Written by Nick Lang, Matt Lang, and Brian Holden Songs by Clark Baxtresser, Pierce Siebers, and AJ Holmes Additional Songs by Darren Criss Based on the books by J.K. Rowling

This script has been released for private viewing only. We sincerely ask that you do not produce this show in any way. As a policy, StarKid Productions does not permit any other group to perform their parody work.

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ACT 1SCENE 1 - THE DEPARTMENT OF MYSTERIESA dark stage; we hear the ding of an elevator as it comes to a stop. An Elevetor Voice says... ELEVATOR VOICE: Bottom Floor. The Department of Mysteries. LUNA: Lumos. (lights up on LUNA LOVEGOOD, her wand drawn; she exits the elevator) NEVILLE: Luna! Wait for me! (NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM enters from the elevator, out of breathe) LUNA: Come on Neville! NEVILLE: Sorry. Its a nervous tick; I slow down whenever I have to hurry up. LUNA: Wow, were here. The Department of Mysteries. Isnt it wonderful? All the worlds most mysterious and magical anomalies in one booby-trapped labyrinth. I wanna see the Room of Death! (she takes out a small pink camera) Smile Neville! (she snaps a pic, the flash goes off)

NEVILLE: Can we just find the rest of the DA? Before the Death Eaters (gulp) find us! LUNA: Oh yeah, were here on a mission. The very last of the Death Eaters broke in and we gotta catch em! Maybe I should turn my flash off. (the flash flashes again) Oops! Thatll be a good one! (Neville panics and jumps into her arms) NEVILLE: Ahh! LUNA: Neville, dont be such a guppy. Whats the worst that could happen? NEVILLE: We could get caught by Death Eaters. LUNA: I think you mean: get killed by the Death Eaters. That would be a lot worse. NEVILLE: Oh d-d-dear. SONG-THE END LUNA: It's been a long time coming But tonight is the end of the war my friend Tomorrow only one side will remain

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We will win or we will lose the fight, either way it's the end, no use to pretend It's the final show, we gotta go, meet our destiny! THIS IS THE END (Luna and Neville are suddenly surrounded by DEATH EATERS, they close in and grab the kids ) NEVILLE: Oh no! Death Eaters! LUNA: Be merciful and kill us quickly! (FENRIR GREYBACK slowly stalks his way into the room) FENRIR: Well, well, well. Luna Lovegood and Neville Schlong-bottom. LUNA: Gasp. Fenrir Greyback. (She snaps a picture) DEATH EATER #1: Should we kill them now, sir? FENRIR: Oh these two little piggies are gonna make a yummy snack, but not yet. For now theyll serve as hostages. The rest of Dumbledores Army must be here somewhere. NEVILLE: You wont get away with this, you villains! FENRIR: Oh really? You DA brats have been a thorn in our side all through your sixth year at Hogwarts, but tonight we reclaim the ultimate weapon and the Death Eaters will rise again. Dolohov! DEATH EATER #2: Yes master. (bringing Fenrir a small pouch) FENRIR: The Department of Mysteries is protected by the most arcane and powerful spells. Thats why the weapon was hidden from us for all these years. But now that were inside the medallion should work. (he removes the Horcrux-Seeking Medallion from the pouch and listens to it) This way! (Fenrir heads off and the Death Eaters follow, dragging Luna and Neville along through the winding, cluttered halls of the department; along the way we see various weird things, like a tank of brains and the Ark of the Covenant) DEATH EATERS: Your time is running out Where is your hero now You can look everywhere but he's nowhere to be found DEATH EATER 1: You look to your right DEATH EATERS: You're not gonna find him! DEATH EATER 1: You look to your left DEATH EATERS: he's not even there! don't even try he doesn't care about you he's moved ooooon he's gone he's gone he's gone! THIS IS THE END

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(Fenrir, the Death Eaters, and the kids reach a safe amidst the piles of mysterious objects; Fenrir holds the medallion to the safe, then his ear) FENRIR: Here it is. Macnair! (he summons MACNAIR, a large Death Eater wielding an axe; Macnair brings his axe down on the safe, cracking it into pieces; inside the safe is a small DIARY; Fenrir picks it up) Yes At last! AT LAST! Finally, the ultimate artifact of evil is within my grasp! Now all of wizardom shall fall to the Dark Mark! You two, however, wont be around for the show. (he approaches Neville and Luna, licking his lips) Ive been working so hard on this evil plan all year, Ive worked up quite an appetite. Its time for a little weirdo sandwich with extra mo-RON! RON: Did somebody say Ron? (a Death Eater removes his mask and is revealed to be none other than RON WEASLEY in disguise) FENRIR: What?! No, I said morLUNA & NEVILLE: Ron! RON: Stupify! FENRIR: Argh! (Fenrir is hit by the spell and throws the diary into the air. Ron catches it) RON: YES! Come on guys, lets get outta here! (Ron pushes over the tank of brains, flooding the stage and entire theatre with slimy, green, brain-filled water; the strange brains begin to ensnare the Death Eaters, allowing the kids to make a break for it) RON, NEVILLE & LUNA: This is the end RON: Of all the fighting RON, NEVILLE & LUNA: This is the end RON: The people dying RON, NEVILLE & LUNA: This is the end RON: There's no trying to deny it's gonna be us or them RON, NEVILLE & LUNA: This is the end RON: The curtain's closing RON, NEVILLE & LUNA: This is the end

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RON: The final showing RON, NEVILLE & LUNA: This is the end RON: This is going to be the best scene in the whole show RON, NEVILLE & LUNA: this is the end (Ron, Neville and Luna run through the various rooms of the department, as they enter each different chamber the Elevator Voice announces its name. The kids dash into a room at the end of a corridor. The Elevator Voice announces) ELEVATOR VOICE: Welcome to: the Room of Time. RON: Alright, were supposed to meet Hermione in here! (HERMIONE GRANGER rushes into the room, also dressed as a Death Eater) HERMIONE: Ron! There you are! (Luna grabs Nevilles arm) LUNA: Neville! A Death Eater! Protect me! NEVILLE: (singing) This is my moment This is my time Ill impress Luna, Then shell be mine (speaking) Take this you Death Eater! (Neville runs to Hermione and begins beating her mercilessly) THIS IS FOR MY FAMILY! HERMIONE: AH! My nose! RON: Neville stop! Thats Hermione! Thats my girlfriend! (Ron pulls Neville off Hermione) NEVILLE: Oh, d-d-d-dear RON: Hermione, are you okay? LUNA: Wow Neville! That was really cool! Ive always wanted to punch Hermione in the face! HERMIONE: Oh goddammit! I think my nose got broken! (she points her wand at her face) Reparo! Tell me Ron, whats the damage? (Hermione removes the Death Eater mask) RON: Woah Hermione, dont be scared but you look hot. HERMIONE: Oh no! There goes all my credibility as an intellecreally!? RON: Yeah! Look in this mirror! (Ron gives Hermione a hand mirror) HERMIONE: Gasp! It didnt break! Well, I may look different, but you guys should just treat me like Im the same old Hermione you know and love. (she turns and addresses the audience) And that goes for you all too. (Hermione winks and flashes a winning smile. The audience chuckles and accepts her at once. She then notices the diary Ron is carrying) Ron, is that a book? Ive never seen you with one of those before! RON: Its a diary. (he hands it to her) Were trying to keep it away from the Death Eaters! LUNA: And its really fun! (DEATH EATER #3 enters and heads toward the kids) DEATH EATER #3: RAWR! RON, LUNA, HERMIONE, & NEVILLE: Death Eater! (the kids run)

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HERMIONE: It's been a long time coming But tonight is the end of the war my friend Tomorrow only one side will remain ALL: This is the end -our time is running out This is the end Where is our hero now This is the end He is nowhere to be found This is the end of all the fighting This is the end The people dying This is the end There's no trying to deny it's gonna be us or them This is the end This is the end This is the end This is the end This is the end this is the end this is the end this is the end this is the end THIS IS THE END (Eventually the chase leads Hermione, Luna, Ron and Neville to The Room of Death. The Death Eaters surround the kids.) ELEVATOR VOICE: Welcome to: the Room of Death. LUNA: Oh boy wow! Look at this veil! Whats beyond it? (Luna pulls back the veil and looks in) Oh! It leads to hell! Hi! (Luna waves at the many demons of hell and snaps a picture. The Death Eaters grab the kids.) FENRIR: Finally caught up with you meddlesome stinkers! Now hand over that diary, you nerd! (he grabs Hermione, attempting to rip the diary from her hands) Struggle all you like! (more Death Eaters fill the room, surrounding the kids) HERMIONE: No! Get away! NEVILLE: Hermione! (he points to an archway as it fills with blinding light) Its H- HHERMIONE: Neville, help me! NEVILLE: Its (he continues to point as the light grows brighter, now Fenrir notices it as well) FENRIR: Oh no. Not him NEVILLE: Its Harry Potter! (suddenly the silhouette of HARRY POTTER fills the archway, he raises his wand to the surrounding Death Eaters) HARRY: Expelliarmus! (the Death Eaters wands are cast aside and they begin to scramble in terror) FENRIR: Where are you going, you cretins!? Hes just a child (Harry emerges from the archway, a full-grown teen wiz-kid)

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HARRY: Im not a child anymore. Im seventeen years old. Happy Birthday to me. And what better present than the last of the Death Eaters, all conveniently in the same place, wrapped in a big bow. You made a mistake coming here tonight, Fenrir. FENRIR: You arrogant little--HARRY: Youve been trying to kill me all year and now you threaten my friends?! Lets finish this. (he raises his wand) FENRIR: As you wish. (he lashes out with his wand) Avada Kedavra! HARRY: (he dodges Fenrirs spell and shoots one of his own) Jelly Legs Jinx! FENRIR: Woah! Woah! My legs are jell (Fenrir stumbles backwards and falls through the veil to hell) WAHHHHH!!! (he is gone) DEATH EATER #1: Lets get out of here! (the Death Eaters scatter to the doors and archways in the room, making their escape) HERMIONE: Harry! The rest of the Death Eaters are getting away! HARRY: Oh no theyre not. (before the Death Eaters can escape, the doors to the chamber burst open) WIZARD COP#1: Freeze motherf*cker, were the Wizard Cops!! (THE WIZARD COPS rush in to save the day, their wands drawn) RON, HERMIONE, LUNA & NEVILLE: The wizard cops! (the Wizard Cops push the Death Eaters to the floor, hand cuffing each and every last one) WIZARD COP#2: On the ground! On the ground! (the Death Eaters are beat. Just then, KINGSLEY SHACKLEBOLT enters) KINGSLEY: Well chocolate frogs, Harry Potter did it again yall. HERMIONE: Kingsley Shacklebolt, the Minister of Magic! KINGSLEY: And chief of the wizard cops. Well, now that yall saved the world and rounded up the last of these Dark Magic turkeys, I gotta ask: Why the HELL cant you kids just let me do my job for once?! HERMIONE: Mr. Shacklebolt, you dont understand! We had to stop the Death Eaters! Harry was having these visions KINGSLEY: Yeah, I already heard the whole story from your Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Hes the one that gave us the call to come down here tonight. Come on in Alastor! (MAD-EYE MOODY enters) MAD-EYE MOODY: Hello, hello. KIDS: Mad Eye Moody! MAD-EYE MOODY: Thats right. That was some fine work you done here, Potter. I taught you well. HARRY: Thanks Professor. MAD-EYE MOODY: And you defeated Fenrir Greyback did you? RON: He sure did. MAD-EYE MOODY: Nice. Very nice. HERMIONE: Looks like the Death Eaters were after this. (she holds up the diary) But we managed to keep it away from them. MAD-EYE MOODY: And its a good thing you did, Miss Granger. If the Death Eaters were to get a hold of that then the entire world would be in jeopardy. You best hand that over to me now. Ill keep it nice and safe. (he reaches for the diary, but Harry intercepts it) HARRY: Oh, Im sure you would Professor Moody, or should I say Barty Crouch! (Panicked, MAD-EYE MOODY rips off his mad-eye revealing himself to actually be the villainous BARTY CROUCH JR.)

