5.1 Influencing Without Alienating · unrelated matter. Furthermore, after you’ve erupted, you’ll behave submissively because you feel guilty about the emotional outburst—and

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Influencing Without Alienating

Our Objectives

This self-study training will give you certainty that you have a solid base on which you can proficiently build your skills and competencies.

It encourages you to habituate the thinking and the behaviours of a highly influential leader.

Our objectives are to:

ü Have you feel unruffled, even coolheaded, and proud of who you are as a leader, when it’s time for you to deal with an awkward situation.

ü Ensure you no longer flinch when you need to have a conversation with a sensitive or thorny person.




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The Costs Of Not Influencing—And The Benefits Of You Being Highly Influential

First up, let’s review your current situation:

ü Where exactly do you want to be influential? Think about a specific situation that you’re currently exposed to... Who do you want to influence, to do what?

ü What potential costs might there be if you’re not influential in this situation?

ü What are the l ikely costs of you alienating your other party —if you don’t handle the situation well?

ü What benefits are l ikely to show up for you when you’re a competent and confident influencer—one who influences the other person without alienating them?




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Four Types Of Behaviours

Your Behavioural Options

In order to have you develop the behaviours of a strong and confident influencer, we need to differentiate four possible behaviours:

ü Submissive

ü Defensive

ü Aggressive

ü Assertive

Take a look at how I’ve defined these four possible behaviours in this 2 x 2 matrix. It’ll help you answer the questions I’m going to ask you overleaf:




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AssertiveDirect Solution oriented Win/win Persistent

AggressiveBlunt Dogmatic Abusive Win/lose

DefensiveInternal Withdrawn Stubborn Covertly hostile

SubmissiveCircuitous Hiding Manipulative Yielding

Direct

Indirect

H o s t i l e

R e s p o n s i v e




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Notes On The 2 x 2 Assertion Matrix

It ’s important to consider the two continuums on which this matrix is based:

ü Direct versus Indirect (with your words and message)

ü Hostile versus Responsive (with people)

And note the words used to describe each of the four behaviours. Each square on the matrix is quite different from the other three.

I want to emphasize that this model is an essential foundation stone that will enable you to quickly become a highly influential leader.

Please don’t skip through it too quickly. It will prepare you well for our next steps.




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Case Study:

To better understand the 2 x 2 assertion matrix and the four behavioural options on a practical level, we'll look at a case study…

As our case study situation, I’ve chosen an everyday, domestic scenario that is easy to relate to.

Here’s the situation that we need to deal with…

James has come home from work tired, frustrated and irritated after a long day.

He walks in, immediately turns the on television and sits down to watch it.

Kate, his wife, has been alone in the house all day with their two pre-school children. She’s feeling neglected and unsupported.

She wants to talk with James about her day and how she’s feeling. She also wants to get his thoughts on what he would like for dinner.

Given James’ body language, she suspects he will snap at her if she doesn’t get dinner organised pretty quickly.




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Response 1:

In this first example, Kate says:

“James, I wonder if you’d like to have dinner in the park across the road.

Perhaps we could have cold meat and salad—only if you wouldn’t mind. It’s just that the children need to get out of the house.

I guess we could have it here if you want to. Maybe it would be better if we eat here.”

Circle one of the four behaviours that you think Kate is primarily demonstrating?

ü Submissive

ü Defensive

ü Aggressive

ü Assertive

Check the next page for my textbook answer…




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If you chose Submissive, you’re correct. Well done J.

Description of Submissive Behaviour

Remember our 2 x 2 matrix: Submissive behaviour is Indirect and Responsive.

It’s the correct answer because Kate was:

Circuitous

She was indirect and vague, and slow to come to the point.

Examples of Kate’s circuitous communication are:

“James, I wonder if you would l ike …” .

If she were direct she would have said something like:

“James I would l ike … How do you feel about that?”

“Perhaps we could …” was avoiding stating her opinion, probably for fear that it might be shot down. She could have said something like “Cold meat and salad sounds good to me. What do you think?”

Hiding

She internalised her thoughts and feelings, without disclosing them.

Kate didn’t disclose that she was feeling neglected and unsupported.

The problem is, when you hide your feelings, sooner or later they’ll accumulate and erupt—sometimes in response to some small, unrelated matter.

Furthermore, after you’ve erupted, you’ll behave submissively because you feel guilty about the emotional outburst—and that’ll have you returning to your normal Submissive behaviour. This swinging will continue, and continue, until you make a decision to step off the Submissive/Aggressive continuum.




