate,

was carried off by a hoard of hungry

freshmen.

Meanwhile, buoyed by the

overwhelming support from the

university and environmental groups,

Errormark is looking into the

feasibility of removing tables from

meal hall. ough there is no official

word, all signs point towards this

policy being implemented soon.

Jizzica Semin

Errormark will no longer be providing plates. Students have been using any and every imaginable flat

surface for their breakfast, lunch and supper.

Pope endorses pulling outBenadryl XVI visits Bagtown, stands byanti-condom statement

Julio MandarezDevout Catholic

Abigail Franklin

During a brief press conference in

Bagtown this week, Pope Benadryl

XVI stood behind his recent statementthat condoms are not the solution to

the HIV problem.

AIDS is a worldwide crisis, he

said at the conference. We need to

combat it in a way thats accessible

and affordable to everyone.

He listed condoms among the

least accessible strategies for HIV

prevention.

e only plausible solution,

reasoned Benadryl, is to educate the

general population on the benefits of

pulling out.

Pulling out is a time-honoured

tradition, he stated. Its reliable,

fun, and 100 per cent effective against

diseases.

e Popes initial denouncement of

condoms was met with criticism and

aggression worldwide, with health

officials and HIV specialists accusing

the Pope of distorting the issue andcausing immeasurable harm to the

anti-AIDS initiative.

In an effort to better explain his

standpoint, the Pope recently set out

on his ongoing worldwide media tour,

which will include four stops in North

America.

During his stay in Bagtown, the

Pope went on to denounce condoms

as totally lame, with particular

emphasis on the evils of french

ticklers.

e global response to this latest

stance remains to be seen, but the

Pope expects that his more recent

statements will be well received.