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BARTY CROUCH: Blimme! (Barty grabs Kingsley and puts a gun to his head) No one move a goddamn muscle you hear me!? Drop the wands. (everyone freezes and drops their weapons) So Potter, how long have you known it was me? HARRY: Ive had my suspicions for a while. It was briefly mentioned Mad Eye Moody died during my second year, but I wasnt sure it was you until tonight. Now youre gonna answer for you crimes, Farty Couch. BARTY CROUCH: Oh yeah? Ive got a better idea! Me and Mr. Shacklebolt are gonna make our way to the Floo Network, and were going on nice little trip, and none of you jive-ass bobbies is gonna follow! You dig!? (this infuriates the Wizard Cops, but Kingsley motions for them to calm down) KINGSLEY: Chill my wizard-cats. We dig Mood-Eye. We dig. (Barty begins to drag Kingsley away) HARRY: Oh Barty, if youre going on a vacation I know a first rate hotel that offers free bodyguard service and meals. It has every amenity. One could live there. BARTY CROUCH: Oh, Im sure they require reservations. HARRY: Nope. You dont need one for Hotel Azkaban! BARTY CROUCH: Thats enough out of you Potter; you self-righteous son of a bitch. (he points his gun at Harry) Avada Kedavra! Huh? (Nothing happens. This is because a gun is not a wand and cannot shoot spells. Hermione picks up her wand and aims it at Barty) HERMIONE: Stupify! (Barty falls backwards, out for the count; Kingsley is free) BARTY CROUCH: AHHHHHHH!!!! KIDS: Yey! KINGSLEY: That was some quick thinking. You just saved my life. But that still doesnt excuse what you kids did here tonight. Breaking into the Department of Mysteries, flying threshals right through the Queens Day parade. You kittens may think Dumbledores Army can take on the world, but yall should have called us the second you heard some funky shit was going down here tonight! HARRY: Sorry Kingsley, just didnt have the time. KINGSLEY: You know what Potter!? Youre a hot-shot loose cannon! Its that kind of maverick attitude that makes you perfect for the Wizard Cops! KIDS: Wow! KINGSLEY: So what do you say HP, you ready to join the force and take a bite out of crime? HARRY: Id love to. But I cant.

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KINGSLEY: And why the HELL not!? HARRY: Cause Im going back to Hogwarts. Senior year starts September first. KINGSLEY: Haha. Well dang HP, youre right. Its a shame though; you wouldve made one wizard-goddamn, wizard-hell of a wizard-cop. Alright boys, pack these suckers up! (Kingsley and the Wizard Cops start taking the Death Eaters away; Harry stuffs the diary into his pocket and picks Barty up off the floor) HARRY: Beaten again. You Death Eaters never learn. Your Dark Lords been dead for five years. Why do you guys keep hanging on to something thats over? BARTY CROUCH: Well, if its over for me then its over for you too, Potter. All you are is someone who fights us. When were gone the world wont need a hero. And soon, youll be forgotten. If the Dark Lord cant live forever, then neither can you. HARRY: (Harry looks a Barty for a moment, then pushes him towards the Wizard Cops) Take him away.

SCENE 2 THE BURROWLights up on The Burrow, the home of the Weasley family; the house is small and messy, on the wall hangs a sign that reads Burrow, Sweet Burrow. MOLLY WEASLEY enters in a huff MOLLY: Rise and shine, Weasleys! Its September 1st and you know what that means! You little knuckleheads better be packed and ready to leave for school after breakfast! (GINNY WEASLEY enters) GINNY: Hi, mom! Have you seen my boyfriend, Harry Potter? MOLLY: No dear, I havent dear. Ive got all these extra kids staying at the house! Bills wife. Rons girlfriend! Harrys girlfriend! Im swamped! Would you go and wake everyone up for me? GINNY: You got it mom! (GINNY walks up a crooked staircase to the bedroom, where she finds RON sitting on the edge of the bed, lightly strumming a guitar and singing with his meager voice) GINNY: Heeeeeyyy Haaaaarrrryy Potter! Its time for breakfast! RON: AHH! EVER HEARD OF KNOCKING!?! Get outta my room! (RON hides his guitar from GINNY) GINNY: Its my room too Ronald! What are you doing in here anyway? RON: None of your beeswax thunder-butt! CHARLIE: Hes writing a love song for his girlfriend. (CHARLIE WEASLEY pops up from beneath the covers.) RON: Charlie! Get outta here! CHARLIE: Its my room too. FLEUR: I think its romantic! (FLEUR DELACOUR pops up from beneath the covers) RON: Fleur! BILL: I think youre romantic. (BILL WEASLEY pops up) FLEUR: Bill! (they kiss) RON: Ew! Get a room you two! BILL: This is our room! PERCY: Will you guys shut your fat faces! Its the butt-crack of dawn! (PERCY is also in the bed) BILL: Percy, youre just jealous of Ronnies girlfriend, and my beautiful wife. PERCY: As if! Argh! Im gonna go sleep out in the garden! At least the gnomes are quiet!

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RON: Percy! Dont go out there! Hermiones reading in the garden! PERCY: So? Why isnt she in here with you, Mr. Perfect?! CHARLIE: Yeah, whats up Ron? Why didnt Hermione crawl into bed with us last night? BILL, FLEUR, GINNY: Yeah? RON: Well, she was up late reading. We havent been spending too much time together cause shes really into these young adult novels lately. (Percy storms out of the room) RON: Thats what the guitar is for. I thought I could sweep Hermione off her feet if I wrote her a song. Im just trying to get her to kiss me again. CHARLIE: Well, when was the last time she kissed you? RON: Let me think Um Yeah. It was that first time. FLEUR: Ron, as someone whos so very happy in love, I have advice for. Just how you say?... Be yourself! GINNY: Yeah Ron! Thats what girls want. Not love songs or cheesy compliments or surprise presents. (just then HARRY literally surfs into the room on a heart shaped guitar, being held up by enchanted rose pedals. He aims a real bow and arrow at GINNY, as though he were cupid, but misses and pierces RON in the leg.) RON: AHRGH! (HARRY then surfs onto the bed and flips the guitar into the air. He sings) HARRY: Ginny, Ginny, Ginny, youre my lover, oh yeah! I love you Ginny Weasely! Youre the most magical creature Ive ever seen! Surprise! A present! (he pulls out the Diary from the Department of Mysteries with a bow on it) GINNY: AHHHHHHH! HARRY POTTER, YOURE THE BEST BOYFRIEND EVER! A diary!?!? Oh boy!

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HARRY: Yup. Those Death Eaters arent using it anymore so I figured Id give it to you as a going back to Hogwarts gift. GINNY: Oh, Harry Potter! Its perfect! Im going to go write in it right away! (She exits) HARRY: Hey Ron. Hey Weasleys! WEASLEYS: Hey good buddy! HARRY: Guys, thanks for letting me stay at the Burrow all summer. RON: No problem pal. Sorry you had to share a bed with Ginny the whole time. It must be weird sleeping with your girlfriend. HARRY: No. It was weird that your mom was there too. And you. And your whole family. All in one bed. You guys are so poor. RON: Yeah You all packed for Hogwarts? HARRY: Yep. I got my invisibility cloak, that piece of the mirror Sirius gave me, and my talk boy. But what I cant find is my lucky snitch. RON: You mean the one Dumbledore left you when he died? HARRY: Yeah, have you guys seen it? It has an inscription on the side of it that says I open at the close, whatever that means. BILL: Oh, I think I saw that behind Fleurs ear! (Bills pulls the Snitch out from behind Fleurs ear) FLEUR: Bill! You did a magic! (they kiss. Then Bill, Fleur and Charlie exit.) RON: Man. Im surrounded by people kissing. Bill and Fleur. You kiss Ginny. I wanna do that too! HARRY: Dude, shes your sister, just ask her. RON: Gross! No, I mean with Hermione. HARRY: Gross! (just then Hermione enters, sighing and closing her copy of the book Mockingjay) HERMIONE: Oh wow. Our young depressed heroine reluctantly settles for the doughy boy next door. And although she had some kids, I like to think she was still unfulfilled. Another perfect end to another perfect young adult novel series. The Hunger Games, by Gilderoy Lockheart; hes such a genius! HARRY: Whos Gilderoy Lockheart? HERMIONE: Whos Gilderoy Lockheart!? Hes only my favorite author and idol! Hes like the most talented, famous, beautiful wizard ever! Hes given the world so many wonderful young adult novels. The Twilight Saga. The Hunger Games. Percy Jackson and whatever he did. HARRY: Twilight? Oh, I heard about that. I dont like how those books objectify men. HERMIONE: Oh yeah hot stuff! Have you ever read them!? Have you ever read a book!? HARRY: No! Have you ever not read a book? HERMIONE: No! I just cant stand people who dont read. Ron, are you almost done with the Hunger Games? I gave you the first book weeks ago. RON: UhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhYeah. Yes. I did. It was good. It was a good game. HERMIONE: Oh really? What is it about? RON: Uhhhhhh.Its about a. umuh hungry! uhhh withholding girl who wont KISS HER BOYFRIEND!! HERMIONE: You did read it! GINNY: Hey guys! I already told my diary so now Im gonna tell you! Breakfast is ready! Come on! (They walk downstairs to the dining room. The table is set. BILL, FLUER & THE OTHER WEASLEYS enter)

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FLEUR: Bon jour, Weasleys! PERCY: Yeah, sorry my girlfriend couldnt be here everyone, but the wifi isnt working. BILL: Percy, you dont have a girlfriend. PERCY: EAT IT, CREEPO! BILL: Booger Butt! MOLLY: Boys, stop it! Arthur say something! They dont respect me! ARTHUR: Bill! Dont call your brother names! Percy! Dont lie to the family, it hurts your poor mother! Look shes crying! MOLLY: Ill be fine! Im just so sad that this is the last meal we have with these boys before they leave me for a whole year! (she rushes over to Harry and Ron and pulls them in tight) I cant wait until youre all done with Hogwarts so you can just move back in here! Like all my other children! Even Fred came back from the dead as a ghost to stay at home! (FRED floats up through the table) FRED: The light I can see the light its my time to move on now looks like I wont be able to do the dishesPercy will have to cover for me (chuckles from the rest of the Weasleys) MOLLY: Oh Fred, knock it off. And get out of the table! (GEORGE comes from around the corner with a sheet over his head and eye holes cut out.) GEORGE: But Im Fred! MOLLY: George!!! HAHAHAHA! (Everyone laughs raucously except PERCY) PERCY: Thats not funny. (he laughs a little bit though) MOLLY: That includes you Harry! The second youre done with Hogwarts youre more than welcome to move right in here! HARRY: Golly, thats really nice of you Mrs. Weasley. MOLLY: So ARE YOU MOVING IN OR NOT? HARRY: Um, I dont know. I guess I never thought about life after Hogwarts. Its the only home Ive ever known. I cant even imagine leaving it behind. BILL: Well you dont have to worry about that yet, Harry. Youve still got your whole senior year. ARTHUR: Speaking of senior year! Ive got a present for you Ronnie my boy! Its a Weasley family tradition! Here you go son, the keys to the flying car! WEASLEYS: YEH! ARTHUR: Yep! Youre going to Hogwarts in style! And you can have it all year son! HARRY & RON: This is gonna be the best year ever! ARTHUR: It sure is! Cheers Everyone! To senior year! EVEYONE: To senior year! (they all clink glasses) SONG- SENIOR YEAR RON: (singing) Were going back to Hogwarts for the very last time HERMIONE: our final year, at last its here, time to start our lives GINNY: and everyones excited 'bout what the future holds for you what the worlds most famous wizard is gonna get into

