ChoreGames Control the chaos by gamifying chores

Accountability Parenting

1st Edition

ChoreGames 3 ........................................................Gamification 3 ........................................................Playing the Game 4 .................................................The Tiebreaker 4 ......................................................................Game Supplies 5 .......................................................................Game Play 5 .............................................................................Go to Jail 6 ...............................................................................Does this Game EVER End? 8 ...............................Level Up 8 ...............................................................Appendix 10............................................................

ChoreGames Anyone remember the movie WarGames? It served as an introduction to the world of gaming when the main character, David, inadvertently starts a countdown to world war 3. Clearly, David had too much unmonitored screen time!

As many parents struggle to avoid what feels like world war 3 in their own homes, they often give in and turn a blind eye to the use of screen, simultaneously throwing their hands in the air with the “I surrender” gesture.

People, it doesn’t need to be world war 3. You can get your kids to participate in the household without beating them with a stick.

Kids — heck, humans! — love positive reinforcement. The digital games our kids play, well, they’re feeding that desire through intangible, yet very powerful, rewards. So powerful, in fact, that our kids will continue screening in order to keep the dopamine drip going. It is an endless cycle.

But you can, and should, break the cycle. Use what these game developers already know to your advantage — “gamifying” an activity makes it far more compelling.

If you are raising a couple of screen addicts, don’t despair. You can still chart a new course for them. Make household chores fun and watch your kids power through their chores like they power through their device.

GAME ON!

Chapter One

Gamification Sadly, I did not coin this jazzy term. Its an old concept that is now being applied to the corporate world under this new name.

In essence when you gamify something, you create a set of rules and a fun, engaging user experience. It must satisfy some internal craving — so typically there is a reward or a winner/loser.

Game developers have been able to capitalize on our need to win or be rewarded for the same reason our generation played Dungeons and Dragons for hours, or for the same reason my son would sit and play monopoly for hours. Even though its all an alternate reality where there are no tangible rewards, there are rewards built in that keep us playing. Game developers know this and can add level after level of rewards to incentivize more playing.

According to an American Psychology Association article, The Benefits of Playing Video Games by authors Isabela Granic, Adam Lobel, and Rutger C. M. E. Engels, “gaming may be among the most efficient and effective means by which children and youth generate positive feelings. Several studies have shown a causal relation between playing preferred video games and improved mood or increases in positive emotion (e.g., Russoniello, O’Brien, & Parks, 2009; Ryan, Rigby, & Przybylski, 2006).”

In layman terms — gaming is fun and makes you want to keep doing it because you get a natural high from it.

Think about where we see gamification in our lives. Nearly every shopping venue offers a reward program of some sort to keep you coming back. That Fitbit you wear? Yep, it has you competing with other Fitbit wearers to see who can be on the leaderboard. Oh, and it also gives you a virtual high five when you achieve a new “skycraper” level. Frequent flyer programs offer leveled rewards that may even earn you a beer in first class.

Without intention and without even realizing it, I capitalized on this very inherent desire for rewards when I created our family’s chore program. Because my kids enjoy rewards (and LOVE that, in our case, gaming IS the reward) they are active participants in ChoreGames.

Chapter Two

Playing the Game Friends and acquaintances often ask me how I get my kids to do certain things. The other day a friend said, “Oh, I’ve been meaning to ask you, how do you get your kids to practice piano?” My answer when I get asked these “how do you get your kids to” questions is always, “what is the reward system you have in place?”

More often than not, I’m told that they use a penalty system.

WRONG answer! I’m all for penalties and I use them, but if you want to motivate kids to participate, you need to begin with a reward-driven system. As an aside, in the pediatrician’s office one of the questions they ask is whether you reward your kids with food. I’m supposed to answer, “no,” but I always say, “YES!” Because, sometimes, a piece of candy makes piano practice more palatable! That’s OK; I promise your kids aren’t going to get fat from a handful of M&Ms. And, oh no, I’m not suggesting entitlement parenting! I’m simply saying that sometimes you’ll face a hurdle and its OK to find a short-term, positive tool to help overcome it.

If you haven’t already, read 123 Magic by Thomas Phelan. It gives a great introduction to basic kid behavior psychology. Most notably “start behavior” and “stop behavior.” ChoreGames is, essentially, taking on “start behavior, ” which is how to get your kids to do what you want them to do. Think about it — if you want kids to do something but you only have penalties set in place, what’s the incentive for them to start? More important, if you want to have a really great relationship with your kid, then rewards are key. No one likes the boss (or the parent) who is always negative and demeaning. We want to work at places where there are incentives, liberal scheduling, a casual dress code. The same philosophy applies to kids.

