8191 Family Bytes

THE FAMILY BYTES

By

Daniel O’Donnell

Performance Rights

It is an infringement of the federal copyright law to copy or reproduce this script in any manner or to perform this play without royalty payment. All rights are controlled by Eldridge Publishing Co., Inc. Contact the publisher for additional scripts and further licensing information. The author’s name must appear on all programs and advertising with the notice: “Produced by special arrangement with Eldridge Publishing Company.”

ELDRIDGE PUBLISHING COMPANY hiStage.com

© 2013 by Daniel O’Donnell

The Family Bytes - 2 -

Dedication

To Linda, my wife of 45 years.

Thank you for the 25 years of collaboration, co-directing, set designing, costuming, hundreds of make-up applications, the painting of endless flats, the use of your furniture and all those cupcakes, cookies and brownies the students couldn't wait for. It was a labor of love, indeed. ~Mr.O

SYNOPSIS

Two inept detectives, Cagney and Lacey, have been put in charge of protecting an unusual family at a safe house until the mother, Elvira Bytes, can testify against a ruthless crime mob. The police are unaware, however, that Elvira, her husband Barnabas, and their three kids are vampires! The parents are trying to change the family ways but it isn’t easy with sarcastic teenage daughter, Scarlett, who uses a voodoo doll, and teenage son, Jason, who thinks he is also a werewolf. Only the youngest daughter, Raven, wants to be normal. When she brings home Candy, a new friend, Cagney and Lacey go on high alert, which isn’t easy for the two detectives who are not the brightest bulbs on the force. Is this new friend an associate of mob bosses Lucky Lucy and the germ-a-phobic Minnie the Mouth? Will two arrogant hotshot cops, Starsky and Hutch, have to step in to help? Sink your teeth into this comedy for an evening of non-stop fun! Approximate running time 65 minutes. This play premiered in 2012 at Freeport (PA) Junior High School.


CAST OF CHARACTERS (4 m, 6 w, 3 flexible)

LACEY: Inept detective who acts tough but doesn’t pull it off.

CAGNEY: Lacey’s senior partner who acts as if she knows what she’s doing.

LT. KOJAK: Their boss, a gruff, hard-nosed detective. (Flexible)

BARNABAS BYTES: The old-fashioned vampire father who wears long black cape; loveable, but a bit addlebrained.

ELVIRA BYTES: Vampire mother, down-to-earth.

SCARLETT BYTES: Oldest teenage vampire daughter who dabbles in voodoo; sarcastic and rebellious.

JASON BYTES: Teenage vampire son who was influenced by the movie Twilight and thinks he is a werewolf.

RAVEN BYTES: Youngest teenage vampire daughter who is quiet, level-headed, and wants to be normal.

LUCKY LUCY: Ruthless underworld figure. (Flexible)

MINNIE THE MOUTH: Lucy’s underling and hit person, dim, and germ-a-phobic. (Flexible)

CANDY: Attractive, ruthless hit man – er, woman.

STARSKY: Hot-shot cop. (In last scene only)

HUTCH: His hot-shot partner. (In last scene only) (There is also one offstage voice of a neighbor.)


Synopsis of Scenes

ACT I Scene 1: Lt. Kojak’s office in the police department. Scene 2: Later that evening in the shabby neighborhood of

the safe house and inside the house itself. ACT II Scene 1: One week later in safe house. Scene 2: A short time later in the safe house. Scene 3: Minutes later, a short distance from the safe house. Scene 4: Three days later at night, at the safe house.

PRODUCTION NOTES

Lt. Kojak’s office and outside the run-down safe house can take place before the curtain or below the stage. Kojak’s office has a desk with a swivel chair, telephone, nameplate and a clear jar filled with lollipops. After Act I, Scene 1, Kojak’s desk can be pushed aside and covered with boxes and trash bags, while other trash cans can be added to indicate the rough neighborhood of the safe house. The neighborhood setting can stay in place the entire time after the first scene. The interior of the safe house looks shabby with old, worn furniture including two small couches, chair, end table with magazines, dining table with five chairs (don’t have to match), table lamp with torn shade, pictures on the walls hanging askew, and a dying plant or two. When the Bytes first enter the house, trash should be littering the floor. There are three entrances: stage right to the outside; stage left to the back rooms, and center stage to the kitchen.

Additional props and costume pieces include: Small notepads for Cagney and Lacey; suitcases for Jason; voodoo doll with hatpin for Scarlett; 5 toy pistols; white cotton gloves and spray disinfectant and hand wipes for Minnie; newspaper, 5 fake steaks and 5 plates; stage blood; bloody apron for Elvira; cell phones for Cagney and Lacey; fake money for Candy; board game, tablet and pencil; cape, tee shirt, sweatpants, undershorts with handkerchief, black socks and shoes for Barnabas; shredded shirt for Minnie; Wolfman mask and hairy clawed gloves for Jason; sunglasses for Starsky and Hutch.


ACT I Scene 1

(AT RISE: Lt. Kojak’s office in the police department. CAGNEY and LACEY are waiting for their boss.) LACEY: (Nervous.) What do you think the lieutenant wants? CAGNEY: I have no idea, my curious friend, but it must be

important in order for us to be pulled off the mean streets with such urgency.

LACEY: (Excited.) Eww! Maybe we’re being sent undercover to break up an international drug ring.

CAGNEY: Perhaps, or perhaps a serial killer is on the prowl and we, as part of the city’s finest, are to hunt him down like the dog he is.

LACEY: Eww! I like the sound of that, “the city’s finest.” It gives me proud chills just to hear it.

CAGNEY: Indeed. LACEY: You know, the way the hairs stand up on the back

of your neck. CAGNEY: Yes, okay. LACEY: Or the way your whole body tingles those teeny,

tiny goose bumps. CAGNEY: Yes, I get the picture. LACEY: Or, what about when – CAGNEY: (Losing patience, raises her voice.) Lacey! LACEY: Yes, Cagney? CAGNEY: What did I say about focusing? LACEY: Right, right focus. (Uses her hand to draw a straight

line from her nose outward.) Gotcha. CAGNEY: Good. Do you think you can stay there? LACEY: Oh, I’ll stay there alright, you can count on me,

count on me all the way to busting those lowlife drug-dealing, serial-killing sons of a –

CAGNEY: (Raising her voice.) Lacey, that is not focusing; that is babbling, leading in to unnecessary and unwanted profanity.

LACEY: (Confused.) Profanity? What? Ohh! No, no, no! I was about to say “sons of a criminal element.”


LACEY: (Cont’d.) Geez, Cagney, I thought you knew me better than that. I don’t do potty mouth.

CAGNEY: My apologies. (Slowly paces.) I’m afraid our being summoned here and taking us away from our current kidnapping case has placed my mind into a whirlwind of scenarios.

LACEY: Huh? CAGNEY: (Stops, shakes her head slowly with a look of

exasperation.) It means I’m confused – I’m sure you can relate.

LACEY: Relate? Who am I related to? CAGNEY: Nothing, nothing forget it. (Begins to pace again.) (As CAGNEY speaks LACEY sits in lieutenant’s chair and comically bounces up and down, spins around and looks at papers on desk. At first Cagney doesn’t notice.) CAGNEY: (Cont’d.) What could be the reason for our

summons? I’ve not heard of any new cases of pressing need. Perhaps it is so secretive, so sensitive that word hasn’t filtered to the rank and file. Yes, that’s it! Lacey this could be… (Sees where Lacey is sitting and whispers in a panicky voice.) What are you doing? Get up!

LACEY: (Ignores her, reads office papers and laughs.) Hey, guess who’s not getting promoted this year?

(Just then KOJAK, with lollipop in mouth, enters, standing in doorway.) KOJAK: (Upset.) And guess who will be fired if she doesn’t

get out of my seat? (Walks to desk.) (CAGNEY holds hand to head and shakes it in disbelief. Startled, LACEY jumps up and proceeds to arrange desk.) LACEY: Lieutenant Kojak! Sorry, sir, I was just… KOJAK: Snooping? Reading my memos? Invading my

privacy? LACEY: Yes, sir. I mean, no, sir. I was just…


KOJAK: Just what? LACEY: (Reluctantly.) Doing all those things you just said. KOJAK: Get away from my desk. LACEY: (Very nervous.) Yes, sir. Sorry, sir. Won’t happen

again, sir. KOJAK: (Sits down.) A man can’t even visit the john around

here. LACEY: Sorry, sir. I hope your visit was a pleasant one. KOJAK: What! CAGNEY: What my partner meant, sir, is that it won’t

happen again. KOJAK: Spare me the apology. CAGNEY: Yes, sir. Sir, if I may ask what reason did you

want to see us? KOJAK: Want is a word that I would never choose to see

you two. CAGNEY: Then may I ask why we were pulled from our

kidnapping case? LACEY: It’s okay if you need to pull us off the case, sir,

because we can’t wait to bring down that lowlife drug-dealing serial killer.

(CAGNEY cringes.) KOJAK: What are you babbling about? There is no drug-

dealing, serial-killer case. And you’re looking in to a missing-dog complaint, not a kidnapping. Where do you come up with this nonsense?

CAGNEY: Sorry, sir, if I may… LACEY: I got this one. CAGNEY: No, no, don’t… KOJAK: Let her go, Cagney. I really need to hear how a

missing-dog report turned into a kidnapping case. (Leans back in chair.) Please, Lacey, continue.

LACEY: (All proud, pulls out notepad and reads.) On October 15th at approximately 10 p.m. …

KOJAK: (Trying to control temper.) No, no, skip the dates, skip the times, and just give me the reasoning!


(LACEY looks at Cagney and smiles. CAGNEY, realizing what’s going on, shakes her head and is almost in tears.) LACEY: Well, sir, we looked into the background of the

family and found out that Mr. and Mrs. Scmidlap had filed for divorce. Well, as soon as we heard that, it was obvious.

KOJAK: Do tell, what was obvious? LACEY: (Surprised KOJAK doesn’t get it.) Well, the fact that

in most kidnappings in a divorced family are caused by the spouse. So it was obvious that Mr. Scmidlap kidnapped Poochie-Poo.

KOJAK: Poochie-Poo? CAGNEY: The dog in question, sir. LACEY: Yes, Poochie-Poo is a Pomeranian pup they

purchased in Poughkeepsie. She is the sweetest little thing! We saw pictures of the precious pup. Mrs. Scmidlap is very upset.

KOJAK: (Sarcastic, trying not to lose it.) Oh, she’s very upset, is she? Well, guess what – so am I, because I send you two out on a stupid missing-dog report to get you out of my hair and you turn it into the case of the century about precious Poochie-Poo the pup that was purchased in Pixieland!

LACEY: No, sir, Poughkeepsie, not Pixieland. KOJAK: (Yells.) I don’t care! (Takes deep breath and calms

down.) Forget about Pooch-Poo… LACEY: Not Pooch-Poo, it’s - CAGNEY: (Trying to get LACEY’S attention.) Huh hum!

(Runs her finger across throat to signal stop.) LACEY: (Worried.) You were saying, sir? KOJAK: (Glares at HER, then continues.) Forget about

everything else. I regrettably have a new assignment for you.

LACEY: You can count on us, sir. Just tell us what it is; we’re here for you. We live for danger.

KOJAK: (Pauses with a look of disbelief, then to CAGNEY.) If you don’t put a muzzle on Pooch-Pooch, you’ll both be school crossing guards before you leave here.


