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PUBLISHED AND DISTRIBUTED WEEKLY BY PASSTIMES OF ARIZONA, LLC - [email protected] - 480.983.9143
Vol. 14 Issue 42 All Rights Reserved © 2016
DEAR JOHN LETTER A Marine stationed overseas recently received a "Dear
John" letter from his girlfriend back home.
It read as follows:
‘I can no longer continue our relation-
ship. The distance between us is just
too great. I must admit that I have cheated
on you twice since you've been gone, and
it's not fair to either of us.
I'm sorry. Please return
the picture of me that I
sent to you.’
The Marine, in response,
asked his fellow soldiers for
any snapshots they could spare of
their girlfriends, sisters, ex-
girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc. In addi-
tion to the picture of his now former
girlfriend, the Marine included all the
other pictures of the pretty gals he had
collected from his buddies. There were
57 photos in that envelope,
along with this note.
‘I'm sorry, but I can't quite
remember who you are.
Please take your picture
from the pile and send the
rest back to me.’
SO DO NOT FEAR, FOR I AM WITH YOU; DO NOT BE DISMAYED, FOR I AM YOUR GOD. I WILL STRENGTHEN YOU AND HELP YOU
THOSE WHO SAY IT CAN'T BE DONE ARE USUALLY INTERRUPTED BY OTHERS WHO ARE DOING IT
HUSBAND & WIFE Most of us have a bad habit we want to break. For
one woman it was biting her fingernails. One day
she told my husband about her latest solution: press
-on nails. "Great idea, honey," he smiled. "You can eat
them straight out of the box."
POLITICS AS USUAL An elderly gent was sitting in the front row at a town meeting,
heckling his elected representative as he delivered a long
speech.
Finally, the politician could stand it no longer, so he pointed
to the heckler and said, "Will that gentleman please stand up
and tell the audience what he has ever done for the good of
the city."
"Well," the old man said in a firm voice. "I voted against you
in the last election.”
HORSE SENSE A woman was considering buying an aging Thoroughbred but
wanted a veterinarian's opinion of the horse before
finalizing her deal. She took the animal to the vet.
When the examination was complete she
asked, "Will I be able to race him?"
The veterinarian looked at the woman, then
at the horse. "Sure,“ he replied, “but I have to
warn you. You'll probably win!"
EACH YEAR, THE HEALTHY ADULT MALE CONSUMES ONE-AND-ONE-HALF TIMES HIS OWN WEIGHT IN OTHER PEOPLE'S PATIENCE
EMPLOYMENT BENEFITS
A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become
a police officer. Several months later, a friend
asked him how he liked his new role.
"Well," he replied, "the pay isn't great, and
the hours can be awful. But I do
like the fact that the customer is
almost always wrong."
SENIOR MUSING
You know you are getting on in years when
you can see the light at the end of the tunnel
and you just hope it has a bathroom.
STATISTICALLY SPEAKING
China has a population of a billion peo-
ple. One billion. That means even if
you’re a one in a million type
of guy, there are still a thou-
sand others exactly like you.
VENUS & MARS
According to a recent survey, men say the
first thing they notice about a woman are
their eyes.
According to the same survey, Women say
the first thing they notice about men is they're
a bunch of liars.
CAST YOUR CARES ON THE LORD AND HE WILL SUSTAIN YOU; HE WILL NEVER LET THE RIGHTEOUS BE SHAKEN
LORD, GIVE ME THE COURAGE TO RECEIVE YOUR GIFTS
IN ANCIENT EGYPT, PEOPLE USED TO SHAVE THEIR EYEBROWS TO MOURN THE DEATH OF THEIR CATS
JEALOUSY COMES FROM COUNTING OTHER’S BLESSINGS NOT OUR OWN
FAITH IS THE CONVICTION THAT GOD EXISTS
THOSE WHO ARE AT WAR WITH OTHERS ARE SELDOM AT PEACE WITH THEMSELVES.
PUSH THE ENVELOPE ALL YOU WANT - IT'LL STILL BE STATIONARY
SOUND TRAVELS 5X FASTER UNDER WATER THAN IN AIR
TAKING THE BULL BY THE HORNS IS OFTEN A SOUND COURSE OF ACTION.. AS LONG AS YOU AND THE BULL AGREE ON WHEN TO LET GO
* On Oct. 30, 1864, the town of Helena,
Montana, is founded by four gold miners
who strike it rich at the "Last Chance
Gulch." Eventually, Last Chance Gulch
would prove to be the second biggest gold deposit
in Montana.
* On Oct. 26, 1881, in a shootout that lasts
all of 30 seconds, the Earp brothers face
off against the Clanton-McLaury gang in a
legendary shootout at the OK Corral in Tombstone, Arizona.
The Earps and Doc Holliday were charged with murder, but a
Tombstone judge acquitted them.
* On Oct. 24, 1931, the six-lane
George Washington Bridge over the
Hudson River between New York
and New Jersey is dedicated. In
1946 two more lanes were built,
and in 1958 six lower-level lanes
were added. Today the bridge car-
ries 106 million cars per year.
THOSE WHO DO NOT PLAN FOR THE FUTURE HAVE TO LIVE THROUGH IT ANYWAY
* On Oct. 29, 1948, killer smog hovers
over Donora, Pennsylvania, trapping the
sulphuric acid, carbon monoxide and other
pollutants released by steel mills and a zinc
smelting plant. By the time rain
washed the air, 20 people had
perished and thousands
were ill.
* On Oct. 27, 1970, Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice
released a double-LP "concept" album called "Jesus Christ
Superstar" after they were unable to find financial backing
for a stage production due to the nature of the story.
