The Fallen Apple Tree

Running Head: The Fallen Apple Tree to the Planets 1

The Fallen Apple Tree to The Planets

Heather L. Kay

University of Connecticut

The Fallen Apple Tree to the Planets 2

The Apple Tree is symbolic of family; it has fallen but is still alive. How I make sense out

of insanity through my belief in God. Out of the love for my children and trying to be

responsible, not knowing my limitations and helping others more than myself, taking advice

from experts rather than believing in myself, I gave the wrong impression to the one whom I love

the most, my daughter, for she doesn’t believe I love her. Things are not always what they appear

and many times there is a spiritual meaning to be gained from these painful experiences I have

experienced on earth that are at a later time reviled. As an artist paints on an innocent canvas,

with each stroke of the painter’s brush, lies become more real representing truth and a different

portrait is reviled, and falsehoods become truths in the world unable to see.

The Mars part of the planets CD expresses the qualities of lies, deception, selfishness,

and greed to me. These qualities are in contrast to ultimate truth and the struggles between the

two as situations, people, and truth is not what it appears at times in life. Mars is symbolic in

Greek mythology as the God of War. Tracks one thru five are containments of mars of the

planets CD and the musical qualities that are expressed in track one are not a natural 5/4

measure, giving it an uncomfortable eerie feeling to it symbolizing danger. The track starts off

quiet and then builds louder into track two with a cello played with the wooden side of the bow.

This allows for a more ominous and dissident sound. Trumpets are also contained in these

tracks. In track three, the confidence shifts and a fast rhythm of string violins are introduced as if

to challenge the existing nonconformity from the earlier tracks, there is another power

introduced. A trumpet sounds as if to rescue one from the chaotic feelings from the earlier track.

This trumpet seems symbolic to hope and clarity midst the despair and confusion of and of the

dangerous entities of life. The strings are fast in rhythm which seems to be like a racing hoarse

that comes out of nowhere symbolizing goodness and truth. There are also trumpets with


harmony and melody which seems to ground and add a structure that was not previously present.

Timpani drums end this track and Track four in introduced containing the ominous feelings and

musical expression from track one and two. Track four has the elements of music contained in

both track one and two in addition to track three. The two seem to do battle with rising

instruments which jump backwards and then forward again. Track five contains ends with

unresolved symbolizing suspense and wonder to the ultimate winner of this battle. This battle

seems to me a reflection of false perceptions that are substantiated with words of logic and

strategies by people which are not ultimate truths within the universe but deceptions of truth that

people have manipulated for their own gain of money, ego, or power of status.

I have experienced many people who have lied to me and deceived me because of selfish

motives. Life and people are not always what they appear to be and life does not always seem

fair. A person can work hard, give endlessly, and still get short changed, cheated, and not get the

promotion. I even got fired on my birthday last year. What was so ironic is that I received a

birthday card in the mail from this employer and as much as that card meant to me because I

have received few if not none through the years. This card was a symbolic gesture of caring, but

it was generically generated, given to all employee, and obviously lacked sincerity and therefore

was a form of deception in rather than form of true caring. The truth is not always what it

appears to be. I also won a lottery with this employer the month of my firing, giving me a paid

day off. I not only received a day off but many with a pink slip, This employer fought my

unemployment stating I exercised willful misconduct when I choose to finish toileting a patient

rather than pick up another patient who needed transporting from downstairs to upstairs. I was

the only CNA on the floor of thirty patients because the other workers were either outside

smoking or at another nurse’s station socializing. People sometimes can be selfish and lazy. If a


person compensates for other’s peoples misgivings, does not know one’s limitations, does not set

healthy boundaries of acceptability, others will take advantage and allow that person to do their

work. Ultimately if something goes wrong, others who are really negligent will lye for their own

self-preservation and make the person who is working look incompetent and wrong. I also get

from these tracks the conflicts in values that my ex-husband and I have. Material possessions

and money is of great importance to him, whereas feelings, the arts, and spirituality are of greater

importance to me. We have had conflicted views as to what we are to teach our children.

Tracks six through ten are reflective of Venus, the Greek God of peace, love, and beauty

which offer a gentle and subtle reprieve from the violent confusion of Mars. In track six, quiet

and soothing flutes move toward oboes slowly resolving in a tonal center in New Harmony

(Shay), allowing for a feeling of peace and tranquility. These Venus tracks are easy to listen to

and do not demand the attention of Mars. There is an element of letting go of thought and just

allowing for feelings of ease and rest in these tracks of Venus.

