Parenting Issues

InAdult

IndividualPsychotherap

y

ATherapist’s

Toolbox

Outline Bona Fides Session Goals Personal Goals Nature Nurture Normal versus Troubled Parenting Toolbox Talking shop

Bona FidesPh.D. in Clinical Psychology (Child and Adolescent)Private Practice in Adolescent and Family Therapy (20+ years)Therapeutic Traditions

• Systems Theory• Solution Oriented/Problem Focused• Cognitive Behavioral• Motivation• Positive Psychology

Raising Teens in the 21st Centurywww.drjameswellborn.com www.jamesgwellbornphd.com

Session Goals

A. Assist an adult client in distinguishing between normative and extreme adolescent parenting issues

B. Identify and apply 14 self-contained, generalizable parenting strategies adult clients can use to resolve a wide range of common parenting challenges

C. Describe the basics of effective praise, the elements of a successful family behavior contract and the components of a 3 tiered model of discipline

D. Translate and apply practical, self-contained parenting strategies within their psychotherapy framework

Personal Goals Clinical not empirical

Applied not theoretical

Conversational and interactive

Practical, self-contained formulas

Opportunity to talk shop

Nature

Diary of a Wimpy Kid Fox Film Distributors

Dispositional Characteristics

GregariousnessSensation SeekingShy/cautiousSociabilityOptimismPessimismSelf-controlHighly SensitiveReward orientedLow responsivity to punishmentBull Headed

Nurture

Baumrind’s

Baumrind, 1967Maccoby & Martin, 1983

Stage Time Period Task

Galinsky (1987)

6 Stages of Parenthood

Normal Parenting Issues• Frequent arguments• Slacking off on

schoolwork• Avoids

responsibilities• Talks back• Mild name calling

• Occasional yelling (1-2xmos)

• Sibling conflict• Normative rule

breaking• Surly and

uncommunicative• Pushes limits

Extreme Parenting Issues• Emotional or Mental

Health Issues• Extreme personality

disposition• Persistent academic

failure• Persistent lying, esp

when insignificant• Ignores or dismisses

punishment• Curses parents• Threats, intimidation or

assault

• Constant arguments• Screaming arguments• Criminal behavior• Repeated substance

use/abuse• Pervasively negative

interactions• Physically fights with

peers• Parents won’t quit

making it worse

Tools of the Trade

The Look of Love

5-to-1

No Talk Zones

30Second

Rule

Knock Before

Entering

The “Tone”

TimeOut

Anyone can call it Must call it on yourself Everyone must honor it Move to neutral space Set time to resume Meeting is sacrosanct

3Q3A

Notice Success

If/Then

Not Only/But Also

Do Overs

Argument Trap

Positive Discipline

Punishment Fits The Crime

Praise Liberally

(and sincerely)

How?Be positiveBe sincereBe specificPraise behavior not your kidTell them whyFocus on internal standardsBe realisticNo “but”sDon’t praise everythingDon’t payNormalize FailurePraise qualities you want them to exhibit

What?Things they can do or act on “That hard work paid off!”

not qualities they have “You’re so smart/talented.”Identify the positive

rather than pointing out the negativeBuild on success

rather than pointing out failurePursuing personal goals

rather than responding to external demandsThe WAY they did something “You worked hard for that A!”

not just the outcome “A+ That is great!”Mastery in the form of knowledge and skills

not just performance like victory or gradesImportant values or character traits

“I am so proud of how hard you worked.” not success at all costs “Those schlubs are such losers.”

Categories

SuccessEffortSkillInitiativePersistenceRisk takingCharacter.

CharacterIntegrityResponsibilityCompassionKindnessHonorHonestyGenerosityCourageHard WorkLeadership.

Character

but . . .

Character

Moral Credentialing(Monin & Miller, 2001)

Doing a good deed and feeling morally satisfied can result in subsequent moral violation

3

Tier

Consequences

Correct

Consequence

Confine

The Family Contract

If It Ain’t Broke Don’t Fix It

Lots of arguing?Kids don’t comply with direct instruction?Complicated family structure?Repeated conflict over an issue?Overscheduled family members?Family transitions?

Family ContractCommunication RulesCo-constructionMake A ListOne Thing At A TimeBe SpecificDay & TimeNo RemindersConsequence Tied to TaskReview and Revise

Talking Shop

The Look of Love5-to-1No Talk Zones3Q/3APraise LiberallyNotice Success30 Second RuleTime OutThe “Tone”

Do OversIf/ThenNot Only/But AlsoArgument TrapPositive DisciplinePunishment Fits

the Crime3 Tier

ConsequencesFamily Contract

www.DrJamesWellborn.comwww.JamesGWellbornPhD.com

Parenting Teens Newsletterwww.drjameswellborn.com/newsletter

Blogs www.DrJamesWellborn.com click on the “Articles” tab

Evaluationwww.drjameswellborn.com/survey

Resources

Bibliography

• Raising Teens in the 21st Century: A Practical Guide to Effective Parenting by James G. Wellborn, Ph.D. 

• Positive Discipline A to Z by Jane Nelsen, Lynn Lott & H. Stephen Glenn

• A Little Book of Parenting Skills: 52 Vital Practices to Help With the Most Important Job on the Planet by Mark Brady.

• How Not to Embarrass Your Kids: 250 Don’ts for Parents of Teens by Z. Elias & T. Goldman.

• How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber & E. Mazlish

• Yes, Your Teen is Crazy!: Loving Your Kid Without Losing Your Mind by Michael J. Bradley.

• The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families by Stephen R. Covey.

• But I’m Almost 13! : Raising a Responsible Adolescent by Kenneth R. Ginsburg and Martha M. Jablow 

• The Secrets of Happy Families: Eight Keys to Building a Lifetime of Connection and Contentment by Scott Haltzman

• Get Out Of My Life: But First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall? A Parent’s Guide to the New Teenager by A. E. Wolf

• http://drjameswellborn.com/references/