COMMON SeNSe

Common Sense . . . Uncommonly Practised is a celebration of the marvelous journey we’re all taking in search of wellness in all three of life’s most essential realms: body, heart and mind. Here, find a wealth of real-life lessons picked up along the author’s way, time-tested and delivered in bite-sized doses of eminently useful enlightenment. Read Jill’s words and enjoy the refreshing perspective of a woman whose pleasure at having discovered a means for a more meaningful life is palpable. Better still, she shares her findings with others through this highly readable, extremely practical collection of reflections on how others might identify and apply the same wisdom to their own lives.

“Jill’s profound wisdom is timeless and universal. It is a beau-tiful blend of humour, and heartfelt inspiration. Jill’s clarity and awareness bring peace to one’s soul. There is a moment of enlightenment for everyone who reads Common Sense . . . Uncommonly Practised.”

— Sandra Livingstone, Kundalini yoga teacher, Toronto, ON

“In reading and listening to Jill Hewlett’s observations on the spiritual life and connecting to ourselves as well as others, one undeniable fact resonates repeatedly: the woman knows whereof she speaks. Her engaging and always accessible manner of revealing our truest selves to us is nothing short of an inspiring gift. Do yourself and your life a huge favour: Be inspired by Common Sense . . . Uncommonly Practised.”

— Rick Leather, song writer, White Rock, BC

“Jill Hewlett’s writing always seems to speak to me. She strikes a chord that rings home right when you need it. Her words are

comfortable yet right to the point. I recommend you curl up with a nice cup of tea and enjoy Common Sense . . . Uncommonly Practised.”

— Georgia Atkinson, Brain Gym® student, Hamilton, ON

“Jill’s writing will challenge your views on everyday situations, help you see things in a positive way and leave you wanting to read more!”

— Pat Ashby, secondary school teacher, Aurora, ON

“Jill’s insight into life experiences changes the world for the better. With her unique per-spective, intuition, wisdom and grace, we can see through her eyes that all is as it should be in the school of life. There is always something to learn from her sharing and we are better for it, when we’re willing to reframe the experience with an open heart.”

— MaryLynn Baran, Aurora, ON

ISBN 978-0-9880717-0-4

Wellness $19.99

COMMON SeNSe...

A Heartfelt Book About Achieving Personal Wellness

J i l l H e w l e t t

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Common SenSe...



Copyright © 2012 by Jill Hewlett Inc.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced,

stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means,

electronic or mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning or other-

wise, without the prior written permission of the author, except for the

inclusion of brief quotations in a review.

Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication

Hewlett, Jill

Common sense — uncommonly practised : a heartfelt book

about achieving personal wellness / Jill Hewlett.

ISBN 978-0-9880717-0-4

1. Self-actualization (Psychology). 2. Well-being. 3. Health.

I. Title.

BF637.S4H489 2012 158.1 C2012-903740-0

Cover illustration by: Jill Hewlett (HeartArt Design titled “One Love”)

Edited by: Laura Pratt

Cover and text design/layout by: Kim Monteforte, www.wemakebooks.ca

Print production by: Beth Crane, www.wemakebooks.ca

Printed in Canada

How to order

Copies may be ordered by email at

[email protected] or calling 416.694.0006.

Quantity discounts are available for book stores,

health food stores and wellness groups.

Please visit us online at www.jillhewlett.com.

3

Table of Contents

Introduction: HOME SWEET HOME . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9

Body1. Receptivity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17

2. I’m Curly, not Shirley . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 21

3. Having It All. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24

4. Ask for It . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27

5. Sympathy or Solution . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 30

6. In Your Hands . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33

7. What Remains . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 37

8. Your Creative Instrument . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 40

9. If You Love Me . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 42

10. Five Alive . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 45

11. Tao of Ripeness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 48

12. This Is It . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 51

13. Graffiti Guru . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 54

14. Treasure Hunt . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 58

15. Born this Way. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 61

Heart1. Heart Intelligence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 67

2. When Love Met Madness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 70

3. Being Seen . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 73

/

/

4 Common Sense . . . Uncommonly Practised

4. Face Time . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 76

5. Speak Easy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 79

6. Space to Bloom . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 82

7. Self or Other. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 86

8. Intimacy is Essential . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 90

9. You Inspire Me . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 93

10. An Audacious Life . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 97

11. My Date with Tony. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 101

12. The Language of Love. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 105

13. Relationship Revolution . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 109

14. In to Me See . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 113

15. Kings & Queens . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 117

Mind1. Curiosity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 123

2. If You Didn’t Know . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 127

3. You Can Run . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 130

4. The Next Step . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 133

5. Lens of Truth . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 136

6. Wish List . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 139

7. Curbing Temptation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 143

8. Honesty Heals . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 147

9. In Her Shoes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 151

10. Already Always . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 154

11. Make God Laugh . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 157

12. Meant to Be . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 159

13. The Yes in No. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 163

14. Are We There Yet? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 167

15. A Sense of Purpose . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 170

/

DeDiCation

To the most beautiful, uplifting and engaging person I know:

my daughter.

You are my greatest gift.

/

To my parents.

Your constant love, encouragement and support

is beyond words.

I am grateful with all my heart.

7

Acknowledgements

So many PeoPle, So mUCh gratitUDe!

Gratitude and love to Angie Robertson and Dena Burland,

my blood sisters and lifelong playmates.

Much admiration and thanks to my dear friends, each of

whom plays a unique and essential role in my life: Crystal

Eves, Donna Warren, Ernie Pavan, Caroline Dupont, Meredith

Deasley, Nicole Fisher, Sandra Livingstone, Sandra U-Ming,

Cindy Ashton, Karen Armstrong (Women’s Circle co-host)

and Sharon Todd (Brain Works Global Inc. business partner,

www.brainworksglobal.com).

Earnest appreciation to all of my colleagues in the holistic

field, including my clients and Women’s Circle participants.

You constantly inspire and teach me through your commit-

ment to living healthy, balanced, authentic lives.

Thank you to Jeremy O’Krafka, who shares with me the

joy, honour and learning curve of co-parenting. I greatly

appreciate your family, our friendship and the contributions

you make to my life purpose.

Gratitude to the pioneering work and mentorship of Dr.

Paul Dennison, whose heartfelt genius in the field of Educa-

tional Kinesiology and Brain Gym® continues to inspire my

life path and the work I do.


Special thanks to MaryLynn Baran and Peggy Tighe for

your proofreading, suggestions and encouragement early in

this process. And to Laura Pratt, for her editorial gifts.

Introduction

H o m e S w e e t H o m e

/

11

/

A few years ago, my daughter and I were at a store with an

outdoor patio display near the entrance. Colourful trays were

decorated with fancy glasses and straws, all perfectly posi-

tioned near my little girl’s reach.

As do most children, my daughter loves to use her imag-

ination to create real-life scenarios which she can orchestrate

herself. Planting herself next to the display, she told me with no

little certainty that she was going to prepare tea. And so she did.

Undertaken as it was with such attentive care and focus, my

girl’s imagined scenario attracted attention. Strolling passersby

couldn’t help being interested, and looked on with amusement

at the charming scene she’d devised.

With the openness of a child, and the distinctly outgoing

nature that is hers in such exuberant spades, my budding

entrepreneur proceeded to ask the people walking by if they

wouldn’t like some tea, too.

Her inspired menu consisted of melon, strawberry and

lemon tea flavours — all of which she’d come up with herself.

Some “customers” asked for sugar, but she told them she didn’t

have any of that. (Frankly, the whole situation was so endear-

ingly sweet that it really didn’t need any!)

What was most fascinating and delightful about this ani-

mated experience was that it didn’t matter if the unwitting


participant was young or old, male or female, single or in com-

pany — they were all invited to have a cup of my daughter’s

invented concoction, and to immediately feel at home, the midst

of a busy commercial area in which the drama was unfolding,

notwithstanding.

Whether the passerby was frowning, in a stressful buzz or

seemingly unapproachable, the moment my daughter called

out asking if they wanted tea, they stopped, smiled and gra-

ciously accepted the kind offer.

One woman gave her two dollars for her efforts! Imagine

the kind of booming business she could create with real tea?!

None of which should diminish the fact that my child was, in

fact, in business. She was in “the business of making a differ-

ence.” She was creating a sense of home in an otherwise typical

and mundane commercial environment. With a playful spirit,

a two-and-a-half-year-old child elicited smiles, made genuine

connections, and nourished and cared for more than a dozen

people, albeit for a very brief period of time.

A major focus in my life journey has been in learning how

to nurture and care for myself with love and respect and, in

turn, to share my findings with others.

It is my intention over the course of my life and career path

to offer the kind of menu to my clients that my young daugh-

ter so effortlessly and joyfully did for those around her; one

that offers people the experience of nurturing, inclusion

and connection where their daily life may have lost those

fundamentals.

So what would it take for you to feel more at home or nur-

tured, in your place of residence, your skin or your life?

Oftentimes, it’s as simple as making a change in perspec-

tive or in your focus on self care. Other times, an external

Jill Hewlett 13

shift is needed, like a change of environment, relationship

or career.

Our foundation is our launching pad. The sky is the limit.

How nurturing and supportive can you make your life expe-

rience, such that you can deepen and enhance it, and then

grow to new heights?

You might like to sit down in a comfy chair with a nice

cup of melon, strawberry or lemon tea, and ponder this life-

altering question. And thus comforted, I invite you to take a

journey through a collection of chapters filled with insights

that I have uncovered on my own Journey to Wellness.

Common sense, uncommonly practised....

It’s a privilege to share with you.

Jill

Body /

17

Receptivity

A few weeks ago I was having dinner at one of my favourite

Ethiopian restaurants when a rather endearing and thought-

provoking situation transpired....

Just before leaving, my belly full up with the most deli-

cious food, I enjoyed a conversation with the people at the

table next to ours, who were from Ethiopia. They were rather

impressed with my interest in the cuisine of their African

homeland, and I was an eager recipient of the things they

had to share about their cultural experience overseas. I learned

many interesting facts, including the one about how, in their

culture, it’s considered an act of honour and respect to hand-

feed someone (they don’t use cutlery in Ethiopia). In fact, a

hand-feeding invitation is a blessing that the person on the

receiving end ought not to refuse.

As I was transitioning to leave, food arrived at their table.

You may guess what happened next. Wanting to show respect

and honour toward me and our brief but meaningful time

together, they each began to roll up food in their hands and

offer it.

Feeling rather full, not to mention a bit awkward about

taking food off the plates of people I barely knew, I kindly

declined. Immediately, I could sense the disappointment of


these generous folks whose intentions were to nourish me

with not only their African fare, but the spirit of their culture.

By refusing this offering of food, I was also pushing away

the gifts of generosity, kindness, sharing, connection, com-

munity and heartfelt blessing. Coming to this revelation was

humbling, and it left me wondering where else I might be

declining life’s benevolence.

Thankfully, my initial refusal did not shut down this new

rapport, and when I realized moments later that I actually did

want to partake in their offering, they smiled and stretched

out their arms generously. Indeed, they not only stretched out

their arms, but their food-laden hands. One by one, these new

friends literally placed the food right inside my mouth.

When I left, it was with not only a very full belly, but a very

full heart. I knew the feeling was mutual.

I wonder how much of life’s abundance passes us by, not

because it’s not there, but because we don’t accept it? What are

the reasons that prevent us from partaking as open and worthy

recipients of life’s many blessings?

These are important questions whose answers have the

potential to be life-altering. When I look at my own life and

those of the coaching clients I have worked with over the years,

words like “expectations,” “fears” and “lack of confidence”

come to mind.

When we expect things to look or go a certain way and

they don’t, we may shut down and let hasty judgments allow

us to misread situations that, in turn, cause us to miss our

deserved bounty. Sometimes, it’s fear, born of mistrust of

people and processes, that creates the obstacle on the road

to abundance. That’s typical for the person who always says,

“If I want anything done right, I have to do it myself.” Ever

Jill Hewlett 19

said that before? And many people simply lack the confidence,

and so disown their inherent worthiness and diminish their

sense of their ability to be a true benefactor and steward of

life’s treasures.

But probably the biggest deterrent that I’ve come across

to being open in this essential way is an ineffective belief

system. Many of us have been conditioned to believe that it

is better to give than receive. While giving is an empowering

and essential skill to develop, the irony is that, if everyone only

gave, there would be no beneficiaries of their gifts and actions!

As humans, we need both giving and receiving. We need

balance: in ourselves and in the world. Balance allows for con-

nection — the catalytic force that gives rise to blessings, of both

the anticipated and unanticipated variety.

So if the payoff is so great, why do many people avoid doing

what needs to be done to create balance? Personally, I have

found that it takes a large amount of courage and vulnerabil-

ity to engage the mental and emotional readiness required

to bring us into a state of equilibrium. Doing/giving is easy

for most of us, and so we’re caught on autopilot. Changing

speeds, as is required to position ourselves to be and receive,

is not easy.

Nonetheless, when we do manage to slow down, become more

present and breathe more fully, we enjoy the physiological space

to open our mind, heart, body and life in welcomed reception.

This is solid personal growth and transformation at their

best; so, of course, many of us tend to resist. Resisting only

pays off for so long, however, as it’s incongruent with our true

nature. And eventually we have to slow down — the aging pro-

cess demands it. This home truth becomes clearer through

spending time with seniors.


Some of my favourite conversations are with my grand-

mother, who, in her later years, has become a beacon of wisdom

and presence in her own right. Not only does she share of

herself and her gifts, she is open to receiving them from

others, as well. This doesn’t mean she’s perfect or doesn’t have

issues. It’s simply that her balance point is more in check than

most. This has come through life experience and the neces-

sity of age. I always leave our visits feeling touched and filled

in a way that many daily life encounters don’t afford.

So why not, when we have the choice, adjust ourselves so

we might reap the benefits sooner than later? When we dis-

cover balance and are more receptive to others, the added

bonus is a renewed ability to truly receive . . . the fullness

of ourselves.

21

I’m Curly, Not Shirley!

My daughter has a striking resemblance to America’s top-

grossing Hollywood star of the Great Depression, Shirley

Temple.

This is not a parental bias or exaggeration. Almost every-

one who meets her notices it and most people will go ahead

and comment on it. Even at the age of three, my daughter

(who rarely looks in the mirror) knows it, too.

Dozens of times per week, she receives genuine compli-

ments about her blonde, corkscrew-curly hair, often delivered

to the tune of the “Good Ship Lollipop.”

People are so delighted to have made this connection, and

take such pleasure from imagining that they are the first to

notice the resemblance. In my daughter’s brief reality, of course,

she’s heard it hundreds of times!

I distinctly remember one time when someone told my

two-year-old sweetheart, “Hey, there’s little Shirley Temple.”

My daughter stopped in her tracks, looked the comment-

maker directly in the face, and flat-out replied, “I’m no

Shirley!” It was at that moment that I knew I needed to find

photos of this former American sweetheart, so she would

understand why so many people weren’t getting her name

straight.


Thankfully, everyone has positive heartfelt memories of

Shirley Temple, so this association with my daughter is def-

initely meant as a compliment and a way for people to reach

out and connect via the common association they feel when

they first see her. It’s like a welcoming smile or a warm hug!

Whether we are conscious of it or not, we tend to look for

common ground with other folks so we can feel comfortable,

develop rapport, and fulfill the human desire for connection and

meaning in our lives. It’s natural, it’s human and it’s beautiful.

Have you ever travelled to, or lived in, a foreign place for

a period of time, and have passed by someone with a strong

resemblance to someone you know back home? I’ve had

that happen dozens of times and the feeling of warmth and

connectivity that floods over me in those brief instances is

amazing each time! Of course, it’s also followed with a sense

of disappointment that it wasn’t actually the person I thought

it was.

Familiarity is a strong bond and, in many cases, it’s chicken

soup for the heart and soul. It’s the reason that like attracts

like, and people who share common interests tend to congre-

gate together in social and spiritual settings. On the other

hand, it’s also the reason why we will stay in relationships,

careers and lifestyle patterns that no longer suit us — we’ve

become too familiar!

Familiarity is a gift when it creates warmth, understanding

and connection. It’s also important to make sure that we aren’t

making assumptions, projections, or simply overlooking the

reality of a person or situation because it’s so familiar.

This became very apparent to me in regard to my daugh-

ter’s resemblance to Shirley Temple. After many months of

apparently taking genuine pleasure from all of the impromptu

Jill Hewlett 23

attention and connection with friendly strangers, my little girl

declared, “People don’t like me. They like Shirley Temple.”

I was shocked and saddened by her revelation. How could

she ever think that? Through our conversation, I discovered

that by projecting the image and enthusiasm for someone

else onto her, it felt to my little girl that they didn’t want to

know her! And you know what? With only the best intentions

of course, she had kind of hit the nail on the head.

Since these interactions were brief, and happening merely

with strangers we encountered on the street, in the park or

at the supermarket, it wasn’t the occasion or place for these

passersby to discover the treasure that is my daughter; there

was no opportunity for exploration beyond the very obvious

fact that she does happen to resemble the famous juvenile

movie star of days gone by.

This was a real eye-opener for me, and while we most

certainly value and appreciate the connections we’ve made,

and continue to make, with people thanks to this Shirley

resemblance, it was also a reminder for me to not take things

for granted or to make assumptions about people according

to outer appearances or association.

Getting to know someone for who they really are takes

time. It makes sense. After all, getting to know oneself is a

life’s journey!

24

Having It All

Recently, I met a mother who stays home to care for and home-

school her three children. From our conversation and my

accompanying observations, it was clear to me that her off-

spring are glowing examples of life blooming in fertile soil!

Being a full-time caregiver is a major responsibility on its

own, and one that was made much more evident in this case,

considering her additional choice to be the sole leader and

facilitator of an effective educational experience for her chil-

dren. I felt much gratitude for this woman who is taking the

road less travelled in the spirit of giving her children what she

feels are the best life and learning opportunities available.

While that’s not to say that I believe this is the best way for

everyone, I do respect her choice, and I genuinely commend

her dedication and success.

For her part, while she appreciated my acknowledgement,

her response made me reflect.

She confided in me that she comes from a family of six

daughters. Three of her sisters chose career paths that required

many years of study and formal application. Because of this,

none of them had the time or energy for children or family-

rearing. This was in contrast to herself and her other two

sisters, all of whom declined furthering their education or

Jill Hewlett 25

pursuing career paths so that they could stay home to birth

children and raise their families.

While all of them are equally successful and happy in

their own right, each carries a stigma of guilt for not having

taken the opposite path. The daughters who prioritized worldly

pursuits and career aspirations now suffer grief for not

having children, or a family life. The daughters who gave

themselves fully to raising children and supporting their

spouses, meanwhile, feel like they missed out on key personal

and professional development.

This is not to say that they don’t each value what she

has accomplished and achieved; they just don’t feel com-

plete or at peace. In a sense, they are constant mirrors who

reflect to each other what could have been, had they chosen

another path.

This conversation had a strong impact on me. I recognized

that this predicament was not unique. It seems to be some-

thing that many of us question or struggle with on a regular

basis. How can we give ourselves fully to our present choices

and responsibilities, while knowing that there is so much

more to life, and so much more we still desire? The greatest

question it seems that we face though is: How do we avoid the

guilt? Guilt for not being at peace with all we have, yes, but,

even more so, guilt for questioning it.To be at peace with

oneself and one’s current place in life is a recipe for good

health. Realistically though, how often do we feel totally con-

tent with our choices, experiences and accomplishments?

Perhaps this disconnect between who and where we are

now and who we’ve yet to become and where we are yet to go

is, indeed, one of the major causes of the physical and mental

distress evident in our society.


Life has a way of nudging us forward in pursuit of con-

tinual growth and renewal. It’s our biological wiring; it’s in

our DNA. It seems, however, that this natural evolution has

become a commodity, and that society has created beliefs and

standards that aren’t necessarily realistic or fulfilling. These

standards require us to continually search outside ourselves

for solutions and material acquisitions that will buy our way

into “FeelGoodville.”

Ironically, it’s the nature and motivation of this pursuit

that actually keep us from the contentment and fulfillment

we seek in undertaking it.

Perhaps the best step to take when we notice ourselves

feeling in a state of bitter lacking is one in the backwards

direction, rather than forward. While we can’t rewind time,

from this place, we may pause, breathe and readjust our per-

spective. Perhaps we’ll discover that life doesn’t happen all

at once, that it’s a process of growth over time. Aspects of our

life are just like the cycles of Mother Nature: there are sea-

sons of bounty and seasons of barrenness. One isn’t less

beautiful or valuable than the other. They are simply different,

and one gives rise to the other.

This reminds me of the words shared by a wise older

woman. A successful entrepreneur, mother and wife, this

marvel was speaking at a conference recently when a mem-

ber of the audience asked her the question we all held in our

hearts: “Is it possible”, she queried of this highly accomplished

female, “to have it all?”

Her answer was simple. “Yes,” she told us. “You can have

it all. Just not all at once.”

27

Ask For It

If you were in a department store and couldn’t find the item

you were looking for, you would ask a salesperson for assis-

tance, right?

It’s unlikely you’d ask your angels or spirit guides to find

it for you, nor would you start writing affirmations or willing

positive energy to miraculously manifest the desired product

before your eyes.

You would simply ask a store employee for help.

What about in our personal lives, when we can’t find,

understand or accomplish something? Do we reach out to the

people and places that can assist us, or do we curl inward in

contemplation and prayer?

