30 Minutes to Glory-Play

8/14/2019 30 Minutes to Glory-Play

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30 Minutes to Glory(Play)

Kris Price

[email protected]

Playwriting

Mr. Lynch


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Opening

(Stage Directions and opening of the curtain)

The curtains open and lights come on, only on stage right as two gentlemen well-dressedcome walking through the door into a writers room talking about the 30sec sketch they

need for tonight in a hour from now.

Danny(well dressed and the producer of the show, holding a script in his right hand)

Well Matt, what do you think?

Matt(Well, dressed and the head writer of the show, holding a tennis ball, and a bottle pills in

his pocket)

Think of what?

DannyThe script Im holding in my hand.

MattOh that script, I think its crap, theres nothing in there, I like that I wrote.

Danny(as Danny is showing matt the script)

Their some good stuff in here like what about the Harry mason sketch, or the bush

jeopardy one.

Matt(as he looks at the script)

I dont like bush because hes be coming repetitive and Harry mason sounds like Harry

and the Hendersons only with the last name mason, what are we the free masons or the

masons that build crap. Im just going to have to start over.

Danny(gives a stern look at matt)

Well I need something.

(Stage Directions Continued)As, the two men continue talking the lights stay on them, as stage left has a half roundtable with laptops, food, drinks, papers, and etc. with four writers just sitting their in the

dark and behind them is a bar with water and drinks, and etc on it as well.

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Matt(starts playing with the tennis ball)

Yeah, yeah.

Danny

Its Wednesday night and I need something to give the department heads now, I need tolet V.F.X, camera dept, props, and other depts. Know what they need, I need this done in

a half hour from now.

MattIll get it.

DannySo what do you have?

MattSome stuff, Ive been working on, as well as john, and jack, and the other guys.

DannyGood, so all I need is a 30sec sketch

MattWhat are you my mother?

DannyCan I help you?

(kind of angered)

MattNot particularly, No

(looking happy)

DannyOk.

MattOk, so

DannyFine.

Whatever make sure to use the other talent in the room as well, theres some good stuff in

here.

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MattWill see about that, Ill just tell them it sucked, and will start over.

DannyMatt!

MattYeah.

DannySo, go over there and start writing, and talk to them, and see what you can come up with.

(as he starts hitting the script against his leg)

MattOkay, will have something for you.

DannyYou dont have much time.

MattYes, heard you, Im going now okay.

(starts to walk to the table)

Danny(as he turns to walk back to the door, still hitting the script against his leg)

Oh and Matt, lay off the alcohol a little bit will you.

MattGot it.

Danny(as hes almost through the door exiting, and hitting the script on his leg, he looks back)

And one more thing have a good time, and Ill see you after, alright.

MattYou too.

Why dont you just leave me alone and go produce something?

(Saying it sarcastically)

DannyLater.

(he exits through the door)

Stage Direction(danny has left and matt stops before he gets to the table, lights go just on him, and the

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table is still dark with the other writers still their)

Matt(he stops before the table, puts the tennis ball in his pocket, and takes a bottle of pills

from the other pocket, and takes out two capsules, and swallows them)

Better,(Sighs) huh,(pause) okay.

Stage Direction(as matt starts walking towards the table you hear them all start to talk and all the lights

come on and light up the room and matt starts to speak.)

Matt(as gets to the table he stands behind the chair before he sits down he speaks)

So, did you guys ever see the show where all of the writers got fired because they

couldnt write well?

(as he looks at the all the writers)

John(the assistant writer, and hes wearing a collard shirt and is very clean cut, sitting closest

to matt)

So, I take it, you didnt like any of the sketches that we wrote.

MattCorrect. As you know this couldnt come at a worse possible time for you guys to suck at

this. When I read this it seemed like all lot of much to do about nothing. So, we are goingto start over and make this better.

Tom(Political guy who is wearing a shirt that says Politics is for writers, older, and kind of

an eccentric, and witty, sitting next to Sammy who is on his right and jack who is on his

left at the end of the table.)What?

John(looking at matt, and the rest)

He didnt like it, so lets move on.