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Manipulative

She said one thing in order to attempt to get another.

Examples of where Kate was manipulative are:

“ It ’s just that the children need to get out of the house”—was an attempt to use the children to get what she wanted.

“Maybe it would be better if we eat here” was an attempt to have James suggest that the park would be a good idea.

Yielding

She was appeasing, deferring and dependent.

Examples of where Kate was yielding are:

“Only if you wouldn’t mind.”

“ I guess we could eat here if you want to.”

Later in the Module I’ll be asking you some questions about Submissive behaviour, for example “How you feel when one of your team members is being Submissive with you.”

Meanwhile, let ’s check on the other three types of behaviours….




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Response 2:

This second example, Kate simply says:

“James, I don’t know what you want to do about dinner.”


ü Submissive

ü Defensive

ü Aggressive

ü Assertive





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If you chose Defensive, you’re correct. Good work J.

Description of Defensive Behaviour

Defensive behaviour is Indirect and Hostile—not very charming really, is it?

Kate was Defensive because she was:

Internal

She was non-disclosing and conflict averse.

Kate didn’t give James any information about what she thought or what she wanted.

Nor did she make any attempt to elicit from James what he wanted.

Emotionally Withdrawn

Kate didn’t indicate how she felt. She pretended things were fine.

Not only did Kate not tell James what she was thinking or what she wanted, she didn’t indicate how she felt either.

WE know that she felt “neglected and unsupported”—but it’s likely that James had no clue about those feelings.

Stubborn

Kate’s “not negotiable” stance best describes the Defensive’s person’s normal demeanour.

When a person’s behaving Defensively, they have a “My minds made up and I’m not going to tell you what I’m thinking—unless I’m pushed to” type of approach.

Covertly Hostile

Kate wasn’t solution oriented. She passed the problem to James to resolve.

Kate didn’t make any attempt to have a “solution oriented” conversation with James.

The self-focus and the lack of awareness of the needs of the other party bring about what impacts as a covert hostility.

In preparation for some of the work you’ll do later in the Module, you might want to begin to think about the likely consequences of a leader demonstrating this Defensive behaviour.




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Response 3:

Moving on to our third example, Kate says:

“James, I’m sick of being stuck in the house all day but what would you care. As I said yesterday, you should have married a television set. You’re very selfish. Obviously you need to talk with me soon if you want a say in what you have for dinner.”


ü Submissive

ü Defensive

ü Aggressive

ü Assertive





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If you chose Aggressive, you are right—that’s Direct and Hostile behaviour.

Description of Aggressive Behaviour

Kate’s Aggressive behaviour can be summed up with these four qualities:

Blunt

Kate was direct and to-the-point in a straightforward, forthright fashion.

Examples of her bluntness were:

“You should have married a television set.”

“You’re very self ish.”

Dogmatic

She was inflexible with her opinions and took a superior stance.

Kate spoke as if her opinions were facts—as demonstrated by the use of the phrases “you should”, “obviously” and “you need to”.

They were actually just her opinions.

Abusive

Kate’s tension was turned outwards and she spoke in a blaming, accusatory way.

Attempting to suppress feelings (like anger and hurt) often result in a very high emotional temperature, and sometimes an emotional outburst.

Examples of Kate being abusive are:

“What would you care.” “You’re very self ish.”

Win/Lose

Her approach had a win/loose, or win/I don’t care, attitude behind it.

Kate focussed solely on her needs.

She only considered what would be a win for her—and disregarded the impact of her win on James and what he wanted.

Will you consider when, as a leader, your behaviour sometimes tips into the Aggressive quadrant?




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Response 4:

In the final example, Kate says:

“James, I’m feeling unsupported right now. I would like to talk with you about dinner and about my day. I’m sorry to interrupt your television programme and I want to be sure we have dinner before it gets too late. How soon can we talk?”


ü Submissive

ü Defensive

ü Aggressive

ü Assertive





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No prize for a correct answer here J. It was Assertive.

Description of Assertive Behaviour

Kate was Assertive—Direct-and-Responsive. She was:

Direct

She was clear and honest with her thoughts and feelings.

Kate communicated without any hidden agenda.

She faced up to the situation and communicated her thoughts openly with James.

She also clearly communicated how she felt about the situation.

Solution Oriented

Kate’s focus was what needed to be done to resolve the situation.

