Alf and Morris an Inconvenient Route

8/14/2019 Alf and Morris an Inconvenient Route

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"ALF AND MORRIS - AN INCONVENIENT ROUTE" BY ALAN CORBETT

FADE IN:

EXT. HALFPENNY STREET - DAY

Early morning. Halfpenny Street. Two tents facing eachother on side of road. Surrounded by old campingequipment, washing lines, home made signs of support.

The camps spill out onto road. Completely blocking narrowfootpath. Causing an obstruction to traffic.

CLOSE UP OF ALF SITTING IN CAMPING CHAIR

Wearing many layers of clothing, flat cap and fingerlessgloves. Smoking thin brown roll up and is cold. In his70’s. Visibly ailing.

Valerie, Alf’s daughter late 40’s, middle class very wrapped up in expensive clothes, approaches. Gently wraps

blanket around his shoulders. Embraces him affectionately,and kisses his weathered cheek. Walks away. Alf picks upold battered tin cup. Drinks. Tea is still warm. Looks athis newspaper.

WIDER SHOT OF OTHER CAMP

Morris’s son, Peter in his mid 40’s a tall slender quiet man is tidying up and collecting rubbish. Shot following

his movements.

Heavy tied up carrier bag thrown out of bushes.

Morris comes out of bushes doing trousers up. Morris is inhis 70’s grey hair, big sideburns, old man glasses usuallyseen on chairman Mao. Also wrapped up against cold wearing

wellies. Wipes hands on trousers. Picks up walking stickand bag. Walks to chair. Morris is more sprightly than Alf.

PETERHow did you get on today Dad? Any

movement?

MORRISYeah, it was ok today Pete.(holds up bag to show him. Throwsit in bin by tent)

Morris sits down. Picks up newspaper. Looks round paper tosee Alf. Tries again.

WIDER SHOT OF BOTH CAMPS

Alf looks up. Sees Morris. Morris ducks behind paper.

FADE OUT.







Albeit agreeing to disagree andfor the best of both theirhealths.

(looks relieved tohave got it over

with)

4.

KEITH BENNETT (CONT'D)



EXT. HALFPENNY STREET - DAY

Title: Local News Report - Five Years Ago

News correspondent Claire Berridge - blonde attractive late20’s, well spoken and smartly dressed. She is standing infront of camera holding typical news correspondent’s

microphone.

Cold day. Early morning. Rush hour traffic building up.

Behind Claire on other side of road two groups of people.On the left with a couple of supporters and Valerie to hisside is Alf. He is sitting on curb looking down wearingusual flat cap. Arms crossed. His supporters are cold and

move about and clap hands to keep warm.

On the right is Morris. Has Peter and a few more

supporters with him. They are also cold. He stands on curbleaning on walking stick. Wobbly and obviously tired butresolute.

Both men have been there for while.

Police officers are there between the two parties. Notdoing very much and are talking amongst themselves. Are nottaking situation very seriously.

CLAIRE BERRIDGE(To camera)

Well, I’m here live on HalfpennyStreet. Mr Alfred Mendelson andMr Morris Dobson are still havingtheir stand off and are beginningto cause quite an obstruction inthe road now. To remind you of

what happened here, 2 days ago atabout 8.30am the two men engagedin a heated argument when one ofthem refused to step into theroad quickly to let the other onepass. They’ve been there eversince, both of them refusing to

budge. I have with me SergeantSingh. Sergeant Singh, how comethese two men have been able tocause such disruption on this,one of the most busiest roads inthe town?

Sergent Singh, an asian policeman with a turban is beingdistracted by his fellow officers. Has a smile on his face

which he is trying to stop.

5.











EXT. HIGH STREET - DAY

Busy pedestrianised high street. Shot is at eye level walking through the people.

PHIL THE DOCUMENTARY MAKERExcuse me madam! Excuse me!

A portly woman in her 50’s turns round to face the camera.Phil is behind the shot as usual. She is a friendly woman

wearing a cat hair adorned fleece and is pulling shoppingtrolley. She is happy to talk to Phil.

PHIL THE DOCUMENTARY MAKER(CONT’D)

Hello. I wonder if I might askyou a few questions about what’shappening on Halfpenny Street?

With Mr Mendelson and Mr Dobson?PORTLY WOMAN

Oh yes love, no problem.