While it’s valuable and essential to set goals and nurture

our dreams from an energetic and spiritual place, with pos-

itive intentions and feel-good vibes, it’s equally important

to move toward these desires on a physical level, by taking

action, communicating our needs and asking for help from

the people in our lives.

Sometimes, this is hard to do if we feel that asking for aid

may put us in a place of vulnerability or uncertainty; we may

just try to avoid that spot.


Authentic and from-the-heart communication isn’t typi-

cally easy, especially if we’re shut down or discouraged at an

early age. I know in my own life there have been many times

when I’ve avoided asking direct questions or making clear

requests, due to my own fears and limiting beliefs, rather than

responding to the reality of the situation.

We can’t manifest what we want until we’re able to ask for

it, and that requires us to KNOW what we want first! This

knowledge is the precursor to solid decisions and change.

When we’re enmeshed in responsibilities, conditioning

and other people’s expectations, finding clarity on what we

want can be a tricky process. This is why most life coaches

start by having their clients make a list of what they don’t

want. From that reference point and thanks to the law of con-

trast, the person can identify what she actually does want

and need for herself.

Having access to the simple knowledge of what we want

will have a dramatic impact on how we navigate our daily

life experience. A new alignment, energy and motivation will

take precedence, and that will light the way to new thoughts,

decisions and actions. From this place we can use our spirit

magic to set intentions, pray and affirm our needs and desires.

Most importantly, however, we can openly share this infor-

mation with others, and recruit their input and support.

It takes courage, vulnerability and willingness to ask for

something; courage to take a risk, vulnerability to be honest

and willingness to be open.

When we withhold our requests, we are withholding the

joyful and mutually beneficial exchange that could happen.

We need others to be involved and help create our lives with

us. By not asking for what we need, we are depriving ourselves

Jill Hewlett 29

of connection. Ultimately, our results and experiences will

not be what they could be, if we’re expecting others to read

our minds.

Children are masters at asking questions and requesting

help. They live in a constant place of curiosity, and enjoy an

ongoing willingness to recruit others to achieve such goals

as getting cookies down from a shelf that’s hard to reach!

My daughter amazes me with the clarity and uncanny

timeliness of her questions. Some of her questions are easy

to answer, while others are humbling and make me think

deeply. From that standpoint, questions can lead to further

questions, unexpected answers and, most importantly, growth

and transformation.

Perhaps this is why in Eastern philosophy, the question is

considered more important than the answer.

It is always in our best interest to ask ourselves the big

questions by going deep into our own hearts, and letting the

honest answers come forth. This way, when life answers (and

it always does) through the people, places and events around

us, you will know where you stand, how you will respond and,

ultimately, what it is that you want.

At this point, you will likely feel comfortable about clearly

and directly asking that salesperson, relative, colleague, friend

or team of angels for their involvement and support.

30

Sympathy or Solution?

“Do you want some sympathy or a solution?” This is a line my

mother often uses when someone is dramatizing or bela-

bouring an issue. I find it to be a brilliant and useful inquiry.

My mother is a fairly efficient person by nature. She

values systems, order and productivity. It’s no wonder that

every employer for whom she has ever worked raves about

her. She solves problems, gets the job done well and on time,

and brings a whole lot of creativity and energy to the task.

She is the Energizer Bunny, glorified!

Most would agree that it feels good to bring order to chaos,

whether it’s at work, in our home environment or in our

emotional inner world.

Sometimes, however, it is just plain necessary to sit and

stew in a little havoc until we know what G.O.D. — or Good

Orderly Direction — might look like.

I once heard that true leaders make quick decisions and

act on them. Even if it’s not the “right” decision, per se, they

make it, and then adjust as they go along.

Would that mean that waiting for clarity, the right time or

a sign, are traits indicative of being a “follower?” What about

the old saying that good things come to those who wait? Or

patience is a virtue? My take on the issue is that, sometimes,

Jill Hewlett 31

patience is needed; sometimes, action is.

Have you ever had someone in your life ceaselessly talk

or complain about an issue that never seems to get resolved?

Have you felt frustrated over offering ideas, resources and

encouragement for countless hours, only to find that person

still stuck in the same place? Well, here is something to ques-

tion. Was this seemingly lost soul actually looking for a solution

and disregarding your suggestions, or was it you, in fact, who

had an agenda for their resolution? Maybe they didn’t want

a solution, after all. Maybe all those times you were offering

one, the person on the receiving end was actually in pursuit

of nothing more than an authentic, safe space to vocalize or

feel out their experience. And maybe you weren’t the best

person to offer it.

And it’s not because you didn’t want to, mind, or because

you didn’t care, but perhaps the issue was too close for com-

fort, or you already had your hands full with other demands.

Most forms of therapy entail going within, delving into

the past, feeling through layers of emotions, bringing under-

standing and healing to our life issues. When we are ready

for this kind of digging, undertaking it can be hugely healing

and liberating. Knowing the right time, and identifying the

right person or people for that kind of support, are key.

In contrast, working with someone such as a consultant,

advisor or mediator isn’t about rehashing the past. These pro-

fessionals offer efficient processes for those who are ready

to start from the present and are willing to move forward.

Only you will know what you need, based on where you are

at, the situation you are in and what you are ready for.

Sometimes, we need a shoulder to cry on; sometimes, we

need one to stand on, so we can jump and fly! Sometimes,


sympathy is the solution, and sometimes, “solution is the

solution.” Knowing the difference can save a lot of time and

heartache.

But how can we tell the difference? Just ask. Ask yourself

deeply: Do you need the emotional space to vent or do you

need the expertise of a person who can help you take useful,

practical action?

If this is in regards to offering support to someone else,

best to ask yourself if you have an agenda, or if it’s possible to

discern what this person’s real need is, and take it from there.

Keep in mind that if many rivers have already been cried

over the quandary, then solution and strategy may be in order.

If the issue has been mentally thought out and actions have

been taken without the relief of peace or closure, however,

then perhaps it’s time to rest and feel through it. Both have

their place.

33

In Your Hands

Many people enjoy the feeling that January 1st brings. Certain

times of the year, like the back-to-school season, are a lot like

that. There is a fresh feeling of new beginnings, and opportu-

nities to reset our rhythms and welcome a change of season.

Besides the exhilaration of change, the most satisfying

aspect of these calendar events is the empowerment and free-

dom they lend to our feelings of creativity, and our knowledge

that we are actively contributing to the results we want, in

school, the workplace and our daily lives..

With a sense of new beginnings, it feels like we are working

with an empty canvas and that the paintbrush is in our hands.

Sometimes, though, we experience things over which we

do not have much control. Rather than feeling the freshness

of change or the promise of a new beginning, we find our-

selves waiting.

A number of months ago, a dear friend of mine had an

unwelcome situation happen in his life. It was definitely

unexpected, and not something that he would have ever per-

sonally chosen. Since then, he has been in emotional dis-

comfort and pain, mostly because he can’t do much about it.

This man is a highly intelligent and capable person. His

day job requires a level of skill, efficiency and courage that


most of us could not easily match. And, although by any

standard he is a genuine leader and problem-solver, this

situation is something for which he can’t seem to use those

skills to fix. It’s out of his hands.

To my chagrin, I can’t do much for him either, other than

offer my concern and care. Even more frustrating? This sit-

uation has temporarily, if not for the long term, changed the

nature of our rapport.

When someone is going through a crisis or difficult situ-

ation they are typically forced into self-preservation mode

and feel powerfully the need to withdraw or at least slow

down. Of course, this is because this person’s focus and energy

are needed elsewhere. And even if that means being quiet

and waiting, the best we can do is compassionately hold

space, and let the person know that we are here if and when

he or she needs us.

My father, who suffered a mild heart attack followed by

a stroke, is also dealing with a crisis: a healing crisis. This,

too, was a very unexpected and unwelcome situation, to say

the least.

Immediately after the blockage occurred he was unable

to move or talk, and his general responsiveness was next to

minimal.

As his family, we found this extremely painful to go through.

Watching a man who is so dear to our hearts, and whose typ-

ical demeanour is highly energetic, passionate and engaging,

in this state, was almost unbearable. We wanted him back...

immediately. But other than praying, being at his side, and

ensuring that he was warm and receiving supportive touch,

there wasn’t much we could do but wait.

It was out of our hands.

Jill Hewlett 35

Since that time, my father’s physical health has progressed.

He is much better than he was at the time of the medical

event, but there is still a lot more healing ahead for him. As

for his family members, we continue to pray, offer our sup-

port, and hold the space for him to heal in the way and in the

time that he is meant to.

Sometimes, all we can do is be present, request divine Inter-

vention and wait. The rest is not in our hands.

Perhaps it is a combination of my personality and the soci-

ety in which I grew up that have contributed to my having

such a hard time accepting when I can’t make a meaningful

dent in the situations that I care about. In addition, I notice

that I take more responsibility for situations and outcomes

than I actually need to and, when I come across a dilemma, I

tend to feel a sense of ownership over it and adopt a burden

for it that I believe is mine alone to bear.

Is this unique to me or do most of us feel this way?

There are certainly those out there who simply don’t take

enough responsibility for their actions or the situations near

to them. Their task is to become more self aware and con-

scious of the fact that their thoughts, words and actions do

affect and contribute to the whole.

Not enough responsibility or too much? My sense is that

the best approach is a balanced one. We do our part, and then

let life do the rest. Still, as straightforward a plan as this one

sounds, it’s not so easy. Most of us want control, especially

when it is personal and something in which we are deeply

invested, whether it be physically, mentally or emotionally. We

don’t want to let go, or readily accept the way things are, if

they are not acceptable to us.

Children provide a great illustration of this phenomenon.


Typically, when they are involved in the decision-making

process, little ones are very reasonable and understanding,

even from a young age. If, however, rules are being set or deci-

sions are being made for them, they may either shut down

or rebel.

I experience this firsthand with my daughter. When we

work together and negotiate plans and decisions, she is most

willing to cooperate. But when we are in a hurry, or an adult

decision is made that’s not in line with her way of thinking

that prompts me to say something to the tune of, “because

I said so,” she becomes very contrary and unpleasant. Why?

Because the decision was not hers to make.

Not having a voice or creative input into something doesn’t

feel good to most of us, even when it’s in our best interest.

But what if we were able to take this example and apply

it to our own lives? What if we could adopt the belief that,

when life has plans for us that are not apparently in our

favour, we do our best to open ourselves to the idea that some-

thing bigger may be going on, some overarching scene that

we can’t presently see? It may help to make the current situ-

ation more bearable.

A perspective of this kind isn’t always easy to develop or

keep, but being able to adjust our view in this way may help

us make more sense and even teach us the discipline to let

certain situations resolve themselves for the better.

Staying true to the process and real to our pain while

remaining open to the possibility of a bigger picture unfold-

ing is in our hands. And maybe that is more than enough for

us to hold at any one time anyway.

And as for the rest? It’s in Life’s hands.

37

What Remains

This past weekend I attended a funeral service for my daugh-

ter’s paternal great-grandmother, a person I’ve held dear. It

was a special ceremony filled with love and grace. The pres-

ence and spoken words of her many children and grandchildren

were a testimony to her legacy. While she was not there in

person, her life story filled the room.

It’s during these occasions that we are gifted to know that

we are more than human flesh; we are energy and spirit, too.

When everything else fades away, that is what remains.

While this type of occasion tends to be sad and filled up

with feelings of loss, it also furnishes an opportunity to expe-

rience thankfulness in sharing and reminiscing about the

special memories and gifts that a particular individual brought

to our lives and has left with us.

In this oddly raw and beautiful space emerges what a col-

league and friend so eloquently calls, “the presence of absence.”

This is a connection to, and an understanding of, the people

who are no longer with us, who they were, what they meant

to us and how they contributed to our lives, when they are no

longer physically present.

This palpable recognition led me to ponder how often we

wait until death, tragedy or imbalance before we really tune


into what is already here. That line of thinking may inspire

a person to realize that we take a lot for granted, and don’t

necessarily demonstrate our love and appreciation in the

best ways we could. We may also be swept up in thoughts,

actions and beliefs that aren’t necessarily authentic and reflec-

tive of who we are, due to the hurry and flurry of daily life.

In this case, we may be fuelling endeavours, relationships and

environments that are out of sync with our deeper needs,

truths and natures. It may take a wake-up call to make us

emerge from this denial and genuinely change.

I have a friend who lives by the motto, “If it doesn’t reso-

nate, I won’t participate!” It’s a great way to live life, but how

do we truly know if a person, place or activity resonates or

doesn’t?

Sometimes, stepping back just to notice and let the dust

settle are the greatest steps we can take in any situation.

While it may be frightening to slow down, pause and tem-

porarily let go of our comfort zones to make our way through

the thick smoke and many mirrors our hectic lives have thrown

in the path, we may in fact be saving ourselves time by avoid-

ing the detours, mistakes and repeat lessons that might

otherwise lie in wait. In other cases, we may simply find a

deeper, clearer appreciation for ourselves, others and, ulti-

mately, our purpose.

In any event, whether we come to further understand the

present life we’ve created and the choices we’ve made, or to

realize that we need to take stock, make changes and redesign,

the data points are eminently useful, and worth the effort of

their uncovering.

This exercise tends to be easier when it is undertaken in

reference to another; when someone dear to us is not so near.

Jill Hewlett 39

It’s more challenging when it requires us to step back from

our own daily life routine and examine ourselves with objec-

tivity. Indeed, sometimes we need help. Thankfully there

are many options of modalities — in group and individual

settings — that can facilitate our healing journey.

In the meantime, consider making choices that do truly

resonate with you and honour your essence. You might be sur-

prised to learn that others will benefit from your efforts, too.

My young daughter actually connected these concepts

about perspective during a conversation we had on the day

of this lovely old woman’s funeral.

I was dropping her at the babysitter’s house on the way

to the service when she asked some insightful questions about

the ceremony and burial. Her delightful curiosity gave me

such a gift when she asked, “Is everyone going to cheer when

Great-Grandma’s body is buried in the ground?” I wasn’t quite

sure what she meant, so I asked her to clarify. Her response

was, “Well, she lived a long and good life, she did many things

and had lots of fun — isn’t that something to celebrate?”

She was absolutely right. Her youthful clarity and pres-

ence could easily see and communicate the truth. It was an

occasion to celebrate, and that was the wisdom I carried

throughout that special day.

40

Your Creative Instrument

Typically, when we think of an “instrument,” we picture some-

thing like a trumpet, violin or flute. We may not realize that

our own physical body is an instrument, as well. It is actually

the most complex and beautiful of them all.

Through the gift of our senses, interpretations, feelings,

thoughts, language and learning styles, we all contribute daily

to creating our collective global experience.

Without realizing it, we may at times get “out of tune,” and

lose harmony with the creative spirit that expresses itself

through us. This inevitability can leave us feeling discon-

nected or like we aren’t contributing to the greater whole.

Our own clarity of mind and emotional balance are deter-

mined by how well our physical bodies are functioning. If our

body is not cared for in the way it needs, similar to a guitar or

piano that hasn’t been tuned, it won’t function properly.

Lack of sleep, nutrition, sunlight or integrative movement

will inevitably throw us out of tune! Knowing this can be a

good motivator for making those daily acts of loving kindness

toward ourselves a habit.

Another aspect to note is that, while we are similar, there

are no two human instruments that are exactly alike.

Jill Hewlett 41

Using this metaphor has helped me to deepen my accep-

tance of others and myself and to welcome the multitude of

flavours, perspectives, attitudes and choices available to us

as human beings.

When we get that that difference is the norm, we move from

a place of judgment and comparison to a place of recognition

and celebration! We are thankful that each and every person

has his or her own story and unique contribution.

When people are seen and held in that perspective, the

gifts they have to share grow, because they feel safe unfold-

ing their nature and bringing forth the originality that only

they can birth. With it, we all become whole; without it, we are

all less.

Imagine bringing this philosophy into the classrooms,

workplaces and homes of people across the planet! Just as a

symphony would not be possible without a variety of instru-

ments, we wouldn’t be able to create this rich life experience

without our differences. The differences are essential.

Remember, you are a unique, creative, inspired being who

can’t ever be replicated, reproduced or replaced. As such, it is

important and rewarding to find out how you can best fine-tune

yourself to bring your own music to the world.

In the inspired words of Saint Francis of Assisi, there are

many ways we can be an instrument. “Where there is hatred,

sow love,” he urged. “Where there is darkness, be light; and

where there is sadness, bring joy.”

Whether or not you consider yourself to be musical, each

of us offers a unique vibration to the world on a daily basis.

So ensure that your physical body is properly tuned — and

that you are playing a song that you enjoy!

42

If You Love Me

Although I didn’t grow up in a particularly “holistic” house-

hold, my parents certainly used common sense, along with a

lot of love, to raise my sisters and me.

We still talk about the “candy box” that each of us had

when we were kids. This was where we put the treats that

were given to us on birthdays, Halloween and Easter, as well

as the candy shared with us from other kids at school or on

the playground.

Instead of eating the candy all at once or whenever we

wanted, our parents implemented a rule that allowed us to only

have access to these treats at certain times on the weekend.

This way, they could moderate our intake of unhealthy

things. At the same time, maybe without necessarily intend-

ing it, they also taught us valuable life lessons, such as those

associated with the pleasure of enjoying something more for

having waited for it, the fairness of negotiating a win-win

plan, and the responsibility of managing and following through

on a system.

On a regular basis, we were taken to the small health-

food store in town called “Nature’s Paradise” for a snack or

to buy a “special treat.” These so-called treats looked and

tasted sweet, but did not have the refined sugars or harmful

Jill Hewlett 43

chemicals that are put into so many of the packaged foods

found in the regular grocery stores.

On the wall of this health-food store hung a large poster

with two smiling and radiant-looking children, a boy and a

girl, whose T-shirts read, “If you love me, don’t feed me junk!”

Although we were young, we got it. There was an unspoken

understanding that our parents weren’t trying to deprive us;

they were acting in our best interest.

It may have taken creativity and effort for my parents to

implement these strategies at the time, but over the long

term, the effort paid off greatly. My sisters and I are very

thankful that they made these investments in our health and

well-being.

This approach is very different from the one I see moti-

vating many children’s upbringing today. It seems that

unhealthy, sugar-based foods are a staple in most diets

and, because of it, kids are suffering in physical, mental and

emotional ways.

What is more interesting is that parents are turning to

these unhealthy options in a variety of unhealthy ways. They

are using them as bribes, as ways to avoid upsets, as quick

fixes and as methods for keeping kids amused.

Junk food may seem like an appealing option because it

“appears” faster and easier. In the busy and overwhelmed

lives of families today, saving time is a major consideration.

However, let’s be honest: What’s easier and faster than bit-

ing into an apple, peeling a banana or munching on trail mix?

Natural raw food is fast food.

Besides, it’s essentially a guarantee that if you don’t invest

the time into your health now, you’ll be paying A LOT more for

it later.


Over the years, my parents’ interest in, and commitment

to, health evolved so greatly that they now have a nutrition

business called “Life Gets Better.” Here, they share their

personal testimonials and strategies for feeling and looking

better in their late 60s than they did in their 50s. Their busi-

ness is based on providing the organic, plant-derived sup-

plementation that is essential for the physical, mental and

emotional functions of people of all ages.

This work is their passion and comes from their hearts,

as they know firsthand the benefits of eating properly and

supplementing wisely. Being parents and grandparents, it

pains them to see how the younger generations are weak-

ening and suffering at much younger ages from ailments that,

only decades ago, were the domain of the elderly alone. This

inventory includes heart disease, diabetes and cancer, as well

as a multitude of learning, behavioural and mental disorders

that also seem to be on the rise.

With celebrations such as Valentine’s and other special

occasions during which unhealthy eating is the norm, it may

be very worthwhile to consider how you might deliver some

sweetness to the special people in your life without purchas-

ing the traditional gift of candy or chocolate treats. It’s not

too hard. After all, having fun, laughing and playing with our

significant others is really the sweetest gift of all!

45

Five Alive

On the surface, it may not be immediately apparent, but

the ability to take regular pauses in one’s daily living rou-

tine is a skillful art that is essential to life preservation and

rejuvenation.

When our lives get busy and schedules become laden,

the tendency for most people is to go faster and work harder.

Does that sound familiar?

Superficially, this makes sense. What better way to get

results and accomplish more, right?

Ironically, this is not the case. If your car has a flat tire,

would driving faster or pushing it harder be the smart move?

A flat tire is a metaphor for a system that is out of bal-

ance. When people are perpetually busy and in a hurry, they

are likely under copious amounts of stress and may not even

be aware of it. This means they are out of natural balance.

Given this state, the chance that mistakes will happen increases,

as does the incidence of unhealthy choices. The enjoyment

of the journey, in turn, is forgotten. Too bad.

Of course, experienced in short spurts, stress can be a

motivator, can open up opportunities and present new ways

for us to stretch and grow in unexpected and exciting direc-

tions. As a lifestyle, however, it is highly detrimental and can


lead to disease. There is no doubt about that.

Being part of today’s society makes it nearly impossible

to avoid both stress and the conditions that evoke it. Every-

thing from the environment and financial matters, to health

concerns and our basic security are important issues and

delicate matters. Instead of dealing with stress directly, most

people develop unhealthy coping mechanisms to help them

get by the best they can.

Some people will react to stress with force, wrapping them-

selves in a tough skin and making noises about just getting

the job done, while their joie de vivre is severely stifled.