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ALL: well were going back today in the very same old way tell me Harry, cant you hear its gonna be your year Its a VERY POTTER SENIOR YEAR They hear the Honk! Honk! of the Flying Car as it magically pulls up outside RON: (speaking) Come on guys! Lets hop in the flying car and get outa here! WEASLEYS: Bye! ARTHUR: I love you so much! Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny pile into the Flying Car and take off for Hogwarts RON: (singing) I never thought that we would get this far But we made it, we're on top of the world! ALL: (We're on top of the world) RON: I feel unstoppable, I'm super-charged ALL: It's contagious that's for sure (We're on top of the world)

HERMIONE: Well have some cool new spells to learn And were gonna earn good grades GINNY: Youre gonna spend lotsa time with me And this is gonna be The very best year! ALL: The very best year! ALL: Its a very potter senior year! Senior year! Were not just kids anymore! Senior year! Senior year! Better than ever before! ALL: It's a very Potter Senior Year! HARRY:

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Somethings on the horizon And I know that something is me Ive been realizin Theres no one else Id rather be than me you know I'm gonna rule the school RON: Just remember when you need a friend Our friendship never ends I'll be there GINNY & HERMIONE: (We're at your side) HERMIONE: Don't forget I got a hand to lend You don't have to pretend Anymore GINNY & RON: (No don't do that) HARRY: Cause you're the very best friends to me and this is gonna be the very best year! ALL: The very best year! ALL: Its a very potter senior year! Senior year! Were not just kids anymore! Senior year! Senior year! Better than ever before! GINNY & HERMIONE: This is the last time HARRY: Ill be the king of the school, RON: Oh man it's gonna rule! GINNY & HERMIONE: This is the last time RON: We gotta make it count, HARRY: That's what I'm all about! GINNY & HERMIONE: This is the magic HARRY & RON: Of growing up and showing up for ALL:

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Senior year GINNY, RON & HERMIONE: This is the last time HARRY: And soon all the fun Will be over and done GINNY, RON & HERMIONE: This is the last time HARRY: Its hard to pretend That Im not scared of the end GINNY, RON & HERMIONE: This is the magic HARRY: There must be something more But I should get ready for my seniorALL: senior year! Senior year! Were not just kids anymore! Senior year! Senior year! Better than ever before! (this is the last time) It's a Very Potter Senior Year! Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny look out their windshield to see HOGWARTS off in the distance; its glorious. RON: Well, there she is. Hogwarts. Welcome home Harry. HARRY: Okay Ron, just land in that courtyard over there so everyone can see how cool we look. RON: You got it buddy. (as they descend the ride becomes very turbulent) HARRY: Ron, keep her steady man. Dont hit the Whomping Willow or anything. RON: Okay, dude, Im trying! Uh oh! Were going down! Hold on! HARRY: TO WHAT!? KIDS: Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! (they crash)

SCENE 3 THE GREAT HALLLights up on the smoking wreckage of the Flying Car, which has crashed into the Herbology Room of Hogwarts; completely destroying it HARRY: Woah. Wipe out. HERMIONE: Ron, look what you did!

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HARRY: Hey, at least we crashed into the Herbology Room. I always hated that class. (the Flying Car suddenly comes to life once more and drives off) RON: Hey! Hey! Where are you going?! HARRY: No, Ron, your cars got the right idea. Lets get outta here before we get in really big trouble. (suddenly MINERVA MCGONAGALL enters) MCGONAGALL: Oh, in the name of stuffy, old ninnies everywhere, whats all the hubbub in here POTTER!? KIDS: Professor McGonagall! MCGONAGALL: Look what youve done to greenhouse! An entire crop of Mandrakes destroyed! Itll take all year to grow another! And look! You killed Professor Sprout! Youd better have a jolly good explanation for all this or, so help me, youll be expelled so fast your head will spin-spin like a Fizzing Fancy!

HARRY: Guys, lemme take care of this. Professor, this isnt what it looks like. We couldnt have destroyed the Herbology room, you see because it was like this when we got here. MCGONAGALL: Potter, I know I may not be as hip as Dumbledore was but Im the Headmaster of this school now. I consider myself a very reasonable uptight-bitch but if you expect me to believe that cockamamie excuse then youve got another thing coming! RON: But its true! MCGONAGALL: Im sorry, but if you havent got a witness to back up your story then its out of my hands, Potter. (just then, DRACO MALFOY struts into the room) DRACO: Well, well, well What a fine opportunity that has fallen from the sky straight into my diapered lap. HARRY: Malfoy! DRACO: How fortuitous that I happened to be exploring the next room with my bilingual friend Dora (Draco holds up a Dora the Explora doll), when I witnessed the entire goings on of what happened here tonight. MCGONAGALL: Oh thank goodness, Draco. Can you please clear up this whole mess? DRACO: Indeed I can. But before I do, I just want to point out to Mr. Potter how I now hold his fate in the palm of my tiny hand. RON: Malfoy, you little shit DRACO: And I can safely say, Headmaster, that these fellows are entirely innocent. MCGONAGALL, HARRY, RON, HERMIONE & GINNY: What?!

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MCGONAGALL: Well, then whos responsible for this severe property damage? DRACO: Isnt it obvious? (to his Dora the Explora doll) Sorry old friend. (turns to McGonagall) It was Dora. MCGONAGALL: Miss Explora! I am shocked! Well youre coming with me. DRACO: Looks like this is where our adventure ends Dora. I really did love you. (Draco puts his hand over his mouth and makes a small Dora voice) Te amo tambien, y lo siento MCGONAGALL: You kids had better head off to the Great Hall or youll miss the welcoming feast. Spit spot! Off you go! (she exits) RON: (wiping sweat from his brow) Shwew. That was a close one. HARRY: Alright, Malfoy, whats the deal? DRACO: What? Surprised how I could pin your crime on that saucy tart? Im not denying it, I did sleep with her; but shes been seeing my Paddington Bear behind my back for weeks now. Ill have to settle up with him one of these days; hes had his own way for far too long. You see Potter, its very dangerous to be one of my enemies. Thats why its a good thing that were friends. HARRY: Yeah right. Ill never be your friend Malfoy. Come on guys. (the kids head out of the Herbology room and make their way through the halls of Hogwarts) DRACO: Oh come now, surely you chaps must remember all the good times weve had during our school years together. Like when we battled Professor Quirell and I destroyed that last horcrux. Or how about when I traveled back in time to our first year to save you from my evil father? HARRY: No, I dont really remember that cause I was 11. DRACO: Well, certainly you cant have forgotten our third year?! The most memorable and beloved one, when we all went to Pigfarts! I did a lot of really important stuff that year; and there were so many songs and good clean jokes and nobody swore. HARRY: Oh yeah, I remember F*ck that year. DRACO: Weve only got one more year together, chums. What do you say we finally burry the hatchet and enjoy these, the best days of our lives, together, as good friends should? HARRY: Whatever, Malfoy. Just butt out. RON: As in, get your poopy butt outta here! DRACO: Alright, dudes. Until next time, hang loose! (he exits as Harry and the gang reach THE GREAT HALL; kids flood the stage and there is a great hustle and bustle; SEAMUS FINNIGAN and DEAN THOMAS enter) SEAMUS: Bloody nuts, its Harry Potter. HARRY: Seamus. (he hugs Seamus) Dean, gimme some skin. (he hugs Dean) DEAN: Much love. (there is the flash of a camera, COLIN CREEVEY has taken a picture of them) COLIN: Zowzers bowzers! Harry Potter! Mind a few pictures? For the school paper? HARRY: Whos this? COLIN: Colin Creevey, sir. First year. I just got sorted into Gryffindor House, and Im a huge fan! HARRY: Is that so? Thats what I like to hear. Hey, be sure to get one of just me. (Harry poses) COLIN: Jillickers! Sure! (Colin snaps another picture) (just then NEARLY-HEADLESS NICK floats by) NICK: Boo! Did I frighten you Gryffindors?

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RON: Are you kidding, Nearly-Headless Nick?! Gryffindor is the house of the free and the home of the brave! NICK: Thats what I like to hear! See you at my Death-Day Party, will I? HARRY: I wouldnt miss it for the world. HERMIONE: Sounds intellectually stimulating! NICK: Good show! (he floats away) COLIN: Well, Im off to the dark-room to develop these shots. Wow! I still cant believe Im in the same house as THE Harry Potter! (he exits) HARRY: I can tell that boy has a long and illustrious career ahead of him. (as all the kids head to their tables/benches, McGonagall reenters and takes center stage) MCGONAGALL: Alright children! Silence! Silence! Welcome one and all to another magical year at Hogwarts! For some of you, this is your first year. For others, this is your last. But whether youre Freshmen, Seniors, or in between, I hope that you all have a lot of fun! Now, before I introduce this years Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, I would like to present the schools newly chosen Head-Girl, Miss Cho Chang! (CHO CHANG stands) CHO: Howdy, yall! Im the Head-Girl, so come to me with all your head-needs. Or if you need any help with school and stuff! MCGONAGALL: Now I wouldve introduced this years Head-Boy, but sadly the young man who was chosen was murdered at the end of last term by Fenrir Greyback. RON: Poor fool. MCGONAGALL: Of course, we cannot leave the school Head-Boy-Less, so to fill the gap we have chosen two male students to act as candidates in the first ever Hogwarts Head-Boy Election. These two young men will campaign for the position throughout the first term, at the end of which there will be a school-wide vote. The winner, having been determined to be the most popular boy at school, will act as Head-Boy for the rest of the year. And the two candidates are Harry Potter! RON: Woo! Woo! Woo! MCGONAGALL: And Draco Malfoy! RON: Hahaha! Malfoy?! DRACO: Hmm, it is with a heavy heart that I accept this civil duty. Of course my vote will be going to Harry Potter, who I believe to be the best man for the job. HARRY: Thank you Malfoy. Ill be voting for myself as well. MCGONAGALL: You will each been be given a campaign budget of $50 KIDS: (impressed) Ooooo MCGONAGALL: Whence you have settled upon a campaign manager. HARRY: Easy. As my campaign manager I choose my very best friend whos really smart and good at organizing things Ron Weasley! DRACO: A fine choice. And for my campaign manager, I pick my most trusted underling Crabbe and Goyle. (a door opens and GOYLE walks onto the stage alone and sad) Goyle, where the devil is Crabbe? GOYLE: Hm Me and Crabbe were in the Room of Requirements We started a fire and (sigh) Crabbes dead. DRACO: Oh no I was counting on his vote. GOYLE: But its okay. I met this guy on the train who seems pretty cool. (through the door walks THE CANDY LADY pushing her trolley of candy) CANDY LADY: Candy from the trolley? DRACO: Oh brimstone and broil. Shell have to do.

