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8 THE SUN SUNDAY MARCH 22 ISMTWENTTrEIGHT PAGEI WHO IS THE FUNNIEST MAN
Iv1T kuuv WHO JHfTjntTAUT Xtt rowsXX TK1TATH LOTK-
AaaatMor fm Maker XBWB WU-Otr Mu Mak Ike R Htmst WithLatcghtcr si Clak l Bluer r rtU
A mr4wrMm KM Wh 11141 4 Math Ii 1ln4 fsr eWhen the thousands of mn who tied aseem-
fcled t witness the FlUslmmAniDtmpney-fltht la New Orleans were Idly watting for theprincipals to appear a man of the musical-
am of Petit Doody vaulted In the ring and
bRaIalnla Now York street ballad calledKepi the hat Dod is one
et the fnnntest men In New York of Tat good
turand irrepressible high spirits Funnytunny sayings and quaint expressions
I
roll from him Inoetsnntly BO that he Is the ItsI of whatever party he Is In or at On that oooa
Ion Ila New Orleans an enormous crowd of-
men who would have presently soured andfallen to omplalnlnl of the delay lost Ihotit and roar with laughter totamp with gratitude They throw money intothe ring in silvery showers and it III eatd thatMr Doody picked up 1250 in small chance fOrthat hat hour of humane laborWo any company except et business
tnn or reformer that assemble In this cityIB thee days without some such light heart inliii etrole to unburden of their cares the rest ofthe gathering No matter how welt selectedthe company may be Imust be dismal unless
lout of those spirit whosetptlnlt able to put every one frAt at-OM and then In good humor Those
tflajglft possess a magical faculty It must be
1r1without ellort and without an er the machinery that makll as lightpd ates and awine cheers exs-rLjt will send a bad dinner down without a
jitand It will condense a longev nlnglntostart and merry onetW York has miny of thee gay heart-
sths amateur comedians in private life theseBtMnetlo entertainers whose flow ot merrimentwfgjoover1 up more defects In the eenlns1-programme
sthan there are sins that charity
envelopes These unsalaried benefactors otther Kind are divisible Into two classes the-
MWif y and the funny and the purpose hire Ilato fljsoover woo iIB the funniest of the funny
As It would not be taste to decidea IootQuestion many of most sucoensE mirth provokei In several walk of lifehere ranged tilde by sideand the reader
knv determine or one carrlelUi palm or he may pluck It to piecesYFle it arnnir thorn all>t1t Is taken lor grunted that Mr Obstinacy IfUouewB lighter sldo Is duo to a sift of wittaiber than nf fun It was a high example ofnit that he gave when he tfald The Puritanskept IDndyand evorthlnl also they couldput Mr Joseph UChoate a wit minor than a funnyman us besnowed at the Amherst dinner tie otber nightWhen he Invented thl witty sail wittily
I acrlbeJ Itt authorship to a Yale prolesorThere WAS ft voanc man of 81 LonliWho marriedI a quickwltiedI J wtm-
toII ttnck on hr rturleiThat to h rli lorlei
Ale cal ber a Uliaanoty Oap wHlodge Rowland the most 1leralnlnl man
the Wail SirPet districtI f and so Is Ur Jenkins Van ficliafok C-
ogeroii is witty when h I10 not sentimentatand mused most of the afterdinner talken-otI the town are so Possibly J Heaver Pageoccupies a middle ground between wit andI run One of the distinctions between tho witty
I and the funny won Is that whereas thelen are solely witty tho funny nun are bothI numoiouB Anti witty The fun of thf funnyi men lies In their ability to mlmlo to tell
I StorIes with dialect dialogue Inthem In their pronenesa to catch their irlendswlthtrloksnr Innicuaue and twisted thoughtsto play practical jokes and to keep every sortof run in perpetual motion Incidentally theyare witty out the witty moo may be Mid neverto trespass on their ground William JFlorence Is a typical funny man andInce al the town knows him he willIre Illustrate what is here meantby the term Florence mimics sings toilsamazing yarns tells funny stories playspranks and is able at any time to furnlfhamusement for a whole botollr even a smallI town The only trouble he ism ofes-
lonnlly n funny man and the men to be setforth in this article nri buslnons Dn who areonly funny In the evenlnl or t strokolof work ns a or a canary IWill be seen before the reader coos far thntIB next to Impossible to describe the fun ofthese mirth makers No sort of fun will beardescription not many wll stand analysis Iyou are In the company of most of thebet e pictured and described you will bo certainof a jai hour but when It I al over you willslot haltbe time bo able to IR what was saidor please you or If you can tell whatIt was the telling of Jwilt drag like sleigh run-ners
¬
on tmre groundThere are a dozen very mirthful men among
the artists of this city good talkers ImuInlbright wits talentedraconturl ordinarily clover mimics E WKerabla F Hopkn on Smith and Charles FGraham can either one of them keep a corntiny more than amused for a whole eveningFbs greatest wit In the fraternity howeveris none of tbase Hell Homer Mnrtln a middle
I need man now of years enough to be Grapims or KotnbteB father it closi fnend ofWhistlers and a palntnrwho mad his famna quarter of a century ago In his day and Inppmaller circle bo WIIHnuotod as William U-
Tnivers wn In a larger circle and he Iis everywhit as funny as Trivcrs waR He said whenbe told of u journey up the Untiix that It was
BO much like a panorama that he didnt be¬
a bit ot It VYIixn a lady met him leav ¬leehis house on a Hundny momma nud askedit ho was going to church bo r plod Nomadam Im no nu to get some b
He was moderately fond of beeras alibisfriends knew who met him nt IfafT In thedavs of Ucorge Arnold and Harry Clapp and
the Duchess but thn next question thelady addresHfil to him did not disturb himI hope you do not drink much beer-
NoI madam tin ropled There Is notmuch bsor In New
I thought you were going to church saidthe persistent maron I hope you like to gotchurch11
Indeed I do madam said Mr MartinIm very fond of going tocburch but then
you know I can restrain myself
j 1tAo L W ffKEMBL-
2Mr
I
E W Kemble Is as much younger thanartin an Martin lN older than Knmhle to say I
