ADVANCE COPY Not to be distributed …...Introduction: You, Me and This Book 1 Who Am I? 2 • My Love Life Background and Baggage • How I Got Into Online Dating • My Dating Approach

ADVANCE COPY Not to be distributed

www.modernloveguide.com

CONTENTS Introduction: You, Me and This Book 1

Who Am I? 2 • My Love Life Background and Baggage • How I Got Into Online Dating • My Dating Approach • What I Look for in a Partner • Dating Through Separation and Divorce • Why I Wrote This Book • Getting the Relationship and Partner You Deserve • Who Are You? • How This Book Can Help You • How This Book Works

SECTION I: Relationship Archeology 16 It’s NOT the same as it ever was and neither are you

To Date or Not to Date 17 • CHECKLIST: You Might Not Be Ready to Date If…

I’m Ready to Date! 23 • Where Have You Been All Your Life? • Why Is Your Baggage So Heavy? • What Your Past Can Teach You About Your Now • The End • CHECKLIST: Why Do You Want to Date? • How Exactly Does “Happily Ever After” Work? • Ideals, Standards and Boundaries

Looking Back to Move Forward 31

• My Crap, Your Crap – Separating Your Issues From Your Partner’s • “The Relationship” • What You Learn From Your Family

Types Not Recommended for a Relationship 37 • Wounded Birds: Somebody save me! • Bad Boys and Girls: Why does bad feel so good? • Narcissists: Enough about me, what do you think about me?



• Users: What can you do for me? • Drama Kings and Queens: Grab some popcorn, the show’s about

to start.

Boundaries 44 • You Teach People How to Treat You • CHECKLIST: Are You the Boundary Crasher?

Ideals and Deal Breakers 48 • What Do You Want? • Who is Your Ideal You, Partner and Relationship? • Deal Breakers • CHECKLIST: What Are Your Deal Breakers?

The Most Important Questions You Will Ever Answer 54 • QUESTIONS: About Your Ideal You, Your Partner and The

Relationship • I’ve Answered the Questions… Now What?

This Deep Introspection Stuff Is Hard 62 • I Have this Friend… • Do You Get Sloppy in Your Relationships? • How to Turn Your No’s Into Something Positive

The External Stuff 66 • How Do You Define Fun? • Looking in the Mirror • CHECKLIST: Give Yourself a New Look • Weight Does Not Define You

Main Concepts From This Section 72

SECTION II: Getting Your Profile Online 74 Show ‘em what you’re workin’ with

Dating Is Not a Root Canal 75 • Love Back in the Day • Meeting People in Real Life • Read this If You Decide Not to Use Online Dating • Online Dating is a Powerful Tool in Your Dating Arsenal • The Pros and Cons of Online Dating vs. Real Life First Meetings • Myths and Fears of Online Dating



Getting Online 85

warding

e Competition

w files

te! uth?

• Setting up an Awesome Online Profile • How to Keep Online Dating Fun and Re• Anonymously Testing the Dating Waters • Setting up Your Exploratory Profile • Checking Out Potential Dates and th• What Your Online Recon Mission Will Teach You • What to Look for in Profiles • CHECKLIST: The Profile Revie• Common Mistakes Found in Pro• What You Do and Don’t Like, Take No• How Do You Know They Are Telling the Tr• Sizing Up the Competition

Putting Yourself on Display 96

ns to a Successful Dating Profile

Photos

ness

Sites ed

• Crafting Your Real Online Profile • QUESTIONS: Basic Profile Questio• Translating Your Ideal Relationship in• Honesty IS the Best Policy • Photos Are Required! • Show Them Who You Are• Pointers for Eye Catching Profile• Which Dating Site Should I Use? • It’s Easier for Women • Dating Sites Are a Busi• Pay Sites vs. Free Sites

Pay• Cancellation Policies on• Reviews of Sites I’ve Personally Us

My Profile is Up, Now What? 121

t ize Red Flags

• Safety and Common Sense Communication• Beginning the Conversation

? • What Do They Mean by That• Remind Yourself What You Wan• Proceed with Caution and Recogn

Break the Ice ‐ First Contact 127

• The Seduction of Online Attention• The Layers of Safe Communication• What to Say and What to Leave Out• Conversation Starters

When to Tell Them Your Name •




SECTION III: Going on Dates and More 139 Time to step away from the box

Dates and Dating 140 • Meeting Real Live People • Why You Should Meet Sooner Rather Than Later • Why You May Be Hesitating to Meet • Enforcing Boundaries With New People • First Date Prep

The First Date 144 • Tips to Stay Safe and Sane • Getting and Giving the Third Degree • Handling Unpleasant People • CHECKLIST: Things to Look for During Your First Date • What If Your Date Doesn’t Live up to Their Hype/Profile? • How to Relax and Enjoy First Dates • What About Sexual Attraction? • Dating More Than One Person at a Time • Finding Your Own Pace • Are You Using the Same Vocabulary? • Take Time to Step Back and Enjoy Dating • Sex and the First Date

Moving On 161 • I’m Just Not Feeling It • Questions: What New Lessons Have You Learned From Dating This

Time Around? • How to Successfully Break Up

This Might Really Be Something 164 • How Do You Know it’s Really Real? • CHECKLIST for a Healthy Relationship • About the Bumps Along the Way


The End and the Beginning 172

Thank You! 173



INTRODUCTION You, Me and This Book



MODERN LOVE | INTRODUCTION

Getting the Relationship and Partner You Deserve Superficial relationships based on outward appearances, social status and money don’t interest me. If you consider your potential love interests to be a paycheck, trophy, status symbol or something to be conquered, defended against, dominated or used, this is NOT the book for you. This book is for you if you want to learn the tools that will help you finding and develop a meaningful relationship. I want you to have a relationship based on mutual respect, understanding, compassion and love. The basis of any lasting relationship is open communication, honesty and the support of one another’s dreams and goals. My goal is also to help you develop behaviors and traits that are beneficial to you and also be able to recognize them (or lack of them) in others. Most of all, this book is designed to help you become a more complete, confident you, as free from relationship baggage as possible so that you can meet your best match on equal footing. I want to help you raise your standards and craft realistic expectations that elevate your life. I want you to have a clearer sense of self and also create space for a successful relationship into your life.

