Upload
ramdiculous
View
216
Download
0
Tags:
Embed Size (px)
DESCRIPTION
That sucks... By: Samuel Clemens Volume 6, Issue 2 Bubblegum Day February 6, 2009 Angelo State’s Finest Paper Since Fall 2006 Continued on page 3
Citation preview
Communist Plot When last we were together, dear readers, you were informed of the beauty and idyllic properties of a system of governance and together‐ness through the time honored, al‐beit failed, ideology of Commu‐nism. And, as promised, this week we shall delve more in depth into how this sort of change could feasi‐bly take place on our campus. The process is admittedly lengthy, but the benefits of such a change would be so great, provide immediate and dynamic results, that our model could become the new standard in higher educational affectations. If you will remember, last week I in‐troduced the thought that Commu‐nism was the idea of giving control of the decisions concerning both political and economic policies to the people. But with the time that has passed, I'm sure many of you have found yourselves wondering just what sort of economic and po‐litical decisions there are to be made on a college campus. Well, think about this ‐ we have a Stu‐dent Government, we have a Uni‐versity President, Deans of the vari‐ous colleges, and we all pay tuition
(dear God, do we pay tuition). So right there we have politics, in a sense, and economics (again, in a sense). And certainly, if we are at‐tending Angelo State, we have de‐termined that we desired to do so. No one but ourselves has the power to decide where we attend college. But once we have made that deter‐mination, little else in the way of our education, at least in the mac‐rocosmic plane, is ours. We cannot choose who presides over our spe‐cific college, the President of the University, or how much we pay. The only political determination we presently make is in the Student Government elections, but even in that we only have power over the figurehead President and his or her running mate. If we were to move for a more Communist lifestyle, we could choose all of these things. However, I know that elections are a boring and lengthy idea. So in‐stead, I propose that in our Com‐munist universe, we take those who seek a position of power and have a battle
Continued on page 3
By: Samuel Clemens
page
Volume 6, Issue 2 Bubblegum Day February 6, 2009
Ang
elo State’s Fine
st Pap
er Since Fall 200
6
Picture of the week
That sucks...
2
And now onto the erect‐I mean elections in Iraq—Newscaster Quote of the Week
This week, we are honoring Dr. Toni Sauncy. The most notable thing about her is her obvious passion for her students and their education (If only she had a similar passion for making lab reports easy). Every day, Dr. Sauncy is in front of stu‐dents, helping them unlock the mysteries of the world around them and sometimes even the universe. That’s her intent any‐way, but despite her efforts, there’s always those few for
whom those mys‐teries stay locked. Another notewor‐thy thing about her is that, she really doesn’t come across as a nerd. Now don’t get me wrong, get her talking about her research or any upper level physics and you’ll soon find out she is, but she hides it well. This of
course allows her to function in every‐day society much less awk‐wardly than a stereo‐typical sci‐entist. All in all, she’s pretty cool.
The Eggheads of Today
Dr. Toni Sauncy
DON’T BE BULLIED BY “THE MAN”
By: Chris Cooper
Drugs Make Women Love Me Bringing prescription drugs and teenagers together is like open‐ing a lemonade stand in the desert. Deserts are hot, boring, sandy expanses of land that should be destroyed. Destroyed things seldom work. Work is a place where people who are poor, but ambitious, go to get money. Money is a precious commodity that makes the world go round. Round people make me laugh. Laughing is a reactionary response to some‐thing that looks funny, like a puppy on a unicycle or Seth Chomout. Seth Chomout is an evil genius. Genius is an ability that few possess, but hope for. For in the end, if all is none and none is all, the world is flat and full of holes. Holes are those places in your jeans you put your legs through to wear them. Them is a very innocuous
term people throw around when they do not know people. People are scary. Scary movies are quite fun to laugh at be‐cause everyone in them is re‐tarded. Retarded is a mean word for calling someone, like James Kelly, dumb. Dumb and Dumber was a great film. Film often builds up in my shower. Showers are parties for preg‐nant women. Women are in‐sane and should be avoided at all costs. Costs for food and gas are still very high right now, this both concerns and displeases me. Me, a name I call myself because I'm not so self‐absorbed as to refer to myself in third person. Persons should not live in the desert because it is far too hot. Hot chicks love me.
