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Slides that accompanied a half-day workshop for 11 pairs of co-founders on Startup Communication, held @ Flixster in San Francisco, December 19, 2013.
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Startup
Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]
CommunicationEd Batista@ FlixsterDecember 18, 2013
Executive coachInstructor @ Stanford GSBwww.edbatista.com
blogs.hbr.org/ed-batistaHBR Guide to Coaching Your Employees
Who am I?
Photo by Alex Eflon [link]
Where are we1:1 communicationGroup normsYou as partners and role models
going?
How will weConceptsExercises & debriefs1:1 feedback
get there?
Photo by Chloe Fan [link]
Startups ashuman systems
Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]
Complex group dynamicsCommunication = survivalFeedback = learningRelationships matterLeaders as levers
Founder as avatar
Founder as avatarAvatara
The ideal made realCompany made in your image
Concepts #1Today’s headlineThe simplest feedback modelFeelingsThe net
Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link]
The headlineFeedback is stressfulSo criticize with skill& give more heartfelt praise
Photo by Garry Knight [link]
The simplestWhen you do [X], I feel [Y].
feedback model
The simplestWhen you do [X], I feel [Y].
feedback model
FeelingsDisclosing feelings = vulnerableBut feelings influenceAnd vulnerability closenessComfort with discomfort
Photo by Rebecca Krebs [link]
Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]
The net
The netDavid BradfordHow to avoid triggering defensiveness?How to increase perceptions of fairness?
ReadMore
Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]
Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]
My behavior… Actions Statements Non-Verbals
Needs Motives
Intentions
Feelings Reactions
Responses
The netMe and my…
You and your…
Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]
The netStay on our side of the netFocus on observed behaviorDisclose our responseWhen you do [X], I feel [Y].
Concepts #2Social threatSCARF modelRelationshipsThe net (again)
Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link]
Can I give you
Photo by Robbie Grubbs [link]
some feedback?
Feedback and
Photo by Mykl Roventine [link]
social threat
Threat responseaka “Fight or flight”
Physiological signs?Emotional signs?
Photo by William Warby [link]
Threat responseCognitive impairment…
Decision-makingProblem-solvingCollaboration
Photo by William Warby [link]
Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]
Social threat
Photo by Andrew Vargas [link]
SCARF modelDavid RockWhat social situationstrigger a threatresponse?
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SCARF modelStatusCertaintyAutonomyRelatednessFairness
ReadMore
Photo by Robbie Grubbs [link]
SCARF model & feedbackThreat to…Status?Certainty?Autonomy?Relatedness?Fairness?
Photo by Andrew Vargas [link]
Use the modelWhen giving feedback…Be mindful of statusMinimize uncertaintyMaximize autonomyBuild the relationship*Play fair*
Use the modelWhen getting feedback…Recognize our threat responseManage our emotions (Norms help*)
Photo by Harsha KR [link]
Relationships
John GottmanWhat characterizes successful relationships?
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RelationshipsFeeling known by the otherA culture of appreciationMutual influenceResponding to “bids”
5:1 positive to negative“Emotional bank account”
Relationships& conflict
Founder as avatarThink about your partner
How’s your emotional bank account?What are you doing to build the relationship?
Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]
The net (again)
The netHow to avoid triggering defensiveness?How to increase perceptions of fairness?
Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]
My behavior… Actions Statements Non-Verbals
Needs Motives
Intentions
Feelings Reactions
Responses
The netMe and my…
You and your…
Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]
The netStay on our side of the netFocus on observed behaviorDisclose our responseWhen you do [X], I feel [Y].Diminish social threat & defensivenessIncrease perceptions of fairness
Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]
Founder as avatarThink about your partner
When do you cross their net?When do they cross yours?
Concepts #3Emotional intelligence & groupsTalking about feelingsGroup norms
Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link]
EQ and groupsWhy care?Effective teamsParticipation, cooperation, collaborationCan’t mandate behavior
ReadMore
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
EQ and groupsEssential conditions…Mutual trustGroup identity (feeling of belonging)Group efficacy (belief in value of the team)Strongly affected by group EQ
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
EQ and groupsIndividual EQEmotional awarenessEmotion regulation (≠ suppression)Inward (one’s own emotions)Outward (others’ emotions)
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
EQ and groupsHigh EQ individuals ≠ High EQ groupGroup norms determine group EQCreate awareness of emotionHelp regulate emotion
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Founder as avatarYour behavior = company norms
How aware are you of your emotions?How well do you regulate your emotions?
Talking aboutAffect labelingAmygdalaTalking disrupts negative emotionTalking about emotion > Thinking about emotion
feelings
Photo by Andrew Yee [link]
ReadMore
Talking aboutGroup normsNorms define what’s normativeCan we talk about feelings here?Overcome embarrassment/shame
feelings
Photo by Andrew Yee [link]
Our normsConsider company normsCreate awareness of emotionsHelp regulate emotions
ReadMore
Photo by jm3 [link]
We never… We always…
1. Spend time getting to knowothers personally.
Norms that createawareness
We never… We always…
2. Regularly ask how others are doing.
Norms that createawareness
We never… We always…
3. Share thoughts and emotionswith others in the moment.
Norms that createawareness
We never… We always…
4. Ask others who have been quiet in a discussion what they think.
Norms that createawareness
We never… We always…
5. Fully explore others’ resistanceto our decisions.
Norms that createawareness
We never… We always…
6. Set aside time to discuss and evaluateour own effectiveness.
Norms that createawareness
We never… We always…
7. Acknowledge and discuss the feelingin the group in the moment.
Norms that createawareness
We never… We always…
1. Have clear ground rules for productive behavior in meetings.
Norms that help regulate
We never… We always…
2. Call out behavior that violatesthose ground rules.
Norms that help regulate
We never… We always…
3. Express acceptance ofothers’ emotions.
Norms that help regulate
We never… We always…
4. Make time to discuss difficulties within the team
and the emotions they generate.
Norms that help regulate
We never… We always…
5. Use playfulness to acknowledgeand relieve stress.
Norms that help regulate
We never… We always…
6. Express optimism aboutthe team’s capabilities.
Norms that help regulate
We never… We always…
7. Provide others with positivefeedback in the moment.
Norms that help regulate
Our normsWhat norms do you have?What norms do you need?What can you do as leaders?
Photo by jm3 [link]
Concepts #4Positive feedbackSoft start
Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link]
Photo by Aaron Matthews [link]
Positive feedbackA paradox
So importantSo often ineffectiveWhat’s wrong?
Positive feedbackWe may not trust it
We may even resent itWe often praise the wrong things
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Positive feedbackDon’t praise to buffer criticism
Use a soft start*
Positive feedbackDon’t praise to overcome resistance
Use other influence tactics
Positive feedbackDon’t praise ability
Praise effort and persistence
Soft start
Photo by Phil McElhinney [link]
Not like this
Soft start
Photo by OakleyOriginals [link]
Like this
Soft startBegin with positive intent(But don’t bullshit)Emphasize mutual goalsBe mindful of your stress
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1:1 feedback
Photo by Ana Karenina [link]
When getting feedback…Observe your threat responseDo you want to ask for specific feedback?
1:1 feedback
Photo by Ana Karenina [link]
When giving feedback…Positive feedback encouragedWhen criticizing, stay on your side of the netWhen you do [X], I feel [Y].Use the Vocabulary of Emotions
