ALSOBYNATHANIELBRANDENHONORINGTHESELFHOWTORAISEYOURSELF-ESTEEM

AvailablefromBantamBooks

THESIXPILLARSOFSELF-ESTEEM

THESIXPILLARSOFSELF-ESTEEM

NathanielBranden

©2011NathanielBranden.Allrightsreserved.

Contents

CopyrightIntroduction

PARTISELF-ESTEEM:BASICPRINCIPLES1Self-Esteem:TheImmuneSystemofConsciousness2TheMeaningofSelf-Esteem3TheFaceofSelf-Esteem4TheIllusionofSelf-Esteem

PARTIIINTERNALSOURCESOFSELF-ESTEEM5TheFocusonAction6ThePracticeofLivingConsciously7ThePracticeofSelf-Acceptance8ThePracticeofSelf-Responsibility9ThePracticeofSelf-Assertiveness10ThePracticeofLivingPurposefully11ThePracticeofPersonalIntegrity12ThePhilosophyofSelf-Esteem

PART III EXTERNAL INFLUENCES: SELF ANDOTHERS13NurturingaChild’sSelf-Esteem14Self-EsteemintheSchools15Self-EsteemandWork16Self-EsteemandPsychotherapy17Self-EsteemandCulture18Conclusion:TheSeventhPillarofSelf-Esteem

APPENDIXA:CritiqueofOtherDefinitionsofSelf-EsteemAPPENDIXB:ASentence-CompletionExerciseforBuildingSelf-

Esteem

APPENDIXC:RecommendationsforFurtherStudyReferencesAcknowledgments

ToDeversBranden

Introduction

Mypurposeinthisbookistoidentify,ingreaterdepthandcomprehensivenessthan inmypreviouswritings, themost important factorsonwhichself-esteemdepends. If self-esteem is the health of the mind, then few subjects are ofcomparableurgency.

The turbulence of our times demands strong selves with a clear sense ofidentity, competence, and worth.With a breakdown of cultural consensus, anabsenceofworthyrolemodels,littleinthepublicarenatoinspireourallegiance,and disorientingly rapid change a permanent feature of our lives, it is adangerousmomentinhistorynottoknowwhoweareornottotrustourselves.Thestabilitywecannotfindintheworldwemustcreatewithinourownpersons.To face life with low self-esteem is to be at a severe disadvantage. Theseconsiderationsarepartofmymotivationinwritingthisbook.

Inessence,thebookconsistsofmyanswerstofourquestions:Whatisself-esteem?Whyisself-esteemimportant?Whatcanwedotoraisethelevelofourself-esteem?Whatroledoothersplayininfluencingourself-esteem?

Self-esteem is shapedbyboth internal andexternal factors.By“internal” Imean factors residingwithin,orgeneratedby, the individual—ideasorbeliefs,practices or behaviors. By “external” I mean factors in the environment:messagesverballyornonverballytransmitted,orexperiencesevoked,byparents,teachers,“significantothers,”organizations,andculture. Iexamineself-esteemfromtheinsideandtheoutside:Whatisthecontributionoftheindividualtohisorherself-esteemandwhat is thecontributionofotherpeople?To thebestofmyknowledge,noinvestigationofthisscopehasbeenattemptedbefore.

WhenIpublishedThePsychologyofSelf-Esteemin1969,ItoldmyselfIhadsaideverythingIcouldsayonthissubject.In1970,realizingthattherewere“afewmoreissues”Ineededtoaddress,IwroteBreakingFree.Then,in1972,“tofillinafewmoregaps,”IwroteTheDisownedSelf.After that, I toldmyselfIwas absolutely and totally finished with self-esteem and went on to write onother subjects. A decade or so passed, and I began to think about howmuchmoreIhadpersonallyexperiencedandlearnedaboutself-esteemsincemyfirstwork, so I decided to write “one last book” about it;Honoring the Self was

publishedin1983.AcoupleofyearslaterIthoughtitwouldbeusefultowriteanaction-orientedguideforindividualswhowantedtoworkontheirownself-esteem—HowtoRaiseYourSelf-Esteem,publishedin1986.SurelyIhadfinallyfinishedwiththissubject,Itoldmyself.Butduringthissameperiod,“theself-esteem movement” exploded across the country; everyone was talking aboutself-esteem; books were written, lectures and conferences were given—and Iwasnotenthusiasticaboutthequalityofwhatwasbeingpresentedtopeople.Ifoundmyselfinsomeratherheateddiscussionswithcolleagues.Whilesomeofwhatwasofferedonself-esteemwasexcellent, I thought thatagooddealwasnot.IrealizedhowmanyissuesIhadnotyetaddressed,howmanyquestionsIneededtoconsiderthatIhadnotconsideredbefore,andhowmuchIhadcarriedinmyheadbutneveractuallysaidorwritten.Aboveall,Isawthenecessityofgoing far beyond my earlier work in spelling out the factors that create andsustainhighorhealthyself-esteem.(Iuse“high”and“healthy”interchangeably.)Once again, I found myself drawn back to examine new aspects of thisinexhaustiblyrichfieldofstudy,andtothinkmywaydowntodeeperlevelsofunderstanding of what is, for me, the single most important psychologicalsubjectintheworld.

Iunderstoodthatwhathadbegunsomanyyearsbeforeasaninterest,orevenafascination,hadbecomeamission.

Speculatingontherootsofthispassion,Igobacktomyteenageyears,tothetimewhenemergingautonomycollidedwithpressuretoconform.Itisnoteasytowriteobjectivelyaboutthatperiod,andIdonotwishtosuggestanarroganceIdidnotanddonot feel.The truth is,asanadolescent Ihadan inarticulatebutsacredsenseofmissionaboutmylife.Ihadtheconvictionthatnothingmatteredmorethanretainingtheabilitytoseetheworldthroughmyowneyes.Ithoughtthat thatwashoweveryone should feel.Thisperspectivehasneverchanged. Iwasacutelyconsciousofthepressuresto“adapt”andtoabsorbthevaluesofthe“tribe”—family,community,andculture. It seemed tome thatwhatwasaskedwasthesurrenderofmyjudgmentandalsomyconvictionthatmylifeandwhatI made of it was of the highest possible value. I saw my contemporariessurrendering and losing their fire—and, sometimes in painful, lonelybewilderment,Iwantedtounderstandwhy.Whywasgrowingupequatedwithgiving up? If my overriding drive since childhood was for understanding,anotherdesire,hardlylessintense,wasformingbutnotyetfullyconscious:thedesire to communicate my understanding to the world; above all, tocommunicatemyvisionoflife.ItwasyearsbeforeIrealizedthat,atthedeepestlevel,Iexperiencedmyselfasateacher—ateacherofvalues.Underneathallmywork,thecoreideaIwantedtoteachwas:Yourlifeisimportant.Honorit.Fight

foryourhighestpossibilities.Ihadmyownstruggleswithself-esteem,andIgiveexamplesoftheminthis

book.Thefullcontextisgiveninmymemoir,JudgmentDay.IshallnotpretendthateverythingIknowaboutself-esteemI learnedfrompsychotherapyclients.SomeofthemostimportantthingsIlearnedcamefromthinkingaboutmyownmistakes and from noticing what I did that lowered or raised my own self-esteem.Iwrite,inpart,asateachertomyself.

ItwouldbefoolishformetodeclarethatIhavenowwrittenmyfinalreporton“thepsychologyofself-esteem.”Butthisbookdoesfeelliketheclimaxofalltheworkthatprecededit.

Ifirstlecturedonself-esteemanditsimpactonlove,work,andthestruggleforhappinessinthelate1950sandpublishedmyfirstarticlesonthesubjectinthe1960s.Thechallenge thenwas togainpublicunderstandingof its importance.“Self-esteem”wasnotyet anexpression inwidespreaduse.Today, thedangermaybethattheideahasbecomefashionable.Itisoneveryone’stongue,whichisnot tosaythat it isbetterunderstood.Yet ifweareunclearabout itsprecisemeaningandaboutthespecificfactorsitssuccessfulattainmentdependson—ifwearecarelessinourthinking,orsuccumbtotheoversimplificationsandsugar-coatingsofpoppsychology—thenthesubjectwillsufferafateworsethanbeingignored.Itwillbecometrivialized.Thatiswhy,inPartI,webeginourinquiryintothesourcesofself-esteemwithanexaminationofwhatself-esteemisandisnot.

When I first began struggling with questions concerning self-esteem fortyyears ago, I saw the subject as providing invaluable clues to understandingmotivation.Itwas1954.Iwastwenty-fouryearsofage,studyingpsychologyatNewYorkUniversity,andwithasmallpsychotherapypractice.Reflectingonthestories I heard from clients, I looked for a common denominator, and I wasstruck by the fact that whatever the person’s particular complaint, there wasalwaysadeeperissue:asenseofinadequacy,ofnotbeing“enough,”afeelingofguiltorshameorinferiority,aclearlackofself-acceptance,self-trust,andself-love.Inotherwords,aproblemofself-esteem.

InhisearlywritingsSigmundFreudsuggestedthatneuroticsymptomscouldbeunderstoodeitherasdirectexpressionsofanxietyorelseasdefensesagainstanxiety,whichseemedtometobeahypothesisofgreatprofundity.NowIbeganto wonder if the complaints or symptoms I encountered could be understoodeitherasdirectexpressionsof inadequate self-esteem(forexample, feelingsofworthlessness, or extreme passivity, or a sense of futility) or else as defenses

against inadequate self-esteem (for example, grandiose bragging and boasting,compulsive sexual “acting-out,”orovercontrolling socialbehavior). I continueto find this idea compelling. Where Freud thought in terms of ego defensemechanisms, strategies to avoid the threat to the ego’s equilibrium representedbyanxiety,todayIthinkintermsofself-esteemdefensemechanisms,strategiesto defend against any kind of threat, from any quarter, internal or external, toself-esteem (orone’spretenseat it). Inotherwords, all the famous“defenses”thatFreudidentifiedcanbeunderstoodaseffortstoprotectself-esteem.

WhenIwenttothelibraryinsearchofinformationaboutself-esteem,almostnonewastobefound.Theindexesofbooksonpsychologydidnotcontaintheterm.Eventually I found a fewbriefmentions, such as inWilliam James, butnothing that seemed sufficiently fundamental or that brought the clarity Iwasseeking. Freud suggested that low “self-regard” was caused by a child’sdiscoverythatheorshecouldnothavesexualintercoursewithMotherorFather,which resulted in the helpless feeling, “I can do nothing.” I did not find thispersuasive or illuminating as an explanation. Alfred Adler suggested thateveryone starts outwith feelings of inferiority caused, first, by bringing somephysical liabilityor “organ inferiority” into theworld, and second,by the factthateveryoneelse(thatis,grown-upsoroldersiblings)isbiggerandstronger.Inotherwords,ourmisfortuneisthatwearenotbornasperfectlyformedmatureadults.Ididnotfindthishelpful,either.Afewpsychoanalystswroteaboutself-esteem,butintermsIfoundremotefrommyunderstandingoftheidea,sothatitwasalmost as if theywere studyinganother subject. (Onlymuch later could Iseesomeconnectionbetweenaspectsofthatworkandmyown.)Istruggledtoclarify and expandmyunderstanding chieflyby reflectingonwhat I observedwhileworkingwithpeople.

Astheissueofself-esteemcamemoreclearlyintofocusforme,Isawthatitisaprofoundandpowerfulhumanneed,essential tohealthyadaptiveness, thatis, to optimal functioning and self-fulfillment. To the extent that the need isfrustrated,wesufferandarethwartedinourdevelopment.

Apartfromdisturbanceswhoserootsarebiological,Icannotthinkofasinglepsychological problem—fromanxiety anddepression, tounder-achievement atschooloratwork,tofearofintimacy,happiness,orsuccess,toalcoholordrugabuse, to spouse battering or child molestation, to co-dependency and sexualdisorders,topassivityandchronicaimlessness,tosuicideandcrimesofviolence—thatisnottraceable,atleastinpart,totheproblemofdeficientself-esteem.Ofall the judgmentswe pass in life, none is as important as the onewe pass onourselves.

I recall discussing the issue with colleagues during the 1960s. No one

debatedthesubject’simportance.Noonedeniedthatifwayscouldbefoundtoraise the levelof aperson’s self-esteem,anynumberofpositiveconsequenceswouldfollow.“Buthowdoyouraiseanadult’sself-esteem?”wasaquestionIheardmore thanonce,withanoteofskepticismthat itcouldbedone.Aswasevidentfromtheirwritings,theissue—andthechallenge—werelargelyignored.

Pioneering family therapistVirginia Satir talked of the importance of self-esteem, but she was not a theoretician of the subject and said little about itsdynamicsexceptinalimitedfamilycontext.CarlRogers,anothergreatpioneerin psychotherapy, focused essentially on only one aspect of self-esteem—self-acceptance—andweshallseethatwhilethetwoareintimatelyrelated,theyarenotidenticalinmeaning.

Still,awarenessof the importanceof thetopicwasgrowing,andduringtheseventiesandeighties,anincreasingnumberofarticlesappearedinprofessionaljournals, aimed chiefly at establishing correlations between self-esteem andsomeaspectofbehavior.However, therewasnogeneral theoryof self-esteemnorevenanagreed-ondefinitionof the term.Differentwritersmeantdifferentthings by “self-esteem.” Consequently they often measured differentphenomena. Sometimes one set of findings seemed to invalidate another. ThefieldwasaTowerofBabel.Today there is stillnowidelyshareddefinitionofself-esteem.

In the1980s, the ideaofself-esteemcaughtfire.Afteraquietbuildupoverdecades,more andmore people began talking about its importance to humanwell-being.Educators in particular began thinking about the relevanceof self-esteem to success or failure at school.We have a National Council for Self-Esteem, with chapters opening in more and more cities. Almost every weeksomewhere in the country we have conferences in which discussions of self-esteemfigureprominently.

Theinterestinself-esteemisnotconfinedtotheUnitedStates.Itisbecomingworldwide.Inthesummerof1990Ihadtheprivilegeofdelivering,nearOslo,Norway, the opening keynote address at the First International Conference onSelf-Esteem. Educators, psychologists, and psychotherapists from the UnitedStates, Great Britain, and various countries in Europe, including the SovietUnion, streamed into Norway to attend lectures, seminars, and workshopsdevotedtodiscussionsoftheapplicationsofself-esteempsychologytopersonaldevelopment, school systems, social problems, and business organizations.Notwithstanding the differences among participants in background, culture,primary focus of interest, and understanding of what precisely “self-esteem”meant,theatmospherewaschargedwithexcitementandtheconvictionthatself-esteemwas an ideawhose historicalmoment had arrived.Growing out of the

Oslo conference, we now have an International Council on Self-Esteem,withmoreandmorecountriesbeingrepresented.

IntheformerSovietUnionasmallbutgrowinggroupofthinkersiskeenlyaware of the importance of self-esteem to the transitions their country isattempting to achieve. Commenting on the urgent need for education in self-esteem, a visiting Russian scholar remarked to me, “Not only are our peoplewithoutanytraditionofentrepreneurship,butourmanagershaveabsolutelynograspof the ideaofpersonal responsibilityandaccountability that theaverageAmericanmanager takes for granted.And you knowwhat a gigantic problempassivity and envy is here. The psychological changes we needmay be evenmoreformidablethanthepoliticaloreconomicchanges.”

Throughouttheworldthereisanawakeningtothefactthat,justasahumanbeing cannot hope to realize his or her potential without healthy self-esteem,neither can a societywhosemembers do not respect themselves, do not valuetheirpersons,donottrusttheirminds.

Butwithallofthesedevelopments,whatpreciselyself-esteemis—andwhatspecificallyitsattainmentdependson—remainthegreatquestions.

Atoneconference,whenIstatedthatthepracticeoflivingconsciouslywasessential to healthy self-esteem, onewoman demanded angrily, “Why are youtryingtoimposeyourwhite,middle-classvaluesontherestoftheworld?”(Thisleftmewonderingwhotheclassofhumanitywasforwhomlivingconsciouslywas not important to psychological well-being.) When I spoke of personalintegrityasvitaltotheprotectionofapositiveself-concept,andthebetrayalofintegrity as psychologically harmful, no one volunteered agreement orwantedthat idea recorded in our report. They preferred to focus only on how othersmight wound one’s feelings of worth, not how one might inflict the woundoneself. This attitude is typical of those who believe one’s self-esteem isprimarilydeterminedbyotherpeople. Iwillnotdeny thatexperiences suchasthese,andthefeelingstheyignite,haveintensifiedmydesiretowritethisbook.

Inworkingwithself-esteem,weneedtobeawareoftwodangers.Oneisthatofoversimplifyingwhathealthyself-esteemrequires,andtherebyofcateringtopeople’s hunger for quick fixes and effortless solutions. The other is that ofsurrendering to a kind of fatalism or determinism that assumes, in effect, thatindividuals “either have good self-esteem or they haven’t,” that everyone’sdestinyisset(forever?)bythefirstfewyearsoflife,andthere’snotmuchtobedone about it (except perhapsyearsor decadesof psychotherapy).Bothviewsencouragepassivity;bothobstructourvisionofwhatispossible.

Myexperienceisthatmostpeopleunderestimatetheirpowertochangeandgrow.Theybelieveimplicitlythatyesterday’spatternmustbetomorrow’s.They

do not see choices that—objectively—do exist. They rarely appreciate howmuchtheycandoontheirownbehalfifgenuinegrowthandhigherself-esteemaretheirgoalsandif theyarewillingtotakeresponsibilityfor theirownlives.Thebeliefthattheyarepowerlessbecomesaself-fulfillingprophecy.

Thisbook,ultimately,isacalltoaction.Itis,Inowrealize,anamplificationinpsychological termsof thebattlecryofmyyouth:Aself is tobeactualizedandcelebrated—notabortedand renounced.Thisbook isaddressed toallmenandwomenwhowishtoparticipateactivelyintheprocessoftheirevolution—aswellastopsychologists,parents,teachers,andthoseresponsibleforthecultureoforganizations.Itisabookaboutwhatispossible.

PARTI

Self-Esteem:BasicPrinciples

1

Self-Esteem:TheImmuneSystemofConsciousness

There are realities we cannot avoid. One of them is the importance of self-esteem.

Regardlessofwhatwedoordonot admit,wecannotbe indifferent toourself-evaluation. However, we can run from this knowledge if it makes usuncomfortable.Wecanshrugitoff,evadeit,declarethatweareonlyinterestedin “practical” matters, and escape into baseball or the evening news or thefinancialpagesorashoppingspreeorasexualadventureoradrink.

Yetself-esteemisafundamentalhumanneed.Itsimpactrequiresneitherourunderstandingnorour consent. Itworks itswaywithinuswithorwithoutourknowledge. We are free to seek to grasp the dynamics of self-esteem or toremain unconscious of them, but in the latter case we remain a mystery toourselvesandenduretheconsequences.

Letuslookattheroleofself-esteeminourlives.

APreliminaryDefinition By“self-esteem”Imeanmuchmorethanthatinnatesenseofself-worththatpresumably is our human birthright—that spark that psychotherapists andteachersseektofaninthosetheyworkwith.Thatsparkisonlytheanteroomtoself-esteem.

Self-esteem, fully realized, is the experience thatwe are appropriate to lifeandtotherequirementsoflife.Morespecifically,self-esteemis:

1.confidenceinourabilitytothink,confidenceinourabilitytocopewith

thebasicchallengesoflife;and

2.confidenceinourrighttobesuccessfulandhappy,thefeelingofbeingworthy, deserving, entitled to assert our needs and wants, achieve ourvalues,andenjoythefruitsofourefforts.

LaterIwillrefineandcondensethisdefinition.Idonotsharethebeliefthatself-esteemisagiftwehaveonlytoclaim(by

reciting affirmations, perhaps). On the contrary, its possession over timerepresentsanachievement.Thegoalof thisbook is toexamine thenatureandrootsofthatachievement.

TheBasicPattern To trust one’s mind and to know that one is worthy of happiness is theessenceofself-esteem.

Thepowerofthisconvictionaboutoneselfliesinthefactthatitismorethanajudgmentorafeeling.Itisamotivator.Itinspiresbehavior.

In turn, it is directly affected by how we act. Causation flows in bothdirections.Thereisacontinuousfeedbackloopbetweenouractionsintheworldand our self-esteem. The level of our self-esteem influences howwe act, andhowweactinfluencesthelevelofourself-esteem.

Totrustone’smindandtoknowthatoneisworthyofhappinessistheessenceofself-esteem.

If I trustmymindand judgment, Iammore likely tooperateasa thinking

being. Exercising my ability to think, bringing appropriate awareness to myactivities,mylifeworksbetter.Thisreinforcestrustinmymind.IfIdistrustmymind, I ammore likely to bementally passive, to bring less awareness than Ineed tomyactivities,and lesspersistence in thefaceofdifficulties.Whenmyactionsleadtodisappointingorpainfulresults,Ifeeljustifiedindistrustingmymind.

Withhighself-esteem,Iammorelikelytopersistinthefaceofdifficulties.Withlowself-esteem,Iammorelikelytogiveuporgothroughthemotionsoftrying without really giving my best. Research shows that high-self-esteemsubjectswillpersistatatasksignificantlylongerthanlow-self-esteemsubjects.1If I persevere, the likelihood is that Iwill succeedmore often than I fail. If I

don’t,thelikelihoodisthatIwillfailmoreoftenthanIsucceed.Eitherway,myviewofmyselfwillbereinforced.

If I respectmyselfand require thatothersdealwithme respectfully, I sendout signals and behave in ways that increase the likelihood that others willrespond appropriately. When they do, I am reinforced and confirmed in myinitialbelief.IfIlackself-respectandconsequentlyacceptdiscourtesy,abuse,orexploitation from others as natural, I unconsciously transmit this, and somepeoplewilltreatmeatmyself-estimate.Whenthishappens,andIsubmittoit,myself-respectdeterioratesstillmore.

Thevalueofself-esteemliesnotmerely in the fact that itallowsus to feelbetter but that it allows us to live better—to respond to challenges andopportunitiesmoreresourcefullyandmoreappropriately.

TheImpactofSelf-Esteem:GeneralObservations Thelevelofourself-esteemhasprofoundconsequencesforeveryaspectofourexistence:howweoperateintheworkplace,howwedealwithpeople,howhigh we are likely to rise, how much we are likely to achieve—and, in thepersonalrealm,withwhomwearelikelytofallinlove,howweinteractwithourspouse,children,andfriends,whatlevelofpersonalhappinessweattain.

Therearepositivecorrelationsbetweenhealthyself-esteemandavarietyofothertraitsthatbeardirectlyonourcapacityforachievementandforhappiness.Healthyself-esteemcorrelateswithrationality,realism,intuitiveness,creativity,independence, flexibility, ability tomanage change, willingness to admit (andcorrect)mistakes,benevolence,andcooperativeness.Poorself-esteemcorrelateswith irrationality, blindness to reality, rigidity, fear of the new and unfamiliar,inappropriate conformity or inappropriate rebelliousness, defensiveness,overcompliantorovercontrollingbehavior,andfearoforhostilitytowardothers.We shall see that there is a logic to these correlations. The implications forsurvival,adaptiveness,andpersonal fulfillmentareobvious.Self-esteem is lifesupportingandlifeenhancing.

High self-esteem seeks the challenge and stimulation of worthwhile anddemanding goals. Reaching such goals nurtures good self-esteem. Low self-esteemseeks thesafetyof thefamiliarandundemanding.Confiningoneself tothefamiliarandundemandingservestoweakenself-esteem.

The more solid our self-esteem, the better equipped we are to cope withtroublesthatariseinourpersonallivesorinourcareers; thequickerwearetopick ourselves up after a fall; the more energy we have to begin anew. (An

extraordinarily high number of successful entrepreneurs have two or morebankruptciesintheirpast;failuredidnotstopthem.)

Thehigherourself-esteem,themoreambitiouswetendtobe,notnecessarilyinacareerorfinancialsense,butintermsofwhatwehopetoexperienceinlife—emotionally, intellectually, creatively, spiritually. The lower our self-esteem,thelessweaspiretoandthelesswearelikelytoachieve.Eitherpathtendstobeself-reinforcingandself-perpetuating.

The higher our self-esteem, the stronger the drive to express ourselves,reflecting the sense of richness within. The lower our self-esteem, the moreurgent the need to “prove” ourselves—or to forget ourselves by livingmechanicallyandunconsciously.

The higher our self-esteem, the more open, honest, and appropriate ourcommunications are likely to be, becausewe believe our thoughts have valueandthereforewewelcomeratherthanfearclarity.Thelowerourself-esteem,themoremuddy, evasive, and inappropriate our communications are likely to be,becauseofuncertaintyaboutourownthoughtsandfeelingsand/oranxietyaboutthelistener’sresponse.

The higher our self-esteem, the more disposed we are to form nourishingratherthantoxicrelationships.Thereasonisthatlikeisdrawntolike,healthisattracted to health. Vitality and expansiveness in others are naturally moreappealingtopersonsofgoodself-esteemthanareemptinessanddependency.

An important principle of human relationships is thatwe tend to feelmostcomfortable,most “at home,”with personswhose self-esteem level resemblesourown.Oppositesmayattractaboutsomeissues,butnotaboutthisone.High-self-esteemindividualstendtobedrawntohigh-self-esteemindividuals.Wedonotseeapassionateloveaffair,forexample,betweenpersonsatoppositeendsoftheself-esteemcontinuum—justaswearenotlikelytoseeapassionateromancebetweenintelligenceandstupidity.(Iamnotsayingwemightneverseea“one-nightstand,”but that isanothermatter.NoteIamspeakingofpassionatelove,notabriefinfatuationorsexualepisode,whichcanoperatebyadifferentsetofdynamics.)Medium-self-esteem individuals are typically attracted tomedium-self-esteem individuals. Low self-esteem seeks low self-esteem in others—notconsciously, tobesure,butbythelogicofthatwhichleadsustofeelwehaveencountereda“soulmate.”Themostdisastrousrelationshipsarethosebetweenpersons who think poorly of themselves; the union of two abysses does notproduceaheight.

Wetendtofeelmostcomfortable,most“athome,”withpersonswhoseself-

esteemlevelresemblesourown.

Thehealthierour self-esteem, themore inclinedweare to treatotherswith

respect,benevolence,goodwill,andfairness—sincewedonot tendtoperceivethemas a threat, and since self-respect is the foundationof respect for others.With healthy self-esteem, we are not quick to interpret relationships inmalevolent, adversarial terms.We do not approach encounterswith automaticexpectations of rejection, humiliation, treachery, or betrayal. Contrary to thebelief that an individualistic orientation inclines one to antisocial behavior,research shows that a well-developed sense of personal value and autonomycorrelatessignificantlywithkindness,generosity,socialcooperation,andaspiritofmutualaid,asisconfirmed,forinstance,inA.S.Waterman’scomprehensivereviewoftheresearchinThePsychologyofIndividualism.

And finally, research discloses that high self-esteem is one of the bestpredictorsofpersonalhappiness,asisdiscussedinD.G.Meyers’ThePursuitofHappiness.Logicallyenough,lowself-esteemcorrelateswithunhappiness.

Love Itisnotdifficulttoseetheimportanceofself-esteemtosuccessinthearenaofintimaterelationships.Thereisnogreaterbarriertoromantichappinessthanthe fear that I amundeservingof loveand thatmydestiny is tobehurt.Suchfearsgivebirthtoself-fulfillingprophecies.

IfIenjoyafundamentalsenseofefficacyandworth,andexperiencemyselfas lovable, then I have a foundation for appreciating and loving others. Therelationship of love feels natural; benevolence and caring feel natural. I havesomething togive; Iamnot trapped infeelingsofdeficiency; Ihaveakindofemotional“surplus”thatIcanchannelintoloving.Andhappinessdoesnotmakemeanxious.Confidenceinmycompetenceandworth,andinyourabilitytoseeandappreciateit,alsogivesbirthtoself-fulfillingprophecies.

ThereisnogreaterbarriertoromantichappinessthanthefearthatIamundeservingofloveandthatmydestinyistobehurt.

ButifIlackrespectforandenjoymentofwhoIam,Ihaveverylittletogive

—exceptmyunfilledneeds.Inmyemotionalimpoverishment,Itendtoseeotherpeople essentially as sources of approval or disapproval. I do not appreciatethemforwhotheyareintheirownright.Iseeonlywhattheycanorcannotdoforme. Iamnot looking forpeoplewhomIcanadmireandwithwhomIcansharetheexcitementandadventureoflife.Iamlookingforpeoplewhowillnotcondemnme—andperhapswillbeimpressedbymypersona,thefaceIpresenttotheworld.Myabilitytoloveremainsundeveloped.Thisisoneofthereasonswhyattemptsatrelationshipssooftenfail—notbecausethevisionofpassionateorromanticloveisintrinsicallyirrational,butbecausetheself-esteemneededtosupportitisabsent.

Wehaveallheardtheobservation,“Ifyoudonotloveyourself,youwillbeunabletoloveothers.”Lesswellunderstoodistheotherhalfofthestory.IfIdonotfeellovable,itisverydifficulttobelievethatanyoneelselovesme.IfIdonot accept myself, how can I accept your love for me? Your warmth anddevotionareconfusing: itconfoundsmyself-concept,sinceI“know”Iamnotlovable.Yourfeelingformecannotpossiblybereal,reliable,orlasting.IfIdonot feel lovable, your love for me becomes an effort to fill a sieve, andeventuallytheeffortislikelytoexhaustyou.

EvenifIconsciouslydisownmyfeelingsofbeingunlovable,evenifIinsistthatIam“wonderful,”thepoorself-conceptremainsdeepwithintounderminemyattemptsatrelationships.UnwittinglyIbecomeasaboteuroflove.

Iattemptlovebutthefoundationofinnersecurityisnotthere.Insteadthereis the secret fear that I am destined only for pain. So I pick someone whoinevitablywillrejectorabandonme.(InthebeginningIpretendIdonotknowthis, so the drama can be played out.) Or, if I pick someone with whomhappinessmightbepossible,Isubverttherelationshipbydemandingexcessivereassurances, by venting irrational possessiveness, by making catastrophes ofsmall frictions, by seeking to control through subservience or domination, byfindingwaystorejectmypartnerbeforemypartnercanrejectme.

Afewvignetteswillconveyhowpoorself-esteemshowsupintheareaoftheintimatelypersonal:

“WhydoIalwaysfallforMr.Wrong?”awomanintherapyasksme.Herfather abandoned the family when she was seven, and on more than oneoccasionhermotherhadscreamedather,“Ifyouweren’t somuch trouble,maybeyourfatherwouldn’thaveleftus!”Asanadult,she“knows”thatherfateistobeabandoned.She“knows”thatshedoesnotdeservelove.Yetshelongsforarelationshipwithaman.Theconflictisresolvedbyselectingmen—oftenmarried—whoclearlydonotcareforherinawaythatwouldsustain

her for any length of time. She is proving that her tragic sense of life isjustified.

When we “know” we are doomed, we behave in ways to make reality

conformtoour“knowledge.”Weareanxiouswhenthereisdissonancebetweenour“knowledge”andtheperceivablefacts.Sinceour“knowledge”isnottobedoubtedorquestioned,itisthefactsthathavetobealtered:henceself-sabotage.

Aman falls in love, thewoman returns his feeling, and theymarry.Butnothingshecandoiseverenoughtomakehimfeellovedforlongerthanamoment; he is insatiable. However, she is so committed to him that sheperseveres.Whenatlastsheconvinceshimthatshereallyloveshimandheisnolongerabletodoubtit,hebeginstowonderwhetherhesethisstandardstoolow.Hewonderswhethersheisreallygoodenoughforhim.Eventuallyheleavesher,fallsinlovewithanotherwoman,andthedancebeginsagain.

EveryoneknowsthefamousGrouchoMarxjokethathewouldneverjoina

clubthatwouldhavehimforamember.Thatisexactlytheideabywhichsomelow-self-esteempeopleoperatetheirlovelife.Ifyouloveme,obviouslyyouarenot good enough for me. Only someone who will reject me is an acceptableobjectofmydevotion.

Awomanfeelscompelledtotellherhusband,whoadoresher,allthewaysinwhichotherwomenaresuperiortoher.Whenhedoesnotagree,sheridiculeshim.Themorepassionatelyheworshipsher, themorecruellyshedemeanshim.Finallysheexhaustshim,andhewalksoutoftheirmarriage.Sheishurtandastonished.Howcouldshehavesomisjudgedhim?shewonders.Soonshe tells herself, “I always knew no one could ever truly love me.” Shealwaysfeltshewasunlovableandnowshehasprovedit.

The tragedy of many people’s lives is that, given a choice between being

“right” and having an opportunity to be happy, they invariably choose being“right.”Thatistheoneultimatesatisfactiontheyallowthemselves.

Aman“knows”thatitisnothisdestinytobehappy.Hefeelshedoesnotdeserve to be. (And besides, his happiness might wound his parents, whohaveneverknownanyhappinessoftheirown.)Butwhenhefindsawomanheadmiresandwhoattractshim,andsheresponds,heishappy.Forawhile,he forgets that romantic fulfillment is not his “story,” not his “life script.”Surrendering to his joy, he temporarily forgets that it does violence to his

self-concept and thus makes him feel out of alignment with “reality.”Eventually,however,thejoytriggersanxiety,asitwouldhavetoforonewhofeels misaligned with the way things really are. To reduce his anxiety, hemust reduce his joy. So, guided unconsciously by the deepest logic of hisself-concept,hebeginstodestroytherelationship.

Onceagainweobservethebasicpatternofself-destruction:IfI“know”my

fateistobeunhappy,Imustnotallowrealitytoconfusemewithhappiness.Itisnot Iwhomust adjust to reality, but reality thatmust adjust tome and tomy“knowledge”ofthewaythingsareandaremeanttobe.

Notethatitisnotalwaysnecessarytodestroytherelationshipentirely,asinthe vignettes above. It may be acceptable that the relationship continue,providing I am not happy. I may engage in a project called struggling to behappy or working on our relationship. I may read books on the subject,participate in seminars, attend lectures, or enter psychotherapy with theannounced aim of being happy in the future. But not now; not today. Thepossibilityofhappinessinthepresentistooterrifyinglyimmediate.

Whatisrequiredformanyofus,paradoxicalthoughitmaysound,isthecouragetotoleratehappinesswithoutself-sabotage.

“Happinessanxiety”isverycommon.Happinesscanactivateinternalvoices

sayingIdon’tdeservethis,or itwillneverlast,orI’mridingforafall,orI’mkillingmymotherorfatherbybeinghappierthantheyeverwere,orlifeisnotlikethis,orpeoplewillbeenviousandhateme,orhappinessisonlyanillusion,ornobodyelseishappysowhyshouldIbe?

What is required formany of us, paradoxical though it may sound, is thecourage to tolerate happinesswithout self-sabotageuntil such time aswe losethefearofitandrealizethatitwillnotdestroyus(andneednotdisappear).Onedayatatime,Iwilltellclients;seeifyoucangetthroughtodaywithoutdoinganything toundermineor subvert yourgood feelings—and if you“fall off thewagon,”don’t despair, pull yourself backand recommityourself tohappiness.Suchperseveranceisself-esteembuilding.

Further, we need to confront those destructive voices, not run from them;engage them in inner dialogue; challenge them to give their reasons; patientlyanswerandrefutetheirnonsense—dealingwiththemasonemightdealwithrealpeople;anddistinguishthemfromthevoiceofouradultself.

TheWorkplace Next,considerworkplaceexamplesofbehaviorinspiredbypoorself-esteem:

Amanreceivesapromotioninhiscompanyandisswallowedbypanicatthethought of not possibly being able to master the new challenges andresponsibilities. “I’m an impostor! I don’t belong here!” he tells himself.Feeling inadvance thathe isdoomed,he isnotmotivated togivehis best.Unconsciously he begins a process of self-sabotage: coming to meetingsunderprepared,beingharshwithstaffoneminuteandplacatingandsolicitousthe next, clowning at inappropriate moments, ignoring signals ofdissatisfactionfromhisboss.Predictably,heisfired.“Iknewitwastoogoodtobetrue,”hetellshimself.

If I die bymy own hand, at least I am still in control; I sparemyself the

anxiety ofwaiting for destruction from someunknown source.The anxiety offeelingoutofcontrolisunbearable;ImustenditanywayIcan.

Amanagerreadsasuperb ideaproposedbyasubordinate, feelsasinkingsense of humiliation that the idea did not occur to her, imagines beingovertakenandsurpassedbythesubordinate—andbeginsplottingtoburytheproposal.

Thiskindofdestructiveenvyisaproductofanimpoverishedsenseofself.

Yourachievementthreatenstoexposemyemptiness;theworldwillsee—worsestill,Iwillsee—howinsignificantIam.Generositytowardtheachievementsofothersisemblematicofself-esteem.

Amanmeetshisnewboss—andisdismayedandangeredbecausethebossisawoman.Hefeelswoundedanddiminishedinhismasculinity.Hefantasizesdegrading her sexually—“putting her in her place.” His feeling of beingthreatenedshowsupassullenandsubtlyuncooperativebehavior.

Itwould be hard to name amore certain sign of poor self-esteem than the

needtoperceivesomeothergroupasinferior.Amanwhosenotionof“power”isstuck at the level of “sexual domination” is a man frightened of women,frightenedofabilityorself-assurance,frightenedoflife.

Itwouldbehardtonameamorecertainsignofpoorself-esteemthantheneedtoperceivesomeothergroupasinferior.

Theheadofaresearchanddevelopment labis informedthat thefirmhasbrought in a brilliant scientist from another company. He immediatelytranslates this tomean that his superiors are dissatisfiedwith his work, inspiteofmuchevidencetothecontrary.Heimagineshisauthorityandstatusslippingaway.Heimaginesthenewmaneventuallybeingappointedheadofthe department. In a fit of blind rebelliousness, he allows his work todeteriorate. When his lapses are gently pointed out to him, he lashes outdefensively—andquits.

Whenour illusionofself-esteemrestsonthefragilesupportofneverbeing

challenged,whenour insecurity findsevidenceof rejectionwhereno rejectionexists,thenitisonlyamatteroftimeuntilourinnerbombexplodes.Theformofthe explosion is self-destructive behavior—and the fact that onemay have anextraordinaryintelligenceisnoprotection.Brilliantpeoplewithlowself-esteemactagainsttheirinterestseveryday.

AnauditorfromanindependentaccountingfirmmeetswiththeCEOoftheclientorganization.Heknowsheneedstotellthismansomenewshewillnotwant to hear. Unconsciously he fantasizes being in the presence of hisintimidating father—and stutters and stammers and does not communicateonethirdofwhathehadintended.HishungerforthisCEO’sapproval,orthewishtoavoidhisdisapproval,over-whelmshisprofessionaljudgment.Later,afterputtingintohiswrittenreportall thethingsheshouldhavesaidtotheCEO inpersonbefore the reportwas released,when remedial actionmightstill have been possible, he sits in his office, trembling with anxiety,anticipatingtheCEO’sreaction.

Whenwearemovedprimarilybyfear,soonerorlaterweprecipitatethevery

calamitywedread.Ifwefearcondemnation,webehaveinwaysthatultimatelyelicitdisapproval.Ifwefearanger,eventuallywemakepeopleangry.

Awomanwhoisnewtothemarketingdepartmentofherfirmgetswhatshebelieves is a brilliant idea. She imagines putting it on paper, marshalingarguments to support it, working toward getting it to the person withauthority toact.Thenan innervoicewhispers,“Whoareyou tohavegoodideas? Don’t make yourself conspicuous. Do you want people to laugh atyou?” She imagines the angry face of her mother, who had always beenjealous of her intelligence; the wounded face of her father, who had been

threatenedby it.Withina fewdaysshecanbarelyrememberwhat the ideawas.

When we doubt our minds, we tend to discount its products. If we fear

intellectualself-assertiveness,perhapsassociatingitwithlossof love,wemuteour intelligence.Wedreadbeingvisible; sowemakeourselves invisible, thensufferbecausenooneseesus.

Heisabosswhoalwayshastoberight.Hetakespleasureinemphasizinghissuperiority.Inencounterswithstaff,hecannothearasuggestionwithoutthe urge to “massage it into something better,” something that “puts mystamp on it.” “Why aren’t my people more innovative?” he likes to say.“Whycan’t theybemorecreative?”Buthealso likes tosay,“There’sonlyonekingofthejungle”or,inmorerestrainedmoments,“Butsomeonehastoleadtheorganization.”Withapretenseatregrethewillsometimesdeclare,“Ican’t help it—I have a big ego.” The truth is, he has a small one, but hisenergiesareinvestedinneverknowingthat.

Onceagainwenotethatpoorself-esteemcanshowupaslackofgenerosity

towardthecontributionsofothersoratendencytofeartheirability—and,inthecaseofaleaderormanager,aninabilitytoelicittheirbestfrompeople.

Thepointof suchstories iscertainlynot tocondemnor ridicule thosewhosuffer from poor self-esteem but to alert us to the power of self-esteem ininfluencingourresponses.ProblemssuchasIamdescribingcanallbereversed.Butthefirststepistoappreciatethedynamicsinvolved.

Self-FulfillingProphecies Self-esteemcreatesasetofimplicitexpectationsaboutwhatispossibleandappropriatetous.Theseexpectationstendtogeneratetheactionsthatturnthemintorealities.Andtherealitiesconfirmandstrengthentheoriginalbeliefs.Self-esteem—highorlow—tendstobeageneratorofself-fulfillingprophecies.

Suchexpectationsmayexist in themindas subconsciousor semiconsciousvisionsofourfuture.EducationalpsychologistE.PaulTorrance,commentingonthe accumulating scientific evidence that our implicit assumptions about thefuture powerfully affect motivation, writes, “In fact, a person’s image of thefuture may be a better predictor of future attainment than his pastperformances.”2Whatwemakeanefforttolearnandwhatweachieveisbased,atleastinpart,onwhatwethinkispossibleandappropriatetous.

Self-esteem—highorlow—tendstobeageneratorofself-fulfillingprophecies.

Whileaninadequateself-esteemcanseverelylimitanindividual’saspirations

andaccomplishments,theconsequencesoftheproblemneednotbesoobvious.Sometimestheconsequencesshowupinmoreindirectways.Thetimebombofapoorself-conceptmayticksilentlyforyearswhileanindividual,drivenbyapassionforsuccessandexercisinggenuineability,mayrisehigherandhigherinhisprofession.Then,withoutrealnecessity,hestartscuttingcorners,morallyorlegally, inhis eagerness toprovidemore lavishdemonstrationsofhismastery.Thenhecommitsmoreflagrantoffensesstill,tellinghimselfthatheis“beyondgoodandevil,”asifchallengingtheFatestobringhimdown.Onlyattheend,whenhislifeandcareerexplodeindisgraceandruin,canweseeforhowmanyyearshehasbeenmovingrelentlesslytowardthefinalactofanunconsciouslifescripthemayhavebegunwritingattheageofthree.Itisnotdifficulttothinkofwell-publicizedfigureswhomightfitthisdescription.

Self-conceptisdestiny.Or,moreprecisely,ittendstobe.Ourself-conceptiswho andwhatwe consciously and subconsciously thinkwe are—our physicalandpsychological traits, our assets and liabilities, possibilities and limitations,strengthsandweaknesses.Aself-conceptcontainsorincludesourlevelofself-esteem,but ismoreglobal.Wecannotunderstandaperson’sbehaviorwithoutunderstandingtheself-conceptbehindit.

Inlessspectacularwaysthaninthestoryabove,peoplesabotagethemselvesattheheightoftheirsuccessallthetime.Theydosowhensuccessclasheswiththeir implicit beliefs aboutwhat is appropriate to them. It is frightening to beflung beyond the limits of one’s idea of who one is. If a self-concept cannotaccommodateagivenlevelofsuccess,andiftheself-conceptdoesnotchange,itispredictablethatthepersonwillfindwaystoself-sabotage.

Hereareexamplesfrommypsychotherapypractice:

“Iwason thevergeofgetting thebiggest commissionofmycareer,” anarchitect says,“andmyanxietyshot through the roof—because thisprojectwould have lifted me to a level of fame beyond anything I could havehandled.Ihadn’ttakenadrinkinthreeyears.SoItoldmyselfitwassafetohaveonedrink—tocelebrate. Iendedupsmashed, insulted thepeoplewhowouldhavegivenmetheassignment,lostitofcourse,andmypartnerwasso

enragedhequit onme. Iwasdevastated, but Iwasback in ‘safe territory’again,strugglingtorisebutnotyetbreakingthrough.I’mcomfortablethere.”

“Iwasdetermined,”saysawomanwhoownsasmallchainofboutiques,“nottobestoppedbymyhusbandoranyoneelse.IdidnotfaultmyhusbandbecauseheearnedlessthanIdid,andIwouldnotallowhimtofaultmeforearningmore thanhedid.But therewas thisvoice inside saying Iwasnotsupposed to be this successful—no woman was. I didn’t deserve it—nowomancould. Ibecamecareless.Neglected importantphonecalls.Becameirritablewithstaff—andcustomers.Andkeptgettingangrierandangrierwithmyhusband,withoutevernamingtherealissue.Afteraparticularlybadfightwithhim,Iwashavinglunchwithoneofourbuyers,andsomethingshesaidsetmeoff,andtherewasthisgreatbigblowup,rightthereintherestaurant.Ilost the account. I beganmaking inexcusablemistakes….Now, threeyearsandalotofnightmareslater,I’mtryingtobuildthebusinessbackupagain.”

“I was in line for a promotion I had wanted for a long time,” says anexecutive.“Mylifewasinperfectorder.Agoodmarriage;healthykidsdoingwell in school.And ithadbeenyears since I’d fooledaroundwithanotherwoman.Iftherewasaproblem,itwasonlythatIreallywantedmoremoney,andnowIseemedallsettogetit.ItwasanxietythattippedmeoverIwokeupinthemiddleofthenight,wonderingifIwerehavingaheartattack,butthedoctor said itwas justanxiety.Why itcame,whoknows?Sometimes IfeelI’mjustnotmeanttobetoohappy.Itfeelswrong.Idon’tthinkI’veeverfeltIdeservedit.Whateveritwas,theanxietykeptbuilding,andoneday,atan office party, I came on to the wife of one ofmy bosses—stupidly andclumsily.It’samiracleIwasn’tfired;whenshetoldherhusband,Iexpectedtobe.Ididn’tgetthepromotion,andtheanxietydieddown.”

What is the common element in these stories? Happiness anxiety; success

anxiety. The dread and disorientation that persons with poor self-esteemexperiencewhenlifegoeswellinwaysthatconflictwiththeirdeepestviewofthemselvesandofwhatisappropriatetothem.

Regardless of the context inwhich self-destructive behavior occurs, or theformittakes,themotorofsuchbehavioristhesame:poorself-esteem.Itispoorself-esteemthatplacesusinanadversarialrelationshiptoourwell-being.

Self-EsteemasaBasicNeed If thepowerofself-esteemderivesfromthefact that it isaprofoundneed,

whatpreciselyisaneed?A need is that which is required for our effective functioning.We do not

merelywantfoodandwater,weneedthem;withoutthem,wedie.However,wehaveothernutritionalneeds,suchasforcalcium,whoseimpactislessdirectanddramatic. In some regions in Mexico the soil contains no calcium; theinhabitantsof these regionsdonotperishoutright,but theirgrowth is stunted,theyaregenerallydebilitated,andtheyarepreytomanydiseases towhichthelackofcalciummakesthemhighlysusceptible.Theyareimpairedintheirabilitytofunction.

Self-esteem is a need analogous to calcium, rather than to food or water.Lackingittoaseriousdegree,wedonotnecessarilydie,butweareimpairedinourabilitytofunction.

Tosaythatself-esteemisaneedistosay:

Thatitmakesanessentialcontributiontothelifeprocess.Thatitisindispensabletonormalandhealthydevelopment.Thatithassurvivalvalue.

Weshouldnotethatsometimeslackofself-esteemdoeseventuateindeathinfairlydirectways—forexample,byadrugoverdose,defiantlyrecklessdrivingofanautomobile,remainingwithamurderouslyabusivespouse,participatingingangwars,orsuicide.However, formostofus theconsequencesofpoorself-esteem are subtler, less direct, more circuitous.Wemay need a good deal ofreflectionandself-examinationtoappreciatehowourdeepestviewofourselvesshowsupinthetenthousandchoicesthatadduptoourdestiny.

An inadequate self-esteem may reveal itself in a bad choice of mate, amarriage that brings only frustration, a career that never goes anywhere,aspirations that are somehow always sabotaged, promising ideas that diestillborn,amysteriousinabilitytoenjoysuccesses,destructiveeatingandlivinghabits,dreamsthatareneverfulfilled,chronicanxietyordepression,persistentlylowresistancetoillness,overdependenceondrugs,aninsatiablehungerforloveandapproval,childrenwholearnnothingofself-respectorthejoyofbeing.Inbrief,alifethatfeelslikealongstringofdefeats,forwhichtheonlyconsolation,perhaps,isthatsadmantra,“Sowho’shappy?”

When self-esteem is low, our resilience in the face of life’s adversities isdiminished.Wecrumblebeforevicissitudes thatahealthier senseofselfcouldvanquish.Wearefarmorelikelytosuccumbtoatragicsenseofourexistenceand to feelings of impotence.We tend to bemore influenced by the desire toavoid pain than to experience joy. Negatives have more power over us than

positives. Ifwedonotbelieve inourselves—neither inourefficacynor inourgoodness—theuniverseisafrighteningplace.

High-self-esteempeoplecansurelybeknockeddownbyanexcessoftroubles,buttheyarequickertopickthemselvesupagain.

ForthisreasonIhavecometothinkofpositiveself-esteemas,ineffect,the

immunesystemofconsciousness,providing resistance, strength,andacapacityfor regeneration. Justasahealthy immunesystemdoesnotguarantee thatonewill never become ill, but makes one less vulnerable to disease and betterequipped to overcome it, so a healthy self-esteemdoesnot guarantee that onewillneversufferanxietyordepressioninthefaceoflife’sdifficulties,butmakesonelesssusceptibleandbetterequippedtocope,rebound,andtranscend.High-self-esteem people can surely be knocked down by an excess of troubles, buttheyarequickertopickthemselvesupagain.

Thatself-esteemhasmoretodealwithresiliencethanwithimperviousnesstosufferingneedsbeemphasized.IamremindedofanexperiencesomeyearsagowhilewritingHonoringtheSelf.Forreasonsthatareirrelevanthere,Ihadgreatdifficulty in thewritingof thatbook;whileIamhappywith thefinal result, itdidnotcomeeasily.Therewasoneweekthatwasverybad;nothingmybrainproducedwas right.Oneafternoonmypublisherdroppedby for avisit. Iwasfeeling tired, depressed, and a bit irritable. Sitting opposite him in my livingroom,Iremarked,“ThisisoneofthosedayswhenIaskmyselfwhatevermademe imagine I know how to write a book. Whatever made me think I knowanything about self-esteem? Whatever made me think I had anything tocontribute topsychology?”Justwhatapublisher likes tohear fromhisauthor.AsIhadwrittensixbooksbythenandbeenlecturingonself-esteemformanyyears, he was understandably dismayed. “What?” he exclaimed. “NathanielBrandenhassuchfeelings?”Theexpressionofdisorientationandastonishmenton his face was comical—so much so that I burst out laughing. “Well, ofcourse,” I answered. “The only distinction I’ll claim is that I have a sense ofhumorabout it.And that Iknow these feelingswillpass.And thatwhatever Ithink,say,orfeelthisweek,Iknowthatintheendthebookwillbegood.”

TooMuchSelf-Esteem?

The question is sometimes asked, “Is it possible to have too much self-esteem?”No, it is not; nomore than it is possible to have toomuch physicalhealth or too powerful an immune system.Sometimes self-esteem is confusedwithboastingorbraggingorarrogance;butsuchtraitsreflectnottoomuchself-esteem, but too little; they reflect a lack of self-esteem. Persons of high self-esteemarenotdriventomakethemselvessuperiortoothers;theydonotseektoprovetheirvaluebymeasuringthemselvesagainstacomparativestandard.Theirjoy is in being who they are, not in being better than someone else. I recallreflectingonthisissueonedaywhilewatchingmydogplayinginthebackyard.Shewasrunningabout,sniffingflowers,chasingsquirrels, leapingintotheair,showinggreat joy in being alive (frommy anthropomorphic perspective). Shewasnotthinking(Iamsure)thatshewasmoregladtobealivethanwasthedognextdoor.Shewassimplydelightinginherownexistence.ThatimagecapturessomethingessentialofhowIunderstandtheexperienceofhealthyself-esteem.

Peoplewithtroubledself-esteemareoftenuncomfortableinthepresenceofthosewithhigherself-esteemandmayfeelresentfulanddeclare,“Theyhavetoomuch self-esteem.” But what they are really making is a statement aboutthemselves.

Insecuremen,forinstance,oftenfeelmoreinsecureinthepresenceofself-confident women. Low-self-esteem individuals often feel irritable in thepresenceofpeoplewhoareenthusiasticaboutlife.Ifonepartnerinamarriagewhoseself-esteemisdeterioratingseesthatthepartner’sself-esteemisgrowing,the response is sometimes anxiety and an attempt to sabotage the growthprocess.

Thesadtruthis,whoeverissuccessfulinthisworldrunstheriskofbeingatarget. People of low achievement often envy and resent people of highachievement. Those who are unhappy often envy and resent those who arehappy.

And those of low self-esteem sometimes like to talk about the danger ofhaving“toomuchself-esteem.”

WhenNothingIs“Enough” As I observed above, a poor self-esteem does not mean that we willnecessarilybeincapableofachievinganyrealvalues.Someofusmayhavethetalent, energy, and drive to achieve a great deal, in spite of feelings ofinadequacy or unworthiness—like the highly productive workaholic who isdriventoprovehisworthto,say,afatherwhopredictedhewouldalwaysbea

loser.But itdoesmeanthatwewillbe lesseffectiveand lesscreative thanwehavethepowertobe;anditmeansthatwewillbecrippledinourabilitytofindjoyinourachievements.Nothingwedowilleverfeellike“enough.”

IfmyaimistoproveIam“enough,”theprojectgoesontoinfinity—becausethebattlewasalreadylostonthedayIconcededtheissuewasdebatable.

Whilepoorself-esteemoftenundercutsthecapacityforrealaccomplishment,

evenamong themost talented, itdoesnotnecessarilydo so.What is farmorecertainisthatitundercutsthecapacityforsatisfaction.Thisisapainfulrealitywellknowntomanyhighachievers.“Why,”abrilliantlysuccessfulbusinessmansaidtome,“isthepainofmyfailuressomuchmoreintenseandlastingthanthepleasureofmysuccesses,eventhoughtherehavebeensomanymoresuccessesthan failures?Why is happiness so fleeting andmortification so enduring?”Afewminutes laterheadded,“Inmymind I see the faceofmy fathermockingme.”Thesubconsciousmissionofhislife,hecametorealize,wasnottoexpresswho hewas but to show his father (now deceased for over a decade) that hecouldamounttosomething.

When we have unconflicted self-esteem, joy is our motor, not fear. It ishappinessthatwewishtoexperience,notsufferingthatwewishtoavoid.Ourpurposeisself-expression,notself-avoidanceorself-justification.Ourmotiveisnotto“prove”ourworthbuttoliveourpossibilities.

IfmyaimistoproveIam“enough,”theprojectgoesontoinfinity—becausethebattlewasalreadylostonthedayIconcededtheissuewasdebatable.Soitisalways “onemore” victory—onemore promotion, onemore sexual conquest,onemorecompany,onemorepieceofjewelry,alargerhouse,amoreexpensivecar,anotheraward—yetthevoidwithinremainsunfilled.

Intoday’sculturesomefrustratedpeoplewhohitthisimpasseannouncethatthey have decided to pursue a “spiritual” path and renounce their egos. Thisenterprise is doomed to failure. An ego, in the mature and healthy sense, ispreciselywhattheyhavefailedtoattain.Theydreamofgivingawaywhattheydonotpossess.Noonecansuccessfullybypasstheneedforself-esteem.

AWordofCaution Ifoneerroristodenytheimportanceofself-esteem,anotheristoclaimtoo

much for it. In their enthusiasm, some writers today seem to suggest that ahealthysenseofself-valueisallweneedtoassurehappinessandsuccess.Thematter is more complex than that. Self-esteem is not an all-purpose panacea.Aside from the question of the external circumstances and opportunities thatmayexistforus,anumberofinternalfactorsclearlycanhaveanimpact—suchas energy level, intelligence, and achievement drive. (Contrary to what wesometimes hear, this last is not correlated with self-esteem in any simple ordirectway,inthatsuchadrivecanbepoweredbynegativemotivationaswellasby positive, as, for example, when one is propelled by fear of losing love orstatusratherthanbythejoyofself-expression.)Awell-developedsenseofselfisa necessary condition of our well-being but not a sufficient condition. Itspresencedoesnotguaranteefulfillment,butitslackguaranteessomemeasureofanxiety,frustration,ordespair.*

Self-esteem is not a substitute for a roof over one’s head or food in one’sstomach, but it increases the likelihood that onewill find away tomeet suchneeds.Self-esteemisnotasubstitutefortheknowledgeandskillsoneneedstooperate effectively in the world, but it increases the likelihood that one willacquirethem.

In AbrahamMaslow’s famous “hierarchy of needs,” he places self-esteem“above”(thatis,ascomingafter)coresurvivalneedssuchasforfoodandwater,and there isoneobvioussense inwhich this isvalid.At thesame time, it isamisleading oversimplification. People sometimes relinquish life itself in thename of issues crucial to their self-esteem. And surely his belief that being“accepted”isamorebasicneedthanself-esteemmustalsobechallenged.3

Self-esteemisnotasubstituteforaroofoverone’sheadorfoodinone’sstomach,butitincreasesthelikelihoodthatonewillfindawaytomeetsuch

needs.

Thebasicfactremainsthatself-esteemisanurgentneed.Itproclaimsitself

as such by virtue of the fact that its (relative) absence impairs our ability tofunction.Thisiswhywesayithassurvivalvalue.

TheChallengesoftheModernWorld The survival value of self-esteem is especially evident today. We have

reached a moment in history when self-esteem, which has always been asupremely important psychological need, has also become a supremelyimportant economic need—the attribute imperative for adaptiveness to anincreasinglycomplex,challenging,andcompetitiveworld.

Inthepast twoor threedecades,extraordinarydevelopmentshaveoccurredin the American and global economies. The United States has shifted from amanufacturing society to an information society. We have witnessed thetransitionfromphysicallabortomindworkasthedominantemployeeactivity.We now live in a global economy characterized by rapid change, acceleratingscientific and technological break-throughs, and an unprecedented level ofcompetitiveness. These developments create demands for higher levels ofeducation and training than were required of previous generations. Everyoneacquaintedwithbusinesscultureknowsthis.Whatisnotunderstoodisthatthesedevelopments also create new demands on our psychological resources.Specifically, thesedevelopmentsaskforagreatercapacityfor innovation,self-management,personalresponsibility,andself-direction.Thisisnotjustaskedatthe top. It is asked at every level of a business enterprise, from seniormanagementtofirst-linesupervisorsandeventoentry-levelpersonnel.

Wehavereachedamomentinhistorywhenself-esteem,whichhasalwaysbeenasupremelyimportantpsychologicalneed,hasalsobecomeasupremely

importanteconomicneed.

As an example of how theworld has changed, here isFortunemagazine’s

descriptionofthepositionofmanufacturingproductionoperatoratMotorola,anentry-level job: “Analyze computer reports and identify problems throughexperiments and statistical process control. Communicate manufacturingperformancemetricstomanagement,andunderstandthecompany’scompetitiveposition.”4

Amodernbusinesscannolongerberunbyafewpeoplewhothinkandmanypeoplewhodowhattheyaretold(thetraditionalmilitary,command-and-controlmodel).Today,organizationsneednotonlyanunprecedentedlyhigher levelofknowledgeandskillamongall thosewhoparticipatebutalsoahigher levelofindependence,self-reliance,self-trust,andthecapacitytoexerciseinitiative—inaword,self-esteem.Thismeansthatpersonswithadecentlevelofself-esteemare now needed economically in large numbers. Historically, this is a newphenomenon.

Thechallengeextendsfurther thantheworldofbusiness.Wearefreer thananygenerationbeforeustochooseourownreligion,philosophy,ormoralcode;toadoptourown life-style; to selectourowncriteria for thegood life.Wenolonger have unquestioning faith in “tradition.” We no longer believe thatgovernment will lead us to salvation—nor church, nor labor unions, nor bigorganizationsofanykind.Noone iscomingtorescueus,not inanyaspectoflife.Wearethrownonourownresources.

Wehavemorechoicesandoptionsthaneverbeforeineveryarea.Frontiersof limitless possibilities now face us in whatever direction we look. To beadaptiveinsuchanenvironment,tocopeappropriately,wehaveagreaterneedforpersonalautonomy—becausethereisnowidelyacceptedcodeofrulesandritualstospareusthechallengeofindividualdecisionmaking.Weneedtoknowwhoweareandtobecenteredwithinourselves.Weneedtoknowwhatmattersto us; otherwise it is easy to be swept up and swept along by alien values,pursuinggoalsthatdonotnourishwhowereallyare.Wemustlearntothinkforourselves, to cultivate our own resources, and to take responsibility for thechoices,values,andactionsthatshapeourlives.Weneedreality-basedself-trustandself-reliance.

The greater the number of choices and decisions we need to make at aconsciouslevel,themoreurgentourneedforself-esteem.

In response to the economic and cultural developments of the past fewdecades,wearewitnessingareawakeningoftheAmericanself-helptradition,agreatproliferationofmutual-aidgroupsofeverykind,privatenetworkstoserveanynumberofdifferentneedsandpurposes,agrowingemphasison“learningasawayoflife,”anewemphasisonself-reliancethatexpressesitself,forinstance,inanattitudeofgreaterpersonalresponsibilityforhealthcareandanincreasingtendencytoquestionauthority.

Ifwelackadequateself-esteem,theamountofchoiceofferedtoustodaycanbefrightening.

Theentrepreneurialspirithasbeenstimulatednotonlyinbusinessbutalsoin

ourpersonallives.Intellectually,weareallchallengedtobe“entrepreneurs”—toproduce newmeanings and values.We have been flung into what T. GeorgeHarrishascalled“theeraofconsciouschoice.”5Thechoiceof this religionorthat religion or none.The choice tomarry or simply to live together.Tohavechildrenornotto.Toworkforanorganizationorforoneself.Toenteranyoneof

athousandnewcareersthatdidnotevenexistafewdecadesago.Toliveinthecity, thesuburbs,or thecountry—ortomoveabroad.Onasimpler level, thereareunprecedentedchoices inclothingstyles, foods,automobiles,newproductsofeverykind—alldemandingthatwemakeadecision.

Ifwelackadequateself-esteem,theamountofchoiceofferedtoustodaycanbe frightening, something like the anxiety of a Soviet citizen on firstencounteringanAmericansupermarket.Andjustassomevisitorselectedtorunbacktothe“security”ofadictatorship,someofusseekescapeinthe“security”of cults, or religious fundamentalism, or “correct” political, social, or culturalsubgroups, or brain-destroying substances. Neither our upbringing nor oureducationmayhave adequatelypreparedus for aworldwith somanyoptionsandchallenges.Thisiswhytheissueofself-esteemhasbecomesourgent.

2

TheMeaningofSelf-Esteem

Self-esteemhastwointerrelatedcomponents.Oneisasenseofbasicconfidenceinthefaceoflife’schallenges:self-efficacy.Theotherisasenseofbeingworthyofhappiness:self-respect.

I do not mean to imply that a person of high or healthy self-esteemconsciously thinks in terms of these components, but rather that if we lookcloselyattheexperienceofself-esteem,weinescapablyfindthem.

Self-efficacymeansconfidenceinthefunctioningofmymind,inmyabilitytothink,understand,learn,choose,andmakedecisions;confidenceinmyabilitytounderstandthefactsofrealitythatfallwithinthesphereofmyinterestsandneeds;self-trust;self-reliance.

Self-respectmeansassuranceofmyvalue;anaffirmativeattitudetowardmyright to live and to be happy; comfort in appropriately assertingmy thoughts,wants,andneeds;thefeelingthatjoyandfulfillmentaremynaturalbirthright.

Wewillneedtoconsiderthesetwoideasinmoredetail,butforthemomentconsiderthefollowing:Ifanindividualfeltinadequatetofacethechallengesoflife,ifanindividuallackedfundamentalself-trust,confidenceinhisorhermind,wewouldrecognizeaself-esteemdeficiency,nomatterwhatotherassetsheorshe possessed. Or, if an individual lacked a basic sense of self-respect, feltunworthyorundeservingoftheloveorrespectofothers,unentitledtohappiness,fearfulofassertingthoughts,wants,orneeds—againwewouldrecognizeaself-esteemdeficiency,nomatterwhatotherpositiveattributesheorsheexhibited.Self-efficacyandself-respectare thedualpillarsofhealthyself-esteem;absenteitherone, self-esteemis impaired.Theyare thedefiningcharacteristicsof thetermbecauseoftheirfundamentality.Theyrepresentnotderivativeorsecondarymeaningsofself-esteembutitsessence.

Theexperienceofself-efficacygeneratesthesenseofcontroloverone’slifethatweassociatewithpsychologicalwell-being, thesenseofbeingat thevital

center of one’s existence—as contrasted with being a passive spectator and avictimofevents.

The experience of self-respect makes possible a benevolent, non-neuroticsenseofcommunitywithotherindividuals,thefellowshipofindependenceandmutualregard—ascontrastedwitheitheralienatedestrangementfromthehumanrace,ontheonehand,ormindlesssubmergenceintothetribe,ontheother.

Within a given person, there will be inevitable fluctuations in self-esteemlevels, much as there are fluctuations in all psychological states.We need tothink in termsofaperson’saverage levelof self-esteem.Whilewe sometimesspeakofself-esteemasaconvictionaboutoneself,itismoreaccuratetospeakofadispositiontoexperienceoneselfaparticularway.Whatway?

Tosumupinaformaldefinition:Self-esteemisthedispositiontoexperienceoneselfascompetenttocopewiththebasicchallengesoflifeandasworthyofhappiness.

Note that this definition does not specify the childhood environmentalinfluences that support healthy self-esteem (physical safety, nurturing, and soforth);nor the later internalgenerators(thepracticeof livingconsciously,self-acceptingly, self-responsibly, and so on); nor emotional or behavioralconsequences (compassion, willingness to be accountable, openness to newexperience,and the like). Itmerely identifieswhat theself-evaluationconcernsandconsistsof.

InPartIII,Chapter17,wewillexaminetheideaofself-esteeminthecontextof culture, but for the moment let me stress one point. The concept of“competence”asusedinmydefinitionismetaphysical,not“Western.”Thatis,itpertainstotheverynatureofthings—toourfundamentalrelationshiptoreality.Itisnottheproductofaparticularcultural“valuebias.”Thereisnosocietyonearth,nosocietyevenconceivable,whosemembersdonotfacethechallengesoffulfillingtheirneeds—whodonotfacethechallengesofappropriateadaptationto nature and to the world of human beings. The idea of efficacy in thisfundamental sense is not, as I have heard suggested, a “Western artifact.” Ibelievethiswillbecomestillclearerwhenweexploreindepthwhatself-efficacyandself-respectmeanandentail.

Itwouldbeunwisetodismissdefinitionsas“meresemantics”oraconcernwithexactitudeaspedantry.Thevalueofaprecisedefinitionisthatitallowsustodistinguishaparticularaspectofrealityfromallothersso thatwecanthinkaboutitandworkwithitwithclarityandfocus.Ifwewishtoknowwhatself-esteem depends on, how to nurture it in our children, support it in schools,encourage it in organizations, strengthen it in psychotherapy, or develop it inourselves,weneedtoknowwhatpreciselyweareaimingat.Weareunlikelyto

hit a targetwe cannot see. If our idea of self-esteem is vague, themeansweadopt will reflect this vagueness. If our enthusiasm for self-esteem is notmatchedbyappropriate intellectualrigor,weruntherisknotonlyoffailingtoproduceworthwhileresultsbutalsoofdiscreditingthefield.

Tohavehighself-esteemistofeelconfidentlyappropriatetolife.

AmIsuggestingthat thedefinitionofself-esteemIoffer iswritteninstone

andcanneverbeimprovedon?Notatall.Definitionsarecontextual;theyrelatetoagivenlevelofknowledge;asknowledgegrows,definitionstendtobecomemoreprecise.Imayfindabetter,clearer,moreexactwaytocapturetheessenceoftheconceptduringmylifetime.Orsomeoneelsemay.Butwithinthecontextoftheknowledgewenowpossess,Icanthinkofnoalternativeformulationthatidentifies withmore precision the unique aspect of human experience we areexploringinthisbook.

Tohavehighself-esteem,then,istofeelconfidentlyappropriatetolife,thatis,competentandworthyinthesenseIhaveindicated.Tohavelowself-esteemistofeelinappropriatetolife;wrong,notaboutthisissueorthat,butwrongasaperson.Tohaveaverageself-esteemistofluctuatebetweenfeelingappropriateand inappropriate, right and wrong as a person; and to manifest theseinconsistenciesinbehavior,sometimesactingwisely,sometimesactingfoolishly—therebyreinforcingtheuncertaintyaboutwhooneisatone’score.

TheRootofOurNeedforSelf-Esteem Wesawinthepreviouschapterthatself-esteemisabasicneed.Butwhyisthis so? We cannot fully understand the meaning of self-esteem apart fromunderstandingwhataboutusasaspeciesgivesrisetosuchaneed.(Ihavetheimpression that this question has been almost entirely neglected.) Thisdiscussion, then, is intended to illuminate further what self-esteem ultimatelymeans.

Thequestionoftheefficacyoftheirconsciousnessortheworthinessoftheirbeingsdoesnotexistforloweranimals.Buthumanbeingswonder:CanItrustmymind?AmIcompetenttothink?AmIadequate?AmIenough?AmIagoodperson?DoIhaveintegrity,thatis,istherecongruencebetweenmyidealsandmypractice?AmIworthyofrespect,love,success,happiness?

Ourneedforself-esteemistheresultoftwobasicfacts,bothintrinsictoourspecies.Thefirstisthatwedependforoursurvivalandoursuccessfulmasteryof the environment on the appropriate use of our consciousness; our life andwell-beingdependonourabilitytothink.Thesecondisthattherightuseofourconsciousnessisnotautomatic,isnot“wiredin”bynature.Intheregulatingofits activity, there is a crucial element of choice—therefore, of personalresponsibility.

Like everyother species capableof awareness,wedepend for our survivaland well-being on the guidance of our distinctive form of consciousness, theform uniquely human, our conceptual faculty—the faculty of abstraction,generalization,andintegration:ourmind.

Therightuseofourconsciousnessisnotautomatic,isnot“wiredin”bynature.

Our human essence is our ability to reason, which means to grasp

relationships. It is on this ability—ultimately—that our life depends. Think ofwhatittooktobringtoyourtablethefoodyouatetoday;toproducetheclothesyouarewearing;tobuildthehomethatprotectsyoufromtheelements;tobuildtheindustryinwhichyouearnyourliving;togiveyoutheexperienceofagreatsymphonyinyourlivingroom;todevelopthemedicinesthatrestoreyourhealth;tocreatethelightbywhichyoumaynowbereading.Allthatistheproductofmind.

Mindismorethanimmediateexplicitawareness.Itisacomplexarchitectureof structures and processes. It includes more than the verbal, linear, analyticprocessespopularlyifmisleadinglydescribedsometimesas“left-brain”activity.It includes the totalityofmental life, including thesubconscious, the intuitive,thesymbolic,allthatwhichsometimesisassociatedwiththe“rightbrain.”Mindisallthatbymeansofwhichwereachouttoandapprehendtheworld.

To learn togrowfood, toconstructabridge, toharnesselectricity, tograspthe healing possibilities of some substance, to allocate resources so as tomaximizeproductivity,toseewealth-producingpossibilitieswheretheyhadnotbeen seen before, to conduct a scientific experiment, to create—all require aprocessof thought.To respond appropriately to the complaints of a childor aspouse, to recognize that there is a disparity between our behavior and ourprofessedfeelings,todiscoverhowtodealwithhurtandangerinwaysthatwillhealratherthandestroy—allrequireaprocessofthought.Eventoknowwhento

abandon conscious efforts at problem solving and turn the task over to thesubconscious, to know when to allow conscious thinking to stop or when toattend more closely to feelings or intuition (subconscious perceptions orintegrations)requireaprocessofthought,aprocessofrationalconnection.

Wearetheonespeciesthatcanformulateavisionofwhatvaluesareworthpursuing—andthenpursuetheopposite.

The problem and the challenge is that, although thinking is a necessity of

successfulexistence,wearenotprogrammedtothinkautomatically.Wehaveachoice.

Wearenotresponsibleforcontrollingtheactivitiesofourheart,lungs,liver,orkidneys; they are all part of thebody’s self-regulating system (althoughwearebeginning to learn that somemeasureofcontrolof theseactivitiesmaybepossible).Norareweobligedtosupervisethehomeostaticprocessesbywhich,for instance, a constant temperature is maintained. Nature has designed theorgansandsystemsofourbodiestofunctionautomaticallyintheserviceofourlifewithoutourvolitionalintervention.Butourmindsoperatedifferently.

Ourmindsdonotpumpknowledgeasourheartspumpblood,whenandasneeded. Our minds do not automatically guide us to act on our best, mostrational and informed understanding, even when such understanding wouldclearly be beneficial.Wedo not begin to think “instinctively”merely becausenonthinking,inagivensituation,wouldbedangeroustous.Consciousnessdoesnot “reflexively”expand in the faceof thenewandunfamiliar; sometimeswecontract it instead. Nature has given us an extraordinary responsibility: theoptionof turning the searchlight of consciousness brighter or dimmer.This istheoptionofseekingawarenessornotbotheringtoseekitoractivelyavoidingit.Theoptionofthinkingornotthinking.Thisistherootofourfreedomandourresponsibility.

Wearetheonespeciesthatcanformulateavisionofwhatvaluesareworthpursuing—and thenpursue theopposite.Wecandecide that agivencourseofactionisrational,moral,andwise—andthensuspendconsciousnessandproceedto do something else. We are able to monitor our behavior and ask if it isconsistentwithourknowledge,convictions,andideals—andwearealsoabletoevadeaskingthatquestion.Theoptionofthinkingornotthinking.

Our free will pertains to the choice we make about the operation of ourconsciousness in any given situation—to focus it with the aim of expanding

awareness or unfocus it with the aim of avoiding awareness. The choices wemake concerning the operations of our consciousness have enormousramificationsforourlifeingeneralandourself-esteeminparticular.

Consider the impact on our life and on our sense of self entailed by thefollowingoptions:

Focusingversusnonfocusing.Thinkingversusnonthinking.Awarenessversusunawareness.Clarityversusobscurityorvagueness.Respectforrealityversusavoidanceofreality.Respectforfactsversusindifferencetofacts.Respectfortruthversusrejectionoftruth.Perseveranceintheefforttounderstandversusabandonmentoftheeffort.Loyaltyinactiontoourprofessedconvictionsversusdisloyalty—theissueof

integrity.Honestywithselfversusdishonesty.Self-confrontationversusself-avoidance.Receptivitytonewknowledgeversusclosed-mindedness.Willingnesstoseeandcorrecterrorsversusperseveranceinerror.Concernwithcongruence(consistency)versusdisregardofcontradictions. Reasonversusirrationalism;respectfor logic,consistency,coherence,and

evidenceversusdisregardordefianceofthese. Loyalty to the responsibility of consciousness versus betrayal of that

responsibility.

Ifonewishestounderstandwhatself-esteemdependson,thislist isagoodplacetobegin.

Noonecouldseriouslysuggestthatoursenseofourcompetencetocopewiththechallengeoflifeoroursenseofourgoodnesscouldremainunaffectedovertimebythepatternofourchoicesinregardtotheaboveoptions.

Adisserviceisdonetopeopleiftheyareoffered“feelgood”notionsofself-

esteemthatdivorceitfromquestionsofconsciousness,responsibility,andmoralchoice.

Thepointisnotthatourself-esteem“should”beaffectedbythechoiceswe

make but rather that by our natures itmust be affected. If we develop habitpatternsthatcrippleorincapacitateusforeffectivefunctioningandthatcauseusto distrust ourselves, itwould be irrational to suggest thatwe “should” go onfeelingjustasefficaciousandworthyaswewouldfeelifourchoiceshadbeenbetter.Thiswouldimplythatouractionshaveorshouldhavenothingtodowithhowwefeelaboutourselves.Itisonethingtocautionagainstidentifyingoneselfwith a particular behavior; it is another to assert that there should be noconnectionbetweenself-assessmentandbehavior.Adisserviceisdonetopeopleif they are offered “feel good” notions of self-esteem that divorce it fromquestionsofconsciousness,responsibility,andmoralchoice.Thereisgreat joyinself-esteem,andoften joy in theprocessofbuildingorstrengthening it,butthisshouldnotobscurethefactthatmoreisrequiredthanblowingoneselfakissin themirror (or numerous other strategies that have been proposed, of equalprofundity).

The levelofour self-esteem isnot setonceand forall inchildhood. Itcangrow aswemature, or it can deteriorate. There are peoplewhose self-esteemwashigherattheageoftenthanattheageofsixty,andthereverseisalsotrue.Self-esteemcanriseandfallandriseagainoverthecourseofa lifetime.Minecertainlyhas.

Icanthinkbackovermyhistoryandobservechangesinthelevelofmyself-esteem that reflect choices I made in the face of particular challenges. I canrecallinstanceswhenImadechoicesIamproudofandothersIbitterlyregret—choicesthatstrengthenedmyself-esteemandothersthatloweredit.Weallcan.