The basis of any lasting relationship is open communication, honesty and the support of one another’s dreams and goals.

Who Are You? The approach presented in this book will be helpful to anyone trying to sort through their relationship baggage, start a new chapter in their dating life and tackle the world of online dating. My advice and suggestions about working through your past baggage, setting up an

10




11

online profile and dating applies to everyone regardless of sexual orientation.

This book is ideal for you if:

You are in your late‐30s to late‐40s You started your dating career before there were cell phones or personal computers

You just went through ‐ or are currently going through ‐ a divorce or major breakup

You’re not sure where to begin when it comes to dating, online or otherwise

You have preconceived notions about how relationships are “supposed” to be

You are straight, gay or anywhere in between

This book is more ideally suited for you if:

You know that what you’ve done in the past hasn’t worked and you’re open to a new approach

You have had at least one major relationship that you thought was “the one” whether it was a long‐term partner or spouse

You are do not want to participate in online dating but are interested to learn how the lessons learned in creating an online profile can help you find love

You are held back by old fears and emotional baggage from your past relationships

You want more than a booty call, pick up tricks and lines You are looking for a quality relationship You are open to looking at your past experiences and fine tuning those lessons into a powerful set of tools that will help you find the love you deserve in your life

You are ready to take charge of your love life and are willing to set standards and boundaries to find mutually satisfying relationship

You know that there is an amazing partner out there for you, you just need the right tools to help you find them




12

How This Book Can Help You . So if you’re willing do a You get out of things what you put into them

bit of work and step outside of your comfort zone, this book with help you to:

Enjoy the process of dating Determine whether you are really ready to date Have a better understanding of yourself, your expectationsaround dating and clarify the qualities you want in

a mate

Build your confidence by considering your strengths and weaknesses in relationships

Define what you want in a relationship Craft an awesome and honest online dating profile that will

ur life attract the kind of person you want in yo Learn how to read other people’s profiles in order to find goomatches

d

Get ready for and go on first dates, have great experiences and learn to enjoy them even if they aren’t “The One”

Learn some basic strategies that will guide you towards a successful, healthy, happy relationship

Learn how to trust yourself, be true to who you are, and shthat with the right partner

are

k.

How This Book Works: There are three sections to this boo

SECTION I helps you to first determine if you are ready to date with a helpful checklist. You will then dig through your

This

k

relationship past so you can identify and keep what worked, toss what didn’t and fine tune what you are looking for.section contains a series of questions that help you really get down to what you are looking for. The section ends with a looat what you like to do with your time and asks if your personalstyle could use an overhaul. The insights in Section I will help you no matter what route you take to find your mate or even if you decide to wait a bit to date. It contains some internal workthat will benefit you not matter what.




13

SECTION II dives into the sometimes dad

unting world of online ating by providing some history, myths and pros and cons. We

ffectively

N II is beneficial even if you decide you don’t want to use nline dating as your primary avenue to meet partners, going

or.

will then get into the mechanics of online dating with everything you will need to know to set up your profile, search for good matches, weed out the riff‐raff, and how to eand safely communicate online once you find prospects you like. SECTIOothrough the exercises of collecting profile information and pictures, as well as doing research online anonymously is goingto help you solidify who you are and what you are looking f

SECTION III covers going out on dates, what to talk about on a first date, verbal and non verbal cues to be aware of and how to

and setting up a profile. The foundation for healthy dating

d, back for a

econd pass to really consider some of the k.

, so

s book intense or ncomfortable feelings may come up for

you, that is OK. It’s also OK if you need to

determine if there will be a second date. This section also givesbasic pointers about setting the foundation for and building a new loving, healthy, relationship, and how to keep it that way.

There are some important things to understand about yourself before going onlinestarts with understanding where you have been and clearly determiningwhere you want to go. Knowing what you want is going to help you avoid dating disasters and steer you toward relationship bliss. This is a quick book can be a quick reabut you may need to comesconcepts and questions posed in this booThe material in this book is progressiveas you grow and learn, the more challenging concepts will make more sense with time, practice and application in the real world. You may also find that after reading some things in thiu

The foundation for healthy dating starts with understanding where you have been and determining where you want to go.




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set the book down for awhile, digest what you’ve read and think about how it makes you feel and why. Figuring out who you are and want youwant is a process and that t will take as long as it takes. Don’t rush into dating. Only embark on that journey when you really feel confident yoare ready. Reading this book in its entiret

u

y will still be valuable for you even if you etermine you aren’t quite ready to date. It will help you set down a

ok will be the first to admit I am not a fan of writing answers to questions

red I wouldn’t include questions

n

n be found in the handy online form located here:

dfoundation of what you want so that you can eventually find yourself in a happy healthy relationship.

About the questions in this boI posed to me in a book. So rest assuwithout good reason. They are truly important and valuable on your journey to successful dating. That being said please at the very least thoroughly read the questions and really give careful consideration toyour answers. They are really meant to get your mental cogs turning therefore careful consideration of them will be valuable. Another optiois to discuss these questions with a good friend and get some dialog going about them. Of course the best and most beneficial option is to download the questions and write down your answers.