the least In fact Kmhl IMoneof the youngsetf the successful artists of the duy ThoseUhae not formed the excellent habit ofnat the IIIRIrl on every pictijro they
nit know Kembiesrecall It when they hear that he Iis1 reat In his porcraraln ot rlnuthern
and ol humorom rustic fluIai Cntiiru and sv Virhnlat and to anlln Life and the otber pictorials Hn
Frost Are tile two notable characterKtmhll has given promise 01 gclug-
beyond Frost taklnifiipa eorlous endeavor59 portray all the mat ked peculiarities of
erican bslngnomlOHund neuron Hellvesfclirelty lllnat Nw Uocliolle which Is lur-
JllflIVhandv to New Vurk for him tu
Wbelller there to anrtbhlJ goingInt lrut I
1j9 can be counted upon to say the Te-
rylerltthings Homo ot thorn nre apropos
as when the < hor day be nuldwould be funny if a typical Irish ¬
command should meet a typicalIless all painted and featheredalone In the Ibid Lands Then It would biuueer If the Irishman instead of showlag rearould march up to Ithe catef and look him cii-WIr admiringly and say to him Well be-
gabrs youre a tails as he natur-ookpow
ly mightAt that of sours ISecDiecW-
ordthe lalla would say UmpkvkallauaY Onp day Kembl wasLii aklBitf a friendWho b famed more for the Quantity Ifflood h I-
It2WIWthen for the quality hn demands
I no patience with a course dinnerthe waits between the courses
asporato him What be want is a dinneWhere the dishes come quick like the bal I
a louis candleI
The coldness and flatness of all wHtUa Jutsis apparent In thfs > quotations whlon malethee who heard bom roarwlth laURble Oneleeds the modicum ot wine the lightthe subtle magnetism 01 general enjoymentthe calm cult eating and the unconrolou
b5 amused no matter what hapA reoiu991o eal who reads thes will
V sII mUw oak ecadlUoa aaa wUf1Oad
2
they is the flash ot a pretty womanitat But are that Kemble lIetblnldone which ehow the his humor and ofhis genial personality and show this rather lathiS consequences than In the things them-selves
¬
For Instance at an annual meeting otone of the principal artists olullln town thruor rour ago be got wih an nocommenly grave face au i began speech thatseemed to in earnest It lIs of no nee torepent a bof It LIlS Idea of It wan thatWhat the club needed won the support of mil-lionaires
¬
a number of millionaires couldbe made If IIl an Interest In tblolubathere was not anywhere ne saidwho di not long to get within the sacred artist
good ingenuoun talented guileles-sfeilowalf a number were admitted to lifemembership pay at iWO membership fee theclub would soon have an a undant eurplullnIts treasury He thereto moved that a clausebedded to thn constluitlou making It possi-ble
¬
for mllllonnlrei or others to enter the clubat that price He talked halt an hour Heneversmiled even faintly lie teemed earnest andenthusiastic nnd lu consequence he was mag-netic
¬
He may be said to Lave hypnotized theclub It wnslonR after dinner and the flow ofpood things and good spirits had not been In-
terrupted¬
for three hours lie was applaudedagain and attain and the clause aadded tothe constitution by n rising vote Is in theconstitution of theolub today Not n millionstir has come begging at the door with whatKemble called his paltry five hundred In hishand Not one ever will In trutl the clauserends very queerly In cold
Mr Kemble ts reported to have done a thingone day that would seem to pace belief If Itwere not vouched for by his friends and If onedid not know hit wonders aru performed withInnocent good nature He and some friendswore In a horse oar on their way to the Acad-emy of Design The other occupants of theCAr wore two doHpeifttelooklngyoung ruffianswho sat listening to the rtIII with an Inso-lent
¬
sneer ou each of their faces They seemedmore tthan commonly anxious for trouble Mr-Kemhle had two or throe heartthnped pieceol red card In his hand HI put a toothpickthrough ono of them making a scarfpin of It and decorated the scarf of onof his friends The friend wereeasy about the ruffianly fellows opposite andwhispered to Kemble that they looked as IItthey wanted trouble Ho Mr Kemble lookedat them They are friends ot mine aid h-
and deliberately went over and sat bynod put a red card via in each ones scarf hemsuch Indescribable and unrestrainedhumor that the ruffians oould do no more thangrin sheepishly while the sport was going onNo more needbe said for Mr Kemblel fun IIs Instinctive Inherent genuine adV ft7rrrHopklnson Pmllh the author artistand buslne man whose novel 001 Carterof Carlosvllle Is now running In the CJenturtjIn known to a much wider circle than MrKemble because he has long been In demandnt notable dinner parties and ha generouslydevoted hit mirthmaking powers to charita-ble
¬
causes Like Kemble and most of thosewho are mentioned here he Is an AmerJ ¬
can ot the Americans his greatgrand
1
V ROPXIN80M SlfTTH
father having been Francis Hopklnson asigner of the Declaration of Indepen-dence
¬
AS Mr mlth says hi Ila andever wilt be an amateur and he carries therule to such an length that when ho Is Invited-out of town to make a merry evenlnl he willnot permit even his expenses paid byolhnn than himself His business affairs hisbrush and his pen make him a handsome live-lihood
¬
and his fun IB clear solid fuu unalloyed-by even the clink of a coin Ho can be quite-as runny as any twenty ordinary funny men
seems to thoe wbo know him that he mustI In his bead literally hundreds ot comicboll and the telling of them entails upon himtho necessity to wrestle with half a doze-ndlalecsbrokll Herman dislocated Italian
Yankee talk shatteredChinese negro dlaect Prince street Englishand so on through tbe lat He even knowsstories without words them by Inimi-table
¬
pantomime One of the good thins abouthim Is that be munaies himself well He tellshis latest story and then more being de-manded
¬
he tells the next to his latest anti thenhe stops It does not matter whether a story1Hone that he has Invented or one that he hashenrd for he makes every one his own by re-habilitating
¬
each with his own limgungewhloh-is well chosen and musical and brings out thefull torce every time Of course he Is a greatdeal of an actor and poet as every geod story-teller must bn
