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04/19/23
Difficult People
We all have folks in our lives that make things more difficult that they need to be to work, play and enjoy ourselves. Whether it is at our workplace (a dental office) or in our hobbies and fun times (User Groups) we can related to the list of folks who seem to delight in making our life miserable. It is with an understanding of the drive behind these folks we are better able to deal with them.
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Difficult People
Hostile- Aggressive Constant Complainers Silent and Unresponsive Super-Agreeable Negative People Know-it-alls Indecisive Stallers
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Hostile -Aggressives Sherman Tanks
Tanks always come out charging Not always physically, but their whole
demeanor expresses “ATTACK”
Arbitrary and Arrogant Consider others to be inferior to them
Leaves people feeling confused, helpless, frustrated.
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Hostile -Aggressives Sherman Tanks
Tanks have a strong need to prove to themselves and the world that they are right.
Tasks are clear and concrete to them. Ways to perform tasks are simple and
straightforward. They get impatient with anyone who
disagrees.
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Hostile -Aggressives Sherman Tanks
They usually achieve their short term goals, but at the expensive of relationships with co-workers and friends.
They seem incapable to receive or accept feedback about their impact on others.
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Hostile -Aggressives Sherman Tanks
Coping Stand up for yourself Give them time to run down Just get in there Get their attention Get them to sit down Speak from your point of view Avoid a head-on Be ready to be friendly
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Hostile -Aggressives Sherman Tanks
Stand up for yourself When they say:”No.no that won’t work at all”. Respond with;” Now wait a minute. I am not sure
you heard what I said…: Describe your position in a non-hostile manner.
Failure to stand up will reinforce the behavior of rolling over you.
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Hostile -Aggressives Sherman Tanks
Stand up for yourself When they say:”No.no that won’t work at all”. Respond with;” Now wait a minute. I am not sure
you heard what I said…: Describe your position in a non-hostile manner.
Failure to stand up will reinforce the behavior of rolling over you.
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Hostile -Aggressives Sherman Tanks
Give them time to run down. Usually their outburst are meant to intimidate and
“push you back” Stand you ground without responding and give
them time to run out of steam. When they start to lose momentum, be ready to
jump into the situation.
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Hostile -Aggressives Sherman Tanks
Get their attention, CAREFULLY! They are expecting you to shy away from them of
not to resist. Call them by name (not a name). “BOB”, “Ms.
Winston!” and with authority. Drop a book or a pencil, but do NOT throw it. You
are attempting to break their tirade.
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Hostile -Aggressives Sherman Tanks
Get them to sit down. “Look if we are going to argue, at least get
comfortable.” Only sit when they sit.
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Hostile -Aggressives Sherman Tanks
Speak from your point of view. “I disagree with you” “I see things differently”
Don’t threaten, simply state your point of view.
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Hostile -Aggressives Sherman Tanks
Avoid a Head-On You may lose the battle:
If you become to aggressive in response, they may escalate their behavior.
They are very skill at this type of fighting, you are probably an amateur.
…OR worst: lose the war If they are your boss, the consequences are obvious. If someone else, you may instill the same feelings toward
you the tank did to you.
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Hostile -Aggressives Sherman Tanks
Be ready to be friendly Surprisingly, when you do stand up to the “bully”,
the tank will see you as one worthy of their respect and someone who is strong. This can be quite disconcerting is you are not ready for it and may interfere with a productive and valuable future relationship.
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Hostile -Aggressives The Sniper
Snipers maintain a cover from behind which that can take pot shots at you. Innuendoes, sotto voce remarks, not-too-subtle
digs, non-playful teasing, etc.
They act friendly and non-threatening and leave you feeling “pinned down”.
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Hostile -Aggressives The Sniper
When we witness this behavior we often wish the victim would respond and lash out against the assailant. But the sniper has learned to use our own social constraints to create a protective place from which to strike out their prey.
It is the very success in reducing others to inaction that reinforces the sniper to act as they do.