Sammy(Brit chic mid 20s, wearing a shirt that says Brits rule, sitting between tom and john)Okay, but wait, I thought harry the mason was funny.

TomI thought the Bush vs. jeopardy sketch was good too.

Jack

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(the last guy at the end of the table, new about mid 20s, looks at the others and then at

matt)

Yeah the last two, were good, but I thought what sold it was the sketch on the Dali lamatries to convert our new president to priest hood.

Matt(still standing, looks at them in response)

What is this lifetime TV, Where we watch a lovie, dovie, hallmark movie.

This is sketch comedy guys, come on.

JackWhat do you mean?

MattWhat do you mean, what do I mean. Jack.

(looks at john)

JohnThey werent good. So

MattSo, let me see if I can say this another way, did you ever see that soap opera show called

as the world turns, you know the hour glass when you flip it over and the sand starts

draining out of the top, and slowly takes time to fill up the bottom, those sketches are like

that, good ideas, and some stuff jumped off the page but I and we dont have the time tomake them better, got it.

JackYeah..

MattAlright,

Now after having said all that, lets get to it.

JohnIts about time.

SammyOh goodie..

Stage Directions(Matt comes around the chair and sits down finally, and the others start grabbing

newspapers to look for new stuff or search the web, it goes quite for like 25secs or so..)

Matt

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(Then Matt looks at everybody and starts to talk)

Alright, so were going to go around the room and see what else you guys have to see

what works and what doesnt, okay john your up, what do you have.

John

I got Harry Carrey interviewing Obama..

MattOk, so what happens in this interview?

JohnHe sits down and asks what does the word change mean to obama.

MattWhat is this 60minutes sit down interview time?

JohnYeah, so

MattWell, go on.

JohnSo, basically what happens through the interview is obama becomes different, hes not

the little schoolboy, he goes gangster or something like that, thats what I have.

MattInteresting, I would have thought better but, will see, so lets keep going and see what

else. Continue working john.

JohnYep.

MattKeep on with the chimm music,

Sammy.

Sammy(she looks at Matt with attitude)

I want to create a sketch of a woman who buzzes, every time a man pokes at this woman.

Shell loose her dignity or education or arm or whatever, shes a cheeky bastard, and youdam guys should recognize that. Matt

Matt

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Thanks, for the sediment, understood. Not a bad sketch Sammy.

TomI love when she talks dirty British, or about feminism.

SammyI bet you do.

TomYou know it. Well you could always go back to writing some Monty python.

(as he looks into Sammys eyes intently, and smirks.)

MattJust Stop.

(as he looks at both of them)

TomMatt?

MattIm just frustrated. (as he runs his hands over his face, and pulls out his tennis ball)

Im thinking. How about a fight to be acceptable for a competition between each other tosale. Building the pay off, something to root for, maybe mix them with Jesus the

moderator in the political Hollywood sense against a Hollywood libertarian. Maybe each

character comes up with some of the part.

JohnWhat?

Stage Directions(Tom is looking at a political paper, saying stuff to him self, also Jack gets up out of hischair and goes to the bar to get water, and kind of paces while hes listening to the others

talk)

MattI dont know, something like that,(as hes not really paying any attention the group and

throwing the tennis ball up in the air) anyway lets hear what youve got Tom.

Tom(as he puts the newspaper down)

Stupid crack war, liberal war of the dog types.

Matt(as he turns his chair towards the group)

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What?

TomSorry, anyway I was reading in the news, about some small ass Italian town, that a priest

was poor getting ready to loose his church when, he thought he should put on a beauty

pageant, just seeing a whole bunch of nuns trying to be pretty is funny. Anyhow I gotnothing on spoon fed obama, and old country first mccain, besides us Hollywood liberals,

are nothing but a group of merry models of a Christian charity group who makes fun of

them minus the dam Brit.

SammyShut up you stupid bloke.

(as she gives a smirk back to Tom)

TomKiss my Henry Kissenger ass you Benny Hill lovin Brit.

MattHey enough already, shut up the both of you, and lets keep going.

Sammy(looks at tom)

Wanker.