CAGNEY: (Pulls LACEY aside and whispers loudly.) Shut up! (To KOJAK.) Please continue, sir.

KOJAK: When I say regrettably have a new assignment for you two I do mean regrettably. But because we’re short-handed on detectives I have no choice. You are aware of the big diamond heist two weeks ago?

LACEY: Yes, we— CAGNEY: (Covers LACEY’S mouth with hand.) Yes, sir, we

are, but I thought that was Starsky and Hutch’s case. KOJAK: It is. Are you also aware we have an eyewitness? CAGNEY: Yes. KOJAK: Well, that witness just verified it was Lucky Lucy

and Minnie the Mouth. We’ve been trying to nab those two for years, but could never get anyone to come forward and testify, until now.

LACEY: It’s no wonder. Lucky Lucy is ruthless and Minnie the Mouth is a sociopath.

CAGNEY: Don’t forget Minnie is also a hit woman and germ-a-phobic.

LACEY: A hit woman whose only fear is germs – go figure. CAGNEY: They won’t be so tough when Starsky and Hutch

pick them up. KOJAK: That’s the problem: they’re on the lam and word on

the street is they’re after our star witness. CAGNEY: And you want us to join the hunt and bring this

evil plague upon our city to an end. LACEY: Oh, I’m so there. Bring them on. When we’re done

with them they’ll be called Luckless Lucy and Minnie the Mouse.

KOJAK: Yeah, no. CAGNEY: Sir? KOJAK: You’re not joining the hunt. I’m not that crazy.

You’re to take the witness and her family to a safe house and stay with them until the real detectives get the bad guys.

CAGNEY: (Disappointed.) We’re babysitters? KOJAK: Call it what you want, just do it. LACEY: (Disappointed.) There won’t be any danger?


KOJAK: There’s a reason we call it a safe house, dummy. And if for any reason there is trouble, I expect that family to be protected at all costs. Got it?

CAGNEY: Got it. KOJAK: Oh, and one more thing. The family is, well…well,

they’re weird. CAGNEY: How so, sir? Do you mean like hippie weird or

reality TV show weird? KOJAK: I don’t know – just weird. They have this skin

condition that doesn’t allow them exposure to the sun and they’re all pasty looking.

CAGNEY: That is unusual, sir, but I wouldn’t call it weird. KOJAK: Yeah, well, wait until you meet them. There’s the

mother, who is the witness, along with her husband and three children. One more thing…they are objecting to our protection, but we gave them no choice. They seem to think they can protect themselves.

LACEY: Civilians, when will they ever learn? Don’t worry, sir, we got this one.

KOJAK: Please don’t remind me. Now get down to the third floor and take our guests to their new home. And don’t you two dare screw this up or you’ll be cleaning up after Poochie Do-Do in the parks.

CAGNEY: Yes, sir, understood, sir. (Starts to exit then stops.) Sir, what is their name?

KOJAK: They’re the Bytes – Barnabas and Elvira Bytes. (LIGHTS down.)

End of Scene


Scene 2

(AT RISE: Later that evening in the shabby neighborhood of the safe house. Stage curtains are closed as CAGNEY and LACEY enter arguing, not realizing the Bytes aren’t with them.) CAGNEY: I have seniority and I say you will take first watch. LACEY: You’re always pulling the seniority card. CAGNEY: Because that is how it works. So, therefore, you

will take the first twelve-hour watch. LACEY: (Talking to herself.) I don’t want to do nights. CAGNEY: What? LACEY: I said I don’t want to do nights. CAGNEY: Since when? Any other time you practically insist

on it. LACEY: Yeah, well, the other times I wasn’t watching the

Bytes. (Whispers.) They give me the creeps. CAGNEY: Why are you whispering? LACEY: I don’t want the Bytes to hear. (Looks around, then

gets a look of panic.) Where are they? CAGNEY: They’re right… (Looks around.) Holy crap, we lost

the Bytes. What did you do with them? LACEY: Me, aren’t you the one with seniority? CAGNEY: Oh, that’s low. LACEY: No, that’s the way it works. CAGNEY: Yeah, well, if we don’t find them we’ll both be out

of work for good! LACEY: (Starts yelling.) Bytes! Where are you creepy

people? CAGNEY: Be quiet! NEIGHBOR’S VOICE: (Hollering from offstage.) Hey! Shut

up out there or I’ll call the cops! LACEY: (Yelling.) We are the cops, so you shut up! (Aside.)

Huh, civilians. (Sees CAGNEY with arms folded staring at her.) What?

CAGNEY: What part of safe house and being secretive don’t you understand?


LACEY: Yeah, well, what difference does it make, ‘cause we ain’t got no Bytes to be secret about.

CAGNEY: We are in such deep – (The Bytes family enters. BARNABAS is with ELVIRA casually strolling; JASON, carrying suitcases, sniffs the TWO POLICE; RAVEN waves at them; and SCARLETT, holding a scary-looking doll which she uses for voodoo, gives them a look of disgust. All are pale-looking except for Jason.) BARNABAS: This way, everyone. There are our protectors. CAGNEY: (Rushes over, relieved.) Please stay close, we’re

here to protect you. BARNABAS: As I told your lieutenant, protection isn’t

necessary. LACEY: (Tries to act tough and professional.) We’re the

professionals, sir, let us do our job. SCARLETT: Real professional losing us in the first hour. ELVIRA: Now, Scarlett, mind your manners. CAGNEY: Scarlett, what a beautiful name. (Speaks like

talking to a child.) I bet you’re named after Scarlett from Gone with the Wind.

SCARLETT: (Mocks CAGNEY.) No, after red, the color of blood.

BARNABAS: (Worried about their identity.) Scarlett, enough with the jokes.

LACEY: Where did you people wander off? We didn’t even notice you leaving.

SCARLETT: That’s obvious. BARNABAS: (Quickly.) We went for a stroll. ELVIRA: Yes, it’s such a beautiful dark, moonlit night we

couldn’t resist. Wouldn’t you agree… I’m sorry what are your names again?

LACEY: (Looking at her strangely.) Lacey and she’s Cagney.

ELVIRA: Yes, of course. Well, wouldn’t you agree, Detective Lacey, that the moon is big and beautiful tonight?

LACEY: I guess.


JASON: (Always scratching as if he has fleas.) A full moon would be better.

RAVEN: (Chastising.) Jason! JASON: (Firm.) It’s Jacob! RAVEN: Jason, don’t start. Mother? ELVIRA: Children. (Looking to BARNABAS for help.)

Barnabas? BARNABAS: (Clears throat.) Uh, Detective Cagney, where

is this safe house we are to be lavished with during our forced stay?

CAGNEY: (Points up to stage.) The house is over there, sir. (Pause as FAMILY looks stunned.) ELVIRA: Oh, my. RAVEN: Father, no. BARNABAS: Stay calm, Raven. I’m sure there’s been a

mistake. LACEY: No, there ain’t no mistake. JASON: (Loudly.) I ain’t staying in that matchbox dump! CAGNEY: I assure you it’s fine. NEIGHBOR’S VOICE: (Hollering from offstage.) Shut up out

there. I’m trying to watch the Wheel of Fortune over here! LACEY: (Hollering.) You shut up or I’ll arrest your sorry – CAGNEY: Thank you, Lacey, I’ll take it from here. Mr. Bytes,

please…I’m sure the accommodations are more than satisfactory. Please follow me.

BARNABAS: Well, I see no harm looking inside. Family, follow the detectives.

LACEY: And stay close, no more strolls. CAGNEY: This way, folks. (CAGNEY starts to lead THEM away as SCARLETT yanks a hair from the back of LACEY’S head.) LACEY: (Yelps.) Ouch! (Turns and looks at SCARLETT.) SCARLETT: What are you looking at? LACEY: (Confused.) Nothing. (Starts to walk away.)


(SCARLETT wraps hair around doll and then pulls hairpin from it and sticks it into leg of doll. LACEY yelps and jumps, then turns to Scarlett who is too far away to have done it.) CAGNEY: What’s the problem? LACEY: Nothing, nothing. (Continues to walk, looking over

her shoulder.) CAGNEY: Almost there, folks. RAVEN: This is fun. ELVIRA: Yes, and a bit exciting. JASON: I feel like on a hunt. SCARLETT: You’re all so weird. (ALL exit. Before curtains open SCARLETT goes out SL entrance and waits for cue to give the illusion of vampire speed.) LACEY: (Yells out in pain.) Alright, who did that? CAGNEY: Lacey, shut up! NEIGHBOR’S VOICE: (From offstage.) Why don’t you all

shut up! LACEY: What was that? BARNABAS: (Trying to hide the fact that SCARLETT just

rushed by.) What was what? CAGNEY: I felt it – it was a strong breeze. BARNABAS: Elvira, did you feel anything? ELVIRA: Nope, nothing. Kids? KIDS: No. CAGNEY: Everyone calm down, I’ll turn the lights on. (CURTAINS open revealing a shabby combination living and dining room. The three entrances are covered with ugly different-patterned curtains.) CAGNEY: (Enters.) Here we go, folks! (Sees how bad it is

and changes tone.) Home…sweet…home. (The OTHERS look around in dismay.)


SCARLETT: (Enters from SL entrance.) This place is a dump.

LACEY: (Confused as how SCARLETT got from behind her to end up in another room.) How did you...? You were just… How’d you do that?

ELVIRA: (Giving SCARLETT a look of displeasure.) Scarlett can be very fast at times.

LACEY: Fast, what is she, a blur? SCARLETT: One could say that. CAGNEY: (Unsure of what just happened.) You folks make

yourselves at home, Lacey and I will check the other rooms. Lacey, you check the bedrooms (SL.) and I’ll check the kitchen. (US.)

LACEY: You got it. (As THEY exit to different areas SCARLETT stabs pin in the doll’s leg.) LACEY: (Yells in pain, falls down and comically rolls on floor

ad-libbing her discomfort.) My leg! My leg! Pain! Pain! Burn! Burn!

CAGNEY: (Rushes over.) What’s the matter with you? LACEY: My leg it’s… (SCARLETT removes pin.) CAGNEY: It’s what? LACEY: (Dumfounded, then relieved and embarrassed.) It’s,

it’s a charley horse. I’ll be fine, leave me be. (Gets up and exits quickly walking backwards.)

CAGNEY: Sorry about that, folks, I’ll be right back. (Exits.) ELVIRA: What a strange little person that Lacey is. SCARLETT: No, what is strange is living in this dump with

those two watching over us. I have half a mind to drain them both dry.

BARNABAS: (Sits at table.) You’ll do no such thing, young lady. That is not our way anymore, and you know it. And I’ll say this one more time: we must act normal at all times.

SCARLETT: Thanks a lot, Mother.


ELVIRA: (Stands behind BARNABAS.) What was I to do, just ignore a robbery?

SCARLETT: Duh! Yeah! ELVIRA: That is not how we are. BARNABAS: Your mother is right. I said we must be upright

citizens in every way. JASON: (Goes to table.) You weren’t there, Father. Being

upright is one thing, but to see a jewelry heist and proceed to yell and I quote, “Oh! Oh! A robbery! A robbery! Everyone look over there. The robbers are right there!” Who does that?

ELVIRA: I was caught up in the moment. SCARLETT: Did you have to tell the police you saw

everything? ELVIRA: It was my duty. SCARLETT: Was it your duty to pick out two photos of the

worst criminals? BARNABAS: Enough! Quit picking on your mother. What’s

done is done, and we will see it through and then quickly disappear.

