WHEN FOOLS WAS - NOE VALLEY VOICE

W H E N F O O L S W A STwin Peaks Erupt!Hundreds Flee Lava Flow

By Paula Pompeinini

At 2:47 a.m. (WST) April I, San Fran-cisco’s dual mini-mountains, collec-

tively called Twin Peaks, erupted in ablinding flash of flame and ash.

Agigantic basin of molten lava spewedfrom the long-dormant mountains, carv-ing deep scars through the Twin Peaksand Noe Valley neighborhoods. By thetime you read this, thousands of Noe Val-ley families will already know about it.

“When I heard the explosion, I justthought it was my ears poppin’,” said lo-cal newscaster Jack Tipple, as he salvageda pair of New Balance jogging shoes fromthe rubble that was once his home.

Amazingly, there were no casualties.But the flow was so swift and unex-pected, six people waiting outside LittleItaly were permanently “ensconced” inlava, reported a waiter on the scene. Thepetrified figures will stand as a memorialto one of the worst days in history.

San Francisco Mayor Quentin Koppimmediately declared Noe Valley a dis-aster area and asked for city assistance toprovide shelter for the emotionallynumbed condo dwellers who were forcedto flee the mountains’ misanthropic rage.

In a controversial move, Fire ChiefDianne Feinstein ordered all personholecovers throughout the 20-block area re-moved to drain off excess lava flow.

The molten mass cleared a savage pathfrom the apex of the voIcanic craters,oozing down 24th Street to just beyondNoe Street, where it was abruptly haltedby a balding man in a blue coat guarding

One More Link inThe Chains on 24th

By Aretha Franklin

The neighborhood was up in arms lastmonth over the news that another

chain store had moved onto the franchise-packed block of 24th Street between Noeand Castro.

Uptown Link, selling a complete lineof cut-to-size tire, bike, snow, dog, andneck vincula got an okay from City Plan-ning to open at 40001 24th Street, despitethe fact that there are 12 other chainstores within a three-block radius and thatNoe Valley’s pit bull population has de-clined in recent years.

Best Friends of Noe Valley activistMiriam Blaustein, who picketed thestore’s grand unchaining, thinks theneighborhood has more than its share of

PG&E CrewUnearths RemainsOf Atlantis

APG&E crew digging beneath 24thStreet to clear blocked power lines

has unearthed relics believed to be part ofthe lost civilization of Atlantis.

“We’re not really sure just which partsof Atlantis we’ve got here,” said a com-pany spokesperson. “It might be the sideof Atlantis, but then again it might be thefront.”

Scientists from the de Young Mu-seum’s Department of Irrelevant Cultureshave been called in to investigate the un-usual find. 1983

WARNING!

DATELINE 84: Twin Peaks is likely toerupt again very soon, geologistssay. Though the initial burst of soundand poof of ash may be frightening,keep calm. If you are indoors, stayindoors. Hide under sturdy furni-ture. Stay near the refrigerator. If youare outside, stay outside. Don’t runthrough burning buildings. If you arein a moving car and the lava flow ap-proaches you, stop the car, shift intoreverse, and back away. After theeruption: Turn on radio or televisionfor emergency bulletins.

Smith/Barske No. XXXIV April Fool’s 1981-2010

Elmer, the wooden and papier-mâchémannequin who has been a cheery

feature in the window of Tuggey’s Hard-ware since 1956, was discovered missingSaturday morning and, at press time, hadnot yet returned to the 24th Street estab-lishment.

The disappearance, at first consideredmerely a practical joke or promotionalploy, was actually the result of a fierce la-bor dispute, the Voice has learned. Andwhat Tuggey’s thought were private per-sonnel problems have now cropped up atmany other Noe Valley shops employingmannequins.

“I’m no dummy,” said Elmer in an ex-clusive interview with the Voice Fridaynight. “I know when I’m being exploited.”

Elmer claims that his relationship withTuggey’s management has been sufferingfor years, but the reason he left late Fridaynight was to avoid “the final injustice.”

According to Elmer, on Friday morn-ing a longtime customer came into thestore requesting an unusual kind of boltthat was out of stock. The woman said sheneeded it by Saturday evening to installspecial lighting for an art show that night.Employee Andy Gomez phoned all theother hardware stores in the city trying tolocate the bolt but was unsuccessful. Atclosing time Friday night, however,Elmer overheard owner Dennis Giovan-noli say, “Yeah, there’s one holding hishead on. The shipment will be in Thurs-day, no problem. In the meantime, we’lldisplay those new ratchet sets.”

It was at that moment, says Elmer, thathe realized that Giovannoli was planningto leave him disassembled for close to aweek so that a customer could have hisneck bolt.

“There was nothing else I could do,”said Elmer, sipping from a cup of linseed

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It’s been a cruel season for San Francisco’s cutest community. After being pelted with hail andand thrashed by meter maids, Noe Valley residents found themselves trapped in their trundlebeds by some nasty igneous activity from nearby Twin Peaks. 1983 Photo by Charles Kaboom

First Major Palm TransplantThanks to the Friends of Noe Valley, these palm trees, formerly domiciled on Dolores Street, now have a new home down the centerof 24th Street. Said John Hooper, tree-planting committee chair for the Friends, “We want to more evenly distribute the trees in theneighborhood. Dolores Street residents have had the palms for 40 years. Now it’s Noe Valley’s turn.” 1981 Photo by Chuck Canard

Elmer Bolts, Mannequins RevoltLabor Relations Splintered at Tuggey’s Hardware By Barbie Van Kuyk