All the IR Fool’s News That’s Unfit to Print. @JVIRMedia

April 1, 2015 Volume 1 Issue 1 Editors: Ziv J Haskal M.D. Jaime All M.D.  

FDA Announces “Submit 2 Get 1 Free” Approval Program (ROCKVILLE, MD) The FDA has announced a new limited-time offer as part of their “FDA Friendly” Program, valid only during the month of April. ”We are providing one free new product approval with every two submitted. No papers needed—just a signature and a handshake,” explains spokeswoman D. Fang. “If your product seems like a good idea, you can be on the market by May.”

Syfy Channel Explores Patient Care, Implements Assumption-based Medicine (NEW YORK) At a the recent Syfy 2015 symposium, enthusiast H. Humbert noted, "We should no longer limit ourselves to the realm of evidence-based medicine. Science is a reasonable place to start, but we can no longer discount the possibilities of science fiction as a source of inspiration." He went on to cite Margaret Atwood and Philip K. Dick as some of the sources informing his new patient-safety guidelines, termed “assumption-based medicine.” He added, “If two sets of gloves helps stymie infection rates, should we not consider three or even four pair? We simply cannot limit ourselves to the world of proven knowledge. Speculation, assumption, hearsay—all of these hitherto-untapped sources can be harnessed to forward science, and in so doing, the care of our patients."

Stent-graft Manufacturers Accommodate Patients from Increasing Luxury Segment (NEW YORK) “Discerning customers are demanding as much luxury in their medical devices as in their handbags,” says Arko Hano, spokesman for one major stent-graft manufacturer. As society doyenne Emma Hornspeith puts it, “When my doctor gave me the choice of aortic endografts with white

gold markers or platinum, I obviously went with the platinum.” The next direction, according to Hano, will involve upgrading silver-coated PICCs to diamond dust. “It hurts a bit more going in, but we're confident customers will appreciate the enhanced value.”

Effects of Cumulative Radiation Dose on Prefrontal Cortex Volume: The EGO Study (CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA) Researchers assessing the radiosensitivity of the prefrontal cortex report a study to evaluate the effect of high radiation doses on cognitive function. The study makes use of the Entitlement Gauge based on Observation questionnaire (EGO), designed to measure an individual's sense of self-importance. Research coordinator Nils Schmilson states, “Preliminary results conducted at academic centers show a strong correlation between the lifetime dose of IR doctors and their EGO scores. But then, they start at a high level of EGO already. Many veteran interventionalists have EGO scores are nearly off the charts.” He went on to cautioned against assuming causality. The study's database is being evaluated for another study address a recent SIR poster project: "Going Skirtless or Losing Your Lower Lead: The Next Male Birth-Control?” JVIR “Singles' Section” Cancelled The “Singles' Section” of JVIR.org has been cancelled after it was discovered that over 90% of the posts were IR physicians seeking to hire IR technologists. “Really guys, this is not the appropriate forum for hiring,” states Dr. Smith, who added, “I'm also really concerned at a deeply personal level for many of you sad, lonely IRs.” His presentation on this topic at SIR was met mostly with silence and blank stares.

JVIR Announces Annual Counting Error (NEW YORK) In a recent two-line erratum, JVIR indicated that a “rounding error” had led to a miscount: this year is actually the 26th anniversary of JVIR's founding, not the 25th. JVIR Publisher Borschfingle apologized for the mistake. “Yeah, we missed it. Given the amount of time we spent developing the 25th year cover, we'll probably just go with it. I don't think anyone'll care one way or the other. I mean, really, doesn't everyone just read Endovascular Today anyways?” Elma's Announces Foray into World of Embolics (COLUMBUS, OH) Elma's will now offer a medical grade occlusive agent. Elma's Glew answers a demand for low-cost liquid embolics. An Elma’s spokesperson had this to say: “Current glue products can cost thousands of dollars in the US. So, we asked ourselves, where does this leave the IR doctor who wants to spend only $17.95 on embolics for their UFE?” He added, “Elma’s Glew features at least 25% real hoof, so you know it’s good.” 3-D Printing used to address national shortage of IR Technologists (CALIFORNIA): One hospital in Los Angeles is using large scale 3-D printers to create life size IR techs after failing to fill staff through traditional recruitment means.