JASON: (Sits down at table.) Great, and meanwhile we’re stuck in this dump with the two dummies.

RAVEN: I think Detective Cagney is nice. SCARLETT: Raven, can you just once act like an abnormal

human being? ELVIRA: Scarlett, leave your sister be; she can’t help being

nice. JASON: (Stands and is overly dramatic.) The same way I

can’t help what I am. SCARLETT: Oh, brother, here we go. JASON: As I stand here now I can feel the approaching full

moon and the cravings that pull me to it. SCARLETT: Someone throw Fido a bone. ELVIRA: Jason. JASON: It’s Jacob, my name is Jacob. ELVIRA: (Pushes “JACOB” down into chair.) No, dear, it’s

Jason, it has always been Jason. RAVEN: I warned you those vampire movies would have a

bad effect.


JASON: (Stands.) What would you know? You didn’t feel their pain.

BARNABAS: And neither did you, Son. It was only a movie. JASON: Then why am I a normal color and the rest of you

are pasty-looking, all pale and tragic? ELVIRA: (Pushes HIM back into chair.) We don’t know, it’s

just nature’s way. SCARLETT: More like freak of nature. ELVIRA: Scarlett, please! Jason, regardless of your skin

pigment, you still have the family fangs and desire for blood.

BARNABAS: We’re not like that anymore, dear. ELVIRA: Of course not, dear. JASON: Really, then why do I turn into a – SCARLETT: We know, we know, a werewolf. Father, the

boy needs some serious adjustment. BARNABAS: Son, for the last time you’re not a werewolf,

you are a vampire. JASON: (Upset.) Not anymore! (Stands and howls loudly.) RAVEN: (Sarcastic.) Thank you, Hollywood. (The FAMILY tries to quiet HIM as CAGNEY and LACEY rush in. Lacey has gun drawn and trips.) CAGNEY: (Worried and frantic.) What’s the matter, what’s

wrong? LACEY: (Comically tries to get up.) Where are they? Who

wants some of this? CAGNEY: (Yells at LACEY.) Are you nuts? Put that away,

you’re going to shoot someone! LACEY: But didn’t you hear it – someone was screaming in

agony. BARNABAS: I can explain. No one is in agony. I’m afraid

my son was practicing his wolf howl. LACEY: Wolf howl? BARNABAS: Yes, you see he’s a…ah…um… RAVEN: He’s into the whole wildlife refuge thing and this

month it’s save a wolf. CAGNEY: But why the howling?


JASON: (Dead serious.) Because I feel their pain. LACEY: (Aside to CAGNEY.) Left-wing liberals – I told you

they were weird. CAGNEY: Good for you, son, but could you refrain from

howling? We’re trying to stay under the radar. BARNABAS: Understood, Detective. It won’t happen again,

right, Jason? JASON: I’ll try, but it’s not easy controlling one’s inner beast. LACEY: Maybe a shock collar would help. (JASON growls at LACEY.) BARNABAS: Jason! What now, Detective? CAGNEY: Please, everyone have a seat. (THEY show their reluctance to sit on the dirty old furniture.) SCARLETT: Before we go any further, Inspector Clouseau,

what’s with the shabby digs? Were you going for the flea-bag slum look?

LACEY: If you’re looking for fleas, you won’t find any here. JASON: (Scratching.) Not to worry, I brought my own. LACEY: What and why are you always scratching? ELVIRA: He has a skin condition. JASON: I have fleas. CAGNEY: What? RAVEN: Ignore him, he’s crazy. BARNABAS: Getting back to the subject at hand – why are

we hiding in such deplorable conditions? CAGNEY: Okay, I agree this isn’t the Hilton, but it’s not our

fault. ELVIRA: If I may ask, whose fault is it? CAGNEY: We’ve had cutbacks because the government

can’t agree on anything. ELVIRA: Say no more. BARNABAS: We should have known…sorry. CAGNEY: Look, I know the place is a dump, but we have to

deal with it and it is for your safety. JASON: We’re quite capable of protecting ourselves.


LACEY: Listen, kid, you’re going up against Lucky Lucy and Minnie the Mouth, two ruthless criminals who will stop at nothing to shut your mother up.

BARNABAS: (Making a joke.) That’ll be a first. (FAMILY laughs.) CAGNEY: I think you people would be wise to take this more

seriously. BARNABAS: (Trying to stop laughing.) I’m sorry, Detective,

please continue. CAGNEY: Let me tell you about two of the city’s most

dangerous and ruthless criminals. (LIGHTS go down on stage as ALL freeze in place as if they are listening to Cagney. LIGHTS up downstage or below stage as LUCY and MINNIE enter, casing the safe house from a distance. Minnie wears white cotton gloves, a jacket or blazer with pockets in which she carries a gun, a can of spray disinfectant, and a package of hand wipes. Whenever touched Minnie always sprays or wipes the area. Lucy is always rough with Minnie.) MINNIE: (Revolted by how dirty the area is.) This place is

disgusting. (Covers her mouth.) LUCY: Deal with it. MINNIE: Thank you, I will. (Takes out can and sprays

garbage.) LUCY: You’re a sicko – you know that? MINNIE: Not if I can help it. (Sprays some more.) LUCY: (Hits MINNIE in the shoulder.) Over there is the safe

house. MINNIE: You sure? (Sprays a little on her own shoulder.) LUCY: Yes, my sources don’t dare be wrong. MINNIE: ‘Cause I don’t wanna whack some schmuck eatin’

dinner off a snack tray watching Wheel of Fortune like I almost did.

LUCY: (Grabs MINNIE.) That was one person, one time. What are the odds? (Shoves MINNIE.)


MINNIE: (Sprays.) I hope not it’s a waste of a good whack. (As she is saying that she is looking around and kicks a garbage can.)

LUCY: Shh! Be quiet! We’re here to case the joint, not storm it.

MINNIE: (Feelings are hurt.) You don’t have to be so mean. LUCY: What? MINNIE: You’re being mean. I don’t like it when you’re

mean. LUCY: (Can’t believe it.) Really? MINNIE: Even us whackers have feelings, you know. LUCY: (Exhales loudly and gives up.) Fine, great, I’m sorry. MINNIE: And? LUCY: (Reluctantly.) And you’re not an idiot…happy? MINNIE: (Pause then big smile.) Okay. Now hurry up and

case the joint. I’m in a whackin’ mood. You want I should whack everyone or just the broad? Either way it’s okay, ‘cause like I said, I’m in a whacking mood. Yep, whacky, whacky, whacky, whacky woo.

LUCY: Listen to me, you whacky, whacky woo weirdo, we ain’t whacking anyone!

MINNIE: What, but why? If them coppers get us before we whack the broad, we’ll be the whackees not the whackers.

LUCY: (Looks at her strangely.) Somewhere in that little mind that probably made sense, but right now we do as I say, got it?

MINNIE: (Sad.) Got it… At least I almost got to whack Mr. Dinner-Eatin’, Wheel-Watchin’ Guy.

LUCY: What part of no whacking don’t you understand? (MINNIE puts head down and looks sad.) Look, I have other plans for the broad. The last thing we need is to be seen whacking witnesses in a safe house.

MINNIE: Then how are we – LUCY: (Grabs MINNIE by the shoulders and speaks as if

talking to a child.) Listen, do you trust me? MINNIE: Yes.


(MINNIE goes to spray and LUCY quickly grabs the can from her. Then Minnie takes out a hand wipe and cleans her shoulders. Lucy watches in disgust.) LUCY: Have I ever been wrong? MINNIE: Well… LUCY: Okay, okay the man eating on a dinner tray watching

the Wheel. Geez, one time does not make me a bad guy. (Shoves MINNIE.)

MINNIE: Sorry. (Wipes.) LUCY: Just trust me. I promise there’ll be plenty of whacking

in your future. MINNIE: You’re just saying that to shut me up. LUCY: (Losing patience SHE pulls hand back to hit MINNIE,

then stops.) I’d like to shut you up, you… Look, I said there would be whacking so there will be whacking.

MINNIE: Promise? LUCY: I promise. Now come on, I’ll buy you an ice cream. MINNIE: Chocolate? LUCY: Yes. MINNIE: And a soda? LUCY: Yes. MINNIE: And French fries and a burger? LUCY: (Running out of patience.) If it’ll shut your mouth, yes! (LUCY shoves MINNIE. They exit. LIGHTS up on stage.) CAGNEY: And if we can get those two, we’ll have taken a

big bite out of crime in this city. SCARLETT: I like the sound that, “a big bite.” ELVIRA: Scarlett. Continue, Detective. CAGNEY: Look, I’m sorry you have to go through this, but

with any luck it won’t be long. RAVEN: If you’re watching us, who is looking for the bad

guys? LACEY: Two of the city’s finest are on the job, and if Starsky

and Hutch can’t do it, no one can.


SCARLETT: (Goes between CAGNEY and LACEY and uses air quotes.) Wait a second…did you say “Starsky and Hutch”?

LACEY: Yes. SCARLETT: And you are” Cagney and Lacey”? LACEY: Yes. SCARLETT: And your boss is “Lieutenant Kojak”? LACEY: Yes. SCARLETT: (Pauses, looks around.) Anyone? Anything? ...

Yes? No? (ALL look at her and ad-lib their confusion.) SCARLETT: (Cont’d.) Nothing? (Exasperated, exhales

loudly, throws arms up and sits.) CAGNEY: I realize getting time off from work is hard, and

pulling the kids out of school is tough on them. ELVIRA: Not at all. My husband owns his own business and

the children are home schooled. LACEY: (Defensive.) What, our schools aren’t good enough

for you? ELVIRA: No, no, that’s not it. In fact I’m well aware of your

fine schools. BARNABAS: Yes, being one of the top schools in the

country is quite an achievement. ELVIRA: And I’m told your schools have the finest, most

attractive teachers in the state, and its principals are the best there are.

BARNABAS: And don’t get me started on how clean and well-maintained your buildings are. In fact, your custodial staff should win some kind of an award.

LACEY: Then what’s the problem? SCARLETT: (Sarcastic.) We don’t play well with others. ELVIRA: She’s joking. The real reason is our aversion to

sunlight. CAGNEY: That’s right. (Looks at notebook.) You have

something called (Has trouble pronouncing it.) Congenital erythropoietic porphyria.


BARNABAS: We call it CSP. We can never be in direct sunlight.

LACEY: Man, that sucks. SCARLETT: (Smiling.) Yes, it does. BARNABAS: That’s why we live in Freeport, because of its

perpetual cloudiness. JASON: (Stands.) One might say it’s like living in a

perpetual (Says with passion.) twilight. ELVIRA: (Quickly shoves HIM down.) Thank you, Jason, we

get the picture. CAGNEY: Mr. Bytes, what exactly is your business? BARNABAS: I have a meat-packing plant. LACEY: Sweet, I bet you eat noting but the best steaks. ELVIRA: You have no idea. RAVEN: They are the reddest, juiciest steaks around. SCARLETT: If you like chewing on dead meat. LACEY: Let me guess, you’re a vegetarian? SCARLETT: No, just picky. CAGNEY: Why don’t we let you folks get settled. I’ll be in the

house next door and Lacey will take first shift here with you.

