HOW TO Manage

RACHEL HARTMaster Certified Coach

Managein Seven StepsYour Mind

A GUIDE

HOW TO

TABLE OF CONTENTSStep 1: What’s the Problem?Step 2: Identify How You Feel.Step 3: Observe the Feeling.Step 4: Allow the Emotion.Step 5: Uncover Your Unintentional Cycle.Step 6: Decide How You Want to Feel.Step 7: Brainstorm and Practice New Thoughts

HOW TO MANAGE YOUR MIND IN SEVEN STEPS 1


WHAT’S THE PROBLEM?

Spend a couple minutes writing about the problem. Use this time to see what your brain is thinking about the situation. Don’t edit yourself. Just get whatever is in your head onto paper.

Read through what you wrote. Keep an eye out for the following:

• Are you anticipating the worst when nothing has gone wrong?• Are you ruminating or dwelling in the past?• Are you beating yourself up or shaming yourself?• Are you hoping to feel better by changing things that are outside of your control? For

example: other people’s behavior, world events, or the past.• Are you asking dead-end questions? For example: Why can’t I figure this out? What’s wrong

with me? How come I never stick to my plans? • Are you making all-or-nothing statements? For example: I completely neglect my body. He

always gives me a hard time. I never get things right. No one likes me. • Are you setting unreasonable standards for yourself or others?• Are you telling yourself you are powerless. For example: I have to take care of my elderly

father instead of I want to take care of my elderly father.

1


Identify the emotion. Not sure? Look at the list below, and take a guess.

ANGRY MadFuriousAnnoyedFrustratedIrritatedBitterResentfulResistantExasperatedImpatientDistrustfulRebelliousJealousUncaringCertain

SADEmptyMiserableBummedDespondentDisheartenedDevastatedAlienatedIsolatedAshamedDesperateExhaustedDissatisfied Self-pityPessimisticDejectedDiscouragedLonely

HELPLESSPowerlessDirectionlessConfusedParalyzedIndecisiveDoubtfulOverwhelmedUncertainIncapableUnsureVulnerableHopelessDistractedBoredRestlessUninterested

IDENTIFY HOW YOU FEEL.2

I am feeling:

JUDGMENTALReservedShyUptightSelf-ConsciousInsecureInferiorAwkwardEmbarrassedHumiliatedGuiltRemorseDisgustedInadequateWorthless

WRONGEDRejectedVictimizedTaken Advantage OfInsultedOffendedDisrespectedAppalledIndignantSlightedBelittledDefensive

AFRAID WaryApprehensiveAnxiousNervousScaredPanickedAlarmedDreadThreatenedFearfulSuspiciousIntimidated


Tune into your body to notice how the emotion feels. Avoid judging the physical sensations. For example: I hate anxiety. Shame is unbearable. Anger feels terrible. Instead, practice being a neutral observer and get as clinical as possible with your descriptions.

Here are some examples of what you might notice:

Heart racingHeart heavyBreathing labored Breathing shallowCan’t catch my breathChest tightnessChest heavinessStomach flutteringStomach churningStomach hollowQueasyShoulders tense

Shoulders heavyShoulders slouchedMouth dryThroat tightThroat closingJaw clenchedNose tinglingEyes wateringEyes heavyCheeks flushedFace hotForehead pressure

Forehead tensionHands clenchedHands coldHands hotLower back stiffToes curledFeet tinglingBody shrinkingBody curlingBody stillnessBody restless

Review what you wrote. Did you describe the sensations in a neutral manner? Go back and revise as necessary.

When you examine an emotion from the perspective of the physical sensations happening in your body, you start to teach your brain that emotions are problems that must be immediately fixed. Whatever you’re feeling is not nearly as intolerable as the brain wants you to believe. Ask yourself, what is so unbearable about a heavy chest or a clenched fist that you’d do anything to avoid these sensations?

OBSERVE HOW YOU FEEL.3


You were built to experience the full spectrum of positive and negative emotions. When you’re in a rush to change how you feel, you teach the brain that you can’t handle certain emotions. No emotion is an emergency that needs to be solved immediately.

You can practice observing and allowing any emotion. You don’t have to react. You don’t have to shut down. You don’t have to distract yourself or numb how you feel. Practice carrying the emotion around like a heavy backpack, feeling its weight, but still moving forward.