New Line of Men’s Catheters Announced (SILICA VALLEY, CA) CEO Furtwangler Jones announced the release of angiographic catheters for Men. Professor James Pettite “As a man of short stature, I prefer their 15 cm long Cobra for my chemoembolizations. I’ve no need to ‘compensate.” A ‘he-man’ line of 24Fr pigtails is planned next.

 

Ingestible Embolic Agent Induces Appetite Suppression (SALT LAKE CITY) Billion-dollar herbal supplement manufacturer Eatam announced early results with an oral rice resin particle that appeared to induce left gastric fundal ischemia by activating local stretch receptors. “We can finally avoid the need for expensive, invasive catheterizations by interventional radiologists,” said CEO Fundio Fullo, “not to mention our savings in preventing expensive bariatric surgeries. The new formula, termed “Rice-In” (not to be confused with Ricin, a highly toxic poison), will be sold as a supplement and will therefore fall outside the FDA's jurisdiction. Rice-In is slated for release in select markets next month, with no trials whatsoever. When asked about the potential impact of Rice-In on patient safety, a spokesman for Eatam laughed hysterically as he leapt off of a diving board into an enormous pool of cash. Smallest Embolic Scissors Snipped in Asia (TOKYO) In the ongoing race to miniaturize, Japanese researchers have created the world's first set of wee robotic scissors. “Microscopic scissors allow us to hand-cut gelfoam particles into sashimi-style perfection. Nano-motors will propel atomic gelfoam to reach the elusive peri-fibroid plexus.” Researcher T. K. boasts, "We will finally achieve full infarction." Reasserting competitive dominance, British Laboratory EmBolics Ltd. (HMS-BLEB) revealed secret research into subatomic gelfoam. 'We've harnessed the quark to do our bidding, to achieve the ultimate micro-TACE. Our particles are so tight, they make a cancer cell look like J-Lo booty' asserted T. Funes.

SIR Announces Eradication of Pulmonary Embolism (ATLANTA) “Mission accomplished,” announced SIR Leader Teenza Fortento. “DVT, PE . . . all gone. Just like smallpox—eradicated, kaput!” he beamed. A Glazzoe spokesman lamented, “Well, there goes another 2-billion-dollar market down the toilet.” Major IVC filter manufacturer consortium members huddled hurriedly, calculating the fate of the >200,000 filters in stock. “I wonder if these findings apply to DVT in the

veterinary population. Might we find a need there?” stated one representative. SIR scientists did not provide exact details as to how venous thromboembolic disease was stamped out, claiming only that it had been eradicated in its entirety. “Yes, we are rolling up the Venous Registry. Ten years of effort spent—eh, that’s the way the clot crumbles.” The Personalized Port (NEW JERSEY) “We’ve taken personalized medicine to the next level” says Inventor Ivor Portsky. Now patients can order their implantables with custom radio-opaque markers. No need to just say “CT” anymore!

Company Announces Unmanned Jupiter Ablation Probe Mission (CAPE CANAVERAL, FL): An aeronautics startup announced their space mission, entitled “New Frontier,” to be launched this April. Chief Technology Officer Flymore Binswang explained, “A probe is a probe. And it's already cold in space. Sterile conditions too.” SIR spokesman, Berdflue, agreed: “IR has always been at the vanguard of things. We see this as a natural extension of image-guided medicine and exploration. We're not sure what there is to treat out there, but whatever it is, IR will be first.”

3-D Printing used to address national shortage of IR Technologists (DALLAS, TX): One hospital in Texas is using large scale 3-D printers to create life size IR techs after failing to fill staff through traditional recruitment means.

