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Communication to Prevent and Manage Conflict

Facilitators: Nayla Mitha

and Louis Cormier

Informal Conflict Management Office Ottawa, November 13th 2013,

Listening is not “waiting for your turn to speak.”Silken Laumann, Athlete (Rowing)

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Workshop Objectives

1. Understand the importance of active listening

2. Identify barriers to communication

3. To learn some communication techniques and a model which foster collaboration

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INTRODUCE YOURSELF

Name

Where you work

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• Introduction• Active listening concept• Barriers to effective communication• Emotions and Values• Self–evaluation of your listening skills• How to communicate effectively• Collaborative discussion model• Closing

AGENDA

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Concept of Active ListeningA. What is?/ is not?

- Agreeing, judgment

B. Why? - To gather information from another party

- To improve communication- To achieve your intentions related to a conversation- To build trust/relationships/leadership capacity/connection

C. How?- By concentrating/making an effort and by investing time- By hearing words, non verbals and acknowledging feelings- By intending …- Listening Techniques

D. Barriers- Emotions and values- Judgment and intentions- Beliefs- Perception/interpretations

«Few motives in human experience are as powerful

as the yearning to be understood. Being listened

to means that we are taken seriously, that our

ideas and feelings are known and, ultimately, that

what we have to say matters.  »

(in short , « that we are important »)

M. Nichols, The Lost Art of Listening, p. 9)

DEFINITION OF ACTIVE LISTENING

• The capacity to really understand the message based on the words and non-verbal communication with true empathy and curiosity.

• Listening is not agreeing ; it is the will to understand the perspective of others while remaining open to the other person’s experience.

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ACTIVE LISTENING allows you … …

• to gather information • to improve communication• to build relationship, trust, connection• to develop leadership capacity• to achieve your intention related to a

conversation (including emotional venting)• to collaborate

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ACTIVE Listening …

is an essential

element of emotional

intelligence.

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IQ,TQ, EQ

• IQ: intellectual quotient (verbal abilities, mathematic, spatial, analytics, etc.)

• TQ: technical quotient (manual abilities, logics, etc.)

• EQ: emotional quotient (empathy, listening, initiative, adaptability, managing emotions, ability to convince, introspection, etc.)

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People will forget what you have said, they will forget what you have done. However, they will

never forget how they felt in your presence. The emotionnal brain

records everything. Isabelle Fontaine,

Atelier ‘L’art de surfer sur le changement:

ruses et stratégies”, Mars, 2011

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HOW TO LISTEN ACTIVELY

• With curiosity and empathy• By suspending our own concern’s and reactions• By being conscious of our own beliefs and

understanding our emotions• By acknowledging the other party’s thought and

feelings• By being patient and investing the time to listening• To give the benefit of the doubt  

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Jewelery store activity

• A business person was about to lock up the jewelry store when a man holding a bag pushed his way in. He demanded that one of the jewelry cases be opened. The owner unlocked the jewelry case, and its contents were removed. A dog appeared and began barking. The man ran away.

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BARRIERS TO ACTIVE LISTENING

• By arguing what is said• Strong and/or unexpressed emotions• Attempting to convince the other party

• Assuming / Interrupting

• Giving advice, suggesting solutions

• Trying to be right and make your point• lack of attention, distractions• talking too much

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BARRIERS TO ACTIVE LISTENING

• Thinking of your response• Time pressure• Selective listening• Being judgemental, critical• Ignoring non-verbal clues• Vocabulary and jargon• Fatigue• Being black and white

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• Strong instinctive or intuitive feelings

• Signals telling us to stop and think

• Barriers to effective communication

• Powerful, always present and difficult to manage

• Indicators of a state of being (+ or -)

• Happening to us all

• Difficult to identify

• Faster than our thoughts

• Complex and more nuanced than we usually imagine

Emotions are / may be;

• Core principles that guide us in so many ways.

• Personal to us and originate from family influences and upbringing, generational traits, education, religion, culture and so on.