Others will let fear spur them to seek shelter behind a cloud

of denial, and the repression of their self-expression may

lead to depression, one of today’s leading heath issues.

Whether we quietly retreat or forcefully fight back, when

we are under a great amount of stress we are not engaged

as active, balanced, healthy participants in the game of life.

Unless a person is able to unplug from the routine rat race,

he or she will inevitably be eaten alive.

In order to protect oneself from such a disaster, simple

and regular pauses throughout one’s day provide the fodder

for balance, rejuvenation and wellness.

In my work as a Cognitive Fitness expert and Brain Gym®

trainer, I can say with certainty that people’s “pause-ability”

— or their ability to pause and notice things — is a skill that

needs to be consciously developed.

When we are in stress mode, we are operating with our

survival-based brain stem, which dictates flight or fight as the

principal options. When we recover balance, we move into

midbrain and can proceed to our frontal lobes where options

are available to us.

Jill Hewlett 47

Simply taking a moment to unplug from that stressful

thought, feeling or action will restore balance, and connect

us with our creativity and confidence. Pause-ability leads us

to new possibilities.

The great news is that these breaks do not need be time

consuming and, when implemented, will lead us to greater

clarity, focus and productivity.

A glass of water, a breath of fresh air, a walk around the

block, a favourite song, a short meditation, a healthy snack,

the voice of a friend or some Cognitive Fitness movements

such as Brain Gym® are all quick, simple and effective ways

to restore balance and connection.

Acquiring the healthy habit of dispersing quick, five-

minute breaks throughout your day will yield tremendous

results, in both the immediate and long terms. Most impor-

tantly, when you are experiencing feelings of being over-

whelmed, fatigued or frustrated, this is precisely when you

need to take that time for yourself to pause and avoid falling

back into the typical stress pattern.

Take Five & Feel Alive!

48

Tao of Ripeness

For weeks, I’ve been practising the Tao of Ripeness. The Tao

of Ripeness is the Eastern name I’ve given to a Westerner’s

way of living that appeals to more balance and joy.

The practice started when I was in the car, driving to var-

ious destinations, and listening to a recording of a beautiful

East Indian chant. I tuned in to the poignant sounds, and a

soulful longing washed over me.

While I didn’t know the meaning of the words at the time,

the effect they brought about was profound.

Later, I learned that the chant that had so moved me is,

in fact, a request to evoke an awakening in consciousness. It

yearns for ripeness, like that of a cucumber; an expressed

desire for one to become so full that he or she simply drops

from the vine of illusion.

To chant a song that requests ripeness, like that of a fruit,

and that results in the effortless falling away from that which

is not beneficial, is simply brilliant!

To me, this vision of ripeness is comparable to health —

becoming so alive and zinging with “yeses” that anything

unlike it can no longer remain. It’s another version of becom-

ing the light but, for some reason, the idea of becoming ripe

and juicy gives me a more tangible sense of “how to.” My gut

Jill Hewlett 49

gets it! It’s now a body-centred analogy, rather than a men-

tal construct. It gives me a gauge with which I can monitor

my breath, posture, sense of relaxation, energy level and

overall sense of well-being.

But what does becoming ripe actually mean? My sense

is that it’s about committing to engage in a journey toward

health and wholeness. To me, this is the backbone of all

growth, both material and spiritual. Health becomes wealth,

and wholeness, holiness.

When a person is well hydrated; zinging with good stuff

like minerals, vitamins, garden greens and underwater plant

life; kissed by the sun; refreshed by the outdoors; recharged

with good nights’ sleeps; filled with daily movement, play

and moments with family and community; and surrounded

by an aura of gratitude, he or she will have a better chance

of making choices that serve his or her best interests! What’s

more, this mystical condition is available to us all.

Why put all of our efforts into realizing future dreams, when

we can direct the focus on actually becoming the person who

would be capable of living those dreams? Perhaps life will

bring the rest effortlessly!

My experience is that, if we were capable of living those

dreams now, we’d be living them. We can only be given what

we are ready for. Why not prepare our inner terrain and let

life adjust accordingly?

In this refreshed state, we might find out that our dreams

change, that new ones appear or even that we’re actually

pretty content with the way things currently are.

I notice that as I commit to my own aliveness, and let go

of all other attachments, I start to breathe more deeply, to relax

and to let go of external distractions and stress. I simply enjoy


being in my body more, and that translates to enjoying my

life more. Ironically, the contentment that I was looking for

outside myself was in me all along, and the decisions I need

to make and the actions I need to take become much clearer.

So, how about it? Rather than controlling the unpredict-

able world around you, make ripeness your goal. No more

arguing with life as it is or fighting for your version of it. The

focus shifts to simply becoming ripe and juicy in this sweet

present moment, and letting the fruits fall where they may!

51

This Is It

I remember years ago one of my high school teachers saying

that “math, and science help us to function in society; music

and the arts are what we live for.”

This comment has always stayed with me.

There is no doubt that the orderly and analytical quali-

ties, explored through such left-brain subjects as math and

science, are essential to our daily existence.

It is imperative, however, that we equally prioritize and

engage such right-brain aspects as laughter, emotion, intu-

ition, spontaneity, empathy and creativity that are put into

play when we listen to music or participate in the arts.

When we engage both sides of our nature and brain, we find

wholeness, and our human potential shines through. When we

don’t, we are out of balance, and disease sets in.

When enough individuals are not living in balance and

connection, we foster a society that isn’t, either. The outcome:

an unhealthy and rampant search for a cure to our modern-

day distress that will “save us.”

The real solution, of course, is far simpler and much more

effective than that. While there are many ways to set the stage

for personal and global wellness, my experience tells me that

it would be beneficial to revisit the words of my former high


school teacher and let our raison d’être become a strong and

regular part of our daily life existence.

Could exploring, expressing and simply enjoying the cre-

ative arts be a solution? My heart says this could be so.

Our own respective communities are each host to a pleth-

ora of options on this front. When we support our local

festivals, screenings, concerts, gallery exhibits, plays, poetry

readings and workshops, the benefits are far reaching. And,

while it doesn’t always seem time- or cost-effective to par-

ticipate in these offerings, we must! These experiences take

us out of our mundane and habitual way of operating, and

bring us movement, healing, creativity, colour, romance, beauty,

passion, aliveness and new perspectives that are essential

to not only our wholeness, but the nourishment of our souls.

Whether you host the event, actively participate in it or are

part of an appreciative audience to it, you are involved, and

your involvement is important.

A couple of weeks ago, I enjoyed seeing the Michael Jackson

movie that was based on his private collection of behind-

the-scenes footage in preparation of his “This Is It” concert.

The endless hours of dedication and hard work required

to make such a huge and seamless production like that come

to life were impressive, not to mention the display of unri-

valled expertise of a man who mastered the world of music

and music production. It’s one thing to perform well; it’s

another to create the environment and structure to stage it.

No doubt, Jackson’s live concert series would have been an

over-the-top, unforgettable experience, had he not died so

suddenly. I was truly inspired.

While the life of an artist may appear to be a joy ride, it

takes a lot of hard work, dedication, sweat, tears and, most

Jill Hewlett 53

of all, courage, to deliver one’s inner self and creativity onto

a platform, such as a canvas or stage, for the world to expe-

rience and enjoy.

Many of these right-brain “artsy” types are beacons of

light, truth crusaders and advocates for humanity, animals

and the environment. It’s through their own vulnerability and

openness that they remind us of our own inherent nature,

encouraging us to tap into the resources, creativity and bril-

liance we each carry inside.

Through osmosis, we leave those performances and events

with a healthy dose of the arts infused in our cells, our brains

more balanced and our hearts more open.

If anything can have a positive impact on the world, then

THIS IS IT.

54

Graffiti Guru

Recently, I auditioned for a Dr. Seuss TV commercial. The

production company was looking for moms who could share

genuine testimonials about the classic book series he so

famously penned. I found it easy to candidly sing the praises

of an author who simultaneously encouraged play and liter-

acy; so I got the part.

Using rhythm and rhyme, the Seuss series eloquently

dances with our right brain, the side that doesn’t get stimu-

lated often enough in the throes of busy life. This is the side

of our natural intelligence that is playful, spontaneous, cre-

ative, movement oriented and essential to our health, balance

and success, as well as our ability to read. It’s amazing how

intricately fun and intelligence are actually interconnected.

Not limited to traditional storylines or characters (no prin-

cesses, pirates or knights populate these madcap yarns), Dr.

Seuss instead enlightens us with personages like Horton, the

Whos and Ziffer-Zoffer-Zu! Our minds grow as we become

fond of these oddly named creatures that live in uncommon

and adventurous narratives.

Creating zany characters and rhythmically inspired

stories, Dr. Seuss not only reminds us to colour outside of the

lines and think outside of the box, he shows us it’s possible,

Jill Hewlett 55

by doing so himself. In his own witty and whimsical words,

he urges, “Nonsense wakes up the brain cells!”

He’s right! Nonsense, in the form of play, does make us

smarter.

We all need regular playtime. It reminds us to be silly, to do

things differently, to be ourselves. This leads to timely and

empowered action. “You’re off to Great Places! Today is your

day! Your mountain is waiting, so get on your way!” says Dr. Seuss.

People, environments and literature that provide such

sentiments are not only a positive influence, they are abso-

lutely critical components in nurturing humankind’s mental,

physical and emotional health. As simple as play can be, when

it’s lacking, very serious consequences can result.

In the words of Stuart Brown in his well-known Ted Talk

video, “Play is more than fun. We all have an internal narrative

that needs to be shared, heard and expressed. Studies have

shown that, when looking at the childhood of criminals, many of

them were void of play in their upbringing.”

Personally, when I’m not experiencing enough playful-

ness in my life, I feel stuck, irritable and unmotivated, to say

the least.

Without play, individuality, creative thought and expres-

sion are repressed, and so are the minds, bodies and spirits

that house these vitals. The human spirit is strong and can

only be repressed for so long. If positive expressive outlets

are not available, then less favourable means will be used.

This leads to complacency, distress, illness and, in some cases,

violence and abuse.

This is clearly evident in the recent want-ad posters in

public locations that give voice to the issue of graffiti vandal-

ism and the need for it to be stopped.


While Toronto is considered a modern, safe and free-

thinking city, we still struggle with providing the encouragement

and education required to give all children, teens and adults

spaces to honour their wisdom, creativity and self expression.

In other words, playful ways to access their balanced, whole

and best selves.

Graffiti has existed since ancient times as a vehicle for self

expression and the beautification of public venues. Today,

unfortunately, it is most often associated with gangs, vandal-

ism and the defacing of public property by individuals who

(while they likely have important messages to share along with

some special artistic talent) are nonetheless illegally venting

their pent-up social and political views with such acts.

What radical contrast to a special event I attended awhile

back, when professional graffiti artists were actually flown

into Toronto to decorate one of the large exterior walls of an

old church in the downtown core. It was a festive event and

the community was also invited to take part and share in

music, food and this historical transition of old to new. The

paintings were elaborate, spiritual and legal.

This scene is in the minority, though. How many graffiti

artists do you know, after all, who are being paid and cele-

brated for their work? Unfortunately, many people on the

planet, and right here in our own community, simply don’t

feel they have a safe and welcoming place to live, have their

opinions heard or get their needs met, never mind a public

canvas upon which to create and express!

Could the cure be in our own cupboard, or at least in our

backyard?

When looking for ways to mitigate and eliminate violence,

abuse and issues like the defacement of public property,

Jill Hewlett 57

perhaps we need to consider the cry for help that is actually

going on here.

The lifeline we need to provide may be as simple and

profound as starting early and ensuring there is a variety of

outlets for creative and individual expression for all ages and

learning styles. This is called play.

58

Treasure Hunt

According to Martha Beck, one of Oprah’s leading coaches

and columnists, aspects of life in which we struggled, fell

behind or didn’t fit in are in fact areas where we could have

hidden talents and may have more natural skill than is the

norm. If it doesn’t look that way yet, it could simply be that

the timing is off, that we aren’t in the right environment or

that our growth curve is slower.

As a society, most of us are results oriented, and want

things to look a certain way in a certain amount of time. When

they don’t, we tend to feel incompetent and faulty. When our

grades falter, we compare ourselves to others who are better,

and feel that we are letting others down. In these situations,

it may be hard to perceive that any positive momentum is

actually going on.

For most, in order to avoid further frustration and disap-

pointment, it feels safer and more appealing to simply head

in the other direction, and to avoid any situations that would

stir up memories of past failings.

The notion that we are a star yet to shine, or that we have

gifts waiting to unfold, is furthest from our mind!

When founder of Brain Gym® International, Dr. Paul

Dennison, failed grade three because he couldn’t read, the

Jill Hewlett 59

idea that he would one day become a world authority on cog-

nitive development and literacy, and the author of numerous

books and training programs used worldwide, didn’t seem

plausible. In fact, when his grade school teacher overtly

shamed him for poor oral reading and his classmates laughed,

he probably felt like he never wanted to pick up a book again.

Once he changed schools and found himself in a more nur-

turing environment, his literacy skills naturally developed

and, eventually, flourished.

I know in my own life, if someone had told me that one

day I’d be enjoying a career as a professional speaker, based

on my early years of fear and trepidation of speaking before

my classmates, I would have laughed! (No, I would have cried.)

Even further from the realm of possibility, considering that

art was consistently my lowest mark that brought down my

overall average, was the idea that one day I would experi-

ence immense fulfillment creating a line of visual art called

HeartArt, and selling it in the form of cards, prints and one-

of-a-kind frames to uplift walls, spaces and people around

the globe. Evidently, this was a timing issue for me, and the

maturation of these seeds had their own internal clock.

Based on concrete evidence and past failures, our percep-

tion of who we are, what we’re good at, and where we will

ultimately derive fulfillment and joy, may be limited or incorrect

due to timing, environment or something’s inappropriateness

as a personal endeavour.

The question is, how do we know the difference?

In the wise words of Dr. Dennison, “behind our wounds,

we find our medicine.” An essential part of our human expe-

rience entails travelling beyond these wounds, and staying

true to the whisper of our hearts. In the process of healing,


growing and maturing, we uncover natural skills and talents

that become the gifts we share with others. Having struggled

before succeeding, we gain endurance, depth, courage and

compassion that can lead us and others to more stable, healthy

and fertile ground.

So how do we support ourselves in emerging as our best

and most radiant versions when we feel less than adequate,

or the present results do not yet match the deeper calling

that resides within? More importantly, how do we know if

we’re stuck in the weeds, a wallflower on the cusp of wild-

flower hood, or if we are simply in the wrong soil?

In my opinion, this is the Treasure Hunt we are all on. This

journey has hills, valleys, plateaus, periods of free sailing,

periods of heavy slogging and moments when we are just

plain stuck.

What a revelation it is to have, however, that just because

we failed, or our results didn’t match our expectations or

those of others, we don’t have to give up on our dreams. If

we do decide to walk away from that path, if it’s meant to be,

life in its infinite wisdom will bring similar opportunities to

us again, perhaps at a time when we are more ready and

receptive for them. Why? Because seeds are determined to

grow in the way they were designed; it’s their purpose.

In the meantime, we should all remember that what once

had been the source of difficulty and discomfort can emerge as

the remedy and a source of great healing, hidden treasures and

unique self expression that can serve you and the whole world

magnificently well.

Remember, Oprah Winfrey was fired from one of her early

reporting jobs, told she was “unfit for TV.” Things aren’t always

as they seem!

61

Born this Way

Recently, for my daughter’s birthday, her Aunt Laura gifted

her with a most special, unique and empowering present.

Endowed with a beautiful singing voice, Laura created a

cover song to “Born This Way” by Lady Gaga. While staying

true to the tune and powerful message of the original piece,

she customized it to her niece’s personality, interests and

young age.

The result is amazing and has brought such a positive

impact to bear. Anyone with whom my daughter shares it is

moved by this inspiring song whose main message is: Be

yourself. Why? You were born that way.

As a child, the closest encounter I had to a song like that

was at our Anglican Church, with “This little light of mine,

I’m going to let it shine!”

The difference, of course, is that the Sunday School song

was more about openly sharing the love and light of God

that is within us, and Lady Gaga’s song is about loving and

being ourselves.

Personally, I can’t think of a more important message than

one that celebrates the development and delivery of our most

authentic nature to the world. Whether we see that as self or

an expression of God, this is the place from which we have


the most to contribute and the most to gain.

You’d think it would be an easy task for most people to

identify their most authentic selves and work to display same

prominently to the world. After all, that’s what we’re designed

to do. Just as in the natural environment, of which we are an

integral part, where the chestnut doesn’t grow into a fir tree,

and the rose bud doesn’t hide behind the petals of a tulip, why

should we withhold our truth in any way?

Years ago, I interviewed a numerologist on my community

TV program who shared her experience working with peo-

ple’s birth numbers and life paths, and proclaimed that a

person can only truly excel at that which they are programmed

to be. If a person tries to go against that grain, it will always

be problematic, exhausting and limiting.

She went so far as to say that this is as true for positive

attributes as it is for negative. For example, if a person is

meant to be an artist, art in some shape or form will come

through them, whatever the opportunities, nudges and out-

right pushes it might take to bring it to the surface. If they

fight it, they will likely become ill or depressed.

From another angle, she has observed that if a person is

not wired to lie or conjure misleading stories, then he will

rarely, if ever, get away with it when he tries. If, however,

someone does possess a streak of the charlatan, he’ll likely

find an ease in weaving tales and pulling wool over other

people’s eyes.

This not to condone lying; it is simply to shed light on the

fact that when we tune in and listen, it becomes very obvi-

ous that each and every one of us is created in a way that’s

particular and unique.

Although we were likely aware of and connected with our

Jill Hewlett 63

true self at a young age, fears, belief systems, an absence of

role models along with a wide gamut of other factors discon-

nect us from this innate relationship. In turn, the thoughts,

feelings and actions we undertake and the life that ensues

can no longer genuinely reflect who we really are. We end up

living a lie.

In the insightful words of François Duc de La Rochefou-

cauld, “We are so accustomed to disguising ourselves to others

that in the end we have become disguised to ourselves.”

Uncovering our authentic selves is a process. We have to

let go of those artificial layers and efforts to fit in and please

others, and tune into what makes us happy, sparks our inter-

ests, evokes our passions, and permits us a taste of personal

meaning and fulfillment.

Ironically, embarking on the path to be oneself may ini-

tially feel like one of the most daunting tasks out, and many

try to overlook or ignore it. It can take enormous stores of

vulnerability and commitment to reveal who we truly are —

to ourselves, others and the world. But really, is there any

other choice?

Recently, I heard another empowering song, this one called

“Shake it Out,” by Florence + the Machine. When I listen to

it, I get up and energetically shake off what is heavy and no

longer serves me because, as Florence says, it really is too

hard to dance with a devil on your back! Distractions, other

people’s opinions and the general stress of living as an impos-

ter in one’s own life can prove a burdensome weight.

Is it time to rally the support and courage required to bury

that dead horse in the ground and let go of those people,

places and circumstances that compromise your truth, dim

your light, diminish your grace and negate the beauty of your


spirit? Is it time to start living in greater unison with your own

soul? Is it time to be you?

You were, after all, born that way!

Heart /

Heart Intelligence

Have you ever avoided doing something, all the while know-

ing in your heart it was the right thing to do? Perhaps out of

fear, impatience or apprehension about judgement, you put

up some resistance — until you could resist no longer.

How wonderful and liberating did it ultimately feel to do

the right thing, that perfectly crafted, heart-inspired action?

So wonderful was the sensation that you likely even ques-

tioned why you fought the doing in the first place.

Fight it, deny it or try to ignore it, you will eventually have

to make peace with it. THE HEART RULES!

Science has proven that the electromagnetic field sur-

rounding the heart is six times bigger and stronger than that

of the brain. Positive feeling far outweighs positive thinking,

and heart-inspired actions far outweigh those quick fixes

that are crafted in the brain alone.

If you tune in, you can probably even feel it. It’s where

our power resides, after all, and it’s in our eminent best

interest to make it our home base.

Tie the head and the heart together, and that exceptional

creative power becomes available to us at all times, right in our

own body!

67


So what prevents us from accessing and using this power

more regularly?

The issue is this: In order to get into this divine alchemy,

we need to be feeling relaxed, open and connected in our

body. On the face of it, this doesn’t seem much to ask, but it

can be a tall order for a modern-day society whose partici-

pants don’t have time to breathe!

The great news is that what we resist will continue to persist.

Even if we are avoiding our heart’s intelligence, it will continue

to niggle away at us until we finally surrender to its call.

I am noticing this in both my personal and professional

life. The means of tackling particular decisions and actions

that I’ve held off making due to fear of failure, success or the

unknown are now becoming quite clear and effortless.

Was I simply ignoring my heart’s wisdom before now?

Not entirely, and certainly not in all areas. My sense is that

it just wasn’t the time or the season to make that journey

from my head to my heart, in those areas. I needed to connect

some more dots first!

It’s one thing to meditate on love; it’s another to put love

into daily action.

Are you ready to allow your heart to be your guide and

accept the life changes that come from this quantum shift in

perspective and action?

Consider starting with a healthy dose of self love, and

then extend it to others. To get yourself “in the mood,” try

this simple exercise:

Take a pen and journal and list 100 things you love to

do. From that inventory, select the 10 you love most. From

that 10, select five. From that five, select one. Now go do it!

