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“The Three Little Pigs” By Edith Weiss The Denver Post new-play sampling series

AT THE BACKSTAGE THEATRE July 1-23, 2011 121 S. Ridge St., Breckenridge, 970-453-0199 or backstagetheatre.org SYNOPSIS: Higgelty, Piggety and Hamlet are three devil may care pigs who spend their days avoiding work. Things change when Buzz the Turkey Buzzard convinces Rolf, a tender hearted and lonely wolf, to become the Biggity Bad and capture the pigs. With rapping, old time songs with new lyrics, run for your life chases, and even some Shakespeare thrown in, plus a surprise ending. CHARACTER LIST: Higgelty: The oldest of the three, usually the boss of the 3 pigs. Lazy Piggelty: She’s the one most prone to make trouble; lazy, bratty, has an affinity for lying. Hamlet: New to the farm, he’s trying to fit in but his Shakespearean way of speaking makes that difficult. Buzzard: An unscrupulous turkey buzzard who tries to be extremely cool. The Farmer (Maggie): Short on patience, she’s trying to keep the farm going by herself.

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Biggity Bad Wolf (Rolfie): A tender hearted and lonely wolf who is desperate to get back in the wolf pack, and therefore easily manipulated Freckles the Bull: A scary bull who lives on the farm. Can be a puppet, or played by the other actors. Appears only twice.

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The Three Little Pigs (Scene : a pigpen. Three pigs asleep in it. We see the entrance of a house UPLEFT. Sounds of farm tranquility: birds, horses, cow, then the loud sound of the Rooster. PIGS wake up. To the tune of O My Darling Clementine - note: HAMLET sings “oh yon farmer” instead of ‘Oh the farmer’) HIG: In the barnyard In a pigpen Singing us a lazy song Dwelt three piglets Kinda misfits Who do nothing all day long ALL: Oh the farmer oh the farmer Oh the farmer she is fine Gives us food and lots of water Like she oughter for her swine PIG: Cows are milking hens are laying Busy busy all the day Cept us Piglets Who are misfits Rollin in the dirty hay HAMLET: It gets boring in the morning And it is till evening time I’m so weary it gets dreary Doing nothing in the grime ALL: Oh the farmer oh the farmer Oh the farmer she is fine Gives us food and lots of water Like she oughter for her swine PIG: It’s the workin’ we are shirkin’ We are living in our prime Don’t get crazy cause we’re lazy No that ain’t no barnyard crime. ALL:

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Oh the farmer oh the farmer Oh the farmer she is fine Gives us food and lots of water Like she oughter for her swine (PAUSE: ALL sigh, so bored) HAMLET: Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace from day to day, to the last syllable of recorded time- HIG: You talk too much, Hamlet. It’s all you ever do, blah blah blah. HAM: Then, if music be the food of love, sing on! PIG: I don’t want to sing no more. Too hard. HIG: No time. HAM: Mayhaps we could walk, find a nice mudhole in the woods- PIG: (making some sort of ‘razzberry’ noise) Bleeeecccchhh. HIG: That means no. PIG: I know what we should do. Let’s sneak into the house. HAM: Piggelty! We are expressly forbidden to enter yon house. HIG: You scared? PIG: Come on. The farmer’s wife went to the market, let’s hurry before she gets back. HIG: There’s so much cool stuff in the house. You wouldn’t believe the delicious people food they have in there. (On ‘delicious people food’ the BUZZARD pops up, watching with binoculars, unseen by pigs) PIG: And they have this thing you roll around on, called a couch. And a big box with pictures that move! Right inside it! It’s amazing! HAMLET: I am tempted. HIG: Then come on! HAMLET: Let me just screw my courage to the sticking point.

