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The ROCK Players present…”The Newlywed Game"

Based on Ephesians 5:21-33

©2012 David Skarshaug (www.alcames.org). Conditions for use: (1) If you use all or parts of this script in any form, please consider sending a suggested $25 donation check made out to "The ROCK" to the following address: Ascension Lutheran Church, 2400 Bloomington Road, Ames, IA 50010. Reference the script title in the memo on the check. (2) Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it. (3) You may reproduce this script for internal use, but all copies must contain this copyright statement.

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Cast:Cast:

Chandler: Don PardoNate: Bob NeubanksJoe: AdamJulia: EveGerrit: NoahAnnee: FloRyan: JesusMatt: The Church

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Setting:This is a parody of “The Newlywed Game”. In this game, hosted by Bob Neubanks and annouced by Don Pardo, the contestants are paired spouses who compete in a contest about how well they know one-another. In it we find a stark constrast between God’s ideal couple (Jesus & the Church) and some of our earth-bound copies.

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Don: Hello, from Beautiful Downtown Burbank. I’m Don Pardo. From the ROCK’s magic skit vault, here come the Newlyweds! (Music.)

Don: Yes, it’s the Newlywed Game. And now, let’s meet our newlywed couples for today.

Don: (Adam and Eve enter.) Couple Number 1. This couple first met on the job. He was busy naming all the animals on the earth, when she showed up to help him. Hailing from the East of Eden, we welcome, Adam and Eve Godson.

Don: (Noah and wife enter.) Couple Number 2. This groom was the tenth and last of the pre-flood Patriarchs. But he won his bride’s heart, telling her he was good with animals, loved boating, and had dreams of having his own family wine label. From ancient mesopotamia, help me welcome Noah and Flo Lamechson.

Don: (Jesus and the Church enter.) Couple Number 3. Our groom says he’d literally do anything for his bride, and she says on most Sunday mornings she sort of feels the same. Join me in welcoming the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end, Jesus Christ, and his bride, “The Church”.

Don: Those are our newlyweds for today. And here is our host, the star of the Newlywed Game, Bob Neubanks.

Bob: Hold it, Christ and the Church? What kind of couple is that?

Don: Well, in Ephesians, the apostle Paul seems to imply that all these other couples are merely a reflection—some would even say a DIM reflection or even a POOR imitation--of this ultimate bridal couple.

Bob: I see—much in the same way that fathers are a type of God the father. Well, okay then. Let’s play.

Don: Now, prior to the show, we asked each individual to answer several questions about their marriage as their spouse would answer. Now, we’ll see how their answers match those of their spouse.

Bob: Let’s start with you Eve. By the way, nice outfits. I gotta’ tell you, when I heard your name I was a bit concerned about what you might wear to the show: Genesis 2 or Genesis 3 attire.

Eve: Well, we were nearly into chapter 4 when we received the call, so—by the grace of God…literally—you got the animal skins. They wash up so much better than the fig leaves, you know.

Bob: Well, they’re lovely, Eve. Now for Question 1, worth 25 points, Eve. How would Adam answer this question: “I would most like to see my bride take a course in [blank].”

Eve: I know: Selecting good fruit. That seemed to be a major source of confrontation in our early marriage.

Bob: I’m sorry. Adam said “Recognizing Snake Oil Salesmen.” (Adam saddly reveals his card.)

Adam: Honey, if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times, never talk to strangers.

Eve: I just needed someone to talk to, and I thought, “Wow, a talking serpant?”

Adam: Well I talk, right? Why just the other day we had a great converstation. Two actually.

Eve: Let’s see, first it was ”Eve, you seen my fishing pole?”

Adam: And the second conversation was even a DIALOG.

Eve: That’s right. You said, “Eve, where did you put my remote?” and I said, “What’s a remote?”

Bob: Well, before folks reach for their remotes, we better move on to bride number two. Flo—and say, I don’t recall seeing your name in any of the Biblical accounts.

Flo: Yes, it kind of got lost in the…flow of all the other things in our lives. You remember, we didn’t exactly have a conventional retirement…

Noah: What with the kids, the ark, the flood, and all the critters and such.

Bob: Well, Flo, how would Noah answer this question: “I would most like to see my bride take a course in [blank].”

Flo: Oh, that would have to be patience. You know, when you’re a few hundred years old, and your husband looks up from his pot roast and says, “Oh by the way, God told me to build a boat for all the animals in the world.” Well you know what I mean.