PHIL THE DOCUMENTARY MAKERWhat’s your take on the wholesituation and the fact that it’sbeen five years now?

PORTLY WOMANWell dear, it’s a shame isn’t it.I mean they’re living there inall weathers....in tents!Blimey! I wouldn’t fancy that

would you?(pauses to think)

It reminds me of when MichaelBuerk went to Ethiopia.

PHIL THE DOCUMENTARY MAKERErr yes, well, I suppose...

PORTLY WOMAN(Butts in, singing

with a tear in hereye)It’s Christmas time, and there’sno need to be afraid...Beautiful. Makes me think ofthose kiddies... Did you hear theversion they made a few yearsago? Rubbish. Although it didhave Dizzee Rascal in it. I likehim... (dances) Come dance with

me! Come dance with me! Lovelylittle black boy.

10.



PHIL THE DOCUMENTARY MAKERHa ha. Yes, quite. Have youpersonally been affected by thedisruption all this has caused?

PORTLY WOMANWell not really darling. I didused to deliver meals on wheelsto Mr Mendelson a few years ago.I’m not surprised that he’s notbacked down to be honest. I meanhe isn’t the most cheerful ofgentlemen from memory. There wasa rumor that they banned him from having the meals deliveredbecause of an incident with oneof the drivers. I’d left bythen.

PHIL THE DOCUMENTARY MAKERWhat did you hear happened?

PORTLY WOMANWell, this is only a rumor

mind... apparently he was making more and more complaints about

the quality of the meals. Veryunfair in my opinion, very tastyon my watch they were. Anyway,he felt that he wasn’t beinglistened to and one day he didn’topen his door when they came todeliver but he’d left a bag onthe doorstep.

PHIL THE DOCUMENTARY MAKERWhat was in the bag?

PORTLY WOMANThe story goes that he’d put adinner plate in there withcutlery and a serviette. And,

well, on the plate was well.

Err, he’d obviously crouched downand curled out a number two.

PHIL THE DOCUMENTARY MAKERReally?! Is that true?

PORTLY WOMANApparently so. He apparently hadleft a note poked in it as well.

PHIL THE DOCUMENTARY MAKERWhich said?

11.







Not once since we’ve been on thisroad has he even looked me in theeye. Not even the gesture of anapology.

PHIL THE DOCUMENTARY MAKERHave you thought maybe ofapologising to him to maybe bringthis all to a conclusion? Youcould have been living back inyour nice warm home well beforenow.

MORRISWhat have I got to apologise for?No, really son, what possiblyhave I done wrong to thisgentleman other than maybe

shouting the odd comment at hisdaughter? No really my son, youtell me, come on.

PETERDad, calm down. Come on.

Morris breathes heavily. He is very agitated.

MORRISShut up Peter! For gods sake! Hecomes over here asking me allthese bloody stupid questions! I

might be an old man my son, butby god I could give you a goodhiding. I really could.

Morris gets up quickly. Points finger at Phil behind thecamera. Starts breathing heavily again. Peter gets up andstops him. Commotion. Fade out.

Fade back in. Peter and Morris are sitting back down.Morris has calmed down. Morris looks pale.

PHIL THE DOCUMENTARY MAKER

Tell me a little but about your wife Mr Dobson. What was shelike?

MORRIS(In a subdued voice)

What do you want to know. Whathas she got to do with any ofthis?

PHIL THE DOCUMENTARY MAKERWell maybe it will give viewers a

better picture of you as a personand your motivation for youractions over the last five years.

14.

MORRIS (CONT'D)





PHIL THE DOCUMENTARY MAKERNot wanting to drag up bad

memories for you Mr Dobson, but what was it that happened to your wife?

MORRISWell, she was always a... well alarge woman. Had a fuller figureI suppose you might say. Ididn’t mind. Used to tell herthat there was more of her for meto grab hold of. Made her laugh.Anyway, one Thursday morning shegot a phone call from her friendFreda asking if she could comeout and give her a hand with herpart time job. She used to drive

a van delivering meals to the oldand infirm. They got to theirlast drop and apparently it wasto some old git who had beencausing trouble with the drivers.You know, putting in complaintsjust to rock the boat and causebother. He must have been offhis rocker. Put a plate ofexcrement on his front doorstepfor them to find with a nastynote in it. The thing is, he’dput in a bag in such a way that

my Reenie had to put her headright inside it to see what it

was. I’ve no idea who the oldbastard was but seriously, I’d dotime just to hurt him I really

would Phil.