TomI know you would like to see mine.

(Sammy looks at him, while he says this and smiles sarcastically)

MattEnough, this like the song so I want to marry my stalker only youre the stalker you two

bit hack boy. Can we continue?

(still playing with his tennis ball, as Jack laughs)

SammySure.

(smirky laugh)

Tom

Whatever.(rolls eyes)

Matt(holding the tennis ball, with his left hand and with his right points at jack and says)

Ok, what you got their jack in the box.

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Jack

(black mid 20s kind of new, clean cut, and kind of quiet, and political as well.)Thanks, for the frat humor.

(leaning up against the bar, sips his water from the bottle)

MattWhats your sketch?

JackHey what are we having to eat Matty.

MattNothing, until we finish this.

JackIm thinking some fried chicken and some grape soda.

MattWhats with you in food, its like Im living a Roger Corman film called revenge of the

hacks. Okay smart-ass what do you have.

JackWhat the hell, yeah thanks for nothing you hypocritical bastard. Anyway, Gary Poppins. Ido have a sketch, its a black militant who is scared of white hillbilly folk, hes like Tupac

with the attitude of Malcolm X. His whole point is to make fun of white folk.

MattWell, thats great. (with a smiley smirk)

A black militant, what the hell are we talking about, it sounds like it should be a fruit ofthe loom commercial for the kkk. Will see.

SammySounds like a real winner in my book. (laughs)

Sorry .

(in a sarcastic voice as she smiles)

JackI think so, only because I dont see enough black sketches for this program, being that I

am the only black writer in this room. I think there is stuff here that we can talk about.(and sips some more of his water and then goes and sits at his seat.)

Matt

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I agree, moving on. Anyone else got stuff. While I have been going around the room with

what seems like an eternity of re-runs from a bunch of ill-conceived children.

JohnI think, maybe I have something, you wanna hear it.

(as he looks at matt)

MattYeah John go ahead and shoot.

JohnI found something I think is pretty good, or maybe we could add it. Well, Im not sure but

its some news comedy del art-isc. Like its a joke based on some news things Ive heard

about the notorious bradgelina couple. Okay Brad and Angelina as you know love to

adopt, more her of course and how she wants to build a dam orphanage to save all thechildren of the world of course except ours. But if she keeps going that way, shell end up

with a collection, hell she might as well just collect those dam spoons or mugs you getfrom the different countries she visits. Shes becoming an over sexed crazed whore with a

head of cabbage with these kids. Theirs a sketch here we just got a find it. Also, in other

news I have found cell phone use causes low sperm count, and like a comedy of errorswith those dam under age Chinese gymnast, its like a freakin day care.

MattNote worthy of course, I think you can find something their, so we can get ready for

dress. Matter of fact make sure when I come back we can go again and see what you

have.(As he gets out of his seat and turns around the chair and leans on the back of it.)

TomThese sketches just keep becoming more like intellectual reach arounds, dont they.

SammyThey do indeed, dont they.

Jack

So,Where you off to Matt.

MattTo go and do some other stuff, when I get back you should have more sketches or not, I

hope.

John

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So, this means we will keep going.

MattLook who just caught up? Yes.

JohnGot it.

MattIm going now, so write something, and Im going to leave you in a slow-motioned rant

of suspended terror of unpredictability. Okay.

(He turns away from the chair, and starts walking towards the door and takes out histennis ball, and his pills, take some pills without anyone knowing and then looks back at

them, then exits the door.)

SammyWell that went.

JackOf course it did, I thought my stuff was better then the last round.

JohnWell you thought wrong.

TomYeah, know shit, its not like any of us who have been here longer then you did any better

anyway.

JohnI wonder what went wrong.

(as he gets up to get a drink)

SammyHow about all the sketches we gave.

TomNot with the sketches, the sketches seemed fine, I meant with matt.

John(as he sips some water)

I dont know he hasnt really been fine this week, and of course tonight being the nightbefore the show.

Tom

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Hell come through, he always does.

JackWhat do you mean?