* On Oct. 25, 1983, President Ronald Reagan, cit-
ing the threat posed to Americans in Grenada,
orders the Marines to invade. Nearly
1,000 Americans were on the island,
many of them students at a medical
school. In a week, Grenada's govern-
ment was overthrown.
* On Oct. 28, 1998, Presi-
dent Bill Clinton signs
into law the Digital Mil-
lennium Copyright Act. The
DMCA explicitly authorized copyright holders to issue
"takedown" notices to individuals or companies believed to
be engaging in infringing use of a copyrighted work.
(c) 2016 King Features Syndicate, Inc.
POISON OAK IS A MEMBER OF THE CASHEW FAMILY
SHOUTS OF JOY AND VICTORY RESOUND IN THE TENTS OF THE RIGHTEOUS
Answers
1. Aboard Air Force One
2. A wish in German for "good
health"
3. Billie Holiday
4. Chicago
5. The breastbone
6. Decibel
7. Incandescent light
8. Blue and white
9. Animals
10. Vermont
(c) 2016 King Features Synd.,
Inc.
1. HISTORY: Where did Lyndon Johnson take the oath of
office following President Kennedy's assassination?
2. LANGUAGE: What does the word "gesundheit" mean
when it follows a sneeze?
3. MUSIC: What singer's life was portrayed in the autobiog-
raphy "Lady Sings the Blues"?
4. TELEVISION: Where was "The Untouchables" drama set?
5. ANATOMY: What is a more common name for the ster-
num?
6. SCIENCE: What is the unit that is used to measure sound
level?
7. INVENTIONS: What was demonstrated for the first time
on Dec. 31, 1879, in Menlo Park?
8. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: What are the colors of Israel's
flag?
9. MYTHOLOGY: In mythology, what do theriomorphic
gods represent?
10. GEOGRAPHY: What is the only Northeastern U.S. state
that borders Canada but not the Atlantic Ocean or a Great
Lake?
TWO SILK WORMS HAD A RACE, THEY ENDED UP IN A TIE.
THOSE WHO DO NOT KNOW HOW TO WEEP WITH THEIR WHOLE HEART, DON'T KNOW HOW TO LAUGH EITHER
THOSE WHO DO NOT FIND TIME FOR EXERCISE WILL HAVE TO FIND TIME FOR ILLNESS
BETTER TO BE POOR THAN A LIAR
A CANADIAN FARMER RENTS ADVERTISING SPACE ON HIS COWS
DISCRETION IS BEING ABLE TO RAISE YOUR EYEBROW INSTEAD OF YOUR VOICE
THE SPIRIT OF GOD DOES NOT MAKE ONE TIMID
BEST QUALITY A man asked his wife: “What do you like
most in me, my handsome face or my sexy
body?”
She looked at him from head to toe and
replied: “your sense of humor.”
WHAT TIME IS IT?
A blonde is walking down the street and stops a man to ask
for the time.
The man, looking at his watch, helpfully
responds, "Why, certainly! The time is
now four o'clock".
The blonde scratches her head and says, "You
know, it's really weird. I've been asking people
that question all day long, and each time I get a
different answer."
GOING DOWN As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship
was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here
know how to pray?" One man stepped forward.
"Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."
"Good," said the captain, "you pray
while the rest of us put on our life jack-
ets - we're one short."
JOHN WAYNE HAD 141 LEADING ROLES
HERE’S A TRUTH: BEING KIND MAKES YOU HAPPY
SOMETIMES I GET ROAD RAGE WALKING BEHIND PEOPLE IN THE GROCERY STORE
Tuition Payment Errors Add Up to Big Bucks Hundreds of millions of dollars spent on Post-9/11 G.I. Bill
payments is being lost due to mishandling and errors, accord-
ing to the Department of Veterans Affairs Office of the In-
spector General. The VAOIG recently evaluated the Veterans
Benefits Administration to see if payments were being made
correctly.
In one year alone, the VBA was responsible for $5.2 billion in
tuition and fee payments for 796,000 students. The VAOIG
picked 225 students at 50 schools, totaling $1.7 million in
payments, to double-check.
One problem it found is the VBA must rely on enrollment
info provided by the schools, which sometimes submitted
incorrect information. Is it a regular college or a community
college? Tuition varies. How many times does the school let a
student attempt to pass a class? One small item (until you add
it all up) is the cost of books. VBA can't tell whether it's pay-
ing for supported or unsupported services, supplies and
books, and generally it just pays the bill without asking.
VAOIG's suggestions were to reach out to the schools to ask
for complete certifications, revise the handbook used by those
who cut the checks and develop a way to check for satisfacto-
ry completion of classes (or at least remaining academically
eligible), enrollment status, duplicate information on students
and repeated classes.
The bottom line: Of the $5.2 billion in tuition and fee pay-
ments for one year, the VAOIG calculated that $247 million
was lost in improper payments, and more than $205 million
was lost in missed recoupments (getting the money back in
case of overpayment). Doing the math, the VAOIG concluded
that, if things don't change, the VBA could lose $1.2 billion in
improper payments and $1 billion in missed recoupments
over the next five years. That's a lot of money that could be
sending others to school.
(c) 2016 King Features Synd., Inc.
A MAN CAN FALL MANY TIMES, BUT HE ISN'T A FAILURE UNTIL HE BEGINS TO BLAME SOMEBODY ELSE
WHAT DID THE SCIENTIST SAY WHEN HE EXAMINED A SKUNK? YOU REEK-A!
DO NOT LET KINDNESS AND TRUTH LEAVE YOU
THE NAME OF THE LORD IS A FORTIFIED TOWER; THE RIGHTEOUS RUN TO IT AND ARE SAFE
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE GLOW STICKS. YOU JUST WANT TO SNAP THEM IN HALF AND SHAKE THEM UNTIL THE LIGHT GOES ON