You know who else has way too much power? Capital One. This will be the main focus of my spiel today. You see, at one time Capital One may have been a good credit card company to be with, but they’ve gained so many customers that things are looking bad for the consumer. If you’re looking into a credit card company, stay away from Capital One. If you’re already with them, I recommend getting out as soon as possible. You see, I’ve just returned from my one year stay in the corporate world (Capital One/SITEL, aka “Hell”) and I’ve got the skinny when it comes to this company. You see, there are always two parties in a contract. Each side has rights and obligations, and each side wants to maximize their rights and minimize their obliga‐tions. That’s what Capital One has been working to do now for a long time, and they’re doing it very well. Keep in mind; I’m not in any way slandering CapOne. This information is based on the policies I worked with every day for a year, and frankly, there’s no need for slander. Let’s begin.
Did you know that Capital One has always had a pay by phone fee? So do other places, but theirs is $10.00 through their automated system, which most customers have disliked (that’s being nice) and deemed confusing for as long as I’d worked there. If
you pay through a live representative, it’s $14.95. For most people, that’s more than two hours of work down the drain just to pay your bill. There are, of course, rare exceptions, but the only way to have your pay by phone fee waived now days is if you tell them you’re having trouble with the website and can’t make your payment online.
By the way, “No Hassle” refers only to the rewards program and to their version of direct checks (if you’re familiar with what that is). It’s true that their rewards program is the best, but if you don’t have one with your account, then “No Hassle” doesn’t apply to you. If your problem exists outside of the rewards program, then it doesn’t apply to you anyway.
Capital One changed to a new account servicing program in October. One of the coding thingies that Capital One demanded was that past due fees (and other fees in general) not be waived very often. This is speculation, but I’m guessing that Capital One felt they weren’t making enough money with having the representatives waive the occasional fee for the customer. So, while most fees are still waive‐able sometimes, past due fees will very, very, very rarely be credited. From October to the time I quit working
for SITEL at the end of this past month I probably waived 2 or 3 past due fees while working 26 hours a week. I never determined what the new waiver criteria is, but even if you’ve had a perfect payment history for over ten years, and your payment reaches them in the mail a day late, their program will not waive your fee. It’s not very customer friendly, is it? There are exceptions for cases of hardship. Sometimes.
There’s one last example I want to throw at you. CapOne used to have an Emergency Funds Program. If you were stranded with no cash, and no available credit, they might help you out by putting some money on your card so that you could gas up the car and make it back home. Nice, right? But it’s no longer available as of mid‐January. Why would they cancel something so helpful?
Again, this is only more speculation, but I per‐sonally believe that Capital One is so huge now (they’re “servicing” approximately one in every three households, and have over 48 million ac‐counts) that they feel they no longer have to worry about having great customer service policies. If you ever call, and you don’t get the answer or explana‐tion that you wanted, there’s actually a good chance
it’s not the representative’s fault. Capital One has become customer un‐friendly, in my humble opin‐ion, and there are plenty of other reasons I could list of why you should stay away. Are other banks evil? Probably, yes. I’m sure almost all of them are run by money grubbers as well. But you can find a more customer friendly bank than Capital One. Also keep in mind that what I’ve discussed only pertains to the credit cards. While Capital One does everything else a regular bank does, I never worked for any other departments. I imagine, however, that the level of customer friendliness is about the same.
So this is your friend, “Coop,” reminding you that the guys who wrote their commercials are getting paid big bucks to make you laugh and want to go to Capital One. Don’t buy in. Also, if you haven’t taken one of Noelke’s government classes, then sign up at the first possible chance. You’ll learn a lot about “the Real World,” and about how power works by nature. And also remember… that nobody likes a bully. In this case, University, I’m looking your way. Take care of yourselves and thanks for listening.
