DAVID HARROWER

DAVIDHARROWER

Blackbird

ForSelma

Contents

TitlePage

Dedication

Acknowledgements

FirstPerformance

Blackbird

AbouttheAuthor

ByDavidHarrowerfromFaber

Copyright

Acknowledgements

ThisplaywaswrittenwhileIwastheEdinburghInternationalFestivalCreativeFellow2004attheInstitutefortheAdvancedStudiesinthe

HumanitiesatEdinburghUniversity.

MythankstoBrianMcMaster,DirectoroftheEIF,andatIASHtheformerDirector,JohnFrow,AntheaTaylorandDonaldFergusonandallthe

FellowsImetduringmytimethere.

Blackbird was commissioned by the Edinburgh International Festival andwas first presented in theKing’sTheatre, Edinburgh, on 15August 2005.TheproductiontransferredtotheAlberyTheatre,London,from7February2006, where it was produced byMichael Edwards and CaroleWinter forMJEProductions.Thecastwasasfollows:

UnaJodhiMayRayRogerAllam

DirectorPeterSteinSetDesignerFerdinandWögerbauerCostumeDesignerMoideleBickelLightingDesignerJaphyWeidemanComposerArturoAnnecchinoSoundFerdinandoNicciAssociateDirectorDavidSalter

Una,latetwenties.Coat,dress,gloves;carriesabag.Ray,mid-fifties.Trousers,shirt,tie;amobilephoneclippedtohisbelt.

Inaroominwhichthere’salowtable,severalchairs,severallockers.Thedoorisclosed.

Aswing-topbin,fulloflitter.

Onthefloor,aroundthechairs,moreabandonedlitter–foodpackagingmostly,withbitsoffoodstillvisible.

Anoblongfrostedwindowthroughwhichpassingfigurescanoccasionallybeseen.

Una Shock.

Ray Ofcourse.Yes.Now

Pause.

Una And

Ray Wait.

Pause.

Hegoestothecloseddoor,opensitasmallway.

Una Youwerebusy.

Ray Yes.

Una They

Ray Istillambusy.Iwaswithoneoftheourmanagers.We’reinthemiddleofsomething.They

SoImightIwillbesentfor.Iwillgetcalledaway.I’mstillneeded.

Una Don’tpeoplehavehomes?

Ray Homes?

Una Outside.

Ray Idon’t

Una Togoto.Homestogoto.They’restillworking.It’slate.

Ray We’refinishingsoon.They’llbegoingsoon.Anordercameindelayedandofcoursebutwehavetoprocessitnomatterhowlate.AndlateisThetime’snotaconsideration.Wehavetoprocesstheorderandthendispatchit.It’saveryquickturnaround.

Una Dotheygohomewhenyoutellthem?

Ray No.ButI,Imakesurealliswhenthework’sdone.Ihavetomakesure.

Una Butsowhatdoyouactuallymakehere?

Ray It’sDentistry.

Una Because

Ray Sometimespharmaceutical.

Una Thenameonthefront.Youcan’ttell.LikeoneofthoselowbuildingsyoupassIpassedonthemotorway,onthewayhere.Lowbuildings,alwaysone-storey,andyouyouCarsparkedoutsidenocluewhat’shappeninginside.Onlyadigitalclockthingontheoutsidetellingwhatthetemperature

is.Thisislikethat.Thebarrieratthegate.

Ray’sbeguntopickupsomeoftherubbish.

Thisiswhereyoueat?

Ray No.Notinhere.Notme.Thestaffdo.

Una Theyshouldn’tleaveitlikethis.Thefloor.

Hetakestherubbishtothebin.

It’stoofull.

Hecramsitintothebin.

Wheredoyoueat?

Ray Areyouonyourown?

Una Yes.Youmeanalone?

Ray Yes.Byyourself.

Una Yes.

Ray Canyoutellmewhyyou’rehere?What’veyoucomeherefor?

Una Dotheygetbreaks?Fagbreaks?Willanyofthem

Ray No.Toolatenow.

Una Wewon’tbeinterrupted?Idon’twantpeoplewalkinginhere.

Ray Whatistheretointerrupt?Whatareyouwanting?Ihaven’tmuchtime.

Una Isaw

Ray AndtobehonestI

Una What?

Ray IIdon’thavetobeinherewithyou.Youknowthat,don’tyou?You’reawareofthat?Idon’thavetostayhere.DoI?

Una No.You’reright.

Ray Idon’thavetolisten.Idon’thavetosayanything.SobutafewminutesacoupleofminutesandthenyouwillhavetogoandbecauseIwillbeneededback.

Hestepsonsomediscardedfoodinawrapper,notnoticingit.

Una Watch.

Theyhaven’tfinishedthat.Someone’sjustleftitthere.Youshouldsaysomethingaboutthat.

Hepicksitup.

Ray They’vebeentold.They’reconstantlybeingtold.

Hetakesthewrappertothebin,pushesitin.

Aknockatthedoor.

Hewalkstothedoor,opensitasmallwaytoseewho’sthere.

Hestepsout,closesitbehindhim.

Unalooksaroundtheroom,thensits.

Rayre-enters.

Heclosesthedoorbutnotfully;thesamewidthasbefore.

Whydon’twegooutside?

Una Where?

Ray Outofhere.Outside.

Una No.

Ray Thecarparkorthe

Una I’mfinehere.

Ray It’s

Una Youpushedmeinhere.

Ray Ididn’tpush

Una Outofsight.

Ray Ididn’tpushyou.Ibroughtyouinhere.

Una They’llwonderwhoIam,willthey?

Ray Theyallsawyou.Soyes.I’msuretheywill.They

Una Youkeptmewaiting,Peter.Iwasstandingtherefor

Ray Whatdoyouwant?Willyou

Una CanIclosethedoor?

Ray No.

Una Canyouclosethedoor?

Ray Thedoorstaysopen.

Una Why?I

Ray Idon’twantitclosed.

Una There’sadraught.

Ray We’regoingoutsideinaminute.

Una I’mherenow.Youbroughtme

Ray Ithinkthisisbetteroutside.Wecan

Una Closethedoor.

Hedoesn’tmove.

There’sacolddraughtcomingin.Idon’tlikeit.It’sI’llcloseitthen.

Pause.

Shegetsup,looksathim,goestothedoor.

Hetakesasteptowardsher,stops.

Shepushesthedoorshut,suddenly,loudly.

Thedoor ’sclosed.

Shelooksatsomelitternearthedoor.

Thepeoplewhojusttheyexpectotherpeopletocleanupafterthem.Iaskedamanhedroppedanemptycanbeercanandacrisppacketonthepavement.Droppedthem.Didn’tthinkaboutit,justletthemfall.Itoldhimtopickthemup.Helaughed.HethoughtIwasjoking.Hewas

Ray Willyou

Heblinks,rubsathiseyes.

Una withawoman.Bitch,shecalledme.Defendedhim.Helaughedall

Ray Howdidyoufindme?

Una InaItwasaphoto.Inamagazine.

Ray Where?What

Una Some

Ray Magazine?

Una Trademagazine.Promotional.Aglossymagazinething,ainawaitingroom.Adoctor ’swaitingroom.YouknowthethingI’mtalkingabout?

Ray Yes.

Una Therewasaphotoonthebackofit.Youandawithagroupofpeople.Ateam.Theycalledyouateam.Youwonanaward.SomeExcellenceorperformance.

Ray SoWhat?Yousawaphotograph?Yousawthisphoto

Una Youhavefriends?

Ray AnditYou

Una Friends?

Ray Yes.OfcourseIhavefriends,what

Una Newfriendsorthesameoldfriends?

Pause.

Youreyesarered.

Theylooklikethey’restinging.

Helaughsbrieflytohimself,rubbinghiseyesagain.

Ray Whatdidyoufeel?

Una Don’trubthem.

Ray Aphoto.Soyoudrovehere?

Una Yes.Youwanttoseeit?

Ray No,Idon’twanttoseeit.

Una ButyouknowthephotoI’m

Ray Yes

Una Stoprubbingthem.

Ray Theyhurt.

Una Becauseyou’rerubbingthem.

Ray Irubthembecausetheyhurt.It’stheonlywaytostopthemhurting.

Youdrovehere?

Una Yes.

Ray Howmanyhowlongdidittakeyou?WhereIdon’tbelieve

Una Isitme?AmImakingthathappen?Areyouallergictome?

Pause.

Hestaresather.

Areyounotgoingtotalk?

Ray We’regoingtowalkoutside.

Hemovestowardsher.

Onyourfeet.Willyougetupplease?We’regoingoutside.We’regoingtowalkthroughthe

Una Iwroteyouletters.

Ray Letters?

Una They

Ray Inevergotanyletters.

Una Theywere

Ray When?

Una neversent.

Pause.

Ray Whatdidtheysay?Whenwasthis?

Una Iwasn’tmeanttosendthem.Theytoldme,thepeoplewhohelpedme.ThewhoafterwardstowriteyoualetterletterstellingyouwhatIthoughtofyou.WhatIfelt.Wantedtosaytoyou.Tonotletitletyouhavewin.Authority.