Any questions with this image next to them ca

http://www.modernloveguide.com/questions/





http://www.modernloveguide.com/links-resources/

http://www.modernloveguide.com/links-resources/

SECTION I: Relationship Archeology

It’s NOT the same as it ever was

and neither are you



MODERN LOVE: SECTION I RELATIONSHIP ARCHEOLOGY

17

To Date or Not to Date

This section will help you to clarify what you are looking for and also help you figure out why you think the way you do. Determining whether you are ready to date is only something you can answer, but I will give you some things to consider. There are many things that may indicate you are not in the right place to date ‐ at least not just yet. See if you see yourself in any of the items on the checklist below.

This section will help you to clarify what you are looking for and also help you figure out why you think the way you do. Determining whether you are ready to date is only something you can answer, but I will give you some things to consider. There are many things that may indicate you are not in the right place to date ‐ at least not just yet. See if you see yourself in any of the items on the checklist below.

The more you have yourself together, the better equipped you’ll be to attract the mate that is right for you.

CHECKLIST: You Might Not Be Ready to Date If… CHECKLIST: You Might Not Be Ready to Date If…

You feel “damaged”. Are you carrying around some major emotional stuff that isn’t allowing you to be open to other people? Have you forgiven your ex(s) and yourself for how your relationship ended? If you are feeling hurt and wounded it might be time to regroup and devote your energy getting back to a healthier, happier you before you drag that old baggage into a new relationship.

You feel “damaged”. Are you carrying around some major emotional stuff that isn’t allowing you to be open to other people? Have you forgiven your ex(s) and yourself for how your relationship ended? If you are feeling hurt and wounded it might be time to regroup and devote your energy getting back to a healthier, happier you before you drag that old baggage into a new relationship.

You feel like the dating pool is full of sharks. If you feel like men/women are just out to take advantage of you and you generally distrust them, now is not the right time to get back in the game. It’s critical that you have some faith and an open mind and heart when you begin dating.

You feel like the dating pool is full of sharks. If you feel like men/women are just out to take advantage of you and you generally distrust them, now is not the right time to get back in the game. It’s critical that you have some faith and an open mind and heart when you begin dating.

You are timid and fearful because of past relationships. Sometimes our past relationships cause far more pain, damage or disappointments then we realize and taking a breather is an important way to regroup and reenergize. Don’t rush to fill that empty space until you feel confident that you can put your best foot forward.

You are timid and fearful because of past relationships. Sometimes our past relationships cause far more pain, damage or disappointments then we realize and taking a breather is an important way to regroup and reenergize. Don’t rush to fill that empty space until you feel confident that you can put your best foot forward. ADVANCE COPY

Not to be distributed www.modernloveguide.com


28

How Exactly Does “Happily Ever After” Work? Many of us spend our lives looking for that perfect person, that special someone to “complete” us. Odds are if you grew up in the United States in the 1980s, you were stuffed full of popular fairytales and teenage angst films. The formula went something like this: through a series of awkward events and dramatic moments, a magical person would appear in your life at just the right moment; generally in the middle of some major crisis like a prom or shortly after you lost your glass slipper. Once this prince/princess/savior found you they would proceed to fall deeply in love with you, solve all of your problems and you would then, quite effortlessly, live happily ever after (complete with ribbon‐carrying birds encircling your love). If you bought any part of the fairytale even secretly, you might be a bit miffed that this scenario hasn’t played out for you yet. You might not even be aware that you have been using that “perfect‐complete‐me” set of standards. Or, even worse you were duped into a relationship with someone that 'fit' the formula, only to realize that you were both real people under those fairytale costumes and expectations and that “happily ever after” was much more complicated then you thought. It’s not surprising that you have some of these hopes, especially when you’re beaten over the head with these messages over and over again. The repetition of this information is bound to register somewhere in your skull as some form of “truth.” Don’t feel bad if you bought into this myth ‐ many of us did. It’s good to know where your expectations for romance and relationships come from and simply recognize that you have them. Knowing they are there and how they got there is half the battle. We all bought into it to some degree, but we now know better, don’t we? It’s now time to revamp your expectations, so you can get on with the business of enjoying your real life with your real partner! Unlike in fairytales people have flaws, life is messy and relationships take a lot more work than fairytales led us to believe. How much of your romantic expectations are based on television shows, pop songs or movies you saw growing up. Romantic fiction in any of those forms is a disappointing standard to hold yourself or your partner to. Especially if ADVANCE COPY



31

Looking Back to Move Forward

How do you feel about the partners you have had in the past? Do you lump them all in the category of “loser” or were there some good ones in the bunch? Now is the time to review those past players and see what the similarities and differences are between them. What are the qualities from past partners that you want to keep and what do you want to pitch? What is your pattern is picking partners? Often it’s easier to see the patterns in your life when you think about yourself in the context of particular relationships. Think back to a particularly good or bad relationship and how it impacted your behavior and your life. Do you recall friends saying you seemed happy, distracted, agitated, stressed, upset, etc. when you were in particular relationships? Pull out your old journals, photos and letters from the past. It might be painful to do this, but it’s a good way to see your past and experiences from a new and clearer vantage point. When you consider memories from your past, what were the constants in your life? What was missing? Visiting your past can give you powerful insight into your patterns, strengths and weaknesses and can help you move forward in a positive way. This process may dredge up strong emotions. Remember that you survived and that these are only memories. Take this opportunity to review your past relationships; from this vantage point they won’t be so charged. Doing this gives you the chance to clear out old emotional baggage and also make way for new relationships. The heat of the moment is the hardest time to control your emotions, communicate your needs and hold to your defenses, but it is also the most important moment to make the choice to respond differently for good. By doing this work now, the next time someone bumps into one of your

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it" - George Santayana




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boundaries, you will have a clear idea of why you respond the way you do and you will have the choice to respond differently.