If you’re in a rush to change how you feel, you have more work to do observing and allowing the emotion.

Here are some thoughts you can use to help you allow an emotion.

This is . I’m fine.

This is what feels like in my body.

I can observe without reacting to it.

I am learning how to co-exist with .

My body was built to handle any emotion.

I am teaching myself how to stay present with .

I am showing my brain that I don’t need to run from .

I can feel without numbing myself.

These are just the physical sensations letting me know I feel . I’m okay.

Nothing has gone wrong. I am supposed to feel sometimes.

The more I tell myself I can’t handle , the more powerful it becomes.

ALLOW THE EMOTION.4


Now it’s time to use the think-feel-act cycle. Here’s how you write it out:

C: T: F: A: R:

C is your circumstance. Circumstances are facts without judgment or opinion. Circumstances don’t cause you to feel anything until you attach meaning to them. They include alcohol, food, your body, work, your boss, family members, weather, world events, people, the things that people do, the things that people say, money, time, the past, and the future.

T is your thought about the circumstance. Don’t write down a laundry list of thoughts. Choose one thought and see what it creates for you. Never put a question in this line. If you notice your brain asking a question (e.g., Why did he say that? Why did I screw this up again?), write down what you believe the answer is.

F if the feeling created by the thought. Feelings are one-word emotional states. Happy, sad, mad, lonely, bored, stressed, frustrated, jealous, compassionate, empowered, powerless, shame, etc. Emotions do not include fat, terrible, off, and ugh.

A is the action or inaction driven by the feeling. This is what you do or don’t do when you feel a certain way. If you’re not sure, ask yourself, how am I showing up? Do you worry, catastrophize, ruminate, hide, lash out, stew, pick fights, judge, gossip, complain, second-guess, look for relief, distract, numb, eat, drink, sulk, stop talking, get to work, quit, give up, etc.?

R is the result of taking action. Your result always proves the original thought true. You can only create results for yourself. You can’t create results for other people, and they can’t create results for you.

Write out your unintentional cycle below:

C: T: F: A: R:

UNCOVER YOUR UNINTENTIONAL CYCLE5


EXAMPLES OF THINK-FEEL-ACT CYCLES

C: Friday night at homeT: Everyone else is out having funF: LonelyA: Look for relief and pour a drinkR: I don’t connect with people and

outsource fun to what’s in my glass C: HusbandT: He refuses to open up or connectF: AnnoyedA: Short with him, pick fightsR: I’m not connecting with him

C: WorkT: I’m not good at my jobF: DoubtA: Second-guess myself, worry instead of

taking actionR: I don’t show up as my best self at work

and don’t show what I’m capable of

C: PartyT: I need a drink to have a good timeF: DependentA: Always have a drink at social functionsR: Continue to believe alcohol is a

necessary ingredient for fun. Don’t learn how to have fun on my own.

C: TimeT: There’s never enough time to get

everything doneF: AnxiousA: Fret about how little time I have instead

of taking action, or run around trying to do things as fast as possible and end up exhausted and looking for relief

R: There continues to not be enough time because I’m not using my time wisely or effectively

C: Credit card debtT: I’ll never pay it offF: HopelessA: Hide from statements, creditors, bury

head in sandR: Don’t make meaningful progress when

it comes to paying off debt

C: BodyT: I’m so fatF: ShameA: Avoid looking at self and/or try

incessantly to “fix” flawsR: Keep finding evidence for how my body

doesn’t measure up

C: AlcoholT: People who don’t drink must have a

“problem”F: JudgmentalA: Examine other people’s actions harshlyR: Avoid looking at my own consumption

for fear that it means something negative about me


Now that you can see the full think-feel-act cycle, ask yourself: What’s the upside of keeping this thought? Do you like the way it makes you feel? Are you acting in a way that is helpful or useful? Is it creating the result you want? If not, it’s time to create an intentional cycle.

Without changing the situation, how would you like to feel about it? You can choose any feeling:

Brainstorm at least five thoughts you would need to think in order to create this feeling:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Write out a new intentional cycle using a new thought. Use the same circumstance as before:

C: T: F: A: R:

Does this thought feel believable? Yes or No?

