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A Novel Inverse by Bridget Kaitlin
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3
Weeks
In
A Novel in Verse by Bridget Maloney
~PART ONE~ Kaitlin
This Is Not A Diary
This is not a diary.
That’s what you told me when you handed me it that Friday afternoon.
It was my birthday.
John and Carol
didn’t remember.
No one remembered.
You handed it to me and smiled,
and I was confused.
What is this?
I asked.
This is not a diary.
It’s to write,
whatever you want
you said.
You said a lot of things like,
“I’ll never leave you.”
“You’re my best friend...”
Yet here I sit.
Alone.
In this uncomfortable
airport
chair.
I was too late. I remember yesterday when you told me you were moving.
I just stared at you.
After awhile you left.
I threw this book into my mirror.
That was the last time I talked to you.
You told me yesterday your flight was today.
3:00 sharp.
And that you wanted me there,
more than anything.
Guess we don’t always get what we want...
Do we?
But then I realized I may never see you again,
So I came.
But I was too late.
You’re gone.
This is not a diary.
First Day Without You
I’m lame.
Yup.
Today, I walked downstairs
it was ten AM.
And Carol,
she told me to go
“do something”...
Like what!
You and me,
we used to eat breakfast together on Sundays.
At Ronnie’s.
My heart hurt.
“Go hang out with Erica or something!”,
she shouted.
My heart hurt.
School On Monday
Alone.
In gym,
at lunch,
in English,
on the walk home,
in my heart...
Alone.
I figured this would get easier,
but it’s getting harder.
They Ask Of You
Where’s Erica?
How’s Erica?
Have you talked to Erica?
How is everything
still
about
you.
Even though you’re gone?
3 Weeks In
I wrote a song.
Yup.
That thing where you write the lyrics and music.
And sing it.
It’s not done yet,
I’m three weeks in.
Memories
Remember when we went to the bronx zoo?
Third grade.
Backtrack,
rewind.
It was the second week of school,
and Mrs. S made you sit next to me
I remember your face…
Giggly,
wide eyed…
I’d never seen someone so happy
I was used to the stone
cold
looks my foster parents always gave me.
When I messed up…
which was often.
I took out my sticky notes.
Hi!
My name’s Kaitlin.
And slipped it under your notebook.
Hope and happiness flickered in your eyes as you nonchalauntly opened
the note.
You smiled and scribbled back quickly.
I still have it.
I really really miss you.
Like,
a lot.
Weird
Wanna know something weird?
Josh winked at me today.
Something else?
He’s loved you forever,
and you never even gave him the time of day.
Something else?
I think I may like Josh.
4 Months In
4 months
since you’ve been gone
122 days…
or something like that.
100 phone calls.
300 texts.
36 letters.
80 tweets.
3 million
22 thousand
900 and 99 TONS
of pain in my heart.
Another Encounter
He asked me for coffee.
That sweet
rich
liquid
that I despise.
The Song
If I could sail across the ocean,
if I could fly across the sky,
I’d be there in no time at all…
If I could write a song that’d make it go away,
my hand would hit the paper as fast
as
light.
And I’ll be there,
always.
Together
So I think Ray and I are,
like,
together,
or something.
I mean,
he holds my hand in the hallways
and stuff.
And hugs me,
but,
something still doesn’t feel right.
He hasn’t kissed me,
and it’s been 3 weeks in.
Pants On Fire
I’m a liar.
Ray came in my room today for the first time.
He was a gentleman.
Except,
for the part when,
he opened my journal.
This one,
with the yorkies on the front.
So exposed.
My boyfriend
raped
my journal.
He found the song
I wrote especially for you.
Remember?
3
weeks
in.
Anyway,
he said,
quote,
Wow, whoever you wrote this for is a very lucky guy.
End quote.
And you know how I’m always
cool
calm
collected?
Well my
big
fat
mouth
opened up and told him
“It’s for you!”
So now,
not only am I a liar,
it’s 4 weeks in our relationship
we haven’t even kissed
and I just told him I wrote a song for him saying that I’d do anything
for him.
He replied,
“Oh… cool…”
Is this as awful as it seems?
I know you’d know the answer.
All Alone In The Moonlight
Josh took me dancing on Saturday
and a slow song came on.
Memories,
all alone in the moonlight.
Memories flood through my brain.
I remember when you and I saw “Cats” on Broadway
and after, we went to that restaurant,
where those waiters and waitresses were all like
singing
and dancing on tables.
Wow.
The way I described that made it seem like a low class strip club.
Apologies.
All this floods back to me as we were dancing.
Us shopping in Sax,
even though we couldn’t even afford a shopping bag there!
We were 14.
So,
we ditched Sax and ran into the American Girl Doll Store.
I’m smiling just thinking about it.
I was with Josh
and
something felt
right.
I haven’t felt like that...