“My Crap, Your Crap” – Separating Your Issues From Your Partner’s When you start a relationship you spend time together and interact; you do your thing and they do theirs. Interacting with another person sets off a series of actions, reactions and responses from each of you. The reactions are formulated by your own life experiences. You will find that your response to particular situations may be entirely different from that of your partner’s and this can be a shock. This is something I like to call “My Crap, Your Crap.” Basically that means that you come into the relationship with your experiences (“My Crap”) and so does your partner (“Your Crap”). When you and your partner find yourself having a disagreement you need to put it through the “My Crap, Your Crap” filter. You need to figure out what category your disagreement falls under:

It’s coming up because of something from your past, long before this person arrived in your life. This is likely an old boundary that you have had violated too many times in the past.

It’s coming up because of something from your partner’s past, long before you arrived in his or her life. It is a boundary that they had to defend in the past.

It’s your collective problem as a couple and something for both of you to work through. This could be culture shock and different backgrounds clashing.

You each enter the relationship with a lifetime of experiences, assumptions and the baggage that comes with all of that. When you come together in that particular relationship, you are combining those two sets of life experiences and “results may vary.” Hopefully, the mix is mostly good and usually in the beginning it’s easier to glide over misunderstandings. But it’s rarely perfect and it will most likely require adjustment on both your parts.




Boundaries

You Teach People How to Treat You The types and behaviors discussed in the previous section have one major thing in common; they violate other people’s boundaries. Some of you reading this may groan when you hear the term “boundaries.” Boundaries conjure up images of a person that is completely inflexible and unwilling to budge on anything, ever. Healthy boundaries are nothing like that. There is the physical boundary: I live in my skin, you live in yours and those boundaries are obvious and defined by our very skin. Some people are touchy feely, others are much more guarded. What I’m focusing on are emotional boundaries. Often this type of boundary is much harder to define, and can be difficult for others to even be aware of unless you specifically communicate them.

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Boundaries tell the people in our lives where we stand, what we value and what is important to us. If you’re not used to saying “no”, try it out once in a while, you’ll notice a miraculous change. If you’ve have people in your life who don’t listen, disregard your requests or use you, try out “no” on them, I bet you’ll find that it quickly redefines your relationships. Some relationships will endure this change and adjust, while others may not survive. Any relationship worth having has two people willing to voice and respect each other’s boundaries. Many people are able to set boundaries in some parts of their life, such as work, but not their family or love relationships. Think about it, wouldn’t it be hard to get across town if there were no roads, sidewalks, road signs, or fences to keep things in order? It’s the same in relationships. Boundaries provide structure and consistency and

Boundaries tell the people in our lives where we stand, what we value and what is important to us.




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Questions About Your Ideal You The following questions are intended to get you thinking about who you’ve been in past relationships, and who the Ideal You is. What do you want to keep, chuck, change or fine tune?

Who are you in a relationship?

Do you change when you’re in a relationship? Does your behavior

change? If so, how?

What would you change about how you behave in a relationship?

What do you want a relationship to bring out in you? Who do you

want to be in a relationship?

How would you define your role in a relationship?

What kind of things have you done for your partner?

What do you do to attract a partner?

Do you see yourself as a type? Describe that type. Does that type

give you permission to behave a particular way? What are some of

the good and bad traits of that type?

What are your constructive relationship habits? What do you do to

nurture your relationships?

What do you do well in a relationship?

Do you have any destructive relationship habits? What are they?

Do you do things to tear down relationships? Why?

What have your ex's blamed you for, or accused you of?

How do you communicate when you are unhappy about something

in a relationship? Do you shy away from conflict and

disagreements? Why?



SECTION II:

Getting Your Profile Online

Show ‘em what you’re

workin’ with



MODERN LOVE | SECTION II: GETTING YOUR PROFILE ONLINE

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Dating Is Not a Root Canal

I love dating, I love first dates, and I love people. When people hear me talk about dating that way they think I’m nuts, since most people liken dates to getting a root canal. Humans can be pretty interesting if you give them the chance to shine. I approach a first date with the assumption that everyone is coming from the same place. They all want to be accepted and liked for who they are and they hope to connect with another likeminded humans in a meaningful way. Remember to be exactly who you are – display the real you throughout the entire process of dating. In doing so you are far more likely to attract honest and genuine people to you. Don’t perpetuate the stereotype that everyone online stuffs their profiles full of lies. Yes, it’s true that there are people that lie online, but they can do the same thing in person. Don’t be that person; you are so much better than that. Dating should always be about putting your real self out there and seeing how people respond to you. If someone doesn’t like you, that’s their loss, and odds are they aren’t worth your energy anyway. Accepting that some people are simply not a fit for you should feel empowering, it means your standards and boundaries are working. Each person you rule out is not a wasted opportunity, but a clear decision that you are making a conscious choice to stick to your standards, respect your values, and save you both wasted time. It raises your value, moves you closer the Ideal Partner, or at least towards better qualified prospects. Not everyone is meant to be a match and you can’t expect to get along with everyone. But also keep in mind that if you continuously don't like who you are attracting and what is getting reflected back to you, it may

Remember to be exactly who you are – display the real you out throughout the entire process of dating.