BARNABAS: Wait, did you say Lacey will be here with us? CAGNEY: Yes, then I’ll relieve her in twelve hours. (The BYTES stand and loudly ad-lib their objections.) LACEY: (Hollers.) What’s the matter? I ain’t got cooties! BARNABAS: No, of course not; however, the problem is we

want – JASON: No, demand! BARNABAS: Thank you, Jason. JASON: Jacob. (ELVIRA pushes JASON into seat.) BARNABAS: What Jason says is correct – we demand our

privacy. CAGNEY: I’m sorry, that’s impossible.


BARNABAS: And I’m sorry, but that’s non-negotiable or we leave.

SCARLETT: And we take “MUMMY” with us. RAVEN: Ergo, no mummy, no witness, no conviction. CAGNEY: (Pauses.) Fine, I’ll have unmarked cars outside –

Lacey and I will be in the house next door, but I insist on our occasional presence here with you.

BARNABAS: Only if you’re gone by nine every night. CAGNEY: Done, but you don’t go out without an escort, and

Mrs. Bytes doesn’t leave for any reason. BARNABAS: We’ll see. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we would

like our privacy. CAGNEY: Okay, but we’re only ten feet away, and if we

hear or see anything, we’ll be here in a flash. All the doors and windows are secure, and under no circumstance do you answer the door unless it’s us. Oh, and one more thing because I have to ask – what’s with the cape?

RAVEN: Father is old school. ELVIRA: I find it dashing like it was in the old days –

figuratively speaking of course. BARNABAS: Why, thank you, darling. (Forgets who he’s

talking to and reminisces about the old days.) You see, Detective, there was a time when my cape would flow through the capitals of Europe, and Elvira and I would dance the night away in its castles and dungeons.

(HE pauses and looks up as if remembering. CAGNEY and LACEY look at each other, confused.) ELVIRA: (Quickly tries to cover up.) Figuratively speaking of

course, right, dear? BARNABAS: Huh? (Realizes.) Oh, right, right, figuratively

speaking. I mean, I would have to be hundreds of years old to have done that, and that, well, that’s just silly. Ha, ha.

SCARLETT: Enough with the goodbyes and days of yore. I would like my privacy.

CAGNEY: (Staring dumfounded at BARNABAS.) Yes, of course. Come on, Lacey.


LACEY: (To SCARLETT.) You’ve got a bad attitude, you know that?

SCARLETT: And you’ve got bad breath. (CAGNEY and LACEY turn to exit. Lacey makes a gesture to SCARLETT that she will be watching. Scarlett smiles, waves, and when Lacey’s back is to her she pulls back on leg of doll causing Lacey to comically trip.) CAGNEY: What is wrong with you? LACEY: (Embarrassed.) Nothing, nothing. (THEY exit SR.) ELVIRA: I saw that, Scarlett. SCARLETT: Whatever do you mean, Mother? ELVIRA: You and that voodoo doll of yours. We are

vampires, not island voodoo doers. SCARLETT: I’m only trying to grow. When we, or should I

say, you decided we were to change our vampire ways, did you or did you not say change would be good for us?

BARNABAS: She’s got you there, dear. ELVIRA: (Scolding.) Barnabas! BARNABAS: I mean, Scarlett, we agreed to change in

positive ways, not the dark arts. If you get caught doing that we could be in for trouble.

JASON: Father, you might want to remember that next time you decide to take a trip down memory lane…castles, and dungeons.

BARNABAS: My apologies. I sometimes long for the nights of yesteryear where we danced all night and slept in our coffins by day. (Takes ELVIRA and dances her around room.)

ELVIRA: Oh, Barnabas, you were such the dashing figure. And, children, no one could charm an audience like your father.

JASON: It didn’t hurt having the ability to hypnotize one with your stare.


SCARLETT: I would give anything to live those times where wine flowed like the warm blood from a soft neck.

(ALL pause, smile, and daydream.) BARNABAS: Ahh, the good times. However, we live in a

different time now, so who is hungry? ELVIRA: I believe we all could use a good bite, but I’m

thinking they did not stock this house with that which we require.

BARNABAS: Good call, my dear. Who would like to go down to the plant and bring back a few dozen fresh, dripping-with-blood steaks?

JASON: I, for one, could sink my fangs and claws into one. RAVEN: You don’t have claws. JASON: Oh, I have them, I just choose not to flaunt them. SCARLETT: (Sarcastic.) Oh, please flaunt them for us. We

are dying to see these mysterious claws. JASON: Jealous? SCARLETT: Of what, claws that exist only in your demented

mind? JASON: If the moon was full I would show you what we

werewolves are capable of. SCARLETT: Let’s see, you’re capable of changing your

name to Jacob and howling like a fool. Oh, and this is particularly interesting – you let a movie change who you are.

JASON: Think what you want, but when the full moon gets here I will shock you all.

ELVIRA: That will be all. This is neither the time nor place to discuss imaginary lives.

JASON: Mother! ELVIRA: Sweetie, why can’t you accept the fangs you were

born with? And do you really want to have all that hair and ripped clothes? It’s not very hygienic.

JASON: Mother, I can’t help what I am, no more than Scarlett can help being a blood-thirsty, voodoo-doll playing psychopath.


(OTHERS look at SCARLETT, waiting for her response.) SCARLETT: What? The hairball speaks the truth. (RAVEN and SCARLETT make mocking gestures when ELVIRA talks to JASON.) ELVIRA: (Rubbing JASON’S hair.) Whatever happened to

the little boy who would drink his bottle and blow blood bubbles? Remember how for the longest time your one fang was longer than the other and you would spend hours pulling on the short one with a pair of pliers? You were so adorable.

JASON: I’m sorry, Mother, those days are over. I now have fangs, hair, and claws.

RAVEN: Can we stop the stroll down memory lane and get something to eat?

BARNABAS: You’re right, sweetie. Now who is going to make the meat run?

SCARLETT: I’ll go. BARNABAS: I’d rather you didn’t. SCARLETT: Oh I get it - it’s because of the last time. Well, I

promise no more blood bank stops along the way. RAVEN: That’s disgusting. I tried it once and the taste of the

plastic bag was with me for a week. JASON: I’ll go. I could use some fresh air. BARNABAS: Good, and no stops at blood banks or the

movies. JASON: But Breaking Dawn… BARNABAS: No. ELVIRA: And remember - act normal at all times. SCARLETT: (Mocking.) Yes, Jason, remember we are a

changed people, so normal is the norm now. No more causing fear and chaos, and whatever you do don’t bite anyone. Oh, how I hate my life.

RAVEN: I like the change, normal could be fun. SCARLETT: Raven, if you had your way we would cook our

meat, have a tan, and wear false teeth. RAVEN: At least I don’t play with dolls and raid blood banks.


SCARLETT: Oh, that really hurt. Well, you know what I’m tired of living with - Miss Goody Two-Shoes and Chewbacca.

(Chaos ensues as the TWO start arguing loudly and JASON starts howling.) RAVEN: I hate you! SCARLETT: I hate you! JASON: I hate all of you! (Continues howling.) RAVEN: Mother! ELVIRA: Scarlett, that’s enough! BARNABAS: Jason, please! Scarlett, quit picking on your

sister! SCARLETT: I don’t see why I have to change! ELVIRA: Because the times are changing! Jason, please! SCARLETT: I don’t want to change. I like biting necks!

Jason, stop it! (CAGNEY AND LACEY rush in with guns drawn.) LACEY: Freeze! (The FAMILY comically raises their arms.) CAGNEY: Get down! (The FAMILY comically falls to ground. CAGNEY and LACEY stand there with guns drawn, looking around confused, then down at the Bytes. JASON howls softly as if he were asking a question.) (LIGHTS down.)

END OF ACT


ACT II Scene 1

(AT RISE: One week later. LACEY is sitting at the table in safe house reading a newspaper. SCARLETT, carrying her voodoo doll, enters from SL and sits on couch.) SCARLETT: (Sarcastic.) You’re still here? LACEY: That you can be sure of, sister, and it’s only been a

week, so get used to it. SCARLETT: The only sure things are life and taxes. And it

seems like an eternity, not a week. LACEY: Hey, wise guy – it’s death and taxes, not life and

taxes. Huh, kids. SCARLETT: Not in my world. Huh, cops. LACEY: Why do you always have to be a wisecracker? SCARLETT: I don’t know. Why do you always have to be so

stupid? LACEY: Hey, at least I’m not a teenager who plays with

dolls. (SCARLETT pretends to cry into doll and LACEY feels bad.) LACEY: (Cont’d.) Hey, kid, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything

by it. SCARLETT: (Crying.) No one knows what this doll means to

me. LACEY: C’mon, don’t cry. Look, a lot of people have strange

little habits. SCARLETT: You’re just saying that. LACEY: No, everyone has their little quirks; it’s natural. SCARLETT: Do you? LACEY: Well… SCARLETT: I knew it! You just said that to make me feel

better. LACEY: No, no, look… (Goes to SCARLETT.) If I tell you

something, will you keep it just between us? SCARLETT: I swear on the head of my doll.


LACEY: Okay, no one knows, but I have a Lord of the Rings collection and I play with them all the time.

SCARLETT: Really? LACEY: Yeah, really. I play with the action figures all the

time. So you see, it’s alright. SCARLETT: But no one knows how terrible it is to live with

people like my parents. LACEY: What do you mean? SCARLETT: I…I can’t say. LACEY: Sure you can, I’m a cop. SCARLETT: No, no, it’s too bad. LACEY: (Concerned.) Are they mistreating you, is that it? SCARLETT: They, they… No, no, it’s not right for me to say. LACEY: Kid, I’m a cop – what can I do to help? SCARLETT: You really want to know? LACEY: (Excited.) Yes, what can I do? SCARLETT: (Changes demeanor.) You can stop being so

gullible. Geez, what a dolt. LACEY: (Beat. She can’t believe she fell for that.) Real cute,

kid, you’re a real piece of work. (BARNABAS enters CS carrying a plate of raw steak and goes to table. He is wearing sweatpants, funny tee shirt, and cape.) BARNABAS: Hey, Lacey, what’s up? LACEY: (Goes to table and sits.) Just getting to know what

makes Scarlett tick. BARNABAS: Good luck with that. LACEY: Oh, I think I’ve figured it out. (Looks at plate.) Is that

a piece of raw meat? BARNABAS: I’m sorry, can I get you some? LACEY: (Speaks quickly.) No, no, no thanks. You don’t cook

your meat? SCARLETT: What are we, barbarians? BARNABAS: Now, Scarlett. No, Lacey we prefer…how

should I say? SCARLETT: The right way?


BARNABAS: It’s not for everyone, dear. No, we prefer the all-natural way - red, warm, and juicy.

SCARLETT: (Enjoys taunting LACEY.) Yeah, we like the taste of red, warm juices running down our chins.

LACEY: I think I’m going to be sick. BARNABAS: Like I said, it’s not for everyone. (ELVIRA enters CS from the kitchen wearing a blood-stained apron.) ELVIRA: I’m making dinner – steak, anyone? (LACEY

gags.) SCARLETT: Make mine extra juicy. (Smiles at LACEY.) (LACEY’S cell phone rings.) LACEY: (Answers.) Yeah? (Worried.) What? ... No, I didn’t

know she was gone. I got it! I got it! (Hangs up, draws gun and goes by door SR.) Everyone get down!