By: Albert Einstein
3
royale. All candidates are thrown into a pit full of partially congealed Jell‐O and piranha with nothing
but the clothes on their backs and a whiffle ball bat. No rules, just fantastic comedy. Last one standing, or with the most flesh still attached, wins. Of course, this would not work for choosing the University Presi‐dent, candidates for that position are far too digni‐fied. In lieu of an election for that position, we gather the candidates in the CJ Davidson Conference Room and hang a piece of paper high above that proclaims the bearer of the paper the new President. Whoever can reach it first wins. All of this would, of course, be broadcast on RamTV all over campus. This is just an idea of course, and I'm sure we can come up with better ways for such elections. As far as the econom‐ics, and tuition et al, is concerned, well that is a topic best saved for next week. Until then, my friends, re‐member ‐ "Men's ideas are the most direct emana‐tions of their material state." ‐‐Karl Marx
Continued from cover
POWER
(Winter 1995, Michigan) During the ski season at Sugarloaf Resort, a new lift operator was assigned to work the bottom of Lift 2. He was greatly impressed by the bull wheel that turned slowly above his head. The giant spokes on the wheel were impossible to resist. He grabbed onto a spoke and did a few pull‐ups while the wheel turned.
After entertaining himself in this manner for a while, he decided to try this trick on the outer rim of the wheel. His timing was off. He did not drop down in time. Caught between the wheel and the lift cable, he was sliced in twain during this fateful final trip around the bull wheel.
Darwin Awards Aires‐ this is around my time of birth. We are all soul mates. We will be rich and rule the world. Taurus‐ howdy‐doody‐doo! Don’t fall in snow when you are naked. Gemini‐ AFV is a great show if you want to watch crazy people do crazy stuff that they just happened to be filming on camera. Cancer‐ if you spend money, any money at all, you will be poor in the end. Leo‐ since this is the shortest sign of them all, this is all you get. Virgo‐ CIA has some really cheap good stuff for sale. GOGOGO Libra‐ dr. rallo, since this is my last horoscope, I will give you a good one. May the feathers in your pillow be hypoallergenic, may your steak always be cooked to exactly 170 degrees, may your stew al‐ways be stewy, and may your ranch always be fat free. Scorpio‐ schlemiel, schlimazel. Look it up
Sagittarius‐ don’t put babies in toilets. It is detrimental Capricorn‐ if you have a truck please consider taking up more than 2 parking spaces. Others ap‐preciate it. Aquarius‐ floopty wooptydoo! Pisces‐ that is just weird. Never mind…does it bother you that I had a really awesome thought in my head and no one will know it?
Ram of the Week Zach MorganZach MorganZach Morgan
Horoscopes
Woah! Talk about crazy people. Zach is certainly quite a character. If you run into him, you probably won’t know what hit you. He’s full of life, full of passion, and full of love; and depending on the time of day, quite possibly full of cheese. He is a singer and guitarist for the band Puppy Love Bebop M a c h i n e ( h t t p : / /www.myspace.com/plbm) And
is basically one of the most fun p e o p l e you can find to hang out with. Make sure you say hi to him when you see him around, and try to get him to answer a question with the word “mine.”
We are your voice, the voice of the Students of Angelo State. Be heard, we would like to know what you love
about ASU, what you hate about ASU and what you think needs to be changed around here. We are here for YOU!
If you have a comment, complaint, concern, or question, don’t hesitate to contact us. Via email [email protected], via phone (325) 942‐2063, via our suggestion box in the
UC, in our office UC 133 or even come attend our meetings at 6 PM on Monday nights.
4
http
://w
ww
.ram
dicu
lous
.com
/dr
When someone says “What if I were gay and turned around and kissed you”
Awkwardness...
We M3$$3d Up We would like to apologize for what was printed in last week’s issue. In the “Obama Files” the implication was made that Rush Limbaugh was irra‐tional. We are sorry. This was an inap‐propriate thing to say. To say that Mr. Limbaugh was acting irrationally would suggest that he is capable of rational‐ity. In fact, I am fairly confident that he is not capable of conscious thought of
any kind, but rather is an automatic dispenser of hate, intolerance, and libelous accusations that could be debunked by a retarded monkey. That same monkey could also easily defeat him in any debate (given that the de‐bate was based in reality, not some hideous concoction of Limbaugh’s disabled mind).
now an interactive
media experience
ramdiculous.com/store
5
Last week, Jens Clayson answered the question of the week on Facebook, his picture was in the Ramdiculous Page, but his name was not, and we did not want to deprive you of learning his
name, so we dedicated this to him...