Withregard tochoices that lowerself-esteem,I thinkof timeswhen(nevermindthe“reasons”)IwasunwillingtoseewhatIsawandknowwhatIknew—timeswhenIneededtoraiseawarenessandinsteadIloweredit;whenIneededto examine my feelings and instead I disowned them; when I needed toannounce a truth and instead I clung to silence;when I needed towalk awayfromarelationshipthatwasharmingmeandinsteadIstruggledtopreserveit;whenIneededtostandupformydeepestfeelingsandassertmydeepestneedsandinsteadIwaitedforamiracletodeliverme.

Anytimewehavetoact,tofaceachallenge,tomakeamoraldecision,weaffectourfeelingsaboutourselvesforgoodorbad—dependingonthenatureofour response and themental processes behind it. And if we avoid action and

decisionsinspiteoftheirobviousnecessity,that,too,affectsoursenseofself.Ourneedforself-esteemistheneedtoknowwearefunctioningasourlife

andwell-beingrequire.

Competence I have given the name self-efficacy to that experience of basic power orcompetence thatwe associatewith healthy self-esteem, and self-respect to theexperience of dignity and personal worth. While their meaning is clear in ageneralway,Iwanttoexaminethemmoreclosely.

First,self-efficacy.Tobeefficacious(inthebasic,dictionarysense)istobecapableofproducing

adesiredresult.Confidenceinourbasicefficacyisconfidenceinourabilitytolearnwhatweneedtolearnanddowhatweneedtodoinordertoachieveourgoals,insofarassuccessdependsonourownefforts.Rationallywedonotjudgeour competence, in the sensemeant here, by factors outside our control. Theexperienceofself-efficacydoesnotrequireomniscienceoromnipotence.

Self-efficacyisnottheconvictionthatwecannevermakeanerror.Itistheconviction that we are able to think, to judge, to know—and to correct ourerrors.Itistrustinourmentalprocessesandabilities.

Self-efficacyisnotthecertaintythatwewillbeabletomasteranyandeverychallengethatlifepresents.Itistheconvictionthatwearecapableinprincipleof learning what we need to learn and that we are committed to doing ourrationalandconscientiousbesttomasterthetasksandchallengesentailedbyourvalues.

Self-efficacyisdeeperthanconfidenceinourspecificknowledgeandskills,basedonpastsuccessesandaccomplishments,althoughitisclearlynurturedbythem.Itisconfidenceinwhatmadeitpossibleforustoacquireknowledgeandskills and to achieve successes. It is confidence in our ability to think, in ourconsciousnessandhowwechoosetouseit.Again,trustinourprocesses—and,asaconsequence,adispositiontoexpectsuccessforourefforts.

To be lacking in the experience of self-efficacy, to anticipate defeat ratherthanvictory,istobeinterruptedorunderminedorparalyzed(tovaryingdegrees)inoureffortstocopewiththetasksandchallengeslifepresentstous.“WhoamItothink?WhoamItomasterchallenges?WhoamItochoose—decide—leavethe comfort of the familiar—persevere in the face of obstacles—fight for myvalues?”

Inaworldinwhichthetotalofhumanknowledgeisdoublingabouteverytenyears,oursecuritycanrestonlyonourabilitytolearn.

Asfarasourupbringing isconcerned,oneof therootsofself-efficacy isa

homeenvironmentthatissufficientlysane,rational,andpredictableastoallowustobelieveunderstandingispossibleandthat thinkingisnotfutile.Asfarasourownactionsareconcerned,oneof its roots is thewill to efficacy itself—arefusaltosurrendertohelplessness,persistenceinthequesttounderstandeveninthefaceofdifficulties.

The distinction between trust in our processes and trust in some particulararea of knowledge is of the highest importance in virtually every sphere ofendeavor.Inaworldinwhichthetotalofhumanknowledgeisdoublingabouteverytenyears,oursecuritycanrestonlyonourabilitytolearn.ToclarifythedistinctionIammaking,letusconsiderthefollowingexample.

Letussaythatabusinessmanhasacquiredspecificknowledgeandaspecificsetofskillsinthefieldinwhichhehasworkedfortwentyyears.Thenheleavesthatcompanyandassumesleadershipofanentirelydifferentkindofenterprisewithdifferent requirements, rules,andproblems.Ifhe lacksahealthysenseofself-efficacy,thedangeristhathewillbeoverattachedtowhathealreadyknowsand inadequatelyadaptive to thenewcontext.Theconsequence is thathewillperformpoorlyandhisfeelingsofinefficacywillbeconfirmedandreinforced.Alternatively,ifhedoesexperiencehealthyself-efficacy,hissecuritylieslessinwhatheknowsthaninhisconfidenceinhisabilitytolearn.Theconsequenceisthatheislikelytomasterthenewcontextandperformwell,andhisfeelingsofself-efficacywillbeconfirmedandreinforced.

High-performingsalespersons,accountants,engineers,andthelike,areoftenpromotedtothepositionofmanager.Buttheskillsneededtobeagoodmanagerare different from those needed to be competent in sales, accounting, orengineering.Howwellthepersonwilldoinhisorhernewjobdependsinparton the training for the new role provided by the company; but it alsowill beaffectedbytheleveloftheindividual’sself-efficacy.Lowself-efficacytendstoproduce discomfort with the new and unfamiliar and overattachment toyesterday’sskills.Higherself-efficacymakesiteasiertomoveupfromanearlierlevelofknowledgeanddevelopmentandtomasternewknowledge,skills,andchallenges.Companies thatunderstand this canbuild a self-esteemcomponentinto their training. They can inspire employees to value the virtues ofconsciousness, responsibility, curiosity, openness to change, above particularkindsofmasterythatmaynolongerberelevant.

Awomanwhowaspromotedtomanagerconsultedmebecauseoffeelingsofpanicaboutherabilitytohandlethenewopportunity.AmongthequestionsIinvitedhertoexplorewerethefollowing:

Whywereyousuccessfulinyourpreviousjob?Whatspecificallydidyoudointheearlymonthsofthatjobthathelpedyou

todevelopyourskillssoeffectively?Whatattitudeofminddidyoubringtothenewthingsyouhadtolearn?Asyouprogressedinthejob,whatotherthingsdidyoudo?Howdidyouadapttochangesinjobrequirements?Whatallowedyoutobesoflexible? From what you have learned about yourself and your success in your

previous job, what insights do you have that you can use in this newposition?

Whatisitinyourinnerattitudesandprocessesthatcouldleadyoutojustasgreat a success in the future, even though the actual skills requiredwill bedifferent?

Whatcanyoudothatwillassureyoursuccess?Whatisitaboutyou—aboutthewayyourmindworks—thatwillallowyou

todoit?

Suchquestionshelpedherisolatethebasicinnersourcesofherpastsuccessas differentiated from particular skills. They focus on process rather thancontent. They distinguish fundamental efficacy from any of its particularmanifestations.

Iwant tostressagain thatnoonecanexpect tobeequallycompetent inallareas—and no one needs to be. Our interests, values, and circumstancesdeterminetheareasinwhichwearelikelytoconcentrate.

WhenIsay thatself-efficacypertains toconfidence inone’sability tocopewiththebasicchallengesoflife,whatdoImeanby“basicchallenges”?Forone,being able to support one’s existence, that is, to earn a living; to takeindependent care of oneself in theworld—assuming the opportunity to do soexists. (Wives and homemakers are not exempt. It does not serve a woman’sinteresttohavedevelopednoskillsbywhichshecansupportherselfandtobefrightenedofthemarketplace.)Foranother,beingabletofunctioneffectivelyininteractions with other human beings—being capable of giving and receiving

benevolence, cooperation, trust, friendship, respect, love; being able to beresponsiblyself-assertiveandtoaccept theself-assertivenessofothers.Foryetanother, resilience in coping with misfortune and adversity—the opposite ofpassive surrender to pain; the ability to bounce back and regenerate oneself.Simplefundamentalsthatdefineourhumanity.

In the examples above I focus on the workplace, but of course efficacyapplies also to intimate relationships, as the preceding paragraphmakes clear.Noexperienceofefficacycanbecompleteifitdoesnotincludethatoffeelingcompetent in our human dealings. If I am unable to create personal andprofessionalrelationshipsthatwillbeexperiencedaspositivebybothmeandtheotherparty(whichiswhat“competence”inthehumanrealmessentiallymeans),thenIamlackingataverybasiclevel;Iamwithoutefficacyinavitalsphere.Andthisrealityisreflectedinmyself-esteem.

Sometimespeoplewhofeelfearinthehumanrealmdroptoaverylowlevelof consciousness in their relationships and seek the safety and security ofcompetence in the impersonal word of machines, mathematics, or abstractthought.Nomatterwhatheightstheymayattainprofessionally,theirself-esteemremains flawed.We cannotwith impunity run from so important an aspect oflife.

Worthiness Nowthesecondcomponentofself-esteem:self-respect.

Just as self-efficacy entails the expectation of success as natural, so self-respectentailstheexpectationoffriendship,love,andhappinessasnatural,asaresult of who we are and what we do. (We can isolate the two componentsconceptually,for thesakeofanalysis,but intherealityofourdailyexperiencetheyconstantlyoverlapandinvolveeachother.)

Self-respectistheconvictionofourownvalue.Itisnotthedelusionthatweare“perfect”orsuperiortoeveryoneelse.Itisnotcomparativeorcompetitiveatall.Itistheconvictionthatourlifeandwell-beingareworthactingtosupport,protect, and nurture; that we are good and worthwhile and deserving of therespectofothers;andthatourhappinessandpersonalfulfillmentareimportantenoughtoworkfor.

Self-respectentailstheexpectationoffriendship,love,andhappinessasnatural,asaresultofwhoweareandwhatwedo.

As farasourupbringing isconcerned,oneof its roots is theexperienceof

being treatedwith respectbyparentsandother familymembers.As farasourownactionsareconcerned,oneofitsrootsissatisfactionwithourmoralchoices—which is a particular aspect of satisfaction with our mental processes.(Indeed,asimpleandinformalself-esteem“test,” thoughfarfrominfallible, isto inquire of peoplewhether they feel proud of and satisfiedwith theirmoralchoices.Toturnrightorleftatastreetcornerisnotordinarilyamoralchoice;totellthetruthornottotellthetruth,tohonorone’spromisesandcommitmentsornot,is.)

Not uncommonly we meet a person who is far more sure of his or hercompetence,atleastinsomeareas,thanoftherighttobehappy.Someaspectofself-respectismissing.Suchanindividualmayachieveagreatdealbutlackthecapacity to enjoy it. The feeling of personal worth that would support andsanctionenjoymentis,ifnotentirelyabsent,thenwoundedandimpaired.

We sometimes encounter this problem among successful businesspersonswho are anxious away from their desks.For suchpersons, vacations are oftenmoreasourceofstressthanofpleasure.Theyarelimitedintheirabilityeventoenjoy their families,much as theymay feel they love them.They do not feelentitled.They feel theymustcontinuallyproveand justify theirworth throughachievement.Theyarenotdevoidofself-esteem,butitistragicallyflawed.

To appreciate why our need for self-respect is so urgent, consider thefollowing: To live successfully,we need to pursue and achieve values. To actappropriately, we need to value the beneficiary of our actions. We need toconsiderourselvesworthyoftherewardsofouractions.Absentthisconviction,wewillnotknowhowtotakecareofourselves,protectourlegitimateinterests,satisfyourneeds,orenjoyourownachievements.(Thus,ourexperienceofself-efficacyalsowillbeimpaired.)

RecentlyIcounseledabrilliantlawyerwhowasself-effacingalmosttothepointofself-destruction.Shecontinuallyallowedotherstotakecreditforherachievementsinthelawfirmwheresheworked.Herbosstookbillingcreditforhours thatwerehers.Associates tookcredit formanyofher ideas.Sheremainedcheerfultoeveryoneandinsistedshedidnotmind,whileinwardlyshewasburningwithresentment.Shewanted tobe liked,andshebelievedthatself-abasementwasthewaytoassureit,avoidingthoughtsaboutthecosttoherself-respect.Heroneactofassertionandrebellionhadbeentobecomealawyer,againsttheskepticismofherfamily,whohadalwaysminimizedherworth. To become highly successful was beyond her view of what was

possibleorappropriatetoher.Shehadtheknowledgeandtheskill;shedidnot have the self-esteem. The low level of her self-respect was like agravitationalpullforbiddinghertorise.Whatshelearnedintherapywasthatbringingmore consciousness to her choices, takingmore responsibility forher self-sabotaging behavior, and acting against that gravitational pull—standing up for herself, in spite of fear—was the way to build her self-respect.

Threebasicobservations:(1)Ifwerespectourselves,wetendtoactinways

thatconfirmandreinforcethisrespect,suchasrequiringotherstodealwithusappropriately. (2) If we do not respect ourselves, we tend to act inways thatloweroursenseofourownvalueevenfurther,suchasacceptingorsanctioninginappropriatebehaviortowardusbyothers,therebyconfirmingandreinforcingournegativity.(3)Ifwewishtoraisethelevelofourself-respect,weneedtoactin ways that will cause it to rise—and this begins with a commitment to thevalueofourownperson,whichisthenexpressedthroughcongruentbehavior.

Theneed to seeourselvesasgood is theneed toexperienceself-respect. Itemerges very early.Aswe develop from childhood,we progressively becomeaware of the power to choose our actions. We become aware of ourresponsibilityforthechoiceswemake.Weacquireoursenseofbeingaperson.Weexperienceaneedtofeelthatweareright—rightasaperson—rightinourcharacteristicwayoffunctioning.Thisistheneedtofeelthatwearegood.

We learn the concept from adults, from whom we first hear the words“good,”“bad,”“right,”“wrong,”buttheneedisinherentinournature.Itistiedtotheissueofsurvival:AmIappropriatetolife?Toberightasapersonistobefit forsuccessandhappiness; tobewrongis tobe threatenedbypain.Whenaclient in therapy says, “I don’t feel entitled to be happy or successful,” themeaningis,“Idon’tfeelworthyasahumanbeing.”

Aconcernwithrightandwrongisnotmerelytheproductofsocialconditioning.Aconcernwithmoralityorethicsarisesnaturallyintheearly

stagesofourdevelopment.

Theneedforself-respectisbasicandinescapable.Inherentinourexistence

and humanity are such questions as: What kind of being should I seek tobecome? By what principles should I guide my life? What values are worthpursuing? I say “inherent in our existence” because a concern with right and

wrongisnotmerelytheproductofsocialconditioning.Aconcernwithmoralityor ethics arises naturally in the early stages of our development,much as ourotherintellectualabilitiesdevelop,andprogressesinstepwiththenormalcourseof our maturation. When we assess our own activities, inevitably our moralattitudesarepartofourimplicitcontext.

It is impossible toescape the realmofvaluesandvalue-judgmentsbecausetheyaredemandedby theverynatureof life. “Good forme”or“bad forme”ultimatelytranslatesto“formylifeandwell-being”or“againstthem.”Further,and essential to an understanding of self-esteem,we cannot exempt ourselvesfrom therealmofvaluesandvalue judgments.Wecannotbe indifferent to themoralmeaningofouractions, althoughwemay try tobeorpretend tobe.Atsome level, their value significance irresistibly registers in thepsyche, leavingpositive feelings about the self in their wake or negative ones. Whether thevalues by which we explicitly or implicitly judge ourselves are conscious orsubconscious, rational or irrational, life serving or life threatening, everyonejudgeshimselforherselfbysomestandard.Totheextentthatwefailtosatisfythat standard, to the extent there is a split between ideals and practice, self-respectsuffers.Thus,personalintegrityisintimatelyrelatedtothemoralaspectofself-esteem.For theoptimalrealizationofourpossibilities,weneed to trustourselvesandweneedtoadmireourselves,andthetrustandadmirationneedtobegroundedinreality,notgeneratedoutoffantasyandself-delusion.

Pride I want to say a fewwords about pride, as distinguished from self-esteem.Prideisauniquekindofpleasure.

Prideistheemotionalrewardofachievement.Itisnotavicetobeovercomebutavaluetobeattained.

Ifself-esteempertainstotheexperienceofourfundamentalcompetenceand

value, pride pertains to the more explicitly conscious pleasure we take inourselves because of our actions and achievements. Self-esteem contemplateswhat needs to be done and says “I can.” Pride contemplates what has beenaccomplishedandsays“Idid.”

Authentic pride has nothing in common with bragging, boasting, or

arrogance.Itcomesfromanoppositeroot.Notemptinessbutsatisfactionis itswellspring.Itisnotoutto“prove”buttoenjoy.

Nor is pride the delusion that we are without flaws or shortcomings (asreligionistssometimessuggest).Wecantakeprideinwhatwehavedoneorwhatwehavemadeofourselveswhileacknowledgingourerrorsandimperfections.WecanfeelpridewhileowningandacceptingwhatJungianscallour“Shadow.”Inshort,prideinnowayentailsobliviousnesstoreality.

Prideistheemotionalrewardofachievement.Itisnotavicetobeovercomebut avalue tobe attained. (In aphilosophical ormoral context,whenpride isconsidered not as an emotion or experience but as a virtue, an actioncommitment, I define it differently—asmoralambitiousness, the dedication toachievingone’shighestpotential inone’s character and inone’s life. I discussthisideainThePsychologyofSelf-Esteem.)

Does achievement always result inpride?Notnecessarily, as the followingstoryillustrates.

The head of a medium-sized company consulted me because, he said,althoughhehadmadeagreatsuccessofhisbusiness,hewasdepressedandunhappy and could not understand why. We discovered that what he hadalwayswantedtobewasaresearchscientistbutthathehadabandonedthatdesire in deference to his parents, who pushed him toward a career inbusiness.Notonlywasheunabletofeelmorethanthemostsuperficialkindofprideinhisaccomplishmentsbuthewaswoundedinhisself-esteem.Thereasonwasnotdifficulttoidentify.Inthemostimportantissueofhislifehehadsurrenderedhismindandvaluestothewishesofothersoutofthewishtobe “loved” and to “belong.” Clearly a still earlier self-esteem problemmotivated such a capitulation. His depression reflected a lifetime ofperforming brilliantlywhile ignoring his deepest needs.While he operatedwithinthatframework,prideandsatisfactionwerebeyondhisreach.Untilhewaswillingtochallengethatframework,andtofacethefearofdoingso,nosolutionwaspossible.

Thisisanimportantpointtounderstand,becausewesometimeshearpeople

say, “Ihaveaccomplished somuch.Whydon’t I feelmoreproudofmyself?”Although there are several reasons why someone may not enjoy his or herachievements,itcanbeusefultoask,“Whochoseyourgoals?You,orthevoiceof some ‘significant other’ inside you?” Neither pride nor self-esteem can besupportedbythepursuitofsecondhandvaluesthatdonotreflectwhowereallyare.

But does anything take more courage—is anything more challenging andsometimesfrightening—thantolivebyourownmind,judgment,andvalues?Isnotself-esteemasummons to theherowithinus?Thesequestionswillshortlyleadustothesixpillarsofself-esteem.

3

TheFaceofSelf-Esteem

Whatdoesself-esteemlooklike?Therearesomefairlysimpleanddirectwaysinwhichself-esteemmanifests

itself in ourselves and others. None of these items taken in isolation is aguarantee,butwhenallarepresenttogether,self-esteemseemscertain.

Self-esteem expresses it itself in a face, manner, and way of talking andmovingthatprojectsthepleasureonetakesinbeingalive.

Itexpressesitselfinaneaseintalkingofaccomplishmentsorshort-comingswithdirectnessandhonesty,sinceoneisinfriendlyrelationshiptofacts.

It expresses itself in the comfort one experiences in giving and receivingcompliments,expressionsofaffection,appreciation,andthelike.

It expresses itself in an openness to criticism and a comfort aboutacknowledgingmistakes, because one’s self-esteem is not tied to an image of“beingperfect.”

Itexpressesitselfwhenone’swordsandmovementstendtohaveaqualityofeaseandspontaneity,reflectingthefactthatoneisnotatwarwithoneself.

Itexpressesitselfintheharmonybetweenwhatonesaysanddoesandhowonelooks,sounds,andmoves.

Itexpressesitselfinanattitudeofopennesstoandcuriosityaboutnewideas,newexperiences,newpossibilitiesoflife.

It expresses itself in the fact that feelings of anxiety or insecurity, if theyappear, will be less likely to intimidate or overwhelm, since accepting them,managingthem,andrisingabovethemrarelyfeelimpossiblydifficult.

It expresses itself in an ability to enjoy the humorous aspects of life, inoneselfandothers.

It expresses itself in one’s flexibility in responding to situations andchallenges,sinceonetrustsone’smindanddoesnotseelifeasdoomordefeat.

Itexpressesitselfinone’scomfortwithassertive(notbelligerent)behaviorin

oneselfandothers.Itexpressesitselfinanabilitytopreserveaqualityofharmonyanddignity

underconditionsofstress.Then, on the purely physical level, we can observe characteristics such as

these:We see eyes that are alert, bright, and lively; a face that is relaxed and

(barringillness)tendstoexhibitnaturalcolorandgoodskinvibrancy;achinthatisheldnaturallyandinalignmentwithone’sbody;andarelaxedjaw.

We see shoulders relaxed yet erect; hands that tend to be relaxed andgraceful;armsthattendtohanginaneasy,naturalway;aposturethattendstobeunstrained,erect,well-balanced;awalkthattendstobepurposeful(withoutbeingaggressiveandoverbearing).

Relaxationimpliesthatwearenothidingfromourselvesandarenotatwarwithwhoweare.

Wehearavoicethat tendstobemodulatedwithanintensityappropriate to

thesituationandwithclearpronunciation.Notice that the theme of relaxation occurs again and again. Relaxation

implies thatwearenothidingfromourselvesandarenotatwarwithwhoweare. Chronic tension conveys amessage of some form of internal split, someform of self-avoidance or self-repudiation, some aspect of the self beingdisownedorheldonaverytightleash.

Self-EsteeminAction In thebeginningof thisbookIsaid thathealthyself-esteemissignificantlycorrelated with rationality, realism, intuitiveness, creativity, independence,flexibility,abilitytomanagechange,willingnesstoadmit(andcorrect)mistakes,benevolence, and cooperativeness. If we understand what self-esteem actuallymeans,thelogicofthesecorrelationsbecomesfairlyobvious.

Rationality.Thisistheexerciseoftheintegrativefunctionofconsciousness—thegenerationofprinciplesfromconcretefacts(induction),theapplicationofprinciplestoconcretefacts(deduction),andtherelatingofnewknowledgeandinformation to our existing context of knowledge. It is thepursuit ofmeaning

andanunderstandingofrelationships.Itsguideisthelawofnoncontradiction—nothingcanbetrueandnottrue(Aandnon-A)atthesametimeandinthesamerespect.Itsbaseisrespectforfacts.

Rationality should not be confused, as it so often is,with compulsive rulefollowingorunreflectiveobediencetowhatthepeopleofagiventimeorplacehave proclaimed to be “reasonable.” On the contrary, rationality often mustchallengewhatsomegroupcalls“reasonable.”(Whenaparticularnotionofthe“reasonable” has been overthrown by new evidence, it is that notion and notreason that has been vanquished.) The quest of reason is for thenoncontradictory integration of experience—which implies openness andavailabilitytoexperience.Itistheservantneitheroftraditionnorconsensus.

Highself-esteemisintrinsicallyrealityoriented.

It is very far from that odd notion of rationality that identifies it with the

unimaginative,narrowlyanalytic,accountingmentality,aswefind,forinstance,in Peters and Waterman’s In Search of Excellence, where “rationality” ischaracterized in this way and then criticized. Rationality is consciousnessoperatinginitsexplicitlyintegrativemode.

Thusunderstood,weseethatacommitmenttorationalityandthepracticeoflivingconsciouslyentaileachother.

Realism. In this context the term simply means a respect for facts, arecognitionthatwhatis,is,andwhatisnot,isnot.Noonecanfeelcompetenttocope with the challenges of life who does not treat seriously the distinctionbetween the real and the unreal; obliviousness to that distinction isincapacitating. High self-esteem is intrinsically reality oriented. (Good realityorientation,inconjunctionwitheffectiveself-disciplineandself-management,iswhatpsychologistsmeanbytheconceptof“egostrength.”)

In tests, low-self-esteem individuals tend to underestimate or overestimatetheir abilities; high-self-esteem individuals tend to assess their abilitiesrealistically.

Intuitiveness. Very often—especially, for example, in making complexdecisions—thenumberofvariablesthatneedtobeprocessedandintegratedarefarmorethantheconsciousmindcanhandle.Complex,superrapidintegrationscanoccurbeneathconsciousawarenessandpresent themselvesas“intuitions.”

Themind can then scan data for supporting or conflicting evidence.Men andwomenwhohave a context of beinghighly conscious andhighly experiencedsometimes find themselves relying on these subconscious integrations, since arecordofsuccesshastaughtthemthatindoingsotheysucceedmoreoftenthanthey fail. However, when and if that pattern of success shifts and they findthemselvesmakingmistakes,theygobacktomoreexplicitandconsciousformsof rationality. Because the intuitive function often allows them to makeunexpected leaps that ordinary thinking may be slower to arrive at, theyexperience intuition as central to their process; high-level business executivessometimes credit intuition for many of their achievements. A mind that haslearned to trust itself is more likely to rely on this process (and manage iteffectivelywithappropriaterealitytesting)thanonethathasnot.Thisisequallytrue in business, athletics, the sciences, the arts—in most complex humanactivities. Intuition is significant relative to self-esteem only insofar as itexpresseshighsensitivityto,andappropriateregardfor,internalsignals.Earlyin this century Carl Jung stressed the importance of this respect for internalsignals to creativity. More recently Carl Rogers linked it to self-acceptance,authenticity,andpsychologicalhealth.

Creativity.Creativepersons listen toand trust their innersignalsmore thantheaverage.Theirmindsarelesssubservienttothebeliefsystemsofothers,atleastintheareaoftheircreativity.Theyaremoreself-sufficient.Theymaylearnfromothers and be inspired by others.But they value their own thoughts andinsightsmorethantheaveragepersondoes.

Studies tell us that creativepeople are farmore likely to record interestingideas in a notebook; spend time nursing and cultivating them; put energy intoexploringwheretheymightlead.Theyvaluetheproductionsoftheirmind.

Personsoflowself-esteemtendtodiscounttheproductionsoftheirmind.Itisnotthattheynevergetworthwhileideas.Buttheydonotvaluethem,donottreatthemaspotentiallyimportant,oftendonotevenrememberthemverylong—rarelyfollowthroughwiththem.Ineffect,theirattitudeis,“Iftheideaismine,howgoodcanitbe?”

Independence.Apracticeofthinkingforoneselfisanaturalcorollary—bothacauseandaconsequence—ofhealthyself-esteem.Soisthepracticeoftakingfullresponsibilityforone’sownexistence—fortheattainmentofone’sgoalsandtheachievementofone’shappiness.

Amindthattrustsitselfislightonitsfeet.

Flexibility. To be flexible is to be able to respond to change without

inappropriateattachmentsbindingoneto thepast.Aclingingto thepast in thefaceofnewandchangingcircumstancesisitselfaproductofinsecurity,alackofself-trust. Rigidity is what animals sometimes manifest when they arefrightened: they freeze. It is also what companies sometimes manifest whenfacedwithsuperiorcompetition.Theydonotask,“Whatcanwelearnfromourcompetitors?”Theyclingblindlytowhattheyhavealwaysdone,indefianceofevidencethatit isnolongerworking.(ThishasbeentheresponseoftoomanybusinessleadersandworkerstothechallengeoftheJapanesesincethe1970s.)Rigidityisoftentheresponseofamindthatdoesnottrustitselftocopewiththenewormaster theunfamiliar—or that has simplybecomecomplacent or evenslovenly. Flexibility, in contrast, is the natural consequence of self-esteem. Amind that trusts itself is light on its feet, unemcumbered by irrelevantattachments,abletorespondquicklytonoveltybecauseitisopentoseeing.

Able tomanage change. Self-esteemdoes not find change frightening, forthe reasons stated in the preceding paragraph. Self-esteem flows with reality;self-doubt fights it. Self-esteem speeds up reaction time; self-doubt retards it.(Forthisreasonalone,inaglobaleconomyasfast-movingasours,thebusinesscommunity will need to examine how principles of self-esteem can beincorporated into training programs as well as into an organization’s culture.And schoolswill need these sameprinciples to prepare students for theworldtheywillbeenteringandinwhichtheywillhavetoearnaliving.)Theabilitytomanage change is thus correlated with good reality orientation, mentionedabove,andthuswithegostrength.

Willingnesstoadmit(andcorrect)mistakes.Abasiccharacteristicofhealthyself-esteemisastrongrealityorientation.Factsareahigherprioritythanbeliefs.Truth is a higher value than having been right. Consciousness is perceived asmore desirable than self-protective unconsciousness. If self-trust is tied torespectforreality,thencorrectinganerrorisesteemedabovepretendingnottohavemadeone.

Healthyself-esteemisnotashamedtosay,whentheoccasionwarrantsit,“Iwas wrong.” Denial and defensiveness are characteristics of insecurity, guilt,feelings of inadequacy, and shame. It is low self-esteem that experiences asimpleadmissionoferrorashumiliationandevenself-damnation.

Benevolenceandcooperativeness.Studentsofchilddevelopmentknowthatachildwhoistreatedwithrespecttendstointernalizethatrespectandthentreatothers with respect—in contrast to a child who is abused, internalizes self-contempt,andgrowsupreactingtoothersoutoffearandrage.IfIfeelcenteredwithinmyself,securewithmyownboundaries,confidentinmyrighttosayyeswhenIwanttosayyesandnowhenIwanttosayno,benevolenceisthenaturalresult.Thereisnoneedtofearothers,noneedtoprotectmyselfbehindafortressofhostility.IfIamsecureinmyrighttoexist,confidentthatIbelongtomyself,unthreatened by certainty and self-confidence in others, then cooperationwiththem to achieve sharedgoals tends todevelop spontaneously.Sucha responseclearlyistomyself-interest,satisfiesavarietyofneeds,andisnotobstructedbyfearandself-doubt.

Empathyandcompassion,nolessthanbenevolenceandcooperativeness,arefarmorelikelytobefoundamongpersonsofhighself-esteemthanamonglow;myrelationshiptoothers tendstomirrorandreflectmyrelationshiptomyself.Commentingontheadmonitiontolovethyneighborasthyself, longshoreman-philosopher Eric Hoffer remarks somewhere that the problem is that this ispreciselywhatpeopledo:Personswhohatethemselveshateothers.Thekillersoftheworld,literallyandfiguratively,arenotknowntobeinintimateorlovingrelationshiptotheirinnerselves.

4

TheIllusionofSelf-Esteem

When self-esteem is low,we are oftenmanipulated by fear. Fear of reality, towhich we feel inadequate. Fear of facts about ourselves—or others—that wehavedenied,disowned,orrepressed.Fearofthecollapseofourpretenses.Fearof exposure. Fear of the humiliation of failure and, sometimes, theresponsibilitiesofsuccess.Welivemoretoavoidpainthantoexperiencejoy.

If we feel that crucial aspects of reality with which we must deal arehopelesslyclosedtoourunderstanding;ifwefacethekeyproblemsoflifewithabasicsenseofhelplessness;ifwefeelthatwedarenotpursuecertainlinesofthought because of the unworthy features of our own character thatwould bebroughttolight—ifwefeel,inanysensewhatever,thatreality is theenemyofourself-esteem(orpretenseat it)—thesefears tend tosabotage theefficacyofconsciousness,therebyworseningtheinitialproblem.

Ifwefacethebasicproblemsoflifewithanattitudeof“WhoamItoknow?Who am I to judge? Who am I to decide?”—or “It is dangerous to beconscious”—or“Itisfutiletotrytothinkorunderstand”—weareundercutattheoutset. A mind does not struggle for that which it regards as impossible orundesirable.

Notthatthelevelofourself-esteemdeterminesourthinking.Thecausationis not that simple. What self-esteem affects is our emotional incentives. Ourfeelingstendtoencourageordiscouragethinking,todrawustowardfacts,truth,andreality,orawayfromthem—towardefficacyorawayfromit.

That iswhy the first steps of building self-esteem can be difficult:We arechallenged to raise the level of our consciousness in the face of emotionalresistance.Weneedtochallengethebelief thatourinterestsarebestservedbyblindness.Whatmakestheprojectoftendifficultisourfeelingthatitisonlyourunconsciousness that makes life bearable. Until we can dispute this idea, wecannotbegintogrowinself-esteem.

Thedangeristhatwewillbecometheprisonersofournegativeself-image.Weallowittodictateouractions.Wedefineourselvesasmediocreorweakorcowardlyorineffectualandourperformancereflectsthisdefinition.

Whilewearecapableofchallengingandactingcontrarytoournegativeself-image—and many people do so, at least on some occasions—the factor thattends to stand in the way is our resignation to our own state. We submit tofeelingsofpsychologicaldeterminism.Wetellourselveswearepowerless.Wearerewardedfordoingso,inthatwedonothavetotakerisksorawakenfromourpassivity.

Wearechallengedtoraisethelevelofourconsciousnessinthefaceofemotionalresistance.

Poorself-esteemnotonlyinhibitsthought,ittendstodistortit.Ifwehavea

bad reputationwith ourselves, and attempt to identify themotivation of somebehavior,wecanreactanxiouslyanddefensivelyandtwistourbrainsnottoseewhat is obvious—or, out of a senseof guilt andgeneralizedunworthiness,wecanbedrawnnottothemostlogicalexplanationofourbehaviorbuttothemostdamaging, to that which puts us in the worst light morally. Only self-condemnationfeelsappropriate.Or,ifweareconfrontedwithunjustaccusationsfromothers,wemayfeeldisarmedandincapableofconfutingtheirclaims;wemayaccept thechargesas true,paralyzedandexhaustedbyaheavyfeelingof“HowcanIdecide?”

The base andmotor of poor self-esteem is not confidence but fear.Not tolive,buttoescapetheterroroflife,isthefundamentalgoal.Notcreativity,butsafety,istherulingdesire.Andwhatissoughtfromothersisnotthechancetoexperience real contact but an escape from moral values, a promise to beforgiven,tobeaccepted,onsomeleveltobetakencareof.

Iflowself-esteemdreadstheunknownandunfamiliar,highself-esteemseeksnewfrontiers.Iflowself-esteemavoidschallenges,highself-esteemdesiresandneeds them. If low self-esteem looks for a chance to be absolved, high self-esteemlooksforanopportunitytoadmire.

Intheseoppositeprinciplesofmotivationwehaveaguidetothehealthofthemind or spirit.We can say that an individual is healthy to the extent that thebasicprincipleofmotivation is thatofmotivationbyconfidence (loveof self,loveoflife);thedegreeofmotivationbyfearisthemeasureofunderdevelopedself-esteem.

PseudoSelf-Esteem Sometimesweseepeoplewhoenjoyworldlysuccess,arewidelyesteemed,or who have a public veneer of assurance and yet are deeply dissatisfied,anxious,ordepressed.Theymayprojecttheappearanceofself-efficacyandself-respect—they may have the persona of self-esteem—but do not possess thereality.Howmightweunderstandthem?

Wehavenotedthattotheextentwefailtodevelopauthenticself-esteem,theconsequenceisvaryingdegreesofanxiety,insecurity,andself-doubt.Thisisthesense of being, in effect, inappropriate to existence (though of course no onethinksofitinthoseterms;perhaps,instead,onethinkssomethingiswrongwithme or I am lacking something essential). This state tends to be painful. Andbecause it is painful, we are often motivated to evade it, to deny our fears,rationalizeourbehavior, andcreate the appearanceof a self-esteemwedonotpossess.WemaydevelopwhatIhavetermedpseudoself-esteem.

Icanprojectanimageofassuranceandpoisethatfoolsalmosteveryoneandyetsecretlytremblewithasenseofmyinadequacy.

Pseudoself-esteemistheillusionofself-efficacyandself-respectwithoutthe

reality. It is a nonrational, self-protective device to diminish anxiety and toprovide a spurious sense of security—to assuage our need for authentic self-esteemwhileallowingtherealcausesofitslacktoremainunexamined.

It isbasedonvaluesunrelated to thatwhichgenuineself-efficacyandself-respectrequire,althoughsometimesthevaluesarenotwithoutmeritintheirowncontext.For example, a largehouse can certainly represent a legitimatevalue,but it isnotanappropriatemeasureorproofofpersonalefficacyorvirtue.Onthe other hand, acceptance into a gang of criminals is not normally a rationalvalue;nordoesitstrengthenauthenticself-esteem(whichisnottosayitmaynotprovide a temporary illusion of security or sense of having a “home” or of“belonging”).

Nothingismorecommonthantopursueself-esteembymeansthatwillnotand cannot work. Instead of seeking self-esteem through consciousness,responsibility, and integrity, we may seek it through popularity, materialacquisitions,orsexualexploits.Insteadofvaluingpersonalauthenticity,wemayvaluebelongingtotherightclubs,ortherightchurch,ortherightpoliticalparty.Instead of practicing appropriate self-assertion, we may practice uncritical

compliance to our particular group. Instead of seeking self-respect throughhonesty,wemay seek it throughphilanthropy—Imust be a goodperson, I do“goodworks.” Instead of striving for the power of competence (the ability toachieve genuine values), we may pursue the “power” of manipulating orcontrollingotherpeople.Thepossibilities forself-deceptionarealmostendless—alltheblindalleysdownwhichwecanloseourselves,notrealizingthatwhatwedesirecannotbepurchasedwithcounterfeitcurrency.

Self-esteemisanintimateexperience;itresidesinthecoreofone’sbeing.Itiswhat I think and feel about myself, not what someone else thinks or feelsaboutme.Thissimplefactcanhardlybeoveremphasized.Icanbelovedbymyfamily,mymate,andmyfriends,andyetnotlovemyself.Icanbeadmiredbymy associates and yet regard myself as worthless. I can project an image ofassuranceandpoise that foolsalmosteveryoneandyetsecretly tremblewithasenseofmyinadequacy.Icanfulfill theexpectationsofothersandyetfailmyown;IcanwineveryhonorandyetfeelIhaveaccomplishednothing;Icanbeadored bymillions and yet wake up eachmorning with a sickening sense offraudulence and emptiness.To attain “success”without attaining positive self-esteem is to be condemned to feeling like an impostor anxiously awaitingexposure.

Theacclaimofothersdoesnotcreateourself-esteem.Neitherdoeserudition,material possessions, marriage, parenthood, philanthropic endeavors, sexualconquests, or face-lifts.These things can sometimesmakeus feel better aboutourselvestemporarilyormorecomfortableinparticularsituations.Butcomfortisnotself-esteem.

Thetragedyofmanypeople’slivesisthattheylookforself-esteemineverydirectionexceptwithin,andsotheyfailintheirsearch.Inthisbookweshallseethatpositiveself-esteemisbestunderstoodasaspiritualattainment,thatis,asavictory in the evolution of consciousness.When we begin to understand self-esteeminthisway,weappreciatethefoolishnessofbelievingthatifwecanonlymanage tomakeapositive impressiononotherswewill thenenjoygoodself-regard.Wewillstoptellingourselves:IfonlyIgetonemorepromotion—ifonlyIbecomeawifeandmother—ifonlyIamperceivedtobeagoodprovider—ifonlyIcanaffordabiggercar—ifIcanwriteonemorebook—acquireonemorecompany—one more lover—one more award—one more acknowledgment ofmy“selflessness”—thenIwillreallyfeelatpeacewithmyself.

Ifself-esteemisthejudgmentthatIamappropriatetolife,theexperienceofcompetence andworth—if self-esteem is self-affirming consciousness, amindthattrustsitself—noonecangenerateandsustainthisexperienceexceptmyself.

Unfortunately,teachersofself-esteemarenolessimpervioustotheworship

offalsegodsthananyoneelse.Irecalllisteningtoalecturebyamanwhooffersself-esteem seminars to the general public and to corporations.He announcedthatoneofthebestwaystoraiseourself-esteemistosurroundourselveswithpeoplewhothinkhighlyofus.Ithoughtofthenightmareoflowself-esteeminpersons surroundedbypraiseandadulation—like rock starswhohaveno ideahow they got where they are and who cannot survive a day without drugs. Ithoughtofthefutilityoftellingapersonoflowself-esteem,whofeelsluckyifheorsheisacceptedbyanyone,thatthewaytoraiseself-esteemistoseekthecompanyonlyofadmirers.

Theultimatesourceofself-esteemisandcanonlybe internal—inwhatwedo, not what others do. When we seek it in externals, in the actions andresponsesofothers,weinvitetragedy.

Certainly it is wiser to seek companions who are the friends of our self-esteemratherthanitsenemies.Nurturingrelationshipsareobviouslypreferableto toxic ones. But to look to others as a primary source of our self-value isdangerous: first,because itdoesn’twork;andsecond,because itexposesus tothedangerofbecomingapprovaladdicts.

Idonotwishtosuggest thatapsychologicallyhealthypersonisunaffectedby the feedback he or she receives from others. We are social beings andcertainlyotherscontributetoourself-perceptions,aswewilldiscuss.Butthereare immensedifferencesamongpeople in the relative importance to their self-esteem of the feedback they receive—persons for whom it is almost the onlyfactorof importanceandpersonsforwhomtheimportanceisagooddeal less.This is merely another way of saying there are immense differences amongpeopleinthedegreeoftheirautonomy.

Innovatorsandcreatorsarepersonswhocantoahigherdegreethanaverageaccepttheconditionofaloneness.

Havingworkedformanyyearswithpersonswhoareunhappilypreoccupied

with the opinions of others, I am persuaded that themost effectivemeans ofliberation is by raising the level of consciousness one brings to one’s ownexperience:Themoreoneturnsupthevolumeonone’sinnersignals,themoreexternalsignalstendtorecedeintoproperbalance.AsIwroteinHonoring theSelf,thisentailslearningtolistentothebody,learningtolistentotheemotions,learning to think for oneself. In subsequent chapterswe shall saymore abouthowthiscanbedone.

Independence The alternative to excessive dependence on the feedback and validation ofothers is a well-developed system of internal support. Then, the source ofcertaintylieswithin.TheattainmentofthisstateisessentialtowhatIunderstandasproperhumanmaturity.

Innovatorsandcreatorsarepersonswhocantoahigherdegreethanaverageaccept the conditionof aloneness—that is, the absenceof supportive feedbackfromtheirsocialenvironment.Theyaremorewillingtofollowtheirvision,evenwhenittakesthemfarfromthemainlandofthehumancommunity.Unexploredspacesdonotfrightenthem—ornot,atanyrate,asmuchastheyfrightenthosearound them. This is one of the secrets of their power—the great artists,scientists,inventors,industrialists.Isnotthehallmarkofentrepreneurship(inartorsciencenolessthaninbusiness)theabilitytoseeapossibilitythatnooneelsesees—and to actualize it? Actualizing one’s visionmay of course require thecollaborationofmanypeopleabletoworktogethertowardacommongoal,andthe innovatormay need to be highly skillful at building bridges between onegroupandanother.Butthisisaseparatestoryanddoesnotaffectmybasicpoint.

That which we call “genius” has a great deal to do with independence,courage,anddaring—agreatdealtodowithnerve.Thisisonereasonweadmireit. In the literal sense, such “nerve” cannot be taught; butwe can support theprocessbywhichitislearned.Ifhumanhappiness,well-being,andprogressareourgoals,itisatraitwemuststrivetonurture—inourchild-rearingpractices,inourschools,inourorganizations,andfirstofallinourselves.

PARTII

InternalSourcesofSelf-Esteem

5

TheFocusonAction

Webeginnotwith theenvironmentbutwith theindividual.Webeginnotwithwhatotherschoosetodobutwithwhattheindividualchoosestodo.

Thisrequiresanexplanation.Itmightappearmorelogicaltostartwithhowthefamilyenvironmentpositivelyornegativelyinfluencestheslowlyemergingselfofthechild.Possiblebiologicalfactorsaside,surelythisiswherethestorybegins,itwouldseem.Butforourpurposes—no.

Webeginbyasking,Whatmustanindividualdotogenerateandsustainself-esteem?Whatpatternofactionsmustbeadopted?Whatistheresponsibilityofyouandmeasadults?

Inansweringthis,wehaveastandardbywhichtoanswerthequestion,Whatmust a child learn to do if he or she is to enjoy self-esteem? What is thedesirable path of childhood development? And also, What practices shouldcaringparentsandteachersseektoevoke,stimulate,andsupportinchildren?

Until we know what practices an individual must master to sustain self-esteem,untilweidentifywhatpsychologicallyhealthyadulthoodconsistsof,welack criteria by which to assess what constitutes a favorable or unfavorablechildhoodinfluenceorexperience.Forexample,weknowthat,asaspecies,ourmind is ourbasic tool of survival andof appropriate adaptation.Achild’s lifebegins in a condition of total dependency, but an adult’s life and well-being,from the attainment of the simplest necessities to the most complex valuesdepend on the ability to think. Consequently, we recognize that childhoodexperiencesthatencourageandnurturethinking,self-trust,andautonomyaretobe valued. We recognize that families in which reality is often denied andconsciousness often punished place devastating obstacles to self-esteem; theycreateanightmareworld inwhich thechildmay feel that thinking isnotonlyfutilebutdangerous.

In approaching the roots of self-esteem, why do we put our focus on

practices,thatis,on(mentalorphysical)actions?Theansweristhateveryvaluepertaining to life requires action tobe achieved, sustained,or enjoyed. InAynRand’sdefinition, life is aprocessof self-generatedand self-sustainingaction.The organs and systemswithin our body support our existence by continuousaction.We pursue andmaintain our values in the world through action. As IdiscussinsomedetailinThePsychologyofSelf-Esteem,itisintheverynatureofavaluethatit is theobjectofanaction.Andthisincludesthevalueofself-esteem.

Whatdeterminesthelevelofself-esteemiswhattheindividualdoes.

If a child grows up in an appropriately nurturing home environment, the

likelihood is increased that he or she will learn the actions that support self-esteem(althoughthereisnoguarantee).Ifachildisexposedtotherightkindofteachers, the likelihood is increased that self-esteem-supporting behaviorswillbelearned.Ifapersonexperiencessuccessfulpsychotherapy,inwhichirrationalfears are dissolved and blocks to effective functioning are removed, aconsequence is that he or she will manifest more of the kind of actions thatsupport self-esteem. But it is a person’s actions that are decisive. Whatdetermines the level of self-esteem is what the individual does, within thecontextofhisorherknowledgeandvalues.Andsinceactionin theworld isareflectionofactionwithinthemindoftheindividual,itistheinternalprocessesthatarecrucial.

Weshallseethat“thesixpillarsofself-esteem”—thepracticesindispensableto the health of themind and the effective functioning of the person—are alloperationsofconsciousness.Allinvolvechoices.Theyarechoicesthatconfrontuseveryhourofourexistence.

Note that “practice” has connotations that are relevant here. A “practice”impliesadisciplineofactinginacertainwayoverandoveragain—consistently.It is not action by fits and starts, or even an appropriate response to a crisis.Rather it is away of operating day by day, in big issues and small, away ofbehavingthatisalsoawayofbeing.

VolitionandItsLimits Free will does not mean omnipotence. Volition is a powerful force in our

lives,butitisnottheonlyforce.Neitherforayoungpersonnorforanadultisour freedom absolute and unlimited. Many factors can make the appropriateexerciseofconsciousnesseasierorharder.Someofthesefactorsmaybegenetic,biological.Focusedthinkingmaycomemoreeasilytosomeindividualsthantoothers because of factors that precede any life experiences.There is reason tosuspectthatwemaycomeintothisworldwithcertaininherentdifferencesthatmay make it easier or harder to attain healthy self-esteem—differencespertaining to energy, resilience, disposition to enjoy life, and the like.Furthermore,wemay come into thisworldwith significant differences in ourpredisposition to experienceanxietyordepression, and thesedifferences againmaymakeiteasierorhardertodevelopself-esteem.

Then there are developmental factors. The environment can support andencourage the healthy assertion of consciousness, or it can oppose andundermineit.Manyindividualssuffersomuchdamageintheearlyyears,beforethe self is fully formed, that it is all but impossible for healthy self-esteem toemergelaterwithoutintensepsychotherapy.

ParentingandItsLimits Research suggests thatoneof thebestways tohavegood self-esteem is tohaveparentswhohavegoodself-esteemandwhomodelit,asismadeclearinStanleyCoopersmith’sTheAntecedentsofSelf-Esteem. Inaddition, ifwehaveparents who raise us with love and respect; who allow us to experienceconsistent and benevolent acceptance;who give us the supporting structure ofreasonable rules and appropriate expectations; who do not assail us withcontradictions;whodonot resort to ridicule,humiliation,orphysical abuse asmeans of controlling us;who project that they believe in our competence andgoodness—wehaveadecentchanceofinternalizingtheirattitudesandtherebyof acquiring the foundation for healthy self-esteem.But no research studyhasever found this result to be inevitable. Coopersmith’s study, for one, clearlyshowsthatitisnot.Therearepeoplewhoappeartohavebeenraisedsuperblybythe standards indicated above and yet are insecure, self-doubting adults. Andtherearepeoplewhohaveemergedfromappallingbackgrounds,raisedbyadultswho did everything wrong, and yet they do well in school, form stable andsatisfyingrelationships,haveapowerfulsenseoftheirvalueanddignity,andasadults satisfy any rational criterion of good self-esteem. As children, theseindividualsseemtoknowhowtoextractnourishmentfromanenvironmentthatothers find hopelessly barren; they findwaterwhere others see only a desert.

Baffled psychologists and psychiatrists sometimes describe this group as “theinvulnerables.”1

Nonetheless, it is safe enough to say that if one lives in a sane humanenvironmentinwhichrealityisrespectedandpeople’sbehavioriscongruent,itis far easier to persevere in efforts to be rational and productive than if thesignals are always switching, nothing seems real, facts are denied, andconsciousness is penalized. Families that create such destructive environmentsaredescribedasdysfunctional.Justastherearedysfunctionalfamilies,therearedysfunctional schools and dysfunctional organizations. They are dysfunctionalbecausetheyplaceobstaclesinthepathoftheappropriateexerciseofmind.

InnerBlocks Within an individual’s psyche itself, theremaybe obstructions to thinking.Subconsciousdefenses andblocksmaymakeusoblivious even to theneed tothinkaboutaparticularissue.Consciousnessisacontinuum;itexistsonmanylevels.Anunresolvedproblemat one levelmay subvert operations at another.For example, if I blockmy feelings aboutmy parents—if I cut off access tothosefeelingsthroughdenial,disowning,andrepression—andthentrytothinkaboutmy relationshipwithmyboss, Imayhavedisconnectedmyself fromsomuchpertinentmaterialthatIcaneasilybecomemuddledanddiscouragedandgive up. Or, if I block major negative feelings about some assignment mymanager has given me and find that my interactions with my team arepersistently and mysteriously abrasive, I may experience great difficulty inthinkinghowtoresolvetheabrasivenessaslongasIremainunconsciousofthedeeper source of the disturbance.Even so,my self-esteemwill be affected bywhetherItrytobringconsciousnesstomyproblem.

WhatWeDoKnow While we may not know all the biological or developmental factors thatinfluence self-esteem, we know a good deal about the specific (volitional)practices that can raise or lower it. We know that an honest commitment tounderstanding inspires self-trust and that an avoidance of the effort has theoppositeeffect.Weknow thatpeoplewho livemindfully feelmorecompetentthan thosewho livemindlessly.We know that integrity engenders self-respectand that hypocrisy does not. We “know” all this implicitly, although it isastonishinghow rarely suchmatters arediscussed (byprofessionalsor anyone

else).As adults, we cannot regrow ourselves, cannot relive our childhoods with

differentparents.Wemay,of course,need toconsiderpsychotherapy.But thatoption aside, we can ask:What can I do today to raise the level of my self-esteem?

Wewillseethat,whateverourhistories,ifweunderstandthenatureofself-esteem and the practices it depends on, most of us can do a great deal. Thisknowledge is important for two reasons.First, ifwewish toworkonourownself-esteem,weneedtoknowwhatspecificpracticeshavethepowertoraiseit.Second,ifweareworkingwithothersandwishtosupporttheirself-esteem,toinspireandbringoutthebestinthem,weneedtoknowwhatspecificpracticesweaimtonurtureorfacilitate.

Wemustbecomewhatwewishtoteach.

Asanasidetoparents,teachers,psychotherapists,andmanagerswhomaybe

readingthisbooktogaininsightonhowtosupporttheself-esteemofothers,Iwant to say that the place to begin is still with oneself. If one does notunderstand how the dynamics of self-esteemwork internally—if one does notknow by direct experiencewhat lowers or raises one’s own self-esteem—onewill not have that intimate understanding of the subject necessary tomake anoptimalcontributiontoothers.Also,theunresolvedissueswithinoneselfsetthelimitsofone’seffectivenessinhelpingothers.Itmaybetempting,butitisself-deceivingtobelievethatwhatonesayscancommunicatemorepowerfullythanwhatonemanifestsinone’sperson.Wemustbecomewhatwewishtoteach.

ThereisastoryIliketotellpsychotherapystudents.InIndia,whenafamilyencounters a problem, they are not likely to consult a psychotherapist (hardlyanyareavailable); theyconsult the localguru. Inonevillage therewasawisemanwhohadhelpedthisfamilymorethanonce.Onedaythefatherandmothercametohim,bringingtheirnine-year-oldson,andthefathersaid,“Master,ourson is a wonderful boy and we love him very much. But he has a terribleproblem, a weakness for sweets that is ruining his teeth and health.We havereasonedwithhim,arguedwithhim,pleadedwithhim,chastisedhim—nothingworks.Hegoesonconsumingungodlyquantitiesofsweets.Canyouhelpus?”To the father’s surprise, the guru answered, “Go away and come back in twoweeks.”Onedoesnotarguewithaguru,sothefamilyobeyed.Twoweekslaterthey faced him again, and the guru said, “Good. Nowwe can proceed.” The

fatherasked,“Won’tyoutellus,please,whyyousentusawayfor twoweeks.Youhave never done that before.”And the guru answered, “I needed the twoweeks because I, too, have had a lifelong weakness for sweets. Until I hadconfrontedand resolved that issuewithinmyself, Iwasnot ready todealwithyourson.”

Notallpsychotherapistslikethisstory.

Sentence-CompletionWork InthecourseofthisbookIgivemanyexamplesofhowsentence-completionexercisescanbeusedtostrengthenself-esteem.Sentence-completionworkisatoolbothof therapyandof research.Havingbegunworkingwith it in1970, Ihave found increasingly more extensive and illuminating ways to use it tofacilitate self-understanding, melt repressive barriers, liberate self-expression,activate self-healing—and continually test and retestmy ownhypotheses.Theessenceofthemethodisthattheclient(orsubject)isgivenasentencestem,anincompletesentence,andaskedtorepeatthestemoverandoveragain,eachtimeproviding a different ending. Then another stem is given, and then another,allowingonetoexploreaparticularareaatdeeperanddeeperlevels.Thisworkmaybedoneverballyorinwriting.

Sentence-completion work plays a vital role in determining what thingspeopledothatraiseorlowerself-esteem.Whencertainpatternsofendingsshowupagainandagainwithdifferentkindsofpopulations indifferentpartsof thecountry and in different countries throughout the world, it is clear thatfundamentalrealitiesarebeingilluminated.

InthechaptersthatfollowIincludemanyexamplesofthekindofsentencecompletionsIuse,fortworeasons.Oneistogivereadersanopportunitytocarrythe work further themselves if they wish to integrate the ideas of “the sixpractices” into their daily lives. The other is to provide a means by whichpsychologists and psychiatrists can test out the ideas of this book and see forthemselves whether I have in fact identified themost important behaviors onwhichself-esteemdepends.

TheSixPractices Since self-esteem is a consequence, a product of internally generatedpractices,wecannotworkonself-esteemdirectly,neitherourownnoranyoneelse’s.Wemust address ourselves to the source. If we understandwhat these

practicesare,wecancommittoinitiatingthemwithinourselvesandtodealingwithothersinsuchawayastofacilitateorencourage themtodolikewise.Toencourage self-esteem in the schools or in the workplace, for instance, is tocreate a climate that supports and reinforces the practices that strengthen self-esteem.

Whatthen,inbriefestessence,doeshealthyself-esteemdependon?Whatarethe practices ofwhich I speak? Iwill name six that are demonstrably crucial.Workingwithpeople inpsychotherapy tobuildself-efficacyandself-respect, Iam persuaded for reasons I shall explain that these are the key issues. I havefoundnoothersofcomparablefundamentality.ThatiswhyIcallthem“thesixpillarsofself-esteem.” Itwillnotbedifficult toseewhyany improvements inthesepracticesgenerateunmistakablebenefits.

Onceweunderstand thesepractices,wehave thepower tochoose them, toworkonintegratingthemintoourwayoflife.Thepowertodosoisthepowertoraise the levelofourself-esteem,fromwhateverpointwemaybestartingandhoweverdifficulttheprojectmaybeintheearlystages.

Onedoesnothavetoattain“perfection”inthesepractices.Oneonlyneedstoraise one’s average level of performance to experience growth in self-efficacyand self-respect. I have often witnessed the most extraordinary changes inpeople’slivesasaresultofrelativelysmallimprovementsinthesepractices.Infact, I encourage clients to think in terms of small steps rather than big onesbecause big ones can intimidate (and paralyze), while small ones seemmoreattainable,andonesmallstepleadstoanother.

Herearethesixpillarsofself-esteem:

ThepracticeoflivingconsciouslyThepracticeofself-acceptanceThepracticeofself-responsibilityThepracticeofself-assertivenessThepracticeoflivingpurposefullyThepracticeofpersonalintegrity

Inthenextsixchaptersweshallexamineeachoftheminturn.

6

ThePracticeofLivingConsciously

In virtually all of the great spiritual and philosophical traditions of the worldthere appears some formof the idea thatmosthumanbeingsare sleepwalkingthrough their own existence. Enlightenment is identified with waking up.Evolutionandprogressareidentifiedwithanexpansionofconsciousness.

We perceive consciousness as the highestmanifestation of life. The highertheformofconsciousness, themoreadvanced theformof life.Movingup theevolutionary ladder from the time consciousness first emerges on the planet,eachlife-formhasamoreadvancedformofconsciousnessthanthatofthelife-formontherungbelow.

Among our own species,we carry this same principle further:We identifyincreasingmaturitywithwidervision,greaterawareness,higherconsciousness.

Why isconsciousness so important?Because forall species thatpossess it,consciousness is the basic tool of survival—the ability to be aware of theenvironmentinsomeform,atsomelevel,andtoguideactionaccordingly.Iuseconsciousnesshereinitsprimarymeaning:thestateofbeingconsciousorawareofsomeaspectofreality.Wealsomayspeakofconsciousnessasafaculty—theattribute of being able to be aware. To the distinctively human form ofconsciousness,withitscapacityforconceptformationandabstractthought,wegivethenamemind.

As we have discussed, we are beings for whom consciousness (at theconceptuallevel)isvolitional.Thismeansthatthedesignofournaturecontainsanextraordinaryoption—thatofseekingawarenessornotbothering(oractivelyavoidingit),seekingtruthornotbothering(oractivelyavoidingit),focusingourmindornotbothering(orchoosingtodroptoalowerlevelofconsciousness).Inotherwords,wehave theoptionofexercisingourpowersorofsubvertingourmeans of survival and well-being. This capacity for self-management is ourgloryand,attimes,ourburden.

Ourmindisourbasictoolofsurvival.Betrayitandself-esteemsuffers.

Ifwedonotbringanappropriatelevelofconsciousnesstoouractivities, if

we do not livemindfully, the inevitable penalty is a diminished sense of self-efficacy and self-respect. We cannot feel competent and worthy whileconducting our lives in amental fog. Ourmind is our basic tool of survival.Betray it and self-esteem suffers. The simplest form of this betrayal is theevasionofdiscomfitingfacts.Forexample:

“IknowIamnotgivingmyjobmybest,butIdon’twanttothinkaboutit.”“Iknowtherearesignsourbusinessisfallingintoworseandworsetrouble,

butwhatwe’vedoneworkedinthepast,didn’tit?Anywaythewholesubjectis upsetting, and maybe if I sit tight the situation will resolve itself—somehow.”

“‘Legitimategrievances?’What‘legitimategrievances?’Myspousehasbeeninfluencedby thosecrazywomen’s libbers.That’swhyshe’sbeatinguponme.”

“Iknowmychildrensufferfromhavingsolittleofme,IknowIamcausinghurtandresentment,butoneday—somehow—I’llchange.”

“Whatdoyoumean,Idrinktoomuch?IcanstopanytimeIwant.”“IknowthewayIeatiswreckingmyhealth,but—”“IknowI’mlivingbeyondmymeans,but—”“IknowI’mphonyandlieaboutmyaccomplishments,but—”

Through the thousands of choices we make between thinking andnonthinking,beingresponsibletowardrealityorevadingit,weestablishasenseof the kind of personwe are.Consciously,we rarely remember these choices.Butdeepinourpsychetheyareaddedup,andthesumisthatexperiencewecall“self-esteem.”Self-esteemisthereputationweacquirewithourselves.

We are not all equal in intelligence, but intelligence is not the issue. Theprincipleof livingconsciously isunaffectedbydegreesof intelligence.Toliveconsciouslymeanstoseektobeawareofeverythingthatbearsonouractions,purposes,values,andgoals—tothebestofourability,whateverthatabilitymaybe—andtobehaveinaccordancewiththatwhichweseeandknow.

TheBetrayalofConsciousness This last point bears emphasis. Consciousness that is not translated intoappropriate action is a betrayal of consciousness; it ismind invalidating itself.Living consciouslymeansmore than seeing and knowing; itmeans acting onwhat one sees and knows. Thus, I can recognize that I have been unfair andhurtfultomychild(ormyspouseormyfriend)andneedtomakeamends.ButIdon’twanttoadmitImadeamistake,soIprocrastinate,claimingthatIamstill“thinking” about the situation.This is the opposite of living consciously.At afundamental level, it is an avoidance of consciousness—avoidance of themeaning of what I am doing; avoidance of my motives; avoidance of mycontinuingcruelty.

PossibleMisunderstandings Let me anticipate and address possible misunderstandings about theapplicationoftheprincipleoflivingconsciously.

1.Itisinthenatureofhumanlearningthatweautomatenewknowledgeandskills,suchasspeakingalanguageordrivinganautomobile,sothattheydonotcontinue to require of us the level of explicit awareness that was necessaryduringthelearningstage.Asmasteryisattained,theydropintotheaccumulatedrepertoireofthesubconscious—thusfreeingtheconsciousmindforthenewandunfamiliar. Living consciously does not mean that we retain in explicitawareness everything we ever learned, which would be neither possible nordesirable.

2.Tobeoperatingconsciously—tobeinappropriatementalfocus—doesnotmeanthatwemustbeengagedinsometaskofproblemsolvingeverymomentofourwakingexistence.Wemaychoose tomeditate, for example, emptyingourmind of all thought to make ourselves available to new possibilities ofrelaxation,rejuvenation,creativity,insight,orsomeformoftranscendence.Thiscan be an entirely appropriate mental activity—in fact, in some contexts, ahighlydesirableone.And,ofcourse,therearestillotheralternativestoproblemsolving,suchascreativedaydreamingorabandonmenttophysicalplayfulnessorerotic sensation. In matters of mental functioning, context determinesappropriateness.TooperateconsciouslydoesnotmeanalwaystobeinthesamementalstatebutrathertobeinthestateappropriatetowhatIamdoing.If,forexample,Iamtumblingonthefloorwithachild,mymentalstatewillobviouslybeverydifferent fromwhat it iswhenIamworkingonabook.But that Iam

operatingconsciouslywillshowupinthefactthatnomatterhowplayfullysillyImaybecome,partofmymindismonitoringthesituationtoseethatthechildremains physically safe. If, in contrast, I am oblivious to the fact that I amplayingtoohardandhurtingthechild,mylevelofconsciousnessisinadequatetothesituation.Thepointisthattheissueoftheappropriatenessofmystateofconsciousness can only be determined relative to my purposes. There is no“right”or“wrong”stateinavacuum.

3. Given the countless number of things in our world of which it istheoretically possible to be conscious, awareness clearly involves a process ofselection.Inchoosingtoattendhere,Iimplicitlychoosenottoattendelsewhere—at least in thismoment.Sittingatmycomputer andwriting thisbook, I amrelativelyoblivioustotherestofmyenvironment.IfIshiftmyfocus,Ibecomeawareofthesoundofpassingautomobiles,thesoundofachildshoutingandadogbarking.Inanother instantall thatwillbe lost toconsciousawarenessandmymindwillbeabsorbedbythewordsonmycomputerscreenandthewordsforminginmymind.Mypurposeandvaluesdictatethestandardofselection.

When I am writing, I am often in a state of such concentration as to betrancelike; a ruthless process of selection is atwork, butwithin that context IwouldsayIamoperatingatahighlevelofconsciousness.However,if,withoutchanging my state, still preoccupied with my thoughts and oblivious to myexternal environment, Iwere todrivemyautomobile, I couldbechargedwithoperatingatadangerouslylowlevelofconsciousnessbecauseIhadnotadaptedto the change of context and purpose. To say it oncemore:Only context candeterminewhatmind-stateisappropriate.

BeingResponsibleTowardReality Living consciously implies respect for the facts of reality. Thismeans thefactsofourinnerworld(needs,wants,emotions)aswellasoftheouterworld.This contrasts with that disrespect for reality contained in an attitude thatamountsto,“IfIdon’tchoosetoseeitoracknowledgeit,itdoesn’texist.”

Whenweliveconsciouslywedonotimaginethatourfeelingsareaninfallibleguidetotruth.

Livingconsciouslyislivingresponsiblytowardreality.Wedonotnecessarily

havetolikewhatwesee,butwerecognizethatthatwhichis,is,andthatwhichisnot,isnot.Wishesorfearsordenialsdonotalterfacts.IfIdesireanewoutfitbutneedthemoneyforrent,mydesiredoesnottransformrealityandmakethepurchaserational.IfIfearanoperationmyphysicianassuresmeisnecessarytosave my life, my fear does not mean I will live equally well without theoperation.Ifastatementistrue,mydenyingitwillnotmakeitfalse.

Thus,whenwe live consciouslywedonot confuse the subjectivewith theobjective.Wedonotimaginethatourfeelingsareaninfallibleguidetotruth.Wecan learn from our feelings, to be sure, and they may even point us in thedirectionofimportantfacts,butthiswillentailreflectionandrealitytesting,andthisentailstheparticipationofreason.

This understood, let us look more closely at what the practice of livingconsciouslyincludes.

TheSpecificsofLivingConsciously Livingconsciouslyentails:

Amindthatisactiveratherthanpassive.Anintelligencethattakesjoyinitsownfunction.Being“inthemoment,”withoutlosingthewidercontext.Reachingouttowardrelevantfactsratherthanwithdrawingfromthem.Beingconcernedtodistinguishamongfacts,interpretations,andemotions. Noticing and confronting my impulses to avoid or deny painful or

threateningrealities.Beingconcernedtoknow“whereIam”relativetomyvarious(personaland

professional)goalsandprojects,andwhetherIamsucceedingorfailing.Beingconcernedtoknowifmyactionsareinalignmentwithmypurposes.Searchingforfeedbackfromtheenvironmentsoastoadjustorcorrectmy

coursewhennecessary.Perseveringintheattempttounderstandinspiteofdifficulties. Being receptive to new knowledge and willing to reexamine old

assumptions.Beingwillingtoseeandcorrectmistakes.

Seekingalwaystoexpandawareness—acommitmenttolearning—therefore,acommitmenttogrowthasawayoflife.

Aconcerntounderstandtheworldaroundme. A concern to knownot only external reality but also internal reality, the

reality of my needs, feelings, aspirations, andmotives, so that I am not astrangeroramysterytomyself.

Aconcerntobeawareofthevaluesthatmoveandguideme,aswellastheirroots, so that I am not ruled by values I have irrationally adopted oruncriticallyacceptedfromothers.

Letuslookateachoftheseitemsinturn.A mind that is active rather than passive. Here we deal with the most

fundamental act of self-assertion: the choice to think, to seek awareness,understanding,knowledge,clarity.

Implicit in this orientation is another self-esteem virtue, that of self-responsibility. Since I am responsible for my own existence and happiness, IchoosetobeconsciousandtobeguidedbytheclearestunderstandingofwhichIamcapable.Idonotindulgeinthefantasythatsomeoneelsecansparemethenecessityofthoughtormakemydecisionsforme.

Anintelligencethattakesjoyinitsownfunction.Thenaturalinclinationofachild is to takepleasure in theuseofmindno less thanofbody.Thechild’sprimarybusinessislearning.Itisalsotheprimaryentertainment.Toretainthatorientationintoadulthood,sothatconsciousnessisnotaburdenbutajoy,isthemarkofasuccessfullydevelopedhumanbeing.

Of course, as adults we cannot choose to feel pleasure in the assertion ofconsciousness if for one reason or another we associate it with fear, pain, orexhaustingeffort.Butanyonewhohaspersevered,overcomesuchbarriers,andlearned to live more consciously will say that such learning becomes anincreasinglygreatersourceofsatisfaction.

Being“inthemoment,”withoutlosingthewidercontext.Containedintheideaoflivingconsciouslyisthatofbeingpresenttowhatoneisdoing.IfIamlisteningtothecomplaintofacustomer,beingpresenttotheexperience.IfIamplaying with my child, being present to the activity. If I am working with apsychotherapyclient,beingwiththeclientandnotsomewhereelse.DoingwhatIamdoingwhileIamdoingit.

Thisdoesnotmeanthatmyawarenessisreducedonlytoimmediatesensoryexperience,disconnected fromthewidercontextofmyknowledge. If Icannotremainrelatedtothatwidercontext,myconsciousnessisimpoverished.Iwish

to be in themoment but not trapped in themoment. This is the balance thatallowsmetobeinthemostresourcefulstate.

Reaching out toward relevant facts rather than withdrawing from them.Whatdetermines“relevance”ismyneeds,wants,values,goals,andactions.DoIstayalerttoandcuriousaboutanyinformationthatmightcausemetomodifymycourseorcorrectmyassumptions,ordoIproceedonthepremisethatthereisnothingnewformetolearn?DoIcontinuallyseekoutnewdataactivelythatmightbehelpful,ordoIclosemyeyestoitevenwhenitispresented?Wedonothavetoaskwhichoptionisthemoreempowering.

Beingconcernedtodistinguishamongfacts,interpretations,andemotions.Iseeyoufrowning;Iinterpretthistomeanyouareangrywithme;Ifeelhurtordefensive or wronged. In reality, I may be correct or incorrect in myinterpretation.ImaybeappropriateorinappropriateinthefeelingwithwhichIrespond.Inanyevent,separateanddistinctprocessesareinvolved.IfIamnotconsciousof this, I tend to treatmyfeelingsas thevoiceof reality,whichcanleadmetodisaster.

Fearandpainshouldbetreatedassignalsnottocloseoureyesbuttoopenthemwider.

Or again, I hear that physicists are struggling with a problem they find

insurmountable(letusassumethisisso);Iinterpretthistomeanthatreasonandsciencehavefailed;I feeldisheartenedanddisturbed,orelatedand triumphant(dependingonmyotherphilosophicalbeliefs).Inreality,allthatisestablishedisthatphysicistssaytheyarestuckonaproblem.Therestiswhatmymindmakesof it, whichmay be rational or irrational, butwhich in either case saysmoreaboutmethanaboutexternalreality.

To live consciously, I need to be sensitive to these distinctions. What Iperceive,whatI interpret it tomean,andhowIfeelabout itare threeseparatequestions.IfIdonotdistinguishamongthem,mygroundinginrealitybecomesthefirstcasualty.Whichmeansmyefficacybecomesthefirstcasualty.

Noticing and confronting my impulses to avoid or deny painful orthreateningrealities.Nothingismorenaturalthantoavoidwhatevokesfearorpain.Sincethisincludesfactsourself-interestrequiresustofaceandconsider,wemayhavetooverrideavoidanceimpulses.Butthisrequiresthatwebeawareofsuch impulses.Whatweneed then isanorientationofself-examinationandself-awareness—of consciousness directed inward as well as outward. Part of

living consciously is being on guard against the sometimes seductive pull ofunconsciousness; this asks for the most ruthless honesty of which we arecapable.Fearandpainshouldbetreatedassignalsnottocloseoureyesbuttoopenthemwider,nottolookawaybuttolookmoreattentively.Thisisfarfromaneasyoreffortlesstask.Itisunrealistictoimaginethatwewillalwaysexecuteit perfectly. But there will be great differences among us with regard to thesincerityofourintention;anddegreesmatter.Self-esteemasksnotforflawlesssuccessbutfortheearnestintentiontobeconscious.

Being concerned to know“where I am” relative tomy various (personalandprofessional)goalsandprojects,andwhetherIamsucceedingorfailing.Ifoneofmygoals is tohaveasuccessfulandsatisfyingmarriage,what is thepresentstateofmymarriage?DoIknow?WouldmypartnerandIanswer thesameway?AremypartnerandIhappywitheachother?Aretherefrustrationsandunresolvedissues?Ifso,whatamIdoingaboutthem?DoIhaveanactionplan,oramImerelyhopingthat“somehow”thingswillimprove?Ifoneofmyaspirationsisonedaytohavemyownbusiness,whatamIdoingaboutit?AmIclosertothatgoalthanIwasamonthagoorayearago?AmIontrackoroff?Ifoneofmyambitionsistobeaprofessionalwriter,whereamIatpresentrelativeto the fulfillmentof that ambition?What am Idoing to actualize it?Will I beclosertofulfillmentnextyearthanthisyear?Ifso,why?AmIbringingasmuchconsciousnesstomyprojectsasIneedto?

Beingconcernedtoknowifmyactionsareinalignmentwithmypurposes.This issue is closely related to the preceding one. Sometimes therewas greatlackofcongruencebetweenwhatwesayourgoalsorpurposesareandhowweinvestourtimeandenergy.Thatwhichweprofesstocareaboutmostmaygetleast from us in attention—whereas that which we say matters much lessreceivesfarmorefromus.Solivingconsciouslyentailsmonitoringmyactionsrelativetomygoals,lookingforevidenceofalignmentormisalignment.Ifthereismisalignment,eithermyactionsormygoalsneedtoberethought.

Searchingforfeedbackfromtheenvironmentsoastoadjustorcorrectmycoursewhennecessary.WhenapilotfliesfromLosAngelestoNewYork,heorshe is always slightlyoff course.This information, called feedback, is relayedbackviainstrumentssothatcontinuingadjustmentsaremadetokeeptheplaneon the right path. In the conduct of our life and the pursuit of our goals, wecannot safely set our course once and remain blind thereafter. The potentialalwaysexists thatnewinformationwill requireanadjustmentofourplansandintentions.

Abusinessleaderwhooperatesatahighlevelofconsciousnessplansfortomorrow’smarket.

If we are operating a business, perhaps we need to revise our advertising

strategy.Perhaps the,managerwecountedon isprovingunable todo the job.Perhaps the product that seemed like a brilliant ideawhen first conceived hasbeen made obsolete by a competitor. Perhaps the sudden emergence of newcompetitors from other countries obliges us to rethink our global strategy.Perhaps recently reported changes indemographicshas future implications forour business that we need to be examining now and relating to our presentprojections. How quick we will be to note such developments and respondappropriatelyhaseverythingtodowiththelevelofconsciousnessatwhichweoperate.

A business leader who operates at a high level of consciousness plans fortomorrow’smarket;aleaderoperatingatamoremodestlevelthinksintermsoftoday’s;aleaderoperatingatalowlevelmaynotrealizethatheisstillthinkingintermsofyesterday’s.

Onamorepersonallevel,supposeIwouldlikecertainnewbehaviorsfrommyspouse.Itakecertainactionsaimedatevokingthesechanges.DoIpersistinthese actions without noting whether they produce a desired result? Do myspouseandIhavetheidenticalconversationfortytimes?Or,ifIseethatwhatIamdoingisnotworking,doItrysomethingelse? Inotherwords,doIoperatemechanicallyorconsciously?

Persevering in the attempt to understand in spite of difficulties. In mypursuitofunderstandingandmasteryIsometimesencounterdifficulties.Whenthis happens, I have a choice: to persevere or give up. Students face thisalternative in their school studies.Scientists face it in strugglingwith researchproblems. Executives face it in the thousand challenges of everyday business.Everyonefacesitinpersonalrelationships.

If we persevere in the will to efficacy yet seem stopped by a barrier wecannotmovethrough,wemaytakearestortryanewapproach,butwedonotsurrender to despair or resign ourselves to defeat. In contrast, if we give up,withdraw, fall into passivity, or go through the motions of trying withoutmeaning it,we shrink the level of our consciousness—to escape the pain andfrustration that accompanied our efforts. The world belongs to those whopersevere. I am reminded of a story told about Winston Churchill. He wasinvited to address a graduating class at a school, and the students waitedexpectantly through the laudatory introduction he received, eager forwhat the

greatmanwouldsay.Finally,Churchillstoodup,lookeddownattheclass,andthundered, “Never-never-never-never-never-never-never give up!” Then he satdown.

Ofcourse,sometimeswemayrationallychoosetodiscontinueoureffortstounderstandormastersomethingbecause,inthecontextofourothervaluesandconcerns,afurtherexpenditureoftime,energy,andresourcesisunjustified.Butthat is a different issue and off our immediate point, except to note that thedecisiontodiscontinueshouldbeconscious.

Being receptive to new knowledge and willing to reexamine oldassumptions.We are not operating at a high level of consciousness ifwe areabsorbedtotallybywhatwebelievewealreadyknowandareuninterestedin,orclosedto,newinformationthatmightbearonourideasandconvictions.Suchanattitudeexcludesthepossibilityofgrowth.

The alternative is not to hold everything we think in doubt but rather tomaintain an openness to new experience and knowledge—because evenwhenwearenotmistaken tobeginwith, evenwhenour startingpremisesarevalid,new clarifications, amendments, and improvements in our understanding arealways possible. And sometimes our premises are mistaken and need to berevised.Whichleadstothenextpoint.

Beingwillingtoseeandcorrectmistakes.Whenweacceptcertainideasorpremises as true, it is almost inevitable that over timewe become attached tothem.Thedangerthenbecomesthatwemaynotwishtorecognizeevidencethatwearemistaken.