Since you’ve been gone.
And They Keep Going
8 months since you’ve been gone.
You’ve stopped calling.
Am I doing the right thing by not talking to you?
And if so,
for who?...
Me?
You?
Us?
No one…
Tell me what to do!
I want my mom.
But she gave me up.
She left me.
Like you did.
It’s Your Party And I’ll Cry If I Want To
It’s your 16th birthday.
You called.
I didn’t know it was you,
it was a different number.
So,
I answered the phone.
“Hello?”
“Kaitlin? Kaitlin! Is that you!?”
My heart raced a mile a minute
and my throat dried up like a grape baking in the sun.
Raisin baking in the sun?
But doesn’t it become a raisin after…
Never mind.
“Kaitlin oh my god!”
I hung up the phone in an instant.
You didn’t call back.
You knew.
First Kisses
Carnival music blaring in the background.
He watched me silently.
Eating that funnel cake.
It was really good.
He brushed my bang out of my face
like a movie scene.
I looked up innocently with powdered sugar
splattered on my cheek.
He brushed his lip against it.
And chills went down my spine.
Cheesy huh?
I know.
All this writing is going to my head.
Everything was in slow motion.
His lips gliding to match mine
them finally touching.
And then,
everything sped up.
He grabbed the back of my head and all else went silent.
My shoulders slumped down and for once
I surrendered.
Just a little.
Feel The Burn
My cheeks were actually
beginning to burn
from smiling.
Is that possible?
I don’t remember the last time I had so much fun…
Who am I kidding,
of course I do.
It was Halloween two years ago,
I stayed over your house
We ate licorice,
put on funny wigs,
and then went to Chilis.
We made
complete
fools of ourselves.
Completely.
We threw soap at each other in the bathroom
And then at a woman when she walked in..
I still remember her expression yet,
she didn’t breathe a word.
Dear Journal
Dear Journal,
with the puppies on the front.
Am I doing the right thing?
By not contacting you…
well not you journal
but you,
Erica.
Because its been over a year since you’ve been gone
and I miss you
more and more each day
as I grow older.
It’s my 16th birthday today.
And you didn’t call.
If you’re going to move on,
I will too.
Moving On
When he was kissing me,
he knocked the journal off the bed.
The one with the two yorkies on the front.
I would usually scream
and go get it.
But this time I didn’t.
I just let him kiss me.
Leaving those yorkies,
far behind.
Ezekiel Saw The Wheel
Do you remember when you used to talk to me for hours about
Jonothan McArthy?
It was eighth grade and you were in LOVE with him!
I would always laugh and make fun of his pimple face…
Sorry.
Sorry Jonothan.
I think I really hurt you though.
I mean,
it’s just a stupid eighth grade boy
but not back then he wasn’t…
I joined chorus today.
It sucks.
Bad.
Laurie
Laurie.
Laurie who talked to Josh in P.E. this morning.
“Oh Josh, is this how you throw a football?”
He
ate
it
up.
Boys.
Do you remember Laaauuuurrriiieee?
You know Lauuuuuurrrriiiieee
with the blonde hair
and the big
fake…
you remember.
No way I’m gonna lose something else.
Not after you.
And He Squealed Like A Pig
We were kissing in my room.
He took off his shirt
revealing
tan
abs.
Erica,
you have NO idea what you missed out on.
I pulled him closer
“Wow.”
he muttered.
“I am so glad Erica told me to go for you!
I mean,
I was so in love with her.
Who knew trying to move on would bring me to something
almost
as good as her.”
Almost?
Almost.
I pushed his muscles off of me.
He looked confused.
Kind of like Lauuuurriieee
Get.
Out.
27
27 texts.
13 calls
Since 3 days ago
When he muttered those terrible words.
You may be gone Er,
but you’re still here.
Done
I’m not mad.
I actually miss you more than ever.
I’m sitting here staring out the window.
I don’t have my parents,
I don’t have Josh
and I don’t have you.
I’m not pretty.
I don’t have good grades.
You were the only thing that kept me going
why I wanted to go to school.
Well not really wanted
per say
but
tolerated.
I love you.
Don’t get weirded out.
I love you as a sister
and I really wish you were here.
God all these memories come back to me!
We used to do EVERYTHING together!
How could you leave
how could you go to that school
HOW COULD YOU!
I’m done.
Done with this notebook that doesn’t mean ANYTHING!
Doesn’t mean anything like I didn’t mean anything to you.
I hate you.
I HATE you you know that?!
All this time
all this time I’ve been grieving over you
missing you
needing you
I really am stupid.
I am done.
Today’s my 18th birthday.
John and Carol couldn’t get rid of me fast enough.
Well I for one am going to celebrate.
I’m done.
~PART TWO~ Erica
Phone Calls
My phone vibrated.
“Hello?”
I am on a train in London.
