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7/31/2019 April May 2012 Postcards From Paradise
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Adventures of the Apocalypse
Volume 1, Issue 22012
Its been an eventful couple of months with two trips to hospital, cyclones, an earthquake, floods
and I believe 4 apocalyptic horsemen rode past at one point. But we drew on some good old
fashioned Blitz Spirit and pulled through. Thanks for all the kind and sarcastic comments on the
previous editionI hope you enjoy this one just as much as we enjoyed writing it.
2nd Edition 2012
Bush craft 101 2
A birthday party 2
Rats 1-Visitors 5 2
All the bloody nature 3
Picture Gallery 4
Breathe Deep 6
Jungle John 8
Inside this issue:
Not that kind of wind!
(Although the Dahl soup
does take a toll).
Last night Harry came over
and said that the govern-
ment issued a weather warn-
ing for strong winds and rain,developing to a !
Now we are from the north
of England, so strong wind
and rain isnt something that
holds any fear for us. But
when a Fijian says it, you
wonder if it takes on a new
meaning. Are Fijians masters
of understatement? A bit like
the Brits would find them-
selves in a hurricane and say
Bit breezy out isnt it?
Living in a tent directly under
some coconut trees; and the
look of concern on Harrys
face both pushed us into
battening down the hatches
and securing a few things in
the old plantation house.
Readers will recall that the
problem with the house is
that it is the central battlefield
of the ugly and ongoing rat
war. So the scarier thought
was that the wind and rain
would be too much for the
tents and we would have to
come into the house over-
night ourselves. (Shudder)
We braved the night in the
tent. There were a few close
calls with coconuts flying
horizontally and branches off
the trees heading for us like
spears, hurled by an ancient
Fijian warrior angry that
wed set up camp on his an-
cestors graves. There were
three occasions when we
scrambled as fast as we could
out of the tent to try and
save the tarpaulin that was
being ripped away and ulti-
mately ended up in a bread-
fruit tree at the back of the
orchard.
There was certainly no sleep
to be had it was very noisy,
windy and rainy and kind of
scary.
Harry came to work in the
morning, and feeling pretty
pleased with our survival I
said to him, See- were still
here Harry. Were pretty
tough us Brits living in a tent
in a cyclone. To which he
responded with a puzzled
look. It hasnt started yet,
cyclone comes tonight.
Oh crapWe might sleep in
the house with the rats to-
night!
Postcards From Paradise
Strong Winds Warning
NB Postcards from Paradise is loosely based on stuff that happened with a dash of gross exaggeration, some under exaggeration and some stuff I might have dreamed, but
its all loosely what happened with a bit of artistic license. Names have not been changed to protect the innocent but they are innocent anyway so give them a break.
7/31/2019 April May 2012 Postcards From Paradise
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Jungle John has seen the infamous and
mysterious Seppo out hunting fish with
some kind of spear crossed with a stringoff a bow and arrow and is intrigued.
Seppo is looking slightly perturbed at the
wide eyed white man constantly watch-
ing him through binoculars. Who would-
nt?
On Seppos return to shore, Jungle John
immediately grabbed the nearest vine
and swung over, leopard skin loincloth
wafting in the breeze. ugspear...me
want is roughly how I imagine the con-
versation went, but to fair I didnt actually
witness it. So bless his lack of cottonsocks or socks and shoes of any kind,
Seppo showed John how to make one.
It was simple too, just a case of getting
some steel rebar from under the house,
wrestling it away from King Rat, and thensharpening it with a file to a serious point
and a notch at the top the same way for
the laggy band to go. I suspect this is
one of those things that looks easy, but
youd make a right hash of it without
decades of practice. But nonetheless,Jungle John is a happy camper with his
new toy and Seppo is slightly less worried
about being stalked.
Bush craft 101
Rats 1, Visitors 5
Page 2 Postcards From Paradise
Since meeting neighbours Nigel and
Carol (just a 10 minute kayak away) they
have taken great pity on us dumb white
kids living in the bush in tents and have
been wonderful hosts.
Invited for dinner one evening there wasquiche and another night steak and
COLD beer. Nigel's birthday party even
had cake and wine and roast chicken.
Where do they get these things? They
also have fabulous magical tricks such as
fridges and freezers and cookers... and a
blummin big generator.
My only complaint with this warmth and
generosity is that while there, Jungle
John acts as if I never feed him, just beat
him with a stick and throw him a dead
rat to gnaw on. Nothing could be fur-ther from the truth. I cant tell you how
much effort goes into making dahl soup
in different textures, varying the type of
lentils, adding and taking away spices so
it isnt identical day by day. Three fingers
show the scars of battling with the scald-
ing roti pan. So one more worshipful
puppy dog eyed face at Carol at lunch
time, and Im going to shrink his loin
cloth on a hot wash.