It is said of Charles Darwin that any time he encountered some fact thatseemedtomilitateagainsthistheoryofevolution,hewroteitdownimmediatelybecausehedidnottrusthismemorytoretainit.

Living consciously implies that my first loyalty is to truth, not to makingmyselfright.Allofusarewrongsomeofthetime,allofusmakemistakes,butifwehavetiedourself-esteem(orourpseudoself-esteem)tobeingaboveerror,or if we have become overattached to our own positions, we are obliged toshrink consciousness in misguided self-protection. To find it humiliating toadmitanerrorisacertainsignofflawedself-esteem.

Seeking always to expand awareness—a commitment to learning—therefore,acommitment togrowthasawayof life. In thesecondhalfof thenineteenthcenturytheheadoftheU.S.PatentOfficeannounced,“Everythingofimportance that can be invented has been invented.” This was the prevailingviewpoint throughout almost all human history. Until very recently, for thehundreds of thousands of years thatHomo sapiens has existed on this planet,people saw existence as essentially unchanging. They believed that the

knowledgepossibletohumanswasalreadyknown.Theideaofhumanlifeasaprocess of advancing from knowledge to new knowledge, from discovery todiscovery—letaloneofonescientificandtechnologicalbreakthroughfollowinganotherwith exhilarating and disorienting speed—is only a couple of secondsold,measuredinevolutionarytime.Incontrasttoallthecenturiesbehindus,wearelivinginanagewhenthetotalofhumanknowledgedoublesabouteverytenyears.

Onlyacommitment to lifelong learningcanallowus to remainadaptive toourworld.Thosewhobelievetheyhave“thoughtenough”and“learnedenough”areonadownward trajectoryof increasingunconsciousness.The resistanceofmanypeopletobecomingcomputerliterateisasimpleexample.Irecallavice-presidentinabrokeragefirmsayingtome,“Havingtostrugglewithlearningacomputerwasdevastatingtomyself-esteem.Ididn’twanttolearn.YetIhadnochoice—itwasnecessary.Butwhatabattle!”

Tofindithumiliatingtoadmitanerrorisacertainsignofflawedself-esteem.

A concern to understand theworld aroundme. All of us are affected, in

more ways than we can know, perhaps, by the world in which we live—physically, culturally, socially, economically, politically. The physicalenvironmenthasconsequencesforourhealth.Theculturalenvironmentaffectsour attitudes, values, and thepleasurewe take (ordon’t take) inwhatwe see,hear, and read.The social environmentmayhavean impacton the serenityorturbulence of our existence. Economic factors affect our standard of living.Politicalfactorsaffectthemeasureofourfreedomandtheextentofourcontroloverourlives.Somewouldaddtothislistofthesignificantconstituentsofourcontext the cosmic or religious or spiritual dimension, however one interpretsthosewords.Inanyevent,thislistisclearlyanoversimplificationandisofferedonlytopointinadirection.

Tobeoblivious to such forces, to imagine thatweoperate in avacuum, istrulyto liveasasleepwalker.Livingconsciouslyentailsadesire tounderstandourfullcontext.

Obviouslyapersonofhighintelligencewithaphilosophicaldispositionmaycarry this concern farther than a person of more limited intellect. But evenamong persons of modest powers we can discern differences in interest levelwithregardtothesematters—differencesincuriosity,thoughtfulness,awarenessthat there is something aboutwhich to think.And again, sincewe are neither

omniscientnorinfallible,itisourintentionanditsexpressioninactionthatisofprimaryimportance.

A concern to knownot only external reality but also internal reality, thereality of my needs, feelings, aspirations, and motives, so that I am not astrangeroramysterytomyself.InthecourseofmyworkasapsychotherapistIhavemetmanypeoplewhoareproudoftheirknowledgeoftheuniverse,fromphysicstopoliticalphilosophytoaestheticstothemostrecentinformationaboutSaturn to the teachings of Zen Buddhism—and yet who are blind to theoperationsoftheprivateuniversewithin.Thewreckageoftheirpersonallifeisamonument to the magnitude of their unconsciousness concerning the internalworldoftheself.Theydenyanddisowntheirneeds,rationalizetheiremotions,intellectualize (or “spiritualize”) their behavior—while moving from oneunsatisfactoryrelationshiptoanotherorremainingforalifetimeinthesameonewithoutdoinganythingpracticaltoimproveit.Iamnotlivingconsciouslyifmyconsciousnessisusedforeverythingbutself-understanding.

Sometimes our efforts at self-examination hit an impasse for which werequire the assistance of a guide, teacher, or psychotherapist. My focus here,again,isonanunderlyingintention,anorientation:aconcerntoknowtheinnerworldof needs, feelings,motives,mental processes.As contrastedwithwhat?Thatconditionofself-estrangementandself-alienationthattovaryingdegreesisthestateofmostpeople(andaboutwhichIwroteinTheDisownedSelf).

Thisintentionorconcernshowsupinsuchsimplequestionsas:DoIknowwhatIamfeelingatanyparticularmoment?DoIrecognizetheimpulsesfromwhichmyactionsspring?DoInoticeifmyfeelingsandactionsarecongruent?DoIknowwhatneedsordesiresImaybetryingtosatisfy?DoIknowwhatIactuallywant inaparticularencounterwithanotherperson (notwhat I think I“should”want)?DoIknowwhatmylifeisabout?Isthe“program”IamlivingoneIaccepteduncriticallyfromothers,orisitgenuinelyofmyownchoosing?DoIknowwhatIamdoingwhenIparticularlylikemyselfandwhatIamdoingwhen Idon’t?Theseare thekindofquestions that intelligent self-examinationentails.

DoIknowwhatIamdoingwhenIparticularlylikemyselfandwhatIamdoingwhenIdon’t?

Notethatthisisentirelydifferentfromamorbidself-absorptionthatconsists

of taking one’s emotional temperature every ten minutes. I am not

recommending obsessive self-preoccupation. I do not even like to talk about“introspection”inthiscontextbecauseitsuggestssomethingfarmoretechnicalandremotefromtheaverageperson’sexperience.Iprefertotalkabout“theartofnoticing.”Noticingthefeelingsinmybody.Noticingmyemotionsduringanencounter with someone. Noticing patterns in my behavior that may not beservingme.Noticingwhatexcitesmeandwhatdrainsme.Noticingwhetherthevoiceinsidemyheadistrulymyownorbelongstosomeoneelse—perhapsmymother. To notice, I have to be interested. I have to think the practiceworthwhile.Ihavetobelievethereisvalueinknowingmyself.Imayhavetobewilling to look at troublesome facts. I have to be convinced that, longterm, Ihavemoretogainfromconsciousnessthanunconsciousness.

Whydoweneedtonoticebodilyfeelings?Well,toofferonlyoneofmanypossibilities,thiswouldbeveryusefultoadrivenindividualwhowouldpreferto avoid aheart attack andwhowould thusbenefit fromadvancewarningsofstress. Why do we need to notice our emotions during an encounter withsomeone?Tobetter understandour actions and reactions.Whydoweneed tonoticeourpatternsofbehavior?Toknowwhichactions areproducingdesiredresults andwhich aren’t, and to discoverwhat patterns need to be challenged.Whydoweneedtonoticewhatisexcitingandwhatisdraining?Todomoreofthe first and less of the second (a correction that by no means happensautomaticallyor“instinctively”).Whymight itbeworthourefforts to identifythe different voices speakingwithin? To recognize alien influenceswith alienagendas(thevoiceofaparentorareligiousauthority,forexample),tolearnhowtodistinguishone’sown truevoice fromall others, tooperateone’s life as anautonomoushumanbeing.

Aconcern to be aware of the values thatmove andguideme, aswell astheir roots, so that I am not ruled by values I have irrationally adopted oruncriticallyacceptedfromothers.Thispointiscloselyrelatedtotheforegoing.Oneof theformsthat livingunconsciously takes isobliviousness to thevaluesguidingone’sactionsandevenindifferencetothequestion.Allofussometimesdraw mistaken or irrational conclusions from our experience on the basis ofwhichwemay formvaluesharmful toourwell-being.Allofusabsorbvaluesfromtheworldaroundus—fromfamily,peers,andculture—andthesevaluesarenotnecessarilyrationalorsupportiveofourtrueinterests;often,infact,theyarenot.

Ayoungpersonmayseemanyexamplesofdishonestyandhypocrisywhilegrowingup,may conclude, in effect, “This is theway theworldworks, and Imustadapttoit,”andmayasaconsequencedisvaluehonestyandintegrity.

Amanmaybesocializedto identifypersonalworthwithincome;awoman

may be socialized to identify personal worth with the status of the man shemarries.

Suchvaluessubverthealthyself-esteem,andalmost inevitably lead toself-alienation and to tragic life decisions. Living consciously, therefore, entailsreflecting on andweighing in the light of reason and personal experience thevaluesthatsetourgoalsandpurposes.

ANoteonAddictions Theavoidanceofconsciousnessisclearlyevident inproblemsofaddiction.Whenwebecomeaddicted toalcoholordrugsordestructiverelationships, theimplicit intention is invariably to ameliorate anxiety and pain—to escapeawareness of one’s core feelings of powerlessness and suffering. What webecome addicted to are tranquilizers and anodynes. Anxiety and pain are notextinguished, they are merely rendered less conscious. Since they inevitablyresurfacewithstillgreaterintensity,largerandlargerdosesofpoisonareneededtokeepconsciousnessatbay.

Self-destructionisanactbestperformedinthedark.

Whenwebecomeaddictedtostimulants,weareavoidingtheexhaustionor

depression they are intended to mask. Whatever else may be involved in aparticular case, what is always involved is the avoidance of consciousness.Sometimes what is avoided are the implications of a lifestyle that requiresstimulantstobesustained.

To the addict, consciousness is the enemy. If I have reason to know thatalcoholisdangeroustomeandInonethelesstakeadrink,Imustfirstturndownthelightofawareness.IfIknowthatcocainehascostmemylastthreejobsandInonethelesschoosetotakeasnort,Imustfirstblankoutmyknowledge,mustrefuse to seewhat I see and knowwhat I know. If I recognize that I am in arelationship that is destructive tomy dignity, ruinous formy self-esteem, anddangeroustomyphysicalwell-being,andifInonethelesschoosetoremaininit,I must first drown out the voice of reason, fog my brain, and make myselffunctionallystupid.Self-destructionisanactbestperformedinthedark.

APersonalExample All of us can look back over our life and think of timeswhenwe did notbringtosomeconcernasmuchconsciousnessaswasneeded.Wetellourselves,“IfonlyIhadthoughtmore!”“IfonlyIhadn’tbeensoimpulsive!”“IfonlyIhadcheckedthefactsmorecarefully!”“IfonlyIhadlookedaheadabit!”

Ithinkofmyfirstmarriage,whenIwastwenty-twoyearsold.Ithinkofallthesigns(apartfromouryouth)thatweweremakingamistake: thenumerousconflicts between us, the incompatibilities in some of our values, theways inwhich at the corewewerenot eachother’s “type.”Why, then, did I proceed?Becauseofoursharedcommitmenttocertainideasandideals.Becauseofsexualattraction.Because Idesperatelywanted tohaveawoman inmy life.Becauseshewas the firstperson fromwhomIdidnot feelalienated—and I lacked theconfidence that another would come along. Because I naively imagined thatmarriagecouldsolveall theproblemsbetweenus.Therewere“reasons,”tobesure.

Still, if someone had said to me (or if I had somehow thought to say tomyself), “If you were to bring a higher level of consciousness to yourrelationship with Barbara, and to do so steadily, day after day, what do yousupposemighthappen?” Ihave towonderwhat Imighthavebeen led to faceandcometogripswith.Toamindthatisreceptive,sosimpleyetprovocativeaquestioncanhaveastonishingpotency.

Thefactwas,Iexaminedneitherthefeelingsdrivingmetowardmarriagenorthe feelings signaling danger. I did not confront the logical and obviousquestions:Whymarrynow?Whynotwaituntilmoreisresolvedbetweenyou?And because ofwhat I did not do,my self-esteem suffered a subtlewound—somepart ofmeknew Iwas avoiding awareness—although itwouldbeyearsbeforeIfullyunderstoodthis.

There is an exercise that I give to therapy clients today that I wish I hadknownaboutthen.Thecourseofmylifeoverthenextdecadeorsomighthavebeendifferent. Iwill discuss this exercise andothers like it below,but for themomentletmesaythis.IffortwoweeksIhadsatatmydeskeachmorningandwrote the following incomplete sentence inmy notebook: “If I bring a higherlevelofconsciousnesstomyrelationshipwithBarbara—”andthenwrotesixtoten endings as rapidly as I could, without rehearsing, censoring, planning, or“thinking,” I would have found myself making more and more conscious,explicit,andinescapableallthedeepreservationsIhadaboutthisrelationshipaswellasmyprocessofavoidanceanddenial.

I have given this exercise to clients who are confused or conflicted about

some relationship, and the result almost invariably is major clarification.Sometimestherelationshipradicallyimproves;sometimesitends.

Had I known to use this technique, Iwould have had to face the fact thatlonelinesswasdrivingmemorethanadmiration.IfBarbarahaddoneasimilarexercise,shewouldhaverealizedthatshewasnomorerational thanI inwhatwewerepreparingtodo.WhetherwewouldhavehadthecourageandwisdomtostayatthishigherlevelofawarenessissomethingIcanonlyspeculateaboutnow.Thatonewakesupforatimeisnoguaranteethatonewillremainawake.Still, judging from the experience of my clients, it would have beenextraordinarilydifficultforustopersistblindlyonourcoursebecausewewouldno longer have been blind, and opening one door clears the way to openinganotherandthenanother.

ConsciousnessandtheBody It was the achievement of Wilhelm Reich to bring the body intopsychotherapy—inotherwords,tomakecliniciansawarethatwhenfeelingsandemotionsareblockedandrepressed,theprocessofimplementationisphysical:Breathing is restricted and muscles are contracted. When this happensrepeatedly,theblocksbecomepartofthebodystructure—“thebodyarmor,”inReich’s phrase—and what began as the psychological becomes somaticized.Breathingmaybesohabituallyshallowandmusclessolittlecontractedthattheflowoffeelingisobstructedandconsciousnessisdiminishedaccordingly.Whenbody therapistswork to release thebreathingandopenareasof tightmuscularcontraction, theperson feelsmoreand ismoreaware.Bodywork can liberateblockedconsciousness.

ThisistrueinalltheschoolsofbodyworkthathavegonebeyondReichtoamore advanced understanding of the interactions between psyche and soma.Freeingthebodycontributestofreeingthemind.

In the early 1970s I went through a program of “rolfing” (named afterfounder Ida Rolf), more formally called “structural integration.” This processinvolvesdeepmassageandmanipulationofthemusclefasciatorealignthebodyin more appropriate relation to gravity, to correct imbalances caused byentrenched muscular contractions, and to open areas of blocked feeling andenergy.

Iwasfascinatedbytheresponseofmyclients.Manysaidtheysawchanges,weekbyweek:Ibecamemoresensitiveandmoreperceptiveinmywork.Asmyownbody seemed toopen tomeand somehow tobecomemore“available,” I

foundthatIcouldmoreexpertly“read”thebodiesofothers.Isawhowaclientwassitting,standing,ormoving,andIinstantlyknewvolumesabouthisorherinnerlife.SpontaneouslyIhadshiftedtoamuchhigherlevelofconsciousnessinmywork through a process that began as increased consciousness ofmy ownbody.

WhenIreportedthisenthusiasticallytothemanwhowasrolfingme,hesaidthatnoteveryonehadthatexperienceandthatitwastheresultnotoftherolfingalone but also of the high level of awarenesswithwhich I participated in theprocess. “It’s like psychotherapy,” he explained. “Clients who bring a lot ofconsciousnesstotheworkdobetterthanclientswhoaremorepassive,whojustshowupandexpectthetherapisttodoeverything.”

Thepoint I ammaking is that if one’sgoal is tooperate at ahigh levelofconsciousness,abodyarmoredagainstfeelingisaseriousimpediment.

Sentence Completions to Facilitate the Art ofLivingConsciously

Sentence-completionworkisadeceptivelysimpleyetuniquelypowerfultoolforraisingself-understanding,self-esteem,andpersonaleffectiveness.Itrestsonthepremisethatallofushavemoreknowledgethanwenormallyareawareof—more wisdom than we use, more potentials than typically show up in ourbehavior. Sentence completion is a tool for accessing and activating these“hiddenresources.”

Sentencecompletioncanbeusedinmanyways.HereIwilldescribeawayIfindparticularlyeffective.

Theessenceofthisprocedureistowriteanincompletesentence,asentencestem,andtokeepaddingdifferentendings—thesolerequirementbeingthateachendingbeagrammaticalcompletionofthesentence.Wewantaminimumofsixendings.

Weshouldworkasrapidlyaspossible—nopausesto“think,”inventingifweget stuck, without worrying if any particular ending is true, reasonable, orsignificant.Anyendingisfine,justkeepgoing.

When doing sentence completion this way, we work with a notebook,typewriter, or computer. (An acceptable alternative is to do the sentencecompletionsintoataperecorder,inwhichcaseyoukeeprepeatingthestemintoarecorder,eachtimecompletingitwithadifferenceending.Youplaytheworkbacklatertoreflectonit.)

Sentence-completionworkcanbeusedformanydifferentpurposes.Someof

themwillbeexaminedinthecourseofthisbook.Rightnow,howmightweusethetechniquetofacilitatetheprocessoflearningtolivemoreconsciously?

Firstthinginthemorning,beforeproceedingtotheday’sbusiness,sitdownandwritethefollowingstem:

Livingconsciouslytomemeans—

Then, as rapidly as possible,without pausing for reflection,write asmanyendingsforthatsentenceasyoucanintwoorthreeminutes(neverfewerthansix, but ten is enough). Do notworry if your endings are literally true,makesense,orare“profound.”Writeanything,butwritesomething.

Then,goontothenextstem:IfIbring5percentmoreawarenesstomyactivitiestoday—

(Why only 5 percent? Let us proceed in small, nonintimidating, “bite-sizechews.”Besides,mostofthetime5percentisplenty!)

Then:IfIpaymoreattentiontohowIdealwithpeopletoday—

Then:IfIbring5percentmoreawarenesstomymostimportantrelationships

—

Then:IfIbring5percentmoreawarenessto(fillinaparticularproblemyou

areconcernedabout—forexample,yourrelationshipwithsomeone,orabarrieryou’vehitatwork,oryourfeelingsofanxietyordepression)—

Whenyouarefinished,proceedwithyourday’sbusiness.At theendof theday,asyour last taskbeforedinner,dosix to tenendings

eachforthefollowingstems:WhenIreflectonhowIwouldfeelifIlivedmoreconsciously—WhenIreflectwhathappenswhenIbring5percentmoreawareness

tomyactivities— When I reflect on what happens when I bring 5 percentmore

awarenesstomymostimportantrelationships— When I reflect on what happens when I bring 5 percentmore

awarenessto(whateveryou’vefilledin)—

Dothisexerciseeveryday,MondaythroughFridayforthefirstweek.

Do not readwhat youwrote the day before. Naturally therewill bemanyrepetitions.Butalso,newendingswillinevitablyoccur.Youareenergizingallofyourpsychetoworkforyou.

Sometime each weekend, reread what you have written for the week, andthenwriteaminimumofsixendingsforthisstem:

IfanyofwhatIwrotethisweekistrue,itwouldbehelpfulifI—

In doing this work, the ideal is to empty your mind of any expectationsconcerningwhatwillhappenorwhat is“supposed” tohappen.Donot imposeanydemandsonthesituation.Trytoemptyyourmindofexpectations.Dotheexercise, go about your day’s activities, and merely notice any differences inhowyoufeelorhowyouoperate.Youwilldiscoverthatyouhavesetinmotionforces that make it virtually impossible for you to avoid operating moreconsciously.

Anaveragesessionshouldnottakelongerthantenminutes.Ifittakesmuchlonger,youare“thinking”(rehearsing,calculating)toomuch.

Noticethatthesecondsetofstemsofthedayrelatetothemorning’swork.Icall this the “bookend” approach to sentence completion. The knowledge thatthosestemsarewaitingtobecompletedlaterinthedayenergizesthemotivationtobemoreconsciousthroughouttheday.

The techniquecanbe thoughtofasaprocedurefor learning tomanageourattention—morebroadly, tomanage themind’s“spontaneous”activities.Thereis a discipline to maintaining good self-esteem. And the foundation is thedisciplineofconsciousness itself.This iswhat thetechniqueaimstoassistandsupport.

Afteryouhaveworkedwiththeabovestemsfor,say,twoweeks,youacquireasenseofhowtheprocedureworks.Thenyoucanbegintouseotherstemstohelp raise your awareness with regard to particular issues of concern. Forexample:IfIbring5percentmoreawarenesstowhenIammentallyactiveand

whenIammentallypassive,Imightseethat—(Eveningstem:WhenInoticewhathappenswhenI…etc.) If Ibring5percentmoreawareness tomyrelationshipwith (fill ina

name)—IfIbring5percentmoreawarenesstomyinsecurities—IfIbring5percentmoreawarenesstomydepression—IfIbring5percentmoreawarenesstomyconcernabout(fillitin)—IfIbring5percentmoreawarenesstomyimpulsestoavoidunpleasant

facts—

IfIbring5percentmoreawarenesstomyneedsandwants—IfIbring5percentmoreawarenesstomydeepestvaluesandgoals—IfIbring5percentmoreawarenesstomyemotions—IfIbring5percentmoreawarenesstomypriorities—IfIbring5percentmoreawarenesstohowIsometimesstandinmyown

way—IfIbring5percentmoreawarenesstotheoutcomesofmyactions—IfIbring5percentmoreawarenesstohowIsometimesmakeitdifficult

forpeopletogivemewhatIwant—

Afewcareer-orientedstems:IfIbring5percentmoreawarenesstowhatmyjobrequiresofme— If I bring 5percentmore awareness towhat I knowaboutbeing an

effectivemanager—IfIbring5percentmoreawarenesstowhatIknowaboutmakingsales

—IfIbring5percentmoreawarenesstowhatIknowaboutappropriate

delegating—

Afewstemstoexplore“resistance”:IfIimaginebringingmoreconsciousnessintomylife—Thescarythingaboutbeingmoreconsciousmightbe— If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my fear of operating more

consciously—

I trust this is sufficient to make clear that the possibilities are almostinexhaustible.Ineachoftheaboveexamples,thecorrespondingeveningstemisobvious.

In addition to my psychotherapy practice, I conduct weekly ongoing self-esteemgroupswheremanyofmyself-esteem-buildingstrategiesarecontinuallytested.Homeworkassignmentsusingexercisessuchastheabovehaveproventobepowerfulinquietlyandgentlygeneratingchange.Noonehaseverdonethisparticular “consciousness exercise” for amonth or twowithout reporting (andshowingsignsof)operatingatahigherlevelofawarenessintheconductofdailylife.Theexerciseisadrenalineshotintothepsyche.

AChallenge

Livingconsciously isbothapracticeandamind-set, anorientation towardlife.Clearly it existsona continuum.Noone lives entirelyunconsciously.Nooneisincapableofexpandinghisorherconsciousness.

Ifwereflectonthisissue,wewillnoticethatwetendtobemoreconsciousinsomeareasofour life than inothers. Ihaveworkedwithathletesanddancerswhoare exquisitely awareof the slightest nuanceswithin their body, as far asnerves,muscles,andbloodflowareconcerned—andyetwhoarequiteunawareof the meaning of many of their emotions. We all know people who arebrilliantlyconsciousintheareaofworkandarecatastrophesofunconsciousnessintheirpersonalrelationships.

Wetendtobemoreconsciousinsomeareasofourlifethaninothers.

Thewaysweknowwhatareaofour lifeneedsmoreawarenessareusually

fairlyobvious.Welookattheareawhereourlifeisworkingleastsatisfactorily.Wenoticewherethepainsandfrustrationsare.Weobservewherewefeelleasteffective.Ifwearewillingtobehonest, thisisnotadifficult task.Someofusmayneed tobringmoreawareness to the territoryofourbasicmaterialneeds.Othersneedmorefocusonrelationships.Othersneedmorefocusonintellectualdevelopment.Othersneedtoexamineunexploredpossibilitiesofcreativityandachievement. Others need more concern with spiritual growth. Which needrequirespriorityisafunctionofwhereweareinouroverallevolution,andalsoofourobjectivecircumstances.Contextdeterminesappropriateness.

Letussuppose that,meditatingon thematerial in thischapter,you identifytheareas inyour lifewhereyouareatyourmostconsciousandalso theareaswhereyouareatyourleastconscious.Thenextstepistoreflectonwhatseemstobedifficultaboutstayinginhigh-levelmentalfocusinthetroublesomeareas.Sentence-completionworkcanhelp.Forexample:Thehardthingaboutstayingfullyconscioushereis—

Writesixtotenendingsasquicklyasyoucan.Thentry:Thegoodthingaboutnotbeingfullyconscioushereis—

Thentry:IfIweretostaymoreconscioushere—

Then:

IfIweretoexperimentwithraisingmyconsciousness5percentinthisarea—

(Remembertheprincipleof“bite-sizechews.”)Rightnow,beforecheckingwhatsentence-completionworkcanaccomplish,

youmightfinditstimulatingtoconsiderthefollowingquestions:

Ifyouchoosetobemoreconsciousatwork,whatmightyoudodifferently? Ifyouchoose tobemoreconscious inyourmost important relationships,

whatmightyoudodifferently? If you choose to pay more attention to how you deal with people—

associates, employees, customers, spouse, children, or friends—whatmightyoudodifferently?

Ifyoufeelfearorreluctancetoexpandconsciousnessinanyoftheseareas,whataretheimaginednegativesyouareavoiding?

If,without self-reproach, you bringmore consciousness to your fears orreluctance,whatmightyounotice?

Ifyouwantedtofeelmorepowerfulandeffectiveintheareaswhereyourconsciousnesshasbeenlessthanitneedstobe,whatareyouwillingtodo?

Thepracticeoflivingconsciouslyisthefirstpillarofself-esteem.

7

ThePracticeofSelf-Acceptance

Withoutself-acceptance,self-esteemisimpossible.Infact,itissointimatelyboundupwithself-esteemthatonesometimessees

thetwoideasconfused.Yettheyaredifferentinmeaning,andeachneedstobeunderstoodinitsownright.

Whereas self-esteem is something we experience, self-acceptance issomethingwedo.

Statedinthenegative,self-acceptanceismyrefusal tobe inanadversarialrelationshiptomyself.

Theconcepthasthreelevelsofmeaning,andwewillconsidereachoftheminturn.

TheFirstLevel Tobeself-acceptingistobeonmyownside—tobeformyself.Inthemostfundamentalsense,self-acceptancereferstoanorientationofself-valueandself-commitmentthatderivesfromthefactthatIamaliveandconscious.Assuch,itis more primitive than self-esteem. It is a prerational, premoral act of self-affirmation—akindofnaturalegoismthatisthebirthrightofeveryhumanbeingandyetthatwehavethepowertoactagainstandnullify.

Some people are self-rejecting at so deep a level that no growthwork canevenbeginuntilandunlessthisproblemisaddressed.If it isnot,notreatmentwillhold,nonew learningwillbeproperly integrated,nosignificantadvancescan bemade. Psychotherapistswho do not understand this problem or do notdetect itspresencewillbebaffledas towhycertainclients,evenafteryearsoftherapy,shownoimportantimprovement.

Self-acceptanceismyrefusaltobeinanadversarialrelationshiptomyself.

An attitude of basic self-acceptance is what an effective psychotherapist

strives toawaken inapersonofeven the lowest self-esteem.Thisattitudecaninspireanindividualtofacewhateverheorshemostneedstoencounterwithinwithoutcollapsingintoself-hatred,repudiatingthevalueofhisorherperson,orrelinquishingthewilltolive.Itentailsthedeclaration:“Ichoosetovaluemyself,totreatmyselfwithrespect,tostandupformyrighttoexist.”Thisprimaryactofself-affirmationisthebaseonwhichself-esteemdevelops.

It can lie sleeping and then suddenly awake. It can fight for our life, evenwhenwe are filledwith despair.Whenwe are on the brink of suicide, it canmakeuspickupthetelephoneandcallforhelp.Fromthedepthsofanxietyordepression, it can lead us to the office of a psychotherapist. After we haveendured years of abuse and humiliation, it can fling us finally into shouting“No!”When all we want to do is lie down and die, it can impel us to keepmoving.Itisthevoiceofthelifeforce.Itis“selfishness,”inthenoblestmeaningofthatword.Ifitgoessilent,self-esteemisthefirstcasualty.

TheSecondLevel Self-acceptanceentailsourwillingnesstoexperience—thatis,tomakerealtoourselves,withoutdenialorevasion—thatwethinkwhatwethink,feelwhatwefeel,desirewhatwedesire,havedonewhatwehavedone,andarewhatweare.It is therefusal to regardanypartofourselves—ourbodies,ouremotions,ourthoughts,ouractions,ourdreams—asalien,as“notme.”Itisourwillingnesstoexperience rather than to disownwhatevermay be the facts of our being at aparticularmoment—to think our thoughts, ownour feelings, be present to therealityofourbehavior.

Thewillingnesstoexperienceandacceptourfeelingscarriesnoimplicationthatemotionsaretohavethelastwordonwhatwedo.Imaynotbeinthemoodtoworktoday;Icanacknowledgemyfeelings,experiencethem,acceptthem—andthengotowork.IwillworkwithaclearermindbecauseIhavenotbegunthedaywithself-deception.

Often,whenwefullyexperienceandacceptnegativefeelings,weareabletolet go of them; they have been allowed to have their say and they relinquishcenterstage.

Self-acceptanceisthewillingnesstosayofanyemotionorbehavior,“Thisis

an expression of me, not necessarily an expression I like or admire, but anexpressionofmenonetheless,atleastatthetimeitoccurred.”Itisthevirtueofrealism,thatis,ofrespectforreality,appliedtotheself.

If Iamthinking thesedisturbing thoughts, Iamthinking them;Iaccept thefull reality of my experience. If I am feeling pain or anger or fear orinconvenient lust, I am feeling it—what is true, is true—I do not rationalize,deny,orattempttoexplainaway.IamfeelingwhatIamfeelingandIaccepttherealityofmyexperience.IfIhavetakenactionsofwhichIamlaterashamed,thefactremainsthatIhavetakenthem—thatisreality—andIdonottwistmybraintomakefactsdisappear.IamwillingtostandstillinthepresenceofwhatIknowtobetrue.Whatis,is.

To “accept” is more than simply to “acknowledge” or “admit.” It is toexperience,standinthepresenceof,contemplatetherealityof,absorbintomyconsciousness. I need to open myself to and fully experience unwantedemotions,notjustperfunctorilyrecognizethem.Forexample,supposemywifeasksme, “How are you feeling?” and I answer in a tense, distractedmanner,“Rotten.” Then she says sympathetically, “I see that you are really feelingdepressedtoday.”ThenIsigh,thetensionbeginstoflowoutofmybody,andinanaltogetherdifferenttoneofvoice—thevoiceofsomeonewhoisnowrealtohimself—Isay,“Yes,Iamfeelingmiserable,reallymiserable,”andthenIbeginto talk about what is botheringme.When, withmy body tensed to resist theexperienceofmyfeelings,Ihadanswered“Rotten,”Iwasdenyingmyemotionat thesame time that Iwasacknowledging it.Mywife’ssympathetic responsehelpedmetoexperienceit,whichclearedthewayformetobegintodealwithit.Experiencingourfeelingshasdirecthealingpower.

I can acknowledge some fact and move on with such speed that I onlyimagineIampracticingself-acceptance;Iamreallypracticingdenialandself-deception. Suppose my supervisor is trying to explain why something I havedone on the job was a mistake. She speaks benevolently and withoutrecriminations,andyetIamirritable,impatient,andwishshewouldstoptalkingandgoaway.Whilesheistalking,Iamobligedtostaywiththerealityofhavingmadeanerror.WhensheisgoneIcanbanishtherealityfrommyconsciousness—Iadmittedmymistake,isn’tthatenough?—whichincreasesthelikelihoodthatIwillmaketheerror,oronelikeit,again.

Self-acceptance is the precondition of change and growth. Thus, if I amconfrontedwithamistakeIhavemade,inacceptingthatitismineIamfreetolearnfromitandtodobetterinthefuture.IcannotlearnfromamistakeIcannotaccepthavingmade.

IcannotforgivemyselfforanactionIwillnotacknowledgehavingtaken.

If I refuse toaccept thatoftenI liveunconsciously,howwill I learn to live

moreconsciously?IfIrefusetoacceptthatoftenIliveirresponsibly,howwillIlearn to livemore responsibly? If I refuse toaccept thatoften I livepassively,howwillIlearntolivemoreactively?

IcannotovercomeafearwhoserealityIdeny.IcannotcorrectaprobleminthewayIdealwithmyassociates if Iwillnotadmit itexists. Icannotchangetraits I insist I do not have. I cannot forgive myself for an action I will notacknowledgehavingtaken.

AclientoncebecameangrywithmewhenIattemptedtoexplaintheseideasto her. “How do you expect me to accept my abysmally low level of self-esteem?”shedemandedindignantly.“Ifyoudonotaccept therealityofwhereyouarenow,”Ianswered,“howdoyouimagineyoucanbegintochange?”Tounderstand this point, we must remind ourselves that “accepting” does notnecessarilymean“liking,” “enjoying,”or “condoning.” I can acceptwhat is—and be determined to evolve from there. It is not acceptance but denial thatleavesmestuck.

I cannot be truly for myself, cannot build self-esteem, if I cannot acceptmyself.

TheThirdLevel Self-acceptanceentailstheideaofcompassion,ofbeingafriendtomyself.

SupposeIhavedonesomethingthatIregret,orofwhichIamashamed,andfor which I reproach myself. Self-acceptance does not deny reality, does notargue thatwhat iswrong is really all right, but it inquires into the context inwhich the actionwas taken. Itwants tounderstand thewhy. Itwants toknowwhy something that is wrong or inappropriate felt desirable or appropriate orevennecessaryatthetime.

Accepting,compassionateinterestdoesnotencourageundesiredbehaviorbutreducesthelikelihoodofitrecurring.

Wedonotunderstandanotherhumanbeingwhenweknowonlythatwhathe

or she did is wrong, unkind, destructive, or whatever. We need to know theinternalconsiderationsthatpromptedthebehavior.Thereisalwayssomecontextinwhichthemostoffensiveactionscanhavetheirownkindofsense.Thisdoesnotmeantheyarejustified,onlythattheycanbeunderstandable.

IcancondemnsomeactionIhavetakenandstillhavecompassionateinterestinthemotivesthatpromptedit.Icanstillbeafriendtomyself.Thishasnothingto do with alibiing, rationalizing, or avoiding responsibility. After I takeresponsibilityforwhatIhavedone, Icangodeeper—into thecontext.Agoodfriendmightsaytome,“Thiswasunworthyofyou.Nowtellme,Whatmadeitfeel like a good idea, or at least a defensible one?”This iswhat I can say tomyself.

I have found,withmyclients andwithmyself, that this kindof accepting,compassionate interest does not encourage undesired behavior but reduces thelikelihoodofitrecurring.

Justaswhenweneedtoreproachorcorrectothers,weshouldwishtodosoinwaysthatdonotdamageself-esteem—sincefuturebehaviorwillbeshapedbyself-concept—soweshouldbringthissamebenevolencetoourselves.Thisisthevirtueofself-acceptance.

AnExercise Bywayof introducingclients to the ideaof self-acceptance, Ioften like tobeginwithasimpleexercise.Itcanofferaprofoundlearningexperience.

Standinfrontofafull-lengthmirrorandlookatyourfaceandbody.Noticeyourfeelingsasyoudoso.Iamaskingyoutofocusnotonyourclothesoryourmakeupbutonyou.Noticeifthisisdifficultormakesyouuncomfortable.Itisgoodtodothisexercisenaked.

Youwillprobablylikesomepartsofwhatyouseemorethanothers.Ifyouare like most people, you will find some parts difficult to look at for longbecausetheyagitateordispleaseyou.Inyoureyestheremaybeapainyoudonotwanttoconfront.Perhapsyouaretoofatortoothin.Perhapsthereissomeaspectofyourbodyyousodislikethatyoucanhardlybeartokeeplookingatit.Perhapsyouseesignsofageandcannotbeartostayconnectedwiththethoughtsand emotions these signs evoke. So the impulse is to escape, to flee fromawareness,toreject,deny,disownaspectsofyourself.

Still,asanexperiment,Iaskyoutostayfocusedonyourimageinthemirrora few moments longer, and say to yourself, “Whatever my defects orimperfections, I accept myself unreservedly and completely.” Stay focused,

breathe deeply, and say this over and over again for aminute or twowithoutrushing the process. Allow yourself to experience fully the meaning of yourwords.

Youmayfindyourselfprotesting,“But Idon’t like certain thingsaboutmybody,sohowcanIacceptthemunreservedlyandcompletely?”Butremember:“Accepting”doesnotnecessarilymean“liking.”“Accepting”doesnotmeanwecannot imagine or wish for changes or improvements. It means experiencing,withoutdenialoravoidance,thatafactisafact.Inthiscase,itmeansacceptingthat the face andbody in themirror areyour face andbody and that they arewhattheyare.

Ifyoupersist, ifyousurrender to the realityofwhat is, ifyousurrender toawareness (which iswhat “accepting” ultimatelymeans), youmay notice thatyouhavebeguntorelaxabitandperhapsfeelmorecomfortablewithyourself,andmorereal.

Eventhoughyoumaynotlikeorenjoyeverythingyouseewhenyoulookinthemirror,youarestillabletosay,“Rightnow,that’sme.AndIdon’tdenythefact.Iacceptit.”Thatisrespectforreality.

Whenclientscommittodothisexercisefortwominuteseverymorningandagaineverynightfortwoweeks,theysoonbegintoexperiencetherelationshipbetweenself-acceptanceandself-esteem:amindthathonorssighthonorsitself.But more than that: How can self-esteem not suffer if we are in a rejectingrelationship to our own physical being? Is it realistic to imaginewe can loveourselveswhiledespisingwhatweseeinthemirror?

They make another important discovery. Not only do they enter a moreharmoniousrelationshipwiththemselves,notonlydotheybegintogrowinself-efficacy and self-respect, but if aspects of the self they do not like arewithintheirpowertochange,theyaremoremotivatedtomakethechangesoncetheyhaveacceptedthefactsastheyarenow.

Wearenotmovedtochangethosethingswhoserealitywedeny.And for those things we cannot change, when we accept them we grow

stronger andmore centered;whenwe curse andprotest them,wedisempowerourselves.

ListeningtoFeelings Both accepting and disowning are implemented through a combination ofmentalandphysicalprocesses.

Theactofexperiencingandacceptingouremotionsisimplementedthrough

(1)focusingonthefeelingoremotion,(2)breathinggentlyanddeeply,allowingmusclestorelax,allowingthefeelingtobefelt,and(3)makingrealthatthisismyfeeling(whichwecallowningit).

Incontrast,wedenyanddisownouremotionswhenwe(1)avoidawarenessoftheirreality,(2)constrictourbreathingandtightenourmusclestocutoffornumbfeeling,and(3)disassociateourselvesfromourownexperience(inwhichstateweareoftenunabletorecognizeourfeelings).

When we allow ourselves to experience our emotions and accept them,sometimes this allows us to move to a deeper level of awareness whereimportantinformationpresentsitself.

Onedayaclientbeganreproachingherselfforfeelingangeratherhusbandover the fact that he was leaving on a two-week business trip. She calledherselfirrational,shecalledherselfstupid,shetoldherselfitwasridiculousto feel thatway,but theangerpersisted.Noonehasever talkedherself (oranyoneelse)outofanunwantedemotionbyhurling insultsordeliveringamorallecture.

Iaskedhertodescribeherfeelingofanger,todescribewhereinherbodyshe experienced it andhowexactly it felt to her.Mygoalwas tohaveherenter the feeling more deeply. Annoyed and irritated by my request, shedemanded,“Whatgoodwouldthatdo?Idon’twanttofeeltheanger,Iwanttogetridofit!”Ipersisted,andgraduallyshebegantodescribefeelingsoftensioninherchestandatightknotinherstomach.Thensheexclaimed,“Ifeel indignant, I feeloutraged, I feel:Howcanhedo this tome?”Then, toherastonishment,theangerbegantodissolveandanotheremotionemergedin its place—anxiety. I asked her to enter the anxiety and describe it, andagain her first response was to protest and ask what good it would do. Iguidedhertoexperiencetheanxiety,toimmerseherselfinit,whilebeingawitness to it, describing everything she could notice, and to discover if,perhaps,itwouldspeaktoher.“MyGod!”shecried.“I’mafraidofbeingleftalone!”Againshebegantorebukeherself.“WhatamI,achild?Can’tIbeonmyownfortwoweeks?”Iaskedhertogomoredeeplyintothefearofbeingalone.Shesaidsuddenly,“I’mafraidofwhatImightdowhenhe’sgone.Youknow—other men. I might get involved with another man. I don’t trustmyself.”

By now, the angerwas gone, the anxiety had dissolved, the fear ofloneliness had faded away. To be sure, a problem remained that had to bedealtwith,butnow, since itwasadmitted intoconsciousawareness, itwascapableofbeingdealtwith.

APersonalExample As a teenager, I understood very little about the art of handling unwantedemotionsexceptby“conquering”them.OftenIidentifiedtheabilitytodenyanddisownwith“strength.”

I recallmysometimesacutelypainful feelingsof lonelinessandof longingfor someone with whom I could share thoughts, interests, and feelings. BysixteenIhadaccepted the idea that lonelinesswasaweaknessand longingforhumanintimacyrepresentedafailureofindependence.Ididnotholdthisviewconsistently,butIhelditsomeofthetime,andwhenIdid,Ihadnoanswertothe pain except to tense my body against it, contract my breathing, reproachmyself,and lookforadistraction. I tried toconvincemyself Ididnotcare. Ineffect,Iclungtoalienationasavirtue.

Ididnotgivepeoplemuchofachance.IfeltdifferentfromeveryoneandIsawthedifferenceasanabyssbetweenus.ItoldmyselfthatIhadmythoughtsandmybooksandthatthatwasenough—orshouldbe,ifIwereproperlyself-reliant.

If I had accepted the naturalness ofmy desire for human contact, Iwouldhavelookedforbridgesofunderstandingbetweenmyselfandotherpeople.IfIhadallowedmyselftofeelfullythepainofmyisolation,withoutself-reproach,Iwould havemade friendswith both sexes; Iwould have seen the interest andbenevolencethatwasoftenextendedtome.IfIhadgivenmyselfthefreedomtopassthroughthenormalstagesofadolescentdevelopmentandcomeoutoftheprison of my remoteness, I would not have set myself up for an unfortunatemarriage. I would not have been so vulnerable to the first girl who seemedgenuinelytosharemyinterests.

My chief point here, however, is the effect of my disowning on my self-esteem. That there were “reasons” for my areas of non-self-acceptance is nodoubttrue,butthatisnotthefocusnow.WhatIfeltwaswhatIfelt,whetherIaccepted it or not. Somewhere in my brain was the knowledge that I wascondemning and repudiating apart ofmyself—thepart that longed for humancompanionship. Iwas in an adversarial relationship to part ofwho Iwas.Nomatter what other areas of confidence and happiness I might enjoy, I wasinflictingawoundonmyself-esteem.

By the same logic, when I later learned to embrace the disowned parts ofmyself,Igrewinself-esteem.

AsapsychotherapistIseethatnothingdoesasmuchforanindividual’sself-

esteemasbecomingawareofandacceptingdisownedpartsoftheself.The,firststepsofhealingandgrowthareawarenessandacceptance—consciousnessandintegration.Theyarethefountainheadofpersonaldevelopment.

AnExperiment Ioftenfinditusefultoinviteclientstodothefollowingexercise,bywayofdeepeningtheirunderstandingofself-acceptance.

Takeafewminutestocontemplatesomefeelingoremotionofyoursthatisnoteasyforyoutoface—insecurity,pain,envy,rage,sorrow,humiliation,fear.

When you isolate the feeling, see if you can bring it into clearer focus,perhapsbythinkingoforimaginingwhatevertypicallyevokesit.Thenbreatheinto the feeling, which means focus on the feeling while imagining you aredirectingtheflowofair to itandthenfromit. Imaginewhat itwouldfeellikenottoresistthisfeelingbuttoacceptitfully.Explorethatexperience.Takeyourtime.

Practicesaying toyourself,“Iamnowfeelingsuchandsuch(whatever thefeelingis)andIacceptitfully.”Atfirst,thismaybedifficult;youmayfindthatyou tense your body in protest. But persevere; concentrate on your breathing;think of giving your muscles permission to let go of their tension; remindyourself,“Afactisafact;thatwhichis,is;ifthefeelingexists,itexists.”Keepcontemplatingthefeeling.Thinkofallowingthefeelingtobethere(ratherthantryingtowishorwillitoutofexistence).Youmayfindituseful,asIhave,totellyourself,“Iamnowexploringtheworldoffearorpainorenvyorconfusion(orwhatever).”

Welcometothepracticeofself-acceptance.

WhenSelf-AcceptanceFeelsImpossible Now let us consider the question: Suppose our negative reaction to someexperienceissooverwhelmingthatwefeelwecannotpracticeself-acceptancewithregardtoit?

Inthiscase,letussay,thefeeling,thought,ormemoryissodistressingandagitating that acceptance feels out of the question. We feel powerless not toblock and contract. The solution is not to try to resist our resistance. It is notusefultotrytoblockablock.Instead,weneedtodosomethingmoreartful.Ifwecannot accept a feeling (or a thoughtor amemory),we shouldaccept ourresistance. In otherwords, start by acceptingwherewe are.Be present to the

nowandexperienceitfully.Ifwestaywiththeresistanceataconsciouslevel,itwillusuallybegintodissolve.

Whenwefightablockitgrowsstronger.Whenweacknowledge,experience,andacceptit,itbeginstomelt.

Ifwecanacceptthefactthatrightnow,atthismoment,werefusetoaccept

thatwefeelenvy,oranger,orpain,orlonging,forexample—orthatwerefusetoaccept that we once did or believed such and such—if we acknowledge,experience, and accept our resistance—we discover a supremely importantparadox: The resistance begins to collapse. When we fight a block it growsstronger. When we acknowledge, experience, and accept it, it begins to meltbecauseitscontinuedexistencerequiresopposition.

Sometimesintherapy,whenapersonhasdifficultyacceptingafeeling,Iwillask ifheorshe iswilling toaccept thefactofrefusing toaccept thefeeling. Iaskedthisonceofaclientwhowasaclergymanandwhohadgreatdifficultyinowningorexperiencinghisanger;justthesame,hewasaveryangryman.Myrequestdisorientedhim.“WillIacceptthatIwon’tacceptmyanger?”heaskedme.WhenIanswered,“That’sright,”hethundered,“Irefusetoacceptmyangerand I refuse to acceptmy refusal!” I asked, “Will you accept your refusal toacceptyourrefusal?We’vegottobeginsomewhere.Let’sbeginthere.”

Iaskedhimtofacethegroupandsay“I’mangry”overandoveragain.Soonhewassayingitveryangrilyindeed.

Then I had him say “I refuse to acceptmy anger,”which he shoutedwithescalatingvigor.

ThenIhadhimsay“Irefusetoacceptmyrefusaltoacceptmyanger,”whichheplungedintoferociously.

Then I had him say “But I amwilling to acceptmy refusal to acceptmyrefusal,”andhekeptrepeatingituntilhebrokedownandjoinedinthelaughterofthegroup.

“If you can’t accept the experience, accept the resistance,” he said, and Ianswered,“Right.Andifyoucan’taccepttheresistance,acceptyourresistanceto accepting the resistance.Eventually you’ll arrive at a point you can accept.Thenyoucanmoveforwardfromthere….So,areyouangry?”

“I’mfilledwithanger.”“Canyouacceptthatfact?”“Idon’tlikeit.”

“Canyouacceptit?”“Icanacceptit.”“Good.Nowwecanbegintofindoutwhatyou’reangryabout.”

TwoFallacies We typically encounter two fallacious assumptions when people havedifficultywiththeideaofself-acceptance.Oneisthebeliefthatifweacceptwhoandwhatweare,wemustapproveofeverythingaboutus.Theotheristhebeliefthat if we accept who and what we are, we are indifferent to change orimprovement.“Idon’twanttoacceptmyself!Iwanttolearntobedifferent!”

Butofcoursethequestionis:Ifwecannotacceptwhatis,wherewillwefindthemotivationtoimprove?IfIdenyanddisownwhatis,howwillIbeinspiredtogrow?

Thereisaparadoxhere(aparadox,notacontradiction):Acceptanceofwhatis,isthepreconditionofchange.Anddenialofwhatisleavesmestuckinit.

SentenceCompletionstoFacilitateSelf-Acceptance What follows is a five-week sentence-completion program designed tofacilitate self-acceptance. It ismore detailed than the exercises offered for theotherpillarsbecause,havingtaughttheseideasformanyyears,Ifindthatpeopleoftenhavemoredifficultyfullygraspingself-acceptancethananyotherpracticeIrecommend.

Notice that I include stems dealing with issues I have not explicitlydiscussed,suchasacceptingconflictsoracceptingexcitement.Forexample,ifIcanacceptmyconflicts,Icandealwiththemandmovetowardresolvingthem;and if not, not. If I can accept my excitement, I can live it, I can look forappropriate outlets; if I am afraid ofmy excitement and try to extinguish it, Imay kill the best part ofmyself. Fairly complex ideas are embedded in thesestems. They bear studying and thinking about, and they entail many moreimplicationsthanIcanexplorehere.

WEEK1.MORNINGS:Self-acceptancetomemeans—IfIammoreacceptingofmybody—WhenIdenyanddisownmybody—IfIammoreacceptingofmyconflicts—

EVENINGS:WhenIdenyordisownmyconflicts—IfIammoreacceptingofmyfeelings—WhenIdenyanddisownmyfeelings—IfIammoreacceptingofmythoughts—WhenIdenyanddisownmythoughts—

On the weekends, read over you have written and then write six to tenendingsforIfanyofwhatIhavewrittenistrue,itwouldbehelpfulifI—.Dothiseachweekendthroughouttheprogram.

WEEK2.MORNINGS:IfIammoreacceptingofmyactions—WhenIdenyordisownmyactions—Iambecomingaware—EVENINGS:IfIamwillingtoberealisticaboutmyassetsandshortcomings—IfIammoreacceptingofmyfears—WhenIdenyanddisownmyfears—WEEK3.MORNINGS:IfIammoreacceptingofmypain—WhenIdenyanddisownmypain—IfIammoreacceptingofmyanger—WhenIdenyanddisownmyanger—EVENINGS:IfIammoreacceptingofmysexuality—WhenIdenyanddisownmysexuality—IfIammoreacceptingofmyexcitement—WhenIdenyanddisownmyexcitement—WEEK4.MORNINGS:IfIammoreacceptingofmyjoy—WhenIdenyanddisownmyjoy—IfIamwillingtoseewhatIseeandknowwhatIknow—EVENINGS:

IfIbringahighlevelofconsciousnesstomyfears—IfIbringahighlevelofconsciousnesstomypain—WEEK5.MORNINGS:IfIbringahighlevelofconsciousnesstomyanger—IfIbringahighlevelofconsciousnesstomysexuality—IfIbringahighlevelofconsciousnesstomyexcitement—IfIbringahighlevelofconsciousnesstomyjoy—EVENINGS:WhenIthinkoftheconsequencesofnotacceptingmyself—IfIacceptthefactthatwhatis,is,regardlessofwhetherIadmitit—Iambeginningtoseethat—

OtherusefulsentencestemstoexplorethisterritorycanbefoundinHowtoRaiseYourSelf-EsteemandTheArtofSelf-Discovery.

The Ultimate Crime Against Ourselves: TheDisowningofPositives

Anythingwehavethepossibilityofexperiencing,wehavethepossibilityofdisowning,eitherimmediatelyorlater,inmemory.AsthephilosopherNietzschewrote: “‘I did it,’ says memory. ‘I couldn’t have,’ says pride, and remainsrelentless.Eventuallymemoryyields.”

I can rebel againstmymemories, thoughts, emotions, actions. I can rejectrather than accept virtually any aspect of my experience and any act of self-expression.Icandeclare,“Notme.Notmine.”

Wecanbeasfrightenedofourassetsasofourshortcomings.

Icanrefusetoacceptmysensuality;Icanrefusetoacceptmyspirituality.I

candisownmysorrow;Icandisownmyjoy.Icanrepressthememoryofactionsof which I am ashamed; I can repress the memory of actions of which I amproud. I can deny my ignorance; I can deny my intelligence. I can refuse toacceptmy limitations; I can refuse to acceptmy potentials. I can concealmyweaknesses;Icanconcealmystrengths.Icandenymyfeelingsofself-hatred;I

candenymyfeelingsofself-love.IcanpretendthatIammorethanIam;IcanpretendthatIamlessthanIam.Icandisownmybody;Icandisownmymind.

Wecanbeasfrightenedofourassetsasofourshortcomings—asfrightenedof our genius, ambition, excitement, or beauty as of emptiness, passivity,depression,orunattractiveness.Ifourliabilitiesposetheproblemofinadequacy,ourassetsposethechallengeofresponsibility.

Wecanrunnotonlyfromourdarksidebutalsofromourbrightside—fromanythingthatthreatenstomakeusstandoutorstandalone,orthatcallsfortheawakeningoftheherowithinus,orthatasksthatwebreakthroughtoahigherlevelofconsciousnessandreachahighergroundofintegrity.Thegreatestcrimewe commit against ourselves is not that we may deny and disown ourshortcomingsbut thatwedenyanddisownourgreatness—because it frightensus.Ifafullyrealizedself-acceptancedoesnotevadetheworstwithinus,neitherdoesitevadethebest.

Thepracticeofself-acceptanceisthesecondpillarofself-esteem.

8

ThePracticeofSelf-Responsibility

Tofeelcompetenttoliveandworthyofhappiness,Ineedtoexperienceasenseofcontrolovermyexistence.ThisrequiresthatIbewillingtotakeresponsibilityfor my actions and the attainment of my goals. This means that I takeresponsibilityformylifeandwell-being.

Self-responsibility is essential to self-esteem, and it is also a reflection ormanifestationofself-esteem.Therelationshipbetweenself-esteemanditspillarsis always reciprocal. The practices that generate self-esteem are also naturalexpressions and consequences of self-esteem, as we shall discuss in a laterchapter.

Thepracticeofself-responsibilityentailstheserealizations:

Iamresponsiblefortheachievementofmydesires.Iamresponsibleformychoicesandactions.IamresponsibleforthelevelofconsciousnessIbringtomywork.IamresponsibleforthelevelofconsciousnessIbringtomyrelationships.Iamresponsibleformybehaviorwithotherpeople—coworkers,associates,

customers,spouse,children,friends.IamresponsibleforhowIprioritizemytime.Iamresponsibleforthequalityofmycommunications.Iamresponsibleformypersonalhappiness.IamresponsibleforacceptingorchoosingthevaluesbywhichIlive.Iamresponsibleforraisingmyself-esteem.

Whatdoeseachoftheseitemsimplyintermsofbehavior?

TheActionImplicationsofSelf-Responsibility Iamresponsible for theachievementofmydesires.Noone owesme thefulfillment of my wishes. I do not hold a mortgage on anyone else’s life orenergy.IfIhavedesires,itisuptometodiscoverhowtosatisfythem.Ineedtotakeresponsibilityfordevelopingandimplementinganactionplan.

Ifmygoalsrequiretheparticipationofotherpeople,Imustberesponsibleforknowing what they require of me if they are to cooperate and for providingwhatever is my rational obligation to provide. I respect their self-interest andknowthatifIwishtheircooperationorassistance,Imustbeconsciousofitandspeaktoit.

Nooneowesmethefulfillmentofmywishes.

IfIamunwillingtotakeresponsibilityfortheattainmentofmydesires,they

arenotreallydesires—theyaremerelydaydreams.Foranyprofesseddesire tobe takenseriously, Imustbeprepared toanswer, in realistic terms:WhatamIwillingtodotogetwhatIwant?

I am responsible formy choices and actions. To be “responsible” in thiscontext means responsible not as the recipient of moral blame or guilt, butresponsibleasthechiefcausalagentinmylifeandbehavior.Ifmychoicesandactionsaremine, thenIamtheirsource.Ineedtoownthisfact.Ineedtostayconnectedwith itwhenIchooseandact.Whatdifferencewould thatmake?Ifyouwouldliketodiscovertheanswerforyourself,writesixendings,asfastasyoucan,forthestemIfItakefullresponsibilityformychoicesandactions—.

IamresponsibleforthelevelofconsciousnessIbringtomywork.Thisisanexampleof thepointI justmadeaboutchoice.NooneelsecanpossiblybeaccountableforthelevelofawarenessIbringtomydailyactivities.Icangivemy work the best I have to give, or I can seek to get away with as littleconsciousnessaspossible,oranywhereinbetween.IfIstayconnectedwithmyresponsibility in this area, I am more likely to operate at a high level ofconsciousness.

IamresponsibleforthelevelofconsciousnessIbringtomyrelationships.Theprinciple justdiscussedappliesequally tomy interactionswithothers—tomychoice of companions and to the awareness I bringor fail to bring to anyencounter.Am I fully present inmy encounterswith others?Am I present to

what is being said?Do I think about the implicationsofmy statements?Do InoticehowothersareaffectedbywhatIsayanddo?

Iamresponsibleformybehaviorwithotherpeople—coworkers,associates,customers,spouse,children,friends.IamresponsibleforhowIspeakandhowIlisten.IamresponsibleforthepromisesIkeeporfailtokeep.Iamresponsiblefortherationalityorirrationalityofmydealings.Weevaderesponsibilitywhenwe try to blame others for our actions, as in “She’s driving me crazy,” “Hepushesmybuttons,”“Iwouldactreasonablyifonlyshewould…”

IamresponsibleforhowIprioritizemytime.Whether thechoicesImakeaboutthedispositionofmytimeandenergyreflectmyprofessedvaluesorareincongruouswiththemismyresponsibility.IfIinsistthatIlovemyfamilymorethananyoneyetamrarelyalonewith themandspendmostofmy leisure timeplaying cards or golf, always surrounded by friends, I need to confront mycontradiction and think about its implications. If I declare that my mostimportanttaskatworkisfindingnewclientsforthefirmbutspend90percentofmytimeboggeddowninofficetriviathatproducesverylittleincome—IneedtoreexaminehowIaminvestingmyenergy.

In my consulting work, when I give executives the stem If I takeresponsibility forhowIprioritizemy time—Iget endings such as “Iwouldlearntosaynomoreoften”;“Iwouldeliminateabout30percentofmycurrentactivities”; “I’d be much more productive”; “I’d enjoy work more”; “I’d beappalledhowoutofcontrolI’vebeen”;“I’dactualizemoreofmypotential.”

Iamresponsibleforthequalityofmycommunications.Iamresponsibleforbeing as clear as I know how to be; for checking to see if the listener hasunderstoodme; for speaking loudly and distinctly enough to be heard; for therespectordisrespectwithwhichIconveymythoughts.

I am responsible formypersonalhappiness.One of the characteristics ofimmaturityisthebeliefthatitissomeoneelse’sjobtomakemehappy—muchasitwasoncemyparents’jobtokeepmealive.Ifonlysomeonewouldloveme,thenIwouldlovemyself.Ifonlysomeonewouldtakecareofme,thenIwouldbe contented. If only someone would spare me the necessity of makingdecisions,thenIwouldbecarefree.Ifonlysomeonewouldmakemehappy.

Here’sasimplebutpowerfulstem towakeoneup to reality:IfI takefullresponsibilityformypersonalhappiness—.

Takingresponsibilityformyhappinessisempowering.Itplacesmylifebackinmyownhands.Aheadoftakingthisresponsibility,Imayimagineitwillbeaburden.WhatIdiscoveristhatitsetsmefree.

Takingresponsibilityformyhappinessisempowering.Itplacesmylifebackinmyownhands.

IamresponsibleforacceptingorchoosingthevaluesbywhichIlive.IfI

livebyvaluesIhaveacceptedoradoptedpassivelyandunthinkingly,itiseasytoimagine that they are just “my nature,” just “who I am,” and to avoidrecognizingthatchoiceisinvolved.IfIamwillingtorecognizethatchoicesanddecisionsarecrucialwhenvaluesareadopted,thenIcantakeafreshlookatmyvalues, question them, and if necessary revise them. Again, it is takingresponsibilitythatsetsmefree.

Iamresponsibleforraisingmyself-esteem.Self-esteemisnotagift Icanreceive from someone else. It is generated fromwithin. Towait passively forsomethingtohappenthatwillraisemyself-esteemistosentencemyselftoalifeoffrustration.

OncewhenIwaslecturingtoagroupofpsychotherapistsonthesixpillarsofself-esteem,oneofthemaskedme,“Whydoyouputyouremphasisonwhattheindividualmust do to grow in self-esteem? Isn’t the source of self-esteem thefactthatwearechildrenofGod?”Ihaveencounteredthisquestionanumberoftimes.

Whether one believes in a God, and whether one believes we are God’schildren, is irrelevant to the issueofwhatself-esteemrequires.Letus imaginethatthereisaGodandthatwearehis/her/itschildren.Inthisrespect,then,weareallequal.Doesitfollowthateveryoneisorshouldbeequalinself-esteem,regardlessofwhetheranyonelivesconsciouslyorunconsciously,responsiblyorirresponsibly, honestly or dishonestly?Earlier in this bookwe saw that this isimpossible.There is noway for ourmind to avoid registering the choiceswemake in the way we operate and no way for our sense of self to remainunaffected.IfwearechildrenofGod,thequestionsremain:Whatarewegoingto do about it?What arewe going tomake of it?Will we honor our gifts orbetray them? If we betray ourselves and our powers, if we live mindlessly,purposelessly, andwithout integrity, canwe buy ourway out, canwe acquireself-esteem, by claiming to be God’s relatives? Do we imagine we can thusrelieveourselvesofpersonalresponsibility?

When people lack healthy self-esteem, they often identify self-esteemwithbeing “loved.” If they did not feel loved by their families, sometimes theycomfort themselveswith the thought thatGod loves them, and they try to tietheir self-esteem to this idea. With the best will in the world, how can weunderstandthisstrategyexceptasamanifestationofpassivity?

Idonotbelieveweareintendedtoremaindependentchildren.Ibelieveweare intended to grow into adults, which means to become responsible forourselves—to become self-supporting psychologically as well as financially.WhateverroleabeliefinGodmayplayinourlives,surelyitisnottojustifyadefaultonconsciousness,responsibility,andintegrity.

AClarification Instressing thatweneed to takeresponsibility forour lifeandhappiness, Iamnot suggesting that a personnever suffers through accident or through thefaultofothers,orthatapersonisresponsibleforeverythingthatmayhappentohimorher.

Idonotsupportthegrandiosenotionthat“Iamresponsibleforeveryaspectofmyexistenceandeverything thatbefallsme.”Some thingswehavecontrolover; others we do not. If I hold myself responsible for matters beyond mycontrol, I put my self-esteem in jeopardy, since inevitably I will fail myexpectations. If I deny responsibility for matters that are within my control,again I jeopardizemy self-esteem. I need toknow thedifferencebetween thatwhich isup tomeand thatwhich isnot.TheonlyconsciousnessoverwhichIhavevolitionalcontrolismyown.

Examples Itiseasyenoughinworksituationstoobservethedifferencebetweenthosewhopracticeself-responsibilityandthosewhodonot.Self-responsibilityshowsupasanactiveorientationtowork(andlife)ratherthanapassiveone.

If there isaproblem,menandwomenwhoareself-responsibleask,“WhatcanIdoaboutit?Whatavenuesofactionarepossibletome?”Ifsomethinggoeswrong, theyask, “Whatdid Ioverlook?Wheredid Imiscalculate?Howcan Icorrectthesituation?”Theydonotprotest,“Butnoonetoldmewhattodo!”or“But it’snotmy job!”They indulgeneither inalibisnor inblaming.Theyaretypicallysolutionoriented.

Ineveryorganizationweencounterbothtypes:thosewhowaitforsomeoneelse toprovideasolutionand thosewho takeresponsibility for finding it. It isonly by grace of the second type that organizations are able to operateeffectively.

Here are examples from the personal realm,where sentence completion isusedtoilluminate:

“IfIweretogiveupblamingmyparentsformyunhappiness,”saida“child”offorty-six,“I’dhavetotakeresponsibilityformyactions;I’dhavetofacethe fact that I’ve always felt sorry formyself, and enjoyed it; I’d have torecognize that I still dreamofbeing rescuedbymy father; I’d admit I likeseeingmyself as a victim; I’d have to act in newways; I’d get out ofmyapartmentandlookforajob;Icouldn’tjustsuffer.”

“IfIweretoacceptthatIamresponsibleformyhappiness,”saidanoldermanwhodranktoomuch,“I’dstopcomplainingthatmywifedrivesmetodrink; I’d keep out of bars; I wouldn’t spend hours in front of the TV,blaming‘thesystem’;I’dgoto thegymandstartgettinginshape;I’dgivemy boss more for his money; I’d probably have to stop feeling sorry formyself; Idon’t think Icouldgoonabusingmybodyas Idonow; I’dbeadifferentperson;I’drespectmyselfmore;Icouldgetmylifemovingagain.”

“IfItakeresponsibilityformyemotions,”saidawomanwhoexhaustedherfamilyandfriendswithhercomplaining,“Iwouldn’tbesodepressed;I’dseehowIoftenmakemyselfmiserable;I’dseehowmuchrageI’mdenying;I’dadmit howmuch ofmy unhappiness is spite; I’d focusmore often on thegood things inmy life; I’d realize I’m trying tomakepeople feel sorry forme;I’dseeIcanbehappymoreoften.”

APersonalExample Intheoverallconductofmylife,IwouldsaythatIhavealwaysoperatedatafairlyhighlevelofself-responsibility.Ididnotlooktootherstoprovideformyneedsorwants.ButIcanthinkofatimewhenIfailedmyownprinciplesratherbadly,withpainfulresults.

In my twenties I formed an intense relationship with novelist-philosopherAynRand.Over the course of eighteen years, our relationship passed throughalmost every form imaginable: from student and teacher to friends andcolleagues to loversandpartners—and,ultimately, toadversaries.ThestoryofthisrelationshipisthedramaticcenterpieceofJudgmentDay. In thebeginningandforsomeyears, therelationshipwasnurturing, inspiring,valuableinmanyways; I learned and grew enormously. But eventually it became constricting,toxic, destructive—a barrier to my further intellectual and psychologicaldevelopment.

Ididnottaketheinitiativeandproposethatourrelationshipberedefinedandreconstitutedonadifferentbasis. I toldmyself Ididnotwant tocausepain. I

waitedforhertoseewhatIsaw.Ilookedtoherrationalityandwisdomtoreachthe decision thatwould be right for both of us. In effect, Iwas relating to anabstraction, theauthorofTheFountainheadandAtlasShrugged, rather than totheconcretewoman in frontofme. Ididnotconfront the fact thatheragendawasverydifferentfrommineandthatshewastotallyabsorbedinherownneeds.IdelayedfacingthefactthatnothingwouldchangeunlessImadeitchange.Andbecause I delayed, I caused suffering and humiliation to us both. I avoided aresponsibilitythatwasminetotake.NomatterwhatexplanationsIgavemyself,therewasnowayformyself-esteemtoremainunaffected.OnlywhenIbegantotaketheinitiativedidIbegintheprocessofregainingwhatIhadlost.

Weoftenseethispatterninmarriages.Onepartnerseesbeforetheotherthattherelationshipisfinished.Butheorshedoesnotwanttobe“thebadguy,”theonetoendthings.Soinsteadmanipulationbegins,toleadtheothertomakethefirstmove.Itiscruel,degrading,lackingindignity,andhurtfultobothpeople.Itisself-demeaningandself-diminishing.

TotheextentthatIevaderesponsibility,Iinflictwoundsonmyself-esteem.Inacceptingresponsibility,Ibuildself-esteem.

Productiveness No one can be said to be living self-responsibly who has no productivepurposes.Throughworkwesupportourexistence.Throughtheexerciseofourintelligence toward some useful ends,we becomemore fully human.Withoutproductivegoalsandproductiveeffort,weremainforeverchildren.

True,wearelimitedbytheopportunitiesthatexistforusatagivenplaceandtime.Butinanygivencontext,themarkofindependenceandself-responsibilityistheorientationthatasks,“Whatactionsarepossibletome?”“Whatneedstobedone?”“HowcanI improvemycondition?”“HowcanImovebeyond thisimpasse?”“Whatwillbethebestuseofmyenergiesinthissituation?”

Self-responsibility is expressed through an active orientation to life. It isexpressedthroughtheunderstandingthatnooneishereonearthtospareusthenecessity of independence, and through the understanding that without work,independenceisimpossible.

ThinkingforOneself Livingactivelyentailsindependentthinkingincontrasttopassiveconformitytothebeliefsofothers.

Independent thinking is a corollary both of living consciously and of self-responsibility.Toliveconsciouslyistolivebytheexerciseofone’sownmind.Topracticeself-responsibilityistothinkforoneself.

A person cannot think through the mind of another. We learn from oneanother,tobesure,butknowledgeimpliesunderstanding,notmereimitationorrepetition.We can either exercise our ownmind or else pass on to others theresponsibilityofknowledgeandevaluationandaccepttheirverdictsmoreorlessuncritically.Thechoicewemakeiscrucialforthewayweexperienceourselvesaswellasforthekindoflifewecreate.

Oftenwhatpeoplecall“thinking”ismerelyrecyclingtheopinionsofothers.

Thatwe are sometimes influenced by others inwayswe do not recognize

doesnotalterthefactthatthereisadistinctionbetweenthepsychologyofthosewho try to understand things, think for themselves, and judge for themselves,and those to whom such a possibility rarely occurs.What’s important here isintention,thenatureofanindividual’sgoal.

Tospeakof“thinking independently” isusefulbecause the redundancyhasvalue in terms of emphasis. Often what people call “thinking” is merelyrecycling the opinions of others. Sowe can say that thinking independently—aboutourwork,ourrelationships,thevaluesthatguideourlife,thegoalswesetfor ourselves—strengthens self-esteem. And healthy self-esteem results in anaturalinclinationtothinkindependently.

TheMoralPrinciple Embracing self-responsibility notmerely as a personal preference but as aphilosophicalprincipleentailsone’sacceptanceofaprofoundlyimportantmoralidea.Intakingresponsibilityforourownexistenceweimplicitlyrecognizethatotherhumanbeingsarenotourservantsanddonotexistforthesatisfactionofourneeds.Wearenotmorallyentitledtotreatotherhumanbeingsasmeanstoour ends, just as we are not ameans to theirs. As I have suggested above, aconsistentapplicationoftheprincipleofself-responsibilityimpliesthefollowingruleofhumanrelationships:Neveraskaperson toactagainsthisorher self-interestasheor sheunderstands it. Ifwewishpeople to take someactionorprovide some value, we are obliged to offer reasons that are meaningful and

persuasive in terms of their interests and goals. This policy is the moralfoundationofmutualrespect,goodwill,andbenevolenceamonghumanbeings.Itrejectsthenotionthatsomepeoplemaybetreatedassacrificialfodderforthegoals of others,which is the premise underlying all dictatorships and, for thatmatter,mostpoliticalsystems.

Sentence Completions to Facilitate Self-Responsibility

In my therapy practice and my self-esteem groups, I work with a greatnumberof sentence stems that allowclients toexplore thepsychologyof self-responsibility. I offer a representative sampling below. The homeworkassignmentwouldbebrokenupintoweeklyinstallments,asfollows:

WEEK1Self-responsibilitytomemeans—Atthethoughtofbeingresponsibleformyownexistence—IfIacceptedresponsibilityformyownexistence,thatwouldmean—WhenIavoidresponsibilityformyownexistence—WEEK2IfIaccept5percentmoreresponsibilityfortheattainmentofmyown

goals—WhenIavoidresponsibilityfortheattainmentofmygoals—IfItookmoreresponsibilityforthesuccessofmyrelationships—SometimesIkeepmyselfpassiveby—WEEK3IfItakeresponsibilityforwhatIdoaboutthemessagesIreceivedfrom

mymother—IfItakeresponsibilityforwhatIdoaboutthemessagesIreceivedfrom

myfather—IfItakeresponsibilityfortheideasIacceptorreject—IfIbringgreaterawarenesstotheideasthatmotivateme—WEEK4IfIaccept5percentmoreresponsibilityformypersonalhappiness—IfIavoidresponsibilityformypersonalhappiness—

IfIaccept5percentmoreresponsibilityformychoiceofcompanions—WhenIavoidresponsibilityformychoiceofcompanions—WEEK5IfIaccept5percentmoreresponsibilityforthewordsthatcomeoutof

mymouth—WhenIavoidresponsibilityforthewordsthatcomeoutofmymouth—IfIbringgreaterawarenesstothethingsItellmyself—IfItakeresponsibilityforthethingsItellmyself—WEEK6ImakemyselfhelplesswhenI—ImakemyselfdepressedwhenI—ImakemyselfanxiouswhenI—IfItakeresponsibilityformakingmyselfhelpless—WEEK7IfItakeresponsibilityformakingmyselfdepressed—IfItakeresponsibilityformakingmyselfanxious—WhenIamreadytounderstandwhatIhavebeenwriting—Itisnoteasyformetoadmitthat—IfItakeresponsibilityformypresentstandardofliving—WEEK8Ifeelmostself-responsiblewhenI—Ifeelleastself-responsiblewhenI—IfIamnothereonearthtoliveuptoanyoneelse’sexpectations—Ifmylifebelongstome—WEEK9IfIgiveupthelieofbeingunabletochange—IfItakeresponsibilityforwhatImakeofmylifefromthispointon—Ifnooneiscomingtorescueme—Iambecomingaware—

Thepowerofthemethodisthatitgeneratesshiftsintheconsciousnessandorientation of the individual without lengthy “discussions” or “analyses.” Thesolutionislargelygeneratedfromwithin.

Ifyoukeepajournalandovertimewritesixtotenendingsforeachofthese

incompletesentences,notonlywillyoulearnagreatdealbut itwillbealmostimpossible not to grow in the practice of self-responsibility. The best way ofworkingistodotheweek’sstemsMondaythroughFriday,thendotheweekendstemIfanyofwhatIhavebeenwritingistrue,itmightbehelpfulifI—andthenmoveontothenextweek’sstemonMonday.

NoOneIsComing Havingworkedwithpeopleforsomanyyearswiththeaimofbuildingself-esteem, I have always been on the lookout for decisive moments inpsychotherapy,instanceswhena“click”seemstooccurintheclient’smindandnewforwardmotionbegins.

Oneofthemostimportantofsuchmomentsiswhentheclientgraspsthatnooneiscoming.Nooneiscomingtosaveme;nooneiscomingtomakeliferightforme;nooneiscomingtosolvemyproblems.IfIdon’tdosomething,nothingisgoingtogetbetter.

Thedreamofarescuerwhowilldeliverusmayofferakindofcomfort,butitleavesuspassiveandpowerless.WemayfeelIfonlyIsufferlongenough,ifonlyIyearndesperatelyenough,somehowamiraclewillhappen,butthisisthekindofself-deceptiononepaysforwithone’slifeasitdrainsawayintotheabyssofunredeemablepossibilitiesandirretrievabledays,months,decades.

Someyearsago,inmygrouptherapyroom,wehungonthewallanumberofsayingsthatIoftenfoundusefulinthecourseofmywork.Aclientmademeagift of several of these sayings done in needlepoint, eachwith its own frame.Oneof thesewas “It isn’twhat they think; it’swhatyouknow.”Anotherwas“Nooneiscoming.”

Onedayagroupmemberwitha senseofhumorchallengedmeabout“Nooneiscoming.”

“Nathaniel,it’snottrue,”hesaid.“Youcame.”“Correct,”Iadmitted,“butIcametosaythatnooneiscoming.”Thepracticeofself-responsibilityisthethirdpillarofself-esteem.

9

ThePracticeofSelf-Assertiveness

SomeyearsagoIwasaddressingagraduateclass inpsychologyandIwantedthemtounderstandatwhatsubtlelevelthefearofself-assertioncanshowup.

Iaskedifanyonepresentbelievedheorshehadarighttoexist.Everyone’shandwentup.ThenIaskedforavolunteertoassistmewithademonstration.Ayoungmancametothefrontoftheroom,andIsaidtohim,“Wouldyoupleasejuststandfacingtheclass,andsayaloud,severaltimes,‘Ihavearighttoexist.’Sayitslowlyandnoticehowyoufeelsayingit.Andwhileyouaredoingthis,Iwant everyone in the class to consider:Doyoubelievehim?Doyou thinkhereallyfeelswhatheissaying?”

Theyoungmanputhishandsonhishipsandbelligerentlydeclared,“Ihavearight to exist.” He said it as if preparing for battle. With each repetition hesoundedmorepugnacious.

“Nooneisarguingwithyou,”Ipointedout.“Nooneischallengingyou.Canyousayitwithoutdefianceordefensiveness?”

Hecouldnot.Theanticipationofanattackwasalwaysinhisvoice.Noonebelievedinhisconvictionaboutwhathewassaying.

Ayoungwomancameupandsaidinapleadingvoiceandasmilebeggingtobeforgiven,“Ihavearighttoexist.”Noonebelievedher,either.

Someoneelsecameup.Hesoundedarrogant,supercilious,affected,anactorplayingapartwithembarrassingineptitude.

A student protested, “But this isn’t a fair test. They’re shy, not used tospeakinginfrontofpeople,sotheysoundstrained.”Iaskedhimtocometothefrontandsay,simply,“Twoandtwomakefour.”Hedidsowithcompleteeaseandconviction.ThenIaskedhimtosay,“Ihavearight toexist.”Hesoundedtense,flippant,unconvincing.