• Organizational: – Values and Ethic Code for the Public Service

Values are / may be …

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Listening as an equation:

Listening with genuine curiosity (to learn something new)

+ Attempting to understand (the other person’s reality)

- Judgement

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Listening as an equation:= Agreeing to change your mind;

= Increases your knowledge of a situation, as this person sees it;

= ‘I care for what you have to say’ (builds ‘connection’);

the other person’s resistance to change;

Will likely get you respect (from other);

May even win you other’s support (to an idea/plan they did not initially agree with).

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LISTENING SKILLS EVALUATION EXERCISE

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Conversation « cocktail »

AttitudeSavoir-être

SkillSavoir-faire

KnowledgeSavoir

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Attitude-based

– Empathy;

– “Seek to understand before being understood”;

– AND;

– L.I.S.T.E.N. = S.I.L.E.N.T.;

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Skills-based

– Open and closed questions;

– Reflecting;

– Summarizing;

– 4F (Feeling First Facts Follow);

– The “ I” statement

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Knowledge (content)

- Facts (issues and feelings)

- Interest• Needs• Concerns• Values• Expectations• Desire• Beliefs• Etc (what is important for you)

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Three Ways of Communicating

Messages are transmitted via

the following:

Control

Impacts

Words: 7%

Para-language (e.g. tone,

speed): 38%

Body language:

55%

High

Average

Weak

During emotionally charged conversations

Collaborative Discussion

Model

  

 

Collaborative Discussion

Competitive Discussion

Focused on what matters to me and you and why

Satisfies both people

Work with the other person

Define the problem(s) to be solved, explore why it’s important to both of us, develop multiple options, seek the most

appropriate solution

Focused on the problem without making it personal

Focussed what matters to me

Satisfy yourself only

Work against the other person

Focus on positions, concessions and bargaining

Focused on the problem and may become personal

VS

1. Problem/Issue

What is the issue?

2. SolutionWhat is the Solution to fix it?

   

Problem Solving Model

2.Needs/InterestsWhat is important and why?

3. OptionsHow can we meet the identified needs? 

1. Problem/Issue

What needs to be resolved?

4. SolutionWhich are the best options to resolve this?

   

Collaborative Discussion Model

Conflict Revisited - (For yourself)

Identify a real workplace conflict?

Write what the conflict is about?(Parties, history, trigger event and impact)

What is the main issue?

What action has been taken so far?

• SOLO• 5 minutes

A.A. PreparePrepare to deal with the Issue to deal with the Issue

• What do you really want for yourself? For the other? For the relationship?

• How will you start the conversation? (write a sample opening)

• What are your underlying needs in this situation?

• What are the top 2 or 3 things that you need to say to the other person?

• What do you think the other person’s underlying needs are?

• List 3 open-ended questions that you can you ask the other person to better understand their perspective.

• Putting yourself in the other person’s shoes, what does the other person need to hear from you?

• What might trigger you in this conversation and how can you manage this?

• What might trigger the other person in this conversation and how can you help minimize this?

• What will you do if the situation is not resolved through this discussion?

Stage 1 – The issue

Stage 1 – The issue

B) How to raise the issue in a way that encourages collaboration?

Step 1 - State the situation as you see it, focusing on the problem (not the person), and using neutral non- accusatory words and tone.

Step 2 - Explain what is important for you and express what your intent in addressing this is.

Step 3 - Seek agreement on the issues and invite the other person to work with you to resolve them through a collaborative discussion.

Exercise - Raise the following issues

1. “The meetings you keep calling cut into my working time too much. I feel like I am losing too much time!”

2. “I think I told you before, I need more detail on the quarterly balance sheet and you never take that request into account.”

• LGD - 5 min

Exercise - Raise the following issues

1. “The meetings you keep calling cut into my working time too much. I feel like I am losing too much time!”

2. “I think I told you before, I need more detail on the quarterly balance sheet and you never take that request into account.”

• LGD - 5 min

Stage 1 – The issue

• C) Introduction : Starting the conversation respectfully and safely

1. Thank the other person for coming

2. Set the tone for a collaborative discussion (express your positive intent and your confidence in sorting it out with her/him)

3. Focus on the issue not the person

4. State what is important for you

5. Express your hope at the end of the discussion

6. Guidelines for communications and confidentiality

What’s your favourite hobby?