BARNABAS: What? LACEY: Everyone get down! We have a situation! SCARLETT: Oh, brother. BARNABAS: (Says as matter-of-fact.) Do as Lacy says,

everyone down. (THEY hide behind furniture.) (RAVEN enters with CANDY who is wearing a track suit.) RAVEN: Come on in, Candy. (When CANDY enters LACEY comically pounces on her forcing her to the floor. Chaos ensues.) LACEY: (Loudly.) Police! On the floor! Hands behind your

head! CANDY: (Screams and yells.) What’s going on? What are

you doing? RAVEN: Lacey, stop it! LACEY: Who are you? What do you want? RAVEN: She’s my friend! Mother, Father, please!


(CAGNEY rushes in.) CAGNEY: Everyone, calm down. Lacey, put the gun away.

(Helps CANDY up.) Alright, miss – who are you and what are you doing here?

RAVEN: Would someone listen to me? She’s my friend! LACEY: What? You’re not allowed to have friends. CAGNEY: Lacey, quiet. What do you mean she’s your

friend? RAVEN: This is Candy and we met at the gym. CANDY: (Frightened.) It’s true, I didn’t do anything wrong. ELVIRA: You went to a gym? RAVEN: Yes, hello, change, normal etc.? (JASON enters SL.) JASON: What’s all the commotion? (Sees CANDY, stops

with a jolt, immediately attracted to her. He runs hands through his hair and tries to act suave.) Well, hello there. (Howls.)

ELVIRA: Jason, please. JASON: It’s Jacob. (Gets down on one knee, takes

CANDY’S hand and licks it.) And you would be? CANDY: (Slowly pulls hand away in disgust and wipes it on

her pants.) Ewww! SCARLETT: She would be the one getting sick. CAGNEY: Pack away the teenage thoughts, son. Now’s not

the time. (To RAVEN.) Miss Byte, what do you mean you went to the gym? You’re not allowed out.

RAVEN: I was bored. LACEY: How did you get out? I was here the whole time. SCARLETT: Someone sucks at their job. CAGNEY: Yes, how are you people getting out, and what

part of staying in don’t you understand? One minute we see you outside by the door and the next second you’re gone. What, are you invisible?

SCARLETT: If only. ELVIRA: (Trying to change the subject.) Enough with the

questions. Can’t you see the poor girl (CANDY) is upset.


ELVIRA: (Cont’d.) Here, dear, come over here and have a seat. (THEY go to couch.) My apologies. I’m Elvira, Raven’s mother, and this is her father, Barnabas.

BARNABAS: Hello, my dear. ELVIRA: And this is Scarlett, Raven’s sister. SCARLETT: (Goes to CANDY.) Hi. (Takes strand of hair

from CANDY’S shirt.) What lovely hair you have. ELVIRA: Scarlett? CANDY: (Confused and afraid.) Thank you. ELVIRA: You’ve already met her brother, Jason. JASON: (Hovering behind CANDY.) Enchanté. SCARLETT: Gag me with a wooden stake. ELVIRA: And these two overly protective ladies are police

friends of the family. They must have taken you for an intruder.

CAGNEY: (Frustrated.) I give up. (Sits at table.) ELVIRA: So, you met Raven at the gym of all places? CANDY: Yes, I’m there every day. Raven and I started

talking and I offered her a ride home. RAVEN: Candy believes our bodies are our temples. JASON: Howl wonderful. (RAVEN slaps JASON’S arm.) CANDY: (Looking fearfully at JASON.) I believe people

should worship their bodies. JASON: Oh, I do, I do. RAVEN: (Hits JASON.) She doesn’t eat or drink anything

that isn’t good for her. CANDY: I refuse to taint my blood with garbage. SCARLETT: (Licks her lips and leans closer to CANDY’S

neck.) This just keeping getting better. Go on. CANDY: My doctor tells me I have the purest blood he’s

ever seen. In fact he gave it a new name, A+++++ positive.

(FAMILY gasps.) SCARLETT: (Jumps up, frustrated.) Oh, come on! RAVEN: Ignore them, Candy, they’re just jealous of your

pure blood.


(FAMILY shoots HER a worried look.) RAVEN: I mean…considering our pigmentation problems

because of a blood disorder. BARNABAS: It’s who we are, dear – there is no shame in it. JASON: (Flirting.) If you haven’t noticed, mon chérie, I have

no such affliction. SCARLETT: No, you’re just a jackass. (JASON growls at

SCARLETT.) CANDY: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to cause such a

commotion. LACEY: This is considered normal around here. CAGNEY: You’re not helping. ELVIRA: Candy, we were just about to eat – perhaps you

would like to join us? LACEY: (Finds it amusing.) Ha! I don’t think Miss Pure

Blood would find your menu appealing. CAGNEY: And just how would you know that? (LACEY

whispers to CAGNEY about the raw meat.) Really? LACEY: Yes, it’s disgusting. SCARLETT: Hey, Lord of the Rings, we’re standing right

here. CANDY: Thank you for the offer, Mrs. Byte, but I follow a

strict diet and I can’t stay long. However, I would like to use the little girls room.

RAVEN: Sure, c’mon, I’ll show you. (CANDY and RAVEN exit SL.)

ELVIRA: Candy seems to be a very nice young lady. BARNABAS: Indeed. SCARLETT: A bit uppity for me, but comes with – I mean,

comes from good blood, no doubt. JASON: I think I will call her Bella. ELVIRA: I think not, dear. LACEY: I don’t trust her. SCARLETT: Is that what your detective senses tell you, or is

it your elfin instincts talking? LACEY: Go play with your doll. CAGNEY: Nice or not, she can’t come back – it’s too

dangerous.


SCARLETT: I’m one Byte who wouldn’t mind learning more about her pure blood.

ELVIRA: Scarlett, that will be enough. SCARLETT: (Teasing.) Mother, I thought perhaps it may

help our condition. I have a feeling it would certainly help mine.

JASON: I’m sure it’s something you would sink your teeth into.

SCARLETT: And you wouldn’t, Furball? LACEY: What are they talking about? CAGNEY: I think they mean their CSP skin condition. SCARLETT: (Mocking.) Can’t get one over on you, Detective. CAGNEY: Folks, listen. I mean it, the girl can’t come back

and she cannot find out why. SCARLETT: Great! Perhaps our one chance to get some

pure blood…for our condition…and we are denied. JASON: Bella is certainly pure, I’ll say that. LACEY: Bella? I thought her name was Candy. BARNABAS: (Giving KIDS a stern look.) You have my

word, Detective, neither Raven nor any of us will ever see her again.

SCARLETT: Father, that is so mean you’re going to break dear sweet Raven’s heart.

JASON: (Sarcastic.) Your compassion is so touching. SCARLETT: And you wouldn’t like to see Bella again? JASON: Father, it’s your Raven, think how devastated she’ll

be. LACEY: I’m sorry, Son, but they’ll be no Candy for you. SCARLETT: Father, are you really going to let them take

Candy from you, baby? BARNABAS: I’m sorry, Scarlett, but… SCARLETT: (Trying to lure BARNABAS with pure blood.)

You mean to tell me you wouldn’t want a sweet, pure-blooded young girl like Candy around you – I mean Raven?

BARNABAS: (Pauses, dazed by the thought.) Well, maybe…

ELVIRA: (Bringing HIM back to reality.) Barnabas! BARNABAS: What?


ELVIRA: Our changing ways, remember? BARNABAS: Right, right. I’m sorry, children, they’ll be no

Candy for the family. SCARLETT: (Aside to JASON.) They can’t blame us for

trying. LACEY: (Aside to CAGNEY.) What are they talking about? CAGNEY: I have no idea. RAVEN: (ENTERS with CANDY.) Yeah, tomorrow’s good. CANDY: Great, we’ll get that blood flowing clean and pure

and pumping like a machine. (JASON howls.) SCARLETT: Why me? BARNABAS: What about tomorrow, dear? RAVEN: I’m going to meet Candy at the gym. BARNABAS: I’m afraid that’s not possible. RAVEN: Why not? (Looks at CAGNEY.) Is it because… ELVIRA: It’s because we’ve decided to go on vacation. RAVEN: (Upset.) I, I… (Goes to CAGNEY.) I hate you!

(Exits SL crying.) ELVIRA: I apologize, Candy. Raven can be a bit dramatic. CANDY: (Confused.) No, no, that’s alright. I’ll stop by in a

week or so. BARNABAS: I’m afraid we’ll be away for some time. I’ll have

her get in touch with you. CANDY: (Still confused.) Okay, then I guess I should leave.

It was nice meeting all of you. (Aside.) I think. SCARLETT: Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. (Places hair

around doll’s neck.) JASON: I bid you adieu, Bella. (Kneels, takes CANDY’S

hand and licks it.) CANDY: Please don’t do that. ELVIRA: Come, dear, I’ll show you out. CANDY: Thank you. Goodbye, all. (SCARLETT pulls on doll’s leg and CANDY trips and falls.)


ELVIRA: (Helps HER up.) Are you alright? (Gives SCARLETT a look.)

CANDY: Yes, I don’t know what happened. (Looks at her hand.) Darn it, I cut my hand. (Sucks the cut loudly.)

(ALL the BYTES let out a loud moan from the sight of blood.) LACEY: (To CAGNEY.) See, I’m not the only clumsy one. (ELVIRA takes CANDY’S hand and pulls it towards her mouth.) ELVIRA: (In a robotic voice.) Would – you – like – a – band-

aid? CANDY: (Pulls hand away.) No, I’ll be fine. (Sucks hand

loudly again.) (BYTES moan loudly again.) ELVIRA: (Afraid of being tempted, SHE quickly and roughly

shoves CANDY out the door.) Good. Drive careful, have a good life. (Turns to OTHERS.) I don’t know about you people, but I’m famished.

BARNABAS: (Anxious.) Yes, capital idea. (Starts guiding CAGNEY and LACEY to door.) It’s getting late and we have to eat. See you tomorrow.

CAGNEY: (Confused.) But it’s not late. BARNABAS: It is for us. Bye! (Shoves THEM out SR, turns

to ELVIRA and orders –) Get those steaks! SCARLETT and JASON: NOW! (LIGHTS down.)

End of Scene


Scene 2 (AT RISE: A short time later. The FAMILY is at the table feasting on raw meat. Their chins are covered with blood and all are making growling noises as they eat.) RAVEN: (As SHE eats.) Father, that wasn’t fair making

Candy go away. BARNABAS: (Chewing.) Sorry, dear, but we had no choice. JASON: (Gnaws loudly while eating.) Scarlett had a choice. RAVEN: Really? SCARLETT: Yeah, we could have eaten some Candy.

(SCARLETT and JASON laugh.) RAVEN: You’re disgusting. Mother, tell them to stop. ELVIRA: For the last time you two, our old ways are over. SCARLETT: Fess up, Mother. I saw that look when she cut

her hand. You wanted a bite of Candy too. RAVEN: Mother! ELVIRA: It was only a natural instinct – which I controlled. BARNABAS: I, too, had the desire, but I fought it. RAVEN: You’re all disgusting. Pass the salt. BARNABAS: The point is we were all tempted, but we

prevailed. JASON: (Laughing and eating.) Did you see the look on the

faces of Cagney and Lacey when Father shoved them out the door?

SCARLETT: Priceless! Cagney didn’t know what to do and Lacey always looks that way.

(ALL laugh.) JASON: Wait! (Sniffs the air.) Do you smell that? ELVIRA: What? JASON: I smell Candy. SCARLETT: You wish. RAVEN: That’s not funny, Jason. JASON: (Sniffs the air.) My wolf senses don’t lie. SCARLETT: Here we go. BARNABAS: What you smell is leftover pheromones.