Jill Hewlett 69

Afterwards, take a bubble bath and eat some dark choco-

late (those happen to be two of my most favourite things to

do and they are good for you!).

70

When Love Met Madness

Over a decade ago, I spent six months living and travelling

through what is considered by many to be the heart chakra

of Mother Earth: East India.

During my stay, I experienced countless treasures through

sight, sound, taste, people, places and circumstances that I

continue to reflect on and reminisce about today.

In the spirit of love and connection, I would like to share

a special story that was gifted to me by an English teacher

from a nearby school with whom I was chatting in a local

restaurant. He explained that he had given his young Indian

students a special writing assignment to have them demon-

strate their knowledge of the meaning of a specific collection

of English words — namely, virtues and vices. He was par-

ticularly impressed with one of his students who wrote this

charming and insightful story.

Enjoy!

(Only slight changes have been made for reading compre-

hension purposes.)

Jill Hewlett 71

When love met maDneSS

A long time ago, before the world was created and humans

set foot on it, Virtues and Vices wandered bored, not know-

ing what to do.

One day, they were all bored and gathered together, when

Ingenious had an idea: Why don’t we play hide and seek? And

all of them liked the idea.

Immediately, the mad Madness shouted: “I want to count,

I want to count” and, since no one else was enthusiastic about

seeking Madness, he got his wish. Madness leaned on a tree

and started to count, “one, two, three,” while Vices and Virtues

went to hide.

Tenderness hung on the light of the moon; Treason in a

pile of garbage; Softness curled up between the clouds; Lie

said he would hide under a stone but he lied and hid at the

bottom of the lake; Passion went to the core of the Earth;

Freedom flew on the wing of a butterfly. Madness continued

to count, “79, 80, 81, 82.” All the Vices and Virtues were hid-

den by then, except for Love who, as undecided as she is, did

not know where to hide. And this should not surprise us

because we all know how difficult it is to hide Love.

Madness was already at “95, 96, 97” and, just at the

moment he arrived at 100, Love jumped into a rosebush and

there she hid. Madness shouted “I’m coming! I’m coming!”

and, as he turned, the first one he saw was Laziness, thrown

to her feet because she didn’t have any energy to hide! Then

he saw Tenderness in the light of the moon, and Lie at the

bottom of the lake, and felt Passion deep in the core of the

Earth. He discovered them one by one, finding all of them

but one.


Madness was getting desperate, unable to find the last,

until Envy, envious about her not having been discovered,

whispered to Madness, “You are lacking Love, and she is hid-

ing in the rosebush.” Madness took a wooden pitchfork and

jabbed at the rosebush. He jabbed and jabbed till a heart-

breaking shout made him stop. And, after the shout, Love

came out covering her face with her hands, and from between

her fingers ran two threads of blood, out of her eyes. Madness,

so anxious to find Love, had taken out her eyes with a pitch-

fork. He implored, “What have I done? What have I done? I

have left you blind! How can I repair it?”

Love answered, “You can’t restore my eyes but you could

be my eternal guide.”

From that day on, Love has always been blind and accom-

panied by Madness.

73

Being Seen

Why is it so hard to recognize our own beauty, wisdom, accom-

plishments and inherent worthiness? Imagine embracing the

perfection that you are, and going into the new year ahead

without anything to prove or improve.

I’m not suggesting that we forgo all goals and ambitions

for future self improvement, but by denying the truth of our

amazing brilliance, here and now, we bring about unneces-

sary stress. We take actions that are futile and desperate, all

in the hopes of hiding, fixing, changing, improving or mend-

ing a hole that simply isn’t there.

What if the person you admired and respected most in the

world was to tell you from the deepest part of their heart’s

knowledge that you are enough and perfect, just as you are?

Would you believe them? Would you let those words into

your heart and feel the impact of that truth? Would you let

them resonate with what your soul already knows; that you

are absolute perfection?

What about offering this priceless gift to someone else

by going beyond a routine compliment and looking deep into

their eyes, heart and soul? What about telling them, without

a shadow of doubt, that they are a magnificent marvel, right

now, precisely as they are?


At the dawn of a new day, month or year, before you set

goals that take you “somewhere,” make it your priority to

become the person you are. Let the deepest part of your heart’s

knowing tell you that you are enough, you are perfect, you

are whole, you are goodness, you are brilliance, you are mag-

ical, you are divine, you are love. Just as you are right now.

Once we see who we really are, then the choices we make,

the intentions we set, the visions we have for our futures will

change dramatically.

It’s not likely that we’ll become unmotivated or compla-

cent if we undertake this exercise. More likely, we’ll no longer

continue our habit of fearfully skimming the surface of life

in a state of scarcity. Instead, we will be nourished on solid

ground . . . by truth.

In my coaching practice, I’ve come to realize that most

people are not aware of their natural brilliance, the accom-

plishments they’ve enjoyed, or the positive impact they’ve

made on the people and world around them.

It is much easier for me to see their value, impact and all

the ways they’ve made a difference; it is not as easy for them

to recognize these virtues for themselves.

On many occasions when clients have wanted to work on

future goals, I have started the exercise by taking them

through a mini “graduation ceremony.” This is where we list,

reflect on and celebrate who they are to date. It is a self-

recognition party!

Speaking of parties, for my father’s 65th birthday, as a

tribute to the man we love so dearly, we shared stories, senti-

ments, and words that describe the important and irreplaceable

part he plays in all of our lives. This was after a competitive

game of five-pin bowling, of course!

Jill Hewlett 75

Not only was hearing what we all had to say a sincere

and special gift to him, it was also a gift for the rest of us to

play such an active role in bearing witness to the beauty and

significance of another person’s life.

These kinds of gatherings are important rituals. In our

shared pursuit of a healthier society, they should happen

between friends and family members on a regular basis, not

be reserved for special occasions only.

I once knew a woman who would frequently tell her son,

“The world is a better place, just because you are here.” This

was inferring that this human being was required to neither

earn his place nor prove his worth, and that just being a pres-

ence on the planet was more than enough.

In that same expansive vein, I’d like all of you to know

that you, too, are perfect as you are, and that you also make

the world a better place, just by being in it.

76

Face Time

Does distance make your heart grow fonder, or when some-

one is out of sight, are they also out of mind?

Not many people would argue that all healthy forms of

relationship require a balance between time spent together

and time spent apart.

While I recognize that space is essential for growth and

that quantity time does not necessarily yield quality time,

experience has taught me that the more time we share, the

more opportunities there are for quality moments to take

place.

True intimacy (in-to-me-see), in the form of bonding, deep

listening and genuine sharing, can’t be planned or forced; it

needs to be birthed naturally in its own way and at its own

time. Co-creating a rich and authentic exchange requires an

honest and consistent investment of time, energy and, most

of all, oneself.

Some people proudly wear the title of spouse, parent,

partner or friend, but they are not actually experiencing what

those roles could offer.

Grammatically speaking, they may have mastered the noun,

but have omitted the verb. And, in the words of Mother Teresa,

“Love is an action.”

Jill Hewlett 77

In today’s society, rife as it is with responsibility and

commitment, it is easy to feel perpetually busy and often

overwhelmed. Time for simply being inevitably takes a back-

seat to a raft of other priorities. Many of us are at risk of

overlooking the irreplaceable value of just hanging out with

those we care about, not making any specific plans and sim-

ply letting things unfold naturally.

Our society seems to have become accustomed to always

having to do more. This living-in-the-fast-lane mentality, and

the fragmentation from our wholeness and community that

comes as a result, is becoming the norm. Nevertheless, this is

not an acceptable standard or healthy way of life for anyone.

The best and most fun moments can’t be planned, forced or

contrived. We happen upon them when we are feeling comfort-

able, relaxed and unhurried. This allows us to be open in our

heart, and to each other.

When I join my daughter on the floor of her play area

without any expectations or time restraints on my part, I find

that she undergoes a dramatic behavioural shift. In this space,

smiles, laughter, jesting tackles and playful wrestling matches

inevitably occur, just because we allow them to. That kind of

contact is craved by us all; it’s soul food that nourishes us on

every level.

To win the affection of young children is not an easy feat

for an overthinking, overdoing adult. But it’s a priceless gift

when we’re able to pull it off, and move into the sacred space

of a child where real connections are allowed to happen. If

we are to strive for anything, then let this be our goal.

In many instances today, children are over-scheduled.

Between school and a multitude of extracurricular activities,

they are missing the time to experience the foundation of


family and community in simple, daily, routine togetherness.

It would be good medicine to remind ourselves and teach

our children that life isn’t a solo race to the finish. So much

can happen just by our willingness to show up and share the

bountiful resources already at our fingertips, as we are, right

now, together.

We can’t give what we don’t have. We also must ensure that

our own cup is full, before we can genuinely and effectively

share from it. Face time with one another is necessary; it starts

with face time with ourselves.

So look in the mirror, deep into the eyes of your soul, and

ask yourself what would replenish your well. Then do it.

When you’re done, invite those souls who are special to your

life over for no particular reason or agenda. And let the

moments unfold.

79

Speak Easy

Communication, of both the spoken and unspoken variety,

is the basis of all of our interactions.

The quality of our communication experiences as both

speaker and listener will ultimately affect the enjoyment

and success of our relationships with others, ourselves and

the world around us.

Relayed and received through energy levels, body lan-

guage, words, tones and pauses, we convey and receive far

more than information; we share ourselves.

From this perspective, communication can greatly benefit

or hinder our quality of life.

There are countless programs, training courses and read-

ing materials available today to enhance our communication

skills, style and awareness.

According to Sue Patton Thoele, the well-respected author

of The Courage to Be Yourself, “deep listening is miraculous

for both the listener and the speaker. When someone receives

us with open-hearted, non-judging, intensely interested lis-

tening, our spirits expand.”

How miraculous that the simple act of conversation can

create an alchemy of growth, understanding and transforma-

tion that would not otherwise be available to us?


I remember it said that, “the single biggest problem in

communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”

Simply because words are exchanged, this does not mean

that true communication has occurred. How often do we

capitalize on this glorious opportunity to connect and grow

through the many thousands of words spoken and heard

each day? Perhaps not as much as we could.

So what does it take to speak and listen honestly, openly

and from the heart?

For many people, alcohol would be the best and most

appropriate answer!

How à propos that speakeasies were places for the ille-

gal consumption of alcohol during the prohibition in the

United States. How necessary is it then that we as a society

have tools and skills to support our opening up beyond the

use of quick-fix liquid courage.

As a youngster, public speaking was one of my greatest

fears. I would purposely be “sick” on the days that I was sched-

uled to present a project to my class.

Inevitably, the presentation schedule would change and

it would be my turn when I returned. Once in front of the

class, I would turn white, shake like a leaf and begin to stam-

mer in search of coherent words. Feeling sorry for me, the

teacher would cut it short.

Studies show that most people would rather die than speak

in public. Evidently, I’m not the only person who has felt the

terror of stage fright.

Ironically, a large part of my professional life involves

public speaking in forums ranging from large conferences to

live television Over time, I gradually overcame this fear. How-

ever, I didn’t have the tools, understanding or perspective

Jill Hewlett 81

to get me through it when I was young.

Today, gatherings such as facilitated speaking circles are

becoming popular. People are consciously and proactively

looking for safe, inclusive places to reveal themselves, share,

listen and connect with like-minded individuals.

This is not a new concept. In the 1970s, my parents attended

a Dale Carnegie workshop series for personal growth and

interest where an emphasis on developing public speaking

skills reigned supreme. My mother, who is quite timid when

it comes to talking publicly, would normally have suffered

through the process. This time, however, that was not the

case, and not just because the instructor was especially fond

of her. It was because the program was designed to create a

safe and welcoming environment for people to share famil-

iar stories about themselves and listen without distraction.

Communication is a two-way street. It is a dance that requires

trust, co-operation, rhythm and connection.

In the process of communicating, we are, in fact, depos-

iting part of our self in another. The listener learns about the

speaker, the speaker learns about the listener and everyone

magically learns more about themselves.

As with dance, practice and experience provide the oppor-

tunity to delve more deeply into advanced and mature models

of communication in which we can all flourish.

82

Space to Bloom

For most people, daily life teems with an abundance of swirl-

ing words, actions, exchanges and sensory stimuli. When

they’re ignored or unprocessed, they energetically accumu-

late and absorb the mental, emotional and physical space

that human beings require to interact in meaningful and

authentic ways.

Just like junk mail builds up in our virtual trash bins when

we forget to purge them, so too do daily life experiences —

both positive and negative. Absent acts of elimination and

processing, they become energetically stuck in our cells,

tissues and muscles.

I attended a course recently in which we were taught how to

clear out this accumulated clutter in a simple and effective way.

We learned a process called “focusing,” wherein we directed

our undivided awareness on the energetic repository of life

experiences held within us. These are those parts of our

lives that don’t typically get acknowledged or processed,

and might include our memories, stories and losses, along

with their related emotions (think sadness, anger, surprise

and confusion).

There are many reasons to clear this U-Haul of baggage

from our lives.

Jill Hewlett 83

Besides being unhealthy and impeding our immune sys-

tem, a build-up of energetic, emotional and mental residue

can trip us up when we least expect it!

We all have repressed stories and buried emotions alive

that will remain on the pause button. Their looming pres-

ence may cause us to react strongly or inappropriately to

other people and our surroundings.What’s more, we may

feel frustrated or guilty about our employment of less-than-

loving thoughts, words or actions in situation that really didn’t

warrant them at all.

The simple act of being present to our felt senses allows us

to integrate incomplete stories and experiences stored within

us. When we do, we liberate ourselves, and magically become

more present, clear and energized in our approaches to personal

and professional endeavours.

To foster awareness of the subtle energy fields that sur-

round us and the people near us, and to show how sensitive

and affected by energy we all are, we began the Focusing

course with a demonstration called the Approach Exercise.

For this, we stood 20 to 30 paces from a partner. One person

would remain stationary, while the other would gradually walk

toward them. The stationary person would direct the advanc-

ing person’s speed, and ask them to pause or stop at will.

Before partaking in the activity, many may have thought,

“What’s the big deal? We’re just going to walk toward some-

one.” But we all quickly came to realize that the energy that’s

present when we approach someone or when someone enters

our space is as powerful as it is subtle. And it’s so without

any further interaction at all.

Animals instinctually respond to these energy fields all the

time, as this is how they navigate their existence. As humans,


we are affected by the same forces, but are likely to ignore both

the information they contain, and the impact they render.

Some individuals were moved to tears during the activity,

as they allowed the warmth and presence of the other per-

son slowly walking toward them to touch them. This simple

act felt sacred, purposeful and heartfelt.

Evidently, the mere presence of someone impacts us

physiologically, whether or not we’re aware of it. When you

consider the multitude of exchanges and interactions in

which each one of us engages on a daily basis, some con-

siderably more complex in nature than the one tackled in

our exercise, you realize that there’s actually an awful lot

going on.

Recently, my dear aunt had a stroke. She is currently hos-

pitalized, unable to move one side of her body, incapable of

speech. It is hard for us to decipher how much she really

understands when we talk to her.

How do family members deal with their own unexpected

shock and grief and yet still be present to make the right

decisions that will best support their loved ones?

If we also have residual grief, frustrations, disappoint-

ments and fears that have yet to be processed, there is only

so much space left to deal with any new information and

experiences that arrive. And the scene is even more over-

whelming when the new information is intense in nature.

Thankfully, but stressfully, our adrenalin kicks in on these

occasions to keep us going. Operating on autopilot, we do

what’s needed to be done, but it is likely not an optimal heal-

ing space for us. In the end, we actually add to the well of

unresolved energy and emotions, and pave the way for even

greater imbalance and toxic overload.

Jill Hewlett 85

How does one create the openness and spaciousness to live

a sacred, purposeful and heartfelt life, and still be able to treat

others in that fashion as well, regardless of the circumstances?

Could the act of noticing and nurturing our felt senses

be enough to process, release and create space for more life

to enter?

When we tap into our spiritual nature, it is easy for us.

Unfortunately, a lot of the time, we miss what is right inside

of us and end up learning the hard way through trial and

error. If we were to listen and pause more regularly, and to

polish our ability to focus on the present, we, as a society,

would be much better for it. This is something I genuinely

believe we can do.

86

Self or Other?

Years ago, I travelled to Europe on a trip with my high school.

The main country we visited was Germany, along with a few

days spent in France and Switzerland.

I have many fond memories of this adventure. In particu-

lar, my most memorable time was spent in the Black Forest,

and the bordering Swiss-German towns that are home to

countless watch boutiques and cuckoo clock stores.

Intending to be funny, classmates and I started a joke of

entering these shops, looking around for a few moments, and

then candidly asking, as if we didn’t notice all of the watches

and clocks surrounding us, “Would anyone have the time?”

This amused us to no end.

In the process of being silly and hopefully not being

annoying tourists, we learned a lot. We had noticed that the

pendulums of all the cuckoo clocks chimed in tick-tock

unison. With hundreds of clocks hanging on the walls, they

couldn’t have all been intentionally orchestrated to keep the

same time. So we asked the shopkeeper how this phenom-

enon might be explained.

The answer was simple. The clocks didn’t start in this

unified rhythm; however, it was inevitable that such close

proximity would prompt them to gradually synchronize.

Jill Hewlett 87

This profound and universal piece of information that

seemed so symbolic of our human nature amazed me at the

time, and has stayed with me all these years later.

As social beings, we innately look for community, connec-

tion and closeness. Through means such as language, lifestyle,

philosophy, religion and other interests, we search for common

ground. This serves to nurture our well-being, and brings us

comfort and peace.

You’ve noticed that when two or more people are gath-

ered, breathing, movements and sound begin to find balance,

rhythm and rapport. If they don’t, those individuals, rela-

tionships and organizations usually don’t stay together long.

If you are female, you likely know that women who spend

time together experience “synchronous menstruation.”

This is an amazing phenomenon first described in 1971 by

researcher Martha McClintock. It was shown that mothers,

sisters and daughters who live together, and sometimes

women who simply work together, experience the synchro-

nization of their menstrual cycles.

Being a part of something bigger than ourselves is such

a strong and inherent drive that many can easily get lost or

absorbed in relationships, groups and pastimes that aren’t

necessarily healthy or appropriate for them. Teenagers who

aren’t grounded or confident in themselves may be more

likely to get swept up with the wrong crowd or activities that

are detrimental to them.

Another relevant example of that is the millions of

woman on the planet who have forgotten to fill their wells

first, being so focused on giving of themselves to others, and

have therefore depleted their wellspring of essential life

energy.


Clearly, we are biologically wired with an intrinsic drive

for connection and service. So, the question remains: Where

do the individual and individuality fit in? How does a per-

son stand out, be unique, have her personal needs, interests

and desires met, while at the same time fulfill her biological

drive to be part of the whole?

Personally, I’ve spent years feeling challenged to find the

answer to this question.

Of course, much of our learning and development of self

comes from our interactions with others, so it’s only natural

to be pulled into the rhythms of one’s family, children and

partner. However, fostering regular opportunities for self-

care and quiet time alone in today’s busy world where there

is so much else to do is an important activity. It is, after all,

the only way to cultivate balance and build a strong sense

of our individuality, which is the cornerstone of all other

connections.

Ultimately, when we are connected with ourselves, we have

a better sense of what will benefit, enhance and nourish us, as

well as those around us. The individual becomes stronger, and

so does the community in which she exists.

As we were told, the cuckoo clocks gradually synchronized

their operations because of their physical proximity. If they

were in separate rooms or buildings, the common beat would

not have been found. Along the same vein, we can appreciate

that, if we want to cultivate solid relationships with others,

we need to invest ourselves, our time and our energy in the

same space, with others.

By looking at the actual swinging of the clock’s pendulum,

and the motion that keeps it incessantly beating, we realize

the call for further insight. It shows the oscillation between

Jill Hewlett 89

self and other, action and inaction, going out and going in.

Most importantly, it offers the opportunity to discover the

healthy and balanced space in between it all.

90

Intimacy Is Essential

As part of my research for the Body-Mind-Spirit on-location

TV interviews that I led, I attended a workshop at a large

health expo with the internationally celebrated doctor and

clown, Patch Adams. Patch began his workshop presentation

by asking all of the participants to find a partner and spend

the next 15 minutes hugging that person. At first, everyone

thought he was joking.

He wasn’t! Patch’s experience as a medical doctor, clown

and social activist who has devoted over 40 years to changing

America’s health-care system has proven to him that, along

with humour, intimacy is absolutely essential to our health

and well-being. The impact in the room was palpable. Many

people, complete strangers, were ultimately moved to tears

by the profound experience.

Patch shared with us that, on many occasions, he has

held sick patients in his arms for 12 straight hours, because

comfort and touch were the medicine they most needed.

None of his initial client visits are fewer than four hours

in duration. Why? Because he believes that the only way to

assist people in their healing is to really get to know and

understand them. By taking the time to truly connect, the

doctor encourages patients to respond to healing naturally,

Jill Hewlett 91

without the need for conventional treatment or drugs.

During house calls, this unorthodox physician looks through

a patient’s every drawer and closet, leaving no stone unturned

in his pursuit of intimacy. The difficult or uncomfortable

questions that someone may be avoiding are precisely the

ones he asks. He doesn’t believe in potions, pills or anything

else that could mask the truth because underneath all dis-

eases are core issues he feels powerfully can be significantly

improved when a person feels loved, embraced and held in

enough community to be seen for who he or she really is.