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HARRY: This is great. For a while I was worried, but without Crabbe, Malfoy doesnt stand a chance! RON: Yeah, Harry. You got this election in the bag! (suddenly the door swings open, startling everyone, and GILDEROY LOCKHEART enters) GILDEROY: Oh, I wouldnt be so sure of that. SEAMUS: Bloody piss! Its HERMIONE: Gilderoy Lockheart! KIDS: WOOOOAAAAHHHH!!!!! GILDEROY: Yes, yes, hello ladies and ladies. (he takes Cho Changs hand and kisses it) Here, have a signed headshot. (he hands her the picture) Thatll be forty dollars. (she gives him some money) Thanks. MCGONAGALL: Children, it is my great pleasure to introduce your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher: New York Times bestseller, Tony Award winner and all around heartthrob Mr. Gilderoy Lockheart!

GILDEROY: Why thank you, Headmaster. Youre too kind for your own good, and a little too foxy for mine. (wink; McGonagall swoons) Here, have a signed copy of my country album. (Gilderoy hands her a record entitled Achey Breaky Lockheart.) Seventeen big ones please. (he takes a 20 dollar bill from her) Ill keep the change. SEAMUS: (points to Gilderoy) Thats the most famous wizard in the world that is! HARRY: Woah, guys! (stands and points to himself) I think you mean second most famous. GILDEROY: Well, Harry Potter. We meet at last. Yes, Ive heard all about your heroic deeds in the past. (they shake hands) HARRY: Yeah. Well, why dont you have a copy my country album? (Harry hands Gilderoy a record entitled Save A Horse, Ride A Cow-Boy Who Lived) On the house. GILDEROY: Oh, how generous of you. But why would I want a record thats so out of fashion?! (he throws the record to the ground, shattering it into a million pieces) KIDS: WHAT?! GILDEROY: Oh, didnt you kids hear? Harry Potter used to be cool. SEAMUS: Used to be cool? DEAN: Watchu talkin bout? GILDEROY: I guess youve all been locked up in this horrible school for so long that youve lost touch with the real magical world.

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RON: But Harry just saved the real magical world from real Death Eaters. GILDEROY: Boring! How sick are we all of seeing Harry fight Death Eater after Death Eater in these long, drawn-out episodes? I mean, how many years ago did the Dark Lord die?! Five! And heres Harry Potter, still doing the same thing again and again. Look! Hes even been dating the same butter-faced girl since he was twelve! I mean, when will it end so we can move on with our lives?! SEAMUS: Yeah! HARRY: No, youre wrong Gilderoy. People love me. My adventures arent repetitive. Theyre familiar and comforting. Besides, if the whole Wizarding world isnt obsessed with Harry Potter, then who are they into now? GILDEROY: Why that would be me. Im telling you children, take one step off the grounds of Hogwarts and you know what theyll be talking about? A forbidden love between a young girl and a Dracula monster. Twilight. Now a major motion picture. (he hands a signed copy of the book to the kids) KIDS: OoooooOooo. LAVENDAR: Forbidden love. Sounds exciting! LUNA: And smutty! Wow! Harrys love story has always been an under-developed side thing. GILDEROY: And have you children ever heard the amazing tale of Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief?! KIDS: Ohhhh. LAVENDAR: Whats a Lightning Thief!? GILDEROY: I dont know Yes, the world has grown weary of Harry Potter. Hes nothing more than a passing fad! Entirely old hat. HARRY: Old hat?! OLD HAT?! Hows this for old hat? (he takes out his guitar and begins to sing) Hermione cant draw. Hermione cant draw. Hermione cannot draw (Cho stands in Hermiones defense) CHO: Harry, that song is not funny anymore. It is rude and insensitive! Making fun of Herman Granger?! How dare you! Shes my best friend! HARRY: Wha But Come on guys No one delivers classic musical hijinks like HP GILDEROY: Oh, why anyone could strum that silly old lyre! It takes a real man to tickle the ivories (Gilderoy sits down at a baby grand piano which has risen from the floor Phantomof-the-Opera style; he begins to play it as he sings) SONG- WIZARD OF THE YEAR GILDEROY: Who's wiser than a warlock, and tougher than a troll, and charming as a candy cane? Faster than a phoenix, sly as a sphinx, and always set to entertain? Here to give this sagging tale a hero to employ. Look up to the skies, now look in my eyes, it's Gilderoy!

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Who's handsome as a hobbit, and manly as a mare, and always gives the girls a wink? Who's funny as a ferret, and quick as a quill, and always sings without a lip sync? Here to rid your nostrils of that dreadful Potter boy 'cause that smell in the air is the marvelous flair of scuse me, Gilderoy! Long ago lived a fellow who caught your eye, Hair that curled in a beautiful fro. Now it's gone, and replaced with a suit and tie, dancing in a variety show. Oh, where did he go? Does he even care at all? Recently, he's been acting very queer. Every day, his story grows more and more banal, And Voldemort isn't coming this year. Gilderoy is here to fill your short attention span. Why look at that wonder boy, when you could be looking at a wonder man? GIRLS: We could be looking at a wonder man! GILDEROY: Who was Wizard of the Year seven times in seven years? (spoken) Who was it? KIDS: Gilderoy! GILDEROY: Who conquered all his fears and made a bogart disappear? (spoken) go on say it! KIDS: Gilderoy! GILDEROY: Who taught a yeti how to sing? Walked in to Mordor and destroyed the ring? Battled a banshee and came out a champ? trapped Jafar inside of a lamp? Stories of wonder for each girl and boy Paperback or hardback, for you to enjoy Form an orderly line, KIDS: It's Gilderoy! (As they sings this, everyone forms a line and walks up one at a time, handing over cash for

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books, headshots, pieces of lint from Gilderoy's armpits, etc) GILDEROY: Ladies one at a time! KIDS: It's Gilderoy! GILDEROY: Give me something to sign! KIDS: It's Gilderoy! GILDEROY: All sales are final. Soon the school will be mine! EVERYONE: It's Gilderoy!! (The kids laugh and cheer and follow Gilderoy out of the room; the only two people left are Harry and Ginny) HARRY: Yeah! Yeah! That song was okay. But check this out! (singing) Im Harry Freakin Potter! I dont wince at all! Im invincible from allharm (talking) Ow. Ouch. Oh man. What is this? OuchI feel something? Its not like a bummer or even a wipe out. Its like a drag, man... but worse. GINNY: Oh Harry. Dont listen to that Gilderoy. Everybody still likes you, even if no one likes you anymore. HARRY: No. Hes right. GINNY: Harry HARRY: Hes right, Ginny. Im boring. Im predictable. I keep doing the same stuff every year. Fight the same dudes. Date the same girl. Im old hat. GINNY: Well, you know what they say about an old hat! It fits like a glove! HARRY: I gotta shake things up! I gotta change everything! Stay fresh! Have a forbidden love of my own! Then people wont forget about me! Ever! Ginny, Im sorry butWe have to break up. GINNY: What? But but we love each other. Dont we? HARRY: Ginny, its not that I dont like you. Its that other people dont like me. Its nothing personal. GINNY: But I need you. My body needs you! I gave you five years of my life! HARRY: Yeah, and they were bodacious. We had some really great times. Ill never throw out any of the stuff you bought me. And Im sure youll never forget how hard I wrocked your world. GINNY: So, thats it?! Goodbye? Just like that?! HARRY: Ginny, this isnt goodbye. Its just youre cramping my style. Ginny, Im sorry. Please dont make this hard on me. GINNY: Fine! I wont Harry Potter! You suck! (Ginny runs off crying as Ron enters) HARRY: Ginny, thats not fair! You know Im self-conscious about that right now! RON: Whoa. Whats wrong with her?

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HARRY: Ron, Im sorry man but I just broke up with your sister. (Ron stares at him for a moment in disbelief) RON: YEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS!!!!!! This is the best news ever! I gotta tell you, I hated pretending to be nice to your girlfriend because I cannot stand my stupid little sister. Yes! This feels good! HARRY: Yeah, I just hope shell be okay. RON: Who cares?! Youre a free man! You can do whatever you want. You could finally go on a date with Cho Chang, yall. HARRY: Yeah, maybe. But first lets concentrate on making sure Im still the most popular kid in school. Lets win that Head-Boy election! (the boys exit)

SCENE 4- ALWALYS DANCELights up on the Girls Bathroom; Ginny sits in an open stall, holding a picture of Harry Potter and sobbing her eyes out GINNY: No. No. It cant be trueP-p-p-p-p-p-wease. (suddenly MOANING MYRTLE, a ghost, floats out of a nearby stall) MOANING MYRTLE: Hey! Shut up over there! People are avoiding this bathroom and I think its your fault! GINNY: Sorry Moaning MyrtleIm just heartbroken MOANING MYRTLE: Aw, get me a violin! Harry Potters girlfriend sad cause shes still alive! F*CK YOU! GINNY: Im not Harry Potters girlfriend anymore. I might as well die MOANING MYRTLE: Well dont die here! The last thing this school needs is a whiney BITCH haunting this bathroom! Now keep it down! Your voice is annoying! (she floats away) GINNY: Okay Sniff, Sniff. (Ginny takes out the Diary that Harry gave to her and starts writing) Dear Diary. Its me, Ginny. Today my whole world fell apart. My boyfriend dumped me! Well, you know what? Im done with him! I hate him! You hear me diary? I hate Harry Potter! (an eerie voice emits from the Diary; the voice of TOM RIDDLE) TOM RIDDLE: Tell me about it.