JohnHe always comes in here pissed and we end of giving him stuff, and he turns it down, he

comes in again refreshed with whatever he does, we pitch him, and he comes up with the

rest on his own and were fine for the show.(as he sits back down with the bottle of water in hands and sits at his table, getting ready

to look at his laptop.)

JackThats all fine and dandy but he was acting like a Machiavellian communist.

TomSometimes, he can do that, you just have to get passed his exterior approach, and see that

were here because were here and he knows were good writers, we just have to prove it

from time to time. Hell my first sketch didnt get on the air until I was here for almost a 6months.

JohnYeah, I remember that something about a bush trying to play saxophone to a bunch of

poor kids from Asia, and the kids thinking it was amazing he even knew what one was.

TomYeah, I almost forgot about that.

JohnGreat irony between bush and Clinton.

TomI thought so.

(as he gets out of his chair and walks up stage in front of the table where Sammy is nowstanding.)

Sammy

So, what are you doing over here?

Stage Directions(Jack and John are now sitting next to each other, looking at stuff they can come up with,

before matt comes back. And tom and Sammy are standing in front of the table facing the

audience talking. And the lights fade on jack and john, and only stay on for tom and

Sammy.)

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TomI first came over to say hi, and then say, I was just kidding about the jokes I had told you

earlier.

Sammy

Well hi, and to the second question no you werent.

TomYeah, youre right. I just wanted to how your sketch was coming along, the other one.

(as he looks at her)

Sammy(looking back at him says)

Oh, yeah you mean where the mime trys to tell a story in a caf about a group of

individuals that go through time with this dead jester that died accidentally right.

TomYeah, that one. I hope to see Henry the fifth, and Benny hill, and queen Elizabeth in the

sketch as well.

SammyWhats yours about?

TomIts about a perfume wearing political guy and his pig that wears lipstick parading around

as a married couple trying to become our next leaders of America. The catch is that a

douche named obama, and a tird sandwich played by McCain get beat out during theirpreliminary speeches while talking about how a man cant marry an animal. But that the

people really like it, and since the pig can talk, people found it cute and elected them

anyway.

SammyYour American humor is weird but I kind of like it.

TomOh yeah.

SammyYeah.

TomWell, theirs this award ceremony honoring me for my political work Ive done in the past.

Its like next Wednesday or something do you want to be my date.

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SammySure, why not it sounds fun.

TomGood. Lets go talk more over by the bar.

SammyOkay, but try not to talk about politics.

TomThats why I write. I freakin love government stupidity like gas, housing and or

economics. You gotta love it.

SammyLovely. I come to America to be a comedy writer and I end up with Henry Kissenger.

TomMy hero.

(saying it sarcastically)

Stage Directions(they both go to the bar, and the light dims on them, and then the light opens up on jack

and john sitting next to each other talking about the next sketches their going to pitch

matt)

Jack

(as jack is looking at the laptop)Well, what are you going to pitch this time john?

John(looking at the newspaper and then puts it down)

Im not sure yet, but maybe two guys in a room that have both been doing drugs.

JackI think, that will be pretty good.

JohnWhat about you?

JackI think, Im going to keep the black militant, but change the outcome and the story a little

bit.

John

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Like what?

JackWell, I was thinking a black guy dressed up as a kkk member goes to one of their,

meetings with the intent to change the members about how they feel about black people

and try to educate them, only what happens is that the white members think hes suspectand take off his hat, find out hes black, and instead of hanging him, they think its a good

idea and suddenly he becomes our president completely backed by the white folk.

(turning and looking and john while he says it)

John(faces him while he continues to talk)

Thats interesting; I thought the other one was pretty good as well.

JackI think I should stick with what I got and just make it better you know.

JohnYeah, your right. Although sometimes you got just start over, you know what I mean.

JackYeah, but I like sticking with my guns, unless its complete crap, then yeah, but its good,

hell like it too.

JohnYeah he will, I like your intuitiveness.

JackThanks, so what about your idea.

JohnWell, Im kind of old school.

JackLike.

John

You know those dont do drug, campaigns.

JackYeah, I hated those.