JASON: No, this is fresh and it’s coming from (Turns to SL.) over there.

SCARLETT: Get over it. You’re not getting any - (CANDY enters SL.) JASON: (Sees HER.) Candy? RAVEN: (Doesn’t see HER.) You’re not funny, so stop it. JASON: No, it’s Candy over there. (FAMILY MEMBERS turn and see CANDY. She is as stunned seeing all the blood as the family is at seeing her.) RAVEN: Oh, no! Candy, I can explain what we’re doing. SCARLETT: No, she can explain what she’s doing here. CANDY: What kind of people are you? BARNABAS: Candy, there is no reason to think less of us.

(Gets up.) CANDY: (Scared.) Stay where you are! ELVIRA: Candy, please, if you let us explain… CANDY: No explanation needed. I’m glad you don’t fear the

sight of blood. BARNABAS: (Smiling.) Wait a minute…Candy isn’t your

real name, is it? CANDY: No, but Candy will do for now. RAVEN: I don’t understand. SCARLETT: You wouldn’t. JASON: She must be Lucky Lucy or that Minnie something

or other. CANDY: It’s Minnie the Mouth and I’m neither. ELVIRA: You must be what they call a gun-for-hire. How

exciting. CANDY: If you find that exciting, you’re going to love this.

(Reaches behind her back and pulls out a gun.) BARNABAS: Good call, Elvira. RAVEN: How did you get in here? CANDY: My trip to the little girls room allowed me to unlock

the window. RAVEN: I don’t understand, why?


SCARLETT: Really, Raven? The soon-to-be bloodless dolt thinks she’s here to do us in.

RAVEN: Then her friendship was a lie? CANDY: What do you think? JASON: You realize I no longer desire you…in a romantic

way, that is. CANDY: Hand licker, you’re going to be first. JASON: (To OTHERS, proud.) Hear that, I’m number one. BARNABAS: (Polite.) Candy, dear, I’m afraid you’ve wasted

your time. CANDY: Really? SCARLETT: Yeah, really, Paulie Pureblood. Now raise your

hands. (Starts towards HER.) CANDY: (Laughing.) What? In case you didn’t notice,

Bloodface, I’m holding the gun. SCARLETT: Yeah and I‘m holding the doll. You can’t move

anymore, now get your hands up! (Raises doll’s hands.) CANDY: (Her hands go up. She is stunned and scared.)

What’s going on – what did you do? JASON: Nice one, Sis. SCARLETT: (To PARENTS.) And you thought voodoo was

a waste of time. May I? (The FAMILY plays a game with CANDY. ELVIRA looks at BARNABAS and he nods yes.) ELVIRA: Okay, but play nice. JASON: Scarlett, you get to play with your food. ELVIRA: (Quickly.) No food playing. CANDY: (Frightened.) What is happening? Who are you

people? SCARLETT: (Circles CANDY.) Why, we are your worst

nightmare. (Smells CANDY’S neck.) I’ve smelled purer. Now dance! (Shakes the doll.)

CANDY: (Starts dancing like a rag doll.) Stop it! Stop it! What are you doing to me?

JASON: (Goes to CANDY and sniffs.) I smell fear. (Howls.) CANDY: You’re crazy, you’re all crazy!


RAVEN: (Goes over.) And wanting to hurt us isn’t? Scarlett, make her slap herself.

SCARLETT: (Proud of RAVEN.) Raven, I didn’t know you had it in you. (Takes doll’s arm and slaps its face.)

(CANDY slaps herself.) RAVEN: That’s for using my friendship, and this is because I

can. (Kicks HER in the rear.) SCARLETT: I have a whole new respect for you, Sister. CANDY: (Scared.) Look, I’m sorry! Just let me go and I

promise I won’t come back. BARNABAS: (Walks over.) Oh my dear, if only I could

believe you. (Takes HER gun.) CANDY: You can, I promise! SCARLETT: I say we have her for dinner. (Looks straight at

CANDY.) Literally. CANDY: (Frightened.) What are you talking about? ELVIRA: (Playing along.) It would serve her right. RAVEN: You know what else would serve her right – a slow

draining of her blood. SCARLETT: Now there’s a plan. CANDY: (Almost in tears.) No, please don’t do anything to

me! SCARLETT: Lady, you messed with the wrong family. You

have no idea what you got yourself into. CANDY: I’m sorry, I’m sorry! ELVIRA: Barnabas, what do you think? BARNABAS: I think deep down she’s probably a nice girl. CANDY: Oh, I am, I am! BARNABAS: But she did want to shoot us. SCARLETT: I say drain her. CANDY: What? No! BARNABAS: If only I could be sure you will never come

back. CANDY: I won’t, I promise! ELVIRA: I don’t know…what if she tells people what she

saw? CANDY: Oh, I won’t, I swear!


BARNABAS: (Smells HER neck.) She does smell tasty. CANDY: No I don’t, I stink! I’m not even hygienic, ask

anyone! BARNABAS: If only I had a way of being sure. Jason, any

thoughts? (JASON gets close to CANDY’S face, opens his mouth and hisses loudly. CANDY screams, but RAVEN covers Candy’s mouth.) JASON: If you ever come back or tell anyone what you’ve

seen, I will play nibbles on your neck. Do you understand? (CANDY, with RAVEN’S hand still over her mouth, nods her head violently up and down.) BARNABAS: (Pauses.) Scarlett, let our guest go. SCARLETT: (Drops doll’s arms; CANDY’S arms fall.) Get

out of here, Pure Blood, now! CANDY: (In tears.) Yes, yes, thank you! (Starts to exit SR.) SCARLETT: Not that way – sneak out the bathroom like you

snuck in. CANDY: Yes, yes, of course. Thank you! Thank you! (Runs

out Sl.) (ALL pause, then laugh.) BARNABAS: Well done, family, well done! (LIGHTS down.)

End of Scene


Scene 3

(AT RISE: Minutes later, a short distance from the safe house. LUCY and MINNIE are pacing, waiting for CANDY.) LUCY: Where is she? It shouldn’t take that long. MINNIE: You shoulda sent me, Boss. With me you get

whack, whack, and it’s over. Or in this job it would be whack, whack, whack, whack, and whack. I’m in, I’m out, no fuss, no muss.

LUCY: Shut up. I told you we couldn’t take a chance on being seen.

MINNIE: Maybe the cops came back. LUCY: She’s too smart for that – something must have gone

wrong. MINNIE: I don’t want to be a Nagging Nellie, but with me you

get - LUCY: (Angry, stops pacing and grabs MINNIE.) If you say

whack one more time, I’m going to whack you up ‘long side your head.

MINNIE: Geez, lighten up, Boss. No need to get your thong in a bunch. (Sprays or wipes.)

LUCY: No need to get my thong in a bunch? Don’t you realize how important this job is? If we don’t shut this family up we’ll be going up – up the river for a long time.

MINNIE: Look on the bright side. Maybe we’ll get to share a cell. Wouldn’t that be great?

LUCY: (Sarcastic.) Yeah, that’s just what I want to do with the rest of my life: see you when I wake up and when I go to sleep.

MINNIE: Aw, gee, thanks, Boss. LUCY: (Looks at HER dumbfounded.) Are you really that

stupid? MINNIE: (Shocked.) What, what’d I say? LUCY: What did you say? I’ll tell… Shh, hide behind the

trash. Someone’s coming. MINNIE: (Sickened at the thought of trash.) Behind that? LUCY: Get down! (Shoves MINNIE behind trash cans.)


(MINNIE comically gags and sprays, and LUCY comically tries to stop her. CANDY enters, walking as if in a trance. Lucy shoves Minnie to the ground as she tries to get up. Minnie squeals and jumps up quickly while spraying and gagging.) LUCY: (Jumps in front of CANDY.) It’s about time! Is the job

done? MINNIE: (Frantically wiping HERSELF.) Germs! Germs! I’m

gonna die – I’m gonna die! LUCY: Zip it! (To CANDY.) Is the job done? CANDY: (Confused and dazed.) Job? LUCY: (Losing patience.) Yes, the job I paid you for! Is it

done, over, finished? CANDY: No, I couldn’t. LUCY: Did the cops come back? CANDY: Cops? No, they didn’t come back. LUCY: Then why isn’t it done? CANDY: Done? LUCY: Yes, done. What is the matter with you? MINNIE: Boss, I think someone’s paying a visit to Loony

Town. (Sprays CANDY.) LUCY: (Shakes fist.) How would you like a visit to Knuckle-

ville? (To CANDY.) Look, I paid you a lot of money. What happened in there?

CANDY: I can’t say. LUCY: You can’t say. (To MINNIE.) She can’t say. (Losing

HER temper, pushing CANDY.) What do you mean you can’t say?

CANDY: Please, I just want to go. LUCY: What is wrong with you? I was told you were the best

money could buy. MINNIE: What am I, chopped liver? (LUCY raises a fist at

MINNIE who finches.) Sorry. CANDY: (Hands money to LUCY.) Here’s your money. I

have to go. LUCY: (Angry.) You will never work in this town again – you

hear me? You were right, Minnie. We’ll do the job our-selves.


CANDY: (Frightened, SHE grabs LUCY.) No! Whatever you do, don’t go in there.

LUCY: (Pulls CANDY’S hand roughly away.) Why? CANDY: Because…(Looks towards house and is frightened

– then very serious.). Because you don’t want to. MINNIE: This chick is whacked. (To CANDY.) Stick around,

Scaredy Pants, I’ll show you how it’s done. CANDY: (Loud and frightened.) No, no, I’m leaving. (Starts

to exit.) LUCY: Where are you going in such a hurry? CANDY: (Pauses as SHE looks towards house and then

back.) To church. (Exits.) LUCY: To church? MINNIE: C’mon, Boss, I’ll show you how it’s done. (Goes to

leave.) LUCY: (Grabs MINNIE.) No wait – it’s time for plan B. MINNIE: (Sprays.) We have a plan B? LUCY: There’s always a plan B. MINNIE: Ahh, I like the sound of that – plan B. Consider it

done, Boss. LUCY: Consider what done? MINNIE: Plan B. You know you can count on me. I’ll whack

‘em to the left, I’ll whack ‘em to the right, I’ll whack ‘em all day and into the night. (Laughs.) Hey, I’m a poet and don’t know it. (Laughs. LUCY stares dumbfounded at MINNIE.) What?

LUCY: What? You’re an idiot, that’s what. However, you’re right about one thing: we don’t need no outside help. C’mon. (THEY start to exit.)

MINNIE: I don’t wanna say it, Boss, but I told you - LUCY: (Orders.) Don’t say it! MINNIE: (Mumbles.) …so. LUCY: (Cuffs MINNIE in back of head.) You had to say it,

didn’t you? (THEY EXIT.) (LIGHTS down.)

End of Scene


Scene 4 (AT RISE: Three days later at night. The BYTES, except for BARNBAS, are at the table playing a vampire board game.) JASON: (Rolls dice.) Five. (Counts and moves 5 spaces.)

Werewolf attack – go back three. Dang! RAVEN: (Teasing.) I thought werewolves didn’t attack their

own kind. SCARLETT: That should tell you something, Furball. JASON: Bite me, Voodoo Girl. RAVEN: Scarlett, isn’t there a full moon out? SCARLETT: Why, yes, there is, Sister. (Looks closely at

JASON’S face.) Tell me, Brother, does the hair come out on its own, or do you have to think it out? (SHE and RAVEN laugh.)