Mr Theodore H Le of the railroad depart ¬I ment of tbe American Bank Note CmpanJ11deserve fly celebrated as one of
factors ot tho present highpressure civiliza-tion
¬
His business is largely with the railroadpassenger agents of the country nnd though
I they are an exceedingly witty anti lightheart-ed
¬
body of men they admit that they knowfew men ns eimlllent anti untiringly mirthml as Mr Leo Ills travels have takenhim 1 over the continent and thereare cities where he Is not knownand Quotod His humor 1I Impost
IIv-
THEODORE B LRble to describe He has been known to keepa large excursion party in gay spirits for aweek at a ito the last man to bell and thefirst ole UtIn the morning with an unbrokenflow of merriment that has a magnetic qualitywhich no nina can resist and yet which dinesanalysis No one understands mehe saysof himself I am an admired taste like olivesTho only man wio could make me out Is deadand I am poor from seeing that his grate lIskept green There are many days when a mancannot lay up a cent He IIs the author ofa paraphrase of Shukespuarns A man maysmile und smile and be a villain still whichMr Lee quotes thus A man mny smile andsmile und hn whiskey still But iu tbe mainbo Is unrntotable He simplyI elfeivexces a su ¬
perabundantconsideratespirit of fun
andwhich IH alwlsln ¬
pangs Wherever lin Is known It 1itt as HopLee He got the name In Uoorcetowu Colo-rado
¬
when be wn with an excursion of rail-road
¬
meu who worn plnld up In a mUlulL L hnil uuiou uuiuu uy u JUUiW-whit rodihel on quartz and fossils andother such things until they were readyto do murder Mr Ico cnyod oath waitedfor the uroaeHHlon down the strecti He saw thename UOIIII over tha dooro a Chlninc laun-dry
¬
welt to ase tile Chinaman If he vvashIs long brother Wbelii had sufllclcntly-oiystlirud the returned to thestreet and precisely at thrt minute all hisfriends came along in n procession In the mid-dle
¬of titt toad hoeing him come out of the
laundry aol seeing the name Hop LII overhlI head they sliouud tho name at and ithas never left him He Is tbeMecretiry andTreasurer of tho Quaint Club which has formembers such men as Cbauucey U DepewCollector Ernardt and Bernard Olllum and IIIan organization devoted to the distilla-tion
¬
of pure fun In i all road literature MrLee fibs Sometimes been portrayed carrying alym as Apollo used to This Is by way of dolleels refemnu to Mr Leos lmatlnetivs quali-ties
¬
which tire of xn high an order that henever tells a story unless it Is a good one audbo seldom tells one no matter how well forti-fied
¬
It tony be by usage without saying that ItIs on account or sfllhlnl that happened tohimself Hut It remarked tbittheInstrument that ho plays Is a white lyre forstories of hi that wont bear Investigation arelanolud that way and are not meant to de-ceive
¬
his hearers so much ns to amuse themMr Ueprge L Uonnor the passenger ann
of the Vail River nnd Old Colony Tints la tothe railroad fraternity what Mr F Bonklnsen-Bmlth to the artist brotherhood Us IIs atraasurfhouse of drol stories He IIs undethe mlddl ese M amd abitlsI from New Amlrlnat homewhere us iU ibort and lender and haebaraoterlstlo grave Tees of a humorist UlI
ing asked for hIs portrait be bgged to beout ot this medium of history Thewould wreolc the article Ibut the fact argueswell for hiii modesty OuavriI the funniestof the rallrowl mn which Is saying a greutalbecame It U difficult to be funnier than6m Carpenter and Bllas Cummins and JW Hurdlck and the rest lie i funny In all thedialects and lu English and line the cUt of be-ing
¬
able to see the humorous distinctly thath often kalPl1 table In a roar by telling whathiss beard during the day
The funniest man In the Beventh Rglmn-tkt lupiland tgraw aL iariw
W
1
to kp his lanrlfor the regiment fa hi flier-nest organization In the elI na bM iotfamous wits In every one its ubdhlions frOnt the colonel staff 00 Even
Major 8lmaon witthe Burgeonof a high order and if the Colonel baa
making jokes be cannot help enjoying Ioi of them every yearialT or realDenlalmake Who the fannie man In theIis no one carte to say any more than ope wouldsay which was the next piece of ooal In a tonBut It It agreed Ithat the funniest on must amember or the Slaughter House QUAretMessrs Blake Wall soc Hur oom
I quartet horns sal In called aauartet Decant It IB a trio and others say ItII because Blake IIs a team
These three are Ninth Company men and arethe life of tbe romiany They have a wonder-ful faculty for catching the song and IAI ofcomic opera and th TallY ltle forcatching them Instantly the menhave heard there le such a song he quartetwill Introduce It In the company romlndt-he are apt to keep the men therehours after the drill If over listening their-merriment All three can play the piano and-ean and dance and all are excellentslnlThey are bachelors between 21 and 23years or a o-
Jlle I cli Wake 1 the a knwldod learcalled either Jack make orcaffeine Ho has a marvellous talent for get ¬
ting Into the most ridiculous scrapes and thengottlngout of them In the most ridiculousmanner An be le tall and thin and smoothfaced with a mlnlst rlalIRnuerl the absurdity-of his appearance his mischiefmay be imagined He wears aJan tag andnever was known to laugh ra ofmimicry are excellent and hi eems to Inventhis own fun A recent effort of his was anImitation of a newsboy describing a mrlodrama hn had seen In which a villain with adeepdyed mustache attempts to steal a girlfrom an Italian whose whiskers would coax agale out of a sealed vegetable Ca
BOMB S inrmmiB
One never dan tell of madcap pranks In soldblood without making them eeem tame buthere Is one of Blake Performed at theHtate camp the last time the regiment wathere He came up the road from Peeksklll ona rainy night and stopped to talk to the officerof the and therelief at the outskirts orthe <ua was a hot night and the officerhad taken his word eli and laid It on his cot Inthe guard house Blake chatted and amusedthe little company for awhile and then man-aged
¬
