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8/3/2019 30 Rock-HGN With Jenna Maroney
1/34
30 ROCK SPEC SCRIPT
"HGN with Jenna Maroney"WGAw Registration #1362112
by
Izmank
8/3/2019 30 Rock-HGN With Jenna Maroney
2/34
TEASER
FADE IN:
INT. WRITERS ROOM - WEDNESDAY MORNING(LIZ, FRANK)
LIZ enters with a donut in her hand. THE WRITERS are in themiddle of a JELLY BEAN FIGHT.
LIZ
You guys need to try and work once in
a while.
FRANK(as he takes a sticky jellybean off his face and puts
it in his mouth)
Line one is holding for you, Liz.
LIZ
Thats a good start, Frank. Now go
get me a cup of coffee.
FRANK
Take these! They are coffee flavored!
(throws a handful of jellybeans and hits Liz in theface as she enters heroffice)
INT. LIZS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS(LIZ)
Liz takes line one.
LIZ(into phone)
Hello, this is Liz.
INTERCUT:
EXT. STREET - SAME TIME(MR. HARRIS, LIZ)
MR. HARRIS,(40s, in a nice suit), is on the other side ofthe line, walking down the street.
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MR. HARRIS(into cell phone)
I have a very interesting offer for
you.
LIZ(sighs)
Listen, you guys need to stop calling.
It was just a one time thing when I
ordered those-- Well, you know what
Im talking about, and it was only for
one of the sketches we were doing that
week. Definitely not for personal
use, I dont care what my neighbors
say--
MR. HARRIS
I was told that you talk too much.
LIZ
Excuse me?
MR. HARRIS
What Im offering you is a once in a
life time opportunity: your own show.
LIZ
I do have my own show. Its not what
I would call once in a life time,
its more like once a week, every
Friday, and thank you for watching,
bye--
2.
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TRACY(composed)
Excuse me ladies and gentlemen.
FRANK
(surprised)
Huh?
TRACY
We have a show in two days. Arent we
supposed to be rehearsing right now?
FRANK
Yeah, but arent you supposed to be
sleeping off the turkey you ate in
your Hummer?
CERIE walks by wearing the tinniest shirt possible and shortshorts as usual.
TRACY(to Frank)
I had a well balanced breakfast this
morning.(to Cerie)
And Im gonna need you to dress more
appropriately. You look like a border
line sexual harassment right now.
Cerie reacts.
PETE
Yes, but in a good way, you know, it
makes you wanna run home and strangle
your wife.
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TRACY
Ill see you all on set in five --
Its time we start acting professional
around here.
Tracy exits the room.
FRANK(shocked by Tracys act)
What the hell is going on?!
END OF TEASER
5.
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ACT ONE
INT. RESTAURANT IL CAPELLO- WEDNESDAY NIGHT(MR. HARRIS, JENNA)
A WOMAN in a black dress enters with a big hat and big
sunglasses on. Camera does not show her face.
C.U. of HER WATCH as she checks the time: 7:00 PM. Mr.Harris waves his hand to her and she goes to his table.
MR. HARRIS
I knew you would come.
She sits and takes off the hat and the glasses. We see whoshe is:
JENNA
(wearing a medium-length,brunette wig; gets straightto the point)
You said Id be the only star of this
show. If that was a lie, Im leaving
right now. My taxi is still waiting
outside, and I just need to pee first.
MR. HARRIS
No lies, just you, just one star...
You must be really tired of dealing
with that dark Tracy-cloud over your
head.
JENNA
I am! The universe is not meant to be
that way. I, the star, should be on
top. So, make sure there are some
black individuals working under me.
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MR. HARRIS
Dont worry. HGN with Jenna Maroney
will be all yours.
JENNA
That sounds awfully similar. What
does HGN stand for?
MR. HARRIS
He is a Girl Now.
JENNA
What?! Am I gonna play a transgender?
MR. HARRIS
I faxed you the script. Did you
bother to read it?(pushes a script to Jenna)
JENNA
I did read it, and I sensed that
something was off, but I thought it
was just my voice.