76

e an indication that your need to fine the message and presentation

are transmitting and maybe even yoexpectations. I’m now going tonegative thoughteven entertain thscary fears wawesome way to get to know yourself

g be

finescti

ay

Long ago, (back in the 80 and 90’s and even before that!), in order to meet peopl e if there was a ged marriages, but for the nd ability to glean knowledge of the othe counter. At that point you could establish mistry and exchange phone pho you waited by your phone, hoped waited (you might have even picked periodi your phone was working). you eventually called and asked If you wanted to you could post or answer personal ads found in local newspapers. Personal ads have been around as long as there have been newspapers. I first discovered them in back of my local weekly paper. In those days, you posted your ad in the paper, which consisted of as many lines of type as you were willing to pay for. The following week it showed up in print and then people would call up and leave messages in a voice mailbox provided by the paper that you called in to. (Before the whole voicemail

btune you

ur

ask you to clear all s from your mind. Don’t e notion that dating is a

process. Instead, replace those ith the notion that dating is an

better through meetingYour conversations andpotential partners durinlearn about yourself, and improve your conne

Love Back in the

other people! dates with this process should se what you like, tossons with your fellow

Replace those fears with the

ating me

to

idea that dis an awesoway to getknow yourself better - through meeting other people!

looked at as a way to what you don’t like, human beings.

D’s

e you generally had to meet people face to face to se spark. There have always been blind dates and arran

most part, the first meeting ar person was a face to face en whether there was any che

numbers, not cell for messages,

up the receiver Hopefully the person

you out on a date.

take a more aggressive

ne numbers. Then, for phone calls cally to make sure had a spark with

approach to dating




98

What do you excel at? What is one of your best physical features? What a books, movies and songs? Why? re some of your favorite What a love? (These can be activities or things. Please o not put “sex” as one of these. We get it sex is fun.

ork

re ten things you d

Let’s assume we all think that and give us a bit more to wwith.)

What do you like to think about when you have a free moment? What is your goal with this online dating adventure? What would you plan for a romantic date?


Translating Your Ideal Relationship into a Successful Dating Profile With the work we did in the first section you now have a much clearer picture of what you do and don’t want out of a relationship. The allenge now is to take the information you learned and translate it

rmation as a and fear. Take the

lf that upports those goals and path. Remember that the Ideal You is what

art by

n visitors to our profile will be able to see where they might fit in your life and

chinto an appealing profile. Do not present your infotask/laundry list of wants, riddled with bitterness information you gathered from Section I and present it in a positive attractive light. You want to take the information you have determined to be the Ideal You, Partner and Relationship and form a picture of yoursesyou are working towards, so as you write your profile you will stexplaining who you are now with a positively worded description. Thenas you move along in your profile you should include the activities andtraits that interest you and that you also find attractive in others. You are forming a picture of who you are now; you are also showing where you want your life to go in the future. With this informatioywhere you might fit in theirs. It is critical to give them enough information to prompt them to communicate with you further.




99

The deal breakers and boundaries we unearthed for you in Section I arethere to guide and protect your path towards your goal of the Ideal You, Partner and Relationship. They are important but they should not

be the ey components and tone of your profile,

ars”, I flipped the statement into a positive

out scaring people way, so choose your words thoughtfully. Be playful with the

kinstead they should be in the back of your mind to help you shape your profile and searches. One of my deal breakers is people who are dishonest. So, I took what I perceive to be a negative and instead of saying “I hate liand included it along with qualities I appreciate.

I appreciate honest, direct, focused people that know who they are and what they want.

The key is to tactfully address your deal breakers withadescriptions of what you’re looking for, rather than coming off defensive and fearful. Here are some other examples of how to turn a negative deal breaker into a positive trait:

Negative: I don’t like people that can’t form a sentence. Positive: I like people who enjoy clear, open and articulate communication.

Negative: I can’t stand kids. Positive: I think kids are great for other people, but I enjoy my

s in that equation. freedom and don’t foresee including kid

Negative: If you are a close minded couch potato don’t bother. Positive: I am open to new experiences and want a partner

quest. interested in joining me on that

Negative: If you are a macho jerk concerned only about his toys and incapable of a two way conversation please go elsewhere.

The deal breakers and boundaries… are important but they should not be the key components and tone of your profile.




121

My Profile is Up, Now What?

heck out other people’s profiles in earnest, see who views yours rt making some connections. Many sites allow you to “flirt” in ay without having to talk right away, some offer chat and all me way to email within their enclosed system. I encourage you ld. Communicate in ways you are comfortable but also be o step outside your comfort zone. Online dating is about being and trying new things. Rememb

Once your real profile is up and running the real fun begins. Now you get to cand stasome woffer soto be bowilling topen to er to use common sense but don’t ge so mired in fear that you don’t make contact with anyone.

SafetCommosites are eed to magicalgets taktry not restrictive that you don’t venture out at all. If you are too closed off and afraid, you’ll not only keep the creeps away, but the

t

y and Common Sense Communication n sense is critical to the online dating process. Online dating not a magic box, safe from liars and predators, guarantly find you the perfect match. If you are the type of person who en advantage of, take some precautions to protect yourself, but to be so

good ones too. All that being said here are some common (and not so common) sense ground rules to live by in the online dating world. These apply particularly to the “getting to know you” stage of online dating:

Don’t use your actual name in your profile name or in initial emails to potential dates.

Don’t use your regular email address that has your name attached to it to correspond with potential dates. Use the emailaddress you set up just for online dating.

Don’t tell dates or people you’re talking to where you live. Naming the general neighborhood you live in is OK, but do nogive out your address. A lot of the time people will ask where

t




127

Break the Ice – First Contact

of omen I have talked to, men seem to initiate first contact more often

ay and age, men still seem to be making iences d, my s and h ofile s he wou le of a wom g to

are good going to get a

ion st.

denly

t

take online communication for what it is, fun.

mber that people are trying to capture each other’s attention the aise

I am the kind of person who dives in rather quickly to dating. I watch from the sidelines for about a week or so and then start make some determinations about who I want to engage in conversations with. Conversations could mean email, online chat or a phone conversation. Every sites way of letting you contact people is a bit different. Some control your interactions more than others. The pay sites generally let you browse profiles for free but if you want to contact someone you have to pay for the privilege. In my experience andwthan women do. Even in this dthe first move. When comparing our experboyfriend was amazed at how many emailon a daily basis. I got in a week as many amonths. What this means is that if you arereach out and make the first move, oddsresponse back.