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Hostile -Aggressives The Sniper
Understanding a sniper They have a very strong sense of what they think
is right and how something should be done. They think that they have a “superior “view” of a
situation and feel distain for others with differing beliefs.
Their expectation may be unrealistic and elicit further attacks when not answered.
They feel a need to be in control of a situation.
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Hostile -Aggressives The Sniper
Coping Surface the attack Provide an alternative to a direct contest Seek group Confirmation or Denial of Attack Deal with Problems
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Hostile -Aggressives The Sniper
Surface the attack If you are the victim of an attack, don’t ignore it.
Confront it! Smoke them out! “That sounded like a dig. Did you mean it that way?” “Do I understand that you don’t like what I am saying?” Sounds like you are ridiculing me. Are you?”
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Hostile -Aggressives The Sniper
Provide an alternative to a direct contest. You notice the above are all questions. Not assertions. The sniper will usually deny any such attack was intend
“What, who me?. No I agree with everything you are saying.”
They are less like to snipe in the future. Without cover, sniping is not possible. If however, they then tell you where you are going wrong, be
ready to assess the claims
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Hostile -Aggressives The Sniper
Seek group confirmation or denial of the criticism If the sniper states :”This is the worst idea I every
heard”. You ask the group;’ Does anyone else see it this
way?” If there is confirmation, be ready to look for the problems
and deal with them. If the criticism is not supported, “I guess there is a
difference of opinion, could you be more specific?”
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Hostile -Aggressives The Sniper
Deal with the problems Prevention
Regular meetings where people are comfortable to express ideas will lessen tension. If people feel they can speak and be heard they are less likely to take pot shots.
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Hostile -Aggressives The Exploder
The classic adult tantrum Barely under control Escalation of fury to the point that objects and
blows may be thrown.
Can erupt during conversations that start out friendly and reasonable.
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Hostile -Aggressives The Exploder
Almost always an automatic response to a situation which the person feels both thwarted and psychologically threatened.
The words or actions that elicit this response may be subtle, unintended or only partially intended.
The victim of the tantrum is often unaware of having said anything wrong and is likely to feel surprised and bewildered by the abrupt change in the situation.
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Hostile -Aggressives The Exploder
Why does this work? It is a learned response from childhood. An exploder has found that a good tantrum will reduce a well-functioning adult to silence, passivity, or tantrums of their own.
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Hostile -Aggressives The Exploder
Coping Give them time to run down Show your serious intentions Interrupt the Interaction
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Hostile -Aggressives The Exploder
Give them time to run down. Just like the Sherman tanks, exploders will
eventually run out of steam. Be ready to jump in. If no pause occurs, however, be ready to stop
them verbally. “STOP! STOP!” “”WAIT A MINUTE!”
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Hostile -Aggressives The Exploder
Show your serious intentions “I can see that is this is very important to you and I
want to discuss it with you. But no in this way” Loudly!
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Hostile -Aggressives The Exploder
Interrupt the Interaction “I’ll be right back” You are buying time to let them cool off and
compose themselves.
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Constant Complainers
Find fault with everything. The disguised message is that
someone (usually you) should be doing something about a situation.
Complainers usually sit down when starting a conversation. They figure they are going to stay for a while.
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Constant Complainers
Do not confuse with problem solvers that have a genuine complaint. The are normally looking for solutions to concrete problems. Complainers by contrast will start on one topic and roll right into many more, seemingly endlessly.
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Constant Complainers
One of the problems with separating problem solvers from complainers is there is usually some substance to both sets of complaints.
Complainers can easily turn the tables on their victims and make them defensive.
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Constant Complainers
Two types The complete complainer -Everything is
presented to you since, you obviously (to their way of thinking) are at fault.
The Triangular complainer. This person complains to you ABOUT someone else and expects you to remedy the situation.
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Constant Complainers
Understanding the problem: They do not think they are whining, the
honestly think they are addressing a problem that you need to address
“I’ve brought this to your attention, told you it is not the way it should be. I have done all I can do. Now it is up to you!”
