The five Love Languages of Children The instruction book you wish you had read before they were born

The five Love Languages of ChildrenThe instruction book you wish you had read before they were born.

I think my children know they are loved

But do they really know just how much I love them.

I love you all the way to the moon and back!

I love you more than a new puppy smell

I love you no matter what. I may not always like what you do, but I always love you! You are my sunshine!

Love is the FoundationLove Language 1

Week 1

Speaking your child’s Love Language

• Chill Out Get a life How cool is that You rock

• You’re lame sick RAD Gnarly

• It’s like like a valley girl would say Watuspwiddat? Really?

• Whatever Cool Beans Groovy You’re the bees knees Icarabma!

• You’re the bomb Take a chill pill Hello, McFly are you in there?

• Emoticom’s Totally Awesome

Love is the FoundationFilling the emotional tankHow a child feels lovedA “No matter what kind of LoveLove and a whole lot moreLove is the greatest

Early yearsAdolescenceLove and our children's feelings

How to communicate your loveMotivating through your behaviorSpeaking your child's love language

Filling the emotional Tank

• Speak your child's love language to fill his tank with love

• What is a tank a place of emotional strength to fuel him thru the challenging days of childhood

• What do you fill it with? Unconditional Love

• Unconditional love accepts a child for who he is not what he does

Filling the emotional Tank

• It is necessary to train/discipline(teach) our children

• It is much easier to train and teach when emotional tanks are full

• Parents want children to feel loved, but few know how to adequately convey that feeling

• Parents who learn to unconditionally love will let their children know how much the they are truly loved

How a Child Feels LovedThere are 5 ways a child (all people) speak and understand emotional love

• Physical Touch

•Words of Affirmation

• Quality time

• Gifts

• Acts of Service

A “No Matter What” Kind of Love

Unconditional love = I love you regardless of:

•What you look like

• Your assets or liabilities

•My expectations of you

• How you act

Love and a Whole Lot More

• Need for love

• Need for healthy self esteem

• Need for security and safety

• Need to develop relational skills

• Need to develop special gifts

Love is the Greatest• Without food child starves

• Without love child starves emotionally

• Emotional foundation first 18 months of life• Mother/child relationship• Food for future emotional health physical touch, kind words, tender care

• Toddlers sense of identity – separate from love object• Removes self from person she depends on• Learns to love more actively• Possessing the loved one rather than self giving

Love is the Greatest• Toddler years

• Foundation of love affects childs ability to learn• Need to reach level of emotional maturity for effective learning

• Adolescent years• Full tank entering these years is a necessity• Children raised with condtional love learn to love that way• By adolescence they will often manipulate their parents• When pleased they please their parents• When not pleased they frustrate their parents• This vicious cycle turns to anger, resentment, acting out by teenagers

Love is the Greatest• Love and our Children’s feelings• Children are emotional beings• First understandings are emotional• Mother’s emotional state affects the baby• Fetus responds to mothers anger or happiness• Children as they grow are extremely sensitive to their parents emotional state• Why are you so angry Dad?• What are you so happy about Daddy?

• Communicate love in language children understand• Unconditional love is in place first

How to Communicate Your Love• Sad truth – few children feel unconditionally loved• But also true parents deeply love their children• Few know how to transfer heartfelt love to hearts of their children• Motivating thru your behavior• Children are behaviorally motivated• Love them on their terms

• Example: You had terrible day, feeling down and discouraged, don’t feel loving but you can give your love even when you don’t feel loving. Childern are even more grateful you are able to be loving, no matter how you feel inside

• John “Dear Children let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and truth”• Behavioral expressions of love include, physical touch, quality time, gifts, acts of service,

words of affirmation

Love is the Greatest• Speaking your child’s love language• Your child has one primary love language that best communicates how to

love him/her• Don’t expect to be able to pinpoint this in children under 5• Just speak all five languages to the under 5 crowd• Tender touch, supporting words, quality time, gifts, acts of service

• When you discover the primary language of your child she receives the love she needs• Don’t assume everything will proceed normally• Like a flower, will benefit from the water of your love