She spoke about her need to talk about what to organise for dinner before it got too late.

She avoided being problem focused and dwelling on what wasn’t OK about the current situation.

Win/Win Oriented

She asked James how soon he could talk so that dinner could be organised —what would be a win for him?

Because Kate asked a question to determine James’ need (in terms of how soon he could talk), we can see that she was considering an outcome that would work for both of them.

She took a collaborative stance and avoided imposing her solution on James.

Persistent

Kate didn’t back off this potentially difficult situation.

Let’s assume that Kate wasn’t going to back off if she got push back from James.

She was prepared to be persistently Direct, Solution Oriented and Win/Win Oriented.




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Where Do You Typically Sit On The Assertion Matrix?

Where do typically sit with your behavioural habits on the Hostile/Responsive continuum? When answering this question it’s helpful to consider how win/win oriented, versus win/loose oriented, your thinking is. The more win/win, the closer you’ll sit to 10.

0________________________10

Where do you think your typical behavioural habits sit on the Direct/Indirect continuum? Do you always get straight to the point—or do you meander around the topic because you don’t want to create tension or because you haven’t found a way of being direct without it impacting as being aggressive?

0 10

Given your scores on these two continuums, which quadrant do you typically sit in :

ü Submissive?

ü Defensive?

ü Aggressive?

ü Assertive?

……………..…………………………




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Where Do You Typically Sit On The Assertion Matrix? (continued)

ü Do you tend to move to a different quadrant when you’re under stress?

ü What would those who are closest to you say about where you typically sit? What would your friends and others who know you well say?

ü Let’s get more granular about this: If each of the four quadrants was divided into four quadrants (i.e. a quadrant within each quadrant), in which corner of your quadrant might you sit? For example, when you feel cornered (excuse the pun!), even though you typically sit in the Assertion quadrant, under stress you could become more Aggressive.

Your position on the Assertion Matrix is an indication of where you have opportunities

to increase your influence!




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Reactions and Consequences

Reactions to Submissive Behaviour

Before we look at how you might respond assertively in particular situations, let’s do a quick check on our typical reactions to each of the four behaviours:

How do you feel when a person is behaving submissively with you?

Imagine you’re at the other end of circuitous, hiding, manipulative, yielding behaviours—how do you react?

Typically, we feel:

ü Frustrated and impatient, and then later annoyed.

ü Distrusting—not knowing where the other person is coming from.

ü Disrespectful of such seemingly accommodating behaviour.

ü Confused about what the person really wants.

It’s not hard to guess at how much influence a person with submissive behaviour has, is it?

Yes, very low, especially when the person on the receiving end is aware of any (conscious or unconscious) manipulation that’s going on.




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Consequences of Defensive Behaviour

Let’s think about Defensive behaviour:

What are the l ikely consequences for a person who’s behaving Defensively?

Imagine their behaviour is internal, emotionally withdrawn, stubborn and covertly hostile.

What are the likely consequences?

•

•

•

•

Here’s how others have responded to this question:

ü The defensive person is unlikely to get what they want.

ü People will avoid interacting with them.

ü They will have little connection with others.

ü Relationships will be distant—therefore trust will be low.

It’s hard to imagine how a person behaving defensively will have much influence at all, isn’t it?




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Level of Influence with Aggression

It’s time to take a look at aggression.

How influential are you l ikely to be if you behave Aggressively?

If you’re displaying the four facets of Aggression— blunt, dogmatic, abusive, win/lose oriented behaviours, how much influence are you likely to have?

•

•

•

•

Well, the thing is short-term compliance by the other person is possible, even likely—because they find your bullying to be intimating.

But how much rapport, trust and respect do we generate when we’re aggressive?

Very little, if any at all. And rapport, trust and respect are necessary for real influence!

Let’s take a closer look at our healthier, much more influential option, assertive behaviour…




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Your Assertive Responses

Before we dig into your real-life scenario in which you want to be more influential, let’s look at a couple of practice scenarios and generate an Assertive response to them:

Assertive Response #1:

An associate at work asks you for a r ide home. It ’s inconvenient because you’re late and the drive will take you out of your way.

Develop an Assertive response to this scenario—that is a responsive which is direct, solution oriented, win/win and persistent (“Persistence” can’t really be demonstrated without a longer, two-way interaction.)

You say…

How did you go?