JackWell, like I said its about these two guys in a room, one is young, and one is old. The

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young one is taking drugs and wants to kill himself, and the old guy wants to look young.

The catch is that theyre the same person. Whats happens that I think is so sinister about

it, is that they have 2minutes to talk each other out of their situation only the older onedoesnt talk, until the end. At the end the old guy says you have made the wrong choice

and a chicken walks in a kills both of them, because theyre both stupid.

JackInteresting, with the end, its random, but I think its does it justice.

JohnYeah, its a lot of straight talk, but I think the audience will get the idea.

JackNot as funny as your brad-gelina thing, but I could see it.

JohnSometimes serious is comedy; you just have to know where to look.

JackTrue, so when do you think Matt is coming back.

JohnHopefully soon.

Stage Directions

(as they look around, and Sammy and Tom come back from the bar, and sit down andstart to talk to the other guys.)

SammySo, what have you to blokes been talking about?

JohnNot much.

JackA lot of things, mostly about you and Tom.

SammyVery funny.

TomAwesome, Im looking forward to hearing this.

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JohnNo,

your not.

Tom

True.

SammySo, what do you think Matts up too.

John(gets up out of his chair and goes and gets a drink)

Probably something. Maybe nothing. Im not his mom.

TomThank god for that.

JackSo, did anyone come up with any good stuff?

SammyYeah, I think what I have is good.

TomYeah me too!

JackYeah, well see when the man walks back in.

Stage Directions(Matt returns coming through the door, and starts to talk to the guys.)

MattSo,

What have you guys been doing since I have been gone.

(as he walks near the chairs next to the table playing with the tennis ball)

TomOh, you know the usual talking smack about you, and writing better sketches, and

teaching Sammy how to play whos on first.

SammyYeah, should hear some of the new stuff its great.

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MattI bet, so John hows your sketch, coming along.

JohnGood, so what did your better half have to say.

MattOh, the other Marx brother, the usual get it done, so I have something to work with, and I

worked more on my own stuff.

JohnOkay.

MattGood, I hope these are better then the last ones, and also were almost ready for dress, solets hand me your sketches and get out, so I can look at them, and put my input in it, and

then all see you guys out their.

JackCool, I think youll like mine.

MattI hope so. Anyway Tom would you stop undressing Sammy with your eyes please.

Tom(staring at Sammy intently)

Yeah, yeah.

MattWe all know you like her already, it bodes well that you think with that melon three feet

above your ass instead. And you use it to write instead of hitting on a women, whosfrankly a better writer then you.

TomGot it.

SammyYeah, what he said.

TomOh shut it.

SammyThank you.

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(as she smiles sarcastically)

JohnOh, would you two stop.

MattThanks, John, you guys are giving me a headache. So, can I get those papers from you

please? Thanks

Stage Directions(they all get up, except john that is already standing, and they gather there material andpapers from the desk, and each individually hand matt their sketches, and then exit.)

JackHeres my sketch, I think youll like it, yeah.

(he gets his stuff hands matt a paper, and then exits the door.)

TomHere you go Matty, this is some good shit, I hope you like it and Ill see you out their

with Danny.

(as he hands matt the sketch and exits)

MattYeah, Tom Ill see you, Sammy.

(as he looks at Sammy)

SammyHere you go Matt, I like this one, so be gentle will you, and Ill see you later.

(as she gets her stuff, and hands matt the sketch and then exits.)

MattAlright, Ill see you out there.

(as he looks at Sammy as she exits)

SammyBye.

Stage Directions(Matt looks at Sammy as she exits, and then gets all the papers in his hands and goes and

sits down and the far right chair, farthest from the door. Meanwhile John is still there andhes standing and drinking his water when he says.)

JohnSo, what did Danny really say Matt.

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MattOh you know John, this is our second to last show this season anyway, and I dont know

where we are going to be next, let alone the other writers in this room.

JohnWell, theyre all good writers Matt.

MattI know john, so we will just to have to wait and see whats up for next year.

JohnSo, I have my material and I think its good.

MattYeah, I know it is.

John

So, why do you give us a hard time?

MattI just want to make sure you understand and to write well.