A birthday party
In the on-going battle for the house
with the rats, we have made signifi-
cant strides with the aid of traps and
poison. Never thought I would turn
to chemical warfare.
So far we have found 4 dead rats, the
stench from under the house indi-
cates more and the pool around one
of the traps indicates one bloody
nose. Sadly a minor birds beak was
also taken in collateral damage.
In a key strategic turning point and
after some intense negotiations, the
marmite was returned unharmed, I
know we all slept better after that.
The consequence of all this death is
somewhat stinky though. As Jungle
John keeps saying, I love the smell of
death in the morning, smells like
victory
Smells l ike...victory
Nigel with his Mum and Dad on his
birthday
Rats 1, Visitors 5
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I quickly realized they were taking the opportunity to climb onto me - and that cant be a
good thing. No point us both getting bittenif only he were calmer Im sure hed agree.
Young Harry (who I have now nick-
named Eddie the blur Daniels be-
cause he moves so fast (not)) has donea corking job clearing the orchard. You
can actually see the wood for the trees
now. The mosquitoes back there are
still rampant, but hopefully that will tail
off with the end of the rainy season.
Feeling adventurous, I roped Jungle
John into a fruit collection session,
which mostly consisted of me pointing
at the highest branches and saying I
want that one. Several avocadoes,
limes, guavas and custard apples later,
and I spot the robust spiky form of asoursop.
Massive it was, on the highest branch
of course, and my mouth was already
watering thinking about making sour-
sop juice. A choir sang rousingly in the
background and a beam of sunlight
broke through the clouds as if to high-
light the bestest fruit in the whole or-
chard - no, WORLD!
So up he climbs its a pretty climbable
tree, but the fruit is just out of reach. I
pass the spear up to jungle boy so he can
reach. Unfortunately, just seconds earlier,
he discovered the fire ant nest. Or at
least they discovered him. I couldnt
honestly tell you which came first. But
there were a few seconds with a truly
extraordinary range of facial expressions,
some of which Im sure were entirely
new; before he launched himself back
out of the tree towards me (minus thebloody soursop).
Big ants these things too. And hes rapid-
ly rediscovered the power of speech get
em off me! What am I going to do with
an arm full of fruit? Throw a lime at
them? I make an attempt to brush down
his back, and quickly realise they are
taking this opportunity to climb onto
me and that cant be a good thing.No point us both getting bitten if only
he were calmer Im sure hed agree.
After all, my first aider training clearly
states that before going into a rescue
attempt I should always assess the sce-
ne for my own safety. Which I quickly
do and scarper!
Im not sure if it was the stop, drop and
roll maneuver, or the running into the
sea that finally vanquished his foes, but
I was very impressed at his self-rescue
skills, and indeed told him so.When he starts speaking to me again I
shall even tell him where I hid the
Stingese.
The moral of this story is never rely on
your wife when theres fire ants about,
All the bloody nature
Page 3Volume 1, Issue 2
Eurgh..but also quite pretty!Mangrove crab. Also called Harrys dinner
About the size of Johns hand
Everybody say Ahhhhh
Clear for take-o We had these at school, but smaller
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Gizmothe alpha of Harrys pack
And Shithead, named for getting his
head stuck in packs of chocolate biccies
Jungle Johnalways happy with a re
and a machete
Handwashingpain in the backside. Well the back actually.
Seppo teaching Bush Craft
Transport to the island
Bambi the skinny little baby in the pack
O foraging
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Carol & FloThe neighbours
The tents at night Solar power!
Noel, Nigel and Flo
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Well one of the things we came here for
was to make a difference ecologically
speaking. In the words of Monty Python,lets DO SOMETHING Reg. And what an
opportunity we have.
In May, we were amongst several who
attended the Suva meeting with the Min-
ister for Fisheries about an ongoing lob-
bying campaign principally by the Save
The Coral Alliance and Fiji Shark Defend-
ers to make all of Fijian waters a marine
reserve for sharks. It would make it illegal
to kill a shark anywhere in Fijian waters
(as it already is to kill a turtle).
This is a tall order for a developing nationwith giants such as China and Japan
constantly pressuring and paying well for
the right to come and fin sharks here.
But we have put a good case forward
that financially they make more money
from tourists coming to dive with the
sharks, than they can from finning. And
since it would be the worlds 2nd largest
shark reserve, they could do some great
marketing on the back of that.