ELVIRA: That’s enough, girls – roll. SCARLETT: I hope I don’t run into any hairy things with

fangs. (Rolls dice.) Six. (Counts and moves.) Blood bank. (Picks up card and reads.) You’ve had a hard night. Take seven drinks. (Smiles at JASON.) Don’t mind if I do. (Moves seven spaces.) Take a coffin break. You lose a turn.

JASON: Ha, too bad that coffin doesn’t come with a wooden stake.

SCARLETT: Why, you’d probably pick your teeth with it. (SHE and RAVEN laugh.)

ELVIRA: That’s enough. Whose turn is it? RAVEN: It’s Father’s. ELVIRA: (Calls towards SL.) Barnabas! It’s your roll! (BARNABAS enters wearing cape, tee shirt, undershorts, black socks and shoes. HE stands like Superman with hands on hips.) BARNABAS: Did someone say, “Let’s roll”? RAVEN: (Disturbed at the sight.) Really? SCARLETT: Dracula just rolled over in his coffin. ELVIRA: Barnabas, put some pants on.


BARNABAS: No. After being cooped up so long I want to feel my freedom.

JASON: You go, Father. I think I’ll join you. (Starts to take shirt off.)

ELVIRA: No! Sit down. (SFX: There’s a knock at the door.) BARNABAS: I’ll get it! ELVIRA: No, you won’t! (Speaks on way to door.) Now is not

a good time, Cagney. RAVEN: Should we hide the board? SCARLETT: No, let’s have some fun. (CAGNEY enters with LACEY.) CAGNEY: Just checking in. I hope we’re not interrupting

anything. SCARLETT: (Quickly.) No, we’re playing a game. ELVIRA: (Worried.) Girls, put that - LACEY: (Anxious.) Oh, I love board games. ELVIRA: (Aside, giving up.) - away. LACEY: Let me have a look-see. (Looks at game and is

shocked and confused.) Drained of all blood? Stake in the heart – you’re dead? What kind of game is this?

SCARLETT: (Enjoying the moment.) It’s Vampire World. RAVEN: (Playing along.) It’s really cool – it’s all about

vampires. JASON: And werewolves. SCARLETT: You should play the live action video. Wanna

play? LACEY: Eww, no! Vampires give me the creeps. (Goes to

couch.) (KIDS are offended and stand in anger. ELVIRA signals for them to sit and calm down. She, BARNABAS, and CAGNEY go to couch and chair.) ELVIRA: The game isn’t for everyone. Girls, put that away.


LACEY: Ever since that stupid Twilight movie that’s all you see – vampires this and vampires that.

RAVEN: (Trying not to laugh.) Oh boy. JASON: (Defensive.) I’ll have you know Twilight is a guide

for troubled teen years. LACEY: Yeah, if you’re a blood-sucking vampire teenager. JASON: It’s not just about vampires; werewolves play a

prominent role too. LACEY: (Laughs.) A werewolf is a big furry dog walking

upright. Throw them some kibble and they become your best friend.

(JASON gasps. SCARLETT and RAVEN laugh.) BARNABAS: (Trying to change subject.) Detective, is there

anything specific we can do for you? LACEY: Putting pants on would be nice. BARNABAS: I’m feeling my freedom. LACEY: (Aside.) I’m feeling uncomfortable. CAGNEY: (Quickly.) No, nothing specific, Mr. Bytes, just

doing our job. SCARLETT: Finding the two lowlifes that are ruining our

lives would be doing your job. ELVIRA: Scarlett, I’m sure the police are doing all they can. CAGNEY: I know it’s taking a long time, but if anyone can

find them Starsky and Hutch will do it. JASON: I believe we heard that before. (LACEY doesn’t like STARSKY and HUTCH and mocks Cagney’s following words with gestures.) CAGNEY: Trust me, you don’t know those two. They’re the

toughest, meanest cops that ever carried a badge. Why, you just mention their names on the street and the bad guys tremble.

LACEY: (Aside.) And if you forget they’ll remind you. SCARLETT: What was that? LACEY: Nothing.


SCARLETT: No, no, I heard you say – “they’ll remind you.” Do I detect jealousy?

LACEY: No, it’s just… CAGNEY: What she means is she has a bit of a history with

them. RAVEN: I get it – they’re tough cops and bullies. LACEY: (Embarrassed.) Whatever. Just know this: we’re

here to protect you and that you can count on us. (OTHERS realize this is embarrassing for LACEY.) BARNABAS: Detective, we have all the confidence in the

world in you, right, family? (ELVIRA, RAVEN and JASON ad-lib their agreement and look at SCARLETT.) SCARLETT: (Tries to be sincere, but fails.) Yeah, right,

confidence, sure, you the woman. ELVIRA: We want you both to know we realize this hasn’t

been easy on you either. And, well, we appreciate it. CAGNEY: Thank you, Mrs. Bytes, that’s very kind of you to

say. SCARLETT: (Sarcastic.) A love fest - how quaint. RAVEN: Don’t pay her any attention. She has trouble

expressing… LACEY: Kindness? SCARLETT: Touche’. (SFX: CAGNEY’S cell phone rings.) CAGNEY: (Answers.) Cagney… (Excited.) What, where? ...

Are you sure? ... Yeah, I’ll be there in ten. (Hangs up.) LACEY: (Excited.) What, what is it? CAGNEY: That was the lieutenant. They just got a tip that

Lucy and Minnie are in a coffee shop on Fifth and Main. LACEY: Are they sure?


CAGNEY: Yeah, Starsky and Hutch just confirmed it. The lieutenant isn’t taking any chances, and he’s pulling all cars to surround the shop. (To BYTES.) We got them!

LACEY: What are we waiting for - let’s go! CAGNEY: (Feels bad.) I’m sorry, Lacey, but the lieutenant

wants you to stay here with the Bytes. LACEY: Oh. CAGNEY: You know, just in case. LACEY: (Hurt.) Yeah, sure, just in case. What are you

waiting for – get down there and get that scum. CAGNEY: It’s almost over, folks. (Slaps LACEY on the

back.) Later! (Exits SR.) BARNABAS: (Happy.) Well, family, looks like things will

soon be back to normal. ELIVRA: Finally. (Hugs BARNABAS.) What do you have to

say, kids? SCARLETT: It’s about time. RAVEN: Normal. I like the sound of that. SCARLETT: You would. ELVIRA: Jason? JASON: In the immortal words of Jacob. (Howls.) LACEY: No offense, kid, but that’s not normal. SCARLETT: Ya think? BARNABAS: The change of scenery will do us all good. RAVEN: (Laughing.) Seeing you wear pants will do us all

good. (FAMILY laughs.) ELVIRA: Detective, I’m sure you’re happy it’s over. LACEY: (Not excited.) Yeah, sure. RAVEN: What’s the matter? I thought you would be elated. JASON: Just think, no more babysitting the weird family. LACEY: (Defensive.) I never said that. SCARLETT: Detective Lacey is feeling sorry for herself. ELVIRA: (Scolding.) Scarlett! SCARLETT: It’s true! She’s down because she wasn’t asked

to join the taking down of the city’s most wanted. I guess we’re not important to her anymore.

LACEY: (Quickly.) Not true! You’re all very important to… (Catches herself being sentimental.)

SCARLETT: To what? Go ahead say it.


LACEY: (Pauses then quickly.) To me! There, I said it. Happy?

SCARLETT: Not really, but you’re out of your funk. (LACEY looks at HER realizing what she did.) RAVEN: Someone take a picture. Scarlett did something

nice. SCARLETT: Dream on, that’s your department. (JASON starts walking SL.) BARNABAS: Where you off to? JASON: The full moon is calling. I must get to my room

before the change happens. (Exits SL.) SCARLETT: Weirdo alert. LACEY: What’s he mean…what change is he talking about? (The FAMILY pauses at a loss for words.) SCARLETT: And you call yourself a detective. Haven’t you

figured it out yet? My brother says and does stuff just to be weird.

ELVIRA: It’s true the boy is weird, but we’ve learned to accept it.

BARNABAS: It will be good to take in the night air once again.

ELVIRA: (Daydreaming.) Seems like ages since we took a midnight run through the woods chasing the local wildlife.

LACEY: (Shocked.) What? ELVIRA: (Quickly covers up.) It’s what we do for exercise –

completely harmless – no animals are hurt in our hunt. (BARNABAS elbows ELVIRA. Quickly.) Run.

BARNABAS: Most people prefer jogging in the park for exercise. We prefer the woods and the night air. That may seem a little weird, but it’s what we do.

LACEY: A little weird? (To RAVEN.) I suppose you’ll be looking up your new friend Candy?

SCARLETT: Ha.


RAVEN: (Caught off guard.) Umm… ELVIRA: Ah, we thought Candy wasn’t a good fit for Raven. SCARLETT: Although, Mother, she did try giving it her best

shot. ELVIRA: (With a stern look at SCARLETT.) Thank you,

dear, for that useless and unwanted remark. LACEY: Well, I say good riddance. I got a bad vibe from her. (SFX: Knock at the door.) BARNABAS: Cagney already? (Starts towards door.) LACEY: I better get that. BARNABAS: Nonsense, we’re safe now. (Exits SR.) ELVIRA: (Joking SHE calls off.) If it’s a meat salesman I’ll

take a case of steaks. (Laughs.) (OTHERS look at HER for such a lame joke.) BARNABAS: (Enters.) No salesman, dear. By their looks I

would say it’s Lucky Lucy and Minnie the Mouth. LACEY: What? (Reaches for her gun.) (LUCY enters with gun drawn.) LUCY: I wouldn’t do that. (Shoves BARNABAS forward.) Get

over there. Minnie, get the good cop’s gun. (MINNIE enters with gun in one hand and spray can in the other. She thinks the place is filthy and is sickened by it.) MINNIE: This place is a pig’s sty! (Sprays.) Haven’t you

people heard of germs? LACEY: Everyone, meet the germinator, Minnie the Mouth. LUCY: (Losing patience.) Shut up! Minnie, focus! MINNIE: Boss, I demand a hazmat suit. LUCY: (Angry.) You’re going to get a body bag if you don’t

focus and get the cop’s gun! MINNIE: Alright, alright. (Sprays LACEY’S gun and takes it.)

Give me that and no funny business.


LUCY: Well, if it isn’t the happy family who wants to rat on me.

MINNIE: (Worried.) Yeah, a family plus a cop. Boss, you said there wouldn’t be any cops.

LUCY: I guess I was wrong now, wasn’t I? MINNIE: But what do we do if we whack a cop? LUCY: We go to plan C. MINNIE: We have a plan C? (LUCY raises the back of her

hand at MINNIE who flinches.) Right, there’s always a plan C.

LACEY: How did you get here? I thought… LUCY: You cops thought what I wanted you to think. Two

well-paid look-alikes and a phony tip. Easy, way too easy. MINNIE: (To LACEY.) Yeah, you cops ain’t as smart as you

think you look. LACEY: What? LUCY: Minnie, shut up! You’re embarrassing yourself. MINNIE: (Confused.) What, what’d I say? LUCY: (Threatening.) I said zip it! LACEY: I know what you’re planning and I’m not going to let

you harm these people. LUCY: Said the flatfoot who has a gun aimed at her. MINNIE: (Laughs.) Hey, gun-less, what are you going to do

– scare us to death? SCARLETT: If you insist. (Takes a step.) BARNABAS: (Stops HER.) Scarlett, it will be alright. MINNIE: (Mocking.) Yeah, Scarlett, it will be alright…not!