PHIL THE DOCUMENTARY MAKERI don’t understand though. Howdid this cause your wife to passon?

MORRISIt’s like I said Phil. She was abig lady. It was after that,that she started to question herfaith. How could God let someonedo that to her? She was at sixesand sevens for a few years afterthat, she was really depressed.Life was hell for us all really

wasn’t it Peter?(Peter acknowledges)

Where other people would turn to

drink, her comfort was porkscratchings, stout and pickledeggs.

16.

(MORE)



It’s all I could get her to eatand drink for nearly two years.In the end she got so big theyhad to remove the bay window from the front of our living room

where she never moved and takeher out that way. She was goingto a special unit for the

morbidly obese up north. It wasgetting too much for me you see.

PHIL THE DOCUMENTARY MAKERSo it was her medical conditionthat took her in the end then?

MORRISNo. No son it wasn’t.

(Gets choked with

tears)Peter puts arm round Morris to comfort him. Morris can’tcontinue, he is too upset.

PETERThere was an accident. Theambulance it turned out wasn’tbuilt to carry such a load and itcareered off the motorwaysomewhere just outside Doncaster.Ironically she was the last todie. The paramedics went first

when she flew into them. She wasin a ditch with two dead bodiesunderneath her for three hoursuntil she had a heart attack justas the firecrew got to her.

(Pauses)Grim.

17.

MORRIS (CONT'D)



EXT HALFPENNY STREET - DAY

Caption: ‘Friday - Moving Day’

The usual traffic noise, hooters and shouted abuse.

Early evening. Lots of activity in the camps. Alf’sdaughter and her husband clear his camp. He is a short,passive man who is ruled by her every word.

Peter helps Morris with his. Morris comes out of thebushes with an empty carrier bag in his hand.

PETERAny luck dad?

MORRISNo. How many times have I tried

today son? It’s all thisupheaval, it’s making me eggbound. I’ll have to leave it nowuntil I get back to the house.

Morris carries on clearing up, muttering under his breath.

Local news TV people are there setting up their equipment.The police are also there, as usual making up the numbersand being completely ineffective.

PHIL THE DOCUMENTARY MAKERHello! Claire?

(as usual Phil isbehind the cameraand the shot movestowards her)

CLAIRE BERRIDGEHello? Oh hello, Phil isn’t it?

(Claire shakes Phil’shand behind thecamera)

Nice to meet you finally.

PHIL THE DOCUMENTARY MAKERThe pleasure is all mine. So,today’s the day then. The town

must be breathing a sigh ofrelief to get their road back?

CLAIRE BERRIDGE(Making herself

presentable beforeshe has do herreport)

Yes, they apparently agreed to

move back to their houses onprinciple.

18.



PHIL THE DOCUMENTARY MAKERWhich was?

CLAIRE BERRIDGEI heard that it was that they had

won.

PHIL THE DOCUMENTARY MAKERWon?

CLAIRE BERRIDGEYeah, they both refused to be inthe same room as each other whenthe council waded in. When they

were spoken to separately, thecouncil managed to get them to

move on, on the assumption thatthey had EACH won. But, you

didn’t hear that from me.(jokily taps hernose)

PHIL THE DOCUMENTARY MAKERSo you mean that they both thinkthat they have got something overon the other but in fact it’s alla ruse by the council to get them to move on.

CLAIRE BERRIDGEYes, and it’s been sorted outthat once they’ve gone, the land

will be taken on by the councilso it can’t happen again. It wasthe only way. And since thepolice haven’t seemed to give a

monkey’s since it all startedthey had to do something drastic.The only reason I can tell younow is that once they’ve walkedout of this road then they can’tset up camp again without beingarrested for it.

Over Claire’s shoulder Morris seen waving and gesturing tothe traffic believing hooters and shouting is in support ofhim.

Claire moves to one side so shot is wide enough to see bothcamps.

Suddenly Valerie starts to abuse Morris. Impossible to hear words because of the traffic. Morris abuses back and waves

a fist at her. Valerie’s husband tries to diffuse situationbut she gestures for him to get back, which he does

obediently. Valerie and Morris are nose to nose arguing.

19.