6
10. The Office 9. Ferris Wheel 8. Your mom 7. Prison 6. Bedroom 5. Times Square 4. Football Game 3. Ski Slope 2. Airplane Bathroom 1. Eiffel Tower
Top Ten Places to Fool Around
Campus Reflections The Wailing Cat By: Joan of Arc
I’m the type of person that taps my pen on the desk during a test, bounces my foot while sitting with people on a couch, or hums on road trips when everyone is quietly reading. Of those little consistently annoying things I shall be crowned queen of. They usually don’t bother me unless I allow myself to focus on them, then its game over. And fast. Now here’s a little story of one annoyance that got the best of me. For the first two weeks of school there was a cat outside my window. How do I know this? Because that cat would never shut up, that’s how. Now, I’m not a cat person so the little monster already had one mark against it straight out of the starting blocks and it quickly went downhill from there. It never failed, for fourteen days straight the cat would begin its sickening serenade to the moon at approximately 11:00 PM. For the first couple of days it was innocent enough, a lonely or cold cat whimpering outside my bedroom window. That was no big deal, I could sleep to that. By day four, the simple whimpering
became a drawn out cry of its broken soul. It took me near an hour to shut out sound before sleep could consume me. By day seven, the drawn out cry became a tortured wailing. I never wished for God to send a lightning bolt from the sky to destroy any living creature until that stupid, ridiculous, demonic cat. This wailing continued for another seven days. Every night. Just as I climbed in under my blankets for some much needed beauty sleep, it would begin. Noise came in my window that should never be heard by the human ear‐ Sounds of torture, neglect, pain, and suffering. So bone chilling I even yelled out for whoever was causing such pain to the cat to just shoot it already and put the thing out of its misery. No such luck. So I endured for a whole fourteen days. I stand before you now a sleep‐deprived survivor. And I blame Ram Central Station for feeding and watering the cats that are on campus. Just let the cats die. Every last one of them. Please, I need my sleep.
Words
of
Wisdom
Keith, watch your back… don’t make promises you cannot keep
7
Scare‐crow menace Weekend in Venice
Go watch the apprentice And think of cheese
Potato chip salad
Gut wrenching ballad I’ll prove it to be valid If you just say please
AND NOW BOYS AND GIRLS, IT’S POETRY TIME!
Weekly Rant By: George Ferguson
To all you faithful readers, I tip my hat. To all you supporters, great job supporting. To all you nay‐sayers, keep nay‐saying. You shall see. What does all this have in common? Let’s see. I guess what I’m trying to say is this is my last column for a while. I, like many of you, am getting kicked in the kisser by school, and I am in dire need of some time off. This also has great promise for one of you! If you have a rant that you would like to rant about (obviously), then by all means, send it in! There aren’t any stan‐dards you have to meet (look at me! Im a moron!) So I leave you with this…
From "The Sound of Music" Words by Oscar Hammerstein 2nd
Music by Richard Rodgers
There's a sad sort of clanging From the clock in the hall
And the bells in the steeple too, And up in the nurs'ry an absurd
little bird Is popping out to say "coocoo".
Regretfully they tell us, But firmly they compel us To say goodbye to you.
So long, farewell, Auf wiederse‐
hen, good night, I hate to go and leave this pretty
sight. So long, farewell, Auf wiederse‐
hen, adieu, Adieu, adieu, to yieu and yieu and
yieu.
So long, farewell, Au'voir, auf wiedersehen,
I'd like to stay and taste my first
champagne So long, farewell, Auf wiederse‐
hen, goodbye, I leave and heave a sigh and say
goodbye, Good bye
I'm glad to go,
I cannot tell a lie. I flit, I float,
I fleetly flee, I fly.
The sun has gone to bed and so must I
So long, farewell, auf wiederse‐hen, goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye!
8
The Incredible Question
What was your favorite Superbowl commercial?