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Constant Complainers
Three factors make up the complainers world: They are powerless:
To make changes to the situation
They are prescriptive: They obviously know what is best
They are perfect: They are obviously blameless, innocent and morally
perfect in order to pass judgment as they do.
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Constant Complainers
They point out real problems but do it in a way to elicit placating or defensive responses from others. Their frustration at the lack of constructive problem solving is genuine but self-defeating since it leads to more complaining.
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Constant Complainers
Complaining can be understood as the only kind of active behavior that seems possible to those who feel powerless to determine their own fate. The believe that the causes of what happens to them is attributable to benevolent or malevolent others.
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Constant Complainers
Complainers have a strong sense of how others ought to behave: They feel anger when others do not conform.
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Constant Complainers
Complaining is self-validating since it provides a solid basis for complainers to confirm their own lack of responsibility for anything that is not done well.
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Constant Complainers
Coping Listen attentively Acknowledge Be prepared to interrupt Use limited responses Don’t agree Avoid the Accusation-Defense-Reaccusation sequence State facts without comment or apology Switch to problem solving Last resort
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Constant Complainers
Listen attentively Easy to brush off. Common to think: “Stop
Whining” Must be done in order to:
Allow the complainer to left off steam Lessen their sense of being dismissed and
powerless Provides you with information needed for
additional coping steps
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Constant Complainers
Acknowledge Actively let them know you hear them Paraphrase the message End with your best guess about how the
complainer feels, “I can see you are pretty frustrated about this.”
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Constant Complainers
Be prepared to interrupt If you don’t stop the continuous string of
complaints, they are likely to repeat themselves.
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Constant Complainer
Use limited responses Complainer love words like “never” and “always”. You move toward problem solving if you can pin
down specifics. Eliminate the “nevers” and “always”.
“You never answer the phone.” “Okay you called on Tuesday and Friday, when
else?”
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Constant Complainers
Don’t agree Acknowledge the problem, don’t agree to
it. It confirms your responsible for the existence of this problem.
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Constant Complainers
Avoid the accusation-defense-reaccusation sequence. A common approach of the complainer.
The initial response from a listener may be interpreted as an accusation, which the complainer quickly turns into a defense, then reverses the tables and reaccuses the listener of the original matter.
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Constant Complainers
State the facts without comment or apology Let facts stand on their own. Never try to one-
upsmanship a complainer. You will never win. Be specific
“You never answer my memos!” Let’s see, you last memo was 6/10/02 and here is
my response on 6/18/02”
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Constant Complainers
Switch to problem solving Once acknowledged, work to resolve the
issues “When does this occur?” Are there times it is better?”
Assign limited tasks “Can you give me exact times and dates”
Get it in writing Easier to verify facts and follow up with details
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Constant Complainers
Last resort Put it back in their lap.
“Where do you want this to go?” Won’t work the first time (usually), but gets
them into the problem solving mode to look for constructive suggestions.
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Constant Complainers
The Triangular Complainer- Coping “Hove you told… about this?” “May I tell… about this?” “I would be happy to arrange a meeting
about this.”
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Silent and Unresponsive
Noncommittal way to handle painful situations
Calculated aggression Evading themselves
Won’t or can’t talk when you need conversation from them!
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Silent and Unresponsive
Coping Techniques Closed ended questions -Wrong
“Do you have anything to add?” “Are there an questions or comments?”
Open Ended Questions - RIGHT “What is your reaction, so far?” “What do say about that?
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Silent and Unresponsive
Coping Techniques FSS - Friendly Silent Stare
Collecting thoughts Something to do/think while waiting Leverage
Don’t Fill in the Space- they are expecting this!
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Silent and Unresponsive
Comment on the situation “I expected you to say, something and you are
not. What does this mean?” Again an open ended questions
Recycle “Well, it looks to me like this is what’s happening. I
am waiting for a response and you are not saying anything. How do we get out of this bind?”