Love is the Greatest• Speaking your child's love language

• Now you have to teach this to your children showing them all 5 languages• They will use these for themselves• People they live with and associate with will benefit • Adults give and receive appreciation thru all the love languages• If this is not something you have done in the past, you too will change and grow in

understanding and the quality of your relationships• In time you will have a truly multilingual family

Love Language #1 Physical Touch

• Physical touch is the easiest love language to use unconditionally• Language of touch is not limited to hugging and kissing• Any kind of physical contact gentle touch on the back, arm or shoulder• Limited physical touch can be a pattern, parents may not know how to change it• Making changes start small touch on arm• Working up to increasing this love language• Story of Fred and Janie

A Young Child’s need for touch• Research studies came to the same conclusion that Fred did• Babies that are held, hugged and kissed develop a healthier emotional life than babies

who are left for long periods of time without physical contact• Physical touch is love languages strongest voices it shouts “I love you”• Not a modern notion, first century AD Hebrews in Palestine brought children to Jesus

“to have him touch them”. • Mark thinking Jesus was too busy with “important matters than to spend time on

children rebuked the parents• Jesus said to him “ Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the

kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will not enter it”

• All children need the hugs and caresses of adults to feel the truth of “I Love You”

Touch thru the growing years• Infants and toddlers• Children need plenty touches first few years• Holding and cuddling an infant instinctual for mothers and most cultures fathers• Busy America parents do not touch children as much as their own parents touched them• An infant can tell difference between gentle and harsh irritating touches so choose childcare

with care• As baby grows need for touch does not lessen• Hugs, kisses, wrestling on the floor, riding piggy back vital to child’s development• Boys and Girls need physical affection alike• Sometimes boys receive less as parents feel this will somehow feminize a boy• This is not true, keep the emotional tank full the healthier the child’s self esteem and sexual

identity will be

School age child• Child begins school desperate need for physical touch• Hug given as they leave very important• Home is place where love is secure, physical touch is one of loves strong languages• Boys seven to nine stage where resistant to affectionate touch need• Wrestling, jostiling, playful hitting, bear hugs, give me fives

• Girls do not go thru the resistant stage• Physical touch playing games, basketball, football, soccer combing quality time and

physical touch• Running your hand thru childs hair, touch on shoulder or arm, pat on back or leg all

meaningful expressions• Hold child while reading a story, maintains touch for longer period of time

A child’s approaching adolescence• Most difficult pare of childhood• Emotional love tank grows with child and needs more to be full• Fuel their tanks with love• Preadolescent (around age 11)girls need expressions of love from fathers• She unconsciously knows needs to have good sexual identity • Some girls do not resort to awkward behavior with boys• They can be themselves because of healthy esteem and sexual identity• Girls w/strong self esteem and sexual identity better against peer pressure• Hold on to moral standards taught at home and think for themselves• Difference between those who do and don’t emotional love tank is full

Teens and touch

• Teen years show your love in positive ways right times and places• Mothers never hug a son in presence of peers• Some fathers withdraw from hugging and kissing teenage daughters feeling

inappropriate at this stage – the opposite is true• Girls need hugs and kisses of father otherwise will seek physical touch from another

male • Unless girl initiates hugs in public, refrain• Physical touch from same sex parent also important• Fathers hugging sons and mothers hugging daughters appropriate at every stage

development

When your Child’s Primary language is touch

• Is your child’s primary language touch?• Physical touch will communicate love more deeply than:• Saying I love you• Giving a present• Fixing a bicycle• Spending time with them

If you are not by nature a toucher

• Start by touching yourself – we are serious• Take your hand and touch your arm

• Begin at the wrist and work way up to shoulder

• Run hands thru hair massaging scalp

• Sit up straight and pat both legs

• Lean over and touch your feet

• Repeat once a day till you feel comfortable touching your child or spouse

• Set a goal to touch them every day – anyone can learn the love language of touch

March 8Love Language 2 Words of AffirmationLove language 3 Quality time

Love Language 2 Words of Affirmation

• In communicating Love words are powerful

• Conversely cutting words spoken out of frustration hurt

• Ancient Hebrew proverb “The tongur has the power of life and death” was not overstated.