Doritos‐Lucky Day ‐Andrew Duerksen
Definitely that Bridgestone commercial where the
astronauts get their rover jacked by aliens. ‐Ally McKinney
they were slacking this year, i cant say that i had a favorite. ‐Sarah Ruth
“Thoughts of punching small
animals.” ‐Tanner King
Mr. & Mrs. Potatohead!!! ‐Zach Morgan
Who’s This?
Jump online to tell us who this
is… RAMDICULOUS.COM
Last Weeks Correct Submissions Kendra Franke
Sarah Ruth Wylie Kelsey Lemaster Brayton Glidewell
Trogdor
We have some disturbing news about President Obama’s family. I’m not too sure what it means, but I believe it paints a bad picture of what Obama’s values and morals are. President Obama’s half brother George Obama was arrested on Saturday in Nairobi, Kenya for
possession of marijuana. Just think, if George Obama smokes weed in defiance of his nation’s laws, wouldn’t it make sense to think Barack Obama would have a similar disrespect for our anti‐drug laws? After all, we all know that genetics is almost entirely to blame for drug use and general disregard of morality. Scared yet? You should be. Half of George Obama’s amoral, anti‐government genes are shared with our President. If we’re lucky, simply the weed smoking part got passed to Presi‐dent Obama, and the worst he’ll do is legalize it. If we aren’t so lucky, he could have pursued the Presidency with the plan to disassemble our glorious republic and leave us in a state of anar‐chy. Then we would have no defense against the onslaught of
Chinese advances, and I don’t speak Mandarin, so that would suck! Pray that George’s anti‐government actions stem from his mother’s genetic contribution. Then we’ll have nothing to worry about.
Pragmatic Patsy
9
ADVERTISE WITH US. If you would like your ad to appear in the
Ramdiculous Page, please contact us at [email protected]
Advertising Guidelines 1. Deadline for ads to be submitted is 1:00pm the Tuesday before publi‐
cation. 2. Ads will be received only if they are complete. Ramdiculous Page will
not create any ads. 3. Ad size will not exceed one‐quarter of a page. 4. Organizations/events may have more than one ad, but no organiza‐
tion/event will be allowed more than one‐quarter of a page in ad space.
Ramdiculous Page will not advertise for any off‐campus event except in certain circumstances,* or anything of questionable nature. This includes but is not limited to: • alcohol • drugs • tobacco • illegal activities *Exceptions to this rule will be determined the staff of Ramdiculous Page
Pragmatic Patsy welcomes you to beckon me for advice whenever you find yourself in need of a wise word. If you can’t flash my signal in the night sky to summon me, you may e‐mail me at [email protected]. Dear Pragmatic Patsy, I am in a long‐distance relationship. My boyfriend, Earl Thipodeaux lives in Littleville Hollow, Arkansas. We have known each other for a long time but now we are together and it’s hard to be away from him. He is really sweet and sends me lyrics to songs, like “I’m gonna miss her…when I get home….” And “All my Ex’s Live in Texas, so that’s why I hang my hat in Tennessee…”, “It’s too late baby, now its too late, though we really did try to make it…” Anyway, how do I maintain this relationship when we can’t see each other? I know it’s hard for guys to stay focused on one girl, especially if she isn’t around. How do I know he will be faithful and how do I keep him interested?
Long Distance Lana Dear LDL, It is hard for guys to remain interested. But this Earl sounds like a keeper. I bet he has a buddy and they get into all kinds of shenanigans—like getting the
pickup stuck in the bayou while trying to pull an inner tube laden with his little brother Billy Bob. Alas, the fun you two will have. Well, you can’t be sure that he will be faithful. You must trust him, and before you can trust him you have to determine if he is trust‐worthy. Usually strong, long‐term relationships in his life are a good indication of trustworthiness. Keep him interested by not being super accessible but still showing him that you care about him. He must always feel like he has to overcome obstacles to get to you, or it won’t be fun for him. Not big or insurmountable ones, just enough to keep him chasing you. Also, send him frequent pictures of yourself. Not the lewd, inappropriate kind—just photos of you and your friends, or your niece, or whoever (except Sancho, that might not go over well). He needs to remember what you look like with different facial expressions, clothes, etc. to remind himself that you are continuing to live life—you aren’t exactly the same as the girl he last saw. I will be vigilantly scanning CMT for (Lord willing) the Lana & Earl edition of “My Big Redneck Wedding.”