The Seduction of Online AttentFlirting and communicating with people online can be a huge ego booIf you have been off the market for awhile, going online and sudgetting showered with positive attention and flirtations can be extremely seductive. Attention feels good and it’s something we generally welcome to some degree or another. If you haven’t had thatype of attention in a long time it can be hard to keep your wits about you and keep it in perspective. You can get carried away and think you have found your soul mate and interpret casual flirting to mean muchmore than it does. AlwaysReme

with OkCupiits got on my prld get in a coupan who is willin you are

only way they can online and that is often with flattering words, prand unabashed flirtations. Some men play the odds and use the same lines with women hoping to find the one that will grab the bait, just likein a bar. The more you are online and exchange emails and chats the




137

Main Concepts From This Section You have now had an opportunity to really dig into online dating. Ascan see, knowing what you want by defining your Ideal You, Partner anRelationship makes the process of setting up a profile and browsing gobit smoother. Remember to follow the layers of safe communicationkeep some distance between you and potential dates until youreally ready Remember that browsing profiles is not the end goal for the online dating experience. It’s a tool to connect you with people and research your options. The next step is to move from the virtual world into thereal one. Some people can get stuck in the online portion of this process, endlessly edtransfixed

you d a

to are

to move to the next level.

iting their profile, viewing others and getting with online chats like it’s some sort of game. Do not get stuck

there. The point is to meet real, live people.

You Now Know:

Why dating is fun and that if it feels like a root canal you’re doing it wrong

That you should proceed with caution rather than paranoia and that major displays of fear and distrust are going to scare awyour dates

ay

That even if you don’t use online dating it can still be a useful research tool and testing ground

How to safely and anonymously browse an online dating site to check out your competition and potential matches

How to create an anonymous email address and set up a virtuaphone number so you can date online and communicate safely

l

How to filter the profiles through the information you learneabout yourself and what you want in Section I

d

The importance of gathering appropriate, attention grabbing pictures of yourself and why they are critical to the success of your profile

Having a clear pictureRelationship will help you write a profile that will attract the kinds of partner that is right for you

of your Ideal You, Partner and




138

The importance of keeping your initial conversations light, fun and honest and without expectation and that topics like thehorror that was your last relationship should not be brougo

ht up

n the first date Why honesty is the best policy and that you should be yourself not who you think "they” want you to be

How to communicate concerns with potential dates if you have reason to believe they are not being truthful

How to use the Layers of Communication to protect yourself,and make clear decisions about which prospects are worth setting up a face to face date with

Visit t

he website below for more resources to help you craft your online profile:

2http://www.modernloveguide.com/links‐resources/#part

e whether there is enough of a spark on your date to

onto something more, or if it’s time move on. Remember you th putting yourself out there, hoping

work

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What’s Next? You’ve exchanged emails, flirted, and now you’re ready to step away from the computer and meet some matches in person. This next stepwill help you decidcontinue are all in the same boat. You’re bofor a click and some chemistry. It’s time to put all this theory andinto action and take some risks to find your hearts desire and healthy, fulfilling love.



http://www.modernloveguide.com/links-resources/#part2

I

SECTION

Going on Dates andII:

More

Time to step away from the box



MODERN LOVE | SECTION III: GOING ON DATES and MORE

140

Dates and Dating

Dating is as old as time. Imagine how clumsy and awkward it was for a caveman to approach a skittish mate at the watering hole, and convher he was not only strong, and healthydher self sufficient, nurturing abilities and indicated via her shape andhealth that she could provide healthy offspring. Flash forward a millennia later and not much has changed. Men are still trying to convince women they are good providers and protectors and womare still displaying their fertility, their ability to nurture and that thecan hold a household together. I know that these are very broad statements and they don’t begin to cover all

ince , but that he would not be

angerous to HER or the family. In turn, the cavewoman demonstrated

en y

the motivations for artnership, but they contain the kernels elemental to our attraction to

ce. It is still the only real way to see if a prospect

ith

and it’s

achelor number one. Don’t

pone another. The one thing that remains the same is that we still participate in theflirtatious courtship dancan become a partner. That is what this chapter is about... stepping away from the computer and putting your heart in the game!

Meeting Real Live People After exchanging flirts, emails and chats wsomeone who has caught your attention online, the next step is to meet in person. The most important thing to keep in mind about your first first date is that odds are this won’t be your last first date. In other words, you’re probably not going to fall madly in love, and take yourself off the market immediately following this first date. This person may or may not be your prince/princess charmingbest to keep it light. Don’t stress yourself out before the date by mentally building your fairytale future with b

The most important thing to keep in mind about your first first date is that odds are this won’t be your last first date.