Words of Affection and Endearment•Long before children can understand meaning of words

the receive emotional messages• They don’t know what I love you means, but if you are reading a story at a point

in the story where the Childs feelings are warm and loving you can say I love you honey.

• Child will begin to understand what I love you means.

• Combine words of love with genuine praise for your child

Words of Praise• Affection and love mean expressing appreciation for the very being of a

child

• Praise for what the child does in achievements, behavior or attitudes

• Be careful what you say it may come across as insincere if you use the same phrases over and over again.

• Praise children you care about – make sure the praise is both true and justified

• Red hair story

Words of encouragement• Encourage means to instill courage – “That’s close, that’s good yes great

you’ve got it”

• The enemy of encouragement is anger

• A gentle answer turns away wrath – Proverbs 15:1

• Math teacher story

Words of Guidance• Encouraging words are most effective focused on specific effort

• Catch you child doing something good and commend him

• This takes longer but end result is worth it

• Direction guides your child's moral and ethical development

Words of Guidance

• Many parents view guidance as a list of prohibitions• Don’t drink but if you do, don’t drive• Don’t get pregnant• Don’t smoke• Don’t experiment with drugs• Don’t exceed the speed limit• The negative is necessary but only as part of the guidance a child receives

Your childs love language is Words of affirmation

• I love you should stand alone

• Keep a notebook for words of affirmation

• Say affirming things to your child at least 3 times a day

What the children say

• Mary 8 – I love my mother because she loves me, every day she tells me

• Lisa 12 – Broke arm and could not keep up with school work, they would understand when she was not feeling well never forced

• David 5 – My Mommy and Daddy love me Every day they say I love you.

• John 10 – been in foster homes since age 3. Asked if foster parents genuinely loved him answer was yes. The don’t yell and scream at me all the time.

Summary

Children who’s primary love language is works of affirmation,

nothing is more important to their sense of being loved

than to hear parents and other adults affirm this verbally.

Love language #3 Quality Time• What makes these children feel loved is parent’s undivided attention

• Focused attention

• Quality time is parent’s gift of presence

• You are important. I like being with you

Being together• Most import in quality time not where just doing something together

• Nurturing quality time will be at home alone with child

• Time with each child• Look for time to spend individually with each child• Susanna Wesley raised 10 children and spent an hour each week with each

Being together• Positive Eye contact• Pleasant loving eye contact –

• Looking into your childs eyes is a powerful way to convey love

• Not making eye contact can be used by some family members as a form of punishment.

• Give your love consistently no matter what

Sharing thoughts and feelings• Quality time not only for doing things together for knowing your child

better

• Get them active to get them talking • Create an environment where parent and child can talk about issues

• show how to:• Shoot a 3 pointer

• Throw a football

• Wash a car

• Wash dishes

Sharing thoughts and feelings• Quality time not only for doing things together for knowing your child

better

• Get them active to get them talking • Create an environment where parent and child can talk about issues

• show how to:• Shoot a 3 pointer

• Throw a football

• Wash a car

• Wash dishes

Quality conversations

• When a parent can reveal something of their own history• Dating relationship with spouse• Childhood

• Moral and spiritual issues

• Children never outgrow a need for quality conversation

Storytelling and conversations• Reading is a great way to begin bedtime ritual

• Use it as a way to teach about what feeling the characters are feeling

• Pause in the story to discuss the child's feeling about the characters

• Bedtime rituals are warm, close, gentle and relaxed just the opposite of the busy world in which so many parent live in

Planning for Quality time• Mealtimes are natural events around which to plan• Sit down and eat together, say grace and talk about your day’s

• Consider overnight trips• Overnight camping • Just a ½ hour or hour long walk

• You schedule other people in your calendar why not your children?