FADE IN

EXT. OUTSIDE OF FRONT OF HOSPITAL - NIGHT

Many groups of people holding candle lit vigils outside thehospital. People from all walks of life. Looks like somekind of sit in. Old women with blankets on their legs. A lot of attention is on a window a couple of floors up.Real feeling of comoraderie.

For all the world, the scene looks like the people thereare Alf’s supporters and are there to make sure he pullsthrough.

Light is on in room where they are looking and it is easyto see that nurses are moving about in there.

Cut to camera moving to a group of people sitting round in

a circle passing a flask around. They are all wrapped up.All very friendly people, but with attention on the windowbefore anything. They are all sitting on assorteddeckchairs.

Phil’s hand comes from behind camera and taps an elderlygentleman on the back. He is in his 80’s. Really wrappedup with loads of layers wearing a bobble hat. A jollygentleman who is only too happy to speak to Phil.

PHIL THE DOCUMENTARY MAKERExcuse me sir I wondered if you

wouldn’t mind having a chat with me about what’s going on here?

ELDERLY GENTLEMANOh yes of course son. Chillyisn’t it, crikey!

(rubs hands together)

PHIL THE DOCUMENTARY MAKERYes it is quite. So you’re allhere to keep your eye on theprogress of Mr Mendelson, who Iassume is being cared for in the

room up there?

ELDERLY GENTLEMANYes that’s right son. They

wouldn’t let us wait in thehospital so we’re all camped outhere. Janet

(Points to a lady inthe group of peoplehe is with who wavesback)

Crept in and pretended to be a

member of his family and it wasthen that they told us what room he was in.

21.

(MORE)



Luckily, our friend Mohammedhere,

(Gestures over to anasian gentleman inthe group)

Used to clean in the hospital and was able to work out which room

it was from the outside.

PHIL THE DOCUMENTARY MAKEROh right. There’s a real senseof community here. Everyoneseems to know everyone else andeveryone really cares about whathappens to Mr Mendelson tonight.

ELDERLY GENTLEMANYes that’s right son. You’ve got

people here from the road wherehe lived before he moved into histent. You’ve got people herefrom the local supermarket andshops and you’ve also got peoplehere from his over 75’s club thathe used to go to. Everyone hereknows Alf in some way or another.

PHIL THE DOCUMENTARY MAKERI had no idea that he had touchedso many people’s lives. As faras I was aware he was a crotchetyold man who was widely regardedin the community as and I quote,a grumpy old git!

(laughs)

ELDERLY GENTLEMAN(straight faced)

Well he is a grumpy old git son,you’re not wrong.

PHIL THE DOCUMENTARY MAKER(butts in)

Oh sorry! I don’t mean anydisrespect!

ELDERLY GENTLEMANOh no. We couldn’t care less

whether you respect Alf or not.You see, we’re all here to makesure the old bastard dies. We

want to be here when it happens,to witness the minute when hegoes. We’ve been looking forwardto this for years. We’d all

hoped it would happen when he wasliving in that tent all thattime, but alas no.

22.

ELDERLY GENTLEMAN (CONT'D)

(MORE)



I don’t know how that happened.At least this way he might go inpain. Fingers crossed.

(crosses fingers onboth hands in frontof his face)

The rest of the gentleman’s friends break from staring upat the window to give him a round of applause. They thenstare up at the window again including the man who Phil hasjust interviewed.

Cut to a middle-aged couple sitting with blankets aroundtheir legs. Mrs Banks is in a wheelchair and looks quitefrail but well turned out. Mr Banks wearing builder’sclothes keeps making sure she is tucked in. It is obvioushe is her only carer.

PHIL THE DOCUMENTARY MAKERHello? It’s Mr and Mrs Banksisn’t it?

MR BANKSYes it is. I assume you’re thechap making the documentary abouthim from next door?

PHIL THE DOCUMENTARY MAKERYes I am. My name is Phil. Niceto meet you.

(Phil extends hishand from behind thecamera to shakehands with Mr Banks)

I understand that you both livednext door to Mr Mendelson’s housefor about ten years before allthis happened?

MR BANKSYeah that’s right. Hopefully ifall goes well tonight then it

won’t be his house for much

longer (rubs his hands)Eh darling?

MRS BANKSYeah, all being well!

PHIL THE DOCUMENTARY MAKERI’m getting the feeling thatthere is literally nobody here

who wants him to pull through.Is there?

23.

ELDERLY GENTLEMAN (CONT'D)





Documents

Alf and Morris an Inconvenient Route