Theclasslaughed.Theyunderstood.Standinginfrontoftheclassandsayingtwoandtwomakefourwasnotdifficult.Assertingtherighttoexistwas.

“What does the statement ‘I have a right to exist’mean to you?” I asked.“Obviouslyinthiscontextwe’renottakingitprimarilyasapoliticalstatement,as in the Declaration of Independence. Here, we mean something morepsychological.Butwhat?”“Itmeansmylifebelongs tome,”saidonestudent.“ItmeansIcandomyownthing,”saidanother.“ItmeansIdon’thavetofulfillmyparents’expectationsforme,Icanfulfillmyown,”saidanother.“ItmeansIcansaynowhenIwantto,”saidanother.“ItmeansIhavearighttorespectmyself-interest.”“ItmeanswhatIwantmatters.”“ItmeansIcansayanddowhatIthink is right.” “Itmeans I can followmy own destiny.” “Itmeansmy fathercan’ttellmewhattodowithmylife.”“ItmeansIdon’thavetobuildmywholelifearoundnotupsettingMother.”

Theseweresomeoftheprivatemeaningsofthestatement“Ihavearighttoexist.”Andthisiswhattheywereunabletoassertwithserenityandconfidencetoaroomfuloftheirpeers.Thepointmade,Ibegantotalkwiththemaboutself-assertivenessandself-esteem.

WhatIsSelf-Assertiveness? Self-assertivenessmeanshonoringmywants,needs,andvaluesandseekingappropriateformsoftheirexpressioninreality.

ItsoppositeisthatsurrendertotimiditythatconsistsofconsigningmyselftoaperpetualundergroundwhereeverythingthatIamlieshiddenorstillborn—toavoidconfrontationwithsomeonewhosevaluesdifferfrommine,ortoplease,placate,ormanipulatesomeone,orsimplyto“belong.”

Self-assertiondoesnotmeanbelligerenceorinappropriateaggressiveness;itdoesnotmeanpushingtothefrontofthelineorknockingotherpeopleover;itdoes not mean upholding my own rights while being blind or indifferent toeveryone else’s. It simplymeans thewillingness to stand up formyself, to bewhoIamopenly,totreatmyselfwithrespectinallhumanencounters.Itmeanstherefusaltofakemypersontobeliked.

Self-assertivenessmeansthewillingnesstostandupformyself,tobewhoIamopenly,totreatmyselfwithrespectinallhumanencounters.

Topractice self-assertiveness is to live authentically, to speakandact from

myinnermostconvictionsandfeelings—asawayoflife,asarule(allowingfor

the obvious fact that there may be particular circumstances in which I mayjustifiably choose not to do so—for example, when confronted by a holdupman).

Appropriate self-assertiveness pays attention to context. The forms of self-expression appropriate when playing on the floor with a child are obviouslydifferent fromthoseappropriateata staffmeeting.To respect thedifference isnotto“sacrificeone’sauthenticity”butmerelytostayrealityfocused.Ineverycontext there will be appropriate and inappropriate forms of self-expression.Sometimes self-assertiveness is manifested through volunteering an idea orpaying a compliment; sometimes through a polite silence that signalsnonagreement; sometimes by refusing to smile at a tasteless joke. In worksituationsonecannotnecessarilyvoiceallone’sthoughts,anditisnotnecessarytodoso.Whatisnecessaryistoknowwhatonethinks—andtoremainreal.

Whilewhat is appropriate self-expression varieswith the context, in everysituationthereisachoicebetweenbeingauthenticorinauthentic,realorunreal.Ifwedonotwanttofacethis,ofcoursewewilldenythatwehavesuchachoice.Wewillassertthatwearehelpless.Butthechoiceisalwaysthere.

WhatSelf-AssertivenessIsandIsNot 1. Inaclasssociety,whenweseeasuperior talking toan inferior, it is theinferior’seyesthatarelowered.Itistheslavewholooksdown,notthemaster.IntheSouththerewasatimewhenablackmancouldbebeatenfortheoffenseofdaringtolookdirectlyatawhitewoman.Seeingisanactofself-assertionandhasalwaysbeenunderstoodassuch.

Thefirstandbasicactofself-assertionistheassertionofconsciousness.Thisentailsthechoicetosee,tothink,tobeaware,tosendthelightofconsciousnessoutwardtowardtheworldandinwardtowardourownbeing.Toaskquestionsisan act of self-assertion. To challenge authority is an act of self-assertion. Tothinkforoneself—andtostandbywhatonethinks—istherootofself-assertion.Todefaultonthisresponsibilityistodefaultontheselfatthemostbasiclevel.

Note that self-assertiveness should not be confused with mindlessrebelliousness. “Self-assertiveness” without consciousness is not self-assertiveness;itisdrunk-driving.

Sometimespeoplewhoareessentiallydependentandfearfulchoosea formof assertiveness that is self-destructive. It consists of reflexively saying “No!”whentheirinterestswouldbebetterservedbysaying“Yes.”Theironlyformofself-assertiveness is protest—whether itmakes sense or not.Weoften see this

responseamongteenagers—andamongadultswhohavenevermaturedbeyondthis teenage level of consciousness. The intent is to protect their boundaries,whichisnotwrongintrinsically;butthemeanstheyadoptleavesthemstuckatanarrestedstageofdevelopment.

Whilehealthyself-assertivenessrequirestheabilitytosayno,itisultimatelytestednotbywhatweareagainstbutbywhatwearefor.Alifethatconsistsonlyofastringofnegationsisawasteandatragedy.Self-assertivenessasksthatwenotonlyopposewhatwedeplorebutthatweliveandexpressourvalues.Inthisrespect,itisintimatelytiedtotheissueofintegrity.

Self-assertiveness begins with the act of thinking but must not end there.Self-assertivenessentailsbringingourselvesintotheworld.Toaspireisnotyetself-assertion,orjustbarely;buttobringouraspirationsintorealityis.Toholdvaluesisnotyetself-assertion,orjustbarely;topursuethemandstandbythemintheworldis.Oneofthegreatself-delusionsistothinkofoneselfas“avaluer”or“an idealist”whilenotpursuingone’svalues in reality.Todreamone’s lifeaway is not self-assertion; to be able to say, at the end, “While my life washappening,Iwasthere,Ilivedit,”is.

2.Topracticeself-assertivenesslogicallyandconsistentlyistobecommittedtomyright toexist,whichproceedsfromtheknowledge thatmylifedoesnotbelong to others and that I am not here on earth to live up to someone else’sexpectations.Tomanypeople, this is a terrifying responsibility. Itmeans theirlife is in theirownhands. Itmeans thatMotherandFatherandotherauthorityfigures cannot be counted on as protectors. It means they are responsible fortheirownexistence—andforgeneratingtheirownsenseofsecurity.Notfearofthis responsibility but surrender to the fear is a chief contributor to thesubversionofself-esteem.IfIwillnotstandupformyrighttoexist—myrighttobelongtomyself—howcanIexperienceasenseofpersonaldignity?HowcanIexperienceadecentlevelofself-esteem?

MylifedoesnotbelongtoothersandIamnothereonearthtoliveuptosomeoneelse’sexpectations.

Topracticeself-assertivenessconsistentlyIneedtheconvictionthatmyideas

andwantsare important.Unfortunately, thisconviction isoften lacking.Whenwewereyoung,manyofusreceivedsignalsconveyingthatwhatwethoughtandfelt orwantedwasnot important.Wewere taught, in effect, “What youwantisn’t important; what’s important is what others want.” Perhaps we were

intimidatedbyaccusationsof“selfishness”whenweattempted to standup forourselves.

Itoften takescourage tohonorwhatwewantand to fight for it.Formanypeople, self-surrender and self-sacrifice are far easier.Theydonot require theintegrityandresponsibilitythatintelligentselfishnessrequires.

Amanof forty-eightwhohasworkedhard formanyyears tosupporthiswife and three childrendreamsof quitting his demanding and stressful jobwhenhe turns fiftyand takinga job thatwillearn lessmoneybut thatwillaffordhimsomeoftheleisurehehasneverpermittedhimself.Hehasalwayswantedmoretimetoread,travel,andthink,withoutthepressureoffeelinghewasneglectingsomeurgentmatteratwork.Whenheannounceshisintentionatafamilydinner,everyonebecomesagitatedandhasonlyasingleconcern:Howwilleachone’sstandardoflivingbeaffectedifhetakesajobthatpayslessmoney.Nooneshows interest inhiscontext,needs,or feelings.“HowcanIstandagainstmyfamily?”heaskshimself.“Isn’taman’sfirstdutytobeagoodprovider?”Hewantshisfamilytothinkheisagoodman,andifthepriceistorelinquishhisownyearnings,heiswillingtopayit.Hedoesnotevenhavetoreflectaboutit.Thehabitofdutyhasbeeningrainedacrossalifetime.Inthespaceofonedinnerconversation,hestepsacrossathresholdintothebeginningofoldage.Asasoptothepainhecannotentirelybury,hetellshimself,“AtleastI’mnotselfish.Selfishnessisevil—isn’tit?”

The sad irony is that when people cease to honor or even attend to their

deepestneedsandwants,theysometimesbecomeselfishnotinthenoblebutinthe petty sense, grasping at trivia after they have surrendered their deeperyearnings,rarelyevenknowingwhattheyhavebetrayedandgivenup.

3.Withinanorganization,self-assertivenessisrequirednotmerelytohaveagood idea but to develop it, fight for it, work to win supporters for it, doeverythingwithinone’spowertoseethatitgetstranslatedintoreality.Itisthelack of this practice that causes somany potential contributions to die beforetheyareborn.

As a consultant, when I am asked to workwith a team that has difficultyfunctioning effectively on some project, I often find that one source of thedysfunctionisoneormorepeoplewhodonotreallyparticipate,donotreallyputthemselvesintotheundertaking,becauseofsomefeelingthattheydonothavethepowertomakeadifference,donotbelievethattheircontributioncanmatter.In their passivity they became saboteurs. A project manager remarked tome,“I’d rather worry about handling some egomaniac who thinks he’s the whole

project than struggle with some self-doubting but talented individual whoseinsecuritiesstophimfromkickinginwhathe’sgottooffer.”

Without appropriate self-assertiveness, we are spectators, not participants.Healthyself-esteemasksthatweleapintothearena—thatwebewillingtogetourhandsdirty.

4.Finally,self-assertionentailsthewillingnesstoconfrontratherthanevadethechallengesoflifeandtostriveformastery.Whenweexpandtheboundariesof our ability to cope, we expand self-efficacy and self-respect. When wecommitourselvestonewareasoflearning,whenwetakeontasksthatstretchus,weraisepersonalpower.Wethrustourselvesfurtherintotheuniverse.Weassertourexistence.

Whenweareattemptingtounderstandsomethingandwehitawall,itisanactofself-assertivenesstopersevere.Whenweundertaketoacquirenewskills,absorbnewknowledge,extendthereachofourmindacrossunfamiliarspaces—whenwecommitourselvestomovingtoahigherlevelofcompetence—wearepracticingself-assertiveness.

Healthyself-esteemasksthatweleapintothearena—thatwebewillingtogetourhandsdirty.

Whenwelearnhowtobeinanintimaterelationshipwithoutabandoningour

senseofself,whenwelearnhowtobekindwithoutbeingself-sacrificing,whenwe learn how to cooperate with others without betraying our standards andconvictions,wearepracticingself-assertiveness.

FearofSelf-Assertiveness TheAmericantraditionisoneofindividualism,andsomeexpressionsofself-assertiveness are relativelymore acceptable in theUnited States than in someothercultures.Notallculturesattachthevaluetotheindividualthatwedo.Notallculturesseeequalmerit inself-expression.EvenintheUnitedStates,manyformsofself-assertivenessaremoreacceptableformenthanforwomen.Womenarestilloftenpenalizedwhentheypracticethenaturalself-assertivenessthatistheirbirthrightashumanbeings.

Inoursocietyoranyother, ifonebelievesthat it ismoredesirabletofit inthantostandout,onewillnotembracethevirtueofself-assertiveness.Ifone’s

primary source of safety and security is through affiliationwith the tribe, thefamily, thegroup, the community, the company, the collective, then even self-esteem can be perceived as threatening and frightening—because it signifiesindividuation (self-realization, the unfolding of personal identity), thereforeseparateness.

Individuationraisesthespecterofisolationtothosewhohavenotachieveditand do not understand that far from being the enemy of community, it is itsnecessary precondition. A healthy society is a union of self-respectingindividuals.Itisnotacoralbush.

Awell-realizedmanorwomanisonewhohasmovedsuccessfullyalongtwolines of development that serve and complement each other: the track ofindividuation and the track of relationship. Autonomy, on the one hand; thecapacityforintimacyandhumanconnectedness,ontheother.

Personswithanunderdevelopedsenseof identityoften tell themselves, if Iexpress myself, I may evoke disapproval. If I love and affirmmyself, I mayevoke resentment. If I am too happy withmyself, I may evoke jealousy. If Istandout,Imaybecompelledtostandalone.Theyremainfrozeninthefaceofsuchpossibilities—andpayaterriblepriceinlossofself-esteem.

Inthiscountrypsychologistsunderstandsuchfears,whichareverycommon,butwe(someofus)tendtoseethemasevidenceofimmaturity.Wesay:Havethe courage to be who you are. This sometimes brings us into conflict withspokespersonsforotherculturalperspectives.WhenIwroteaboutthechallengesofindividuationinHonoringtheSelf,aHawaiianpsychologistobjected,saying,ineffect,“HowAmerican!”Hearguedthathiscultureplacesahighervalueon“socialharmony.”

Whiletheterm“individuation”ismodern,theideaitexpressesisatleastasoldasAristotle.Wethinkofthestrivingofthehumanbeingtowardwholeness,towardcompletion,aninternalthrusttowardself-realizationorself-actualizationreminiscentofAristotle’sconceptofentelechy.Thethrusttowardself-realizationis intimately associated with our highest expressions of artistic and scientificgenius.Inthemodernworld,itisalsoassociatedwithpoliticalfreedom,withtheliberation of humankind from centuries of servitude to one kind of tribe oranother.

Examples Some people stand and move as if they have no right to the space theyoccupy. Some speak as if their intention is that you not be able to hear them,

either because theymumble or speak faintly or both.Some signal at themostcrudely obvious level that they do not feel they have a right to exist. Theyembody lack of self-assertiveness in its most extreme form. Their poor self-esteem is obvious. In therapy,when suchmen andwomen learn tomove andspeakwithmoreassurance, theyinvariablyreport(aftersomeinitialanxiety)ariseinself-esteem.

Notallmanifestationsofnon-self-assertivenessareobvious.Theaveragelifeismarkedbythousandsofunrememberedsilences,surrenders,capitulations,andmisrepresentationsof feelingsandbeliefs thatcorrodedignityandself-respect.Whenwedonotexpressourselves,donotassertourbeing,donotstandupforourvaluesincontextswhereitisappropriatetodoso,weinflictwoundsonoursenseofself.Theworlddoesnotdoittous—wedoittoourselves.

Ayoungmansitsaloneinthedarknessofamovietheater,deeplyinspiredbythedramaunfoldingbeforehim.Thestorytoucheshimsodeeplythat tearscometohiseyes.Heknowsthatinaweekorsohewillwanttocomebackandseethisfilmagain.Inthelobbyhespotsafriendwhowasat thesamescreening,andtheygreeteachother.Hesearcheshisfriend’sfaceforcluestohis feelings about the movie; but the face is blank. The friend inquires,“How’dyoulikethepicture?”Theyoungmanfeelsaninstantstaboffear;hedoes not want to appear “uncool.” He does not want to say the truth—“Ilovedit. It touchedmeverydeeply.”So insteadheshrugs indifferentlyandsays,“Notbad.”Hedoesnotknowthathehasjustslappedhisownface;orrather,hedoesnotknowitconsciously.Hisdiminishedself-esteemknowsit.

Somepeoplestandandmoveasiftheyhavenorighttothespacetheyoccupy.

Awomanisatacocktailpartywhereshehearssomeonemakeanuglyracialslur that causes her inwardly to cringe. She wants to say, “I found thatoffensive.”Sheknowsthatevilgathersmomentumbybeinguncontested.Butshe isafraidofevokingdisapproval. Inembarrassmentshe looksawayandsays nothing. Later, to appease her sense of uneasiness, she tells herself,“What difference does itmake?Themanwas a fool.”But her self-esteemknowswhatdifferenceitmakes.

Acollegestudentgoestoalecturegivenbyawriterwhoseworkthestudent

greatlyadmires.Afterward,hejoinsthegroupwhosurroundthewriterwithquestions.Hewantstosayhowmuchthiswoman’sbooksmeantohim,howmuchhehasbenefited fromthem,whatadifference theyhavemade inhislife.Buthe remains silent, tellinghimself, “Ofwhat importancewouldmyreactionbetoafamouswriter?”Shelooksathimexpectantly,butheremainsawkwardly silent. He senses that if he spoke… who knows what mighthappen?Perhapsshewouldcare.Butfearwins,andhetellshimself,“Idon’twanttobepushy.”

Amarriedwomanhearsherhusbandputtingforthsomeviewsheregardsasbothmisguidedandobjectionable.Shestruggleswithanimpulsetochallengehim, to express her own idea.But she is afraid to “rock the boat” of theirmarriage, afraid her husbandmaywithdraw approval if she disagreeswithhim.“Agoodwife,”hermotherhadtaughther,“supportsherhusband—rightorwrong.”ShehadonceheardherministerdeclareinhisSundaysermon,“Awoman’s relationship to her husband should be as man’s relationship toGod.”Thememoryof thesevoicesstill resonates inhermind.Sheremainssilent,asshehasremainedsilentonsuchoccasionsinthepast,anddoesnotrealizethattherootofhervaguesenseofguiltistheknowledgeofherself-betrayal.

APersonalExample I have already mentioned the relationship that I began with Ayn Rand amonthbeforemytwentiethbirthdayandthatcametoanexplosivepartingofthewayseighteenyearslater.AmongthemanybenefitsthatIreceivedfromherintheearlyyears,onewasanexperienceofprofoundvisibility. I feltunderstoodandappreciatedbyhertoanextentthatwaswithoutprecedent.Whatmadeherresponse so importantwas thehighesteem inwhich Iheldher; I admiredherenormously.

OnlygraduallydidIrealizethatshedidnottoleratedisagreementwell.Notamong intimates.Shedidnot require fullagreementamongacquaintances,butwithanyonewhowantedtobetrulyclose,enormousenthusiasmwasexpectedfor every deed and utterance. I did not notice the steps bywhich I learned tocensornegativereactionstosomeofherbehavior—when,forexample,Ifoundherself-congratulatoryremarksexcessiveorherlackofempathydisquietingorher pontificating unworthy of her. I did not give her the kind of correctivefeedbackeveryoneneedsfromtime to time; in itsabsencewecanbecometoo

insulatedfromreality,asshedid.In later years, after the break, I often reflected onwhy I did not speak up

moreoften—Iwhowas(atleastrelatively)freerwithherthananyoneelseinourcircle. The simple truth was, I valued her esteem too much to place it injeopardy.Ihad,ineffect,becomeaddictedtoit.Itseemstomeinretrospectthatshehadageniusfor inspiring justsuchaddictionsby thesubtlety,artistry,andastonishing insightfulness with which she could make people feel betterunderstoodandappreciatedthantheyhadeverfeltbefore.Idonotdenypersonalresponsibility; no one can be seduced without consent. In exchange for theintoxicatinggratificationofbeing treatedas ademigodby theperson IvaluedaboveallothersandwhosegoodopinionItreasuredaboveallothers,Ileashedmyself-assertivenessinwaysthatovertimeweredamagingtomyself-regard.

Thetemptationtoself-betrayalcansometimesbeworstwiththoseaboutwhomwecarethemost.

In the end, I learned an invaluable lesson. I learned that surrenders of this

kinddonotwork; theymerelypostpone confrontations that are inevitable andnecessary.Ilearnedthatthetemptationtoself-betrayalcansometimesbeworstwiththoseaboutwhomwecarethemost.Ilearnedthatnoamountofadmirationforanotherhumanbeingcanjustifysacrificingone’sjudgment.

Sentence Completions to Facilitate Self-Assertiveness

Herearesentencestemsthatcanfacilitatereachingadeeperunderstandingofself-assertiveness,aswellasenergizingitspractice.

WEEK1Self-assertivenesstomemeans—IfIlived5percentmoreself-assertivelytoday—Ifsomeonehadtoldmemywantswereimportant—IfIhadthecouragetotreatmywantsasimportant—WEEK2IfIbroughtmoreawarenesstomydeepestneedsandwants—

WhenIignoremydeepestyearnings—IfIwerewillingtosayyeswhenIwanttosayyesandnowhenIwantto

sayno—IfIwerewillingtovoicemythoughtsandopinionsmoreoften—WEEK3WhenIsuppressmythoughtsandopinions—IfIamwillingtoaskforwhatIwant—WhenIremainsilentaboutwhatIwant—IfIamwillingtoletpeoplehearthemusicinsideme—WEEK4IfIamwillingtoletmyselfhearthemusicinsideme—IfIamtoexpress5percentmoreofmyselftoday—WhenIhidewhoIreallyam—IfIwanttolivemorecompletely—

And on the weekend, after rereading the week’s stems, write six to tenendingsforIfanyofwhatIhavebeenwritingistrue,itmightbehelpfulifI—.

Ofcoursethereareotherwaystoworkwiththesestems.Inmyself-esteemgroups,forinstance,wemightworkwithallthestemsonthislistinonethree-hoursession,speakingourendingsaloud,thendiscussingourendingsandtheiraction-implications.

Courage Once again we can appreciate that the actions that support healthy self-esteem are also expressions of healthy self-esteem. Self-assertiveness bothsupportsself-esteemandisamanifestationofit.

Itisamistaketolookatsomeonewhoisself-assuredandsay,“It’seasyforher to be self-assertive, she has good self-esteem.”One of thewayswe buildself-esteem is by being self-assertive when it is not easy to do so. There arealwaystimeswhenself-assertivenesscallsonourcourage.

Thepracticeofself-assertivenessisthefourthpillarofself-esteem.

10

ThePracticeofLivingPurposefully

Ihaveafriendinhislatesixtieswhoisoneofthemostbrilliantandsought-afterbusinessspeakersinthecountry.Afewyearsagohereconnectedwithawomanhehadknownandlovedmanyyearsearlier,withwhomhehadbeenoutoftouchfor three decades. She, too, was now in her sixties. They fell passionately inlove.

Telling me about it one evening at dinner, my friend had never lookedhappier. Itwaswonderful tobewithhimand tosee the lookof raptureonhisface.Thinking,perhaps,of the twodivorces inhispast,he said,wistfullyandurgently,“God,IhopeIhandlethingsrightthistime.Iwantthisrelationshiptosucceedsomuch.Iwish,ImeanIwant—Ihope—youknow,thatIdon’tscrewup.”Iwassilentandheasked,“Gotanyadvice?”

“Well,yes,Ido,”Ianswered.“Ifyouwantittowork,youmustmakeityourconsciouspurpose that itwork.”He leaned forward intently,and Iwenton.“Ican just imagine what your reactionwould be if youwere at IBM and someexecutive said, ‘Gee, I hope we handle the marketing of this new productproperly.Ireallywantustosucceedwiththis,andIwish—’You’dbealloverhiminaminutesaying,‘Whatisthishopestuff?Whatdoyoumean,youwish?’My advice is, apply what you know about the importance of purpose—andaction plans—to your personal life. And leave ‘hoping’ and ‘wishing’ forchildren.”

Hiselatedsmilesaideloquentlythatheunderstood.Thisleadsmetothesubjectoflivingpurposefully.

Tolivewithoutpurposeistoliveatthemercyofchance—thechanceevent,thechance phone call, the chance encounter—because we have no standard bywhich to judgewhat isor isnotworthdoing.Outside forcesbounceusalong,like a cork floating on water, with no initiative of our own to set a specific

course.Ourorientationtolifeisreactiveratherthanproactive.Wearedrifters.Tolivepurposefullyistouseourpowersfortheattainmentofgoalswehave

selected:thegoalofstudying,ofraisingafamily,ofearningaliving,ofstartinga new business, of bringing a new product into themarketplace, of solving ascientificproblem,ofbuildingavacationhome,ofsustainingahappyromanticrelationship.Itisourgoalsthatleadusforward,thatcallontheexerciseofourfaculties,thatenergizeourexistence.

ProductivityandPurpose Tolivepurposefully is,amongother things, to liveproductively,whichisanecessity of making ourselves competent to life. Productivity is the act ofsupportingour existenceby translatingour thoughts into reality,of settingourgoals and working for their achievement, of bringing knowledge, goods, orservicesintoexistence.

Self-responsible men and women do not pass to others the burden ofsupporting their existence. It is not thedegreeof a person’s productive abilitythatmatters here but the person’s choice to exercise such ability as he or shepossesses. Nor is it the kind of work selected that is important, provided theworkisnotintrinsicallyantilife,butwhetherapersonseeksworkthatoffersanoutletforhisorherintelligence,iftheopportunitytodosoexists.

Purposeful men and women set productive goals commensurate with theirabilities,ortryto.Oneofthewaystheirself-conceptrevealsitselfisinthekindofpurposestheyset.Grantedsomedecipheringmaybenecessarybecauseofthecomplexitiesofprivatecontexts,ifweknowthekindofgoalspeoplechoose,wecanknowagooddealabouttheirvisionofthemselvesandaboutwhattheythinkispossibleandappropriatetothem.

EfficacyandPurpose Ifself-esteementailsabasicexperienceofcompetence(orefficacy),whatisthe relationship of that competence to narrower, more localized areas ofcompetenceinparticularareas?

Webuildoursenseoffundamentalefficacythroughthemasteryofparticularformsofefficacyrelatedtotheattainmentofparticulartasks.

Fundamental efficacy cannot be generated in a vacuum; itmust be createdandexpressed throughsomespecific tasks successfullymastered. It isnot thatachievements“prove”ourworthbut rather that theprocessofachieving is the

means by which we develop our effectiveness, our competence at living. Icannotbeefficaciousintheabstractwithoutbeingefficaciousaboutanythinginparticular.So,productiveworkhasthepotentialofbeingapowerfulself-esteem-buildingactivity.

Itiseasierforpeopletounderstandtheseideasasappliedtoworkthantopersonalrelationships.Thatmaybewhymorepeoplemakeasuccessoftheir

worklifethanoftheirmarriages.

Thepurposes thatmoveus need to be specific if they are to be realized. I

cannot organizemybehavior optimally ifmygoal ismerely “to domybest.”Theassignmentistoovague.Mygoalneedstobe:toexerciseonthetreadmillfor thirtyminutes four times aweek; to completemy (precisely defined) taskwithin tendays; tocommunicate tomy teamatournextmeetingexactlywhattheprojectrequires;toearnaspecificsumofmoneyincommissionsbytheendoftheyear;toachieveaspecificmarketnichebyaspecificmeansbyaspecifictarget date.With such specificity, I am able tomonitormy progress, compareintentions with results, modify my strategy or my tactics in response to newinformation,andbeaccountablefortheresultsIproduce.

To live purposefully is to be concerned with these questions: What am Itryingtoachieve?HowamI tryingtoachieveit?WhydoI thinkthesemeansare appropriate? Does the feedback from the environment convey that I amsucceeding or failing? Is there new information that I need to consider?Do Ineed tomakeadjustments inmycourse,or inmystrategy,or inmypractices?Do my goals and purposes need to be rethought? Thus, to live purposefullymeanstoliveatahighlevelofconsciousness.

It is easier for people to understand these ideas as applied towork than topersonal relationships.Thatmaybewhymorepeoplemake a success of theirworklifethanoftheirmarriages.Everyoneknowsitisnotenoughtosay“Ilovemywork.”Onemust show up at the office and do something.Otherwise, thebusinessmovestowardnonexistence.

Inintimaterelationships,however,itiseasytoimaginethat“love”isenough,thathappinesswilljustcome,andifitdoesn’t,thismeanswearewrongforeachother. People rarely ask themselves, “If my goal is to have a successfulrelationship,whatmustIdo?Whatactionsareneededtocreateandsustaintrust,intimacy,continuingself-disclosure,excitement,growth?”

Whenacoupleisnewlymarriedandveryhappy,itisusefultoask,“Whatis

youractionplantosustainthesefeelings?”Ifacoupleisinconflictandprofessesadesireforresolution,it isusefulto

ask,“Ifrestoredharmonyisyourpurpose,whatactionsareyoupreparedtotaketobringitabout?Whatactionsdoyoudesirefromyourpartner?Whatdoyouseeeachofyoudoingtomakethingsbetter?”

Purposesunrelatedtoaplanofactiondonotgetrealized.Theyexistonlyasfrustratedyearnings.

Daydreamsdonotproducetheexperienceofefficacy.

Self-Discipline To live purposefully and productively requires that we cultivate withinourselvesacapacityforself-discipline.Self-disciplineis theabilitytoorganizeour behavior over time in the service of specific tasks. No one can feelcompetent to copewith the challenges of lifewho iswithout the capacity forself-discipline. Self-discipline requires the ability to defer immediategratification in the service of a remote goal. This is the ability to projectconsequences into the future—to think, plan, and live long-range. Neither anindividual nor a business can function effectively, let alone flourish, in theabsenceofthispractice.

Like all virtues or practices that support self-esteem, self-discipline is asurvival virtue—meaning that for human beings it is a requirement of thesuccessfullifeprocess.Oneofthechallengesofeffectiveparenthoodoreffectiveteachingistocommunicatearespectforthepresentthatdoesnotdisregardthefuture,andarespectforthefuturethatdoesnotdisregardthepresent.Tomasterthisbalanceisachallengetoallofus.Itisessentialifwearetoenjoythesenseofbeingincontrolofourexistence.

Perhaps I should mention that a purposeful, self-disciplined life does notmeanalifewithouttimeorspaceforrest,relaxation,recreation,randomorevenfrivolous activity. Itmerelymeans that such activities are chosen consciously,withtheknowledgethatitissafeandappropriatetoengageinthem.Andinanyevent, the temporary abandonment of purpose also serves a purpose, whetherconsciouslyintendedornot:thatofregeneration.

WhatLivingPurposefullyEntails Asawayofoperatingintheworld,thepracticeoflivingpurposefullyentailsthefollowingcoreissues.

Takingresponsibilityforformulatingone’sgoalsandpurposesconsciously.Beingconcernedtoidentifytheactionsnecessarytoachieveone’sgoals.Monitoringbehaviortocheckthatitisinalignmentwithone’sgoals.Payingattentiontotheoutcomesofone’sactions,toknowwhethertheyare

leadingwhereonewantstogo.

Takingresponsibilityforformulatingone’sgoalsandpurposesconsciously.Ifwearetobeincontrolofourownlife,weneedtoknowwhatwewantandwherewewishtogo.Weneedtobeconcernedwithsuchquestionsas:WhatdoIwantformyselfinfive,ten,twentyyears?WhatdoIwantmylifetoaddupto?What do I want to accomplish professionally?What do I want in the area ofpersonalrelationships?IfIwishtomarry,why?Whatismypurpose?Withinthecontext of a particular relationship, what are my goals? In relating to mychildren,whataremygoals?IfIhaveintellectualorspiritualaspirations,whatarethey?Aremygoalsclearlyinfocusoraretheyvagueandindefinable?

Beingconcernedtoidentifytheactionsnecessarytoachieveone’sgoals.Ifourpurposesaretobepurposesandnotdaydreams,weneedtoask:HowdoIget there from here?What actions are necessary?What subpurposes must beaccomplishedonthewaytomyultimatepurpose?Ifnewknowledgeisrequired,howwill Iobtain it? Ifnewresourcesareneeded,howwill Iacquire them?Ifourgoalsarelong-rangeones,actionplanswillalmostcertainlyentailsubactionplans—thatis,plansfortheattainmentofsubpurposes.

Dowetakeresponsibilityforthinkingthesestepsout?Successinlifebelongstothosewhodo.Monitoringbehavior tocheckthat it is inalignmentwithone’sgoals.We

can have clearly defined purposes and a reasonable action plan but drift offcourse by distractions, the emergence of unanticipated problems, the pull ofother values, an unconscious reordering of priorities, lack of adequatementalfocus,orresistancetodoingwhatonehascommittedoneselftodo.Aconsciouspolicy of monitoring actions relative to stated purposes helps us to manageproblemsofthiskind.Sometimesthesolutionwillbetorededicateourselvestoour original intentions. Sometimes we will need to rethink what our mostimportantgoalsactuallyareandperhapsreformulateourpurposes.

Payingattentiontotheoutcomesofone’sactions,toknowwhethertheyareleading where one wants to go. Our goals may be clear and our actionscongruent, but our initial calculations about the right steps to takemay proveincorrect.Perhapstherewerefactswefailedtoconsider.Perhapsdevelopmentshave changed the context. So we need to keep asking: Are my strategy and

tacticsworking?AmIgettingwhereIwanttogo?AremyactionsproducingtheresultsIanticipated?

Weoftenseepeopleinbusinessfailingthisprinciplebyblindlyreciting,“Butwhat we are doing always worked in the past.” In a dynamic economy,yesterday’sstrategyandtacticsarenotnecessarilyadaptivetoday.

An example: Decades before the problems at General Motors becameapparent to everyone,when thecompanywas still at theheightof its success,managementconsultantPeterDruckerwarnedthatthepoliciesthathadworkedwell in the pastwould not be adaptive in the years to come and thatGeneralMotorswasmovingtowardacrisisifitdidnotrethinkitspolicies.HewasmetwithridiculeandhostilitybyGMexecutives.Yetrealityvindicatedhisanalysis.

Ouractionsmay fail toproduce theconsequenceswe intend,and theyalsomayproduceotherconsequenceswedidnotforeseeanddonotwant.Theymaywork at one level and yet be undesirable at another. For example, incessantnaggingandshoutingmayachieveshort-termacquiescencewhileevokinglong-termresentmentandrebelliousness.Acompanymaywinquickprofitsbysellingshoddygoodsanddestroythebusinesswithinayearascustomersdriftaway.Ifwe pay attention to outcomes, we are able to know not only whether we areachievingourgoalsbutalsowhatwemightbeachievingthatweneverintendedandmaynotlike.

Again,livingpurposefullyentailslivingconsciously.

ThinkingClearlyAboutPurposefulLiving 1. As an example of the confusions that can surround the issue of livingpurposefully,considertheextraordinarystatementmadebypsychiatristIrvinD.Yalom in his Existential Psychotherapy. He writes, “The belief that life isincompletewithoutgoalfulfillmentisnotsomuchatragicexistentialfactoflifeasitisaWesternmyth,aculturalartifact.”

If there is anything we know it is that life is impossible without “goalfulfillment”—impossible on every level of evolution, from the amoeba to thehumanbeing. It isneither “a tragicexistential fact”nora “Westernmyth”butratherthesimplenatureoflife—andoftenexhilarating.

Therootofourself-esteemisnotourachievementsbutthoseinternallygeneratedpracticesthat,amongotherthings,makeitpossibleforusto

achieve.

As a life orientation, the alternative to “goal fulfillment” is passivity and

aimlessness.Isitatragedythatsuchastatedoesnotyieldajoyequaltothejoysofachievement?

Incidentally, let us remember that “goal fulfillment” is not confined to“worldly”goals.Alifeofstudyormeditationhasitsownkindofpurposefulness—oritcanhave.Butalifewithoutpurposecanhardlybesaidtobehuman.

2. To observe that the practice of living purposefully is essential to fullyrealized self-esteem should not be understood tomean that themeasure of anindividual’sworthishisorherexternalachievements.Weadmireachievements—inothersand inourselves—andit isnaturalandappropriateforus todoso.Butthisisnotthesamethingassayingthatourachievementsarethemeasureorgroundsofourself-esteem.Therootofourself-esteemisnotourachievementsbut those internally generated practices that, among other things, make itpossibleforustoachieve—alltheself-esteemvirtueswearediscussinghere.

Steel industrialist Andrew Carnegie once stated, “You can take away ourfactories, takeawayour trade,ouravenuesof transportationandourmoney—leave us with nothing but our organization—and in four years we couldreestablishourselves.”Hispointwasthatpowerliesinthesourceofwealth,notin the wealth; in the cause, not the effect. The same principle applies to therelationshipbetweenself-esteemandexternalachievements.

3.Productiveachievementmaybeanexpressionofhighself-esteem,butitisnotitsprimarycause.Apersonwhoisbrilliantlytalentedandsuccessfulatworkbutirrationalandirresponsibleinhisorherprivatelifemaywanttobelievethatthesolecriterionofvirtueisproductiveperformanceandthatnoothersphereofaction has moral or self-esteem significance. Such a person may hide behindworkinordertoevadefeelingsofshameandguiltstemmingfromotherareasoflife (or frompainful childhoodexperiences), so thatproductiveworkbecomesnotsomuchahealthypassionasanavoidancestrategy,arefugefromrealitiesonefeelsfrightenedtoface.

In addition, if a person makes the error of identifying self with his work(ratherthanwiththeinternalvirtuesthatmaketheworkpossible),ifself-esteemis tiedprimarily to accomplishments, success, income,or being agood familyprovider, the danger is that economic circumstances beyond the individual’scontrolmayleadtothefailureofthebusinessorthelossofajob,flinginghimintodepressionoracutedemoralization.Whenalargeairplanecompanyclosedaplant inone town, thesuicidehot lineswentcrazy. (Thisproblem isprimarilyoneformales,whohavebeensocialized to identifyworth—andmasculinity—withbeingafamily’sprovider.Womenarelesspronetoidentifypersonalworth

—letalonefemininity—withearningability.)Some years ago, lecturing on this subject inDetroit, withmembers of the

automotive industry in the audience, Imade the followingobservation: “RightnowWashingtonistryingtodecidewhethertobailoutChryslerbyguaranteeingalargeloan.Nevermindforthemomentwhetheryouthinkthat’sanappropriategovernmentfunction;Idon’tthinkitis,butthat’sirrelevant.Thepointis,ifyouwork for Chrysler and tie your self-esteem to being a high achiever in thatcompanyortoearningagoodincomethisyear,thenwhatthatmeanspracticallyisthatyouarewillingforsomepersonsinWashingtonliterallytoholdyoursoulin their hands, to have total control over your sense ofworth.Does that ideaoffendyou?Ihopeso.Itoffendsme.”

Itisbadenough,duringeconomichardtimes,tohavetoworryaboutmoneyand our family’swelfare and future, but it is stillworse ifwe allow our self-esteem to become undermined in the process—by telling ourselves, in effect,thatourefficacyandworthareafunctionofourearnings.

OnoccasionIhavecounseledoldermenandwomenwhofoundthemselvesunemployed,passedoverinfavorofpeopleagooddealyoungerwhowereinnowaybetterequipped,orevenaswellequipped,fortheparticularjob.Ihavealsoworkedwithhighlytalentedyoungpeoplewhosufferedfromareverseformofthe same prejudice, a discrimination against youth in favor of age—where,again, objective competence and ability were not the standard. In suchcircumstances, often those involved suffer a feeling of loss of personaleffectiveness.Suchafeelingisonlyahairlineawayfromasenseofdiminishedself-esteem—andoftenturnsintoit.Ittakesanunusualkindofpersontoavoidfallingintothetrapofthiserror.Ittakesapersonwhoisalreadywellcenteredand who understands that some of the forces operating are beyond personalcontroland,strictlyspeaking,donothave(orshouldnothave)significanceforself-esteem.Itisnotthattheymaynotsufferorfeelanxietyforthefuture;itisthattheydonotinterprettheproblemintermsofpersonalworth.

When a question of self-esteem is involved, the question to ask is: Is thismatterwithinmydirect,volitionalcontrol?Orisitatleastlinkedbyadirectlineof causality to matters within my direct, volitional control? If it isn’t, it isirrelevanttoself-esteemandshouldbeperceivedtobe,howeverpainfulorevendevastatingtheproblemmaybeonothergrounds.

One day the teaching of this principle will be included in parents’understandingofproperchild-rearing.Onedayitwillbetaughtintheschools.

4.Iaskedafriendofmine,abusinessmanapproachingsixty,whatgoalshehadfortherestofhislife.Heanswered,“Idon’thaveanygoals.AllmylifeI’velivedforthefuture,atthesacrificeofthepresent.Irarelystoppedtoenjoymy

familyorphysicalnatureor anyof thebeautiful things theworldhas tooffer.Now I don’t thinkor plan ahead. I stillmanagemymoney, of course, anddooccasionaldeals.Butmyprimarygoal is toenjoy lifeeachday—toappreciatefully everything I can. In that sense I suppose you could say I’m still livingpurposefully.”

Itsounded,Itoldhim,asifhehadneverlearnedhowtobalanceprojectinggoalsintothefuturewithappreciatingandlivinginthepresent.“That’salwaysbeenaproblemforme,”heagreed.

Aswehaveseen,thisisnotwhatlivingpurposefullymeansorentails.It isappropriatetobeblindneithertothefuturenorthepresent,buttointegratebothintoourexperienceandperceptions.

Totheextentthatourgoalisto“prove”ourselvesortowardoffthefearoffailure,thisbalanceisdifficulttoachieve.Wearetoodriven.Notjoybutanxietyisourmotor.

But if our aim is self-expression rather than self-justification, the balancetends to come more naturally. We will still need to think about its dailyimplementation,buttheanxietyofwoundedself-esteemwillnotmakethetasknearlyimpossible.

Examples All his life Jack dreamed of being a writer. He pictured himself at his

typewriter,hevisualizedagrowingstackofcompletedchapters,hesawhispictureonthecoverofTime.However,hewasvagueonwhathewantedtowriteabout.Hecouldnothavesaidwhathewishedtoexpress.Thisdidnotdisturb his pleasant reveries. He never thought about how to go aboutlearning to write. In fact, he did not write. He merely daydreamed aboutwriting.He drifted fromone low-income job to another, telling himself hedid notwish to be tied downor distracted, since his “real” professionwaswriting.Theyearswentbyandlifeseemedemptierandemptier.Hisfearofbeginningtowriteescalatedbecausenow,byforty,hefeltsurelyheshouldhave begun. “Someday,” he said. “When I’m ready.” Looking at peoplearoundhim,hetoldhimselfhowmundanetheir liveswerecomparedtohisown. “They have no great visions,” he thought. “No great dreams. Myaspirationsaresomuchhigherthantheirs.”

Marywasanexecutiveinanadvertisingagency.Herprimaryresponsibilitieswereinmarketing—developingnewaccounts.Butshewasacompassionateperson, and she greatly enjoyed being helpful to those around her. She

encouragedassociates todropintoherofficeandtalkabout theirproblems;not only office problems but also personal ones. She enjoyed jokes to theeffectthatshewasthe“officeshrink.”Shedidnotnoticethatalargeamountofher timewasdrained inactivities forwhichshehadnotbeenhired.Shebecame agitated when her performance appraisal reflected dissatisfactionwith her work. Yet she found it difficult to change her pattern; the ego-gratificationof “helpingothers”hadbecomeaddictive.Consequently, therewas a poor match between her conscious work goals and her behavior—betweenherprofessedpurposesandtheallocationofhertime.Agoalshehadnot chosen consciously took precedence over one she had chosenconsciously. Since she did not practice the discipline of monitoring heractionsforjustsuchapossibility,thefullrealityofherlapsedidnotpenetrateherawareness—untilshewasfired.

Markwanted to be an effective father.Hewanted to teach his son self-respect and self-responsibility.He thought that a goodway to achieve thiswasbylecturingtohisson.Hedidnotnoticethat themorehelecturedthemore intimidatedanduncertainhissonbecame.When theboyshowedanykindoffear, thefathersaid,“Don’tbeafraid!”Whenhissonbegantohidehis feelings to avoid reproaches, the father said, “Speak up! If you’ve gotsomething to say, say it!” As the son keptmore andmore to himself, thefathersaid,“Arealmanparticipates in life!”Thefatherwondered,“What’sthematterwiththatboy?Whywon’theeverlistentome?”Inbusiness,ifthefathertriedsomethinganditdidn’twork,hetriedsomethingelse.Hedidnotblame his customers or the universe; he looked forwhat hemight do thatwouldbemoreeffective.Hepaidattentiontotheoutcomesofhisactions.Athome,however,whenneither lecturesnor reproachesnor shoutingworked,he did themmore often and intensely. In this context he did not think oftrackingtheoutcomesofhisactions.Whatheknewintheprofessionalrealmhehadforgotten in thepersonal:Doingmoreofwhatdoesn’tworkdoesn’twork.

PersonalExamples When I thinkofwhat livingpurposefullymeans inmy life, I think first oftaking responsibility for generating the actionsnecessary to achievemygoals.Livingpurposefullyoverlapssignificantlywithself-responsibility.

IthinkofatimewhenIwantedsomethingIcouldnotaffordthatrepresented

a significant improvement in myway of living. A fairly large expenditure ofmoneywas involved.For severalyears I remaineduncharacteristicallypassiveaboutfindingasolution.ThenonedayIhadathoughtthatcertainlywasnotnewtome andyet somehowhad fresh impact: If I don’t do something, nothing isgoingtochange.Thisjoltedmeoutofmyprocrastination,ofwhichIhadbeendimlyawareforalongtimebuthadnotconfronted.

I proceeded to conceive and implement a project that was stimulating,challenging, profoundly satisfying and worthwhile—and that produced theadditionalincomeIneeded.

Inprinciple,Icouldhavedoneitseveralyearsearlier.OnlywhenIbecameboredandirritatedwithmyownprocrastination;onlywhenIdecided,“Icommitmyselftofindingasolutionoverthenextfewweeks”;onlywhenIappliedwhatIknowabout livingpurposefully tomyownsituation—only thendid I launchmyselfintoactionandtowardasolution.

WhenIdid,InoticedthatnotonlywasIhappierbutalsothatmyself-esteemrose.

IfIdon’tdosomething,nothingisgoingtochange.

WhenItoldthisstoryinoneofmyself-esteemgroups,Iwaschallengedby

someonewho said, “That’s okay for you.But not everyone is in a position todevelopnewprojects.Whatarewetodo?”Iinvitedhimtotalkabouthisownprocrastination and about theunfulfilleddesire involved. “If youmade it yourconsciouspurposetoachievethatdesire,”Iasked,“whatmightyoudo?”Afterabitofgood-naturedprompting,hebegantotellme.

Hereisanotherpersonalexamplethatinvolvesself-discipline.Mywife,Devers,isexceptionalinthedegreeofherbenevolence,generosity,

andkindnesstootherhumanbeingsand,aboveall,tome.Herconsciousness—andconsistency—in this aspectof life is veryhigh.Whilemy intentionshavegenerallybeengood,Ihaveneverhadherdisciplineinthisarea.Mygenerosityhas been more impulsive. This means that at times I could be unkind anduncompassionate without intention and without realizing it, simply frompreoccupation.

Oneday,Deverssaidsomethingthatimpressedmeprofoundly.“Youareverykind,generous,andcaring—whenyoustoplongenoughinwhatyouaredoingforittooccurtoyou.Whatyouhaveneverlearnedisthedisciplineofkindness.This means kindness that is not a matter of mood or convenience. It means

kindnessasabasicwayoffunctioning.Itisinyouasapotential,butitdoesn’thappen without consciousness and discipline, which perhaps you’ve neverthoughtabout.”

Wehadversionsofthisdiscussionmorethanonce.Animportantstepofmygrowth was when I integrated those discussions to the principle of livingpurposefully—so that kindness became not merely an inclination but aconsciousgoal.

For self-esteem, consistent kindness by intention is a very differentexperiencefromkindnessbyimpulse.

Sentence-Completions to Facilitate LivingPurposefully

Here are some stems that my clients find helpful in deepening theirunderstandingoftheideaswehavebeendiscussing.Livingpurposefullytomemeans—IfIbring5percentmorepurposefulnesstomylifetoday—IfIoperatewith5percentmorepurposefulnessatwork—IfIam5percentmorepurposefulinmycommunications—IfIbring5percentmorepurposefulnesstomyrelationshipsatwork—IfIoperate5percentmorepurposefullyinmymarriage—IfIoperate5percentmorepurposefullywithmychildren—IfIoperate5percentmorepurposefullywithmyfriends—IfIam5percentmorepurposefulaboutmydeepestyearnings—IfIam5percentmorepurposefulabouttakingcareofmyneeds—IfItookmoreresponsibilityforfulfillingmywants—IfanyofwhatIhavebeenwritingistrue,itmightbehelpfulifI—

Livingpurposefullyisafundamentalorientationthatappliestoeveryaspectofourexistence.Itmeansthatweliveandactbyintention.Itisadistinguishingcharacteristicofthosewhoenjoyahighlevelofcontrolovertheirlife.

Thepracticeoflivingpurposefullyisthefifthpillarofself-esteem.

11

ThePracticeofPersonalIntegrity

Aswematureanddevelopourownvaluesandstandards(orabsorbthemfromothers),theissueofpersonalintegrityassumesincreasingimportanceinourself-assessment.

Integrity is the integration of ideals, convictions, standards, beliefs—andbehavior. When our behavior is congruent with our professed values, whenidealsandpracticematch,wehaveintegrity.

Observe that before the issue of integrity can even be raised we needprinciplesofbehavior—moralconvictionsaboutwhatisandisnotappropriate—judgmentsaboutrightandwrongaction.Ifwedonotyetholdstandards,weareon too low a developmental rung even to be accused of hypocrisy. In such acase, our problems are too severe to be describedmerely as lack of integrity.Integrity arises as an issue only for those who profess standards and values,which,ofcourse,isthegreatmajorityofhumanbeings.

When we behave in ways that conflict with our judgment of what isappropriate, we lose face in our own eyes. We respect ourselves less. If thepolicybecomeshabitual,wetrustourselveslessorceasetotrustourselvesatall.

No,wedonotforfeittherighttopracticeself-acceptanceinthebasicsensediscussedearlier;wehavenotedthatself-acceptanceisapreconditionofchangeorimprovement.Butself-esteemnecessarilysuffers.Whenabreachofintegritywoundsself-esteem,onlythepracticeofintegritycanhealit.

Whenwebehaveinwaysthatconflictwithourjudgmentofwhatisappropriate,welosefaceinourowneyes.

At the simplest level, personal integrity entails such questions as: Am I

honest,reliable,andtrustworthy?DoIkeepmypromises?DoIdothethingsI

sayIadmireanddoIavoidthethingsIsayIdeplore?AmIfairandjustinmydealingswithothers?

Sometimes we may find ourselves caught in a conflict between differentvaluesthatclashinaparticularcontext,andthesolutionmaybefarfromself-evident.Integritydoesnotguaranteethatwewillmakethebestchoice; itonlyasksthatourefforttofindthebestchoicebeauthentic—thatwestayconscious,stay connected with our knowledge, call on our best rational clarity, takeresponsibility for our choice and its consequences, do not seek to escape intomentalfog.

Congruence Integritymeanscongruence.Wordsandbehaviormatch.

Therearepeopleweknowwhomwe trustandotherswedonot. Ifweaskourselvesthereason,wewillseethatcongruenceisbasic.Wetrustcongruencyandaresuspiciousofincongruency.

Studiesdisclose thatmanypeople inorganizationsdonot trust thoseabovethem.Why?Lackofcongruence.Beautifulmissionstatementsunsupportedbypractice.Thedoctrineofrespectfortheindividualdisgracedinaction.Slogansaboutcustomerserviceonthewallsunmatchedbytherealitiesofdailybusiness.Sermons about honestymockedby cheating. Promises of fairness betrayed byfavoritism.

Inmostorganizations,however,therearemenandwomanwhomotherstrust.Why? They keep their word. They honor their commitments. They don’t justpromisetostickupfortheirpeople,theydoit.Theyjustdon’tpreachfairness,theypracticeit.Theydon’tjustcounselhonestyandintegrity,theyliveit.

Igaveagroupofexecutivesthissentencestem:IfIwantpeopletoperceivemeastrustworthy—.Herearetypicalendings:“Imustkeepmyword”;“Imustbeevenhandedinmydealingswitheveryone”;“Imustwalkmytalk”;“Imustfollowthroughonmycommitments”;“Imust lookaftermypeopleagainst thehigher-ups”; “I must be consistent.” To any executive who wishes to beperceivedastrustworthy,thereisnomysteryaboutwhatisrequired.

Thereareparentswhomtheirchildrentrustandthereareparentswhomtheirchildren do not trust.Why? The principle is the same as above: congruence.Childrenmaynotbeabletoarticulatewhattheyknow,buttheyknow.

WhenWeBetrayOurStandards

Tounderstandwhylapsesofintegrityaredetrimentaltoself-esteem,considerwhatalapseofintegrityentails.IfIactincontradictiontoamoralvalueheldbysomeoneelsebutnotbyme,Imayormaynotbewrong,butIcannotbefaultedfor having betrayed my convictions. If, however, I act against what I myselfregardasright,ifmyactionsclashwithmyexpressedvalues,thenIactagainstmy judgment, I betray my mind. Hypocrisy, by its very nature, is self-invalidating.Itismindrejectingitself.Adefaultonintegrityunderminesmeandcontaminatesmysenseofself.Itdamagesmeasnoexternalrebukeorrejectioncandamageme.

If I give sermons on honesty to my children yet lie to my friends andneighbors; if I become righteous and indignantwhenpeopledonotkeep theircommitments to me but disregard my commitments to others; if I preach aconcern with quality but indifferently sell my customers shoddy goods; if IunloadbondsIknowtobefallinginvaluetoaclientwhotrustsmyhonor;ifIpretend to care aboutmy staff’s ideaswhenmymind is alreadymadeup; if Ioutmaneuveracolleagueintheofficeandappropriateherachievements;ifIaskforhonestfeedbackandpenalizetheemployeewhodisagreeswithme;ifIaskforpaysacrificesfromothersonthegroundsofhardtimesandthengivemyselfa gigantic bonus—Imay evade my hypocrisy, I may produce any number ofrationalizations,butthefactremainsIlaunchanassaultonmyself-respectthatnorationalizationwilldispel.

IfIamuniquelysituatedtoraisemyself-esteem,Iamalsouniquelysituatedtolowerit.

Oneofthegreatself-deceptionsistotelloneself,“OnlyIwillknow.”OnlyIwillknowIamaliar;onlyIwillknowIdealunethicallywithpeoplewhotrustme; only I will know I have no intention of honoring my promise. Theimplication is thatmy judgment is unimportant and that only the judgment ofotherscounts.Butwhenitcomestomattersofself-esteem,Ihavemoretofearfrommyownjudgmentthanfromanyoneelse’s.Intheinnercourtroomofmymind,mineistheonlyjudgmentthatcounts.Myego,the“I”atthecenterofmyconsciousness, is the judge fromwhom there is no escape. I can avoidpeoplewhohavelearnedthehumiliatingtruthaboutme.Icannotavoidmyself.

Mostoftheissuesofintegritywefacearenotbigissuesbutsmallones,yettheaccumulatedweightofourchoiceshasanimpactonoursenseofself.

I recall anewsarticle I read someyearsagoabout amedical researcherofhigh reputewhowas discovered to have been faking his data for a long timewhilepilingupgrant aftergrant andhonor afterhonor.Therewasnoway forself-esteemnot to be a casualty of such behavior, even before the fakerywasrevealed. He knowingly chose to live in a world of unreality, where hisachievements and prestige were equally unreal. Long before others knew, heknew. Impostorsof thiskind,who live foran illusion in someoneelse’smind,whichtheyholdasmoreimportantthantheirownknowledgeofthetruth,donotenjoygoodself-esteem.

Mostoftheissuesofintegritywefacearenotbigissuesbutsmallones,yetthe accumulated weight of our choices has an impact on our sense of self. Iconduct weekly ongoing “self-esteem groups” for people who have cometogetherforaspecificpurpose,togrowinself-efficacyandself-respect,andoneeveningIgavethegroupthissentencestem:IfIbring5percentmoreintegrityintomy life—.Aswewent around the circle, here are the endings thatwereexpressed:

IfIbring5percentmoreintegrityintomylife—

I’dtellpeoplewhentheydothingsthatbotherme.Iwouldn’tpadmyexpenseaccount.I’dbetruthfulwithmyhusbandaboutwhatmyclothescost.I’dtellmyparentsIdon’tbelieveinGod.I’dadmititwhenI’mflirting.Iwouldn’tbesoingratiatingtopeopleIdislike.Iwouldn’tlaughatjokesIthinkstupidandvulgar.I’dputinmoreofaneffortatwork.I’dhelpmywifemorewithchores,asIpromised.I’dtellcustomersthetruthaboutwhatthey’rebuying.Iwouldn’tjustsaywhatpeoplewanttohear.Iwouldn’tsellmysoultobepopular.I’dsaynowhenIwanttosayno.IwouldacknowledgemyresponsibilitytopeopleI’vehurt.I’dmakeamends.I’dkeepmypromises.

Iwouldn’tpretendagreement.Iwouldn’tdenyitwhenI’mangry.I’dmakemoreofanefforttobefairandnotjustflyoffthehandle.I’dadmititwhenothershavehelpedme.I’dadmitittomychildrenwhenIknowI’mwrong.Iwouldn’ttakesupplieshomefromtheoffice.

Theeaseandspeedofpeople’sresponsespointtothefactthatthesemattersare not very far beneath the surface of awareness, although there isunderstandablemotivation toevade them. (Oneof the reasons I findsentence-completionworksousefulisitspowertobypassmostblocksandavoidances.)Atragedyofmanylivesisthatpeoplegreatlyunderestimatetheself-esteemcostsand consequences of hypocrisy anddishonesty.They imagine that atworst allthatisinvolvedissomediscomfort.Butitisthespirititselfthatiscontaminated.

DealingwithGuilt The essenceof guilt,whethermajor orminor, ismoral self-reproach. I didwrongwhen it was possible forme to do otherwise. Guilt always carries theimplication of choice and responsibility, whether or not we are consciouslyawareofit.Forthisreason,itisimperativethatwebeclearonwhatisandisnotinourpower—whatisandisnotabreachofintegrity.Otherwise,weruntheriskofacceptingguiltinappropriately.

TheideaofOriginalSinisanti-self-esteembyitsverynature.

For example, suppose someone we love—a husband, a wife, a child—is

killed in an accident.Even thoughwemayknow the thought is irrational,wemaytellourselves,“SomehowIshouldhavepreventedit.”Perhapsthisguiltisfedinpartbyourregretsoveractionstakenornot takenwhile thepersonwasalive.Inthecaseofdeathsthatseemsenseless,suchaswhenapersonishitbyacareless automobile driver or dies during minor surgery, the survivor mayexperienceanunbearablefeelingofbeingoutofcontrol,ofbeingatthemercyof an event that has no rational significance.Then self-blameor self-reproachcan ameliorate the anguish, can diminish a sense of impotence. The survivor

feels,“IfonlyIhaddonesuchandsuchdifferently,thisterribleaccidentwouldnothaveoccurred.”Thus,“guilt”canservethedesireforefficacybyprovidingan illusion of efficacy. We see the same principle when children blamethemselves for their parents’ wrongdoing. (“If I weren’t bad, Daddywouldn’thavehitMommy.”“IfIweren’tbad,Mommywouldn’thavegottendrunkandsetthehouseonfire.”)ThisproblemisexaminedinHonoringtheSelf.

Theprotectionofself-esteemrequiresaclearunderstandingofthelimitsofpersonalresponsibility.Wherethereisnopower,therecanbenoresponsibility,andwhere there is no responsibility, there canbe no reasonable self-reproach.Regret,yes;guilt,no.

TheideaofOriginalSin—ofguiltwherethereisnopossibilityofinnocence,nofreedomofchoice,noalternativesavailable—isanti-self-esteembyitsverynature.Theverynotionofguiltwithoutvolitionorresponsibilityisanassaultonreasonaswellasonmorality.

Letusthinkaboutguiltandhowitcanberesolvedinsituationswherewearepersonallyresponsible.Generallyspeaking,fivestepsareneededtorestoreone’ssenseofintegritywithregardtoaparticularbreach.

1.Wemustownthefactthatitiswewhohavetakentheparticularaction.

Wemust faceandaccept thefull realityofwhatwehavedone,withoutdisowningoravoidance.Weown,weaccept,wetakeresponsibility.

2. We seek to understand why we did what we did. We do thiscompassionately(asdiscussedunderthepracticeofself-acceptance),butwithoutevasivealibiing.

3.Ifothersareinvolved,astheyoftenare,weacknowledgeexplicitlytotherelevant person or persons the harm we have done. We convey ourunderstandingoftheconsequencesofourbehavior.Weacknowledgehowtheyhavebeenaffectedbyus.Weconveyunderstandingoftheirfeelings.

4. We take anyandall actions available thatmightmakeamends fororminimizetheharmwehavedone.

5.Wefirmlycommitourselvestobehavingdifferentlyinthefuture.

Without all these steps, we may continue to feel guilty over some wrongbehavior, even though ithappenedyears ago, even thoughourpsychotherapistmight have told us everyone makes mistakes, and even though the wrongedpersonmayhaveofferedforgiveness.Noneofthatmaybeenough;self-esteemremainsunsatisfied.

Sometimeswe try tomakeamendswithouteverowningor facingwhatwehavedone.Orwekeepsaying“I’msorry.”Orwegooutofourwaytobeniceto

thepersonwehavewrongedwithouteveraddressingthewrongexplicitly.Orweignorethefactthattherearespecificactionswecouldtaketoundotheharmwehavecaused.Sometimes,ofcourse, there isnoway toundo theharm,andwemust accept and make our peace with that; we cannot do more than what ispossible. But ifwe do not dowhat is possible and appropriate, guilt tends tolingeron.

Whenguilt is a consequenceof failed integrity, nothing less thanan actofintegritycanredressthebreach.

WhatIfOurValuesAreIrrational? Whileitiseasyenoughtorecognizeatacommonsenseleveltherelationshipbetweenself-esteemandintegrity, theissueoflivinguptoourstandardsisnotalwayssimple.Whatifourstandardsareirrationalormistaken?

Wemayacceptorabsorbacodeofvalues thatdoesviolence toournatureandneeds.Forexample,certainreligiousteachingsimplicitlyorexplicitlydamnsex, damn pleasure, damn the body, damn ambition, damn material success,damn(forallpracticalpurposes) theenjoymentoflifeonearth.Ifchildrenareindoctrinatedwiththeseteachings,whatwillthepracticeof“integrity”meanintheirlives?Someelementsof“hypocrisy”maybeallthatkeepsthemalive.

Onceweseethatlivinguptoourstandardsappearstobeleadingustowardself-destruction,thetimehascometoquestionourstandards.

Onceweseethatlivinguptoourstandardsappearstobeleadingustoward

self-destruction,thetimehascometoquestionourstandardsratherthansimplyresigningourselvestolivingwithoutintegrity.Wemustsummonthecouragetochallenge some of our deepest assumptions concerning what we have beentaught to regard as the good. That courage may be needed is evident in thefollowing sentence completions commonly heard inmy therapy practice.Anypsychotherapistwhocarestoexperimentwiththesestemscandiscoverforhim-orherselfhowtypicaltheseendingsare.

Atthethoughtofgoingagainstmyparents’values—

Ifeelfrightened.Ifeellost.

Iseemyselfasanoutcast.Inolongerbelongwithmyfamily.Ifeelalone.I’dhavetothinkformyself.I’dhavetorelyonmyownmind.WhatwouldIdothen?I’dlosemyparents’love.I’dhavetogrowup.

IfIweretothinkformyselfaboutthevaluesIwanttoliveby—

Motherwouldhaveaheartattack.I’dbefree.I’dhavetotellmyparentsIthinkthey’rewrongaboutalotofthings.Isthiswhatgrown-upsdo?I’dneedanawfullotofnerve.Wouldn’tthatbearrogant?I’dhavetostandonmyownfeet.Icouldn’tbeDaddy’slittlegirlanymore.

Asexamplesoftheconfusionandconflictaboutwhatthepracticeofintegritymightmeanindailyliving,Iofferthefollowing:

Women who struggle with the moral dilemmas created by the Catholicchurch’sprohibitionofbirthcontroldevicesandabortion.

Employees in government agencies who, appalled by the magnitude ofbureaucratic corruption among colleagues and superiors, feel themselvescaughtinconflictbetweentheirnotionofpatriotismandgoodcitizenshipontheonehandandthedemandsofindividualconscienceontheother.

Hard-working,ambitiousbusinessmenwhohadbeenencouragedatthestartoftheircareerstobeproductiveandindustriousbutwho,whentheyfinallycommitted the sin of succeeding, were confronted with the disorientingbiblicalpronouncementthatitshallbeeasierforacameltopassthroughtheeyeofaneedlethanforarichmantoenterthekingdomofheaven.

Wiveswhosensethatthetraditionalviewofwoman-as-servant-to-manisamoralityofself-annihilation.

Youngmenstrugglingwiththedilemmaofcomplyingwithorfleeingfrommilitaryconscription.

Formernunsandpriestsdisenchantedwiththereligiousinstitutionstowhichtheyhadgiventheirallegianceandstrivingtodefinetheirvaluesoutsidethecontextofatraditiontheycannolongeraccept.

Rabbisorformerrabbiswithpreciselythesameproblem.Youngpersonsrebellingagainstthevaluesoftheirparentsandnotknowing

whatvisionofthegoodtolivebyinstead.

In such conflicts we see how essential are other practices, such as livingconsciouslyandself-responsibly,tointegrity.Wecannotpracticeintegrityinanintellectualvacuum.

Toresolveanyoftheconflictslistedabove,orcountlessotherslikethem,onewould have to rethink one’s deepest values, commitments, and priorities—orperhaps think about them for the first time—and be willing, if necessary, tochallengeanyandallauthorities.

Oneofthemostpositiveaspectsofthewomen’smovementisitsinsistencethatwomenthinkforthemselvesaboutwhotheyareandwhattheywant.Butmen

needtolearnthiskindofindependentthinkingasmuchaswomendo.

Oneareainwhichlivingconsciouslyandintegrityclearlyintersectisinthe

needtoreflectonthevalueswehavebeentaught,thesharedassumptionsofourfamily or culture, the roles we may have been assigned—and to questionwhether they fit our own perceptions and understanding, or whether they doviolencetothedeepestandbestwithinus,towhatissometimescalled“ourtruenature.”Oneofthemostpositiveaspectsofthewomen’smovement,asIseeit,is its insistence thatwomen think for themselves aboutwho they are,what ispossible and appropriate to them, andwhat theywant (notwhat someone elsewantsthemtowant).Butmenneedtolearnthiskindofindependentthinkingasmuch as women do. One of the penalties for living unconsciously—for bothsexes—is that of enduring unrewarding lives in the service of self-stultifyingendsneverexaminedorchosenwithawarenessbytheindividualsinvolved.

Thehigherthelevelofconsciousnessatwhichweoperate,themorewelive

byexplicitchoiceandthemorenaturallydoesintegrityfollowasaconsequence.

OnFollowingYourOwnBliss Discussing the complexities ofmoral decisionmaking in a lecture once, Iwas askedwhat I thought of JosephCampbell’s counsel to “Followyour ownbliss.”DidIbelieve itwasethicallyappropriate? Ianswered thatwhile I likedwhat I believed to be Campbell’s basic intention, his statement could bedangerousifdivorcedfromarationalcontext.Isuggestedthismodification(ifIwere forced to condense my ideas on morality into a single sentence): “Liveconsciously—takeresponsibilityforyourchoicesandactions—respecttherightsofothers—andfollowyourownbliss.”IaddedthatasapieceofmoraladviceIlovedtheSpanishproverb“‘Takewhatyouwant,’saidGod,‘andpayforit.’”Butofcoursecomplexmoraldecisionscannotbemadesimplyon thebasisofstatements such as these, helpful though theymay sometimesbe.Amoral liferequiresseriousreflection.

ExamplesPhilipistheclosefriendofafamousactor.Heistheactor’sconfidant.He

listensemphaticallywhenhisfriendcallshim—sometimesinthemiddleofthe night—to talk for hours about his personal and professional troubles.Philip’sfeelingsofself-wortharenurturedbytheintimaciesthisfamousmanshares with him. When he is with his other friends, Philip can not resistdropping remarks from time to time that stress the closeness of theirconnection.“Iknowmillionsofwomenadorehim,butyou’dbesurprisedathowinsecureheis.He’salwaysasking,‘Isitmetheywant,ormyfame?’”“Hehasthisawfulfeelingofbeinganimpostor.Isn’t thatsad?He’ssuchawonderful person.” “Sometimes—this is confidential, of course—he hastroublemaintaininghiserection.”Philipinsiststhatheloveshisfriendandisabsolutelyloyal.Whatdoeshetellhimself,atthreeo’clockinthemorning,abouthisdozensofbetrayals,generatedbyhiscravingforstatusintheeyesofhisotherfriends?Doeshenoticethateachsuchbetrayallowersratherthanraiseshisself-esteem?Doeshemaketheconnection?

Sally is amember of a book club whosemonthlymeetings she attendsenthusiastically.Theysupportherdesiretofeelcultured.Thechairwomanisacharismatic,highlyknowledgeablepersonwhomeveryoneadmires.Mostof thewomen feel proudwhen she shares their literary assessments. They

want to be on her “good side,” because that enhances their feelings ofpersonalworth.Onedaythechairwomanhasafallingoutwithamemberoftheclub,someonewhohadbeenagoodfriendofSally’sforyears.Nooneknowswhatthedisputeisabout.Thechairwomanchoosesnottodiscussitscontentexceptinverygeneralterms.Butshearrangesforeveryonetoknowthatthisperson,whohasdroppedoutoftheclub,ispersonanongrata.Now,noonewantstobeknowntobetalkingtoher.WhenthewomantelephonesSally,eagertodiscussherperspectiveontheconflict,Sallyfindsanexcuseto put her off. She is afraid that if she hears her friend’s position and ismovedbyit,shewillbeflungintoanimpossibleconflict.Shedoesnotwanttolosestatuswithherotherfriendsorwiththechairwoman.Soshedoesnotreturnherfriend’sphonecalls.Insidehermindshebeginstofindmoreandmore fault with her friend. Soon she is airing her own list of grievances,which she had never spoken of in the past. Her reward is the smile ofapprovalonthechairwoman’sfaceandtheirsubsequentincreasedintimacy.Sheisawareoftherewardbutnotcomparablyawareofitscost:diminishedself-respect.

Until his electronics companybegins to suffer from foreign competition,Irvingwas always an advocateof free trade.He scornedbusinessmenwhosought the aid of government to grant them special privileges, favors, orvarious formsofprotection.“That’snot truecapitalism,”he said,correctly.Nowheisfrightened;heknowshisproductsarenotasgoodasthoseofhisforeigncompetitors,whokeepbringinginnovationafter innovationinto themarketplace.Heengagesapublic relationsfirmtohelphimwritespeechesfavoring government restrictions on imports that threaten him. He hires afirm inWashington to lobby for legislation that would protect him.Whenassociates try to point out that protected industries have a history ofremaining permanentlyweak, he brushes their observations aside.He doesnotwanttothinkaboutthat;consciousnessinthisareahasbecomeirritating.“Thisisdifferent,”heassertswithoutexplaininghoworinwhatway.Whenheistoldthatpeopleshouldbefreetobuythebestproductavailableforthemoney, he answers righteously and irrelevantly, “Capitalism must betemperedbyconcernforthecommongood.”Whenheischallengedwiththeobservation thathebuysforeigngoodswhen theyaresuperior todomestic,heanswers,“Don’tIhavetherighttogetthebestformymoney?”Whenheisinvitedtogivethecommencementaddressattheuniversityfromwhichhegraduated,hechoosesashistheme“LivingwithIntegrity.”

APersonalExample I have said that moral decisions are not always easy and that sometimes,rightly or wrongly, we experience our choices as agonizingly complex anddifficult.

Many years ago I wasmarried to awoman Iwas very attached to but nolonger loved; my romance with Ayn Rand was fading but not “officially”terminated. Both relationships were painfully unresolved when I met and fellpassionately in love with a third woman I would later marry: Patrecia, whowoulddieat theageof thirty-seven.Fora long timemymindwasachaosofconflicting loyalties,andIhandled thingsverybadly. Ididnot tell the truth tomywifeortoAynassoonasIcouldhave—nevermindthereasons.“Reasons”donotalterfacts.

Liesdonotwork.

Itwas a long road, but at its endwas painfully acquired knowledge I had

possessed at the beginning—that the truth had to be told and that byprocrastinatinganddelayingImerelymadetheconsequencesforeveryonemoreterrible. I succeeded in protecting no one, least of all myself. If part of mymotive was to spare people I cared about, I inflicted a worse pain than theywouldotherwisehaveexperienced.Ifpartofmymotivewastoprotectmyself-esteemby avoiding a conflict amongmyvalues and loyalties, itwasmy self-esteemthatIdamaged.Liesdonotwork.

SentenceCompletionstoFacilitatethePracticeofIntegrity

Ifweexamineourlives,wemaynoticethatourpracticeofintegrityexhibitsinconsistencies.Thereareareaswherewepractice itmoreandareaswherewepractice it less. Rather than evade this fact, it is useful to explore it. It isworthwhile to consider:What stands in theway ofmy practicing integrity ineveryareaofmylife?WhatwouldhappenifIlivedmyvaluesconsistently?

Herearesentencestemsthatcanaidtheprocessofexploration:Integritytomemeans—IfIthinkabouttheareaswhereIfinditdifficulttopracticefullintegrity

— If Ibringahigher level of consciousness to theareaswhere I find it

difficulttopracticefullintegrity—IfIbring5percentmoreintegrityintomylife—IfIbring5percentmoreintegritytomywork—IfIbring5percentmoreintegritytomyrelationships—IfIremainloyaltothevaluesItrulybelieveareright—IfIrefusetolivebyvaluesIdonotrespect—IfItreatmyself-esteemasahighpriority—

Asuggestion:Workwiththefirstfourofthesestemsforthefirstweek,andthe second four the followingweek.On theweekendsworkwith the stem: IfanyofwhatIamwritingistrue,itmightbehelpfulifI—.Ifyouchoosetobring a high level of awareness to what you produce, youmay discover thatlivingwithgreaterintegrityhasbecomemorerealizable.

APracticalApplication “Do you think padding my expense account is really so awful?” a clientaskedme.“Everyonedoesit.”

“Iimagine,”Isaidtohim,“thatsomethingaboutitmustdisturbyouoryouwouldn’thavebroughtitup.”

“I’ve been doing these stems, ‘If I bring 5 percentmore integrity intomylife,’andtheotherdaywhenIbegantofilloutmyexpensesheetwithpaddeditems,Idon’tknow,itdidn’tfeelcomfortable,itfeltwrong.”

“Lyinggaveyouabadfeeling,”Iremarked.“Yes, so I filled it out truthfully, and then, later, I wondered if I wasn’t a

sucker.”“Youwondered,whybeconcernedwithmy integrity ifotherpeoplearen’t

concernedwiththeirs?”“Hell, no, if I’d thought about it like that, I’d—”He broke off and stared

thoughtfullyintospace.“What?”“Whatyoujustsaidiswhatitallreallycomesto,doesn’tit?”“Andifso,thequestionthatnaturallyarisesis:DoItakeapollonwhatI’ll

callacceptablebehavior?”“ButIthinklyingaboutmyexpensesiswrong!”hesaid,almostperplexed.“So,then,what’sthequestion…?”

“WhenIdosomethingIthinkiswrong,itleaves,youknow,abadtaste.”“Iwonderwhatpolicyyou’lladoptforthefuture.”“IfeelcleanerwhenI’mhonest.”“So you’re saying, from the perspective of self-esteem, honesty is the best

policy?”“That’swhatit’slookinglike.”“Ithinkthat’safairlyimportantobservation.”

KeepingYourIntegrityinaCorruptWorld In a world where we regard ourselves and are regarded by others asaccountableforouractions,thepracticeofintegrityisrelativelyeasierthaninaworld where the principle of personal accountability is absent. A culture ofaccountabilitytendstosupportourmoralaspirations.

Thechallengeforpeopletoday,anditisnotaneasyone,istomaintainhighpersonalstandardswhilefeelingthatoneislivinginamoralsewer.

Ifwe live in a societywherebusiness associates, corporateheads, political

figures,religiousleaders,andotherpublicpersonalitiesholdthemselvestohighstandards of morality, it is relatively easier for an average person to practiceintegrity than in a society where corruption, cynicism, and amorality are thenorm.Inthelatterkindofsociety, theindividualis likelytofeel that thequestforpersonalintegrityisfutileandunrealistic—unlessheorsheisextraordinarilyindependentandautonomous.

Thechallengeforpeopletoday,anditisnotaneasyone,istomaintainhighpersonalstandardswhilefeelingthatoneislivinginamoralsewer.Groundsforsuchafeelingaretobefoundinthebehaviorofourpublicfigures,thehorrorofworld events, and in our so-called art and entertainment, so much of whichcelebratesdepravity,cruelty,andmindlessviolence.Allcontributetomakingthepracticeofpersonalintegrityalonelyandheroicundertaking.

Ifintegrityisasourceofself-esteem,thenitisalso,andnevermoresothantoday,anexpressionofself-esteem.

ThePrincipalofReciprocalCausation

Indeed, this leadstoanimportantquestion.Aboutallsixpillars itmightbeasked, “To practice them, does one not need already to possess self-esteem?Howthencantheybethefoundationofself-esteem?”

In answering, I must introduce what I call the principle of reciprocalcausation.BythisImeanthatbehaviorsthatgenerategoodself-esteemarealsoexpressionsofgoodself-esteem.Livingconsciouslyisbothacauseandaneffectofself-efficacyandself-respect.Andsoisself-acceptance,self-responsibility,alltheotherpracticesIdescribe.

ThemoreIliveconsciously,themoreItrustmymindandrespectmyworth;andifItrustmymindandrespectmyworth,itfeelsnaturaltoliveconsciously.ThemoreIlivewithintegrity,themoreIenjoygoodself-esteem;andifIenjoygoodself-esteem,itfeelsnaturaltolivewithintegrity.