What happened at the meeting? The
tuna fisheries put forward their argument
that they dont try to catch shark, they
are by catch and it is a waste to just
throw them back, but if they come on
board alive they do throw them back. A
shark sanctuary in Fijian waters would
put them out of business they say. They
claim it is in the in shore local fishermen
causing the real problem. And to a de-
gree they are right on that point at least.
Last year, the official by catch figures de-
clared around 70,000 sharks caught and
landed here.officially.
The figures hide what is happening
though. The staff on the tuna boats tell
us that they arent paid enough to live
on, so they have to take the sharks fins in
order to supplement their earnings. Their
bosses dont encourage it, but they know
its going on. And it means the live
sharks thrown back are usually those
without fins.
Once the shark appears in a market, we
cant tell if it is from shallow or deep wa-
ter so we need the shark sanctuary to be
all Fijian waters for it to be enforceable.
I suggested that by charging tourists who
visit Fijian sanctuary waters, we create
jobs to police the area, and we can look
at compensating the tuna fishing indus-
try for their losses from not being allowed
to keep the shark by-catch. In turn they
can pass that on to their staff who need a
livable wage. (See www.facebookcom/
fijisharkdefenders if you want to know
more or get involved).
Want to help? Email the editor of the Fiji
Times saying you want to come to Fiji
and dive with sharks. and support the
Shark Sanctuary.
Thanks to all who liked and shared the
links on the Breathe Deep Diving Page
about the meeting.
then it all started turning black. Now Im
all for getting a tan, but even I knowblack flesh is not good on a white man. I
should say that we had by this stage
been trying to get to the clinic for about
4 days to get this sorted. Problem was it
coincided with the weather warning.
Harry had to take his engine off the boat
and pull the boat in shore. Then the
spark plugs went. Neighbour Dan was
on the next island over. The one day the
boat was working the clinic was closed.
Eventually neighbour Nigel lent us his
big boat and a captain to get John to the
clinic. This was after he slit it open torelieve the pressure, which was like hav-
ing a front seat for a live action stage
show of some awful Discovery documen-
tary on Things that Go Ouch in the Jun-
gle. Weirdly the Western doctor that he
saw having prescribed the right antibi-
otic, also prescribed using a plant to
wash the wound in Bush medicine.
Which I will tell you all about in the next
Bush Craft section.
John and I have been in serious compe-
tition for the doctors attention recently.
Well it is one of those places things
happen here. In this instance a mosqui-
to bite theres a lot of them. But occa-
sionally in spite of best efforts to keep
them clean and keep flies off them, one
gets infected. I have to be honest I prob-
ably wasnt taking John seriously
enough when he said one was particu-
larly hurting it looked like all the oth-
ers, and well hes a man isnt he. Its likemanflu all over again. A few days later
you could see it was really swollen
though with a big hard lump under the
surface. We located a phone signal,
called a pharmacist who said we had
the wrong kind of antibiotics for it, but it
was better than nothing. John started
on the wrong antibiotics, pain killers,
anti-inflammatories and an antibiotic
cream. This little combo did bugger all!
The lump grew, the red area grew and
Breathe Deep
A spanner in the works
Page 6 Postcards From Paradise
Front seat for a live action stage show of
some awful discovery documentary onthings that go ouch in the jungle.
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Well reassuringly, Fiji is just the same. Up
here in Vanua Levu, they find those from
the island of Kandavu as hard to under-
stand as we find Rab C Nesbitsubtitles
please?
Even within our island it is true, a relative-
ly massive 5,500km2 (That's about 3
times the size of Yorkshire) and a popula-
tion of a dizzying 130,000 people (thats
less than the Borough of Harrogate) And
even hereif Im on the East coast I say
Vinaka for thank you, for the west coast
Vinaawith the k missed out like a York-
shire Tah home from home. Get it
wrong...and theyll look at you as if youre
from Lancashire!
Local dialects. Go an hour down the road
in the UK and you are in a completely
different territory accent wise, I should
knowwhen Jungle John is in Teesside,
and the accent starts to come backI
need someone doing sign language next
to him to have the first clue what he is
saying.
But its not just not just accents, its
words, meanings, food, culture it all
changes. Yorkshire Pudding, Lancashire
hot pot, a passport is required to cross
the Pennines and the North South di-
videdont get me started.
A little language lesson
sides of the vein. 4 stabs in different
spots it took. Not a fun day, but the night-
time routine was a cracker.
From 10pm to 6am the routine included
waking me for tablets twice, waking me
to swap IV saline to antibiotics and back
4 times, 2 sets of blood pressure and tem-
perature checks, and usually at least one
time where the IV would have gone
through the vein and been dripping into
the tissue instead of the vein making my
arm / hand swell up to hulk proportions.
Then finally 6am wake up with a chirpy
did you sleep well? Ummmmm not
especially.
Having said all that its a week later, and
Im alive and considerably poorer. So
they did a great job, thanks to all at Suva
Private Hospital.
We needed to go to Suva. The capital.
The plan was to fly in, spend a working
week there getting round all the lawyers,
accountants, banks, and government
departments we needed to.
And what actually happened? ..Monday
morning yours truly is covered in a really
painful rash and joints swollen up so
much I can hardly move and I look like a
circus freak. So I went to the doctors, and
was admitted to hospital with suspected
meningitis and septicemia. Many tests
followed. A quick blood test not a big
deal you might think...and youd be com-
pletely wrong!
The needles here are designed for Fijian
veins. I do not have Fijian veins. Even
the needles they use on babies here are
too big, and go straight through both
Not to be outdone A spanner in the works
The western doctor told John to find a
little plant and wash his mangled leg
with it 3 times a day. He said its betterthan any antiseptic known to man. Hed
done tests and everything. So we went
on a search and as soon as we mention it
to Harry, he smiles knowingly and says
yes, very strong Fijian medicine, lots of it
around here. Not sure why he didnt
volunteer that information days ago
when it would have been helpful, but
better late than never. So we boiled this
stuff up roots, leaves, flowers and all, letit cool and used the liquid to wash the
wound. You can also drink it if you are
feeling a bit crook, but of course being
wild, you cant predict the dosage you
are getting so it could all go a bit Alice in
Wonderland if you arent careful.
Woo hoomines a double!
Bush craft 2
Page 7Volume 1, Issue 2
Flowers from the gang at
Nanettes
Bush Medicine
You aint from round ere
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Hes definitely gone native. You can tell
by the way hes stopped saying OK and
started saying set like the locals. That
and the weird little calls and whistle Har-
ry and he have agreed between them so
they know at a distance who wants what
and where.
Its like boy scouts gone mad. Ive never
read Lord of the Flies, but as soon as I get
my Kindle near a wifi signal, its going on
there. I may need to be prepared.
And this month Jungle Johns summary
isBefore slicing into your own leg to
relieve the pressure, make sure the boat
is working and there isnt a cyclone in
between you and the nearest Doctor. Oh
and always get Harry to climb the tree
with the soursops.
A word from Jungle John The Good Life
Breath Deep Diving at Rainbow Beach Estates, is two British
nutters who decided to up sticks and move to Fiji to go div-
ing. Instead of buying a house or something easy, they
bought an old, overgrown coconut plantation, a rotten
damp rat infested excuse for a house and took a tent with
them. Off the beaten track? Theres no track to beat! No
power, no roads, no water, no mobile signal, no inter-net...just coconuts. Postcards from Paradise is the story of
their battle to turn this into their dream of a small eco friend-
ly and innovative dive school.
Paradise found, paradise built.
Rainbow Beach Estates Ltd
PO Box 687
Savusavu Post Office,
Vanua Levu, Fiji
Phone: +679 8853186
E-mail: theboss@breathedeepdiving.com
Diving, skiving, just about surviving
The Weather Report
Cyclone Warning. Idiots in tents, please seek shelter. On the bright side Mozzies gone.
Seriously, you pitched your tent UNDER a coconut tree? Maybe you should move that then, its going to be a bitbreezy. Oh and damp (cue laughter from locals watching the Kaivalangis move tents in vicious wind and rain)
Gravity defying coconuts fly sideways. Its still raining. Constantly. And heavily. Say goodbye to that tarpaulin too.
Well drop it at the back of the orchard for you, wrapped in a breadfruit tree.
Bit like England this really grey, windy, wet but warmer and with flying coconuts.
You left your washing out? What you think this is a rinse cycle? Pick it all up out of the mud and start again. May
be nail it to the washing line this time.
And relax the worst is over, the sun is out, the sea is calm, and all is well youre back in Cansas now... Or Fiji.
Only joking Earthquake! And next week were planning a flood- yay!
Today I have been mostly planting
ooh all sorts actually. Watermelons,
capsicums, chilies, lettuce, cucumber,
aubergienes, tomatoes & spring on-
ions. And Ive integrated recycling
into the project by using old tin cans
and water bottles with holes poked in
the bottom as my pots. Yay me.
Im feeling rather smug about it to be
honest. Not least because I cant grow
so much as a weed in the UK, green
fingered is not how I would describemyself. But here with the volcanic
soil, the sun and the rain in plentiful
supply just 3 days later, and my wa-
termelons have sprouted. 4 days and
the tomatoes and lettuces followed,
and everything else from there.
Harry is going to build me a raised
bed to plant everything into and
my arse will eventually look like
Felicity Kendalls. All is well.
Watermelonday three
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