DECIDE HOW YOU WANT TO FEEL6


In all likelihood, your new intentional cycle will be too big of a jump for your brain. That’s okay! Now that you know how you want to feel about the situation, you can see the direction you want to be headed in. You won’t be able to convince your brain to believe a thought that it doesn’t, so don’t try to force things—it won’t work! Instead, start creating believable bridge thoughts to help move you in the right direction.

EXAMPLES OF UNINTENTIONAL AND INTENTIONAL CYCLES

Example #1

UNINTENTIONAL CYCLE

C: Mother-in-lawT: She’s always making little digsF: DefensiveA: Avoid her. Guarded. Have an eagle

eye for any slights. Believe I have her pegged

R: I’m always complaining or making little digs about her to other people

INTENTIONAL CYCLE

C: Mother-in-lawT: Her comments reflect her not meF: CuriousA: Try to figure out what she must be

thinking to act this wayR: Don’t take her actions personally. See

her behavior as a reflection of her own cycle

Example #2

UNINTENTIONAL CYCLE

C: PartyT: This isn’t going to be any funF: AnnoyedA: Think about how I don’t want to go

ahead of time and how I don’t want to be there once I arrive. Am not friendly or making connections once I’m there, spend a lot of time on my phone

R: The party isn’t any fun

INTENTIONAL CYCLE

C: PartyT: I’m choosing to go and can choose to be

fun F: ResponsibleA: Remind myself I’m not here against

my will, look for ways to connect with people and enjoy myself (instead of spinning on thoughts about how I don’t want to be there)

R: Take responsibility for the fun I have


Beware of trying to swap out negative thoughts with positive ones. Nine times out of ten it won’t work. Why? Because your brain will immediately reject them as untrue. You have to start small and move slowly to a new place that both feels better and is believable.

This is where you can start using bridge thoughts. These thoughts bridge the gap between where you are (your unintentional cycle) and where you want to go (your intentional cycle).

If you hate your body, you can’t start loving your body overnight. But you can shift to feeling more neutral about your body. The more neutral thought builds a bridge to your destination.

Unintentional thought: I hate my body. Bridge thought: I have a body. Intentional thought: I love my body.

Bridging to new thoughts requires creativity and brainstorming. This is the part of the think-feel-act cycle that involves trial and error. Like a new shirt, a bridge thought may look good in the store, but when you take it home and try it on again, you might find it doesn’t fit. That’s okay. Just go back to the drawing board.

You can create bridge thoughts in three ways: detaching from the thought, imagining a new possibility, or stripping away the judgment and making it neutral.

EXAMPLES

Unintentional thought: I will never be able to lose my desire to drink.

Detaching: I can’t lose my desire to drink is just a thought that fuels the habit.Possibility: I am becoming a person who doesn’t desire alcohol. Neutral: I sometimes don’t desire a drink.

Unintentional thought: I can’t handle this urge.

Detaching: I can’t handle this urge is just a thought my brain wants me to believe.Possibility: I am open to believing that urges have no authority over me. Neutral: This is what an urge feels like in my body.

BRAINSTORM AND PRACTICE BRIDGE THOUGHTS.7


Once you find one that resonates and feels believable, it’s time to practice! Here are some options.

Writing. Writing hardwires new thoughts in your brain. Choose a couple you want to practice and write them out.

Sticky notes. Post notes where you can see them. On your computer, in your car, on the mirror. When you encounter a note, pause and say the new thought out loud.

Calendar Reminders. Set reminders in your calendar to jog your memory. Type in the new thought you want to practice and set it as an alarm in the Reminders app on your phone.

Backgrounds. You can change the screen background on your phone or computer to remind you of the new thought.

Passwords. Use the first letter of each word in the new thought so you’ll have to be forced to say the new thought in your head every time you type out your password. For example, if the thought you are practicing is “I can handle any feeling in my body,” your password would become “ichafimb.”

Apps. Some apps are designed to help you practice new thoughts. ThinkUp is one example. The app allows you to record new thoughts in your own voice and set reminders.

Now it’s time to practice!

Developing sustained well-being is similar to developing physical strength.

You have to show up, do the work, and push yourself past what you think you’re capable of.

Good luck!

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HOW TO Manage