Anothernoteworthyaspectofthedynamicsinvolvedhereisthatthepracticeofthesevirtuesovertimetendstogenerateafeltneedforthem.IfIhabituallyoperateatahighlevelofconsciousness,unclarityandfoginmyawarenesswillmakemeuncomfortable:Iwillusuallyexperienceadrivetodispelthedarkness.IfIhavemadeself-responsibilitysecondnature,passivityanddependencywillbeoneroustome.Iwillexperienceinternalpressuretoreassertthecontrolovermy existence possible only with autonomy. If I have been consistent in myintegrity, Iwill experiencedishonestyonmypart asdisturbingandwill feel athrusttoresolvethedissonanceandrestoretheinnersenseofmoralcleanliness.

Onceweunderstand the practices I have described,we have the power (atleasttosomeextent)tochoosethem.Thepowertochoosethemisthepowertoraise the levelofourself-esteem,fromwhateverpointwemaybestartingandhoweverdifficulttheprojectmaybeintheearlystages.

Ananalogy tophysicalexercisemaybehelpful. Ifweare inpoorphysicalcondition, exercise is typically difficult; as our condition improves, exercisebecomes easier and more enjoyable. We begin where we are—and build ourstrengthfromthere.Raisingself-esteemfollowsthesameprinciple.

These practices are ideals to guide us. And—this can hardly beoveremphasized—they do not have to be lived “perfectly” 100 percent of thetime in order to have a beneficent impact on our lives. Small improvementsmakeadifference.

Itmightstrikethereader,reflectingonthislistofself-esteempractices,thatthey soundverymuch like a codeof ethics—orpart of one.That is true.Thevirtuesthatself-esteemasksofusarealsoonesthatlifeasksofus.

Thepracticeofpersonalintegrityisthesixthpillarofself-esteem.

12

ThePhilosophyofSelf-Esteem

Totheextentthatthesixpracticesareintegratedintoourdailylife,self-esteemis supported and strengthened. To the extent that they are not, self-esteem isunderminedandsubverted.ThisisthecentralthesisofPartIIthusfar.Butwhatofanindividual’sbeliefs,premises,ideas?Isitonlypracticesthatmatterordoconvictionsalsoplayaroleinsupportingself-esteem?

The answer is that convictions are important because they give rise toemotionsandactions(practices).Theyareacrucialfactorinthedevelopmentofanindividual’sself-esteem.Whatpeoplethink,whattheybelieve,whattheytellthemselves,influenceswhattheyfeelandwhattheydo.Inturn,theyexperiencewhattheyfeelanddoashavingmeaningforwhotheyare.

PartIIbeganwithachapterentitled“TheFocusonAction.”Actionhasthelastword,inthatnolivingvaluecanbeachievedorsustainedwithoutit.Beliefsin avacuum,beliefsdivorced fromaction,meannothing.But sincebeliefsdoaffectactions,sincebeliefshaveactionimplications,weneedtoexaminethemintheirownright.

Therearebeliefs that lead toward thepractices Ihavebeendescribing,andthere are beliefs that lead away from them.When I speak of “beliefs” in thiscontext,Imeanconvictionsdeeplygroundedinourbeing.Idonotmeannotionstowhichwepaylipserviceorideaswetellourselvesinthehopetheywillsparkdesiredmotivation.Imeanpremisesthathavethepowertoevokeemotionandtostimulateandguidebehavior.

Wearenotalwaysfullyconsciousofourbeliefs.Theymaynotexistinourmindsasexplicitpropositions.Theymaybesoimplicitinourthinkingthatwearehardlyawareofthemornotawareofthematall.Yettheyclearlyliebehindouractions.

We can think of these ideas as “the philosophy of self-esteem”—a set ofinterrelatedpremisesthatinspirebehaviorsleadingtoastrongsenseofefficacy

andworth.Wecanalsoseeinthemanexplication,inoutlineform,ofthebasicphilosophydrivingthisbook.

Iplacebeliefsthathaveabearingonself-esteemintotwocategories:beliefsaboutselfandbeliefsaboutreality.Ineachcasetherelevanceoftheideatoself-esteemisobvious.

BeliefsAbouttheSelfThatSupportSelf-Esteem

General

Ihavearighttoexist.Iamofhighvaluetomyself.Ihavearighttohonormyneedsandwants,totreatthemasimportant.I am not here on earth to live up to someone else’s expectations; my life

belongstome.(Andthisisequallytrueofeveryotherhumanbeing.Eachpersonis the owner of his or her life; no one is here on earth to live up to myexpectations.) I do not regard myself as anyone else’s property and I do notregardanyoneelseasmyproperty.

Iamlovable.Iamadmirable.IwillusuallybelikedandrespectedbythepeopleIlikeandrespect.I should dealwith others fairly and justly and others should dealwithme

fairlyandjustly.Ideservetobetreatedcourteouslyandwithrespectbyeveryone.Ifpeopletreatmediscourteouslyordisrespectfully,itisareflectiononthem,

notonme.ItisonlyareflectiononmeifIaccepttheirtreatmentofmeasright.IfsomeoneIlikedoesnotreturnmyfeeling,itmaybedisappointingoreven

painful,butitisnotareflectiononmypersonalworth.NootherindividualorgrouphasthepowertodeterminehowIwillthinkand

feelaboutmyself.Itrustmymind.IseewhatIseeandknowwhatIknow.Iambetterservedbyknowingwhatistruethanbymakingmyself“right”at

theexpenseofthefacts.IfIpersevere,IcanunderstandthethingsIneedtounderstand.

NootherindividualorgrouphasthepowertodeterminehowIwillthinkandfeelaboutmyself.

IfIpersevere,andifmygoalsarerealistic,Iamcompetenttoachievethem.Iamcompetenttocopewiththebasicchallengesoflife.Iamworthyofhappiness.I am“enough.” (Thisdoesnotmean that Ihavenothingmore to learnand

nowhere further to grow; it means that I have the right to primary self-

acceptance,asdiscussedearlier.)Iamabletoriseagainfromdefeat.Ihavearighttomakemistakes;thatisoneofthewaysIlearn.Mistakesare

notgroundsforself-damnation.Idonotsacrificemyjudgment,donotpretendmyconvictionsaredifferent

thantheyare,towinpopularityorapproval.Itisnotwhat“they”think;itiswhatIknow.WhatIknowismoreimportant

tomethanamistakenbeliefinsomeoneelse’smind.NoonehastherighttoforceonmeideasandvaluesIdonotaccept,justasI

donothavetherighttoforcemyideasandvaluesonothers.Ifmygoalsarerational,IdeservetosucceedatwhatIattempt.Happiness and success are natural conditions to me—like health—not

temporaryaberrationsof the realorderof things; aswithdisease, it isdisasterthatistheaberration.

Self-developmentandself-fulfillmentareappropriatemoralgoals.Myhappinessandself-realizationarenoblepurposes.

LivingConsciously

ThemoreconsciousIamofthatwhichbearsonmyinterests,values,needs,andgoals,thebettermylifewillwork.

Itisjoyfultoexercisemymind.Iambetterservedbycorrectingmymistakesthanbypretendingtheydonot

exist.I ambetter servedbyholdingmyvaluesconsciously thanunconsciously—

andby examining them rather than by holding them uncritically as not-to-be-questioned“axioms.”

Ineedtobeonthelookoutfortemptationstoevadeunpleasantfacts;Ineedtomanagemyavoidanceimpulsesandnotberuledbythem.

If I understand the wider context in which I live and act, I will be moreeffective; it isworthmywhile to seek to understandmy environment and thewiderworldaroundme.

Toremaineffective,Ineedtokeepexpandingmyknowledge;learningneedstobeawayoflife.

ThebetterIknowandunderstandmyself,thebetterthelifeIcancreate.Self-examinationisanimperativeofafulfilledexistence.

Self-Acceptance

Atthemostfundamentallevel,Iamformyself.Atthemostfundamentallevel,Iacceptmyself.I accept the reality ofmy thoughts, evenwhen I cannot endorse them and

wouldnotchoosetoactonthem;Idonotdenyordisownthem.Icanacceptmyfeelingsandemotionswithoutnecessarilyliking,approving

of,orbeingcontrolledbythem;Idonotdenyordisownthem.I can accept that I have done what I have done, even when I regret or

condemnit.Idonotdenyordisownmybehavior.IacceptthatwhatIthink,feel,ordoisanexpressionofmyself,atleastinthe

moment it occurs. I am not bound by thoughts, feelings, or actions I cannotsanction,butneitherdoIevadetheirrealityorpretendtheyarenotmine.

I accept the reality of my problems, but I am not defined by them. Myproblemsarenotmyessence.Myfear,pain,confusion,ormistakesarenotmycore.

Atthemostfundamentallevel,Iamformyself.

Self-Responsibility

Iamresponsibleformyexistence.Iamresponsiblefortheachievementofmydesires.Iamresponsibleformychoicesandactions.IamresponsibleforthelevelofconsciousnessIbringtomyworkandother

activities.IamresponsibleforthelevelofconsciousnessIbringtomyrelationships.Iamresponsibleformybehaviorwithotherpeople—co-workers,associates,

customers,spouse,children,friends.IamresponsibleforhowIprioritizemytime.Iamresponsibleforthequalityofmycommunications.Iamresponsibleformypersonalhappiness.IamresponsibleforchoosingoracceptingthevaluesbywhichIlive.I am responsible for raisingmy self-esteem; noone else cangiveme self-

esteem.Intheultimatesense,Iacceptmyaloneness.Thatis,Iacceptthatnooneis

comingtomakemyliferight,orsaveme,orredeemmychildhood,orrescuemefromtheconsequencesofmychoicesandactions.Inspecificissues,peoplemayhelpme,butnoonecantakeoverprimaryresponsibilityformyexistence.Justasnooneelse canbreathe forme,nooneelse can takeover anyofmyotherbasic life functions, such as earning the experience of self-efficacy and self-respect.

Theneedforself-responsibilityisnatural;Idonotviewitasatragedy.

Self-Assertiveness

Ingeneral,itisappropriateformetoexpressmythoughts,convictions,andfeelings,unlessIaminacontextwhereIjudgeitobjectivelydesirablenotto.

Ihavearighttoexpressmyselfinappropriatewaysinappropriatecontexts.Ihavearighttostandupformyconvictions.Ihavearighttotreatmyvaluesandfeelingsasimportant.ItservesmyinterestsforotherstoseeandknowwhoIam.

LivingPurposefully

OnlyIproperlycanchoosethegoalsandpurposesforwhichIlive.Nooneelsecanappropriatelydesignmyexistence.

IfIamtosucceed,Ineedtolearnhowtoachievemygoalsandpurposes.Ineedtodevelopandthenimplementaplanofaction.

IfIamtosucceed,Ineedtopayattentiontotheoutcomeofmyactions.Iservemyinterestsbyahighdegreeofrealitychecking—thatis,lookingfor

informationandfeedbackthatbearsonmybeliefs,actions,andpurposes.I must practice self-discipline not as a “sacrifice” but as a natural

preconditionofbeingabletoachievemydesires.

PersonalIntegrity

IshouldpracticewhatIpreach.Ishouldkeepmypromises.Ishouldhonormycommitments.I should deal with other human beings fairly, justly, benevolently, and

compassionately.Ishouldstriveformoralconsistency.

Myself-esteemismorevaluablethananyshort-termrewardsforitsbetrayal.

Ishouldstrivetomakemylifeareflectionofmyinnervisionofthegood.Myself-esteemismorevaluablethananyshort-termrewardsforitsbetrayal.

BeliefsAboutRealityThatSupportSelf-Esteem Thatwhichis,is;afactisafact.

Self-chosenblindnessdoesnotmaketheunrealrealortherealunreal.Respect for the facts of reality (as best I understand them) yields more

satisfyingresultsthandefianceofthefactsofreality.Survivalandwell-beingdependontheappropriateexerciseofconsciousness.

Avoidanceoftheresponsibilityofawarenessisnotadaptive.In principle, consciousness is reliable; knowledge is attainable; reality is

knowable.Valuesthatnurtureandsupporttheindividual’slifeandfulfillmentonearth

aresuperiortovaluesthatendangerorthreatenthem.Humanbeingsareendsinthemselves,notmeanstotheendsofothers,and

oughttobetreatedassuch.Anindividualhumanbeingbelongsneithertofamilynorcommunitynorchurchnorstatenorsocietynortheworld.Ahumanbeingisnotproperty.

Alladulthumanassociationsshouldbechosenandvoluntary.Weshouldnotsacrificeselftoothersnorotherstoself;weshoulddiscardthe

ideaofhumansacrificeasamoralideal.Relationshipsbasedonanexchangeofvaluesaresuperiortothosebasedon

thesacrificeofanyonetoanyone.

Aworldinwhichweregardourselvesandoneanotherasaccountableforourchoices and actions works better than a world in which we deny suchaccountability.

Adenialofpersonalaccountabilitydoesnotserveanyone’sself-esteem,leastofallthepersondoingthedenying.

Themoral,rationallyunderstood,isthepractical.

Commentary Tosayofanyoftheseideas,“Iagreewiththat,”doesnotyetindicatethatitisintegraltothespeaker’sbeliefsystem.AsIstatedabove,theideasqualifyasbeliefs in the sensemeant hereonly if they are experienced as true at a fairlydeeplevelandaremanifestinbehavior.

Thislistofbeliefsisnotofferedasexhaustive.Probablythereareothersthatbear equally on the health of self-esteem.What I have named are those I amawareof thatmostclearlysupport thesixpractices.Totheextent that theyaregenuinelyexperienced,theytendtoinspireconsciousness,self-acceptance,self-responsibility,self-assertiveness,purposefulness,andintegrity.

I trust it isobvious that I regard thesebeliefsas rationallywarranted.Theyarenotmerearbitrary“postulates.”ButsinceIamnotpreparedinthiscontexttooffer a rigorous defense of each of them, I will simply observe that they arepowerful motivators for the kind of actions that support psychological well-being. Looked at from the perspective of the six pillars, they clearly havefunctionalutility.Theyareadaptive;theyarethefuelofself-esteem.

AStandardofValue Justas thesixpillarsprovidesa frameof referencefromwhich toconsiderbeliefs,sotheyprovideastandardbywhichtoconsiderchild-rearingpractices,educationalpractices,thepoliciesoforganizations,thevaluesystemsofdifferentcultures, and the activities of psychotherapists. In each contextwe can ask: Isthispractice,policy,value,orteachingonethatsupportsandencouragesthesixpillars or one that discourages andundermines them? Is itmore likely to leadtowardincreasedself-esteemorawayfromit?

Idonotwishtoimplythatself-esteemistheonlycriterionbywhichissuesshouldbe judged.But if thenurturingof self-esteem isourpurpose, then it isappropriatetoknowhowself-esteemislikelytobeaffectedbydifferentpoliciesandteachings.

Thepracticesandbeliefswehavediscussedpertainto“internal”factorsthatbear on self-esteem; that is, they exist or are generated from within theindividual.Wewill turn now to an examination of “external” factors, that is,factorsoriginatingintheenvironment.

What is the role and contribution of other people? What is the potentialimpact of parents, teachers, managers, psychotherapists—and the culture inwhichonelives?ThesearethequestionsIwilladdressinPartIII.

PARTIII

ExternalInfluences:SelfandOthers

13

NurturingaChild’sSelf-Esteem

The proper aim of parental nurturing is to prepare a child for independentsurvivalasanadult.Aninfantbeginsinaconditionoftotaldependency.Ifhisorherupbringingissuccessful,theyoungmanorwomanwillhaveevolvedoutofthatdependencyintoaself-respectingandself-responsiblehumanbeingwhoisabletorespondtothechallengesoflifecompetentlyandenthusiastically.Heorshe will be “self-supporting”—not merely financially, but intellectually andpsychologically.

Anewborninfantdoesnotyethaveasenseofpersonalidentity;thereisnoawarenessofseparateness,not,atanyrate,aswewhoareadultsexperiencesuchawareness. To evolve into selfhood is the primary human task. It is also theprimaryhumanchallenge,becausesuccessisnotguaranteed.Atanystepoftheway, theprocesscanbe interrupted, frustrated,blocked,orsidetracked, so thatthehumanindividualisfragmented,split,alienated,stuckatoneleveloranotherofmentaloremotionalmaturity.Itisnotdifficulttoobservethatmostpeoplearestrandedsomewherealongthispathofdevelopment.Nonetheless,asIdiscussinHonoring the Self, the central goal of the maturational process is evolutiontowardautonomy.

Itisanoldandexcellentadagethateffectiveparentingconsistsfirstofgivingachildroots(togrow)andthenwings(tofly).Thesecurityofafirmbase—andtheself-confidenceoneday to leave it.Childrendonotgrowup inavacuum.They grow up in a social context. Indeed, much of the drama of unfoldingindividuation and autonomy occurs and can only occur in and throughencounterswithotherhumanbeings.Inthefirstencountersofchildhood,achildcanexperiencethesafetyandsecuritythatallowsaselftoemerge—ortheterrorand instability that fractures the self before it is fully formed. In subsequentencounters,achildcanexperiencebeingacceptedandrespectedorrejectedanddemeaned. A child can experience the appropriate balance of protection and

freedom or (1) the overprotectiveness that infantilizes or (2) theunderprotectivenessthatdemandsof thechildresourcesthatmaynotyetexist.Suchexperiences,aswellasotherswewilldiscuss,contributetothekindofselfandself-esteemthatdevelopsovertime.

Toevolveintoselfhoodistheprimaryhumantask.Itisalsotheprimaryhumanchallenge,becausesuccessisnotguaranteed.

TheAntecedentsofSelf-Esteem Someofthebestworkthatpsychologistshavedoneconcerningself-esteemhas been in the area of child-parent relations. An example is StanleyCoopersmith’s landmark study,TheAntecedents of Self-Esteem.Coopersmith’sgoal was to identify the parental behaviors most often found where childrengrew up manifesting healthy self-esteem. I want to distill the essence of hisreport,asaprologuetothediscussionthatfollows.

Coopersmith discovered no significant correlations with such factors asfamily wealth, education, geographic living area, social class, Father’soccupation,oralwayshavingMotherathome.Whathedidfindtobesignificantwasthequalityoftherelationshipbetweenthechildandtheimportantadultsinhisorherlife.

Specifically, he found five conditions associated with high self-esteem inchildren:

1.Thechildexperiencestotalacceptanceofthoughts,feelings,andthevalueofhisorherperson.

2.Thechildoperatesinacontextofclearlydefinedandenforcedlimitsthatare fair, nonoppressive, and negotiable. The child is not given unrestricted“freedom.”Consequently, the child experiences a sense of security; there is aclearbasisforevaluatinghisorherbehavior.Further,thelimitsgenerallyentailhighstandards, aswell asconfidence that thechildwillbeable tomeet them.Consequently,thechildusuallydoes.

3.Thechildexperiencesrespectforhisorherdignityasahumanbeing.Theparentsdonotuseviolenceorhumiliationorridiculetocontrolandmanipulate.Theparentstakethechild’sneedsandwishesseriously,whetherornottheycanaccede to them in a particular instance. The parents are willing to negotiate

family rules within carefully drawn limits. In other words, authority, but notauthoritarianism,isoperating.

Asanexpressionofthisoverallattitude,parentsarelessinclinedtopunitivediscipline (and there tends to be less need for punitive discipline), and moreinclined to put the emphasis on rewarding and reinforcing positive behavior.Theyfocusonwhattheydowantratherthanonwhattheydonotwant—onthepositiveratherthanthenegative.

Theparentsshowan interest in thechild, inhisorhersocialandacademiclife,andtheyaregenerallyavailablefordiscussionwhenandasthechildwantsit.

4. The parents uphold high standards and high expectations in terms ofbehaviorandperformance.Theirattitudeisnot“anythinggoes.”Theyhavebothmoralandperformanceexpectationsthattheyconveyinarespectful,benevolent,andnonoppressivemanner;thechildischallengedtobethebestheorshecanbe.

5. The parents themselves tend to enjoy a high level of self-esteem. Theymodel(whatIcall)self-efficacyandself-respect.Thechildseeslivingexamplesof that which he or she needs to learn. After carefully explaining suchantecedentsofself-esteemashisresearchcouldreveal,Coopersmithgoesontoobserve:“Weshouldnotethattherearevirtuallynoparentalpatternsofbehaviororparental attitudes that arecommon toallparentsofchildrenwithhighself-esteem.”

Thislastobservationunderscoresourawarenessthatparentalbehavioralonedoesnotdecide thecourseofachild’spsychologicaldevelopment.Apart fromthefactthatsometimesthemostimportantinfluenceinachild’slifeisateacher,oragrandparent,oraneighbor,externalfactorsareonlypartofthestory,neverthewhole,as Ihavestressedrepeatedly.Wearecauses,notmerelyeffects.Asbeingswhoseconsciousnessisvolitional,beginninginchildhoodandcontinuingthroughout our life we make choices that have consequences for the kind ofpersonwebecomeandthelevelofself-esteemweattain.

Tosaythatparentscanmakeiteasierorharderforachildtodevelophealthyself-esteemistosaythatparentscanmakeiteasierorharderforayoungpersontolearnthesixpracticesandmakethemanaturalandintegralpartofhisorherlife. The six practices provide a standard for assessing parental policies: Dothese policies encourage or discourage consciousness, self-acceptance, self-responsibility,self-assertiveness,purposefulness,andintegrity?Dotheyraiseorlowertheprobabilitythatachildwilllearnself-esteem-supportingbehaviors?

BasicSafetyandSecurity Beginninglifeinaconditionoftotaldependency,achildhasnomorebasicrequirement—asfarasparentalbehavior isconcerned—than thatofsafetyandsecurity.Thisentailsthesatisfactionofphysiologicalneeds,protectionfromtheelements,andbasiccaretakinginallitsobviousaspects.Itentailsthecreationofanenvironmentinwhichthechildcanfeelnurturedandsafe.

Inthiscontexttheprocessofseparationandindividuationcanunfold.Amindthatcanlaterlearntotrustitselfcanbegintoemerge.Apersonwithaconfidentsenseofboundariescandevelop.

If the child is to learn to trust other human beings, and, in effect, to findconfidencethatlifeisnotmalevolent,thefoundationislaidatthislevel.

Ofcourse, theneedforsafetyandsecurity isnot limitedto theearlyyears.The self is still forming during adolescence, and a home life of chaos andanxietycanplacesevereobstaclesinthepathofnormalteenagedevelopment.

In my work with adults I often see the long-term effects of one form oftrauma associated with the frustration of this need—a child’s repeatedexperience of terror at the hands of adults. Certain therapy clients convey aqualityoffearoranxietythatseemstoreachbacktothefirstmonthsoflifeandtoinvadethedeepeststructureofthepsyche.Suchclientsaredistinguishednotonlyby the intensityof their anxiety,norby itspervasiveness,butby the factthatonesensesthatthepersonexperiencingtheanxietyisnottheadultbutratherachildorevenaninfantinsidethatadult’sbody—or,moreprecisely,insidetheadult’spsyche.Theseclientsreportthattheyhavehadfeelingsofbasicterrorasfarbackastheycanremember.

Setting aside the possibility of birth trauma, there are two factors to beconsidered here. The first is the objective circumstances of their environmentand the treatment they received as children. The second is the question of aninnate disposition to experience anxiety: some individuals’ threshold is almostcertainly lower than others, so that what is not traumatic for one child is foranother.

The terrormight be of a physically violent father, amoody, unpredictable,emotionallydisturbedmother,amenacingfamilymemberwhosescowlconjuresupimagesofunimaginabletorture—aterrorfromwhichthereisnoescapeandthatplungesthechildintounbearablefeelingsofhelplessness.

Thegreaterachild’sterror,andtheearlieritisexperienced,theharderthetaskofbuildingastrongandhealthysenseofself.

Anurseof thirty-eight,Soniawould involuntarily flinch if I inadvertentlyraisedmyvoiceslightly,especiallywhile shifting inmychair.Sheclaimedthatherearliestmemorieswereofhermotherandfatherscreamingateachotherwhileshelayinhercribwithherowncriesignored.Hersensethattheworld is a hostile and dangerous place was almost cellular. She wasmotivated by fear in almost all of her choices and actions, with negativeconsequences forherself-esteem. I suspected that shecame into thisworldwith a greater-than-average disposition to experience anxiety, madeimmeasurablyworseby twoparentsunder theswayof the irrationalwithinthemselves.

A thirty-four-year-old professor of philosophy, Edgar said his earliestmemories were of being forced to stand on the bed while his father—adistinguishedandrespectedphysicianinhiscommunity—beathimviolentlywith a strap. “My cries could never make him stop. It was as if he wereinsane.HecoulddestroymeandtherewasnothingIcoulddo.Thatfeelinghasneverleftme.I’mthirty-fouryearsoldandIstillfeelthatinthefaceofany kind of danger I have nomeans of defendingmyself. I’m afraid. I’vealwaysbeenafraid.Ican’timaginewhoIwouldbewithoutmyfear.”

Thegreater a child’s terror, and theearlier it is experienced, theharder the

taskofbuildingastrongandhealthysenseofself.Tolearnthesixpracticesonthe foundation of an all-consuming sense of powerlessness—traumaticpowerlessness—isverydifficult. It is against thisdestructive feeling thatgoodparentingaimstoprotectachild.

NurturingThroughTouch Todayweknowthattouchisessentialforachild’shealthydevelopment.Initsabsence,childrencandie,evenwhenotherneedsaremet.

Through touchwe send sensory stimulation that helps the infant’s brain todevelop. Through touch we convey love, caring, comfort, support, nurturing.Through touch we establish contact between one human being and another.Researchshowsthattouch—suchasmassage—canprofoundlyaffecthealth.Atsome level this isoftenknown intuitivelybecause innon-Westernpartsof theworldthemassagingofbabiesisstandardpractice.IntheWestitisnot,andonereasonthathasbeensuggestedisthebiasagainstthebodyfoundinChristianity.

One of themost powerfulways parents can convey love is through touch.Long before a child can understand words, he or she understands touch.Declarationsoflovewithouttouchareunconvincingandhollow.Ourbodiescryoutfortherealityofthephysical.Wewanttoexperiencethatourpersonisloved—valued—embraced—notsomedisembodiedabstraction.

Longbeforeachildcanunderstandwords,heorsheunderstandstouch.

Childrenwhogrowupwithlittleexperienceofbeingtouchedoftencarryan

achedeepwithinthemthatneverentirelyvanishes.Thereisaholeintheirself-regard.“WhycouldIneversitonmyfather’sknee?”clientswillsay.“WhydidMother convey such reticence—even disgust—about physical touch?” Theunspokensentenceis,“Whydidtheynotlovemeenoughtowanttoholdme?”Andsometimes,“Ifmyownparentsdidn’twanttotouchme,howcanIexpectanyoneelsetowantto?”

The pain of this childhood deprivation is difficult to bear. Usually it isrepressed. Consciousness contracts and psychic numbing is evoked—as asurvivalstrategy,tomakeexistencetolerable.Self-awarenessisavoided.Thisisoftenthestartofapatternthatlastsalifetime.

Dependingonotherpsychologicalfactors,wecanseetwodifferentresponsesto touch deprivation later in life.On one level they appear opposite, yet bothexpressalienationandbothareharmfultoself-esteem.Ontheonehandwemaysee in an adult an avoidance of intimate contact with other human beings, awithdrawal from human encounters, expressing feelings of fear andunworthiness;afailureofself-assertiveness,amongotherthings.Orwemayseecompulsivesexualpromiscuity,anunconsciousefforttohealthewoundoftouchstarvation,butinawaythathumiliateswithoutresolving,andpersonalintegrityand self-respect are two of the casualties.Both responses leave the individualisolatedfromauthentichumancontact.

Love A child who is treated with love tends to internalize the feeling and toexperience him-or herself as lovable. Love is conveyed by verbal expression,nurturing actions, and the joy and pleasure we show in the sheer fact of thechild’sbeing.

An effective parent can convey anger or disappointment without signalingwithdrawaloflove.Aneffectiveparentcanteachwithoutresortingtorejection.Thevalueofthechildasahumanbeingisnotontrial.

Loveisnotfelttoberealwhenitisalwaystiedtoperformance,tiedtolivinguptoMother’sorFather’sexpectations,andiswithdrawnfromtimetotimeasameans of manipulating obedience and conformity. Love is not felt to be realwhenthechildreceivessubtleorunsubtlemessagestotheeffect,“Youarenotenough.”

Unfortunately,manyofusreceivedsuchmessages.Youmayhavepotential,butyouareunacceptableasyouare.Youneedtobefixed.Onedayyoumaybeenough,butnotnow.Youwillbeenoughonlyifyoufulfillourexpectations.

“Iamenough”doesnotmean“Ihavenothingtolearnandnowheretogrowto.”Itmeans“IacceptmyselfasavalueasIam.”Wecannotbuildself-esteemon a foundation of “I am not enough.” To convey to a child “You are notenough”istosubvertself-esteematthecore.Nochildfeelslovedwhoreceivessuchmessages.

Acceptance A child whose thoughts and feelings are treated with acceptance tends tointernalize the response and to learn self-acceptance.Acceptance is conveyed,not by agreement (which is not always possible) but by listening to andacknowledgingthechild’sthoughtsandfeelings,andbynotchastising,arguing,lecturing,psychologizing,orinsulting.

If a child is repeatedly told thatheor shemustnot feel this,mustnot feelthat,thechildisencouragedtodenyanddisownfeelingsoremotionsinordertopleaseorplacateparents.Ifnormalexpressionsofexcitement,anger,happiness,sexuality, longing, and fear are treated as unacceptable or wrong or sinful orotherwisedistastefultoparents,thechildmaydisownandrejectmoreandmoreoftheselftobelong,tobeloved,toavoidtheterrorofabandonment.Wedonotserveachild’sdevelopmentbymakingself-repudiationthepriceofourlove.

Fewattitudesofparentscanbesohelpfulforthechild’shealthydevelopmentas the child’s experience that his or her nature, temperament, interests, andaspirationsareaccepted—whetherornotparentssharethem.Itisunrealisticintheextremetoimaginethatparentswillenjoyorbecomfortablewithachild’severyactofself-expression.Butacceptanceinthesensedescribedinthisbookdoesnotrequireenjoymentorcomfort—oragreement.

Wedonotserveachild’sdevelopmentbymakingself-repudiationthepriceofourlove.

Aparentmaybeathletic,achildmaynotbe—orthereverse.Aparentmay

beartistic,achildmaynotbe—orthereverse.Aparent’snaturalrhythmsmaybefast,achild’smaybeslow—orthereverse.Aparentmaybeorderly,achildmay be chaotic—or the reverse.A parentmay be extroverted, a childmay beintroverted—orthereverse.Aparentmaybevery“social,”achildmaybelessso—or the reverse.A parentmay be competitive, a childmay not be—or thereverse.Ifdifferencesareaccepted,self-esteemcangrow.

Respect Achildwhoreceivesrespectfromadultstendstolearnself-respect.Respectis conveyed by addressing a child with the courtesy one normally extends toadults. (As childpsychologistHaimGinott used toobserve, if a visitingguestaccidentally spills a drink, we do not say, “Oh, you’re so sloppy!What’s thematterwithyou?”Butthenwhydowethinksuchstatementsareappropriateforour children, who are much more important to us than the visitor? Surely itwouldbemoreappropriate to say to thechild something like, “You’ve spilledyourdrink.Willyougetsomepapertowelsfromthekitchen?”)

Irecallaclientoncesayingtome,“Myfathertalkstoanybusboywithmorecourtesy than he’s ever extended tome.” “Please” and “thank you” arewordsthatacknowledgedignity—thatofthespeakeraswellasthelistener.

Parentsneedtobeinformed:“Becarefulwhatyousaytoyourchildren.Theymayagreewithyou.”Beforecallingachild“stupid”or“clumsy”or“bad”or“adisappointment,” consider the question, “Is this how I want my child toexperiencehimorherself?”

Ifachildgrowsupinahomewhereeveryonedealswitheveryoneelsewithnatural,good-naturedcourtesy,heorshelearnsprinciplesthatapplybothtoselfandtoothers.Respectofselfandothersfeelslikethenormalorderofthings—which,properly,itis.

The fact that we love a child does not guarantee that respect will beautomatic.Lapsesof consciousnessare alwayspossible,nomatterhow lovingourfeelings.OncewhenmygranddaughterAshleywasfiveIwaswhirlingheraround,laughingwithher,andenjoyingmyselfsomuchthatIdidnotstopwhenshesaid,“Iwanttobeputdownnow,Grandpa.”ButIcaughtmyselfaninstant

later when she said solemnly, “Grandpa, you’re not listening to me.” “Sorry,sweetheart,”Ianswered,andobeyed.

Visibility Especially important for the nurturing of a child’s self-esteem is theexperience of what I have called psychological visibility. I wrote about thehuman need for visibility, as it applies to all human relationships, in ThePsychologyofRomanticLove.HereIwanttotouchonjustafewbasicsastheypertain toachild’s interactionswithparents.Butfirst,somegeneralcommentsaboutvisibility.

If I say or do something and you respond in a way that I perceive ascongruent in termsofmyownbehavior—if Ibecomeplayfulandyoubecomeplayfulinturn,orifIexpressjoyandyoushowunderstandingofmystate,orifIexpresssadnessandyouconveyempathy,orifIdosomethingIamproudofandyou smile in admiration—I feel seen andunderstoodbyyou. I feel visible. Incontrast,ifIsayordosomethingandyourespondinawaythatmakesnosensetome in termsofmyownbehavior—if Ibecomeplayfulandyoureactas if Iwerebeinghostile,orifIexpressjoyandyoudisplayimpatienceandtellmenottobesilly,or if Iexpresssadnessandyouaccusemeofpretending,or if IdosomethingIamproudofandyoureactwithcondemnation—Idonotfeelseenandunderstood,Ifeelinvisible.

TofeelvisibletoyouIdonotrequireyouragreementwithwhatIamsaying.Wemightbehavingaphilosophicalorpoliticaldiscussion,andwemightholddifferentviewpoints,butifweshowunderstandingofwhattheotherissaying,and if our responses are congruent in terms of that, we can continue to feelvisibletoeachotherandeven, inthemidstofarguing,behavingathoroughlygoodtime.

Whenwe feel visible,we feel that the other person and I are in the samereality,thesameuniverse,metaphoricallyspeaking.Whenwedon’t,itisasifwewere in different realities. But all satisfying human interactions requirecongruenceatthislevel;ifwedonotexperienceourselvesasinthesamereality,wecannotrelateinamutuallysatisfyingway.

The desire for visibility is the desire for a form of objectivity. I cannotperceivemyself,cannotperceivemyperson,“objectively,”onlyinternally,fromaperspectivethatisuniquelyprivate.Butifyourresponsesmakesenseintermsofmyinternalperceptions,youbecomeamirrorallowingmetheexperienceofobjectivity about my person. I see myself reflected in your (appropriate)

responses.Visibilityisamatterofdegree.Fromchildhoodon,wereceivefromhuman

beingssomemeasureofappropriatefeedback;withoutit,wecouldnotsurvive.Throughoutour life therewillbepeoplewhoseresponseswillallowus to feelsuperficiallyvisibleand, ifweare fortunate,a fewpeoplewithwhomwewillfeelvisibleinamoreprofoundway.

As an aside, let me say that it is in romantic love, at its best, thatpsychologicalvisibility tends tobemost fully realized.Someonewho lovesuspassionately is motivated to know and understand us to a greater depth thansomeonewithwhomourrelationshipismorecasual.Whatdoesoneoftenhearfrom peoplewho are in love? “He (she) understands me as I have never feltunderstoodbefore.”

Achildhasanaturaldesiretobeseen,heard,understood,andrespondedtoappropriately.Toaselfthatisstillforming,thisneedisparticularlyurgent.Thisis one of the reasons a childwill look to a parent for a response after havingtakensomeaction.Achildwhoexperienceshisorherexcitementasgood,asavalue, but is punished or rebuked for it by adults undergoes a bewilderingexperienceofinvisibilityanddisorientation.Achildwhoispraisedfor“alwaysbeing an angel” and knows this is not true also experiences invisibility anddisorientation.

Workingwith adults in psychotherapy, I see the frequencywithwhich thepain of invisibility in their home life as children is clearly central to theirdevelopmentalproblemsandtotheirinsecuritiesinadultrelationships.Thus:

IfIhadfeltvisibletomyparents—

Iwouldn’tfeelsoalienatedfrompeopletoday.Iwouldhavefeltlikeamemberofthehumanrace.Iwouldhavefeltsafe.Iwouldhavefeltvisibletomyself.Iwouldhavefeltloved.Iwouldhavefelttherewashope.Iwouldhavefeltlikeoneofthefamily.Iwouldhavefeltconnected.Iwouldbesane.Iwouldhavebeenhelpedtounderstandmyself.

IwouldhavefeltIhadahome.IwouldhavefeltIbelonged.

If a child says, unhappily, “I didn’t get the part in my school play,” andMother answers, empathically, “Thatmust hurt,” the child feels visible.Whatdoes a child feel ifMother answers sharply, “Do you think you’ll always getwhatyouwantinlife?”

Ifachildburstsintothehouse,fullofjoyandexcitement,andMothersays,smiling,“You’rehappytoday,”thechildfeelsvisible.WhatdoesachildfeelifMother screams, “Doyouhave tomake somuchnoise?You’re so selfishandinconsiderate!Whatisthematterwithyou?”

If a child struggles to build a tree house in the backyard, andFather says,admiringly, “Even though it’s hard, you’re sticking with it,” the child feelsvisible.What does a child feel ifFather says, impatiently, “God, can’t youdoanything?”

Ifachild isout forawalkwithFatherandcommentsonawidevarietyofthingsheseesalongtheway,andFathersays,“Youreallynoticealot,”thechildfeelsvisible.WhatdoesachildfeelifFathersays,irritably,“Don’tyoueverstoptalking?”

Whenweconveylove,appreciation,empathy,acceptance,respect,wemakeachildvisible.Whenweconveyindifference,scorn,condemnation,ridicule,wedrivethechild’sselfintothelonelyundergroundofinvisibility.

Psychologists and educators, reflecting on the childhood elements thatsupportself-esteem,oftenspeakofgivingthechildanappreciationofhisorheruniquenessandalsoofgiving thechildasenseofaffiliationorbelonging(thesenseofroots).Bothgoalsareachievedtotheextentthatthechildisgiventheexperienceofvisibility.

Whenweconveylove,appreciation,empathy,acceptance,respect,wemakeachildvisible.

Visibilityshouldnotbeequatedwithpraise.Watchingachildstrugglewitha

homework assignment and saying “Math seems hard for you” is not praise.Saying “You’re looking upset right now—want to talk?” is not praise. Saying“Youwishyoudidn’thavetogotothedentist”isnotpraise.Saying“Youreallyseemtoenjoychemistry”isnotpraise.Butsuchstatementsdoevokethesenseofbeingseenandunderstood.

Ifwearetoloveeffectively—whethertheobjectisourchild,ourmate,orafriend—the ability to provide the experience of visibility is essential. Thispresupposes the ability to see. And this presupposes the exercise ofconsciousness.

And in giving this to our child—visibility, consciousness—we model apracticethatheorshemaylearntoemulate.

Age-AppropriateNurturing Thatchildrenrequirenurturingisobvious.Whatissometimeslessobviousistheneedfornurturingtobeage-appropriateor,moreprecisely,appropriatetothechild’slevelofdevelopment.

Some forms of nurturing that are right for a three-month-old infantwouldclearlybeinfantalizingforasix-year-oldchild.Theinfantisdressedbyanadult;asix-year-oldproperlydresseshimorherself.Someformsofnurturingthatareright for a six-year-old would subvert growth toward autonomy in a sixteen-year-old.When a six-year-old asks a question, it can be nurturing to take thequestion seriously and answer it.When a teenager asks a question it may benurturing todrawouthis orherown thoughtson the subject or recommendabooktoreadoralibrarytogotoforresearch.

I recall a twenty-six-year-old woman who came to me in a state of crisisbecauseherhusbandhadleftherandshedidnotknowhowtoshopforherself.For the first nineteen years of life, hermother had purchased all her clothes;when shemarried at nineteen, her husband took over that responsibility—andnotonlyforclothingbutforallhouseholdgoods, includingfood.Emotionally,shefeltherselftobeachild,withachild’slevelofself-sufficiency.Thethoughtofhavingtomakeindependentchoicesanddecisions,evenabout thesimplest,mostmundanematters,terrifiedher.

Ifaparent’sgoalistosupportthechild’sindependence,oneofthewaysthisis achieved is to offer a child choices in keeping with the child’s level ofdevelopment. A mother may not think it advisable to ask her five-year-oldwhether heor shewants towear a sweater; but she canoffer a choiceof twosweaters.Somechildrenareeagerforanadult’sadvicewhenitisnotnecessary.Itishelpfultorespond,“Whatdoyouthink?”

Onewantstoturnoverchoiceanddecisionmakingtoachildasfastasthechild can comfortably handle them. This is a judgment call, requiringconsciousness and sensitivity from the adult. The point is: Be aware of theultimateobjective.

PraiseandCriticism Lovingparents,concerned tosupport theself-esteemof theirchildren,maybelieve that theway todo it iswithpraise.But inappropriatepraisecanbeasharmfultoself-esteemasinappropriatecriticism.

Many years ago I learned fromHaimGinott an important distinction: thatbetween evaluative praise and appreciative praise. It is evaluative praise thatdoes not serve a child’s interests. Appreciative praise, in contrast, can beproductivebothinsupportingself-esteemandinreinforcingdesiredbehavior.

ToquotefromGinott’sTeacherandChild:

Inpsychotherapyachildisnevertold,“Youareagoodlittleboy.”“Youaredoing great.” “Carry on your good work.” Judgmental praise is avoided.Why?Because it is not helpful. It creates anxiety, invites dependency, andevokesdefensiveness.Itisnotconducivetoself-reliance,self-direction,andself-control. These qualities demand freedom fromoutside judgment. Theyrequirerelianceoninnermotivationandevaluation.Tobehimself,oneneedstobefreefromthepressureofevaluativepraise.

If we state what we like and appreciate about the child’s actions and

accomplishments,weremainfactualanddescriptive;weleaveittothechildtodotheevaluating.Ginottofferstheseexamplesoftheprocess:

Marcia, age twelve, helped the teacher rearrange the books in the classlibrary.Theteacheravoidedpersonalpraise.(“Youdidagoodjob.Youareahardworker.Youareagoodlibrarian.”)InsteadshedescribedwhatMarciaaccomplished:“Thebooksareallinordernow.It’llbeeasyforthechildrentofindanybooktheywant.Itwasadifficultjob.Butyoudidit.Thankyou.”The teacher’s words of recognition allowed Marcia to make her owninference.“MyteacherlikesthejobIdid.Iamagoodworker.”

Phyllis,ageten,wroteapoemdescribingherreactiontothefirstsnowoftheseason.The teachersaid,“Yourpoemreflectedmyownfeelings; Iwasdelightedtoseemywinterthoughtsputintopoeticphrases.”Asmilecrossedthelittlepoet’sface.Sheturnedtoherfriendandsaid,“Mrs.A.reallylikesmypoem.ShethinksIamterrific.”

Ruben,ageseven,hadbeenstrugglingtomakehishandwritingneat.Hefounditdifficulttokeephislettersontheline.Finally,hemanagedtocreatea neat page with well-constructed letters. The teacher wrote on his paper:“Thelettersareneat.Itwasapleasuretoreadyourpage.”Whenthepapers

were returned, the children eagerly read the notes the teacher hadwritten.Suddenly, the teacherheard the smackingof lips.TherewasRubenkissinghispaper!“Iamagoodwriter,”heannounced.

Themore specifically targeted our praise, themoremeaningful it is to the

child. Praise that is generalized and abstract leaves the child wondering whatexactlyisbeingpraised.Itisnothelpful.

Notonlydoespraiseneedtobespecific,itneedstobecommensuratewithitsobject. Overblown or grandiose praise tends to be overwhelming and anxietyprovoking—because the child knows it does not match his or her self-perceptions (a problem that is avoided by descriptions of behavior, plusexpressionsofappreciation,thatomittheseunrealisticevaluations).

Some parents are intent on helping their children’s self-esteem, but theypraiseglobally,indiscriminately,andextravagantly.Atbest,thisdoesnotwork.At worst, it backfires: the child feels invisible and anxious. In addition, thispolicy tends to produce “approval addicts”—children who cannot take a stepwithoutlookingforpraiseandwhofeeldisvaluedifitisnotforthcoming.Manydevotedparents,withthebestintentionsintheworldbutwithouttheappropriateskills, have turned their children into such approval addicts by saturating thehomeenvironmentwiththeir“loving”evaluations.

Inappropriatepraisecanbeasharmfultoself-esteemasinappropriatecriticism.

Ifwewishtonurtureautonomy,alwaysleavespaceforthechildtomakehis

orherownevaluations,afterwehavedescribedbehavior.Leavethechildfreeofthe pressure of our judgments. Help create a context in which independentthinkingcanoccur.

Whenweexpressourpleasure inandappreciationofachild’squestionsorobservations or thoughtfulness, we are encouraging the exercise ofconsciousness.Whenwerespondpositivelyandrespectfullytoachild’seffortsatself-expression,weencourageself-assertiveness.Whenweacknowledgeandshow appreciation for a child’s truthfulness, we encourage integrity. Catch achilddoingsomethingrightandconveypleasureatthesightofit.Trustthechildtodrawtheappropriateconclusions.That is thesimpleststatementofeffectivereinforcement.

Astocriticism,itneedstobedirectedonlyatthechild’sbehavior,neveratthechild. The principle is: Describe the behavior (hitting a sibling, breaking apromise),describeyourfeelingsaboutit(anger,disappointment),describewhatyouwantdone(ifanything)—andomitcharacterassassination.1

When I speak of describing your feelings, I mean statements like “I feeldisappointed,”or“Ifeeldismayed,”or“Ifeelangry.”Idonotmeanstatementslike “I feel you are the most rotten kid who ever lived,” which is not adescriptionofa feelingbutofa thought, judgment,orevaluationconcealed inthelanguageoffeeling.Thereisnosuchemotionas“Youarethemostrottenkidwhoeverlived.”Theactualemotionhereisrageandthedesiretoinflictpain.

Nogoodpurpose is ever servedbyassaultinga child’s self-esteem.This isthe first rule of effective criticism. We do not inspire better behavior byimpugning a child’s worth, intelligence, morality, character, intentions, orpsychology.No onewas evermade “good” by being informed he or shewas“bad.” (Nor by being told, “You’re just like [someone already viewed asreprehensible].”)Attacksonself-esteemtendtoincreasethelikelihoodthattheunwantedbehaviorwillhappenagain—“SinceIambad,Iwillbehavebadly.”

Noonewasevermade“good”bybeinginformedheorshewas“bad.”

Many an adult in psychotherapy complains of still hearing the internalized

voices of Mother or Father telling them they are “bad,” “rotten,” “stupid,”“worthless.”Oftentheystruggletowardabetterlifeagainstthegravitationalpullof those abusive terms, fighting not to succumb to their parents’ dark viewofthem.Theydonotalwayssucceed.Sinceself-concepttendstoturnintodestinythroughtheprincipleofself-fulfillingprophecies,weneedtoconsiderwhatself-conceptwewishtopromote.

Ifwecanrebukewithoutviolatingordemeaningachild’sdignity,ifwecanrespectachild’sself-esteemevenwhenweareangry,wehavemasteredoneofthemostchallengingandimportantaspectsofcompetentparenting.

ParentalExpectations IhavealreadycommentedonCoopersmith’sfindingswithregardtoparentalexpectations. It is no service to children to expect nothing of them. Rationalparentsupholdethicalstandardstowhichtheyholdchildrenaccountable.They

also uphold standards of performance: they expect children to learn, masterknowledgeandskills,andmovetowardincreasingmaturity.

Suchexpectationsneed tobecalibrated to thechild’s levelofdevelopmentand be respectful of the child’s unique attributes. One does not overwhelm achildwithexpectationsthattakenocognizanceofhisorhercontextandneeds.But neither does one assume that a child will always operate at a high level“naturally,”guidedbysheeremotionalimpulse.

Childrenclearlyshowadesiretoknowwhatisexpectedofthemanddonotfeelsecurewhentheansweris“nothing.”

RecommendationsforFurtherReading Of all the books written on the art of child-rearing, there are six that Ipersonally foundextraordinarilyusefulbecauseof thewisdomandclarity theybringtothe“nuts-and-bolts”problemsofeverydayfamilyliving.Althoughtheyrarelymentionself-esteemassuch,theyaresuperbguidebookstonurturingtheself-esteemoftheyoung.Imentionthemherebecausetheydevelopsoartfullyand imaginatively the specifics of conveying love, acceptance, respect, andappropriate praise and criticism in the face of the countless challenges thatchildrenpresenttoparentsandotheradults.

Three of these books are by Haim Ginott: Between Parent and Child,BetweenParentandTeenager,andTeacherandChild.*Theotherthreetitlesareby two former students ofGinott,Adele Faber andElaineMazlish:LiberatedParents, Liberated Children; How To Talk So KidsWill Listen and Listen SoKidsWillTalk;andSiblingswithoutRivalry.

YetanotheroutstandingbookisParentEffectivenessTrainingbyDr.ThomasGordon. One of its great merits is that it offers fairly detailed principlescombined with specific skills and techniques for resolving a wide variety ofchild-parent conflicts. Gordon’s approach is largely congruent with that ofGinott,althoughthereappeartobesomedifferences.Forone,Ginottinsiststhatparentsmust in somecircumstances set limitsand rules;Gordoncriticizes thisideaandseemstoarguethatallconflictsshouldberesolved“democratically.”InthisissueIsidewithGinott,althoughIamnotcertainhowrealthisdifferenceis,sinceGordonwouldnotallowasmallchild toplay in thestreetsathisorherdiscretion.Whatbothmenshare(alongwithFaberandMazlish)isapassionateaversion to disciplining by physical punishment. I applaud this because I amconvincedthatfearofphysicalpunishmentisdeadlyforthegrowthofachild’sself-esteem.

DealingwithMistakes Howparents respondwhen childrenmakemistakes canbe fateful for self-esteem.

Achild learns towalk throughaseriesoffalsemoves.Graduallyheorsheeliminates the moves that don’t work and keeps the moves that do; makingmistakes is integral to the process of learning to walk. Making mistakes isintegraltoagreatdealoflearning.

If a child is chastised for making a mistake, or ridiculed, humiliated, orpunished—oriftheparentstepsinimpatientlyandsays,“Here,letmedoit!”—heorshecannotfeel free tostruggleand learn.Anaturalprocessofgrowth issabotaged. To avoid mistakes becomes a higher priority than to master newchallenges.

Achildwhodoesnotfeelacceptedbyparentsifheorshemakesamistakemay learn to practice self-rejection in response to mistakes. Consciousness ismuted, self-acceptance isundermined, self-responsibility and self-assertivenessaresuppressed.

Given the chance, childrenwill usually learn from theirmistakes naturallyand spontaneously. Sometimes it can be useful to ask, noncritically andnonpedantically, “What did you learn? What might you do differently nexttime?”

Makingmistakesisintegraltoagreatdealoflearning.

It is more desirable to stimulate the search for answers than to provide

answers.However,tothinkofstimulatingthemindofthechildusuallyrequiresa higher level of consciousness (and of patience) of the parent than does thepracticeofhandingdownready-madesolutions.Impatienceisoftentheenemyofgoodparenting.

Workingwith adults who received destructivemessages aboutmistakes aschildren,Ioftenuseaseriesofsentencestems.Hereareatypicalsequenceandtypicalendings:

Whenmymothersawmemakingamistake—Shebecameimpatient.SheconveyedthatIwashopeless.

Shecalledmeherbigbaby.Shebecameangryandsaid,“Here,letmeshowyou!”Shelaughedandlookedcontemptuous.Sheyelledformyfather.

Whenmyfathersawmemakingamistake—Hegotangry.Hegaveasermon.Heswore.Hecomparedmetomysuperiorbrother.Hesneered.Helaunchedintoahalf-hourlecture.Hetalkedabouthowbrilliantlyhedidthings.Hesaid,“You’reyourmother’sson.”Hewalkedoutoftheroom.

WhenIcatchmyselfmakingamistake—ItellmyselfI’mstupid.Icallmyselfaklutz.Ifeellikealoser.Ifeelfrightened.IwonderwhatwillhappenwhenI’mfoundout.Itellmyselfit’spointlesstotry.Itellmyselfit’sunforgivable.Ifeelself-contempt.

Ifsomeonehadtoldmeit’sallrighttomakemistakes—I’dbeadifferentperson.Iwouldn’tmakesomanymistakes.Iwouldn’tbesoafraidtotryanything.Iwouldn’tbesoself-critical.

I’dbemoreopen.I’dbemoreadventuresome.I’daccomplishmore.

WhatIhearmyselfsayingis—I’mdoingeverythingtomyselfmymotherandfatheroncedidtome.Myparentsarestillinsidemyhead.Ihavenomorecompassionformyselfthanmyfatherdid.IberatemyselfworsethanMotherdid.IfIcan’tmakemistakes,Ican’tgrow.I’mstiflingmyself.Myself-esteemisdevastatedbymistakes.

IfIhadthecouragetoallowmyselfmistakes—Iwouldnotmakeasmanymistakes.I’dbecarefulbutmorerelaxed.Icouldenjoymywork.Iwouldtakemorechanceswithnewideas.I’dhavemoreideas.Icouldbemorecreative.I’dbehappier.Iwouldnotbeirresponsible.

IfIweremorecompassionateaboutmymistakes—Iwouldn’tfeeldoomedandIwouldtryharder.Iwouldgivemore.I’dlikemyselfmore.Iwouldn’tbedepressed.Iwouldbemoreconscious.Iwouldn’tstrugglewithallthisfear.I’dbemyownmanandnotmyparents’littleboy.

AsIlearnabetterattitudetowardmakingmistakes—Iwillfeellesstense.Myworkwillimprove.IthinkIwilltrynewthings.Iwillhavetosaygood-byetoanoldscript.Iwillbecomeabetterparenttomyself.Iwillfindithard.Iwillhavetolearnthatit’snotself-indulgence.Iwillhavetopractice.Itwilltakegettingusedto.Ifeelhopeful.Ifeelexcited.

Thelastsixstemslistedabovepointtooneofthewayswecanbegintoundonegative programming. In therapy or inmy self-esteem groups I might ask aclienttowritesixtotenendingsforseveraloftheselaststemseverydayfortwoorthreeweeks—asapotentdeviceofdeprogramming.Theprincipleisthatwekeep “radiating” the destructive ideas with highly concentrated awareness(whichisverydifferentfromworryingor“stewing”orobsessingorcomplainingaboutthem).

TheNeedforSanity There is perhaps nothingmore important to know about children than thattheyneedtomakesenseoutoftheirexperience.Ineffect,theyneedtoknowthattheuniverseisrational—andthathumanexistenceisknowable,predictable,andstable.Onthatfoundation,theycanbuildasenseofefficacy;withoutit,thetaskisworsethandifficult.

Physical reality tends to be far more “reliable” than most human beings.Consequently,childrenwhofeelineffectiveinthehumanrealmoftenturnforasenseofpowertonatureormachineryorengineeringorphysicsormathematics,all of which offer a degree of consistency and “sanity” rarely found amonghumanbeings.

But “sanity” in family life is one of a child’smost urgent needs if healthy

developmentistobepossible.What does sanitymean in this context? Itmeans adultswho, for themost

part, say what they mean and mean what they say. It means rules that areunderstandable, consistent, and fair. It means not being punished today forbehavior thatwas ignoredorevenrewardedyesterday. Itmeansbeingbroughtupbyparentswhoseemotionallifeismoreorlessgraspableandpredictable—incontrasttoanemotionallifepunctuatedbyboutsofanxietyorrageoreuphoriaunrelatedtoanydiscerniblecauseorpattern.Itmeansahomeinwhichrealityisappropriately acknowledged—in contrast to a home in which, for instance, adrunkenfathermissesthechairhemeanttositonandcrashestothefloorwhileMother goes on eating and talking as though nothing had happened. Itmeansparents who practice what they preach.Who are willing to admit when theymake mistakes and apologize when they know they have been unfair orunreasonable.Whoappealtoachild’swishtounderstandratherthanthewishtoavoid pain. Who reward and reinforce consciousness in a child rather thandiscourageandpenalizeit.

Thereisperhapsnothingmoreimportanttoknowaboutchildrenthanthattheyneedtomakesenseoutoftheirexperience.

If,insteadofobedience,wewantcooperationfromourchildren;if,insteadof

conformity, we want self-responsibility—we can achieve it in a homeenvironment that supports the child’s mind. We cannot achieve it in anenvironmentintrinsicallyhostiletotheexerciseofmind.

TheNeedforStructure Children’s securityandgrowthneedsare inpartmetby thepresenceofanappropriatestructure.

“Structure” pertains to the rules, implicit or explicit, operative in a family,rulesaboutwhatisorisnotacceptableandpermissible,whatisexpected,howvariouskindsofbehavioraredealtwith,whoisfreetodowhat,howdecisionsaffectingfamilymembersaremade,andwhatkindofvaluesareupheld.

Agoodstructureisonethatrespectstheneeds,individuality,andintelligenceofeachfamilymember.Opencommunicationishighlyvalued.Suchastructureis flexible rather than rigid, open and discussible rather than closed and

authoritarian.Insuchastructure,parentsofferexplanations,notcommandments.Theyappeal toconfidence rather than to fear.Theyencourageself-expression.Theyuphold thekindofvaluesweassociatewith individualityandautonomy.Theirstandardsinspireratherthanintimidate.

Children do not desire unlimited “freedom.” Most children feel safer andmoresecureinastructurethatissomewhatauthoritarianthaninnostructureatall. Children need limits and feel anxious in their absence. This is one of thereasons they test limits—to be certain they are there.They need to know thatsomeoneisflyingtheplane.

Overly“permissive”parentstendtoproducehighlyanxiouschildren.BythisImean parentswhoback away from any leadership role;who treat all familymembersasequalnotonlyindignitybutalsoinknowledgeandauthority;andwho strive to teach no values and uphold no standards for fear of “imposing”their “biases” on their children.A client once said tome, “Mymotherwouldhave thought it ‘undemocratic’ to tell me that getting pregnant at the age ofthirteen is not a good idea.Doyouknowhow terrifying it is to growup in ahousewherenooneactsliketheyknowwhat’strueorright?”

When children are offered rational values and standards, self-esteem isnurtured.Whentheyarenot,self-esteemisstarved.

AFamilyDinner With both parents working, sometimes long hours, it is often difficult forparents tospendwithchildrenall the timetheywould like.Sometimesparentsand children do not even take meals together. Without entering into all thecomplexitiesofthisissueandall theproblematicaspectsofcontemporarylife-styles,Iwanttomentiononesimplesuggestionthatclientsofminehavefoundhelpful.

I ask parentswho consultme tomake a commitment to have at least onemajorfamilydinneraweekatwhichallmembersarepresent.

I ask thatdinnerbe slowand leisurelyand that everyonebe invited to talkabouthisorheractivitiesandconcerns.Nolectures,nosermons,nopatronizing,justsharingofexperiences,everyonetreatedwithloveandrespect.Thethemeisself-expressionandself-disclosure—andthesustainingofconnections.

Many parents who agree with the project in principle find they needconsiderable discipline in its execution. The urge to condescend, patronize,pontificate, can be powerful. They can stifle self-expression even while“demanding”it.If,however,theycanovercometheimpulsetobe“authorities,”

iftheycanexpressthoughtsandfeelingssimplyandnaturallywiththeirchildrenand invite the same self-expression in return, they offer a profoundpsychologicalgifttotheirchildrenandtothemselves.Theyhelpcreateasenseof “belonging” in the best sense of thatword—that is, they create a sense offamily.Theycreateanenvironmentinwhichself-esteemcangrow.

ChildAbuse Whenwethinkofchildabusewethinkofchildrenwhoarephysicallyabusedor sexually molested. That such abuse can be catastrophic for a child’s self-esteem is widely recognized. It evokes the experience of traumaticpowerlessness, the feelingofnonownershipofone’sownbody,anda senseofagonizingdefenselessnessthatcanlastalifetime.

However,amorecomprehensiveexaminationofwhatconstituteschildabusewould have to include the following items, all of which throw up severeobstacles to thegrowthof a child’s self-esteem.Parentsperpetrate child abusewhenthey…

Conveythatthechildisnot“enough.”Chastisethechildforexpressing“unacceptable”feelings.Ridiculeorhumiliatethechild.Conveythatthechild’sthoughtsorfeelingshavenovalueorimportance.Attempttocontrolthechildbyshameorguilt. Overprotect the child and consequently obstruct normal learning and

increasingself-reliance.Underprotectthechildandconsequentlyobstructnormalegodevelopment. Raiseachildwithnorulesatall,andthusnosupportingstructure;orelse

rules that are contradictory, bewildering, undiscussable, and oppressive—ineithercaseinhibitingnormalgrowth.

Denyachild’sperceptionof realityand implicitlyencourage thechild todoubthisorhermind.

Terrorize a childwithphysical violenceor the threat of it, thus instillingacutefearasanenduringcharacteristicatthechild’score.

Treatachildasasexualobject.Teachthatthechildisbad,unworthy,orsinfulbynature.

When a child’s basic needs are frustrated, as they invariably are when

subjectedtotheabovetreatment,theresultisacutepain.Oftenembeddedinthatpainis thefeeling:Somethingiswrongwithme.SomehowIamdefective.Andthetragedyofadestructiveself-fulfillingprophecyissetinmotion.

UrgentIssues As I said earlier,mygoal in this chapterhasnotbeen tooffer a courseonchild-rearing.Mygoalhasbeentoisolatecertainissuesthatmyexperienceasapsychotherapisthastaughtmeareoftenfatefulforayoungperson’sself-esteem.

When we listen to the stories of adults in therapy, noting the historicalcircumstances under which tragic decisions were sometimes made, it is notdifficult to see what wasmissing and needed during the childhood years. Byextrapolatingfromwounds,asitwere,wecandeepenourunderstandingofwhatpreventswoundsfromoccurring.

Overtwodecadesago,inBreakingFree,IpublishedalistofquestionsIusedin psychotherapy to facilitate explorations into the childhood origins of poorself-esteem.Iincludeherearevisedandslightlyexpandedversionofthatlist,asa kind of summing up of some, although not all, of the issueswe have beenaddressing.Theycanbeusefulstimulantstoself-examinationforindividualsaswellasevocativeguidesforparents.

1. When you were a child, did your parents’ manner of behaving and ofdealingwithyougiveyou the impression thatyouwere living inaworld thatwas rational, predictable, intelligible? Or a world that was contradictory,bewildering, unknowable? In your home, did you have the sense the evidentfactswereacknowledgedandrespectedoravoidedanddenied?

2.Wereyoutaughttheimportanceoflearningtothinkandofcultivatingyourintelligence? Did your parents provide you with intellectual stimulation andconvey the idea that the use of yourmind can be an exciting adventure?Didanything inyourhome life suggest suchaperspective, ifonly implicitly?Wasconsciousnessvalued?

Wereyouencouragedtowardobedienceortowardself-responsibility?

3. Were you encouraged to think independently, to develop your critical

faculty?Orwereyouencouragedtobeobedientratherthanmentallyactiveand

questioning? (Supplementary questions: Did your parents project that it wasmoreimportanttoconformtowhatotherpeoplebelievedthantodiscoverwhatistrue?Whenyourparentswantedyoutodosomething,didtheyappealtoyourunderstanding and give you reasons, when possible and appropriate, for theirrequest?Or did they communicate, in effect, “Do it because I say so?”)Wereyouencouragedtowardobedienceortowardself-responsibility?

4. Did you feel free to express your views openly, without fear ofpunishment?Wereself-expressionandself-assertivenesssafe?

5.Didyourparentscommunicatetheirdisapprovalofyourthoughts,desires,or behavior by means of humor, teasing, or sarcasm? Were you taught toassociateself-expressionwithhumiliation?

6.Didyourparentstreatyouwithrespect?(Supplementaryquestions:Wereyour thoughts, needs, and feelings given consideration?Wasyour dignity as ahumanbeingacknowledged?Whenyouexpressedideasoropinions,weretheytakenseriously?Wereyourlikesanddislikes,whetherornottheywereaccededto,treatedwithrespect?Wereyourdesiresrespondedtothoughtfullyand,again,withrespect?)Wereyouimplicitlyencouragedtorespectyourself,totakeyourthoughtsseriously,totaketheexerciseofyourmindseriously?

7.Didyou feel thatyouwerepsychologicallyvisible toyourparents, seenandunderstood?Didyoufeelrealtothem?(Supplementaryquestions:Didyourparentsseemtomakeagenuineefforttounderstandyou?Didyourparentsseemauthenticallyinterestedinyouasaperson?Couldyoutalktoyourparentsaboutissues of importance and receive concerned, meaningful understanding fromthem?)Was there congruence between your sense of who youwere and thesenseofwhoyouwereconveyedbyyourparents?

8. Did you feel loved and valued by your parents, in the sense that youexperiencedyourselfasasourceofpleasuretothem?Ordidyoufeelunwanted,perhapsaburden?Didyoufeelhated?Ordidyoufeelthatyouweresimplyanobjectof indifference?Wereyou implicitlyencouraged toexperienceyourselfaslovable?

9. Did your parents deal with you fairly and justly? (Supplementaryquestions: Did your parents resort to threats to control your behavior—eitherthreatsofimmediatepunitiveactionontheirpart,threatsintermsoflong-rangeconsequencesforyourlife,orthreatsofsupernaturalpunishments,suchasgoingtohell?Wereyouappreciatedwhenyoudidwell,ormerelycriticizedwhenyoudidbadly?Wereyourparentswillingtoadmititwhentheywerewrong?Orwasitagainsttheirpolicytoconcedethattheywerewrong?)Didyoufeelyourselftobelivinginarational,just,and“sane”environment?

10.Wasityourparents’practicetopunishyouordisciplineyoubystriking

orbeatingyou?Wasfearor terror intentionallyevoked inyouasameansofmanipulationandcontrol?

11.Didyourparentsprojectthattheybelievedinyourbasiccompetenceandgoodness?Orthattheysawyouasdisappointing,ineffectual,worthless,orbad?Didyou feel that yourparentswereonyour side, supporting thebestwithinyou?

12.Didyourparentsconveythesensethattheybelievedinyourintellectualandcreativepotentialities?Ordidtheyprojectthattheysawyouasmediocreorstupid or inadequate? Did you feel that your mind and abilities wereappreciated?

13.Inyourparents’expectationsconcerningyourbehaviorandperformance,did they take cognizance of your knowledge; needs, interests, andcircumstances? Or were you confronted with expectations and demands thatwereoverwhelmingandbeyondyourabilitytosatisfy?Wereyouencouragedtotreatyourwantsandneedsasimportant?

14. Did your parents’ behavior and manner of dealing with you tend toproduce guilt in you?Were you implicitly (or explicitly) encouraged to seeyourselfasbad?

15. Did your parents’ behavior and manner of dealing with you tend toproduce fear in you?Were you encouraged to think, not in terms of gainingvaluesorsatisfaction,butintermsofavoidingpainordisapproval?

16. Did your parents respect your intellectual and physical privacy?Wereyourdignityandrightsrespected?

17. Did your parents project that it was desirable for you to thinkwell ofyourself—ineffect,tohaveself-esteem?Orwereyoucautionedagainstvaluingyourself,encouragedtobe“humble”?Wasself-esteemavalueinyourhome?

18.Didyourparentsconveythatwhatapersonmadeofhisorher lifeandwhat you, specifically, made of your life, was important? (Supplementaryquestions: Did your parents project that great things are possible for humanbeings,andspecificallythatgreatthingswerepossibleforyou?Didyourparentsgive you the impression that life could be exciting, challenging, a rewardingadventure?)Wereyouofferedanupliftingvisionofwhatwaspossibleinlife?

19.Didyourparentsinstillinyouafearoftheworld,afearofotherpeople?Wereyougiventhesensethattheworldisamalevolentplace?

20. Were you urged to be open in the expression of your emotions anddesires?Orwereyourparents’behaviorandmannerof treatingyousuchas tomake you fear emotional self-assertiveness and openness or to regard it asinappropriate?Were emotional honesty, self-expression, and self-acceptancesupported?

21.Wereyourmistakesacceptedasanormalpartofthelearningprocess?Orassomethingyouweretaughttoassociatewithcontempt,ridicule,punishment?Were you encouraged in a fear-free approach to new challenges and newlearning?

22. Did your parents encourage you in the direction of having a healthy,affirmativeattitudetowardsexandtowardyourownbody?Anegativeattitude?Ordidtheytreattheentiresubjectasnonexistent?Didyoufeelsupportedinahappyandpositiveattitudetowardyourphysicalbeingandevolvingsexuality?

23. Did your parents’ manner of dealing with you tend to develop andstrengthen your sense of your masculinity or femininity? Or to frustrate anddiminishit?Ifyouweremale,didyourparentsconveythatthatwasdesirable?Ifyouwerefemale,didtheyconveythatthatwasdesirable?

24.Didyourparentsencourageyoutofeelthatyourlifebelongedtoyou?Orwere you encouraged to believe that youweremerely a family asset and thatyour achievementswere significant only insofar as theybroughtglory toyourparents?(Supplementaryquestion:Wereyoutreatedasafamilyresource,orasanendinyourself?)Wereyouencouragedtounderstandthatyouarenothereonearthtoliveuptosomeoneelse’sexpectations?

StrategicDetachment Manychildrenundergoexperiencesthatplaceenormousobstaclesinthewayof thedevelopmentofself-esteem.Everyoneknows this.Achildmayfind theworldofparentsandotheradultsincomprehensibleandthreatening.Theselfisnotnurturedbutattacked.Thewilltobeconsciousandefficaciousisassaulted.Afteranumberofunsuccessfulattemptstounderstandadultpolicies,statements,andbehavior,manychildrengiveup—and take theblame for their feelingsofhelplessness.

Oftentheysense,miserably,desperately,andinarticulately,thatsomethingisterriblywrong—withtheirelders,orwiththemselves,orwithsomething.Whattheyoftencometofeelis:“I’llneverunderstandotherpeople.I’llneverbeabletodowhattheyexpectofme.Idon’tknowwhat’srightorwrong,andI’mnevergoingtoknow.”

Toperseverewiththewilltounderstandinthefaceofobstaclesistheheroismofconsciousness.

Theheroic childwhocontinues to struggle tomake senseoutof theworld

and thepeople in it, however, is developing apowerful sourceof strength, nomatterwhattheanguishorbewildermentexperiencedalongtheway.Caughtinaparticularly cruel, frustrating, and irrational environment, he or she willdoubtlessfeelalienatedfrommanyofthepeopleintheimmediatelysurroundingworld,andlegitimatelyso.Butthechildwillnotfeelalienatedfromreality,willnot feel, at the deepest level, incompetent to live—or at least he or she has adecentchancetoavoidthatfate.Toperseverewiththewilltounderstandinthefaceofobstaclesistheheroismofconsciousness.

Often children who survive extremely adverse childhoods have learned aparticular survival strategy. I call it “strategic detachment.” This is not thewithdrawal from reality that leads to psychological disturbance, but anintuitivelycalibrateddisengagementfromnoxiousaspectsoftheirfamilylifeorotheraspectsoftheirworld.Theysomehowknow,Thisisnotallthereis.Theyholdthebeliefthatabetteralternativeexistssomewhereandthatsomedaytheywill find their way to it. They persevere in that idea. They somehow knowMotherisnotallwomen,Fatherisnotallmen,thisfamilydoesnotexhaustthepossibilities of human relationships—there is life beyond this neighborhood.Thisdoesnotspare themsuffering in thepresent,but itallows themnot tobedestroyed by it. Their strategic detachment does not guarantee that they willneverknowfeelingsofpowerlessness,butithelpsthemnottobestuckthere.

We admire such children. But as parents we would like to offer our ownchildrenhappieroptions.

ParentingasaVehicleofPersonalEvolution InanearlierchapterIoutlinedthekeyideasorbeliefsmostconsequentialforself-esteem.Itfollowsthatafamilyinwhichtheseideasarecommunicated,aswellasexemplifiedintheadult’spractice,isoneinwhichchildren’sself-esteemisnurtured.Achildwhogrowsupinthisphilosophicalcontexthasanenormousdevelopmentaladvantage.

However,ideasandvaluesaremostpowerfullycommunicatedwhentheyareembeddedintofamilylife,rootedinthebeingoftheparents.Regardlessofwhatwethinkwe’reteaching,weteachwhatweare.

Thisfactcanbeturnedaroundandlookedatfromanotherperspective.Almost any important task can be used as a vehicle for personal

development.Workcanbeapathforpersonalgrowthanddevelopment;socan

marriage;socanchild-rearing.Wecanchoose tomakeanyof themaspiritualdiscipline—a discipline in the service of our own evolution.We can take theprinciplesthatbuildself-esteemanduseourworkasanarenainwhichtoapplythem—with the result thatbothperformanceand self-esteemwill rise.Wecantakethesameprinciplesandapplytheminourmarriage—withtheresultthattherelationshipwillflourish(otherthingsbeingequal)andself-esteemwillrise.Wecantaketheprinciplesthatraiseself-esteeminourselves,andapplythemtoourinteractionswithourchildren.

We need not pretend to our children that we are “perfect.” We canacknowledge our struggles and admit ourmistakes. The likelihood is that theself-esteemofeveryoneinthefamilywillbenefit.

Ifwechoosetobringa(5percent!)higherlevelofconsciousnesstodealingswith our children—towhat we say and howwe respond—whatmight we dodifferently?

Ifwechoosetobringahigherlevelofself-acceptancetoourlife,whatmightweconveytoourchildrenaboutself-acceptance?

Ifwe choose to bring a higher level of self-responsibility to our parenting(ratherthanalwaysblamingourmateorourchildren),whatexamplemightweset?

Ifwearemoreself-assertive,moreauthentic,whatmightourchildrenlearnaboutbeinggenuine?

Ifwe operate at a higher level of purposefulness,whatmight our childrenlearnaboutgoalachievementandanactiveorientationtowardlife?

Ifwebringahigherlevelofintegritytothetaskofparenting,inwhatwaysmightourchildrenbenefit?

Andifwedoallofthis,inwhatwaysmightwebenefit?Theanswertothislastissimple:Insupportingandnurturingtheself-esteem

ofourchildren,wesupportandnurtureourown.

14

Self-EsteemintheSchools

To many children, school represents a “second chance”—an opportunity toacquireabettersenseofselfandabettervisionoflifethanwasofferedintheirhome.Ateacherwhoprojectsconfidenceinachild’scompetenceandgoodnesscanbeapowerfulantidotetoafamilyinwhichsuchconfidenceislackingandinwhichperhapstheoppositeperspectiveisconveyed.Ateacherwhotreatsboysand girls with respect can provide enlightenment for a child struggling tounderstandhumanrelationshipswhocomesfromahomewheresuchrespectisnonexistent.Ateacherwhorefusestoacceptachild’snegativeself-conceptandrelentlessly holds to a better view of the child’s potential has the power—sometimes—to save a life.A client once said tome, “Itwasmy fourth-gradeteacherwhomademeawareadifferentkindofhumanityexistedthanmyfamily—shegavemeavisiontoinspireme.”

Butforsomechildren,schoolisalegallyenforcedincarcerationatthehandsofteacherswholackeithertheself-esteemorthetrainingorbothtodotheirjobsproperly.Theseareteacherswhodonotinspirebuthumiliate.Theydonotspeakthelanguageofcourtesyandrespectbutofridiculeandsarcasm.Withinvidiouscomparisonstheyflatteronestudentattheexpenseofanother.Withunmanagedimpatiencetheydeepenachild’sterrorofmakingmistakes.Theyhavenoothernotionofdisciplinethanthreatsofpain.Theydonotmotivatebyofferingvaluesbutbyevokingfear.Theydonotbelieveinachild’spossibilities; theybelieveonlyinlimitations.Theydonotlightfiresinminds,theyextinguishthem.Whocannotrecallencounteringatleastonesuchteacherduringone’sschoolyears?

Ofanyprofessionalgroupitisteacherswhohaveshownthegreatestreceptivitytotheimportanceofself-esteem.

Mostteacherswanttomakeapositivecontributiontothemindsentrustedto

theircare.Iftheysometimesdoharm,itisnotbyintention.Andtodaymostareaware thatoneof theways theycancontribute isbynurturing thechild’sself-esteem.Theyknowthatchildrenwhobelieveinthemselves,andwhoseteachersproject a positive view of their potential, do better in school than childrenwithout theseadvantages. Indeed,of anyprofessionalgroup it is teacherswhohaveshownthegreatest receptivity to the importanceofself-esteem.Butwhatnurturesself-esteemintheclassroomisnotself-evident.

Ihavestressedthat“feelgood”notionsareharmfulratherthanhelpful.Yetifone examines the proposals offered to teachers on how to raise students’ self-esteem,manyarethekindoftrivialnonsensethatgivesself-esteemabadname,suchaspraisingandapplaudingachildforvirtuallyeverythingheorshedoes,dismissingtheimportanceofobjectiveaccomplishments,handingoutgoldstarson every possible occasion, and propounding an “entitlement” idea of self-esteem that leaves it divorced from both behavior and character. One of theconsequencesofthisapproachistoexposethewholeself-esteemmovementintheschoolstoridicule.

By way of illustration, consider an article appearing in Time (February 5,1990)thatstated:

Astandardizedmathtestwasgivento13-year-oldsinsixcountrieslastyear.Koreans did the best, Americans did the worst, coming in behind Spain,Ireland,andCanada.Nowthebadnews.Besidesbeingshowntrianglesandequations,thekidswereshownthestatement“Iamgoodatmathematics.”…AmericanswereNo.1,withanimpressive68%inagreement.

Americanstudentsmaynotknowtheirmath,but theyhaveevidentlyabsorbed the lessons of the newly fashionable self-esteem curriculumwhereinkidsaretaughttofeelgoodaboutthemselves.