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Silent and Unresponsive
Responses “Can I go now?” “Not yet, I still have some things on my
mind.”
“I don’t know” “Well then please tell me about “X”
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Silent and Unresponsive
Break the Tension “What’s on your mind?” What are you thinking?” Am I wrong that you are feeling
uncomfortable (or irritated, annoyed, angry)? Expect to go either way
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Silent and Unresponsive
Set time limits Enough time for coping Important issues always last Energize the “clam” to open if time running
out.
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Silent and Unresponsive
The clam opens up Be attentive
Resist the urge to talk as well. They will freeze again.
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Silent and Unresponsive
Avoid the polite ending Well, thanks, we will try again later.
If a subordinate: This is important, we will get back together
tomorrow at 3PM…
If your boss: This is important, I will call you tomorrow for an
appointment.
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Silent and Unresponsive
Proceed on your own. If all else fails, proceed as if they agree:
Since you have nothing to add, I can assume you agree to this analysis and will comply with these specific points, or alternative consequences….
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Super-Agreeables
Always smiling, always happy, joking and having fun
UNTIL YOU NEED ACTION! Form signed Raise in writing Honest discussion
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Super-Agreeables
The problem We all need to be accepted, or liked. To do
so, they make others feel like and accepted.
They become difficult when their needs conflict with reality.
They commit to actions on which they cannot or will not follow through.
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Super-Agreeables
“I will have that report Monday” “I will be home in fifteen minutes.” “I will get right on it”
All promises are made in good faith. They may actually see it that way. Or they are usually hiding “bad news”
Short term benefits - Long term problems
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Super-Agreeables
Coping Make Honesty Nonthreating
“I really want to know what is happening, because I value your friendship.”
“I am really glad you liked that report, but every area can use some improvement. Which parts do you think could be better?”
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Super-Agreeables
Don’t allow them to make Unrealistic Commitments “I will be home in fifteen minutes.
“Well, it took me 45 minutes with traffic this time of day, so I’ll expect you are X+45”
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Super-Agreeables
Be ready to compromise They are experts at the Win-Win situation
Be ready to give a little so that all parties can walk away feeling good about the situation.
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Negative People
“That won’t work” “It’s no use trying” “We tried that last year” “Forget it, they will never let us do it”
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Negative People
They are not aware of this underlying loss of faith in the future.
They see instead a constant flow of reasons why life's events cannot be dealt with in a positive way.
They believe that those in power cannot be trusted or will not act reasonably or consistently. They are angry and full of resentful acceptance of the fates.
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Negative People
Negativists are people who, while at times are capable, have a deep seated conviction that any task not in their hands will fail.
Their negativism is elicited by others attempts to solve a problem or improve a procedure.
Because they believe others in power don’t care or are self-serving, their negative statements are made with conviction.
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Negative People
Avoid getting drawn in Negative people can touch that potential
for depression in each of us.
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Negative People
State Realistic Optimism Use real examples of past successes or
use analogy of current work
Don’t go for pie in the sky. Set real goals!
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Negative People
Don’t Argue It is a waste of time and will only frustrate
you. They are firmly convinced they are right. They are sure of what will NOT work, you are not sure of what will.
Provide alternatives
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Negative People
Don’t rush in: Fast answers to every question may not
success and only strengthen their point.
Negativists tend to lose substance when discussing problems rather that proposing solutions for them to “shoot-down”
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Negative People
Set the Horror limit: “Look, suppose we got that account. Yes, I
know Bob thinks we cannot manage it, but what if we got it. What is the worst that can happen?”
Define the limits in the discussion and set the context on how negative views are to be interpreted.
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Negative People
Use Negativism Constructively Once you have separated the
hopelessness and helplessness from the substance of the negative comments, you can listen to their advise as counterweights to the over-optimism of others.
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Negative People
Be ready to go it alone They may try to sabotage you or go around
you, but more often they will grudgingly offer skeptical help.