MR. HARRIS
I know that at TGS with Tracy Jordan
you actors are left to run around like
untrained puppies, pissing all over
the script, reading whatever lines
come to mind, but HGN is a much more
serious show. Youre gonna have to
read the scripts and know your lines.
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JENNA
So I see that you want to potty-train
me and I appreciate that, but--
MR. HARRIS
Yes, we can say that I suppose.
JENNA
...but Im telling you there wasnt
any part in the script indicating that
the leading character MICHELLE used to
be MICHAEL.
MR. HARRIS
Look at the title page. There used to
be a picture of a penis there, then we
erased it, but you still can kind of
see it...(a beat; then with deep-voice)
Can you feel the transformation?
JENNA(looks closer at the titlepage)
Oh, I see it...(a beat)
Im really gonna have to think about
all this. Let me go pee while I do
that.
MR. HARRIS
OK, go. Good girl, thats a good
girl!(as if praising a puppy)
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INT. RESTAURANT IL CAPELLO- LATER(LIZ, JACK)
We see the back of A WOMAN in a black dress exiting theladies room.
CLOSE ON THE WALL-CLOCK: 8:55 PM. She walks through a crowd,back to her table...
LIZ
I really appreciate your offer Mr.
Harris, but I think I need to think
about it a little bit more--(looks around, notices no oneis at the table; to herself)
I guess he didnt mean it the same way
I did, when he said he needed to go.
LIZ (CONTD)(reading the note)
I will call you.
JACK APPEARS behind her.
JACK
Did you get ditched on a date again,
Lemon?
Liz jumps and turns around to face Jack.
LIZ
Oh, no. He says hell call me.(shows the note to Jack,fakes a smile)
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JACK
Lemon, I was saving this as a gift for
your next birthday, but I see that you
need it now more than ever: You are
getting old. You need to start
reacting.
LIZ
Reacting to what?
JACK
To all of the miserable things that
are happening in your life -- before
its too late. You have to take
command of your destiny.
Liz pauses to think for a second, then:
LIZ(looking at the note)
Then, that is exactly what Im going
to do, Jack.
JACK(chuckles, suggestingdisbelief)
Good for you, Lemon. Now if you
excuse me, I have a meeting, Ive
gotta go -- But I will call you,
unlike your date.
Liz reacts. Jack walks away. Liz takes her coat, crosses tothe door. Jack comes back into the scene, looking after Lizto make sure that shes leaving. Then he goes to a table andsits.
10.
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Camera gets closer to Jacks table and we see the sameproducer, Mr. Harris, sitting across from Jack. He pushesthe same script towards Jack.
INT. TGS WITH TRACY JORDANS SET - THURSDAY- DAY(TRACY, PETE, KENNETH, DOT COM, GRIZZ)
All of the writers and actors are on set, except for Liz andJenna.
TRACY
This is unacceptable! Liz and Jenna
are late, and probably havent even
read the script.
PETE
(softly arguing)
Liz kind of wrote it--
TRACY(getting mad)
I will talk to you when you can prove
to me that writing and reading are the
same things; we just named them
differently for the fun of it. Until
then, you can exercise your universal
right to shut up.
Pete reacts and shuts up. KENNETH runs to the set.
KENNETH
Miss Maroney just called, she said,
and I quote: Start without me,
starless without me, let it rain, let
it rain, let it rain, you dark cloud!(sings the italicpart as itwere Let It Snow)
A beat, then:
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DOT COM(to Pete)
While youre up there, tell Mr.
Donaghy were quitting.
GRIZZ(pointing to Tracy)
Yes, this is not what we signed up
for.
Pete sighs heavily and exits.
INT. JACKS OFFICE - THURSDAY- DAY(JACK, PETE)
A KNOCK on the door.
JACK
Come in.
Pete enters.
JACK (CONTD)(with his back turned againstPete)
Pete?
PETE
Yes?
JACK(turns around to face him)
I sensed that it was you.
PETE
I have a huge problem. Everybodys
acting weird, and Im scared like I
have never been married.
JACK(knowledgeably)
Its called pre-partum depression.
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PETE
I beg your partum?