to slip the sword up under hllolt Hegot away with It It wns missed wassuspected Be knew he would be so he wentto his tent which be thought wonlil be the lastplaOwhere any one would look for him How ¬
I
this was a serious business and thewhole camp was searched Blakes tent alongwith every other pluce He was not found HI-
t in the hollow of his cot and then spread hisblanket all over the bed as flat as a vie platekeeping perfectly rigid like the sword by hisside while the search went on In the tent Thesearchers reported that neither he nor theword ooul be roundbut that night the swordWas Bergeant1 tntNo chance for mischief everaudio It happened that he was the only manIn the camp who discovered that four ot themen were playing poker In one of the tents asquietly as so many dead men with candlesunder the basins so ato confine the light totheir cards Blake scent the game andslipped Into his tent attain lie car-ried
¬
a giant cracker lighted Its fuse andslipped It under the tent In lea than a min-ute
¬
there was an explosion that awakened thewhole camp The lights basins cards andchips disappeared and the card players wereburled under their blankets more quickly thanthe words can be written Blakps tent avisited but he was so fast axlacp that notthe explosion had bon able tawaken hIm
46
1
WTtULM > WALL 1MITLWilliam J Wall or Billy Wall as every-
body call the second member of tbe Slaughter-House Quartet Is a cousin of Berry Wall andIs In business with the old firm of WilliamWalls Sons the cordage makers ifs Is bestkn wn for his female Impersonatlonl In theSeventh Itcglment believes that Are ¬
tin Hover or Oleio can do a skirt dancesame building with Wall In comic opera hisfriends modeelYla that I ho Is not tie funniect he la at fun-nier
¬
than any woman What woman lor In-
stance¬
would ever dram of saying whatbe did when tiled InPrestons musical farce of Columbus 1 Hewas the heroine and lbs lover was making loveat high pressure mad Irreproslble love Hewas trying to give just a faint Idea of the lovethat had burned In him since childhood Inthe middle of his rhapsody tbe girl elevatedher eyes to the celling aud ssumlnl adevout taco culled ac It to Obimother slve me strength Whereverplayed BMla Inst winter the reopl stilltalk of his demure coy girlish wayshU beautiful danllnl and his winsomeOver In gave him a solid silverloving cup filled with roses they deluged himwith flowers and they encored him till he wastired out His portri shows that he make-up Ilrl yet bo Is a particularlymanly mnn He good boxer a firstclassshot with a rIO and a good soldier Inrivtlife he In noted Toe his tate in dressdandy without being a dudl
George O Murray makes his heat fun InIrish ballads and Irish burlesque work Thinbut of athletic build he has the mobile face ofa born comedian HU memory is so wonder ¬
ful that It Is nothing for him to go to the open ¬
IllOf Harrigan now theatre and catch the
l1 I
unHUBBAT AS IEHHT IN COLUMBUS
words and air of the most taking sons On thenext plant ho gets Wallto potjid the piano andgives tbs npw I he company after drIll
lilt Thomas F Casey or the Mayors Marshnls office has male as many men laugh ascuT New Yorker and a great many more thansome of the man Wile raMrnlJ claim a piecein Tni HUNS list I a born NewYorker Ills fRIIs sober enough to equip twohumorists In private conversation EelU jMrloo as a mule waitlnn for a 1late dinner Lie1is funniest when th e swan I most lad that iswhen be line lie Iis 33 old sat ubeen nUd la a large olrolJamore adown years As the author of DrillTamers drfil5 he has made almost tne Jof a professional lie tine a tenor voice and Innow in the choir of the Church of the 1mmaculate Conception In Last FonrMtnth streetThus he ebows the rungs of lila vocalability for lie can sing a hymn a ballad ora patter long caunlly well In Juthollo circlebe is In ooustant demand to aid charities but
I he is busiest In hi attendance at the houses orwellknown New Yorkers like Judge WidCommissioner Purroy Commissioner MarinHenry Clausen and Fye4Tbrewer He Is a great light lot tarragan-sets UUB and often amasas ibrs ol
f =
C
the Iroquol Sagamore and Horn elnb theCrib club the Knights of patrick theGrowler and several Masonic lodges He re¬
sings and tells alorlesdndhhe in-
vents¬
all that he does except alittle thing like the story of the Irishman whowas told by the prleot that If he did not keepober he would turn Into a rat That story heread 1In Tnic HUN It goes on to tell how Patforgot went on a tear beat his wife andthen hllI the priests prophecy turned tohis wile and said Biddy darlln It ye see me
smaller and browner and browner andmailer wld sbtickln out of the
olds of me hlslr love of heaven kenyeryeon the eat Bntnin In ten of hisrecitations and stories are original ann Im-
promptu¬
lie says they frequently deal with
t=v
7
raoifii w OAITBT
whit hi see on the way to the place to whichhe Iis Invited for an evening His latest original
are Cinders MoOnes Christeningonl Twas IJooley Raised the FlKht lintDrill Tarrlerg Drill III not likely to be
excelled even by Tom Casey Here are twoTina of Iwith a teats of his talk In between
Tlifu tail
newy forman IDalICul
last wCak a prmatra blut wAaa a mia In lh sir went D muCoasflrUilJrIiiyetarrleritlrtii-
Wideut
ye tarrltn < rill
W wnrro all aarsnjar IIn our iiy
TbinarilL is i rlntiBWheren the fuse MetaHe lit his pIp vii
sri f ladIde flagtI blashtl Fire
Than arUL yetlrCr-1JfNA
5
sure It cams aronnOdnlUrI short hi toneSDal t and lit dle r plr
olr tar Urn you up In IktMy-
Oioin Drill y o UrrKra drill
Among the most amusingly entertainingQermnns In town are Carl Hauser theantI editor or the Herman HIck poeWelnacht and his employer Max Ams thedealer canned goods B Kaempffert theLion Brewery B rfeumoegen the baker andPhilip Frank the stationer
Carl Hauser enjoys a celebrity whichalmost city American born wit wouldenvy which demonstrates how thoroughlythe life of tbe Germans In town Is alife apart from that of the English speak-Ing moss I flnnaera name were men-tioned
¬In Manhattan Club the Seventh