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GINNY: Huh? Huuuuh?! Who said that? TOM RIDDLE: Someone who understands you Ginny. Someone who knows what its like to be filled with hate. GINNY: Diary?! TOM RIDDLE: Im a journal! Not a diary! Diaries are for girls. No, Ginny, Im a magic diary SHIT! I mean, journal! Im a magic journal enchanted with the spirit of its former owner. GINNY: Harry? TOM RIDDLE: No! GINNY: Harry gave it to me. TOM RIDDLE: Read the name on the cover, stupid! GINNY: Tom (tries to read middle name) Marv Marvle Mar TOM RIDDLE: Just skip that name. Its a made up name for this letter re-arranging trick youll find out later. Just go to the next name. GINNY: Riddle. TOM RIDDLE: Yes, Tom Riddle. Im a piece of his soul, separated from the whole and bound to this diary SHIT! JOURNAL! BOUND TO THIS F*CKING JOURNAL! GINNY: What do want, diary? TOM RIDDLE: To help you, Ginny. Thats what journals are for. See, I was once like you. Alone. Angry. The world had turned its back on me. GINNY: What did you do?! TOM RIDDLE: Let me show you in a magic flashback. It all started when I was a boy, an orphan boy (Lights down on Ginny. Lights up on the magic flashback; we find ourselves in Wools Orphanage, many years ago. Mrs. Cole enters in the midst of conversation.) MRS. COLE: I think youll find that Wools Orphanage is a first rate establishment. We carry over seven breeds of orphan, including street urchin, rosy-cheeked, crippled, delightfully small, and one evil, little, telekinetic anti-Christ. Oh, and then theres Tom Riddle. Tell me, what kind of orphan are you interested in today, Mr DUMBLEDORE: Dumbledore. (Dumbledore enters. He is dressed in a purple suit; he wears Scarfy around his neck) Albus Dumbledore. But you can call me Dumby, or Big D. The D stands for my doctorate! Im a professor, at a school for very magical children I mean, regular children. MRS. COLE: Well, Big D, we have a couple of those in stock. Follow me. SCARFY: Your shawl is cute! Whats his name?! (Dumbledore turns away from Mrs. Cole) DUMBLEDORE: (whispers) Scarfy! Quiet! This is a muggle orphanage. Were undercover! MRS. COLE: Why thank you, Dumby. I got this shawl at Marshals. Youre a charmer. DUMBLEDORE: Oh yeah. Listen, Doll-Face, Im here to see one little cutie in particular. That Tom Riddle. I think he might be just right for our school. MRS. COLE: Tom Riddle? Are you sure you dont want to see the Anti-Christ? Hes a little less freaky. DUMBLEDORE: Freaky? How is Tom freaky? MRS. COLE: There have been several incidents, Mr. Dumbledore. Nasty things. You see hes always dancing around like a little fruitcake. Its poisoning the other boys minds. They see him dance and it looks so fun they wanna dance too. DUMBLEDORE: And just what is wrong with that?

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MRS. COLE: Well, you know how these things go; first its dancing then its musical theatre. And I dont want these boys to become a bunch of thesbians, if you catch my meaning. Its just not natural. DUMBLEDORE: Ah, what do you know you filthy muggle! Ill see the boy and judge for myself, thank you very much. MRS. COLE: Suit yourself. But I warn you, that boy is a monster. (Mrs. Cole and Dumbledore enter Tom Riddles room. Tom sits on his bed.) Thomas, you have a visitor. A Professor Dumbledore. DUMBLEDORE: How do you do, Tom? (Tom turns to Dumbledore) TOM RIDDLE: Professor? Like a doctor? They sent you to take a look at me! Well, theres nothing wrong with me! I didnt do anything to that little boy in that cave by the sea! MRS. COLE: Dont shout at him, Mr. Man! Hes from a school that might just take you off my hands, you evil little heathen! DUMBLEDORE: Thank you, Mrs. Cole. I think I can take it from here. Now get outta here! (Mrs. Cole exits) TOM RIDDLE: Why dont you get outta here too? Youre not gonna want me. Shes right, you know. I'm evil. DUMBLEDORE: You're not evil, Tom. You're cute! TOM RIDDLE: No. I am evil. Mrs. Cole told me that my mommy died when I came out of her tummy. The first thing I ever did was kill somebody. DUMBLEDORE: Well, Tom, sometimes you accidentally kill your family. It's nothing to beat yourself up about. You know who killed his sister while he was in a fight with his boyfriend? This guy, right here. (Dumbledore points to himself) TOM RIDDLE: Youve killed people too? DUMBLEDORE: Oh yeah. But it doesnt make me bad, and it doesnt make you bad. There are just some things you dont know about yourself. All you need is a big strong hand to put you on the right path. Tell me, Tom, do you ever feel like you're different from all the other little boys? TOM RIDDLE: Uh huh. DUMBLEDORE: And sometimes can you make extra special things happen? Silly fun things? TOM RIDDLE: Well when I get really happy, I can shoot sparkles from my hands! DUMBLEDORE: Gasp! You know what that means?! Tom, that means... you're a magic boy! TOM RIDDLE: What?! DUMBLEDORE: You know those sparkles that come from your hands? That's magic! You're a wizard, Tom! TOM RIDDLE: Oh boy! I knew I was special! DUMBLEDORE: And you're gonna come with me, and I'm gonna take you to a magical school for wizards with a silly name! Do you wanna know the name? It's Hogwarts! TOM RIDDLE: Hehe! That's funny! DUMBLEDORE: And at Hogwarts the professors are giant people, and tiny people, and werewolves, and cats! And we play games! And there's no homework! And all we learn how to do is sing and dance!!! TOM RIDDLE: Whoppie!!!! Yahoo!!!!! Sparkles! (Tom jumps around happily and shoots sparkles from his hands)

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DUMBLEDORE: Oh Tom! Look at that sparkly magic! You're so happy! You look as gay as the 4th of July! TOM RIDDLE: Yey! I'm magic! I'm gay! DUMBLEDORE: Me too! Tom, from this moment forward, youre turning over a new leaf. SONG- ALWAYS DANCE DUMBLEDORE: Now you are a boy, an orphan boy, and deep inside of you a broken soul, a gaping hole has left you feeling blue. But you're not like the other boys you've got that magic flair. Cause when you start to sway, you get carried away! And no one can compare. I've been watching you play, (TR: you have?) I've been listening to the things that you say (TR: uh oh) and I've come to tell you today, You're no ordinary blighter. You've got a broken heart, (TR: sigh) and you keep reaching inside to tear it apart, But I'm here to give you a brand new start And make your spirits brighter! When all the other boys start to laugh and jeer, I know a secret way you can make them disappear. You've got the talent, kid, so here's your chance. They might not understand, but just stick to the plan and show em all its time to dance! Always dance! Always dance! Though they'll try to stop you, always dance. Shut your mouth and stop your yapping, Take your foot and set it tapping! You were born a magic boy, so leap and twirl and prance! Oh, Tommy, always dance! (After Dumbledore finishes his verse Tom grabs his bag, takes Dumbledores hand, and prepares to leave for Hogwarts. The kids of the orphanage gather and wave goodbye to Tom. One of the

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children waving goodbye is an Anti-Christ demon creature with horns and goat legs; his name is Damien.) KIDS: Bye Tom! Bye! (Tom turns toward the group of children) TOM RIDDLE: Dumbledore, can I say goodbye to Damian? Hes that Anti-Christ kid that I kinda know. DUMBLEDORE: Oh yeah. (Tom runs over to Damien; the other orphans exit) DAMIAN: So you finally got out, didnt you Tom? TOM RIDDLE: Hey, Damian. You wont tell anybody about what we did in that cave by the sea, will ya? We were just practicing, werent we? For when we grow up and have girlfriends or whatever? Right? DAMIAN: But I thought Nevermind Youre right, Tom. We were just messin around. (sheds a single tear) I have to go. The sun! It burns us! (Damien exits) TOM RIDDLE: Damians so cool. (Tom rejoins Dumbledore) DUMBLEDORE: Well, ready to go to Hogwarts? TOM RIDDLE: I've been ready to go, for how long I really don't know, but one look at you and I know that you would never fool me. I've been living a lie. Ever since I made my poor mommy die I've been softly wondering why they all choose to ridicule me. (he gets sad during that last part, so Dumbledore chimes in to cheer him up) DUMBLEDORE: When all the other boys start to laugh and jeer, DUMBLEDORE & TOM RIDDLE: I know a secret way you (I) can make them disappear. DUMBLEDORE: You've got the talent, kid! TOM RIDDLE: This is my chance! DUMBLEDORE & TOM RIDDLE: They might not understand, but well stick to the plan and show em all its time to dance! Always dance! Always dance! Though they'll try to stop you, always dance. Shut your mouth and stop your yapping,

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Take your foot and set it tapping! TOM RIDDLE: I was born a magic boy, Ill leap and twirl and prance! DUMBLEDORE: Oh, Tommy, always dance! TOM RIDDLE: (overlapping) Dumby I'll always dance! (By the end of Tom Riddles verse he is at Hogwarts. The Sorting Hat is placed on Toms head) SORTY: Slytherin! (Dumbledore removes the hat. Tom starts to walk away. Dumbledore stops him) DUMBLEDORE: Wait Tom! Youre sortings not done yet. The Scarf of Sexual Preference! (Dumbledore places Scarfy around Toms shoulders) SCARFY: Oh! Interesting. I could see you going a number of ways. TOM RIDDLE: Youre wrong! I dont care about anybody! SCARFY: Well see about that, hot stuff. I think one day youre gonna find someone real special. Who am I to slap you with a label! Your future is a blank page, the rest is still unwritten. Undecided! (Dumbledore removes Scarfy. Tom walks over to the Slytherin benches; there he sees a young Lucius and Bellatrix. Lucius dances in place as Bellatrix watches in astonishment. Lucius turns to Tom.) LUCIOUS: Why, hello there! TOM RIDDLE: Um... hi. LUCIUS: My name is Lucius, but you can call me Louie! When I grow up, I'd like to be a Rockette! BELLATRIX: And I'm Trixie. I like Hogwarts cause there's lots of nice friends to make and yummy food to eat! TOM RIDDLE: Are you guys making fun of me? BELLATRIX: No. Wanna be friends? (Bellatrix holds out her small baby hand for a handshake) TOM RIDDLE: Back off! (Tom pushes her to the ground. Bellatrix is turned on.) BELLATRIX: Gasp! What a man! LUCIUS: Oh, well see how much of a man you are! Care for a friendly dance-off? (Lucius and Tom have a dance off; it is clear Tom is the better dancer; he thus gains dominance in Slytherin House) SLYTHERINS: Look at his style! Look at him go! Watch his technique! Check out his flow! My, how he leaps! Oh, what a prance! Look at him look at him look at him dance!

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ALL: Always dance! Always dance! Though they'll try to stop you, always dance. Shut your mouth and stop your yapping, Take your foot and set it tapping! (bring it home tempo) He was born a magic boy, so leap and twirl and prance! (one Slytherin leaps and says "and leap!") Always, always, always dance! (The magical flashback fades away, except for Tom; and we are now . Ginny is now alone. TOM RIDDLE: You see Ginny! When life sucks, just dance. And life always sucks.. so always dance! What do you say? Dance with me? GINNY: Oh boy yeah. (Tom and Ginny dance.) TOM RIDDLE: You've got the talent, kid, so you're my nominee. You might not understand, but you will dance with me Always dance.. Always dance... Though they'll try to stop us, always dance. You were born for my control, so step into my trance... Alwayssss Alwayssss Alwaysss dancccccccceeee... (Lights down.)