Some American educators have argued that these figures are misleading

becausewhereasother countriesmeasured theperformanceof only the top10percentofstudents,theU.S.figuresrepresentamuchbroadersampling,whichbroughtouraveragedown.TheyhavealsoarguedthatintheKoreanculture,forinstance,itisfarlessacceptabletosaycomplimentarythingsaboutoneselfthanin the American culture. Just the same, within the limits of his naive andprimitiveunderstandingofself-esteem,thecriticismsof“self-esteemcurricula”theauthorofthisarticlegoesontomakeareentirelyjustified.Heisattacking,ineffect,the“feelgood”approach,andtheattackisdeserved.

Therefore,letmestressonceagainthatwhenIwriteofself-efficacyorself-respect,Idosointhecontextofreality,notoffeelingsgeneratedoutofwishesoraffirmationsorgoldstarsgrantedasarewardforshowingup.WhenItalktoteachers,Italkaboutreality-basedself-esteem.Letmesayfurtherthatoneofthecharacteristics of persons with healthy self-esteem is that they tend to assesstheir abilities and accomplishments realistically, neither denying norexaggeratingthem.

Might a student do poorly in school and yet have good self-esteem? Ofcourse.Thereareanynumberofreasonswhyaparticularboyorgirlmightnotdowell scholastically, fromadyslexiccondition to lackofadequatechallengeand stimulation. Grades are hardly a reliable indicator of a given individual’sself-efficacy and self-respect. But rationally self-esteeming students do notdeludethemselvesthattheyaredoingwellwhentheyaredoingpoorly.

Self-esteempertainstothatwhichisopentoourvolitionalchoice.Itcannotproperlybeafunctionofthefamilywewereborninto,orourrace,orthe

colorofourskin,ortheachievementsofourancestors.

Wedonotservethehealthydevelopmentofyoungpeoplewhenweconvey

that self-esteemmay be achieved by reciting “I am special” every day, or bystrokingone’sownfacewhilesaying“I loveme,”orby identifyingself-worthwithmembershipinaparticulargroup(“ethnicpride”)ratherthanwithpersonalcharacter.Letusrememberthatself-esteempertainstothatwhichisopentoourvolitionalchoice. It cannotproperlybe a functionof the familywewereborninto,orourrace,orthecolorofourskin,ortheachievementsofourancestors.Thesearevaluespeoplesometimescling to inorder toavoidresponsibilityforachieving authentic self-esteem. They are sources of pseudo self-esteem. Canone ever take legitimate pleasure in any of these values?Of course.Can theyeverprovidetemporarysupportforfragile,growingegos?Probably.Buttheyarenot substitutes for consciousness, responsibility, or integrity. They are notsourcesofself-efficacyandself-respect.Theycan,however,becomesourcesofself-delusion.

On the other hand, the principle of self-acceptance can have an importantapplication here. Some students who come from different ethnic backgroundsbut who are eager to “fit in”may in effect deny and disown their distinctiveethniccontext.Insuchcasesitisclearlydesirabletohelpstudentstoappreciatetheuniqueaspectsoftheirraceorculture,to“own”theirhistory,asitwere,and

nottreattheirheritageasunrealorshameful.What makes the challenge of fostering children’s self-esteem particularly

urgent todayis thatmanyyoungpeoplearriveinschool insuchaconditionofemotionaldistressthatconcentratingonlearningcanbeextraordinarilydifficult.Robert Reasoner, former superintendent of the Moreland School District inCalifornia,writes:

Sixty-eightpercentofchildrenenteringschooltodayinCaliforniahavebothparentsintheworkforce,whichmeansrelativelylittletimespentwitheitherparent.Over 50 percent of students have already seen a family change—aseparation, adivorce,or a remarriage; inmanydistricts, byhigh school68percentarenotlivingwiththeirtwooriginalparents.Twenty-fourpercentarebornoutofwedlockandhaveneverknownafather.Twenty-fourpercentareborn bearing the residual effects of their mother’s abuse of drugs. InCalifornia,25percentwillbeeithersexuallyorphysicallyabusedbeforetheyfinishhighschool.Twenty-fivepercentcomefromfamilieswithalcoholordrug problems. Thirty percent are living in conditions consideredsubstandard.Fifteenpercentarerecentimmigrantsadjustingtoanewcultureand a new language. Whereas in 1890 90 percent of the children hadgrandparentslivinginthehome,andin195040percentlivinginthehome,todaythefigureisdownto7percent;sothereisfarlessofasupportsystem.Astotheemotionallifeofyoungpeople,considerthesefigures.Thirtyto50percentwillcontemplatesuicide.Fifteenpercentwillmakeaseriousattemptto kill themselves. Forty-one percent drink heavily every two-threeweeks.Ten percent of girls will become pregnant before they finish high school.Thirty percent of boys and girls will drop out of school by the age ofeighteen.1

Schools cannot be expected to provide solutions for all the problems in

students’ lives. But good schools—whichmeans good teachers—canmake anenormousdifference. In attempting to raise self-esteem in the classroom,whatare the issues? In this chapter I want to address—in broad strokes—thefundamentalsthatneedtobeconsidered.

TheGoalsofEducation Perhaps the place to begin is with how the teacher conceives the goals ofeducation.

Istheprimarygoaltotrainyoungpeopletobe“goodcitizens”?Thenahigh

premiummaybeplacednotonfosteringautonomyorencouragingindependentthinking but on memorizing a shared body of knowledge and belief, onabsorbing“therules”oftheparticularsociety,andoftenonlearningobediencetoauthority. Earlier in our history, this clearly was the goal of our publiceducationalsystem.

In Breakpoint and Beyond, George Land and Beth Jarman make aninterestingobservationworthquotinginthiscontext:

As late as October of 1989, the Association of California SchoolAdministrators, operating from a viewpoint of [traditional] thinking,announced,“Thepurposeoftheschoolsystemisnottoprovidestudentswithaneducation.”Individualeducationis“ameanstothetrueendofeducation,whichistocreateaviablesocialorder.”Heretheleadersofoneofthelargestschoolsystemsintheworldhavedeclaredthatstudentscanenterthetwenty-firstcenturysupportedbyschoolsthatdonothaveeducationastheircentralpurpose!2

Ivividlyrecallmyownexperiencesingradeschoolandhighschoolduring

the 1930s and 1940s. The twomost important values conveyed tome in thatworldweretheability toremainsilentandmotionlessfor longperiodsof timeand the ability to march with my fellow students in a neat row from oneclassroomtoanother.Schoolwasnotaplace to learn independent thinking, tohaveone’sself-assertivenessencouraged,tohaveone’sautonomynourishedandstrengthened. It was a place to learn how to fit into some nameless systemcreatedbysomenamelessothersandcalled“theworld”or“society”or“thewaylife is.” And “the way life is” was not to be questioned. Since I questionedeverythingandfoundsilenceandstillnessunbearable,Iwasquicklyidentifiedasatroublemaker.

Manybrilliantmindshavecommentedontheirdismalexperiencesinschool,theirboredom,theirlackofappropriateintellectualstimulationandnourishment,their sense that the last thing theeducational systemwasdesigned forwas thecultivation of minds. Schools were interested not in autonomy but in themanufactureofsomeone’snotionof“goodcitizens.”

“In education,”wroteCarlRogers inOnBecoming a Person, “we tend toturn out conformists, stereotypes, individuals whose education is ‘completed,’ratherthanfreelycreativeandoriginalthinkers.”

Commenting on this disposition of teachers (and parents) to demandobedienceandconformityasprimaryvalues, todiscourage rather thansupportnormalandhealthyprogresstowardautonomy,JeanPiagetwroteinTheMoral

Judgment of the Child, “If one thinks of the systematic resistance offered bypeople to the authoritarianmethod, and the admirable ingenuity employed bychildren the world over to evade disciplinarian constraint, one cannot helpregardingasdefectiveasystemwhichallowssomuchefforttobewastedinsteadofusingitincooperation.”

Whatisneededanddemandedtoday,intheageoftheknowledgeworker,isnotroboticobediencebutpersonswhocanthink.

There is reason tohope that thisorientation ischanging.Theassembly line

haslongsinceceasedtobetheappropriatesymboloftheworkplace,aswehavemade the transition from amanufacturing to an information society andmindworkhaslargelyreplacedmusclework.Whatisneededanddemandedtoday,intheageoftheknowledgeworker,isnotroboticobediencebutpersonswhocanthink; who can innovate, originate, and function self-responsibly; who arecapable of self-management; who can remain individuals while workingeffectively asmembers of teams;who are confident of their powers and theirabilitytocontribute.Whattheworkplaceneedstodayisself-esteem.Andwhatthe workplace needs sooner or later of necessity becomes the agenda of theschools.

In earlier forms of industrial organization,where a great deal ofworkwasrepetitive and near mindless, obedience may have been a prized value. It ishardlythefirsttraitamanagerlooksfortoday.Asuperbteacherofteachersanda specialist in educational technology that supports autonomy, Jane Bluesteinobserves in21stCenturyDiscipline, “There is evidence that childrenwho aretooobedientmayhavedifficultyfunctioningintoday’sworkworld.”3Today,ahighpremiumisputon initiativeandself-responsibilitybecause that iswhatarapidlychanging,intenselycompetitiveeconomyrequires.

If schools are tobeadaptive, thegoalsof educationneed toembracemorethanmerelymasteringaparticularbodyofknowledgethatstudentsareexpectedtoregurgitateonexams.Theaimmustbetoteachchildrenhowtothink,howtorecognize logical fallacies, how to be creative, and how to learn. This last isemphasized because of the speedwithwhich yesterday’s knowledge becomesinadequate to today’s demands: most work now requires a commitment tolifelong learning.Amongother things, youngpeopleneed to learnhow tousecomputersandlibrariestoaccesstheever-expandingnewknowledgeessentialtotheirprogressintheworkplace.

Schoolsarecriticizedatpresentbecauseitispossibletograduatehighschoolwithoutknowinghowtowriteacoherentparagraphoraddupone’srestaurantcheck. But a mastery of simple English composition or arithmetic, whileessential,doesnotbegin to touchwhatapersonmustknowtodayatany levelabovethemostmenialjob.

Sothefosteringofself-esteemmustbeintegratedintoschoolcurriculaforatleast two reasons. One is to support young people in persevering with theirstudies,stayingoffdrugs,preventingpregnancy,abstainingfromvandalism,andgaining the education they need. The other is to help prepare thempsychologicallyforaworldinwhichthemindiseveryone’schiefcapitalasset.

I confess to cringing a little when I hear colleagues in the self-esteem/education field announce that teachersmusthelpyoungpeople to trusttheir “intuition”—while not saying a word about teaching them to think, orunderstandtheprinciplesof logic,orhavearespectforreason—thus implyingthat“intuition”isalltheyneed.“Intuition”hasaplaceintheschemeofthings,tobesure,butwithoutrationalityit isdangerouslyunreliable.Atbest, it isnotenough,anditisirresponsibletosuggesttoyoungpeoplethatitis.NoonehaseversuggestedthatCharlesMansondidnotoperate“intuitively.”

Ifthepropergoalofeducationistoprovidestudentswithafoundationinthebasicsneededtofunctioneffectivelyinthemodernworld,thennothingismoreimportantthanbuildingcoursesontheartofcriticalthinkingintoeveryschoolcurriculum.Andifself-esteemmeansconfidenceinourabilitytocopewiththechallenges of life, is anythingmore important than learning how to use one’smind?

Weare thinkingbeingsandwearecreativebeings.Recognitionof this factneedstobeatthecenterofanyeducationalphilosophy.Whenweplacethevalueofthesefunctionsattheforefrontofourcurriculum,wenurtureself-esteem.

Individual teachers and designers of curricula must ask themselves: Howdoes my work contribute to the process of young people becoming thinking,innovative,creativehumanbeings?

TheTeacher’sSelf-Esteem Aswithparents,itiseasierforateachertoinspireself-esteeminstudentsiftheteacherexemplifiesandmodelsahealthy,affirmativesenseofself.Indeed,someresearchsuggests that this is theprimaryfactor intheteacher’sabilitytocontributetoastudent’sself-esteem.4

Teachers with low self-esteem tend to be more punitive, impatient, and

authoritarian.Theytendtofocusonthechild’sweaknessesratherthanstrengths.Theyinspirefearfulnessanddefensiveness.Theyencouragedependency.5

Low-self-esteemteachersaretypicallyunhappyteachers.

Teacherswith lowself-esteemtend tobeoverdependenton theapprovalof

others. They tend to feel that others are the source of their “self-esteem.”Therefore, they are hardly in a position to teach that self-esteem must begenerated primarily from within. They tend to use their own approval anddisapproval tomanipulatestudents intoobedienceandconformity,sincethat isthe approach that works when others apply it to them. They teach that self-esteem comes from “adult and peer approval.” They convey an externalapproachtoself-esteemratherthananinternalone,therebydeepeningwhateverself-esteemproblemsstudentsalreadyhave.

Further, low-self-esteem teachers are typically unhappy teachers, andunhappy teachers often favor demeaning and destructive tactics of classroomcontrol.

Childrenwatch teachers in part to learn appropriate adult behavior. If theyseeridiculeandsarcasm,oftentheylearntouse it themselves.If theyhear thelanguageofdisrespect,andevencruelty,ittendstoshowupintheirownverbalresponses.If,incontrast,theyseebenevolenceandanemphasisonthepositive,theymaylearntointegratethatintotheirownresponses.Iftheywitnessfairness,theymayabsorb theattitudeof fairness. If they receivecompassionandsee itoffered to others, they may learn to internalize compassion. If they see self-esteem,theymaydecideitisavalueworthacquiring.

Furthermore,asRobertReasonernotes:

Teacherswith high self-esteemare…more apt to help childrendevelopproblem-solving strategies than to give advice or deny the significance ofwhatchildrenperceivetobeproblems.Suchteachersbuildasenseoftrustinstudents. They base their classroom control on understanding, jointcooperationandinvolvement,workingthroughproblems,caring,andmutualrespect. This positive relationship allows children to learn and to grow intheirconfidenceandabilitytofunctionindependently.6

What a great teacher, a great parent, a great psychotherapist, and a great

coachhaveincommonisadeepbeliefinthepotentialofthepersonwithwhom

theyareconcerned—aconvictionaboutwhatthatpersoniscapableofbeinganddoing—plus the ability to transmit the conviction during their interactions. “Ialwaysdidpoorlyinmathinschool,”aclientsaidtome,“andIalwaysknewIcouldneverdowell—untilImetateacherwhorefusedtobelieveme.SheknewIcoulddomath,andhercertaintyhadsomuchpower itwas irresistible.”Theabilitytoinspirestudentsinthiswayisnotusuallyfoundamongteacherswhohavelittlebeliefinthemselves.

Teacherswithgoodself-esteemarelikelytounderstandthat if theywishtonurture theself-esteemofanother, theyneedtorelate to thatpersonfromtheirvisionofhisorherworthandvalue,providinganexperienceofacceptanceandrespect.Theyknow thatmostofus tend tounderestimateour inner resources,andtheykeepthatknowledgecentralintheirawareness.Mostofusarecapableof more than we believe. When teachers remain clear about this, others canacquirethisunderstandingfromthemalmostbycontagion.

Sometimesitcanbedifficulttogoonbelievinginanotherpersonwhenthatperson seems not to believe in him or herself. Yet one of the greatest gifts ateachercanofferastudentistherefusaltoacceptthestudent’spoorself-conceptat facevalue, seeing through it to thedeeper, strongerself thatexistswithin ifonlyasapotential.(Thisisaccomplished,inpart,bymakingthestudentawareofchoicesandoptionsthestudenthadnotnotedandbybreakingproblemsdowninto smaller, more manageable units that fall within the student’s presentcompetenceandthusgivehimorherabaseonwhichtobuild.)Ateacher’sownself-esteemcanmakethistaskeasier.

Oneofthegreatestgiftsateachercanofferastudentistherefusaltoacceptthestudent’spoorself-conceptatfacevalue.

Forthisreason,whenIspeakatteachers’conferences,Ioftenspendmuchof

mytimetalkingaboutwhateducatorscandotoraisetheleveloftheirownself-esteem rather than about what they can do for the self-esteem of students.Remembertheguruwiththeweaknessforsweets.

Expectations To give a child the experience of acceptance does not mean, as we havealreadynoted,tosignal“Iexpectnothingofyou.”Teacherswhowantchildren

togivetheirbestmustconveythatthatiswhattheyexpect.Researchtellsusthatateacher’sexpectationstendtoturnintoself-fulfilling

prophecies. If a teacher expects a child to get an A—or a D—either way,expectations tendtobecomerealities.Ifa teacherknowshowtoconvey“Iamabsolutelyconvincedyoucanmaster thissubject,andIexpectyoutoandwillgiveyouallthehelpyouneed,”thechildfeelsnurtured,supported,andinspired.

Aclassroominwhichwhatiswantedandexpectedisthatonewillgiveone’sbestisaclassroomthatdevelopsbothlearningandself-esteem.

TheClassEnvironment If the primary goal of the educational system is one factor that hasconsequences for a child’s self-esteem, and if the teacher’s own self-esteem isanother,yetathirdistheclassroomenvironment.Thismeansthewaythechildistreatedbytheteacherandseesotherchildrenbeingtreated.

1.Achild’sdignity.Oneofthepainfulthingsaboutbeingachildisthatonetends not to be taken seriously by adults. Whether one is dismisseddiscourteouslyorpraisedforbeing“cute,”mostchildrenarenotusedtohavingtheirdignityashumanbeingsrespected.Soateacherwhotreatsallstudentswithcourtesyandrespectsendsasignaltotheclass:Youarenowinanenvironmentwheredifferent rulesapply than thoseyoumaybeused to. In thisworld,yourdignityandfeelingsmatter.Inthissimplewayateachercanbegintocreateanenvironmentthatsupportsself-esteem.

IrecallanincidentmanyyearsagowhenIwasinvitedtospeakataschoolforgiftedchildren.Duringmypresentation I invited the students to talkaboutwhatitwasliketobelabeled“agiftedchild.”Theyspokeenthusiasticallyaboutthepluses,buttheyalsospokeaboutminuses.Sometalkedaboutthediscomfortofbeingtreatedasa“familyresource.”Sometalkedaboutthehighexpectationsof theirparents thatdidnotnecessarily relate to theirown interestsandneeds.Theytalkedaboutwantingtobetreated“likenormalhumanbeings.”Andtheytalkedaboutthewaysevenlovingadultsdidnotnecessarilytreatthemseriously.Present in theroom, inaddition to thestudents,weremostof the teachers, theassistant principal, and the school psychologist. After the talk, a number ofstudents gathered around to ask me further questions. Then the assistantprincipal joined in and asked somequestionof a boywho looked to be abouteleven.Halfway through his answer, the school psychologistwalked over andstarted talking to the assistant principal—who turnedher backon theboy andlefthimstandingthereinmidsentence.Astonished,helookedatmeandspread

hisarms,asiftosay,“Whatcanyoudowhenyoudealwithgrown-ups?Theystill don’t get it.” I smiled in understanding and spreadmy arms, copying hisgesture,asiftosay,“Yeah,whatcanyoudo?”Ifthisassistantprincipalhadbeentalkingtoanadultratherthanachildandhercolleaguehadinterruptedashedid,withoutawordofapologyorexplanation,andifshehadturnedherbackontheadult speaking, without even an “Excuse me,” they both would have beenperceived as flagrantly rude. Except that, since an adult was involved, theyalmostcertainlywouldn’thavedoneit.Whyisdiscourtesyacceptableifdirectedagainst a young person? What message is conveyed? That respect is onlyappropriateforolderpeople?

2.Justice in the classroom. Children are extremely sensitive to issues offairness. If they see the same rules applied consistently to everyone; if, forinstance, they see that their teacher has the same attitude and policy whethertalkingtoaboy,agirl,aCaucasian,ablackAmerican,aHispanic,oranAsian—theyregistertheappropriatelesson,theyperceivetheteacherashavingintegrity,andtheirsenseofsafetyandsecurityisenhanced.Ontheotherhand,favoritism(and disfavoritism) poisons a classroom atmosphere. It encourages feelings ofisolationandrejectionanddiminisheschildren’ssensethat thisisaworldwithwhichtheywillbeabletodeal.Ateachercannothelpenjoyingonestudentmorethan another, but professionals knowhow tomanage their feelings.Theyholdthemselves accountable to objective standards of behavior. A child needs thesense that in the classroom, justice will prevail. A teacher who does notunderstand this can turn an eight-year-old into a cynicwhono longer cares togivehisorherbest.

3. Self-appreciation. When teachers help a child feel visible by offeringappropriate feedback, they encourage self-awareness. When they offer notjudgmentsbutdescriptionsofwhat they see, theyhelp thechild to seehimorherself.When they draw attention to a child’s strengths, they encourage self-appreciation.

However, teachers often tend to concentrate not on strengths but onweaknesses.JohnnyisgoodatEnglishbutpoorinmath,sothewholefocusisputonmath.Sincemathdoeshavetobelearned,thisisunderstandable,butitisamistakenonetheless.Themistakeisnotthattheteachersaysmathneedsmoreattention—itdoes; themistake is that the teacher treats thisasmore importantthanJohnny’sskill inEnglish.IfJohnnyisgoodinEnglish, that isareasontoencouragehim todomorewriting and reading, not less.Teachers tend to callparentswhenachildisdoingpoorly.Thereisreasontobelievethatcallingthemwhenthechildisdoingwellcouldbemoreproductive;inthelattercaseonecanstill addressnegativesbut not treat themas themost important element in the

situation. Help Johnny to be aware of and appreciate his assets. They mayindicatewherehispassionliesandpointthewaytohisfuture.

And evenwhen dealingwithweaknesses, a teacher can focus on Johnny’sdeficiency inways that hurt self-esteem: “You’ll never get anywhere in life ifyoucan’tlearnsuch-and-such—what’sthematterwithyou?”Ortheteachercaninspire him to extend his mastery to a new field, so that working on mathbecomesself-esteembuilding—“Youstickwithit,eventhoughit’stough.”Thefocusshouldremainonthepositive.

Sometimesachild isnot fullyawareofhisorherassets. It is the teacher’sjobtofacilitatethatawareness.Thishasnothingtodowithphonycompliments.Everychilddoessomethingsright.Everychildhassomeassets.Theymustbefound, identified, and nurtured. A teacher should be a prospector, looking forgold.Trytothinkbacktowhatitwouldhavebeenliketobeinaclasswheretheteacher felt therewasnomoreurgent task than todiscover thegood inyou—yourstrengthsandvirtues—andtohelpyoubecomemoreawareofthem.Wouldthathaveinspiredthebestinyou?Wouldthatbeanenvironmentinwhichyouweremotivatedtogrowandlearn?

Ateachershouldbeaprospector,lookingforgold.

4. Attention. Every child needs attention, and some children need more

attentionthanothers.Thereisonekindofstudentwhoisoftenignored.Thisisthestudentwhodoeshisorherworkextremelywellbutwhoisshy,retiring,andverysilent inclass.A teacherneeds tomakeanextraeffort tobring thischildout.Thismightbeaccomplishedbyasking,asoftenasnecessary,“Clara,what’syour opinion?”Or, “What do you think about that,Charley?”Sometimes it isusefultoasksuchachildtohelpsomeotherstudentwhoishavingdifficultieswiththework,sothatthechildhasanopportunityto“comeout”andexperiencebeingeffectivewithanotherperson.(Thepointisnotaltruism;thepointisthatthe child gets to experience being socially competent. “Peer facilitation,”observes educator Kenneth Miller, “is one of the best things happening inschoolstoday.”7Sometimesit isuseful toasktheshystudent tostayforafewminutes after class to formmoreof a personal connection—to send the signalthatheorsheisnoticedandcaredabout.

This is a signal that every student needs and deserves. Above all, what isneededisthemessagethatwhatthechildthinksandfeelsmatters.Thetragedyformany children is when year after year they do not get thismessage from

adults, at somepointwhat they think and feelmatters less to themselves.Theproblemiscompoundedwhenchildrenwho treat themselvesas if theydidnotmatterarepraisedfortheir“unselfishness.”

5.Discipline. In every classroom there are rules thatmust be respected iflearningistoprogressandtasksaretobeaccomplished.Rulescanbeimposed,by dint of the teacher’s power, or they can be explained in such away as toengagethemindandunderstandingofthestudent.JaneBluesteinwrites:

Whenweaskourstudentstodosomething,weusuallyhaveabetterreasonthanbecauseIsaidso.Tellingthemthereal,logical,andintrinsicreasonfora limitor a rule—so themarkersdonotdryout, so thatwedonotdisturbanyone on our way down the hall, so that no one trips and falls—buildscommitmentandcooperationevenfromrebelliousstudents.8

Ateachercanthinkaboutrules inoneof twoways.Sheorhecanwonder:

How can Imake students do what needs to be done? Or: How can I inspirestudentstowanttodowhatneedstobedone?Thefirstorientationisnecessarilyadversarialandatbestachievesobediencewhileencouragingdependency.Thesecond orientation is benevolent and achieves cooperation, while encouragingself-responsibility.Thefirstapproachthreatenspain.Thesecondoffersvalues—andpower, too.Which approach a teachers feelsmore comfortablewithhas agooddealtodowithhisorhersenseofefficacyasaperson.

Sometimes a teachermay feel that there is no choice but tomotivate by astudent’sdesiretoavoidanegativeratherthantogainapositive.Perhapsso.Butas an exclusive or dominant policy it is psychologically disempowering. Itmakesescapefrompainmoreimportantthanexperiencingjoy—whichleadstoself-contraction (the contraction of thought and feeling) rather than self-expressionandself-development.

In Teacher Effectiveness Training, Tom Gordon proposes that studentsparticipate in theprocessof rule setting—that theybe invited to think throughwhat an effective classroom requires—and this has the advantage not only ofstimulatingsuperiorcooperationbutalsooffosteringgreaterautonomy.

“The essence of discipline,”writesHaimGinott inTeacher andChild, “isfinding effective alternatives to punishment.”His chapter on discipline in thisbook is outstanding in the strategies heoffers formotivating students inwaysthatenhanceratherthandiminishself-esteem.

Disciplineproblemsoftenresultwhenchildrencometoschoolwithnegativeexpectations concerning the behavior of adults based on their experiences athome.Withoutconsciousawarenessoftheirmotives,theymaybedisruptiveor

hostile in class to evoke the kind of punishment they are used to; they mayprovoke anger because anger is what they “know” is in store for them. Thechallenge to a teacher is not to be “hooked” by this strategy and fulfill thestudent’s worst expectations. It can be difficult to preserve respect andcompassion when dealing with such students, but teachers wise and matureenoughtodosocanhaveanextraordinaryimpact.

Compassionandrespectdonotimplylackoffirmness.

Anexaminationof the strategiesofmaintainingclassroomdiscipline isnot

my purpose here. An excellent treatment of that issue, apart from the Ginottbook, may be found in Jane Bluestein’s 21st Century Discipline. Bluesteindisplays great ingenuity in illustrating how teachers can maintain disciplinewhilestrengtheningtheautonomyofthestudent.

Sheaddresses,for instance, thewell-knownbutoftenignoredprinciplethatmisconduct is better corrected by allowing a student to experience its logicalconsequencesthanbypunishment.Whenaclasswassluggishanduncooperative—repeatedly—aboutcompletingalesson,sheannouncedthatclasswouldnotbedismissedforlunchuntilthelessonwascompleted.Bythetimethestudentsgotto the lunchroomthefoodwascoldandmuchof itwasgone.Nextday,everylesson was completed and every desk was neatly cleared twominutes beforedismissaltime.“I’mstillamazedthattheyalllearnedtotelltimeovernight.”Shewrites:

In…authorityrelationships,misconductisaninvitationfortheteachertoexercise power and control. Our immediate response, in this type ofarrangement, isHow can I teach him or her a lesson? In a 21st-centuryclassroom, the lessons tobe learned fromone’smisconduct come from theconsequences of this misconduct, not the power of the teacher…. In theexample[ofthesluggishclass],thestudentsmissedlunchbecauseofapoorchoicetheyhadmade,notasapunishmentformisbehaving.Assoonasthestudentsgotthemselvesreadyontime,therewasnoreasonforthenegativeconsequence(delayinglunch)tocontinue.

Onelastwordonthissubject.Iflowself-esteemcanimpelsometeachersto

rigid,punitive,evensadisticbehavior,itcanimpelotherstothekindofmushy“permissiveness”thatsignalsacompleteabsenceofauthority—withclassroom

anarchyastheresult.Compassionandrespectdonotimplylackoffirmness.Acapitulationtodisruptiveelementsintheclassmeansabdicationoftheteacher’sresponsibilities. Competent teachers understand the need for standards ofacceptable behavior. But they also understand that toughness need not andshould not entail insults or responses aimed at demeaning anyone’s sense ofpersonalvalue.Oneofthecharacteristicsofasuperiorteacherismasteryofthischallenge.

To achieve the results they want, teachers sometimes have to exerciseimagination.Problemscannotbereducedtoalistofformulastrategiesthatwillfiteveryoccasion.OneteacherIknowsolvedaclassroomproblembygravelyaskingthebiggest,noisiestboyintheclass,whentheywerealone, ifhecouldhelp her by exercising his natural leadership abilities to persuade some of theothers to be more orderly. The boy looked a bit disoriented, evidently notknowing how to answer; but peacefulness quickly prevailed, and the boyresponsiblefeltproudofhimself.

UnderstandingEmotions Ifapropereducationhastoincludeanunderstandingofthinking,italsohastoincludeanunderstandingoffeelings.

Unfortunately,manyparentsimplicitlyteachchildrentorepresstheirfeelingsandemotions—orthosewhichparentsfinddisturbing.“StopcryingorI’llreallygiveyousomethingtocryabout!”“Don’tyoudaregetangry!”“Don’tbeafraid!Doyouwantpeopletothinkyou’reasissy?”“Nodecentgirlhassuchfeelings!”“Don’tbesoexcited!What’sthematterwithyou?”

Emotionallyremoteandinhibitedparentstendtoproduceemotionallyremoteand inhibited children. This is accomplished not only through their overtcommunicationsbutalsobytheirownbehavior,whichsignalstoachildwhatis“proper,”“appropriate,”“sociallyacceptable.”

Further,parentswhoacceptcertainteachingsofreligionarelikelytoconveythe unfortunate notion that there are such things as “evil thoughts” or “evilemotions.”“It’sasintofeelthat!”Thechildmaylearnmoralterrorofhisorherinnerlife.

An emotion is both a mental and a physical event. It is an automaticpsychologicalresponse,involvingbothmentalandphysiologicalfeatures,tooursubconsciousappraisalofwhatweperceiveasbeneficialorharmfultoourself.*Emotions reflect the perceiver’s value response to different aspects of reality:“for me or against me,” “good for me or harmful,” “to be pursued or to be

avoided,” and so forth. A discussion of the psychology of emotions may befoundinTheDisownedSelf.

Toceasetoknowwhatwefeelistoceasetoexperiencewhatthingsmeantous.Thisunconsciousnesşisoftenactivelyencouragedinchildren.Achildmaybe led to believe that emotions are potentially dangerous, that sometimes it isnecessarytodenythem,tomakeoneselfunawareofthem.Thechildcanlearntodisown certain emotions and cease to experience them consciously. On thepsychologicallevel,achilddeflectsawareness,therebyceasingtorecognizeoracknowledgecertain feelings.On thephysical level, a child inhibitsbreathing,tenseshis or her body, inducesmuscular tensions, andblocks the free flowoffeelings,therebyinducingapartialstateofnumbness.

I do not wish to imply that parents are the only source of childhoodrepression. They are not. Children can learn on their own to protect theirequilibriumbydisowningcertainoftheirfeelings,asIdiscussinHonoringtheSelf.However, it isundeniablethat toomanyparentsencouragethepracticeofemotionalrepressionbymakingitatacitconditionoftheirapproval.

Asthechildgrows,heorshemayslashawaymoreandmorefeelings,moreandmorepartsof the self, inorder tobe accepted, loved, andnot abandoned.Thechildmaypracticeself-repudiationasasurvivalstrategy.Heorshecannotbeexpectedtounderstandtheunfortunatelong-rangeconsequences.

A teacher is in a position to teach children a rational respect for feelingscoupledwithanawareness thatonecanaccepta feelingwithouthaving toberuledbyit.

Wecanlearntoownwhenweareafraid,andacceptit,and(forinstance)stillgotothedentistwhenitisnecessarytodoso.Wecanlearntoadmitwhenweare angry, and talk about it, and not resort to fists.We can learn to recognizewhenwehurt,andownthefeeling,andnotputonaphonyactofindifference.Wecanlearntowitnessourfeelingsofimpatienceandexcitement,andbreatheintothem,andyetnotgoouttoplayuntilwehavefinishedourhomework.Wecan learn to recognize our sexual feelings, and accept them, and not becontrolled by them in self-destructive ways. We can learn to recognize andacceptour emotionswithout losing ourminds.We can learn towonder:Whatmightmyfeelingsbetryingtotellme?WhatmightIneedtoconsiderorthinkabout?

Wecanlearnthatapainorfearconfrontedisfarlessdangerousthanapainorfeardenied.

We can learn that we are accountable for what we choose to do, but thatfeelingsassuchareneithermoralnorimmoral—theysimplyare.

Today, this is the kind of understanding some people gain only in

psychotherapy.But in the schools of the future, no onewill finish the twelfthgradewithouthavingbeenexposedtotheseideas.Theywillbeanintegralpartofeveryone’seducationbecauseoftheirclearimportancetotheachievementofadecentlife.

Wecanlearntorecognizeandacceptouremotionswithoutlosingourminds.

It need hardly be added that if a teacher is to succeed in teaching self-

acceptance,heorshemustbecomfortableinacceptingthefeelingsofstudents,must create an environment in which such acceptance is felt by everyone.Childrenwhofeelacceptedfinditeasiertoacceptthemselves.

Thispointwasmadepreviouslyinourdiscussionofeffectiveparentingandofnecessityitismadeagainhere.Indeed,virtuallyalloftheprinciplesidentifiedin the preceding chapter have application in the classroom. For example,handlingmistakeswith benevolence rather than as if theywere shameful; forreasonsItrustareclear,howateacherrespondstoastudent’smistakescanhaveanimpactontherestofthestudent’slife.

FewschoolstodayteachtheartofthinkingandfewerstillteachthethingsIhavebeensayingaboutemotions.Buttheschoolsofthefuturewillhaveto.

DealingwithOthers Anothersubjectwillhavetobeaddedatthegradeandhighschoollevel:theartofinterpersonalcompetence.

Ifself-esteemisconfidenceinourabilitytocopewiththebasicchallengesoflife,oneofthesechallengesistorelateeffectivelywithotherhumanbeings.Thismeans to relate in such a way that our interactions, more often than not, areexperienced as positive and successful both for ourselves and for the otherperson(s).Considerthattodayabout95percentofpeoplewhoworkforalivingdosoinanorganization—theyworkwithotherpeople.Iftheylackthesecurityandskillstorelatecompetently,theyareusuallybadlylimitedinwhattheywillbeabletoaccomplish.Anylistofthefourorfivemostimportantattributesforsuccessinanorganizationmentionstheabilitytoworkwellincooperationwithassociates.True, peoplewho relate poorly to others are sometimes successful,butitisthehardwayaroundandtheoddsareagainstit.

We know a lot about the skills that make for competence in human

interactions,andthisknowledgeneedstobepartofayoungperson’seducation.

Weknowalotabouttheskillsthatmakeforcompetenceinhumaninteractions,andthisknowledgeneedstobepartofayoungperson’s

education.

We know, for example, that the best relationships rest on a foundation of

respect for self and respect for the other. We know that win-win (mutuallybeneficial)negotiations, inwhichbothpartiesgainvalues,aresuperior towin-lose negotiations, in which one person’s gain is another’s loss (a theme,incidentally,thatisencounteredmoreandmoreofteninbusinessliterature).Weknowthatdealingwithpeoplefairlyandjustlyprovidesthesecuritytheyneedtogive theirbest.Weknowthataspiritofbenevolence,compassion,andmutualaid—without self-sacrifice—serves the interests of everyone. We know thatpeoplewhokeep theirwordandhonor theirpromisesandcommitmentsevoketrust andcooperation, and thosewhodon’t,don’t.Weknow thatwinners lookfor solutions and losers look for someone to blame.We know that verbal andwritten communication skills are of the highest importance, especially in theworkplace—and are in fact one of themost significant determinants of careersuccess.Weknowaboutactivelisteningandappropriatefeedbackandtheroleofempathy—and also aboutwhat happenswhen these elements aremissing.Weknowthattheindividualpracticeofself-responsibilityandthewillingnesstobeaccountablecangiveteamsasynergisticpowerobtainableinnootherway.Weknow that appropriate self-assertiveness can enrich, not subvert, team efforts,and that fear of assertiveness can sabotage them. We know that no humaninteractioncanbeoptimallysuccessfulifoneorbothpartiesareafraidofnormalself-assertivenessandself-expression.

Is this knowledge of less importance to a young person’s education thaninformationaboutgeography?

Inprovidingtrainingininterpersonaleffectiveness,weaccomplishtwogoalssimultaneously:Wenurtureself-esteem,andwebuildcompetenceinthatwhichlifeasksofus.

CompetenceandSkills We see, then, thatwhat students need from teachers if they are to grow in

self-esteem is respect, benevolence, positive motivation, and education inessentialknowledgeandvitalskills.

Necessarily,childrenarriveinanyclasswithsignificantdifferencesinability.Effectiveteachersknowthatonecanlearnonlybybuildingonstrengths,notbyfocusingonweaknesses.Consequently,theybuildcompetence(andself-esteem)by giving the student tasks geared to his or her present level of ability. Thesuccessesthatthisapproachmakespossibleallowthestudenttoprogresstothenextstep.

Ateacher’sjobistomakevictoriespossible—andthenbuildonthem.Sincetheexperienceofmasteringnewchallengesisessential to thegrowth

of self-esteem, a teacher’s artfulness in knowing how to calibrate thisprogressionisvital.

TheGradeCurve Oneofthemostunfortunatepracticesinschoolstodayismarkingstudentsonagradecurve.Thisplaceseverystudent inanadversarial relationship toeveryother student. Instead of wishing to be among bright students, one is givenreasontowishtobeamongdullones—sincethecompetenceofothersisathreattoone’sgrades.Obviouslythereneedtobecriteriaformeasuringprogressandforascertaininglevelofmasteryofasubject.Iamnotcriticizinggradesassuch.Butthesecriterianeedtobeobjective.Astandardthathasnoobjectivereferencetoknowledgeormasteryandthatmakeseverystudenttheenemyofeveryotherisnofriendtoself-esteem.

IfIcannotwriteatwo-pageessaywithouthalfadozengrammaticalerrors,thefactthateveryoneelseintheclassmadeoveradozenerrorsdoesnotmakemeanAstudentinEnglishComposition.IfIamtogrowandlearnasIneedto,Imustbeheldtoreasonablestandardsofcompetence.Toprovidethosestandardsis one of the responsibilities of educators. Resorting to the grade curve is adefaultonthisresponsibility.

CognitiveIndividuality In the past it was assumed that everyone learned the same way and oneteachingmethodcouldberightforeveryone.Todayweknowthatpeoplelearnindifferentways,havedifferent“cognitivestyles,”andthatteachingatitsbestisadaptedtothespecificlearningneedsofindividualstudents.9Thebetterschoolshavebeguntointegratethisunderstandingintotheirteachingmethods.

ToquoteHowardGardner,apioneeringtheoristincognitivescience:

Eachpersonhasauniquemixtureofintelligences,orwaysofunderstandingthe world—linguistic, logical, mathematical, spatial, musical, physical (theuseof thebodytosolveproblemsormakethings),understandingofothersandunderstandingofself.

Also,eachpersonhasadifferentlearningstyle.Somemayrespondbestto visual information, others to language (lectures, reading), others musttouchorengagethephysicalworldforthingstomakesense.

Onceweunderstandthis,itbecomesmalpracticetotreatkidsasiftheirmindswereallthesame.10

Systemshavebeendeveloped that identify the threeor fourmajor learning

stylesofpeople,sothatcoursematerialcanbepresentedinthewaymostlikelytobeeffective.Itissafetopredictthatthisisgoingtobeenormouslyimportanttotheself-esteemofyoungpeoplewhointhepastwouldhavehadtostruggletoadopttoacognitivestylelessnaturaltothemthantheirown.

The Obedient Student Versus the ResponsibleStudent

Letuscontrastmore traditionalwaysof teachingwith thekindof teachingthat nurtures self-esteem by way of a set of comparisons. What we arecomparing are the characteristics of the obedient student with those of theresponsible student—the student who experiences “the locus of control” asexternal to self versus the student who experiences “the locus of control” asinternal. The contrast helps us understand some of the goals of “the neweducation.” I have adapted this material from Jane Bluestein’s 21st CenturyDiscipline.

TheObedientStudentischaracterizedbythefollowingtraits:

TheResponsibleStudentischaracterizedbythefollowing

traits:

1.Motivatedbyexternalfactors,suchastheneedtopleaseauthorityandwinextrinsicapproval.

1.Motivatedbyinternalfactors,suchastheneedtoweighchoicesandexperiencepersonalconsequences.

2.Followsorders. 2.Makeschoices.

3.Maylackconfidencetofunctioneffectivelyinabsenceofauthorityfigures;lacksinitiative;waitsfororders.

3.Moreconfidenttofunctioneffectivelyintheabsenceofauthority;takesinitiative.

4.Self-esteemisdefinedexternally;feelsworthwhileonlywhenreceivingapproval.

4.Self-esteem:definedinternally—worthwhilewithorwithoutapproval(orevenwithdisapproval).

5.Feels“Iammybehavior”(andsomebodyelseprobablymademethisway).

5.Knows“Iamnotmybehavior,althoughIamresponsibleforhowIbehave.”

6.Difficultyseeingconnectionbetweenbehavioranditsconsequences.

6.Betterabletoseetheconnectionbetweenbehavioranditsconsequences.

7.Difficultyseeingchoicesandoptions;findsithardtomakedecisions.

7.Betterabletoseechoicesandoptionsandtomakedecisions.

8.Feelingsofhelplessnessandteacherdependencyarecommon.

8.Personalsenseofempowermentandindependenceiscommon.

9.Operatesfromanexternalvaluesystem(usuallythatofsomeoneimportanttohimorher,thatis,“significantothers”)thatmaynotbepersonallyappropriateandmayevenbeharmful.

9.Operatesfrominternalvaluesystem(whatisbestorsafestforhimorher),whilebeingconsiderateoftheneedsandvaluesofothers.

10.Obeys;maythink. 10.Thinks;mayobey.

11.Lacksconfidenceininternalsignalsandinabilitytoactinownself-interest.

11.Hasconfidenceininternalsignalsandinabilitytoactinownself-interest.

12.Hasdifficultypredictingoutcomesorconsequencesofactions.

12.Betterabletopredictoutcomesorconsequencesofactions.

13.Hasdifficultyunderstandingorexpressingpersonalneeds.

13.Betterabletounderstandandexpresspersonalneeds.

14.Limitedabilitytogetneedsmetwithouthurtingselforothers.

14.Betterabletotakecareofownneedswithouthurtingselforothers.

15.Limitednegotiationskills;orientationis“Youwin-Ilose.”

15.Betterdevelopednegotiationskills;orientationis“Youwin-Iwin.”

16.Compliant. 16.Cooperative.

17.Orientedtoavoidpunishment,“keepingteacheroffmyback.”

17.Commitmenttothetask,experiencingoutcomeofpositivechoosing.

18.Mayexperienceconflictbetweeninternalandexternalneeds(whatIwantversuswhatteacherwants);mayexperienceguiltorrebelliousness.

18.Betterabletoresolveconflictbetweeninternalandexternalneeds(whatIwantversuswhattheteacherwants);lessinclinedtoguiltorrebelliousness.

19.Maymakepoorchoicestoavoiddisapprovalorabandonment(tomakemyfriendslikememore).

19.Maymakepoorchoicestoexperiencepersonalconsequencesandtosatisfycuriosity.

MoralImplications Toanticipateoneof theconclusions towardwhich I amheading, Iwant todrawattentiontoonemoralaspectoftheshiftfromtheidealofobediencetotheidealofresponsibility.

Whereas the obedient student will, under different circumstances, sacrificeself or others (this has been the practice of obedient people throughout all ofhumanhistory),theresponsiblestudent,ideally,willbetaughttooperateoutsidethe sacrificeparadigm.This is implicit in the “win-win”philosophy, although,unfortunately, it has not been identified explicitly. At best, the responsiblestudent may learn a new concept of human relationships that rejects theproprietyofpracticinghumansacrifice.

Ontheonehand,heorshewillbefarlessreadytosacrificeothersinpursuitof personal goals. On the other hand, he or shewill be far lesswilling to besacrificedfortheallegedgreatergoodofsomeallegedhighervalue—thatis,forsomeoneelse’sgoals.Heorshewillbefarlesswilling,forinstance,tosacrificea personal life for the good of the company (or the tribe) andwill be far lesswilling todie (orkill) in awardreamedupby leaders for reasons that offendhumanintelligence.

Theobedientstudentwastaughtnot tochallengeauthority.Theresponsiblestudentispreparedtoquestion—andifneedbe,tochallenge—anything.Aswewill see more clearly in the next chapter, that is what the marketplace nowrequires.Morebroadly,itiswhatcivilizationrequires.

Self-EsteemCurricula A number of educators have designed specific programs for the schoolsystemaimedatbuildingtheself-esteemofstudents.IwillonlymentiontwoofwhichIhavepersonalknowledgeandthatIadmire.

IhavealreadyquotedfromonedesignedbyRobertReasoner:BuildingSelf-Esteem:AComprehensiveProgramforSchools.ThisprogramhasbeenadoptedbyasizablenumberofCaliforniaschools,anditssuccesshasbeenimpressive—measured in terms of improved grades and attendance, significantly reduceddropouts, teenage pregnancy, and drug addiction, and a massive drop invandalism. Indeed, most of the schools where the program is used weresubsequently ranked by an independent agency to be among the finest inCalifornia.

AnotherpowerfulprogramisConstanceDembrowsky’sPersonalandSocialResponsibility.11 The aim of this course is not self-esteem explicitly but thecultivationof self-responsibility and thedevelopmentof thekindof skills thatgenerate the experience of self-efficacy—which means it is a self-esteemprogram in everything but name. Designed for teenagers, it can be especiallyeffectivewithteenagerswhoareatrisk.Ms.Dembrowskyisinthefrontranksofthoseintheself-esteemmovementwhounderstandthattherootsofhealthyself-esteemareinternalratherthanexternal.Herfocusisonwhattheyoungpersonmustlearnanddotobecomeempowered.

Oneofmyhopesforthisbookisthatitwillcontributetothecreationofnewself-esteem programs for the schools designed specifically to develop thepracticeofthesixpillarsinyoungpeople.

The frustrations, pressures, and challenges teachers face test their self-esteem,energy,anddedicationeveryday.Topreservethroughouttheircareersthevisionwithwhich thebestof themstarted—tohold fast to the idea that thebusinesstheyareinisthatofsettingmindsonfire—isaheroicproject.

Theworktheyaredoingcouldnotbemoreimportant.Yettodoitwell,theyneed to embody (at least to a decent extent) that which they wish tocommunicate.

A teacher who does not operate at an appropriate level of consciousnesscannotmodellivingconsciouslyforhisorherstudents.

A teacher who is not self-accepting will be unable successfully tocommunicateself-acceptance.

A teacherwho is not self-responsiblewill have a difficult time persuading

othersofthevalueofself-responsibility.A teacherwho is afraid of self-assertivenesswill not inspire its practice in

others.Ateacherwhoisnotpurposefulisnotagoodspokespersonforthepracticeof

livingpurposefully.Ateacherwholacksintegritywillbeseverelylimitedintheabilitytoinspire

itinothers.Iftheirgoalistonurtureself-esteeminthoseentrustedtotheircare,teachers

—likeparents,likepsychotherapists,likeallofus—needtobeginbyworkingontheirown.Onearena inwhich thiscanbedone is theclassroomitself. Justasparentingcanbeaspiritualdiscipline,apathforpersonaldevelopment,socanteaching.The challenges eachpresent canbe turned intovehicles for personalgrowth.

15

Self-EsteemandWork

Self-esteem,which has always been an urgent personal need, has gained newsignificance in the last decades of this century. Changed social and economicrealitieshavecreatednewchallengestoourtrustinourselves.

Letusremembertheprimarymeaningofself-esteem.Itisconfidenceintheefficacyofourmind,inourabilitytothink.Byextension,itisconfidenceinourability to learn, make appropriate choices and decisions, andmanage change.The survival value of such confidence is obvious; so is the dangerwhen thattrust is missing. Studies of business failure tell us that a common cause isexecutivefearofmakingdecisions.Butitisnotjustexecutiveswhoneedtrustintheirjudgment;everyoneneedsit,andnevermoresothannow.

TheContext We live in a period when we are faced with an extraordinary number ofchoices concerning our values, religious or philosophical orientations, andgeneral life-style. We are very far from being a monolithic culture to whicheveryonemoreorlessconforms.AsIpointedoutearlier,thegreaterthenumberofchoicesanddecisionsweneedtomakeataconsciouslevel,themoreurgentourneedforself-esteem.ButhereIwanttofocusnotonthecultureatlargebuton the world of work—the challenges to economic adaptiveness both forindividualsandorganizations.

InclarifyingwhyIassertthattheeconomicneedforlargenumbersofpeoplewithdecentlevelsofself-esteemisunprecedentedandrepresentsaturningpointinourevolution,Imustaskthereadertofollowmethroughanumberofbriefhistoricalexcursions.Withoutthishistoricalunderstanding,Idonotbelieveonecan fully appreciate themoment in history atwhichwe have arrived—nor itssignificanceforself-esteem.

Theeconomicneedforlargenumbersofpeoplewithdecentlevelsofself-esteemisunprecedentedandrepresentsaturningpointinourevolution.

Everyone knows that there have beenmajor developments in the past few

decades in the national and global economy. These developments have allcontributed tomaking the need for self-esteemmore urgent for all thosewhoparticipateintheprocessofproduction,fromtheleaderofanenterprisetoentry-levelpersonnel.Theyinclude: 1. The shift from a manufacturing to an information economy; the

diminishing need for manual or blue-collar workers and the rapidlygrowing need for knowledge workers with advanced verbal,mathematical,andsocialskills.

2. The continuing and escalating explosion of new knowledge, newtechnology, and new products and services, which keep raising therequirementsofeconomicadaptiveness.

3.Theemergenceofaglobaleconomyofunprecedentedcompetitiveness,whichisyetanotherchallengetoouringenuityandbeliefinourselves.

4. The increasing demands on individuals at every level of a businessenterprise, not just at the top but throughout the system, for self-management, personal responsibility, self-direction, a high level ofconsciousness, and a commitment to innovation and contribution as toppriorities.

5.Theentrepreneurialmodelandmentalitybecomingcentraltoourthinkingabouteconomicadaptiveness.

6.Theemergenceofmindasthecentralanddominantfactorinalleconomicactivity.

Letusbrieflyconsidereachofthesepoints.1. The shift from a manufacturing to an information economy; the

diminishingneedformanualorblue-collarworkersandtherapidlygrowingneed for knowledgeworkerswith advanced verbal,mathematical, and socialskills.

Wearemanufacturingmoregoodsbyfarthaneverbeforeinourhistory,butwith far fewer people. In earlier decades roughly half theworking populationwasemployed inblue-collar jobs; today the figure is less than18percent,andestimatesarethatinnottoomanyyearsitwillbe10percent.Manufacturinghasbecomemuch less labor intensive; the cost of labor in the overall process of

productionhasdroppedandwilldropfurther.Thismeans,amongother things,thattheavailabilityofacheaplaborsupplyhasbecomeincreasinglyirrelevantintermsof competitive advantage. In theUnitedStates, themarket for unskilledlabor has shrunk appallingly—appallingly, that is, for those whose lack ofeducation,training,andbasicreading,writing,andarithmeticalskillsleavethemwithlittletocontribute.Thedemandtodayisforpeoplewithknowledge.

Thispointisessentialtounderstandingtheproblemofunemploymentamongtheuneducatedanduntrained,theso-calledunderclassofoursociety.Nolongerisitenoughtohaveonlymusclesortohavemasteredvariationsonthekindofphysicalskillsthathavebeenknownforhundredsandeventhousandsofyears;notifonewantsaccesstoagoodjob.Todayoneneedsaneducation.Oneneedsformaltraining.Orelseoneneedstobeextraordinarilygiftedatself-education.And one needs to understand that the process can never stop, because newknowledge begins to make one’s training obsolete almost as soon as onecompletesit.

Thesituationwasverydifferentintheearlydaysofbusiness.Then,thebossknew everything that was necessary to run his business. He might need theassistanceofafewotherpeopletocarryoutthework,butnotbecausetheyhadmastered knowledge of which he was ignorant. As businesses grew andtechnologyadvanced,companiesbegantoemploymanagersandengineerswithparticularareasofmasteryoutsidetheboss’s.Butstill,knowledgewasconfinedtotheveryfew.

Thinking and decision making were done at the top of the hierarchy andpasseddownthechainofcommand.(Thearmywastheonlymodelforalarge-scale organization anyone had. Creating the first modern steel mill, AndrewCarnegie sent his second-in-command to study the organization andcommunication system of the Prussian military and adapted many of itsprinciples to his industry. Previously, the largest ironworks had employed sixhundredpeople;Carnegie’schallengewastointegrateandmanagetheeffortsofsix thousand.) A few key executives projected the goals and formulated thestrategies and tactics the organization was to follow. A few bright engineersmadetheirowncontribution.Anyknowledgeorinformationaboutthebusinessoraboutthewidereconomiccontextwastheprerogativeofthissmallgroup.

Astotheoverwhelmingmajorityofemployeesinanorganization,theyweretoldwhatwasexpectedofthemandtheirsoleresponsibilitywasscrupulouslytocarryoutinstructions.Anidealemployeewouldbeonewhoseactionsmatchedtheconsistencyand reliabilityofmachines.FrederickWinslowTaylor,pioneerofscientificmanagement,summedupthisideatoHarvardstudentsin1909:Aworker’s job “is to find outwhat bosswants and give it to him exactly as he

wants.”Itwasassumedthattheworkercouldhavenothingvaluableorcreativetocontributetotheprocessofproductionormarketing.Thesystematthisstageofdevelopmentdidnotrequirefor itsoperationgreatnumbersofpersonswithfirmself-esteem,justasitdidnotrequireahighlyeducated,highlyskilledworkforce.

Today,whatweseeisnolonger“management”and“workers”butanintegrationofspecialists.

Lookedatfromtheperspectiveoftoday,itiseasyenoughtocriticizewhatis

now called “classical management.” Understood in its own context, we canappreciate its logicandbenefits.Aman in1912working, say,onanassemblyline,mightbeunabletoreadorwriteEnglish—hemightbeanimmigrantfromtheOldWorld—butbyconscientiouslycarryingoutthetaskhehadbeentrainedto do he could earn a living for himself and his family—a better and morereliable living than had ever been possible before. Frederick Taylor’s greatinnovationwastoanalyzeproductiontasksintosimple,discrete,easilymasteredsteps,whichnoonehadthoughtofdoingbefore,andwhichallowedpeople towork“smarter”ratherthanharder.Raisingworkers’productivity,heraisedtheirwages. A blue-collar employee of even modest self-esteem could learn tofunction effectively in an environment created for him, as it were, by thosewhoseself-confidenceandambitionwerehigher.

Astechnologyevolved,thedemandformoreadvancedlevelsofskillintheoperationofequipmentincreased.Buttherewasnodemandforhighereducationorcreativethinkingorself-management—orautonomy.Suchvaluesmightmakea substantialpersonal contribution to the average individual’s life, in termsofenjoyment and satisfaction, but not in terms of income. Not in the 1950s or1960s,attheclimaxoftheindustrialphaseofourdevelopment,whentheblue-collarworkerwasatthepinnacleofsuccess.Then,mostcollege-educatedmenandwomendidnotearnmore thanaskilledmachinistwhowasahighschooldropoutofverylimitedintellectualdevelopment.Itisaverydifferentstorynow,whenaccesstodecentjobsrequireseducationandtraining.

Today, in a complex business organization that orchestrates the knowledgeandskillsoffinancial,marketing,andsalespeople,engineers,lawyers,systemsanalysts,mathematicians,chemists,physicists,researchers,computerspecialists,designers, health careprofessionals, expertsof everykind—whatwe see isnolonger “management” and “workers”but an integrationof specialists.Eachof

thesespecialistshasknowledgeandexpertisenotpossessedbytheothersintheorganization.Eachisreliedontothink,tocreate,tobeinnovative,tocontribute.“Workers”become“associates”inanatmospherethatisbecomingincreasinglycollegialratherthanhierarchical.

Insuchasetting, interpersonalcompetenceisahighpriority.Andlowself-esteemtendstostandinthewayofsuchcompetence.

2. The continuing and escalating explosion of new knowledge, newtechnology, and new products and services, which keep raising therequirementsofeconomicadaptiveness.

In the 1990s, successful business organizations know that to remaincompetitive in world markets they need a steady stream of innovations inproducts,services,andinternalsystemsthatmustbeplannedforasanormalpartoftheiroperations.Consciousindividualsknowthatiftheywishtoadvanceintheir careers they cannot rest on yesterday’s knowledge and skills. Anoverattachment to theknownandfamiliarhasbecomecostlyanddangerous; itthreatensbothorganizationsandindividualswithobsolescence.

Scientificbreakthroughsandtechnologicaldiscoveriesarepouringfromourlaboratoriesandresearchanddevelopmentdepartmentsatanunprecedentedrate.Ninetypercentofthescientistswhohaveeverlivedarealivenow.

Untilveryrecently,forthehundredsofthousandsofyearsthathumanbeingshave existed on this planet, people saw existence as essentially unchanging.Theybelievedthattheknowledgepossibletohumanswasalreadyknown.AsIobserved earlier, the idea of human life as a process of advancing fromknowledgetonewknowledge,fromdiscoverytodiscovery,isonlyacoupleofsecondsold,measuredinevolutionarytime.

It can be argued that this new development puts the energy of economicnecessity behind our continuing evolutionary progress—compelling us toreconceivewhathumanbeingsarecapableof.

3.Theemergenceofaglobaleconomyofunprecedentedcompetitiveness,whichisyetanotherchallengetoouringenuityandbeliefinourselves.

In thedecades immediately followingWorldWar II, theUnitedStateswasthe undisputed industrial leader of the world. We were at the height of oureconomicpower.Withtheotherindustrialnationsstrugglingtorecoverfromthewreckage ofwar,we had no competitors.Ourworkerswere the highest paid.Our standard of living was beyond most of the world’s imagination, if notbeyonditsenvy.Communistandsocialistcountrieswerepromisingsomedaytosurpassus,butthatwasonlyapromiseforthefuture,withnothingtosupportitin the present, although it was a promise that many American intellectualsbelievedandpropagated.

Anoverattachmenttotheknownandfamiliarhasbecomecostlyanddangerous;itthreatensbothorganizationsandindividualswithobsolescence.

Businessitself—largebusiness—hadbecomeheavilybureaucratic,weighted

downwithmanylevelsofmanagement.Itdependedmoreoneconomiesofscalethanoninnovationtomaintaineconomicsupremacy,indulgingmuchundetectedfinancialwaste andmoving further and further away from the entrepreneurialspiritofanearlierage.(Governmentpoliciesplayedamajorroleinbringingthisdevelopment about, but that is another story.) Alfred Sloan, famed head ofGeneralMotors,oncesummedupthecarmaker’sstrategybysayingthat“itwasnotnecessarytoleadintechnicaldesignorruntheriskofuntriedexperiments,providedthatourcarswereatleastequalindesigntothebestofourcompetitorsin a grade.”1 One of the last great innovations of the American automobileindustrywastheautomatictransmission—introducedin1939.

The 1950s and 1960s were the time of the “Organization Man.” Notindependent thinking, but faithful compliance to the rules, was the road tosuccess.Nottostandout,buttofitin,wastheformulaforthosewhowantedtorise.Justenoughself-esteemtomaintainadecentlevelofcompetencewithintheframework that existed—but not so much self-esteem as to challenge basiccompany values or policies. What the company promised in exchange waslifetimeprotectionandsecurity.“Beacompanymanandthecompanywilltakecareofyou”wasthepromise.

Self-denial for the good of the company was a value that found a readyaudience,since,forthousandsofyears,humanbeingshadbeentaughtthatself-denialwas theessenceofmorality: self-denial for the tribe, forGod, forking,state,country,society.2

Unionswere at the height of their influence and power. Their leaders hadlittleapprehensionofthechangesthatlayahead.Certainlytheydidnotforeseethat by the 1980s, with virtually all their goals achieved, they would bethreatened with economic irrelevance, and, like a hemophiliac, would see anincreasingpercentageoftheirmembershipdrainingaway.

Freedommeanschange;theabilitytomanagechangeisatleastinpartafunctionofself-esteem.

“American industry runs on muscle,” a union executive announced. I was

sittingbesidehimonanairplanewhenhesaidit.Theyearwas1962.Hebegantodecrythe“disaster”ofautomation,assertingthatthousandsofworkerswouldbe permanently unemployed because of new machines and that “somethingought to be done about it.” I answered that this was a fallacy that had beenexploded often; that the introduction of new machines and new technologyinvariably resulted in increasing the demand for labor as well as raising thegeneralstandardofliving.Iremarkedthatautomationincreasedthedemandforskilledlaborrelativetounskilledlabor,andthatdoubtlessmanyworkerswouldhaveto learnnewskills;companieswouldhaveto train them.“But,”heaskedindignantly, “what about the peoplewhodon’twant to learn new skills?Whyshould they have troubles? Aren’t they entitled to security?” This meant, Ipointedout,thattheambition,thefarsightedness,thedrivetodobetterandstillbetter, the living energies of creative individuals were to be throttled andsuppressed—for the sake of those who had “thought enough” and “learnedenough”anddidnotwishtobeimposedonfurtherortothinkaboutwhattheirjobsdependedon. Is thatwhathewasproposing?His responsewas silence. Ithought:Freedommeanschange;theabilitytomanagechangeisatleastinpartafunctionofself-esteem.Soonerorlater,allroadsleadtoself-esteem.

Butchangewascoming,whetheranyone’sself-esteemwasreadyornot.At first, no one took the Japanese seriously. For a long time Japanese

productshadbeenassociatedwith lowquality, shoddy imitativeness, and totalunreliability. It was inconceivable in the 1950s or 1960s that one day JapanwouldsurpasstheUnitedStatesinautomobiles,superconductors,andconsumerelectronics—ordisplacetheSwissasthenumberoneproducerofwatches.

When,by1953,Japancompleteditspostwarreconstruction,itembarkedonanextraordinarypatternofgrowth thataveraged9.7percentannuallyover thenext twenty years. Leading this explosion was the triumph of the Japaneseautomobile. Between the 1950s and the 1970s, Japanese car productionincreasedonehundred times, catchingupwith theUnitedStates in1979, thenrushing on to surpass it. Japan became the leading producer of radios in the1960sandoftelevisionsetsinthe1970s.Inatotalbreakwiththepast,Japaneseproductsbecameassociatedwithhighqualityanddependability,mostnotablyinhigh-technology areas such as jets, machine tools, robots, semiconductors,calculators and copiers, computers and telecommunications, advanced energysystems, including nuclear power, and rocketry.Above all, itwas a victory ofsuperiormanagementstrategy—andtheironywasthatmostofthatstrategyhadbeenlearnedfromtheUnitedStates,whereitwasrarelypracticed.

Bythe1980stheUnitedStateswasfacingcompetitionnotonlyfromJapanbut other Pacific Rim nations as well: South Korea, Singapore, Taiwan, andHongKong.Thatwas from theEast. From the opposite direction therewas areborn and regenerated Europe—above all, an industrially powerful and fast-growingWestGermany.

ThereactiononthepartofAmericanbusinessatfirstwasdismay,disbelief,anddenial.Globalcompetitivenessofthisintensitywasanewanddisorientingexperience.Trueenough,therehadbeencompetitionamongthe“BigThree”intheU.S.automobileindustry,butGeneralMotors,Ford,andChryslerallplayedbythesamerulesandshared thesamebasicassumptions;nonechallengedtheotherstorethinktheirbasicpremises.TheJapaneseandtheGermansdid.

Global competition is a far more powerful stimulant to innovation thandomestic competition. Other cultures have other perspectives, other ways ofseeing things.Their ideasbringa richermix tobusiness thinking.But for thisreason, a higher level of self-esteem—and competence—is required to play inthis arena.At first,Americanworkers and executives refused to acknowledgethe Japanese might be pursuing practices worth emulating. The notion oflearning from themwasperceivedasdemeaning; instead, their initial responsewastodigintheirheelsandclingmoretenaciouslytothefamiliarwayofdoingthings.3 Sometimes, an additional responsewas to denounce the Japanese anddemandpoliticalprotectionagainstthem.Thisparallelsexactlywhatoneseesinthe practice of psychotherapy, when a self-doubting, insecure person blindlypersists in counterproductive behavior, clings to the illusory safety ofcompulsiveinflexibility,andblamesallmisfortuneonsomeoneelse.

Only the shock of devastating competition from Japan and GermanyawakenedtheU.S.automobileindustryfromitscomplacentslumber.Whetheritawakenedintimeremainsunknown.Withnosignificantinnovationsofitsownfordecades,itresistedradialtires,diskbrakes,andfuelinjection,firstputintoproductioncarsinEurope.Nowitisfightingback,andthequalityofAmericanautomobileshasgreatlyimproved;butitstilllagsbehindininnovation.

Globalcompetitionisafarmorepowerfulstimulanttoinnovationthandomesticcompetition.

Nor was this American industry unique in its slowness to grasp that the

contexthadchangedandthatnewpolicieswereneeded.WhentheSwisswereshown the first digitalwatches, their responsewas: “But this isn’t awatch; a

watchhasspringsandgears.”Whentheywokeup,theyhadlosttheirleadershipposition.

The United States is still—by far—themost powerful industrial nation onearth.With5percentof theworld’spopulation,wegenerate25percentof theworld’s industrialproduction.Noknowledgeablepersonever imaginedthatwewould retain the percentage ofworld production thatwe enjoyed in the yearsfollowing the Second World War, when other economies were in ruins. Norwouldithavebeenconsidereddesirable.Wewantedothercountriestoresurrectthemselves and helped to make it happen. Our output of goods and services,overall,ismuchgreaterthanithaseverbeen;asapercentageofgrossnationalproduct,ithasremainedconstantforoverfourdecades.Inresponsetochangingconditions we have already introduced major changes into our businessinstitutions—from restructuring and “slimming down” (getting rid ofsuperfluous layersofmanagement, for instance) tomuchgreaterconcentrationon quality and customer service, to new systems of organization andmanagement thatbettersupport innovationandadaptiveness toafast-changingenvironment.

Wearenowoperatinginacontextofconstantlyescalatingchallenge.

We do face problems ofmajormagnitude: an inadequate rate of economic

growth; an educational system that does not meet our needs; a deterioratinginfrastructure;adecliningstandardofliving.Towhatextenttheseproblemswillberesolvedorgetworseinthenextdecaderemainstobeseen.

Thepointnowisnotthatweareinirreversibledecline.Thepointissimplythat one of themajor changes in theworld,with ramifications for business ingeneralandourneedofself-esteeminparticular,isthatwearenowoperatinginacontextofconstantlyescalatingchallenge.Thechallenge is toourcreativity,flexibility, speed of responsiveness, ability tomanage change, ability to thinkoutside the square, ability to get the best out of people. Economically, thechallengeistoourinnovativeness—and,behindthat,toourmanagementability.Psychologically,thechallengeistoourself-esteem.

4. The increasing demands on individuals at every level of a businessenterprise,notjustatthetopbutthroughoutthesystem,forself-management,personal responsibility, self-direction, a high level of consciousness, and acommitmenttoinnovationandcontributionastoppriorities.

The older bureaucratic command-and-control pyramid, modeled after the

military, has progressively given way to flatter structures (fewer levels ofmanagement),flexiblenetworks,cross-functionalteams,adhoccombinationsoftalents coming together for particular projects and then disbanding. Therequirements of the flow of knowledge and information are determiningorganization,ratherthanpreconceivedmechanicallayersofauthority.

Theranksofmiddlemanagementhavebeenradicallythinned,notmerelyasa cost-cutting strategy but because computers have taken over the task ofrelaying information throughout the system, making the role of manager-as-information-relay-station superfluous.Knowledge ismorewidelydisseminatedand freely available than ever before, making it much easier for people tooperateathigher levelsofconsciousness in theirworkandconsequently tobemoreproductive.

Withouttheoldandfamiliarchainsofcommand,manymanagersaregoingthroughwhatmightbe termeda self-esteemcrisis:with linesof authority andpowerno longer clear-cut, they are challenged to findnewdefinitionsof theirroles. Their need now is to disengage feelings of self-worth from traditionalforms of status, or from the performance of particular tasks, and to base itinsteadontheirabilitytothink,tolearn,tomasternewwaysoffunctioning,torespondappropriatelytochange.Fromtheboardroomtothefactoryfloor,workisunderstoodmoreandmoreclearlyasanexpressionofthought.Asequipmentand machinery have become more sophisticated, the knowledge and skillrequired to operate them has risen accordingly. Employees are expected tomonitor them, service them, repair them if necessary, anticipate needs, solveproblems—inaword,functionasself-respecting,self-responsibleprofessionals.

Fromtheboardroomtothefactoryfloor,workisunderstoodmoreandmoreclearlyasanexpressionofthought.

Thebetter organizationsunderstand that themanorwomanon the floor is

likely toknowmoreaboutwhat improvementsarepossibleandnecessary—ingoods,services, internalsystems—thanthepeopleabovewhoaremoreremotefromthe immediateaction.Booksonbusinessandmanagementarefilledwithstories of contributions made by workers to the improvement of processes,services, andproducts.There are storiesofmenandwomengoing far beyondtheirjobdescriptioninresponsetounexpectedproblemstheytakeresponsibilityforsolving.Enterpriseandinitiativearenolongerperceivedasthemonopolyofafew“specialpeople.”Theyareperceivedastraitsappropriatetoeveryone.

Not that everyone manifests them. We are still in the early stages of theknowledgerevolution.But—increasingly—thereisincompaniestheopportunityforpeople todosoand thehope that theywilldoso.This in itself isacall tohigherself-esteem.

Amodernorganizationelevates thepracticeof teamwork tonewheightsofvirtuosity, while simultaneously requiring a core of individualism in eachparticipant—becausethinkingisanactivityofanindividualmind,andsoisself-trust,andsoare tenacity,perseverance,andall theothermind-traits thatmakeachievementpossible.

ToquoteCharlesGarfieldinhisstudyofthenewpoliciesandphilosophyofsomeofourleading-edgecorporations,SecondtoNone:

In an area that demands partnership [at every level], a time when ouremphasismustshift towardcooperativeefforts, theindividualparadoxicallytakes on far greater importance. We can no longer afford to operatecompanies in whichmasses of “hired hands” are chronically underutilizedwhilea few“heads”at the topdoall thinking….Competing inanera thatdemands continuous innovation requires us to harness the brain-power ofeveryindividualintheorganization.4

Thepressuretoremaincompetitiveisforcingarethinkingofeveryaspectof

internal business activity—structures, policies, reward systems, divisions ofresponsibility,managerialpractices(mindworkcannotbemanagedlikemusclework),andrelationshipsamongallthosewhoparticipateinachievingproductivegoals.

One of the lessons business has needed to learn is the importance ofentrepreneurship,notjustforbeginners,butalsoforwell-establishedindustries.

5. The entrepreneurial model and mentality becoming central to ourthinkingabouteconomicadaptiveness.

Whenwethinkofentrepreneurship,ourfirstassociationiswithindependententrepreneurs who start new businesses or pioneer new industries. And yetentrepreneurshipisessentialtothecontinuedsuccessof“bigbusiness.”Thiswasthelessonofthe1980s.

It is useful to think back to the early days of American business and toinnovators who launched this country on its meteoric growth—as a frame ofreference for understanding in what sense “the entrepreneurial mentality” isneededwithinlargebusinessorganizationsthathaveexistedforyears.

With the advent of capitalism and the emergence of the early Americanentrepreneurs, a number of shifts in people’s consciousness took place. It is

noteworthythatallhaveadirectbearingonourneedforself-esteem.

Thequestion,“Whathasyourbirthdeterminedyoutobe?”wasreplacedbythe question, “What have youmade of yourself?” In other words, identitywasnolongersomethingoneinheritedbutsomethingonecreated.

The idea ofprogress caught people’s imagination.The premisewas thatintelligence, ingenuity, and enterprise could generate a continuingimprovementinthestandardofliving—thatnewdiscoveries,newproducts,new expressions of human creativity could without limit keep raising thequality of existence. While mind was not yet fully understood to be thesupremecapitalasset,ithadbeguntomovefrombackgroundtoforeground,sometimesundersuchnamesas“competence”or“ability.”

Self-relianceandself-responsibilitywereseenassupremelyappropriateinthisneworderof things, in contrast to the conformity andobediencemorevalued in earlier, tribal societies. Independence became an economicallyadaptivevirtue.

Newideaswithcommercialapplicationwerevalued.Theabilitytoperceiveand actualize new wealth-producing possibilities was valued. Theentrepreneurialmentalitywasrewarded.

Not that these perspectives were understood and embraced equally by

everyone.Farfromit.Evenamongsomeofthebestbusinessinnovators,tracesof the authoritarian mind-set inherited from an earlier age were not fullyexpunged.Oldperspectivesandoldwaysofthinkingdonotvanishovernightorwithoutresistance.Thebattleforfullacceptanceofthisnewvisionisstillbeingfought.

The new economic system disrupted the old order of things. It was norespecterofauthority.Itoftendisregardedtradition.Itdidnotdreadchangebutgreatly accelerated it. Freedom could be intoxicating but it also could befrightening.

Entrepreneurship is by its nature antiauthority. It is anti-status quo. It isalways moving in the direction of making what exists obsolete. Early in thiscenturytheeconomistJosephSchumpeterwroteoftheworkoftheentrepreneurasthatof“creativedestruction.”

The essence of entrepreneurial activity is that of endowing resources withnew wealth-producing capabilities—of seeing and actualizing productivepossibilitiesthathavenotbeenseenandactualizedbefore.Thispresupposestheabilitytothinkforoneself,tolookattheworldthroughone’sowneyes—alack

of excessive regard for the-world-as-perceived-by-others—at least in somerespects.

In theearlydecadesofcapitalism,mencameoutofnowhere, startingwithnothingbutbrainsandambition,createdindustries,andearnedfortunes.Almostallthesemenstartedoutasworkersandalmostnonegraduatedhighschool(fewevenenteredit).Theywereachallengeandarebuketotheremnantsoffeudalaristocracy,to“oldmoney”anchoredinsocialpositionanddisdainfulofwork,who looked at these new wealth producers with dismay and resentment. Theentrepreneur was an impudent upstart, they told one another, whose activitiesgeneratedsocialdisequilibrium.Infact,herepresentedathreatnotonlytotheirsocialpositionbut also to their self-esteem.Whatwouldbecomeof them in asystemgearedtomeritandachievement,asjudgedbythemarket,ratherthantoinheritedstatus?

If capitalismoffered abroader arena for self-esteem tooperate in thanhadever existedbefore, it alsooffered challenges that hadnoprecedent in earlier,tribal societies—challenges to self-reliance, self-assertiveness, self-responsibility, andpersonal accountability.Capitalismcreated amarket for theindependentmind.

Thelargeorganizationsthatweassociatewithmoderncapitalismemergedinthe United States only after the Civil War, and in Europe after the Franco-PrussianWar—only in roughly the last 130 years. Throughout the nineteenthcentury, we remained predominantly an agricultural economy: most peopleearnedtheirlivingonfarms,andlandwasthechiefsourceofwealth,asithadbeen for thousands of years. We began as a nation of farmers and smallshopkeepers.Noonethencouldhaveimaginedthelargeindustrialconcernsandtheextraordinaryeconomicdevelopmentthatbegantoemergeinthelastquarterof the nineteenth century, beginningwith the railroads, as human energywasunleashedandbegantogathermomentum.

Capitalismcreatedamarketfortheindependentmind.

The average farmer or shopkeeperwas not an innovator.Hewas typically

moreself-reliant thanhispredecessors, tobesure,moreindependentandmoreresourceful—evidenced by the facts, among others, that he may have left hishomeland inEurope tomakeanew life inAmerica, and that the looser socialstructureintheNewWorld,thegreaterfreedom,threwhimmoreonhisownanddemanded greater self-direction and therefore greater self-esteem. But, within

theknowledgecontextof theperiod,economicadaptivenessdemandedofhimneitherhigh levelsof educationnor innovativeness.Hismind, learningability,anddecision-makingcapabilitieswerenotconstantlychallenged.

The individualswho saw themselves thus challenged andwere inspired tomeet the challenge—the entrepreneurs and inventors—were an almostinfinitesimalminority.Itistheywhowereresponsibleforthetransitionfromanagricultural to a manufacturing society. This led to U.S. leadership in steel,electricity, the telephone and telegraph, farm equipment and agronomy, officeequipment, the first household appliances, and, a little later, automobiles andaviation.

Attheheightofitssuccessinthiscentury,Americanbusinesswasjoltedoutof its complacency by foreign competition, and—against the resistance of itsown entrenched bureaucracy—forced to think again about the continuingimportance of entrepreneurship. Part of the stimulation for this new thinkingcamefromtheachievementsofsmallerorganizations,whichwerepointing thewaytothefuture.

In the last two decades there has been an explosion of entrepreneurship,almostentirelyinsmall-andmedium-sizedbusiness.Bythelate1980s,between600,000 and 700,000 new enterprises were started every year, as against onesixth or one seventh of these figures during the best years of the 1950s and1960s. While the Fortune 500 companies have been losing workers steadilysince the early 1970s, andmany of these companies have been struggling forsurvival, small-andmedium-sizedbusinesswasable tocreate roughlyeighteenmillionnewjobs;themajorityofthesejobswereinfirmswithfewerthantwentyemployees. Small-andmedium-sized business has displayed an innovativenessandflexibility—anabilitytorespondtomarketchangesandopportunitieswithlightningspeed—toooftenlackinginlarger,morecumbersomeorganizations.