Detriment Armory or on the floor of theStock Exchange no one would say he hadever heard of him On tbu other hand whenMr Unuser walks up Broadway of anafternoon he produces the impression that heknows more mon than any other New YorkerOno man In every live nods or bows to him orcalls out his name or shakes hands with himWhen he goes In a German resort likeArlon or Harmonle Club or Terraee Gardenthere Is a visible sensation among thoe whoare lounging there They pull one anotherhal down cud whisper nnd point to him
IIs der Hauser Er 1st eln grossa-spaszvoifol which Is to say a greatjoke maker or literally a joking birdHanser 1is a Hungarian by birth and a He ¬
brew In religion but he has become a German-of the Germans He Is In constant demandat christenings weudlngs birthday partsand all the occasions whore thetolntioduce wit and jolllllcatlon In the bestGerman houses he reads poems and makesfunny speeches In the great clubs he deliverssldesplUtlng lectures He ha a jolly roundface anti Is as open eyed and sensitive ns achild His bent frIends find him honest andguileless and It Is tho peculiar beauty of hisnnmor that though It is often personal andthough sometimes the company enJoys a littlebroader latitude In jests tItan English folk areused to he never stings or hurts or leaves anunpleasant recollection In any mans mind
In English bell apt to make and a manwho would do that would run a risk of his so-
clii standing If not ot his life In AmericanmrololU he were native born but In GermanHauler makes the usual plays upon wordsthat are essentially a characteristic of Germanhumor yet he Is rathor an Inventor of Ideaand of Queer standpoints of observationpunster He can Invent stories In Englishwhen he wants to for the otber day he saidthat be went to visIt an English friend andtook along his little dachshund that bad justbeen sent to him from Germany The dOlstrayed out of tbe parlor while the visiton and soon there was heard a mostalarming series of noises coming up from thecellar Hauser recognized the cries of the valu-able
¬
dog and rushed down to rescue him fromwhatever awful fate seemed about to destroyhim When be reached the cellar he found tbe
madly around a collection of adozen bottle of wine Every now and thenthe animal would hit one of the bottles and Itwould spin out of the heap and Around on Unbottom ns If It was trying to catch up with tbedog The explanation was simplyI that the dogbad discovered the German labels on the hot ¬
ties and the names of tho Hbenlsh vintagesunder the corks He ronocnlred the greatseven and twelve syllabled words of his nativetongue awl they brought back such a flood ofrecollections or the home In this Fatherland-from which he had boel rudely torn that healmost went mad joy
can nAusEaAn example of what may he called his native
humorthat which he exercises In Germanwill be Interesting not only In Itself butfor purposes of comparison between the men ¬
tRI procesos of the English and the GermanrHaulorlsln the habltor lellverlnunocnlltiii
lectures Ir comlo talks at tbs Llelerkranz sadother clubs Thefollowingisa dluost of onoof tbe last of those funny talks It lIs Impossibleto give more than a summary of It here butenough can be given to exhibit his style sndthe main idiots In bid si eech He began bltell-ing
¬
the ladle anti gentlemen around thatthey had seen a great many new nnd bilthings hike Niagara Falls CarnienclinElflel Tower nnd a continuous round of nowbonnets new babies and new servant glrUlint there I one new anti big thing no one nowalive had seen anti that WR a now centuryAs a new one was close hale I would babut a short step to rah it invited hishearers to accompany him to I Huvmg titusgot lila hearer to the year ii 01 he uniiouncodthat at breakfast there worn no nnwHpaperiTime old annoyances were ended No out no-wblowaltor the servant Klrl to finish the
murder und no ono camedown stairs to ltd that time wrong paper hadbeen left it or that I paper liedcom at all There was an olertrlo speakinginstrument In the roomall when all wereseated at the table wee turned onanSI the flow or tbe news began as If stone Invtilbls person wns reading It oil a printedsheet After the main Items had been hearln-bll
1
way tIe man of the houseton rornwaolho especial subiecls that In ¬
I
Cllllll iIrIco < 1 thestreet the critique 01 iiorinin oi iia ofthe night before and so on Thn nina thus Inteirupted the flow of Information becauie hawasln bury to go to bunnoss and because-It was understood thnt thn women wantedevery Item Including tbe births marringand deaths and the advertisements When theturin went away tbe current was turned on nnd-It ran ultl there was no tact news to glvo out
As the annoyances of the servant prob-lem
¬
were concerned sit had vanished Therewr no more servants When the family ai-
mbleU¬
e table each personh wanted and the a aDOlnot
various dlhe were written alien a eltoe otpaper and thrown la a little basket tiltr na wire to the greet entral restaurant t Usedistrict In a few minutes the breakfastwas at the door and the table aset and the people waited on byployeno who brought the food At thispoint Mr Hauler Interrupts himself to say thatall tbe electric wires hud finally been put In-dlrlrOunIJ
¬ I
In the nineteenth century onlup utcnln In UM twentieth for
now a tuoncand things worn done by wires ForInstanc he said every milD of evnn moderate I
circumstances bad u wire running from hishouse to hIs office and shot himself down townas money IIK sent to a cash counter In a lathesbopping store He said that In 1901 all the II
turned Into fivecent lodgingrwrlelwlre beWM sold like MlitUU
powders in little parcels powder which mencarried around In their pockets It was a glo-rious
¬
sight to see a once wealthy brewerturned poor and mixing a powder tumblerof water when he wanted n drink of beer A-
fensatonallncldcnt In 1901 was the lalafservices In IIhour between 11 und 12 oclock on SundaysThe police were instructed to see that nochurch kept Its side doors open after Ibl noonhour Senators Cantor Blumenthal Levyfought Ikelons for the ouurches but tbe Mlpassed thorn
The above summary of the first har of MrHnusers talk Illustrates the of ourGermanAmerican citizens and by tbe orig-inality