SCENE 5- POTTER STINKSLights up on Professor McGonagall MCGONNAGOL: Attention all Hogwarts students! With All-Hallows Eve right around the corner, weve got a full line-up of spooky events to celebrate! Theres Nearly Headless Nicks Deathday Party coming up, and this afternoon there will be a public execution of our beloved animal friend, Buckbeak! Hell be completely headless! Haha! And for all you literary fans, Gilderoy Lockheart will be signing autographs outside the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom! See you there! (she exits; Lights up on Gilderoy Lockhearts autograph line; several kids wait to meet Gilderoy, including Hermione, who stands at the end of the line; Gilderoy finishes signing a headshot for Luna) GILDEROY: There you are, Miss Lovegood. Thanks for stopping by! Okay, whos next? Oh, why hello, Neville! My, my, its nice to see a boy in my line for a change! (Gilderoy

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signs a headshot for Neville) NEVILLE: Thank you sir. Katniss Everdeen is my idol. GILDEROY: Here you are. Next! (Neville exits, only Hermione is left) HERMIONE: Hello. Gilderoy Lockheart. GILDEROY: Why, hello there. Its forty dollars for a headshot, and thirty dollars for an autograph. HERMIONE: No, thats okay. If you could you just sign my copy of Breaking Dawn that would be great. GILDEROY: No. No. I only sign the 40-dollar headshots. HERMIONE: Oh, so really an autograph is just seventy dollars. GILDEROY: Well arent you clever? You must be Hermione Granger. HERMIONE: You know who I am? GILDEROY: Oh yes. Professor Flitwick tells me youre an aspiring young writer. He says your translations of Beetle the Bards boring stories had him on the edge of his seat. And thats saying something, because if that small man were to fall from a chair he could die. HERMIONE: Well, I dont know how good my writing is. I mean, that Beetle the Bard translation was just something silly for fun. My real passion is fan fiction; based off your work! GILDEROY: Oh really? HERMIONE: In fact heres one fanfic Im working on right now. (Hermione takes out a fan fiction story and hands it to Gilderoy) In it, you're a capital person, and you're dating Effie Trinket, but you fall in love with this sort of mousy under-spoken Avox... But um, the Avox regains her ability to talk... and she has a great voice and is kinda um... the coolest girl in the whole wide world. You can read it if you want; or you don't have to! GILDEROY: A mouse-y girl, eh? Well, let's have a looksey. (begins reading) Mmhmm. Mmhmm. Huh!? Ohhh....Oh my... Ewww! Oh my god! Hermione. This is absolutely depraved. I LOVE IT! HERMIONE: Really?! GILDEROY: Hell yes! This makes 50 Shades of Grey look like a f*cking book for kids! With writing like this you could be going places. In fact, I have been looking for someone to write my autobiography-- I mean... my biography. HERMIONE: What!? You mean me? You want me to write your story!? GILDEROY: Perhaps. But Ill need to see more samples of your writing. HERMIONE: I can bring you some more of my fan fiction if you want! I've got this one where I'm Cato and you're those wolf mutations and you graphically eat me... amongst other things. GILDEROY: No. No. Fan fiction won't do. I need to see how you craft real life into drama. What if you wrote me a few essays on someone you're close to... Someone at Hogwarts... Oh, let's just say... Harry Potter? HERMIONE: Harry? Didn't you say yourself that his life is mundane and repetitive? GILDEROY: Well, if you don't think you could do it... I'll have to find someone else. It sounds funny to say it now... I just thought you were special. HERMIONE: I am special! GILDEROY: No... You're not... HERMIONE: Yes I am! I'll do it! I'll write about Harry! GILDEROY: That a girl. Why don't you just write me an essay on each of Harry's years at Hogwarts?

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HERMIONE: Oh I will Mr Lockheart! I wont let you down! In fact, Im gonna get started right now! (she leaves; Gilderoy looks around then addresses a tiny hidden someone in his left breast pocket) GILDEROY: Haha. Yes Sprinkles, its all going according to our plan. But we cant talk here. Mrs. Norris could be anywhere. To my office; then you can safely reveal yourself. Disapperate. (He exits. Draco enters with Goyle and The Candy Lady) DRACO: If Im going to win this Head-Boy election, Ive got to have a strong campaign platform. A message that all of Hogwarts can get behind! Something like, End House Elf slavery. Begin Muggle and Mudblood slavery. Something inspiring like that. Goyle, Candy Lady, how are those campaign posters going? A candidate is only as good as his placards. Goyle? (Goyle holds up a picture of an owl he drew. Its okay.) GOYLE: I drew an old, majestic owl. DRACO: Hm. Yes. Its a fine rendering. But it doesnt appear to say anything about me or the election. Perhaps if you added a word bubble coming out of the owls beck that said, Vote for Malfoy. Hes a hoot! GOYLE: (Goyle rubs his chin and considers this) Hm. I dont think the owl would say that DRACO: Candy Lady, what have you got? (The Candy Lady holds up a sign that reads, Candy from the trolley?) MmHm. Yes, well I dont mind if I do. Ill take one chocolate frog. Do have change for a 500 hundred-dollar Monopoly bill? (Draco, Goyle, and The Candy Lady walk off. Harry and Ron enter in the middle of a conversation. Ron holds a rolled up poster) RON: And sometimes I feel like maybe Hermione isnt kissing me cause she doesnt want to kiss me. Harry, do you think she likes someone else? HARRY: I dont know. Maybe she likes Fluffy. Theyd be a good couple, cause theyre both dogs! (Harry holds up his hand for a high five) Am I right!? RON: (Ron half-heartily laughs and gives a reluctant high-five) Ha. ha. Im just worried cause she hasnt been hanging out around us lately. And shes always busy reading those stupid books. HARRY: Well, she better remember to do my potions essay cause its due tomorrow. (Harry finds a good looking spot of a back wall) This looks like a good spot. Got that campaign poster? RON: Right here. HARRY: Alright, so the rules of the election are that you can only run positive campaigns. Thats why no one will be expecting this. (Harry unrolls the poster and hangs it on the wall.) RON: Malfoy is a snobbish, racist, elitist brat. Take that Malfoy! HARRY: Good work Mr. Campaign Manager. Now lets see who votes for Malfoy. (Harry and Ron give each other a high-five. Harry spots Lavender and Pansy who enter giggling. He approaches the girls) HARRY: Hey girls! (Harry points to his poster) Pretty funny sign huh? (Harry notices they are giggling about something else) Hey, what are guys laughing at? PANSY: This. Hehe. (Pansy shows Harry a Potter Stinks button) HARRY: Potter Stinks. Haha, yeah thats pretty wait. No Thats not funny. Lavender, whered you get that button? LAVENDAR: Someones just passing them out to everyone in school. HARRY: WHO!? (Harry grabs Lavenders arm) Tell me!! (Lavender starts crying and runs off)

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PANSY: Ugh. That was really mean Harry. You stink. And not just cause of your toots. (Pansy exits) HARRY: RonDo I smell like toots!? Well. DO I?! RON: No! No! (Ron embraces Harry) HARRY: Well, then why is everyone saying I stink!? Whos responsible for this!? (Draco, Goyle and the Candy Lady enter. Draco stands behind Harry and reads Harrys sign) DRACO: Hm. Malfoy is a snobbish, racist. elitist brat. Hm. Why that sums up my entire campaign platform! Goyle, are you responsible for this beautiful placard!? HARRY: Malfoy! You must be behind all this! (he advances on Draco) DRACO: Not so fast Potter! (Draco runs behind Goyle and the Candy Lady) Goyle, Candy Lady! (they protect him, Goyle pushes Harry back) GOYLE: Back off nerd! We hate nerds. CANDY LADY: And children who dont pay with exact change! HARRY: Get rid of the buttons Malfoy, or Ill kick you off my street team. Then well see who checks out your tumblr. DRACO: Harry, Id never make up a rumor about you. I treasure our friendship. Dont you remember all those times we--- (as Draco speaks, the lights dim and his voice fades away; in its place, Harry can hear an eerie Mysterious Voice that echoes from somewhere in the distance) MYSTERIOUS VOICE: SSsssss. Ssssnaaaake. Im sssssnake. Whered my arms go? Jussst kidding Im a ssnake. HARRY: Whoa!? Did you guys hear that? DRACO: Hear what? MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Im gonna get sssso many of you ssstupid humans now that Im free. None of you can even hear me Oh, theressss one. Take thisss. (Suddenly a voice can be heard screaming from offstage) VOICE: AHHHHH!!!! DRACO: What the devil was that!? HARRY: It came from down there! Come on! (Harry and Draco run off to investigate. Ron, Goyle, and the Candy Lady follow. The gang eventually run into Colin Creevey, who stands motionless in the center of the stage. Ginny stands there, her hands covered in blood, On the wall behind her, is a message written in blood)

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HARRY: Ginny? (Ginny snaps out of what appears to be a trance, looks down at herself, shocked, and runs off; Harry approaches Colin) Hey Colin! Are you okay little buddy? (Colin doesnt respond) RON: (Ron points to the message) Wha-wha- what is that!? DRACO: (Draco reads the message aloud) The Chamber of Secrets has been opened. Enemies of the heir beware. Thats good. Now just add, Youll be next Mudbloods. Vote for Malfoy (McGonagall and the rest of the Hogwarts kids enter, with the exception of Hermione) MCGONNAGOL: Whats going on in here! (takes in the scene) Oh good heavens! Children what happened!? KIDS: (All the Hogwarts kids begin talking over each other) Rabble, rabble! Rabble! MCGONNAGOL: One at a time please! HARRY: Listen Proffessor, Im not lying this time; this was all like this when I got here! LUNA: Oh boy! Is Colin dead?! MCGONNAGOL: No, hes still alive, but he appears to be petrified. CHO: What do you think this means Professor? MCGONNAGOL: Just what the note says, Miss Chang. The Chamber of Secrets has been opened. NEVILLE: Professor, what is the Ch-Ch-Chamber of Secrets? MCGONNAGOL: A hidden dungeon somewhere inside Hogwarts; built by Salazar Slytherin himself. The legend goes that one day, Slytherins heir, would use parseltongue, snake language, to open the Chamber and unleash a monster. KIDS: (impressed) OoooooOoooo! Cool! MCGONNAGOL: No! Not cool! Everyone! Off to your dormitories! Im taking Mr. Creevey to the Infirmary. (everyone exits but Ron and Harry) RON: Whoa Harry; the Chamber of Secrets monster. This cant be good. HARRY: Youre right Ron. This isnt good its great! RON: Huh? HARRY: Dont you get it Ron! All I have to do is save the school again! Then everyone will forget about this Potter stinks crap! Ill just wow everybody with some classic HP action! Ill win the Head Boy election and prove that Harry Potter is still the number one wizard in the world! RON: Awesome! Well, where do you think we should start Harry? HARRY: (Harry looks confused) What? Did you want me to help? I figured you could just get this one, Mr. Campaign Manager. Besides, I cant help right now, I got a date with Cho Chang yall! Lalalala(Harry walks off singing a jolly tune)

SCENE 6- WHEN YOU HAVE TO GO ALL THE WAY HOMELights up on the Girls Bathroom; Ginny furiously tries to wash the blood from her hands in the sink GINNY: Ewww. How did all this blood get all over my hands anyway? (Luna enters) LUNA: Hey Ginny! You washing blood off your hands too? (Lunas hands are also bloody; she begins to half-heartedly rinse them) GINNY: No!