My Position Your Position

My Interests My Interests (needs)(needs)

Shared Shared interestsinterests

Your Your Interests Interests (needs) (needs)

 

Position to Interests

Stage 2 - Interests (Needs)

A. Listen to the other person and share your perspective

1.1. Invite a description from the other person about the Invite a description from the other person about the situation. situation.

2.2. Listen carefully (seek to understand before being Listen carefully (seek to understand before being understood) to what bothers and matters for the other party understood) to what bothers and matters for the other party

3.3. Reflecting/summarizing – to ensure you‘ve understood and Reflecting/summarizing – to ensure you‘ve understood and the other person feels heard and understoodthe other person feels heard and understood

4.4. Describe your perspective of the situation and talk about Describe your perspective of the situation and talk about how the situation is affecting you using “I” Statementshow the situation is affecting you using “I” Statements

5.5. Summarize emphasising any similaritiesSummarize emphasising any similarities

Stage 2 - Interests (Needs)

• B. Identify and share interests

1.1. Ask questionsAsk questions to get clarity about: Why this is an issue?Why this is an issue? What matters and why?What matters and why? What is driving or motivating the other person to act a What is driving or motivating the other person to act a

certain way?certain way?• 2.2. Share what’s important for you (using I-statements)Share what’s important for you (using I-statements)• 3.3. Summarize the common ground and the divergent Summarize the common ground and the divergent

interestsinterests•

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PEACH BFV

P

E

A

C

H

BF

V

What are your priorities?

What are your expectations?

What are your assumptions about this situation?

What are your concerns?

What are your hopes?

What are your beliefs?

What are your fears?

What values might be undermined for you in this situation?

Getting at Interests

• Tell me more about what’s important to you about that?

Self-Reflection

• What could be the underlying interests and needs of the people involved in your conflict situation?

Stage 3 - Options

• A. Brainstorming:

1. The aim is to maximize the number of options, not to find ‘The Best Solution’

2. All options, fragments of ideas, etc. are noted, without comment

3. There needs be no buy-in to the ideas at this moment

• What criteria should your options respect?

Stage 3 - Options

Stage 3 - Options

B.B. Evaluate options:Evaluate options:

• The second step in the options stage is evaluating which options best meet everyone’s interests as well as ensuring that the options are “do-able”.

Self-Reflection

What options could best satisfy all the interests and needs involved in your conflict situation?

3 minutes

Process

 

Stage 4Stage 4: Agreement and Closure Agreement and Closure

Which are the best options to resolve this?

Stage 4: Agreement and Closure

1.1. Be very specific (what, who, when, Be very specific (what, who, when, where and how)where and how)

2.2. Include what to do if part of the Include what to do if part of the agreement isn’t followed through.agreement isn’t followed through.

3. What if the situation re-occurs?

4.4. Follow up?Follow up?

5.5. Revisit confidentiality Revisit confidentiality

6.6. Have closureHave closure

A Road Map

2. NeedsWhat is important and why?

3. OptionsHow can we resolve this?

1. Problem/IssueWhat needs to be resolved?

4. SolutionWhich options are best to affect a mutually satisfying resolution?

Collaborative Communication Model (CCM).ppt

Intro:To begin the conversation in an

inviting manner.

Communication skills:Tools and skills to move from positions to interests

Brainstorm:Create a list of options

Evaluate options:Narrow down the list of options to a few ones that will meet their interests, that are do-able, durable, etc.

Issue:Framing, describing and identifying issues, in a neutral manner, to be addressed during the conversation.

Closure and agreement:Confirm and finalize the agreement so both have similar understanding.

Needs:Discovery and exchange of interests and needs to provide the raw material for creation of options.

Inviting:Requesting to meet and have a conversation

Preparation:Preparing / getting ready for the conversation

• I've learned that people will forget • what you said, people will forget

• what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

• Maya Angelou

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Phone: 1-855-862-2198

THANK YOU!