(Laughs.) SCARLETT: (Smiles.) You are going to be so much fun. MINNIE: Say what? Hey, Boss, this one ain’t scared. LUCY: Give her time, Minnie, give her time. MINNIE: (To SCARLETT, mockingly.) Hear that? You’re

gonna be scarrrred. Aww! SCARLETT: Were you dropped on your head as a baby? MINNIE: No… (Looks confused at LUCY.) At least I don’t

think so. LUCY: (Getting frustrated.) Minnie, so help me. MINNIE: (Confused.) So help you what, Boss? LUCY: (Exhales loudly and gives up.) Nothing, just shut up.


BARNABAS: Miss Lucky Lucy, there is no need for threats – however – you should know I will not allow harm to befall my family or the detective.

MINNIE: (Mocking.) Hear that, Lucky? He “will not allow harm to befall.” I don’t like fancy talk (Looks down at BARNABAS’ underwear.) Mr. Fancy No-Pants Guy. Let me whack him now.

(BARNABAS sneezes loudly. MINNIE squeals, jumps back, covers mouth and sprays. Barnabas pulls out handkerchief from his underwear and blows nose loudly.) MINNIE: Eww, that is disgusting! Boss, please let me whack

him. LUCY: Shut up! Wait a minute…there should be one more.

Where’s the boy? LACEY: I have no idea what you’re talking about. LUCY: Minnie, check the back rooms. MINNIE: Right…for what? LUCY: (Yells at MINNIE.) For the boy, there’s supposed to

be a boy! MINNIE: Right, right, the boy. (Rubs her pistol and talks to

it.) Come on, old boy, we have a little game of hide and shoot.

LUCY: No shooting. Bring him in here. MINNIE: Gotcha. BARNABAS: (Calmly.) I wouldn’t do that. MINNIE: Eww, a threat from a man in his underwear wearing

a cape. Why am I not worried? SCARLETT: Hey, Minnie Mouse, you should be. MINNIE: (Loses her temper.) That’s it – it’s whacking time.

(Aims gun at SCARLETT.) LACEY: (Yells.) No! (Goes after MINNIE.) (LUCY hits LACEY on the head.) LACEY: (Comically spins around.) Ouch. (Falls down

unconscious.)


SCARLETT: (Angry, SHE bends down to tend LACEY.) Father, do something!

LUCY: Shut up! Minnie, move it! MINNIE: (Starts to exit.) Oh, sonny boy, where are you? (As

SHE passes RAVEN she lunges at her and tries to scare her.) Boo! (Laughs and exits SL. RAVEN hisses at MINNIE.)

ELVIRA: Lucky, you’re going to look real fashionable in prison orange.

RAVEN: Mother, I think a dull, boring grey would suit her better.

LUCY: What’s wrong with you people? Don’t you realize what’s going to happen here?

BARNABAS: Nothing is going to happen to us, but you, that’s another story.

LUCY: (Starting to get nervous.) Shut up! Minnie! MINNIE: (From offstage.) Found him!... (Screaming in fear.)

No wait! What are you? (SFX: We hear the sound of a wild animal fighting and MINNIE screaming offstage.) MINNIE: Help! Help! No don’t, don’t! Lucky, help me!

(Screams.) BARNABAS: Warned you. LUCY: I said shut up! (Hollers.) Minnie, what’s happening? (The noise stops and there is a silent pause.) SCARLETT: Sounded like Minnie Mouse ran into a big bad

wolf. LUCY: (Nervous.) Minnie, get out here! (MINNIE staggers out. Her shirt is shredded, her hair a mess, and she is scared out of her mind.) MINNIE: Help. Wolf! Big wolf got me. (Staggers over to

LUCY.)


LUCY: (Baffled and scared.) What happened? (To FAMILY.) What happened to her? Who are you people?

SCARLETT: It’s nightmare time. LUCY: What? BARNABAS: (Goes to LUCY and MINNIE, spreads cape

open and speaks with an accent.) Look into my eyes. RAVEN: Old school – I love it. (LUCY and MINNIE are put in a hypnotic state.) BARNABAS: Look into my eyes. You will never harm

another. (Takes their guns.) LUCY and MINNIE: (Hypnotic voices.) We will never harm

another. BARNABAS: When the police come you will confess all

your crimes. LUCY and MINNIE: We will confess all our crimes. BARNABAS: (To FAMILY.) I forgot how much fun this is. ELVIRA: Focus, dear, focus. BARNABAS: Right. Detective Lacey captured you. LUCY and MINNIE: Detective Lacey captured us. SCARLETT: She is the toughest cop you ever met. LUCY and MINNIE: She is the toughest cop we ever met. (FAMILY MEMBERS look at SCARLETT.) SCARLETT: What? I’m giving you a moment here – enjoy it. RAVEN: Father, may I have a moment? BARNABAS: I don’t see why not. RAVEN: May I have your handkerchief? BARNABAS: But it’s dirty. RAVEN: (Smiles.) I know. BARNABAS: (Smiles.) Oh, you naughty little girl. (Hands

RAVEN the handkerchief.) RAVEN: (Places handkerchief on MINNIE’S head and rubs it

in.) Minnie, you love germs. Say it! MINNIE: I love germs. RAVEN: You are a pig that loves dirt. Say it. MINNIE: I am a pig that loves dirt.


RAVEN: I’m finished, Father. You can have her. ELVIRA: Well done, my dear. SCARLETT: (Proud.) Indeed. BARNABAS: Lucy and Minnie, you will sit on the couch and

not move until you’re told. LUCY and MINNIE: Sit on couch and will not move. (THEY

sit.) BARNABAS: Those two will never be the same. ELVIRA: Good. (JASON enters as a wolf.) ELVIRA: Nice job, son. JASON: (Takes off mask and claws.) Thank you, Mother. I

thought so. I heard her coming back, and since I hadn’t transformed yet, I chose to use the mask.

RAVEN: Whatever gets you through the night. ELVIRA: How’s Detective Lacey? SCARLETT: She has a hard head; she’ll be fine. Father, is

this what you call getting away from the “old ways”? BARNABAS: There are times when - SCARLETT: Yeah, yeah, whatever gets you through the

night. ELVIRA: What now, dear? BARNABAS: Those two aren’t going anywhere. Lacey will

soon wake up and your testimony will no longer be needed. So I think it’s time for the family Bytes to disappear into the night.

SCARLETT: Finally. ELVIRA: Wait. (Goes to table and writes note on back of

game tablet.) I want to leave a little note for the police. SCARLETT: (Sarcastic.) How sweet. RAVEN: You’re going to miss Lacey and you know it. SCARLETT: Yeah sure, whatever. RAVEN: Better watch it, Sister. Your soft side is starting to

show. SCARLETT: You wish. (To ELVIRA.) What are you doing,

writing a novel? ELVIRA: Done.


BARNABAS: Okay, let’s go. SCARLETT: (Drops down beside LACEY.) Can I give Lacey

one little bite to remember us by? FAMILY: NO! (LACEY stirs.) BARNABAS: Quickly, she’s waking up. (To LUCY and

MINNIE.) You will remember all that I told you. LUCY and MINNIE: Yes, master. SCARLETT: Master? Oh, you’ve got to teach me that. BARNABAS: Get moving. JASON: Can we go see Breaking Dawn? FAMILY: NO! (THEY exit SL.) (LACEY wakes up in a daze and sees LUCY and MINNIE on couch. SHE jumps up, comically grabs gun and nervously aims at THEM.) LACEY: Don’t move! LUCY and MINNIE: We won’t. (CAGNEY runs in with KOJAK and they are stunned to see LACEY with criminals.) CAGNEY: Lacey? LACEY: (Trying to act in-charge.) Everything’s good – I got

them. KOJAK: I can see that. Where are the Bytes? LACEY: I…I don’t know. (CAGNEY rushes to look for them in the back rooms, then to kitchen.) KOJAK: (To LUCY and MINNIE.) Where are they? What did

you do to them? LUCY: We confess, we robbed the jewelry store. MINNIE: And the banks – all of them. KOJAK: (Shocked.) They confessed to everything.


LACEY: Wow. KOJAK: Listen to me – where are the Bytes? LUCY: Detective Lacey is the toughest cop we ever met. KOJAK: (Shocked.) Really? LACEY: (Shocked.) Really? LUCY and MINNIE: Yes, really. CAGNEY: (Standing by table reading note.) Sir, I think this

explains it all. It’s a letter from the Bytes. KOJAK: What’s it say? CAGNEY: “Dear Police, Thanks to the heroic actions of

Detective Lacey our presence is no longer needed. Not only did she fight with the skills of a warrior, but she got them to confess. We are proud to call her a friend. Sincerely, the Family Bytes.” Lacey, is this true?

LACEY: I guess. KOJAK: What do you mean you guess? LACEY: Everything’s a blur – I don’t remember. KOJAK: By the looks of Minnie I’d say blind rage. I’ve seen

it before. The threat of death – the adrenaline rush – the action – too much, too fast to remember.

CAGNEY: Lacey, you’re a hero. KOJAK: Indeed she is. Okay, it’s your collar. What now? LACEY: (Slowly smiles.) Where are the city’s two toughest

cops – the ones that said those two were in the coffee shop?

KOJAK: Outside. LACEY: Bring them in. KOJAK: (Yells off.) Starsky, Hutch, get in here! (The song “Bad Boys” plays as STARSKY and HUTCH enter SR swaggering, both wearing sunglasses and dressed like actors in a ‘70s cop show. They go to LUCY and MINNIE, turn in unison, and fold arms.) STARSKY: You wanted us, Lieutenant? CAGNEY: No, she does. Lacey has something to say. HUTCH: (Laughs.) What’s little Suzie girl want? LACEY: (Points to LUCY and MINNIE.) Book ‘em. HUTCH: (Arrogant.) What?


LACEY: Book my collar. STARSKY: (Doesn’t’ believe it.) Yeah, right, your collar. KOJAK: (Firm.) You heard the detective – book ‘em! STARSKY: Yes, sir. HUTCH: Right away, sir! (THEY grab LUCY and MINNIE.)

Let’s go, scum. (HUTCH tries to grab handkerchief from MINNIE’S head, but she holds on to it.) MINNIE: No! My dirt! HUTCH: Move it, you weirdo! MINNIE: We did the crimes – we were bad. HUTCH: Whatever – move it! (As all FOUR exit, “Bad Boys” plays and STARSKY and HUTCH swagger out in unison.) KOJAK: (To LACEY.) Well done, Detective, well done. And

one more thing, who loves ya baby? (Exits SR.) CAGNEY: How’s it feel to be the hero? LACEY: (Still overwhelmed.) Great. I just wish I could

remember it. CAGNEY: Maybe in time. LACEY: I wish I could remember saying goodbye to the

Bytes. You may not believe it, but I’m going to miss those weirdoes. (THEY start to exit.)

CAGNEY: I know what you mean. LACEY: Crazy Scarlett and her doll. CAGNEY: What was up with that? LACEY: Jason thought he was a wolf, and the old man and

his cape. (BOTH laugh.) LACEY: (As THEY exit SR.) If I didn’t know better I’d swear

they were…

END OF PLAY

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8191 Family Bytes