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ALL RIGHTS RESERVED - MICHAEL HILL 2011
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ASTROGNOME!
EPISODE ONE: CALL OF THE RAZORBEAST
by
Michael Hill
teamastrognome.wordpress.com
1
PROLOGUE - TELEVISION COMMERCIALS – P.O.V. OF DAVIS
There is a black screen for a second.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Brought to you by-
Powerful, yet benevolent music plays. A sleek, industrial-age logo
appears on screen. The form suggests an orb of strength and protection,
like two powerful, muscled arms joining together in a cradling position.
The circular shape incorporates the letters G and C.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Giantcore...For over six ages,
showing you what you need, giving
you what you want...Giantcore...
Trust in our strength.
DAVIS (O.S.)
Pause, Napoleon.
The image of the gleaming logo freezes.
DAVIS (O.S.)
Increase glow Eleven percent.
The ambient light radiating from behind the logo slightly increases.
DAVIS (O.S)
Proceed.
The logo is animated again.
Analysis, Napoleon.
NAPOLEON (O.S.)
(In a somewhat artificial,
yet pleasant tone.)
Confidence...Power...Control.
2
DAVIS (O.S.)
(sighs a little)
Yes, a subtle reminder to us
all. Proceed to next advertisement,
Napoleon.
A doctor in a white lab coat is standing in front of a sterile white
back-drop, looking toward the camera.
DOCTOR
Are your genes stretching a
little thin?
Cut to an interview-style shot of an attractive, twenty-five-year-old
woman in stylish clothes and make-up. A graphic on the bottom of the
screen identifies her as "Cynthia: Looks old."
CYNTHIA
Sometimes...I'll be out with
my daughter...And I can tell,
strangers just look at me and
know...that I'm her mother.
It's embarrassing.
Cut to a black-and-white shot of Cynthia and a teenage girl, about
seventeen-years-old. The two are dressed in similar Barbie-style fashion.
They are having a friendly run-in with someone on the side-walk.
The 'mother' looks awkward and insecure.
Cut back to the doctor addressing the viewer.
DOCTOR
Don't worry anymore, Cynthia.
Cynthia pops into a little box in the bottom right-hand corner of the
doctor's frame. She is looking up at him as if she can see him. She's
listening, interested.
3
DOCTOR
You're absolutely right. If
you're not completely satisfied
with your body, then something is
wrong. You deserve better, and
that's why we at La Patisserie
Medical are so excited. New
advances in gene-therapy have
revolutionized the field. Isn't
that right...Cynthia?
Cynthia in the box disappears. Two smiling teenage girls step onto
screen.
DOCTOR
Whoa howdy, Cynthia--you look
fantastic!
CYNTHIA
Like myself!
DOCTOR
And this fine young lady must
be your daughter?
(motions toward 2nd Girl)
2ND GIRL
(in a voice and accent like
the really old woman on the
show „Golden-Girls‟)
I'm huh muthah!
DOCTOR
(to camera)
Uh oh, guys, get a load of Grandma!
4
DAVIS (O.S.)
Pause, Napoleon.
The figures on screen freeze.
DAVIS (V.O.)
Enhance voice: Mother.
Sixty-five percent sex appeal,
thirty-percent seduction. Apply
mood-template ninety-one: Easy
and Willing.
The frame jumps back a few seconds and plays.
2ND GIRL
(sexy, girlish voice)
I'm her mother...
DOCTOR
(to camera)
Uh oh, guys, get a load of Grandma!
Would you like to learn more? Just
look into the Holotron and say the
words "Lets get real" and my team
of cosmetic specialists will instantly
appear at your door. Order your
treatment within the next ten seconds
and we'll change your cat into a dog,
absolutely free!
A nearly solid block of fine legalese appears on the screen, with no
paragraph breaks, spaces or margins. The print is so tiny, it seems more
like a lens-filter than communication.
DAVIS (O.S.)
It will do, Napoleon. Next ad.
Energetic banjo music plays. A montage of people at a county-fair-type
event begins.
We hear a slight groan from Davis.
5
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
(enthusiastic, folksy
tone)
This Friday through Sunday-
Come on down to the Dresdon
Sector Fair! See the birth of
A real-live Dune-Ape!
The Dune-Apes are stocky humanoids, draped in ragged cloths, much like the
Sand People of Star-Wars. A male Dune-Ape is holding the hand of a female
as she suffers a birthing-contraction. She is laying on some scattered
straw, with her head propped-up against a small, square bale. They are in
an eight-by-eight-foot paneled enclosure. Parents and Grandparents are
meandering by, holding their gawking children by the hand.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Youth Organ Farming competition!
Cut to a ten-year-old boy, proudly clutching a giant, engorged human
liver, the size of a small beach-ball. It pulses slightly. A Blue Ribbon
is pinned on.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
And did we mention the rides?
Experience death itself, come
back different! On the „Flat-Line
Express!‟
Cut to a woman laying unconscious on a medical table with an IV in her
arm. There is a heart-monitor beside her. An oily carnie is observing
the monitor, with one hand on a big lever, similar to the throw-switch of
a roller coaster. A line of people stands waiting.
The commercial is interrupted by a somewhat disgusted Davis.
DAVIS (O.S.)
Good enough. Next ad,
please, Napoleon.
6
A silver-haired, handsome man in a nice suit is sitting in a comfy
business lounge-chair, leaning forward attentively with his hands folded.