¬
of the points It contains shows why it isthat Mr Hauser is called Carl the Inventive-or the finder lerrlndlinvl That IIs his title In
theBeblaraffla a secret and humorous so-ciety
¬of which he lIs a conspicuous member A-
gnfIo 1baa
foundedvery
In ITaoaboutto
now has In 100tl
notan Australia and even InEgypt Its motto with art TheNow York chapter has fifty members only oneof whom Is an American The members makebelieve that they live In the sixteenth centuryand therefore avoid the political and religiousdiscussions of the present day Alter a manhas been admitted as n candidate for membership he Is tried lor a wbole yeardropped If in that time ho lisa not proved com-panionable
¬
or has not done something notableIn the way of composing a picture fro lece of-
muilo a funny lecture a book or somethingelse that has amused the Scularulfla
WILLIAM ASTILESOne of the most famous and witty men in
New York whoso scintillations often amazethe publlu by their brightness and the flow ofhis Ideas Is the authority for the statementtint Mr William ASties tho edltol ot theHarden and Parent j far brighter thankjjwNew-Yorker who has made himself generallyknown be is a maD of shrink-ing
¬Jtleslald rarely that he can be-gotten to talk and then only to his Mends Ifyou bad beard him at the last New Englanddinner you would have been surprised liewas talking to a little knot of Yale men In acorner of the room alter tho main speecheswere over He was porleetyat hlmeand In¬
dulged his wblt muaybail mettal vision to the utmost eesside down and awry nnd presents the sim-plest
¬
roost ordinary mniter In the strangestand most extraordinary ways 1 have hearall the men who entertain their fellowYorkers and can say unbesltatDI that StilesIs the funniest of
In the speech tnus referred to lrBtlesIPoke-of the MugwumpsIndependence by a 1lHpa Blonai and unbiasedloathing of his party Ills talk was mainlyou the Indian problem nnd hero Is a part ofthe end of it Iproves to be witty rather thanfunny but as Is wit of a high order and us-Mr Stiles has not before been Intioduced tothe public a place Is made lor it here
The eportlve frontiersman when aiiked why bthatIndians replied that tie liked to see them u Wanice ba cur bal no Puritan ever amuied himself InIM < fathlon Ila severely practical to de-slroy whit be Ialbo able to us Laughter Ila
old never bays Invented tIle modern apiiormin thaionly 10luolan u the dead Indian lie coulenever soil IILautrluvrl It was
ing Indians with their wives ana children that bahipped to the Harbadoci and sold Into slavery ThisIrarac might be called Inhuman now hIlt the stnlui ofChrlill harlty Ii flexible cud Undo little trouble InadluIIIIlolt to varrlnc ooudilkns Early la colonial
factories were runnln on full timeJOthe coa hnulanderI begun to Iliiilata tha aboriginalI
currency Laughter A dead Indian aradi no circu-larlrlni medium and a buudreil dead Indian wouldfurniin no market for single galloa e t Medfgrd rumlL iiflit rl nhAU to nmo w v nmnf tile live Ilellu arts at which they war expertOomlnjr tllolll uf lneland and llol anti theaturlle > anil of bainrd hla airlcultnralaklll and Ihe Indians taught Ititu to plant o rn threekernel In a 11 whit three codnnh under each kerneland lu ilni tha moiliunter ll the Iliana of all prOdebe firmnhita ln New Knit nndI Lindner J
The 111111 in the ale li lhA the furltani plan ofwith plan lie adopted fordelnl with ever budy rlie Tha fundamental pried
pie In thii Ito Icy was toluok out lor hlinielf trim andiierhain no serer plan limn mOms ha star been deviled loritilittg the Indian problem Illauuhter belfprotectloafor the cilia would mean she ties ol tiovernment piachicory to preparn the Indiana fur lilt UPOTt-ice ludu under moh a pollry our totemmont Iuld nor have piaOl mIte feloux Indianaon auoh arnold ha lloneliud and Iine tIdes with thishope of making farmer or lieu for time soil II too bar-ren ti ril a mliriUa ami can out pro luce Kbfitcancel aoli permanent iiaui eriiiu LanghUr anti appliiuic Under laoh a pour na ihouM hardly errataa iMiimhtlonrr or liullim AfTairaaud then allow sootono ole In appoint Iill euboruinuieR Aa It ItI we ara1ilf ill K our ycound oonilamlr t meet H hit cacti liecliarirnnr needi of the nailnna ward Acrordlaitlu tbaI urnan plan we atttulti nave a settled lyatam ofprotect on tint the nation wanU would loon ba fJutting Ibolfllo Un nations permanent
I understand that there are few admirers ofpugilism In New Vork wilt do not know Patsyjootlv hath by sightanfi sound for lila voice la-
n well known na his tiion at most boxing ex-hibitions
¬
Intsy Is a product of Cherry streetand Iis a scrapper ol no meim pretensions butit IIs us a comln vocalist nnd runny mnn that beexcels rumtllnr from Infancy with the longshore anti cas house terrier lie can Imitatehim and bit HAlpmntK to the life arid the cameIs true of his knowledBtj and ability as an Imperaonator of toughs Ha can give liarlinnnB toueh girl twos anti spades Budthen boat her oiitdutiiimemitln the Howery-Ilvoter and the Hester street fUr Patsy hasn keen wit anti an agility In repartee that IsMirprlslhf cod Whoever undertakes to breakhim un wh he is nntertnlnlng a party U euroto come to grief There la not an Irish com-edian
¬
on the stage today who can singOomally as naturally or as on-
3erttngly ag Doody his noeM-ih AteIn ring in New ai the
seas great prize flchi ae wai rpp by e local variety manlier and aPDUD the sporting ocmedis of lbs townfew days tn the flgIt Doody Challenged thewinner to paht him bI style Ue proposedthat Yitzsitnmons should go down a Well whilebe would atMt on top and throw stones downou him When iOoiy learn to Ullnte thevulgarity from his repertoire ls astrong card amonu the bst 01 the varietyhtxrK but wben lie beonmns a professional hewill no lonexr remnlu in this galaxyllil Phillips who was known as
Scents to have tlolpelout of OofJbut boaa prince of not manyarago lie got his reputation as the funny
or the its palmiestdays when the only possible way to avoidbtlax tiresome was to Invent row own stories