Gelfoam Shortage (MINNEAPOLIS) Manufacturer UpGeorge announced a worldwide shortage of Gelfoam due to supply-chain issues. Newly appointed Gelfoam spokesman Bill Cosby offered no further explanation. Instead, he digressed into "boops" and "beeps," as he was left the press conference. In a related development, Colombian banana conglomerate Chiquititta stated that a cool, refreshing banana slushie could double as a temporary embolic for GI bleeds. Phone App Said To Solve US Shortage of IR Fel lowship Slots (PALO ALTO) The lead-up to admissions year 2015 marked a record for IR Fellowship applicants, and new technology has risen to the occasion. APDIR spokesman Salbree remarked that “we’ve never had so many aspire to do so much IR in so little time. The veil on IR has lifted . . . and technology has responded.” Programmers in North Korea have developed an app that will duplicate fellowship slots at ACGME-approved institutions, allowing twice as many doctors to serve as IR fellows. “Recent national data breaches have ensured that we do not even need the applicants' demographics—they are widely available on the web. We have it all. Just their Apple IDs will be enough.”

Patient to Table: Re-washed IR equipment Finds New Life with Innovative Chicago Chef (CHICAGO): Herman Breugel, renowned molecular gastronomist, is pushing the culinary envelope yet again. In re-using discarded medical devices, including microwave probes and thrombectomy catheters, he is blazing new paths in image-guided loco-regional cuisine. “Some call it ‘the Image to Eat’,” says Breugel. “I am manipulating food cells at atomic levels; we slow cook using 90Y particles left behind after actual radioembo cases. Our kitchens are being refitted with c-arms.” Says general manager Gruteheimer, “Our clients appreciate the history of these devices in their food. Plus, we soap them pretty well beforehand.”

 

Bullet Embolic Moving Forward at Ball ist ic Velocity (FLORIDA) Ten states have passed resolutions in support of target embolic Concealed Carry laws for IR physicians. Lawmaker Michelle Forniioli asks, “Do you think these hot tumors would stand a chance if our doctors were properly armed? The problem is metastasizing nationwide.” Carrying a concealed targeted embolic is currently banned in 42 states. Lawmakers argue that the spread of cancers could be halted. According to bill sponsor State Assemblyman Rainor Poulson, “The number of constituents with cancer would go down if these tumors just got a bullet to the head. Go tell families that their doctor wasn't armed to treat.” The measure passed. Opponents argue that gun-proponents are leveraging two hot-button issues: “Yet another gun lobby strategy: they’ve conflated doctors’ concealed embolic weapons with their larger national agenda.” A White House spokesman said that the President had commissioned a Defense Department subcommittee to study the issue of sterile carry laws for doctors as part on the national war on cancer.

JVIR Editor Issues Apology: (VIRGINIA) A recent insight into the JVIR article review process revealed that most submissions were reviewed

on an small screen iPhone 4S. The editor has assured authors that future submissions will be reviewed on an iPhone 6 plus, or larger Android device. Medicare Announces Timeshare Condo Solution for Central Vascular Access Patients (WASHINGTON, D.C.) “Get your lines changed in luxury,” CMS-affiliated director Samantha Fleurman announced. “In this season of

historically low mortgage rates, we saw an opportunity to cater to the country's growing central venous access population. Our network of central venous access condos in attractive locations are available for timeshare ownership.” Co-director Jones Smith asks, “Can fibrin sheaths pair with ski runs in Val d’Isere or kayaking in the Galapagos? Now they can! We are proud to announce an end to the tyrannical geography of US healthcare.” Noted fashion designers are developing a line of beachside catheter-dressing cover-ups in waterproof technofabrics and high-thread-count linens. Leaked Tapes Show President Cut IR Shout Out (WASHINGTON, D.C.) Released outtakes of the 2015 State of the Union speech revealed planned break from usual wonk and circumstance: President Obama had intended a series of 'Go IR--I'm Lovin' It' chants during his speech.

Disappointed Republican spokesman: 'This is one of the few areas where we could actually high-five across the aisle. Yet another missed opportunity by this Administration to give Americans what they really want.' White house spokesman offered no explanation for the late substitution of ‘Joe the Plumber’ over ‘Joanne, the IR plumber’. EndoBBQ' Trademarked By New Thermal Texas-Based Ablation Company. 'If you can reach 'em, we can cook 'em.' A special meat-free model is under development for California markets.