Win Win belief system and conflict resolutionJayadeva de Silva* M.Sc, MBIM FIPM, FITD

Director/Principal consultant- Humantalents Unlimited

Our Beliefs

I like to begin with an explanation of an extremely important concept - "Beliefs." I define "beliefs" as the truth, as YOU understand the truth to be, regarding the way life is. But what does that mean? Truth is fact. It is neutral, without feeling. It may be good or may be bad, depending upon the people and situations involved, but mainly, it just is. For example, the truth is that gravity works. That's good when keeping you from floating thousands of feet

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into the air against your wishes. On the other hand, that's rather bad when falling out of a six-story building. Fairly simple conclusions at which to arrive. Viewing most interpersonal situations as good or bad, however, isn't all that easy. What makes it even more difficult is that the honor of determining the "goodness" or "badness" of any specific event or situation falls to a very subjective part of ourselves known as our "Belief System.” Our basic belief system is formed at a very young age. (A good example of a "belief system" is, when I say, "A very young age," what are you thinking - three, four, eleven, fifteen?").Many psychiatrists state that age as four years!

How Beliefs are formed & Effects of Beliefs

 Our belief system is first given to us by our family and then finely chiseled by our environment. Once formed, our basic beliefs are extremely difficult (though certainly not impossible) to change because they are carried primarily on an unconscious level. Here’s a very somber example: Someone grows up witnessing a very abusive relationship between his or her parents. This abuse may have been physical, verbal, emotional, or any combination of the above. Needless to say, it was a "bad" situation to grow up in. I believe that would be "bad." You believe that would be "bad." And, in all likelihood, the person who grew up in that environment believes, on a conscious level, that that situation was "bad." And yet, why does it happen so often -certainly more often than not - that throughout their life, that person will go from one "bad" relationship to

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another? Because their Belief System says that is the "truth" regarding how relationships are! Just as was mentioned earlier - a belief is the truth, as YOU understand the truth to be - regarding the way life is. On an unconscious level, that person will continually steer their way to the (their) truth, according to their belief system. Though they won't necessarily seek out a partner to fit that belief/truth, they will often sabotage the "good" relationships they find themselves in until finding the one that fits their belief system at this.

 Here is an example as a mini case study

“Sunil was thinking about moving to a place close to Colombo and asked if a particular home a friend told him about over the phone was close to Colombo. . .His friend Nimal said, "No, it's pretty far away." So Sunil told Nimal that he wasn't interested. When Sunil and his wife arrived in Colombo from Hambantota they asked Nimal to take them to that home just to see it. When they arrived, Sunil said, "I thought you told me it wasn't near the City"Nimal: It is, too….far! Sunil: No it isn't! Nimal: Yes, it is! Let's analyze this: The "truth" is that home was ten miles from the City. Nimal living in Bambalapitiya, feels that ten miles is far away. Sunil, being from remote Hambantota, feels 10 miles from the City isn't too far away. I'd say their miscommunication had "something" to do with their belief systems. Yes, they are still friends. Why did neither of them think to mention the exact number of miles?” Now, let's relate this whole thing back to the subject of our discussion. The typical belief system when

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dealing with a person from whom you want something is "For me to win, they need to lose." Or, "If I want a bigger piece of pie, I need to take his or her slice." 

The WIN WIN belief system says, "For me to win, I need to also help that person win, or at least feel good about the situation." And, "If I want a bigger slice of the cake, I'll get together with him or her and bake a bigger cake" . In other words, "Both people win." So let's look at an effective way to work with "Beliefs."First, when in confrontation with a person you may be finding difficult to get along with, ask yourself four questions:

#1 How is my personal belief system distorting the actual truth of the situation?#2 how is his or her personal belief system distorting the actual truth of the situation?#3 what questions can I ask this person that will clarify my understanding of their version of the truth (their belief system)?#4 what information can I give that will help them clarify their understanding of my version of the truth (my belief system)?

As the saying goes, within conflict between two or more people, there are generally three truths - your truth, their truth, and the real truth. Through questions, as well as a caring exchange of information, the real truth can usually be discovered, generating understanding, peace, and

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respect.This leads to results in alignment with the Win Win belief system in which "Both people win."

*( This is a learning resource of students of negotiation .A production of Humantalents International)

Mr. Jayadeva de Silva obtained his Master’s degree in Science from Russian Friendship University, Moscow and Diploma in Personnel management from National Institute of Business Management. A Fellow of both the Institute of Personnel Management and Institute of Training & development, he is also professionally qualified in training systems & curriculum design with an ILO fellowship. A strong advocate of Human Talents Development, Mr. Jayadeva de Silva is the Principal consultant of humantalents Unlimited, a professional practice that provides holistic professional services in Training & Management Consultancy. Mr. de Silva who counts over 25 years of experience has carried out several management consultancy projects and has conducted numerous Training Programs/workshops. He has contributed articles (over 30) and authored the trend setting book ‘Human Talents Management’ which introduced a new leadership theory. He founded “HRSriLanka: and “humantalents” International e Learning Groups. Mr. Jayadeva de Silva was previously the Group Manager (Human Resources Development) for Hayleys Group of Companies, a multi-billion-rupee public listed company and later became the Group Director–Human Resources of Brown & Co. also a large public listed company. He has lectured part-time in professional and post graduate courses in HRM & HRD. He is currently serving as a consultant for Post graduate Institute of Agriculture, University of Peradeniya.. Mr de Silva has conducted over 18 programmes for workplace cooperation project of SriLanka Telecom Limited

Mr. Jayadeva de Silva can be contacted at:

Tel: 94-1-2562449 or 077 7272295E mail djayadeva@gmauil.com

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