The Tiebreaker Before I get into the specifics of ChoreGames, let’s introduce one more concept that is really important to our game. It’s what you do in the event of a “tie” or a standstill. I call it “Helper of the Day.” I have two kids so my helper of the day basically flips back and forth each day. If you have more kids you alternate

the role evenly between kids. Put it as a recurring item on your calendar because they’re going to tell you they were the helper yesterday and if you don’t have it in writing…then you’ve been played.

The “helper” is the person who reigns supreme if there is an argument about who does what, who goes first, who sits next to mom, who puts away the silverware (vs. the dishes), etc. If there is an extra water bottle that needs to be filled, its the helper who does it. The idea is, you know who the default is should there be any question about who-does-what. I simply put a sign up — one side says “Grant” the other side says “Greta” and it flips back and forth (assuming I remember to do it at night, hence needing to have it on your calendar). Its a visual reminder each day of who the helper is.

Game Supplies To get started you’ll need some supplies; you can tailer this to whatever interests your kid(s). Everything we do is listed in the index — feel free to copy it exactly, or tweak to fit your needs:

- Game pieces (we use these gems)

- Reward coupons

- Job Jar coupons

- Gem Jar (we use a Ball jar!)

- Job Jar (Ball jar!)

- Daily Chore coupons

- Helper of the Day sign

Your child has several daily chore coupons broken down by morning, afternoon, and evening chores. When they do the chore, they put the card in their Gem Jar. At the end of the day, you count the cards and dole out one gem for every card. Gems collect from Monday morning to Sunday evening. Sunday evening you count gems and hand out the reward coupons.

Game Play For the game to work, you have to make the reward something your kids want. My kids want screentime. Our reward, then, is a 30 minute screen coupon for every three gems they earn. Some weeks my kids are voracious earners, other weeks they forget to put their cards in (even though they did the chores) and don’t earn anything. Even though I want my kids to be professionals someday, I still think its an important lesson that if you don’t clock in, you don’t get paid!

Basically my kids can earn up to 21 screen coupons a week. My goal is for them to have less than one hour of screen per day, but there are weeks they get more. Be cognizant when you design your rewards that you don’t overdo the reward potential. Nothing says, “cheater cheater pumpkin eater” like a mom who says you’ve earned something but doesn’t let you have it!

In our game, the kids cannot use a screen coupon earned in a previous week’s game unless they’ve done their daily chores. So, if Grant has 21 screen coupons from last week and doesn’t do his morning chores, he cannot use a screen coupon and take his iPad on the bus with him. He is not eligible to use the screen

coupon until the morning (or afternoon) chores are done. Yes, I realize that’s a little unfair because they already earned the rewards but — too bad — my game, my rules. As long as you’re consistent with the rules and not being arbitrary, your kids will go along with it.

Before I got into the punitive aspect of the game, are you seeing any difference from how you may do things (i.e., constantly taking things away)? Your kids are now empowered with the knowledge that they can earn what they really want just by doing the chores required. No more nagging; their fate is in their hands.

Go to Jail Most games have the potential for something bad to happen — the penalty can take many forms — going to jail, losing all your money, dying only to return to life 10 seconds later. Bad things happen to good people in games. But in our game, its how we address Phelan’s “stop behavior” concept and break the behavior we no longer want to see happening.

I’ve struggled with this one and have tried many different techniques. But for now I’ve settled on pulling gems on occasion and pulling from a job jar on occasion. Depending on the infraction, its my prerogative which penalty gets played. It does work best if you have a general guideline (again, otherwise you’ll never hear the end of it), so here’s my framework:

First and foremost, I use the 1-2-3 counting method. If they don’t stop the behavior, they lose three gems (they don’t lose gems if they stop at 1 or 2; I only penalize them if they take it to 3). After two rounds of this (at which point I know my kids have essentially lost their ability to control themselves,) they go to a timeout in their room (jail)!

Why not just do timeouts from the get go? Well, timeouts were very hard for my super-strong-willed kids. I probably have time-out related PTSD, so now that my kids are more sophisticated and have more control, it is just easier for me to employ tangible penalties since they are usually just as effective.