I associate the planet of Venus in my personal life as love, peace, and beauty as it comes

in all forms and is not always displayed normatively. There are different expressions of love that

don’t always contain outward displays of affection. Self-sacrifice is an example of this. I have

done this for my family in order to be responsible and provide financially. My daughter is the

most beautiful entity, and she is my clear perception of true beauty which does not come in the

typical characteristic of beauty that is perfect, but is beautiful none the less. Lindsey was born

with Velocardiofacial syndrome, the second most popular genetic condition which is

multifaceted in its medical, educational, and developmental ramifications. This syndrome also

carries with it a sixty percent chance of mood disorders, and certain mental illnesses such as

paranoid schizophrenia which is frightening. Lindsey has had to undergo hormone treatments for


her growth for four years which was emotionally and mentally taxing. She injected herself and I

am so proud of her for her bravery and stamina. Although normal in appearance, my daughter, as

well as my son and myself, has had difficulties dealing with the syndrome’s demands in medical

treatments.

I think true peace comes from accepting this notion that God has many displays of beauty

and is mistakenness in the forms of beauty in which has created. I believe that her displays of

fight were not coincidental but necessary for her to overcome the obstacles set forth in her life.

I also believe that Lindsey, with no higher education, is another clear example of God sending

me a messenger in order to challenge my own modes of communication which at times can be

hard and harsh due to many years constant demand put on me from work and isolation in the

belief that no one can understand my situation. Venus offers solace from the fears of not having

basic needs met, the anxieties of future calamities, and feelings of not being adequate as a single

mother. Nicholas, my son, has offered me and my daughter the gift of unconditional love and

kindness which is also characteristic of Venus to me, a consistent unwavering gentle power of

compassionate love which will not waver, even under the most stressful of life’s situations.

Tracks eleven through fourteen are representative of Mercury, the winged messenger,

communication, and dreams (Shay). In these tracks there are patterns that are repeated by the

dissimilar instruments characteristic to me that messages from God come through all forms of

people and modalities. This communication from God is expressed in many ways, and can come

in the form of the playfulness of track eleven’s oboes swirling quickly a subtle non rhythmic

pattern which seems to have no specific direction. The brass and strings also have an element of

the playfulness of a child who does not need grandiosity and can find an exciting wonder and joy

in the simplest of nature. The brass sounds at the end of this track in quick loader rhythms with


in the simplest of nature. The brass sounds at the end of this track in quick loader rhythms with

no apparent melody which reminds me of the persistency of life that often accompanies a child.

In my profession, being a certified nurse’s assistant, I have met many people whom have

given me messages to reflect upon during the years. Margret Ford, who was a patient of mine

back in 1994, and a nurse for thirty years told me, “Heather, the laundry will always be there”.

Although I have not remembered it at times, I remember it today and am grateful to Margaret for

instilling this phrase in my mind. This phrase she so simply put reminds me that no matter how

much is accomplished, there are always going to be things left incomplete, so accept this fact and

don’t feel inadequate. I believe God was speaking through Margret to me, for she was one of the

most at ease patients despite her physical pain, she had an emotional, mental, and spiritual peace.

Eva Mocciola was another patient of mine in 1999 and although she hadn’t spoken in years, my

constant gab allowed her to open up. Eva was a different character than Margaret but she spoke

to me nonetheless when I least expected it. Out of the blue she said, “Don’t you ever shut up”.

Although her words were harsh and critical, I felt blessed Eva spoke to me. All the nurses and

family were amazed for she hadn’t spoken in years and it allowed us great joy and laughter as

she sat, for she could no longer walk, in her wheelchair, inexpressive and serious she was content

to pop her bubble wrap. She continued to speak yet only when I was present. I felt overjoyed

and honored to hear about the 2 dollar pair of shoes she saw window shopping and that dancing

was one of her favorite pastimes. One day as I was changing her in bed, rolling her from side to

side with her hernia that was as big as a beach ball, I asked her, “Eva, What is the secret to life?”

She simply said, “makin love.”

Jupiter is the next series in tracks fifteen through twenty and is symbolic of royalty, king

of the Gods, God the father, and divinity within (Shay). Track fifteen has a full orchestra with

heavy brass blaring and racing strings. Percussions sporadically accompany this track which


exudes the confidence of royalty. Track sixteen uses strings and brass which are faster and

change constantly building and retrieving and building again to a higher plateau symbolizing

strength and direction through the divine although setbacks in life occur. In track seventeen, a ¾

dance rhythm is introduced, and trombones sound (Shay) and a tambourine. Track nineteen and

twenty bring the tracks together as the beginning is repeated with a greater resolve.

I have come to understand the Saturn within myself. After putting myself last for years, I

have come to understand that there is a good kind of selfishness. A selfishness which requires me

to take care of myself and to put my needs above those around me in order to maintain a filter

from other’s endless needs and demands. This act of self-love and selfishness is honoring the

divine within and is necessary to achieve harmony and happiness.

Twenty one through twenty four is Saturn and symbolizes the Father of Zeus (Shay). This

is representative of wisdom and insight. The mood is delicate as strings play so quietly in the

background they can hardly be heard. The strings move forward slowly with long notes

accompanied with brass which moves forward as well. There is no rhythm, only slight harmony

at times.