They led theway in showing the path big businessmust follow if it is toremain competitive. While many companies are still struggling with theproblemsofbalancingtraditional,administrativemanagement,ontheonehand,andentrepreneurialmanagementontheother—thefirstisfocusedonprotectingandnurturingthatwhichalreadyexists,thesecondonmakingitobsolete—itisincreasinglyobviousthatentrepreneurshipcannotbetheprerogativeofsmallornew businesses. It is imperative all the way up to organizations the size ofGeneralMotors—andrightnowGMisstrugglingwithjustthischallenge.

In thecontextofbigbusiness, tobecomeentrepreneurialmeans to learn tothink like small business at its most imaginative and aggressive: to cultivatelightness, lack of encumbrance, swiftness of response, constant alertness todevelopments that signal new opportunities. This means, among other things,

radicallyreducingbureaucracyandfreeingunitstooperateentrepreneurially.In response to this need, increasing numbers of large organizations have

established autonomous or semiautonomous entrepreneurial units internally.Theirintentionistofreeinnovatorsfromtheobstructionsofmultitiered,change-resisting,bureaucraticmanagement.

More broadly, they are committed tomaking innovation a planned for andsystematicpartofnormaloperations.Theyarelearningtotreatitisadiscipline—somethingthatcanbelearned,organized,andpracticed.*

Themoreunstabletheeconomyandthemorerapidtherateofchange—themoreurgenttheneedforlargenumbersofself-esteemingindividuals.

If low self-esteem correlates with resistance to change and clinging to the

knownandfamiliar, thennever in thehistoryof theworldhas lowself-esteembeen as economically disadvantageous as it is today. If high self-esteemcorrelates with comfort in managing change and in letting go of yesterday’sattachments,thenhighself-esteemconfersacompetitiveedge.

There is a principlewe can identify here. In the earlier years ofAmericanbusiness,when the economywas fairly stable and change relatively slow, thebureaucratic style of organization worked reasonably well. As the economybecame less stable and the pace of change quickened, it became less and lessadaptive,unabletorespondswiftlytonewdevelopments.Letusrelatethistotheneed for self-esteem.Themore stable the economyand the slower the rate ofchange, the lessurgent theneed for largenumbersof individualswithhealthyself-esteem. The more unstable the economy and the more rapid the rate ofchange—whichisclearlytheworldofthepresentandfuture—themoreurgenttheneedforlargenumbersofself-esteemingindividuals.

6. The emergence of mind as the central and dominant factor in alleconomicactivity.

Themeaningofthisstatementisimplicitinalloftheforegoingpoints,butafewfurtherobservationsareinorder.

Inanagriculturaleconomywealthisidentifiedwithland.Inamanufacturingeconomy, it is identified with the ability to make things: capital assets andequipment;machinesandthevariousmaterialsusedinindustrialproduction.Ineither of these societies, wealth is understood in terms of matter, not mind;physicalassets,notknowledgeandinformation.

Inamanufacturingsociety,intelligenceistheguidingforcebehindeconomic

progress,tobesure,butwhenpeoplethinkofwealththeythinkofrawmaterials,suchasnickelandcopper,andphysicalproperty,suchassteelmillsandtextilelooms.

Wealth is created by transforming the materials of nature to serve humanpurposes—by transforming a seed into a harvest; by transforming a waterfallinto a source of electricity; by transforming iron ore, limestone, and coal intosteel,andsteelintothegirdersofapartmentbuildings.Ifallwealthistheproductofmindand labor,of thoughtdirectingaction, thenoneway tounderstand thetransitionfromanagriculturaltoanindustrialsocietyistosaythatthebalancebetweenmindandphysicaleffortisprofoundlyaltered.Physicallaborbegantomovealongadecliningarcofimportance,whilemindbegantoclimb.

As an extensionof human intelligence, amachine substitutes the power ofthoughtforthepowerofmuscles.Whilemakingphysicallaborlessdemanding,itmakesitmoreproductive.Astechnologicaldevelopmentkeepsevolving,theratio keeps shifting in favor of mind. And as mind becomesmore important,self-esteembecomesmoreimportant.

The climax of this process of development is the emergence of aninformation economy in whichmaterial resources count for less and less andknowledgeandnewideascountforalmosteverything.

Thevalueofacomputer,forinstance,liesnotinitsmaterialconstituentsbutinitsdesign,inthethinkingandknowledgeitembodies—andinthequantityofhumaneffortitmakesunnecessary.Microchipsaremadeoutofsand;theirvalueisa functionof the intelligenceencodedwithin them.Acopperwirecancarryforty-eight telephone conversations; a single fiber-optic cable can carry morethan eight thousand conversations; yet fiber-optic cables are cheaper, moreefficient,andmuchlessenergyconsumingtoproducethancopper.

Eachyearsince1979theUnitedStateshasproducedmorewithlessenergythan the year before. The worldwide drop in the price of raw materials is aconsequenceoftheascendancyofmindinoureconomiclife.

Themind always has been our basic tool of survival. But formost of ourhistory, thisfactwasnotunderstood.Todayit isobviousto(almost) thewholeworld.

Challenges In an economy in which knowledge, information, creativity—and theirtranslation into innovation—are transparently the source of wealth and ofcompetitive advantage, there are distinct challenges both to individuals and to

organizations.Toindividuals,whetherasemployeesorasself-employedprofessionals,the

challengesinclude:

To acquire appropriate knowledge and skills, and to commit oneself to alifetimeofcontinuouslearning,whichtherapidgrowthofknowledgemakesmandatory.

Toworkeffectivelywithotherhumanbeings,whichincludesskillinwrittenand oral communication, the ability to participate in nonadversarialrelationships, understanding of how to build consensus through give andtake, and willingness to assume leadership and motivate coworkers whennecessary.

Tomanageandrespondappropriatelytochange.Tocultivatetheabilitytothinkforoneself,withoutwhichinnovativenessis

impossible.

Such challenges entail the need to bring a high level of consciousness toone’sworkinglife,toitsdemandsintermsofknowledgeandskills—andalsoitsopportunities, the possibilities for growth and self-development it offers. Acommitmenttolifelonglearningisanaturalexpressionofthepracticeoflivingconsciously.

Indealingwithotherpeople, there is theneed for that levelof self-respectthatunderliesrespectforothers;freedomfromgratuitousfear,envy,orhostility;expectationofbeingdealtwithfairlyanddecently;andtheconvictionthatonecan have genuine values to contribute.Againwe are led to the importance ofself-esteem.

As an example, consider how poor self-esteem might show up incommunication.Peoplewithtroubledself-esteemoftenbelittletheirideas,evenwhileexpressingthem.Theycanturnfactintoopinion,confusingly,bystartingsentences with “I think” or “I feel.” They apologize before presenting a newidea.Theymakeself-deprecatingremarks.Theylaughtoreleasenervousenergy,thus laughing at inappropriate times. They suddenly freeze in confusion anduncertainty because they anticipate disagreement and “rejection.” They makestatementsthatsoundlikequestionsbyraisingthetoneofthevoiceattheendofa sentence. Not all communication problems are the result of inadequateeducation;sometimesthecauseisaself-conceptthatgeneratesself-sabotage.

Acommitmenttolifelonglearningisanaturalexpressionofthepracticeoflivingconsciously.

Or consider the issue of benevolence, goodwill, and the ability to interact

with others constructively, which relate to a positive sense of self. Men andwomenofhealthyself-esteemdonotseektoprovetheirworthbymakingotherswrong. They do not approach relationships with gratuitous belligerence. It isself-doubt and insecurity that see all encounters—with staff, superiors,subordinates,customers,clients—asovertorcovertwar.

Cooperative endeavors rest on the willingness of participants to beaccountable, which is a corollary of the practice of self-responsibility. Suchendeavors reston thewillingnessofpeople tokeep theirpromises,honor theircommitments, think about the consequences of their actions to others, andmanifestreliabilityandtrustworthiness,whichareallexpressionsofthepracticeofpersonalintegrity.

If more is offered to individuals than ever before in our history, inopportunitiesforfulfillment,achievement,andself-expression,moreisaskedofthemintermsofpsychologicaldevelopment.

Self-esteemisfarfrombeingtheonlyassetoneneeds,ofcourse—let therebenomistakeaboutthis—butwithoutittheindividualisseverelyimpairedandisineffectatacompetitivedisadvantage.

Toorganizations,thechallengesinclude:

Torespondtotheneedforaconstantstreamofinnovationbycultivatingadiscipline of innovation and entrepreneurship into the mission, strategies,policies,practices,andrewardsystemoftheorganization.

Togobeyondpaying lipservice to“the importanceof the individual”bydesigning a culture in which initiative, creativity, self-responsibility, andcontributionarefosteredandrewarded.

Torecognizetherelationshipbetweenself-esteemandperformanceandtothinkthroughandimplementpoliciesthatsupportself-esteem.Thisdemandsrecognizingand responding to the individual’sneed for a sane, intelligible,noncontradictory environment that amind canmake sense of; for learningandgrowth; forachievement; forbeing listened toand respected; forbeingallowedtomake(responsible)mistakes.

Since, in the1990sandbeyond, thedemandforsuchmindworkerswillbe

greaterthanthesupply,theywillbeinapositiontodemandsuchtreatmentand

to favor the companies that offer it, thus giving these companies an economicadvantage.Whenprospectiveemployeesaskthemselves,“Isthisanorganizationwhere I can learn,grow,developmyself, enjoymywork?” theyare implicitlyasking,whether they identify it or not, “Is this a place that supportsmy self-esteem—ordoesviolencetoit?”

Thesuccessfulorganizationofthefuturewillbeanorganizationgearedtoself-esteem.

It is said that the successful organization of the futurewill be above all a

learningorganization.Itcanequallybesaidthatitwillbeanorganizationgearedtoself-esteem.

BringingOuttheBestinPeople Leadersdonot usually ask themselves, “Howcanwe create a self-esteem-supporting culture in our organization?” But the best (themost conscious) ofthemdoask,“Whatcanwedotostimulateinnovationandcreativity?Howcanwemakethisthekindofplacethatwillattractthebestpeople?Andwhatcanwedotoearntheircontinuingloyalty?”

Thesequestionsarealldifferent,andyettheanswerstothemarelargelythesame or at least significantly overlap. It would be impossible to have anorganizationthatnurturedinnovationandcreativityandyetdidnotnurtureself-esteeminsomeimportantways.Itwouldbeimpossibletohaveanorganizationthat nurtured self-esteem, rationally understood, and yet did not stimulateinnovation,creativity,excitement,andloyalty.

Anexample:Somebusinessesareexperimentingwithtyingpayraisestotheacquisition of new knowledge and skills; employees are paid to learn, paid tomasternewareasofexpertise.Theassumption is that themoreknowledgeableandskilledtheyare,thegreaterthecontributiontothecompanytheywillbeabletomake.Butwillnotagrowthincompetenceverylikelyleadtoanincreaseintheexperienceofself-efficacy?

From the point of view of the individual, it is obvious thatwork can be avehicle for raising self-esteem. The six pillars all have clear application here.Whenwebring ahigh level of consciousness, responsibility, and soon toourtasks,self-esteemisstrengthened—justas,whenweavoidthem,self-esteemis

weakened.When I am invited by companies to teach how self-esteem principles and

technology can be utilized to stimulate higher performance, I oftenworkwiththe sentence-completion technique, askingparticipants in theprogram towritesix to tenendingseveryday,overaperiodof someweeks, for sentencestemssuchasthefollowing:

IfIbring5percentmoreawarenesstomyworktoday—IfIbring5percentmoreself-acceptancetomydailyactivities—IfIoperate5percentmoreself-responsiblytoday—IfIoperate5percentmoreself-assertivelytoday—IfIoperate5percentmorepurposefullytoday—IfIbring5percentmoreintegritytomyworktoday—

Stems such as these and dozens of others like them invariably stimulate adirectexperienceofwhatthepracticeofthesixpillarsmeans,notonlyforself-esteem,butalsoforproductivityandinterpersonaleffectiveness.

In this section I want to focus on self-esteem from the perspective of theorganization—thekindofpoliciesandpracticesthateitherundermineorsupporttheself-efficacyandself-respectofpeople.

Anorganizationwhosepeopleoperateatahighlevelofconsciousness,self-acceptance(andacceptanceofothers),self-responsibility,self-assertiveness(andrespect for the assertiveness of others), purposefulness, and personal integritywould be an organization of extraordinarily empowered human beings. Thesetraitsaresupportedinanorganizationtotheextentthatthefollowingconditionsaremet: 1. People feel safe: secure that they will not be ridiculed, demeaned,

humiliated, or punished for openness and honesty or for admitting “Imadeamistake”orforsaying“Idon’tknow,butI’llfindout.”

2.Peoplefeelaccepted:treatedwithcourtesy,listenedto,invitedtoexpressthoughts and feelings, dealt with as individuals whose dignity isimportant.

3. Peoplefeelchallenged:givenassignments thatexcite, inspire,and testandstretchtheirabilities.

4. People feel recognized: acknowledged for individual talents andachievements and rewarded monetarily and nonmonetarily forextraordinarycontributions.

5. People receive constructive feedback: they hear how to improveperformance in nondemeaning ways that stress positives rather than

negativesandthatbuildontheirstrengths. 6. People see that innovation is expected of them: their opinions are

solicited,theirbrainstormingisinvited,andtheyseethatthedevelopmentofnewandusableideasisdesiredofthemandwelcomed.

7.Peoplearegiveneasyaccesstoinformation:notonlyaretheygiventheinformation (and resources) theyneed todo their jobproperly, theyaregiveninformationaboutthewidercontextinwhichtheywork—thegoalsand progress of the company—so that they can understand how theiractivitiesrelatetotheorganization’soverallmission.

8.Peoplearegivenauthorityappropriatetowhattheyareaccountablefor:theyareencouragedtotakeinitiative,makedecisions,exercisejudgment.

9.Peoplearegivenclear-cutandnoncontradictoryrulesandguidelines:theyareprovidedwithastructuretheirintelligencecangraspandcountonandtheyknowwhatisexpectedofthem.

10. People are encouraged to solve as many of their own problems aspossible:theyareexpectedtoresolveissuesclosetotheactionratherthanpassresponsibilityforsolutionstohigher-ups,andtheyareempoweredtodoso.

11. People see that their rewards for successes are far greater than anypenalties for failures: in too many companies, where the penalties formistakesaremuchgreaterthantherewardsforsuccess,peopleareafraidtotakerisksorexpressthemselves.

12.Peopleareencouragedandrewardedforlearning:theyareencouragedtoparticipateininternalandexternalcoursesandprogramsthatwillexpandtheirknowledgeandskills.

13. People experience congruence between an organization’s missionstatementandprofessedphilosophy,ontheonehand,andthebehaviorofleaders andmanagers, on the other: they see integrity exemplified andtheyfeelmotivatedtomatchwhattheysee.

14.Peopleexperiencebeingtreatedfairlyandjustly:theyfeeltheworkplaceisarationaluniversetheycantrust.

15. People are able tobelieve in and takepride in thevalueofwhat theyproduce:theyperceivetheresultoftheireffortsasgenuinelyuseful,theyperceivetheirworkasworthdoing.

Totheextentthattheseconditionsareoperativeinanorganization,itwillbeaplaceinwhichhigh-self-esteempeoplewillwanttowork.Itwillalsobeoneinwhichpeopleofmoremodestself-esteemwillfindtheirself-esteemraised.

WhatManagersCanDo When I sat with a group of managers once, outlining the above set ofconditions, one of them remarked, “You talk about self-esteem, butwhat youhave described are conditions that stimulate active and creative employeeparticipation—thatstimulateinnovation.”Precisely.

For executives whowant to build a high-self-esteem organization I wouldstructureadifferentbutinevitablyoverlappinglistofproposals: 1. Workonyourownself-esteem:commityourselftoraisingthelevelof

consciousness, responsibility, and integrity you bring to yourwork andyour dealings with people—staff, subordinates, associates, higher-ups,customers,andsuppliers.

2.Whenyoutalkwithyourpeople,bepresenttotheexperience:makeeyecontact, listen actively, offer appropriate feedback, give the speaker theexperienceofbeingheard.

3.Beempathic:letthespeakerknowthatyouunderstandhisorherfeelingsaswellasstatements,whichisawayofgivingthespeakeranexperienceofvisibility.

4.Regardlessofwhoyouarespeakingto,maintainatoneofrespect:donotpermityourselfacondescending,superior,sarcastic,orblamingtone.

5. Keepencountersregardingworktask-centered,notego-centered:neverpermit a dispute todeteriorate into a conflict of personalities; the focusneeds to be on reality—“What is the situation?” “What does the workrequire?”“Whatneedstobedone?”

6.Giveyourpeopleopportunitiestopracticeself-responsibility:givethemspace to take the initiative, volunteer ideas, attempt new tasks, expandtheirrange.

7. Speak to your people’s understanding: give the reasons for rules andguidelines (when they are not self-evident), explain why you cannotaccommodate certain requests; don’tmerely handdownorders fromonhigh.

8.Ifyoumakeamistakeinyourdealingswithsomeone,areunfairorshort-tempered, admit it and apologize: do not imagine (like some autocraticparents)thatitwoulddemeanyourdignityorpositiontoadmittakinganactionyouregret.

9. Inviteyourpeopletogiveyoufeedbackonthekindofbossyouare:Iagree with someone who once said that “you are the kind of manageryourpeoplesayyouare,”socheckitoutandletyourpeopleseethatyouare open to learning and self-correction, and set an example of

nondefensiveness.10.Letyourpeopleseethatit’ssafetomakeamistakeorsay“Idon’tknow,

but I will find out”: to evoke fear of error or ignorance is to invitedeception,inhibition,andanendtocreativity.

11.Letyourpeopleseethatit’ssafetodisagreewithyou:conveyrespectfordifferencesofopinionanddonotpunishdissent.

12.Describeundesirablebehaviorwithoutblaming:letsomeoneknowifhisorherbehaviorisunacceptable,pointoutitsconsequences,communicatewhatkindofbehavioryouwantinstead,andomitcharacterassassination.

13.Letyourpeopleseethatyoutalkhonestlyaboutyourfeelings:ifyouarehurt or angry or offended, say so with honesty and dignity (and giveeveryonealessoninthestrengthofself-acceptance).

14.Ifsomeonedoessuperiorworkormakesanexcellentdecision,invitehimorhertoexplorehowandwhyithappened:donotlimityourselfsimplyto praise; by asking appropriate questions, help raise the person’sconsciousness about what made the achievement possible and therebyincreasethelikelihoodthatotherslikeitwilloccurinthefuture.

15.Ifsomeonedoesunacceptableworkormakesabaddecision,practicethesame principle as above: do not limit yourself to corrective feedback;invite an exploration of what made the error possible, thus raising thelevelofconsciousnessandminimizingthelikelihoodofarepetition.

16.Giveclearandunequivocalperformancestandards:letpeopleunderstandyournonnegotiableexpectationsregardingthequalityofwork.

17.Praiseinpublicandcorrectinprivate:acknowledgeachievementsinthehearing of as many people as possible while letting a person absorbcorrectionsinthesafetyofprivacy.

18. Let your praise be realistic: like parents who make complimentsmeaningless by praising extravagantly for trivia, you can make yourpositiveacknowledgmentsdevoidofforceiftheyareoverblownandnotcalibratedtotherealityofwhathasbeenaccomplished.

19. When the behavior of someone creates a problem, ask him or her toproposeasolution:wheneverpossible,avoidhandingdownsolutionsbutgive the problem to the responsible party, thereby encouraging self-responsibility,self-assertiveness,andintensifiedawareness.

20.Conveyineverywaypossiblethatyouarenotinterestedinblaming,youareinterestedinsolutions,andexemplifythispolicypersonally:whenwelookforsolutions,wegrowinself-esteem;whenweblame(oralibi),weweakenself-esteem.

21.Giveyourpeopletheresources,information,andauthoritytodowhatyou

have asked them to do: remember that there can be no responsibilitywithoutpower, andnothing sounderminesmoraleas assigning the firstwithoutgivingthesecond.

22.Rememberthatagreatmanagerorleaderisnotonewhocomesupwithbrilliantsolutionsbutwhoseestoitthathispeoplecomeupwithbrilliantsolutions:amanager,athisorherbest, isacoach,notaproblemsolverforadmiringchildren.

23. Take personal responsibility for creating a culture of self-esteem: nomatterwhat“self-esteemtraining”theymightbegiven,subordinatesareunlikelytosustainthekindofbehaviorIamrecommendingiftheydonotseeitexemplifiedbythehigher-ups.

24. Workat changingaspectsof theorganization’s culture thatundermineself-esteem: traditional procedures, originating in an older model ofmanagement,may stifle not only self-esteem but also any creativity orinnovation(suchasrequiringthatallsignificantdecisionsbepassedupachainofcommand, thus leavingthoseclose to theactiondisempoweredandparalyzed).

25. Avoid overdirecting, overobserving, and overreporting: excessive“managing”(“micromanaging”)istheenemyofautonomyandcreativity.

26. Plan and budget appropriately for innovation: do not ask for people’sinnovativebestandthenannouncethereisnomoney(orotherresources),becausethedangeristhatcreativeenthusiasmwilldryupandbereplacedbydemoralization.

27. Find outwhat the central interests of your people are and,wheneverpossible, match tasks and objectives with individual dispositions: givepeopleanopportunitytodowhattheyenjoymostanddobest;buildonpeople’sstrengths.

28.Askyourpeoplewhattheywouldneedinordertofeelmoreincontroloftheir work and, if possible, give it to them: if you want to promoteautonomy, excitement, and a strong commitment to goals, empower,empower,empower.

29. Reward such natural expressions of self-esteem as self-assertiveness,(intelligent) risk taking, flexible behavior patterns, and a strong actionorientation: too many companies pay lip service to such values whilerewarding those who conform, don’t ask difficult questions, don’tchallengethestatusquo,andremainessentiallypassivewhileperformingthemotionsoftheirjobdescription.

30. Give assignments that stimulate personal and professional growth:withoutanexperienceofgrowth,self-esteem—andenthusiasmforthejob

—tendstobeundermined.31.Stretchyourpeople:assigntasksandprojectsslightlybeyondtheirknown

capabilities.32.Educateyourpeopletoseeproblemsaschallengesandopportunities;this

isoneperspectiveclearlysharedbyhighachieversandbypeopleofhighself-esteem.

33.Supportthetalentednon-teamplayer:inspiteofeverythingwecansayaboutthenecessityforeffectiveteamwork,thereneedstobeaplaceforthe brilliant hermit who is moving to different music, and even teamplayersbenefitfromseeingthisrespectforindividuality.

34.Teachthaterrorsandmistakesareopportunitiesforlearning:“Whatcanyoulearnfromwhathappened?”isaquestionthatpromotesself-esteem;italsopromotesnotrepeatingmistakes;andsometimesitpointsthewaytoafuturesolution.

35.Challengethesenioritytraditionandpromotefromanylevelonthebasisofmerit:recognitionofabilityisoneofthegreatinspirersofself-respect.

36.Rewardgenerouslyforoutstandingcontributions,suchasnewproducts,inventions,services,andmoney-savingprojects:profit-sharingprograms,deferredcompensationplans,cashorstockbonuses,androyaltiescanallbe used to reinforce the signal that your organizationwants innovationandrespectsintelligentself-assertionandself-expression.

37.WritelettersofcommendationandappreciationtohighachieversandasktheCEOtodolikewise:whenpeopleseethattheircompanyvaluestheirmind, theyaremotivatedtokeeppushingat the limitsofwhat theyfeelcapableofachieving.

38. Set a standard of personal integrity: keep your promises, honor yourcommitments, dealwith everyone fairly (not just insiders, but suppliersand customers as well), and acknowledge and support this behavior inothers;giveyourpeopletheprideofworkingforamoralcompany.

Idoubtthatthereisoneprinciplelistedabovethatthoughtfulexecutivesarenotawareof—intheabstract.Thechallengeistopracticethemconsistentlyandweavethemintothefabricofdailyprocedures.

ALeader’sRole Everything I have said above clearly applies to leaders—the CEO orcompanypresident—asmuchastomanagers.ButIwanttosayafewadditional

wordsabouttheleader.Theprimaryfunctionofaleaderinabusinessenterpriseis(1)todevelopand

persuasivelyconveyavisionofwhattheorganizationistoaccomplish,and(2)to inspire and empower all those who work for the organization to make anoptimal contribution to the fulfillmentof thatvisionand to experience that, indoingso,theyareactinginalignmentwiththeirself-interest.Theleadermustbeaninspirerandapersuader.

Thehigher theself-esteemof the leader, themore likely it is thatheorshecanperformthatfunctionsuccessfully.Amindthatdistrustsitselfcannotinspirethebest inthemindsofothers.Neithercanleaders inspire thebest inothers iftheirprimaryneed, arising from their insecurities, is toprove themselves rightandotherswrong.

Itisafallacytosaythatagreatleadershouldbeegoless.Aleaderneedsanegosufficientlyhealthythatitdoesnotexperienceitselfasonthelineineveryencounter—so that the leader is free to be task and results oriented, not self-aggrandizementorself-protectionoriented.

If degrees of self-esteem are thought of on a scale from 1 to 10, with 10representingoptimal self-esteemand1almost the lowest imaginable, then isaleaderwhoisa5morelikelytohirea7ora3?Verylikelyheorshewillfeelmorecomfortablewith the3, sincepeopleoften feel intimatedbyothersmoreconfident than themselves. Multiply this example hundreds or thousands oftimesandprojecttheconsequencesforabusiness.

WarrenBennis,ourpreeminent scholarof leadership, tellsus that thebasicpassionin thebest leadershehasstudied is forself-expression.5Theirwork isclearly avehicle for self-actualization.Their desire is tobring “who they are”intotheworld,intoreality,whichIspeakofasthepracticeofself-assertiveness.

Itisafallacytosaythatagreatleadershouldbeegoless.

Leaders often do not fully recognize the extent to which “who they are”

affects virtually every aspect of their organization.They do not appreciate theextent towhich theyare rolemodels.Theirsmallestbitsofbehaviorarenotedandabsorbedby those around them,notnecessarily consciously, and reflectedvia those they influence throughout the entire organization. If a leader hasunimpeachable integrity,a standard is set thatothers feeldrawn to follow. Ifaleadertreatspeoplewithrespect—associates,subordinates,customers,suppliers,shareholders—thattendstotranslateintocompanyculture.

For these reasons, a person who wants to work on his or her “leadershipability”shouldworkonself-esteem.Continualdedicationtothesixpillarsandtheirdailypracticeistheverybesttrainingforleadership—asitisforlife.

ThePowertoDoGood Can the right organizational environment transform a person of low self-esteem intooneofhigh self-esteem?Notvery likely—although I can thinkofinstanceswhereagoodmanagerorsupervisordrewoutofapersonwhatnoonehad ever drawn out before and at least laid a foundation for improved self-respect.

Clearly there are troubled individuals who need a more focused kind ofprofessionalhelp—Iamspeakingofpsychotherapy,whichwewilldiscussinthefollowingchapter—andit isnotthefunctionofabusinessorganizationtobeapsychologicalclinic.

Thepoliciesthatsupportself-esteemarealsothepoliciesthatmakemoney.

But for the personof average self-esteem, an organizationdedicated to the

valueandimportanceoftheindividualhasanimmensepotentialfordoinggoodat themost intimate andpersonal level, even though that is not, of course, itspurposeforbeing.Andindoingso,itcontributestoitsownlifeandvitalityinwaysthatarenotremoteandetherealbutareultimatelybottomline.Thepoliciesthatsupportself-esteemarealsothepoliciesthatmakemoney.Thepoliciesthatdemeanself-esteemarethepoliciesthatsoonerorlatercauseacompanytolosemoney—simplybecause,whenyou treatpeoplebadlyanddisrespectfully,youcannot possibly hope to get their best. And in today’s fiercely competitive,rapidlychangingglobaleconomy,nothinglessthantheirbestisgoodenough.

16

Self-EsteemandPsychotherapy

In the1950s,whenIbeganthepracticeofpsychotherapy, Ibecameconvincedthatlowself-esteemwasacommondenominatorinallthevarietiesofpersonaldistress I encountered inmypractice. I saw low self-esteemas apredisposingcausal factor of psychological problems and also a consequence. Therelationshipwasreciprocal.AsIsaidintheIntroduction,thiswastherealizationthatignitedmyfascinationwiththesubject.

Sometimes problems could be understood as direct expressions of anunderdeveloped self-esteem—for example, shyness, timidity, and fear of self-assertionorintimacy.Sometimesproblemscouldbeunderstoodasconsequencesofthedenialofpoorself-esteem,thatis,asdefensesbuiltagainsttherealityofthe problem—for example, controlling and manipulative behavior, obsessive-compulsive rituals, inappropriate aggressiveness, fear-driven sexuality,destructive forms of ambition—all aiming to produce some experience ofefficacy, control, and personalworth. It seemed clear that problems thatweremanifestations of poor self-esteem were also contributors to the continuingdeteriorationofself-esteem.

Consequently, it was my view from the beginning that a primary task ofpsychotherapyis tohelpbuildself-esteem.Thiswasnot theperspectiveofmycolleagues.Self-esteemwas rarely considered at all, and insofar as itwas, thetraditional assumptionwas (and is) that self-esteemwill benefit indirectly andimplicitly,asaby-productofpsychotherapy:asotherproblemsare solved, theclientwillnaturallyfeelbetterabouthim-orherself.Itistruethatwhenanxietyand depression are diminished, the client feels stronger. It is also true thatdeveloping self-esteem diminishes anxiety and depression. I thought that self-esteemcanandshouldbeaddressedexplicitly; that itshouldset thecontextoftheentiretherapeuticenterprise;andthatevenwhenoneisnotworkingonitassuch,evenwhenoneisfocusedinsteadonsolvingspecificproblems,onecando

so by framing or contextualizing the process in such a way as to make itexplicitlyself-esteemstrengthening.Forexample,almostallschoolsoftherapyhelp clients to confront previously avoided conflicts or challenges. But Itypically ask, “How do you feel about yourself when you avoid an issue youknow,atsomelevel,needstobedealtwith?Andhowdoyoufeelaboutyourselfwhenyoumasteryouravoidanceimpulsesandconfrontthethreateningissue?”Iframetheprocessintermsofitsconsequencesforself-esteem.Iwantclientstonoticehowtheirchoicesandactionsaffecttheirexperienceofthemselves.Iseethis awareness as apowerfulmotivator forgrowth; it oftenhelps inmanagingandtranscendingfear.

Itwasmyviewfromthebeginningthataprimarytaskofpsychotherapyistohelpbuildself-esteem.

Mypurposeinthischapterisnottodiscussthetechniqueofpsychotherapy

as such, but merely to offer a few general observations about building self-esteeminapsychotherapeuticcontextandtosuggestsomethingofmyapproach.Thischapterisaddressednotonlytotheclinicianortostudentsoftherapybuttoanyone thinking about therapy who would like to understand the self-esteemorientationasaframeofreference.

TheGoalsofPsychotherapy Psychotherapyhas twobasicgoals.One is thealleviationof suffering.Theother is thefacilitationandenhancementofwell-being.While the twoprojectsoverlap,theyarenotthesame.Toreduceoreliminateanxietyisnotequivalentto generating self-esteem, although it can contribute to that end. To reduce oreliminatedepressionisnotequivalenttogeneratinghappiness,although,again,itcancontributetothatend.

On the one hand, psychotherapy aims to reduce irrational fears, depressivereactions,andtroublesomefeelingsofeverykind(perhapsfrompast traumaticexperiences).On theotherhand, it encourages the learningofnewskills, newwaysofthinkingaboutandlookingatlife,betterstrategiesfordealingwithselfandothers,andanexpandedsenseofone’spossibilities.Iplaceboththesegoalsinthecontextofaimingtostrengthenself-esteem.

Raisingself-esteemismorethanamatterofeliminatingnegatives;itrequires

theattainmentofpositives.Itrequiresahigherlevelofconsciousnessinthewayonefunctions.Itrequiresgreaterself-responsibilityandintegrity.Itrequiresthewillingnesstomovethroughfeartoconfrontconflictsanddiscomfitingrealities.Itrequireslearningtofaceandmasterratherthanwithdrawandavoid.

Raisingself-esteemismorethanamatterofeliminatingnegatives;itrequirestheattainmentofpositives.

If someoneenters therapyandat theendof theprocessdoesnot livemore

consciously than at the beginning, the work has failed. If in the course oftreatmenttheclientdoesnotgrowinself-acceptance,self-responsibility,andalltheotherpracticesthatsupportself-esteem,wewouldalsohavetoquestionthetherapeutic experience. Regardless of school, any effective therapy promotesgrowth along these dimensions, at least to some extent. But if a therapistunderstands the importance of the six practices and cultivates them as aconsciousproject,heorshe ismore likely toproduceconsistent results.Heorshe is challenged to develop means—cognitive, behavioral, experiential—thatwillpromoteself-esteem.

Ifonetherapeuticgoalistoencourageahigherlevelofconsciousnessintheclient,sothattheclientlivesmoremindfullyandwithbetterrealitycontact,thenthrough conversation, psychological exercises and processes, body and energywork, and homework assignments, one can work at removing blocks toawareness,ontheonehand,andstimulateandenergizehigherconsciousness,ontheother.

If another goal is to inspire greater self-acceptance, then one can create aclimateofacceptanceintheoffice,leadtheclienttoidentifyandreownblockedand disowned parts of the self, and teach the importance of being in anonadversarial relationship to oneself and its parts (see my discussion ofsubpersonalitiesbelow).

Ifanothergoalistostrengthenself-responsibility,thenonecanfrustratetheclient’smaneuvers to transfer responsibility to the therapist, facilitate throughexercises the client’s appreciation of the rewards of self-responsibility, andconvey by everymeans possible that no one is coming to the rescue and thateachofus is responsible forourchoicesandactionsand for theattainmentofourdesires.

If another goal is to encourage self-assertiveness, then one can create anenvironment in which self-assertion will be safe, teach self-assertion through

exercisessuchassentence-completion,psychodrama,role-playing,andthe like—work to defuse or neutralize fears of self-assertiveness—and activelyencourage the client in facing and dealing with threatening conflicts andchallenges.

Ifanothergoalistosupportlivingpurposefully,thenonecanconveytheroleand importance of purpose in life, assist in the client’s clarification andarticulation of goals, explore action plans, strategies, and tactics and theirnecessityforgoalattainment,andworktoawakentheclienttotherewardsofalifethatisproactiveandpurposefulratherthanreactiveandpassive.

Ifanothergoalistoencouragepersonalintegrity,thenoneneedstofocusonvalues clarification, inner moral confusions and conflicts, the importance ofchoosingvaluesthatinfactdosupportone’slifeandwell-being,thebenefitsoflivingcongruentlywithone’sconvictions,andthepainofself-betrayal.

I shall not elaborate further on these points. I mention them primarily tosuggest a way of thinking about psychotherapy when the cultivation of self-esteemisacentralgoal.

TheClimateofTherapy As with parents and teachers, an unrelenting attitude of acceptance andrespectisperhapsthefirstwayinwhichapsychotherapistcancontributetotheself-esteemofaclient.Itisthefoundationofusefultherapy.

This attitude is conveyed in howwe greet clients when they arrive in theoffice,howwelookatthem,howwetalk,andhowwelisten.Thisentailssuchmatters as courtesy, eye contact, being noncondescending and nonmoralistic,listening attentively, being concerned with understanding and with beingunderstood, being appropriately spontaneous, refusing tobe cast in the roleofomniscient authority, and refusing tobelieve the client is incapableofgrowth.The respect is unrelenting, whatever the client’s behavior. The message isconveyed: A human being is an entity deserving respect; you are an entitydeservingrespect.Aclient,forwhombeingtreatedinthismannermaybearareorevenuniqueexperience,maybestimulatedovertimetobegintorestructurehisorherself-concept.CarlRogersmadeacceptanceandrespectthecoreofhisapproachtotherapy,sopowerfuldidheunderstanditsimpacttobe.

Irecallaclientoncesayingtome,“Lookingbackoverourtherapy,Ifeelthatnothing else that happened was quite so impactful as the simple fact that Ialwaysfeltrespectedbyyou.IpulledeverythingIcouldtomakeyoudespisemeandthrowmeout.Ikepttryingtomakeyouactlikemyfather.Yourefusedto

cooperate. Somehow, I had to deal with that, I had to let that in, which wasdifficultatfirst,butasIdidthetherapybegantotakehold.”

Atherapistisnotacheerleader.

Whenaclientisdescribingfeelingsoffear,orpain,oranger,itisnothelpful

torespondwith,“Oh,youshouldn’tfeelthat!”Atherapistisnotacheerleader.There is value in expressing feelings without having to deal with criticism,condemnation, sarcasm, distracting questions, or lectures. The process ofexpressionisoftenintrinsicallyhealing.Atherapistwhoisuncomfortablewithstrongfeelingsneedstoworkonhim-orherself.Tobeabletolistenserenelyandwithempathyisbasictothehealingarts.(Itisalsobasictoauthenticfriendship,to say nothing of love.)When the client’s need for emotional expression hasbeenmet,thenitsometimescanbeusefultoinvitehimorhertoexplorefeelingsmore deeply and examine underlying assumptions that may need to bequestioned.

Onecansubscribetothemeritofacceptanceandrespectintheabstract,butits implementation, even among well-intentioned therapists, is not alwaysobvious. I am not thinking primarily of such obviousmistakes as resorting tosarcasm,moralcondemnation,orotherdemeaningbehavior.Iamthinkingofthesubtlerformsofauthoritativeness,one-upmanship,“You’redoomedwithoutmyguidance,”andsoforth,thatputtheclientinaninferiorpositionandhintatthetherapist’s omniscience. Psychoanalysis, which took its model from thetraditional physician-patient relationship, may be especially vulnerable to thiserror,but theerrorcan showup inany schoolof therapy.Theerrormayhaveless to dowith the theoretical orientation of the therapist thanwith his or herability tomanagepersonalneeds forappreciationandadmiration. I like to tellstudents, “The goal is not to prove that you are brilliant.The goal is to assistclientstodiscoverthattheyarebrilliant.”

ThisisoneofthereasonsIfavorexperientiallearningoverexplicitteaching(without denying that sometimes explicit teaching can be appropriate). Inexperiential learning, which often entails the use of psychological exercises,processes, homework assignments, and the like, the client discovers relevantrealities rather than hears about them from an authority. Autonomy isstrengthenedintheverynatureofthelearningprocess.

Uncoveringthe“Bright”Side Mostpeoplewhoseekpsychotherapyhaveasoneof theirbasicgoals self-understanding.Theywanttofeelvisibletotheirtherapistandtheywanttogainclearervisibilitytothemselves.

To many people—and here the influence of traditional psychoanalysis isprofound—self-understanding is primarily associated with the uncovering ofdark secrets. Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, said somewhere that thedifferencebetweenpsychoanalysisanddetectiveworkisthat,forthedetective,thecrimeisknownandthechallengeistodiscovertheidentityofthecriminal,whereas to the psychoanalyst, the criminal is known and the challenge is todiscover the crime. Even if one takes this as a bit of poetry not to be takenliterally, it has rather unpleasant implications. Many clinicians who are notnecessarily psychoanalysts share this mind-set. Their professional pride iscenteredontheirabilitytoleadtheclienttoconfront“thedarkside”(inJungianterminology,“theShadow”)andtointegrateratherthandisownit.Thiscanbeanecessary and important project, to be sure. However, a self-esteem-orientedtherapyhasdifferentpriorities—adifferentemphasis.

Thereisnoneedlessrecognizedinmostpeoplethantheneedtocontacttheirunidentified(andpossiblydisowned)resources.This is theneed tounderstandthe strengths they do not know they possess, the potentials they have neverexplored, the capacity for self-healing and self-development they have neversummoned. A fundamental distinction among therapists, whatever theirtheoreticalorientation, iswhether they thinkof their taskprimarily in termsofuncoveringassetsorshortcomings,virtuesorflaws,deficitsorresources.Self-esteem-oriented psychotherapy focuses on positives—on the uncovering andactivating of strengths—as the highest priority. It deals with negatives ofnecessitybutalwaysinthecontextofthepositivefocusandemphasis.

Everyonewhohasanyfamiliaritywithpsychologyknowsabout thedangerofdisowning themurdererwithin.Far fewerpeopleunderstand the tragedyofdisowningtheherowithin.Inpsychotherapy, it isofteneasyenoughtoseethepartof the individual that isneurotic.Thechallengeis tosee—andmobilize—thatpartthatishealthy.

Everyonewhohasanyfamiliaritywithpsychologyknowsaboutthedangerofdisowningthemurdererwithin.Farfewerpeopleunderstandthetragedyof

disowningtheherowithin.

Sometimes we are simply ignorant of our positive resources. We do not

recognizeallwearecapableof.Sometimes,however,werepressourknowledge.I rememberworkingmanyyearsagowithayoungwomanina therapygroup.Shewasquite comfortable saying themostoutrageouslynegative (andunjust)thingsaboutherself.Iaskedher,asanexperiment,tostandfacingthegroupandsayaloud, repeatedly,“The truth is, I’mactuallyhighly intelligent.”Hervoicechoked and at first she could not do it. Then I helped her to say it—and shebegan to weep. So I gave her the sentence stem: The bad thing aboutadmittingmyintelligenceis—.Herewereherfirstendings:

Myfamilywillhateme.Nooneinmyfamilyissupposedtohaveamind.Mysistersandbrotherswillbejealous.Iwon’tbelonganywhere.I’llhavetotakeresponsibilityformylife.

ThenIgaveherthestem:IfIweretobringmyintelligencetobearonmyproblems—.Herendingsincluded:

IwouldknowthatI’malreadyresponsibleformylifewhetherIadmititornot.

IwouldseethatI’mlivinginthepast.IwouldknowthatI’mnotalittlegirlanymore.Iwouldseethatit’sthelittlegirlwho’sscared,notmetheadult.Iwouldtakepossessionofmylife.

Then I gave her the stem: The frightening thing about admitting mystrengthsis—.Herendingsincluded:

Noonewouldfeelsorryforme[laughing].I’dmoveintounfamiliarterritory.I’dhavetotakeafreshlookatmyboyfriend.I’dknownothingisholdingmebackbutme.Imightbealone.I’dhavetolearnanewwayofliving.

Supposepeopleputexpectationsonme.I’dhavetolearntoassertmyself.Itdoesn’tfeelfrighteningrightnow!

There are any number ofways skillful therapists put clients in touchwiththeir positive resources, and it is not necessary to explore themhere.What isimportant here is only the basic issue: Is the therapist primarily oriented toliabilities or assets? (One cannot always take a therapist’s word for it, either,sincebehavioroftendiffersfromprofessedbelief.)OneofthesecretsofVirginiaSatir’sgreatgiftsasafamilytherapistwasherconvictionthatpeoplepossessedalltheresourcestheyneededtosolvetheirproblems,andherabilitytotransmitthat conviction to the people with whom she worked. In terms of producingresults,itisoneofthemostimportantabilitiesapsychotherapistcanpossess.

SurvivalStrategies Clientsneedtounderstandthathumansare,bynature,problemsolvers.Thesolutions we produce, in response to the difficulties and challenges weencounter,aimconsciouslyorsubconsciouslyatfillingourneeds.Sometimesthemeanswe adopt are impractical and even self-destructive—“neurotic”—but atsome level our intention is to take care of ourselves. Even suicide can beunderstood as a tragic effort at self-care, perhaps escape from intolerablesuffering.

Whenweareyoungwemaydisownandrepressfeelingsandemotionsthatevokethedisapprovalofsignificantothersandshakeourownequilibrium,andwe pay a price in later years in self-alienation, distorted perceptions, and anynumber of possible symptoms.Yet seen from the perspective of the child, therepressionhasfunctionalutility;ithassurvivalvalue;itsintentionistomakethechild able to live more successfully—or at least to minimize pain. Or again,whenwe are youngwemay experience a gooddeal of hurt and rejection anddevelopapolicy,in“self-protection,”torejectothersfirst.Thispolicydoesnotmakeforahappylife.Andyetitsintentionisnottocausesufferingbuttoreduceit.Survival strategies that donot serveour interests but in fact hurt us, but towhich we nonetheless cling like life preservers in a stormy sea, are the onespsychologists label “neurotic.” The ones that serve our interests we properlylabel “good adaptations”—such as learning to walk, speak, think, and earn aliving.

Clients canbedeeply ashamedof someof their dysfunctional responses to

life’schallenges.Theydonotlookattheirbehaviorfromtheperspectiveofitsintended functional utility. They are aware of their timidity oroveraggressivenessoravoidanceofhumanintimacyorcompulsivesexuality,butnotofitsroots.Theyarenotincontactwiththeneedstheyareblindlytryingtoaddress.Theirshameandguiltdonotmakeiteasierfor themto improvetheircondition, but harder. So one of the ways we can support self-esteem is byeducating clients in the idea of survival strategies, helping them see that theirworst mistakes can be understood as misguided attempts at self-preservation.Feelings of self-condemnation need to be examined and understood, but afterthishasbeenaccomplished,theircontinuedexistenceservesnousefulpurpose.Whentheyarediminishedtheclientisfreertoconsidersolutionsthatcanbetterfilltheirneeds.“Ifit’syourownperceptionthatwhatyoudodoesn’twork,areyou willing to look at alternatives you might find more satisfying? Are youwillingtoexperimentwithtryingsomethingelse?”

IntegratingSubpersonalities On a technical level perhaps the two methods that most distinguish myapproach are the use of sentence completions, which I have illustratedthroughout thisbookaswell as in severalofmypreviousbooks, andworkingwithsubpersonalities,whichIturntonow.*

In my discussion of the second pillar of self-esteem, the practice of self-acceptance,Italkedaboutaccepting“alltheparts”ofourselves,andImentionedthoughts, emotions, actions, and memories. Yet our “parts” include actualsubselveswith values, perspectives, and feelings distinctively their own. I amnotspeakingof“multiplepersonalities,”inthepathologicalsense.Iamspeakingofnormalconstituentsofahumanpsyche,ofwhichmostpeopleareunaware.When a psychotherapist wishes to assist in the development of healthy self-esteem, an understanding of the dynamics of subpersonalities is an invaluabletool. This is territory that an individual is not likely to discover on his or herown.

Theideaofsubpersonalitiesisalmostasoldaspsychologyitself,andsomeversion of it may be found in any number of writers. It expresses theunderstanding that amonolithicviewof the self, inwhicheach individualhasonepersonalityandonepersonalityonly,withonesetofvalues,perceptions,andresponses, is an oversimplification of human reality. But beyond thatgeneralization, there are great differences in how psychologists understandsubpersonalitiesorworkwiththeminpsychotherapy.

My wife and colleague, Devers Branden, first persuaded me of theimportance of subpersonality work to self-esteem and began developinginnovativewaysofidentifyingandintegratingthesepartsseveralyearsbeforeIbecameseriouslyinterestedinthesubject.Ourworkreflectstheobservationthatunrecognized or disowned and rejected subselves tend to become sources ofconflict, unwanted feelings, and inappropriate behavior. Subselves that arerecognized, respected, and integrated into the totalpersonalitybecome sourcesofenergy,emotionalrichness, increasedoptions,andamorefulfillingsenseofidentity.Thesubjectisabigoneandcanonlybeintroducedhere.

Tobeginwiththemostobviousexample:Inadditiontotheadult-selfthatweallrecognizeas“whoweare,”thereiswithinourpsycheachild-self—thelivingpresenceofthechildweoncewere.Asapotentialofourconsciousness,amind-stateintowhicheveryoneshiftsattimes,thatchild’sframeofreferenceandwayof responding is an enduring component of our psyche. But we may haverepressed thatchild longago, repressedhisorher feelings,perceptions,needs,responses,outofthemisguidednotionthat“murder”wasnecessarytogrowintoadulthood. This recognition led to the conviction that no one could becompletely whole who did not reconnect with and create a conscious andbenevolentrelationshipwiththechild-self.Thistaskisespeciallyimportantfortheattainmentofautonomy.Isawthatwhenthetaskisneglected,thetendencyistolookforhealingfromtheoutside,fromotherpeople,andthisneverworks:thehealingthatisneededisnotbetweenselfandothersbutbetweenadult-selfand child-self. A personwalking aroundwith painful and lifelong feelings ofrejection isunlikely tobeaware that theproblemhasbecome internalizedandthatheorsheisengagedinself-rejection,includingtherejectionofthechild-selfby the adult-self, which iswhy no external source of approval ever heals thewound.

First,whatdoImeanbya“subself”ora“subpersonality”?(Thetwotermsareusedsynonymously.)

A subself or subpersonality is a dynamic component of an individual’spsyche,havingadistinctiveperspective,valueorientation,and“personality”ofitsown;thatmaybemoreorlessdominantintheindividual’sresponsesatanyparticular time; that the individualmaybemoreor less consciousof,moreorlessacceptingandbenevolent toward; thatmaybemoreor less integrated intothe individual’s total psychological system; and that is capable of growth andchangeover time.(Icallasubself“dynamic”becauseitactivelyinteractswithother components of the psyche and is not merely a passive repository ofattitudes.)

Thechild-selfisthecomponentofthepsychecontainingthe“personality”of

thechildoneoncewas,with thatchild’srangeofvalues,emotions,needs,andresponses; not a generic child or universal archetype, but a specific, historicalchild,uniquetoanindividual’shistoryanddevelopment.(Thisisverydifferentfrom“thechildego-state”inTransactionalAnalysis;TAusesagenericmodel.)

NearlytwodecadesagoIgaveaself-esteemseminarinwhichIguidedtheclass through an exercise that involved an imaginary encounterwith the childone oncewas.Afterward, during the break, awomanwalked over tome andsaid, “Do youwant to knowwhat I didwhen I realized that the child sittingunder the tree, waiting forme, wasmy five-year-old self? I created a streambehindthetree,threwthechildintoit,anddrownedher.”Thiswassaidwithabitter,brittlesmile.

Whattheincidentdramatizesisnotonlythatwemaybeunconsciousofanyparticularsubselfbutthatawarenessmaybeinstantlyaccompaniedbyhostilityandrejection.Doesitneedtobearguedthatwecannothavehealthyself-esteemwhile despising part of who we are? I have never worked with a depressedpersonalitywhosechild-selfdidnotfeelhated(notmerelyignoredorrejected)byanolderpart.InHowtoRaiseYourSelf-EsteemIofferanumberofexercisesforidentifyingandintegratingthechild-selfandtheteenage-self(inadditiontotheworkofferedintheself-esteemprogramabove).

Theteenage-selfisthecomponentofthepsychecontainingthe“personality”oftheadolescentoneoncewas,withthatteenager’srangeofvalues,emotions,needs, and responses; not a generic teenager or universal archetype, but aspecific,historicalone,uniquetoanindividual’shistoryanddevelopment.

Ihaveneverworkedwithadepressedpersonalitywhosechild-selfdidnotfeelhated(notmerelyignoredorrejected)byanolderpart.

Often,whenworkingwithcouplesonrelationshipproblems,anexploration

of the teenage-self is especially useful. This is the subself that often plays animportantroleinselectingapartner.Andthisisthemind-statetowhichweoftenrevert unconsciously during times of relationship difficulty or crisis, asmanifestedinsuchwithdrawalbehaviorsas“Idon’tcare!”or“Noone’sgoingtogettome!”or“Don’ttellmewhattodo!”

I recall once treating a couple, both psychotherapists, who came into myofficefuriousateachother.Hewasforty-oneandshewasthirty-nine,buttheylooked like teenagers in their angrydefianceof eachother.On theway tomyoffice she had said to him that when they arrived he should tell me some

particular piece of information; to give her suggestion “authority,” she hadevidently dropped into an “older” voice, which he heard as the voice of hismother. “Don’t tell me what to do!” he snapped. As an adolescent she hadexperienced “constant” reproaches from her parents, and, dropping into anadolescentmind-stateinresponsetohisrebuke,sheslammedherfistagainsthisshoulderandshouted,“Don’ttalktomethatway!”Later,whentheywerebackintheirnormaladultconsciousness,theyweremortifiedattheirbehavior—“asifwewerepossessedbydemons,”oneof themsaid.This iswhat itcanfeel likewhenasubpersonalitytakesoverandwedonotunderstandwhatishappening.Ihad helped them pull out of their teenage mind-state by asking them onequestion:“Howolddoyoufeelrightnowandisthattheageyouneedtobetosolvethisproblem?”

The opposite-gender-self is the component of the psyche containing thefeminine subpersonality of the male and the masculine subpersonality of thefemale; not a generic “feminine” or “masculine” or universal archetype, butindividual for each man or woman, reflecting aspects of his or her personaldevelopment,learning,acculturation,andoveralldevelopment.

There tends to be a fairly strong correlation between howwe relate to theoppositegender in theworldandhowwerelate to theoppositegenderwithin.Themanwhoprofesses to findwomenan incomprehensiblemystery isalmostcertainly completely out of touchwith the femininewithin—just as awomanwhoprofessestofindmenincomprehensibleisoutoftouchwithhermasculineside. In therapy Ihave found thatoneof themostpowerfulways tohelpmenandwomenbecomemoreeffectiveinloverelationshipsistoworkwiththemontheir relationship to their opposite-gender-self—making the relationship moreconscious, accepting, benevolent, and therefore more integrated into the totalpersonality. Not surprisingly, women are often far more comfortable with theideathattheyhaveaninternalmasculinesidethanmenarewiththeideaofaninternal feminine side; but neither subself is difficult to demonstrate. (Imightmentionthatnoneofthishasanythingtodowithhomosexualityorbisexuality.)

Themother-selfisthecomponentofthepsychecontaininganinternalizationofaspectsof thepersonality,perspective,andvaluesofan individual’smother(orotherolderfemale“motherfigures”whohadaninfluenceandimpactduringchildhood).Again,wedealwiththeindividualandthehistorical,notthegenericor universal “Mother.” (And again this is very different from TA’s generic“parent ego-state.” Mother and Father are both parents, but they are verydifferentandshouldnotbetreatedasapsychologicalunit;theyoftensendverydifferentmessagesandhaveverydifferentattitudesandvalues.)

Once,steppingintothestreetwithmylastclientofthedayandnoticinghow

chillyithadbecome,Isaidtotheyoungman,impulsivelyandquiteuntypically,“What!Youcameoutwithoutasweater?”Beforemystartledclientcouldreply,I said, “Stop.Don’t answer. I didn’t say that.Mymother said that.”We bothlaughed.Forabriefmoment,mymother-selfhadtakenovermyconsciousness.

Inmore seriousways, of course, this happens all the time. Long after ourmothermayhavedied,weplayhermessagesinourheadandoftenimaginetheyareourown,failingtorealizethat thevoiceishers,notours,andthat it isherperspective,hervalues,herorientationthatwehaveinternalizedandallowedtotakeupresidenceinourpsyche.

Thefather-selfisthecomponentofthepsychecontaininganinternalizationofaspectsofthepersonality,perspective,andvaluesofanindividual’sfather(orother older male “father figures” who had an influence and impact duringchildhood).

I once had a client who, when he was kind and compassionate with hisgirlfriend, later complained of feeling “guilty” about it,whichwas a puzzlingandunusualreaction.Whatwelearnedwasthatthesourceofhis“guilt”wasanunrecognizedfather-selfwhosneeredathimandsaid,ineffect,“Womenaretobeused,nottreatedaspersons.Whatkindofmanareyou?”Theclient’sstrugglebecametodistinguishhisownvoicefromthatofhisfather-self’s.

This list of subpersonalities is not meant to be exhaustive but merely toindicate theonesweworkwithmostoften inourpractice.Whateachof thesesubselvesneedsfromusisunderstanding,acceptance,respect,andbenevolence,andinourtherapywehavedevelopedtechniquestoachievethisresult.

Afewyearsago,Deversidentifiedtwoothersubpersonalitiesthatwefinditproductive toworkwith.Technically theyarenot subpersonalities inquite thesame sense as those listed above, but functionally they can be addressed thesameway.Theyaretheouterselfandtheinnerself.

Theouterself isthecomponentofthepsychethatisexpressedthroughtheselfwepresenttotheworld.Verysimply,theouterselfistheselfotherpeoplesee.Itmaybeahighlycongruentandappropriatevehiclefortheexpressionoftheinnerselfintheworld,oritmaybeahighlyarmoredanddefendeddistortionoftheinnerself.

Theinnerselfistheselfonlywecanseeandexperience;theprivateself;theself as subjectively perceived. (A powerful sentence stem: If my outer selfexpressedmoreofmyinnerselfintheworld—.)

Acentralaspectofourtherapyisbalancingorintegratingsubpersonalities.This is a process of working with subselves toward a number of interrelatedends,whichinclude:1.Learningtorecognizeaparticularsubpersonality,toisolateandidentifyit

withinthetotalityofone’sexperience. 2. Understanding the relationship thatexistsbetween theadultconscious

self and this particular subpersonality (for example, conscious,semiconscious, or unconscious, accepting or rejecting, benevolent orhostile).

3.Identifyingthesalienttraitsofthesubpersonality,suchaschiefconcerns,dominantemotions,characteristicwaysofresponding.

4. Identifyingunmetneedsorwantsof thesubpersonality relative to theadultconsciousself(forexample,tobeheard,listenedto,acceptedwithrespectandcompassion).

5. Identifyingdestructivebehavioronthepartofthesubpersonalitywhenimportantneedsandwantsareignoredorunmetbytheconsciousadult-self.

6. Developing a relationship between the adult conscious self and thesubpersonality of consciousness, acceptance, respect, benevolence, andopencommunication.

7.Identifyingtherelationshipexistingbetweenaparticularsubpersonalityandthevariousothersinthepsycheandresolvinganyconflictsbetweenthem(throughdialoguing,sentence-completionwork,andmirrorwork).

Devers developed a particularly effective way to allow clients to havedialogueswith their subselves.Mirrorworkwith subpersonalities is a formofpsychodrama, entailing an altered state of consciousness, in which theclient/subject sits facing a mirror, enters the consciousness (ego state) of aparticularsubpersonality,andinthatstatespeakstotheadultconsciousselfseenin themirror,almostalwaysusingsentencecompletions(forexample,AsIsithere lookingat you—;Oneof theways you treatmeasMotherdid is—;One of the things I want from you and have never gotten is—; If I feltacceptedbyyou—;IfIfeltyouhadcompassionformystruggles—).

Wesometimesfindthattheprocessofself-acceptanceisblockedandwedonotknowwhy.

Whetherworkingwithayounger self, anopposite-gender-self,or aparent-

selftowardtheendofintegrationandagreateroverallexperienceofwholeness,thestepsarealwaysthesame,inprinciple,andareindicatedabove.Throughthisprocessweconvertdisownedsubselvesfromsourcesofturmoilandconflictintopositiveresourcesthatcanenergizeandenrichus.

Can we become accomplished at the practice of self-acceptance withoutlearningaboutsubpersonalities?Ofcourse.Ifwelearntoacceptandrespectourinternal signals, to be fully present to our own experience, that is what self-esteemasksofusasfarasself-acceptanceisconcerned.

However,we sometimes find that theprocessof self-acceptance isblockedandwedonotknowwhy.Mysteriousvoicesinsideourheadgeneraterelentlessself-criticism. Self-acceptance feels like an ideal we can never fully realize.When this happens, working with subpersonalities can become an avenue tobreakthrough.

In psychotherapy subpersonality work can be invaluable, since one of thebarriers to growing in self-esteem can be parental voices bombarding theindividual with critical and even hostile messages. As therapists we need toknowhowtoturnthosenegativevoicesoff—andturnanadversarialmother-orfather-selfintoapositiveresource.

SkillsaSelf-Esteem-OrientedTherapistNeeds Therearebasicskillsthateverypsychotherapistneedstodohisorherworkeffectively: human relationship skills such as building rapport, creating anatmosphereofsafetyandacceptance,andconveyingaperspectiveofhopeandoptimism. Then there are the skills a therapist needs to address specificproblems,suchassexualdifficulties,obsessive-compulsivedisorders,orcareerproblems.

Ifa therapist sees thebuildingof self-esteemascentral tohisorherwork,therearespecificissuesthatneedtobeaddressed.Theycanbesummarizedintheformofquestions:

BywhatmeansdoIproposetoassistmyclientinlivingmoreconsciously?HowwillIteachself-acceptance?HowwillIfacilitateahigherlevelofself-responsibility?HowwillIencourageahigherlevelofself-assertiveness? How will I contribute to the client operating at a higher level of

purposefulness?HowwillIinspiregreaterintegrityineverydayliving?WhatcanIdotonurtureautonomy?HowcanIcontributetotheclient’senthusiasmforlife?

HowcanIawakenblockedpositivepotentials?HowcanIassisttheclienttodealwithconflictsandchallengesinwaysthat

willextendhisorherfieldofcomfort,competence,andmastery?HowdoIassisttheclientinfreeinghim-orherselffromirrationalfears?HowdoIassisttheclientinfreeinghim-orherselffromthelingeringpainof

oldwoundsandtraumas,perhapsoriginatinginchildhood? Howcan Iassist theclient to recognize,accept,and integratedeniedand

disownedaspectsoftheself?

By thesame token,aclientwishing toassesshisorherown therapycouldutilize the standards implicit in these questions to examine a therapeuticapproachor thepersonalprogressbeingmadewith thisapproach.Thus:AmIlearningtolivemoreconsciously?AmIlearninggreaterself-acceptance?Doesmy therapist’s manner of dealing with me contribute to my experience ofautonomyandempowerment?Andsoon.

Fear,Pain,andtheAmeliorationofNegatives Irrational fears almost inevitably have a negative effect on our sense ofourselves. Conversely, the elimination of irrational fears causes self-esteem torise.Thisisoneofthebasictasksoftherapy.

Unhealingpainfromthepastrepresentsyetanotherbarrierinthequestforstrongerself-esteem.

Unhealing pain from the past, because of the sense of debilitation it often

provokesandthedefensespeopletypicallysetagainstit,representsyetanotherbarrier in the quest for stronger self-esteem. When we are able to reduce oreliminatethepainofpsychologicalwounds,self-esteemtendstorise.

Whenweeliminatenegatives,weclearthewayfortheemergenceofpositives,andwhenwecultivatepositives,negativesoftenweakenordisappear.

Inworkingwith the issues itemized in the above questions, we constantlymove back and forth between what I call the “positive” issues (for example,learning to live more consciously) and the “negative” ones (for example,eliminating irrational fears). They are interwoven at every point. It is worthisolating them conceptually for purposes of discussion and analysis, but inreality theydonotoperate in isolation.Whenweeliminatenegatives,weclearthe way for the emergence of positives, and when we cultivate positives,negativesoftenweakenordisappear.

Inrecentyearssignificantbreakthroughsinpsychopharmacologyhavebeenachieved, with implications for the amelioration of some “negatives,”particularly among the severely disturbed, the origins of whose problems issurmised to be biochemical imbalances. Many men and women have beenenabledtofunctionintheworldwhocouldnotdosobefore.Butthisfieldisnotwithout controversy. Opponents of the claimsmade by enthusiasts assert thattheyareoftengrosslyexaggerated,arenotsupportedbyreviewsoftheresearch,and that the dangerous side effects of some of these psychopharmacplogicalagents are denied or minimized.* I have treated clients before and after theiranxiety, depression, or obsessive-compulsive reactions were reduced oreliminated(ormasked?)bychemicalagents,butwhathasalwaysstruckme isthat their fundamental self-esteem problems (and personality structure)remained,quiteapartfromwhetherthey“felt”betterornot.However,oneofthetherapeutic benefits of their medication, in addition to the alleviation ofsuffering, is that it sometimes made them more capable of participating inpsychotherapy.Thebadnews is that sometimes it facilitated their flights fromreal problems, the solutions for which demanded more of them than theingestionofapill.

Methodologyevolvesandwewillcontinuetodiscovernewwaystoachieveour goals in therapy.Myprimary focus in this chapter iswith the question ofwhatourgoalsneedtobe.Ihavewantedtoconveybasicguidingprinciplesforaself-esteem-basedapproach.

TheTherapyoftheFuture As consciousness of the importance of self-esteem spreads through ourculture,itisaforegoneconclusionthatmorepsychotherapistswillbeaskedbytheirclients,“HowcanIgrowinself-esteem?”Therewillbeincreasingdemandforatechnologyspecificallyaddressedtothisissue.Butfirst,theremustbeanunderstandingofwhat,precisely,self-esteemis,andwhatitshealthyemergence

dependson.For example, there is an approach to self-esteem that thinks primarily in

termsofassistingtheclienttogrowinpracticalefficacy—thatis,toacquirenewskills.Thisisanimportantaspectofself-esteemtherapy,tobesure,butitisonlyanaspect.Iftheclientislivinghypocriticallyanddishonestly,newskillswillnotfill the void in his or her sense ofworth.Or, if the client has internalized thehypercriticalvoiceofMotherorFather(representedbyamother-selforafather-self), a feeling of basic inadequacy or worthlessness can coexist with highachievement.Or, if theclient thinksofcompetenceandworthonlyin termsofspecificknowledgeandskills,butnottheunderlyingmentalprocessesthatmakethem possible, a deep feeling of inefficacy can coexist with any number ofacquired abilities.Regarding this last point:Whenwe say that self-efficacy istrust in one’s competence to cope with the basic challenges of life, we areanchoringthiscomponentofself-esteemnotinspecificknowledgeorskillsbutin one’s ability to think, make decisions, learn, and persevere in the face ofdifficulties,whicharemattersofprocess,notcontent.Aneffective self-esteemtherapyhas tobeprocess focused,but ithas tobemore than that. Ithas tobecomprehensive enough to address not only issues of competence but also ofworth—self-respect:confidencethatonedeserveslove,success,andhappiness.

Another tradition has it that self-esteem is the “reflected appraisals” ofsignificant others. Then a therapist might logically tell the client, “You mustlearn how tomake yourself likable to other people.” In reality, however, fewtherapistswouldmakethisstatement;norwouldtheysay,“Throughtherapyyouwilllearnhowtomanipulatepeoplesoexpertlythattheoverwhelmingmajoritywillhavenochoicebuttolikeyou—andthenyouwillhaveself-esteem!”Andyet, if one really believes that self-esteem is a gift fromothers,whywouldn’tonesayit?Theanswer,Isuspect,isthatnomatterhow“otherdirected”onemaybe theoretically, somewhere there is the implicit knowledge that the approvaleach of us needs is fromwithin.Whenwe are children,we are dependent onothers for the satisfaction of most of our needs. Some children, are moreindependent than others, but no child can have the level of independencepossibletoanadult.Aswemature,webecome“self-supporting”inmoreareas,includingself-esteem.Ifwedevelopproperly,wetransferthesourceofapprovalfromtheworldtoourselves;weshiftfromtheexternaltotheinternal.Butifonedoesnotunderstandthenatureandrootsofadultself-esteem,butthinksintermsof “reflected appraisals,” one is at a severe disadvantage when it comes toputtingtheoryintoeffectivepractice.

Ifwedevelopproperly,wetransferthesourceofapprovalfromtheworldtoourselves;weshiftfromtheexternaltotheinternal.

Somepsychotherapists identifyself-esteemexclusivelywithself-acceptance

and treat it in effect as a birthright, with no further effort required of theindividual.Thisapproachconveysaverylimitedviewofwhatself-esteemisandrequires.Importantasself-acceptanceis,theclientwillbelefttowonderwhyitdoes not satisfy the hunger for somethingmore—some height the client mayyearnforbuthavenoinklingofhowtoreach,andnoguidance.

Forthesereasons,Irecommendthatapersonseekingprofessionalassistanceinraisingself-esteem,whichisaneminentlyworthyandadmirableundertaking,woulddowelltointerviewaprospectivetherapistandaskthesequestions:

Whatdoyouunderstand“self-esteem”tomean?Whatdoyouthinkhealthyself-esteemdependson?Whatwillwedotogetherthatwillhaveapositiveeffectonmyself-esteem?Whatareyourreasonsforthinkingso?

Anyconscientiousprofessionalwillrespectthesequestions.

17

Self-EsteemandCulture

Oneway todeepenourunderstandingof the themeswithwhich thisbookhasbeenconcernedistolookatself-esteemasitrelatestoandisaffectedbyculture.

Letusbeginbyconsideringtheideaofself-esteemitself.Itisnotanidea—letaloneanideal—onefindsinallcultures.ItemergedintheWestonlyrecentlyandisstillfarfromwellunderstood.

Inmedieval times,“self”asweunderstand the ideastill laysleeping in thehumanpsyche.The basicmind-setwas tribal, not individualistic.Each personwasborn intoadistinct andunchangeableplace in the socialorder.Withveryrare exceptions, one did not choose an occupation but rather was cast bycircumstancesofbirthintotheroleofpeasant,artisan,orknight—orthewifeofone. One’s sense of security derived, not from one’s achievements, but fromseeingoneselfasanintegralpartof“thenaturalorder,”whichwaspresumedtobeordainedbyGod.Subjecttothevicissitudesofwar,famines,andplagues,onewasmore or less guaranteed a livelihood, determined by tradition. Therewasvery littlecompetition, justas therewasvery littleeconomic freedom—oranyother kind of freedom. In such an environment, with so little outlet for anindependent,self-assertivemind,self-esteem—whenandtotheextentitexisted—couldnotmanifestitselfthroughsuperioreconomicadaptiveness.Therewereoccasionswhenitwaslifeendangering:itcouldleaditspossessortothetorturerackandthestake.TheDarkandMiddleAgesdidnotvalueself-assertion;didnotunderstandindividuality;couldnotconceiveself-responsibility;hadnograspof the “Rights of Man” or the modern idea of political freedom; could notimagine innovativeness as a way of life; did not grasp the relation of mind,intelligence,andcreativitytosurvival;hadnoplaceforself-esteem(whichdoesnotmeanitdidnotexist).

Ourideaof“theindividual,”asanautonomous,self-determiningunit,abletothinkindependentlyandbearingresponsibilityforhisorherexistence,emerged

from several historical developments: theRenaissance in the fifteenth century,theReformationinthesixteenth,andtheEnlightenmentintheeighteenth—andtheirtwooffspring,theIndustrialRevolutionandcapitalism.Self-esteem,aswethink about the concept today, has its roots in the post-Renaissance emergingculture of individualism. This is true of any number of ideals that we (andincreasinglypeopleinothercountries)havecometoadmire,suchasthefreedomtomarry for love, abelief in the right to thepursuit ofhappiness, ahope thatworkcanbenotonlyasourceofsustenancebutalsoofself-expressionandself-fulfillment.Not long ago these valueswere regarded as very “Western,” very“American”—andnowmoreandmoreof theworld is embracing them.Thesevaluesreflecthumanneeds.

Self-esteem as a psychological reality existed in human consciousnessthousands of years before it emerged as an explicit idea. Now that it hasemerged,thechallengeistounderstandit.

TheNeedforSelf-EsteemIsNot“Cultural” Everyhumanbeing,whateverthenetworkofcustomsandvaluesinwhichheor shegrowsup, isobliged toact to satisfyand fulfillbasicneeds.Wedonotalwaysandautomaticallyfeelcompetentinfacingthischallenge.Yetallhumanbeingsneedanexperienceofcompetence(whichIcallself-efficacy)iftheyaretopossessa fundamental senseofsecurityandempowerment.Without it, theycannot respondappropriately.Wedonotalwaysandautomatically feelworthyof love, respect,happiness.Yet all humanbeingsneedanexperienceofworth(self-respect) if they are to take proper care of themselves, protect theirlegitimateinterests,gainsomeenjoymentfromtheirefforts,and(whenpossible)standupagainstthosewhowouldharmorexploit them.Withoutit,againtheycannotactappropriatelyintheirownbestinterests.Therootoftheneedforself-esteem is biological: it pertains to survival and continued efficaciousfunctioning.

The need is inherent in human nature; it is not an invention of Westernculture.

TheUniversalityofSelf-EsteemIssues LivingConsciously.Foreveryorganismthatpossessesit,consciousnessisanimperativeofeffectiveadaptation.Thedistinctivehumanformofconsciousnessis conceptual: our survival, well-being, and skillful adaptation depend on our

ability to think—on the appropriate use of mind. Whether one is mending afishingnetordebuggingacomputerprogram,trackingananimalordesigningaskyscraper,negotiatingwithanenemyorseekingtoresolveadisputewithone’sspouse—in all cases, one can bring a higher level of consciousness to theoccasionoralower.Onecanchoosetoseeornottosee(oranywherebetween).Butrealityisrealityandisnotwipedoutbyself-electedblindness.Thehigherthe levelof consciousnessonebrings towhatone isdoing, themoreeffectiveandincontrolonefeels—andthemoresuccessfulone’sefforts.

Therootoftheneedforself-esteemisbiological:itpertainstosurvivalandcontinuedefficaciousfunctioning.

Inanycontextwhereconsciousnessisneeded,operatingconsciouslybenefits

self-esteem, and operating (relatively) unconsciouslywounds self-esteem. Theimportanceoflivingconsciouslyisgroundednotinculturebutinreality.

Self-Acceptance.Whenindividualsdenyanddisowntheirexperience,whentheyreject their thoughts, feelings,orbehavioras“notme,”when they induceunconsciousness of their inner life, their intention is self-protection. They aretrying tomaintain their equilibrium and defend their view of themselves. Theintention is to serve “self-esteem.”But the result is to harm self-esteem.Self-esteem requires self-acceptance; it is not served by self-rejection. This truthstandsapartfromanyquestionofwhetherthebeliefsofagivenculturedoordonot encourage self-acceptance. A highly authoritarian society, for example,mightencourageneglectandevendisparagementof the individual’s inner life.This does not mean that self-acceptance is merely a cultural bias with nojustificationinhumannature.Itmeansthatsomeculturesmayholdvaluesthatare inimical to humanwell-being.Cultures are not equal in the psychologicalbenefitstheyconferontheirmembers.

Self-Responsibility.Noonecanfeelempowered,noonecanfeelcompetentto copewith life’s challenges,who does not take responsibility for his or herchoicesandactions.Noonecanfeelefficaciouswhodoesnottakeresponsibilityfor the attainment of his or her desires. Self-responsibility is essential to theexperience of inner strength. When we look to others to provide us withhappinessorfulfillmentorself-esteem,werelinquishcontroloverourlife.There

isnosocialenvironmentinwhichtheseobservationsbecomeuntrue.Notallculturesvalueself-responsibilityequally.Thisdoesnotalterthefact

thatwhereweseeresponsibilityandthewillingnesstobeaccountable,weseeahealthier,morerobustsenseofself—abiologicallymoreadaptiveorganism.

Asforteamwork,groupactivity,andthelike,theself-responsiblepersoncanfunction effectively with others precisely because he or she is willing to beaccountable. Such aperson is not a dependent nor a parasite nor an exploiter.Self-responsibility does not mean one does everything oneself; it means thatwhenoneactsinconcertwithothers,onecarriesone’sownweight.Doesitneedto be argued that a societywhosemembers value this attitude is stronger andbetterequippedforsurvivalthanasocietywhosemembersdonot?

Self-Assertiveness.Self-assertivenessisthepracticeofhonoringone’sneeds,wants,values,andjudgments,andseekingappropriateformsoftheirexpressionin reality.Notall culturesvalue self-assertivenessequally.Andsome formsofappropriate self-expression may differ from place to place—for example, thewordsoneuses,or the toneofvoice inwhichone speaks,or thegesturesonemakes.But to the extent that a culture suppresses the natural impulse to self-assertion and self-expression, it blocks creativity, stifles individuality, and setsitselfagainsttherequirementsofself-esteem.NaziGermanyandSovietRussia,tonametwoexamplesinthiscentury,ruthlesslypunishedself-assertiveness;inthese countries, it was a cultural disvalue. They were not societies in whichhuman life could flourish. Other cultures punish self-assertiveness and self-expression in less extreme and violentways (sometimes in very gentleways).Hawaiian children may be lovingly enjoined, “Remain among the clumps ofgrassesanddonotelevateyourself.”1Just thesame,self-effacementasabasicpatternofbeingisinimicaltoself-esteem—andtothelifeforce.

Totheextentthataculturesuppressesthenaturalimpulsetoself-assertionandself-expression,itblockscreativity,stiflesindividuality,andsetsitself

againsttherequirementsofself-esteem.

Self-expressionisnatural;self-suppressionisnot.Childrendonotneedtobe

educatedintoself-assertion;authoritariansocietiesdoneedtosocializethemintoself-surrender.Thatsomechildrenmaycomeintothisworldmorenaturallyself-assertive thanothersdoesnotcontradict thisobservation.When fear isabsent,

self-assertiveness is the natural condition of human beings.What peoplemayhavetolearniscomfortwithandrespectfortheself-assertivenessofothers.Thisis clearly an imperative of cooperation.Cooperation is not a “middle ground”between self-assertiveness and self-suppression, but the intelligent exercise ofself-interestinasocialcontext—whichdoeshavetobelearned.

LivingPurposefully.Theideaoflivingpurposefullycanbemisinterpretedtomean that all of one’s life is given over to long-term productive goals. Ourpurposes can include many things besides productive work: raising a family,enjoyinga loveaffairor amarriage,pursuingahobby,developingone’sbodythrough exercise or one’s spirit through study and meditation. Understoodcorrectly,thereisnothingintrinsically“Western”aboutastronggoalorientation.When Buddha set out in search of enlightenment, was he not moved by apassionatepurpose?IamconfidentthatevenamongPolynesians,somemenandwomenaremorepurposefulthanothers.

In discussing self-esteem, I use words like “efficacy,” “competence,”“achievement,” “success.” In our culture there might be a tendency tounderstand these ideas in exclusively materialistic terms; I intend no suchimplication. They are meant metaphysically or ontologically, not merelyeconomically.Withoutdisparagingthevalueofmaterialattainments(whichare,afterall,necessitiesofsurvival),wecanappreciatethattheseideasembracethetotalspectrumofhumanexperience,fromthemundanetothespiritual.

