Apologies In Difficult Situations - Family Access Fighting For … · 2021. 1. 24. · ―Harriet Lerner Robin M. Deutsch, AFCC Webinar , Apologies, 1‐19‐21 Limits of Apologies:

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Apologies In Difficult Family SituationsRobin M. Deutsch, Ph.D., ABPP

Independent Practice

Wellesley, MA

[email protected]

Robin M. Deutsch, AFCC Webinar , Apologies, 1‐19‐21

Learning Objectives

• Participants will describe how apology can repair and foster positive relationships

• Participants will identify limits of apology

• Participants will explain the steps of an effective apology


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Resolving Conflict

• Apologies can be the first step in repairing broken trust and can pave the way for future productive communication.


Problems in close interpersonal relationships

• Can result in:

• Psychological distress and depression (Snyder, Heyman, Haynes, Balderrama‐Durbin, 2018)

• Physical health difficulties, e.g. cardiovascular, endocrine and immune function (Wright, B., & Loving, T. ,2011).


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Exercise: Think ofApologizing to someone you hurt deeply


The context

The act

The timing

The place

The Power of an Apology

• There is growing attention in the literature about the potential power of apologies for repairing relationships (Lewis, Parra & Cohen, 2015).

• Apologies have the potential to restore damaged relationships, mitigate loss of face, and preserve social standing.


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Purpose of Apologies

• Delivering an apology is a fundamental and validating process as it reassures the victim that they are not at fault for the transgressor’s actions.

• Apologies allow victims to regain their dignity and their sense of self‐worth (White, 2006).


Apology Defined

• An apology is defined as an act that follows a transgression wherein the transgressor recognizes the role they played in the incident and accepts responsibility for their actions, while expressing remorse to the victim (Ely & Gleason 2006).

• Apologies may motivate and facilitate forgiveness (Exline, Deshea & Holeman, 2007; Fehr & Gelfand, 2010)‐ but that is not the goal


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Apologies Reduce Anger

• Unresolved conflict can lead to anger that festers, producing resentment in the individual, thus leading to a greater degree of suffering (Daicoff, 2013; Ohbuchi, Agarie, & Kameda, 1989).

• Apologies can reduce levels of anger, helping victims move on from the negative experience.


An apology is about Repairing Relationships

• An apology can successfully decrease the aggressive feelings experienced by victims and can contribute to a more favorable perception of the transgressor (Ohbuchi, Agarie, & Kameda, 1989; Ohbuchi & Sato, 1994).

• The process of offering an apology can allow the transgressor to understand that they are inherently a good person who has committed an act that they can avoid in the future


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Apology, really?


Does the apologizer believe they are at least partially responsible?

Do they take responsibility for harm?

Do they feel regret?

Parents Apologizing

• When a parent apologizes to their child, they are modeling empathy, remorse and responsibility towards the child, leading to a more secure parent‐child attachment (Ruckstaetter, Sells, Newmeyere & Zink, 2017; Smith & Harris, 2011).

• Repairing ruptures between parent and child can lead to the child experiencing an enhanced understanding of self, while aiding in their capacity to regulate their emotions (Ruckstaetter, Sells, Neymeyer & Zink, 2017).


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• “People's sense of self worth is pivotal to their ability to look clearly at the hurt they've caused. The more solid one's sense of self regard, the more likely that that person can feel empathy and compassion for the hurt party, and apologize from an authentic center.”

― Harriet Lerner


Limits of Apologies:

saying sorry may not be

enough

Robin M

. Deutsch

, AFCC W

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s, 1‐19‐21

• Apologies do not always result in greater levels of forgiveness

• When the transgression is perceived as deliberate by the victim or when the victim believes that the transgressor is likely to commit a similar act in the future (Gold & Weiner, 2000).

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Limits of Apology in

Divorce

Robin M

. Deutsch

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• Insincere apologies when used strategically to control or manipulate ‐‐ to try to win or get something, can wreak havoc on divorce negotiations and damage already fragile relationships (Ross, 2014)

Limits of Apology

Robin M

. Deutsch

, AFCC W

ebinar , A

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s, 1‐19‐21

• Personality traits of the individual receiving the apology can impact the success of the apology process.