141

scare off your date out by giving off that needy ready‐to‐settle‐down vibe. You are both there for the same simple reason, to see if there isspark. Also keep in mind that desperation broadcasts much louder than confidence. I’m sure you

a

know what that feels like from some of your

person, have

s to look for and what to pass

up in the fut e. I promise there will be more first dates.

u ner Rather Than Later

be different ith different people. There will be some people you

e communication is sporadic, taking place over days or weeks. You ne after only one meaningful eral. Evaluate each situation on its own

relationship, will help you determine if you are ready to commit to a live meeting with a particular prospect. Don’t wait too long have a first meeting with someone you have been successfully communicating with. It’s impossible to truly determine whether a person will be a good fit for you until you meet them face to face. We’ve all heard stories about people who carry on remote love affairs for months or years before ever meeting; they insist that true love has been established via the internet and phone. Often the outcome is that one or both parties falls quite short of the others expectations and it all falls apart when they meet in person.

online prospects. You should not move to the in person dating stage of until you feel confident that you can actually set up a date, meet a newfun and not be crushed if it doesn’t go as planned! You should have noexpectations beyond that. Not clicking with your date is OK and giveyou one more piece to your puzzle of what

ur

Why YoOnly you can

Should Meet Soo determine when you are ready to meet face to face. It will w

effortlessly communicate with from the start, and others with whom thmight feel ready to meet someoconversation, or it may take sevmerits. Before setting up your first date, consult your common sense and your gut, they are excellent allies. Next, compare this person’s qualities and profile in relation to the information you recorded about what you are looking for in your Ideal Partner and Ideal Relationship. Taking time to consult how you are feeling and comparing them with your written standards for a




161

On

is point works the same as it does y relationship. Be honefeelingsit isn’t wworkedthe timworkingwhy youyour stayourself the other person and step away like an adult. Don’t think

r yourself. It’s an out of a relationship.

s Have Ar’t yet , be

u. This to base. You ill provide help yo

Moving

I’m Just Not Feeling It You will find that although you may have liked someone on the first couple of dates, the more you got to know them, the less interested you were. Discontinuing dating someone at th

an in

st and straight forward with your . Don’t hang onto a relationship when orking. You have come so far and through so much already, now is not e to settle for something that isn’t this soon after it’s begun. This is wrote down your deal breakers and ndards so clearly. Have respect for and

of this as any sort of failure but as information foopportunity to fine tune what you want

QUESTIONS: What New LessonLearned From Dating This TimeIf you find that you date for a while and havensure to note what did and didn’t work for yoadd more information to your knowledgeyou with valuable lessons that are going toto help you reach your Ideal Relationship:

Youound? met your matchis your chancer dating wu fine tune your path

Why didn’t it work? Why do you think you ur didn’t find yomatch?

Were you ready to date? If not, why not? Did you find you were attracted somtypes you’ve since committed to

e of t and leaving behind?

hose old traits

Did you pick the exact opposite of your last partner?

Don’t hang onto a relationship when it isn’t working.




164

This Might Really Be Something

You have made it past date one, four and beyond. You have stopped e interests you like this new person.

en you hold them up gainst your Ideal Partner and Ideal Relationship do you measure up?

sing

dating others, because no one elsBut, how do you know if you’ve really found the real thing? The easy answer is that you “just know”. If you are really paying attention withyour heart and head, you’ll know when you have found something worth keeping. Is this person really a good candidate to be in a relationship with? Do they seem truly interested in helping you and supporting you to become your Ideal You? Wha When you fall in love this really cool thing happens. You get a flood of a chemical called oxytocin. It’s the same chemical mothers have courthrough their veins when they breast feed. It’s a kind of love and bonding chemical. Psychology Today explains how oxytocin affects humans in the following way:

Oxytocin is a powerful hormone. When we hug or kiss a loved one, oxytocin levels drive up. It also acts as a neurotransmitter in the brain. In fact, the hormone plays a huge role in pair bonding. This hormone is also greatly stimulated during sex, birth, breast feeding, and the list goes on.

With all those feel‐good love chemicals flowing, it’s sometimes hard to tell the difference between lust and more substantial. For more on oxytoc ly recommend a book called The Brain

somethingin I highFemale by

Louann Brizendine and available on Amazon. There is also a companion book called The Male Brain by the same author, both are full of very useful insights on how our body chemistry impacts our action in love and in general. One of the great things about falling in love

One of the great things about falling in love when you are older and more experienced is that you get to be conscious of the process.



http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/oxytocin

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0767920104/ref=as_li_tf_il?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0767920104&linkCode=as2&tag=cijablack-20

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http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0767927540/ref=as_li_tf_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0767927540&linkCode=as2&tag=cijablack-20


165

when you areconscious ofeyes shut, aneverything a Admittedly,

conscious ofeyes shut, aneverything a Admittedly,

olderolder and more experienced is that you get to be the process. When you are young, you fall in love full tilt, d that is how I did it. Emotions are n listen to your head.

it els really good to just dive in. But there is something to is going on. When you are older

ile

expressing his or her feelings well. Your life ce ‐ appreciate and savor it!

Real?ionsh al”;

erfect re ks for d needs; guide

int you have to have faith t over analyze your feeling

our best most authentic self when

gardless of who is in it. I know that it’s a

ires diligence.

where in your

and more experienced is that you get to be the process. When you are young, you fall in love full tilt, d that is how I did it. Emotions are n listen to your head.

it els really good to just dive in. But there is something to is going on. When you are older

ile

expressing his or her feelings well. Your life ce ‐ appreciate and savor it!

Real?ionsh al”;

erfect re ks for d needs; guide

int you have to have faith t over analyze your feeling

our best most authentic self when

gardless of who is in it. I know that it’s a

ires diligence.

where in your

heart fully open; at least d in your youth you rarely

febe said for being more aware of what

heart fully open; at least d in your youth you rarely

febe said for being more aware of whatyou still get to fall head over heels, but now you get to be present whit happens. You can savor every moment in a way that your younger self wasn’t capable of. You can also see red flags and communicate about them more articulately with your partner. It helps if you are with omeone who is capable of

you still get to fall head over heels, but now you get to be present whit happens. You can savor every moment in a way that your younger self wasn’t capable of. You can also see red flags and communicate about them more articulately with your partner. It helps if you are with omeone who is capable ofssand your partner’s have led you to this pla