He seems to be about sixty years old.
Somewhat seriously, he addresses the camera.
PITCH-MAN
Are you stuck in a rut?
...Tired of compromising
everything?
DAVIS (O.S.)
Napoleon, pause. Identify
product.
NAPOLEON (O.S.)
Product: Unknown.
DAVIS (O.S.)
Hmm? Proceed.
PITCH-MAN
--Relentlessly exploiting the
weaknesses of others? Well,
I have good news.
DAVIS (O.S.)
Napoleon, pause.
PITCH-MAN
There is more to life than
brain-washing children for
Giantcore.
DAVIS (O.S.)
I said pause, Napoloeon.
7
PITCH-MAN
Davis, don't you think?
You're the highest-paid
Astrognome in the galaxy.
You've paved the way for
all of us--really shown
what a slave is-
DAVIS (O.S.)
I am not a slave!
PITCH-MAN
I was going to say "-what
a slave is capable of,” but
you're right, Davis--it's
my mistake. You're just an
Astrognome. You really
aren't built for freedom,
are you?
DAVIS (O.S.)
Delete this nonsense immediately,
Napoleon!
PITCH-MAN
Why, when it comes right down
to it, you're just a big wrench
in someone else's tool-box.
DAVIS (O.S.)
Quiet!
8
PITCH-MAN
Mums the word, my boy. You
already know what you need
to do...if you want that big
promotion you've been dreaming
about.
(starts to laugh)
If you got the guts!
The Pitch Man's laugh gets deeper and deeper. Slowly, his head and body
start to swell like a balloon being inflated. His mouth gets larger and
larger. He is growing into a bloated giant.
Finally, as his laugh becomes monstrously deep, his mouth has expanded to
swallow the entire frame. Then the laugh starts to morph into a hideous
howling sound, almost pain, and a hint of glowing red eyes fade into view
from the depths of stifling blackness.
Davis is startled awake from the nightmare. His forehead is wet with
sweat. He is in a slate-grey, deluxe work-chair, with an ergonomic head-
rest. In front of him is a work-station with several screens queued up to
various advertising media.
His clothing appears professional, yet comfortable. He is slender, pale-
skinned and about thirty-years-old.
Davis takes a breath, stands up, and walks to the window. He pulls back
the shade and looks out across a flat, sun-baked desert.
9
EXT. DESERT SAND DUNES - DAY
ROLL THEME MUSIC
Morty, a little man, is walking through a vast desert, leaving a trail of
foot prints. He is somewhat clumsy, like an accountant caught out in the
elements. A young woman in professional clothing and high-heels trails
behind him.
NARRATOR (V.O)
Eons into the future, the legend of
Earth has long been forgotten. Rampant
war and natural disaster have destroyed
entire civilizations, forever altering
the survivors, who cling to what
remains. A modest group known as the
Astrognomen has found security
throughout these troubled times, under
the service of powerful masters; The
Sand Giants, mysterious beings whose
immensity is only matched by business
savvy. It is for this reason, the Sand
Giants have long-dreaded the return of
an old foe.
CUE TITLE “ASTROGNOME! EPISODE I: CALL OF THE RAZORBEAST”
Morty stops at a small wooden post driven into the sand. There is a log
lying next to it. He picks up the log and swings it down on the post
three times, making a loud knocking sound. We wait a few seconds, the
ground starts shaking, and Morty struggles to keep his balance as an
enormous, bald, Andre-the-Giant-like head slowly rises, billowing out of
the sand in front of him. Morty is about the size of the giant‟s nose.
SAND GIANT
(booming voice)
I was taking a nap!
10
MORTY
I know this, my master. There has
been an incident.
SAND GIANT
Tell me of the incident.
MORTY
Well, master...It seems that one of
the brand Ambassadors-
SAND GIANT
Which campaign?
MORTY
Retro-Style-Incendiaries.
SAND GIANT
Continue.
MORTY
One of the brand Ambassadors was found
dead, Master.
SAND GIANT
This is a staffing issue!
MORTY
But Master, his death was not...
planned for. As far as
we can tell, his expense report was
in order, sales in the department
have risen as predicted by-
SAND GIANT
Get to the point.
11
MORTY
Large portions of his body seem
to be...incredibly separate from
the rest.
SAND GIANT
...Continue.
MORTY
He seems to have been...eaten, master.
SAND GIANT
(growing more grim as description
unfolds)
Continue.
MORTY
Not so much killed out-right, as
„eaten to death.‟
SAND GIANT
Continue.
MORTY
Portions of the lower half were removed
over a period of...days.
SAND GIANT
Continue.
MORTY
The skull was fashioned into a...vessel
from which to drink blood.
SAND GIANT
(becoming enraged)
Continue!
12
MORTY
The scalp appears to have served as a
napkin.
SAND GIANT
Enough! Who else knows of this?
MORTY
Only myself and...the Ambassador's
intern.
Morty motions for a chipper, Legally-Blonde-type girl to step forward.
INTERN
(as if networking)
Hellooo Master, it‟s such a pleasure to
finally meet you, I‟ve always-
The Sand Giant listens for a second, then looks at Morty, while the Intern
is rambling on in a very cheery, yet aggressive, go-getter fashion.
Receiving the Sand Giant‟s look, Morty glances over at the Intern...Then
looks back at the Sand Giant, who opens his mouth in a signifying way...