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Negative People
Review Be alert to the potential for being dragged
down into despair Make optimistic but realistic statements
about past successes Don’t try to argue away their pessimism Do not offer solutions until the problems
are thoroughly discussed.
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Negative People
Review When alternative solution is considered, raise the
question yourself about negative results before they have a chance.
See the negativity as potential problems to overcome
Be ready to take action on your own Beware of eliciting negative responses from highly
analytic people by asking them to act before they are ready.
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Know-it-alls
Bulldozers Do indeed know a great deal
Balloons Do not know it all. Have to pretend!
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Know-it-alls -Bulldozers
Highly productive, thorough, accurate thinkers
Competent careful plans Carry through even when obstacles are
great. Exude feeling of power that they don’t
need anyone else
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Know-it-alls -Bulldozers
They leave others feeling like objects of condescension.
While usually right, they leave others feeling inept, confused or stupid.
Can elicit resistant, self-defeating behavior from others.
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Know-it-alls -Bulldozers
Leave little room for anyone else’s judgment, creativity or resourcefulness
Once they have set a plan in motion, they are almost impossible to stop, even when it looks like a failure.
When things go wrong, it is always someone else at fault.
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Know-it-alls -Bulldozers
Bulldozers have in common with non-difficult experts a strong sense that the accumulation and ordering of facts and knowledge can provide stability in a relatively whimsical world.
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Know-it-alls -Bulldozers
They believe that the power to affect their lives resides in them, and therefore tend to see the ideas of others as irrelevant to their own purposes.
The “know-it-all” quality that seems appropriate and equated with strength in their early lives has become associated with superiority and certainty of knowledge.
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Know-it-alls -Bulldozers
Coping Present alternative plans without attacking
or directly challenging their expertise. Do your homework Listen and acknowledge Question and suggest Don’t challenge
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Know-it-alls -Bulldozers
Do your homework If you come in unprepared they will mow
you down or dismiss you outright as incompetent
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Know-it-alls -Bulldozers
Listen and acknowledge Bulldozers do know something. You might
learn it along the way. Acknowledgement demonstrates your
understanding.
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Know-it-alls -Bulldozers
Question and Suggest Don’t confront, but be firm!
“Please explain to me why you think this will help?”
Don’t say “Okay, hot-shot, how come you can’t see this point?”
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Know-it-alls -Bulldozers
Alternatives as a detour “ I realize that this is not where we were going, but
lets take a minute to see if there are any useful ideas here.”
Extension Questions “How would that look in print?” “Where will this project be a year from now?”
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Know-it-alls -Bulldozers
As a last resort, choose to subordinate yourself to avoid static and perhaps build a relationship of equality in the future.
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Know-it-alls
Balloons: The Phony Know-it-alls An object with thin flexible walls filled with hot air.
They speak with great authority about subjects of which they have little or no knowledge.
They are not liars, they really believe what they are saying
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Know-it-alls -Balloons
An overwhelming desire to be admired and respected by others drives the balloons.
How better to achieve this than to be the “expert” on any topic being discussed.
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Know-it-alls -Balloons
Events that reinforce their behavior go like this: I want them to see how brilliant I am. What I am thinking sounds plausible, so its
probably true. If it is true, why not say so. Well, nobody is calling me a liar, so I guess
it is true. Now I know I am brilliant.
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Know-it-alls -Balloons
Balloons seek the admiration and respect of others by acting like expects when they are not
They often are only partially aware that they are speaking beyond their knowledge.
They are alert and curious about new information. This leads to trouble when sketchy or abbreviated information is asserted as a full and accurate picture of a situation.
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Know-it-alls -Balloons
Coping The key is to establish the facts without
quashing the person or making them out to be either a charlatan or a fools.Especially if they are your superior!
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Know-it-alls -Balloons
State correct facts or alternative opinions as descriptively as possible and as your own perceptions of reality.