• Apologies may not have their intended effect when they are delivered to individuals with defensive self‐esteem in comparison to those with secure self‐esteem (Eaton, Struthers, Shomrony & Santelli, 2007)

• Apologies can create the opposite effect in this population of individuals; making this group less forgiving and more likely to engage in retaliation.

• Apologies can be so simple and so complicating – they disrupt the system

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Components of apology

Acknowledgement of wrongdoing

• Recognition of need to make amends or restore dynamics of relationship

• Attaches value to relationship

Acceptance of responsibility

Expression of remorse

Offer of compensation

• Beyond guilt to making amends

Message not to commit transgression again

• Possibly facilitate forgiveness and relationship repair (Davis & Gold, 2011)


Another view of apology (Slocum, Allan & Allan, 2011)

• Affect, affirmation and actionProcess that consists of one or more of these components:

• Self focus (on part of apologizer)

• Such as regret (affect) and

• Take responsibility for behavior and explain it (affirmation) which can lead to a shared empathy

• Restitution/compensation (action)

• Self‐other focus

• Such as remorse (affect)

• Showing the wrongdoer was hurting and understood the wronged’s hurt (e.g. whish I hadn’t done it; wish I could undo it)

• Showing an understanding of consequences –kind of hurt (affirmation)

• Go out of their way to show they mean it (action); show they mean what they say

Each component has 2 categories


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Is Sorry Enough?

• Simple apologies appear to lack sincerity and are deficient in addressing the core elements of an adequate apology, namely accepting responsibility, promising restraint in the future and offering restitution (Reyna, 2014).


Tips for Apologies

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Tips for Apologies


In instances where such encounter is not feasible, a letter, video or

statement that is delivered can be a substitute (Smith, 2013).

Face‐to‐face means are ideal when delivering an apology

Tips for Apologies

Robin M

. Deutsch

, AFCC W

ebinar , A

pologie

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• Apologies need to be about the other party and not themselves — about their intentions, thoughts, and feelings. These don’t work:

• “I didn’t mean to…”

• “I was trying to…”• “I didn’t realize…”• “I had a good reason…”

• An apology is to think of yourself less and the other person more

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Getting Ready for apology

Robin M

. Deutsch

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• The bad thing you did does not define who you are

• Working with a little shame is doable

• Shame should not define the whole person

• An apology is a means of taking responsibility for that bad thing which is integrated into the whole person‐ it is not the whole

• Forgiveness is really for me

• Apology is for both of us• Both can set you free


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•When you say the word 'sorry' make sure you understand that an apology has 3 parts. "I'm sorry", "It's my fault and I won't do it again" and "How can I make things better". The last part is the most important.”

―Manasa Rao Saarloos


The Apology Template

1. Expressing Regret – Saying, “I am sorry.”

2. Accepting Responsibility – Admitting, “I was wrong.”

3. Making Restitution – Committing, “I will make it right.”

4. Genuinely Repenting – Promising, “I will not do that again.”

***5. Requesting Forgiveness – Asking, “Will you forgive me?”

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Examples of apologiesin families

Apology Session

Robin M

. Deutsch

, AFCC W

ebinar , A

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Should be viewed a ‘process’, not a one‐ time event.

• ”I want to apologize for the things that I’ve done to make you feel scared, or unsafe. I suspect that I’ll need to apologize many times over, and I will do that. I hope that you can hear me. I will continue to learn how I can be the kind of parent that you need, and deserve”.

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Parent to child


Leah, I want to tell you how very sorry I am for hurting you and your mom. I know that by hurting your mom, I hurt you. You saw us fight and I know it

was frightening for you.

I have worked very hard to get better and to understand how my behavior affected you. I cannot undo what happened and I so regret my behavior.

I want you to know that I will never again hurt you or your mom You have told me you are afraid of me, that I might hurt you or mommy again. I

promise you I wont.

I love you and will not put you through this ever again. I

don’t want you to worry about being hurt by me

again.


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Parents and Children Apology

Marco and Juliana,

Your daddy and I have been talking together and we want you to know that we are so

sorry we put you in the middle of our anger at

each other.

We know we both have hurt you. We have both said bad things about

each other and we both wanted you to believe those bad things. That was wrong and hurtful.


You have two parents who love you very much. We know we caused you so much stress. We don’t want you to feel like you have to choose one of us. We know having two parents who love and care for you

is what you deserve.