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LUNA: Oh. Well Im just covered in gore; I had a front row seat to Buckbeaks execution! Hey, did you hear about the Chamber of Secrets being opened? How exciting! Well, see ya! (she exits) GINNY: Huh. Huuuh. Chamber of Secrets? Message in blood? Hands covered in blood? Cant remember past few hours? Wait a minute? I think Im having a Nope! Lost it. Ginny, you think too much. Oops, diary time! (she takes Tom Riddles Diary out and begins to write in it once more)

GINNY: Dear Diary! Its me again! Ginny! (Toms voice again emits from the diary) TOM RIDDLE: Ohyou. Yep, this is your journal. Anything youd like to journal about? GINNY: Diary, I need some help. Something really weird is happening. Somebody opened the Chamber of Secrets TOM RIDDLE: Hehe. Someone indeed. GINNY: And I hope they catch however did it red handed. Do you know anything about the Chamber of Secrets, diary? TOM RIDDLE: Maybe GINNY: Can you tell me about it? Or show me, in another TOM & GINNY: Magic flashback (Another Magical Flashback begins; Lights go down on Ginny and come up on Dumbledore and MADAME POMFREY, who stand in a Hallway looking down at a stretcher covered with a white cloth; on the stretcher, under the cloth, is a YOUNG GIRLs body) MADAME POMFREY: Im sorry, Headmaster, weve done everything we could, but shes gone. Dead as a muggle door-nail. DUMBLEDORE: Ah nuts. MADAME POMFREY: Do you think its true what the children are saying? That this is the work of the monster from the Chamber of Secrets? DUMBLEDORE: Lets not jump to any conclusions, Madame Pomfrey. We keep a lot of killer monsters in this school. This one might not have been from the Chamber of Secrets at least I hope not. (just then Tom Riddle enters, flanked by a gang of his cronies, including Lucius Malfoy and Bellatrix) TOM RIDDLE: Uh Professor Dumbledore? You wanted to see me?

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DUMBLEDORE: What? Oh yeah. One second, Tom. (he turns to Madame Pomfrey, Tom turns to his goons) TOM RIDDLE: Alright, slaves. See you later? At the club meeting? LUCIUS: Sure thing, Tom. TOM RIDDLE: How many times do I have to tell you, Malloy, call me LUCIUS: My Dark King, right right. TOM RIDDLE: Thank you. Its not so hard. I remember your name. Now scram! (Lucius and the others exit) DUMBLEDORE: Well, Pom-Pom, I guess you can just take this poor girl down to the kitchen and feed her to the house elves. (Madame Pomfry begins to wheel the dead girl out of the room) Actually, wait. Lemme just try this thing one last time. (from his robes, Dumbledore removes a small, magical-looking stone; he waves it over the girls body, but nothing happens) Come on! Work! Worst Deathly Hallow ever. Never mind. (Madame Pomfrey takes the dead body away) TOM RIDDLE: Whats that? DUMBLEDORE: Oh this? (Dumbledore holds up the magic rock) Its just the Resurrection Stone; supposed to bring people back from the dead, but I cant get it to work. I tried to revive whats-her-face with it, but all I did was eternally trap her soul in the bathroom. Oops! TOM RIDDLE: Magic rock? That brings people back from the dead? I like (Tom reaches for the Resurrection Stone but Dumbledore quickly retracts it and puts it in his pocket) DUMBLEDORE: Whoa! Whoa! Hands off you little scamp! This is going back in my office where it belongs. Oh, speaking of little miss dead-pants. You wouldnt happen to have anything to with her death would you, Tom? TOM RIDDLE: I dont tink so. Mhuhahaha! DUMBLEDORE: Cause I heard from Slughorn that you were asking about the Chamber of Secrets. Not to mention theres been a student death every couple days since you enrolled at Hogwarts five years ago. TOM RIDDLE: Yeah, but most of those deaths are from Quidditch. And when you make kids fight dragons. DUMBLEDORE: Yeah, but not all of em, Tom. And your names been tossed around as to whose responsible. Youve got a bad reputation. People say youre angry all the time. And I have to agree. TOM RIDDLE: Angry! Im not angry! CRUCIO! (Tom wildly shoots a spell; NEVILLE LONGBOTTOMS FATHER just so happens to be walking through the halls, and is hit by the torture curse. He drops to the ground in unspeakable agony) NEVILLES DAD: AHH! DUMBLEDORE: Hey! Hey! Hey! (Dumbledore turns to Nevilles dad) Watch where youre going Schlong-bottom! Real wizards are trying to shoot spells over here! (turns back to Tom) Tom. A lot of people are saying I should kick you out of school. TOM RIDDLE: How dare they try to expel the Lord of Darkness. DUMBLEDORE: And that might have something to do with it. All this Dark magic stuff. That little club of yours that follows you around, whats it called? TOM RIDDLE: The He-man Woman Haters. But were thinking of changing the name. DUMBLEDORE: Youre creeping people out, Tom. Now, I know you got a lot of fifthyear angst going on, but we just gotta get to the root of what makes you so unhappy. TOM RIDDLE: Uhhhh. I dont like this. DUMBLEDORE: You ever talk about your feelings?

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TOM RIDDLE: Only to my journal! But thats top secret! DUMBLEDORE: Just pretend Im your journal for a second. What fills you with so much hate? TOM RIDDLE: Well I guess I hate all the regular stuff; muggles, mudbloods, the Ghostbusters. But then there's some weird stuff too, like... Snickers. DUMBLEDORE: You mean, when people laugh at you? TOM RIDDLE: No. I like to make people laugh! What I hate is Snickers. You know, the bar. DUMBLEDORE: Oh the candy bar? TOM RIDDLE: Yeah. DUMBLEDORE: The chocolate treat? TOM RIDDLE: Yes... Snickers. DUMBLEDORE: What, you don't like chocolate? TOM RIDDLE: Of course I like chocolate. DUMBLEDORE: Do you not like nuts? TOM RIDDLE: I love nuts! DUMBLEDORE: Then what don't you like? TOM RIDDLE: SNICKERS!!!!! CRUCIO! (Tom shoots Nevilles dad with another torture curse; it had taken this long for Nevilles dads to finally get to his feet after being hit with the previous curse. Nevilles dad again drops to the ground.) NEVILLES DAD: AHH!! DUMBLEDORE: (to Nevilles dad) Are you still here, poindexter?! Imperio, beat it. (Dumbledore shoots Nevilles dad with a curse and makes him exit the stage) Listen Tom, I think I know exactly what youre going through. TOM RIDDLE: No! Not exactly! DUMBLEDORE: You feel anxious. Confused. You have funny thoughts about your guy friends that upset you, so you take it out on the rest of the world. My family never really excepted me; so I--

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TOM RIDDLE: At least you had a family! AHH! (Tom immediately weeps uncontrollably. He collapses to the ground.) DUMBLEDORE: There, there Tom. There, there. (Dumbledore puts a hand on Toms shoulder) How were you ever supposed to learn how to love, when you never had anyone there to teach you? Well I got good news for you, Tom. Im suspending you. TOM RIDDLE: Thats not good news. DUMBLEDORE: Im suspending you so you can take a vacation to Little Hangleton. Youre gonna spend this Christmas with a very special family thereThe Riddles. TOM RIDDLE: What? DUMBLEDORE: I found your dad, Tom. His names Tom too. Tom Riddle Senior. TOM RIDDLE: Tom Riddle Senior? That makes me a junior. Little Tommy junior! DUMBLEDORE: He lives with your grandmother and your grandfather. TOM RIDDLE: What kind of wizards are they?! I always imagined my dad was something incredible! Like a Fiend-Fire Fighter! Or a magic astronaut! Or a ballerina! DUMBLEDORE: Tom, it doesnt matter what kind of wizards they are. If you want them to accept you, youve got to accept them. TOM RIDDLE: Youre right. Ill accept whatever kind of wizards they are; just so long as they are wizards. DUMBLEDORE: So pack your bags, cause youre leaving right away! TOM RIDDLE: But I cant leave now. Ive got a meeting with my club of slaves. Were gonna vote on a new name! DUMBLEDORE: Forget the club! Nows your chance to find a new path. Maybe youre not supposed to live your life consumed by darkness. TOM RIDDLE: But thats all I know. DUMBLEDORE: Well its time to go out there and learn something new. Something you cant learn in a classroom. Tom, its time to go home. TOM RIDDLE: Youre rightUhhhYoure right! DUMBLEDORE: Good luck boy. I love you. TOM RIDDLE: Thanks Dumbledore! (Tom grabs a suitcase, and heads off; Lucius and Bellatrix appear and call after him) LUCIUS: Tom! My king! You cant leave! Youre gonna miss the meeting! BELLATRIX: Where are you going!? TOM RIDDLE: Im going home! (Tom runs and dances as Clark Baxtresser sings a beautiful song about going home. Tom Riddle finds himself outside of a cozy looking house; the sign on the door reads Welcome to the Home of the Riddles!; Tom sighs; on the front lawn a small boy, BILLY, plays and frolics, Tom approaches him) TOM RIDDLE: Hey kid! Is this the Riddle house? BILLY: It sure is mister! Welcome to the neighborhood! TOM RIDDLE: Thanks kid. (Tom walks up to the front door) Here goes nothing. (he rings the bell and a kind-looking old woman, MARY RIDDLE, answers the door) MARY: Hello? TOM RIDDLE: Hi. Are you Mary Riddle? MARY: Yes. Gasp! Oh my Heavens to Betsy. Tommy? Tommy junior? Is that you? TOM RIDDLE: It sure is.

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MARY: Oh junior. You look just like your father. Now you come here and give your granny some sugar. (they hug and kiss) TOM RIDDLE: Oh grandma! MARY: Welcome home junior. Now you go straight into the kitchen and you help yourself to some cookies. But be careful not to burn yourself, cause theyre fresh from the oven. TOM RIDDLE: Alright! MARY: And Ill get you a glass of milk to go with, one second. (she turns to the young boy in the front lawn) Billy! How many times do I have to tell you? Stay the hell off my lawn! (She turns back to Tom) That boy is a homo. Come on in. TOM RIDDLE: Uhhh (Tom heads into the Riddle House as the lights go down on him and come up on Ginny. Dean is talking to her and she is no longer in the girls bathroom) DEAN: Hey Ginny! (Ginny comes out of a trance-like state) GINNY: Huh!? Huuuuuh? (she looks around) This is scary. Howd I end up in the Common Room? I was just in the bathroom. DEAN: I dont know. Say, I was wondering, since you arent dating Harry anymorewhatre you doing next Saturday night? Me and Seamus would love to take you on a date. GINNY: (turns away from Dean and talks to herself) Ohhh. I see. This isnt scary that I keep blacking out and winding up in weird places! Its romantic. Its my diarys way of telling me to open my heart to new love; just like Tom did. (turns to Dean) Sure Ill go on a date with you guys! Im down for whatever. But I wont snog Seamus, okay? DEAN: I can live with that. Well pick you up at eight. (Dean exits) GINNY: Yeah, its time to move on. Seamus and Dean are twice the man Harry is! My new, better boyfriend! Thank you diary! Youre my best durr--- (Ginny enters a trance. Tom Riddles voice can be heard) TOM RIDDLE: Do my bidding. Quickly, to the Chamber (Ginny exits. Lights down)

SCENE 7- THE DEATH DAY PARTY(Lights up on Nearly Headless Nick. He stands in the middle of a party, his Deathday Party. Ron sits in the corner of the room on a bench. Nick makes a speech to his guests) NEARLY HEADLESS NICK: Welcome! Welcome one and all! This Hallows Eve is my Five Hundred and Sixth Deathday! Its going to be a night to remember! So help yourself to drinks! Enjoy the music! And rock on Hogwarts! (Nick finishes his speech and approaches Ron) Why hello there Mr. Weasley!