Morty gets a kind of consenting look on his face as he understands. As
the Intern continues to rattle on about her career, trying to woo the Sand
Giant, Morty motions for her to step closer to it, gently guiding her with
one hand on her back and the other motioning toward the open mouth.
As the Intern continues to speak and get closer, the Sand Giant‟s mouth
remains agape, and the Intern is guided by Morty to stoop a little (to
avoid bumping her head on the top row of teeth) and step into the Sand
Giant‟s gaping maw. The Intern continues to rattle on fairly happily,
maybe with a hint of nervousness peeking, through the speed of her speech,
and a few glances around the inside of the mouth.
13
Finally, the Sand Giant‟s mouth begins to close, and the Intern kind of
has to squat down to accommodate this, but does not stop talking.
Eventually the mouth shuts completely. The Intern does not stop talking,
though her words are now muffled sounding.
Morty looks on, a little disappointed at this unpleasant deed.
INT. BARROOM - EVENING
It‟s a shabby barroom, not too big, not too small. There are a few
working-class-looking guys sitting at tables far in the back of the room.
Watterson is on stage performing with some equipment and a microphone. He
is dressed like a sort of DIY ring-master, in striking, gaudy shades of
blue and yellow. He has a certain child-like sincerity to his face,
though he is in his late-twenties.
Watterson faces the microphone and lets out a drawn-out, agonized
yell/scream. He then turns to punch a button on a cheap drum machine,
prompting an incessant high-tom beat. The tempo is just fast enough to be
annoying, about 85 bpm.
He turns back to the microphone and gives an even higher, more agonizing
yell/scream, sounding something like extremely painful intercourse.
Next, he turns and punches another button on the drum machine, increasing
the tempo to 95 bpm. He accents this by pressing a button that creates a
cheesy-sounding cymbal crash. There is burly jeer from the back of the
barroom. It catches Watterson's attention and he turns to the microphone,
addressing the audience.
WATTERSON
This is Rock and Roll.
Watterson turns and hits another cymbal crash. He then turns back to the
microphone and prepares to scream again.
One guy in the audience, looking quite unimpressed, gets to his feet and
walks over to the stage-front, where there is a small juke-box-like
interface.
14
He puts (the equivalent) of a dollar in and punches a few buttons on the
interface. Suddenly blue and green laser-lights appear on stage around
Watterson. A Cher-like figure emerges from a glittery mist. She is
dressed like an alien Cleopatra. The elaborate intro to a super-club pop
song begins, with shimmery cymbal rolls and atmospherics.
The sound of Watterson‟s performance is cut off, and he is visually over-
ridden by the holographic display. As the beat kicks in, Cher starts
singing in a powerful, ultra-produced voice. She also starts to do some
sexy dance moves, as it becomes obvious that this element is just as
important as the music.
Watterson regards Cher for a moment, as some of the men in back begin
to hoot at her suggestive dancing. After blankly observing this for a few
seconds, and not having exited the stage, Watterson looks back toward the
audience, and awkwardly starts to sway his hips (or a slight pelvic
thrust), as if to mimic Cher‟s suggestive dancing.
Almost instantly, a stout old barkeep hustles out from side-stage and
shoves Watterson away.
EXT. OUTSIDE BARROOM - NIGHT
We now see the outside of the bar, with the „Holotron‟ music from inside
still audible, though muffled. It has the feel of a full-moon at
midnight. It's a dusty, dirty little outpost, with not much else around.
A man stumbles out of the front door, the same man who played the Cher
song. He stumbles around the front and turns the corner to the side of
the building, drunkenly mumbling to himself a little.
He walks a short distance, stops, then turns to lean against the wall. He
begins to urinate on the base of the wall, with one arm held straight out,
high against the wall with his hand spread out and palm flat against it,
supporting himself.
Just above head-level or so, taped to the brick wall is a cheap-looking
flyer for Watterson's performances, “The Amazing Earth Show: Music in the
Tradition of Ancient Earth, with your host Watterson,” with a photo.
15
We see a view of the man's top half as he continues to urinate. Then his
body seems to start inching away from the wall, even though he hasn‟t
changed position, and still appears to be leaning heavily with his arm,
which is no longer in contact with the wall.
We then see that he is leaning against thin air. Slowly he starts to
float up and away from the wall.
The man seems to notice something is odd when his stream of urine passes
over Watterson's flyer, dousing it. He kind of squints his eyes, as he
continues to float upward. He seems to wake a little from his mumbling,
and we hear a slight exclamation. There is a hint of emerald green,
strobing light beginning to emanate from off-screen, reflected off the
man‟s clothing.
EXT. DESERT DUNES - HOME OF SAND GIANT – DAY
Morty is once again swinging the log down onto the post three times. The
Sand Giant‟s head rises from the sand.
The Sand Giant and Morty just look at each other for a moment.
SAND GIANT
Do not tell me there has been yet
another incident!
MORTY
(solemnly nods)
Master, I thought you might wish to
meet one of our most successful
Holotron entertainers, the 'Beast
Hunter.'
Morty motions for the Beast Hunter to step forward. He is a rugged,
masculine man with a Tom-Selleck-like charm. He is outfitted for
adventure.
BEAST HUNTER
Greetings, Master. May I be of
service?
16
SAND GIANT
(laughs heartily)
Morty, remove this clown.
Morty motions as if to explain.