Provide a means for the Balloon to save face. Be ready to fill in the conversation gap
yourself. Cope with a Balloon when he or she is alone,
when possible.
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Indecisive Staller
When you depend on other people to do things for you- sending letters, signing checks/forms, turning in work- nothing is more maddening to find out they have done nothing because they cannot make up their minds about how to proceed.
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Indecisive Staller
Stallers have a tendency to put off major decisions until they “go away”. If it where not for the fact you needed them for some thing, let them be as indecisive as they wish.
Stallers avoid decision making to a absurd and unproductive limit.
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Indecisive Staller
Almost always pleasant and supportive Will nod and agree in a meeting Will ask pertinent questions Will not follow up with any action.
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Indecisive Staller
Understanding this behavior: They are usually people that want to be
helpful, but to everyone. For every important decision they must
make they see there will be potential disappointment or distress to someone else.
Want to contribute to the greater welfare of EVERYONE!
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Indecisive Staller
Understanding Want to do what is right and proper, rather
than what is expedient. They place such an emphasis on quality
and value, they may sit on a plan that does not “measure up”.
They cannot bring themselves to do an job “quick and dirty”.
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Indecisive Staller
They apply these heroic standards to their decisions and to you as well.
They can become disappointed and angry if you do not seem to care or have the same level of commitment they present to a project.
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Indecisive Staller
Their major tactic is to stall everyone long enough that the need for a decision disappears. “Can I do this now?”? “Wait till you father gets home.”… “Dad’s home, now can I do this?” Its too late for that.”
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Indecisive Staller
Procrastination leads to greater toll for all concerned: Alternatives ways are not considered Others loss enthusiasm and commitment Stallers feel high levels of tension as the
demands increase upon them and are more likely to defer further.
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Indecisive Staller
Experts on indirect communication Instead of candid feedback and criticism,
they use hints and vague allusions. In general we accept this, as most times
we do not like to hear negative comments on our work or project.
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Indecisive Staller
Coping Surface the issues Help them Problem Solve Rank-Order Alternatives Link your plan to Quality and Service
Values
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Indecisive Staller
Surface the issues Make it easy for them
“Even a good project has some points that are not the best. Can we talk about these?”
If you can open the door to talk about the little things the rest will follow.
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Indecisive Staller
Surface the issues Pursue sings of indirection
“This is a generally a good report” “This is what should be done”
Terms like “generally” and “should” are indications they are wavering.
What specifically is NOT good in the report? What do we need to get it done?
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Indecisive Staller
Surface the Issues Consider it might be YOU.
They don’t think you are experienced enough or can handle the situation, but are not willing to confront you with the information. They are skillful at helping you NOT face reality.
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Indecisive Staller
Help them Problem Solve If it’s you:
Acknowledge your weakness. They are usually open to requests for help
State facts nondefensively: “Did you know that if you did this, you could get that?”
Present a plan: If you are willing to sacrifice something without looking hurt, they will usually open up.
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Indecisive Staller
Help them Problem Solve If it’s NOT you:
Asking Questions to define the problems “Is there a time when this can be done?” “Would it be helpful to have someone sit in on
our conversation?”
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Indecisive Staller
Rank-Order Alternatives Limit to no more than two or three. Five
would be insurmountable. “Lets look at the options, then pick out the
best two to work with”
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Indecisive Staller
Link your plan to Quality and Service Values Whenever possible, but only if it’s true,
point out why your alternative has superior qualities.
Link your plan to specific benefits to family, customers, clients, members.
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Indecisive Staller
Follow up Give support after the decision is made.
They may have seconds thoughts and retract a decision.
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Indecisive Staller
Keep Control, Set limits: “Okay, this is my understanding, if I don’t
hear from you in two days, I can go ahead and order that part.”
“Fine, thank you. I will stop by tomorrow to pick that up from you.”
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Indecisive Staller
Watch for Overload If pushed they can explode and make a
decision completely contrary to your intended goal.
Once they make a impulsive decision they often refuse to reconsider them.