So we want you to know we have both done some hurtful things that

are wrong. We got divorced because we needed different things in our lives. It was not any one

thing or one person’s fault. We did not want you to divorce either one

of us.


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Neither of us was fair or thoughtful in telling you such bad things about the other. We

want you to know we love you and we want you to have two parents who love and care

about you.

This might be confusing to you after all we have each said to you.

We now understand our anger got in the

way of doing what is best for you and our family. We

don’t want you to suffer anymore or to feel you have to

choose.

We promise to be different and not to put you in the middle of us or

make you choose. We hope you will feel less stressed and freer to have time with and

love from both of us.

In Summary:

• Listen with an open heart

• Share the pain

• Make it deep, heartfelt

• Trying on the other’s pain

• Take responsibility• Specific• Capture the other’s truth• I understand how I hurt you

• Sometimes apologies must be repeated –over and over


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Thank you

[email protected]


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References Apologies in Difficult Family Situations

AFCC Webinar January 19, 2021

Robin M. Deutsch, Ph.D., ABPP

Daicoff, S. (2013). Apology, forgiveness, reconciliation and therapeutic jurisprudence. Pepperdine Dispute Resolution, 13, 131-180.

Davis, J. R., & Gold, G. J. (2011). An examination of emotional empathy, attributions of stability, and the link between perceived remorse and forgiveness. Personality and Individual Differences, 50, 392–397.

Exline, J. J., Deshea, L., & Holeman, V. T. (2007). Is apology worth the risk? Predictors, outcomes, and ways to avoid regret. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 26(4), 479–504. https://doi.org/10.1521/jscp.2007.26.4.479

Fehr, R., & Gelfand, M. J. (2010). When apologies work: How matching apology components to victims’ self-construals facilitates forgiveness. Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes, 113(1), 37–50. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.obhdp.2010.04.002

Fidler, BJ. , Deutsch, R.M., Polak, S. (2019). “How am I supposed to treat these cases?” Working with families struggling with entrenched parent-child contact problems: a Hybrid case. In In L. Greenberg, B. Fidler & M. Saini, Evidence-Informed Interventions for Court-Involved Families New York: Oxford University Press.

Freedman, G., Burgoon, E.M., Ferrell, J.D., Pennebaker, J.W. &. Beer, J.S. (2017). When saying sorry may not help: The Impact of apologies on social rejections.Frontiers in Psychology, 8, 1375.

Gregg J. Gold & Bernard Weiner (2000) Remorse, Confession, Group Identity, and Expectancies About Repeating a Transgression, Basic and Applied Social Psychology, 22:4, 291-300, DOI: 10.1207/S15324834BASP2204_3

Judge, A. M. & Deutsch, R.M. (2017). Overcoming parent-child contact problems. New York: Oxford.

Lewis, J.T., Parra, G.R., Cohen, R. (2015). Apologies in close relationships: A Review of theory and research. Journal of Family theory 7 Review, 7 (1), 47-61.

Ohbuchi, K.-i., Kameda, M., & Agarie, N. (1989). Apology as aggression control: Its role in mediating appraisal of and response to harm. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 56(2), 219–227. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.56.2.219

Additional Handouts

Ruckstaetter, J., Sells, J., Neymeyer, M. D. & Zink, D. (2017). Parental apologies, empathy, shame, guilt and attachment: A path analysis. Journal of Counseling and Development, 95, 1-10. Slocum, D., Allan, A., & Allan, M. A. (2011). An emerging theory of apology. Australian Journal of Psychology, 63, 83–92. Snyder D.K., Heyman R.E., Haynes S.N., Balderrama-Durbin C. (2018) Couple Distress in Couple and Family Therapy. In: Lebow J., Chambers A., Breunlin D. (eds) Encyclopedia of Couple and Family Therapy. Springer, Cham. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-15877-8_192-1 Wright, B.L. & Loving, T.J. (2011). Health implications of conflict in close relationships. Social and Personality Psychology Compass(8), 552-562.

Documents

Apologies In Difficult Situations - Family Access Fighting For … · 2021. 1. 24. · ―Harriet Lerner Robin M. Deutsch, AFCC Webinar , Apologies, 1‐19‐21 Limits of Apologies: