Supporting Children Who Take Us to the End of Your Rope Daniel Hodgins DKJ5075@aol.com

Supporting Children Who Take Us to the End of Your Rope

Daniel HodginsDKJ5075@aol.com

www.danieljhodgins.com

Children with challenging behaviors are often looking for what they are

good at…

Adults often give attention to negative behaviors that

challenging children are good at.

Chris is his Name

Chris is his name and pushing is his gameYou can catch him pushing, in the sun and

rainHe is pushing high, and pushing lowHe is pushing, pushing, wherever he goes.So if you want some pushing and you don’t

know what to doJust go ask Chris and he’ll help you.

What is Chris Good At?

He is not bad at pushing.

He is good at it!

Swearing

Have you ever heard a child swear?

They are not bad at it,

They are good at it:

Sometimes it is the time they are most articulate, use letters in a complete sentence and use more then one word….

Disappearance of Play:

• Children are lured indoors with electronic devices

• Creativity is not encouraged• Amount of outdoor time is declining• Safety issues/concerns• Over-emphasis on academics• Wanting the right answers not the

most interesting

The study of Texas prisons found that the absence of play in their

childhood was as important as any other single factor in predicting their

crimes.Stuart Brown, MD

A bully believes that

“If you can’t be the best, I’ll be the wors

t”

When Faced with Challenging Behaviors Adults often:

• Perceive the behavior as deliberate noncompliance

• Attempt to “control”

• Neglect to address the needs of the child

• Engage in power struggles

Three Questions to Ask Yourself When Developing Discipline

Techniques:• What challenging behaviors bother me the

most?

• What practices do I use most often with these challenging behaviors?

• What do I need to change to make my beliefs and practices decrease challenging behaviors?

What Challenging Behaviors bother me the most?

1

2

3

4

5

What strategies do I use with these behaviors that bother me?

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Most Common Challenging Behaviors Reported by Adults

• Biting• Hitting or pinching• Throwing objects• Swearing• Name calling• Tattling• Whining• Refusing to share• Disrupting • Running• Throwing tantrums• Non-participation

What Are the Major Causes of Challenging Behaviors?

Unclear Messages

Saying What We Mean….

Most Common Unclear Messages:

• “use your inside voice”

• “use your walking feet”

• “be nice to your friends”

• “use kinder words”

• “in five more minutes, it will be time to clean up”

If the message is unclear to children, they will interpret it anyway they

wish.

The interpretation maybe completely different then the message sent….

Boys and Girls Sometimes See Details Differently

American School Board Journal; Learning and Gender; Michael Gurian

ACSD: Educational Leadership: With Boys and Girls in Mind

Girls often see the details of the experiences

The Female brain often receives more

information than boys.Moir & Jessel

Females have a wider peripheral vision, because they have more of the receptor rods and cones in the retina, at the back of the eyeball, to receive a wider arc of

visual input.Moir & Jessel

Messages

Unclear“Use your inside voice”

“Use your walking feet”

“Be nice to your friends”

“Use Kinder words”

“In five more minutes it will be time to clean up”

Clear

Bunnies and Kittens

How Boys and Girls Tell Stories:Vivian Paley

Girls Story:“once there were four kittens and they found a pretty

bunny. They went to buy the bunny some food and they fed the baby bunny and then they went on a picnic.”

Boys Story:“We sneaked up in the house. Then we put the bad

guys in jail. Then we killed some of the good guys. Then the four bad guys got some money and some jewels.”

Too Many Rules

Rules should be set up as “Guardrails”

Setting up the environment so that

children are guided with choices.

Guardrails need to be:

• Simple

• Have consistent follow through

• Pertain to the child’s stage of understanding

• Must be enforceable

• Individual not group

When we have group rules, egocentric children

believe you are not talking to them.

Ex. “boys and girls no running”

Rules that are often broken:

• “No running”

• “No hitting”

• “No taking toys from someone else”

• “No loud voices”

What Rules do you

have and how do

you enforce them?

Rules:You may be under the spell from:

• Your family rules

• Your neighborhood rules

• Your school rules

• Your religion rules

What Are the Rules you hadin your

Childhood?

Rules from your Childhood

• “no elbows on the table”• “eat everything off your plate, there are people

starving in China”• “no singing at the table”• “were you born in a barn?”• “what happens in this house stays in this house”• “always wear clean underwear when you leave

the house, because you never know when you are going to get in an accident”

To Follow Rules the following skills are needed:

• Skill 1 - sensitivity to the viewpoints of others

• Skill 2 - ability for mutual understanding

• Skill 3 - willingness to delay gratification

• Skill 4 - high degree of cooperation

Hughes (1991)

Do you know adults

who do not have these skills yet?

Boys are often labeled ADHD six times more often than Girls…..

Signs that are often used to identify ADHD in Preschoolers:

• Inability to sustain attention• Fidgets• Lack of interest in quiet activities• Can be talkative• Clumsy• Difficulty waiting for turns• May grab toys from othersThis describes more then 75% of children in preschool?

Are they really ADHD or are they simply

Highly Active?Very Bored?

A boy’s brain frequently develops from the back (the doing part)

towards the front (the thinking part)

Girl’s brains develop more from the front to the back.

Anne Moir, Brain Sex

Frontal Lobe Development

• For females around 16 - 18 years of age

• For males around 21-25 years of age

You must have a fully developed frontal lope to recognize the difference between right and wrong.

Leonard Sax

Frontal Lobe Statements:

• “Make a better choice”

• “How would you like it if someone hit you?”

• “You don’t want to hurt your friends do you?”

• “Use your words, not your hands”

Expectations that cause Failure:

What Causes Failure?

• Competition

• Standing in lines

• Waiting my turn

• Asking children to share

• Expecting them to act like a little adult

Failure:

When a child is placed in failure experiences he/she will do anything to avoid it.

Even if that means getting hurt or hurting.

Failure adds so much stress to the brain.

Leo Toupin

I Can’t be a good looser until I have lots of experiences feeling

successful.Clare Cherry

Attention

You can never get enough….

I get lots of Attention when

• I scream• I run• I hit• I throw tantrums• I smile when I have done something you don’t

like• I say “make me, you are not my mom”• I make enemies• I make “all hell break loose”

Avoid saying:“Use your words”

“I don’t have them yet”…

Males emotional response is on the right side of his brain, while the power to express his feelings

in speech is on the left side.

Because the two sides are connected by a very small Corpus, the flow of information

between one side of the brain and the other is restricted.

It doesn’t mean that boys don’t

care…It often has to

relate to a physical task

Girls Emotional side of the brain will

Initiate and motivate the

Cognitive Side.Sometimes

decisions are made on emotions…..

Choosing Friends

• If you are next to me, you are my friend.

• If you give me what I want, you are my friend.

Developmental Issues vs. Moral Issues

Yankee Doodle:

Yankee Doodle went to town

A riding on a spider.

Stuck an apple up his butt

And peed apple cider….

CJ 8 yrs. of age

Typical Developmental Behaviors of Young Children

• Picking their nose

• Pushing/shoving

• Not listening

• Taking toys

Keep the strategy that you use with children at their developmental

level.

Avoid a strategy that uses a moral implication. Their brains are not set

up to receive it yet.

You Assume I CARE!

Adults must learn to be less egocentric

than the child.

Bev Bos

Stages of Social PlayParten

• Solitary Play (playing by myself)

• Parallel Play (side by side play)

• Onlooker Play (watching from a distance)

• Associative Play(playing in small herds without understanding rules)

• Cooperative Play(playing in groups, recognizing others needs)

Not all children are “ready” for a group experience.

Social skills for some children take a long time…

Placing them in a group doesn't’t mean they will

become part of it….

Are there other options?

• One on One

• Small clusters

• Less distractions

• “Caves”

Strategies for Success:

Look at Transitions

These times are very difficult for children, especially the challenging

child……

Transitions:

• Limit the number of times all children have to transition between one activity and another

• Minimize wait time

• Warn children in advance

• Avoid lines

• Provide children with something to do during transition times

Visual Cues

Many children are visual learners.

They need visual cues for warnings…..

Boys are often better with short term memory. Girls are often better

with long term memory.

Boys often don’t remember what you told them.

Each time the incidence happens, it is like it

never took place before.

How often do you say?

• “walk”

• “use your inside voice”

• “flush the toilet”

• “be nice to your friends”

Avoid Activities that are not Relevant to Children

When they are bored they will create their own experiences. Some of which are not what

adults want.

What is not relevant to children under the age of five:

• The Date, Month and Year

• Colors

• Shapes

• Numbers

• Manners

What is Relevant to Children?

• Not Relevant

Date

Colors

Shapes

Numbers

Manners

• Relevant

If information is not relevant it will be pruned from the brain within five

minutes….

Ken Horn

Adults have been reported to spend 71%

of the day teaching information that is not

relevant.

David Elkind

Stop asking children to sit like a “Pretzel” or “Criss Cross

Applesauce” its not normal.

Sharing means…I understand that someone else has the same needs as

me..

I don’t think so!!!!!

Sharing

• Can I keep it as long as I want?

• Do you have multiples of the same?

• If I don’t share am I still good?

• What does the child do, while he/she is waiting?

75

Change the rule“We share our toys here”

to

“It is hard to share, you decide when you are ready”

76

Practices that fit what we know about children

• They like to run

• They sometimes like to use an “outside voice”

• They don’t share well

• They like to be physical

Playing“Wild Dogs”

If boys respond frequently by using loud voices

Why are we always saying

“use you inside voice?”

New Rules for Challenging Children:

• Be Loud

• Run a lot

• Try not to share

• Talk a lot

• Look at it before you flush it

Do adults give the message that loud children are not as good as

quiet children?

Elements that Enhance Children’s Well Being:

• Places for investigating and exploring• A space they can call their own• Hiding places• A place to get higher• Digging to China• Having enough• Water everywhere• No clutter on the walls

Children’s Well Being

Elements• Investigating space• Space of their own• Hiding places• How to get higher• Digging spaces• Having enough• Water everywhere• Wall space clutter

Changes

Share Soothing Skills:• Massage

• Sucking

• Music

• Rocking

• Water

• Others?