JACK
With Liz not being around, you are
responsible for the entire show, and
youre nervous like a pregnant woman
who fears she wont dilate enough to
pop it out -- But wait till you meet
the postpartum.
PETE
Its not just Liz. Jenna is missing,
too, and Tracy is acting all normal
like his parents have always been
happily married.
JACK
Thats concerning. I wonder if hes
taking his oral medication all right.
Can he sit without pain complaints?
PETE
I didnt think about that. Ill go
check.
Pete crosses to the door, about to leave.
JACK
Pete, youll be fine. I trust you.
Pete nods and exits as Jack BUZZES JONATHAN.
INT. JONATHANS DESK - SAME TIME(JACK)
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JACK (O.C.)(on intercom)
Jonathan, get me Liz on the phone,
right now!
Pete hears this, walks away, discouraged.
INT. THE MAIN HALLWAY - THURSDAY- DAY(KENNETH, LIZ, JENNA)
Kenneth runs into Liz.
KENNETH
Miss Lemon?!
LIZ
Not now, Kenneth. Im in a hurry. I
have a photo shoot.(all smiles)
KENNETH
Mr. Jordan gave me a clear order: Liz
Lemon should be tackled down to the
ground when she is seen; no foul will
be whistled.
LIZ
Kenneth, you know I can take you like
an eight-year old obese girl who
slurps the living life out of her ice
cream.
KENNETH(pleasantly surprised)
You, too, believe that food is a
living organism?(a beat; then determined)
15.
(MORE)
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No, I cannot let my beliefs stop me
from executing my mission.
Elevator door opens. Jenna comes out of it.
KENNETH (CONTD)
Uh-oh! I didnt see that coming. Two
receivers at once.
LIZ(to Kenneth)
Are you also after Jenna?
JENNA
(snotty)
Cant play games guys, Im just here
to pick up some clothes. I have a
photo shoot for my new--(catches herself)
Liz gives her a suspicious look.
LIZ
What kind of photo shoot is that?
JENNA
The kind that you keep to yourself, so
nobody shows up to mess it up for you,
like they did before.
Liz scoffs and goes one way; Jenna scoffs and goes the otherway. Kenneth stands still, shaking, cant decide which oneto go after, his face turns red.
END OF ACT ONE
16.
KENNETH (CONT'D)
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ACT TWO
INT. THE MAIN HALLWAY - FRIDAY- DAY(PETE, KENNETH)
Pete crosses to Kenneths desk.
PETE
Kenneth, I hear that you have a good
memory. We need to challenge it.
KENNETH(cheery as usual)
Yes, Mr. Hornberger. I was the
brightest in my class and thats
saying a lot, considering the fact
that two of my classmates have their
own pig farms, which are going
bankrupt as we speak.
PETE(rolls his eyes)
Thats a promising start. OK, Im
sure you noticed that Tracy has been
acting weird in the past couple of
days.
KENNETH
I did. This morning he asked what
tweeter was and when I explained it
to him, he didnt understand that its
only for deaf people to communicate
with one another...(pauses to think, then)
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(MORE)
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...or maybe I said only deaf people
wouldnt know what it is -- I dont
remember it exactly, he really
confused me, too.
PETE
Just shut up and listen. I have to
find a way to fix him before tonights
show -- Do you remember anything
unusual when you picked up his
medication?
Kenneth closes his eyes and his flashback starts.
CUT TO:
INT. DRUG STORE - THREE DAYS EARLIER- DAY (FLASHBACK)
We see Kenneth picking up a bottle, putting it in his jacketpocket and leaving the store.
EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS (FLASHBACK)(KENNETH)
We see Kenneth walking down the street, then he stops,because he sees something shiny on the ground. He bends downto pick it up, one bottle from his left pocket and one fromhis right pocket fall out. He picks up the object first.
KENNETH(excited; to himself)
Wow! A lucky penny!
Then he picks up the bottles and puts them both in his leftpocket.
CUT BACK TO:
INT. THE MAIN HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS(PETE, KENNETH)
PETE(staring at Kenneth,impatient)
18.