The Beast Hunter‟s charming expression falls away. He motions for Morty to
be silent, then addresses the Sand Giant in a stern, declarative tone.
BEAST HUNTER
The beast hunts by stealth...An
ambush predator, which feeds solely
on your Astrognomen servants. It
has telepathic and telekinetic
powers, and can transport itself
through space at will. It will
strike again in exactly thirty-seven
hours...Ask me where.
Morty looks apologetically toward the Sand Giant, embarrassed by the Beast
Hunter‟s moxy.
SAND GIANT
(pauses, stares poker-faced)
Morty, get some Giantcore branding
on this man‟s costume...If he does
succeed, the galaxy must see that
it was the Sand Giants...who finally
put an end...to the dreaded
Razorbeast.
Morty and the Beast Hunter seem relieved and enthusiastic.
EXT. DESERT DUNES - MARKETING DEPARTMENT - DAY
There is an arena-sized mechanical orb, not unlike the Death-Star, parked
on rolling tracks, sitting in a somewhat flatter, less scenic desert
landscape than the home of the Sand Giants.
17
The Beast Hunter pounds on the outside with his palm. A little slot opens
up at eye level, but it‟s too dark to see who or what is looking out. The
Beast Hunter cautiously peers in, a little confused and intimidated.
BEAST HUNTER
Is this Marketing?
The slot slams shut. There is the obligatory three-second delay of
uncertainty, then a big bay door starts to crank down a little to the side
of the Beast Hunter. Big gears are clunking away, not lending a great
impression.
The Beast Hunter cautiously steps up the walkway.
INT. MARKETING DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY
To our surprise, the inside is pure white bliss. There is a twenty-foot-
wide, white-tiled hallway, with white and ivory shaded walls. The hallway
stretches off infinitely into the distance. Light seems to glow from the
walls, completely illuminating every detail, though it has an extremely
soft quality, with no hard shadows. The decor is restrained and tasteful.
Paintings hang on the walls with plenty of space in-between. There‟s a
vase on a little table every thirty feet or so. Serene, ambient music is
softly playing.
The footsteps of the Beast Hunter‟s boots echo as he walks down the
hallway, peering around curiously.
The Beast Hunter proceeds down the hallway, coming to a slightly larger
painting than the rest. From a distance, it appears to have beautiful
hues of green.
The Beast Hunter stops to examine the painting more closely. In it, there
is a figure walking through woods. Upon a closer view, we see that it is
a young woman, strolling along the bank of a smoothly flowing stream.
There are beautiful spring flowers and trees all around.
18
The woman is dressed daintily, like a Romantic Victorian era vision. Her
dress is elaborate and beautiful. She is leaning an ornate, ivory colored
umbrella back over her shoulder. She has milky white skin, an adorable
face, and rich, chocolate colored locks of hair hanging down. On her
cheek is a perfectly placed freckle.
She seems to be looking directly into the eyes of the viewer, with her
head slightly turned from her direction of travel, as if noticing. She is
giving a loving smile.
We are getting progressively closer views of the woman. We now see a bit
more of the texture of her skin and dress-material.
As we get closer, there begins to be a three-dimensional feel to her
figure, almost as if she were alive.
We finally get an extremely close-up view of her upper torso and face.
She now appears completely real, much to the Beast Hunter‟s amazement. He
has been drawn-in by, hypnotized by this vision.
She is a clearly a living woman, but remains frozen, motionless. She is
smiling directly into the Beast Hunter‟s eyes. He stares back, transfixed.
She suddenly moves her arm slightly, raising it. She holds up a little
branded box. She poses with the box beside her cheek, like a classic 50‟s
sponsor girl.
WOMAN IN THE PAINTING
(whispers, as if to a lover)
Always clean...Always Giantcore...
The Beast Hunter has a sort of confused, longing look on his face. He
slowly reaches out, as the woman seems to be almost within touching
distance.
Suddenly he is jolted out of the vision, startled by a man who has
appeared behind and slightly beside him.
DAVIS
Break!
19
BEAST HUNTER
(stunned)
What happened?
DAVIS
(coolly regards him for a
moment)
Those who look too deeply are forever
changed...The purchase has already
been made...inside.
BEAST HUNTER
Advertising? What was in the box?
DAVIS
Feminine Wipes...Giantcore brand, of
course.
The Beast Hunter has a kind of a lost, stunned look on his face, turning
into a question.
DAVIS
At your local Giantmart.
The Beast Hunter‟s unspoken question has been answered.
DAVIS
You are the „Beast Hunter‟?
BEAST HUNTER
(snapping out of his
vulnerable state and back
to a macho air)
Yeah, that‟s me.
DAVIS
I understand you may be in
the public eye soon?
BEAST HUNTER
That‟s right.
20
DAVIS
Well then, let‟s make you a part of
the Giantcore brand.
Davis smiles and puts a hand on the Beast Hunter‟s shoulder, leading him
away.
INT. MARKETING DEPARTMENT - THE BRANDING ROOM
Davis and the Beast Hunter are in a white room, a little like a lab or
doctor‟s office.
The Beast Hunter is standing with his arms spread out, as wide, blue laser
lights from a machine in the ceiling scan his body and clothing.
DAVIS
Recommendations, Napoleon?
Napoleon is a computer interface and artificial intelligence. He is
similar to HAL in 2001: A Space Odyssey, but much more pleasant.
