Marital counseling and infidelity

Marital Counseling and InfidelityConceptualization and Treatment

Brooke Schauder, PhD

Erie Psychology Consortium

Pacific Graduate School of Psychology

Infidelity is often a symptom of another problem, whether it be individual or marital.

Treatment of infidelity incorporates many general marital counseling techniques.

Developing basic communication skills is the first step in the treatment process.

Listening: an attempt to understand, learn from, or

help another. Barriers to Effective Listening

1. Mind Reading (trying to figure out what they “really” think)

2. Rehearsing (deciding how to “come back”)

3. Filtering (only attending to information that supports your argument)

4. Judging (not listening to information opposing your viewpoint)

5. Daydreaming 6. Advising (giving direction rather than

simply hearing another’s view) 7. Sparring (taking on a position to defend

– for “sport”) 8. Derailing (changing the subject or

joking) 9. Placating (agreeing or apologizing for

the sake of ending conflict quickly)

McKay, M. & Fanning, P. (1994). Couple skills

Active Listening Skills

1. Paraphrasing 2. Clarifying 3. Feedback

4. Body listening (eye contact, lean forward, nodding, saying “uh-huh”, smile or frown in sympathy, open arms, open posture, reduce distractions such as TV).

Learning to Build Empathy Everything your partner does is in an

attempt to protect the self – to hold on to pleasure or safety and to minimize pain.

All behaviors, good and bad, are coping strategies he/she has learned in order to survive.

Reversal Strategy

Reinforcement Step 1: Identify and create a list of what

your partner does to please you. (Objective)

Step 2: Exchange lists and provide 3-5 “pleasers” for your partner during that week.

Step 3: Assess pleasure derived from receiving pleasures and learn to identify mutual pleasers.

10 Rules of Communication 1. Avoid judgment words and loaded

terms (“needy”). 2. Avoid global terms and labels (always,

never). 3. Avoid “you” messages. 4. Avoid negative comparisons (not as

good as….) 5. Avoid threats.

6. Describe YOUR feelings. 7. Body language should be open and

receptive. 8. Use Whole messages (including

observations, thoughts, feelings, and desires).

9. Give CLEAR messages, not mixed messages.

10. Avoid OLD HISTORY.

Couples Cognitive Distortions 1. Tunnel Vision: filtering out the positive

aspects of the partner. 2. Assumed intent: mind reading 3. Magnification 4. Global Labeling: pasting a negative tag

on partner. 5. Dichotomizing: seeing partner as all

good or bad.

Cognitive Distortions6. Control Fallacies: A sense of either total

or no control over the relationship.

7. Blaming: Partner is to blame for all relationship problems.

8. Fractured Logic: incomplete logic (he’s looking at her because I’m not sexy)

Couples Time-Out 1) No last words 2) Leave immediately 3) Return after pre-agreed upon amount of

time. 4) Don’t spend the time-out rehearsing

what to say to the partner to continue the argument.

“Monogamy Myth” Frequency of infidelity: 21% to 44% for men

and 11% to 25% for women, based upon definition.

Infidelity is the most singularly identified problem correlated with divorce (%40).

Brings 25% of couples to treatment. Most divorce if affair is within 1st 2 years of

marriage Less than ½, if married > 2 years, divorce if

receiving therapy.

Terms to Avoid Guilty Partner Innocent Partner Mistake Infidel Betrayer Betrayed

USE: “Monogamous”

Partner

Adulterer Unfaithful Faithful Cheater Victim

and “Non-Monogamous”

Overarching Therapeutic Goal Making a choice that involves commitment

to honesty. Realizing that attractions to others are

likely, but by engaging in honest communication, learning to avoid and reduce temptation.

Create a sense of closeness that replaces suspiciousness with trust.