If there is a major infraction — hitting a sibling or parent, lying, cheating. Whatever YOU deem major, then they have to incur a more serious penalty. They have to pull from the job jar. This is a task that requires a little more time and may be very unenjoyable. Here’s a classic Grant tale related to the job jar:

Grant did something worthy of the job jar and pulled the card for “pick up dog poop.” After much consternation, complaining, and general carrying on I sat him down to tell him WHY he had to follow through and perform the chore. I said, “When you go out into the work world you’re going to be asked to do things you don’t like. You’re going to have to flip burgers, or stock the shelves, or deal with a client that has a serious attitude problem. But if you don’t do what your boss tells you to do — you’ll get fired.” He thought about it for a minute and responded, “Mom, I highly doubt my boss is going to make me pick up dog poop.”

I laughed. Out loud. “True,” I said. “But today I’m your boss and you have to do what I’m telling you or there will be serious consequences.” And since he knows I’ll follow through by taking his screen away for a week if he doesn’t comply, off he went to pick up poop!

Now, if you feel the infraction was beyond the job jar — then you have every right to take a reward coupon in addition to or instead of the other consequence.

There are definitely behaviors that you could either reward OR punish. For example, my son is a chatterbox at night when I’m just totally done and ready to check out. He’s frequently getting out of bed and coming in to tell me one more story, ask one more question. Most of the time I roll with it or say, “mom is off duty; don’t bother me again.” If this became a problem, then I could set in place a rule for a week that if he gets out of bed except to go potty — in his OWN bathroom — he loses a gem. In general, I like short term rules because otherwise I forget them. And, I’ve found that usually it just takes a short reset anyway. We may have to do several rounds of resets over the year, but that’s OK with me. On the flip side, if you’re a rockstar at ChoreGames, you would say that if he stays in his own bed for a week he’ll earn three extra gems come Sunday. And you might repeat this until you see a more permanent behavior change. Positive is always the way to go, if you can muster the energy, but penalties are absolutely OK if you don’t overdo it.

Patience My Young Padawan Parenting with ChoreGames does require energy on your part, make no mistake. I know some of you are coming from the penalty mindset so I need to warn you that you’ll naturally want to give up the fun part of the game and go down the penalty path. When you do this, before you know it you’ve taken away every gem and every coupon your kid has earned. I urge you to try and spend a week or two penalty-free. You can tell them this is the introductory period of the game so they know there ARE penalties, eventually. But, really, the goal is to get them doing things to earn rewards. They need to feel that inherent high they’ll get from playing a game that rewards them so they willingly continue to play the game!

My daughter is a spitfire — she literally spits at me sometimes (you’re horrified, aren’t you?) She vacillates between telling me I’m the best mom in the world and telling me she hates me. This is a kid who could be penalized, A LOT. But here’s my advice — DON’T. Kids are kids because they have developing brains. We’re not trying to grow robots. We want to grow adults who know how to make decisions and live with the consequences. Because my daughter is clearly not an adult, why would I hold her to those standards? Her behavior ebbs and flows (I can tell you unequivocally that on the whole she’s far more delightful than she was three years ago), and so I need to ebb and flow with her. Do you want your kids to react every time someone calls them a name or tells them they are hated? NO! So don’t overreact when they do it to you. Teach them patience, forgiveness, and understanding. In doing so you’re building a lasting relationship and growing a competent adult.

Happy Hearts Many of the concepts I use were swiped from fabulous friends who happen to be fabulous parents. My one friend used the term “happy heart” and I’ve adopted it wholeheartedly. My kids know that, yes, I want them to do their chores…but I also want them to do it without complaint (i.e., with a “happy heart”.) Be prepared that you’ll need a week or two of doling out “happy heart” gems, and it’s probably going to happen a week or two after you’ve implemented your program. By then, the novelty has warn off and the kids are no longer enthusiastic about this new way of life. When this happens, you give out gems whenever they do something without complaint. And, then, down the road, when they begin to be sassy-pants, you remind them to do things with a happy heart by reissuing gems on occasion. I know its counterintuitive — we want to penalize bad behavior! — but you have to think long-term. I repeat — the goal is cooperation and developing a rock-solid relationship for when they enter their teen years and REALLY begin to give you grief.

That’s it, the basic premise of ChoresGames. The beauty of it is that you can tailer it to whatever you need to see from your kids.

Chapter Three

Does this Game EVER End? In short, it doesn’t! Yes, you basically play a new round every week, but your goal is to keep playing the game.