NAPOLEON
Recommend Saturation Level:
Eighty-Seven percent.
DAVIS
Nature?
NAPOLEON
Lifestyle Insecurity...Sexual
Inadequacy...Incontinence...
Potato Chips.
DAVIS
Well done, as always Napoleon.
(proudly pats the interface)
Proceed with Branding, full-spread,
context template...Fourteen stroke
Seven stroke....Um...Say,
Mister Hunter?
21
BEAST HUNTER
Yes?
DAVIS
It would help if I knew a bit more
about the nature of this upcoming
event.
BEAST HUNTER
Well, I‟ll tell you what I can.
DAVIS
Wonderful. I take it you will be
„hunting a beast‟?
BEAST HUNTER
That‟s right.
DAVIS
And presumably capturing or killing
said beast?
BEAST HUNTER
Mm-Hm.
DAVIS
And this will be of some relief to
the public?
BEAST HUNTER
Yes...This will be our best
episode by far.
DAVIS
Really? Even more thrilling
than spearing the last living
Rainbow Sprite on the third moon
of Flabilia?
BEAST HUNTER
You watch the show!
22
DAVIS
Indeed. I admit I am a fan. As a
man of Marketing...I see the appeal
of the chase...thrill of the
hunt...of the kill.
BEAST HUNTER
Then you really won‟t want to
miss this one.
DAVIS
Oh! What beast is it? Please! I
must know!
BEAST HUNTER
Well...Since you are a fan...Have
you ever heard the old legend of how
the Sand Giants came to this planet?
DAVIS
It was a hostile take-over,
was it not? Involving an enormous
tax-lien...on the original
inhabitants, the Dune-Apes.
BEAST HUNTER
Yes, we‟ve all been told the story of
the Great Lien and Blanket Sale, but
have you ever heard another story?
DAVIS
...Yes. Some think the Sand Giants
were driven here...Threatened,
pursued.
BEAST HUNTER
Hiding.
23
DAVIS
Yes!...But...It cannot be true
...Not...The Razorbeast?! It‟s
only a myth!...Meant to scare
children!
BEAST HUNTER
(smiles, winking)
Catch you next season?
DAVIS
(clears throat, regains
cool)
Indeed. Now...During your filming,
will you be brandishing any sort
of...special equipment?
BEAST HUNTER
Oh yeah, I had to order something
made special just for this.
The Beast Hunter reaches over his back to a holster, pulling out an
enormous sci-fi rifle, similar to the big, fat blaster-rifles in the
„Alien‟ films.
DAVIS
You will shoot the beast?
BEAST HUNTER
Hah! You‟d think so, but you can‟t
just shoot a Razorbeast. They can
read your mind. They can disappear
in the blink of an eye. Conventional
weapons are useless...No...This is a
Confusion Ray.
24
DAVIS
Yes! I‟ve seen this technology...
Highly secret...But it has been
successfully implemented into the
advertising of many Giantcore
products...Oh, but, I won‟t bore you
with „shop-talk.‟
BEAST HUNTER
That‟s okay. We all do it.
DAVIS
So you will confuse the beast to
death? Is that it?
BEAST HUNTER
Silly, isn‟t it? That‟s the only
way to kill it...You only get one
shot...hit it with the Confusion
Ray, it blinks out, all crazy,
liable to pop up anywhere, inside a
mountain, into space, who knows,
maybe right into another dimension,
and boom, no more Razorbeast. But
here‟s the trick-
DAVIS
Yes?
25
BEAST HUNTER
If I were to think even the
slightest bit about my plan when the
Razorbeast is near, it would know
instantly, and vanish....like that!
(snaps finger)
So I have to be a little confused
myself. I have to wear this.
(holds up a ring shaped
device to be placed on
head)
This is to keep me distracted...
Just enough to camouflage my
intentions...But when I see the
Razorbeast... my instincts kick in,
over-power the effects, and I take
the shot.
DAVIS
Amazing...But where?-
BEAST HUNTER
Ah, ah, ah. I‟ve already told you
too much...Uh...What‟s your name?
DAVIS
Davis.
BEAST HUNTER
Davis, you‟re just going to have to
watch the show.
DAVIS
Of course!
(nods in good-humored
agreement)
Uh...Shall we get on with branding
your costume then? I‟ll just set
this...
26
Davis carefully takes the Confusion Ray from the Beast Hunter and sets it
to the side.
DAVIS
Right, then...Napoleon, secure.
Big clamps come down from the ceiling and secure the Beast Hunter‟s arms
and legs.
BEAST HUNTER
What the?-
DAVIS
Yes?
BEAST HUNTER
If you‟re just putting ads on my
clothes, uh why-
DAVIS
Oh, the clamps, you mean? They are
simply to secure your body....Avoid
mistakes as the branding is
applied...This is a precision
operation, after-all.
BEAST HUNTER
Right.
DAVIS
Napoleon, proceed with branding.
Several blue lasers start sweeping over the Beast Hunter‟s body from
above, applying race-car-like advertising to his fedora and clothing.
DAVIS
Say, Mister Hunter?
BEAST HUNTER
Yes?
27
DAVIS
I really am such a fan. I would so
much appreciate knowing, even what
the back-drop of this amazing
achievement will be...
Just...Something for me to dream
about, I suppose, to visualize, in
anticipation of the episode. I
spend most of my time here in the
marketing department...Your exploits
seem so fantastic to me. I would be
so grateful.
