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A conversation with licensed psychologist and parenting strategist, Tricia Ferrara about her new book, Look Both Ways, in which she examines the deepening responsibility of raising children in a world marked by perpetual crisis, and provides parents with a blueprint for connecting to, and guiding, children in an impactful way.
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PARENT WITH POSSIBILITY IN UNCERTAIN TIMES
Author Q+A: Tricia Ferrara, LOOK BOTH WAYS
In Look Both Ways: 9 Evolutionary Parenting Principles, licensed professional counselor and parenting strategist Tricia Ferrara, MA, examines the deepening responsibility of raising children in a world marked by perpetual crisis, and provides parents with a blueprint for connecting to, and guiding, children in an impactful way. Over the next several months, she will be participating in book signings and presentations in and around Philadelphia with the intent of getting “necessary” information into parents’ hands and making a difference in kids’ lives NOW. Though every generation has its struggles, today’s families have an even greater financial and social burden, and increased performance expectations in every area of life. Add in over-‐ (and overly early) exposure to sexual content, volatile politics, superstorms, a technology surge, and
random acts of violence… It’s hard for anyone to sustain a sensation of being grounded, or being empowered. With a norm of two-‐income families, also playing a role in the time we get with our kids, addressing issues, large or small, on a meaningful level is harder than ever. Whether you’re a parent, an aunt or uncle, grandparent, teacher, medical practitioner or caregiver, this is a book you’ll want to tune into.
What prompted you to write this book? When I initially started my practice, it was clear to me that many of the more difficult cases coming in were the result of parents not really understanding childhood development. Their responses were making situations worse, and I realized they needed help minimizing problems, rather than what I saw them doing, which was amplifying them. Parents also started bringing new issues in that even professionals were just beginning to wrap their heads around—I started a workshop called “Parents in the Know,” where parents could come in, ask questions and take notes, and explore new ways of connecting to their kids through the good, the bad and the ugly. They were hungry for information, and I was eager to get it to them.
What are the most important messages that you hope readers will take away? 1) The role that parents play in a child’s life is critical. Despite competition for their attention and influence, parents still leave the most lasting impression. Hold onto that and feel empowered. 2) Our changing environment demands that children be equipped differently psychologically, mentally and emotionally than they have been in the past. 3) Children need to have a good script when the chips are down, more valuable than knowing what to do when things are good. 4) More than stopping bad behavior, cultivate what you want to see in your children when they launch into the world. Have you spoken to your own parents about how parenting has changed over the years? I have, but in stilted way. It’s hard for them to comprehend that today’s kids have power. Times were different; there was very little competition for kids’ attention. Adults didn’t really even talk to kids; certainly not exploring what they thought. And, there were no marketing campaigns aimed at children making them feel like they “rock.” What do you think kids are looking for in terms of guidance and support? This varies by to age, but generally, it’s listening. Not judging, but guiding. By doing this, parents can help children uncover and articulate internal emotions. This is essential, because many kids stay quiet about things that are bothering them and act out instead. Helping, without pushing them to put words to what they’re feeling, is a life-‐long investment. Whether you’re 4 or 40, if you can control your internal experience, you can better control you external experience. What are the biggest issues parents present to you at your practice? Probably the biggest challenge is that children do not respond to them the way they responded to their parents. This can leave them feeling fearful, and like their family or children are out of control. The good news is that these contemporary parenting challenges—teaching kids to reflect, helping them cultivate resilience, and inspiring critical thinking—will prepare kids for the world that awaits them. We are being called on to parent with language and concerns that past generations never heard of or imagined...but it can be done. How do you think TV, 24/7 news exposure, mobile technology, economics, etc., are impacting children's behavior? Outside factors have and will continue to influence children’s behavior; in the same way they influence adults’. The difference is that adults have more life experience to better make sense of these and adapt. Kids are still trying to figure things out, especially what will gain them acceptance and what is acceptable—two very different things. If the adults in charge do not deliberately counter random, exploitive messaging, kids will pick up what they’re being exposed to, as behavioral cues. As for mobile technology, it’s difficult to say what the verdict will be on our kids; the generation who will most
impacted is just coming of age now— kids who were given devices as pre-‐adolescents. The most significant thing I am seeing with kids and mobile technology is that it behaves like a drug dealer, doling out little hits of reward that interfere with what would otherwise be a brilliant mind’s ability to reflect, and to concentrate and critically think about what is going on around them. Whether these competencies are recoverable is hard to say. How did you use the information and stories, gleaned while working with parents in your practice, to build out the 9 principles? Oddly enough it was simple: Almost without exception every adult case I encountered had a story that contained an event or belief that transformed into a growth obstacle, and that essentially ran the show for decades. The outcome: adults relying on childhood coping mechanisms to navigate their evolving life situations. Helping adults and children gain a clearer understanding of how a life can go off track, or how a person becomes limited in terms of their overall potential, is how the core elements came about. My conversations with parents made it clear, which elements needed to be crystallized in order to learn something new and grow. How does modern pacing impact families, and by proxy, children and teens? Pace is everything. In the book I highlight pace as a core consideration when working with kids. Real learning takes time; ignoring the pace at which we live our lives has a profound impact on outcomes for our children. Additionally, speed creates a feeling of being “stressed” and out of control. Being in control of the pace of your life is a fundamental requirement to wellbeing. Kids who never experience the sense of “being in charge” of their schedule are at very high risk for all kinds of maladies. Increased stress also has a direct, measurable correlation to a rise in problems. What do you think parents could do better in relation to their children? To borrow a phrase, I’d say, “lean in” to their future. Be aware of the enormous power we have on how our children’s lives unfold. Think beyond your own childhood experience and relate to theirs. It’s also crucial to get beyond the metric that says, “I turned out OK,” just because you have a job and avoided jail, teenage pregnancy or any other “standard” derailing life happening. With all our children are exposed to these days, they must get in tune with who they want to be later in life, and align their behavior with their goals. Relationships will require more than just a wedding ring, mental health will matter, and getting a job will morph into creating a skill set with value. This is why core principles that contribute to growth, and that teach kids to anticipate a rollercoaster ride, will be life-‐saving and life-‐giving.
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