3 Stages of Healing 1) Realizing and Normalizing Feelings –

giving language to feelings 2) Deciding whether to re-commit or end

the relationship 3) Re-building trust

Initial Reactions Self-blame: “I’m not sexy enough.” Anger and Hatred Blame on the relationship (because we

weren’t open enough). Blame the other partner 4 top feelings: 1) devastation 2)

humiliation 3) shame 4) deception

Trauma Reaction Loss of identity,

sense of specialness Loss of self-respect Loss of control over

thoughts (rumination) Loss of fundamental

sense of order/justice

Loss of religious faith Loss of connection

with others Loss of sense of

purpose Loss of will to live

Steps to Re-build Self Image 1) Accepting that the Affair Happened 2) Overcoming Personal Blame 3) Overcoming Secrecy

Obstacles that keep couples from discussing affair.

Belief in basic “code of silence” about affair.

Guilt and shame Protecting partner’s feelings Avoiding conflict Desire to continue affair

Gender Differences More responsibility often lies on a woman. Women often want to save the relationship Men often want to end relationship Women get depressed/ men get angry Women obsess over the affair Men attempt to distract themselves Controversy over how genders respond to

emotional vs. sexual aspects

Homosexual Relationships Common Assumption: Gay men are non-

monogamous while lesbians are.

Recovery 1) Inability to feel safe/secure 2) Inability to function independently 3) Inability to connect emotionally 4) Inability to value the self 5) Inability to express the self 6) Inability to set or accept realistic limits

Sexual Response Arousal and Sexual frequency decline OR

Increase

Therapist can encourage non-sexual touch, such as hugging, hand holding, etc.

Trust Enhancing Behaviors Provide partner with

travel itinerary Limit overnight travel Tell partner when contact

is made with ex-lover Show/tell partner what is

sexually pleasing Spend more time in

foreplay

Compliment Partner Call the partner during

the day Share intimate

feelings/thoughts Talk about future

together Come home for dinner Plane alone time

Forgiveness 1) Forgiveness happens gradually 2) Forgiveness does not mean the absence

of all negative feelings 3) Forgiveness does not condone the

behavior 4) Forgiveness is reciprocal process –

partner must earn 5) Forgive does not mean forget

Recommendations Gordon, K., Baucom, D., Snyder, D.

(2005). Treating couples recovering from infidelity: An integrative approach. JCLP/In Session, 61(11), 1393-1405.

References Vaughan, P. (1989). The monogamy myth. New

York: Newmarket Press. McKay, M., Fanning, P., Paleg, K. (1994).

Couple skills. Making your relationship work. Oakland: New Harbinger.

Abrahms Spring, J. (1996). After the affair. New York: HarperPerennial.

Martell, C.R., Prince, S.E. (2005). Treating infidelity in same sex couples. JCLP/In Session, 61(11), 1429-1438.

Gordon, K., Baucom, D., Snyder, D. (2005). Treating couples recovering from infidelity: An integrative approach. JCLP/In Session, 61(11), 1393-1405.

Linquist, L., Negy, C. (2005). Maixmizing the experiences of an extrarelation affair: an unconventional approach to a common social convention. JCLP/In Session, 61(11), 1421-1428.

Becker, D. V., Sagarin, B.J., Guadagno, R.E., Millevoi, A. Nicastel, L.D. (2004). When the sexes need not differ: Emotional responses to sexual and emotional aspects of infidelity. Personal Relationships, 11, 529-538.

Snyder, D.K. (2005). Treatment of clients coping with infidelity: an introduction. JCLP/In Session, 61(11), 1367-1370.

Snyder, D.K., Doss, B.D. (2005). Treating infidelity: Clinical and ethical directions. JCLP/In Session, 61(11), 1453-1465.

Lusterman, D. (2005). Helping children and adults cope with parental infidelity. JCLP/In Session, 61(11), 1439-1451.

Allen, E.S., Atkins, D.C. (2005). The multidimensional and developmental nature of infidelity: Practical applications. JCLP/In Session, 61(11), 1371-1382.