BEAST HUNTER
(pauses for a second,
seriously considering
giving in)
No. Sorry. I can‟t compromise
the show like that. The details
must stay secret.
DAVIS
(regards him for a
moment)
Yes, I see. Say, Napoleon?
The Branding Rays halt.
NAPOLEON
What is your requirement, Master
Davis?
DAVIS
Well, Napoleon, I require you to
increase saturation levels to
Five-Hundred percent.
BEAST HUNTER
Davis, is that?-
28
DAVIS
Napoleon, proceed with branding.
The Branding Rays seem to move faster, starting to saturate even more of
the Beast Hunter‟s clothing with advertisements.
BEAST HUNTER
(looking down at his
body)
I don‟t think-
DAVIS
Napoleon, remove safety protocols,
authorization Davis One-Three-Six-
BEAST HUNTER
Davis, what are you!-
DAVIS
Engage.
BEAST HUNTER
The Beast Hunter screams in pain as advertisements are burned into his
skin by the rays, beginning to cover him like some hideous disease.
DAVIS
Napoleon, pause.
The rays halt.
Mister Hunter, a fan of the show has
a question...
BEAST HUNTER
You...You‟re crazy!
DAVIS
Oh, yes, but I am quite good at my
job, am I not?
29
BEAST HUNTER
What?
DAVIS
Marketing, Mister Hunter. In fact,
I believe it may be time I get that
promotion. Napoleon, increase
Saturation level to nine-hundred
percent and proceed.
The Branding Rays begin again, even more intensely. The Beast Hunter
screams as he is completely tattooed with garish, multi-colored
advertising, which is getting smaller and more intricate with each pass.
DAVIS
Where is the Razorbeast Mister
Hunter? Can it be controlled?
The Beast Hunter looks as if he wants to say something, but can‟t.
DAVIS
Pause, Napoleon. Something to say
Mister Hunter? I don‟t mind if we
„talk-shop.‟...Don‟t worry...I won‟t
tell a soul.
The Beast Hunter motions toward his satchel. Davis removes a folded piece
of paper and unfolds it. It‟s a flyer for Watterson‟s “Amazing Earth
Show.”
BEAST HUNTER
It chooses its victims from the
audience.
DAVIS
Interesting, but why?
BEAST HUNTER
The sound-recorder...
30
Davis pulls the sound recorder out of the satchel and presses play. A
sound very similar to Watterson‟s awful music plays, causing Davis to
cringe.
DAVIS
What is this?
BEAST HUNTER
It‟s called „Rock and Roll.‟ Music
of ancient Earth-times. The
performer is a specialist in the
field. He performs the traditional
music of Earth at his shows.
DAVIS
How unpleasant. The point?
BEAST HUNTER
Play the next file.
Davis plays the sound recorder, which again plays similar jarring sounds.
DAVIS
Enough! You‟re wasting my time,
Mister Hunter.
BEAST HUNTER
That wasn‟t music.
DAVIS
I quite agree.
BEAST HUNTER
That was the only known recording of
a Razorbeast...The call of the
Razorbeast...The mating call.
DAVIS
Ohhhh! I see, I see, I see. You‟ve
found what turns him on! Ahhhh,
marketing truly is universal!
31
BEAST HUNTER
Let me go!
DAVIS
Ohhh, but all this effort you‟ve put
me through...Really does work up a
hunger.
(points to an ad seared
into the Beast Hunter‟s
forehead)
And this one here really is striking
my fancy...Potato Chips...Gigantos
brand! Really an easy sell--they
are tasty.
BEAST HUNTER
Davis!
DAVIS
Napoleon, let‟s go ahead and tweak
this one a bit. These chips are so
very sellable, and I‟d love to see
what the Gigantos brand would look
like at say, Twenty-Five...Thousand
percent saturation, engage!
The Branding Rays go crazy and the Beast Hunter screams.
INT. MARKETING DEPARTMENT - DAVIS‟S STUDY - NIGHT
The room is fairly dark. Davis is at his desk, working on something under
lamp-light, softly humming to himself. He has the Confusion Ray sitting
in front of him, and an Encyclopedia open next to it. The page shows a
drawing of a piano keyboard.
Placing the pieces carefully with a large pair of tweezers, Davis is
pasting black and white construction-paper onto the top of the rifle. The
pieces are cut to resemble piano keys, and it‟s starting to resemble a
crude keyboard, at least from a distance.
32
Suddenly he pops a Gigantos brand potato chip into his mouth and chews it
crunchily, as he continues to work contently into the night.
INT. BARROOM - AFTERNOON
The stout old barkeep is doing some paper-work at one of the tables.
Watterson is across the room sweeping the floor. The only sound is the
shuffling of papers, sweeping of the broom, and a clunky ceiling fan,
which softly thuds against something once per revolution.
Suddenly the front doors are pushed open. Light from outside illuminates
the dim room. The barkeep turns and looks toward the door, holding his
hand up to block the harsh rays of sunlight.
A dark profile is standing in the doorway. As the figure slowly comes
into focus, we notice it appears to have the long, flowing, oily perm of
the late Rick James.
The figure stands for a second...Then slowly walks toward the barkeep,
footsteps clunking on the old wooden floor. The figure takes a moment to
swish one side of his hair back from his face. He looks down at the
barkeep, who is calmly regarding whatever is happening (He‟s been around.)