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HIG & PIG: What? HAMLET: There. I’m screwed . Let’s go. (they sneak into the house. We hear laughing, clattering, banging and things falling. ENTER BUZZ the turkey buzzard, goes to the pigpen and starts rooting around for food, gnawing on corn cobs etc) BUZZ: (to audience) What are you looking at? So I eat stuff I find… so ? So what? I’m a turkey buzzard. It’s what we do. I wish someone would get those pigs for me…that would be tasty. Pigmeat! So tasty. So darn yummy in my big buzzard tummy. Don’t judge me. It’s in my nature. HIG: (OFF) Piggelty, you can’t put that in a blender! BUZZ: Pork fat smoothies. Yum. Someone’s gotta get those pigs for me. Gotta go. Gotta pay a visit to the Big Bad Wolf. Stealthy and smooth. (EXIT BUZZ. We hear the SOUND of a BLENDER crunching stuff up and exploding) PIGS: (running on) WHOAAAAAA! HIG: What a mess! PIG: That was so cool! Let’s do it again! Come on! HAM: Nay, ‘tis wrong – HIG: You scared? HAM: (reluctant) No. HIG: Come on! (we hear the CREAKING of a door) HIG: It’s the farmer! PIG: Hide, hide! (SOUNDS of running, furniture getting overturned) FARMER: (OFF) What is going on – oh lands sakes alive! Higgelty! Get out! Get out of this house, you darned pig!

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HIGGELTY, (runs on from the house, oinking and squealing, runs DSL trying to hide) FARMER: (OFF) You too, Piggelty! No pigs in the house! Get out! (PIGGELTY seems to be pushed out, then walks, offended, oinking and squealing, to pigpen. She has two big rolls of toilet paper, a bag of popcorn, which she frantically eats, and sunblock, which she hides in the pigpen) FARMER: (OFF) Does nobody ever listen to what I say? Hamlet….get out from under the couch…(we hear oinking) I will not have pigs in the house! (HAMLET stumbles out, looking dazed, confused, guilty) HAMLET: Oink! What a rogue and peasant pig am I. Maggie the farmer is so full of anger- “Out, out darn pig!’ she cries. Forsooth, did I not say we were not allowed in yon house? PIG: Do you have to talk like that, Hamlet? Just say ‘I told you so’ like any normal pig. FARMER: (Entering) You darn pigs! Higgelty, I know you’re hiding in the corn! Get out of the corn! The house is wrecked! And all the toilet paper in the house is gone! Why? Why do pigs need toilet paper? Well? What do you have to say for yourselves? PIG: It wasn’t us in the house. We were out here the whole time. FARMER: Lying, little Piggelty, only makes things worse. I just chased you out of the house, remember? I won’t abide it. Higgelty, why were you in the house? HIG: It’s cool in the house. It’s so hot out here. HAMLET: Indeed. And we have not sweat glands …mayhaps we were in danger most dire out here. FARMER: Don’t make excuses, Hamlet, with your fancy talk. Mayhaps you could’ve used the water pump to make a puddle in there! HAMLET: (ashamed) Tis so true. I am shamed. FARMER: As well you should be. PIG: You’re nothing but a kiss-up Hamlet. FARMER’S WIFE: Higgelty and Piggelty? You couldn’t of pumped some water? HIG: No time.

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PIG: Too hard. HAMLET: (raising his hand, smarting from the ‘kiss up’ insult) If I may?..... FARMER: Go ahead, Hamlet. HAMLET: The food in yon house is fit for the gods. Begging your pardon, but the food out here is quite like slop. FARMER: It is slop. You’re pigs. Pigs eat pig slop. HIG: There’s corn chips, and caramel corn and popcorn in the house. PIG: It’s delicious. But I didn’t eat any. (inadvertently holds up bag of popcorn) FARMER: Give me that. That is people corn! This is pig corn! (holds up a barely eaten ear of corn) I feed you corn. There’s corn right here! You’ve barely touched your corn. HIG: We like your corn better. FARMER: What am I going to do with you three darned pigs? HIG: Why did we even get a third pig? Me and Piggelty were fine by ourselves. Now there’s three pigs, and the pigpen’s too crowded. So it’s all Hamlet’s fault. PIG: Yeah. It’s so crowded in here. Even if he is a runt, there’s no room for him in here. HIG: And what kind of a name is Hamlet? PIG: Yeah! A pig named Ham-let? That’s like naming me Baconette. HIG: Or Pork Souie. It’s just wrong. HAMLET: My previous owner named me. ‘Tis a proud family name. PIG: “ ‘Tis?” Who says ‘tis’? It’s not normal. HAMLET: Lo, my feelings have been wounded. PIG: Lo?! See how he talks? Who can stand that all day long? Why’d you bring him here? FARMER: Because he’s a truffle pig, and he’s going to teach you how to dig for truffles and be true truffle pigs. HIG: Truffles? What are truffles?