KENNETH (CONT'D)
(MORE)
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Come on, Kenneth! Help me dilate
here!
Kenneth opens his eyes.
KENNETH
Im sorry, Mr. Hornberger. It was
just like any other day, only luckier.
PETE(giving up)
Ugh, you are useless.
KENNETH
Have a nice day, sir.(with his usual idioticsmile)
INT. JACKS OFFICE - FRIDAY- DAY(JACK, LIZ)
Liz enters.
JACK(with his back turned againstLiz)
Lemon?
LIZ
Yes?
JACK(turns around to face her)
I smelled that it was you.
LIZ
Did you want to see me, or did you
just want to smell the cool ranch?
19.
PETE (CONT'D)
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JACK
Two things. First: I want you here in
my office Monday morning. We have a
special photo shoot.
LIZ
Oh, really?
JACK
Second: The executives of the company
want me to make a decision as to
whether I stick with--
LIZ
I would definitely switch to democrat,
but its your business, your career--
JACK
...whether I stick with the show.
Should we renew it for two more
seasons or not--
LIZ
Oh, so its about me switching to
republican? Well, if thats what it
takes, I guess I could. Its my
career after all...(a beat to think)
Wait a second, no thanks. Im not
that desperate, everybody has other
options--(catches herself)
Or whatever...
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Jack gives her a suspicious look.
JACK
What other options, Lemon? I thought
we agreed that becoming a trophy wife
is not an option for you for two
reasons: trophy and wife.
LIZ
Jack, of course you will renew the
show, why are you even asking me?
JACK
Im not asking you, Im just sharing a
concern. The ratings of TGS have
been declining so bad that now its
sweeping the floors. I mean it
literally. This morning I saw two of
the TGS dancers sweeping the floors
before the Today show. There are
also more audience members suing the
show than ever.
LIZ
So, what do you want me to do? Keep
Tracy out of the audience?
JACK
Do something special tonight, make me
believe in you again.
Liz acts indifferent.
INT. HGN WITH JENNA MARONEYS SET - FRIDAY NIGHT(JENNA, MR. HARRIS, MAKEUP ARTIST)
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Jenna is in a mans costume, looking frustrated.
JENNA
I thought he was a girl now.
MR. HARRIS
Today is the surgery. We wanted to
show the transformation in the first
sketch.(sighs)
You didnt read the script, did you?
Bad girl, bad girl!
JENNA
I did read it. After this sketch Ill
play the girl, right?
MR. HARRIS
No, well do some flashback scenes
first.
Jenna sighs.
JENNA
We need to hurry up though, or Ill be
late for my last appearance on TGS.
Makeup artist approaches Jenna with black paint in her hand.
MAKEUP ARTIST
Are you ready for your makeup, Ms.
Maroney?
JENNA
I have my makeup on, thank you.
MR. HARRIS
But not enough to look black.
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JENNA
Is Michelle black?!
MR. HARRIS
No... but Michael was.
Jenna reacts.
INT. WRITERS ROOM- FRIDAY NIGHT(PETE, FRANK, LUTZ)
Liz, Jenna, Tracy, Pete and the writers are present. Thereis a pizza box on the table. Liz is sitting on one side ofthe table, Jenna is way down on the other, Frank is sittingin the middle and counting the change from the pizza order.
PETE
(standing)
That was the worst show ever! Whats
wrong with you people?!(to Liz)
You were late and hardly put any
effort into it all week.(to Jenna)
And you. Why did you try and bribe
the editor to enter highlights from
your past shows? Are you dying or
something?
FRANK(sotto to Lutz)
Man, he is really going at it with
them.
LUTZ(sotto to Frank)
Hes getting Brooke Shields onem. My
mom did the same thing after she had
my brother.
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PETE(to Tracy)
And you, Tracy! Thanks to you, well
probably have one more audience member
suing the show.
CUT TO:
INT. TGS WITH TRACY JORDANS AUDIENCE - EARLIER THAT NIGHT(FLASHBACK)(TRACY)
Tracy -- in A SCHOOL-GIRL COSTUME, holding A LUNCH BOX -- isin the face of A WHITE MOTHER who has HER HUSBAND on oneside, and THEIR DAUGHTER on the other. They all lookTERRIFIED!