JohnDo you think youll have your material done soon?

MattYeah, youre talking to 24-hour material here. I dont know whats going to happen

tomorrow but it will get done.

JohnWell, its been good working with you tonight, and Ill see you tomorrow for revisions.

MattIm sure there will be some.

JohnYeah, well have a good night, and Ill see you after dress.

(he takes a sip of water, gathers his stuff, and sets down his sketch on the table, and starts

to leave.)

MattThanks, John.

(as he reaches across the table to grab his sheet with the sketch on it.)

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JohnYou, know it, well ill catch you later.

Matt

Yeah of course you will you two bit hack.

JohnAlright, Matt.

(starts to laugh as he leaves, and shakes his head.)

MattYeah.

(as he shakes his head, and then puts his hands of his face, and breathes hard, and then

starts to grab the papers in front of them.)

MattWhat, am I going to with these?

(as he is talking to himself.)

Stage Directions(He puts the papers down after looking at them for about 5 seconds or so, then sets down

the tennis ball at the table, then takes out a pill bottle from his pocket, and takes some

pills.)

Matt

Ah, thats better.(after he takes them, he sits the pill bottle down, and then starts to fall asleep at the tableand the lights fade to black.)

Stage Directions(everything from the table disappears except the tennis ball, and the bottle of pills matt

has on the table, as if he had been dreaming this the entire time, and the lights come up,

and Danny comes walking in.)

DannyMatt, Matt, what are you doing here, I have been looking for you all over the place.

(as he starts walking to the chairs and then stops.)

MattAh, what, what do you need Danny.

(as he lifts head, and wipes his face with his hands. Because he has been sleeping a

while.)

Danny

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Nothing, what are you doing here anyway?

MattI thought I would come back and visit, where we use to work.

DannyYeah, I dont miss place one bit.

MattOh, come on, you know you like it, this is where we got are start.

DannyYeah, I know. We have to go, cause we work in the other studio next door now, and we

have to meet our new writers.

MattYeah, I know. Remember the show we used to write for called 30 minutes to glory.

(looking at Danny while he says it.

Danny(as he gets a water from the bar.)

Yeah, how could I forget theyre where a lot of good times spent in this room, but wewere only here for two years? And they shut us down after the second year anyway and

now were working a new show now.

Matt

I wonder what ever happened to those guys that used to work with us.

DannyLike who?

MattYou know, like Tom, John, Jack, or Sammy.

(as he plays with his tennis ball.)

DannyWell, if I remember right, Tom and Sammy got married and work for the New York

Times, and Jack works for another studio, and John writes screenplays for Warner.

MattYeah, so where does that leave us.

DannyJust with another show to start over with, thats all.

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MattI know.

(as he gets up out of his seat and goes next to Danny at the Bar)

DannyWell, are you ready then?

MattYeah, lets go, their were good writers here your know.

DannyVery true.

(as Danny starts to walk towards the door.)

Stage Directions(Matt and Danny start walking towards the door, and the lights dim a little bit, and the

song from Queen under pressure starts to play softly)

MattThat must be the theme song, for them to start.

(as he stops before the door, and looks at Danny)

DannyYeah, it must be, and you need to stop with the pills, this next group of writers will be

good, if you stop this crap, and you can focus better.(as he stops by the door, and looks at matt.)

MattYeah, I will, you know I think your right about the next group of writers, or maybe not.

DannyI have confidence in you; youll make them better the last ones.

MattTrue, so you think theyll make a sequel, maybe theyll call it 60minutes of comedy.

(as he motions his hands in the air to what hes saying.)

DannyTo this, no.

MattYeah, youre probably right, sequels suck anyways.

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DannySo, are we going or what.

Matt

Yeah, just give me a sec.

DannyK.

(as he exits, and looks back at Matt)

MattThis was a good room.

(as he looks at the room, and the chairs, and turns to the wall next to the door, and turns

off the light, glances back one last time and then exits.)

Stage Directions(Danny off stage yells come on matt, and then while the song is still playing it gets

louder and continues to play as the lights go completely black.)

Curtains Close

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30 Minutes to Glory-Play