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PIG: And why do we have to dig em? You’re the one who wants them. FARMER: Because truffles are a mushroom that grow under the ground – (HAMLET has raised his hand) Yes, Hamlet? HAMLET: They’re actually a fungus, not a mushroom. FARMER: Thank you Hamlet. And since pigs have a great sense of smell, you smell where they are and dig em out with your snouts. HIG: Fungus?! You want us to dig for fungus? That stuff you get on your feet? PIG: With our noses?! Dig for foot fungus with our noses!? Methinks no way, as goofy Hamlet would say. FARMER: It’s not the same as foot fungus. It’s people food-highly prized and expensive people food that I will sell. It’s about time you earned your keep around here! HIG: Oh just turn me into a slab of bacon and get it over with. HAMLET: Please don’t. He speaks in haste. FARMER: I would if I could but I can’t. Were it up to me, you’d be bacon for breakfast, hot dogs for lunch, and pork chops for dinner. But I promised the Farmer– God rest his soul- that I would never do that. But you pigs have got to do some work around here! And pigs are made to snuffle in the dirt. H & P: Ew. HAMLET: Yes! FARMER: Sticking your snout in the ground and rooting around- PIG: Bleeeecccchhh. FARMER: You worthless useless disrespectful pigs! Go and don’t come back until you have a big bag of truffles! (FARMER EXITS INTO HOUSE., PIGS MOAN AND GROAN) PIG: She’s so mad! Why is the Farmer always so mad? HIG: This day could not get any worse.

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HAMLET: Let’s do it, pigs, if it’s to be done. Pigs are neither lazy nor dumb. What a piece of work is pig! How noble in reason! How infinite in faculty In form, and moving, how express and admirable. HIG: And that just worsened my day considerably. PIG: (putting on lots of sun screen) Look, I got me some sun block. HAMLET: You stole the farmer’s sun block? PIG: I didn’t steal it! I took it. HAMLET: If you take something that isn’t yours, ‘tis the selfsame as stealing. PIG: Taking and stealing are not the same thing. If they were, there wouldn’t be two different words. Taking. Stealing. See? Different. HAMLET: You speak with the logic of a block, a stone, a worse than senseless thing. PIG: Higgelty, I think Hamlet’s making fun of me. HIG: How? PIG: I don’t know, I couldn’t understand a word he said. HIG: I’ve got an idea. Let’s play Pigketeers! (raises right arm high) PIG: Yeah! (raising arm high) One for all and all for me! Look – I made some num chucks. (the rolls of toilet paper attached by a piece of elastic) Aeeee-ya! HAMLET: ‘Tis nunchucks, Piggelty, not num chucks. PIG: ‘Tis num chucks Hamlet cause I say so! Ya! Ya! Hayaa! HIG: Hey, watch it. Let’s go! Hup One Two Three, file in. I’m the Captain and we are the Three Pigketeers! (they start rolling up pigpen) PIG: Why do you always get to be the Captain? HIG: Because I’m the oldest. Hup One Two Three! Hup one two three. (they start marching to as they EXIT) HIG: We’re marching left we’re stepping high

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HAM & PIG: We’re marching left we’re stepping high HIG: We’re three little pigs beneath the sky HAM & PIG: We’re three little pigs beneath the sky HIG: Left, left, left- (PIGS EXIT marching. Wolf Enters, growls) WOLF: Grrrrr. AOOOOOOOOO. I’m toothsome and I’m hairy Long snouted, very scary A Predator unparalleled Why just look at how my chest is swelled (inhales mightily) I’m the wolf. A very bad wolf A predator precocious- Undoubtedly ferocious- I’m the wolf- the big - the bad- (big inhalation) (Enter Buzz, the Turkey Buzzard, swooping fast. He surprises the Wolf) BUZZ: Rolfie! Rolfie! WOLF: (jumps in fright) AHHHH! How many times, Buzz, have I told you not to swoop in behind me like that? BUZZ: Rolfie, I’m a turkey buzzard; and we swoop fast and low, stealthy and smooth, looking for food. It’s in my nature. You weren’t scared, were you? WOLF: No, of course I wasn’t scared. I’m the big bad wolf. BUZZ: And yet you screamed like a baby. WOLF: I couldn’t help it. It just came out. BUZZ: Rolfie, you really want to be part of that wolf pack, don’t you? WOLF: Yes. Wolves are supposed to be part of a pack. BUZZ: The wolf pack…a proud pack of hunters, howling in the night, running shoulder to shoulder, afraid of nothing…a team, a family.