I can relate this to my personal life in the following ways use prayer to talk to God, use

meditation, quiet the mind, relax the body to listen to God. Believe in miracles of God and a

higher truth and justice that that than the world cannot provide. Believe in healing through

prayer and meditation, and use alternative forms of therapy. Believe that there is a deeper, more

profound answer or meaning to the current situation beyond those explanations offered in the

material world even when situations don’t make sense or seem just. Believe in one self, even

when those around you don’t and know everyone is worthwhile. This is an essential rule to not

only self-preservation but in order to maintain hope that situations will get better spiritually.

When my son found me crying one day when he was in 3rd grade he said,” Mom, you got to have


hope” (Nicholas DiBenedetto). God has spoken to me at many times in my life although the

mode was not a typical messenger such as a pastor.

Uranus, the Magician, represents power, danger, and disaster, and are in tracks twenty

five through twenty seven (Shay). Track twenty five starts out with strong brass horns in which

go from low notes that are extended in length to even lower notes, giving an impression of

danger. This pattern is repeated a few times. Then oboes and strings race in a quickened pace

that give an urgent feeling of danger and anticipated disaster. Twenty six has a cello and horns

that are dissonant which is then accompanied by the clanging of symbols.

I can relate to Uranus in my personal life in the following ways. Beware of those experts

that tell you what is wrong with you. I have had three hernias and with each one, experts cleared

me to go back to doing the same work and told me I would be fine. After the last hernia, I

continued to have gastrointestinal issues. Because my life was full, being a single mother and felt

a burning and nervous feeling in my stomach, I was told I have anxiety and was treated for years

for this for years. I even had a psychiatrist proposition me for sex. I took enough psychology

classes to know this was unethical and moved on. I found out later that his license was taken

away for the same type of behavior. I have taken many different medications in addition to ant

acids in which I was washing down with milk. When I would get sick, the doctors would change

the medication. When my doctor wanted to send me to the gastroenterologist to shove a tube

down my throat into my stomach, I was scared and didn’t want this. While speaking with a

young lady at UConn and telling her my story, she asked me if I had ever been to the allergist to

check for a food allergy. Being a CNA all these years, I felt stupid that it had not occurred to me

sooner to check for this. I knew I had other allergies such as dust, pet, mold, and pollen, but it

never crossed my mind that I may have a food allergy. With that piece of direction, I told the


nurse at my doctor’s office that I wanted to go to the allergist first before the gastroenterologist.

Sure enough, it was found that I am allergic to the protein in milk, eggs, strawberries, and tree

nuts. I am so grateful; I finally understand my body and know what has been going on with me.

Neptune is the mystic and is contained in tracks twenty eight and twenty nine. Neptune is

transformation and transcendence from the material world to spiritual world. Track twenty eight

starts out with soft oboes in the background that can hardly be heard. Horns play soft and slow

with strings as well. The distant melody has a ¾ rhythm and is mostly played with two

alternating chords (Shay). This track gives me a dreamlike impression, as if watching a leaf

being blown in slow motion in the air toward the heavens, the amazing quality of the dew on

grass, or the sparkle to snow as it falls. Twenty nine is tranquil as well with melodies that seem

to drift effortlessly and with no direction but upward toward some transcendental place offering

nothing but comfort. Track nine contains chords which are high in pitch and distant giving it a

heavenly quality of arrival of true piece and ultimate understanding to the chaotic mess that life

can sometimes offer and has escaped through Neptune.

For me, Neptune is the permission to question authority and professionals in the material

world whom may have a genuine care to help me, yet lack the humility, insight, or ability to see

what is really wrong with me, know and accept my personal limitations of body and know of its

fragility without feeling inadequate, and to love myself by honoring my holy spirit within, no

matter who or how many people try to tell me otherwise. Neptune symbolizes to me the

importance of seeking out things that make me happy which will help me heal such as the

holistic therapies and the arts and music. I believe that every experience contains some message,

and sometimes God has moved me on for a reason when I would perhaps not have the courage or

intelligence to do so. I also think that Neptune allows for me to believe that I have the answers


deep inside if I can still myself long enough to listen through meditation and talk to God through

prayer. I also think it imperative to surround myself with those with the similar beliefs of faith

because common people cannot understand, they are blinded by selfishness, greed and desire for

status. In doing these things, I can only gain strength from my weariness. For God works through

all of us, not matter how insignificant we or others might think we are. Perhaps in my great love

for her I was blinded, and sacrificed too much of myself giving to others and leaving me

incomplete. I can only pray my daughter finds the comfort someday in knowing how much I

truly love her and my suffering was not because of her but because of my love and compassion

for her and others in need. Perhaps in wanting her to live up to her full potential, I lost the way

of mine. As Arthur Frank (cited in Karp, 2003, p. 3), said so eloquently, “As little as we know of

illness, we know even less of care, as much as the ill person’s experience is denied, the

experience is caregiver’s denied more completely.”


References

Karp, D. A. (2001).The Burden of Sympathy: How Families Cope with Mental Illness. New

York, NY: Oxford University Press, Inc.3.

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Hippie-Peace-Freaks/138763606183836?ref=stream


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The Fallen Apple Tree