Close and frequent human contact is nutrition for our heart

and soul. Recently, I heard that we need four hugs a day for

survival, eight for maintenance and 12 to thrive. How many

hugs have you given or received today?

Growing up, I remember asking for and initiating hugs

from my parents a lot. I still do. As a youngster, I did it because

I felt the urge; as an adult, I understand that it’s an innate

hunger in all of us that doesn’t necessarily get fed unless we

take action, and are willing to receive.

Those of us who are “touchy-feely” types are not abnor-

mally needy; we are just connected with our humanness

and — one of the greatest gifts of being alive — our need for

physical contact.

How often do we, in the hurry of life, put these natural

needs and hungers aside only to fill ourselves with more

“comfort” food, because our soul is starving, and we are touch

deprived? Babies innately know what they need to grow and

flourish. That’s why they prefer to be picked up and held close

so often. As adults, we may forget this.

Our modern-day society has fabricated artificial equip-

ment and self-soothing toys so parents can keep busy with


other things and don’t need to be as hands-on as they might

otherwise. Even our colleagues and friends we replace with

technology. But this is all interfering with the bonding and con-

nection time that is foundational to our health and wellness.

In the spirit of intimacy, health and life, let us consider that

a hug may indeed replace a pill, and time with our loved ones

may ultimately replace time sitting in the waiting room of the

doctor’s office.

How would your time best be spent?

93

You Inspire Me

I recently attended a presentation which focused on the

healing power of personalized, relevant affirmations.

Affirmations are positive statements that begin with “I

am” to make them personalized. They use words that move

and inspire us and that are, ideally, relevant, meaning that

they relate to the next appropriate step in our growth.

Examples of this are “I am peaceful,” “I am joyful” and “I

am healthy.”

The presenter led us through various activities in order

that we might experience the benefits of, first, creating and

aligning with our own affirmations, and then expressing them

in a group setting so we could be validated by others.

Although we may forget it, being regularly affirmed for

the person we are and the path on which we’re travelling is

vital to our health and well-being. The encouragement and

corroboration of others often act as the precursor to building

our own self-esteem and confidence.

I know for myself, the value of having family, friends and

colleagues who appreciate the person I am and the work I’m

doing is tremendous. It helps shape and ground my confidence

and my service to the community.


In school, I typically earned my lowest mark in art class.

I actually remember in senior public school, the only parent-

teacher meeting my parents scheduled was with my art teacher,

because the low grade was affecting the rest of my average!

For many years after that, I stayed clear of art-type activ-

ities. Gradually, however, thanks to my personal wellness

journey, my creative spirit started to emerge and I casually

began “playing” with different art forms, exploring what

intuitively wanted to come forth.

Eventually, during pregnancy and early postpartum, art

became an essential outlet for me. It was a lot of fun, and I

was pleased with the outcomes, so I decided to frame them

to uplift our home environment.

When friends and family came to visit they would com-

ment on the aesthetics so positively, saying how much they

loved the energy and design, and that I should seriously

consider including these art pieces in my business offerings

so others would have access to these creations.

Initially, all I could do was smile and half-receive the

compliment. I had been disconnected from my inner artist

for so many years that the idea of having something of value

to offer others in this area was unfathomable.

Finally, after a few years of being prompted, encouraged

and receiving requests for commissions, I actually began to

realize that perhaps this “art of the heart” needed to be shared

with others, beyond the walls of our home. Thus, HeartArt

was born! The many people who validated me were essential

midwives in this creative project and in the joyful emergence

of my creative spirit.

This reminds me of a beautiful old village story.

Jill Hewlett 95

The women of a particular tribe would gather around each

expectant mother to tune into the vibration of the child’s soul,

bringing forth its unique sound through song. They would

then teach the melody to the rest of the community so that,

when the baby arrived, they would greet him or her by singing

this unique song!

Going forward, the women would sing this tune to the child

during special occasions and rites of passage. And there was

one rare but important time when the child would need to

hear their song: When they did wrong or committed an injus-

tice, they were brought to the centre of the community and

their song was sung to them to remind them of who they

really were.

The closest experience I’ve had to that type of collective

community reflection was in that affirmation presentation

when we went around the circle and each individual stated

her personal affirmation out loud, for the rest of the group

to hear. Afterwards, the group of 30 or more women, in uni-

son, echoed each person’s affirmation back to her, with clarity

and praise! Having others hold space, witness and recipro-

cate like this lent our personal affirmations such energy,

power and meaning.

Our presenter also shared that in longer retreat settings,

when people become more familiar with one another, they

perform what’s called, an “affirmation bath.” Here, each par-

ticipant gets a chance to be encircled by the others who will

simultaneously affirm them with statements like, “You are

beautiful,” “You have a great sense of purpose,” “You are loved,”

“You are deserving,” “You make the world a better place,” “You

inspire us” and so on.


The ego or subconscious of the person in the centre couldn’t

block or defend against these positive statements, as they

were being delivered by a multitude of people using a mul-

titude of words and tones, all at once. The person, thus

singled out, became quite soaked in the positive energy of

affirmations.

It takes courage, vulnerability and openness to create

rituals like this.

As a part of fostering a healthy community spirit, I believe

that it’s our honour and duty to witness and acknowledge

one another. By doing so, we draw forth the best each of us

has to offer. Without it, our gifts remain dormant and we are

literally “out of service.”

So let’s all take a moment each day to recognize the bril-

liance, beauty and benevolence of those around us and, better

still, to communicate it. This is perhaps the greatest act of

service we can perform.

97

An Audacious Life

Audacity is the name of one of my favourite perfumes made

by a company called DEVI Essentials. I also have a particu-

lar fondness for this word, especially as I make a commitment

to live an audacious life.

Some terms that can be used to describe “audacity” include

daring, boldness, fearlessness, nerve, spunk and grit.

When it comes to living an authentic, energetic and pas-

sionate life, audacity, in my opinion, is not only important,

it’s essential.

At the ripe young age of five years old, my daughter is what

I consider to be highly audacious. She will speak her mind,

ask for what she wants, and freely believe in the importance

and beauty of her dreams. At times this gets her into trouble,

but for the most part it’s endearing, inspiring and contagious!

I hope I can help her preserve these natural inclinations

so that she will continue to live with this zest and fervour for

years to come. I think the best way for me to be able to do that

is to continue to learn and practise it myself.

When I was a child, I became somewhat disconnected from

my audacious spirit. “Spunky and full of grit” were not words

typically used to describe my outwardly quiet, serious and

pleasing nature. Deep down inside, however, qualities like


audacity lived within me. They were just covered up by dust

bunnies. Over the years, I have worked to remove the many

layers that had kept me from living in the belly of my unique

and passionate views. I have been able to ignite my fiery

nature and creative spirit and in the process, I must say, I feel

that I am becoming quite audacious!

So what does it means to live an audacious life?

Simply choosing to design one’s lifestyle, relationships and

career path according to one’s own heart’s desires, rather than

those dictated by family or societal conditioning, can be down-

right audacious!

To live a life that is reflective of one’s own personality and

nature, rather than the cookie-cutter model that most of us

have been offered, requires courage, boldness and strength.

Taking this path means being true to our own heart’s prompt-

ings; speaking our needs honestly and openly, with vulnera-

bility and directness; and caring about and cultivating what

“feels right,” even if it “looks different” from everyone else.

How does audacity get extinguished? Many of us were told

by our well-intending parents, teachers and other figureheads

never to question their words, actions or offerings, and to be

happy with what we had. In other words, “you get what you

get, and don’t get upset.”

Certainly there is considerable value in appreciating what

we have and what we are given. But at the same time, it’s not

in our best interest to fall into the limiting trap of believing

that what life has served us in a particular moment, through

such vessels as our parents, educators and colleagues, is our

only option.

Why believe that those things that we are given, told and

experiencing are all we can access, even if they don’t truly

Jill Hewlett 99

fuel or support us? Accepting such a fate can also lead us to

believe that what we are thinking, how we are feeling and

how we are behaving are also things over which we have no

control.

We have far more choice, inside and out, than we realize.

The Internet’s vast spectrum of available wisdom makes that

blatantly clear. It explains why paradigms, institutions and

relationships of all stripes are breaking down these days, as

people recognize their empowerment to make positive and

long-overdue changes to their lives. In order to assume that

power, we have to know and believe that we have choices and

that, above all, we are worthy of picking what resonates most

closely and dearly with us.

I once heard someone say, “Make sure you love your spouse

well, because if you don’t, someone else will.” For a spouse

who is not being treated well, this is good news! It can be

extremely empowering to know that, if something isn’t cur-

rently working, there are other options.

I am not suggesting that we throw away people or rela-

tionships like they are yesterday’s newspaper. I am saying,

however, that we don’t have to settle for something that doesn’t

feel healthy, supportive or true to our nature.

So how does someone live an audacious life? In my expe-

rience, we’re actually born with the capacity to do so. We’re

likely to lose some of it along the way, but maturation, an

increasing awareness of our options, and a commitment to

confront the fears and blocks that keep us from our authen-

ticity, will allow audacity to naturally reveal itself.

In the words of Anaïs Nin, “the day will come when the risk

to remain tight in a bud is more painful than the risk it takes

to blossom.”


So enjoy the blossoming of your audacious and authentic

self, as gritty, spunky and bold as it may be. It’s not only in

your best interest, but also in the best interest of the world

around you!

101

My Date with Tony

This past Sunday I made an impromptu decision to attend

the Toronto Jazz Festival’s closing concert, starring one of my

favourite singers, Tony Bennett.

It was an incredible, once-in-a-lifetime experience, on

many levels.

First of all, and perhaps most significantly, I went solo.

Secondly, and also key, I found out about the concert, and

made the spontaneous decision to attend, just three hours

before it started, leaving minimal time to take care of a slew

of logistics the resolution left in its wake.

But I did it. Yes, I took myself on a spontaneous (not-so-

cheap) date, and didn’t even think twice about it. I even dressed

to impress . . . myself!

Truly, it was a thrill to see and hear this legendary man

perform live, be in my own great company and put to use a

favourite summer dress that doesn’t seem to get worn enough.

How often do we avoid doing things because we didn’t

plan ahead or have anyone to go with?

Many people enjoy time to themselves in the quiet com-

fort of their own home. Often, though, they feel discouraged

at the thought of being single in public venues where it’s the

norm to be in a couple or group.


Beating to the rhythm of my own drum is something I con-

tinue to learn and practise, and although it can still make me

feel vulnerable and uncomfortable at times, I’ve found that the

payoff is enormous.

This past year, I’ve experienced some exceptional per-

sonal growth by adopting some of the adventurous habits in

which I typically engage only when I’m traveling in foreign

countries: living in the moment, responding with curiosity

and taking risks.

Backpacking through Europe and Asia provided me with

some of the most enlightening and educational experiences

of my life. While I frequently met and shared time with locals

and other travelers, for the most part, I did my own thing.

On the road, it felt natural and appropriate to live with a

sense of discovery, according to my own interests and rhythms,

from moment to moment, and not feel the pressure to have

someone else share the scene with me.

This isn’t to negate the spectacular memories I co-created

with all of the wonderful people I met along the way. It’s sim-

ply to show that another person isn’t a mandatory requirement

for my own enjoyment or participation.

So this year, I’ve adopted a traveler’s attitude in my own

city. It has me enjoying places and experiences I wouldn’t

otherwise have.

A few months ago, I took myself out on a date, and I went

salsa dancing. I’d been longing for more movement in my life,

and dance is a wonderful way to address that shortcoming.

On the particular day when I felt the urge so strongly that I

knew I must answer the call, I telephoned a number of friends

to find someone to join me, but no one was available. The

choice became to stay in or to go by myself. I am so happy

Jill Hewlett 103

that the latter option won out! It was a fun and memorable

experience that I would have missed if I’d waited for some-

one to come along.

While I was at the Tony Bennett concert, I certainly wasn’t

alone. After all, there were thousands of other fans in my

company. We all came to the concert for the same reason: to

listen to and celebrate a musical icon, widely considered one

of the best singers of the past two centuries. His contribution

to the world goes far beyond the 50 million records sold.

It was a phenomenal performance that elicited close to a

dozen standing ovations. I was my own date at the event, yet

I was part of a group dynamic that laughed, cried and was

moved by a man who has genuinely mastered the art of enter-

tainment. We were the thankful recipients, riveted and inspired

by the skill, grace and vitality that people half this octogenar-

ian’s age couldn’t match.

I arrived alone, but left feeling part of an entire audience

that was uplifted and transformed.

Sometimes when we go to events with another person we

are partially engaged with them, so our attention is diverted

or divided, and we’re not available to receive all the gifts

on offer.

Once again, this isn’t to negate the concept of having a

date. Indeed, I very much enjoyed noticing the many couples

hand-in-hand, sharing a romantic night out. It’s simply to say

that there are also benefits to doing your own thing. More

importantly, if there is something that you want to do, and

you don’t have a companion or your partner doesn’t share

the same interest, this doesn’t mean that you can’t go.

By going solo, I had the opportunity to channel my focus

on my personal experience of the concert. Being the gracious


and giving performer that Tony Bennett is, I felt like he was

singing just for me. I’m sure many people there felt they alone

were being serenaded; however, that impression was height-

ened for me because I was there by myself, and it was like

he was my date! Yes, in many ways, Tony Bennett was my

date that warm summer evening.

105

The Language of Love

According to Dr. Gary Chapman, the international best-selling

author of The Five Love Languages, each person on the planet

has a specific way of expressing and interpreting love.

Although there are countless ways to show and receive

love, these five categories have proven to be universal and

comprehensive, worldwide. They are; Physical Touch, Acts

of Service, Receiving Gifts, Words of Affirmation and Quality

Time. Depending on the person, the inventory’s hierarchy of

importance will vary.

As people discover and support their own primary Love

Language, and those of their partner and the people in their

immediate lives, the relationships will magically transform

for the better.

Moreover, there is only so long that a person’s Love Tank

can run on empty. When her primary Love Language is ignored

or under-stimulated, heartache and disparity inevitably occur.

I had heard of this book many times, and finally made an

effort to read it. I’m so happy I did! Simply, yet profoundly,

Dr. Chapman reveals information that’s fundamental to all

levels of relating. As well, he explores the nature of our own

innate sense of awareness about ourselves and others, which

kicks in when we take the time to tune in and listen.


When we operate from this place of awareness, wisdom

and action, we become empowered and, in turn, can positively

influence our lives and the relationships in them.

Before reading the book and taking the Love Language

Test, I thought for sure that my primary Love Language would

be Quality Time. In fact, I wrote a chapter titled, Face Time,

which speaks to our essential need to spend time with those

close to us, and not to merely think about it or put it on a

to-do list.

While Quality Time is certainly important to me, it turns

out that it’s not my first, second or even third Love Language

priority. In fact, there are other essential ingredients that are

more important to me than Quality Time.

This information was groundbreaking in furthering my

understanding of self, how I relate to others, what makes me

tick and what makes me love-sick!

With this knowledge, I can better meet my own personal

needs, and authentically ask for and create situations that

support and nourish me.

Considering those closest to me, I can easily understand

how everyone has their own Love Code, but cracking it is

unique to each individual. The funny thing is that it’s not hard

to speak someone’s Love Language; trickier is actually put-

ting it into action. Unless you know for sure what someone’s

personal preference is, you may be find yourself expending

a lot of effort to show your love without it being received or

acknowledged. Talk about frustrating and disappointing!

Along with learning about the Love Languages of those

around us, it’s key that we understand our own. How can we

expect others to meet needs that we ourselves aren’t even

aware of?

Jill Hewlett 107

Of course, it may seem more romantic to have others speak

our Love Language without having to ask them explicitly. But

that’s fairy-tale mentality. Most people are very well inten-

tioned, but they’re busy and can’t read minds. Giving them

a heads up will not only be appreciated, but will help build

healthy communication skills. According to Dr. Chapman, a

higher number of individuals are attracted to those who speak

a different Love Language than their own than they are to

those who share the same.

Perhaps there’s a gift being offered in learning to speak

a second language — the Love Language of someone else. It’s

like becoming bilingual!

Discovering our own Love Language requires us to delve

beneath the many layers of conditioned beliefs and assump-

tions regarding love that we began accumulating at a young

age, so we can uncover our own truth and needs. Of course,

Dr. Chapman’s Love Test will help clarify things, too.

Looking back, I can understand why I thought Quality Time

was my first language. Not because it’s my mother’s — although

I see how we can be influenced by the Love Languages of those

closest to us. Rather because, for a period of my life, I was in

significant relationships with individuals who travelled a lot,

or lived part-time in foreign countries. In-person time was lim-

ited, so when we actually spent time together, it was very special

(not to mention crucial to the upholding of the relationship).

Although Quality Time does not necessarily mean quan-

tity time, I now realize that it’s likely I was able to sustain

long-distance relationships for the very fact that it isn’t my

primary Love Language.

It’s interesting to note that timing seems to play a signifi-

cant role in determining what Love Language will be a priority


for someone. For a mother with young children, running a

household and maintaining a job, even if it’s not typically her

first priority, receiving Acts of Service may quickly become

the Love Language that’s nearest and dearest to her heart —

at least until her children become older and more self-reliant.

When they do, this woman’s Love Language could well change

back to a more fundamental one that had taken a temporary

back seat.

When contemplating our preferred means of giving and

receiving love, there is clearly much to consider. But what

greater contemplation is there?

Love, fundamental to all life, is the powerful energy that

inspires, heals, uplifts and draws us together. When the proper

structures, channels and actions are in place, there’s no doubt

that love can and will grow and thrive.

So there is value in investing some time determining

which Love Language best describes you and those close to

you. By realizing that everyone “speaks” love in their own

ways, you may discover new avenues of communication with

your loved ones.

All of this may take a little time to investigate, but the gems

you’ll find in the process will be priceless and last for your

lifetime. To your full Love Tank!

109

Relationship Revolution

We are at a period of our stay on this planet when our under-

standing of relationships and how we relate to one another

is being challenged to evolve.

Many people are feeling confused, frustrated, in the midst

of chaos and overdue for change. My sense is that this is

leading to a timely personal and global transformation.

All relationships, whether they be undertaken at work

or in our families, whether they’re intimate or casual, are

sustained and developed through co-creative investments.

What we put into them largely determines what we get out

of them.

Recently, however, I heard a well-established architect

say that, during her years of study, one of her most impor-

tant lessons was taught to her by a professor who said, “Even

if the land looks great and a pretty payment is being offered, if

there is but one reason not to build, then don’t do it.” Draw-

ing from that perspective, it’s important to realize that what

we choose not to do can be the best gift we have to offer.

It was not so long ago that I was in a challenging rela-

tionship situation that ultimately changed my relationship

perspective for the better and, while it was tough, I am thank-

ful for the experience.


Though our intentions were good, both of us had other

priorities, needs and processes, and the time and energy

required to co-create a mutually satisfying relationship were

not at the forefront of either of our lives. And this was so

even though we were living together, and were co-parents of

a beautiful child and love was evident.

In hindsight, I now understand and embrace the tremen-

dous gifts our mutual lack of initiative in this area afforded.

It allowed (indeed, forced) me to go through an important

learning curve, one that I thought I’d already accomplished.

This included discovering a great deal more about self-love,

learning not to take things so personally, finding more ways

to fill my own well, embracing what is, expanding my knowl-

edge of what matters to me and setting boundaries.

Since romantic partnership has so much to offer, we can

easily convince ourselves that we are supposed to be in a

relationship. We then make our lives revolve around it, even

if it’s not working.

To genuinely connect with another, we need to be present

and committed to self first, in a healthy, balanced way. Only

with grounded roots and a centred core can meaningful relat-

ing ensue and endure. This kind of relationship brings forth the

joy of co-creativity, rather than stress-based co-dependency.

Speaking of being grounded and connected with self, my

partner’s ability to consistently honour his needs and pursue

his individual interests was impressive role-modelling for

me. Being a woman who comes from a lineage of females

who led lives of servitude and put themselves last, it was

important and astonishing for me to witness someone so

naturally listening to his own needs and understanding that

others would benefit from this, too.

Jill Hewlett 111

To clarify, I’m not suggesting that we need to be entirely

self-reliant before joining with an other. Sharing and learn-

ing from another person’s personality, strengths and life

experience allow a couple to grow, and for the individual par-

ties to achieve more with another than they would as solo acts.

At a fundamental level, however, we all crave and require

self-autonomy.

Until we have a certain degree of physical, emotional,

mental and spiritual growth under our belt, relative to what

we’ve come to the planet to learn, we may unconsciously

resent the person on whom we are so reliant.

We may experience an innate understanding that every

move this other person makes will affect us, and that the

partnership may be a distraction from some very important

soul-searching that we actually need to pursue on our own,

at that time on our journey.

I am a personal development trainer and coach who hosts

events and interviews people on topics like self-awareness,

self-care, self-expression, personal empowerment, balance

and health. As such, I am called on, on a daily basis, to do my

best to practise the fruits of these lessons in my own life, and

to share with others in their own unique processes.

What I’ve noticed is that, as humans, we are biologically

wired to nurture, create habitat and ensure safety; our off-

spring depend on it. Thus, our inborn intelligence continually

leads us to partnership — even if we aren’t ready or if it’s

not the right match — especially when there are children

involved. Perhaps the gifts of that particular joining are to

lovingly co-parent the blessed offspring, and hone a truly

meaningful friendship, but not necessarily live together or

get married.