Here’s my textbook response:

“I’m happy to help. I’m late so rather than take you all the way home, are you OK if I take you part-way to a bus stop which is convenient for you?”

ü Notice how a win/win result was targeted, and

ü The response ended with a question to see if the proposed solution would work for them.

How does your response look in terms of being direct, solution oriented, win-win, and ready to be persistent?




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Assertive Response #2:

Another function in your organisation frequently fails to meet the t ime commitments it makes. You’ve decided to assertively address the situation with the individual concerned.

You say…

Here’s my response:

“I’m feeling very frustrated because my expectations about the timing of the xyz reports is frequently not met. Can we talk about what we can do to align our expectations with the timing?”

ü Here I owned the problem, rather than point the finger at them, and

ü I disclosed my feelings, and therefore avoided having an emotional outburst.

How is your response? Check it out in terms of it being direct, solution oriented, win-win, and ready to be persistent.

Now it’s time to get to work on your real-life scenario…




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Your Real-Life Scenario

We have one last scenario to look at—and this is an interpersonal situation that is real in your life—a scenario that is current to you.

Preparation For Your Influential Interaction:

Step one

If you haven’t thought of a situation yet, now think of an interpersonal situation in which you are currently frustrated, are eager to resolve, and need to be more influential.

It could be that you’ve been avoiding dealing with the issue, or maybe you’ve tried to deal with it but ended up in conflict with the other person.

Step two

It’s important that, rather than simply launching into the conversation, you prepare for it by answering these questions:

ü What is your intent for the conversation you’re about to have?

ü How do you feel about the situation as it currently stands, and how do you feel about having the conversation?

ü What is a possible win for the other person?

Take a minute to note your answers to these three questions.




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Step three

Now it’s time for you to write your possible script for this scenario.

ü What would be a direct and honest opening? e.g. “When ……. occurred, I felt…

ü What could you say to help you focus on a solution? e.g. “What I’d like to see happen is…”

ü Check that your solution will work for your other party. e.g. “How do you feel about that?”

ü How could you be persistent, if necessary? e.g. “I feel strongly about this and I really do want to be sure we get it resolved. How can I feel certain that it won’t start happening again?”




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When you imagine that you’re using your script and carrying out the interaction, how would you rate yourself using this checklist?

Influencing Without Alienating Checklist

Direct ü How direct and honest were you with the facts?

ü How direct and honest were you with how you feel about the situation?

ü Did you operate without any hidden agenda?

Solution Oriented

ü Did you quickly begin to discuss solutions to the situation as soon as it was practical to do so?

Win/Win Oriented

ü Did you regularly ask questions of the other party, particularly to determine what solution would work for him/her?

ü Did you avoid having an interaction that was too confrontational for the other person?

ü Did you always listen to, and hear, the other person’s viewpoint?

ü Did you treat the other party as an equal, neither more or less important than you?

Persistent ü Did you, if necessary, persist enough with ensuring your view was being heard?

Your Result

ü Did you achieve your outcome?

What Worked?

ü What do you think worked well in your real-life interaction?

Could It Have Been Enhanced?

ü If you were to carry out this interaction again, what would you do differently next time?




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Carrying Out Your Real-Life Scenario

Having planned your interaction, you have two options:

ü If you think you need to practice, you could first practice your interaction with a friendly “pretend” other party before going-live.

ü You could jump straight in and carry out your interaction.

Once you’ve carried out the conversation, I recommend that you use the "Influencing Without Alienating Checklist" on the previous page again.

Consider what you actually did well and where you have opportunities to enhance your assertive behaviour and be more influential.




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Influencing Without Alienating

Your Actions

ü Determine where you typically sit on the Assertion Matrix.

ü List how you feel when someone’s behaving Submissively with you.

ü Describe the likely consequences for a person who’s behaving Defensively.

ü Determine how influential a person is when they’re being Aggressive.

ü Write down what would be an Assertive response to someone who, inconveniently, wants a ride home from work, and to someone who not getting their xyz reports to you on time.

ü Prepare to carry out your real-life scenario.

ü Use the Influencing Without Alienating Checklist to validate your script.

ü Having carried out your real-life scenario, use the "Influencing Without Alienating Checklist" to consider what you actually did well and where you have opportunities to enhance your Assertive behaviour and therefore be more influential.

Documents

5.1 Influencing Without Alienating · unrelated matter. Furthermore, after you’ve erupted, you’ll behave submissively because you feel guilty about the emotional outburst—and