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RON: (sounding very melancholy) Hey Nick. Happy deathday. NEARLY HEADLESS NICK: You look troubled, young Weasley. What ales you? RON: Well, Hermione really wanted to come to your Deathday party cause she thought it would be intellectually stimulating. So I told her we could make a date out of it but, she didnt show up. NEARLY HEADLESS NICK: Well, why not try talking to some of the other girls, Ron? Just dont put the moves on The Grey Lady okay!? Im trying to build up the nerve to buy her a drink. RON: You should go for it, Nick. NEARLY HEADLESS NICK: Youre right! Im gonna go over there and--- no. I couldnt. Maybe next year. Ill be okay as long as she doesnt make out with that bastard the Headless Horseman! (Harry enters and holds the door for Cho and Lavender, who enter behind him) CHO: Well, thank you Harry Potter! Bless your heart! HARRY: No problem. LAVENDER: (Lavender points to the benches where Ron sits) Hey Cho. Ill be waiting over here for you all night. And you look really pretty by the way. CHO: Oh Lavender! Bless your heart! But you dont have to lie to make me feel better. I look awful! Just awful! LAVENDER: No Cho! Youre the prettiest girl ever! HARRY: (Harry looks impatient and bored. It seems he hasnt been having fun with Cho) Wanna sit down? CHO: Sure. Bye Lavender. (Harry and Cho sit down at a table as Lavender sits on a bench next to Ron) Thanks for taking me out on this date Harry. Though, I must not be that fun to be around. I must be really boring. (Cho looks at Harry and pouts) HARRY: Youre fine. CHO: No. Youre just saying that. You know, when I dated Cedric Diggory, he would always find really nice things to say about me. But he was probably just lyin. Im boring and ugly. (Cho pouts again) HARRY: Youre fine. CHO: (Cho is getting a bit frustrated. Shes fishing for compliments) Ugh. Well, Im gonna go powder my nose. My whole face is probably all shiny and gross looking. Aint it? HARRY: Youre fine. CHO: (Cho is now visibly irritated) Well, Ill be back in a minute. (Cho exits. Ron approaches Harry) RON: Hey there good buddy. How you doing? HARRY: Ron, Cho Chang sucks! All she does is fish for compliments, its the most annoying thing a girl can do! You know, when me and Ginny dated wed stay up all night talking about my fame, and my fortune, and how busy I always am. Why cant Cho just do that? RON: I dont know. Maybe when you where dating Ginny you kinda took her for granted. HARRY: (Harry thinks for a moment) No. I would never do that. (Dean enters and holds open the door) DEAN: Ladies first. (Seamus enters with Ginny) SEAMUS: Right this way Miss Weasley. GINNY: Thank you boys. (Ginny takes each boy by the arm. Harry notices)

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HARRY: What! Is that Ginny on a date with Seamus and Dean!? Ill take care of this. (Cho enters and grabs Harry before he can walk over to Ginny, Seamus and Dean) CHO: Oh Harry! Im back! Nose powdered! But it still probably looks bad, huh? HARRY: Youre fine! Lets just go get a drink. (Harry and Cho go off to get a drink. Ron returns to his bench. Ginny, Seamus and Dean take a seat at a table) GINNY: Thanks for inviting me to the Deathday party guys. Im having a really fun Durh! (Suddenly Ginnys eyes cross and she enters a trance-like state; The Diary floats up out of her purse and hovers around her head; Tom Riddle appears in the doorway) TOM RIDDLE: Come to me, slave. Now is the time. GINNY: I have to go to the bathroom now. (Ginny and Tom Riddle exit) DEAN: Thats cool. Well be here. (Seamus turns to Dean) SEAMUS: Alright Dean. So heres how its gonna work. We is gonna wine and dine this honey! We is gonna get her hot, and mad bothered! We is gonna make her fall in love with us! And then youll snog her! DEAN: Sounds like a plan to me. (Harry overhears this and abandons Cho) HARRY: Hey! Stop trying to snog my girlfriend! DEAN: Say what!? She aint your girlfriend no more HP. SEAMUS: Yeah! So bugger off Potter! HARRY: You stay outta this Seamus! Dean, dont play me like this! I would never do this to you! Remember all those time we--- (Harry starts talking about all the great memories he and Dean share. Lights down on that scene. Lights come up on Ron and Lavender, who are sitting on the bench in the corner) LAVENDAR: HeyRon RON: Hey there. Lavender Brown. LAVENDAR: So(Lavender begins talking but is talking in a very quiet mumble) RON: What? (Ron gets closer to hear her better) LAVENDAR: (very quiet mumble) RON: What did you say!? (Ron gets even closer to Lavender) LAVENDAR: (very quiet mumble) RON: I cant hear you! What!? (Ron is now about an inch away from Lavender. Lavender quickly gives him a tiny kiss on the cheek)

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RON: Oh no! (Ron stands up) I just cheated on my girlfriend. I did it. Im nothing but a no-good, low-down, rotten fat, ugly, cheating scumbag. I better go tell Hermione. (Ron starts to leave but Lavender grabs his hand) LAVENDAR: No. You stay here. Were dating now. RON: No Lavender, I think we need to talk about our relationship. LAVENDAR: (hurt) Why? RON: I dont know if its working out. (Lights down on Ron and Lavender as they talk about their relationship. Nearly Headless Nick enters. He looks around to see everyone arguing) NEARLY HEADLESS NICK: Hm. This night doesnt seem to be working out for anyone. But I wont let that get me down! Im finally gonna ask the Grey Lady for a drink! (Nearly Headless Nick goes over to an archway and pulls back a curtain to reveal the Grey Lady making out with a jack-lo-lantern on top of the Headless Horsemans body) What!? I knew it! Horseman you bastard! You know I like the Grey Lady! What do you have to say for yourself!? (The Headless Horseman tries to explain himself with body language) NEARLY HEADLESS NICK: Nothing! You coward! This was my one special night! Way to ruin it Grey Lady! (Lights down on that argument. Lights up on the argument between Harry and Dean. Harry is finishing his piece) HARRY: -and I saved the school and the world! DEAN: You know what HP? You did us a solid when you saved the school all those timesbut Ginny is not your property! HARRY: But thats not fair! CHO: Well. I can see that Im just getting in your way, arent I Harry Potter. I was stupid to think someone as ugly as me could ever have a fun date. (Cho pouts) SEAMUS: Bullocks! (Seamus takes her hand) Your face shines brighter than Dumbledores patronus it does! HARRY: Cho, stop fishing for compliments! Okay!? Nobody cares! Were trying to talk! So just shut up! (Cho is taken aback) DEAN: (Dean stands up) You better back off HP. Now I see why Ginny dumped your ass. HARRY: No! I dumped her! You know what?! Weve got beef Dean! Weve got beef! SEAMUS: Oy! You cant have beef with Dean! Hes my mate! Now we got beef Potter! CHO: And weve got beef too! I dont care who you are! Nobody talks to me like that! Take this! (Cho slaps Harry. Harry falls backwards. As he does he steps over to Ron and Lavenders argument) LAVENDAR: So were on a break now!? RON: Youre always like this! LAVENDAR: Oh! Well, then lets just call it quits Ron Weasley! Take this! (Lavender tries to slap Ron but he ducks. Lavenders slap goes over Ron and hits Harry in the face) HARRY: OW! (Harry is knocked backwards in the other direction. Harry wobbles his way toward Nearly Headless Nick and The Headless Horsemans argument) NEARLY HEADLESS NICK: Unless you answer my questions youll have to face me in a duel sir! (Headless Horseman cant answer) Thats it! Take this! (Nick attempts to slap The Headless Horsemans Jack-o-Lantern head, but the Grey Lady quickly removes it. Nicks slap goes over the Horseman and hits Harry in the face) HARRY: OW! (Harry is knocked in another direction. Draco is crossing the stage. Draco takes out a roller skate and sets it down in the center of the stage) DRACO: This looks like a fine spot for my roller skate. (Harry steps on the roller skate and slides in another direction)

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HARRY: WOAH! (Neville enters with a large birthday cake) NEVILLE: Happy Death Day! Hope you like banana cream! (Harry runs into Neville and the cake smacks him in the face. Harry wobbles backwards) HARRY: Ahh! (Draco walks to another part of the stage) DRACO: And this looks like a fine spot for my marbles. (Draco puts some marbles on the ground. Harry stumbles into the marbles and looses his balance) HARRY: Whoa! (McGonagall enters with a large ice sculpture) MCGONNAGOL: Ive finally finished the ice sculpture! (Harry smashes through the ice sculpture and finally falls to the ground; flat on his ass) HARRY: Ahh! (Everyone in the room turns to Harry) EVERYONE: Harry! (Gilderoy quickly peaks out of the door) GILDEROY: Great job Potter! You ruined the Death Day Party! EVERYONE: (angrily) Thanks Harry! HARRY: But I CHO: Come on yall! Lets get outta here! (everyone but Harry and Ron exit. Ron approaches Harry and tries to put a hand on his shoulder) RON: Are you okay pal? (Harry pulls away) HARRY: Dont touch me. (Hermione enters) HERMIONE: Hey guys. RON: Ah! Hermione! HERMIONE: Sorry Im late. Ive been so busy with this extra-credit thing Im doing for Gilderoy Lockheart. HARRY: Well if it isnt Hermione Stranger. Or should I say, Hermione the Traitor. You didnt do my Potions Essay! And because of that I had to do it! So it never got done! And I failed! Your plan to ruin my life is working out perfectly! HERMIONE: Im sorry HARRY: Yeah youre sorry! Sorry excuse for a friend! HERMIONE: Harry! You need to calm down! Youre acting way too angsty for your own good! This is just like how you acted in our fifth year when--- (Hermiones voice is drowned out as the lights change and we hear the echoing Mysterious Voice yet again) MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Ssssnake. Im a sssnake. I'm huge. A huge snake. Im a ton bigger than youd expect. You could make like a 1000 ssshoes out of me, or a million little purses. Or two really big boots or sssomething. Sssnake (The mysterious voice quiets) HARRY: Wait! Hermione! Quiet down for a sec! Do you guys here that!? HERMIONE: What?

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HARRY: Its that voice again. (We hear the mysterious voice again) MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Oh Shit! I think that kid hearssss me, I better get back to the Chamber of Secrets! HARRY: The Chamber of Secrets!? Come on guys! We gotta follow that voice! (Harry runs off) RON: I didnt hear anything! HERMIONE: What voice Harry?! (Ron and Hermione follow Harry. Harry, Ron, and Hermione come across Ginny and a petrified Nearly Headless Nick) HERMIONE: Harry look! Nearly Headless Nick! Hes petrified! HARRY: Ginny whats going on!? GINNY: Huh? (Ginny snaps out of a trance) HARRY: What happened!? GINNY: I dont know! HARRY: What do you mean you dont know?! You were standing right there! Some help you are. Why dont you go snog Dean or something!? GINNY: Fine! Maybe I will! (Ginny exits) HARRY: Whatever. HERMIONE: Harry, what are looking for? HARRY: I heard a voice back there. The same voice I heard before Colin Creevey was petrified. I think it was the Chamber of Secrets monster. Just look some kinda clue or something! (Turns to Ron) Find anything Ron!? (Harry approaches Ron) RON: No. Nothing. Just of an endless parade of spiders leaving the castle. HARRY: Good reddens. Damn spiders. Wait! Maybe one of those spiders saw what happened here! Dammit! If only I had the power to talk to spiders instead of this useless ability to talk to snakes that I never use! Come on! Lets follow them! RON: I dont know Harry. Im afraid of spi-spi-spi--bugs. And it looks like theyre headed for the Forbidden Forest. HARRY: They could lead us to the