Based on the number of divorces, separations, affairs and

people complaining about dissatisfaction in their relation-

ships, it’s no wonder that something is finally giving! As

always, looking to the self is the most effective place to start.

We may find that, as we commit to the process of genuinely

understanding who we are, we also can afford to be honest about

our truths and needs, appreciating that they matter, and can do

so without the fear of not getting approval or understanding.

Ultimately, we learn to be ourselves and then at that point

we can also be real about what genuinely exists between our

self and another. It’s the best place to start building, anyway.

113

In to Me See

According to a radio program I was listening to recently, there

seems to be an epidemic of women who are toting around

lists of unrealistic expectations, and men who aren’t making

the grade!

An interesting conversation ensued during this program

which explored the topic of whether women need a reality

check and should ease up on their demands, or whether men

need to evolve. The consensus was “yes,” to both.

My viewpoint is different, though. I don’t believe that deny-

ing lists or expecting evolution-on-demand will help us

achieve the intimacy and connection for which we yearn.

Growth is a natural process that happens according to

an individual’s timing and state of readiness. Unfortunately,

societal, parental and schooling expectations mean we have

spent many years under the influence of unnatural rhythms.

We don’t need any more imposed.

Rather than demanding that our partners become new and

improved versions of themselves, how about settling deeper

into who they are right now? In the comfort of this welcoming

space, perhaps something unexpected will be revealed.

There’s no doubt that some people reading this may be

afraid that this level of acceptance may lead to complacency,


mediocrity or just plain settling for what they don’t want.

Let me clarify. I am not suggesting that we put up with

bad treatment or abusive behaviour, or that we avoid com-

municating our needs. I am simply suggesting that, in an

arena of genuine acceptance, magic and transformation are

more likely to occur. This will either strengthen the relation-

ship connection in a way that wasn’t previously available, or

the truth that “we’re better off as friends” will be revealed.

The stress and busy nature of life can easily take us away

from our authentic selves, which causes us to act in ways that

are many steps removed from the people we are, and the

people we are capable of being.

When someone else is willing to pause and meet us where

we are, hidden treasures will emerge. Through these actions, we

are saying, “tell me more” rather than, “do it this way.”

If you want to test out this theory, spend some time with

children. Try forcing new behaviours on them, and then adopt

a policy of simply accepting them for who they are. See which

approach better elicits the brilliance and beauty of each of

those little people. I think the second will be valuable for

how much it reveals of who these souls are, rather than sim-

ply basing everything on your own limited idea of who they

should be.

In many cases, our authentic desires and interests were

denied to us at a young age. Instead of people and environ-

ments drawing us out by providing a safe environment in

which curiosity is encouraged, we existed in a barren place

where mistrust flourished. Indeed, the early repression of

these natural instincts has produced the inaccurate assump-

tion that, if left to our own devices, we’d do wrong, go astray

or harm someone, or that others simply wouldn’t care.

Jill Hewlett 115

In relation to our partnerships, of course, honouring and

communicating our personal needs from a clear and heart-

felt place are important, but learning to do so is an advanced

skill to develop. Most people would prefer to complain,

deny their longings or try to change the other person, rather

than openly express themselves and put their own needs on

the table.

In the fear that our needs won’t be met, we typically avoid

speaking up. However, bottled feelings will eventually leak out

in contaminated and toxic ways, inevitably pushing the very

things we want — connection and intimacy — away.

When a safe space for honest communication is created,

defensive armour falls away. Both parties can then be open

to the truth of what is here, right now, rather than an imagi-

nary or imposed version of it.

Of course, this takes openness, a willingness to see said

truth and a vulnerability for which not everyone is ready.

The great news is that you only need one of the two part-

ners to take the higher road for this change to begin. When one

partner shows up with a commitment to be true not only to

him- or herself but to you, nothing less than truth can emerge.

The results may show that the other person is not ready or

interested — or the complete opposite. In either event, isn’t

it better to know, and not just continue being disappointed

or badgering for change?

So how about courting this new and improved version of

intimacy, called “IN-TO-ME-SEE?”

With this philosophy, instead of trying to change the other

person, we put our time and energy into dropping our own

layers of denial and baggage. This may create the circum-

stances we need to feel safe enough to openly reveal the most


honest and authentic version of ourselves, complete with an

expression of our own needs and desires.

By doing your own work first, the other person enjoys the

opportunity to look closely into the real you, and to uncover

his reflection there or not. Either way, without taking this

journey, you cannot find or reclaim the most important and

rewarding relationship of all — the one with yourself.

117

Kings & Queens

Based on my life experience and my work with individual cli-

ents and groups, it has become evident to me that the degree

of joy and fulfillment that we derive from the relationships

in our lives is based on our own relationship with ourselves.

To create rewarding experiences with others — either inti-

mately, in friendship or between family members — the journey

of self is a prerequisite.

Many people bypass this crucial step, hoping to find a

connection outside of themselves that will bring the qualities

and state of being that only an inner journey can provide.

They then discover, to their confusion and dismay, that the

relationship experience leads only to pain, emptiness and

resentment.

In the words of well-known American journalist Sydney

J. Harris, “It’s surprising how many people go through life with-

out ever recognizing that their feelings toward others are largely

determined by their feelings toward themselves, and if you’re

not comfortable within yourself, you can’t be comfortable with

others.”

Relationships flourish according to what we put into them,

not what we take out of them. While a healthy relationship

will ultimately feed and nourish us in many ways, it is created,


maintained and enriched thanks to the contributions of the

parties involved.

When we do not feel safe, grounded or abundant within,

and enter a coupling to attain those qualities (rather than

offer them), the relationship can’t help but fall into deficit,

rife with unfulfilling and challenging experiences.

Just as a well-built house is able to keep its inhabitants

warm and safe when it has a solid foundation, is constructed

of the right materials and is well wired, individuals who are

centred and grounded within themselves are able to welcome

and join with others in healthy and nourishing ways.

My uncle, a man who is technically savvy and well-versed

in the electrical field, has contributed many hours of elec-

trical support to our family homes over the years. He says,

“like an electrical circuit that has both a positive and a neg-

ative to carry the current, and a ground to prevent shocks

when something goes wrong, people who are not ‘grounded

within themselves’ cannot safely enter into relationships

without the fear of exposing their thoughts, hopes, dreams,

fears and doubts. Those who are ‘grounded’ can be more trust-

ing and exposing of self, because they realize that, if something

should go wrong, they’ll be protected by their own self-

confidence and inner strength.”

This example shows the importance of understanding and

effectively managing one’s power. This can be a vital and life-

saving lesson, as meaningful to the anatomy of a building as

to our own personal temple.

Personal power comes in many forms. It can be developed

through knowing and owning our values, feeling safe and

comfortable in our skins, and having creative outlets and hob-

bies that enliven our spirits. Cultivating these aspects takes

Jill Hewlett 119

time, though; and they should not be rushed, denied or

considered shameful.

When we overstep this process, we are like the Princess

who wants to be treated like the Queen, but isn’t quite ready

for that role. More growth is required before that level of

grace can be achieved. The Prince wants to be treated like the

King, but has maturing to do before he’s empowered enough

to conduct his life with dignity and reign with honour.

Both the King and Queen archetypes represent that point

in personal development when we have “arrived.” That point

at which we are secure and solid within, have nothing in

particular to prove and nowhere to “get to.” Having moved

beyond self-gratification to co-creation, reaching this pinna-

cle means we are able to abundantly serve our kingdoms and

communities, providing value that will not only enrich our

own lives, but contribute significantly to the lives of others.

I keenly remember occasions during which I entered

situations with the status of a Princess rather than the empow-

erment of a Queen, hoping to achieve goals that were clearly

beyond my means. The results were nothing short of disap-

pointing. Looking back, however, I recognize that they could

not have been anything but. It was those “failures” and heart-

aches that pushed me to go deeper into my own growth and

inner discovery, and which ultimately contributed to my

personal empowerment.

Once we are established and grounded in our roots, we can

afford to expand the reach of our branches without the fear of

losing our balance, centre or sense of self.

In the process, we can share the fruits of our labour, which

include inner work and self-discovery, and experience our

relationships with a spirit of openness, generosity and love.


In this state, we have all the riches of the world. Our home

becomes a palace and our heart, a place of peace and warmth

for all. A toast to your sovereignty!

Mind /

123

Curiosity

Just the other day my daughter asked me an unexpected

question that led us to a wonderful, illuminating conversation.

My little five-year-old business tycoon was serious about

a rather grownup question. She sincerely wanted to know

how people get hired for jobs. When I was her age, this was

not a contemplation that came anywhere close to entering

my mind, and I was intrigued and impressed that this infor-

mation was apparently important to her.

It occurred to me that this might be because she has a

super keen entrepreneurial spirit thanks to the genes of her

family tree. Or perhaps I simply inspire her with the work I

do. Or, in another vein altogether, she has some plans to leave

home and find a place of her own!

Once I answered her question, I had to ask why she wanted

to know. Her reply was sincere, practical and inspired: “I want

to know because I’d like to get a job at the fair. If I get a job

at the fair, I’ll be able to go on the rides for free.” Ha! Yes, that

makes sense and is some brilliant thinking!

I’ve noticed that children ask the best questions. These

questions, however unexpected or seemingly out of place,

are relevant to these little people’s learning, needs and inter-

ests at any given time. Sometimes as parents or adults, we


don’t always have the time or answers our children seek, and

so unintentionally create an atmosphere in which curiosity

is not welcomed. This has major repercussions, in both the

immediate and longer terms.

When we allow children to freely ask their questions and

affirm their curiosity with a listening ear, we are allowing

them to guide their own learning and move in those directions

that their spirits are being called to. In the greatest sense, we

are encouraging them to engage with life and be themselves!

As the conversation ensued, my little girl began to ask me

questions about my work, such as why I picked this career

path and what steps I took to get into it. One question seemed

to flow into the next and I was flattered and enchanted by

her interest and desire to know more.

Questions are a wonderful gift to both the asker and the

answerer. Not only are they a way to get free, personal and

often useful information, they serve as incredible means for

building understanding and breeding connection between human

beings.

After many years of formal education filled with quizzes,

tests and exams, we are accustomed to being graded on our

knowledge. This faulty logic may lead us to think we need to

have all the answers and we stifle our questions for fear of

looking inadequate. From this place, we hold back, assume

and miss out on a world of treasures that’s awaiting our curi-

osity. This limits our creativity, productivity and opportunity

to evolve our life experience. Instead, we repeat the same

outdated patterns over and over.

Personally, I like talking about my interests and experi-

ences, and I can usually be quite charmed by a person who

shows a genuine interest in me and my endeavours. At the

Jill Hewlett 125

same time, I have a curious nature and I take great pleasure

in learning about other people and the places around me.

This has led to tons of travelling, both near and far, and to

meeting a plethora of eclectic and interesting people of all

ages that I wouldn’t otherwise have.

Over the many years of producing and hosting Wellness

TV, I derived great enjoyment from getting to know the guests

I interviewed. The more personal the questions I asked about

their lives and career paths, the richer the interview and the

greater the viewer response.

Just as it had been with the life coaching practice I ran

for over a decade, it was an honour and privilege to connect

with and support my clients in making healthy life changes.

The effectiveness of the session was measured by our abil-

ity to get to the root of their issues. As such, the questioning

process was the key to delving deeper and gaining clarity.

This is why, according to Eastern philosophy, the question

is more important than the answer. A well-timed question can

deliver answers that not only inform us, but transform us, as well.

Recently, in the course of a conversation with one of her

great aunts, my daughter announced, “I’m on a really large

learning curve right now.” This aunt, who happens to be a

retired schoolteacher, was delighted by the irony of the com-

ment. What five-year-old isn’t on a big learning curve? For

that matter, what person of any age isn’t? We all are.

The learning curve is a lifelong journey and the more

readily we embrace “not knowing” and “relearning” by being

open to new thoughts, ideas and approaches, the better we’ll

feel, the smarter we’ll become and the happier we’ll be!

Perhaps in this way, the spirit of learning can be consid-

ered synonymous with the concepts of being open, aware,


present, playful and curious. From this place, we can truly

grow into the people we are capable of becoming, and dis-

cover the best world we are capable of creating.

127

If You Didn’t Know

Imagine starting the New Year without any knowledge or

expectation of what your life should look like, or what others

expect of you.

Instead of setting goals to get somewhere or acquire some-

thing or accomplish a task, imagine you just let natural,

“feel-good” impulses be your guide.

What choices would you make? What places would you

frequent? With whom would you spend your time?

Without realizing it, we often set goals, plan strategies and

make decisions from a limited and unhealthy starting point.

The reasons for this are many, including trying to keep busy,

compensate for a sense of failure and, oftentimes, win the

approval of others.

There is so much effort in this, yet we do it anyway! We

aren’t accustomed to feeling acceptable as we are, and we don’t

fully believe that happiness can be our measure of success.

During the third grade, I was overweight compared to my

other classmates. It’s likely, however, that I wouldn’t have

even realized this physical distinction if it hadn’t been pointed

out to me by some of my peers.

Feeling hurt, inadequate and motivated to gain approval

and acceptance, I put myself on a diet and began exercising


daily — a significant commitment for an eight-year-old.

The benefit of that initiative was that I lost weight, grad-

ually became aware of my athletic ability and discovered that

I could accomplish goals.

The downside was that I became unduly attached to the

attention and approval of others. I also found motivation in

looking and performing a certain way. This unhealthy condi-

tioning exhausted my creative energy as I worked for a drawn-

out stretch of time to maintain this image.

I remember the day when I finally had had enough. I

decided that I wasn’t going to diet, deprive myself or exercise

for appearance’s sake any more as none of it was healthy

for me. Instead, I was going to develop a balanced relation-

ship with my body, and nourish myself with the sheer joy of

wellness, movement and self-care, regardless of what other

people thought.

From that day forward, I stopped weighing myself, as num-

bers no longer mattered. This marked a huge turning point

in my life and set a new standard for how I would approach

all of my goals to follow. I shifted my focus to being authen-

tic and true to my process, because it feels good to me. It hasn’t

always been easy to do; however, it’s something I continue

to practice each and every day.

What about you? From what place are your goals coming?

What would happen if you didn’t live under the stress of

other people’s opinions, pressure and social judgment? What

if you set goals that took into consideration your own natural

balance point, stride and very personal sense of creative

expression?

We have ongoing opportunities to clear the canvas of unhealthy

habits and motivations, and go forward with newly inspired

Jill Hewlett 129

action. Consider what you want and how you can make choices

based on your own expectations and needs — not those of

other people.

This may initially slow down your goal-setting process

as introspection is necessary to allow our inner values and

needs to emerge. But in the long run, it will be far more

rewarding to follow your own spirit, not that of someone else

and the life you create with be an authentic representation

of the one and only you.

130

You Can Run

A couple of weeks ago I was having a phone conversation with

a friend. I was sharing a somewhat uncomfortable “theme”

that was occurring in certain areas of my life.

Although the issue in question wasn’t immobilizing, it was

uncomfortable and distracting, and I couldn’t figure it out. As

I continued to impart the details, outlining one after another

scenario that troubled me, I “noticed” that the common denom-

inator in all of these situations was, in fact . . . ME!

When I recognized this, my body began to quiver and I had

to put the phone down. Waves of energy and emotion began

to move through me. It felt as if denial was being dislodged

from my cellular memory and the doorway to a more expan-

sive, honest and clear place was desperate to be forged open.

The experience lasted about three minutes, and then it

was done. Afterwards, I felt refreshed, like I had just taken a

shower, and all my cells were smiling!

This isn’t the first time this has happened to me, and over

the years I’ve had the privilege of witnessing and supporting

others through very similar experiences. I call it soul midwifery.

With this highly satisfying revelation, the situations that

earlier had been so uncomfortable and confusing are trans-

formed into something miniscule in comparison to a new,

Jill Hewlett 131

enlarged state of being. Instead of being a victim to the per-

ceived problems, I could now be the change, and literally get

out of my own way to allow new perspectives and creative

juices to flow.

Those who have attended one of my workshops have prob-

ably heard me share the acronym for DENIAL: “Don’t Even

Notice I Am Lying.”

Shifting from denial to truth with regards to ourselves,

others and our life circumstances is the essential first step

to making significant and lasting changes in our lives.

Simple, open and honest observation, regardless of the

presence of a solution, has an extraordinary impact on our

lives. It gives us the awareness that is the precursor to all

subsequent change.

Recognition is a QUANTUM LEAP out of the shadows of

self-deceit and the start of the creation of a genuine relation-

ship with ourselves and our lives.

It seems as though we’ve reached a tipping point in our

evolution, with many people courageously challenging their

belief systems, making healthier choices and becoming the

change.

A quote I recently read said, “I’d rather run naked than

wear the clothes the world has made for me.” That really

struck me. Apart from the image of all of us running around

in the nude (which was kind of funny), I enjoy the beauti-

ful way it speaks to our longing to unmask and disrobe from

the costumes others have made for us; disguises that we

bought into.

Learning the distinction between who we really are and the

identity we’ve squeezed ourselves into to please others or be

accepted, is a top priority for many now.


Birthing ourselves from denial into truth can be frighten-

ing. Leaving behind an illusionary sense of security derived

from a fear, to the authority of our authentic voice, is huge.

But just as it takes fewer facial muscles to smile than it

does to frown, it takes more effort to stay in the dark than it

does to welcome the light.

Years ago, bestselling author and speaker Marianne

Williamson told a story at one of her lectures about asking

her young daughter who her favourite singer was. Her daugh-

ter had given the most wonderful reply, “I am. I am my most

favourite singer!” I find that most inspiring.

In the words of Williamson, “Our deepest fear is not that

we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful

beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most

frightens us. We ask ourselves: Who am I to be brilliant, gor-

geous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to

be . . . . As we allow our light to shine, we unconsciously give

other people permission to do the same.”

The individual cry for personal awakening has now become

a collective voice and the sound is more powerful than ever.

133

The Next Step

Life transitions, such as starting a new career, moving to a

new city or leaving an outdated relationship, can be exciting,

but overwhelming and mysteriously daunting at the same

time, even though we may know it’s for the best.

Unencumbered by a reality that no longer serves us and

ready to stretch our horizons, we are like pioneers, full of

hope, earnest, and poised to set sail and greet a new reality.

Embarking on a new phase of life awakens our imagi-

nation, enlivens our dreams and gets our creative juices

pumping.

So how do we keep the excitement alive while we methodi-

cally take the mundane and sometimes scary next steps needed

to carry us through the process of change, and deliver us to our

new destination?

We’ve all heard that change is a process, and that patience

is a virtue. I don’t know about you, but harnessing that vir-

tue is something I’m still working on and, well, it’s taking

too long!

Unless we embrace the process, breathe into each step

and dispense with any expectation of doing it all in one giant

leap, confusion and a sense of being overwhelmed will surely

set in.


Having a vision of where we’d like to go is vital. Even more

essential is the ability to live in the present, and to take each

moment as it comes.

When we get ahead of ourselves, we immobilize our energy

and block the very creative fuel needed to accomplish our

goals. In this state, we tend to get so far ahead of ourselves

on a mental level that physical action ceases.

As you’ve probably noticed in your own life, it’s one thing

to envision goals; it’s quite another to see them through.

More than creatures of habit, we are creatures of process.

It’s something that today’s world doesn’t necessarily instil,

when technology allows us to do so much at one time, so

quickly. Think on-line banking, dating, shopping.

The Last Child in the Forest is a book that comes highly

recommended. One of the concepts in it is delayed gratifica-

tion. Rather than giving a toy or a treat to a child immediately

on every request, the author implores us to work with the

child in being able to build patience and anticipation — to

enjoy the journey, not just the destination. This is something

that would be good for us adults to practise, as well.

When we skip the process, we are missing the most vital,

empowering and useful move we can make: THE NEXT STEP.

Each step prepares us for the next, laying down the foundation

upon which we will build our dreams.

Oftentimes, we humans tend to speed up and rush to

finish. This can be due to a variety of reasons, including inse-

curity, disconnection with self and discomfort with our fears.

Many questions arise throughout the process, such as: Can

I do it? Am I enough? What will others think? So we tend to

hurry just to get through it.

Jill Hewlett 135

I was having a conversation recently with a person whose

insights on life I greatly respect. Drawing from years of coun-

selling people through healing, growth and life transitions,

he made the observation that, “the only step we can take . . .

is the next one, yet too often people get ahead of themselves,

and that’s where they get themselves into trouble.”

Tried, tested and true, the universal law states that we

are always ready for the next step. Perhaps not the second

or the third, but for the next one, we are enough.When we

tune in and listen, the next step is usually quite obvious. To

the Body it will feel comfortable, to the Heart it will feel

welcome and to the Mind it will be clear.

136

Lens of Truth

I had a brief yet significant chat with an elderly man at lunch

yesterday. He was sitting at the table beside me and we struck

up conversation quite naturally.

For some reason, he started by asking if I was an “activ-

ist.” I thought it was a funny and interesting question, and

never did find out why he asked that. It did, however, lead to

a timely and helpful exchange.

When I said no, his response was, “Good, because there’s no

sense getting worked up about anything that isn’t that impor-

tant. And there certainly isn’t anything very important anyway!”

I heard and understood what he meant. Although I agree

from a place of deeper knowing that this is true in the sense

that we often dramatize or fret over things that are quite

insignificant in the vast picture of life, I also believe that it’s

a process of age and maturation to really “get it.”