The question is: Is our life andwell-being better served by organizing ourenergies with relation to specific (short-and long-term) purposes, or are theybetterservedbylivingfromdaytoday,reactingtoeventsratherthanchoosingone’sowndirection,passivelydriftingatthewhimofimpulseandcircumstance?IfoneholdstotheAristotelianperspective,asIdo,thataproperhumanlifeisone in which we seek the fullest exercise of our distinctive powers, then theanswer is obvious. In passivity neither our reason nor our passion nor ourcreativitynorourimaginationfulfillthemselves.Weonlyhalfliveourexistence.This perspective may beWestern, but I believe it is arguably superior to thealternative.

If human life and happiness are the standard, not all cultural traditions areequal. In Africa, for example, there are societies in which it is normal andacceptedpracticetomutilatethegenitalsofyoungfemales.Anancienttraditionin India led millions of widows to be burned alive. If we object to thesepractices, I doubt that anyone will wish to raise the charge of “culturalimperialism.”

We will want to keep this in mind as our discussion of self-esteem andcultureproceeds.

PersonalIntegrity.Thepracticeofintegrityconsistsofhavingprinciplesofbehaviorandbeing true to them. Itmeanskeepingone’sword,honoringone’scommitments, being faithful to one’s promises. Since I have never heard thisvirtuedisparagedasa“culturalartifact,”sinceit isesteemedineverysocietyIknowof—evenintheunderworldthereistheideaof“honoramongthieves”—Ithinkitisobviousthatthisvirtueisdeeperthanany“culturalbias.”Itreflectsanimplicitawarenessheldbyeveryoneaboutlife.

Thebetrayalofone’sconvictionswoundsself-esteem.Thisisdecreednotbyculturebutbyreality—thatis,byournature.

I stressed early in the book that self-esteem is neither comparative norcompetitive.Ithasnothingtodowithstrivingtomakeoneselfsuperiortoothers.A Hawaiian psychologist asked me, “Aren’t you teaching people to elevatethemselves above others?” I answered that the work had nothing to do withothers,inthesenseheimagined:ithadtodowithourrelationshipwithourselves—andwithreality.Raisedinacultureinwhichnottheindividualbutthegroupisprimary,hehaddifficultyunderstandingthis;hiswholeorientationwastothesocialcollective.“Whengatheredinabucket,thecrabsontopwillalwayskeeptheothersfromgettingout,”heinsisted.“It’snotgoodtobetoogreat.”“Inthefirstplace,”Ianswered,“Idon’tseehumansocietyasabucketofcrabs,andinthesecondplace,whathappens tochildrenofextraordinary talentorability inyour world?” He said that as he understood self-esteem, it could only be thesecurityofbelonging—ofbeingwellintegratedintoanetworkofrelationships.Was thatdifferent, Iwanted toknow,fromtrying tobaseself-esteemonbeinglikedandapprovedof?HecounteredthatIwas“phobic”aboutdependency.

Ifwehaveagenuineneedtoexperienceourpowersandworth,thenmoreisrequiredthanthecomfortof“belonging.”Thisisnottoargueagainstthevalueof“relationships.”Butifacultureplacesrelationshipsfirst,aboveautonomyandauthenticity,itleadstheindividualtoself-alienation:tobe“connected”ismoreimportantthantoknowwhoIamandtobewhoIam.Thetribalistmaywishtoassert thatbeing“connected” ismoreimportant, is thehighervalue,but that isnotalicensetoequateitwithself-esteem.Letthatkindofgratificationbecalledsomethingelse.Otherwise,wearetrappedinaneternalTowerofBabel.

Ifhumanlifeandhappinessarethestandard,notallculturaltraditionsareequal.

When Idiscussed these issueswith aHawaiianeducatorwhowaseager to

introduce better self-esteem principles into the school system, she said, “Nomatterwhatour skillsor talents, somanyofusherehaveamajor self-esteemproblem.We feel inferior andwe’re afraidwe’ll never catch up.Our childrensufferfromdemoralization.”

All this leads naturally to the question: What is the effect of differentcultures,anddifferentculturalvalues,onself-esteem?

TheInfluenceofCulture Everysocietycontainsanetworkofvalues,beliefs,andassumptions,notallof which are named explicitly but which nonetheless are part of the humanenvironment. Indeed, ideas that are not identified overtly but are held andconveyedtacitlycanbehardertocallintoquestion—preciselybecausetheyareabsorbed by a process that largely bypasses the conscious mind. Everyonepossesses what might be called a “cultural unconscious”—a set of implicitbeliefsaboutnature,reality,humanbeings,man-womanrelationships,goodandevil—thatreflect theknowledge,understanding,andvaluesofahistorical timeand place. I do notmean that there are no differences among peoplewithin agivencultureintheirbeliefsatthislevel.NordoImeanthatnooneholdsanyofthesebeliefsconsciouslyorthatnoonechallengesanyofthem.Imeanonlythatat leastsomeof thesebeliefs tendtoreside ineverypsycheinagivensociety,andwithouteverbeingthesubjectofexplicitawareness.

It is not possible for anyone, even the most independent, to make everypremise conscious or to subject every premise to critical scrutiny. Even greatinnovatorswhochallengeandoverthrowparadigms inoneareaof realitymayaccept uncritically the implicit assumptions reigning in other areas. Whatimpressesusaboutamind likeAristotle’s, for instance, is thewidenumberoffieldstowhichhebroughtthepowerofhisextraordinarilyoriginalintellect.YetevenAristotlewasinmanyrespectsamanofhistimeandplace.Noneofuscanentirelyescapetheinfluenceofoursocialenvironment.

Consider, as illustration, the view of women that has dominated humanhistory.

Someversionofwoman-as-inferiorispartofthe“culturalunconscious”ofjustabouteverysocietyweknowof.

In almost everypartof theworldand throughoutvirtually all the centuries

behindus,womenhavebeenregarded,andbeentaughttoregardthemselves,asthe inferiorofmen.Someversionofwoman-as-inferior ispartof the“culturalunconscious” of just about every society we know of—and in the “culturalconscious”aswell.Woman’ssecond-classstatusisapronouncedaspectofeverybrandof religious fundamentalism—be it Jewish,Christian, Islamic,orHindu.Therefore, it is at its most virulent in societies dominated by religiousfundamentalism,suchasmodernIran.

InChristianity,andnotonlyamongfundamentalists,itwasheld(andoftenisstillheld) thatwoman’s relationship tomanshouldbeasman’s relationship toGod.Obedience, in this view, is awoman’s cardinal virtue (after “purity,” nodoubt).Ioncemadethemistake,intherapywithafemaleclient,ofassociatingthisideawith“medievalChristianity.”Shelookedatmewithastonishmentandsaid sadly, “Are you kidding? I heard it from our minister last Sunday—andfrommyhusbandonMonday.”Whenherhusbandlearnedofourdiscussion,heinsisted that she discontinue therapy. Woman-as-inferior is not an idea thatsupportsfemaleself-esteem.Cananyonedoubtthatithashadatragiceffectonmost women’s view of themselves? Even among many modern Americanwomenwhoconsiderthemselvesthoroughly“emancipated,”itisnotdifficulttodetecttheperniciousinfluenceofthisview.

There is a corresponding widely held idea about men’s value that isdetrimentaltomaleself-esteem.

Inmostculturesmenaresocialized to identifypersonalworthwithearningability, with being “a good provider.” If, traditionally, women “owe” menobedience,men“owe”women financial support (andphysicalprotection). If awomanlosesherjobandcannotfindanother,shehasaneconomicproblem,tobe sure, but she does not feel diminished as a woman. Men often feelemasculated.Inhardtimes,womendonotcommitsuicidebecausetheycannotfindwork;menoftendo—becausemenhavebeentrainedtoidentifyself-esteemwithearningability.

Nowitcouldbearguedthatthereisrationaljustificationfortyingself-esteemto earning ability. Does not self-esteem have to do with being equal to thechallengesoflife?Thenisnottheabilitytoearnalivingessential?Thereareatleasttwothingstobesaidaboutthis.First,ifapersonisunabletoearnalivingbecause of his (or her) own choices and policies—unconsciousness, passivity,

irresponsibility—then that inability is a reflection on self-esteem. But if theproblem is the result of factors beyond the individual’s control, such as aneconomicdepression,thenitiswrongtomaketheproblemtheoccasionofself-blame.Self-esteemproperlypertainsonlytoissuesopentoourvolitionalchoice.Second,notethattheemphasisusuallyisnotonearningabilityassuch,butonbeingagoodprovider.Menarejudged,andareencouragedtojudgethemselves,byhowwell theycanfinancially takecareofothers.Menare socialized tobe“servants” fully as much as women; only the forms of culturally encouragedservitude are different.* If a man cannot support a woman, he tends to losestatureinhereyesandinhisown.Itwouldtakeunusualindependenceandself-esteemtochallenge thisculturally inducedattitudeand toask“Why is this thegaugeofmyvalueasaman?”

TheTribalMentality Throughouthumanhistory,mostsocietiesandcultureshavebeendominatedbythetribalmentality.Thiswastrueinprimitivetimes,intheMiddleAges,andinsocialist(andsomenonsocialist)countriesinthetwentiethcentury.Japanisacontemporaryexampleofanonsocialistnationstillheavilytribalinitsculturalorientation,althoughitmaynowbeintheprocessofbecominglessso.

The essence of the tribal mentality is that it makes the tribe as such thesupremegoodanddenigratestheimportanceoftheindividual.It tendstoviewindividualsas interchangeableunitsand to ignoreorminimize thesignificanceofdifferencesbetweenonehumanbeingandanother.Atitsextreme,itseestheindividual as hardly existing except in the network of tribal relationships; theindividualbyhim-orherselfisnothing.

Plato, the father of collectivism, captures the essenceof this perspective intheLaws,whenhestates,“Mylawwillbemadewithageneralviewofthebestinterestsofsocietyatlarge…asIrightlyholdthesinglepersonandhisaffairsas ofminor importance.”He speaks enthusiastically of “the habit of never somuchasthinkingtodoonesingleactapartfromone’sfellows,ofmakinglife,totheveryuttermost,anunbrokenconcert,society,andcommunityofallwithall.”Inancienttimes,wethinkofthisvisionasembodiedinthemilitaristicsocietyofSparta. In modern times, its monuments were Nazi Germany and the SovietUnion.Betweentheancientandthemodern,wethinkofthefeudalcivilizationoftheMiddleAges,inwhicheachpersonwasdefinedbyhisorherplaceinthesocialhierarchy,apartfromwhichpersonalidentitycouldhardlybesaidtoexist.

Theessenceofthetribalmentalityisthatitmakesthetribeassuchthesupremegoodanddenigratestheimportanceoftheindividual.

Tribal societies can be totalitarian but they need not be. They can be

relatively free. Control of the individual can be more cultural than political,althoughthepoliticalisalwaysafactor.WhatIwishtopointouthereisthatthetribalpremiseisintrinsicallyanti-self-esteem.

It is a premise and an orientation that disempowers the individual quaindividual. Its implicit message is: You don’t count. By yourself, you arenothing. Only as part of us can you be something. Thus, any society, to theextent that it is dominated by the tribal premise, is inherently unsupportive ofself-esteemandmore:it isactivelyinimical.Insuchasocietytheindividualissocialized to hold him-or herself in low esteem relative to the group. Self-assertiveness is suppressed (except through highly ritualized channels). Pridetendstobelabeledavice.Self-sacrificeisenjoined.

Someyearsago,inThePsychologyofRomanticLove,Iwroteaboutthelackofimportanceattachedtoemotionalattachmentsinprimitivesocieties.Love,asacelebrationof two“selves” inunion,wasanutterly incomprehensible idea. Iargued in that book that romantic love, rationally understood, requires self-esteem as its context—and that both ideas, romantic love and self-esteem, areforeigntothetribalorientation.

Anthropological studies of primitive tribes still in existence tell us a gooddealaboutearlyformsofthetribalmentalityanditsperspectiveonwhatwecall“individuality.” Here is a rather amusing illustration provided by Morton M.HuntinTheNaturalHistoryofLove:

Byandlarge,theclanshipstructureandsociallifeofmostprimitivesocietiesprovide wholesale intimacy and a broad distribution of affection;…mostprimitive peoples fail to see any great difference between individuals, andhencedonotbecomeinvolvedinuniqueconnectionsintheWesternfashion;any number of trained observers have commented on the ease of theirdetachment from love objects, and their candid belief in theinterchangeabilityofloves.Dr.AudreyRichards,ananthropologistwholivedamongtheBembaofNorthernRhodesiainthe1930s,oncerelatedtoagroupof them an English folk-fable about a young prince who climbed glassmountains,crossedchasms,andfoughtdragons,alltoobtainthehandofthemaidenhe loved.TheBembawereplainlybewildered,but remainedsilent.Finally an old chief spoke up, voicing the feelings of all present in the

simplestofquestions:“Whynottakeanothergirl?”heasked.

MargaretMead’swell-knownstudyoftheSamoansshowslikewisethatdeepemotional attachments between individuals are very foreign to such societies’psychologyandpatternofliving.2Whilesexualpromiscuityandashortdurationof sexual relationships are sanctioned and encouraged, any tendency to formstrong emotional bonds between individuals is actively discouraged. If love isself-expressionandself-celebration,aswellascelebrationoftheother,thinkofthe self-esteem implications of the Samoan orientation—or of its spiritualequivalentincontemporary“sexclubs”inNewYorkCity.

In the mores regulating sexual activity in primitive cultures, one oftenencountersafearof,evenanantagonismtoward,sexualattachmentsthatgrowout of (whatwe call) love. Indeed, sexual activity often appears acceptable tomostwhenthefeelingsthatpromptitaresuperficial.“IntheTrobriandislands,forinstance,”writesG.RattrayTaylor:

Adults do not mind if children engage in sexual play and attemptprecociously toperformthesexualact;asadolescents, theymaysleepwithoneanother,providedonlythattheyarenotinlovewithoneanother.Iftheyfallinlove,thesexualactbecomesforbidden,andforloverstosleeptogetherwouldoutragedecency.3

Love,ifitoccurs,issometimesmoreseverelyregulatedthansex.(Ofcourse,

inmanyinstancesthereisnotevenawordfor“love”inanysenseapproximatingour own.) Passionate individual attachments are seen as threatening to tribalvaluesandtribalauthority.Again,thinkoftheimplicationsforself-esteem.

One encounters the tribal mentality again in the technologically advancedsociety of George Orwell’s 1984, where the full power and authority of atotalitarianstateisaimedatcrushingtheself-assertiveindividualismofromanticlove. The contempt of twentieth-century dictatorships for a citizen’s desire tohave“apersonallife,”thecharacterizationofsuchadesireas“pettybourgeoisselfishness,”istoowellknowntorequiredocumentation.Moderndictatorshipsmayhaveabettergraspofindividualitythandidprimitivetribes,buttheresultisthat the hostility is more virulent. When I attended the First InternationalConferenceonSelf-EsteeminNorwayin1990,aSovietscholarremarked,“AsAmericans,youcan’tpossiblygrasptheextenttowhichtheideaofself-esteemis absent in our country. It’s not understood. And if it were, it would becondemnedaspoliticallysubversive.”

WhatisinterestingaboutmodernJapanisthatitisasemifreesocietywhose

tradition is tribal and authoritarian while containingwithin itself some liberalforces thrusting towardgreater individualismandfreedomfromtheconstraintsof old ways. Here is Jonathan Rauch commenting on the “older” aspect ofJapaneseculture:ThereisadisturbingsideofJapan:atraditional,preliberalside.Thebaseball

teams often train their players to the point of pain and exhaustion on thegrounds that this will build strength of spirit. In high school hazings,underclassmenarehumiliatedandbulliedontheunderstandingthattheywillgettheirownturnatbullyingwhentheybecomeupperclassmen.Intheever-presentJapanesesenioritysystems, theyoungsufferandpaytheirduesandlearntoendureandacceptandlaterinflictthesame.Thebully-worshippingportion of Japan is only one sector of the rich and diverse Japanesemoralgeography.Yet Iwasnot in Japanaweekbefore this sectorhaddrawnmyattention and seduced me with its vaguely fascist magnetism…. As ithappened,IhadbeenrecentlyreadingPlato,andwhenIsawthetraditionalJapanese values—strength through suffering, strength through hierarchy,strength through individual submersion in the group—I recognized what Ibeheld….NoonewouldhaveadmiredthetraditionalJapanesevaluesmorethanPlato,whowouldhaveseeninthemthegleamingSpartaofhisdreams.4SomeyearsagoIhadaJapaneseteacherofaikidoasapsychotherapyclient.

He had moved from Japan to California at the age of twenty-two. He said,“Japanischanging,sure,buttheweightoftraditionisstillveryheavy.Theideaof self-esteembarely exists, and it’s really something else there, notwhatyouwrite about, notwhat I understand andwant formyself.There, it’s all tiedupwithagroupthing—family,thecompany,youknow,notreallytheindividual.Isawmyfriendsstrugglingwiththeissue,notknowinghowtoputitintowords.Icameto theStatesbecauseI like thegreater individualism.Alotofpeoplearecrazyhere,youknow,reallymixedup—butstill,Ithinkthere’sabetterchancetodevelopself-esteemhere.”

My point is not that the Japanese culture in its entirety is unsupportive ofself-esteem. The culture is far too diverse and contains too many conflictingvalues for any such proposition. The elements alluded to above are indeedinimical to self-esteem. There is much in Japanese culture that discouragesautonomy, as is generally true of tribal cultures. But there are other elementswhose psychological effects are positive. A high regard for knowledge andlearning. An understanding of the importance of being fully accountable forone’sactionsandcommitments.Alovingprideinworkwelldone.Inculturesofhighdiversity, it ismore useful to thinkof the implications for self-esteemofspecificbeliefsorvaluesratherthanofthecultureasawhole.

What one can say as a generalization is that tribal cultures discountindividualityandencouragedependencyandtothisextentmaybecharacterizedasunfriendlytoself-esteem.

TheReligiousMentality In California, when educators introduced self-esteem curricula into theschools, the most fervent opponents were Christian fundamentalists. Theydenouncesuchprogramsas“self-worship.”Theyarguethatself-esteemalienateschildrenfromGod.

Irecall,manyyearsago,aCarmelitenunspeakingofhertraining.“Weweretaught that the enemy to be annihilated, the barrier between ourselves andDivinity, was the self. Eyes cast down—not to see too much. Emotionssuppressed—nottofeeltoomuch.Alifeofprayersandservice—nottothinktoomuch.Aboveall,obedience—nottoquestion.”

Throughouthistory,whereverreligionhasbeenstateenforced,consciousnesshasbeenpunished.Forthesinofthinking,menandwomenhavebeentorturedand executed. This is why the American idea of the absolute separation ofChurch and State was of such historic significance: it forbade any religiousgroup to use themachinery of government to persecute thosewho thought orbelieveddifferently.

Throughouthistory,whereverreligionhasbeenstateenforced,consciousnesshasbeenpunished.

When beliefs are arrived at not by a process of reason but by faith and

allegedrevelation—whentherearenoobjectivecriteriaofknowledgetoappealto—thosewho think differently are often perceived by believers as a threat, adanger, capable of spreading the disease of nonbelief to others. For example,considerthetypicalreligiousresponsetoatheism.IfonehasarrivedatbeliefinGod through some authentic personal experience, one would imagine that anappropriate response to those not similarly advantaged would be compassion.Instead,moreoftenthannot,theresponseishatred.Why?Theanswercanonlybethattheatheist isexperiencedbythebelieverasathreat.Yetif thebelievertrulyfeelsnotonlythatGodexistsbutthatGodisonhisorherside,thenitistheatheist,notthebeliever,whoshouldreceivekindnessandsympathy,having

lacked the good fortune to be touched by the experience of Divinity. (As ithappens, theBible sets theprecedent for this lackofbenevolence;weare toldJesus threatened those who did not believe he was the son of God with aneternityoftorment.AndintheKoran,Mohammedisnomoremerciful towardnonbelievers.Religious support for cruelty toward thosewhodon’t agreewithonehasalonghistory.)

Ofcourse the issue isdeeper than theismversus atheism.For thousandsofyears men have killed other men in the name of different notions of God.Terrible religious wars were between people all of whom called themselvesChristians.

Historically,notonlyhastraditionalreligiongenerallysetitselfinoppositiontoscience,ithasalsocondemnedmostpersonalmysticism—becausethemysticclaims direct, unmediated experience of God, unrouted through religiousauthority.Forthetraditionalreligionist,themysticwhooperatesoutsidetheorbitofthechurchistoomuchofan“individualist.”

Mypurposehereisnotanexaminationoftheimpactofreligionassuch,butonly religiousauthoritarianismas itmanifests itself inagivenculture. If thereare religions or specific religious teachings that encourage the individual tovalue him-or herself and that support intellectual openness and independentthinking,thentheyareoutsidethescopeofthisdiscussion.Myfocushereisonthe effects for self-esteem of cultures (or subcultures) in which religiousauthoritarianism dominates, in which belief is commanded and dissent isregardedassin.Insuchsituations,livingconsciously,self-responsibly,andself-assertivelyisproscribed.

It would be a mistake to let one’s thinking on this point stop at Islam orRoman Catholicism. Luther and Calvin were no friendlier to the independentmindthanwasthepope.

If, in any culture, children are taught, “We are all equally unworthy in thesightofGod”—

If,inanyculture,childrenaretaught,“Youareborninsinandaresinfulbynature”—

Ifchildrenaregivenamessagethatamountsto“Don’tthink,don’tquestion,believe”—

Ifchildrenaregivenamessagethatamountsto“Whoareyoutoplaceyourmindabovethatofthepriest,theminister,therabbi?”—

Ifchildrenaretold,“Ifyouhavevalueitisnotbecauseofanythingyouhavedoneorcouldeverdo,itisonlybecauseGodlovesyou”—

If children are told, “Submission to what you cannot understand is thebeginningofmorality”—

Ifchildrenareinstructed,“Donotbe‘willful,’self-assertivenessisthesinofpride”—

Ifchildrenareinstructed,“Neverthinkthatyoubelongtoyourself”—If children are informed, “In any clash between your judgment and thatof

yourreligiousauthorities,itisyourauthoritiesyoumustbelieve”—If children are informed, “Self-sacrifice is the foremost virtue and noblest

duty”——thenconsiderwhatwillbethelikelyconsequencesforthepracticeofliving

consciously,or thepracticeof self-assertiveness,oranyof theotherpillarsofhealthyself-esteem.

Inanyculture,subculture,orfamilyinwhichbeliefisvaluedabovethought,and self-surrender is valued above self-expression, and conformity is valuedabove integrity, those who preserve their self-esteem are likely to be heroicexceptions.

In my experience, what makes discussions of the impact of religiousteachings difficult is the high degree of individual interpretation ofwhat theymean.Ihavebeentoldonoccasionthatnoneoftheteachingsgivenabovereallymeanwhatitsoundslikeitmeans.ManyChristiansIhavetalkedtoassuremethattheypersonallyknowwhatJesusChristreallymeantbutthat,alas,millionsofotherChristiansdon’t.

Whatisinarguable,however,isthatwheneverandwhereverreligionofanykind (Christian or non-Christian) has been backed by the power of the state,consciousness, independence, and self-assertiveness have been punished,sometimeswithappallingcruelty.Thisisthesimplefactatwhichonemustlookin weighing the cultural/psychological impact on individuals of the religiousauthoritarian orientation. This does not mean that all religious ideas arenecessarily mistaken. But it does mean that if one looks from a historicalperspectiveatonecultureafter another,onecannotclaim that the influenceofreligioningeneralhasbeensalutaryforself-esteem.

The subject of religion tends to provoke strong passions.To some readers,almost every sentence in this sectionmaybe incendiary.Mycolleagues in theself-esteemmovementareunderstandablyeagertopersuadepeoplethatthereareno conflicts between the self-esteem agenda and the precepts of conventionalreligion.Indiscussionswithreligiouscritics,Imyselfhavesometimesasked,“IfyoubelievethatwearethechildrenofGod,isn’titblasphemytosuggestthatwenotloveourselves?”Andyet,thequestionremains:Ifthefundamentalistshavegone on the warpath about the introduction of self-esteem programs in theschools because they believe such programs are incompatible with traditionalreligion, is it possible they are notmistaken? That is a question thatmust be

faced.If, as ismyhope, the six pillarswill onedaybe taught to school-children,

well—hasanyreligiousorthodoxyeverwantedapeoplefullycommittedtothepracticeoflivingconsciously?Andwillboysandgirls(andmenandwomen)ofhigh self-esteem accept Protestant theologian Paul Tillich’s assertion thateveryoneisequallyunworthyinthesightofGod?

TheAmericanCulture The United States of America is a culture with the greatest number ofsubcultures of any country in the world. It is a society characterized by anextraordinary diversity of values and beliefs in virtually every sphere of life.Andyet, ifweunderstandthatwewillbespeakingonlyofdominant trends towhich thereareanynumberofcountervailingforces, there isasense inwhichwemaylegitimatelyspeakof“Americanculture.”

WhatwassohistoricallyextraordinaryaboutthecreationoftheUnitedStatesofAmericawasitsconsciousrejectionofthetribalpremise.TheDeclarationofIndependence proclaimed the revolutionary doctrine of individual, inalienablerights and asserted that the government exists for the individual, not theindividualforthegovernment.Althoughourpoliticalleadershavebetrayedthisvision many ways and many times, it still contains the essence of what theabstraction—America—stands for. Freedom. Individualism. The right to thepursuitofhappiness.Self-ownership.Theindividualasanendinhim-orherself,notameanstotheendsofothers;notthepropertyoffamilyorchurchorstateorsociety.Theseideaswereradicalatthetimetheywereproclaimed,andIdonotbelievetheyarefullyunderstoodoracceptedyet;notbymostpeople.

WhatwassohistoricallyextraordinaryaboutthecreationoftheUnitedStatesofAmericawasitsconsciousrejectionofthetribalpremise.

ManyoftheFoundingFatherswereDeists.TheysawGodasaforcethathad

created theuniverseand then largelywithdrewfromhumanaffairs.Theywerekeenlyawareoftheevilthatresultedwhenanyparticularreligiongainedaccessto the machinery of government and thereby acquired power to enforce itsviews.AsmenoftheEnlightenment,theytendedtobesuspiciousoftheclergy.GeorgeWashingtonsaidexplicitlythattheUnitedStateswasnottobeidentified

as “a Christian nation.” Freedom of conscience was integral to the Americantraditionfromthebeginning.

To this day, as Harold Bloom observes in The American Religion, theAmerican’srelationshiptohisorherGodisahighlypersonalone,unmediatedbyanygrouporauthority.5 It isanencounter that takesplacein thecontextofutterspiritualaloneness.Thisisquiteunlikewhatonetendstofindelsewhereintheworld.ItreflectstheindividualismattheheartoftheAmericanexperience.ThemajorityofAmericans,accordingtoBloom,areconvincedthatGodlovesthem in a highly personal way. He contrasts this perspective with Spinoza’sobservationinhisEthics thatwhoeverlovedGodtrulyshouldnotexpecttobelovedbyGodinreturn.Americanstendtoseethemselvesasthechosenpeople.

AtthecoreoftheAmericantraditionwasthefactthatthiscountrywasbornasafrontiernationwherenothingwasgivenandeverythinghadtobecreated.Self-disciplineandhardworkwerehighlyesteemedculturalvalues.Therewasastrongthemeofcommunityandmutualaid,tobesure,butnotassubstitutesforself-reliance and self-responsibility. Independent people helped one anotherwhentheycould,butultimatelyeveryonewasexpectedtocarryhisorherownweight.

Innineteenth-centuryAmerica,peoplewerenoteducatedin“thepsychologyofentitlement.”Theywerenotencouragedtobelievethattheywerebornwithaclaimonthework,energy,andresourcesofothers.Thislastwasaculturalshiftthatoccurredinthetwentiethcentury.

This generalized account of traditionalAmerican culture leavesout a gooddeal.Itdoesnot,forinstance,addresstheinstitutionofslavery,thetreatmentofblack Americans as second-class citizens, or legal discrimination againstwomen,whoonlyacquired the right tovote in this century. Just the same,wecansaythattotheextenttheAmericanvisionwasactualized,itdidagooddealto encourage healthy self-esteem. It encouraged human beings to believe inthemselvesandintheirpossibilities.

At thesametime,aculture ismadeofpeople—andpeople inevitablycarrythepastwiththem.Americansmayhaverepudiatedthetribalpremisepolitically,but they or their ancestors came from countries dominated by the tribalmentality, which often continued to influence them culturally andpsychologically. They may in some instances have come to these shores toescapereligiousprejudiceandpersecution,butmanyofthemcarriedthemind-setofreligiousauthoritarianismwith them.Theybroughtoldwaysof thinkingaboutrace,religion,andgenderintotheNewWorld.Conflictingculturalvalues,presentfromthebeginning,continuetothisday.Inourpresentculture,pro-self-esteemforcesandanti-self-esteemforcescollideconstantly.

The twentieth century witnessed a shift in cultural values in the UnitedStates,andpredominatelytheshifthasnotsupportedhigherself-esteembuthasencouragedtheopposite.

IamthinkingoftheideasIwastaughtincollegeanduniversity,duringthe1950s,whenepistemologicalagnosticism(nottosaynihilism)joinedhandswithmoral relativism,which joinedhandswithMarxism.Togetherwithmillionsofotherstudents,Iwasinformedthat:

Themind is powerless toknow reality as it really is; ultimately,mind isimpotent.

Thesensesareunreliableanduntrustworthy;“everythingisanillusion.”Principlesoflogicare“mereconventions.” Principles of ethics aremere “expressions of feelings,”with no basis in

reasonorreality.Norationalcodeofmoralvaluesispossible.Sinceallbehaviorisdeterminedbyfactorsoverwhichonehasnocontrol,no

onedeservescreditforanyachievement.Sinceallbehaviorisdeterminedbyfactorsoverwhichonehasnocontrol,no

oneshouldbeheldresponsibleforanywrongdoing. Whencrimesarecommitted,“society,”never the individual, is theculprit

(except forcrimescommittedbybusinessmen, inwhichcaseonly themostseverepunishmentisappropriate).

Everyonehasanequalclaimonwhatevergoodsorservicesexist—notionsofthe“earned”and“unearned”arereactionaryandantisocial.

Politicalandeconomicfreedomhavehadtheirchanceandhavefailed,andthefuturebelongstostateownershipandmanagementoftheeconomy,whichwillproduceparadiseonearth.

Ithoughtoftheseideasandoftheprofessorswhotaughttheminthespring

of1992asIsatwatchingontelevisiontheriots inSouth-CentralLosAngeles.Whenalooterwasaskedbyajournalist,“Didn’tyourealizethatthestoresyoulooted and destroyed today wouldn’t be there for you tomorrow,” the looteranswered,“No,Ineverthoughtofthat.”Well,whowouldhaveevertaughthimitwasimportanttolearnhowtothink,when“advantagedchildren”aren’ttaughtiteither?WhenIsawagroupofmendragahelplessmanoutofhistruckandbeathimalmosttodeath,Iheardthevoiceofmyprofessorssaying,“Ifyoufind

thismorallyobjectionable, that’s justyouremotionalbias.There isno rightorwrong behavior.” When I saw men and women laughing gleefully whiledraggingTVsetsandotherhouseholdgoodsoutoflootedstores,Ithoughtoftheprofessors who taught, “No one is responsible for anything he or she does(exceptthegreedycapitalistswhoownthestoresanddeservewhatevertroublethey get).” I thought how perfectly the ideas of my professors had beentranslatedintoculturalreality.Ideasdomatteranddohaveconsequences.

Ifmind is impotentandknowledge is superstition,whyshould a courseon“the great thinkers of theWestern world” be rated as more important than acourseonmodernrockmusic?Whyshouldastudentexerttheeffortofattendingacourseinmathematicswhenheorshecangetcreditforacourseontennis?

If therearenoobjectiveprinciplesofbehavior,andifnooneisresponsibleforhisorheractions,thenwhyshouldn’tbusinessexecutivesdefraudcustomersand clients? Why shouldn’t bankers embezzle or misappropriate customers’funds?Why shouldn’t our political leaders lie to us, betray us in secret deals,withholdfromustheinformationweneedtomakeintelligentchoices?

Ifthe“earned”andthe“unearned”areold-fashioned,reactionaryideas,whyshouldn’t people loot whatever they feel like looting? Why is working for alivingsuperiortostealing?

Ideasdomatteranddohaveconsequences.

Whathasemergedinthesecondhalfofthiscenturyisaculturethatinmany

respects reflects the ideas that were taught for decades in the philosophydepartments of the leading universities of our nation, passed to otherdepartments,andpassedintotheworld.Theybecamethe“receivedwisdom”ofour leading intellectuals.Theysurfaced ineditorialpages, televisionprograms,movies, and comic strips.These ideas are irrational, they cannot be sustained,andthereareagrowingnumberofthinkerswhoopposethem.Still,theyarereadand heard everywhere, with the exception of the eulogizing of Marxism;empiricalevidencehasblastedsocialismintothejunk-heapofhistory.Theideasaredeadlyforcivilization,deadlyforourfuture,anddeadlyforself-esteem.

The American culture is a battleground between the values of self-responsibilityandthevaluesofentitlement.Thisisnottheonlyculturalconflictwecanseearoundus,butitistheonemostrelevanttoself-esteem.Itisalsoattherootofmanyoftheothers.

Weare socialbeingswho realizeourhumanity fullyonly in thecontextof

community.Thevaluesofourcommunitycaninspirethebestinusortheworst.A culture that values mind, intellect, knowledge, and understanding promotesself-esteem;aculturethatdenigratesmindunderminesself-esteem.Acultureinwhichhumanbeingsareheldaccountablefortheiractionssupportsself-esteem;acultureinwhichnooneisheldaccountableforanythingbreedsdemoralizationandself-contempt.Aculturethatprizesself-responsibilityfostersself-esteem;aculture in which people are encouraged to see themselves as victims fostersdependency,passivity,andthementalityofentitlement.Theevidencefor theseobservationsisallaroundus.

TheAmericancultureisabattlegroundbetweenthevaluesofself-responsibilityandthevaluesofentitlement.

Therewill alwaysbe independentmenandwomenwhowill fight for their

autonomyanddignityeven in themostcorruptandcorruptingculture—justastherearechildrenwhocomeoutofnightmarechildhoodswiththeirself-esteemundestroyed. But a world that values consciousness, self-acceptance, self-responsibility, self-assertiveness, purposefulness, and integrity will not preachvalues inimical to themorpass lawsthatdiscourageorpenalize theirexercise.For example, children will not be taught to regard themselves as sinful,obediencewillnotberewardedmorethanintelligentquestioning,studentswillnot be taught reason is a superstition, girls will not be told femininity equalssubmissiveness, self-sacrifice will not be eulogized while productiveachievement is met with indifference, welfare systems will not penalize thechoicetowork,andregulatoryagencieswillnottreatproducersascriminals.

Someawarenessof theserealities is reflected in thefact that thosewhoaregenuinely concerned with the problems of the underclass in America arethinking increasingly about the importance of teaching cognitive skills, thevaluesoftheworkethic,self-responsibility,interpersonalcompetence,theprideof ownership—and objective standards of performance. The philosophy ofvictimhoodhasnotworked, as is evidencedby the steadyworseningof socialproblemsunderseveraldecadesofthatperspective.Wedonothelppeopleoutofpoverty by telling them the responsibility is “the world’s” and that theythemselvesarepowerlessandthatnothingneedbeexpectedofthem.

Christopher Lasch is not a champion of individualism, and he has been avocalcriticoftheself-esteemmovement,whichmakeshisobservationsonthisissueinteresting:

Isitreallynecessarytopointout,atthislatedate,thatpublicpoliciesbasedon a therapeutic model of the state have failed miserably, over and overagain? Far from promoting self-respect, they have created a nation ofdependents.Theyhavegivenrisetoacultofthevictiminwhichentitlementsare based on the display of accumulated injuries inflicted by an uncaringsociety.Thepoliticsof“compassion”degradesboththevictims,byreducingthemtoobjectsofpity,andtheirwould-bebenefactors,whofinditeasiertopity their fellowcitizens than tohold themup to impersonal standards, theattainment ofwhichwouldmake them respected.Compassion has becomethehumanfaceofcontempt.6

In our discussion of living purposefully, I spoke about paying attention to

outcomes. Ifouractionsandprogramsdonotproduce theresults intendedandpromised, then it is our basic premiseswe need to check. It has been rightlynotedthat“doingmoreofwhatdoesn’twork,doesn’twork.”Acultureofself-esteemisacultureofaccountability,whichmeansofself-responsibility.Thereisno other way for human beings to prosper or to live benevolently with oneanother.

In Chapter 12, “The Philosophy of Self-Esteem,” I discussed the premisesthat support self-esteem in that they support and encourage the six pillars. Acultureinwhichthesepremisesaredominant,arewovenintothefabricofchild-rearing,education,art,andorganizationallife,willbeahigh-self-esteemculture.To the extent that the opposite of these premises are dominant we will see acultureinimicaltoself-esteem.Mypointisnotpragmatism:Iamnotsayingweshould subscribe to these ideas because they support self-esteem. I am sayingthatbecausetheseideasareinalignmentwithreality,theyareinalignmentwithandsupportiveofself-esteem.

The focus of this book is psychological, not philosophical, and so I haveexpressed these ideas in a very personalway, as beliefs exist in an individualconsciousness.Butifthereadersensesthatinitsimplicationsthisbookisalmostasmuchaworkofphilosophyasofpsychology,heorshewillnotbemistaken.

TheIndividualandSociety Weall liveinaseaofmessagesconcerningthenatureofourvalueandthestandardsbywhichweshouldjudgeit.Themoreindependentweare,themorecriticallyweexaminethesemessages.Thechallengeisoftentorecognizethemforwhat they are—other people’s ideas and beliefs thatmayormaynot have

merit. The challenge, in other words, is not to take the assumptions of one’scultureasagiven,as“reality,”buttorealizethatassumptionscanbequestioned.Asaboygrowingup,IamsureIbenefitedfromthefactthatmyfather’sfavoritesaying(aftertheGershwinsong,Iimagine)was,“Itain’tnecessarilyso.”

Culturesdonotencouragethequestioningoftheirownpremises.Oneofthemeanings of living consciously has to do with one’s awareness that otherpeople’s beliefs are just that, their beliefs, and not necessarily ultimate truth.This does not mean that living consciously expresses itself in skepticism. Itexpressesitselfincriticalthinking.

Thechallengeisnottotaketheassumptionsofone’scultureasagiven,as“reality,”buttorealizethatassumptionscanbequestioned.

Therearetensionsbetweentheagendaofasocietyandthatofanyindividual

thatmaybeinevitable.Societiesareprimarilyconcernedwiththeirownsurvivaland perpetuation. They tend to encourage the values that are perceived asservingthatend.Thesevaluesmayhavenothingtodowiththegrowthneedsorpersonalaspirationsofindividuals.Forexample,amilitaristicnationortribe,inadversarial relationships with other nations or tribes, tends to value warriorvirtues: aggressiveness, indifference to pain, absolute obedience to authorities,andsoon.Butthisdoesnotmeanthatfromthestandpointofanindividual,hisinterests are served by identifying masculinity or worth with those particulartraits,even thoughhewill be encouragedorpressured todo so.Hemay set adifferentagendaofhisown,whichhisculturemay label“selfish,”suchas thelife of a scholar. In holding to his own standards, in his eyes he manifestsintegrity;hissocietymaybrandhimasdisloyalornarrowandpettyinhisvision.Or again, a society may identify its interests with a large and growingpopulation,inwhichcasewomenwillbeencouragedtobelievethereisnoglorycomparable to motherhood and no other standard of true femininity. Yet anindividualwomanmayseeherlifeanotherway;hervaluesmayleadhertowardacareerthatprecludesorpostponesmotherhood,andshemayormaynothavethe independence to judge her life by her own standards and to understandwomanhood very differently from her mother, her minister, or hercontemporaries(who,again,maybrandheras“selfish”).

Theaveragepersontendstojudgehim-orherselfbythevaluesprevalentinhissocialenvironment,astransmittedbyfamilymembers,politicalandreligiousleaders, teachers, newspaper and television editorials, and popular art such as

movies.Thesevaluesmayormaynotberationalandmayormaynotanswertotheneedsoftheindividual.

I am sometimes asked if a person cannot achieve genuine self-esteem byconforming and living up to cultural norms that he or she may never havethoughtabout,letalonequestioned,andthatdonotnecessarilymakeagooddealofsense.Isnotthesafetyandsecurityofbelongingwithandtothegroupaformofself-esteem?Doesnotgroupvalidationandsupportleadtoanexperienceoftrue self-worth?The error here is in equating any feelingof safetyor comfortwithself-esteem.Conformity isnotself-efficacy;popularity isnotself-respect.Whateveritsgratifications,asenseofbelongingisnotequaltotrustinmymindorconfidenceinmyabilitytomasterthechallengesoflife.ThefactthatothersesteemmeisnoguaranteeIwillesteemmyself.

Genuineself-esteemiswhatwefeelaboutourselveswheneverythingisnotallright.

If I livea lifeofunthinkingroutine,withnochallengesorcrises, Imaybe

able to evade for a while the fact that what I possess is not self-esteem butpseudoself-esteem.Wheneverythingisallright,everythingisallright,butthatis not how we determine the presence of self-esteem. Genuine self-esteem iswhatwefeelaboutourselveswheneverythingisnotallright.Thismeans,whenwearechallengedbytheunexpected,whenothersdisagreewithus,whenweareflungbackonourownresources,whenthecocoonof thegroupcannolongerinsulateusfromthetasksandrisksoflife,whenwemustthink,choose,decide,andactandnooneisguidingusorapplaudingus.Atsuchmomentsourdeepestpremisesrevealthemselves.

Oneofthebiggestlieswewereevertoldisthatitis“easy”tobeselfishandthat self-sacrifice takes spiritual strength. People sacrifice themselves in athousand ways every day. This is their tragedy. To honor the self—to honormind, judgment, values, and convictions—is the ultimate act of courage.Observehowrareitis.Butitiswhatself-esteemasksofus.

18

Conclusion:TheSeventhPillarofSelf-Esteem

EarlyinthisbookIsaidtheneedforself-esteemisasummonstotheherowithinus.Althoughwhat thismeans is threaded throughour entire discussion, let usmakeitfullyexplicit.

Itmeansawillingness—andawill—tolive thesixpracticeswhentodosomaynotbeeasy.Wemayneed toovercome inertia, facedownfears,confrontpain,orstandaloneinloyaltytoourownjudgment,evenagainstthosewelove.

Nomatterhownurturingourenvironment,rationality,self-responsibility,andintegrityareneverautomatic;theyalwaysrepresentanachievement.Wearefreetothinkortoavoidthinking,freetoexpandconsciousnessortocontractit,freetomovetowardrealityortowithdrawfromit.Thesixpillarsallentailchoice.

Livingconsciouslyrequiresaneffort.Generatingandsustainingawarenessiswork. Every time we choose to raise the level of our consciousness, we actagainst inertia.Wepitourselvesagainstentropy, the tendencyofeverything intheuniversetorundowntowardchaos.Inelectingtothink,westrivetocreateanislandoforderandclaritywithinourselves.

Thefirstenemyofself-esteemwemayneedtoovercomeislaziness(whichmaybe thenamewegive to theforcesof inertiaandentropyas theymanifestpsychologically).“Laziness”isnota termweordinarilyencounter inbooksonpsychology.Andyet,isanyoneunawarethatsometimeswefailourselvesfornoreason other than the disinclination to generate the effort of an appropriateresponse? (In The Psychology of Self-Esteem, I called this phenomenon“antieffort.”) Sometimes, of course, laziness is abetted by fatigue; but notnecessarily.Sometimeswe are just lazy;meaningwedonot challenge inertia,wedonotchoosetoawaken.

The other dragonwemay need to slay is the impulse toavoid discomfort.Livingconsciouslymayobligateus toconfrontour fears; itmaybringus into

contactwithunresolvedpain.Self-acceptancemayrequirethatwemakerealtoourselvesthoughts,feelings,oractionsthatdisturbourequilibrium;itmayshakeupour“official”self-concept.Self-responsibilityobligesustofaceourultimatealoneness;itdemandsthatwerelinquishfantasiesofarescuer.Self-assertivenessentails the courage to be authentic, with no guarantee of how others willrespond;itmeansthatweriskbeingourselves.Livingpurposefullypullsusoutof passivity into the demanding life of high focus; it requires thatwe be self-generators.Livingwith integritydemands thatwechooseourvaluesandstandbythem,whetherthisispleasantandwhetherothersshareourconvictions;therearetimeswhenitdemandshardchoices.

Taking the long view, it is easy to see that high-self-esteem people arehappier than low-self-esteem people. Self-esteem is the best predictor ofhappinesswehave.Butintheshortterm,self-esteemrequiresthewillingnesstoendurediscomfortwhenthatiswhatone’sspiritualgrowthentails.

Ifoneofour toppriorities is toavoiddiscomfort, ifwemake thisahighervaluethanourself-regard,thenunderpressurewewillabandonthesixpracticespreciselywhenweneedthemmost.

Thedesiretoavoiddiscomfortisnot,perse,avice.Butwhensurrenderingtoit blindsus to important realities and leadsus away fromnecessary actions, itresultsintragedy.

Hereisthebasicpattern:First,weavoidwhatweneedtolookatbecausewedonotwanttofeelpain.Thenouravoidanceproducesfurtherproblemsforus,whichwe alsodonotwant to look at because they evokepain.Then thenewavoidanceproducesadditionalproblemswedonotcaretoexamine—andsoon.Layerofavoidanceispiledonlayerofavoidance,disownedpainondisownedpain.Thisistheconditionofmostadults.

Hereisthereversalofthebasicpattern:First,wedecidethatourself-esteemandourhappinessmattermorethanshort-termdiscomfortorpain.Wetakebabystepsatbeingmoreconscious,self-accepting,responsible,andsoon.Wenoticethatwhenwedo thiswe likeourselvesmore.This inspiresus topushon andattempttogofarther.Webecomemoretruthfulwithourselvesandothers.Self-esteem rises.We take on harder assignments.We feel a little tougher, a littlemore resourceful. It becomes easier to confront discomfiting emotions andthreatening situations; we feel we have more assets with which to cope. Webecome more self-assertive. We feel stronger. We are building the spiritualequivalent of a muscle. Experiencing ourselves as more powerful, we seedifficultiesinmorerealisticperspective.Wemayneverbeentirelyfreeoffearorpain,buttheyhavelessenedimmeasurably,andwearenotintimidatedbythem.Integrityfeelslessthreateningandmorenatural.

If the processwere entirely easy, if therewas nothing hard about it at anypoint, if perseverance and courage were never needed—everyone would havegood self-esteem.But a lifewithout effort, struggle, or suffering is an infant’sdream.

Neitherstrugglenorpainhasintrinsicvalue.Whentheycanbeavoidedwithno harmful consequences, they should be. A good psychotherapist works tomake the process of growth no more difficult than it needs to be. When Iexaminemyowndevelopmentasa therapistover thepast threedecades, I seethatoneofmygoalshasbeentomakeself-examination,self-confrontation,andthe building of self-esteem as unstressful as possible. The evolution of myapproachandtechniquehashadthisintentionfromthebeginning.

One of the ways this is accomplished is by helping people see that doingwhat is difficult but necessary need not be “a big thing.”We do not have tocatastrophizefearordiscomfort.Wecanaccept themaspartof life, face themanddealwiththemasbestwecan,andkeepmovinginthedirectionofourbestpossibilities.

Butalways,willisneeded.Perseveranceisneeded.Courageisneeded.Theenergy for this commitment canonlycome from the lovewehave for

ourownlife.This love is thebeginningofvirtue. It is the launchingpad forourhighest

andnoblestaspirations.Itisthemotivepowerthatdrivesthesixpillars.Itistheseventhpillarofself-esteem.

APPENDIXA:

CritiqueofOtherDefinitionsofSelf-Esteem

To set my definition of self-esteem in context, I want to comment on a fewrepresentativedefinitionsthathavebeenproposed.

The“father”ofAmericanpsychologyisWilliamJames,andinhisPrinciplesofPsychology,originallypublishedin1890,wefindtheearliestattemptIknowoftodefineself-esteem:

I,whoforthetimehavestakedmyallonbeingapsychologist,ammortifiedifothersknowmuchmorepsychologythanI.ButIamcontentedtowallowinthegrossestignoranceofGreek.Mydeficienciestheregivemenosenseofpersonalhumiliationatall.HadI“pretensions”tobealinguist,itwouldhavebeen just the reverse….With no attempt there can be no failure; with nofailurenohumiliation.Soourself-feeling in thisworlddependsentirelyonwhatweback ourselves to be and do. It is determined by the ratio of ouractualitiestooursupposedpotentialities;afractionofwhichourpretensionsarethedenominatorandthenumeratoroursuccess:thus,

Suchafractionmaybeincreasedaswellbydiminishingthedenominatoras

byincreasingthenumerator.

IsaidinmyIntroductionthatwhoeverspeaksaboutself-esteeminescapablyspeaksabouthimself.ThefirstthingJamesistellingusabouthimselfisthathebaseshisself-esteemonhowwellhecomparestoothersinhischosenfield.Ifnooneelsecanmatchhisexpertise,hisself-esteemissatisfied;ifsomeoneelsesurpasseshim,hisself-esteemisdevastated.Heistellingusthatinasenseheisplacinghisself-esteematthemercyofothers.Inhisprofessionallife,thisgives

himavestedinterestinbeingsurroundedbyinferiors;itgiveshimreasontofeartalentratherthanwelcome,admire,andtakepleasureinit.Thisisnotaformulaforhealthy self-esteembutaprescription foranxiety.To tieour self-esteem toanyfactoroutsideourvolitionalcontrol,suchasthechoicesoractionsofothers,istoinviteanguish.Thatsomanypeoplejudgethemselvesjustthiswayistheirtragedy.

If“self-esteemequalssuccessdividedbypretensions,”then,asJamespointsout,self-esteemcanequallybeprotectedbyincreasingone’ssuccessorloweringone’s pretensions.Thismeans that a personwho aspires to nothing, neither inworknorincharacter,andachievesit,andapersonofhighaccomplishmentandhighcharacter,areequalsinself-esteem.Idonotbelievethatthisisanideaatwhichanyonecouldhavearrivedbypayingattention to therealworld.Peoplewithaspirationssolowthat theymeetthemmindlesslyandeffortlesslyarenotconspicuousfortheirpsychologicalwell-being.

How well we live up to our personal standards and values (which Jamesunfortunatelycalls“pretensions”)clearlyhasabearingonourself-esteem.ThevalueofJames’sdiscussionisthatitdrawsattentiontothisfact.Butitisafactthat cannot properly be understood in a vacuum, as if the content of ourstandardsandvalueswere irrelevant andnothingmorewere involved than theneutralformulaJamesproposes.Literally,hisformulaislessadefinitionofself-esteemthanastatementconcerninghowhebelievesthelevelofself-esteemisdeterminednotinsomeunfortunateindividualsbutineveryone.

Oneof thebestbookswrittenon self-esteem isStanleyCoopersmith’sTheAntecedentsofSelf-Esteem.Hisresearchonthecontributionofparentsremainsinvaluable.Hewrites:

By self-esteemwe refer to the evaluation that the individualmakes andcustomarily maintains with regard to himself: it expresses an attitude ofapproval or disapproval, and indicates the extent to which the individualbelieveshimself tobecapable,significant,successful,andworthy.Inshort,self-esteem is a personal judgment of worthiness that is expressed in theattitudestheindividualholdstowardhimself.

RelativetoJames,thisformulationrepresentsagreatstepforward.Itspeaks

much more directly to what our experience of self-esteem is. Yet there arequestionsitraisesandleavesunanswered.

“Capable” ofwhat?All of us are capable in some areas and not in others.Capable relative to whatever we undertake? Then must any lack of adequatecompetence diminish self-esteem? I do not think Coopersmith would want to

suggestthis,buttheimplicationislefthanging.“Significant”—whatdoesthismean?Significantinwhatway?Significantin

theeyesofothers?Whichothers?Significantbywhatstandards?“Successful”—does this mean worldly success? Financial success? Career

success?Social success?Success concerningwhat?Note he is not saying thatself-esteem contains the idea that success (in principle) is appropriate; he issayingthatself-esteemcontainstheideaofseeingoneselfassuccessful—whichisentirelydifferentandtroublesomeinitsimplications.

“Worthy”—of what? Happiness? Money? Love? Anything the individualdesires?My sense is that Coopersmithwouldmean by “worthy” prettymuchwhatIspelloutaboveinmyowndefinition,buthedoesnotsayso.

Anotherdefinition is offeredbyRichardL.Bednar,M.GawainWells, andScott R. Peterson in their book Self-Esteem: Paradoxes and Innovations inClinicalTheoryandPractice:

Parenthetically,wedefineself-esteemasasubjectiveandenduringsenseofrealisticself-approval.Itreflectshowtheindividualviewsandvaluestheselfat the most fundamental levels of psychological experiencing. …Fundamentally, then, self-esteem is an enduring and affective sense ofpersonalvaluebasedonaccurateself-perception.

“Approval”—concerning what? Everything about the self from physical

appearance to actions to intellectual functioning?Wearenot told. “Views andvaluestheself”—concerningwhatissuesorcriteria?“Anenduringandaffectivesenseofpersonalvalue”—whatdoesthismean?Onetheotherhand,whatIlikeinthisformulationistheobservationthatgenuineself-esteemisrealitybased.

One of the most widely publicized definitions of self-esteem is given inToward a State of Esteem: The Final Report of the California Task Force toPromoteSelfandPersonalandSocialResponsibility:

Self-esteemisdefinedas:“Appreciatingmyownworthandimportanceandhaving the character to be accountable for myself and to act responsiblytowardothers.”

In this definition, we find the same lack of specificity as in the other

definitions—“worth and importance” concerning what? There is anotherproblem with the task force statement: inserting into the definition what isobviously meant to be a basic source of healthy self-esteem (that is, beingaccountableforoneselfandactingresponsiblytowardothers).Adefinitionofapsychologicalstateismeanttotelluswhatastateis,nothowonegetsthere.Did

thepeoplewhoofferedthisdefinitionwantustounderstandthatifwedon’tactresponsiblytowardotherswewon’tpossesshealthyself-esteem?Ifso,theyareprobably right, but is that part of the definition—or is it a different issue?(Almost certainly such a definition is influenced by “political” rather thanscientificconsiderations—to reassurepeople that championsof self-esteemarenotfosteringpetty,irresponsible“selfishness.”)

Finally,therearethoseintheself-esteemmovementwhoannouncethat“self-esteemmeans‘Iamcapableandlovable.’”

Againwemustask,“Capable”ofwhat?Iamagreatskier,abrilliantlawyer,andafirst-ratechef.However,Idon’tfeelcompetenttoassessindependentlythemoralvaluesmymothertaughtme.Ifeel,WhoamItoknow?Insuchacase,amI“capable”?DoIhaveself-esteem?

Asto“lovable”—yes,feelinglovableisoneofthecharacteristicsofhealthyself-esteem. So is feelingworthy of happiness and success. Is feeling lovablemoreimportant?Evidently,sincetheothertwoitemsarenotmentioned.Bywhatreasoning?

Ishallnotbelaborthepointbyofferingadditionalexamplesthatwouldonlyreflectvariationsofthesamedifficulties.

APPENDIXB:

ASentence-CompletionExerciseforBuildingSelf-Esteem

Iwanttosharewiththereaderathirty-one-weeksentence-completionprogramIdeveloped specifically to build self-esteem. Some fairly complex theoreticalideas are embedded in these stems and in their progression, which cannot beappreciatedwithoutexperienceindoingtheexercise.

Wehavealreadyseen thepowerful role that sentence-completionworkcanplay in facilitating self-understanding andpersonal development.Theprogramoffered here aims at facilitating understanding of the six pillars and theirapplication todaily life.The readerwillnote that theme threading through theentire exercise.The issues raised in theprogramare explored in the courseoftherapy in many different ways and from many different angles; the client’sendings invariably suggest additional pathways of needed attention. Whatfollowsisthegenericversion,whichitselfkeepsevolvingandbeingrevised.

Tomaketheprogramcompleteandself-contained,Ihavehadtorestatesomepointsmadeearlier.Somestemsintroducedpreviouslyarebroughttogetherhere,alongwithnewones,andorganizedinaparticularstructure that is intendedtoleadthe individual toaprogressiveawakening: to increasedself-understandingandastrengtheningofself-esteem.

It isas ifhalfof thissectionwerewritten in invisible ink—whichbecomesvisibleonlyover time,asoneworkswith thestemsandstudies thepatterns inone’sendings.Ihopetheprogramwillbestudiedwiththatrealizationinmind.

TheProgram When working with sentence completion on your own, you can use anotebook, typewriter, or computer. (An acceptable alternative is to do the

sentencecompletionsintoataperecorder,inwhichcaseyoukeeprepeatingthestemintoarecorder,eachtimecompletingitwithadifferenceending,andplaytheworkbacklatertoreflectonit.)WEEK1Firstthinginthemorning,beforeproceedingtotheday’sbusiness,sitandwritethe following stem: If I bringmore awareness tomy life today—Then, asrapidlyaspossible,withoutpausingforreflection,writeasmanyendingsforthatsentence as you can in two or threeminutes (never fewer than six and ten isenough).Donotworry ifyourendingsare literally true,ormakesense,orare“profound.”Writeanything,butwritesomething.

Then,goontothenextstem:IfItakemoreresponsibilityformychoicesandactionstoday—Then:IfIpaymoreattentiontohowIdealwithpeopletoday—

Then:IfIboostmyenergylevelby5percenttoday—

Whenyouarefinished,proceedwithyourday’sbusiness.Dothisexerciseeveryday,MondaythroughFridayforthefirstweek,always

beforethestartoftheday’sbusiness.Naturally there will be many repetitions. But also, new endings will

inevitablyoccur.Timespentmeditatingon theseendings“stokes” thecreativeunconscious to generate connections and insights and to propel growth.Whenwe intensify awareness,we tend to evokeaneed for action that expressesourpsychologicalstate.

Sometimeeachweekend,rereadwhatyouhavewrittenfortheweek,thendoaminimumof sixendings for this stem:Ifanyofwhat Iwrote thisweek istrue,itmightbehelpfulifI—Thisfacilitatestranslationofnewlearningsintoaction.Continuethispracticethroughouttheprogramontheweekend.

In doing this work, the ideal is to empty your mind of any expectationsconcerningwhatwillhappenorwhat is“supposed” tohappen.Donot imposeany demands on the situation.Do the exercise, go about your day’s activities,takealittletimetomeditateonyourendingswhenyoucan,andmerelynoticeanydifferencesinhowyoufeelorareinclinedtoact.

Remember:Yourendingsmustbeagrammaticalcompletionofthesentence—and ifyourmindgoesabsolutelyempty, invent an ending, but donot allowyourselftostopwiththethoughtthatyoucannotdothisexercise.

Anaveragesessionshouldnottakelongerthantenminutes.Ifittakesmuchlonger, you are “thinking” (rehearsing, calculating) toomuch. Think after theexercise,butnotduringit.

Neverdolessthansixendingsforastem.

WEEK2IfIbring5percentmoreawarenesstomyimportantrelationships—IfIbring5percentmoreawarenesstomyinsecurities—IfIbring5percentmoreawarenesstomydeepestneedsandwants—IfIbring5percentmoreawarenesstomyemotions—WEEK3IfItreatlisteningasacreativeact—IfInoticehowpeopleareaffectedbythequalityofmylistening—IfIbringmoreawarenesstomydealingswithpeopletoday—IfIcommittodealingwithpeoplefairlyandbenevolently—WEEK4IfIbringahigherlevelofself-esteemtomyactivitiestoday—IfIbringahigherlevelofself-esteemtomydealingswithpeopletoday

—IfIam5percentmoreself-acceptingtoday—IfIamself-acceptingevenwhenImakemistakes—IfIamself-acceptingevenwhenIfeelconfusedandoverwhelmed—WEEK5IfIammoreacceptingofmybody—IfIdenyanddisownmybody—IfIdenyordisownmyconflicts—IfIammoreacceptingofallthepartsofme—WEEK6IfIwantedtoraisemyself-esteemtoday,Icould—IfIammoreacceptingofmyfeelings—IfIdenyanddisownmyfeelings—IfIammoreacceptingofmythoughts—IfIdenyanddisownmythoughts—WEEK7IfIammoreacceptingofmyfears—IfIdenyanddisownmyfears—IfIweremoreacceptingofmypain—IfIdenyanddisownmypain—

WEEK8IfIammoreacceptingofmyanger—IfIdenyanddisownmyanger—IfIammoreacceptingofmysexuality—IfIdenyanddisownmysexuality—WEEK9IfIammoreacceptingofmyexcitement—IfIdenyanddisownmyexcitement—IfIammoreacceptingofmyintelligence—IfIdenyanddisownmyintelligence—WEEK10IfIammoreacceptingofmyjoy—IfIdenyanddisownmyjoy—IfIbringmoreawarenesstoallthepartsofme—AsIlearntoacceptallofwhoIam—WEEK11Self-responsibilitytomemeans—IfItake5percentmoreresponsibilityformylifeandwell-being—IfIavoidresponsibilityformylifeandwell-being—IfItake5percentmoreresponsibilityfortheattainmentofmygoals—IfIavoidresponsibilityfortheattainmentofmygoals—WEEK12IfItake5percentmoreresponsibilityforthesuccessofmyrelationships

—SometimesIkeepmyselfpassivewhenI—SometimesImakemyselfhelplesswhenI—Iambecomingaware—WEEK13IfItake5percentmoreresponsibilityformystandardofliving—IfItake5percentmoreresponsibilityformychoiceofcompanions—IfItake5percentmoreresponsibilityformypersonalhappiness—IfItake5percentmoreresponsibilityforthelevelofmyself-esteem—WEEK14Self-assertivenesstomemeans—

IfIlived5percentmoreassertivelytoday—IfItreatmythoughtsandfeelingswithrespecttoday—IfItreatmywantswithrespecttoday—WEEK15If(whenIwasyoung)someonehadtoldmemywantsreallymattered—If(whenIwasyoung)Ihadbeentaughttohonormyownlife—IfItreatmylifeasunimportant—IfIwerewillingtosayyeswhenIwanttosayyesandnowhenIwantto

sayno—IfIwerewillingtoletpeoplehearthemusicinsideme—IfIweretoexpress5percentmoreofwhoIam—WEEK16Livingpurposefullytomemeans—IfIbring5percentmorepurposefulnessintomylife—IfIoperate5percentmorepurposefullyatwork—IfIoperate5percentmorepurposefullyinmyrelationships—IfIoperate5percentmorepurposefullyinmarriage—[ifapplicable]WEEK17 If I operate 5 percent more purposefully with my children—[if

applicable]IfIwere5percentmorepurposefulaboutmydeepestyearnings—IfItakemoreresponsibilityforfulfillingmywants—IfImakemyhappinessaconsciousgoal—WEEK18Integritytomemeans—IfIlookatinstanceswhereIfindfullintegritydifficult—IfIbring5percentmoreintegrityintomylife—IfIbring5percentmoreintegritytomywork—WEEK19IfIbring5percentmoreintegritytomyrelationships—IfIremainloyaltothevaluesIbelieveareright—IfIrefusetolivebyvaluesIdonotrespect—IfItreatmyself-respectasahighpriority—WEEK20

Ifthechildinmecouldspeak,he/shewouldsay—IftheteenagerIoncewasstillexistsinsideme—Ifmyteenage-selfcouldspeakhe/shewouldsay—Atthethoughtofreachingbacktohelpmychild-self—Atthethoughtofreachingbacktohelpmyteenage-self—IfIcouldmakefriendswithmyyoungerselves—

Note:Foramoredetaileddiscussionofhow toworkwith integratingyouryoungerselves,pleaseconsultHowtoRaiseYourSelf-Esteem

WEEK21Ifmychild-selffeltacceptedbyme—Ifmyteenage-selffeltIwasonhis/herside—IfmyyoungerselvesfeltIhadcompassionfortheirstruggles—IfIcouldholdmychild-selfinmyarms—IfIcouldholdmyteenage-selfinmyarms—IfIhadthecourageandcompassiontoembraceandlovemyyounger

selves—WEEK22Sometimesmychild-selffeelsrejectedbymewhenI—Sometimesmyteenage-selffeelsrejectedbymewhenI—Oneofthethingsmychild-selfneedsfrommeandrarelygetsis—Oneofthethingsmyteenage-selfneedsfrommeandhasn’tgottenis—Oneofthewaysmychild-selfgetsbackatmeforrejectinghim/heris—Oneofthewaysmyteenage-selfgetsbackatmeforrejectinghim/heris

—WEEK23Atthethoughtofgivingmychild-selfwhathe/sheneedsfromme—Atthethoughtofgivingmyteenage-selfwhathe/sheneedsfromme—Ifmychild-selfandIweretofallinlove—Ifmyteenage-selfandIweretofallinlove—WEEK24IfIacceptthatmychild-selfmayneedtimetolearntotrustme—IfIacceptthatmyteenage-selfmayneedtimetolearntotrustme—AsIcometounderstandthatmychild-selfandmyteenage-selfareboth

partofme—

Iambecomingaware—WEEK25SometimeswhenIamafraidI—SometimeswhenIamhurtI—SometimeswhenIamangryI—Aneffectivewaytohandlefearmightbeto—Aneffectivewaytohandlehurtmightbeto—Aneffectivewaytohandleangermightbeto—WEEK26SometimeswhenIamexcitedI—SometimeswhenIamturnedonsexuallyI—SometimeswhenIexperiencestrongfeelingsI—IfImakefriendswithmyexcitement—IfImakefriendswithmysexuality—AsIgrowmorecomfortablewiththefullrangeofmyemotions—WEEK27IfIthinkaboutbecomingbetterfriendswithmychild-self—IfIthinkaboutbecomingbetterfriendswithmyteenage-self—Asmyyoungerselvesbecomemorecomfortablewithme—AsIcreateasafespaceformychild-self—AsIcreateasafespaceformyteenage-self—WEEK28Mothergavemeaviewofmyselfas—Fathergavemeaviewofmyselfas—MotherspeaksthroughmyvoicewhenItellmyself—FatherspeaksthroughmyvoicewhenItellmyself—WEEK29IfIbring5percentmoreawarenesstomyrelationshipwithmymother

—IfIbring5percentmoreawarenesstomyrelationshipwithmyfather—IfIlookatmymotherandfatherrealistically— IfIreflectonthe levelofawarenessIbringtomyrelationshiptomy

mother—IfIreflectonthelevelofawarenessIbringtomyrelationshipwithmy

father—WEEK30AtthethoughtofbeingfreeofMother,psychologically—AtthethoughtofbeingfreeofFather,psychologically—Atthethoughtofbelongingfullytomyself—Ifmylifereallydoesbelongtome—IfIreallyamcapableofindependentsurvival—WEEK31IfIbring5percentmoreawarenesstomylife—IfIam5percentmoreself-accepting—IfIbring5percentmoreself-responsibilitytomylife—IfIoperate5percentmoreself-assertively—IfIlivemylife5percentmorepurposefully—IfIbring5percentmoreintegritytomylife—IfIbreathedeeplyandallowmyselftoexperiencewhatself-esteemfeels

like—

Letusimaginethatyouhavenowcompletedthisthirty-one-weekprogram—once. Ifyouhave found ithelpful,do itagain. Itwillbeanewexperience foryou. Some ofmy clients go through this program three or four times, alwayswithnewresults,alwayswithgrowthinself-esteem.

APPENDIXC:

RecommendationsforFurtherStudy

The central focus of my work has been the study of self-esteem, its role inhuman life, and, most particularly, its impact on work and love. If you havefound the work you have just read of value, then the following works aresuggestedforfurtherreading.

ThePsychologyofSelf-Esteem.Thisismyfirstmajortheoreticalexplorationandoverviewoftheentirefield.Unlikemylaterbooks,itputsheavyemphasison the philosophical foundations ofmywork. It dealswith such questions as:What is themeaning—and justification—of the idea of freewill?What is therelationofreasonandemotion?Howdorationalityandintegrityrelate toself-esteem?Whichmoralvaluessupportself-esteemandwhichundermineit?Whyisself-esteemthekeytomotivation?

Breaking Free. This is an exploration of the childhood origins of negativeself-concepts, dramatized through a series of vignettes taken frommy clinicalpractice.Throughthesestoriesweseeinwhatwaysadultscanadverselyaffectthe development of a child’s self-esteem. Indirectly, therefore, the book is aprimerontheartofchild-rearing.

TheDisownedSelf.Thisbookexaminesthepainfulandwidespreadproblemof self-alienation, inwhich the individual isoutof touchwithhisorher innerworld, and indicates pathways to recovery. This book has proven especiallyhelpful foradultchildrenofdysfunctional families. It takesa fresh lookat therelation of reason and emotion that goes beyond my earlier treatment of thesubject in its scope anddepth.Demonstratinghowandwhy self-acceptance isessentialtohealthyself-esteem,itpointsthewaytotheharmoniousintegrationofthoughtandfeeling.

The Psychology of Romantic Love. In this book I explore the nature andmeaningofromanticlove, itsdifferencefromotherkindsoflove, itshistoricaldevelopment,anditsspecialchallengesin themodernworld.Itaddressessuch

questionsas:Whatislove?Whyisloveborn?Whydoesitsometimesflourish?Whydoesitsometimesdie?

WhatLoveAsksofUs.OriginallypublishedasTheRomanticLoveQuestion-and-AnswerBook, thisrevisedandexpandededition,writtenwithmywifeandcolleague, Devers Branden, addresses the questions we hear most often fromthosestrugglingwith thepracticalchallengesofmaking lovework.Itcoversawiderangeof topics, fromthe importanceofautonomyinrelationships, to theart of effective communication, to conflict-resolution skills, to dealing withjealousyandinfidelity,tocopingwiththespecialchallengesofchildrenandin-laws,tosurvivingthelossoflove.

HonoringtheSelf.Againreturningtothenatureofself-esteemanditsroleinourexistence,thisbookislessphilosophicalthanThePsychologyofSelf-Esteemandmoredevelopmentalinitsfocus.Itlooksathowtheselfemerges,evolves,andmovesthroughprogressivelyhigherstagesofindividuation.Itexploreswhatadults can do to raise the level of their own self-esteem. It examines thepsychology of guilt. It addresses the relationship between self-esteem andproductive work. It upholds a morality of enlightened self-interest andchallengesthetraditionalnotionthatself-sacrificeistheessenceofvirtue.

If YouCouldHearWhat ICannot Say. This is aworkbook. It teaches thefundamentalsofmysentence-completiontechniqueandhowitcanbeusedbyapersonworkingaloneforself-exploration,self-understanding,self-healing,andpersonalgrowth.

TheArtofSelf-Discovery.Thisbookcarriesfurthertheworkoftheprecedingvolumeonsentencecompletionandself-exploration.OriginallypublishedasToSeeWhatISeeandKnowWhatIKnow,thisrevisedandexpandededitionalsoprovidescounselorsandpsychotherapistswith tools tobeutilized in theirownclinicalpractice.

How toRaise Your Self-Esteem. The purpose here is to provide the readerwithspecificstrategiesforbuildingself-esteem.Thediscussionismoreconcretethan in my earlier writings, more action oriented. It is addressed equally topeople working on their own development and to parents, teachers, andpsychotherapistswhoareinvitedtoexperimentwiththetechniques.

JudgmentDay:MyYearswithAynRand.Thisinvestigativememoirtellsthestoryofmypersonalandintellectualdevelopment, includingtherisesandfallsandrisesofmyownself-esteem,throughmyrelationshipwiththreewomen,ofwhich the centerpiece is my relationship with novelist-philosopher Ayn Rand(TheFountainhead,AtlasShrugged). It describes theextraordinarycontexts inwhich Icameuponsomeofmymost importantpsychological ideas, includingmyfirstunderstanding,attheageoftwenty-four,ofthesupremeimportanceof

self-esteemtohumanwell-being.ThePowerofSelf-Esteem.Abriefdistillationofmykey ideas in this field,

thisbookisintendedasabasicintroduction.Through the Branden Institute for Self-Esteem in Los Angeles, we offer

psychotherapyandfamilycounseling;conductongoingself-esteemgroups;givelectures, seminars and workshops; do management consulting; create self-esteem/high-performance programs for organizations; and offer telephonecounselingwithindividualandcorporateclients.

Forinformation,writeto:

TheBrandenInstituteforSelf-EsteemP.O.Box1530BeverlyHills,California90213Telephone:(310)274-6361Fax:(310)271-6808

References

Chapter1:Self-Esteem:TheImmuneSystemofConsciousness

1L.E.Sandelands,J.Brockner,andM.A.Glynn(1988)“Ifat firstyoudon’tsucceed, try again: Effects of Persistence-performance contingencies, ego-involvement, and self-esteem on task-performance.” Journal of AppliedPsychology,73,208–216.2E.PaulTorrance.TheCreativeChildandAdultQuarterly,VIII,1983.3AbrahamMaslow.Toward aPsychology of Being.NewYork:VanNostrandReinhold,1968.4Fortune,December17,1990.5T.GeorgeHarris.TheEraofConsciousChoice.EncyclopediaBritannicaBookoftheYear,1973.

Chapter5:TheFocusonAction

1See,forinstance,TheInvulnerableChild,acollectionofstudieseditedbyE.JamesAnthonyandBertramJ.Cohler.NewYork:TheGuilfordPress,1987.

Chapter13:NurturingaChild’sSelf-Esteem

1 For detailed discussions of this principle, see the books of Haim Ginott:Between Parent and Child; Between Parent and Teenager; and Teacher and

Child.AllarepublishedbyAvon.

Chapter14:Self-EsteemintheSchools

1PersonalcommunicationwithRobertReasoner.2 George Land and Beth Jarman.Breakpoint and Beyond. NewYork: HarperBusiness,1992.3 JaneBluestein.21stCenturyDiscipline. JeffersonCity,Mo.:Scholastic Inc.,1988.4 Robert Reasoner. Building Self-Esteem: A Comprehensive Program forSchools,rev.ed.PaloAlto:ConsultingPsychologistsPress,1992.5Ibid.6Ibid.7PersonalcommunicationwithKennethMiller.8 JaneBluestein.21stCenturyDiscipline. JeffersonCity,Mo.:Scholastic Inc.,1988.9 Howard Gardner. The Unschooled Mind: How Children Think and HowSchoolsShouldTeach.NewYork:BasicBooks,1992.10HowardGardner. “WhatParentsCanDo toHelpTheirKidsLearnBetter.”BottomLine,June1992.11 For information about Constance Dembrowsky’s program Personal andSocialResponsibility,contacttheInstituteforEffectiveSkillDevelopment,P.O.Box880,LaLuz,NM88337.

Chapter15:Self-EsteemandWork

1QuotedinTheEconomist,December1,1990.2SeemyHonoringtheSelf.NewYork:BantamBooks,1984.3 Michael Dertouzos, Richard K. Lester, Robert M. Solow, and the MITCommission on Industrial Productivity. Made in America. Cambridge: MITPress,1989.4CharlesGarfield.SecondtoNone.Homewood,Ill.:BusinessOneIrwin,1992.5WarrenBennis.OnBecomingaLeader.NewYork:Addison-Wesley,1989.

Chapter17:Self-EsteemandCulture

1MaryKawenaPuku’i.’OleloNo’eau.Honolulu:BishopMuseumPress,1985.2MargaretMead.ComingofAgeinSamoa.NewYork:NewAmericanLibrary,1949.3G.RattrayTaylor.SexinHistory.NewYork:HarperTorchbooks,1973.4 Jonathan Rauch. “A Search for the Soul of Japan.” Los Angeles TimesMagazine,March8,1992.5HaroldBloom.TheAmericanReligion.NewYork:Simon&Schuster,1992.6 Christopher Lasch. “In Defense of Shame.” The New Republic, August 10,1992.

Acknowledgments

Iwishtoexpressmyappreciationtomyeditor,ToniBurbank,fortheenergyandenthusiasmshebroughttothisprojectandformanyhelpfulsuggestions.

Thanks also tomy literary agent,NatSobel, forhisunstinting support anddedication.

Whileworkingonthisbook,Ishoweddifferentsectionsofittoanumberofcolleagues who were exceptionally generous in the thoughtfulness of theirfeedback, queries, suggestions, and challenges. Specifically, thanks to: Dr.Cherie Adrian, Dr. Warren Bennis, Dr. Warren Farrell, Joe Feinstein, DonGevirtz, LeonardHirshfeld, Pete Lakey, KenMiller, Dr. JimO’Toole, RobertReasoner.

And finally,my love and gratitude tomywife,Devers, for her excitementaboutthebook,thestimulationofourdiscussionsaboutit,andtheprovocativeideassheoftenprovided.

*Onedifficultywithmuchoftheresearchconcerningtheimpactofself-esteem,asIsaidintheIntroduction,isthatdifferentresearchersusedifferentdefinitionsof the term and are not necessarily measuring or reporting on the samephenomenon. Another difficulty is that self-esteem does not operate in avacuum;itcanbehardtotrackinisolation;itinteractswithotherforcesinthepersonality.* My only reservations concerning the first two of these books are (1)psychoanalyticorientationinsomeofGinott’scommentsthatIdonotshare;(2)a puzzlingly evasive treatment of the issue of masturbation, and (3) a dated,traditional perspective on male and female roles. These issues are minor,however,inlightofwhatthebookshavetooffer.*Iomitherecertainexperiencesofanxietyanddepressionwhoserootsmaybebiologicalandmaynotfullyfitthisdefinition.*PeterDruckerhaswrittentheclassictextonhowthisistobedone:InnovationandEntrepreneurship.* Appendix B contains a thirty-one-week sentence-completion programspecificallydesignedtobuildself-esteem.*Foracritiqueofpharmacologicallyorientedpsychiatry,seeToxicPsychiatrybyPeterR.Breggan(NewYork:St.Martin’sPress,1991).*Foranexcellentdiscussionof“men’sstory,”seeWarrenFarrell’sTheMythofMalePower(NewYork:Simon&Schuster,1993).