There will be weeks when your routine gets disrupted and you’ll completely lose track and the game, essentially, ends. When this happens you’ll revert to your old ways and begin punishing the little twerps. And within a week or two you’ll wonder why your kids are acting up and not doing a damn thing you ask of them. The beauty of this game is that you can re-start it at any time. If tweaking elements of the game is a soft-reset, then consider this the hard-reset.

Simply announce, “we’re restarting ChoreGames today!” (Maybe you’ll get a “hurray!” or maybe you’ll get a “NOOOO!”)

Actually, maybe you’re the one saying, “NO!” I wouldn’t be surprised, because this game does require your leadership. If you’re not playing the role of “banker” in this game, then its not going to work. I know we all want a magic pill to make our kids behave the way we want them to, but this is as close I can come to giving you that pill. You’re a parent. You have to do the work of raising your kids, and this game provides some really critical elements that help your kids know how to survive in the real world. Its really in the category of “if you build it, they will come” because if you set this up right, your kids will play and the banker role becomes less intense, less time-consuming.

Chapter Four

Level Up So, here’s the raw truth…you’re going to mess this up. You’re going to forget. Your going to tune out when your kids ask if they can use a coupon and realize it two days later when they say they didn’t use a coupon that they actually did, in fact, use. And you’re definitely going to want to throw in the towel because its just easier to pick up the shoes than deal with this crazy-complicated game.

But the thing is if you stick with any do-the-work-reap-the-reward framework, you’re giving your kids invaluable real world training. More than that, you’re setting yourself up for success. I can now say, “you cannot do screen until the chores are done,” and have them rush around to accomplish everything on their list within 30 minutes because my kids are MOTIVATED to get to their reward. On those days they aren’t motivated, maybe I’ll sweeten the deal with candy…but I’m that mom, you don’t have to be.

What motivates your kids? I hate to limit things like being active or reading, but maybe you can reward something related to those excellent hobbies (e.g., new sneakers, a new book). Stop and think; it may not be obvious at first but you’ll eventually realize that there is a reward they deeply covet.

Take ChoreGames to whatever parameters you need to be successful in your home and with YOUR kids. Keep it simple or build onto it and make it even more interesting. Just don’t let them off the hook. THAT’s how we’ve ended up with a generation of entitled kids. As parents we owe it to ourselves and to our society to do right by our kids so they do right by the world. Your reward is a little extra help around the house, and maybe even a few more love notes. It’s so worth it.

If you want more tips (some related to implementing ChoreGames in your home), visit www.accountabilityparenting.com!

Appendix

M O R N I N G A F T E R N O O N

M O R N I N G A F T E R N O O N

M O R N I N G A F T E R N O O N

E V E N I N G A F T E R N O O N

- MAKE BED - OPEN BLINDS - GET DRESSED

- EAT BREAKFAST - CLEAR BOWL - BRUSH TEETH

- EMPTY DISHWASHER

- PRACTICE PIANO

- DO HOMEWORK - PACK LUNCH

- EXTRA CHORE(S)

- SET TABLE -HELP WITH DINNER

DISHES

- BRUSH TEETH - CLOTHES TO LAUNDRY

CHUTE

YO U R C O N S E Q U E N C E I S

YO U R C O N S E Q U E N C E I S

CLEAN OUT CAR

YO U R C O N S E Q U E N C E I S

EXTRA PIANO PRACTICE

VACUUM LAUNDRY ROOM

YO U R C O N S E Q U E N C E I S

PICK UP DOG POOP

YO U R C O N S E Q U E N C E I S

VACUUM KITCHEN

YO U R C O N S E Q U E N C E I S

VACUUM STAIRS

YO U R C O N S E Q U E N C E I S YO U R C O N S E Q U E N C E I S

TIDY BOOKSHELVES

CLEAN A TOILET

YO U R C O N S E Q U E N C E I S YO U R C O N S E Q U E N C E I S

YARDWORK 15 MINUTES

DUST A ROOM

You’ve Earned It

30 MINUTES SCREEN TIME Expires in One Week

You’ve Earned It

You’ve Earned It You’ve Earned It

You’ve Earned It You’ve Earned It

You’ve Earned It You’ve Earned It

30 MINUTES SCREEN TIME Expires in One Week

30 MINUTES SCREEN TIME Expires in One Week

30 MINUTES SCREEN TIME Expires in One Week

30 MINUTES SCREEN TIME Expires in One Week

30 MINUTES SCREEN TIME Expires in One Week

30 MINUTES SCREEN TIME Expires in One Week

30 MINUTES SCREEN TIME Expires in One Week