Bob: Well, I’m sorry, Flo. Noah said “Animal Husbandry”.

Noah: It really would have been handy, Honey, you gotta admit.

Bob: You’re turn, Church. How would Jesus answer, “I would most like to see my bride take a course in [blank].”

Church: Well, so many things: church growth, worship services, membership, potlucks, music, christian ed, stewardship, social issues, youth ministry, property, parking…let’s see what’s most important to Jesus?

Bob: Your answer please…focus, Church, focus…

Church: Oh, there’s just so much….(long pause)

Bob: I’m sorry. Times up. Jesus said “Submission”. (Jesus reveals his card.)

Jesus: That’s okay, I realize you are not perfect, and I don’t expect perfection. Just remember I love you. All I ask is that you submit to me.

Bob: That word “submit” sounds kind of severe, Jesus.

Jesus: Actually the mutual submission between married couples that Paul called for in Ephesians 5:21 is SEVERE, but in a good way.

Bob: How so?

Jesus: You see, it was a real contrast to the Greco-Roman culture in which Paul and I lived, where wives were virtually property.

Bob: Well, that would be a hard sell.

Jesus: You see, almost from the start, mankind was messing with my ideal for marriage…which led to things like polygamy, divorce, and other sad situations. So in Ephesians 5, Paul actually laid out real obligations on both parties. That was progress!

Bob: Well, with that, let’s progress to our next question, this time for the guys. Adam, what will Eve say your words were when you first saw her?

Adam: Ah, oh I got it. Me Adam, you Eve.

Bob: I’m sorry, Adam, I know it’s been a few thousand years. (Eve raises card.) Eve said “At last! This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be called ‘woman,’ because she was taken from man.”

Eve: Well, Adam was never one for words, but I’ll never forget the look on his face. After naming critters all day, he was smitten!

Bob: And I can see why. On to Couple 2. Noah, what were your first words when you saw Flo?

Noah: Oh, I remember. It wast a great pickup line. “Baby, stick with me and we’re gonna see the world.”

Bob: I’m sorry, Noah. (Flo raises card.) Flow said your words were “I’m the only righteous man left. You better marry me.”

Flo: Like most men, Noah wasn’t one for words, but I do owe my life to him. In fact, out of the very waters of death, God saved me through my marriage to Noah.

Noah: That whole submission thing that Jesus mentioned. It’s voluntary, it’s within the context of marriage, and the results are usually pretty good when our egos don’t enter in and mess things up.

Bob: That brings us back to you, Jesus. What were your first words when you saw the church?

Jesus: “Come, follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.”

Bob: Wow! Correct. (Church raises card.) But what an improbable pick-up line that was.

Jesus: My relationship with the church is always an open offer to voluntary submission, and it’s tied to the water and the word. So you see what a wonderful word picture my father provided through Noah in saving mankind through the flood.

Church: God is an artist, and he paints with history: batisms, floods, and more.

Bob: That brings us to our final question of the show. Eve, this is your last chance to score some points. For 50 points, what would Adam say he is willing to give up for you?

Eve: I know! Apple pie!

Bob: That’s correct! (Adam smiles and holds up sign.)

Adam: It’s a good thing because Fareway is closed today, and whenever she bakes a pie, I have to ask her where she got the fruit.

Bob: Flo, what would Noah be willing to give up for you?

Flo: His umbrella.

Bob: That’s correct. (Bob smiles and holds up sign.)

Noah: It’s the least I could do, after all she put up with in Genesis chapters 5 through 9. Husbands are called to a sacrificial love, caring for their wife as for their own body.

Bob: And finally, for 50 points and the opportunity to win this edition of the Newleywed game, Church, what would Jesus be willing to give up for you?

Church: I know! His life! (Jesus smiles and holds up sign.)

Bob: That’s correct!

Jesus: As Paul said in Ephesians, where the church is called to submit to me, I have loved the church—the body of Christ--with my very life.

Church: in Ephesians 5:32, Paul called that a mystery.

Jesus: As it is. And earthly marriages are but a shadow of this much greater mystery.

Bob: Jesus, as winners of our competition, what are your plans for the future?

Church: I just need to live a life of submission to my Lord and Savior, Jesus.

Jesus: And I will continue to sanctify and love my church as we await the day of the Lord.

Bob: That’s it for this edition of The Newlywed Game. Join us next week, as we welcome celebrity couples Fred & Wilma Flintstone, Ralph & Alice Cramden, and [insert name of pastor & spouse]. (Music.)