How Do You Know it’s ReallyThere is no ultimate test to know when a relatyou are your own best judge. There is no peveryone. We all have different desires anwe can go by is our inner compass. At some poin yourself and trust what you feel and don’and keep your fears at a healthy, manageable distance. Listen to your heart and mind and be at yembarking on a new relationship. Enjoy the present and don’t take what you have for granted. Remember to keep in mind how

and your partner’s have led you to this pla

How Do You Know it’s ReallyThere is no ultimate test to know when a relatyou are your own best judge. There is no peveryone. We all have different desires anwe can go by is our inner compass. At some poin yourself and trust what you feel and don’and keep your fears at a healthy, manageable distance. Listen to your heart and mind and be at yembarking on a new relationship. Enjoy the present and don’t take what you have for granted. Remember to keep in mind how

ip is “really recipe that worthe only real

ip is “really recipe that worthe only real

you defined your Ideal You, Partner and Relationship and note if this budding relationship is allowing you to stay true to those goals. Remember that your goals and ideals have been designed for your life

you defined your Ideal You, Partner and Relationship and note if this budding relationship is allowing you to stay true to those goals. Remember that your goals and ideals have been designed for your life rerebit of challenge to keep all of these things in mind and it requbit of challenge to keep all of these things in mind and it requ Hopefully you have found a partner who you can communicate with. One with whom you are able to talk about how you feel andHopefully you have found a partner who you can communicate with. One with whom you are able to talk about how you feel andthings are going. If you don’t have that type of dialogue early onthings are going. If you don’t have that type of dialogue early on

Remember that your goals

who is in it.

and ideals have been designed for your life regardless of




166

relationship, I encourage you to explore ways to cultivate open and direct communication. There are many books on the subject. I have

at:

also included some links to helpful articles and books on my website.

You can check out books and articles on relationships http://www.modernloveguide.com/links‐resources/#relationship

As you canBuilding an

ook. d maintaining a healthy relationship is another book unto

onderful readers ask for pair with what you have

a healthy, growth‐filled

nshi

u hav gh partner may do. along their even

this boo e rally on e page.

, and present.

bility to e

ut what the other person is thinking or will respond to something. Give your partner the

he

n I

see the topic of dating is enough to fill a whole b

itself and one I will work on if enough of you wit! Until then, here are some basic guidelines toalready learned, that will aim you towardrelationship:

Checklist for a Healthy Relatio

Mind your respective baggage. Even if yopieces of your past baggage, yourBe patient and willing to help themrecommend that they read Section I ofquestions for themselves so you are lite

Rules to love by. Be patient, honest, kind

p

e worked thoustill have work topath. You mightk and answer th the sam

Be open to having discussions, especially the hard ones. If your partner is willing to talk through the difficult stuff without getting really defensive, I would say they are a keeper. A partner’s aweather the tough stuff is not to be taken lightly and should bvalued and cultivated.

Don’t make assumptions abohow theyopportunity to tell you directly what they think. Don’t fill in tblanks for them.

Get your definitions clear. Differing definitions lead to major frustrations in relationships. Consider the work you did in Sectioof this book to get clear on your own assumptions and definitions.ADVANCE COPY


http://www.modernloveguide.com/links-resources/#relationship


170

Main Concepts From This SectionYou have now had the opportunity to test out your dating skills in the fi

eld. You also know not to wait too long before meeting with potential

n e on first dates o also the goals you set for your Partner and Relationship. Remember to refer back to the

r your

urself ifferently. Give yourself permission to aim towards the

eal You and to live the life and find a love that supports you in that

matches, alight, low kconsider bIdeal You,

d that when you do meet face to face to keep the meetingsy, with a minimal time commitment. Whendy language, your gut and

filters you carefully crafted to see how your dates might be a fit folife. Don’t drag old relationship baggage into your new one. It’s easy to fall into the old patterns and bad habits, so make a commitment to yoto do things dIdquest.

You Now Know:

Why you should meet your date in person sooner rather than later to quickly bring reality to your connection

If either you or your date put off meeting, it could be a red flag First dates should be short, sweet and in public places You are not obligated to commit to a second date on the first date and you have every right to say “No”

You have the right to move on from something that isn’t working for you rather than prolong contact with someone you’re not really interested in

Words are not the only way to communicate and the importance of body language on the first date

How to review your dates in terms of your Ideal You, Partner and Relationship

That you can always review and change what you have postedon your profile if you find that you are not attracting the righkind of people

t

That if a date just isn't working its best to be kind, treat

out someone the way you would want to be treated and bow respectfully




171

That you should never assume that your dates define things thesame way you do and that it is critical to get clarity by asking what terms mean to them if there seems to be miscommunication

You should be honest and straightforward in all of your interactions with people

Continuing to date someone to save their feelings, really isn’t saving their feelings and it’s really a waste of everyone’s time

There are no surefire ways to know when have something reand that your best compasses are your own heart and mind

ally

The key to a good relationship is encouraging and participatingin communication in which you are present and love w

ith your

whole heart.

Visit the website below for further resources to help you with going on dates and relationships: http://www.modernloveguide.com/links‐resources/#part3

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Give yourself permission to do things differently and allow yourself to

your past,

. ip

thing about what you want to include in your Ideal Life.

have different outcomes in your romantic relationships. Don’t let your old baggage damage your blooming relationship. Learn fromtake the best lessons and scrap the rest as cautionary tales to find the love you deserve. If you are fortunate enough to have found a “the real thing” remember that honest clear communication is the key to a successful relationshipAnd if this one doesn’t work, do not dismay, because each relationshand person you meet adds to your experience and teaches you at leastone more



http://www.modernloveguide.com/links-resources/#part3



Documents

ADVANCE COPY Not to be distributed …...Introduction: You, Me and This Book 1 Who Am I? 2 • My Love Life Background and Baggage • How I Got Into Online Dating • My Dating Approach