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WOLF: I want to be part of that family. BUZZ: But they kicked you out. WOLF: They did. BUZZ: Out of the pack, into your lonely life in the cave. WOLF: All alone. In that cold, dark cave. BUZZ: You’re tearing up. WOLF: Am not. BUZZ: I don’t blame you. I’d cry too if I was as unpopular as you. WOLF: I’m unpopular? BUZZ: Terribly unpopular. Nobody likes you. Except for me. I’m your only friend. WOLF: Is being unpopular such a bad thing? BUZZ: It’s the worst thing. The very worst thing. WOLF: The very worst? BUZZ: Oh yes. And what was it they said when they kicked you out? WOLF: Don’t make me say it. BUZZ: Say it. WOLF: They said I was too – tenderhearted. A disgrace to the pack. BUZZ: Now listen to me, Rolfie, as your only friend. What you gotta do is prove to them you’re not tender-hearted. No! You’re the big bad wolf. You’re a hard-hearted predator. WOLF: But sometimes I feel a little tender-heart- BUZZ: Listen up, yo! In no way will you be tender You’re the big badness defender You’re the worst in all its splendor You’re the scariest contender You just watch they’ll all surrender

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When the wolf is the offender Yo he’s a bad wolf he’s a bad wolf yo yo he’s a bed wolf yo Prove to them that you are bad No matter what you can’t be had And nothing makes you sad They can only make you mad Of the baddies you are Sinbad Of the biggies you’re the grandad Yo you go Rolf you’re a bad wolf yo yo he’s a bad wolf he’s a bad wolf yo WOLF: I am the big bad wolf. (rap) Yo I’m a bad wolf a very bad wolf yo yo I’m a bad wolf a very bad wolf yo In the forest when I’m stalkin’ I can hear the birds a’ talkin’ In the trees About ferocious me Be cu-cu-cu-cu-cause I’m the bad wolf yo a very bad wolf yo BUZZ: Yo he’s a bad wolf he’s a bad wolf yo WOLF: When on the plains I am lopin’ There are creatures just a’hopin’ That I won’t give chase They are scared of my face! Feral and ferocious A predator precocious- I’m the big - the bad- the big bad wolf yo. BUZZ: Yeah. That’s right. Now listen. There’s a farm on the other side of the woods, and on the farm are three little pigs. Little. Lazy. Not real bright. I’ve been spying on them all day. So all you have to do is….. Get the pigs! Easy peasy! WOLF: Get the pigs? Why? BUZZ: You get those pigs, take em to the wolf pack. Prove you’re worthy to be let back in the pack. You do want to be back in the pack don’t you? WOLF: I do. I really, really, do. I’ll do anything. BUZZ: First, we gotta change your name.

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WOLF: What’s wrong with my name? BUZZ: Rolfie? What kind of name is that for a leader of a pack? We’re changing your name to ….let me see…..Biggity Bad. WOLF: So now I’m Biggity Bad Rolfie? BUZZ: No! Just Biggity Bad. Listen up. Yo. RAP: This isn’t just talk You could be king of the walk and when Biggity goes stalkin the nighthawks will start talkin and the owls they will be gawkin at you…cause you’re the Biggity Bad. WOLF: Okay, so I’m the Biggity Bad Wolf. Got it. But…three little pigs? That doesn’t seem fair. What kind of – BUZZ: (RAP) You need to be the leader The leader of the pack Put the pigs in a sack Like an afternoon snack Now when you are attackin And the pigs you are bushwhackin You know I got your back and Those pigs I will be smackin There’s nothing we are lackin And you will be back in… the leader of the pack in… no time. Yo you’re a bad wolf a very bad wolf yo. WOLF: The leader of the pack? BUZZ: Yes! That’s what I’ve been saying. Now let’s get out there and get those pigs. (WOLF looks hesitant) Affirmations! Affirmations! WOLF: I’m a predator unparalleled, just look how big my chest is swelled- BUZZ: Very impressive. HIG: (from OFF:) Left. Left Left.

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BUZZ: Wait! (looks through binoculars OFF LEFT) It looks like the Pigs are coming to us. How convenient. Let’s go. (They EXIT, PIGS ENTER, marching. OINK EDA song/military cadence)