for he club prided itself on having heaeverything that watwentyfour hoursSteve role bridge Jumper I a very
funny a typical Dowery bo of thepresent school He Is worth listening to at niltimes hot he Iis funniest when he does notmean to b He tries very hard when In thecompany gentlemen to guard his tongueagainst any slang or Bowerylsms and to choosethe most careful and elegant language in hIsvocabulary The result Is amazing Unastrangest expbetive and the queerest pbrnoesslip out now and then and contrast with thelanguage the young man Is to-ne IrlnlThat Is when Brodle la really
The Hon Thomas Costlean Is an exceedInuly witty man There Is no one wittier inTammany Hall or the County IJemocracvHowever he never said us funny a thing as hisfather did unconsciously when a Now Yorkemet the old man In Ireland Sothat lIs helald the father a dlstiict hal
Commissioner of the tutURecord and all the rest y Sure I hope he cando it al without damage to his businessThe gentleman was assured that Tomwould never let any amount of politics damagehis business JULIAN KALVB
MARCH-APRILIVI A V to ton U 70 itys r to
So runs the old adage Butif you take Ayers Sarsapa
rllla during the months ofMarch and April the resultin May will be all you coulddesire
AVERS-Sarsaparilla
purifies the blood quickensthe appetite regulates theliver and kidneys and givesincreased and healthful activ-
ity¬
to all the functions of lifeIf you suffer from Rheuma ¬
tism Indigestion General De ¬
bility or any other ailmentarising from impure bloodtake AYERS Sarsaparillaand take it NOW Peoplefind immediate relief in theuse of this remedy Manyare in the habit of relyingupon stimulants when theyfeel run down What isneeded is not merely stimula
w wy 1
tO-ll
The Superior Medicinetion but natural and perma-nent
¬ AYERS Sarsaparilla iistrength This is imparted a healthrestorer and health
by the use of AYERS maintainer Its use makesSarsaparilla Hence it is every ¬ food nourishing work pleasewhere recognized as the Su-
perior¬ ant sleep refreshing and life
Medicine enjoyable Ask for
AYERS SarsaparillaPrepared by Dr J C Ayer Co Lowell Mass
Has cured others will cure you
OJ flAKZ
A Cemteautrtaua Who Thick ES Too Twe>
LIves tPill Hlaa with Yea nEveryone In Belleville N J knows MOld
Bake He was born In the ancient town inwhich he lives and when he Is asked howmany winters he has seen casting Icy coatsupon the Passaic river he replies somewhatvaguely perhaps but with unshaken confi-dence
¬
Moren a hundred Boss Nobody Isjustified In contradicting his assertion that hehas entered upon his second century of exist ¬
ence for Bellevilles oldest Inhabitant was aboy when Bake was a man far advanced In
rrs He made a good living catching shadPassaic before the factories emptied
their refuse matter Into It There ale somesceptical people who argue that no centenarianwhite or colored could dance a hornpipe on abar room floor with the nullity of a youth of20 while he whUtlee his own lively music orextracts from a tnrcborine a banjo or ajewsbarp aOld Bake certainly does
But Old Bake thought very proud of his agedoes not claim a wholly unbroken record Hebelieves that be died once end returned tolife It is lisum of the years of both exist-ences
¬
that make him moren a hundredRe says ha remembers quite well his sojournin the spirit world and relates some remark-able
¬
experiences In his disembodied stateBake Is n very small colored man He says
that after be hail closed isle eyes In drain lietook hIs plnce among the lowliest ot his ownrace for he had enan hod the Boi Iplures whimhe was on tbe earth and he was familiar withthe Instructive pitiable of the meek and I haarrogant guests 1ienently be was told to guup higher and be climbed a little way onlya very hue wy mInd you further up a hillwheie the folks were waiting A large coloiedman who had pushed himself up by pulling
I others down was ahead f hIm but this tunawas shooed down to where ha belonged audthen Bake stepped ahea i about two yards
1 Mere is no snylnu to whnt ex h ilteu place OldBakes rots bumllltv might have raised himbut bt this juncture It was discovered that hehad died too soon and with startling suddeuhess be vvnsrestoied to Hie he was lying nna bed In the litrmhouse close to ISellvlllewfioraIds last moments hud passed lila body wasdressed a brand new stilt of broadcloth in-cluding
¬
a small dnubloUieiujtud track coatand tbe coflln stood on throe chairs In the ad ¬
joining loom for others besides Old Hake tollevod that day that bo was dead He hadfallen Inio a state of Huupended animationand after be lied liiln Inanimate for three daysthe doctor In attendance pronounced lireextinct ai d preparations for the tuneral werefar advanced whoa the trance ended
All tblH happened twoiiiyilvo yeats ego antIOld Bnke n feaiUo occasions walks throughBelleville today dressed In the suit of clothesthat was Intended for his burial Ii U ofcoursea little out of style but It looks as goodas new and ho huts ndded a glossy silk hat toIt which gives Him the patrician nipvnruncesuitable to n mat who hits lived lund died
moren a bundled rests In one platoHe does odd lois now for anyone who willmploy him Bivl thinks no doct r lives wiltany hing like the skill of the physician who
saId its was drnd n quarter of n ventury agowhose own bones have been moulderingIn the grave for tlitcen sear It tipsy he thatthe old mans real name Is linker lie thinks ItIB but numlts an uncertainty of memory onthis subject though ho can dearly lecollectthe time when the Pastale Indians bad the rwigwams around Belleville He bait not noticedninny material altaiaiiouH in the anKiuuiedtown during the i list venlytlva yenru andhe is stirs that the lust halt century List toads110 change In him
JEer Ferlloua Kid to See Her Dying Loverrisen At ftolrriln mo-
A few day ago Mr John 0 Core a prom-inent
¬
citizen of Oalnesboro being Informed ofhis approaching dissolution at his request amessenger wa sent after his affianced brideMigs Etta Dyus who rosiiee with Bar fatherand mother vn miles beyond OalnesboroThe bravery and devotion of this young ladyis a matter of admiration and universal cornmeudatlon where the facts are known