He then took out a quarter and held it in front of him.

“When you look at this from the side you are sitting on, you

just see a straight line,” he said, “but when I look at it from

my point of view, I see a round, flat surface. It’s still the same

quarter, but we’d describe it differently. If we spent time

arguing or trying to prove ourselves right, we’d both be wrong!

The wisest of all knows nothing at all.”

Jill Hewlett 137

The timeliness of meeting this wise old man, and our con-

versation together inspired me to play a rather enlightening

and quite humbling game called, “What if I wasn’t right?” Or

the version that’s a little easier to swallow, “What’s another

valid perspective on this?” Even while feeling some reluc-

tance to play it full-out, I found that my dabbling with it

revealed valuable and healing shifts.

Depending on the side of the mountain on which we’re

standing, the distance our moccasins have travelled and the

influences we’ve had along the way, our perspective will be

reflective.

The same holds true for whether we’re looking at a situ-

ation from our head and the scrutiny of judgement, or from

our heart and the gentleness of compassion.

At the end of the day, how can we know what is absolutely

true, how things “should” be or how another ought to behave?

So why is it so hard for us to entertain another perspective

or see through the lens of truth?

Personally, I’ve been concerned at times with opening up

to a new perspective and, in so doing, losing connection with

the values and needs I’ve come to realize are important to me

and uniquely mine.

At a young age, many of us handed over a lot of our decid-

ing power to our parents, teachers and other adults in our

community, such as peers and older siblings. As such, when

we are old enough to decide for ourselves or embark on a

journey of discovering what is true for ourselves, it’s difficult

to give that personal authority up. It doesn’t seem fair.

But maybe we don’t have to. Maybe we can just be willing

to incorporate new perspectives into our own, and let our

horizons expand. This will ultimately give rise to a far more


creative, inclusive and resourceful life. Sounds enticing to me!

From this approach, you will likely be infused with beau-

tiful life experiences and the companionship of people who

open doors behind which all manner of new opportunities

await you.

139

Wish List

We can’t ask for what we want unless we know what we want!

I was recently given a swift kick in the butt by my dear

friend who is an amazingly sought-after life coach. He has

helped many people make timely, healthy and empowering

life choices and is very gifted at the work he does. As for my

butt, because the man is a dear friend and gifted in his field,

he had my utmost permission to do what was required (not

to mention, I knew I needed it).

For many months I had been living in significant discom-

fort because I was resisting some timely and important growth.

In order to help me clarify and ground this “life upgrade,” my

coach-friend kept insisting that I write out my Wish List, and

to take care to include all of my “wants” and “don’t wants.”

Sounds like a fair and easy request, doesn’t it?

Well, if you like the idea of being in a dark room for many

months and then suddenly finding yourself emerging into

the world with the hot sun piercing your eyes, then, sure!

Coming out of the darkness of denial can feel quite agoniz-

ing, at least in the initial stages.

Of course, once adjusted to the brightness and warmth of

the light, we realize we’re in a far better place than we were

before. Giving birth is typically like that — a messy, painful


and daunting task, yes, but without equals in terms of life’s

rewarding and essential experiences. In many cases, birthing

ourselves is no different.

While lists are useful in helping us reveal, clarify and

enhance our lives, they also tear down the dusty veils of

DENIAL (Don’t Even Notice I Am Lying!) and knock us off our

comfortable haunches. Not everyone feels ready for this kind

of transition (aka rude awakening), and sometimes there are

a few key steps and layers we need to take and clear first.

Some may call this, our “divine time.”

Ultimately, there is no payoff in remaining in the dark.

The reason for this is rooted in a quote I dearly love: “How

we do one thing is how we do everything.”

Anything out of sync with our truest selves affects the whole,

so there is no advantage in being untrue to ourselves, not even

in one tiny way.

To clarify our wants and needs as adults is nothing short

of a huge task. In many cases, ignoring or repressing our needs

starts at a young age and rewriting these deep-rooted pat-

terns means revisiting wants and needs that were left unmet

many years ago.

For example, hidden beneath your disappointment in not

scoring the Barbie Beach Collection or GT Snow Racer from

Santa when you were seven years old are the memories tied

to deeper issues of feeling unworthy, deserving or forgotten.

These memories are likely held in the fabric of our being until

we acknowledge and release them. Until then, they will affect

and skew all of our present-day interactions, making us feel

less than adequate and in peril of feeling that way again.

The presenter at a recent Woman’s Wellness Circle had

us bring in a childhood picture of ourselves. The theme of

Jill Hewlett 141

the night was “Healing our Inner Child.” Everyone was

asked to look closely at their picture and notice what feel-

ings arose.

Although the photos were taken decades earlier, most

people could tune into them like it was yesterday. The feed-

back from each person was profound. As adults, we could

give voice to the joy and happiness we saw in that little-

person version of ourselves, as well as the sadness, hurt and

unmet needs that we couldn’t understand. At times as chil-

dren, we didn’t have the ability to express our desire for

someone to play with, a feeling of safety, a warm hug, acknowl-

edgement or understanding.

As Christmas approaches each year, children all over the

world are groomed to clarify their wants and needs, as they

compose letters to the North Pole for Santa to read. It may

appear that this is speaking solely to material interests, but

in my experience, I have found that behind every material

desire are emotional and mental motivators. For example, a

person who wants a bigger house may want this because

deep down they are feeling lonely or are longing for more

social interaction and community spirit in their life — things

they feel a new space will allow for.

Our desires and needs are important to listen to and honour;

they are the gateways to making choices and taking actions

that uniquely define who we are in the world in a whole and

balanced way.

Most people, whether or not they’re aware of it, are defin-

ing themselves and their lives on a daily basis — through

both small and big choices. These choices include what clothes

to wear, groceries to buy, food to eat, career to pursue and

people to spend time with. Taken together, this adds up to the


totality of one’s life. Is there any area that you’ve noticed

yourself living on auto-pilot? Have you ever wondered why

you feel depressed, or are struggling for motivation? There

is likely a decision waiting to be made, and a corresponding

action to be taken, that have the potential to change everything.

The question is: What is it?

If you really want to get clear, then make a list, your per-

sonal Wish List. It may not be easy at first, but if you stick

with it, awareness and truth will soon follow!

143

Curbing Temptation

Years ago at university, I frequently attended extracurricular

workshops that were offered through the campus fitness cen-

tre. Thanks to the forward thinking of the inspired woman

who was the facility’s director, many interesting and holistic

events were made available to students who wanted to attend.

I always enjoyed these presentations, a welcome contrast

to my regular courses, and any ideas on how to become more

self aware, create balance and support preventative health

seemed like valuable educational material to me. While I

wasn’t getting any course credits for them, they provided

helpful information, and served, in fact, as the early days of

my wellness career, without my even realizing it.

While all wellness topics sounded appealing, I enjoyed

the ones that pertained to movement and nutrition best.

I remember attending one particular seminar by a nutri-

tionist whose focus was on weight management. This was a

topic that fascinated me. Being a typical young woman who,

at various points in her development, had struggled with her

weight and body-image issues, I knew there had to be an eas-

ier way to approach how we eat and the results we get — one

that did not include starvation or guilt.


Her approach and the wisdom she shared stay with me

today, because what she said not only made sense, but is trans-

ferrable to other areas of growth and development, as well.

First of all, she made the material easy. The people attend-

ing did not have nutrition degrees, and so spending a lot of

time on science or calorie counting did not make sense, nor

would it interest the group.

Next, she gave lots of simple and fun options. There isn’t,

after all, a cookie-cutter formula to approaching something

as personal as one’s own culinary art experience.

Lastly, she gave one specific tip that made all the difference

in the world with regards to success in eating well and main-

taining a healthy weight.

It was this: While there’s a list of many things that are

essential to minimize in, if not eliminate from, your diet, it’s

equally important to ensure you have a healthy and appeal-

ing replacement for each and every one. To simply remove

items from someone’s regular diet and not replace them with

others is a recipe for failure.

In most cases, people actually already know what they

should not eat. The problem is, they don’t know how or with

what to replace it. For a short period of time, they may be

able to use willpower to avoid the harmful choices, but if the

void is not filled with other good options, the temptation will

be too great and the person will succumb to earlier, unhealthy

inclinations.

The same assessment could be made of all areas of life

improvement.

There is no shortage of thoughts, beliefs, actions, people

and places that patently do not feed our soul or our lives, at

least relative to who we are and what we need. Most often,

Jill Hewlett 145

we know what these culprits are. But it can be tough to let

them go if we don’t have alternatives. In the absence of alter-

native options, we are likely to slip back into old temptations.

As a volunteer and a parent, I am impressed with the way

my daughter’s schoolteacher reinforces this very point in the

way she approaches the behaviour issues that arise in her

classroom.

While she has the student(s) point out the unacceptable

behaviour so they’re aware of it, she swiftly shifts the focus

to what positive new action the child might take going for-

ward. Instead of dwelling on what isn’t working, an exercise

which could further solidify it, or leaving the discussion with-

out alternatives, she spends time creating positive solutions

for going forward. Thus equipped, the child has a new point

of focus and suggestions for behaviour that will support him,

his peers and his overall learning experience.

What we focus on expands. If we spend too much time

dwelling on what we don’t want, we lose sight of what we

do want!

This is simple in thought; more tricky in practice. It takes a

paradigm shift and a willingness to be part of the solution, rather

than the problem.

Ultimately, it comes back to that golden nugget that the

nutritionist shared: Once we know what isn’t working, we

need to know what will.

Of course, it isn’t always possible to immediately imple-

ment replacements. Unlike those involving food, replacing

people, places and things that aren’t working isn’t always that

easy. Time is needed first.

For example, if a person is in an unhealthy relationship and

needs to quit it, she should avoid immediately substituting


it with a new one, a move that will likely be premature and

nudge her into the land of rebounds. But it can be hard to

take the steps to leave and, even if she does, the temptation to

then return to that less-than-favourable situation can be a

challenge to ignore. What do we do during the gap?

Another issue that arises is that sometimes we can’t make

changes in response to mere necessity. If a person is in a job

that she doesn’t like, it can be very hard to quit given the

tremendous importance of the income the job brings in. This

may cause her to stay in a work situation that is not true to

her purpose or her potential out of fear and necessity. But

how does a person make the change?

In these instances, the wisdom of the nutritionist still

applies. We may not be ready for a whole new relationship or

career change, but we can facilitate its eventual occupation

in our lives with alternatives that support transitionary steps.

Instead of starting another new relationship, perhaps we

cultivate other relational opportunities by joining a group,

learning a new activity or taking a class.

Instead of leaving a job cold turkey, perhaps we go back to

school, find a mentor, volunteer or identify some part-time

work in our field of interest.

Change is a process and it can be tempting to rush in to

fill the gaps and find solutions before their time has come.

Don’t do it.

When we find ourselves in a situation that doesn’t lend

itself to the replacing of old ways with new options, the void

may be a place to befriend and explore. Ironically, the great

yawning unknown may be filled with treasures and delights

that can satisfy your hunger in ways you never expected!

147

Honesty Heals

Honesty can be a healing elixir. It can put us in the right align-

ment to take the next step, make healthy choices and listen

to our inner voice. Our inner voice is that which speaks to our

genuine needs and desires, and connects us with our potential.

Although it feels vulnerable and daring, the most healthy

and vibrant place to live is in a place of honesty with ourselves,

and with the ability to communicate that honesty with others.

I believe that this is our gateway to health and whole-

ness and the way to effectively create our lives — not bogus,

inauthentic versions of them.

Allowing other people’s opinions to run our lives denies

us our own truth. It can lead us to resentment, pain, depres-

sion and, ultimately, distrust. We end up feeling like an

imposter, a reality that, in my opinion, is likely the leading

cause of illness and disease.

When we are dishonest with ourselves about our own

needs, everything we say or do is being wasted on an illusion

that never was, or ever should be. I’m certain this is why

many people feel unable to change their lives for the bet-

ter. They aren’t living genuine lives, only going through the

motions of a false story. It doesn’t enable them to effect change

in a meaningful and lasting way.


In my experience, discovering our personal truth is a jour-

ney that takes life experience to uncover. In the words of singer

and songwriter, Sarah McLachlan, “We’re building a mystery.”

There are many opportunities to learn and grow. We ulti-

mately get to choose the “who, what, why, when, where and

how” of our own adventure novel. We are the authors!

Not everyone is playing an active role in their story’s

authorship, however. Many of us are slaves to conditioning

and beliefs that we inherited early on, and we don’t even

realize it.

It takes awareness, courage and, most of all, a sense of

safety to be open about who we are, how we are feeling and

what we really want. This is the precursor to beneficial change

and growth on all levels.

So why not try it? Share what’s really on your mind, speak

the needs of your heart, and take the actions that feel the

most authentic and inspired to you. Once you stop “quaking

in your boots,” you’ll quickly find that you become much more

energized, relaxed and grounded, and that those around you

benefit, too!

There needs to a strong foundation for us to build on if we

want to create anything solid and of lasting value, and it may

take decades just to develop the awareness, courage and safety

levels needed to bring our heart’s wisdom to the foreground.

Heart intelligence is connected with our right-brain hemi-

sphere, and can only be accessed when we feel safe in our

physical environment and with those around us. Until then,

we are in left-brain dominancy, where the flight/fight response

reduces our interests to safety alone. Often in that space, we’ll

project our fears and lack of grounding onto people and

situations randomly, and not always accurately.

Jill Hewlett 149

We may have adopted this unhealthy way of operating early

in life. Childhood is when we discovered that, to acquire the

safety necessary to function in the world, we had to hold our

tongue, repress our feelings or agree with another, even if it

compromised our own truth.

To unravel years that were lived and motivated by paren-

tal and societal ideals and standards, and were in conflict

with our own true nature and basic desires, takes time. It’s

best to start early, and give the younger generations support

in learning the most valuable material of all, namely: who am

I, what do I want and why am I here? This is a gradual pro-

cess, and one that can’t be forced or hurried. Each person has

his or her own timing and rhythm to honour in order for his

or her authentic song to come forth and be heard.

I’ve spent many years working on releasing motivations

and tendencies that had been ingrained in me, but are not

true to my own interests and inclinations.

It’s humbling to identify where I’ve denied myself, and the

world, my most authentic voice and self-expression. I felt that

the real version of me — how I felt and looked, what I wanted

and needed — wasn’t good enough or wouldn’t be acceptable

to those in the world around me.

In an attempt to win affection and approval, we will often

compromise our essential needs.

The more I learn to speak my creative mind, feel my authen-

tic feelings, listen to my body and take my heart’s inspired

actions, the better I feel about myself. This expansion also

impacts my health and attitude, to say nothing of my sense of

confidence and accomplishment. More than that, I find that I

care less now about how others interpret what I say and do,

and more about my own personal integrity. My soul knows!


Perhaps the root of most of the world’s pain and suffering

is this fundamental issue of believing that who we are isn’t

enough, and what we want isn’t OK. That is just wrong!

In life, and especially in places like the workplace and

school where there’s a huge emphasis on having the right

answers in order to make the grade, let’s all remember that

sometimes the most truthful and accurate answer is, “I don’t

know . . . yet.” Once we feel comfortable and safe enough to be

honest, the joy of learning and creating can begin and our

truest answers will come forth.

151

In Her Shoes

Have you ever questioned someone’s choices, disapproved

of their behaviour or judged their actions? Probably so.

How easy it can be to look at someone else’s life, point out

the areas that need improvement and offer advice on how

they should do it!

I’ve come to realize that such a proposition is not only

unhelpful, it’s absurd.

How can we understand the motivations, choices and atti-

tudes of a person until we have walked in his or her shoes?

We can’t. But the appeal of adding our judgement is pow-

erful; most likely because it temporarily seems freeing for the

release of focus and responsibility it allows our own lives.

The other day my daughter was in a rather saucy and con-

trary mood. To my dismay, all of my efforts to persuade her

to a better, more cooperative attitude (as in, her doing it my

way!) were met with resistance.

Various thoughts moved through my mind, including,

“Who does she think she is talking to me this way? Doesn’t

she know that I’m more than 10 times her age? Will the neigh-

bours hear her scream if I wrestle her to the ground and

physically force her to do what I want . . . ?!

Thankfully, my own self-awareness led me to a better


solution. I had a drink (water, of course), did some focused

breathing and engaged in some integrative movement to

help me gain access to a more mindful perspective.

The gift of that pause allowed me to create space, balance

myself and detach from that over which I didn’t have control —

someone else’s state of being.

Instead of seeking to control the situation, (not healthy or

productive), I was then able to influence it, from a new and

curious place. This place was filled with compassion and a

genuine desire to understand, as best I could, what was going

on in her little world.

Being older and stronger, parents, guardians and teach-

ers can be tempted to pull rank and use force, intimidation

and even shame to get the results they seek. They do so rather

than taking a look at themselves first, and seeking to under-

stand the underlying dynamic, something we all have a role

in creating and influencing.

Not too long after I shifted, my daughter did as well. More

importantly, I began to notice what was really going on. She

was overly tired! It didn’t initially look like that when she was

jumping off furniture, refusing to get dressed so she could

play more and demanding that I put on her sing-along CD.

But appearances can be deceiving. Fatigue is a stressor, and

my little girl was riding an adrenalin wave.

I had forgotten that my daughter had woken up excep-

tionally early that morning, and that her naptime needed to

be adjusted accordingly. What was the proof? When I created

the conditions she needed for sleep, the resistance evapo-

rated. In moments, she was sawing logs.

This is a simple example, but its message is powerful.

Its lesson can be applied to adult-adult relationships, as

Jill Hewlett 153

well, such as those joining spouses, relatives, colleagues and

neighbours.

Everyone needs to have their basic physiological needs

met before higher-order functions and interactions can occur.

Seeing this imperative through often means undertaking

simple but essential lifestyle changes to facilitate positive

and lasting improvements in mental, emotional and physi-

cal areas.

When you as a parent, educator, manager or spouse notice

behaviour that’s less than favourable, you’re likely being

called to make a change! Leadership is required. Someone

is needed who, instead of forcing a situation, can actually

serve as a role model for a more present, balanced, centred

and coherent state. This way, the radiant potential in all of

us can be actualized.

So breathe, drink some water and engage in some fun

movement. You’ll no doubt find that, when you are able to

shift yourself, everyone and everything around you shifts,

too. It’s simply inevitable.

Also, keep in mind that our behaviours and attitudes are

extensions of what is happening on a much deeper level.

When something has gone awry on the surface, a much closer,

keener and compassionate eye is required to even begin to

understand what’s really going on.

Sometimes by simply taking a step back, you can recog-

nize what is most needed at that moment — like a walk in

another soul’s shoes!

154

Already Always

Recently, I attended a thought-provoking presentation by

one of North America’s leading naturopathic doctors. In his

talk, he addressed a concept called “Already Always Listen-

ing.” This refers to thoughts and beliefs that have been so

widely adopted by society, cultures and groups that most indi-

viduals simply accept them as fact, even if they’re untrue,

misleading or outdated.

Many traditional institutions rely on “Already Always Lis-

tening” to preserve their authority and maintain power over

the public. In other words, propaganda.

In the case of the medical industry, the “Already Always

Listening” approach causes many to rely heavily on medical

doctors and pharmaceutical drugs for guidance and solutions.

Unfortunately, these unwitting victims simply don’t know

any differently; their lenses have been melded to make them

believe that medical doctors are king. Such a limiting per-

spective deprives people from experiencing the wholeness,

vibrant health and longevity they deserve.

The medical world is certainly not the only place where

“Already Always Listening” has taken its hold.

According to human performance and development firm

Landmark Forum, “We may think of ourselves as open-minded

Jill Hewlett 155

and objective, but our approach to ourselves, our circum-

stances and others is often filtered and even obscured by pre-

existing notions and ideas such as our upbringing, values

and past experiences.”

What is already there prevents anything new from coming

forth.

Those filters are like a preset radio station and they influ-

ence and profoundly colour our relationships with people,

circumstances and ourselves.

No longer are we an open vessel, receptive and ready to

learn and grow from our conversations with family, friends

and coworkers. Instead, we are focused on the narrator in

our own head and what it is saying about what the other guy

has said, is saying or is about to say. What a way to trap another

person in the web of our limited prejudice!

And the worst part of our filters? Others can never show up

in any other way.

Have you ever considered that how we hear a person

greatly determines how they communicate to us? We can

either create a safe, open and alive place to be heard, or one

that is stifled by our biases, past and expectations. How can

a relationship ever connect, grow or change in that place?

“Already Always Listening” is uncreative, inflexible and

automatic. It drowns out newness, generosity and possibility.

Other examples of “Already Always Listening” include

pre-judgments based on race, the way someone dresses or

their address, before even having spoken to or known them.

Your own thoughts from the past instantly pegged them, but

not for who they are — for who you are.

An awareness of these filters and the striking limits they

impose allows for a refreshing freedom. People, situations and


our approach to life dramatically change when we drop them.

This reminds me of the importance of a recommendation

I heard years ago. The speaker was encouraging the audi-

ence to start each day anew, with a fresh outlook and a curious

spirit. The best place to practise, she suggested, was in our

everyday relationships. Rather than know what the other

person is going to say, ask for or choose in the course of your

conversations, wait and let them tell you. Then pause and

take it in. Don’t hurry to assumptions or a response.

In practising this new way of listening and being with

others, magical connections, insights and positive feelings

emerge because genuine communication has taken place.