Anditwas

Ray Authority?What’s

Una Iwrotehundreds.Pulloutyoureyes.IwrotethatIwantedtopulloutyoureyes,wrotepokethemout,stamp

onthem.Theeyesthat’dlookedatme.Thehands.ToAllkindsofthings.I’vestillgotthem.

Ray Youkeptthem?

Una Thebestones.Istillreadthemsometimes.Thefuryinthem.

ThenIhadtowriteabouthope.Theygotmetowriteabouthope.WhatIwasabletodo.WhatIwasfreetodonow.Whatthefuturewouldbethepromisingfuturethepromisethefutureheldinspiteofyoudespiteyouregardlessofyou.

Youdidn’tanswer.Newfriends?Ordidyouroldfriendsstandbyyou?

Ray Whatdoyouthink?

Una Ithink

Ithinkthefact

Ray Sixsevenhourstodrivehere.Forwhat?

Una Becauseinthatphotoyou’re

Ray Tomakemesuffer?

Una Iwouldn’tcallthatyoureyessuffering.Rubthemmorethen.Harder.

Ray Ididn’tneedtotalktoyou.Icould’vewalkedaway.I’munderno

Una Sothisman

Ray Whatman?

Una Thatmanwhodroppedthelitter,theit’snotthelitteritwasn’tthelitterthedirtying.Itwastheman,thepersondoingthat.Becausehehasn’tbeen,beenschoolededucatedcivilisedenough.AndIthought,andit’sifIwalkedintohishouseanddroppedlitteronhiscarpet.Butthestreets,thepavements,they’renotmyhouse,soIdon’tcareaboutthestreets.Ijustthoughtyouareabeast.Noonehasevercaredforyouproperlyandyou’retoostupidtoostupidtoevenknowthatoryouwouldn’tletotherpeopleseejustwhataseewhatyouare.

ThisYoudonotevenknowyouexist.

IaskedtospeaktoPeter.AndRayappeared.

Pause.

Ray Thiswaspointless.Absolutelypointless.Canyouseethat?Canyounotseethat?Whotoldyoutodothis?Whoeveradvisedthiswas

Una Noone.

Ray Thepeoplewhowhohelpedyou.Your

Una Istoppedseeingthemyearsago.They’renotthereforever.

Ray Thedoctor.AconfrontationWhatdotheycallit?TheFace-to-face.ToIdidn’tagreetothis.

Una No.

Ray Togetwhat?Youdon’thavetherighttomymymyhumiliation.WhereIwork.Wherepeopleare.Mycolleagues.Workcolleagues.

Walkingin,askingforme.I’venothingtosaytoyou.IYou’reasomekindofghostturningupfromnowheretoGohome.Please.Leavemealone.Gohome.

Una YouthinkIstillliveinthesamecity?

Ray Idon’tknow.Idon’tknowwhereyoulive.HowwouldIknowthat?

Una Ido.Istilllivethere.We

Ray Outofhereand

Una nevermoved.

Ray Gobackthere.Goback.

Una Idofeellikeaghost.Ido.Ifeellikeaghost.EverywhereIgo.Iwrotethatinmyletterstoo.Youmademeintoaghost.PeopletalkedaboutmeasifIwasn’tthere.Wouldn’tletmespeak.

Ray Gooutside.Go.I’mtellingyou.Listentome.

You’reWalkoutintotheair.Breatheair.Getinyourcar.Stopbeingaghost.You’llYouwillliveagain.Becausethisthisthisshouldshouldneverhavehappened.Becauseareyoufeelinganybetteryet?Isthisdoingyougood?

Una Yes.

Ray Thenthat’sThatisIcan’tsayanythingtoyou.YouYou’rebeyondHow?Howthehellisitgood?Tellmeexceptexceptbutyoudon’tknowwhatyouwant.Youdon’tknowwhyyou’rehere.Tellwhoeveritwassentyou

Una Nobody.Itoldyou.

Ray ThenIdon’tcare.

Hemakestogo.

Una Whereareyougoing?

Ray No.

Una Don’tgo.

Ray Idon’tcare.It’snotmyresponsibility.

Una I’llfollowyou.

Ray Dowhatyouwant.ThisisThisishell.

Stayawayfromme.Youneedhelp.

He’satthedoor.

Hegoesout.

Una Ray.Don’tleavemeinhere.

Here-enters,closesthedoor.

Pause.

Ray IhavethingsIhavetodo.Ihavetocheckthings.AndAfter.WhenIleave.Tonight.Ihavetobeplaces.Peoplearerelyingonme.

Una What?What’reyoudoing?

Ray ThethingisTheIdon’tevenknowifitisyou.Ifyou’reher.

Una Iam.OfcourseIam.

Ray Ididn’trecogniseyou.

Una Yesyoudid.

Ray Ididn’t.Idon’t.You.No.

Una Yourfacewentwhite.

Ray Not

Una Drainedwhite.

Ray NotnotwhenIsawyou.Ididn’tknowwhoyouwere.There’sawomanheretoseeyou.That’sallIwastold.

Una WhenIsaid

Ray YesyesbutIknowthename.Irememberthename.Jesusthename’sButyoucouldbea,afriendofhers.Yourhair ’sadifferentcolour.Ajournalist.A

Una I’mnot.

Ray Reporter,Idon’tknow.Idon’tknowwhatanyofthisismeanttobe.

Una Howmanyothertwelve-year-oldgirlshaveyouhadsexwith?

Pause.

Ray None.

Una Doyouwanttoseethebirthmark?Youkissedit.Orwhatyousaidtomeonthebeach.

PointingacrosstheseatotoHolland.Oronthebedinthatroomin

None?Wechange,twelve-year-olds.Wegrowuptobeolder.Sothink.

Ray None.

Una Justme.Inthatroom.

Ithoughtit’dbehardertolookatyou.Totalk.Inearlyturnedback.Butit’snot.It’seasy.AndIwould’verecognisedyouanywhere.Withmybacktoyou.IsawyoureyesbeforeIevensaidmyname.Isawyou.

Youhavesomeone?Youlivewithsomeone?Youdon’twanttotellme.Iknowyou’rewithawoman.ThewayIwaslookedatoutside.Thewayyouwerelookedatwhenyouwalkedtowardsme.Agoodwoman?Doesshe

Ray I’mnottalkingaboutherwith

Una Issheexpectingyouhome?

Pause.

Ray D’youwantmetosaysomething?Isthereanythingyouwantmetosaynow?

Una Doessheknowaboutme?

Ray Iwillnotsayanythingaboutmylife.Whoisinmylife.Ifthat’swhatyouwantedtofindoutandIdon’tknowwhyyouyouwouldwantthatbutyou’regettingnothing.Doyouunderstand?Doyouunderstand?

Pause.

Una Mydaddied.

Youdidn’tknow?Itdidn’treachyou?

Heshakeshishead.

Sixyearsago.Maybeyouweren’there.Maybeyouweresomewhereelse.

Ray Iwashere.How?

Una Hefelldown.Hetripped.Steps.AndDeteriorated.Henevergotoverit.HeYouwereaguestinourhome.Iwashisbaby.Heinvitedyouasaguestintohishome.Hetriedtofindyou.

Ray HeknewwhereIwasthefirstfouryears.

Una Hewantedtokillyou.

Notasecondthought.Hesaiditallthetime.ItwasHewould’vekilledyou.

Rayisstartled,unnervedbyherloudnessandtone.

Neartears,Unasearchesthroughherbag.

Raywatchesher,unsettled.

Ray What’sinthere?

What’sinyourbag?What’sinit?

Una Ineeda

Ray Givemeit

Una No.Why?

Ray What’reyoudoing?Areyou

Una What?

Ray Don’t.

Hegrabsthebagfromher.

Una You’re

Ray Doyouwanttokillme?

Pause.

Hegoesthroughthebag.

Hetakesoutapacketoftissues.

Una IwasgoingtoKleenexyoutodeath.

Sheholdsoutherhand.

Hegivesherthepacket.

Hetakesoutabottleofwater.

Andthat’sacid,notwater.

Hetakesoutthetornpagefromthetrademagazine.

Thephotoofhim.

Aknockonthedoor.

Avoicefrombehindthedoor.

voice Peter.

Pause.

Theylookateachother.

Raygoestothedoor.

Heopensthedoorslightly,looksoutthroughthegap.

Ray (topersonoutside)It’sfine.

Heclosesthedoor.

Hestillholdsthephoto.

Una WhenIsawitIthephoto.It’snotclear.ButIknewitwasyou.Itoreitout,tookithome,keptkeptlookingatit.Thenamebelow.Peter.Peter?Icouldn’tI’msoslowsometimes.Youchangedyourname.

Ray Yes.

Una Isthatdifficult?

Ray No.

No,itwasveryeasy.

Una ButImean,decide.Decideonanewone.Chooseanewname.Isithard?Doyoudoyougothroughhowmanybeforeyoudecide?Doyoumakealist?

Ray Ichoseanameatrandom.

Una How?

Ray Iopenedthephonebook.

Una Pinthetailonthedonkey.

Ray Kindof.

Una What’syourfullname?Peterwhat?PeterIcanaskoutside.

Ray Trevelyan.

Una PeterTrevelyan.

Ray Yes.

Pause.Shegivesaquicksmile,smothersit.

Una Wherethehelldidthatcomefrom?PeterTrevelyan?

Ray UnderT.Itwasnecessary.It

Una ButJesus.Trevelyan.Didyou

God,noThat’sToTothemanorborn.Thesilverspoon.It’sfromaphonebookatrandom?Wereyoudelirious?Diddelusionsofofgrandeur?BecauseJesus.Therichsleepsleepwithyounggirlstoo.Under-agegirls.Ruintheirlivestoo.Infacttherichmusthaveasmuchsexwithyounggirlsasthepoor.Theymustbeneckandneck.Butifitdoesthejob.IfitDoesit?Commandrespect?AndhelpyouHelpyou

Ray Okay.

Una forget.

Ray Enough.

Una Theydon’tknow.Anyofthem,outside.Dothey?AndyourThepartner?SheThetheladyofthemanor.Noone

Ray Sheknows.

Una Sheknows?

Ray Yes.

Una Howdoessheknow?

Ray Itoldher.

Una Everything?

Ray Thefacts.

Una Myage?

Ray Yes.

Una Yoursentence?

Ray Yes.

Una When?Atthestartofthe

Ray Yes.We’vebeentogethersevenyears.

Una Whatdidyoutellher?What?Tellmewhatyoutoldher?

Ray ThatwhenIwasfortyIhadIhadanillegalrelationship.Ihadsexwithaminor.

Una Andshewasfinewiththat?

Ray No.Ofcoursenot.ButIItoldherwhatmylifewaslikethen.Iwasn’tinagoodway.IhadproblemsandIdidn’tIcouldn’thandlethem.

Igavein.Ibrokeapart.

Una Didyou?

Ray Imadethebiggestmostmoststupidmistakeofmylife.

Una Youtoldheritwasa

Ray Awhat?

Una Athree-monthstupidmistakeyoumade.Thatyouranawaywithme.Thattoo?

Ray AndthatIpulledmyselfup.IIgotbackontrack.IYoulaugh.Youdon’tbelieveit.That’sfine.It’sfinewithme.Idon’tneedyouto.

Una Shebelievedyou.Youmanagedtomakeherbelieve

Ray Becauseshelovesme.

Una What’swrongwithher?Mustbesomethingwrongwithher.

Ray Don’tDonotsaythat.Don’ttalkabouther.Sheshehashelpedme.

Una Doyouhaveanychildrenwithher?

Ray No.

Una Doyouwantchildren?

Ray That’snotfunny.

Una D’youseemelaughing?No,Ithinkitis.

Shelaughsbriefly.

Heturnsaway.

Inthatphotothere’snothing.Nothinginyourface.Smiling.You’veforgotten.You’ve

Ray Yes.YesIhave.

Una TenyearslaterEighteightyearsnowyou’dbeontheregister.Yournamewouldbethere.Raywouldbethere.You’dbeYouwouldn’tbeabletoforget.Youcouldn’tPeterYou’dNoonewouldletyou.Itwouldn’tjustbeme.Peoplewouldbeoutsideyoursurroundingyourhouse.

Ray I’mlivingmylife.AnewlifethatIfoughtforbecauseIlost

Una Didyoueverthinkaboutme?

Ray Ihaveeveryright.IcanpushitasfarawayasI

Una Whatwashappeningtome?

Ray YouthinkIshouldreliveiteveryday?Thisismylife.Youcan’t

Una Whenthatjudge

Ray Youcan’tcomeinand

Una Sixyears.Andwhenmyparentstoldme.

Ray Iamentitledtosomething.Tolive.

Una Ididthesentence.Ididyoursentence.Forfifteenyears.Ilosteverything.Ilostmorethanyoueverdid.IlostbecauseIneverhadhadtimetototobegin.Wenevermoved.Thathouseinthatstreet.Iwastalkedabout,pointedat,staredat.Ilostallmyfriends.IIkeptmyname.Ihadtokeepmyname.IYes.Ire-liveiteveryday.

Ray IfyouwantmetowhateveritisyouwantmetoI’vetakenyouseriously.

ButifyoutellmeYoucan’tthinkaboutiteveryday.

Una Idon’thavetothink.It’sthere.

Ray Isthatwise?No.ToToletyourself?ToDoesnoonetellyouit’sD’younothavefriendspeoplewho

Una OfcourseIhavefriends.

Ray Whoknowthatyoudothis?

Una Yes.

Ray Andtheylisten?Theystill

Una Yes.

Ray Whatkindoffriendsarethey?Whatkindof

Una Don’ttalkabout

Ray Theyallowthis?TheyactuallyThey’rewaitingtohearfromyouarethey?Howthiswent?HowAretheyoutside?Didtheydriveyouhere?Arethey

Una There’snoonewithme.HowmanytimesdoIhavetotellyou?

Ray Doyouapartner?A

Una That’snothingtodowiththis.

Ray Doesanyonecareaboutyouatall?

Pause.

I’vedonethesame.I’vebroughtyouinhereLetletyoutalk.AndIwasandlistenedand

Una Whataboutthephotos?

Ray Whatdoyoudo?Doyouwork?Areyouabletowork?Haveyoutakentimeoffto

Una Thephotos.

Ray Whatphotos?

Una Thephotosyoutookofme.Inyourflat.Wherearethey?Theyneverfoundthem.

Ray I

Una Thepoliceneverfoundthem.

Ray They

Una I’veseenwebsites.Hundredsonwebsites.Hundredsofnine,ten,eleven,twelveyearsold.Younger.Photographedin

onbedsinbedroomsandAmIone?Becausethesesomeofthephotosgobacktotheseventiestheyyoucantellbytheroomandpeople,menscanthemandputthem,theythosekids’llbeadultsnowandnotknowthey’re

Ray Iburntthem.

Una Didyou?

Ray Yes.OfcourseIdid.Ofcourse.Nooneeversawthem.IburntthembeforeweBeforeweleft.Andtheyweren’tYouwerewearingyourclothes,jeansThey

Una Sittingonyoursofa.Lyingdown.They’vethesamephotoson

Ray Thosesites.ThatThosepeople.Thosesickbastards.Iwasneveroneofthem.Iwasneverthat.Youyou’vebeentoldIwas,Iam,ITheycalledmethat.They

Unamakestogo.

What’reyoudoing?

Una Iwanttoleavehere.

Ray No.Iwasnotoneofthem.Never.They

Una Letmeout.

Ray Wait.

Una Letme

Ray Ineedaminute.Sitdown.

Una No.

Ray Sitdown.

Una Don’tcomenearme.

Ray Notlikethis.Don’t

Una Iwanttogetoutofhere.Getawayfromthedoor.

Ray Listentome.

Una Moveoverthere.

Ray Listen.Ispentthreeyearsinhell.More.

Una Yes.

Ray Whattheycalledme.Spaton,kicked.Shit,humanshitthrowninmyface.YouknowIwasn’toneofthem.

Una How

Ray Youknow.

Una Idon’tknowyou.Idon’tknowanythingaboutyouexceptthatyouabusedme.Didn’tyou?Didn’tyou?

Ray Yes.But

Una There’snobut.

Ray Letme

Una Thereisnobut.

Ray Yes.Idid.But

Una Jesus.

Ray Ididn’tIdidn’t

Una Didn’twhat?

Ray TheysaidincourtI,ImadeitsoundmadeitlookthatI’dselectedyou.I’dchosen

Thatday.Thatdayofthebarbecue.AtWhenwetalkedforthefirsttime.Ididn’tcometoYouknow.

Onhisbelt,hismobilephonerings.

WhenIspoketoyouforthefirsttime.IWait.

Helooksatthephone’sscreen.

Heturnsitoff.

Pause.

Una Wasthather?

Ray Yes.CanIhavesomewater?

Hetakesthebottleofwater,drinksfromit.

Idon’tknowwhyheinvitedme,yourfather.IsaidhellotohimonthestreetwhenIsawhim.Ihelpedhimwithhiscaronce.ButIwassurprisedwhenheaskedme.Iwasn’tgoingtocome.Ididn’tknowanyonethere.OrneighbourswhoButI

MywindowswereopenandIcouldsmellthebarbecue.Fivedoorsaway.Thesmoke.

Itwasn’ttobecauseofyoutoI’dseenyouinthestreet.Around.ButnotNot

Una Youwerelookingatme.Atthebarbecue.

Ray No.

Una Isawyou

Ray Iwasn’t.

Una Ifeltyou.

Ray Ilookedatyou.Iwasn’tlooking.

Una Yousaidwhyaren’tyouhappy?Youshouldbehappy.Thefirstthingyousaid.

Ray Yes.Youweresittingonyourown.Nottalkingtoanyone.Youweren’tveryhappy.That’swhatIwaswatching.YouPeopletriedtotalktoyouandyouyougavethemnothing.You’dYou’dfallenoutwithyourbestfriend.Hadn’tyou?

Una IusedtothinkAfter.Ifwehadn’tfallenout.Ifshe’dbeenthere.Itcould’vebeenher.

Ray Howmanypeoplewerethere?Howmanyguests?Fifteen,twenty.Inyourgarden.Yourparents’smallgardenandYouknowwhenyouareApersonknows.Ireadthiswhenthey’rearousedbychildren

byunder-agepeople.

Una Youreadit?

Ray Yes.

Una There’sahandbook?

Ray There’s

Una Achecklist?

Ray Becausewhenyou’rearousedbychildrenwhen

Una Ireadsomeofthosebookstoo.

Ray SohaveI.SodidI.AsmanyasIcouldfindTotoYes,achecklist.Itwas,yes.Tofindouttotolearnthefacts.

Una Whatfacts?

Ray Thefacts.Thepatterns.Thethecycle.

Una Thecycle?

Ray Ofof

Una Abuse.

Ray Yes.

Una Can’tyousayit?

Ray Abuse.Abusing.

There’sfigures

Una Wereyouabusedasachild?

Ray No.

Una You’resure?RayYes.ForGod’ssake.Don’tIfeelsick.IthinkI’drememberthat.ThelawyeraskedmeifIhadbeen.ItwasbetterformeifIhadbeen.BetterbetterforeveryoneifIhadbeen.

Ireadthosebooks.Ithoughtaboutmylife.TobesureIwasn’toneofthem,oneofBecausefouryearsbeingtoldaskedtoaskmyselfinterrogatemyself.Beinggivenno

Becausewhenyouarewhenkidswhentheytheydoitforforapersonbuttheydon’twanttotoadmitthey’reshockedhorrifiedthattheytheyfeellikethis.Theystayaway.They’reathreatandtheyknowit.Theydistancethemselves.TheyBecausetheylovethembuttheylovethemtoomuchtotowanttoshowthatlovebecausethatloveis

Theywanttoprotectthem.Theystayawayfromwhereverchildrenwillbe.

Butifyou’rearoused.Dodesire.Andwanttowanttofeedthatdesiretheyfindwaystheythey’realwayslookingforwaystobenearthem.Tolurethem.Thesepeopleareveryverycarefulareveryverydeceptive.Thegreaterthedeceptionthegreatertheriskthemoretheyenjoyit.

Una Didyoumemorisethesebooks?

Ray Itwasahotday.Thedayofthebarbecue.IandIhadapairofshortson.Myonlypairofshorts.Ionlyeverownonepairatatime.Iwearonepairuntilthey’reoldandthenbuynewones.BecauseIdon’t

Una What

Ray wearshorts.

Una Areyou

Ray Ineverwearshortsunlessit’sveryhot.

Una Shorts?

Ray Andtheyweretightshorts.Itwasthestylethen.

TheDon’tsmile.Don’tI’mtryingtotellyou.Don’tTheylaughedincourt.Theylaughedatthatincourt.Iremembertheseshorts.

Una Doyouhearyourself?Yourtightshorts?Doyouknowhow

Ray IfIhadanerection

IfIhadanerection.Aroused.Iwasstandingbesideyou.Iwould’veIwould’vewalkedawayfromyouorsatdownorbecausewhenIhadanerectioninthoseshortsitwasYoucouldn’tmissit.Itwasobvious.Anypersonlookingcouldplainlyseeanyguestwould’veseen.Theywould’veAndit’snotIknowit’snottheonlyindicationbutbutitisforme.WhenIamwhenIturnedonIgohard.Igohardimmediately.ButIstayedthere.Istayedthereandtalkedtoyou.Youweresomeone’s

aneighbour ’sdaughterwhowhowasannoyedattheworldthatday.Notnotatarget.Inever

IhadaIwasseeingawoman.AndIknowtheythosepeoplecanhaverelationshipsandstilldowhattheydo.Butmostofthemnotdon’t.They’reloners.Incapableofhavinga

Pause.

Una Myparentsthoughtyouwere

Ray What?

Una Shy.Abitdull.Andaloner.Whyyouhadn’tbroughtyourgirlfriend.Mydadsaidyoucouldbringher.

Ray Shewasn’tmygirlfriend.Shewas

Una Yousawalotofher.

Ray Ionlysawherforafewmonths.Ican’tevenrememberhername.Shewasdull.

Una Sheattackedmeonce.Acoupleofyearslater.Iwaswithmymotherwalkingonthestreet.Shecameuptomeandslappedmeontheface.

Pause.

Ray Shesaidyouusedtoglareather.Thatyouwere,wereafterme.You’dhangaroundonthestreetbesidemycar.

Una Imadeupwithmyfriend.Itoldheraboutyou.Abouttalkingtoyou.Youyoulookingatme.Flirting.

Ray Thatwasyou,notme.YouThenotes.Youwrotenotes.Youputthemunderthewindscreenwipersofmycar.Yourgirlfriend’sugly.Shehasaglasseye.Alwaysonesentence.Shelaughslikeadonkey.

Una That’snot

Ray Andothers.Rememberthebarbecue.Thatwasone.Ihadtotellyoutostopit.Outsidethenewsagents.AndyousaidwhatwasItalkingabout.Youpretendednottoknow.

Una Ididstop.Istoppedwritingthem.I’dhavedoneanythingyousaid.Iwantedyoutobemyboyfriend.Iwantedtositbesideyouinyourcarandbedrivenintotown.Andforpeopletoseeme.Seeus.ItookaPolaroidofyouand

withmyfriendwekisseditweputitonmypillowandsleptbesideit.AndIanyexcuse.Broughtyoubiscuitsandsomecakethatmymothermade.Askedyoutosponsormeforasponsoredwalk.IohIwasshameless.Youdidn’tstopthat.Allyouhadtodowastellmyparents.Astupidgirlwhohadastupidcrush.Butyoudidn’t.Youletitstart.

Ray Youweren’tstupid.

Una YesIwas.

Ray Youweren’t.

Una IfIwasn’tstupidI’dhaveknownwhatwashappening.ButIdidn’t.Iwastooyoung.Tootooinlove.Toostupidnottohavebeenoldernottohavehavetheawarenesstheexperience.Butthat’swhatyouwanted.Ididn’taskdifficultquestions.Ididn’thaveanyquestionstoask.Iwantedanythingyouwanted.

Ray No.

Una Yes.IsaidyesandIkeptsayingyes.

Eagertoplease.Desperatetoplease.

Ray Youdon’trememberyourself.Whatyouwerelike.

Una WhatwasIlike?

Ray Strong.

Una Strong?Whatdoesthatmean?

Ray Headstrong.

Una Don’t.

Ray Determined.

Una Don’t.

Ray Whenwestartedtotalkproperly.Alone.Whenyoutoldmeaboutyourself.IdiscoveredYousurprisedme.Youmademelaugh.

Una Laugh?DidIwhat?Pullfaces?

Ray I

Una Tickleyou?

Ray Youwereolderthanher.ThatwomanIwasseeing.

Una Older?

Ray Withthatstupidlaugh.Yes.

Una How,older?You’renotmakingany

Ray Youknewaboutlove.Youknewmoreaboutlovethanshedid.ThanIdid.Youknewwhatyouwanted.Sosoimpatient.Youcouldn’twaittostartmenstruating.Youtoldmethat.Youweresickofbeingtreatedlikeachild.Thelastthingyouwantedwastobetoldyouwereachild.

Una Jesus.

Ray You

Una That’swhatchildrensay.

Ray Youweren’tlikeotherchildren.

Una Iwasagirl.Avirgin.Anuntouchedbody.AHavingittoyourself.Beingthefirst.Teachingme.Showingme.

Ray No.

Una Cominginsideme.WhatcouldIhavepossiblygivenyougivenyouthatwasn’tmytwelve-year-oldbody?Whatelsecouldyouhavewanted?Therewasnothingelse.

Ray Therewas.Formetherewas.

Shewalksawayfromhim.

Inprison.Thesessions.Groupsessions.Therakingoverofofeverything.Whatwentwrong.Whatwasmissing.MymystatusLackofstatus.TheangerIhad.Blamingothers.Theurgetodestroy.Becausethat’swhattheytoldmeI’ddone.Destroyed.Destroyedyou.Yourfamily.Myparents.Mylife.Andwhatdrovemewasn’ttheloveIfelt.Somethingsomethingrotten.Somethingdeeper.Youwereonmymindallthetime.Icouldn’tgetyouout.AndIgavein.Igaveintoit.AnditeverythingeverydaywasabouthowIcouldseeyou,talktoyou.Ileftworkearly.I,I’dworkonmycaronthestreet.Itdidn’tneedwork.Itookthingsapart,putthembacktogether.JusttoTheenginewasperfect.ButI’dBecauseyou’dbethereandwecouldtalkanditwasfine.Itwasintheopenandnoonethoughtanything.

Yourparents.Thekidsthatplayedthere.Butit,itwasn’tenough,itIhadtobealonewithyou.

Yourememberthethecodesthethesignalswehadtotomeet.Tojustspeak.Talk.Tobealonetogether.Youremember?I’dphoneyourparents’house.Onering.

Una Itmeantthatshewasn’twithyou.Youwereonyourown.

Ray Andparkmycarfacingright.

Una Iforgotthat.Andthenextdayyou’dbetheretomeetme.Inthepark.Thepublicpark.

Ray Itwastheonlyplacewecouldmeet.

Una Thefirsttime.Inthepark.

I’dbesoexcited.Knowingyou’dbethere.AndIran.Becauseyouweremine.Youweresittingonabenchreadinganewspaper.AndthefirstthingyousaidtomeYoutoldmenottositdownbesideyou.Ihadtowalkpastyou.AndIknewwhy.

Ray Itwasridiculous.Stupidplacetomeet.Ihadn’tthoughtaboutit.I,Ididn’tthink.Ididn’tknowwhatwashappeningtome.Andyou

Una Iwalkedintothebushes.

Ray Youdisappeared.Andstartedcallingoutmyname.Ray.Comehere,Ray.Isatthereandamantherewasamanwalkingalongthepath.Youcalledoutagainandhelookedatmeandlaughed.Hehadn’tseenyou.Hedidn’tknow.Onlyheardyourvoice.Ray,comeon.I’mwaiting.AndII’dbeenseenbutIcouldstillexplainit.UptothatmomentIwouldstillbebelieved.Icouldwalkawayandstopeverything.

Una Butyoudidn’t.

Ray No.Icouldn’t.WhateverwashappeningwhateverIwasthinkingthoughtaboutwasinmemademebelieveIlovedyou.Mademewalkacrossthegrass,thegetonmykneesandcrawlunderthebranches.andholdyourhandand

andkissyou.

Una Andlaydownnexttoeachother.Andopenmyshirtandtouchmymybreasts.Andandunzipyourself.Andtakeoutyourprick.

Ray Notthefirsttime.

Una I’msorry.Youyougentleman.Notthefirsttime.Thesecond,thethirdtime.Bothofuslyingonablanketyoubrought.Ablanket.Ithoughtitwasformebutitwas

Ray Itwas.

Una sothattwigsandandearthandwouldn’tsticktomyclothes.Sonoonewouldsuspect.

Ray Ididn’twantustogetcaught.

I’veneverlovedNeverdesiredanyonethatageagain.Ever.

Una Justme.

Ray Yes.Justyou.Youweretheonlyone.

Pause.

Itnevercameupinthetrial.Thepark,thebushes.Theblanket.

Ialwayswonderedwhy.

Una Inevertoldthem.

Ray Why?

Una IwasIdon’tknow.Youdidn’teither.

Ray No.They’dhavegivenmetenyears.

Pause.

Una Iwasonlyincourtforaday.Behindthatscreen.Ineverknewwhatwassaid.Noonetoldmeanything.Iwasatarelative’shouse.Notallowedtoleave.Notelevision,nonewspapers.Noonetoldmeaboutthetrial.Evennowmymotherwon’tWhatwasthenameofthetown?Wherewewewent.Therewasabeach.Wedrovetheretogettheferry.Itwasdark.Winter.Theshopswereshuttered.Whatwasitsname?

Ray Why?

Una Iwanttoknow.Icouldn’tfinditanywhere.Whatwasitsname?Wewalkedalongthebeach.Itwascold.

Weheldhands.Wecoulddothatbecauseitwasdark.Youpointedouttosea.Acrosstheseatowhereweweregoing.Canyouseeit?Thereitis.Yougotaroomataguesthouse.Ihadtostandbehindyouasyoupaidthewoman.Keepmyheaddownandrunupthestairs.Didyouknowher?Thatwoman.

Ray No.

Una Ialwaysthoughtyoudid.Idon’tknowwhy.

Ray No.HowwouldI?No.What

Una Thereweretwinbeds

Ray Okay.

Una Whynot?

Ray I’vetoldyouwhy.It’sIdon’twanttohearit.

Una Ido.

Ray Webothknowwhathappened.

Una Idon’t.Idon’tknoweverything.Youdon’t.Youdon’tknowanything.Iwantyoutoknow.WhatIdidforyou.

Ray Whatyoudidforme?

Una Whatwasthenameofthetown?

Ray Tynemouth.

Pause.

Una Twinbeds.ATV.Nothingelse.Thewindowlookingoutatthesea.Weundressed.Wehadsexononeofthebeds.Idon’tknowhowlongfor.Isawhowmuchpleasureitgaveyou.IlikedIcoulddothat.Wedidittwice,fuckedtwice.Youturnedmeroundforthesecondtime.Youmadesomuchnoise.Welayineachother ’sarmsafterwards.Icriedabit.Myparentswouldbelookingforme.They’dbephoningmyfriendmaybeattheschoolaskingwhereIwaswhyIwasn’thomehadanyoneseenme?

Pause.

Yousaidyouwantedcigarettes.Youweregoingtolookforashop,apub.IwantedtogowithyoubutyousaidnoIwastowaitthere,waitfor

you.You’dbefiveminutes.Andyoutouchedmeyoukissedmebetweenmylegsyourtonguebothofmybreasts.You’dbebackinnotime.

Ilayonthebed.Ilistenedtoyourfootstepsgoingdownstairs.Iwrappedthesheetaroundmeandwentovertothewindow.IwantedchocolateItriedtoopenit.WhateverIatethen.Sweets.Shouttoyou.Chocolate.Butthewindowwouldn’topen.Isawyoudownbelow,openingthefrontgate.Iknockedonthewindowbutyouyouwerealreadywalkingalongthestreet,themiddleofthestreet.Youdidn’thearme.

IfellasleepandwhenIwokeupIdidn’tknowthetime.IwassorebetweenmylegsbutIfeltwonderful.Youhadn’tcomebackyetbutIwassohappy.Mymanwouldbebacksoonandhewouldhavechocolateforme.Ididn’tneedtotellhimwhatIwanted.Youknewandyou’dbringittome.Butyoustilldidn’tcome.

Theroomwascold.Igotdressed,lookedoutthewindow.Yourcarwasstillthereacrosstheroad.Icouldheartalkingdownstairs,notclearly.Butvoices.Iwalkeddownthestairs.Thefrontdoorwasclosed.TheonlysoundwasaTVcomingfromaroom.ThevoiceswerefromtheTV.Thedoorwasopenabit.Iknockedonthedoor.Nothinghappened.Noonewasthere.Iopenedthefrontdoorandwentout.

TherewasashoutasIwasclosingthedoor.Thewoman.IopenedsawherwhatareyouorsawherwalkingtowardsmeandI,Ishutthedoorandrantothegateandoutintothestreetandran.

Iwalkedintothecentreoftown.Itwaslate.Tenonthechurchclock.Theferryleftatmidnight.Therewasn’tlong.Youwerenowhere.Ashopwasopen,lights.Iaskedinsideifamanhadboughtsomecigarettes.Hetoldmetogetout.HethoughtIwasbuyingcigarettes.Itriedtodescribeyoubuthedidn’tlisten.

Thenapub.Thefirstpub.You’dbeinsidehavingadrinkandasmoke.ButIcouldn’tgoinIhadtoallmycouragewaittilltwomenwalkedinfollowbehindthemandlookforyouwalkingaroundthepub.Menmakingjokes,laughing.WhatwasIwanting?Youlost,hinny?

Isaidmydad.ThemanbehindthebaraskedmeWesaidI’d

introubleyouweremydad.Toldhimwhatyouwearing,whatyoulookedlike.He’dseenyou.You’dbeenin.Theaccent.Smokedacigarette,hadadrink,thenleft.Hewasconcerned,theman.HeaskedmemynameandItoldhim.Hewantedtowalkwithme,helpmelook.Isaidno,no,no,I’mfine,I’mfine.Ikeptwalking.Alongthemainstreet.Afewpeoplepassedme.Iwantedtoaskthemifthey’dseenyoubutIdidn’tknowwhattosay.Iwentintoanotherpub,another.Everyone’sfaceturningtolookatme,shouting,laughing.

Iwalkedonandon.Thenextpub,thenext.Peoplestaring,laughing,tellingmetogetout.Iwalkedpasthousesgettingfurtherfromthesea.Iwalkedtenpaces,ranten.You’dbeatthenextcorner,thenext.Anymoment.Andeverycarwasyou.Thehousesstopped.Iwasattheendofthetown.Theroadcarriedon.Ilookedoutintothedarkcountryside.I’dgonetoofar.I’dwalkedtoofar.Iwasattheend.YouI’dmissedyou.Youwerebackattheguesthouse.

Lookingforme,wonderingwhereIwas.I’dIran.Iranback.IthoughtIwaslostandthenIwasn’t.Icouldseetheclockabovetheroofs.Iwalkedtowardsit.Itwashalf-eleven.Wecouldstillmaketheferry.Iranandran.Icouldseetheguesthouse.Butyourcarhadgone.Icheckedranupanddownlookingintoallthecarsbutandmybagwasinsideyourcarwithallmyclotheswitheverything.Andyouweregone.TheclothesI’dbrought.ButandmypassportinmypocketandthatITheroombutitwasdark,thewindow.Ididn’tknowwhattodo.Waited.Isatonabench.Iwasfreezing,hungry.Iwantedtoknowwhyyou’dgone.WhatIhaddone.Iwascrying.You’dleftme.You’dOrsomethingterriblehadhappened.You’dbeenkilledordrownedorIcouldn’tdoanything,couldn’tgoanywhere.

Wewouldn’tbeontheferry.Wewouldn’tbeleaving.Ididn’tknowwhattodo.Somethinghadhappened.Youwouldn’thaveleftme.Youwouldn’thavedonethat.Iheardmidnight.Youweren’tcoming.Iwasalone.Awomantalkedtome.Theysawmeandcrossedtheroad.Amanandawomanwalkingtheirdog.TheyaskedwhatIwasdoingthere.WheredidIlive?Whowaslookingafterme?Iwentbacktotheirhouse.Theygavemeblanketsandphonedmyparents.Ilayontheirsofaandlistenedtohertalktomymother.Thepoliceweretherewithher.Ifeltsick.Iwantedtodie.Iwasnevergoingtoseeyouagain.I’dhavetofaceallofthemeveryoneallofthemalone.

Iprotectedyou.Defendedyou.Stayedstayedtrue.Itoldthepoliceyouhadn’ttouchedme.You’ddonenothing.IwasaIwasarunaway.Iwantedtoescapemyparents,myhouse,myschool.You’dgivenmealiftinyourcar.

Youhelpedmeescape.I’daskedyou,beggedyou.You’ddrivenmethereandleft.Youwon’tknowanyofthis.

Theywantedtodotests.Takesamplesoutofme.Doctors,police.Irefused.Noonewasgoingtotouchme.Ishouted,screamedYou’ddonenothing.You’dIwantedyoutoIwantedyouback.ITheydruggedme.Heldmedownandandinjectedme.Openedmylegsandtooktookoutyourcome.Evidence.Theyaskedmewhatyou’ddonetome.Thentoldmewhatyou’ddonetomewhenIwouldn’t.Youwereonlyafteronething.That’swhyyou’ddisappeared.You’dgotwhatyouwanted.Mymymotherscreamingatme.SheThepolice,theawomanpsychiatristwhospokealwaysspokesoquietly.Adultslie.Theywantthingsfrompeopleandtheylietogetthemand,anddon’ttheydon’tevenknowthey’relying.Theydonotknowthemselves.Icouldn’thearhersometimes.Hadtoask

repeatrepeatwhatshe’dsaid.DidIknowwhatI’ddone?DidIknowthatI’dhurtpeople?Peoplewholovedme.DiddidIwanttohurtthem?AndFordays.Whathadyousaid?Whatdidyoupromiseme?WhatwordsWhatwordsdidyouuse?

AndinthecourtroomIsatbehindthatscreenandIspoke.Icried.Youheardme.IcriedmorethanIspoke.AndthenIIsaidtoomuch,IThelawyerswerefuriouswithme.Itwasn’twhattheywanted.Icouldn’thelpit.Itwasyou.YouwerethereandIcouldn’tseeyousoIhadtoshout.Ihadtoletyouknow.Youleftmealone.Bleeding.Youleftme.Youleftmeinlove.

Whentheycamehomeattheendintothehouse.Myparents.Nothome.Therelatives’house.Iwasinthebedroom,waiting.Theyweresilent.

Theydidn’tmove.Isatandwaited.Theydidn’tcomethroughtome.Ithoughtmaybeyou’dgotoff.You’dbeenletgo.You’dbecomingbacktolivebesideus.Untilmydadlatertoldmesixyears.AndinthenightIwokeupandmymotherwasthere.Leaningoverme.Shoutingthatthey’dbeentried.She’dbeenonthestand.Andmydadhadtotakeheroutoftheroom.Pullheroutoftheroom.AndThejudge.Whathesaidaboutme.You’llremember.Ihadsuspicioussuspiciouslyadultyearnings.WhenmymothertoldmethatIdidn’tknowwhatshemeant.

Andwenevermovedhouse.TheyTo,toshameme.Topunishme.SoI’dbepointedat.Andslappedinthestreet.Orthepsychiatristtoldthemitwasbettertostay.Forforcontinuityor

IhatethelifeI’vehad.Youwouldn’tknowthat.Iwantedyoutoknowthat.Iknewyou’dforgetaboutme.

Ray Iwroteyoualetter.Afterayearinthere.Isentone.Theyletmesendone.Theyhadtoreadthemfirst.Didyougetit?

Una No.Ididn’tgetanyletters.

Ray They’dhavetoldyourparents.

Una Whatdiditsay?

Ray Toforgiveme.Explaining.Apologising.WhatI’dlearntaboutmyself.

Pause.

TherewasanotherletterOnetheywouldn’tletmesend.Ithoughtitwouldbegoodforyoutoreadit.

Icameback.Iwascomingbackforyou.

Pause.

Ibought

Una Comingback?

Ray Yes.Ididbuycigarettes.IListen.

Una Isthiswhatyoutellyourself?

Ray It’swhathappened.IboughtthecigarettesbutIwent

Una Isthiswhatyouuse?TotoForthis?Tosmileinaphoto.

Ray No.Listen.Therewasapub.IListen.Ihadadrink.Ineededtime.Ineededtothink,toplan.Theferry,thepassports.Howtoexplain.Whattosay.AndIneededadrink.Ineededcourage.Itwasgoingtohappen.Iwalkedaroundforawhile.Thestreets.Behind,around.Iknewyouwerewaitingforme.ButIhadtoUntilIwasbackthere,attheguesthouse.Lookingupatthewindow.Thelightinthewindow.Thewomanwasthere.Strippingthesheets.Shesaidyou’dgone.You’dranoff.Whatwasgoingon?Ilefther.Iwalkedout.Youweren’tatthecarwhereIthoughtyou’dbe.Orthebeach.Ishoutedforyou.

Ithoughtyouwerehiding.Idroveintothetownlookingforyou.Icouldn’tfindyou.Ididn’tknowwhereyou’dgo.Whyyou’dgone.Istartedtopanic.Ithoughtthepolicewouldappearanyminute,surroundmycar.Iparked.Iwentbackintothepub.Thesamepubandorderedanotherdrink.Hedidn’tmove,themanthere,thesamemanwho’dservedme.Hewasstaringatme.Heaskedmeaboutmydaughter.Had,hadIfoundher?AndIIlookedathimandsaidyes,yesIhad,shewasfine.Therewasanothermanbesideme.AskingifIhadadaughterandwhatwashername.IandIAnothermanwasgettingupfromhisseat.Thefirstoneleanedoverthebar,triedtograbme.Ipulledaway,sworeatthem.TheyToldthemThree,fourofthemafterme.Iranout.Theychasedme.Twokeptchasingme.Ihidransomewhere,aIlostthem.Ihidtherefor,Idon’tknow,anhour.Iheardtheclockstrikemidnight.Igotbacktothecarand,anddroveawayandIdidn’tknowifyou’dgonetothepoliceorifIwasleavingyou

butIcouldn’tstay.IdrovetoNewcastle.Towheretheferryleftfrom.Ifmaybeyou’dgonesomehow,gonethere.Waitingformethere.Iwaitedtilldawn.ThenIknewitwasover.

Ikeptdriving.Ididn’tknowwheretogo.Idrovewest.Iheardthenewsontheradio.Safeandwell.FoundinTynemouthbyacouplewalkingtheirdog.Thepolicewerehuntingme.Huntingmycar.Theygaveoutthelicence-platenumber.Idrovetothecoast.Kepttosmallroads.Ileftthecarbehind.Walked.TheSolwayFirth.Foundaphonebox,phonedthepolice.Waitedtheretilltheycame.I’dneverhaveleftyouthere.

Pause.

Una Butthere’snodifference.Leavingorcomingback.There’s

Ray Thereis.Formethereis.

Una Betterforyou.Easierforyou.

Ray It’snoteasier.It’s

Thelawyer

Una Whysayit?Whysayitnow?

Ray ThelawyersaiditsoundedbetterifIhadleftyoutherebecauseitshowedIknewtheseriousnesstheawfulnessofwhatIhaddone.ThatIranfromyou.Nevertotoreturn.BecauseofwhatitwouldsoundliketoajurybemadetosoundlikeThatIwasgoingbackforformore.BecausewhatelsewouldIgobacktoyoufor?

WhenIcouldn’tfindyouthatnight.Ithoughtsomethingmust’vehappenedtoyou.Iknewyouwouldn’tleaveme.Someonehadtakenyou.Someonewasharmingyou.EventhoughtmaybemaybeIshouldgotothepolice.

WhentheyfoundmeIwasonthefloorofthephonebox.Huggingmyknees.Cryingmyeyesout.BecauseI’dlostyou.I,Ihadn’tprotectedyou.

Itdoesmakemefeelbetter.ThatIwascomingback.Itdoes.WhoeverIwasthen.Itmakesmefeelbetter.

Una Whydidn’tyousendtheletter?

Ray Itoldyou.

Theywouldn’tletme.

Una Theremusthavebeensomeway.

Ray No.

Pause.

Shestaresathim.

Thelightsshutoffsuddenly,intheroomandinthewindows.

Una What’shappened?What’shappened.

Ray Idon’t

Unabacksagainstthewall.

Una What’sgoingon?

Ray Ihavetogoandsee.

Una Issomethingwrong?

Ray No.Waithere.

Una Whereareyougoing?

Ray Ihavetofindoutwhat’sStayhere.Okay?

Una Yes.

Ray I’llbeoneminute.It’sprobablyapowerfailureorbutWaithere.

Heopensthedoor,goesout.

Unawaits,verystill.

Outside,distantsoundofdoorsclosing.

Aminutepasses.

Una Ray.Ray.

Shewalkstothedoor,looksoutintothedarkness,afraid.

Sheturnsback.

Thelightcomesbackonintheroombutnotthewindows.

Rayre-enters.

Ray They’reunbelievable.

Una Who?

Ray Them.Allofthem.Theyleft.

Una Allofthem?

Ray Yes.Togohome.

Una Arethedoorslocked?Arewe

Ray No.No.Ihavekeys.Ilockup.

Una Whydidn’ttheytellyou?

Ray Idon’tknow.TheyThey’restupidbastards.

What’swrong?

Oneofthemmust’vejustnotthinking.They’re

Una Youlockup?

Ray Ihavekeys.I’musuallythelast

Una You’lllockuptonight?

Ray Yes.Why?

Una Areyouthe

Ray What?

Una Thenightwatchman?The,thesecurity?

Ray No.

Una Thecaretaker,thejanitor?Areyou

Ray No.

Una Theymustthinkyouareto

Ray I’mnot.

Una Toleaveyouhere.

Ray Iamnot

Una Youhaven’tfinishedclearingup.You’d

Ray Ina

Una betterstart.

Ray Inashirt?

Una Lookatallthis.

Ray Andtrouserslikethese.Andthese

Una You’vegot

Ray shoes?

Una somekindoffixation.

Ray Itdidn’tsaymycaretakingteam,thephoto.Whatd’youmean,fixation?What?

Una Trousers,shorts.

Ray What’reyoutalkingabout?I’mIhaveapositionhere.

Pause.

Una Idon’tknowwhoI’mlookingat.

Ray Iworkedtogetthis.Iworkedtogethere.

Una Doyouknow?

Ray Everythingwasfinishedforme.Closedtome.

Una Doesanyone?

Ray Islaved.Tonotbeajanitor.Acaretaker.Adrunk.Aawaste.Torescuesomethingfromthe

Una Youhaven’tchanged.Youstilljusttalktalktoget,toLieanddon’tevenknowyou’re

Ray Shutup.

Una Idon’tknowwhattobelieve,Ray.There’ssomuchtochoosefrom.Doyouliveinhere?

Ray What?

Una Maybeall

Ray What’reyoutalkingabout?

Una thefoodisyours.Thisisyours.Youlivehereandyouyouneverleave.YouneverYoudon’thaveanyone.

Ray Ihavesomeone.

Una Youlivehereandeathereand

Ray Ifoundsomeone.I

Una DoessheknowDoessheknowyouwerecomingbacktome?Didyoutellherthat?

Youhaven’ttoldher.Haveyou?Youhaven’ttoldheranything.

Ray Iwantedto.IwantedtobutIwouldn’tAndwehavealife.I’vedonebetterthananythinganythingIcould

Una You

Ray couldimagine.Fromthatphone-box.

FromthatthatCryingonhisknees.I’veMyparents.Family.WhenIwasinside.Thefriends.Nothingforme.Refusedtodoanything.Myflatwasrepossessed.Ihaddebts.Ihadnothing.ButIfoundher.AndIamtheluckiest

Una Jesus.

Ray mostmostgratefulman.

Una CanImeether?

Ray Don’tbestupid.

Una ButI’mnotstupid,Ray.YousaidIwasn’tstupid.Iwanttomeether.Thiswonderfulwoman.Who’dneverforgiveyouifsheknew.Who’dDescribeher.Whatdoesshelooklike?

Ray Why?

Una C’mon.Whatdoesshelooklike?

Ray No.

Una Isshepretty?Attractive?

Rayturnsawayfromher.

Unapursueshim,gettingclosertohim.

Blonde,brunette?Tallorshort?Smartorstupid?Ignorant.Youcoward.Tolivelikethis.

Ray Whydon’tyoushutyourmouth?

Una Iwouldhatetobeher.

Howoldisshe?What’stheagedifference?Howmuch

Ray Oneyear.She’soneyearolderthanme.

Una Soshe’soldlikeyou.She’ssixty.

Ray She’snotsixty.

Una You’realmostsixty.

Rayturnsawayfromher.

Isshestillsexy?Doesshestillturnyouon?

Ray Yes.

Una Whatdoesshedotoyou?

Ray Jesus.

Una Whatd’youlike?Allthatsaggingskin.What’sshedobest?

Ray You’reill.

Youhave

Una I’mnotill.

Ray Don’tcomenearme.

Una I’mnotill.

Shepicksupachair,hurlsitathim.

Iamnotill.Youare.

Shepicksupanother.

Raytriestostopher.

Theystruggletogether.

Unafallstothefloor,shoutsoutinpain.

Ray Areyoualright?

Una Getawayfromme.

Pause.

Ray Howlongdidittakeyoutodrive?

Una Why?

Una Haveyoudrivenitrecently?

Unagivesashortlaugh.

Youhaveonyourshirt.It’swet.Foodor

Ray Jesus.

Una Whatisit?

Ray Idon’tknow.It’swet.Jesus.

Ihaveto

Hegoestoalocker,opensit.

Nothing.Ithoughttheremightbeanothershirt.

Hesitsdown.

I’mtired.

Una I’mtiredaswell.

Ray Istartedatsixthismorning.

Una Longday.

Ray Doubleshift.

Una Youusedtolikegoodclothes.Thatjacketyouhad.

Ray Idon’tknowwhathappenedtothat.

Una Yourclothesnow,they’re

Ray Iknow.Cheap.Thepay’snotgreathere.Theydon’tpaymeenoughforwhatIdo.Ishouldaskformore.

Ilikewhatyou’rewearing.

Pause.

Una Where’sthewater?

Hepicksupthebottleofwater,takesittoher.

Shedrinks.

Pause.

Ihaveajob.Iwork.

Before,Itravelledforafewyears.NowIwork.Imakegoodmoney.Drinkinmoderation.Noeatingcondition.Afewfriends.Notmany.Myflatcouldbebigger.I’materribledriver.Butmycarrunsperfectly.

Ray How’syourmother?Doyouseeher?

Una I’venochoice.Sheseesme.Shekeepsaclosewatch.Stillstillwon’ttrustme.Ifsheknew.Thecolourherfacewouldgo.

Shelaughssuddenlytoherself.

Mymother.Shebegantofindmeboyfriends.Toaskaround.Afewyearsago.Eligiblemen.Sonsoffriends,ofneighbours.Sheinvitedthemroundtothehouse.We’ddrinktea.Itwaslikethenineteenthcentury.Winningmyhand.BecauseIIsleptwithalotofmenbeforethat.Alot.AndwhenIgotunhappy.WhenI’dhadenoughwhen

whenI’dmademyparentssufferenoughbecauseItoldthemI’dtellthemindetailwhatIdidwiththesemen.Istopped.

Ray Howmany?

Una Youdon’tthinkI’dkeepcountdoyou?

Ray Idon’tknow.Youmight.

Una Eighty-three.

Ray Doyouhavesomeonenow?

Una Yes.

Ray Hedoesn’tknowyou’rehere?

Una No.Ididn’ttellhim.I’venevertoldhim.Ididn’twantto.Ilikedhimtoomuch.We’reapartnow.Afterthreeyears.ButIlovehim.Iwanttolovehimagain.Ifwecan.

Thiswater.Ineedadrink.Aproperdrink.Mymouth’sdry.

Ray Beer.

Una Yes.Isthatwhatyoudrink?

Ray Sometimesyes.Wine.

Beerwouldbegood.Doyouwantto?

Una Goforadrink?

Ray There’saplacenotfar.

Una Adrink?

Ray No.

Una No.

Ray Mystomach.Toomuchbeer.They’vegotgoodbeer.

Una Europeanbeer?

Ray Idon’tknowwhereit’sfrom.

Una Holland.

Ray They’llsayit’sfromHollandbutit’llbebrewedinNewcastle.

Theylaugh.

Una TheferryfromNewcastledoesn’tgotoAmsterdam.

Ray Iknow.

Theylaughagain.

Una It’sapigstyinhere.

Ray They’reThey’llcomebacktomorrowandeatinhereagainamongstthisandnotbecausethejanitorthewhocleansistheworst.Hedoesnothing.Hereads.Hehasanofficeandhesitsandreadsand

Una Whereishe?

Ray Getsill.Alwaysill.Wheneverhefeelslikeit.

Hetoucheshisshirtagain.

Thisisdisgusting.Itisapigsty.

Herunsatthebinandkicksitover.

Itfalls,rubbishspillsout.

Hekickstherubbish.

Unajoinsin.

Theykicktogether.

Therubbishlieseverywhere.

Theystop,lookateachother.

Theystartagain.

Hestops,outofbreath,sits.

Shegoesnearertohim.

Una Areyoualright?

Ray Ithinkso.Thisfeelslikeawound.It’ssowet.

I’mgoingtodieatsixty.IknowIwill.I’vealwayssomeIbelieveit’llhappen.Sixty.Afeeling.

I’veonlyfouryearsleft.Fourtogo.

Iwonderedhowyou’dgrowup.Whatyou’dbecome.Thekindofpersonyou’dbe.Howyou’dlive.Toseeyounow.Andyoutobeunhappy.AndIamthecauseofthat.Ineverwantedtohurtyou.

Una Youdid.

Heputshishandout,strokesher.

Ray Youwerelonely.Beforeyoumetme.Whenyoumetme.Youwerealone.Youwerealonelychild.Yourparentsleftyoutoyourself.YouneversaiditbutwhenIheldyouinmyarmsIcouldfeelit.Iseenow.Ithoughtyouwerestrong.You’renot.NeitheramI.

Theykiss.

Ididthinkaboutyou.Idothinkaboutyou.

Una Whatdoyouthink?Doyouthinkaboutmethen?

Ray Yes.Yes,Ido.It’sallIhave.

Una Inthatroom?

Ray Yes.Touchingyou.Holdingyou.

Una Fuckingme?

Ray Yes.Fuckingyou.

Una Doyoumasturbate?Doyoucome?

Ray Yes.

Theykiss.

Itgetsmoreintense.

Theybegintoundresseachother.

Theyliedown.

Raypullsaway.

No.Ican’t.Ican’t.

Una Iwantyouto.

Ray No.

Una Whynot?

Ray I’msorry.Ican’t.

Una AmItooold?

Outsidetheroom,fromsomedistanceaway,anadultfemalevoicecallsout.

Voice Peter?

Ray It’salright.

Heseemsnottohaveheardit.

Una Did

Voice Peter?

Hestaresatthedoor.

Una Isither?

Ray Yes.

Thevoicecalls,fainter,furtherawaythanbefore.

Voice Peter,areyouhere?

Ray She’sattheotherendofthebuilding.Wecan

Una What?

Ray Wehavetogetout.

Pause.

Thesoundofthedoorhandleturning.

Unamovesovertothefarwall.

Raywalkstowardsthelockers.

ThedooropensandaGirloftwelveenters.

Girl You’rehere.Peter.You’rehere.

Ray Hello.

TheGirlgoestohim,putsherarmsaroundhim.

What’reyoudoing?

Girl We’relookingforyou.Wherehaveyoubeen?

Ray Iwashere.I’mchanging.

Hemovesawayfromher.

I’mbusy.

Girl Whatareyoudoing?

Ray Lookatthemessinhere.

Girl I’llhelpyou.

Shebendsdowntopickupthelitter.

Youeattoomuch.

Shelaughstoherself.

Ray No.Don’t,darling.Don’t.

Firmer:

Dropit.

TheGirldropsthelitter,staresathim.

Goandfindyourmum.TellherI’mcoming.TellherI’llseebothofyouattheentrance.I’llgetthecarandI’llmeetyouattheentrance.Waitthereforme.I’llbeafewminutes.Go.

Girl Comewithme.

Ray Ican’t.

Girl Why?

Ray Ican’tyet.Iwill.

Fiveminutes.Ihavetolockallthedoors.

Girl Whycan’tIstayherewithyou?

Ray Youshouldn’tevenbehere.Youshouldn’tbeinhere.It’snotallowed.Youhavetogonow.

TheGirlseesUna.

Girl Who’sshe?Peter?Whyisshethere?Whyisshehiding?

Ray She’snothiding.

Una I’mnothiding.

TheGirlmovesclosertoRay.

Girl Peter,whoisshe?

Ray Afriend.

Girl Doessheworkhere?

Ray No.

Una Wewerejusttalking.

Ray Andyou’veinterruptedus.

Girl Areyoucomingwithus?

Una No.

Ray Darling

Girl Doyouknowmymum?

Una No,Idon’t.

Girl What’shername?

Ray Una.

Una Youshouldgonow.

Ray Youshould.

Girl Iwanttostaywithyou.

Ray Darlingyoucan’t.YouhavetofindMum.

Una Go.Please.Go.Youhaveto.

Unaguidesthegirloutofthedoor.

Silence.

She’snotyours?

Ray No.Anotherman.

You’renotmymyIdon’thavetotellyoueverything.

Unagroans.

Don’t.

Una OhChrist

Ray Don’t.Whatyou’rethinking.

Una Youcan’t.OhGod.

Ray No.Icouldnever.Believeme.

Hemovesclosertoher.

Itakecareofher.Ilookafterher.Iwouldnever.

Hetakesholdofher,gettingmoreinsistent.

Iwouldneverdothat.Iwouldnever.Believeme.Youhavetobelieveme.

Hestops.

Never.

Heembracesher,strokingherface.

Hekissesher.

Shedoesn’trespond.

Hebreaksapartfromher.

There’snothingIcansay.

Theystareateachother.

Pause.

Bothofthemlookatthedoor.

Raytakesasteptowardsit.

Una Wait.Youcan’t.

Ray Ihaveto.

Una No.

Ray Ihavetogotothem.

Una No.

Ray Theyneedme.

Shegoestohim,holdshim.

Una No.Youcan’t.Youcan’tgobacktothem.

Ray Letme.Letme.

Una No.

Ray Letmego.Letme.Ihaveto.

Una Youcan’t.

Ray Getoffme.

She’sclingingtighter.

Heshovesheraway.

Shecomesbackathim.

Una Letmecomewithyou.Theyhavetoknow.

Ray Getthefuckoffme.

Hethrowsheraside.

Unastaggersbackwards.

Rayexits.

Una Ray.

Unarunsoutoftheroom.

Theroomisempty.

End.

AbouttheAuthor

DavidHarrower ’splays includeKnives inHens (Traverse,1995),Kill theOld,TortureTheirYoung (Traverse, 1998),Presence (RoyalCourt, 2001),DarkEarth (Traverse, 2003).Adaptations/versions includeTheChrysalids(NTConnections,1996),SixCharactersinSearchofanAuthor(YoungVic,2001), Woyzeck (Edinburgh Lyceum, 2001), Ivanov (National Theatre,2002),TheGirl on theSofa (Edinburgh International Festival/Schaubühne,2002)andTalesfromtheViennaWoods(NationalTheatre,2003).BlackbirdwasshortlistedfortheSaltireSocietyBookoftheYearAward,2005.

ByDavidHarrowerfromFaber

bythesameauthor

DARKEARTHPRESENCE

THECHRYSALIDS

(adaptedfromthenovelbyJohnWyndham)PURPLE

(translatedfromtheplaybyJonFosseandincludedinShellConnections2003anthology)

TALESFROMTHEVIENNAWOODS(Horváth)

PublishedbyMethuenKNIVESINHENS

KILLTHEOLD,TORTURETHEIRYOUNG

SIXCHARACTERSINSEARCHOFANAUTHOR(Pirandello)

PublishedbyOberonIVANOV(Chekhov)

THEGIRLONTHESOFA(JonFosse)

Copyright

Firstpublishedin2005byFaberandFaberLtdBloomsburyHouse

74–77GreatRussellStreetLondonWC1B3DA

Thiseditionpublishedin2006

Thisebookeditionfirstpublishedin2014

Allrightsreserved©DavidHarrower,2005,2006

TherightofDavidHarrowertobeidentifiedasauthorofthisworkhasbeenassertedinaccordancewithSection77oftheCopyright,DesignsandPatentsAct1988

Allrightswhatsoeverintheseplaysarestrictlyreservedandapplicationstoperformthemshouldbemadeinwriting,beforerehearsalsbegin,toCasarottoRamsay&Associates,12NoelStreet,London

W1F8GQ.Noperformancemaybegivenunlessalicencehasfirstbeenobtained.

Thisebookiscopyrightmaterialandmustnotbecopied,reproduced,transferred,distributed,leased,licensedorpubliclyperformedorusedinanywayexceptasspecificallypermittedinwritingbythepublishers,asallowedunderthetermsandconditionsunderwhichitwaspurchasedorasstrictly

permittedbyapplicablecopyrightlaw.Anyunauthoriseddistributionoruseofthistextmaybeadirectinfringementoftheauthor’sandpublisher’srights,andthoseresponsiblemaybeliableinlaw

accordingly.

ISBN978–0–571–31884–1