TRACY(yelling)
Tell me, what kind of message are you
giving your daughter by laughing
during this sketch?! Dont you think
its disrespectful to me as a black
man, and also to MR. OBAMAS YOUNGER
DAUGHTER?!
CUT BACK TO:
INT. WRITERS ROOM- CONTINUOUS(PETE, FRANK)
Pete is in Tracys face.
PETE
Thats all I had to say.
He sits down, everybody remains silent. Frank finishescounting the change. He takes off his hat, which says BANKSR US and under that reveals ANOTHER HAT, which says THEONLY STAR.
Liz is staring at the money in his hands, and Jenna isstaring at the second hat and what it says; Frank noticesthem staring, and:
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FRANK
What the hell are you two looking at?
He puts his money in the second hat and places it on top ofthe first one (thats his wallet). With his hands and the
hat out of the way, Jenna and Liz eyes CATCH each other fromthe opposite side of the table. In a single second, theyboth realize what the other one is up to, they gasp and giveeach other I know what youre doing look.
INT. JONATHANS DESK - MONDAY MORNING(KENNETH, LIZ, JENNA)
Liz gets out of the elevator, crosses to Jonathans desk in ahurry. But he is not there, instead:
KENNETH
Good morning, Miss Lemon. How may I
assist you today?
LIZ
Kenneth, what are you doing here?
KENNETH
Covering the phones for Jonathan; he
went to audition for American Idol.
(off Liz look)
I told him that Simon Cowell is
racist, but he wouldnt listen.
LIZ
Well, so is Jack, but he let Jonathan
sing to him every time he fired him.
So, you really never know with
racists. Anyway, I need to see Jack,
its very urgent.
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KENNETH
Im sorry, Ms. Lemon, but Mr. Donaghy
is in a meeting. It should be over
shortly, please seat yourself.
Liz sits down, neither one of them speaks for a few seconds.Liz seems lost in thoughts, then:
LIZ
Kenneth, I wish I were simple and
innocent like you. Do you even know
what greed is?
KENNETH
Greed is an excessive desire to
acquire or possess more than one needs
or deserves, Miss Lemon.(a beat; then sings a partfromPet Shop Boys Its ASin)
Its a, its a, its a, its a sin,
its a sin.(off Liz look)
It all started with relaying Miss
Maroneys musical message to Mr.
Jordan, and now I cant stop it.(looks confused)
LIZ
I am in a sin... triple salary type of
sin.(sighs)
Money ruins everything, Kenneth.
That makes Kenneth stop and think for a beat, then:
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KENNETH
Even if its just a penny?
LIZ
Well... technically, yes. If it
wasnt supposed to be yours...
Kenneth closes his eyes, doesnt say anything.
LIZ (CONTD)(looking at Kenneth)
Thats how you do your flashbacks?
Kenneth opens his eyes.
KENNETH(finally realizes)
Now it all makes sense! I must go
talk to Mr. Hornberg! I know what
happened to Mr. Jordan! I mixed up
his medicine bottle with my vitamin
bottle!(off Liz look; informative)
They are farm made, with a surprise
orange juice center.
LIZ
So, then youve been taking his
medication?
KENNETH
No, of course not. When I saw Mr.
Jordans name on the label, I knew
right away that it wasnt mine, I just
couldnt figure out what happened to
my bottle until now.
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Liz, confused, takes that information in for a second, tryingto figure out how someone could be that stupid.
KENNETH (CONTD)(pointing to Jacks office ashe runs to the elevator)
Please tell Miss Maroney that I
searched the internet and there wasnt
a video of her in a hospital gown
either before or after that surgery
scene she was talking about -- unless,
she has a black sister-mister who
giggles just like her when she-he
hears a compliment.
LIZ(shocked; pointing to Jacksoffice)
Jenna is in--
Jacks door opens at the same time, and Jenna exits,straightening her hair and clothes.
JENNA(sexy; to Jack)
Im so glad we were able to talk
things out--
Liz gasps. Jenna sees Liz and gives her a I did what I hadto do look. Liz hurries up into Jacks office.