Davis is in a slightly ridiculous outfit, as if a 1950‟s butcher had seen
a photo of Jimi Hendrix at Woodstock, and tried to replicate the style,
ending up in more of a Halloween costume.
Watterson stops sweeping, takes a step and looks curiously from across the
room, like a five-year-old boy noticing a clown from across the street.
Davis has cartoonishly altered the tone of his voice, but oddly retains
the same vocabulary, since this insight is lost on him.
DAVIS
Pardon me sir, I am a Rock and
Roller... looking for a place to
preserve my fruit.
Watterson peers curiously from across the room.
33
BARKEEP
Get lost. This guy‟s bad enough.
(motions toward Watterson)
DAVIS
(to Watterson, across
room.)
You, Sir. Do you Rock and Roll?
The Barkeep raises his hand to cut off Watterson‟s eager response.
BARKEEP
Listen up buddy...Either that or buy
a drink.
(in a harsh whisper, as
Watterson goes back to
sweeping)
I only let this clown on my stage
because people have to pay to shut
him up. Holotron revenue hit the
roof on the very first night. I got
a good thing goin‟ here, plus he
sweeps up.
DAVIS
I see...Well...Then...Truly, this
man must not be rocking. Rock and
Roll is meant to be the purist
expression of one‟s inner
feelings, which are innately
identified with by the listener-
BARKEEP
Get out.
DAVIS
Well! Some simply do not
understand art!
Davis turns and stomps toward the door.
34
BARKEEP
Wait.
(rattling fingers on
the table, balancing
a decision.)
Lemme‟ hear it.
INT. BARROOM - AFTERNOON
Davis is standing in front of the Barkeep and Watterson. He‟s brandishing
the Confusion Ray, which is disguised as his keyboard. There is a strap
attached to each end, slung back around his shoulders and neck. The
„keyboard‟ hangs down level at his mid-section.
Davis is nervously fiddling with the device. The barkeep remains seated
at the table, but with his chair turned to face Davis. Watterson is
beside the barkeep, leaning on his broom a little.
Davis finally collects himself, takes a deep breath and exhales. He
fiddles with some switches on the gun, flipping one. The gun makes a
kind of ascending, whining sound, as it hums to life. A row of green
lights start to blink on the side, like a router slowly performing the
different levels of connection, until all five lights are solidly on. The
high-pitched whine of the gun levels out, quieting down a little.
Suddenly Davis starts vocalizing in an awful way, with the occasional,
poorly-timed stomp of a foot. The „music‟ is as bad as Watterson‟s, but
worse really, because the sounds are more percussive, animalistic, like
the territorial-display of a giant, mentally-challenged chipmunk.
After a few seconds, we cut to the reaction of the two onlookers. The
barkeep is nodding in agreement with himself. His suspicion that this
„art‟ would turn out to be even more hideous than Watterson‟s has been
proven correct in a matter of seconds. Watterson has a kind of awe-struck
look on his face, neither too positive or negative, but definitely
hopeful, and in recognition that something amazing is happening; he is no
longer alone.
35
INT. BARROOM - MEN‟S ROOM - LATE AFTERNOON
Davis is on his knees, miserably scrubbing the inside of a filthy toilet.
The door peeks open behind him. It‟s Watterson.
WATTERSON
What‟s your name?
DAVIS
Harley...Davison.
(goes back to scrubbing)
WATTERSON
I‟m Watterson.
DAVIS
Yes, charmed.
WATTERSON
So...You‟ve seen the Spirit too?
DAVIS
...Mm-Hm.
WATTERSON
I knew it! I‟m not the only one...
I recognize your music...And your
instrument, can I see it?
Watterson walks toward the Confusion Ray/Keyboard, which is propped
against a nearby wall. He leans over to examine it.
DAVIS
No...No, don‟t touch that...We
wouldn‟t want to...anger the spirits,
would we?
WATTERSON
So it is a gift from the Spirit!
36
DAVIS
Of course, it is...Say...Where did
you learn of this...sound you make?
WATTERSON
(admitting a secret, he
whispers)
Well, I‟m...just a custodian...
DAVIS
Mmm, you don‟t say?
WATTERSON
...But I found something...
FLASHBACK SEQUENCE BEGINS
WATTERSON (V.O)
One of the Sand Giants was sick.
A small crew stands near the Sand Giant‟s head, which is protruding from
the sand. A couple doctors in lab coats are examining it. The Sand Giant
appears very limp and unhappy.
WATTERSON (V.O.)
We were cleaning.
Watterson is on a step-ladder, dressed in a white utility jumpsuit. He is
scrubbing around the Sand Giant‟s ear with a brush on a long wooden
handle, like a window cleaner.
Suddenly he notices something as he‟s gazing into the ear canal. A softly
pulsating green light is emanating from inside.
He tries to get a better look...Then reaches in...A little at first, and
then sticks his whole arm inside the ear, reaching around blindly, with
his head turned to the side. He seems to find something, and gently tugs
on it, pulling it out.
37
Much to his amazement, in his hand is something like a little puppy,
curled into a ball. It‟s still very young, and the eyes are shut.
Protruding from its forehead is the outline of a little green triangle,
which floats just above the skin, as if held by an invisible spring.
As Watterson holds the creature in his hands, it seems for a second to
open its beady little red eyes and look up at him.
Suddenly one of the doctors startles him, having walked up to the ladder
from below.