Bhecrossed Cumberland liiver which Is veryhuh In n canoe titter dark unit roil on Inlinebank to GalneBbnro much or the wnv throughthe woods Burroundlnu the waters nt on pineewimming her luirte across a channel ofbackwater When she end her guIde urrlddeath hat already alnlmed hut onu
At the funeral In the presence of a crowdedloUse in accordance with his dying requestsis asonlo pin was presented to the younglady by thin sating Mater of the lodge in approgrilte ilnulxe with the benedietlgoj ofthe Msaonlo txstsrpily
TUB imrrxLLom zrurcinnragtaaSo Pisev Sprinter Wlaa RI
Fourth SheflieU llawdlatpAn Interesting Sheffield handicap took abs
on Tuesday and Wednesday Feb 10 and ItIt was the Shrovetide venture of Messrs Morteand Company The weather on the first dayopened foggy and threatening but toward theafternoon the clouds cleared away and quit5000 spectators were present Next to theChristmas handicaps the Shrovetide eventare generally those which produce the great-est
¬
amount ot patronag Harry Entchen thefastest runner In the world was the scratchman anti the distance he actually covered wi122 yards According to old Sheffield customthe race was announced to be nominally 209yards anti Hutchens gut 78 yards tart
Hutchens was 30 years oldon Feb ST Hstands 5 feet 10K inches high and weighed onthe day of his race 171 pounds In rnnalnccostume Marvellous as his previous errhas been it may be said that he has fairly sotthe seal upon his fame by winning this lasttime his fourth Sheffield handicap equallingthe performance ot that veteran A William-son
¬
of Cbarlestown Hntchen and William-son
¬
are the only two men who have ever wonfour Sheffield handicaps Williamson1 latestvictory was in the Christmas handicap ot 183when he was 47 years old but be had almostthe top mark while Hutcbens1 victories withthe exception of one was off the virtual cratch-
Hutebene8 career may be said to have begunon March S 1878 when he won the SheffieldShrovetide handicap with 6X yards startfrom the virtual scratch The feat surprisedevery ono for be was then regarded as a nov ¬
ice Bo rapidly did he Improve that at the conresponding meeting in the following yearhe won again in a heavy snow storm Inspite of which hi time In the languageot Sheffield was Hi yards Inside otevens TItus to run 125 yards iu eventime the runner would have to do thedistance In 12 seconds When It Is consideredhow very few amateurs can claim to have run120 yards In 13 seconds the magnitude ofHutcheusa chief performances can be gaugedHutcbensa third success was In 18d2 also ntShrovetide and hero he surpassed everythingthat had previously been done at sprintingand sot a record that will take somebeating He was given time long startsfor Sheffield of 91 lUl und 10 >iyards himself running the distance ot-
131X yards and this ha covered lu a shadeover 12< seconds The professional owes agood deal of Ills fast titus to time rapidity withwhich he reaches top speed alter the pistol lafired but no amount ot rapid starting will ac-
count¬
for this wonderful piece of Hying Byhis Inst ace Hutclions proved himself able torun 120 ynrdsln about H1 seconds He ha arecord of 30 seconds lor 30U yards
The first dnyn rnolnu ot tile last Rheffleldevent consisted of thirteen heats Hutcbenwas in the fnventh heat They were int awayto nn even start II Thorpe who had 6S yardsBtait on HutcheiiB retiilmd the load for sixtyyards Noon be gave way to J Tntterfall whohad 414 yards Mart TnlUrtmll led until withinthirty ynrds of tIme finish when llutchens gotto this froni wIth a great burnt of speed and woacleverly by half a yard Tho time of the heatwas not mane public
On tip next day fully 10000 spectators gath-ered
¬
to see the second round and the finalheat Time path looked In good condition butIt proved In bo a little loose anti there wasunite n still brceongulnnt I he runners Hutchins ova In limo llrtt boat Boiuru thirty yardsbad been covered H Oxley who had UI> yardsstart hud ulven II linstock with tt yardsstart thin goby mind assumed the lend Hutcherh who was coining at u great pace passedKostook nnd K Mlls the later receiving iyards start Hutuhens wont ether Oxley over ¬
hauled hm some thirty yards from the tapeand finally won by a yard lit time In thiSheist won a yard better than 12 seconds orequal to throe yards inside even time
In the draw for stations In the final heatnutcheun was placed ou the No 1 path JGood l 3i yards lied the second lane T Kerrhr4 yards the third and li Massey 8W yardstile fourth TlireeiiuxrtorB of an hour nailelapsed between the end of time second rountanti the dual heat When the men toed thoumarks hardly a Bound could ba heard from tb-
axt gathering of speetntorH The final bettingwas 6 to 4 each against llutchene and Nasser5 to 1 aualnnt Iverr nnd 1UH to 1 against God
At the llrst tlmOl balui set1 upon theirmarks Good flinched und they were called oftby the marksman At time > econd attempt allstood stilt 11 h statues and Ellin fired the plitolto n Bplendld start Tho two lenders herr seaMassy both hogan well und they cents awaytogether but as In his previous heats Hutchens lt Ills murk at n great pace and beforhalf the distant had been traversed be h1dtspOHedof Good and wemit on alter Krr andMassey Sive yard from ihe tape tile triowere all close together end they passid epost so clot that It was tcooght s-
eultydi
would belound in determining tDe Iapr but the referee at one ran UP aid plihis hand on Hntohans the verdict bln OS 5 0post Kerr was a few inches behind lsUulvt hlle Good was beaten olf several rnrds
The time of the llnnl best wits hMf n yardbetter than 12 soecntie which Is half liJNslower thmi time ilruitf hlimtthuitse eonl triallioiit Ho conceded il yards Ki herr nnJ-
eyMis
In 192 yards anti as both tinhe runnariare oonsldorod onlv one yard worse tfiin eventime for that distance It makex oUt llutcbati-itobe stilet l to run over tire yards InslJ JJtime Hutobensa last win previous to tbl onatook plaofeb 21 1882 Ji hM yun 0on slope then in Ohistfleldl lsan9Jo4VS i°
1
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