Tenderly,
Pragmatic Patsy
Here we go now after the suspense of the Super Bowl last week we now have to wait till March for the next major sports event. You guessed it‐March Madness! With the usual batch on top we have Connecticut, Duke, and North Carolina. What is unusual to see is UCLA and Texas down at 15 and 16. Two likely to win it all might only be getting 4 or even 5 seeds come tournament time. One more month to play lets see what happens. If you recognize my name you may remember I wrote a less serious ranting article last year, but new year and new goals. I will still include sass in my sports articles. For example this week I have to say screw the Yankees, and if you are a Yankees fan I have to ask really?! This year they are spending about $207 million on payroll. This is $70 million more than any other team. Alex Rodriguez makes more money at $28 million this season then the entire payroll of the Florida Marlins, yet the Yanks still can't even contend with Tampa Bay which has about a fifth of the payroll. Yankees you suck!
The Obama Files
This Week in Sports By: J-Dizzle
R A M D I C U L O U S P A G E P O L I C Y Published every Friday and available to students on campus. This newspaper does not express the opinions of any writer, editor, or anyone affiliated with Angelo State University or the Texas Tech University System or this newspaper. We welcome all letters. Please include your name, position, and an email address. All submissions are considered property of the Ramdiculous Page and will not be returned. Submit your letters via our email, [email protected] or website www.ramdiculous.com. Opinions in any letter or writing are not necessarily those of the staff, nor should any opinion expressed in a public forum be construed as the opinion or policy of the administration or the Ramdiculous Page. By submitting anything to the Ramdiculous Page, you are giving the Ramdiculous Page permission to use your Facebook and/or Myspace profile in any way the Ramdiculous Page deems usable, unless expressed in writing. If you are an professor you need not worry, we will not use your profiles.
Sudo
ku
Ramdiculous Observances Saturday ‐ Dump Your Significant Jerk Day
(even if he doesn't know he's a jerk)
Sunday ‐ Laugh and Get Rich Day (wish it was that easy)
Monday ‐ Read in the Bathtub Day (with or without water, your choice)
Tuesday ‐ Westminster Dog Show Day
(go, border collies!)
Wednesday ‐ Satisfied Staying Single Day
Thursday ‐ Darwin Day (try to win an award)
PUSH 1:15pm 4:30pm 7:30pm
10:30pm
PAUL BLART MALL COP 11:45am 2:15pm 4:50pm
7:50pm 10:15pm
HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU
1:00PM 4:00PM 7:00PM 9:55PM
UNDERWORLD 3 1:05pm 4:05pm 7:05pm
9:35pm
NEW IN TOWN 11:25am 1:55pm 4:20pm
7:20pm 10:00pm
TAKEN 11:50am 2:20pm 5:00pm
8:00pm 10:40pm
Movie Times
Movie Review Hello ASU Campus. First I want to thank all who came out to our Ramdiculous Page Formal. Albeit the night was short it definitely was a blast. I personally had a great night with all my fellow Ramdicu‐lous Page staff members and friends. For those of you who did miss that awesome night, do not fret because it was the first annual and it will return. Now, on to what you came to this article for: a movie re‐view.
Alright fellow ASU Ram movie goers, today I have for you the third movie from a very awe‐some trilogy, Underworld Rise of the Lycans. Now while this movie is the third part install‐ment of the series, it actually takes place before the other two. So, if you haven't yet seen either one then you can go and watch Rise of the Ly‐cans and not have to worry
about understanding the story or the plot of the trilogy. How‐ever, for those of you who have seen both previous Un‐derworld films you will come across a lot of very familiar elements. There are many reoccurring characters on both the Vampires and Lycans side alike, however Selene and Michael will not be in the film as it takes place before either one of their time. Aside from returning characters, the story explains notions that the other two films just talked about or hinted at. This film really solves a lot of mysteries for those of you who have ques‐tions about the history of this fascinating world. Dueses!
‐Smitty McSmitherson O'Toole the Third from the Golden Forest of Gnome Alaska