DOCTOR
Watterson!
At the instance the doctor shouts at Watterson, the little triangle lights
up on the puppy‟s forehead, flashing Emerald Green. The creature flickers
for a moment, phasing in and out, then vanishes.
Cut to Watterson later that evening, gazing up at the stars.
WATTERSON (V.O.)
Ever since then-
A green point of light is floating by in the sky above Watterson, as he
watches amazed. It kind of softly bobs up and down as it passes by, fairly
high-up in the night sky, but noticeably brighter than the distant stars.
WATTERSON (V.O.)
I‟ve found things...Gifts.
Cut to Watterson waking up in his bed from a night‟s sleep. There is a
beaten up old electric guitar laying on his chest, much to his amazement.
He props himself up, examining it and getting a big, goofy, excited smile.
Cut to Watterson walking along a path outdoors, and he comes to a big
tree. Leaning against the base of the tree is a large, cheap-looking old
framed silk-screen of a chubby, 1970‟s Elvis holding a microphone. Cut to
Watterson hanging it proudly on his bedroom wall.
38
WATTERSON (V.O.)
It‟s an ancient Earth-Spirit...
Showing me how great Earth was...
Maybe someday it can go back, and
take me too..sometimes...I hear it
calling...
This is very magical to Watterson. We see him in his pajamas, opening his
bedroom window in the middle of the night. He‟s looking out into the
darkness, searchingly. Fading in from the distance, we hear the eerie call
of the Razorbeast, mingling with the howling winds over the dunes.
WATTERSON (V.O.)
It inspires me...
Back to the Men‟s Room. Davis has become very attentive to this story.
DAVIS
I, too, have heard the Spirit.
EXT. BARROOM - EVENING
Customers are filing into the front door.
INT. BARROOM - STAGE - EVENING
The Barkeep is on stage, at the microphone.
BARKEEP
Alright folks, you know what time
it is.
There are a few mumbles and a groans from the back. The barkeep continues
as if reading a scripted card for the thousandth time.
39
BARKEEP
That‟s right--it‟s the Amazing Earth
Show, the musical tradition of a
long lost empire, painstakingly
restored by experts in the field for
your entertainment pleasure tonight.
Using actual artifacts from ancient
Earth, please welcome Watterson
and...special guest, tonight,
Harley...Davison! Now, let‟s Rock
and Roll!
A few murmurs are heard from the crowd.
Meanwhile, side-stage, Davis is double-checking his Confusion Ray/keyboard
and hurriedly trying to activate the crown-like Self-Confuser, which is
concealed under his wig. This makes Davis‟s head look strangely swollen.
Just as the Barkeep is calling them to the stage, Davis manages to switch
on the device, which has an immediate, off-putting effect, shown by his
confused looking around, as if lost.
Watterson is already on stage and starts up the drum machine, that
incessant, tribal beat. Davis is slowly making his way onto the stage,
with an increasingly nervous look in his eyes. He‟s looking around the
room...It‟s just possible he suffers from stage-fright.
We see Davis‟s point of view for a moment. He‟s scanning the audience and
dark recesses of the room, on the look-out.
Watterson looks over at him and smiles enthusiastically. Davis remembers
to pretend he is performing and starts to fiddle with his „keyboard.‟
Davis is getting kind of worked-up and increasingly nervous, with beads of
sweat trickling down his forehead under the hot stage-lights. He almost
looks prodded when Watterson begins his terrible vocal part, which is
nearly identical to the call of the Razorbeast, heard earlier on the Beast
Hunter‟s sound recorder.
40
Davis is starting to look like a frightened, desperate animal. He‟s in
way over-his-head and getting more and more jumpy.
As the horrible music continues, Davis starts to lose it, and as Watterson
increases the drum tempo and begins another howling vocal, Davis does lose
it. He starts to let out a kind of slowly building yell, in a primal
panic and terror. He‟s wide-eyed, staring directly into the eyes of the
audience.
Suddenly the music stops, but Davis‟s yell continues and then dies down
awkwardly in the unnaturally silent barroom. The audience is staring at
the stage, frozen.
Suddenly the entire audience screams in terror and panic, practically
running over top of each other to get out of the room. At this, Davis
snaps all-together and whips the Confusion Ray/keyboard into firing
position, swinging the barrel around from side to side, up and down, in
the direction of the fleeing audience. He‟s looking for the thing he
wants to shoot, finger shaking on the trigger, but seeing nothing.
This is when we notice the sound of deep, heavy breathing.
Watterson has turned to face something that is standing just behind the
two on stage. Towering over them is the grizzly-bear-like shape of the
Razorbeast. The details are difficult to make out, as it is standing
mostly out of the glare of the stage-lights, which are focused on
Watterson and Davis. The glowing, red eyes of the Razorbeast are visible
as it peers down at them, uncomfortably close.
Watterson seems not to show any fear, being simply amazed and wide-eyed.
Davis pauses for a second, then lets out a terrible war-cry, swinging the
barrel of the Confusion Ray in the direction of the Razorbeast.
For a second, we see a close-up of the Razorbeast‟s face as it lets out a
thunderous roar. The emerald-green triangle on its forehead is suddenly
flashing like a strobe-light.
Just then, our vision is obscured by all the confusion, and we hear the
firing of the Confusion Ray.
41
END OF EPISODE ONE
NEXT EPISODE: PATH OF THE RAZORBEAST
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