“Yes hello is this,
uh,
a miss,
Erica Gold?”
The voice sounded like a telemarketer.
“This is she”,
I reply.
I rummage through my purse for the square paper train ticket.
The man on the phone mumbled a few things as I gave the conductor
my ticket. “Excuse me what?”
I said,
finally paying attention.
“Do you know a young girl by the name of Kaitlin..... Scambia?”
I was puzzled.
Why was a man calling me about Kaitlin?
“Yes I do... What is this about?”
Long pause.
“Erica, your friend is in the hospital.”
Hospital BedsI stare down at her.
She looked broken.
Bruises lined her face.
A 5 inch gash across her forehead was stitched up.
Her lip was red and puffy.
Her eye was black and blue.
“God Kaitlin what did you get yourself into?”
I murmured, studying her cuts.
“You must be Erica.”,
an African nurse said walking in.
I wiped the tear from my eye.
“Yes, I am, please tell me you’re here to tell me some good news?
What happened to my best friend?”
The nurse moved the covers up over Kaitlin’s shoulders.
A huge burn was there.
The nurse sighed,
“Looks like your friend here was driving under the influence of alcohol,
drove right into a truck and flipped the car over.”
I blocked the image from my mind.
Kaitlin?
Alcohol?
What had she been up to while I was gone.
“Oh god,” I began.
“Oh god, have you talked to her foster parents? John and Carol Meyer”
“Your friend is 18,
her foster parents are no longer responsible for her.”
“Well I’d like to cover all bills if you don’t mind” I said to the nurse.
She nodded.
“She’s unresponsive right now.” the nurse said
picking up a blue candy wrapper on the floor.
Oops.
“Was anyone else here?”
“Yes a young man was here earlier,
very upset.”
Who could it be? A boyfriend?
“Oh now you just hang on one minute love,
the firefighters rescued something after the crash…
A journal. It was in the victims hand bag.
Too bad we couldn’t save the cell phone.
I’m sure that’d be more use to an 18 year old!”
The woman laughed and handed me a journal,
burnt to the crisp.
Through the ashes,
I could see
two
yorkies.
The Journal
I read it word for word.
Her song,
her relationship with Josh...
That explains the young man visiting her.
I read that they broke up,
because of me.
My heart aches.
Never would I have said for Josh to go for her jut because I was leav-
ing!
I only meant that she was such a great girl…
None of that matters now.
Then I read the last entry.
It was dated two days ago,
the day of the crash.
Kaitlin’s 18th birthday.
She said she hated me.
I’ve never even heard that word come out of her mouth in my life.
No matter how much she should hate people.
I felt nauseous;
dizzy.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I’m so sorry.”
I repeated it over and over again until I fell into slumber.
Awakening
I woke up.
The nurse was coming in to check on Kaitlin,
the same one as last night.
“Good morning sleepy head” she said.
I was so tired.
“What time is it?” I murmured
rubbing my eyes.
“Well,”
she said
“I’m assuming that you’re not from around here because,
it is 2 AM sweetie!”
It’s 7 back in London.
“How is she doing?”
I asked getting up.
“We won’t know ‘till morning.”
She left the room without breathing another word.
I pull my chair over toward Kaitlin.
I stroked her tangled hair.
I’ve never seen her have a bad hair day you know.
“Wake up Kaitlin,
please.”
My eyes were beginning to tear.
Why did I leave her?
Make her stay here.
Alone.
Just then,
her eyes began to open as if she was awaking from hibernation.
She took a good long look at me.
“Kaitlin! Oh my gosh you’re awake! I read the journal I am so sorry are
you all right my god I can’t believe this happened how could I leave you!
Nurse! Nurse!” Her eyes were open now.
“Oh no,”
she muttered softly.
“Oh no?!
What’s wrong
does something hurt?!
Can I get you something?!”
She shook her head.
“I must be dead.”
ReunionI laughed.
I was crying now.
“Sweetheart you’re not dead!
It’s me!
Erica!
I’m here honey you got in a car crash I am so sorry I wasn’t there!”
She grabbed me and pulled me close.
She began sobbing.
“Erica please don’t leave.
Please don’t ever leave.
I’m sorry I didn’t call or write.
I’m sorry please don’t leave,
please don’t leave”
She was shaking.
I squeezed harder.
“I’m not gonna leave I promise
I’m never going to leave you.
I’m never going to leave you.
You’ll come back and live with me in London.”
She shook her head in disbelief.
She hugged me again.
I pulled away,
“What the HELL were you thinking!?” I yelled,
now that I knew she was okay.
We looked at each other and laughed.
“I can’t believe it’s you.” she whispered in fascination.
~PART THREE~ Kaitlin
Later On“Kaitlin come on we’re going to be late for the show!”
“Alright I’m coming!”
Dear Journal,
I found home here.
I’m three weeks in.