Ahhhhhh, how good that feels for everyone.

I’m not so sure how easy it is for most of us to drop all of

these filters, but it’s worth giving it our best shot. We may

find that, by doing so, our relationship connections become

infused with a dose of aliveness, presence and energy that

prompts them to grow in wonderful new ways.

157

Make God Laugh

Have you ever heard the saying, “if you want to make God

laugh, tell her your plans?” I absolutely love the truth and

irony of this quote and use it often. In most cases, you see,

nothing is exactly as we planned for it.

Just as in promotional marketing initiatives (and parent-

ing for that matter!), it’s best to tell people what they want,

and then give them what they really need. Life, in its infinite

wisdom, does the same for us.

There seems to be a natural intelligence orchestrating our

lives, and it’s quite aware of what we need and how we’re meant

to get it.

Our task is simply to get out of the way! This includes let-

ting go of whatever grandiose ideas we have of what we think

everything should look like, and tune into the quiet whispers

of our own inner intelligence.

While our mind may have fabulous ideas of what the

year ahead should bring and how we ought to go about

manifesting it, experience has taught me that there are

usually 1,000 steps ahead of where we need to place our

next footprint.

In the words of Dr. Joseph Chilton Pearce, a world-renowned

expert in childhood development, “To the mind, anything is


possible, but the heart always asks, what is most timely and

appropriate right now?”

This flies in the face of a society filled with over-focused

type As who have a make-it-till-you-break-it attitude around

goal achievement.

While a certain percentage of goal achievement does come

through following a plan and then executing it with will and

effort, there are other factors that carry far more weight in

getting the results and enjoying them.

What if there is no need to chase, push or force your dreams

into reality? What if those very tendencies were likely to move

success further away?

Creating our external life is an inside job that requires

skills like listening, patience, flexibility and lateral thinking.

A warning to all couch potatoes: this does not mean effort

isn’t needed! Just not the kind that exhausts your spirit, elic-

its procrastination or provokes fear. Instead, I’m talking about

the kind of action that makes sense, fuels and inspires.

Our soul’s gentle hints provide us with the best counsel on

what next step would be most beneficial, and align us most

accurately with our desired destination.

Sometimes, these steps seem not so glamorous or appeal-

ing, but when we take care of them, our body relaxes, our

heart opens, our mind becomes clear and our spirit sings.

Consider this: your advancement toward your goals could

be infused with many interesting and unexpected twists and

turns and, if you take it one heartfelt step at a time, you’ll be

pleasantly surprised by how your vision actually takes steps

towards you!

From this heartfelt pace and place, your own dreams may

even be surpassed.

159

Meant to Be

When life proceeds effortlessly in our favour, we may not

give it much thought and just convince ourselves that it was

all meant to be! We all do it.

But it is also within reason to believe that the less com-

fortable or desirable situations are also meant to be, and are

just as rich and valuable in their offerings of growth, learn-

ing and positive change.

Usually, when we look back at things that turned out dif-

ferently than we expected, we can find gifts, make connections

and derive the silver lining from why things happened the way

they did. Nonetheless, on the meant-to-be spectrum, some sit-

uations are far easier to both accept and adapt to than others.

There is a quote upon which the Course in Miracles’

Foundation for Inner Peace is built. It says, “Nothing real is

threatened, nothing unreal exists; therein lies the truth of God.”

One interpretation of this quote is that, if it’s meant to be, it

will be and, if it’s not, it won’t! On that basis, if something

uncomfortable or hard to understand is going on, there’s

likely a reason for it.

Just the same, many of us typically try hard to avoid or change

the scene, rather than go deeper into our heart to accept and

make peace with it.


While I’m a huge fan of empowerment, personal freedom

and creating one’s life on one’s own terms, I feel that a lot of

the recent personal growth messages are promoting individ-

uals to actively hunt down a reality they “think” they want

and “think” will make them happy, while denying what is

actually going on and understanding why.

This approach may lead to people feeling frustrated or

suffering a profound sense of personal failure as they realize

they can’t achieve the results these books, workshops and

speakers have told them they could.

At the end of the day, when we squeeze a lemon, we’ll

get lemon juice — not orange juice. We can’t expect to make

something into something it’s not, whether it be a person,

place or thing. This is the case unless, of course, you have a fairy

godmother whose magic wand can turn pumpkins into chariots!

Along the same vein, the seeds we plant in a garden will

produce what they were genetically programmed to grow.

How well they do so is determined by other factors such as

sunlight, soil quality, water and attention. Some of these

factors a farmer can influence; others, he can’t.

From this place of wisdom, we may find that we don’t need

to force what never can happen, nor to resist what naturally is.

Knowing the difference is a skill worth cultivating.

At the same time, there is relief and freedom in knowing

that we don’t need to push the river. We need simply do our part

and, if it’s meant to be, life — in the form of people, places,

circumstances and divine intervention — will conspire to

support us. And if we find that it doesn’t, it’s best to consider

that perhaps the timing was off, that we needed to tweak our

offerings or that it was never meant to be in the first place.

In other scenarios, we may inadvertently hold back going

Jill Hewlett 161

for what we want because we’re afraid of loss, rejection or not

having our needs met, an anticipated response that may be

based on historical childhood evidence of things not working

out in our favour.

Typically, children have more of a tendency to share their

wants, needs and interests from a place of clarity and cer-

tainty than adults. This may be even more evident if they have

not accumulated the early baggage that may prevent them

from doing so.

Last week, my daughter made the decision that she was

going to be part of the Easter parade being held in our area,

just a few short days prior to the actual event! In her youth-

ful enthusiasm, she began telling everyone we came across

about this special news.

She was going to dress up and walk in the procession, she

proudly told our neighbours and friends. Everyone reflected

back her excitement, and told her what great news that was

and that they would look for her on that day.

The certainty with which my little girl proclaimed this

news was compelling and convincing, even to me as her

mother who knew firsthand that she had neither a spot in

the parade nor a costume to wear.

My daughter’s high energy and keen attitude inspired me

to conspire in favour of her plans. Rather than be the voice

of reason as to how last-minute her declaration was and

how likely it was that all the spots would already be filled, I

encouraged her.

Within a day or two, she had landed a spot in the event.

While she had never doubted it for a moment, I can’t tell you

with what sense of relief I felt having avoided raining on my

daughter’s parade.


What can we take from this?

In the process of creating our lives, it’s important to

remember life balance. It is great to passionately and whole-

heartedly go for what we want, put our best selves forward

and engage others in our plans. But at the same time, we need

to realize that if it’s not flowing, if we’re constantly paddling

upstream or the resistance feels too strong, then perhaps

we need to pause, take a step back and consider the “meant

to be-ness” of it all. This is called balance, which inevitably

has the power to foster wisdom and joy.

163

The Yes in No

Have you ever heard the saying, “Watch out for what you ask

for, because you just might get it?”

How many times have you wished for something that

didn’t happen and about which later, thanks to hindsight, you

actually felt relieved?

It happens to all of us.

We think we know what’s best for us at all times, but the

truth is, we don’t. How could we?

Thankfully, life intervenes with the unknowns. Timing,

true-north laws and flat-out refusals keep us grounded in

the bigger picture, even if we don’t always like it or agree.

When we hold too tightly to our preferences or expecta-

tions, we are the ones likely to suffer. If we’re willing to accept

reality as it is, we may be surprised to find ourselves embrac-

ing new perspectives and opportunities that could be equally,

or perhaps even more, fulfilling.

Of course that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be planning,

taking action, following our heart’s desires or listening to

our inner guidance; it’s just to caution that, left %100 in con-

trol of our own master plan, we would likely go off course.

When we experience resistance, rest assured that there’s

another route waiting for us and that these obstacles are a


way to show us that (or maybe the timing is simply off).

When I was applying for post-secondary education years

ago, I nominated the concurrent education program at Queen’s

University in Kingston, Ont., as my first choice. Since my grade

levels were high and I had volunteer experience under my

belt, I felt this was my best choice for seeing through a plan

to become a high school teacher, and that I’d be a shoo-in for

the program.

To my surprise and dismay, I wasn’t accepted (although

I was offered admission to their Bachelor of Arts program,

instead). With the initial refusal, I wasn’t feeling a warm

rapport with Queen’s admissions office, so I went with my

second choice of McMaster University, in Hamilton, Ont.

Looking back, this was really the best decision I could have

ever made. Not only did I receive a scholarship to the pro-

gram of my choice, I attended during the years that Mac was

designing and installing a state-of-the-art fitness and well-

ness centre, and I became part of history in the making! I was

exposed to wellness modalities, training and like-minded

people who became my friends, all things that have greatly

contributed to the career path I am on now; my life’s passion.

Simply put, we know what we know, and we don’t know

what we don’t know — yet. As more information is revealed,

things typically make more sense. Waiting this out, however,

requires patience, openness and curiosity, rather than the

limiting thought of it’s my way, or the highway!

Of course it’s natural that when our partner leaves, we’re

fired from a job or we don’t make the cut, we experience disap-

pointment, frustration and pain.

But ultimately, when we’re willing to consider the possi-

bility that there’s something going on beyond our knowledge

Jill Hewlett 165

and control, we may find ourselves open to more adventures

and experiences that could change our course. This could

result in a richness and abundance that we could not previ-

ously access or even imagine!

More than that, if we make a real effort not to take our

lives quite so personally or seriously, we may be more open

to new opportunities. If things don’t look, feel or seem as we

intended them, we may then have the courage to consider

that it’s okay, that our dreams are still intact, that there is just

a more appropriate plan still unfolding. Oftentimes, we don’t

know or understand it all until weeks, months or even years

have elapsed. In the words of country singer Garth Brooks,

“Sometimes, God’s greatest gifts are the unanswered prayers.”

When life says no to a particular request or desire, it may

be advancing you a favour. A “no” to one thing is actually a “yes”

to an infinite number of other possibilities.

As demonstrated by my personal example of not getting

into the university program of my choice, the “no” caused me

to re-evaluate my plan of going into the teaching field. With

this gift of time and the alternate route that opened, I dis-

covered my “heart’s song” in the field of Holistic Arts and

Wellness.

Veiled in the “no,” is always a “yes.”

So when we say “no” to being in situations that don’t hon-

our or respect us, we are actually saying “yes” to all of the

other people and places that will.

When I say “no” to my daughter to crossing the street

without holding my hand, for example, I’m saying “yes” to

her safety. When I say “no” to spending time with people who

don’t value my needs or interests, I’m saying “yes” to my

personal value. When I say “no” to eating foods that are


unhealthy, I’m saying “yes” to my well-being.

It’s important to realize that, while we are longing for

something to come into fruition, it may actually be advanta-

geous for us to remain in this gap a little longer. During this

period, the sky is the limit and the possibilities are endless.

When the time is right and the stars are aligned, the

phone will ring, the person will arrive, the opportunity will

appear and the answers will come forth. It may look uncon-

ventional, or defy the laws of your original expectations and

conditioning, but deep down it will feel right. It will feel you.

It will feel “yes.” And all those “no’s” you encountered along

the way will have been worth it!

167

Are We There Yet?

One of the most frequently asked questions of the summer

months is this one: “Are we there yet?”

Cars loaded with coolers, backpacks and kids are com-

monplace in the warmer seasons. Whether it’s a trip to the

beach, cottage or amusement park, the destination is sure to

create excitement for the children on board. They will ache

to know how much longer it will be before they get there.

Looking ahead with anticipation to our desired destination

awakens all sorts of enthusiasm, and can be very motivating!

The question that arises with this reality, however, is what

to do to keep the motivation alive if we don’t have a specific

goal in mind? And what if we’ve been travelling a long road,

working endless days toward goals that aren’t manifesting at

the speed or direction for which we’d hoped?

It’s frustrating to be putting in effort and not experiencing

results or the outcomes we imagined. Does this mean we

should exercise more patience, push harder, re-evaluate the

situation . . . or give up?

Patience is a virtue for sure, and not something that’s

easy to muster when we are eager to reach a particular goal.

But sometimes a spoonful of patience is the best remedy in

the cupboard.


In some cases, if we give up, we may be doing ourselves

a huge favour and, at the same time, we may never know how

close we actually were to getting results. The gestation period

varies depending on what we are creating. Sometimes, it’s

darkest before dawn, and sometimes the darkness is a clue

to turn the lights on!

Ultimately, if what we’re doing isn’t actually working, why

should we do more of it, with more gusto? That’s silly, really,

yet so alluring! I’ve seen many people, myself included,

simply push harder when things aren’t working, rather than

work smarter.

So what are we left to do? Re-evaluate. This requires a

high degree of skill, courage, honesty and, most of all, readi-

ness, that sometimes we just aren’t prepared for!

Still, when we’re ready to ask the powerful questions and

be open to the truthful answers, the results can be amazing!

Pausing, breathing and observing long enough to notice

what is really going on from a more objective headspace

sounds simple, but it’s profound in nature and effectiveness.

The willingness to slow down and perhaps even stand still

opens us up to operating on a whole new level. That, alone,

can accomplish much.

The bonus prize is that we might come to realize that we’re

closer than we thought and a few simple tweaks are all that are

needed to bring our dreams into reality.

Look at it this way: If you were driving to the beach and

the trip was taking longer than what the map stated, giving

up would mean missing the surf and sand!

Likewise, if we were lost on our drive to the cottage and

we just pushed harder and drove faster, we might end up

further away than when we started. But if we slowed down,

Jill Hewlett 169

maybe even stopped, we could gain some clarity and see some

signs — literally and figuratively.

And when it comes to not going to the amusement park,

well, that’s just not an option!

So if you’re planning any long drives in the near future,

remember to enjoy the journey. Take in some of the roadside

attractions and include activities like Eye Spy. Singing camp

songs will take your focus from a long, boring ride full of

questions like, “Are we there yet?” and transform it into a

magical and bonding experience for the entire clan. All aboard!

170

A Sense of Purpose

Lately, I’ve been noticing a difference between those people

who are truly engaged in and excited about their lives, and

those who aren’t. The former have a sense of their purpose.

A sense of purpose is a deep calling from within that

compels people to live their lives for a reason bigger than

themselves. It is usually a drive that can’t be ignored. If it’s

resisted, it will continue to cry out for attention until the

person listens, aligns and takes action.

When such heed is paid, passion ignites, vitality increases,

doors open, and a way shows itself that will support and fuel

the mission. If we refuse, the disregarded force negates and

diminishes our energy, and health crises, relationship dys-

function and financial disorder can be the unhappy fallout.

What’s more, the stage is set for getting caught up in distrac-

tions such as gossip and yesterday’s news, or for feeling

overwhelmed by world issues, like we have no control.

Living with a sense of purpose does not guarantee every-

thing working perfectly. It does, however, give a sense of

meaning and richness to our lives that can’t otherwise be

found. More than that, it gives us a sense of confidence and

encouragement to know that we’re playing our part in the

larger picture.

Jill Hewlett 171

Ultimately, a sense of purpose does not need to be anything

out of the ordinary. In fact, it’s really about doing ordinary

things — with care, consciousness, meaning, heart and vision.

When we do this, we make ordinary things extraordinary.

We can live with a sense of purpose at every age. It’s wise

and valuable to help cultivate this in youngsters, relative to

their stage of life. Children love to know they are of value

to the people, places and circumstances in their lives. It’s

essential to their self-esteem and it cultivates qualities like

responsibility, accountability and leadership.

In my daughter’s class at school, each child is regularly

given tasks to “be in charge of.” One day when I was leaving

drop-off a bit late, I overheard the teacher talking to the

students about transitioning into their roles. The children, I

noticed, rose to their tasks with a sense of energetic author-

ity and confidence. They knew their parts and they appeared

motivated to serve and make a contribution. The room was

abuzz!

Weeks later when my daughter and I were having a con-

versation, I had used the word “leadership” in complimenting

her for the way she responded to a particular situation. She

wasn’t sure what the word meant so she asked me to explain

it. When I did, she remembered and said with pride, “Oh yes,

my teacher has told me that I’m a good leader, too.” I could

literally feel in my body the importance that acknowledge-

ment meant to her.

A sense of purpose can help build and foster community

and give birth to a spirit of unity that would otherwise be

lacking. Projects that serve a greater purpose put people in

touch with higher values and get them involved with one

another’s lives in productive, meaningful and heart-centred


ways. That collaborative energy creates growth and miracles

in places where we desperately need them.

Given the tremendous value that living with a sense of

purpose brings, why aren’t more folks engaged with one? In

many cases, I think it’s purely due to a lack of awareness.

Many people don’t realize they are genetically predisposed

to having a life purpose. (If you are here, you have a role

to play!) Moreover, they fail to realize how rewarding and

transformative it will be for them and those around them, to

actualize it.

If you’re wondering how you might start to uncover more

of your unique purpose, there are some simple highlights I

can share from my own life learning that may be valuable.

First of all, for almost two decades I’ve been calling the

road to identifying and inhabiting my own sense of purpose

“my journey.” I’ve come to view it as a continual path, with

neither a start nor an end point — a process that continues

to evolve as I, and the people in my life, do.

In the course of following my own ideas and plans, I am

open to input from the outside, because when I don’t listen,

the messages only get louder!

As for matters more internal, I’ve find it most valuable

when I tune into my body and heart for information and

direction. If something feels yes in my belly, then I know it’s

an important piece of the puzzle to include. And if it feels

no, I don’t ignore that message. Rather, I do my best to make

the tweaks or changes necessary to feel in integrity and in

balance with myself.

Ultimately, when something or someone causes an emo-

tional reaction in me, like setting my heart to sing, I know

that my soul’s compass is being stirred. And the greatest

Jill Hewlett 173

indicator for me that my very essence has been penetrated

is when something moves me to tears. Not tears from a sad

or grieving place, but coming-home-to-myself kind of tears.

This is when I know — unequivocally — that my purpose is

calling me.

Conscious of it or not, we are all here for a special pur-

pose. Uncovering what it is can be as glorious as living it.

To your purpose and passion filled journey.

175

About Jill Hewlett

As a professional speaker, individual and group facilitator,

TV host, artist and writer, Jill is innovative and dedicated in

her approach to personal and professional development. In

her first book, she enthusiastically and effectively shares a

treasure chest of refreshing perspectives that can be used

in the classroom, the boardroom and throughout daily life to

achieve greater balance, authentic leadership and an abun-

dance of personal fulfillment.

Common Sense . . . Uncommonly Practised is a culmination

of the last decade-and-a-half of personal and professional

growth for Jill, who employs simple, fun and effective well-

ness and cognitive fitness techniques to help others similarly

achieve their potential. Her keynotes, seminars, training pro-

grams and now this excellent memoir provide endless and

enthusiastic counsel on how to connect with our own unique

wells of innate wisdom.

Jill is excited to be sharing her personal wellness journey,

complete with its identification of her own inner voice and

sense of all-over connection, with her readers. She draws on

her own experiences in presenting a powerful example of

transformation and growth. Rather than dictate a prescrip-

tion for a fuller, more satisfying existence, Jill has put her


own discoveries — the results of a rich, well-travelled, ever-

improving, always inspired life — to the test, and shares the

enlightening results here. This book is truly a testimony to

the human spirit, and its endless capacity to reinvent in the

direction of enhanced self-discovery, authenticity and love.

Jill lives in Toronto with her daughter.

www.jillhewlett.com

Common Sense . . . Uncommonly Practised is a celebration of the marvelous journey we’re all taking in search of wellness in all three of life’s most essential realms: body, heart and mind. Here, find a wealth of real-life lessons picked up along the author’s way, time-tested and delivered in bite-sized doses of eminently useful enlightenment. Read Jill’s words and enjoy the refreshing perspective of a woman whose pleasure at having discovered a means for a more meaningful life is palpable. Better still, she shares her findings with others through this highly readable, extremely practical collection of reflections on how others might identify and apply the same wisdom to their own lives.

“Jill’s profound wisdom is timeless and universal. It is a beau-tiful blend of humour, and heartfelt inspiration. Jill’s clarity and awareness bring peace to one’s soul. There is a moment of enlightenment for everyone who reads Common Sense . . . Uncommonly Practised.”

— Sandra Livingstone, Kundalini yoga teacher, Toronto, ON

“In reading and listening to Jill Hewlett’s observations on the spiritual life and connecting to ourselves as well as others, one undeniable fact resonates repeatedly: the woman knows whereof she speaks. Her engaging and always accessible manner of revealing our truest selves to us is nothing short of an inspiring gift. Do yourself and your life a huge favour: Be inspired by Common Sense . . . Uncommonly Practised.”

— Rick Leather, song writer, White Rock, BC

“Jill Hewlett’s writing always seems to speak to me. She strikes a chord that rings home right when you need it. Her words are

comfortable yet right to the point. I recommend you curl up with a nice cup of tea and enjoy Common Sense . . . Uncommonly Practised.”

— Georgia Atkinson, Brain Gym® student, Hamilton, ON

“Jill’s writing will challenge your views on everyday situations, help you see things in a positive way and leave you wanting to read more!”

— Pat Ashby, secondary school teacher, Aurora, ON

“Jill’s insight into life experiences changes the world for the better. With her unique per-spective, intuition, wisdom and grace, we can see through her eyes that all is as it should be in the school of life. There is always something to learn from her sharing and we are better for it, when we’re willing to reframe the experience with an open heart.”

— MaryLynn Baran, Aurora, ON

ISBN 978-0-9880717-0-4

Wellness $19.99

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