INT. JACKS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS(JACK, LIZ)
JACK
Jenna told me everything.
He gestures for her to sit and she does.
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LIZ
I know I messed it up big time, Im so
sorry, Jack.
JACK
What are you talking about, Lemon?
You did exactly what I needed you to
do.
LIZ
Huh?
JACK
The executives wanted me to shred some
salary, and they suggested getting rid
of you. I told them you were very
essential to the show, but they
wouldnt listen, so I came up with a
plan.
LIZ
It was you?!(shocked, jaw dropped)
JACK
Welcome to my photo shoot, Lemon!
Jonathan JUMPS from underneath Jacks desk with A CAMERA inhis hands and CLICK!, he takes a close-up of her face.
Then Jack grabs her by the shoulder, with his eyes wide openhe stares right into hers. His flashback starts.
CUT TO:
INT. RESTAURANT IL CAPELLO - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)(JACK, MR. HARRIS)
Jack is at the table with Mr. Harris. He pushes the scriptto Jack as we had seen earlier.
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JACK
Did they buy the penis story?
MR. HARRIS
Of course!
They both CRACK UP.
CUT BACK TO:
INT. JACKS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS(LIZ, JACK, JONATHAN)
Jack breaks the intense eye contact and lets go of her.
LIZ
I must admit that Kenneths way was
less creepy.
JACK
And I must thank you for keeping your
clothes on. You wouldnt believe the
amount of clothing Jenna can take off
in a single second when she sees a
camera.
Liz is still shocked and embarrassed.
JACK (CONTD)(to Jonathan)
You can go back to your desk now,
Jonathan.
Jonathan nods and crosses to the door, passing by Liz with asmirk on his face.
LIZ(to Jonathan)
Yeah, you may wanna answer the phones.
Jonathan opens the door and sees that Kenneth is gone.Phones are ringing.
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JONATHAN(squeals; then as he reachesfor the phone; re: Kenneth)
Ugh, Im gonna kill that worthless
penny!
Jack shuts the door.
LIZ
Back to your confession, Jack?
JACK
Simple. I needed you to step back and
let Pete run the show for one week.
And we both know the results, so do
the executives.
LIZ
But everything was so professionally
designed and executed, how did you
even come up with that idea?
JACK
Lemon, dont ever underestimate me. I
can sell used cars to Jews.(pauses to think; then)
And they would probably take them
apart and put the old parts in new
cars.
LIZ
Thats the Jew way of recycling and
protecting the environment I guess.
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JACK
Exactly. Thats why I dont buy new
cars from them. Some may say that Im
racist, but Im really not.
Liz reacts, changes the subject right away:
LIZ
So, my job is safe?
JACK
Well, I still need to decide whether
or not to renew the show for two more
years, but for now: yes.
LIZ
Wait a second, did they want Jenna
out, too?
JACK
No, no. It was something I added.
You know, just for the fun of it and
to make her feel special. I dont
even think the executives know that
shes on the show.
END OF ACT TWO
32.
8/3/2019 30 Rock-HGN With Jenna Maroney
34/34
TAG
INT. WRITERS ROOM- NEXT DAY(TRACY, DOT COM, GRIZZ)
The writers are present. Tracy enters with Grizz and Dot Com
behind him.
TRACY
Some idiot put this weeks script in
my box. What am I supposed to do with
it?! Wipe my butt... after I shove my
oral medication?!
Throws the script on the table. Cerie walks by, wearing more
conservative clothes than usual.
TRACY (CONTD)(to Cerie)
You need to be more selective with
what you wear. You look like a
grandma... and not in a hot way. Wear
something fleshier tomorrow.
DOT COM(not so enthusiastically toGrizz)
He is back.
GRIZZ
Yeah, we all are.
PAN to TWO FRAMED PICTURES on the wall, hung next to eachother. CLOSE on the first one: SHOCKED-LIZ with her jawdropped. Then we PAN to the next one: HALF-NAKED JENNA,smiling, and the picture is autographed; Love, Jenna.
FADE OUT.
THE END
33.