If your child’s love language is quality time

• Cook something together• Ask specific questions about the day that do not have a yes no answer• Take child to workplace with you and introduce them to your coworkers• Campout together even if just a tent in your yard• Take family walks or bike rides together• On a rainy day open up a photo album of when the child was younger

March 15Love Language 4 GiftsLove language 5 Acts of Service

Love Language 4 Gifts

The giving and receiving of gifts can be a powerful expression of love• When they are given and years later

• This language must be spoken with other languages that should be given along with a gift

The grace of giving

• Giving and receiving gifts to express love is a universal phenomenon

• Based on greek word charis which means grace or undeserved gift

• Expression of love for the individual given freely given by the donor

• When a parent offers a gift if the child will clean his room, this is not a true gift, but payment for services rendered

Make the most of giving• Grace of giving has little to do with size and cost of the gift, but has everything to do with

love

• Gifts during the great depression may have been a necessity like shoes or an orange

• Take a common gift and make it an expression of love – wrap school clothes as gift

• Demonstrate every gift luxury or necessity is a demonstration of your love

• Jesus gave us the ultimate gift our salvation

Distorted gift giving

• Be careful its tempting to shower children w/gifts as substitutes for love languages

• In rushed and affluent society, there is guilt for not spending time made up by gifts

• Parents substitute gifts for personal involvement

• Parents in a divorce situation – non custodial parent – story of Susan

Meaningful gift giving

• Gifts should be genuine expressions of love

• Not all gifts come from a store

• Wildflowers, unusual stones, driftwood, wrapped and presented creatively

• Presents that stimulate a child’s creativity

When child's love language is receiving gifts

• This is loves loudest voice for this child

• They see the gift as an extension of you and your love

• They want to share opening of the gift with you

• After opening they will hug you and thank you profusely

• They will make a special place in their room for a gift to display it

• All guests will be shown the gift

What the children say

• Frankie, five “my teacher loves me look what she gave me” child shows parent a blue ruler

• Lisa , six “Do you know the love man” points to an old man sitting on a bench. “He gives us gum”

• Michelle 16, when asked how she knew her parents loved her pointed to her clothing and shoes and said everything I have they have given me.

• Gifts are more than material objects they are tangible expressions that speak love deeply

Love language 5 Acts of Service• Jeremy heading off to college was asked what made him feel most loved

• My Dad helped me repair an old clunker that was my first car

• All the meals my Mom made even when she worked full time outside home

• I did not realize all the little things and big things they did for mean and how they helped me• Day you found out you would have a child, you signed up for full time service

• Acts of service are physically and emotionally demanding

Whom do you serve?

• As a marriage partner you serve your spouse

• As parents you serve your children

• Don’t view acts of service as a way to manipulate your children

• Your service can become a model for your children’s service and responsibility

Making service appropriate to age

• When your child is 4 you may still be making their bed as an act of service, but not at age 8

• Children can be taught how to do their own laundry

• We serve our children, but we serve them best by teaching them how to serve

• You can serve them by cooking for them, but you can better serve them by teaching them how to cook

• We help our children become their best by using their endowments from God

Shooting straight

• Some parents lean too far in the direction of letting their children figure things out for themselves

• Story of Will, Kathy and sons

Loving Service

• Service to a child so many years parents can forget acts they perform are expressions of love and will have long term effects

• Loving service is not slavery, but rather giving ones energy to others

• It is a gift given freely, not a necessity and not under coercion

• Because acts of service are daily, parents need to do an attitude check to be sure their acts of service are communicating love

Loving Service

• Service to a child so many years parents can forget acts they perform are expressions of love and will have long term effects

• Loving service is not slavery, but rather giving ones energy to others

• It is a gift given freely, not a necessity and not under coercion

• Because acts of service are daily, parents need to do an attitude check to be sure their acts of service are communicating love

Ultimate purpose of service• Is to have children emerge as mature adults who are able to give love to others thru

acts of service

• Bible suggests that sacrificial service is one way we please God

• While dining in the home of a prominent religions leader Jesus told his hostWhen you give a luncheon or dinner, do not invite your friends, your brothers or relatives or your rich neighbors; if you do, they may invite you back and so you will be repaid. But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind and you will be blessed

Luke 14:12-14

• Perform acts of service with compassion and genuine love