A Child who is in Distress, often doesn't’t recognize the feelings of others….

They will need “coaching”

What is the Challenging Child Communicating to You?

• “You are asking me to do something that is too difficult?”

• “I cannot cope with being a part of the group right now?”

• “I want that toy, but don’t know how to ask for it?”

• “I’m bored, are you paying attention?”• “I’m not comfortable sitting here so long?”• “I cannot believe that you are asking me to

share you with the other children?”

Focus always on what you want them to do:

• NOT TO DO• “stop hitting your friends,

they don’t like it when you do that”

• “we don’t take toys away from others”

• “what is the magic word?”• “stop running, you might

fall and get hurt”• “it isn’t nice to call are

friends names”

• DO

The more opportunities we give children to attain power

The less they will need to create negative behaviors.

Every species is looking for power.

What is a Power Struggle?

An Individuals Need for CONTROL

When do power struggles occur most often?

• Mealtimes• Clean up times• When you are in a hurry• Whenever anyone is angry• Naptimes• When sharing is forced• Adults asking for something to be done• All the time for some children….

Notice how often these are times that are adult directed and often adult

controlled….

Power Builders:• Moveable parts• Choices• Roughhousing• Being louder• Healthy bullying• Construction• Pounding• Getting higher• Singing• Movement

Painting an airplane, from the block area

Standing High

Figuring it out

Race Car Driving

Pounding

Being in Control

Spray Painting

What “Real” Choices do children have?

• Do I have to come to circle time?

• Do I have to sit down to eat?

• Do I have to pick up toys by myself?

• Do I have to always do what you tell me?

Look at how much time during the day is child-choice

Vs.Adult Choice?

Children who wish to attain POWER are

looking for you, to push your buttons….

Choose not to let that happen.

Ask Yourself:

• Do you have any control over it?

• Can you do anything about it?

• Is it really that bad?

• Will the world end, if I don’t step in?

Sometimes you just need to

GET OVER IT!

If you don’t want superhero or gun play

What will you replace it with that is just as powerful?

There has been NO evidence that “Zero Tolerance” policies have

Decreased violence…..

When young children pretend “gun play”

They are not practicing to be “Killers” they are just trying to find who has

the POWER!

What Superhero Were You?

Are you still playing that

superhero as an adult?

I am a “born again” supporter of Superhero Play….

Pirate Song

When I was one, I had some funOn the day I went to seaI jumped aboard a pirate shipAnd the captain said to me.Go this way, that wayForwards, backwardsOver the deep blue sea.

Support Risk Taking

It helps develop safety skills

Allow Risk Taking

• Non Risks

“Only build as high as your eyes”

“Go up the ladder and down the slide”

“Be careful”

“You can hurt someone”

• Risk

“Wow, look how high it is getting”

“Go up the slide and down the ladder”

“Hang on with both hands”

“Stand back everyone”

Building Higher Then Their Eyes

How will you support the Active Child?

Active Play isn’t always…..

• Organized

• Planned

• Filled with rules

What to look for in Active Learners?

• Move around a lot• Prance frequently• More non verbal• Often do not understand consequences• Sit on the edge of their chair, or tilt it back and

forth• Sometime knock over children who are in

his/her way

Celebrating the Active Child:Activity• Meal time

• Small Group

• Nap time

• Large Group

• Arrival/Departure

Change

Active Body, Active Mind

• “If the body isn’t moving, I don’t understand anything”

• “Sitting is not natural”

• “Sitting Criss-Cross applesauce or the Pretzel style is not healthy”

How often are children sitting down during the

day?

Bring Back Roughhousing

• Red Rover, Red Rover• Ring Around the Rosie• London Bridge• Kick the Can• Billy Goat Gruff• Arm Wrestling• Tag• Tug of War

Their seems to be a connection between the lack of rough and

tumble play and ADHDNikki Gordon

A community of Rollers

Remember there is no Licensing Rule that prevents

Roughhousing…

How Much Space Do I NEED?

Girls usually need far less space than boys.

Boys require (two arms length of space) between each other)

Ask Yourself:

• Is it an unmet need?

• Is it a lack of skill?

• Is it a lack of fit?

Always focus on the child that has the problem,

Not the child who is causing the problem….

Why Punishment Fails?

• It makes children mad

• It models the use of power

• It eventually loses its effectiveness

• It erodes our relationship with children

• It distracts children from the important issues

• It makes children more self-centered

Remember you only have control of yourself….

What Changes Will You Make?

Consider the Following Questions:

• What do you know about the child’s history?• What is the child’s behavior that most concerns you?• What changes in the environment could you make?• What positive guidance techniques can I use?• How can I help the child feel a sense of belonging?• What can I do to help the child manage anger?• How can I engage the family?• What do I have to change in myself?

Climate of Trust:

• Somebody is listening to me

• Somebody is encouraging me

• Somebody accepts my uniqueness