6 Terrifying Things They Don't Tell You About Childbirth 1

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#6.

6 Terrifying Things They Don't Tell You About ChildbirthBy Travis Corkery

You know what's scarier than death? Birth.

For those of you about to have your first child, or who are considering

it, you should know that there are some things about childbirth

they're not telling you. Disgusting, horrifying things.

Our goal here isn't to talk you out of having kids (it'd suck to be the website that

convinced mankind to go extinct). We just want you to be prepared so you don't

run screaming from the hospital.

The Placenta

Webster's defines the placenta as: "the organ in most mammals, formed in the

lining of the uterus by the union of the uterine mucous membrane with the

membranes of the fetus, that provides for the nourishment of the fetus and the

elimination of its waste products."

Urban Dictionary would describe it (if there was such and entry) as, "The lumpy,

blood-soaked terror that comes out after the baby and will visit you in your

nightmares for years to come."

This is a blobfish. A real placenta can be found here if you dare.

The upside of witnessing the birth of a placenta is that the image it burns intoyour soul will make you thankful for the six sex-free weeks you have ahead of

you. The downside is that you will forever wonder if your baby had a previously

unnoticed twin who could have went on to make you a fortune as the star of

untold numbers of b-rated horror films.

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5 01.09.2008 22:56

#5.

Picture a vagina blowing a meat-bubble. Now imagine someone surgically

attaching that meat-bubble to a newborn via a pulsating sausage casing.

Episiotomies

Modern medicine is full of examples of "cures" that seem worse than the

condition they are designed to treat (or in the case of episiotomies, prevent).

For instance, the dreaded episiotomy. The word itself comes from the Greek

"epison," which means "pubic region," and "-tomy" which, one can only assume,

means "to cut the fuck out of."

In an episiotomy, a scalpel is used to create an incision that starts at the bottom

of the vagina, and goes downward towards the rectum. As if this wasn't hard

enough to watch without crying like the little girl that our high school gym

teachers always knew we would turn out to be, the procedure is carried out at

the same time the baby's head is forcing its way out.

This, but with scissors. And a vagina. And imagine a screaming baby coming out of the box.

Why would a highly trained, and over-paid professional do such a procedure? To

keep the vagina from tearing, silly. To the layman (and by "layman" we mean

weeping, trembling onlooker), this seems like breaking your own windows with

bricks to keep the neighborhood kids from breaking them with baseballs.

So why do they do it? Remember that time Barney the dinosaur locked his keysin his car and tried to get in by climbing in thru the exhaust pipe? Well childbirth

can be just like that. But in reverse. And with blood. And instead of an exhaust

pipe, it's a vagina.

Yeah, just like that.

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5 01 09 2008 22:56

#4. Feces

You might be tempted to think all the time you have spent watching clips of

poo-porn on the internet would prepare you for this, but you would be wrong.

We'll spare most of the smelly details since Cracked is a family site (as long as

your family consists of alcoholic pop-culture junkies) but be assured that after

the birth experience your view of poop will never be the same.

First off, the mom-to-be is going to take a big fat dump on the hospital bed.

Yes, Hollywood tends to leave that part out.

Apparently, passing an 8-pound canned ham through your hoo-ha compresses the

intestine and has a tendency to push any fecal material inside of it out of the

body. Also, there will probably be no fewer than 10 people in the room watching

it happen. Oddly, mom may not even know it has happened, and those who

witnessed it will probably be too polite (or horrified) to say anything.

Secondly, the baby is gonna poo too. That isn't news. In fact, "baby-shit yellow"

is a color available on the new Chevy Camaro. Oddly, that same color is not an

option available for the baby's first duke. For the first few days the baby's bowel

movements will be black, and have the consistency of fresh roofing tar. Also, it

will be about as easy to clean as fresh roofing tar. They may also taste like fresh

roofing tar, but who wants to eat fresh roofing tar just to make that

comparison?

To put it in perspective: Have you ever spent a night drinking cheap beer, only

to wake up with a headache, and a serious case of black diarrhea? It's a lot like

that. Which begs the question, "How did the baby get Budweiser in the womb?"

The answer of course is: Through the umbilical cord. Duh!

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